All language subtitles for Children Ruin Everything s02e04 Screen Time.eng

Who keeps putting
half-eaten apples in the fridge?

Felix? Viv? Andrew doesn't have
teeth, but he's still a suspect.

Hey, ding-dongs. I said two
episodes, and then that's it.

I don't know when they end.

Well, I said said you could
watch two episodes an hour ago,

so you've watched
at least four now.

I watched my two
and then Viv watched her two.

[Astrid] Screen time.
Like Tummy Time or Time Out.

The kind of time we never
knew about until we had kids.

Can I watch the iPad now?

[James] Yeah.
When I was growing up,

we rotted our brains with TVs
and computers, and we were fine.

[Astrid] Or so we thought.

But apparently it's actually
bad for kids' brains.

[James] And now there are so
many screens in so many places,

it's like their brains
can't escape.

Where's the clicker?
Hello. Hello?

[James] You can't cut them
off screens completely.

Let me see. I know, it's--
ha ha ha. Where's the--?

[Felix exclaims]

- Oh, fine. I'll do it myself.
- [Viv] No! Watching TV!

[James] Here we go. Watch
this. Okay, wait. Watch this.

[Astrid] Because eventually,
technology will pass you by

and you'll need their help
with your screen time.

Right now,
'cause Daddy's gonna--

- [Felix and Viv laughing]
- Is that-- Ho--!

Hey! Wh-- How--? Give me that.

Would you like me
to turn off the TV, Daddy?

Yes, I would.

[James] And then they
will have their revenge.

Yeah, I-I'll be back in front of
my computer in, like, a minute.

Can I use your phone
to show Felix

the goat screaming
like a person?

No, no, because
I'm using my phone

to make a phone call
with my boss.

Whoa, the "B word!"

Yeah, but that goat thing
is funny.

Anything that screams
like a person, I laugh.

Except a person.

Jean-Luc, I'm really gonna need
you to keep this call focused

because we've already spent way

too much time talking
about Kirsten Dunst.

She deserves an Oscar.

Okay, I know that people
are worried that the World Cup

means more trash in the city,
but I'm not worried.

We've been specifically hired
to worry about it.

Okay, this is not good
for my mental health.

I already got a lot on my plate.

Yes, I already know about
running your mother's Airbnb

and the thing
with your girlfriend's foot.

Can we watch Cake Idiots?

Uh, no. Felix, you guys are
supposed to be taking a break

from screen time
for the next two days.

Can you go play in the backyard?

Oh, we can pretend
it's a giant VR room.

- Yes!
- Come on, let's go, Viv!

Okay. Um, one thing that we can
do that's job-related is, um,

I can chart how other cities
boosted their waste management.

Are--are you
playing video games?

No. Are you?

What were you saying?

I'm going to make a pretty graph
and show the garbage people

where to add
more garbage trucks.

That would make me
feel so much better.

Okay, I'll have it for you
on Monday. Goodbye.

Bye!

- Ha!
- Hi-yah!

- [grunts] Yah!
- Hyah!

James. At your desk. I love it.

Ah, well, you took the chairs
out of the break room.

Wheel of Time stops for no one.
Do you watch the Wheel of Time?

Uh, I watch a show called
Cake Idiots,

about people who make cake.

They try to make cake, but
they--they can't make a cake.

Good news, James.
I have decided to put you

in charge of Gero's
social media accounts.

Okay. And not someone
who's good at that.

Oh, we had
a social media manager,

but we fired her
for using the "F" word.

Ah! You know, generally,

the only "F" word
I like to use is effort. I use--

James. I loved that joke.

Ha ha. But here's the thing.

I don't think
I'm the best person

to necessarily be tweeting
and TikTokking.

You are punctual, well informed,

and unwilling to speak out
against authority--

all things people love
in a social media manager.

I call hashtags pound signs.

You'll be typing, so no one will
know how out of touch you are.

All you have to do
is tweet the deals

from the web page
as they come up.

Okay? And I do that
in addition to my other job?

Yes. Now, Twitter traffic
is huge on weekends,

so respond to the apps.

All of them.

Cool, cool, cool, cool.
Just eat, sleep, tweet.

That's it. That's--that's--
that's all there is to it.

Mommy, look at my drawing.

That's fantastic.

- Mom. Mom. Mom?
- Yes? Yes? Yes?

Can you get my Legos?

Um, the Legos
we put in the attic

because you said
you didn't like Legos anymore.

Yeah.

- What is happening?
- Drawing my name.

Okay, um, Mommy
has a lot of work to do.

Do you think you guys
could just play a game

of Snakes and Ladders?

That game is dumb.

Yes, correct.
The person who invented it

understood ladders,
but not snakes.

Um, okay, okay,
why don't we just--

let's watch a little bit of TV.

I thought we were
taking a break.

This is like a break
from the break.

Good. I'm exhausted.

Great. Come on, let's go.

Let's do it.

Okay, I'm going to be
right over there.

So, you know, if you yell,
I'll hear you like, instantly.

- Sure.
- Cool. Viv? Viv?

[woman on television] You may
be the professor of archeology

at the University of Alberta,
but you're also a Cake Idiot.

[brutal buzzer]

Right. Okay. I'll be over here.

- Ugh. Hey, question for you.
- Mm?

We work for a grocery chain.

You'd think
they could provide lunch.

Then stop eating your lunch
when you first get here.

I skip breakfast.
That's my thing.

'Kay. Hey, I got a question
for you. What's a "simp"?

What's a phone?
What's the Internet?

Nobody asks other people
questions anymore. Uh, d'uh!

Marla's got me in charge of
the Gero's social media account.

I'm trying to learn the lingo.

You're in charge of
the social media account?

That's like--that's like
having a brush fire

then they get the guy who
doesn't know where the water is

to put out the-- the brush fire.

That's what-- that's you.
You're the-- You understand?

- I get it.
- I have a question for you.

I read this article,

36 questions
that if you ask somebody

and they answer truthfully,
you fall in love with them.

Falling in love just from
talking to somebody?

Mm-mm. Some people
call that a conversation.

Well, my parents
haven't spoken in years.

They've never been stronger.
My mother could be nicer.

Okay. For example,

if--if a crystal ball could
reveal one truth about yourself,

what would you want to know?

Mm... I guess I'd want to know
if I've been as true to myself

as I've been to the people
I love.

[laughter builds]

See, that's stupid. That...

Actually, I-- [stammers]
I hope you have, too.

You deserve it.

Don't fall in love with me,
Ennis.

But see, that's the point.
I wouldn't.

They were implying that
I could fall in love with you

just from one beautiful,

heartbreakingly
evocative answer.

Oh, here we go. A "simp"
is a silly or foolish person.

Okay, I'm gonna tweet
that I'm "a simp for asparagus."

[laughs] That's funny.

You're funny, James. [sighs]

[Astrid clears throat]

[indistinct television audio]

Um, hi.

Hi. I didn't hear you come in.

I have small feet.
Uh, what are you working on?

[sighs] I'm just researching
how the Greek government

got rid of trash during
the 2004 Olympics.

- Lot of landfills.
- Great.

Um, but when you're
done with that,

I think the kids
might be going cross-eyed.

Hey!
Break from the break is over.

Everybody upstairs. Go read.

Felix, no picture books.

Viv, only those boring
nature books that you hate.

Fine! But I'm going to read them
in a mean voice.

[Viv growls]

That's right, get mad.

It's so hard to keep
kids off screens.

Corey is always
on his calculator,

but he's not allowed
on the Internet.

Isn't he learning to code?

He writes out his code
longhand on recycled paper.

He just finished the website
for Bo's Crocheting service.

It fills a whole banker's box.

You're only young once.

Did I forget we were
having coffee or something? I--

Many times. But today,

I'm here to get Corey's
marble set.

Dawn, I don't know
where that is.

Well, when I lent it
to you guys, I put it right...

there, where it still is.

Oh, yeah, that's
where I put it, there.

We keep it there in case
the urge to play marble strikes.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Aw, Andrew's
first family meeting.

Where's Viv?

She's on the iPad
like Mommy does.

Aw, Viv's first online meeting.

How is everyone doing today?
How's Morris?

No, his name's not Morris, Viv.

It's Andrew.
Please stop doing that.

Viv. Viv, this is, uh,
what it's going to be like

when you're away at college,
and it's very emotional for me.

Can you please
join us downstairs?

It's easier to focus
with the iPad.

- Okay, is everybody ready--?
- [shrill electronic feedback]

That's-- look at that.
We're all within earshot.

Can everybody just mute
their screens real quick?

Your father and I--

Ugh. "Your father and I."

Me and Papa Nerd
want to cut back on screentime.

It's bad for your eyes
and brains.

And bodies. We should be
moving our bodies constantly.

That's--
but not literally constantly.

That would be impractical
and probably unhealthy.

Rest is very important.

And you should exercise, though,
once a day.

I-- Basically,
what I'm saying is that, um,

we're spending too much time
not exercising.

Sorry, I missed that.
Can you start again?

God, no. You're taking a break
from screens till next week,

and that is final.

But you get to be
on your screens all the time.

That's different, buddy.
We use our screens for work.

Is your work watching videos
of dogs protecting babies?

Well--

Daddy got the glitch.

James, you're frozen.

Uh-- Okay, hold on. I'm coming.

Anyway, point taken, Felix.
We use screens a lot, too.

We will also take a break.
Meeting adjourned.

Eh, did you just volunteer
to give up our screens?

Yes, to their faces. But
obviously we're not doing that.

We just have to lie about it and
do it secretly, like addicts.

Oh! Nice.

See? It's working.
We're great parents.

Totally. The best.

I'm really enjoying the screen
break as well, I would say.

- Yes.
- [chuckles] Right?

I did send you a video
of penguins and their babies.

Just don't--
don't look at it right now.

- Yeah.
- Later.

We should go out if it's nice.

- Uh-huh.
- I can check if it's nice.

Mmm... Don't--don't-- I don't
think you should do that.

But I will have to check
my phone

to see if any work emails
came in

to tell me to tweet.

And actually, I have to do that
by 10:00. What time is it?

- I could check the time.
- I could also check the time.

I'll just hop on here
real quick. Just real quick.

Yeah.

Look what I colored!

- Ah! Hey!
- Hey, wonder girl.

What?

- Oh!
- That has a lot of detail.

Like you've been really
looking at that for a long time.

Mm-hmm.
So, great colors, first note.

But, like, so the half-human,
half-cat is a little adult, no?

- It's from the iPad.
- What?

You're not supposed to be
on screens this weekend.

I wasn't.
Felix printed it for me.

Oh, no, no, no.

[stammers] You gotta--

Hey, what are you doing?

Ahh... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Both of you get dressed while
we figure out your punishment.

- [Felix groans]
- [James] Ooh!

Come on!

- Hey. Sorry.
- So, new plan.

I'm gonna take the kids
to the park

while Andrew
has his nap time.

That will give you a chance to
get some work done, a bit of it.

And then when I come back,
we switch swap.

What about your Twitter thing?

Aren't you supposed to be
doing that all day?

Yeah, uh, well,
I got a solution.

Voice-to-text tweeting.

"Running low on Sriracha?
Gero's has gotcha.

Two-for-one bottles
only at Gero's."

- Slick!
- Mm!

And I rhymed "Sriracha"
with "gotcha."

- That I did not care for.
- Okay.

Oh. Getting a lot of engagement.

So, thank you.
Stand... corrected...

I'll-- um,
I'll finish the laundry.

- I'm the ice dragon!
- I want to be the ice dragon!

Hey, hey, hey,
you're both ice dragons.

But I'm an ice and fire
and lightning dragon.

Why doesn't Felix just say
he's the everything dragon?

No, then Viv says she's

an everything dragon
times infinity.

It becomes a whole thing.

Yeah, but then Felix can say
he's a rubber dragon

and everything Viv says
bounces off him, sticks to her.

Kids don't know
how to play anymore.

I got a text the world
about milk.

Oh, yeah, just keep it simple,
like we said.

"Gotta love fresh milk.
On sale all weekend.

Pound sign, great savings."

That was perfect.
You're perfect.

You know, I appreciate you
coming out here, but you don't

have to hold my hand through
the whole social media thing.

[laughs] "Hold your hand"?

That's-- Yeah. Imagine.
I got a question for you.

- Eh?
- What's the last song you sang?

By yourself
or to another person?

This-- another one of those
love questions?

It doesn't matter, it
doesn't matter. It was stupid.

But answer, though?

Uh... well, I sang
"Wrecking Ball" to Viv.

- Oh, no.
- [laughs] Yeah.

- Ugh.
- I don't know, but...

Viv did kind of come into
my life like a wrecking ball.

When she was born, she just
tore down all my preconceptions,

made me a better man.

Hey, guys, guys. Hide and seek,
okay? I'm counting.

- Let's hide, Felix.
- Will you watch them?

- Viv, come on, let's go!
- [Ennis] Oh. Okay.

"Only today at Gero's Grocery,

save 20 percent
on all Greek yoga--"

[screams]
Stop farting on my face!

Stop farting
in your sister's face!

- This is stupid.
- [tweet sound]

Look at me.
Come here. Where's Viv?

Hey. Start behaving or we're
gonna go home, okay? Play nice.

They don't deserve you.

Thanks.

[Astrid] It's worrying to think
about the long-term effects

your parenting
could have on your kids.

Not enough water
could mean bad kidneys forever.

Not enough exercise
is bad for their heart.

Too much screen time
turns them into jittery,

hunched-over
little screen goblins.

But not finishing work
might mean

that they don't have
food or shelter.

Right? [chuckles]

So sometimes
you have to make tough choices.

[baby cries]

Are you planning on using
the oven or not?

[brutal buzzer]

Today's contestants
are a biochemical engineer,

an ancient language specialist,
and...

Already?

But-- Hey, hey, hey. What are
you doing? What's all this?

No, no, don't "What's this?"
What about you?

Why are you home so early?
Where our kids?

Did you leave them at the park?

My phone died,
they're in the backyard.

Have you seen my stick?

Hey, there's plenty of sticks
outside, buddy.

Andrew would not go down.
I think he is toying with me.

Can you please, please make sure
the kids stay outside?

I can't.
I got to stay plugged in.

At MountainDewFlex
says our kale salad slaps.

Which I think is good,

but I was very wrong
about what "snatched" meant.

Okay, remember when I said that
we were great parents?

I was wrong.

Okay. Yeah, there's some places
we could improve.

What do you think?

- Something drastic?
- Yeah, that's it.

- Oh!
- Screen jail.

Felix, go get Viv.

Go get Viv. We are going to do
something as a family,

and we are going to like it,
whether we like it or not.

Okay, Felix, you are up.

I don't understand
why I had to go to jail.

Because you landed on
"Go to Jail."

But I didn't want to land there.

- It's just a game, sweetie.
- A super fun game.

Just stop.

Do people go to jail
for no reason in real life?

No!

Actually, honestly, yes.

There's complex
systemic problems in place,

made worse by the fact that you,
Viv, are poor...

in the game.

Felix, roll the dice.

Why doesn't Mom just lend Viv
the money? She has tons.

Because Mommy
is not an empathy bank.

Mommy's a money bank.

She can't just give out free
money to anyone who asks.

- Why not?
- Well, I'm gonna refer you

back to those systemic problems
I mentioned earlier.

In fact, I bet there's some
great movements about it.

- I'm just going to pop out...
- No phones!

Just roll the dice. Please.

Please, I beg you,
roll the dice.

[James]
That's...!

- Oh, my God.
- [Felix] Yay! Got a six.

- [doorbell rings]
- One on the floor every time...

- Can you get that?
- Oh, yep.

[knocking on door]

Hello?

- Yeah, what? Hey.
- [Astrid] Ennis.

James, you're okay? Jeez, man,
I'm not going to sing to you.

- What?
- Nothing!

I've been trying to reach you
for hours. What's going on?

No calls are getting through,
my texts...

My phone's dead and in jail.

Yeah, well, your last tweet
is blowing up,

and not in the good way.

[automated voice]
Only today at Gero's Grocery,

save 20 percent
on all Greek yoga.

Stop farting on your
sister's face. This is stupid.

Yeah. On the bright side,
Greek yoga is trending.

- This is bad.
- No, I looked it up.

It's apparently
just like regular yoga.

It can't keep blowing it
forever, right?

Like, people have other things
to do with their life...

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Okay, I'm just gonna--

I'm gonna delete it.

Oh, one of the Property Brothers
just retweeted it.

Huh? Okay, uh, uh,
screen jail is over.

Yes!

All screens on deck.
Everybody grab a screen.

Conspiracy Twitter
is on board now.

"Gero's wants you to have
loose bowels

so you'll buy
more adult diapers."

- You okay, buddy?
- No, I'm not.

This viral sister fart dance
is harder than it looks.

Oh, dear God.
Need updates, people.

I got something. BuzzFeed
just put out an article.

"Normalize
not farting on women."

- Farting's been canceled.
- [Viv groans sharply]

Okay, we're on four subreddits.

I am downloading as fast
as I can. But, uh, doesn't...

Oh, God.

Bad news. We're out of cereal.

Okay. Look, I need your help
crafting a response.

I can't. I'm in the middle
of a flame war

with this guy on Facebook.

It's not entirely related
to what we're doing here,

but I'm gonna nail him
if he ever responds.

That's okay. I'll-- I can do it.

"Farting, like breastfeeding,
is a natural occurrence."

[Astrid] No.

"Farting is just burping
that took the down elevator.

[Astrid] Stop.

"If my tweet traumatized you
in any way, I'm sorry."

- [Astrid] "If." Not an apology.
- I know.

[phone ringtone plays]

- I know what you're gonna say.
- What?

That Gero's farts
has its own Twitter account?

You knew
I was going to say that?

Uh, I can't say I did know.

It has almost as many followers

as Gero's
actual Twitter account.

I'm sorry, Marla.

I did tell you that I was bad
at the social media thing.

I told him that, too, Marla.
It's Ennis.

Can you tell her it's Ennis.
I'm here working.

Well, thanks to your tweet,

we have gained 10,000 followers

and an exclusive
distribution deal

for a line of activated
charcoal underwear.

So I'd say you're damn good.

- Really?
- We've been trending all day.

I mean, Gero's
is a part of the conversation.

You can't buy
that kind of publicity.

Which makes firing you
feel weird.

Uh...

But not from your job, just from
running Gero's Twitter account.

Ah. That is a huge relief.

No pun intended.

[stammers]
Can I ask why, Marla?

This is a family company,
and you used the "F" word.

Fart? That's...
not the "F" word.

And--and that's--

Okay, we're done with that.
Uh, crisis averted.

Ooh, fantastic. I gotta bounce.

You know those, uh,
love questions I asked you?

I've been stealing your answers,

so now a bunch of women
on apps are in love with me.

You mean in love with me.

I wish. You're taken.

Be good to him, Astrid.
You don't know what you have.

Stay away from my man, Ennis.

Not that it matters,
but where are the children?

Huh?

[Astrid] Sure, screens
have a bad reputation,

but sometimes they're great.

[James] It's easy to feel guilty
about all the things

we're supposed to do or not do.

It's brutal. Sometimes you have
to give yourself a break.

[laughter]

[James] Screens are a part of
the world, for good or evil.

Mostly evil.

[Astrid] James, don't.

Sometimes those screens bring us
together and create memories.

[James] Yes, yes, yes.

And also record memories
that Big Tech has access to.

- [Astrid] I said don't.
- [James] Sorry.

Bedtime, unfortunately.
Go get Susy.

- Nope. Nope. Nope.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on.

- Go on, bedtime.
- [Viv groans]

[playful groan]

Okay.

Where is the remote button
on this thing?

Hi, Dad. You need to download
the remote app on your phone.

Uh, how do-- where's my phone?

[Felix laughs]

Felix, give me back my phone!

"If you knew that you had
one year to live,

what would you change
about how you live and why?"

Have you seen Eat, Pray, Love?

Oh, like, a million times.

I'd watch that.

If you had a year to live,
you'd watch a movie.

I've heard good things.

Yeah, but you have a whole year.

I'd be working and sleeping.
Not a lot of free time.

If you only had a year to live,
you'd still be working?

I don't understand the question.
Back to work.

I mean, how do you
not fall in love?

[vocalists sing end theme song]

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