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1
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CONNOR: Ah, it's breaking my back!
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00:00:02,240 --> 00:00:04,360
Here. Take that through, son.
3
00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:06,000
SIGHS
4
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:08,280
Have a lifetime of arthritis,
won't we?
5
00:00:08,320 --> 00:00:10,960
Looks like we've got
the place to ourselves for once.
6
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,440
Aw! Were you hoping
for a catch-up with the girls?
7
00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:16,240
No. Stuart, think about it.
I am.
8
00:00:17,640 --> 00:00:19,320
When do we ever get time alone?
9
00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:22,480
Once Connor's done his bits,
we could ask our Ciaron.
10
00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:27,000
Well... we could bribe our Ciaron
to come and get him, and then...
11
00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:29,760
You can say goodbye to the place
in peace.
12
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,320
No.
13
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:33,520
Stuart, no.
14
00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:36,800
YVETTE: Hiya!
What are you doing here?
15
00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:40,600
Oh, nice to see you, too (!)
And why are you so dolled up?
16
00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:42,880
I-I'm... I'm just gonna, er...
17
00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:44,520
CONNOR AND STUART
CHATTER
18
00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:46,520
I hope you haven't got Austin
up there with you.
19
00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:50,480
Nicole, I've told you, I don't want
Ursula to find out about that.
20
00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:51,960
What, the two people closest to her,
21
00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:54,000
her sister and her husband,
going behind her back?
22
00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:55,800
Hmm, three. You kept it to yourself,
23
00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:58,040
and if you snitch now,
our Ursh will never forgive you.
24
00:00:58,080 --> 00:00:59,840
Don't push it.
25
00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:28,600
Our Raymond's been on.
Ooh, how is my favourite nephew?
26
00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:31,320
Thanks, Dad (!)
You're my son.
27
00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:34,240
Oh, yeah. Hi, Auntie Vetty.
Mwah. Yeah, he's fine.
28
00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:35,880
He's on a layover
in Chongqing Jiangbei,
29
00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:38,320
but he was asking about the hat
Mum wore to Gaynor's wedding.
30
00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:40,280
Does he want you to wear it
when he marries Marco?
31
00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:42,600
No. One of his stewards
is auditioning for Drag Race.
32
00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:45,040
He thought it might get a big laugh.
What about you lot?
33
00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:48,200
Oh, God, you're not clearing
the place, are you, for the sale?
34
00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:51,880
Because once I've tracked down
that hat, I've got to do things.
35
00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:52,960
Not today, no.
36
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:55,680
I don't even think the buyers
have put theirs on the market yet.
37
00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:57,080
I could stay for a coffee.
38
00:01:57,120 --> 00:02:00,240
Oh, Connor's art homework
is to make a collage
39
00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:02,160
on the subject of "My Hero".
40
00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:04,760
And guess who he's chosen?
Y-You?
41
00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:07,200
You would think, but no.
42
00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:09,280
His grandad.
Oh, Con!
43
00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:11,800
Oh, that's...
I know.
44
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:14,760
So we're just gonna dig out a few
photos and stuff before we sort.
45
00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:16,800
Make sure they aren't
from Raymond's 21st, eh?
46
00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:19,040
The fancy dress?
Oof...
47
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:21,000
What was Dad thinking?
We'll never know.
48
00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:23,160
Although, your mum did look
super glam as Eva Braun.
49
00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:25,520
WHISPERS: She did.
WHISPERS: Didn't she just?
50
00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:30,760
Right! Come on. Let's see what
we can find... and actually use.
51
00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:33,240
Aw! Isn't that sweet of Con?
52
00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:37,720
Sweet works when you're little.
53
00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:39,400
Is it really what you want
when you're 12?
54
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,600
He's being picked on
by the other lads at school.
55
00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:45,240
The little sods!
What are they calling him?
56
00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:48,400
Well, I'm guessing "nerdy",
"boring", "knobhead".
57
00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:51,200
When I think back to my school days
and all the bullying...
58
00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:52,360
SIGHS
59
00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:54,560
..it was kids like Connor
that we saw as easy pickings.
60
00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:59,120
So... not that he really should
start wearing deodorant?
61
00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:01,440
It won't help.
62
00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:02,760
Oh, God, and all the other lads
63
00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:05,200
will have picked Thor
and Paddy the Baddy,
64
00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:07,960
and there's our Connor getting
all weepy over his dead grandad.
65
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:12,320
If I find the right moment,
I'll have a word.
66
00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:16,360
Oh, Christ, no, I wasn't angling.
67
00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:18,120
GAYNOR: Are you there, Nic?
SIGHS
68
00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:19,880
Gaynor, we're supposed to be
69
00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:21,800
clearing the place,
not adding to it.
70
00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:24,400
We've been driven from our home.
What is it this time?
71
00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:27,760
A fucking big seagull's
set up shop in our back yard.
72
00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:29,440
She's only gone
and had the babies there.
73
00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:32,040
If we so much as open the back door,
she goes mental.
74
00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:34,240
Er, you can't say "mental"
these days. It's ableist.
75
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,160
She's a seagull! She won't know!
76
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:38,720
Well, one of Raymond's stewards
is facing a tribunal.
77
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:40,760
Mind, that was on the flight
to Lourdes, so...
78
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:43,360
Why can't you just tell her to shoo?
79
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,840
Cos she's massive!
Like a ptero-fucking-dactyl!
80
00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:48,000
Yeah, if I go outside
for a cheeky vape...
81
00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:50,480
Boomf! Divebombs. It's like
something out of Hitchcock.
82
00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:51,960
Rear Window?
83
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,880
No, mind,
but it is in the back yard.
84
00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:55,400
Can't even bring the washing in.
85
00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:57,840
Half me bras and all Greg's boxies
are still out on the line.
86
00:03:57,880 --> 00:03:59,280
Yeah, I'm going commando here!
87
00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:01,200
Don't wanna provide a moving target,
Gregory.
88
00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:02,760
Behave, you.
89
00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:05,600
You can't just permanently migrate
back here. We've agreed to sell.
90
00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:07,520
No, we're not.
We're going to my ma's and da's
91
00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:09,040
once they get back from Laser Quest.
92
00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:10,440
How are Wendy and Glenn?
93
00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:13,480
I don't mean to gloat,
but they're absolutely thriving.
94
00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:14,720
As soon as they're back,
95
00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:17,720
we're gonna go borrow their dog
and set it on that seagull.
96
00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:19,880
You can't do that.
This is what I said.
97
00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:22,800
Don't be a snowflake.
Look, it's the law of the jungle.
98
00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:26,240
Or... law of the seaside.
99
00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:28,400
Your mum and dad have only got
that little schnauzer.
100
00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:30,160
A seagull could carry
that off in its beak.
101
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,120
Poor Bongo.
For all the trouble she's causing,
102
00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:34,680
me and that seagull have got
an understanding, both just mums
103
00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:36,240
trying to protect our chicks.
104
00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:38,240
Aw!
Where is Poppy?
105
00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:39,920
Oh, shit,
she's still out in the car.
106
00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:41,760
You know what? She'll be all right.
107
00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:43,800
She's got that "Explorey Dory" thing
on her iPad.
108
00:04:43,840 --> 00:04:45,520
You putting the kettle on, Nic?
109
00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:49,760
Have these got nuts in?
I've got no idea.
110
00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:50,960
Well, can you check?
111
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:53,120
Oh, for God's sake,
you've not even been diagnosed.
112
00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:55,000
It's just something
you've decided you've got
113
00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:56,720
to make yourself feel
more interesting.
114
00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:58,720
I know my own body.
Yeah, and I know mine.
115
00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:02,720
Pain in the arse in it
at the moment. "May contain trace."
116
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:05,000
I'll chance it.
Gaynor, it's a biscuit.
117
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:06,880
You're not storming an embassy.
STUART GRUNTS
118
00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:10,040
So, has Connor told you all
about his collage?
119
00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:11,200
Of Dad? Oh, yeah.
120
00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:14,320
Just try and put a bit more effort
in than with my birthday card, eh?
121
00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:15,760
Three Ps in "happy"?
122
00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:17,560
Bit tight on the kids,
123
00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:20,080
making them pore over pictures
of dead rellies all weekend.
124
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:23,560
The theme is "My Hero".
Oh, and he chose your dad?
125
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:27,440
You know what strings to pull there,
don't you, kid? Eh?
126
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:30,000
Is this to get those tickets
to Comic Con, Con?
127
00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:33,640
No. Greg, he just misses his grampy,
that's all.
128
00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:36,280
Right? If he wanted
to diddle tickets out of us,
129
00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:37,880
he would've made the collage of me.
130
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:42,080
Yeah, all right.
Who would your hero be, Greg?
131
00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:43,640
Oh, er...
Because mine would be me.
132
00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:48,400
All the setbacks I've faced,
having our Raymond so young,
133
00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:51,120
and... God, that awful perm.
134
00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,520
I've never let it dent my spirits.
135
00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:55,880
I tell you what,
these might be slowly killing me,
136
00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:57,400
but they are good dunkers.
DOOR SLAMS
137
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,720
Oh, aye-aye, here she is,
Captain Marvel.
138
00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:03,360
Once again,
you've all got together without me.
139
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:06,120
We didn't get together without you.
We all turned up at the same time.
140
00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:07,320
You always say that.
141
00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:09,840
But if I hadn't been cycling past
and spotted all your cars,
142
00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:10,920
I'd never have known.
143
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,600
Why were you cycling past when
you know the house needs clearing?
144
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:17,000
Is that why you're all here?
ALL: Yeah.
145
00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:19,000
Fine. Well, I'll stay
and pitch in, then.
146
00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:20,440
We're having coffee first.
147
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,600
Vetty, is that the hat
Mum wore to my wedding?
148
00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:24,600
Yes! You do know
she bitterly regretted it
149
00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:26,440
and blamed it
on her thyroid medication?
150
00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:29,640
Y-Yeah... Obviously,
I'm not wearing it for real.
151
00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:31,040
I'm lending it to a drag queen.
152
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:33,480
Hey, my ma borrowed her hat
off a drag queen.
153
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:36,440
Do you remember, babe?
Stunk of poppers, you know.
154
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:38,920
By the way, Gaynor,
I spotted your car.
155
00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:41,080
Haven't you forgotten something?
156
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:44,760
What? Er, to take it to the carwash
any time this year.
157
00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:46,360
It's covered in bird do.
158
00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:49,480
They're onto us! They've caught wind
of the dog plan, they're ganging up!
159
00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:51,600
Wind your neck in, babe.
160
00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:54,520
What do you think they are,
like, the feathery CIA?
161
00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:56,240
They're on the run from seafowl.
162
00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:58,640
Well, if their little girl touches
any of those droppings,
163
00:06:58,680 --> 00:06:59,680
she could go blind.
164
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:02,160
Bloody hell. Poppy!
165
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:04,920
Aw, he's such a good dad.
166
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,280
Talking of which,
167
00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:10,560
this fella's making
a collage in tribute to Reggie.
168
00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:12,400
Really? What's he after?
169
00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:14,280
Comic Con tickets.
No!
170
00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:17,680
Unless, of course... you and
Uncle Austin are feeling generous.
171
00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:19,360
No.
OK.
172
00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:21,560
We are struggling
to find things to stick on it.
173
00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:24,000
There's loads of parking tickets,
and that letter
174
00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:26,280
that he got back from Mary Berry,
but we can't use that.
175
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:27,480
The language is obscene.
176
00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:29,720
He didn't pull any punches
over her lemon drizzle,
177
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:30,800
so why should she?
178
00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:33,000
You're looking
in completely the wrong place.
179
00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:35,840
The sideboard
was never Dad's domain.
180
00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:38,120
NICOLE INHALES
181
00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:43,960
Smells of Dad.
I'm just getting soil.
182
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:46,440
That was Dad's sort of smell.
183
00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:49,040
I don't think I've ever set foot
in here before.
184
00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:51,160
Well, it was Dad's little man cave,
wasn't it?
185
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:52,800
Although,
why he kept it padlocked...
186
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:55,600
I'd be desperate for crackheads
to break in and clear the place.
187
00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:57,000
Could that still be an option?
188
00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:01,800
Ursh, you don't gossip, do you?
No, I've no interest.
189
00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:03,000
So can I ask you something?
190
00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:05,480
If it's in the legal
or financial sphere, yeah.
191
00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:07,360
Anything personal,
and I will remind you,
192
00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:10,040
you have two other sisters
and a niece.
193
00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:11,280
Poppy's four!
194
00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:13,720
Female colleagues?
A neighbour you occasionally nod at?
195
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:15,760
Oh, it's just... lately,
Stuart's lost his oomph.
196
00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:17,840
SIGHS
197
00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:19,600
Stu had an oomph?
198
00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:22,000
Oh, God, yeah.
He'd have me every which way.
199
00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:23,120
We even tried role play.
200
00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:26,320
Dirty traffic warden,
dirty Amazon delivery man,
201
00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:28,080
dirty shepherd, dirty oncologist...
202
00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:31,240
OK, I get the picture...
too much of.
203
00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:32,920
But nowadays, he's just...
SIGHS
204
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:37,120
..so considerate...
if he even bothers at all.
205
00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:39,960
Why have you chosen
to burden me with this?
206
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:41,920
I know Gaynor
has no complaints with Greg,
207
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:44,640
and Vetty's never had a man
long enough, but you and Austin...
208
00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:48,640
Oh, here we go! Listen,
I know we don't make much sense
209
00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:51,720
from the outside or...
from any other angle.
210
00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:55,120
No, I'm not saying that.
I'm saying we're the same.
211
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:56,840
We've been married donkey's years.
212
00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:59,080
Surely, at times,
his enthusiasm's waned.
213
00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:01,200
No. Why would it?
214
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,840
Oh, God, just forget about it, then.
Let's see what we can find.
215
00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:05,160
All right.
216
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,920
What about Dad's collection
of old pub towels?
217
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,840
Does it make him
seem like an alcoholic?
218
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:13,320
Makes him seem like a kleptomaniac.
219
00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:15,280
If you throw in
the beer glasses and ashtrays,
220
00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:16,760
it's no wonder The Anchor went bust.
221
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:19,360
I don't know. What's in these boxes?
NICOLE SIGHS
222
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:20,640
It'll just be full of man stuff,
223
00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:23,360
like creosote, old jump leads,
different types of batteries...
224
00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:26,840
Actually, I do need some batteries
for my... remote.
225
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:30,480
Oh, my God! Dad!
226
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:31,680
What?
CHUCKLES
227
00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:35,240
THEY GASP
Oh, good God.
228
00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:38,720
Try some of the other boxes.
Does he have any gardening gloves?
229
00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:40,680
NICOLE LAUGHS
Oh, yeah.
230
00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:43,480
"Bouncing Babes",
"Naughty Nurses"...
231
00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:44,560
Right.
232
00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:47,040
Well, at least we know why he kept
those pub towels handy, eh?
233
00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:48,200
NICOLE CHUCKLES
234
00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:52,040
Ew! Ew! Dead Dad's jizz!
235
00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:54,440
URSULA RETCHES
236
00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:06,560
You assume people have their urges,
but the volume...
237
00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:10,120
Escort, Razzle... Farmyard Fun.
238
00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:14,320
Oh, God. It's literally a shedload.
No wonder he kept it padlocked.
239
00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:17,320
And we thought he was only in here
for his nightly spliff.
240
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:21,360
The innocence of youth, eh?
God, it's funny how fashions change.
241
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:22,760
They're not wearing anything.
242
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:25,160
No, the grooming.
This one looks like ZZ Top.
243
00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:27,880
We can't tell the others about this.
244
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:30,120
It's bad enough we've had
our own illusions shattered.
245
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:31,800
You can't keep secrets in a family.
246
00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:36,040
Well, Dad did long enough.
247
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:38,280
And sometimes,
it is the kindest thing.
248
00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:40,640
I'm not gonna tell my kids
about my clubbing days,
249
00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:42,520
from what I can remember of them.
250
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:45,240
How we hot-wired that van.
That was you and Vetty.
251
00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:46,840
Ah.
252
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:50,840
The fake passports. Come on.
Oh, God, I miss it.
253
00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:52,640
Not gonna tell my kids that.
254
00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:54,600
Gaynor and Vetty
need to be protected.
255
00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:58,000
Well, then,
only leaves us one choice.
256
00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:02,760
We suffocate them.
Ha-ha (!) We bin the lot.
257
00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:06,240
Here we go! I found these for you.
258
00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:08,880
Just filter out the ones where
he's smoking or flicking the Vs.
259
00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:11,440
I've already taken out the moony.
Oh, thanks.
260
00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:14,520
But first... come sit by me a mo.
261
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:17,960
I'm doing me homework.
Eh, don't be such a swot. Come on.
262
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:23,440
Now...
263
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:27,920
you know
if you ever have any problems,
264
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:29,720
it helps to talk them through
with someone.
265
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:31,760
I do. I talk to Nana.
266
00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:34,680
Oh, Connor, I do that.
267
00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:38,800
I say, "You had all them years
with Dad, you jammy moo.
268
00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:40,440
"Can't you sort me out with a fella?
269
00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,920
"There must be some strings
in heaven you could pull.
270
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:44,160
"A lottery win would be nice."
271
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,600
Oh, not loads.
Not so much it all turns nasty.
272
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:48,920
You don't want the whole family
coming round, cap in hand.
273
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:51,200
You know, just enough for a mansion
and a sports car
274
00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:52,680
and six glam holidays a year.
275
00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:56,040
No, I mean the one
who's still alive, Dad's mum.
276
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:02,640
Your mum said some lads at school
are giving you grief.
277
00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:05,240
I do know what that's like.
278
00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:07,240
Not from lads,
I always very popular there,
279
00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:09,840
but when I was your age,
a bunch of...
280
00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:12,280
let's just call them
dirty, hard-faced scrubbers,
281
00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:13,720
used to pick on me.
282
00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:17,120
It was the usual thing,
sly digs, gobbing at me,
283
00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:18,720
setting fire to me desk.
284
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:20,080
And d'you know why?
285
00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:23,280
You can sometimes... be quite vain?
286
00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:26,840
Big-headed?
287
00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:29,280
Not everyone likes that.
288
00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:32,280
No... it was jealousy.
289
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:37,440
My skin, my hair,
my De La Soul pencil case.
290
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:40,000
And d'you know what I did?
Told Grampy to have a word?
291
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:42,840
No. I set your mum and Auntie Ursula
onto them.
292
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:44,040
No!
Mm-hm.
293
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:45,840
Your mum had
one of Grampy's cricket bats,
294
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:47,480
and Ursh got her hands
on some nunchucks.
295
00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:49,400
Mum and Auntie Ursh, all tooled up?
Yeah.
296
00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:51,920
They told these heifers,
"Go near our sister again,
297
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:55,280
"you'll be spitting out teeth
till Christmas... both ends."
298
00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:57,800
They got the message.
299
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,120
Well...
300
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,240
I'm not gonna get me mum
and auntie on them cos...
301
00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:05,440
..wouldn't help.
302
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:08,000
Mm, might make you seem
a mummy's boy.
303
00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:10,080
Well, more of.
304
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:11,920
Well, just you remember,
305
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:15,280
this family
will always have your back,
306
00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:17,120
even if we have to kneecap people.
307
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:21,920
Aw, my little Con-con! Come here.
308
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:29,000
Do you never think to wear that
Lynx box set I got you for Crimbo?
309
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:30,480
Hm?
310
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:31,600
Hm!
311
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:33,360
SEAGULLS SQUAWK
312
00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:38,360
All right, sweetie-pie,
the seagull can't get you here.
313
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:39,640
THUD ON WINDOW
314
00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:45,160
Aww. There she is!
315
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,560
WHISPERS: Little sleepy-head.
316
00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:49,280
I am. I'm buggered.
317
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:52,200
We were bingeing the Ted Bundy Tapes
till three.
318
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:55,520
I meant Poppy.
No, she's waking up, aren't you?
319
00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:56,800
Go and have a play, babe.
320
00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:59,160
Come on.
HE BABBLES
321
00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:02,360
It's a full-time job, isn't it, Stu?
322
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,720
It can be.
Yeah, all right, ta-ra.
323
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:07,760
That was me dad.
Let slip the dogs of war!
324
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:10,600
Bongo's a no-go.
They don't rate his chances.
325
00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:13,680
I'm telling you, Stu,
this is my childhood all over again.
326
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:16,720
That little fella, he just needs
someone to believe in him.
327
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:19,000
Well, you know,
I never supported the idea.
328
00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:21,560
I mean, I want that seagull gone,
but not ripped to shreds.
329
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:25,520
Do you? I mean, you keep twanging
back here like you're on elastic.
330
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,160
Well, Dad would've known
how to deal with this,
331
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,880
and he wouldn't have gone down
the violent route like you.
332
00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:33,440
Mum would, but Dad was a lover,
not a fighter.
333
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,360
Your dad would've just
took it down The Anchor
334
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:36,720
and got it absolutely bladdered.
335
00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:39,800
That was his solution to everything,
babe. Not always.
336
00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:42,280
Not when Auntie Pat had cirrhosis.
337
00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:44,200
He was a giant among men, my dad,
338
00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:46,680
and nothin'
will ever make me think otherwise.
339
00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:49,640
Ah. Ew!
340
00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:54,200
Is that the lot?
If only. Another six bin bags.
341
00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:55,560
What's all this?
342
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:57,880
You said we weren't clearing today.
I've got places to be.
343
00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:00,280
It's just rubbish from the shed,
since we were in there.
344
00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:02,680
Oh, OK. Anything Con could use
for his collage?
345
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,760
No, nothing.
No, nothing. No.
346
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:07,200
Well, too late now. I've finished.
347
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:08,680
I'm just waiting
for the glue to dry.
348
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:10,400
Jesus wept, Con,
you look like Shakira.
349
00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:11,800
Ha-ha (!)
350
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:13,960
DOORBELL RINGS
351
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,280
I wonder who that could be.
You could go and find out.
352
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:24,640
Austin?
353
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:28,360
Oh, Yvette.
354
00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:31,360
Hello.
You've got some front.
355
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:33,560
Chancing your arm
when your wife's just feet away?
356
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,200
HE SCOFFS
I said hello.
357
00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:36,840
It's the way you said it.
358
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:39,560
Yes, the recent stress
has been good to me,
359
00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:42,760
I've lost six pounds,
but try to contain yourself.
360
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:44,400
HE SIGHS
It's Ursh I've come to see.
361
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:45,880
HE CLEARS THROAT
362
00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:47,960
Mm, thought you'd get enough of her
at home.
363
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,520
Oh, so there you are.
364
00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:52,280
Were you ever planning on telling me
where you'd gone?
365
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:53,880
I saw my sisters' cars in the drive.
366
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:55,480
I wanted to see
what they were plotting.
367
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:57,400
Oh, you just swerved in, hmm?
368
00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:00,640
Didn't think to call out, "Darling"?
Oh, no, that's not you.
369
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:03,920
Or, "Mate"...
or just, "Oi, I'm diverting"?
370
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:07,240
I mean, I was halfway to Hightown
before I saw you were missing.
371
00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:09,200
Huh! Says more about you than her.
372
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:11,280
Oh, you're not helping.
373
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:14,600
Knobhead.
I thought you were roadkill.
374
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:17,320
Well, thank you
for doubting my road awareness.
375
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:19,240
It's not all about you, you know.
376
00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:20,880
It only takes
some coked-up boy racer
377
00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:23,120
or some demented pensioner
who's had enough of life,
378
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:27,040
and you're a grotesque patty
of woman, bike and Lululemon!
379
00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:28,760
I was worried, Ursula.
380
00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:32,480
Austin...
381
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:36,200
..you seriously need to man up.
382
00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:43,320
Ah, look at the state of her face.
383
00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:45,040
It's a shame
our Ciaron couldn't make it.
384
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:46,160
Read, be bothered.
385
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:48,520
I'd FaceTime Raymond,
but I think it's banned in China.
386
00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:50,800
Who let her have glue?
She can't be trusted with it.
387
00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:52,640
Like her auntie.
Ooh, shush, shush, shush.
388
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:54,800
The tissue's stuck to me now.
Oh, come here.
389
00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:57,360
Ah.
390
00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:59,640
Anyway, the time has come.
391
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:01,840
I'd like to say
there's a new Banksy in our midst,
392
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:03,560
but I don't wanna
encourage graffiti.
393
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,240
So do you know the names
of other artists?
394
00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:06,640
Rolf Harris.
Not him.
395
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:08,920
Er, Canaletto.
Isn't that a pasta?
396
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:11,160
No.
Well, you get the gist.
397
00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:13,480
So, we hereby present
398
00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:16,440
a tribute in collage form
of our dearly missed father,
399
00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:19,720
erm, slash stepfather,
slash grandfather,
400
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:22,600
slash father-in-law, slash...
401
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:25,200
WHISPERS: I'll take it.
Er, you all right with this, love?
402
00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:26,800
Yes.
Er...
403
00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:28,920
HE CHUCKLES
So, on the count of three, yeah?
404
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,680
TOGETHER: Three, two, one...
405
00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:33,480
Ta-da!
GREG: What?
406
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:34,520
YVETTE GASPS
Oh.
407
00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:40,640
POPPY: Boobies.
Oh, Poppy, come on.
408
00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:42,320
GAYNOR: Get her out of here, Greg.
409
00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:43,760
There's, um...
HE CLEARS THROAT
410
00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:48,200
..a sort of abstract
Kurt Schwitters quality to it.
411
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:49,880
Not abstract enough.
You can see the lot.
412
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:51,720
NICOLE: From every angle.
It's pure filth.
413
00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:53,880
Oh, God, blimey.
Connor, what the...?
414
00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:56,160
So, this is what you thought
of your poor Grampy?
415
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:59,200
I didn't put that on there.
Must've been Poppy!
416
00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:00,480
Don't keep holding it up.
417
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:04,600
Oh, sh...
Er, why is he blaming Poppy?
418
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:07,800
Where's she gonna get her hands on
stuff like that? We're online only.
419
00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:10,160
In the bin bags we fetched
from the shed.
420
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,040
Dad had a very extensive collection.
421
00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:13,800
Yeah.
God.
422
00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:14,880
Grampy did?
Mm-hm.
423
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:16,160
Of this?
Mm-hm.
424
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:17,680
And stuff he nicked from the pub.
425
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:19,800
You don't have
to keep looking at it.
426
00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:22,560
D'you think Mum knew?
Well, we can hardly check now.
427
00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:24,800
Well, if they had
a readers' wives section,
428
00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:27,080
maybe you could look back
at previous issues...
429
00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:28,800
I picked Grampy as me hero.
430
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:31,040
Bang goes your worry
he'd be bullied for being twee.
431
00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:33,000
I'm sorry we had to spoil
your memory of him, son.
432
00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,320
Well, you didn't have to.
You could've made out
433
00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:37,720
it belonged to you, and let Dad
take his secret to the grave.
434
00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:40,000
Not the grave. Mum's in there.
We're not sure if she knew.
435
00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:42,800
But we were hoping to sneak it out
to the rubbish. Hey.
436
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:46,120
They had a right to know.
He was their kinky father, too.
437
00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:52,000
Eh, I bet you Reggie would've known
how to get rid of that seagull.
438
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:54,880
He'd have just swotted it away
with his dirty jazz mags.
439
00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:58,760
Now I'm over the initial shock,
I suppose we have seen a lot worse.
440
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:00,200
Done it.
441
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,040
And they do say it does you good
to have a hobby.
442
00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:05,200
He's dead. On a brighter note,
we did clear half the shed.
443
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:08,160
Yeah.
Right, then, no harm done.
444
00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:12,080
Can't go in tomorrow, can I?
No homework. I'll get detention1
445
00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:15,200
Hey, hey, it's all right.
We'll all... pull together.
446
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:16,880
That's the wrong choice of words.
447
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:18,640
We'll pool our resources
and make a new one.
448
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:19,760
Will we?
449
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:22,760
Maybe not of your grampy though.
Why don't you try Iron Man?
450
00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:27,800
Hey, were you worried
about Poppy seeing all those mags?
451
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:30,000
No.
We don't wanna give her a complex.
452
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:34,120
It's only the human body.
I mean, plus a few... gadgets.
453
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:35,960
I think Dad
was sending us a message.
454
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,440
Yeah, clear your search history.
455
00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:42,120
No. Always find time to relax
and do the things you enjoy.
456
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:43,760
Is that a reminder you need?
457
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:46,400
Look, I'm not gonna let that seagull
stress us out.
458
00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:48,520
We just have to accept
that we live here now.
459
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:49,800
She won, and that's fine.
460
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:51,760
Yeah,
just till the sale goes through.
461
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:53,280
Actually, there's an upside to this.
462
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:54,840
You can crack on
with all the boxing up.
463
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:56,240
Whole house to be cleared.
464
00:19:57,720 --> 00:20:00,560
Gregory, has your mate Leon
still got that air rifle?
465
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:02,120
Yeah.
466
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:03,480
Right.
467
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,160
See you later, Con, lad, you scruff.
468
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:11,560
Can't believe
I've gotta do it all over again.
469
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:13,920
It was all stupid Poppy's fault.
All right, come on now.
470
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:16,800
Your little cousin idolises you.
Since when?
471
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:20,200
She might not say it...
or show it...
472
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:22,600
or even feel it.
473
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:25,560
Listen, was your Uncle Greg right?
474
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:28,080
Were you hoping that we'd be
so touched that you chose Grampy
475
00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:30,200
that we'd get you
those Comic Con tickets? Mum!
476
00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:32,320
No, cos if you were,
I admire your gumption.
477
00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:35,640
I mean, yes, it was sneaky,
conniving,
478
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:38,160
but those qualities
will get you far in life.
479
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:41,360
Might've been... part of it.
480
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,280
Good lad.
481
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:49,240
Very well, then, son,
you shall go to the Comic Con.
482
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:52,160
Really?
Yeah.
483
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:55,240
Oh, and you don't have to worry
about that collage either.
484
00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:57,960
I'll send a note into school saying
you had the splats all weekend.
485
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:02,200
Sick! Ah, nice one, Mum.
You're me real hero.
486
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:05,600
Yeah, I know that. Just don't tell
the other lads at school, all right?
487
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,520
Yes! Get in!
All binned.
488
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:12,040
Who would've thought it of Reggie,
eh?
489
00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:13,160
Although I did wonder why
490
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:15,200
whenever he said he was off
to prick his seedlings,
491
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:16,880
he'd always give me a massive wink.
492
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:18,720
Well, at least Dad stayed randy.
493
00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:21,320
Didn't all peter out into nothing
into his forties.
494
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:22,720
Is that what you think?
495
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:27,320
I've just been giving you
space to grieve.
496
00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:28,840
Well, did you not think
I might prefer
497
00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:31,040
to be really cheered up instead?
498
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,800
Right, well,
I'm gonna call our Ciaron...
499
00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:40,840
and bribe him to take Connor
to the flicks tonight. Mm.
500
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:44,360
WHISPERS: And then I'm gonna dig out
my hi-vis vest.
501
00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:45,880
SHE GIGGLES
502
00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:50,520
Mm.
503
00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:54,200
SHE EXHALES,
DOOR CLOSES
504
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:56,040
Ah, thank you, Dad...
505
00:21:57,040 --> 00:21:58,520
..you mucky old sod.
506
00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:00,560
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