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["DECK THE HALLS"]
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? ?
3
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So this year, we're cute
little Christmas orphans.
4
00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:13,056
My dad decided to close down
the Christmas tree farm early,
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you know, and he's spending Christmas
6
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with Jessie and her family.
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And ever since the divorce,
my mom is the Grinch.
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- [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah, and my nan
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is livin' la vida loco down in Mexico.
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And we get to make new
traditions, like, for example,
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the Great Christmas Sleep-in.
12
00:00:26,962 --> 00:00:28,600
The goal is basically to sleep
through the whole thing.
13
00:00:28,602 --> 00:00:30,907
But this year, I'm actually going to bravely
14
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- hand my win over to Shrub...
- Yeah!
15
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Because at 3:00 p.m.,
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Columbus Crew has an exhibition game.
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I'm really excited.
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- Columbus Crew for life!
- Oh!
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- Ugh!
- [BALL CRASHES]
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- Ooh.
- Goal!
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? ?
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? Deck the halls with boughs of holly ?
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? Deck the halls with boughs of holly ?
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? Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ?
25
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Ah, yay!
26
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Exciting. OK, look.
27
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I'll see you at the auditions tomorrow.
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- OK.
- Barbie-Shop Quartet.
29
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So last Christmas, I was kicked out
30
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of the Pompano Christmas Caroles.
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That's Caroles with an E-S
because two of the women
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in the group were named Carole.
33
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They claimed I was pitchy.
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But I think they were just jealous.
35
00:01:19,181 --> 00:01:20,790
- [HUMMING]
- Flatch is my chance
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to start over in every way.
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So I'm creating my own caroling group,
38
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the Barbie-Shop Quartet.
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[LAUGHS] Oh, who's caroling now,
40
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Carole and Carole, hmm?
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So we're actually getting ourselves
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the best present ever:
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00:01:32,377 --> 00:01:36,030
our all-time favorite Columbus Crew player.
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Derrick Etienne, Jr...
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- [AIR HORN PLAYING ON PHONE]
- [MIMICKING AIR HORN]
46
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Is maybe coming to Flatch.
47
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So basically, he was supposed
to do an appearance
48
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tomorrow in Brighton at a toy drive, OK?
49
00:01:44,314 --> 00:01:46,465
But there's a snowstorm,
a really, really bad one.
50
00:01:46,466 --> 00:01:48,209
Show 'em the tweet. Or the...
51
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- Facebook, Facebook.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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"Sorry Brighton!
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"All flights are grounded.
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- "Keep on kicking!"
- Kicking.
55
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[LAUGHS]
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Like, kicking, but also, like, kicking.
57
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Soccer pun. I mean, he's hilarious.
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00:01:57,828 --> 00:01:59,086
- Genius.
- But anyway,
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00:01:59,087 --> 00:02:00,721
so I slid into his DMs, sexy style...
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00:02:00,722 --> 00:02:02,890
Kidding... and I was
just sort of like, "Hey,
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00:02:02,891 --> 00:02:05,409
you should come to the toy
drive in Flatch instead."
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00:02:05,410 --> 00:02:07,819
And then, you know, I told him
Flatch has a bunch of orphans,
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00:02:07,820 --> 00:02:09,397
and I sent documentation.
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00:02:09,398 --> 00:02:11,198
OK, less Piglet, more Eeyore,
you know what I mean?
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00:02:11,199 --> 00:02:12,658
Sadder, sadder. Look, like this.
66
00:02:12,659 --> 00:02:13,901
[ALL MOANING]
67
00:02:13,902 --> 00:02:15,069
You're... no, next.
68
00:02:15,070 --> 00:02:17,180
And the truth is, we do have orphans, OK?
69
00:02:17,181 --> 00:02:18,330
- Shrub.
- Um...
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00:02:18,331 --> 00:02:20,332
You are.
Nan and your mom, where are they?
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Nowhere to be found.
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00:02:21,334 --> 00:02:23,001
Dad, no one knows him, OK?
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00:02:23,002 --> 00:02:24,428
So you're like little Tiny Tim...
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00:02:24,429 --> 00:02:26,004
- No.
- Except Tiny Little Shrub.
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00:02:26,005 --> 00:02:28,098
No... well, my dad is, like, somewhere,
76
00:02:28,298 --> 00:02:30,558
so it's not like
I'm, like, an actual orphan.
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No, the point is, anyone can be an orphan
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00:02:32,954 --> 00:02:34,288
under the right circumstances.
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Ugh, this egg retrieval
cannot come soon enough.
80
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I'm so swollen,
even my nap dresses are tight.
81
00:02:40,812 --> 00:02:43,072
You're still driving me
to my appointment, right?
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I didn't forget.
83
00:02:44,649 --> 00:02:47,134
And neither did our children,
84
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Jasper and Matilda.
85
00:02:48,394 --> 00:02:49,803
Oh, my God, what are those?
86
00:02:49,804 --> 00:02:51,805
I found this website
where you can upload a photo
87
00:02:51,806 --> 00:02:53,749
and it generates images of your kids.
88
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One's a boy, and one's a girl,
just not the ones you think.
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00:02:56,311 --> 00:02:58,737
Well, what photo of mine did you use?
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00:02:58,738 --> 00:03:00,405
I used the one of us
at the A-Men meet and greet
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00:03:00,406 --> 00:03:01,573
at the Mall of America.
92
00:03:01,574 --> 00:03:03,259
Well, Joe, that photo should be burned.
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Look at my hair.
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Look at mine, with frosted tips.
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It was at its peak, just like
my career at the time.
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00:03:10,583 --> 00:03:12,584
Welcome to the auditions
97
00:03:12,585 --> 00:03:15,012
for Flatch's very own Barbie-Shop Quartet.
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- Barb.
- Yeah?
99
00:03:16,331 --> 00:03:17,606
How do we want to do this?
100
00:03:17,607 --> 00:03:18,924
Want me just to wait
over here while you choose
101
00:03:18,925 --> 00:03:20,017
the other two singers, or...
102
00:03:20,018 --> 00:03:21,110
Eh, what?
103
00:03:21,111 --> 00:03:22,836
- No, I'm teasing, teasing.
- Oh, OK.
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00:03:22,837 --> 00:03:25,931
Although I was a professional
singer for money.
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Right. Here we go. And...
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[PLAYS NOTE]
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ALL: ? Joy to the world ?
108
00:03:32,530 --> 00:03:35,273
? The Lord has come ?
109
00:03:35,274 --> 00:03:40,204
? Let Earth receive her king ?
110
00:03:40,205 --> 00:03:45,375
? Let every heart prepare him room ?
111
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? And heaven and nature sing ?
112
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? And heaven and nature sing ?
113
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? And heaven, heaven and nature sing. ?
114
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- [VOCALIZING]
- Wow!
115
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You guys, the pipes on you.
116
00:04:00,375 --> 00:04:03,210
But three of you, oh,
really jingled my bells.
117
00:04:03,211 --> 00:04:04,970
Mandy. Nadine.
118
00:04:04,971 --> 00:04:05,971
[LAUGHS]
119
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- Dylan.
- Wh...
120
00:04:07,215 --> 00:04:09,975
Congratulations, welcome to the quartet.
121
00:04:09,976 --> 00:04:11,994
I'm confused.
122
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Was I off-key?
123
00:04:13,238 --> 00:04:14,555
No, it's just... you were good.
124
00:04:14,556 --> 00:04:15,556
They were better.
125
00:04:15,557 --> 00:04:18,483
I'm sorry, but no, Joe and June.
126
00:04:18,484 --> 00:04:20,169
- [GASPS]
- Thank you for coming, though.
127
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Appreciate it.
128
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[MOANS]
129
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Bye.
130
00:04:23,732 --> 00:04:24,881
Hmm.
131
00:04:26,768 --> 00:04:28,919
I know Kelly is, like, super into us
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being Christmas orphans,
133
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but turns out, I am not actually a Tiny Tim.
134
00:04:33,350 --> 00:04:36,243
I've been doing some
cyber-sleuthing on le Google,
135
00:04:36,244 --> 00:04:37,686
being all Sherlock Homey.
136
00:04:37,687 --> 00:04:40,097
Anyway, big news:
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apparently, there are 23 Mallet men
138
00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:44,918
within a 500-mile radius.
139
00:04:44,919 --> 00:04:47,087
21 of those were assigned male at birth.
140
00:04:47,088 --> 00:04:51,425
And of those 21, 13 match
the age range of my dad.
141
00:04:51,426 --> 00:04:54,853
So orphan that.
142
00:04:54,854 --> 00:04:56,434
Not so tiny now, am I?
143
00:04:56,436 --> 00:04:57,522
No. No way.
144
00:04:57,523 --> 00:04:58,541
- What?
- No way.
145
00:04:58,542 --> 00:04:59,933
No, Kelly, no.
146
00:04:59,934 --> 00:05:02,269
Derrick freaking Etienne
is coming to Flatch.
147
00:05:02,270 --> 00:05:04,696
Oh, my God, dude, that's a blue check.
148
00:05:04,697 --> 00:05:06,364
Oh, my God, that's really him.
149
00:05:06,365 --> 00:05:08,609
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
150
00:05:08,610 --> 00:05:10,468
We have to throw a toy drive by tomorrow.
151
00:05:20,455 --> 00:05:22,806
Barb, missed you.
152
00:05:22,807 --> 00:05:24,400
So I can't work today.
153
00:05:24,401 --> 00:05:26,627
Sorry ahead of time.
It'll never happen again.
154
00:05:26,628 --> 00:05:28,962
But I'm throwing a spontaneous toy drive.
155
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- [GASPS]
- And, you know,
156
00:05:30,056 --> 00:05:31,222
unrelated, I was wondering if you...
157
00:05:31,223 --> 00:05:32,633
You know, you're a giving gal...
158
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If you want to give
any of these toys to me...
159
00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:37,413
- Oh.
- Just for a donation.
160
00:05:37,414 --> 00:05:39,139
Mm-kay. You know what?
161
00:05:39,140 --> 00:05:41,584
A toy drive is a great idea, Kel.
162
00:05:41,585 --> 00:05:43,477
It's exactly the kind of positive PR
163
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we need to bring in the Butter Bus Museum
164
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and just happens to be
the perfect time to debut
165
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the Barbie-Shop Quartet.
166
00:05:50,093 --> 00:05:51,652
Yeah, we'll talk about that later.
167
00:05:51,653 --> 00:05:53,487
I just really hope I can
get it done in a day, you know?
168
00:05:53,488 --> 00:05:55,172
- I'm kind of nervous.
- Look at me.
169
00:05:55,173 --> 00:05:57,582
What kind of melon do you want to be,
170
00:05:57,583 --> 00:06:00,351
a "can't-aloupe" or a "honey-do"?
171
00:06:02,755 --> 00:06:04,939
Yeah, you're gonna figure this out.
172
00:06:08,186 --> 00:06:10,354
[SIGHS]
173
00:06:10,355 --> 00:06:11,839
I just don't get it.
174
00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:13,616
How can the winner of a Daytime Grammy
175
00:06:13,617 --> 00:06:15,100
not make it into the quartet?
176
00:06:15,101 --> 00:06:18,362
Joe, I really need to finish
writing this article.
177
00:06:18,363 --> 00:06:20,197
Should I appeal the decision,
178
00:06:20,198 --> 00:06:21,698
have Carson Daly vouch for me?
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00:06:21,699 --> 00:06:23,942
You know, you'd be surprised
how much pull he still has.
180
00:06:23,943 --> 00:06:26,111
You know, it sounds
exactly like when you tried
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00:06:26,112 --> 00:06:27,688
to get A-Men back together.
182
00:06:27,689 --> 00:06:29,298
Look how that turned out.
183
00:06:29,299 --> 00:06:30,706
Yeah, you're right.
184
00:06:32,043 --> 00:06:34,119
So you're saying I should
start my own caroling group.
185
00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:36,196
No, I am saying that you should
186
00:06:36,197 --> 00:06:38,140
lick your wounds and move on.
187
00:06:38,141 --> 00:06:39,366
You are a pastor at a church.
188
00:06:39,367 --> 00:06:40,868
You get to perform every Sunday.
189
00:06:40,869 --> 00:06:45,296
That's true, which is why
I'm perfect for the quartet.
190
00:06:45,297 --> 00:06:46,874
[SIGHS]
191
00:06:46,875 --> 00:06:50,711
? Jingle bell, jingle bell,
jingle bell rock ?
192
00:06:50,712 --> 00:06:51,819
? Jing... ?
193
00:06:53,806 --> 00:06:55,883
See ya.
194
00:06:55,884 --> 00:06:58,309
Ugh, I lost my train of thought.
195
00:06:58,310 --> 00:07:02,239
OK, who wants to meet Derrick Etienne?
196
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:03,573
- Me.
- Yes, exactly,
197
00:07:03,574 --> 00:07:05,392
Columbus Crew legend, feet of an angel.
198
00:07:05,393 --> 00:07:06,743
This could change your life, OK?
199
00:07:06,744 --> 00:07:08,578
And all you need to do is one thing.
200
00:07:08,579 --> 00:07:11,990
Tomorrow come to the toy drive
at the town hall.
201
00:07:11,991 --> 00:07:14,401
BYOT, bring your own toy.
202
00:07:14,402 --> 00:07:15,736
Where are we supposed to get a toy?
203
00:07:15,737 --> 00:07:17,237
OK, totally fine, totally fine.
204
00:07:17,238 --> 00:07:18,422
Shrub and I are gonna handle the toys.
205
00:07:18,423 --> 00:07:20,908
Be there tomorrow. You get $5 each.
206
00:07:20,909 --> 00:07:23,076
- Kelly, we don't have...
- Yes, I have it.
207
00:07:23,077 --> 00:07:24,502
And most importantly,
208
00:07:24,503 --> 00:07:27,080
your parents are dead just for tomorrow.
209
00:07:27,081 --> 00:07:28,598
But it hurts, and you miss them.
210
00:07:28,599 --> 00:07:31,251
Dude, dude, dude,
I think I just found my dad
211
00:07:31,252 --> 00:07:34,254
or a Lloyd Mallet that is a lawyer in Ithaca
212
00:07:34,255 --> 00:07:35,439
who literally has a picture of him
213
00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:37,925
with a mallet on his website.
214
00:07:37,926 --> 00:07:39,809
Literally insane.
215
00:07:39,810 --> 00:07:42,612
Well, actually, technically,
that is a gavel.
216
00:07:42,613 --> 00:07:44,781
But that's just a mallet
that's dignified, you know?
217
00:07:44,782 --> 00:07:46,542
Just like him, my dad.
218
00:07:46,543 --> 00:07:48,711
God, that resemblance is uncanny.
219
00:07:48,712 --> 00:07:50,103
Anyway, he emailed me,
220
00:07:50,104 --> 00:07:52,622
and he says he wants to meet
for a Zoom tomorrow.
221
00:07:52,623 --> 00:07:53,957
And I just cannot tell Kelly right now,
222
00:07:53,958 --> 00:07:55,943
because, you know,
I just feel like it'd be rude,
223
00:07:55,944 --> 00:07:57,945
especially this time of year, to be like,
224
00:07:57,946 --> 00:08:00,872
"Hey, my dad is this crazy
incredible lawyer,
225
00:08:00,873 --> 00:08:02,707
"and your dad is...
226
00:08:02,708 --> 00:08:03,875
your dad."
227
00:08:03,876 --> 00:08:06,636
ALL: ? We wish you a merry Christmas ?
228
00:08:06,637 --> 00:08:08,789
? We wish you a merry Christmas ?
229
00:08:08,790 --> 00:08:10,566
? We wish you a merry Christmas ?
230
00:08:10,567 --> 00:08:12,976
? And a happy New Year ?
231
00:08:12,977 --> 00:08:16,888
? Year ?
232
00:08:16,889 --> 00:08:18,966
? And I can go low ?
233
00:08:18,967 --> 00:08:19,983
- [SIGHS]
- ? Baritone ?
234
00:08:19,984 --> 00:08:21,318
Joe, what are you doing here?
235
00:08:21,319 --> 00:08:22,803
Well, I just wanted
to give you another chance.
236
00:08:22,805 --> 00:08:24,304
I can still join the group,
no hard feelings.
237
00:08:24,305 --> 00:08:25,581
Oh, OK, well, I appreciate that,
238
00:08:25,582 --> 00:08:27,641
but we only have four costumes.
239
00:08:27,642 --> 00:08:28,992
Don't take this the wrong way, Barb,
240
00:08:28,993 --> 00:08:31,995
but how much music experience
do you actually have?
241
00:08:31,996 --> 00:08:33,313
Oh, my God, Joe!
242
00:08:33,314 --> 00:08:35,148
You cannot be part of the quartet, OK?
243
00:08:35,149 --> 00:08:36,833
It's four people, quartet.
244
00:08:36,834 --> 00:08:38,260
Backspin.
245
00:08:38,261 --> 00:08:39,744
- What are we doing?
- No, don't do this.
246
00:08:39,745 --> 00:08:41,655
- Joe, don't do that.
- Get up. Get up.
247
00:08:41,656 --> 00:08:42,727
- Don't, uh-uh.
- Get up.
248
00:08:42,729 --> 00:08:43,824
Hey.
249
00:08:43,825 --> 00:08:47,344
? I was just trying to do them a favor ?
250
00:08:47,345 --> 00:08:50,163
Barb, should we just let Joe in the group?
251
00:08:50,164 --> 00:08:51,498
He's pretty good.
252
00:08:51,499 --> 00:08:54,610
Yeah, it seems really important to him,
for some reason.
253
00:08:54,611 --> 00:08:56,111
- Well, you know what?
- [SCOFFS]
254
00:08:56,112 --> 00:08:57,687
Clearly it's not important to you,
255
00:08:57,688 --> 00:08:59,189
'cause you don't respect my decisions.
256
00:08:59,190 --> 00:09:01,432
I mean, would you rather have
Father Joe instead of me?
257
00:09:01,433 --> 00:09:02,618
Well, I think what she was saying was,
258
00:09:02,619 --> 00:09:04,269
we're just doing this for fun.
259
00:09:04,270 --> 00:09:05,287
And it will be fun. It is fun.
260
00:09:05,288 --> 00:09:06,680
Just start singing.
261
00:09:06,681 --> 00:09:09,274
We have one day! Let's go! Start singing.
262
00:09:09,275 --> 00:09:10,793
ALL: ? We wish you a merry Christmas ?
263
00:09:10,794 --> 00:09:12,443
? We wish you a merry Christmas ?
264
00:09:12,444 --> 00:09:13,778
- ? We wish... ?
- Faster, guys.
265
00:09:13,779 --> 00:09:15,372
COME ON. ALL: ? And a happy New Year ?
266
00:09:15,373 --> 00:09:16,632
? We wish you a merry Christmas ?
267
00:09:16,633 --> 00:09:17,731
? We wish you a merry Christmas ?
268
00:09:17,733 --> 00:09:19,026
Faster. Get the tempo, guys.
269
00:09:19,027 --> 00:09:21,361
- This is as fast as we can go!
- OK, you know what?
270
00:09:21,362 --> 00:09:22,638
You have to be ready for anything.
271
00:09:22,639 --> 00:09:24,622
- Go! Sing! Sing!
- Whoa! Whoa!
272
00:09:24,623 --> 00:09:25,699
Stay focused!
273
00:09:25,700 --> 00:09:27,959
Oh, oh, hell no, I am not a dog.
274
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:31,204
You take your weird emotional
issues out on somebody else.
275
00:09:31,205 --> 00:09:33,131
Well, you just have
to be ready for anything.
276
00:09:33,132 --> 00:09:35,150
You don't know what's gonna happen.
277
00:09:35,151 --> 00:09:36,877
The hell?
278
00:09:36,878 --> 00:09:39,237
OK, does anybody else want to leave?
279
00:09:40,064 --> 00:09:42,232
I'm sorry.
280
00:09:42,233 --> 00:09:44,401
What... what... hold on.
281
00:09:44,402 --> 00:09:45,735
You know you don't want to leave.
282
00:09:45,736 --> 00:09:47,237
Ugh!
283
00:09:47,238 --> 00:09:49,497
I have been reverse Caroled.
284
00:09:50,667 --> 00:09:52,392
[SUCKS TEETH]
285
00:09:52,393 --> 00:09:55,912
[BRIGHT MUSIC]
286
00:09:55,913 --> 00:09:57,414
OK, little orphans, look me in the eyes.
287
00:09:57,415 --> 00:09:59,583
OK, let's practice our reactions once again.
288
00:09:59,584 --> 00:10:01,401
You're gonna get the gift.
You're gonna open it.
289
00:10:01,402 --> 00:10:02,660
You're shocked. You're surprised.
290
00:10:02,661 --> 00:10:04,571
You've never had one of these.
You're touched.
291
00:10:04,572 --> 00:10:06,740
Maybe your eyes fill up
with tears a little, OK?
292
00:10:06,741 --> 00:10:08,742
Make this the performance of a lifetime.
293
00:10:08,743 --> 00:10:10,668
- Merry Christmas, kids.
- Mm.
294
00:10:10,669 --> 00:10:12,420
- Where are all your parents?
- I'd love to say hi.
295
00:10:12,422 --> 00:10:13,522
We don't have parents.
296
00:10:13,523 --> 00:10:15,506
- We're orphans.
- Shut it.
297
00:10:15,507 --> 00:10:17,508
Levi, I know for a fact you have parents.
298
00:10:17,509 --> 00:10:20,437
Hey, Joe-bo, can I talk
to you for a second real quick?
299
00:10:20,438 --> 00:10:22,439
- Yeah.
- This'll be quick and fun.
300
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:24,441
So I know we discussed a toy drive,
301
00:10:24,442 --> 00:10:25,942
and you loved the idea,
302
00:10:25,943 --> 00:10:27,870
and I just forgot to mention
303
00:10:27,871 --> 00:10:31,163
that we are also playing
make-believe orphans.
304
00:10:31,165 --> 00:10:32,456
And I already know what you're gonna say:
305
00:10:32,457 --> 00:10:34,291
"Who cares? It's for a good cause."
306
00:10:34,292 --> 00:10:36,052
And that's what I love about you.
307
00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:37,887
No, I would not say that.
308
00:10:37,888 --> 00:10:38,888
He's here.
309
00:10:38,889 --> 00:10:39,889
Don't embarrass me.
310
00:10:39,890 --> 00:10:41,940
Let me do the talking.
311
00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:44,568
Hey, you must be Kelly.
312
00:10:46,471 --> 00:10:48,322
Thank you for inviting me.
313
00:10:49,399 --> 00:10:51,308
- [COUGHS]
- Oh, God.
314
00:10:51,309 --> 00:10:53,477
- What's happening?
- So are these the orphans?
315
00:10:53,478 --> 00:10:54,496
Yeah, I got this.
316
00:10:54,497 --> 00:10:55,813
Uh... huh, hey... na...
317
00:10:55,814 --> 00:10:57,147
- Hey.
- Hey, hey,
318
00:10:57,148 --> 00:11:00,818
welcome to the first annual
Flatch toy drive.
319
00:11:00,819 --> 00:11:04,004
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
320
00:11:06,842 --> 00:11:10,069
Christmas is a very important time for me.
321
00:11:10,070 --> 00:11:11,904
You know, I remember performing with A-Men
322
00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:14,590
at the Christmas concert in Times Square.
323
00:11:14,591 --> 00:11:16,425
Let Derrick Etienne talk.
324
00:11:16,426 --> 00:11:17,910
Yeah.
325
00:11:17,911 --> 00:11:18,948
Whoo!
326
00:11:18,950 --> 00:11:20,688
Thank you guys for the generosity.
327
00:11:20,689 --> 00:11:22,598
Let's make sure that these brave kids
328
00:11:22,599 --> 00:11:23,841
have a special Christmas.
329
00:11:23,842 --> 00:11:25,585
Aw. What?
330
00:11:25,586 --> 00:11:27,754
That is so sweet.
331
00:11:27,755 --> 00:11:29,105
? Silent night ?
332
00:11:29,106 --> 00:11:31,424
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
333
00:11:31,425 --> 00:11:33,593
Here you go.
334
00:11:33,594 --> 00:11:35,019
? Holy night ?
335
00:11:35,020 --> 00:11:36,037
Open them!
336
00:11:36,038 --> 00:11:37,280
They're really bad at opening them
337
00:11:37,281 --> 00:11:39,189
'cause they have never had gifts before.
338
00:11:39,190 --> 00:11:41,768
? All is calm ?
339
00:11:41,769 --> 00:11:43,027
- There you go.
- Whoa!
340
00:11:43,028 --> 00:11:45,863
Vintage cell phone! All right!
341
00:11:45,864 --> 00:11:46,939
She loves to cook.
342
00:11:46,940 --> 00:11:48,198
You love to cook, right?
343
00:11:48,199 --> 00:11:50,842
'Cause someday you'll start your own family.
344
00:11:56,041 --> 00:11:57,041
Perfect. Looks great.
345
00:11:57,042 --> 00:11:59,209
Derrick, hi.
346
00:11:59,210 --> 00:12:01,120
Sorry about my mouth earlier.
347
00:12:01,121 --> 00:12:03,064
But I just think you're the coolest.
348
00:12:03,065 --> 00:12:04,732
And my dad is a huge fan too.
349
00:12:04,733 --> 00:12:05,808
Oh, yeah? Is he here.
350
00:12:05,809 --> 00:12:07,310
No? He couldn't make it.
351
00:12:07,311 --> 00:12:09,904
He's in Kentucky with his new family,
352
00:12:09,905 --> 00:12:11,297
making a turducken.
353
00:12:11,298 --> 00:12:13,057
Oh. Those things are impossible.
354
00:12:13,058 --> 00:12:15,392
I know. New families
are so hard, right? Like...
355
00:12:15,393 --> 00:12:17,637
I was talking about the turducken.
356
00:12:17,638 --> 00:12:19,581
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
357
00:12:19,582 --> 00:12:20,823
I know it too.
358
00:12:20,824 --> 00:12:22,308
Smile. Smile.
359
00:12:22,309 --> 00:12:24,143
Hey, something's wrong here.
360
00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:25,978
[GASPS] Is it a onion?
361
00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:27,980
Oh, my God.
362
00:12:27,981 --> 00:12:29,591
Thank God.
363
00:12:29,592 --> 00:12:31,984
I'm so hungry.
364
00:12:31,985 --> 00:12:34,320
OK, I don't know wh...
365
00:12:34,321 --> 00:12:37,014
Kelly, I think I know what's going on.
366
00:12:38,267 --> 00:12:41,177
This town doesn't have
enough money to buy toys.
367
00:12:41,178 --> 00:12:43,830
So I'll write a check out my own savings,
368
00:12:43,831 --> 00:12:45,939
and we'll get these orphans
some real presents.
369
00:12:48,444 --> 00:12:49,927
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
370
00:12:49,928 --> 00:12:52,505
OK, here goes nothing.
371
00:12:52,506 --> 00:12:54,449
- [LINE RINGING]
- He told me to call at 2:00,
372
00:12:54,450 --> 00:12:56,241
so here we go.
373
00:12:57,010 --> 00:12:58,769
Hey, Dad.
374
00:12:58,770 --> 00:12:59,862
It's me.
375
00:12:59,863 --> 00:13:01,864
It's Shrub... or Lloyd.
376
00:13:01,865 --> 00:13:03,699
Hello, other Lloyd.
377
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,109
Let's be brief.
378
00:13:05,110 --> 00:13:07,778
Give me your address,
and I will send you $500.
379
00:13:07,779 --> 00:13:09,021
[LAUGHING] What?
380
00:13:09,022 --> 00:13:10,873
OK. Thank you, Dad.
381
00:13:10,874 --> 00:13:13,042
In return, you will sign an agreement
382
00:13:13,043 --> 00:13:15,969
never to contact me or my family again.
383
00:13:17,288 --> 00:13:19,289
I'm sorry it has to be this way.
384
00:13:19,290 --> 00:13:21,200
But I had the one affair 17 years ago,
385
00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:22,960
and my wife still does not know about it.
386
00:13:22,961 --> 00:13:24,537
It would kill her.
387
00:13:24,538 --> 00:13:25,554
Wait.
388
00:13:25,555 --> 00:13:27,039
That guy can't be my dad.
389
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,708
Think about it. I'm not 17.
390
00:13:28,709 --> 00:13:30,726
But he was, like, super pushy
about getting my address,
391
00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:32,152
so I gave it to him.
392
00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:36,215
Back to square one, I guess.
393
00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:37,566
What's the name of the charity?
394
00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,068
Uh... you know, Derrick,
395
00:13:39,069 --> 00:13:41,220
you really do not have to do this.
396
00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:42,871
Please, I want to, for the kids.
397
00:13:44,983 --> 00:13:46,742
I have to tell you something.
398
00:13:46,743 --> 00:13:49,153
This isn't a real toy drive,
399
00:13:49,154 --> 00:13:50,897
and the kids aren't orphans.
400
00:13:50,898 --> 00:13:52,990
I paid them to be here.
401
00:13:52,991 --> 00:13:54,175
Why would you do that?
402
00:13:54,176 --> 00:13:57,069
It was wrong. I know it was wrong.
403
00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:58,846
You know, sometimes players flop, right,
404
00:13:58,847 --> 00:14:01,590
or, like, fake an injury
to get a penalty kick.
405
00:14:01,591 --> 00:14:03,242
So maybe this was my flop.
406
00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:05,428
Not all of us can be Derrick Etienne.
407
00:14:05,429 --> 00:14:07,504
Remember when you bent
that lethal curler kick
408
00:14:07,505 --> 00:14:09,339
and won the 2020 MLS Cup
409
00:14:09,340 --> 00:14:10,933
or when you scored back-to-back goals
410
00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:13,177
in an epic comeback against Chicago?
411
00:14:13,178 --> 00:14:15,087
I just think you're the GOAT. I do.
412
00:14:15,088 --> 00:14:16,772
No, you know what?
I think you're the GOAT SAM.
413
00:14:16,773 --> 00:14:20,034
I MADE THAT UP: greatest of all
time, space, and multiverse.
414
00:14:20,035 --> 00:14:23,353
And I had to flop so I could meet you.
415
00:14:23,354 --> 00:14:25,765
I'm sorry.
416
00:14:25,766 --> 00:14:27,950
Well, I appreciate the compliment.
417
00:14:27,951 --> 00:14:30,603
But I was actually trying
to help people today.
418
00:14:30,604 --> 00:14:34,941
I mean, I know you made
someone's Christmas better
419
00:14:34,942 --> 00:14:36,776
just by showing up.
420
00:14:36,777 --> 00:14:38,444
'Cause some people didn't.
421
00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:40,204
And watching you play soccer
422
00:14:40,205 --> 00:14:42,131
makes people so happy, you know?
423
00:14:42,132 --> 00:14:44,875
Like, not just orphans
but real estate moguls
424
00:14:44,876 --> 00:14:46,469
who have pontoon boats
425
00:14:46,470 --> 00:14:48,896
and miss their families on the holidays,
426
00:14:48,897 --> 00:14:50,473
just a random example.
427
00:14:50,474 --> 00:14:51,882
Hey.
428
00:14:51,883 --> 00:14:53,067
Where's the rest of the quartet?
429
00:14:53,068 --> 00:14:54,961
They quit. It's a one-tet now,
430
00:14:54,962 --> 00:14:56,220
so the performance is canceled.
431
00:14:56,221 --> 00:14:57,405
Oh, I'm sorry.
432
00:14:57,406 --> 00:14:59,315
- Oh, it's fine.
- I'm used to people bailing.
433
00:14:59,316 --> 00:15:01,984
Hashtag Burt, hashtag my wig stylist.
434
00:15:01,985 --> 00:15:03,393
Yeah, it's better to be on your own.
435
00:15:03,394 --> 00:15:05,729
That way, people can't disappoint you.
436
00:15:05,730 --> 00:15:07,139
Well, it sounds like you've got
437
00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:11,419
some good old-fashioned
holiday depression there, Barb.
438
00:15:11,420 --> 00:15:13,980
You know, but now Joe can lead the group
439
00:15:13,981 --> 00:15:15,314
and be the star.
440
00:15:15,315 --> 00:15:17,241
Oh, I don't know why he cares so much.
441
00:15:17,242 --> 00:15:19,910
I mean, yeah, when we met,
he was a teen idol.
442
00:15:19,911 --> 00:15:21,078
I was his number one fan.
443
00:15:21,079 --> 00:15:22,671
But that was so long ago, you know?
444
00:15:22,672 --> 00:15:24,264
Yeah, for one of you.
445
00:15:26,751 --> 00:15:27,918
I get it.
446
00:15:27,919 --> 00:15:30,329
It's hard to let go of the fantasy.
447
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:33,182
Are you talking about his fantasy or mine?
448
00:15:33,183 --> 00:15:34,925
That's for you to figure out, honey.
449
00:15:34,926 --> 00:15:36,836
I got enough crazy going on
in this head of mine
450
00:15:36,837 --> 00:15:37,852
as it is.
451
00:15:38,781 --> 00:15:41,072
That's why it's better that Barb fly solo.
452
00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:47,104
Oh, my God.
453
00:15:47,105 --> 00:15:48,697
Oh, my God, brilliant.
454
00:15:48,698 --> 00:15:49,791
What?
455
00:15:49,792 --> 00:15:51,208
I'm going solo.
456
00:15:52,277 --> 00:15:53,610
[SIGHS] Hi, everybody.
457
00:15:53,611 --> 00:15:56,856
Obviously there is no
Barbie-Shop Quartet today,
458
00:15:56,857 --> 00:15:58,874
but you cannot wait for other people
459
00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:00,450
to give you what you want.
460
00:16:00,451 --> 00:16:02,452
You just got to go out there and get it.
461
00:16:02,453 --> 00:16:04,305
So I am still gonna sing for you.
462
00:16:04,306 --> 00:16:05,973
[CLEARS THROAT] Just Barb.
463
00:16:05,974 --> 00:16:08,534
Whoo! I like it, just Barb.
464
00:16:08,535 --> 00:16:09,960
Go, Barb!
465
00:16:09,961 --> 00:16:12,538
? Da-da-da ?
466
00:16:12,539 --> 00:16:14,482
? Ooh, ah, ooh, ah ?
467
00:16:14,483 --> 00:16:16,317
- This is weird.
- And sad.
468
00:16:16,318 --> 00:16:20,195
? Jingle bell, jingle bell,
jingle bell rock ?
469
00:16:21,156 --> 00:16:23,049
- ? Jingle bell... ?
- Let's go.
470
00:16:23,050 --> 00:16:24,550
? Jingle... ?
471
00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:28,478
? Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring ?
472
00:16:28,479 --> 00:16:33,242
? Dancing and prancing
in Jingle Bell Square ?
473
00:16:33,243 --> 00:16:36,486
ALL: ? In the frosty air ?
474
00:16:36,487 --> 00:16:38,581
? What a bright time ?
475
00:16:38,582 --> 00:16:40,749
? It's the right time ?
476
00:16:40,750 --> 00:16:44,403
? To rock the night away ?
477
00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:49,575
? Jingle bell time is a swell time ?
478
00:16:49,576 --> 00:16:53,003
? To go riding in a one-horse sleigh ?
479
00:16:53,004 --> 00:16:57,049
? Giddy up, jingle horse,
pick up your feet ?
480
00:16:57,050 --> 00:16:58,175
? Hoo ?
481
00:16:58,176 --> 00:17:00,586
ALL: ? Jingle around the clock ?
482
00:17:00,587 --> 00:17:02,029
? Yeah ?
483
00:17:02,030 --> 00:17:05,441
ALL: ? Mix and mingle in the jingling beat ?
484
00:17:05,442 --> 00:17:06,442
? Jingle, jingle ?
485
00:17:06,443 --> 00:17:08,018
ALL: ? That's the jingle bell ?
486
00:17:08,019 --> 00:17:10,112
? That's the jingle bell ?
487
00:17:10,113 --> 00:17:12,615
? That's the jingle ?
488
00:17:12,616 --> 00:17:14,316
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
489
00:17:14,317 --> 00:17:18,120
ALL: ? We wish you a merry Christmas ?
490
00:17:18,121 --> 00:17:21,807
? and a happy New Year ?
491
00:17:21,808 --> 00:17:24,701
? Jingle bell rock ?
492
00:17:24,702 --> 00:17:26,370
[APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER]
493
00:17:26,371 --> 00:17:27,463
Thank you.
494
00:17:27,464 --> 00:17:28,555
Yeah, Barb!
495
00:17:31,952 --> 00:17:33,394
I fell for Joe when I was young.
496
00:17:33,395 --> 00:17:35,854
I thought we'd grow and change together.
497
00:17:37,457 --> 00:17:42,461
He's still the same guy I fell
in love with on that stage.
498
00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:44,296
[SIGHS]
499
00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:46,406
I think maybe I've changed.
500
00:17:49,136 --> 00:17:51,971
I'm not that girl anymore.
501
00:17:51,972 --> 00:17:53,139
Look, I know we have to go,
502
00:17:53,140 --> 00:17:54,365
but can you give me, like, ten minutes
503
00:17:54,366 --> 00:17:55,808
to see if we have an encore in us?
504
00:17:55,809 --> 00:17:58,452
Joe, I am going to my appointment alone.
505
00:17:58,453 --> 00:17:59,502
What? Why?
506
00:18:01,164 --> 00:18:02,648
Let's talk about it later.
507
00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:04,049
No, let's talk about it now.
508
00:18:04,909 --> 00:18:07,503
I can't do this with you,
509
00:18:07,504 --> 00:18:08,578
any of this.
510
00:18:08,579 --> 00:18:09,764
I've been trying.
511
00:18:09,765 --> 00:18:11,323
I really have.
512
00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:13,267
But I just can't get there.
513
00:18:13,268 --> 00:18:17,346
I don't feel the way I used to,
and that is not fair to you.
514
00:18:17,347 --> 00:18:20,942
You, you are going to be
an amazing dad someday
515
00:18:20,943 --> 00:18:22,835
to little Jasper and Melinda.
516
00:18:22,836 --> 00:18:23,945
Matilda.
517
00:18:23,946 --> 00:18:26,988
But that is your future, not mine.
518
00:18:27,950 --> 00:18:30,785
- Cheryl.
- I can't be late, Joe.
519
00:18:30,786 --> 00:18:32,953
I'm very sorry.
520
00:18:37,942 --> 00:18:41,687
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN AND SHUT]
521
00:18:41,688 --> 00:18:43,647
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
522
00:18:43,648 --> 00:18:45,340
No interviews right now.
523
00:18:51,622 --> 00:18:52,881
I think we should make this
524
00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:54,187
a regular thing
with, like, weekly rehearsals.
525
00:18:54,189 --> 00:18:56,245
Well, how do I know you guys
aren't gonna bail on me again?
526
00:18:56,247 --> 00:18:58,312
- We didn't bail on you.
- You pushed us away.
527
00:18:58,313 --> 00:19:00,297
You're not allowed to push
people away in Flatch
528
00:19:00,298 --> 00:19:03,007
or hurl ornaments at their perfect noses.
529
00:19:03,009 --> 00:19:04,451
Yeah, we'll always be here.
530
00:19:04,452 --> 00:19:07,346
Standing outside your window,
watching you drink boxed wine.
531
00:19:07,347 --> 00:19:09,439
Well, that's really creepy.
532
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,850
- Yeah.
- But thank you.
533
00:19:11,851 --> 00:19:13,418
It's very sweet. Come here.
534
00:19:14,537 --> 00:19:16,463
So Derrick and I thought of a new way
535
00:19:16,464 --> 00:19:18,040
that we can still help out charity.
536
00:19:18,041 --> 00:19:21,209
Basically he's gonna autograph
all the junk we wrapped,
537
00:19:21,210 --> 00:19:23,211
and we're gonna
auction it off to raise money
538
00:19:23,212 --> 00:19:25,806
for a local food kitchen.
539
00:19:25,807 --> 00:19:28,291
Guess how much this went for.
540
00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:31,178
$41. [LAUGHS]
541
00:19:31,179 --> 00:19:33,797
3, 2, 1!
542
00:19:33,798 --> 00:19:35,541
[ALL SHOUTING]
543
00:19:35,542 --> 00:19:38,301
Also, Derrick stayed to
shoot penalty kicks with us.
544
00:19:38,302 --> 00:19:40,136
Told you he was GOAT SAM.
545
00:19:40,137 --> 00:19:41,730
OK, go, go, go, go, go.
546
00:19:41,731 --> 00:19:42,881
Ugh!
547
00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:44,232
Did you see that?
548
00:19:44,233 --> 00:19:45,463
Shrub got that all on film, OK?
549
00:19:45,465 --> 00:19:46,987
I mean, this is gonna blow up
on the internet, dude.
550
00:19:46,989 --> 00:19:48,144
- Yes.
- And I don't know.
551
00:19:48,145 --> 00:19:49,721
Derrick's kick might have left a mark.
552
00:19:49,722 --> 00:19:50,814
Oh, yeah.
553
00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:51,890
[LAUGHS]
554
00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:52,908
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
555
00:19:52,909 --> 00:19:55,335
Hey. How you feeling?
556
00:19:56,171 --> 00:19:58,379
Lighter.
557
00:19:59,990 --> 00:20:03,551
Turns out, doing things solo
doesn't mean being alone.
558
00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:08,256
I got ya.
559
00:20:08,257 --> 00:20:12,001
["DECK THE HALLS"]
560
00:20:12,002 --> 00:20:16,673
? ?
561
00:20:16,674 --> 00:20:17,841
[SMOOCHES]
562
00:20:17,842 --> 00:20:20,252
Nan got us a really amazing gift basket.
563
00:20:20,253 --> 00:20:22,771
She got us tequila and a Santa pi�ata.
564
00:20:22,772 --> 00:20:25,181
But it seems that it
got smashed in the mail.
565
00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:27,201
But that's actually kind of good,
566
00:20:27,202 --> 00:20:28,685
'cause that's where it was headed anyway.
567
00:20:28,686 --> 00:20:30,520
Honestly, I feel like this is gonna be
568
00:20:30,521 --> 00:20:32,097
my favorite Christmas,
just 'cause we got to make
569
00:20:32,098 --> 00:20:33,207
- a bunch of new traditions.
- Mm.
570
00:20:33,208 --> 00:20:34,253
- Right?
- Uh-huh.
571
00:20:34,255 --> 00:20:35,267
Oh, my God.
572
00:20:35,268 --> 00:20:36,543
- Derrick reposted my video.
- What?
573
00:20:36,544 --> 00:20:38,120
- Yeah.
- I didn't know that.
574
00:20:38,121 --> 00:20:40,288
I know. I got, like, 38 new follows.
575
00:20:40,289 --> 00:20:42,774
Mostly bots, but there's this one guy Kevin.
576
00:20:42,775 --> 00:20:46,220
He keeps messaging me,
so it could be something.
577
00:20:46,221 --> 00:20:50,115
Hey, feliz Navidad, Nan.
578
00:20:50,116 --> 00:20:53,243
Thanks for the gift. That was really sweet.
579
00:20:53,244 --> 00:20:56,788
Well, we threw a toy drive, and then...
580
00:20:56,789 --> 00:20:59,900
Well, I was kind of looking
for my dad this week.
581
00:20:59,901 --> 00:21:04,296
No, dad, D-A-D. Yeah.
582
00:21:04,297 --> 00:21:07,408
But I couldn't find him, so does it matter.
583
00:21:07,409 --> 00:21:09,651
? Tried to forget ?
584
00:21:09,652 --> 00:21:11,578
? 'Cause it's Christmastime ?
585
00:21:11,579 --> 00:21:13,472
What?
586
00:21:13,473 --> 00:21:15,140
Nan says that if I'm looking for Dad
587
00:21:15,141 --> 00:21:16,250
to look in the basement.
588
00:21:16,251 --> 00:21:18,234
But not like, you know, his physical body.
589
00:21:18,235 --> 00:21:19,493
That would be terrifying.
590
00:21:20,404 --> 00:21:22,739
[CHUCKLES] Dude, that's why
I couldn't find him.
591
00:21:22,740 --> 00:21:23,757
He changed his name
592
00:21:23,758 --> 00:21:25,817
to Lloyd Bush.
593
00:21:25,818 --> 00:21:27,502
That's a pretty incredible
Christmas present.
594
00:21:27,503 --> 00:21:31,581
Oh, also, my fake dad sent me 500 bucks.
595
00:21:31,582 --> 00:21:33,675
- Boo-yah!
- ? Yeah, yeah ?
596
00:21:33,676 --> 00:21:35,327
? The time is now ?
597
00:21:35,328 --> 00:21:40,314
? Because it's Christmas ?
598
00:21:40,364 --> 00:21:44,914
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