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Welcome to Cardinal Lanes, okay?
2
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- Home of the 7-10 Split Nachos.
- Yeah.
3
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Seven jalape�os, ten olives.
4
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Ugh!
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And we like to take the olives
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and shove them in house balls.
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It's literally iconic.
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- [LAUGHTER]
- Okay, no.
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But seriously,
we're here for business, okay?
10
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We're actually scouting.
11
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We're checking if this would be a good spot
12
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for my dad's bachelor party.
13
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- Mm-hmm.
- 'Cause I don't know
14
00:00:26,434 --> 00:00:27,801
if you've heard,
but I'm actually the best man,
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so kind of up to me to throw a rager.
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Well, originally he asked me to do it
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because I'm, like, an actual man.
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Pssh. Oh, my God. No, he didn't.
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Okay, well, originally originally,
he asked his best friend, Danny Foster,
20
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but Danny has to stay
within a three-mile radius
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00:00:38,969 --> 00:00:41,083
of Dayton because he stole
a bunch of copper wire,
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so then he asked me, yeah.
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Yeah, but then I reminded him
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I'm way better at throwing parties, so...
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And, like, you're kind of lacking
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in, like, the "what dads like" department,
27
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you know, 'cause you don't have a dad.
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I still haven't told Kelly I found my dad,
29
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but I'm thinking
if this night goes really well,
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you know, it might be a perfect time
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to drop the truth bomb on her.
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You know, she might be drunk
and not completely kill me
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for keeping it secret
for so long, but we'll see.
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Shrub, you're up.
35
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- [SQUISH]
- Ew!
36
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Kelly, guacamole, sour cream, and olives?
37
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- Are you kidding me?
- Guaca-holey!
38
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- Don't.
- Yes.
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Don't. Don't.
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No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
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- Don't, don't, don't.
- Hey, hey.
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- Hey, stop!
- [CHUCKLES]
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- Ew!
- Tastes pretty good, huh?
44
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? Oh, oh, oh ?
45
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[PINS CLATTER]
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It has been hard sharing
custody since the breakup.
47
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Emily Chicken son is for sure
having abandonment issues,
48
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but I think it softens the blow for Joe.
49
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Also, I'm not allowed livestock
at the place I'm staying.
50
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Truthfully, I think it helps Cheryl
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to know that we have
the chickens to bond over,
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although I do admit,
53
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it's nice having them around
since she moved out.
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And Shrub.
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Shrub moved out before her.
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It's just me and the chickens.
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[STRAINED] Joe and the gals.
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[CHUCKLING] We're great.
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[BOTH SCREAM] Jesus!
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Why? [LAUGHTER]
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- How you doing, buddy?
- [LAUGHS] I'm great!
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Okay, weird.
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Well, we are here to invite you
to my dad's bachelor party!
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BOTH: Ooh-ooh-ooh!
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Men only, minus me 'cause I'm the best man.
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Oh, and I am... well, I'm the best man too.
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Two best men. Yep.
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This is great. So great!
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[CHICKENS CLUCKING]
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No.
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You've gotta be kidding me.
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What the hell?
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The reason I called a meeting
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00:02:29,260 --> 00:02:31,695
of the entire Flatch town
building is becau...
75
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Wait, is this really everybody
that works in the building?
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- Oh, yeah, it's a small town.
- Mm-hmm.
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Also, I don't work here.
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Me and Cheryl are about to start
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our Wednesday Wines-day lunch.
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- Hey, hey!
- Ooh.
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Day drinking. I love that.
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Okay, but listen up.
Seriously, we got a problem.
83
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Pretty sure you're all aware
84
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that we have a very active
porch pirate in town right now,
85
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and that is not a good look
when you're trying
86
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to lure a major butter museum to Flatch.
87
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I have actually been tracking this story,
88
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and it turns out that
14 packages have been stolen
89
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in the last month.
90
00:03:00,026 --> 00:03:02,494
He stole my new espresso maker this morning!
91
00:03:02,509 --> 00:03:03,876
- Another espresso maker?
- Yeah.
92
00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:05,484
But this one's lemon zest yellow.
93
00:03:05,494 --> 00:03:07,229
Oh, my gosh. I love that so much.
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00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:08,907
- You're so stylish.
- Thanks.
95
00:03:08,917 --> 00:03:10,451
Anyway, we need to catch this guy.
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00:03:10,460 --> 00:03:12,628
Oh, my gosh, it says my ten-pound bag
97
00:03:12,641 --> 00:03:15,476
of grub worms was delivered two days ago.
98
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What is this freak doing with my grub worms?
99
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Who takes food out of the
mouths of innocent chickens?
100
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I propose we join forces and catch this guy.
101
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Ooh, yes, neighborhood watch
ladies detective team.
102
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- Exciting.
- Yes.
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We set out packages
and catch him in the act.
104
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I got a bear trap we can use.
105
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I gotta clean it first, though.
106
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Yeah.
107
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Oh, you mean... [CLEARS THROAT]
108
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You mean catch him and then call the police.
109
00:03:40,049 --> 00:03:43,020
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's...
That's what we all meant.
110
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So the bowling alley was not a good fit.
111
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You know, they're not our people, right?
112
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- Yeah, no.
- Plain and simple.
113
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You know, 'cause if we're
throwing a blowout party
114
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for an absolute maniac
in the best way... my dad...
115
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I mean, yeah, we're gonna need
somewhere that can handle us.
116
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Yeah, enter Major Shirley
Lance's Lazer Tag Park!
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CHECK THIS OUT: "Flatch's
only certified lazer tag park!
118
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Real-life war simulation!
Plenty of on-site parking!"
119
00:04:05,750 --> 00:04:07,050
I don't have to tell you everything,
120
00:04:07,059 --> 00:04:08,159
- but it's gonna be epic.
- Yeah.
121
00:04:08,166 --> 00:04:10,801
I mean, my dad's gonna love it.
It's gonna be the party of the century.
122
00:04:10,816 --> 00:04:13,418
Oh, this laser tag place looks so sick,
123
00:04:13,433 --> 00:04:15,034
but if I'm being honest,
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I'm also kind of worried for Kel, you know?
125
00:04:17,224 --> 00:04:18,591
I mean, not to be negative,
126
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:21,869
but Bobby's not really
the most popular guy in town.
127
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I'll see you there. I'll see you there.
128
00:04:23,734 --> 00:04:25,768
Gonna have a blast.
129
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See you there, sir.
130
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Most people we've tried to
invite have been a hard pass.
131
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I'm sorry, do you have
a problem with my dad?
132
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What was that?
133
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Yeah, he's a jerk.
134
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You just hate the guy for no reason? Cool.
135
00:04:39,133 --> 00:04:41,167
No, I hate him for the very specific reason
136
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that he punched me in the face
over a parking spot.
137
00:04:43,528 --> 00:04:46,196
Even though he's acting
creepy over his breakup,
138
00:04:46,211 --> 00:04:49,046
at least we got Joe coming
and Mickey and Dylan.
139
00:04:49,063 --> 00:04:53,267
So here's to hoping Bobby actually shows.
140
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You know, it's kind of ironic, actually,
141
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'cause my dad has been showing up for me
142
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every Thursday at 6:00 p. m. sharp.
143
00:04:58,726 --> 00:05:01,428
So welcome to our third
class on audition techniques.
144
00:05:01,444 --> 00:05:04,946
Tonight, how to mime talking on the phone.
145
00:05:04,966 --> 00:05:07,201
But first, just a quick bit of business
146
00:05:07,214 --> 00:05:09,982
for Daniel Stewart.
147
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[CLEARS THROAT]
148
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[COUGHS]
149
00:05:13,924 --> 00:05:15,758
Mr. Stewart?
150
00:05:15,769 --> 00:05:17,236
Oh, yes. Hi.
151
00:05:17,245 --> 00:05:18,779
Sorry. Yeah, that's me. Right.
152
00:05:18,788 --> 00:05:23,459
Mr. Stewart, the Venmo that
you sent for last week's class
153
00:05:23,486 --> 00:05:25,387
still just did not go through.
154
00:05:25,399 --> 00:05:28,067
Oh, what? Are you kidding? Again?
155
00:05:28,082 --> 00:05:30,216
Dude. Oh, man, that's...
156
00:05:30,229 --> 00:05:32,731
Banks literally suck, am I right?
157
00:05:32,746 --> 00:05:35,448
I've been going under the name
Daniel Stewart
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because I'm not really ready for him
to know my true identity yet
159
00:05:37,543 --> 00:05:40,846
but also because
Daniel Stewart is very notably
160
00:05:40,865 --> 00:05:42,899
the son of one of the greatest
thespians to ever live,
161
00:05:42,911 --> 00:05:44,211
Sir Patrick Stewart.
162
00:05:44,219 --> 00:05:45,753
And if he's thinking about it,
he'll be like,
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00:05:45,763 --> 00:05:49,466
"Oh, my God, that's Patrick Stewart's son.
164
00:05:49,487 --> 00:05:51,588
"He's the son of a great thespian.
165
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Wait a second. I'm a great thespian."
166
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[IMITATES WHIRRING]
167
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"He's not Patrick Stewart's son.
168
00:05:57,673 --> 00:06:01,142
"He's my son," or something like that.
169
00:06:01,162 --> 00:06:05,766
And now that you've gathered
all that energy in a ball,
170
00:06:05,792 --> 00:06:08,027
bounce it off the wall and catch it.
171
00:06:08,041 --> 00:06:09,041
[IMITATES CRASH]
172
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[GROWLING]
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Whoa.
174
00:06:18,676 --> 00:06:22,579
Wow. Way to commit, Mr. Stewart.
175
00:06:22,601 --> 00:06:25,369
Thank you. That surprised me as well.
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Hey, listen, I was thinking
177
00:06:26,828 --> 00:06:29,296
that maybe we could do
some, like, scene work,
178
00:06:29,311 --> 00:06:31,679
like, I don't know, maybe like
that scene from "Star Wars"
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00:06:31,693 --> 00:06:32,993
where it's Luke and Darth.
180
00:06:33,001 --> 00:06:36,170
And I'm just like, "You killed my father!"
181
00:06:36,188 --> 00:06:38,890
And Darth is like, "No, I am your father!"
182
00:06:38,906 --> 00:06:40,473
And, like, maybe you can be Darth,
183
00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:41,917
and I'll be Luke, and I don't know,
184
00:06:41,926 --> 00:06:43,627
we wrap it up with that scene
from "Field of Dreams"
185
00:06:43,637 --> 00:06:45,205
where we play catch at the end.
186
00:06:46,891 --> 00:06:48,926
Sadly, we are actually out of time.
187
00:06:48,938 --> 00:06:52,207
But, you know, great work, everyone.
188
00:06:52,226 --> 00:06:54,627
Just yes.
189
00:06:54,641 --> 00:06:56,810
[COMPUTERS CHIMING]
190
00:06:59,069 --> 00:07:00,304
Night, Dad.
191
00:07:02,246 --> 00:07:04,155
Welcome to the war zone.
192
00:07:04,167 --> 00:07:05,400
Looking good, soldiers.
193
00:07:05,409 --> 00:07:07,844
Red squad looks ready to roll.
194
00:07:07,896 --> 00:07:09,163
How's blue doing?
195
00:07:09,171 --> 00:07:12,582
Blue team is doing amazing, sir ma'am.
196
00:07:12,626 --> 00:07:15,795
We are waiting for one team member,
197
00:07:15,814 --> 00:07:18,849
General Bobby Mallet, to show up.
198
00:07:19,168 --> 00:07:21,203
But he is sprinting here
199
00:07:21,215 --> 00:07:24,150
from the Pentagon,
finishing up a prior mission.
200
00:07:24,167 --> 00:07:26,268
We don't joke about military ops.
201
00:07:26,281 --> 00:07:29,350
Joking around is how you lose a leg!
202
00:07:29,368 --> 00:07:33,037
Actually, drunk Jet Skiing
is how I lost my leg,
203
00:07:33,058 --> 00:07:34,692
but they don't need to know that.
204
00:07:34,702 --> 00:07:35,936
The red squad is definitely made up
205
00:07:35,944 --> 00:07:37,144
of the gentler gentlemen,
206
00:07:37,151 --> 00:07:40,086
but it'll be fun exercising
our bloodthirsty sides.
207
00:07:40,104 --> 00:07:41,538
I've never even fired a gun,
208
00:07:41,546 --> 00:07:43,981
but we did have a laser disc
player when I was a kid.
209
00:07:43,996 --> 00:07:45,830
I've seen "Xanadu," like, 100 times.
210
00:07:45,841 --> 00:07:47,809
[LAUGHS] So funny!
211
00:07:48,994 --> 00:07:50,294
Forgetting something, Lieutenant?
212
00:07:50,302 --> 00:07:52,637
- Thank you.
- So I have some, like,
213
00:07:52,651 --> 00:07:53,951
- really good news.
- Hey, Kel!
214
00:07:53,959 --> 00:07:55,694
Dad, yes! Oh, my God, he's here.
215
00:07:55,705 --> 00:07:57,906
Hi. Dead man walking.
216
00:07:57,919 --> 00:07:59,453
[IMITATES GUNFIRE] RIP.
217
00:07:59,462 --> 00:08:00,895
I don't think we've actually met.
218
00:08:00,904 --> 00:08:02,238
I'm Dylan.
219
00:08:02,246 --> 00:08:03,379
- Dylan.
- Oh, you're gonna
220
00:08:03,387 --> 00:08:04,588
- love this guy.
- Dylan the Villain.
221
00:08:04,595 --> 00:08:06,696
- Dylan the Villain.
- [LAUGHTER]
222
00:08:06,709 --> 00:08:08,710
- I like that.
- That's good.
223
00:08:08,722 --> 00:08:11,023
So... this is it?
224
00:08:11,037 --> 00:08:14,039
This is Bobby's bachelor party?
225
00:08:14,056 --> 00:08:16,392
- Uh...
- Where is everybody?
226
00:08:17,579 --> 00:08:20,180
This is all that Best Man
Shrub could get together,
227
00:08:20,196 --> 00:08:23,131
so Best Man Kel made the sign outside.
228
00:08:23,148 --> 00:08:25,317
It's gonna be really fun.
229
00:08:25,832 --> 00:08:27,399
Cheers, guys. Let's do it.
230
00:08:27,409 --> 00:08:29,377
[ALL CHEERING]
231
00:08:29,389 --> 00:08:30,389
Drink up.
232
00:08:30,395 --> 00:08:33,163
"Fragile rare antiques." Nice touch.
233
00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:35,113
Okay, the bait is set.
234
00:08:35,125 --> 00:08:36,159
I mean, if I was a porch pirate,
235
00:08:36,166 --> 00:08:37,533
I would be all over this.
236
00:08:37,541 --> 00:08:41,410
All right, so should we dig a foxhole,
237
00:08:41,433 --> 00:08:44,470
rub ourselves in dirt, and then
wait for him underground later?
238
00:08:46,163 --> 00:08:48,431
[CLEARS THROAT] I love that,
239
00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:51,714
but I was thinking what we could do
240
00:08:51,733 --> 00:08:55,569
is maybe go inside and look out
for him through the blinds
241
00:08:55,591 --> 00:08:58,093
and make a big batch of Barb-aritas.
242
00:08:58,108 --> 00:09:00,142
BOTH: Oh, yes, queen!
243
00:09:00,154 --> 00:09:01,521
Yeah, that works for me.
244
00:09:01,529 --> 00:09:04,164
This shovel only gets
more useful when I'm drunk.
245
00:09:04,180 --> 00:09:05,313
[CACKLES] Pow!
246
00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:07,588
- Oh!
- [LAUGHTER]
247
00:09:07,602 --> 00:09:10,671
If a laser hits you, you are dead.
248
00:09:10,688 --> 00:09:13,690
If you leave the boundary area,
you are dead.
249
00:09:13,708 --> 00:09:17,578
And what happens if you disobey
any of the major's rules?
250
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:19,467
ALL: That is how you lose a leg!
251
00:09:19,478 --> 00:09:22,046
Now, the battle will commence
252
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:24,597
in three, two,
253
00:09:24,611 --> 00:09:25,778
one.
254
00:09:25,786 --> 00:09:26,850
[BUZZER BLARES]
255
00:09:26,858 --> 00:09:28,294
- Move out!
- Go, go, go, go!
256
00:09:28,303 --> 00:09:30,571
- Go, go!
- Go, go, go, go!
257
00:09:30,584 --> 00:09:32,151
- I got your back.
- I got your back. Come on!
258
00:09:32,161 --> 00:09:36,097
[ROCK MUSIC]
259
00:09:36,119 --> 00:09:38,053
[GRUNTS]
260
00:09:38,065 --> 00:09:39,899
[LASERS ZAPPING]
261
00:09:39,910 --> 00:09:45,348
? ?
262
00:09:45,379 --> 00:09:47,347
[SHOUTING]
263
00:09:47,359 --> 00:09:53,964
? ?
264
00:09:54,001 --> 00:09:55,235
[PANTING] Hey.
265
00:09:55,243 --> 00:09:57,911
Hey, dude, I totally
kicked ass with this party.
266
00:09:57,926 --> 00:09:59,193
- Yeah.
- This is going so good.
267
00:09:59,201 --> 00:10:01,136
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Hope my dad's having a blast.
268
00:10:01,148 --> 00:10:03,449
- Hey, speaking of Dads, so...
- Hey, Kel.
269
00:10:03,463 --> 00:10:04,730
Hi.
270
00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:06,439
Can we switch guns? My sight broke.
271
00:10:06,449 --> 00:10:07,982
Oh, my God, duh.
272
00:10:07,991 --> 00:10:09,025
Thanks, K-Dog.
273
00:10:09,032 --> 00:10:10,766
Stay frosty out there, all right?
274
00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:12,511
- Mm-hmm.
- You too.
275
00:10:12,521 --> 00:10:14,122
- Hey...
- Okay, Dad-Dog.
276
00:10:14,132 --> 00:10:15,665
We'll talk soon. We'll talk soon, okay?
277
00:10:15,674 --> 00:10:16,708
I gotta go.
278
00:10:16,715 --> 00:10:18,883
[SIGHS]
279
00:10:18,896 --> 00:10:21,531
[CRICKETS CHIRPING, OWL HOOTS]
280
00:10:21,547 --> 00:10:22,947
No bites yet.
281
00:10:22,955 --> 00:10:25,257
Here is a fresh Barb-arita.
282
00:10:26,444 --> 00:10:28,712
Wait. What makes it a Barb-arita?
283
00:10:28,726 --> 00:10:30,160
Oh, I use pink lemonade.
284
00:10:30,169 --> 00:10:32,503
And it's rimmed with Splenda
instead of salt.
285
00:10:32,516 --> 00:10:35,185
- So drink up, girl.
- All righty.
286
00:10:35,201 --> 00:10:36,434
[LASERS ZAPPING]
287
00:10:36,442 --> 00:10:39,511
- Where is Joe?
- We're under heavy fire here.
288
00:10:39,529 --> 00:10:40,663
He's gone rogue.
289
00:10:40,670 --> 00:10:43,838
[SHOUTING]
290
00:10:43,856 --> 00:10:44,890
Go down! Go down!
291
00:10:44,897 --> 00:10:46,130
Go down! Go down!
292
00:10:46,138 --> 00:10:47,906
- Nice shot, Kel!
- Yes!
293
00:10:47,917 --> 00:10:49,884
- Yeah!
- Yes, blue team!
294
00:10:49,895 --> 00:10:51,296
- Blue team... oh.
- Blue! Blue!
295
00:10:51,305 --> 00:10:53,039
Blue team, one.
296
00:10:53,050 --> 00:10:54,984
Red team, zero.
297
00:10:54,995 --> 00:10:57,130
- I've been shot!
- Oh, my God.
298
00:10:57,143 --> 00:10:58,777
- Man down! Man down!
- Man down!
299
00:10:58,787 --> 00:11:00,721
Are you okay? Did you lose a leg?
300
00:11:00,733 --> 00:11:02,967
It's my heart.
301
00:11:02,980 --> 00:11:05,849
I've been shot in the heart.
302
00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:07,467
I think I'm dying.
303
00:11:07,476 --> 00:11:09,043
Hold me.
304
00:11:09,053 --> 00:11:10,554
- Um...
- Uh...
305
00:11:12,073 --> 00:11:13,406
ALL: Stiff as a board.
306
00:11:13,414 --> 00:11:16,250
Light as a feather. Stiff as a board.
307
00:11:16,266 --> 00:11:18,667
Nothing's happening, except my back hurts.
308
00:11:18,682 --> 00:11:21,517
Oh, my God, I swear this used
to work when we were kids.
309
00:11:21,533 --> 00:11:23,768
I think it's 'cause we were 45 pounds.
310
00:11:23,782 --> 00:11:24,915
Time for plan B.
311
00:11:24,922 --> 00:11:27,123
Let's just keep drinking
until that bastard pirates us.
312
00:11:27,136 --> 00:11:29,371
- Okay.
- Yes.
313
00:11:29,384 --> 00:11:32,253
It's like my chest is hollowed out.
314
00:11:32,270 --> 00:11:33,645
And I don't know
if I'll be able to love again.
315
00:11:33,654 --> 00:11:35,412
- And I don't know what to do!
- Soldier!
316
00:11:35,423 --> 00:11:37,424
- Snap out of it!
- Mickey.
317
00:11:38,039 --> 00:11:39,206
Going through a breakup is hard,
318
00:11:39,214 --> 00:11:41,181
but it's not fatal, believe me.
319
00:11:41,193 --> 00:11:43,995
It's just, I've never
been broken up with before,
320
00:11:44,011 --> 00:11:45,145
you know?
321
00:11:45,152 --> 00:11:48,187
I was a teen idol. I thought I was safe.
322
00:11:48,205 --> 00:11:51,541
I mean, breaking hearts,
climbing the charts.
323
00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:53,227
Why does it hurt so much?
324
00:11:53,237 --> 00:11:56,906
Because losing something you love sucks.
325
00:11:56,928 --> 00:11:58,129
Not that I really know.
326
00:11:58,136 --> 00:12:00,804
I've never really been through a breakup.
Nadine and I have been exclusive
327
00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:02,387
since, like, fourth grade.
328
00:12:02,396 --> 00:12:04,230
But I've seen "Xanadu,"
329
00:12:04,242 --> 00:12:05,710
so I know loss.
330
00:12:05,719 --> 00:12:07,286
You gotta uncork, bro.
331
00:12:07,295 --> 00:12:10,163
You gotta talk it through
and get it off your chest.
332
00:12:10,180 --> 00:12:11,280
Okay.
333
00:12:11,287 --> 00:12:14,456
I'm gonna try to say what I'm feeling.
334
00:12:14,474 --> 00:12:19,211
Cheryl leaving me was totally crushing.
335
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:22,942
It makes me feel worthless,
336
00:12:22,963 --> 00:12:24,764
useless, and alone.
337
00:12:24,775 --> 00:12:26,242
Good job.
338
00:12:26,251 --> 00:12:29,086
Whoa, that actually felt pretty great.
339
00:12:29,102 --> 00:12:31,770
I am worthless and alone.
340
00:12:31,786 --> 00:12:33,220
[CACKLES]
341
00:12:33,229 --> 00:12:34,530
Feel your feels, bro.
342
00:12:34,538 --> 00:12:36,872
We are a unit, and nothing will separate us.
343
00:12:36,886 --> 00:12:38,439
- Nothing... oh, that's Bobby.
- [GROWLING]
344
00:12:38,449 --> 00:12:39,529
Gotta go.
345
00:12:39,536 --> 00:12:41,070
- Die, dork! Die!
- [LASER ZAPPING]
346
00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:42,914
- No...
- Go, go, go!
347
00:12:42,925 --> 00:12:44,292
Kel, two down!
348
00:12:44,300 --> 00:12:45,400
- Two down!
- Nice work, Dad!
349
00:12:45,407 --> 00:12:46,541
- Come on! Two!
- Sorry, Dyl.
350
00:12:46,549 --> 00:12:48,049
- Go, go, go, go!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, go!
351
00:12:48,058 --> 00:12:49,225
[GRUNTS]
352
00:12:49,232 --> 00:12:50,833
Blue team, two!
353
00:12:50,843 --> 00:12:52,443
- Okay.
- Red team, zero!
354
00:12:52,453 --> 00:12:53,687
Hope you're hiding, Mickey!
355
00:12:53,695 --> 00:12:55,562
I'll never let you guys take me alive!
356
00:12:55,573 --> 00:12:57,074
Coming to get you!
357
00:12:57,083 --> 00:12:58,251
Have you seen "Xanadu"?
358
00:12:59,500 --> 00:13:01,801
Never have I ever ran away from home
359
00:13:01,950 --> 00:13:04,352
and joined a German traveling circus.
360
00:13:04,366 --> 00:13:07,435
Oh, okay, well, that's really specific,
361
00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:09,420
so that one.
362
00:13:09,432 --> 00:13:11,867
Never have I ever...
363
00:13:11,881 --> 00:13:14,595
been away from my chickens this long.
364
00:13:14,700 --> 00:13:17,035
Wait. I don't get something.
365
00:13:17,048 --> 00:13:19,549
Why does Joe get to see the chickens at all?
366
00:13:19,564 --> 00:13:20,798
They're your chickens.
367
00:13:20,806 --> 00:13:22,473
Well, I thought it would be a nice way
368
00:13:22,483 --> 00:13:24,017
to let him down easy.
369
00:13:24,026 --> 00:13:26,060
You know, Joe is surprisingly fragile.
370
00:13:26,073 --> 00:13:28,575
So this guy brings you to a small town
371
00:13:28,589 --> 00:13:30,022
in the middle of nowhere,
372
00:13:30,031 --> 00:13:32,733
breaks up with you, and you get nothing,
373
00:13:32,749 --> 00:13:34,150
but when you break up with him,
374
00:13:34,159 --> 00:13:37,161
he gets your chickens for half the time?
375
00:13:37,178 --> 00:13:38,578
Yeah, in a nutshell.
376
00:13:38,587 --> 00:13:41,923
Well, I think Joe's
not allowed to be fragile.
377
00:13:41,942 --> 00:13:44,310
- I think it's bull.
- It's bull.
378
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:46,191
You know what we gotta do.
379
00:13:46,203 --> 00:13:48,872
Write Joe a very strongly worded email.
380
00:13:48,887 --> 00:13:50,087
- No, that's stupid.
- What?
381
00:13:50,095 --> 00:13:52,963
We gotta your chickens back to you.
382
00:13:52,980 --> 00:13:55,115
Maybe it's the Barb-aritas talking,
383
00:13:55,127 --> 00:13:58,262
but I'm gonna say
you can have the chickens here.
384
00:13:58,281 --> 00:14:00,249
- Aw!
- [SOBBING]
385
00:14:00,260 --> 00:14:02,595
- Stop crying. Stop.
- Hey, hold on.
386
00:14:02,609 --> 00:14:05,344
I need you to grab your shovel, Mandy.
387
00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:07,728
We gotta go prison break
some chickens, girls.
388
00:14:07,742 --> 00:14:09,677
- Let's go.
- Yes!
389
00:14:11,399 --> 00:14:13,233
This is going better than
I could have ever imagined.
390
00:14:13,244 --> 00:14:15,111
My dad's really happy. He loves it.
391
00:14:15,123 --> 00:14:16,424
We even have a secret bird call.
392
00:14:16,432 --> 00:14:18,800
Watch this. Watch this.
393
00:14:18,814 --> 00:14:21,716
[HOOTING]
394
00:14:21,733 --> 00:14:23,166
[HOOTING]
395
00:14:23,175 --> 00:14:25,043
[SNORTS] That's my dad.
396
00:14:25,054 --> 00:14:26,988
Also, we're crushing the red team.
397
00:14:26,999 --> 00:14:28,767
Like, only Mickey's left.
398
00:14:28,778 --> 00:14:30,845
Let's just say my dad and I
made a little plan
399
00:14:30,858 --> 00:14:32,759
to seal the win.
400
00:14:32,770 --> 00:14:34,338
Stay tuned.
401
00:14:36,729 --> 00:14:38,163
[HOOTING]
402
00:14:38,172 --> 00:14:41,309
- [GRUNTS]
- [HOOTING]
403
00:14:44,848 --> 00:14:47,083
Here we go. Last kill of the day.
404
00:14:47,096 --> 00:14:48,464
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
405
00:14:49,915 --> 00:14:51,182
Shrub.
406
00:14:51,190 --> 00:14:53,559
It's me. It's me. Any signs of Mickey?
407
00:14:54,913 --> 00:14:56,348
[MOUTHS WORD]
408
00:14:56,926 --> 00:14:58,093
Hey, hey, hey.
409
00:14:58,100 --> 00:14:59,934
You wanted to tell me something
earlier, right?
410
00:14:59,945 --> 00:15:02,380
Yeah, actually, so...
411
00:15:02,395 --> 00:15:05,597
What? I'm struggling to hear you.
412
00:15:05,615 --> 00:15:08,084
[MOUTHING WORDS]
413
00:15:10,078 --> 00:15:12,112
Shrub, what are you doing out in the open?
414
00:15:12,124 --> 00:15:14,125
- No, wait! No!
- [LASER ZAPPING]
415
00:15:14,137 --> 00:15:16,672
- Mickey, die!
- Mickey, die!
416
00:15:16,687 --> 00:15:19,556
Yay, blue team! Yeah, you're dead, Mickey!
417
00:15:19,573 --> 00:15:21,307
- Blue team wins!
- Blue! Blue! Blue!
418
00:15:21,317 --> 00:15:22,384
BOTH: Blue! Blue! Blue! Blue!
419
00:15:22,391 --> 00:15:25,192
- Told you!
- Mallet! Mallet!
420
00:15:25,209 --> 00:15:26,777
- Dude, we won!
- Game over.
421
00:15:26,786 --> 00:15:29,354
Am I 100% cool with being
sacrificed by my own team?
422
00:15:29,369 --> 00:15:30,769
Absolutely not.
423
00:15:30,778 --> 00:15:33,914
But it's whatever, because genuinely,
424
00:15:33,932 --> 00:15:36,100
I have never seen Bobby so happy in my life.
425
00:15:36,113 --> 00:15:38,514
And when Bobby's happy, Kelly's happy.
426
00:15:38,528 --> 00:15:39,628
I mean, literally, he's so happy.
427
00:15:39,635 --> 00:15:41,503
Like, he forced us all
to come out to this bar
428
00:15:41,515 --> 00:15:42,782
to keep the party going and was like,
429
00:15:42,790 --> 00:15:44,724
"First round's on me,"
which I have literally
430
00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:47,136
never heard him say in my life.
431
00:15:47,150 --> 00:15:51,187
And plus, now Kelly owes me
one in the dad department,
432
00:15:51,211 --> 00:15:52,412
so that's huge.
433
00:15:53,827 --> 00:15:55,294
[BOTTLE CLINKING]
434
00:15:55,303 --> 00:15:57,171
Listen up, everyone.
435
00:15:57,182 --> 00:15:59,283
Wow!
436
00:15:59,296 --> 00:16:01,230
Whoo!
437
00:16:01,241 --> 00:16:03,010
Mmm. [GLUGGING]
438
00:16:05,402 --> 00:16:07,636
Wow, yeah.
439
00:16:07,649 --> 00:16:10,284
I know we're all feeling a lot of feelings,
440
00:16:10,300 --> 00:16:12,668
trying to process a lot of emotions tonight,
441
00:16:12,682 --> 00:16:17,586
so I thought it'd be good to
get a few things off my chest.
442
00:16:17,614 --> 00:16:19,181
Like, when the bartender guy said,
443
00:16:19,190 --> 00:16:21,258
"We're all out of pretzels,"
444
00:16:21,271 --> 00:16:22,838
I'm sure we all felt the same mix
445
00:16:22,847 --> 00:16:25,082
- of sadness and rage.
- Okay.
446
00:16:25,096 --> 00:16:28,498
But we lived with
the sadness, we processed it,
447
00:16:28,517 --> 00:16:31,553
and then we ordered hot wings,
and we moved on,
448
00:16:31,571 --> 00:16:32,771
which brings me to Bobby
449
00:16:32,779 --> 00:16:35,481
and the wonderful reason
we're here celebrating tonight.
450
00:16:35,497 --> 00:16:36,997
- Whoo!
- Bobby.
451
00:16:37,006 --> 00:16:39,741
Bobby. Bobby. Just remember, Bobby.
452
00:16:39,757 --> 00:16:43,560
Love is a lie.
453
00:16:43,582 --> 00:16:46,150
It doesn't last forever.
454
00:16:46,165 --> 00:16:50,602
We come into this world alone,
and we go out the same way.
455
00:16:50,627 --> 00:16:52,094
We kind of fool ourselves
456
00:16:52,103 --> 00:16:55,606
in between Cheryl loving us
and wanting to be with us,
457
00:16:55,626 --> 00:16:57,460
so we accept her chickens.
458
00:16:57,472 --> 00:16:59,806
And we end up loving those chickens
459
00:16:59,819 --> 00:17:04,124
just like we end up loving the
dumb bartender's chicken wings.
460
00:17:05,423 --> 00:17:09,392
I miss Cheryl. I miss her.
461
00:17:09,415 --> 00:17:12,050
[EXHALES SHARPLY] Ooh, okay.
462
00:17:12,065 --> 00:17:14,834
Feels good, guys. I'm feeling my feels.
463
00:17:14,851 --> 00:17:16,785
- Thank you.
- Okay, Joe.
464
00:17:16,796 --> 00:17:17,963
- All right, good one.
- Wow!
465
00:17:17,971 --> 00:17:19,505
All right, good one. Good job.
466
00:17:19,514 --> 00:17:21,081
- Really good.
- Thank you.
467
00:17:21,091 --> 00:17:22,892
Let's hear it for Joe, everybody.
468
00:17:22,903 --> 00:17:24,437
Joe. [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
469
00:17:24,446 --> 00:17:26,280
- Hey, listen up.
- Listen!
470
00:17:26,291 --> 00:17:27,891
I actually want to say something.
471
00:17:27,901 --> 00:17:29,302
I barely know most of you,
472
00:17:29,311 --> 00:17:31,846
but something that you don't know about me
473
00:17:31,860 --> 00:17:35,562
is that I have not always
been the best father.
474
00:17:35,584 --> 00:17:37,485
- No, that's a lie.
- In fact,
475
00:17:37,496 --> 00:17:41,433
I have been a freaking
lousy father at times.
476
00:17:41,456 --> 00:17:42,989
- Dad, that's not true.
- No, no, no, no, no,
477
00:17:42,998 --> 00:17:44,633
especially to Kelly.
478
00:17:45,683 --> 00:17:47,550
My best man.
479
00:17:47,561 --> 00:17:50,230
She has put up with so much over the years,
480
00:17:50,246 --> 00:17:52,447
and still, she is always there for me.
481
00:17:52,460 --> 00:17:53,693
Always there.
482
00:17:53,701 --> 00:17:56,270
How lucky am I to have a kid
as cool as this one right here?
483
00:17:56,285 --> 00:17:57,952
Huh? Let's hear it for Kelly Mallet.
484
00:17:57,962 --> 00:18:01,865
My firstborn, Kelly Mallet!
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
485
00:18:01,887 --> 00:18:04,188
- Ah!
- Mic drop.
486
00:18:04,202 --> 00:18:06,036
Come here, kiddo.
487
00:18:06,047 --> 00:18:07,047
Bring in the love. Come on.
488
00:18:07,054 --> 00:18:08,489
Thanks, Dad.
489
00:18:10,693 --> 00:18:12,728
We're gonna steal the chickens
490
00:18:13,028 --> 00:18:14,829
'cause they belong with their mama.
491
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:17,308
And I wrote him this nice little note
492
00:18:17,323 --> 00:18:19,124
explaining everything.
493
00:18:19,135 --> 00:18:21,369
Where did everybody go?
494
00:18:21,382 --> 00:18:24,351
Gotta dig these chickens out.
495
00:18:24,368 --> 00:18:26,803
Okay, Barb. Up and over.
496
00:18:26,818 --> 00:18:28,318
- I'm gonna take my shoes off.
- Okay.
497
00:18:28,327 --> 00:18:30,662
'Cause I don't want to puncture your spleen.
498
00:18:30,676 --> 00:18:32,276
Thank you.
499
00:18:32,286 --> 00:18:33,887
Y'all are wasting y'all time.
500
00:18:33,896 --> 00:18:36,164
I'm gonna get
this chicken escape tunnel done
501
00:18:36,178 --> 00:18:37,345
in ten minutes.
502
00:18:37,352 --> 00:18:38,952
Hey, guys.
503
00:18:38,962 --> 00:18:40,863
What are you all doing?
504
00:18:40,874 --> 00:18:43,576
- We're freeing your birds.
- What are you doing, lady?
505
00:18:43,592 --> 00:18:45,226
We're just trying to get your chickens.
506
00:18:45,236 --> 00:18:48,204
It's a chicken coop. There's no lock.
507
00:18:48,222 --> 00:18:49,389
- Oh.
- Oh.
508
00:18:49,396 --> 00:18:51,331
But this is so much more fun.
509
00:18:51,343 --> 00:18:54,211
[LAUGHTER]
510
00:18:54,227 --> 00:18:55,894
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
511
00:18:55,905 --> 00:18:58,040
What's up, buddy? How you doing?
512
00:18:58,052 --> 00:19:00,320
Like, I knew me and my dad were close,
513
00:19:00,334 --> 00:19:02,669
- but that was...
- That was kind of epic.
514
00:19:02,683 --> 00:19:04,316
- I mean...
- That was wild.
515
00:19:04,326 --> 00:19:06,061
Thank you for tonight.
I couldn't have done it without you.
516
00:19:06,071 --> 00:19:08,205
Oh, my God. No, of course. Of course.
517
00:19:08,218 --> 00:19:11,220
So actually, since it's, you
know, a really big dad night,
518
00:19:11,237 --> 00:19:14,941
I wanted to share
some big daddy news of my own.
519
00:19:15,767 --> 00:19:18,668
I, like... I found him.
520
00:19:18,685 --> 00:19:21,254
I found my dad.
521
00:19:21,269 --> 00:19:22,669
- What?
- Yeah.
522
00:19:22,678 --> 00:19:24,279
Like, I know where he is,
523
00:19:24,289 --> 00:19:29,560
and I'm thinking about,
like, reaching out, maybe.
524
00:19:29,590 --> 00:19:30,857
I gotta be honest,
525
00:19:30,865 --> 00:19:33,734
like, I do not think that's a good idea.
526
00:19:34,253 --> 00:19:36,587
I don't know, I feel like
it actually might be
527
00:19:36,601 --> 00:19:38,002
a good idea because he might be, like...
528
00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:40,145
Shrub, think about it, okay?
529
00:19:40,157 --> 00:19:43,026
Like, your dad isn't like my dad.
530
00:19:43,043 --> 00:19:45,511
He abandoned you when you were a baby.
531
00:19:45,526 --> 00:19:46,859
You don't need that in your life.
532
00:19:46,867 --> 00:19:49,102
Like, you deserve way more than that.
533
00:19:49,115 --> 00:19:50,949
Hey, Kel-Kel, you're up for darts.
534
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:53,395
- Your turn.
- Coming, Dad!
535
00:19:53,410 --> 00:19:56,612
Forget about Lloyd, okay? You have us.
536
00:19:56,630 --> 00:19:58,297
- We're your family, dude.
- Yeah.
537
00:19:58,308 --> 00:19:59,876
Yeah! Come on.
538
00:19:59,885 --> 00:20:01,118
Love you.
539
00:20:01,126 --> 00:20:02,360
All right, here comes a bull's-eye.
540
00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:03,668
- Oh!
- Oh!
541
00:20:03,676 --> 00:20:05,610
It's a faulty dart.
542
00:20:05,621 --> 00:20:07,489
Okay, Dad, come here. Come here.
543
00:20:07,501 --> 00:20:10,036
- Give me the keys.
- Did you hear what he said?
544
00:20:10,051 --> 00:20:12,152
I'm the designated driver, okay?
545
00:20:12,164 --> 00:20:14,198
- Ah! Come on.
- Ah! [LAUGHS]
546
00:20:14,210 --> 00:20:15,978
Hey, good night, suckers!
547
00:20:15,989 --> 00:20:17,557
Bye, guys. Thanks.
548
00:20:19,411 --> 00:20:21,112
- Shrub.
- Mm-hmm?
549
00:20:21,122 --> 00:20:23,256
I'm done hiding how I feel,
550
00:20:23,269 --> 00:20:25,305
not asking for what I want.
551
00:20:26,389 --> 00:20:28,958
I feel very drunk,
552
00:20:28,973 --> 00:20:31,007
and I need you to walk me home.
553
00:20:31,019 --> 00:20:33,088
I got you, bro.
554
00:20:34,945 --> 00:20:36,212
[CHICKEN CLUCKS]
555
00:20:36,220 --> 00:20:38,788
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew,
ew, ew, ew, disgusting!
556
00:20:38,803 --> 00:20:39,937
[GAGS]
557
00:20:39,944 --> 00:20:41,844
Oh, come on, Nadine.
558
00:20:41,855 --> 00:20:42,922
[GAGS]
559
00:20:42,929 --> 00:20:45,030
You literally have
two disgusting human beings
560
00:20:45,043 --> 00:20:46,510
pooping on you all the time.
561
00:20:46,519 --> 00:20:49,288
Eh, wrong, the babies know to poop on Dylan.
562
00:20:49,304 --> 00:20:51,505
- [FAINT RUSTLING]
- What was that?
563
00:20:51,518 --> 00:20:54,120
Oh, my gosh. It's the porch pirate.
564
00:20:54,136 --> 00:20:55,536
Let's get his ass!
565
00:20:55,544 --> 00:20:59,080
Huh, what's with all these packages?
566
00:20:59,101 --> 00:21:00,601
- Gotcha!
- Ah!
567
00:21:00,610 --> 00:21:02,645
[GROANS] Ow.
568
00:21:02,657 --> 00:21:05,258
- Oops.
- Oh.
569
00:21:05,273 --> 00:21:07,742
- Hi, roomie!
- [LAUGHS]
570
00:21:07,757 --> 00:21:08,823
I got you always.
571
00:21:08,830 --> 00:21:10,598
Oh, I'm just gonna crash in my man cave.
572
00:21:10,609 --> 00:21:12,443
I don't want to wake up Jessie and the baby.
573
00:21:12,454 --> 00:21:14,021
Shh, be quiet. Shh.
574
00:21:14,030 --> 00:21:17,433
[LAUGHS] You're the best, kid.
575
00:21:17,453 --> 00:21:19,153
You're the best.
576
00:21:19,163 --> 00:21:21,298
Night-night, Kel.
577
00:21:21,311 --> 00:21:22,946
Let me get you a blanket.
578
00:21:26,149 --> 00:21:29,285
[DOGS BARKING]
579
00:21:29,335 --> 00:21:33,885
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