Original subtitles

["DECK THE HALLS"]

? ?

So this year, we're cute little Christmas orphans.

My dad decided to close down the Christmas tree farm early,

you know, and he's spending Christmas

with Jessie and her family.

And ever since the divorce, my mom is the Grinch.

- [CHUCKLES] - Yeah, and my nan

is livin' la vida loco down in Mexico.

And we get to make new traditions, like, for example,

the Great Christmas Sleep-in.

The goal is basically to sleep through the whole thing.

But this year, I'm actually going to bravely

- hand my win over to Shrub... - Yeah!

Because at 3:00 p.m.,

Columbus Crew has an exhibition game.

I'm really excited.

- Columbus Crew for life! - Oh!

- Ugh! - [BALL CRASHES]

- Ooh. - Goal!

? ?

? Deck the halls with boughs of holly ?

? Deck the halls with boughs of holly ?

? Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ?

Ah, yay!

Exciting. OK, look.

I'll see you at the auditions tomorrow.

- OK. - Barbie-Shop Quartet.

So last Christmas, I was kicked out

of the Pompano Christmas Caroles.

That's Caroles with an E-S because two of the women

in the group were named Carole.

They claimed I was pitchy.

But I think they were just jealous.

- [HUMMING] - Flatch is my chance

to start over in every way.

So I'm creating my own caroling group,

the Barbie-Shop Quartet.

[LAUGHS] Oh, who's caroling now,

Carole and Carole, hmm?

So we're actually getting ourselves

the best present ever:

our all-time favorite Columbus Crew player.

Derrick Etienne, Jr...

- [AIR HORN PLAYING ON PHONE] - [MIMICKING AIR HORN]

Is maybe coming to Flatch.

So basically, he was supposed to do an appearance

tomorrow in Brighton at a toy drive, OK?

But there's a snowstorm, a really, really bad one.

Show 'em the tweet. Or the...

- Facebook, Facebook. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

"Sorry Brighton!

"All flights are grounded.

- "Keep on kicking!" - Kicking.

[LAUGHS]

Like, kicking, but also, like, kicking.

Soccer pun. I mean, he's hilarious.

- Genius. - But anyway,

so I slid into his DMs, sexy style...

Kidding... and I was just sort of like, "Hey,

you should come to the toy drive in Flatch instead."

And then, you know, I told him Flatch has a bunch of orphans,

and I sent documentation.

OK, less Piglet, more Eeyore, you know what I mean?

Sadder, sadder. Look, like this.

[ALL MOANING]

You're... no, next.

And the truth is, we do have orphans, OK?

- Shrub. - Um...

You are. Nan and your mom, where are they?

Nowhere to be found.

Dad, no one knows him, OK?

So you're like little Tiny Tim...

- No. - Except Tiny Little Shrub.

No... well, my dad is, like, somewhere,

so it's not like I'm, like, an actual orphan.

No, the point is, anyone can be an orphan

under the right circumstances.

Ugh, this egg retrieval cannot come soon enough.

I'm so swollen, even my nap dresses are tight.

You're still driving me to my appointment, right?

I didn't forget.

And neither did our children,

Jasper and Matilda.

Oh, my God, what are those?

I found this website where you can upload a photo

and it generates images of your kids.

One's a boy, and one's a girl, just not the ones you think.

Well, what photo of mine did you use?

I used the one of us at the A-Men meet and greet

at the Mall of America.

Well, Joe, that photo should be burned.

Look at my hair.

Look at mine, with frosted tips.

It was at its peak, just like my career at the time.

Welcome to the auditions

for Flatch's very own Barbie-Shop Quartet.

- Barb. - Yeah?

How do we want to do this?

Want me just to wait over here while you choose

the other two singers, or...

Eh, what?

- No, I'm teasing, teasing. - Oh, OK.

Although I was a professional singer for money.

Right. Here we go. And...

[PLAYS NOTE]

ALL: ? Joy to the world ?

? The Lord has come ?

? Let Earth receive her king ?

? Let every heart prepare him room ?

? And heaven and nature sing ?

? And heaven and nature sing ?

? And heaven, heaven and nature sing. ?

- [VOCALIZING] - Wow!

You guys, the pipes on you.

But three of you, oh, really jingled my bells.

Mandy. Nadine.

[LAUGHS]

- Dylan. - Wh...

Congratulations, welcome to the quartet.

I'm confused.

Was I off-key?

No, it's just... you were good.

They were better.

I'm sorry, but no, Joe and June.

- [GASPS] - Thank you for coming, though.

Appreciate it.

[MOANS]

Bye.

Hmm.

I know Kelly is, like, super into us

being Christmas orphans,

but turns out, I am not actually a Tiny Tim.

I've been doing some cyber-sleuthing on le Google,

being all Sherlock Homey.

Anyway, big news:

apparently, there are 23 Mallet men

within a 500-mile radius.

21 of those were assigned male at birth.

And of those 21, 13 match the age range of my dad.

So orphan that.

Not so tiny now, am I?

No. No way.

- What? - No way.

No, Kelly, no.

Derrick freaking Etienne is coming to Flatch.

Oh, my God, dude, that's a blue check.

Oh, my God, that's really him.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

We have to throw a toy drive by tomorrow.

Barb, missed you.

So I can't work today.

Sorry ahead of time. It'll never happen again.

But I'm throwing a spontaneous toy drive.

- [GASPS] - And, you know,

unrelated, I was wondering if you...

You know, you're a giving gal...

If you want to give any of these toys to me...

- Oh. - Just for a donation.

Mm-kay. You know what?

A toy drive is a great idea, Kel.

It's exactly the kind of positive PR

we need to bring in the Butter Bus Museum

and just happens to be the perfect time to debut

the Barbie-Shop Quartet.

Yeah, we'll talk about that later.

I just really hope I can get it done in a day, you know?

- I'm kind of nervous. - Look at me.

What kind of melon do you want to be,

a "can't-aloupe" or a "honey-do"?

Yeah, you're gonna figure this out.

[SIGHS]

I just don't get it.

How can the winner of a Daytime Grammy

not make it into the quartet?

Joe, I really need to finish writing this article.

Should I appeal the decision,

have Carson Daly vouch for me?

You know, you'd be surprised how much pull he still has.

You know, it sounds exactly like when you tried

to get A-Men back together.

Look how that turned out.

Yeah, you're right.

So you're saying I should start my own caroling group.

No, I am saying that you should

lick your wounds and move on.

You are a pastor at a church.

You get to perform every Sunday.

That's true, which is why I'm perfect for the quartet.

[SIGHS]

? Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock ?

? Jing... ?

See ya.

Ugh, I lost my train of thought.

OK, who wants to meet Derrick Etienne?

- Me. - Yes, exactly,

Columbus Crew legend, feet of an angel.

This could change your life, OK?

And all you need to do is one thing.

Tomorrow come to the toy drive at the town hall.

BYOT, bring your own toy.

Where are we supposed to get a toy?

OK, totally fine, totally fine.

Shrub and I are gonna handle the toys.

Be there tomorrow. You get $5 each.

- Kelly, we don't have... - Yes, I have it.

And most importantly,

your parents are dead just for tomorrow.

But it hurts, and you miss them.

Dude, dude, dude, I think I just found my dad

or a Lloyd Mallet that is a lawyer in Ithaca

who literally has a picture of him

with a mallet on his website.

Literally insane.

Well, actually, technically, that is a gavel.

But that's just a mallet that's dignified, you know?

Just like him, my dad.

God, that resemblance is uncanny.

Anyway, he emailed me,

and he says he wants to meet for a Zoom tomorrow.

And I just cannot tell Kelly right now,

because, you know, I just feel like it'd be rude,

especially this time of year, to be like,

"Hey, my dad is this crazy incredible lawyer,

"and your dad is...

your dad."

ALL: ? We wish you a merry Christmas ?

? We wish you a merry Christmas ?

? We wish you a merry Christmas ?

? And a happy New Year ?

? Year ?

? And I can go low ?

- [SIGHS] - ? Baritone ?

Joe, what are you doing here?

Well, I just wanted to give you another chance.

I can still join the group, no hard feelings.

Oh, OK, well, I appreciate that,

but we only have four costumes.

Don't take this the wrong way, Barb,

but how much music experience do you actually have?

Oh, my God, Joe!

You cannot be part of the quartet, OK?

It's four people, quartet.

Backspin.

- What are we doing? - No, don't do this.

- Joe, don't do that. - Get up. Get up.

- Don't, uh-uh. - Get up.

Hey.

? I was just trying to do them a favor ?

Barb, should we just let Joe in the group?

He's pretty good.

Yeah, it seems really important to him, for some reason.

- Well, you know what? - [SCOFFS]

Clearly it's not important to you,

'cause you don't respect my decisions.

I mean, would you rather have Father Joe instead of me?

Well, I think what she was saying was,

we're just doing this for fun.

And it will be fun. It is fun.

Just start singing.

We have one day! Let's go! Start singing.

ALL: ? We wish you a merry Christmas ?

? We wish you a merry Christmas ?

- ? We wish... ? - Faster, guys.

COME ON. ALL: ? And a happy New Year ?

? We wish you a merry Christmas ?

? We wish you a merry Christmas ?

Faster. Get the tempo, guys.

- This is as fast as we can go! - OK, you know what?

You have to be ready for anything.

- Go! Sing! Sing! - Whoa! Whoa!

Stay focused!

Oh, oh, hell no, I am not a dog.

You take your weird emotional issues out on somebody else.

Well, you just have to be ready for anything.

You don't know what's gonna happen.

The hell?

OK, does anybody else want to leave?

I'm sorry.

What... what... hold on.

You know you don't want to leave.

Ugh!

I have been reverse Caroled.

[SUCKS TEETH]

[BRIGHT MUSIC]

OK, little orphans, look me in the eyes.

OK, let's practice our reactions once again.

You're gonna get the gift. You're gonna open it.

You're shocked. You're surprised.

You've never had one of these. You're touched.

Maybe your eyes fill up with tears a little, OK?

Make this the performance of a lifetime.

- Merry Christmas, kids. - Mm.

- Where are all your parents? - I'd love to say hi.

We don't have parents.

- We're orphans. - Shut it.

Levi, I know for a fact you have parents.

Hey, Joe-bo, can I talk to you for a second real quick?

- Yeah. - This'll be quick and fun.

So I know we discussed a toy drive,

and you loved the idea,

and I just forgot to mention

that we are also playing make-believe orphans.

And I already know what you're gonna say:

"Who cares? It's for a good cause."

And that's what I love about you.

No, I would not say that.

He's here.

Don't embarrass me.

Let me do the talking.

Hey, you must be Kelly.

Thank you for inviting me.

- [COUGHS] - Oh, God.

- What's happening? - So are these the orphans?

Yeah, I got this.

Uh... huh, hey... na...

- Hey. - Hey, hey,

welcome to the first annual Flatch toy drive.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Christmas is a very important time for me.

You know, I remember performing with A-Men

at the Christmas concert in Times Square.

Let Derrick Etienne talk.

Yeah.

Whoo!

Thank you guys for the generosity.

Let's make sure that these brave kids

have a special Christmas.

Aw. What?

That is so sweet.

? Silent night ?

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Here you go.

? Holy night ?

Open them!

They're really bad at opening them

'cause they have never had gifts before.

? All is calm ?

- There you go. - Whoa!

Vintage cell phone! All right!

She loves to cook.

You love to cook, right?

'Cause someday you'll start your own family.

Perfect. Looks great.

Derrick, hi.

Sorry about my mouth earlier.

But I just think you're the coolest.

And my dad is a huge fan too.

Oh, yeah? Is he here.

No? He couldn't make it.

He's in Kentucky with his new family,

making a turducken.

Oh. Those things are impossible.

I know. New families are so hard, right? Like...

I was talking about the turducken.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know it too.

Smile. Smile.

Hey, something's wrong here.

[GASPS] Is it a onion?

Oh, my God.

Thank God.

I'm so hungry.

OK, I don't know wh...

Kelly, I think I know what's going on.

This town doesn't have enough money to buy toys.

So I'll write a check out my own savings,

and we'll get these orphans some real presents.

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

OK, here goes nothing.

- [LINE RINGING] - He told me to call at 2:00,

so here we go.

Hey, Dad.

It's me.

It's Shrub... or Lloyd.

Hello, other Lloyd.

Let's be brief.

Give me your address, and I will send you $500.

[LAUGHING] What?

OK. Thank you, Dad.

In return, you will sign an agreement

never to contact me or my family again.

I'm sorry it has to be this way.

But I had the one affair 17 years ago,

and my wife still does not know about it.

It would kill her.

Wait.

That guy can't be my dad.

Think about it. I'm not 17.

But he was, like, super pushy about getting my address,

so I gave it to him.

Back to square one, I guess.

What's the name of the charity?

Uh... you know, Derrick,

you really do not have to do this.

Please, I want to, for the kids.

I have to tell you something.

This isn't a real toy drive,

and the kids aren't orphans.

I paid them to be here.

Why would you do that?

It was wrong. I know it was wrong.

You know, sometimes players flop, right,

or, like, fake an injury to get a penalty kick.

So maybe this was my flop.

Not all of us can be Derrick Etienne.

Remember when you bent that lethal curler kick

and won the 2020 MLS Cup

or when you scored back-to-back goals

in an epic comeback against Chicago?

I just think you're the GOAT. I do.

No, you know what? I think you're the GOAT SAM.

I MADE THAT UP: greatest of all time, space, and multiverse.

And I had to flop so I could meet you.

I'm sorry.

Well, I appreciate the compliment.

But I was actually trying to help people today.

I mean, I know you made someone's Christmas better

just by showing up.

'Cause some people didn't.

And watching you play soccer

makes people so happy, you know?

Like, not just orphans but real estate moguls

who have pontoon boats

and miss their families on the holidays,

just a random example.

Hey.

Where's the rest of the quartet?

They quit. It's a one-tet now,

so the performance is canceled.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- Oh, it's fine. - I'm used to people bailing.

Hashtag Burt, hashtag my wig stylist.

Yeah, it's better to be on your own.

That way, people can't disappoint you.

Well, it sounds like you've got

some good old-fashioned holiday depression there, Barb.

You know, but now Joe can lead the group

and be the star.

Oh, I don't know why he cares so much.

I mean, yeah, when we met, he was a teen idol.

I was his number one fan.

But that was so long ago, you know?

Yeah, for one of you.

I get it.

It's hard to let go of the fantasy.

Are you talking about his fantasy or mine?

That's for you to figure out, honey.

I got enough crazy going on in this head of mine

as it is.

That's why it's better that Barb fly solo.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, brilliant.

What?

I'm going solo.

[SIGHS] Hi, everybody.

Obviously there is no Barbie-Shop Quartet today,

but you cannot wait for other people

to give you what you want.

You just got to go out there and get it.

So I am still gonna sing for you.

[CLEARS THROAT] Just Barb.

Whoo! I like it, just Barb.

Go, Barb!

? Da-da-da ?

? Ooh, ah, ooh, ah ?

- This is weird. - And sad.

? Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock ?

- ? Jingle bell... ? - Let's go.

? Jingle... ?

? Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring ?

? Dancing and prancing in Jingle Bell Square ?

ALL: ? In the frosty air ?

? What a bright time ?

? It's the right time ?

? To rock the night away ?

? Jingle bell time is a swell time ?

? To go riding in a one-horse sleigh ?

? Giddy up, jingle horse, pick up your feet ?

? Hoo ?

ALL: ? Jingle around the clock ?

? Yeah ?

ALL: ? Mix and mingle in the jingling beat ?

? Jingle, jingle ?

ALL: ? That's the jingle bell ?

? That's the jingle bell ?

? That's the jingle ?

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

ALL: ? We wish you a merry Christmas ?

? and a happy New Year ?

? Jingle bell rock ?

[APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER]

Thank you.

Yeah, Barb!

I fell for Joe when I was young.

I thought we'd grow and change together.

He's still the same guy I fell in love with on that stage.

[SIGHS]

I think maybe I've changed.

I'm not that girl anymore.

Look, I know we have to go,

but can you give me, like, ten minutes

to see if we have an encore in us?

Joe, I am going to my appointment alone.

What? Why?

Let's talk about it later.

No, let's talk about it now.

I can't do this with you,

any of this.

I've been trying.

I really have.

But I just can't get there.

I don't feel the way I used to, and that is not fair to you.

You, you are going to be an amazing dad someday

to little Jasper and Melinda.

Matilda.

But that is your future, not mine.

- Cheryl. - I can't be late, Joe.

I'm very sorry.

[DOOR CLICKS OPEN AND SHUT]

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

No interviews right now.

I think we should make this

a regular thing with, like, weekly rehearsals.

Well, how do I know you guys aren't gonna bail on me again?

- We didn't bail on you. - You pushed us away.

You're not allowed to push people away in Flatch

or hurl ornaments at their perfect noses.

Yeah, we'll always be here.

Standing outside your window, watching you drink boxed wine.

Well, that's really creepy.

- Yeah. - But thank you.

It's very sweet. Come here.

So Derrick and I thought of a new way

that we can still help out charity.

Basically he's gonna autograph all the junk we wrapped,

and we're gonna auction it off to raise money

for a local food kitchen.

Guess how much this went for.

$41. [LAUGHS]

3, 2, 1!

[ALL SHOUTING]

Also, Derrick stayed to shoot penalty kicks with us.

Told you he was GOAT SAM.

OK, go, go, go, go, go.

Ugh!

Did you see that?

Shrub got that all on film, OK?

I mean, this is gonna blow up on the internet, dude.

- Yes. - And I don't know.

Derrick's kick might have left a mark.

Oh, yeah.

[LAUGHS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Hey. How you feeling?

Lighter.

Turns out, doing things solo doesn't mean being alone.

I got ya.

["DECK THE HALLS"]

? ?

[SMOOCHES]

Nan got us a really amazing gift basket.

She got us tequila and a Santa pi�ata.

But it seems that it got smashed in the mail.

But that's actually kind of good,

'cause that's where it was headed anyway.

Honestly, I feel like this is gonna be

my favorite Christmas, just 'cause we got to make

- a bunch of new traditions. - Mm.

- Right? - Uh-huh.

Oh, my God.

- Derrick reposted my video. - What?

- Yeah. - I didn't know that.

I know. I got, like, 38 new follows.

Mostly bots, but there's this one guy Kevin.

He keeps messaging me, so it could be something.

Hey, feliz Navidad, Nan.

Thanks for the gift. That was really sweet.

Well, we threw a toy drive, and then...

Well, I was kind of looking for my dad this week.

No, dad, D-A-D. Yeah.

But I couldn't find him, so does it matter.

? Tried to forget ?

? 'Cause it's Christmastime ?

What?

Nan says that if I'm looking for Dad

to look in the basement.

But not like, you know, his physical body.

That would be terrifying.

[CHUCKLES] Dude, that's why I couldn't find him.

He changed his name

to Lloyd Bush.

That's a pretty incredible Christmas present.

Oh, also, my fake dad sent me 500 bucks.

- Boo-yah! - ? Yeah, yeah ?

? The time is now ?

? Because it's Christmas ?

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