All language subtitles for 26 - Cheap Is Cheap

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Please do not be alarmed. Nothing
has happened to your television set,

nor are you slipping
below the coffee table again.

We've decided to economize.
Everyone had to take a 50% cut.

I was fortunate.

We have an extremely short cameraman
who was eliminated entirely.

We anticipate great savings,

since we shall be transmitting
only half as much as previously.

This process also has
an educational value.

The very young can cover
the top part of the screen

and be able to see what radio
programs used to look like.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
for our next two features,

we leave our new
widescreen process

and go to the
conventionally shaped picture.

It was terrible news
I was bringing home.

No Christmas bonus this year.

You can understand how I felt
when you think of it as I did,

in the bank at 4%
over the next 20 years.

I was so down in the dumps,

I didn't even feeI like
reading the evening paper.

And it wasn't, as some unthinking
people said, that I was a penny-pincher.

I was just a carefuI man.

But the blackest part
of my day was yet to come.

Jennifer!

What is it?
That's the three-way light.

I know it.

We never turn that on.
And you're using all three ways!

That's right.

I want a little light in here
for a change.

Dinner's ready.

- Dear?
- Hmm?

What is that?

A birthday present.

Oh.

- Well, happy birthday, Jennifer.
- Thank you.

Where'd you get this present?

It's a surprise.

From whom?

From me!

From you?

You mean,
you bought it for yourself?

That's right.

Oh, but what about
our understanding?

Didn't we agree a long time ago
that it wasn't necessary

to demonstrate our affection
for one another

by the extravagant exchange
of unnecessary items?

Don't worry. I'm not
getting anything for you.

That's a steak!

That's all right. You've
got your stewed soup meat.

But a steak! We could eat
for a week on what that costs.

You could eat for two weeks
on what this cost.

What's happened to you?

I mean, you're not acting
at all like my Jennifer.

You're taking this birthday
business all out of proportion.

This isn't your birthday.
Your birthday was two months ago.

I wondered how long it would
take you to remember that.

Well, I'm no longer
counting that as my birthday.

Today is my birthday.
My real birthday.

Because today at 2 o'clock,
I started to live.

Maybe I better go across
the street and get the doctor.

Maybe you should.

Because when you hear what
I have to say, you may need him.

You see, at 2 o'clock this afternoon,

I happened to be dusting in
the back of the closet in the bedroom,

when my dust rag
caught on a board.

The board came loose.

And guess what I found?

From six different banks.

I don't add very well, but the answer
keeps coming out something over $33,000.

We can't touch any of that.
That's for our old age.

My old age began
the day after I married you.

When I think of how we've
been living all these years like...

like poverty-stricken
pack rats.

Well, that's all over now.

From now on, we're going to eat like
other people and live like other people.

No, no, Jennifer. We can't
spend any of that. We...

I absolutely forbid you.

Forbid?

Why, you cheap, miserly,
penny-pinching, money-grabbing...

Well, I'm through.

Alexander Gifford,
I'm getting a divorce.

A divorce?

And I'll get it!

Alienation of affection,
that's what it is!

I'm naming money
as correspondent.

Divorce?

Oh, no.

That would be a terrible thing.

I didn't want
to part with Jennifer.

Not in this
community property state.

Divorce could be
more costly than marriage.

If, after all these years,
I can't live the way I want to live,

I'd rather not live at all.

It was her idea.

In fact, it was
the only sensible solution.

Oh, but how does one do
this sort of thing?

Where? When?

Certainly not now.
I had to play for time.

I hadn't read them all,
but I had read enough to know

that I could never bring myself
to commit such acts of violence.

But now my problem became.
How does a man like myself,

so inexperienced in the ways
of murder, go about it?

I just have to get
someone else to do it for me.

How do you do?

I don't know you.

My name is Alexander Gifford.

I still don't know you.
What do you want?

Well, I realize you're
temporarily out of circulation,

but would it be asking
too much of you to give me

the name of one
of your colleagues?

Huh?

Well, you see, I'd like
to have somebody...

bumped off.

What?

According to the newspapers, you
were a member of Crime Incorporated.

It's a lie!

They didn't prove nothing!
I'm innocent. The D.A. framed me!

Now, get out of here!
Get him out, he's...

he's a kook, a raving kook!

He's out of his mind. I never
hurt anyone in all my life.

A fellow with a temper
like that should be in jail.

- New hat?
- Mmm-hmm.

- New dress.
- Yes.

I bought it this afternoon.

I'll get it.

Yes?

Your name Gifford,
Alexander Gifford?

Yes.

I understand you're looking
for somebody to make a hit.

I beg your pardon?

Monk sent me.
Monk, County Jail?

Said you wanted
somebody rubbed out.

Shh!

Oh, I get you.

I'll meet you downstairs
in a few minutes.

Now, Mr. Gifford, we're
experienced in this sort of thing.

We know our business.

There's nothing to it.
It's all nice and clean.

Oh, I believe
in you implicitly.

Uh, I was wondering if you could
tell me how much it will cost?

I can tell you that exact.

Now, back to cost.

We got a standing rate
for this sort of thing.

The whole bit, including getting rid
of the corpus delicti, only five bills.

Five bills.

In advance, of course.

An eminently fair price.
I accept your proposition.

You know, I'm interested to know how you
can perform such services so reasonably.

We depend on
a volume business.

Here you are.
One, two, three, four, five.

What's that?

- The $5.
- What $5?

Your fee.

I said five bills.

Well?

A bill is a c-note,
a yard, a hundred.

A hundred?

You mean, you're asking $500?

Mr. Gifford, you all right?

I see. It's okay,
Mr. Gifford. I understand.

I'm a family man
with expenses myself.

If you can't afford
our rates, it's okay.

But I got to do
something about Jennifer.

Well,

look, if you can't afford professional
talent, why don't you do it yourself?

No, no, I couldn't.

Why not? It's a big
craze now, do-it-yourself.

No, I've considered it, believe me,
but I'm just not a man of violence.

There's nothing to it.

Haven't you ever pushed
anybody in a line or on a bus?

Yeah.

Same thing,

only this time she's standing
on the edge of a cliff.

No, no, I couldn't.

Well, look,
I saw this one on TV.

A dame did it, real cute dame.

She clobbered her old man over
the head with a frozen leg of lamb.

At 59 cents a pound?

I don't think
she stopped to figure.

Look, this is for you.

You like to tinker with
mechanical things around the house?

Well, you see this diagram?

Now, the fuse is attached
right here under the floorboard.

She gets in the car, turns on the
ignition, steps on the starter.

Kaboom, the angels sing.

Yeah!

Oh, but wouldn't
that damage the car?

Well, yeah.

Look, I'm trying to help you,
but you're making it awful rough.

Well, I don't mean
to be difficult, but...

couldn't we accomplish this
without too much violence?

Well, there's always poison. It's not
my specialty, but that'll knock it.

Poison.

Yeah. A few drops of something in a glass
of water, she'll never know what hit her.

Yeah!

Well, but don't you have to sign
something when you buy poison?

Not when you get it
from my friend, Arthur.

Arthur.

Boy, you sure know
the right kind of people.

Arthur.

Oh, I beg your pardon,
is your name Arthur?

Yes.

What do you want?

My name is Gifford,
Alexander Gifford.

I didn't ask your name.
What do you want?

Uh, well, I was
told that I could...

Come in, come in, come in.
Closer, my boy. Come in.

Yeah, I can't see you.

Come in, boy.

Well, you see, I was told that I could
come over to see you and that you'd...

What do you want?

Well, I want to get
some poison from you.

Poison? Poison from me?
Who told you?

I don't know his name. He said he
was a friend of Monk McGuinness.

How do I know
that I can trust you?

Well... / How do I know
who you really are?

Well,

I can show you
my driver's license.

Yeah! What do
you want with poison?

Only to kill my wife.

Oh,

a wife-killer!

My first one.

Well, you've come
to the right place.

I'm really the best.

My poisons are
guaranteed undetectable.

Let me show you
my scrapbook.

Here, here.

Look at this.

"Heiress drops dead of
exhaustion during tennis match."

Exhaustion!

That was this one right here.

The remaining heirs
were very grateful to me.

Or look at this here.
Here, here, look, look.

"Industrialist drops dead of apoplexy
after signing partnership merger. "

Apoplexy?

Oh, now, that's... that was this
little sweetheart right here.

- Look, all I want is...
- Shh!

I know what you want.

But how would you like her to go?

Cramps while swimming,
a stroke?

Well...

I know.

I've got
just the thing for a wife.

She must like perfume.

I call it
L'amour de Nightshade.

Just one drop
behind each ear

and...

That'll do very nicely.

Good.

That will be $600, please.

$600?

In that instant,
it was suddenly clear to me

that I was dealing with
a dangerous maniac

and I had to get out of there
as quickly as possible.

One thing was certain. if I didn't
succeed in doing away with her soon,

I would surely
do away with myself.

It just couldn't go on.

It just couldn't.

But how could it be stopped?

I decided on poison but
there didn't seem to be any...

But there was!

And it wasn't
going to cost $600.

The young biologist told me not to
let that newspaper story frighten me.

He himself had been working on
botulism and had a culture of it.

"Botulism," he said, "was one of
the deadliest of food poisonings.

"But with modern methods of
refrigeration and preservation,

"it practically never occurred in
anything outside of the laboratory."

I'm sorry
you weren't hungry, Alex.

I feel like a pig, eating
all that ham by myself.

I thought it hadn't worked,

but I was wrong.

Oh, so wrong.

Oh, doctor,
thank goodness you got here.

Alex, my wife told me
you dropped by. What is it?

If it's those free vitamin samples,
I'm all out of them.

It's Jennifer.

What seems to be
bothering her?

I don't know.
She's breathing kind of funny.

It started last night.
She began seeing double.

Seeing double?

And then this morning,
before I left for work,

she looked so pale.

Poor Jennifer.

Pale?

Kind of gray.

I stopped off at your house but
you'd already left for the hospital.

For heaven's sake, man, you
could have called another doctor.

But, we've always gone to you.
You're our neighbor, our friend.

Doctor, doctor, how is she?

You better sit down, Alex.
I'm afraid it's bad news.

Jennifer's dead?

No, she's not.

She's not?

She's very ill,
but we mustn't give up hope.

No, no, no, of course not.

Tell me, what did you
have for dinner last night?

Well, um, we had soup.
Barley soup, of course.

Uh, lettuce and tomato salad,
no dressing.

Hamburgers...
No, no, I had the hamburger.

Jennifer insisted on
eating the leftover ham.

Leftover ham?

- And then for dessert...
- Never mind that.

That's it!

I'm going to take what's left
of that ham and have it analyzed.

I'm certain she's
suffering from botulism.

- Botulism?
- Yes.

It's a rare type
of food poisoning.

By the way,
have you got a paper bag?

Oh, yes, of course.

If only you'd called me last
night, or even this morning.

But now...

- There's no hope?
- Only one.

One?

She has
an amazing constitution.

If she can last
through the night,

she might just pull through.

She might?

Don't get your hopes up, Alex.
She has very little chance.

Let me know
if there's any change.

Yes, of course, doctor.

Suddenly, I felt sad.

I was almost sorry that poor
Jennifer had to leave.

It was a frightening
sound to hear.

She was actually
beginning to snore.

A loud, full,
disgustingly healthy snore.

"If she can last
through the night."

I was afraid she wouldn't
make it through the night.

"Cause of death. botulism."

Now, what time did you say
she stopped breathing?

Stopped breathing?
Oh, it was about 10:30.

"10:30."

I know this is difficult
for you, Alex,

but you'll have to give this
death certificate to the undertaker.

The undertaker?

Well, naturally. You didn't expect
to leave her in there, did you?

Oh, no.
Of course not.

I just never thought
about the funeral.

I know.
It's a sudden shock.

Yes, it is. I mean,
funerals are expensive.

I'm afraid it will
cost you at least $125.

That much?

Plus $35 more
for even the cheapest plot.

Oh.

Please accept my sympathy, Alex.

$160.

Jennifer was dead and
she was still spending my money.

But I wasn't going to
take it Iying down. No, sir.

$160.
I should say not.

Oh, what could I do?
Where could I turn?

State Univ. Medical School

$55, $65, $70, $75.

It was inspirationaI, the way
I got around the funeraI.

The medicaI schooI had actually
paid me for poor Jennifer.

$75.

Where are you?
What? I'm looking...

Oh, there you are.
I couldn't find you.

Before our overzealous efficiency
expert blacks me out entirely,

I should mention that Mr. Gifford was
caught and paid the supreme penalty,

in his case, a heavy fine.

You see, the moral
of tonight's story is

the perfect murder should also include
a happy funeral and a decent burial.

And now, for the perfect commercial,
after which I will return.

I'm certain you'll be delighted to
know that we saved enough money tonight

so that next week, we shall be
able to send you a double exposure.

And now, until then, when I assure
you we shall return to television,

good night,
wherever you are.