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1
00:00:17,120 --> 00:00:19,560
Here's how the fairy tale goes.
2
00:00:19,640 --> 00:00:23,120
Fall in love.
Get married. Be faithful.
3
00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:25,440
Grow old together and die.
4
00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:27,040
I do.
5
00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:28,440
Not.
6
00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:37,160
I've lived most of my life
thinking marriage was my destiny.
7
00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:40,200
But look around. Divorce everywhere
8
00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,600
and a whole lot
of cheating going on.
9
00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:44,240
It's the sex menu.
10
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,600
He's definitely not faithful.
Look at that guy.
11
00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:52,800
The dream of one true love
ain't cutting it anymore.
12
00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:54,360
And it's easy to find almost,
13
00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:56,160
but love
is so much more complicated.
14
00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:58,920
It's not a fairy tale.
If anything, it's a scary movie.
15
00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:02,080
With, you know,
nice parts in the middle, yeah.
16
00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:06,720
Is there a better way to find love
with more than just one person?
17
00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:10,760
She's my wife,
and then he's our boyfriend.
18
00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:13,280
This one is a polyamorous
group of people
19
00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:15,080
hanging out together, casually.
20
00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:17,600
Of course.
21
00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:27,920
Is it your wedding day today?
22
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:31,120
-Oh, my gosh! Congratulations!
-Thank you.
23
00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:33,000
How many times
have you been in love?
24
00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:35,000
This is probably the only time.
25
00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:40,440
Do you believe that monogamy
is what comes naturally to humans?
26
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:43,000
I don't think that it's something
that comes naturally,
27
00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:46,560
but I do think it's something
that... we've come to expect.
28
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:50,200
If for some crazy reason, one of you
ended up wanting someone else,
29
00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:52,440
or, like, wanting
to explore maybe something,
30
00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:54,640
would you expect
to be honest about it?
31
00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:57,320
I guess it would depend
on the circumstances.
32
00:01:57,400 --> 00:01:59,000
-Yeah.
-Um...
33
00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:03,000
I think if I felt like there was
some sort of, like, premeditation,
34
00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:06,440
-I think it'd be over immediately.
-Yeah, of course it would.
35
00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:10,960
But I feel like if it was something
that happened unexpectedly
36
00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:13,880
and if my heart felt
like I wanted to keep trying,
37
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:16,000
-I probably would do that. Yeah.
-Thank you.
38
00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:19,000
You seem so calm for somebody
who's about to get married.
39
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:21,360
-Thank you.
-You look absolutely so stunning.
40
00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:23,800
-I hope you have an incredible day.
-Thank you.
41
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:31,960
It's not the fairy tale
we've been fed.
42
00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:34,320
I just think that's
what every fell... fairy...
43
00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:35,920
What every fell...
44
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:37,320
Wow.
45
00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:42,000
Every time I'm in love, I envision
marrying the person that I'm with,
46
00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:45,360
and I do envision being with them
for the rest of my life.
47
00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:48,560
I'm an old school-hopeless romantic
in that way.
48
00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:52,120
Whether or not that lasts,
it's what I feel in that moment.
49
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:54,000
Once I'm in love, then it's, like...
50
00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:56,560
and everything else
is just, "Goodbye, world."
51
00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:59,880
But once you go through heartbreak
and then heartbreak and heartbreak,
52
00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:03,280
you go, "Wait, this is not worth it.
This is silly."
53
00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:05,920
If it breaks again, what if
it doesn't get back together?
54
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,840
I mean, I'm still mending
from not one relationship
55
00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:11,400
but three, four... three.
56
00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:13,600
Yeah.
57
00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:15,840
Being in all these relationships,
58
00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:18,040
I thought I knew
what I was looking for,
59
00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:20,480
but maybe now
I don't really know what that is.
60
00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:23,040
I want to discover
what else there is
61
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,640
because usually
I've just kind of gone for monogamy,
62
00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:27,640
but maybe
that isn't the right answer.
63
00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:35,360
I really want to believe in love
and marriage and all that stuff.
64
00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:40,400
But after a string of relationships,
my love life needs a makeover.
65
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:44,800
So I'm starting by asking
the most basic question of all,
66
00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:46,360
what is love?
67
00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,000
Forget poets and philosophers.
68
00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:52,080
This is one where science
might have the edge.
69
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:53,760
So, we are in Santa Barbara.
70
00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:56,200
I'm about to meet a scientist
who is going to show me
71
00:03:56,280 --> 00:03:58,760
what love looks like in my brain.
72
00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:01,080
Or even if I have one at all, so...
73
00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:05,160
The woman
with this terrifying power?
74
00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:06,960
Bianca Acevedo.
75
00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:10,560
She can tell if you are in love
just by scanning your brain.
76
00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:13,720
-Hi. Hey. I'm Cara.
-Hi.
77
00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:15,440
Nice to meet you. Come on in.
78
00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:18,720
We're going to ask you
to change into scrubs
79
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:20,600
to make sure
you don't have any metal,
80
00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:22,280
and then we'll get you started.
81
00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:23,840
Oh, my God. Okay, cool.
82
00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:26,720
Now, the idea
is that my brain will be scanned
83
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:28,320
while I look at a load of photos
84
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:30,400
of different people
from across my life.
85
00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:32,240
Oh, my gosh, it's chilly.
86
00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:34,440
Are these going to keep me warm?
Not really.
87
00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:36,120
We're going to give you a blanket.
88
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:40,280
Pictures of family,
close friends and relationships.
89
00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:41,680
I'll be talking to you.
90
00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:44,320
I'll say, "This next scan
is gonna be five minutes long.
91
00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:47,000
Hold still as much as you can."
92
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:51,720
If I feel love, my brain
93
00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:54,160
will light up
in a very particular way
94
00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:55,560
and the MRI machine
95
00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:58,480
will basically reveal my secrets
to the world.
96
00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:03,680
Okay, Cara, are you ready?
97
00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:05,080
Yeah.
98
00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:09,120
Counting down,
three, three, two, one.
99
00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:12,840
The first photo
Bianca randomly selects
100
00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:15,200
is an old friend
I'm extremely close to
101
00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:19,000
and who also happens
to be incredibly attractive.
102
00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:24,280
Now, how do we know
she's not asleep?
103
00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:25,680
We don't.
104
00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:29,920
Hey, Cara, how are you doing?
105
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:32,120
She's snoring.
106
00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:33,520
She's snoring.
107
00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:37,400
Cara?
108
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:41,120
-Cara? How are you doing?
-I'm good.
109
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:43,360
-You fell asleep.
-I know. I snore. I'm sorry.
110
00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:44,760
It's okay.
111
00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:48,720
Hey, it was comfy, warm and dark.
112
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:51,680
And looking at my friend
just made me feel secure.
113
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:55,480
-Quick blast of caffeine...
-Goodnight.
114
00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:58,440
...and it's back
into the love machine.
115
00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:00,200
It's just really cosy here.
116
00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:02,120
Here we go.
117
00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:05,840
After a few more photos
of other friends and family,
118
00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:07,640
Bianca shows me someone
119
00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:10,440
I've had a rather complicated
relationship with.
120
00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:14,920
We're looking
at what Cara's brain is doing
121
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:18,040
when she's looking
at images of her ex-partner.
122
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:20,280
How is everything going?
123
00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:22,320
-Good.
-Fantastic.
124
00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:25,520
We're going to come in
and get you now.
125
00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:27,520
The study is over.
126
00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:34,000
A quick breather,
and it's results time.
127
00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:35,800
What did you find out?
128
00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:38,000
Yeah, so we typically see this...
129
00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:39,520
First up, my hot friend.
130
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:42,000
What does my brain have to say?
131
00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:44,560
When you look at the picture
of the person you admire,
132
00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:48,440
your brain activity
is not that much there.
133
00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:52,880
Doc, you see a lack of love,
I see a sneaky snooze.
134
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:58,600
Now, let's see how my brain reacts
to a much more complex relationship.
135
00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:01,720
So, you ready to see
your brain response to your ex?
136
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:03,320
Sure.
137
00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:06,760
-This is the response to your ex.
-Jesus Christ.
138
00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:08,520
So you're showing activity
139
00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:11,320
in both the right and the left
ventral tegmental area
140
00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:14,000
that we see
in people that are in love.
141
00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:18,360
-Wait, what?
-We see this brain activation
142
00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:20,720
-in people that are in love.
-No way.
143
00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:22,760
Yep.
144
00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:28,000
Right. Cool. Good to know.
145
00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:31,280
Oh, God.
146
00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:34,480
-Were you expecting to see that?
-Definitely not.
147
00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:37,640
But I understand
there's a strong emotional response.
148
00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:40,280
But it definitely wasn't love.
It was sadness and anger.
149
00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:44,080
But is that what love
is meant to be like? No.
150
00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:47,520
Well, we do see a lot of activation
151
00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:49,600
in the areas related
to emotional memory.
152
00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:52,960
Thanks brain for making me
aware of these things.
153
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:56,600
Apparently, feeling in love
stimulates bits of the brain
154
00:07:56,680 --> 00:08:00,080
that release the rewarding,
feel-good chemical dopamine.
155
00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:03,280
Love is basically a drug.
156
00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:07,560
The ventral tegmental area
lights up in response to rewards.
157
00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:10,520
So, in response
to the face image of your ex,
158
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:13,760
you still find it rewarding.
159
00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:18,120
-Life is complicated.
-It is indeed.
160
00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:23,960
One of the things
that has been most surprising
161
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:26,480
is just how tenacious love is.
162
00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:31,160
Like, it's a really strong drive.
163
00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:34,760
Even if couples
are not always doing great,
164
00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:37,640
there is still
a strong bonding connection there.
165
00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:40,080
They will still show
166
00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:43,640
this intense reward-related activity
in their brain.
167
00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:51,560
-Love is a beautiful thing.
-No.
168
00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:55,760
But what Bianca's
uncomfortably revealing work shows
169
00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:58,720
is that love is real and tenacious,
170
00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:01,840
even if we're not always conscious
of our response.
171
00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:06,400
No wonder it sometimes
feels like an addiction.
172
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:08,960
And that sense of reward leads us
173
00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:11,920
to this whole business
of monogamous marriage.
174
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:17,600
I was definitely sold
the wedding... fantasy.
175
00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:19,000
Yeah, it was all the idea
176
00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:21,480
of, like, marrying someone
that will look after you
177
00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:26,040
and maybe have,
like, a nice title in their name.
178
00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:29,440
But I was like, "I just don't want
to rely on anyone ever.
179
00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:32,240
I want to make all my own money
and I want to...
180
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:34,800
rely on myself and myself only.
See ya."
181
00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:38,200
But that's me,
and that probably leans
182
00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:41,240
into more of my little,
like, masculine boy side.
183
00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:44,800
I don't feel
like monogamous marriage
184
00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:48,080
would work for me,
and I know I'm not alone.
185
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:54,920
Welcome to Japan,
186
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:57,760
where those reservations
about old-school weddings
187
00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:00,440
are getting a very modern twist.
188
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:06,280
I'll attend a wedding
I don't know much about,
189
00:10:06,360 --> 00:10:08,360
but I've heard
it's not your average wedding.
190
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:12,720
Midori is 28 and a stunning bride.
191
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,480
So, what about the groom?
192
00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:20,360
It started three years ago.
Well, when I first saw Morgyn,
193
00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:23,440
I saw him, I was kind of surprised
194
00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:26,480
and couldn't look directly
at him for a moment.
195
00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:29,360
I felt like I was really struck.
196
00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:34,760
I felt that I was already
attracted to him at first sight.
197
00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:38,320
But when the groom is wheeled in,
198
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:41,920
this wedding suddenly takes
an unexpected turn.
199
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:45,480
He's a character
200
00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:47,880
in a computer game
called The Sims 4,
201
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:51,760
and his name is Morgyn Ember.
202
00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:55,760
I'm actually a huge fan of The Sims.
203
00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:58,920
It was something I used to play
a lot when I was younger.
204
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:00,400
I always felt very attached.
205
00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:03,240
I've been following
his movements in the game
206
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:08,000
for a long, long time now.
207
00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:11,280
And I've noticed
that he's giving me
208
00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:14,560
a very favourable look
from behind the screen,
209
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:19,560
and I felt that in my heart.
210
00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:22,560
We will continue to love
211
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,920
and support each other,
212
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,600
and to spend a lifetime together.
213
00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:30,320
Now, I would like to ask
you two to please kiss.
214
00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:35,920
I was afflicted by a severe
inferiority complex back then.
215
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:39,640
He accepts me exactly as I am.
216
00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:41,920
And the moment I realised that,
217
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:45,400
I suddenly became able
to accept him as real.
218
00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:48,440
How much pressure
was there to get married?
219
00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:52,360
In Japan, the idea still remains
220
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:56,240
that women are supposed
to marry and have children.
221
00:11:56,320 --> 00:12:00,600
More than ten years ago,
my mother told me,
222
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:02,160
"Hurry up and get married
223
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:03,960
so I can play
with my grandchildren."
224
00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:06,560
I don't want to have children
225
00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:09,000
just to be playthings
for my parents.
226
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:12,920
Okay, at first I was bamboozled.
227
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:16,840
But getting to know Midori,
I realise this is a unique reaction
228
00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:19,200
to the weight
of her family's expectations.
229
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:23,160
Marrying fictional characters
isn't for me,
230
00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:25,200
but I can massively relate to her.
231
00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:27,880
What do you feel like meeting Morgyn
232
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:30,080
has made you understand
about yourself?
233
00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:32,920
I believe, that Morgyn
234
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,680
is a transgender man.
235
00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:39,760
I realised, I was able to learn,
236
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:43,040
that gender
is not just men and women.
237
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:46,560
And I thought,
while I was focusing on him,
238
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:50,360
"Maybe I'm not a woman either.
239
00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:53,680
Maybe there's part of me
that feels masculine?"
240
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:58,040
Through Morgyn,
Midori discovered she's X-gender,
241
00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:00,720
the Japanese equivalent
of non-binary.
242
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:04,000
Morgyn also helped Midori
unlock her sexuality.
243
00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:06,440
I am probably bisexual,
244
00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:10,560
but I wasn't able
to accept myself.
245
00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:13,080
But because I liked Morgyn,
246
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:16,600
I realised it is something
247
00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:18,480
that can be accepted as normal.
248
00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:20,800
I'm beginning to get it.
249
00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:24,840
Midori is young,
queer and gender-questioning
250
00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:26,440
in a traditional society
251
00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:29,440
where same-sex marriage
still isn't legal.
252
00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:32,440
So she's living out
her dreams of love
253
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,600
through a monogamous
wedding ceremony
254
00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:37,040
making the old rituals work for her.
255
00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:42,560
We hereby pronounce the two of you
to be officially husband and wife.
256
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:44,320
Congratulations!
257
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:50,560
I feel that by actually holding
the wedding ceremony
258
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:52,000
here in the real world,
259
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:56,240
I really want to walk
more with him in this reality.
260
00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:58,920
It's a step
beyond the relationship
261
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:04,160
between the player
and the person in the game.
262
00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:06,120
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
263
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:08,320
Thank you.
264
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:10,200
Yay!
265
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:11,720
The love that was exuding,
266
00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:14,440
you could feel it in every ounce
of what she was saying.
267
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,920
I felt so overly emotional
and happy for her,
268
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:20,280
and that's the most incredible thing
in the world.
269
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:23,120
She's found the greatest gift
in the world, self-love.
270
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:25,680
It's not just Japan
271
00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:27,600
where heterosexual
monogamous marriage
272
00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:29,000
is being questioned.
273
00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:34,000
32% of Americans
have never walked down the aisle.
274
00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:39,080
Global divorce rates
have nearly doubled since 1970.
275
00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:44,760
So no surprise then
cheating is on the up, up, up.
276
00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:51,360
Good luck staying faithful in Italy,
where 47% of men admit to affairs.
277
00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:54,680
What about the boring old Brits?
278
00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:57,520
Surprisingly, 20% of us
are playing away.
279
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,760
While across the pond in the US,
280
00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:06,600
20% of men and 13% of women
fess up to marital infidelity.
281
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,080
Have you ever been cheated on?
282
00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:13,880
What's that like?
283
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:18,280
It's rough.
Yeah, being cheated on is not ideal.
284
00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:20,360
But, you know, I've also cheated.
285
00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:22,120
I usually prefer
to be broken up with
286
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:24,120
than to break up with someone.
287
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:26,480
I find the guilt
of breaking up with someone harder
288
00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:27,880
than being broken up with.
289
00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:33,800
I'd rather stay in the relationship
until it eats me alive.
290
00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:35,400
It's a very weird thing to do.
291
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:37,720
I don't know why I stay.
292
00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:40,520
The problem is as well
when you don't have much self-worth,
293
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:43,680
if someone cheats on you,
you take them back and let it go,
294
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:45,440
which is the stupidest thing.
295
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,560
Once you lose trust for someone,
it will never come back.
296
00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:53,040
Why continue being in a relationship
where you don't trust someone?
297
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:55,920
Beats me. But I've done it.
298
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:03,000
Cheating is so widespread,
299
00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:07,240
it's a no-brainer we humans
find strict monogamy so difficult.
300
00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:11,960
But in one country,
changing attitudes toward infidelity
301
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:14,960
appear to have created
a business opportunity.
302
00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:22,240
Mexico City,
devoutly Catholic, nuns galore.
303
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:28,080
Yet, if you're looking for a place
for some very glamorous two-timing,
304
00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:30,240
here you're spoilt for choice.
305
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:34,320
Now we are going to a love hotel
306
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:37,480
to see one
of the most important factors,
307
00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:39,760
which is privacy.
308
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:44,480
Where guilt and shame
are not invited.
309
00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:47,240
It is made to enjoy and relax.
310
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:51,600
Aidee has seen
more than a hundred love hotels
311
00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:55,440
open in Mexico City
in the last ten years.
312
00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:58,040
And they're all over the country.
313
00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:00,240
"What's a love hotel?"
I hear you ask.
314
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:03,080
Well, this ought to give you a clue.
315
00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:09,680
Firstly, we know
that there is a market for adultery.
316
00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:14,360
We have different attractions
in different rooms.
317
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:16,760
But there is a wonderful feature,
318
00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:18,600
which is the sex menu.
319
00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:22,280
And this means
that you can order to your room
320
00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:26,640
anything from costumes,
lubricants, love toys.
321
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:29,280
We really insist
you get out of bed
322
00:17:29,360 --> 00:17:31,840
and do the same things
in brand new ways.
323
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,440
Can you bring me
some drinks, please?
324
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:35,840
Yes. Thanks.
325
00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:39,880
I think they've arrived.
326
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:43,200
Here it is. Drinks. Okay?
327
00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:45,480
The waiter
has brought them already.
328
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:48,240
Without me having
to interact with anyone.
329
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:54,560
Today visiting a hotel
equals cheating.
330
00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:59,040
But why are all these love hotels
appearing now?
331
00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:03,040
Well, until recently,
just having an affair in Mexico
332
00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:05,080
could land you in jail.
333
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:09,480
Then ten years ago, the law changed.
334
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:12,400
Suddenly, cheating was legal.
335
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:15,320
And love hotels
went from secret and seedy
336
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:18,200
to boutique and mainstream.
337
00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:23,000
Five out of every ten women
and six out of every ten men
338
00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:25,280
admit to having been unfaithful.
339
00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:28,400
Whereas ten or 15 years ago,
340
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:32,960
it was basically 60% of men
and 30% of women.
341
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:35,840
That's a near doubling
of infidelity rates
342
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:39,080
amongst the ladies
in a decade or so.
343
00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:42,760
So, it's really interesting
how women
344
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:45,120
maybe now they are admitting
to being unfaithful
345
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,040
more than they did before.
346
00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:52,560
Or maybe they are more open
to having these affairs.
347
00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:56,640
Changing the law lifted
the penalties for infidelity
348
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:58,640
for both men and women.
349
00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:01,440
Yeah, go equality!
350
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:06,360
But is equal opportunities adultery
actually a win?
351
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:08,720
Let's just say yes.
352
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:14,120
Now the gap between men
who admit to being unfaithful
353
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:17,280
and women who admit
to having been unfaithful
354
00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:19,600
at least once in their lives
355
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:21,440
has completely closed.
356
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:26,480
But is it really a surprise
357
00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:29,240
that so many of us
are rubbish at monogamy?
358
00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:32,080
After all, we're animals,
359
00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:33,920
and zoo keeper Alexi Grousis
360
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:37,400
reckons we've got a lot to learn
from the birds and the bees.
361
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:40,120
And don't forget the horny beasts.
362
00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:43,280
You want to check out these animals?
I'll lead the way.
363
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:45,280
Oh, my God, I'm so excited.
364
00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:48,320
When we look at the animal kingdom,
365
00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:51,040
especially the animals
that are most closely related to us,
366
00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:52,760
we see that monogamy
367
00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:56,160
is not as common
as we'd like to think it is.
368
00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:58,840
Look at him. I make owl sounds.
369
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,920
Oh, my God, owls are so cool.
370
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:08,240
Monogamy is most commonly seen
in birds, less so in the primates.
371
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:11,520
When you look at the primates,
they get a little more promiscuous.
372
00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:16,800
I'm more feather than fur,
I think, so far at least.
373
00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:19,120
And as for the reptiles...
374
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,080
Turn around.
He's definitely not faithful.
375
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:26,480
Look at that guy.
376
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:30,640
And, guys, no prizes for guessing
which bit of your anatomy
377
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:34,760
shows just where us humans lie
on the fidelity spectrum.
378
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:37,960
-What is this?
-Yeah.
379
00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:41,880
I've put together
a nice little demonstration for you.
380
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:46,640
I've got the relative testes size
of different animals.
381
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:48,440
-So...
-Can we call them...?
382
00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:50,640
-I don't. I'm American.
-I'm English, though.
383
00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:53,160
-All right. They're...
-Or testes or whatever you...
384
00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:55,480
Wait, what? You can't say...?
385
00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:57,920
-Is that a bad word?
-But you can say "testes"?
386
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:02,200
-It might be wise to say testicles?
-Testicles.
387
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:06,440
Testicles? That's... Oops.
388
00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:09,200
When we look at this one right here,
389
00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:12,640
this is roughly the size
of an owl monkey's testicles,
390
00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:14,800
which is a very monogamous animal.
391
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:17,520
The testicle size
is almost directly related
392
00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:19,080
to the amount of sperm produced.
393
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:21,080
But is that meaning
the bigger... you have,
394
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:23,280
the more likely you are
to be less monogamous?
395
00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:25,960
Potentially. This one right here,
396
00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:30,680
that would be the rough size
of a chimpanzee testicle.
397
00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:32,120
-No!
-Yeah.
398
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:34,960
So big... equals promiscuity.
399
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:36,440
They produce a lot of sperm
400
00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:38,680
and a lot of males
compete with each other.
401
00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:40,440
-I have a lot of questions now.
-Yeah.
402
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:44,760
Well, before you ask those,
let me show you this one.
403
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:46,680
And humans
404
00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:51,400
are neither strictly monogamous
nor highly promiscuous.
405
00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:54,200
-We sit kind of right in the middle.
-In the middle.
406
00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:56,480
That's never something
I've heard with... before.
407
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:57,880
Yeah, no kidding, right?
408
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:01,680
Right, let's get this straight.
409
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:06,680
Nature has given us,
I mean, males, medium sized...
410
00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:09,240
Sorry, testicles.
411
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:14,480
It sounds like we're designed
to be neither totally monogamous,
412
00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:16,320
nor totally polygamous.
413
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:18,240
Let's say, flexible.
414
00:22:20,360 --> 00:22:24,960
So, biology says flexible,
but society wants stable.
415
00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:29,440
Can we square the circle and have
both variety and commitment?
416
00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:32,640
Here's an idea.
How about throupling it up?
417
00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:35,160
-My name is Johnisha.
-My name is Jeron.
418
00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:37,040
And my name is Destiny.
419
00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:40,600
She's my wife,
and then he's our boyfriend.
420
00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:44,760
-Oh, you did the same thing.
-I did.
421
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:47,240
I personally like the uncomfort
422
00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:49,480
of, like, when we walk into a room
423
00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:51,600
and nobody knows
what our dynamic is.
424
00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:53,560
People fill in the details
how they will.
425
00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:58,520
So, what brought
this tantalising trio together?
426
00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:00,080
We got married last year.
427
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:03,520
We had actually started wanting
to have kids around that time.
428
00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:06,280
We either wanted a donor,
or we wanted somebody
429
00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:09,720
that was going to also be
like a father in the life.
430
00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:12,840
So, me and Jeron
actually dated seven years ago,
431
00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:14,720
and we stayed friends
432
00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:18,640
and eventually,
like, being in a throuple
433
00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:20,560
sort of kind of fell into our lap.
434
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:23,720
As far as it being all three people
on the same page,
435
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:25,400
-this is my first time.
-Yeah.
436
00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:28,080
-Yeah. For all three of us.
-Yeah, same. For all three.
437
00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:31,840
We're always getting like,
"Don't you guys get jealous?
438
00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:33,680
Oh, I could never share my man."
439
00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:35,720
But he's like,
"Oh, you got two girlfriends?
440
00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:37,640
High five dude!" Like...
441
00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:40,840
Usually it always goes to sex.
442
00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:44,800
"How do you guys have sex?"
Like, I don't know. Google. Like...
443
00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:50,680
Especially in the beginning, we had
a lot of just honest conversations.
444
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:54,800
If you can't communicate
with just one partner,
445
00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:57,640
two partners is going to be harder.
446
00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:00,200
So communication is key.
447
00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:06,800
Good thing this throuple
have communication sorted
448
00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:10,200
because baby Isiah's arrival
means domestic arrangements
449
00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:12,960
need a lot more thought
and organisation.
450
00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:15,760
There was a lot of questions
451
00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:18,560
about how logistically
everything would work.
452
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:20,560
With there being
three sets of grandparents
453
00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:22,800
and three sets of aunts and uncles,
454
00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:25,280
everybody wanted to make sure
they'd have their time.
455
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:29,520
Relationships come
in all different ways.
456
00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:31,320
It's not something I'd do.
457
00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:37,160
But, you know... I figure,
if you don't like it, don't do it.
458
00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:40,600
But it seems
that it's working with them.
459
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:42,840
I like the way
they get along together
460
00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:45,040
and, you know, co-parent.
461
00:24:45,120 --> 00:24:46,760
I give them credit.
462
00:24:46,840 --> 00:24:48,880
Society says
you should be with one person,
463
00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:53,440
but, you know, we are human
and we have these emotions,
464
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:57,680
so I don't think it should just be
limited to just one person.
465
00:24:57,760 --> 00:24:59,360
It doesn't have to be for everyone,
466
00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:02,160
but, you know, it works for us,
and we're happy with it.
467
00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:04,080
It's just more love.
468
00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:06,480
It's just more parents.
It's more grandparents.
469
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:08,240
It's more aunts, more uncles.
470
00:25:08,320 --> 00:25:12,760
Our village to raise our baby
is already a step ahead of most.
471
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:16,160
These suburban throuple trailblazers
472
00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:19,360
show that relationship dynamics
are all different.
473
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:21,920
And they've created
an alternative type of family
474
00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:23,840
that works for them.
475
00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:26,320
Maybe now's the time for me
476
00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:29,480
to seriously consider
my relationship future.
477
00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:36,840
Monogamy
has never worked out for me.
478
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:38,920
But are there any right answers?
479
00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:43,920
Luckily, I know
just the evolutionary anthropologist
480
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:45,600
to help.
481
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:50,840
So yeah, I want to ask you
what is biologically, socially...?
482
00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:52,680
Am I meant to be monogamous?
483
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:54,240
What can I do? Tell me, doctor.
484
00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:56,560
So, the inputs into how we end up
485
00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:59,080
in terms of our relationship
structures are two, okay?
486
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:01,560
You have the biological input,
your instincts.
487
00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:05,920
But then we have the really quite
powerful cultural influence
488
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:09,080
on how you behave in relationships
and what structures you find.
489
00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:10,600
And that's really influenced
490
00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:13,280
by what society
tells you is expected,
491
00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:15,000
maybe the religion you follow,
492
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:16,920
your examples
as you were brought up.
493
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:19,000
That can actually overpower
494
00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:21,320
that biological instinct.
There's no right answer.
495
00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:23,600
The organisation of relationships
is a spectrum.
496
00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:25,400
We've got, like, monogamy here,
497
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:28,600
right up to more complex things
like polyamory.
498
00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:33,560
Given absolute free rein as a human,
you should have the choice
499
00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:35,920
to sit on that spectrum
where you feel comfortable.
500
00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:38,240
Unfortunately, obviously,
in many societies
501
00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:40,080
that freedom is not there.
502
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:42,760
What's your life experience,
your relationship history?
503
00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:47,200
I mean, it's...
504
00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:50,400
I've usually tend to have been
in long-term relationships,
505
00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:52,120
quite close-ish to each other,
506
00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:54,440
and, you know,
always been monogamous
507
00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:56,480
until like there's been, like...
508
00:26:56,560 --> 00:26:59,000
maybe an arrangement
made at some point later in,
509
00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:01,240
but that's always been
the end of it, anyway.
510
00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:03,640
I don't know,
I've been single for two years.
511
00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:06,560
Because I have been single
512
00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:08,440
for the longest time
I ever have been,
513
00:27:08,520 --> 00:27:12,000
I would like someone to tell me,
"This is what you're meant to have."
514
00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:15,240
If it is, "You should be married
with a girlfriend and a boyfriend,"
515
00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:18,520
I'd be, like, "Dope, cool.
Now I know what I'm aiming for,
516
00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:20,160
and let me fill those spots."
517
00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:23,600
You meet one person,
get married, have kids.
518
00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:26,240
Like, I like someone telling me
what I need to go for
519
00:27:26,320 --> 00:27:28,240
instead of kind
of this just endless...
520
00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:30,920
How many people,
one person or what gender, or...
521
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:32,440
Ah, it's a lot! It's confusing.
522
00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:35,200
It's way more complicated
because how do I know when that...
523
00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:37,400
How do I know
when I've found my family?
524
00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:42,880
So, forget right and wrong.
525
00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:46,280
The relationships
that work for us as individuals
526
00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:51,840
are a stew of biology, social norms
and good-old fashioned lust.
527
00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:55,320
Society sold me
the dream of monogamy.
528
00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:58,520
But polygamy,
multi-partner marriage,
529
00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:00,560
dates way back to ancient times
530
00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:04,320
and is legal or tolerated
in over 50 countries.
531
00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:07,600
Problem is, in most cases,
532
00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:10,800
it's one man, many wives,
and I've got to say,
533
00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:13,800
it seems like it's not a good deal
for women.
534
00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:17,960
But one woman is on a mission
to shake all that up.
535
00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:22,960
I currently have
three intimate partners.
536
00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:26,400
Nyamakela, he is a heterosexual man.
537
00:28:26,480 --> 00:28:28,840
He is the father of my children.
He's my fiancé.
538
00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:30,520
Also, my nesting partner,
539
00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:32,840
which basically means
we do house things together,
540
00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:36,160
we take care of the children,
we have bills,
541
00:28:36,240 --> 00:28:39,040
we have that every day
kind of living relationship.
542
00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:41,680
Yeah, I'm very, very blessed.
543
00:28:42,240 --> 00:28:45,760
And my second partner is Kerline.
544
00:28:46,360 --> 00:28:48,160
Kerline, come get.
545
00:28:52,280 --> 00:28:55,480
Our dynamic
is more of a BDSM dynamic.
546
00:28:55,560 --> 00:28:59,840
We met through a mutual friend,
and I'm struggling to focus
547
00:28:59,920 --> 00:29:01,800
because Muvumbi's doing this thing.
548
00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:04,400
She has like this twinkle thing
that happens.
549
00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:06,600
Why are you... twinkling at me?
550
00:29:07,560 --> 00:29:09,000
Because I love you.
551
00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:17,400
My third partner is MJ.
MJ is my light love affair.
552
00:29:17,480 --> 00:29:20,640
We love listening to music together
and holding hands.
553
00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:25,600
Muvumbi's got a lot,
literally, all bases covered.
554
00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:29,240
Domesticity, intimacy and BDSM.
555
00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:32,520
So, what more does she want?
556
00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:36,720
Well, she also wants to get married.
557
00:29:38,400 --> 00:29:42,280
If I can marry a man and a woman,
that's always been my dream.
558
00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:45,560
There's just one problem.
559
00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:48,400
At the moment,
that's illegal in South Africa.
560
00:29:49,520 --> 00:29:52,840
Men can marry
multiple wives, polygyny.
561
00:29:52,920 --> 00:29:57,480
At one time, former South African
president Jacob Zuma had four wives.
562
00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:02,920
But women cannot marry
multiple husbands, polyandry,
563
00:30:03,000 --> 00:30:05,000
let alone take a wife and a husband.
564
00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:10,920
I'm an activist and I think
that I'm very vocal about polyamory
565
00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:14,360
because it is so close
to my value, which is freedom.
566
00:30:15,400 --> 00:30:18,040
I am a member of Poly ZA,
567
00:30:18,120 --> 00:30:20,520
which is a polyamorous group
in South Africa.
568
00:30:22,520 --> 00:30:26,760
Muvumbi is campaigning to get
the law changed, and guess what?
569
00:30:27,400 --> 00:30:29,040
The government's now mulling over
570
00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:31,760
a new bill
that would legalise polyandry.
571
00:30:34,360 --> 00:30:37,320
The signing of the bill
572
00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:41,560
to make it legal for women
to marry more than one lover
573
00:30:41,640 --> 00:30:43,360
opens that up for me.
574
00:30:43,440 --> 00:30:46,440
I think it's my right
to have access to all pleasure.
575
00:30:46,520 --> 00:30:50,320
Men have been living that,
and we all want equal rights.
576
00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:52,640
Even though a lot of people
feel like poly people
577
00:30:52,720 --> 00:30:55,280
aren't about commitment
and marriage, I really am.
578
00:30:55,360 --> 00:30:58,200
And I want to build a family.
I want to build a tribe.
579
00:30:59,040 --> 00:31:02,960
-Hi.
-Hey, babe. Hey, boyfriend.
580
00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:06,280
I think I'm the resident boyfriend.
581
00:31:07,400 --> 00:31:11,160
That's the best title
I can think of, you know.
582
00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:15,640
But the thing is, Nyamakela
is really not your average guy.
583
00:31:15,720 --> 00:31:17,920
-Yeah.
-The fact that this is possible,
584
00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:22,160
that I can make a salad
with my two lovers
585
00:31:22,720 --> 00:31:24,120
makes me so happy.
586
00:31:25,440 --> 00:31:28,080
So, Muvumbi wants to marry everyone?
587
00:31:28,160 --> 00:31:32,120
I wouldn't say the more the better
because you can get saturated.
588
00:31:32,880 --> 00:31:36,520
Everybody has their limits, yeah.
And I think right now mine is three.
589
00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:42,000
My saturation limit? Not sure yet.
590
00:31:42,720 --> 00:31:46,040
Can I really imagine myself
marrying multiple partners?
591
00:31:50,520 --> 00:31:52,840
In my fantasy in now,
what am I thinking about?
592
00:31:53,400 --> 00:31:57,600
Yeah, I would love to live on a farm
with my five wives and one man.
593
00:31:58,360 --> 00:31:59,680
Can I say that?
594
00:32:01,680 --> 00:32:03,680
I don't want five wives.
That's exhausting.
595
00:32:09,280 --> 00:32:13,360
Okay, loads of husbands and wives
may not be for me.
596
00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:17,200
So, how do I work out what is
my ideal kind of relationship?
597
00:32:18,840 --> 00:32:21,120
Can science help me decide?
598
00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:24,640
I don't think it's very attractive
that I'm spitting.
599
00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:27,000
What are they going to test
with this?
600
00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:28,800
So, this is like a genotyping test.
601
00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:31,760
Hold, please.
602
00:32:33,960 --> 00:32:35,480
Different things to basically see
603
00:32:35,560 --> 00:32:39,280
if... like, to tell me more
about my biology of relationships.
604
00:32:39,360 --> 00:32:42,760
If I'm genetically destined
to be in long-term relationships,
605
00:32:42,840 --> 00:32:46,240
-or if I'm more likely to be single.
-Amazing. All from a bit of spit.
606
00:32:46,320 --> 00:32:47,960
All from a bit of spit.
607
00:32:49,160 --> 00:32:50,480
And for the results?
608
00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:54,040
Well, it's back
to my brainy friend, Dr Anna.
609
00:32:55,080 --> 00:32:58,320
We asked you for some of your spit
and we extracted the DNA from that.
610
00:32:58,400 --> 00:33:01,040
And what we're looking at
is three particular genes
611
00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:03,400
associated with how you behave
when you're in love.
612
00:33:03,480 --> 00:33:07,360
So, no gene is deterministic,
but it's a good pointer.
613
00:33:08,240 --> 00:33:09,560
How did you find this?
614
00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:11,840
How do we correlate that
between the actual genes
615
00:33:11,920 --> 00:33:14,920
and what it shows
with our relationship history?
616
00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:17,760
Okay, so what we did
was we took a lot of spit
617
00:33:17,840 --> 00:33:20,080
from about 4,000 people.
618
00:33:20,160 --> 00:33:23,360
We took their relationship histories
and lots of psychological measures
619
00:33:23,440 --> 00:33:26,880
about their attachment,
their socio-sexual orientation,
620
00:33:26,960 --> 00:33:29,760
their empathy,
all these different sorts of things.
621
00:33:29,840 --> 00:33:32,040
And we looked
as whether there was a relationship
622
00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:35,080
between certain genes
and some of those traits.
623
00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:38,440
There certainly is
a genetic influence
624
00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:41,000
on the way we love,
on the way we feel,
625
00:33:41,080 --> 00:33:44,000
and in terms of how we behave
when we're in a relationship.
626
00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:48,560
You're so good at your job, man.
It's amazing.
627
00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:52,040
I'm so... I just want to know...
I can't... What else do I do?
628
00:33:52,600 --> 00:33:54,760
So, Cara, your test results show
629
00:33:54,840 --> 00:33:56,520
that you do not have
the nesting gene.
630
00:33:56,600 --> 00:34:00,880
So you are not overly motivated
to be in a long-term pair bond.
631
00:34:00,960 --> 00:34:04,200
That you sit midway
on the empathy spectrum
632
00:34:04,280 --> 00:34:05,960
and that you do not have the gene
633
00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:08,720
that's going to increase
the likelihood that you are single.
634
00:34:10,160 --> 00:34:12,000
Again, confusing, but I like it.
635
00:34:12,080 --> 00:34:16,360
So, your propensity is
more towards having a relationship
636
00:34:16,440 --> 00:34:17,880
than not having a relationship.
637
00:34:17,960 --> 00:34:20,920
None of these things are making me
so sure about who I am.
638
00:34:23,360 --> 00:34:25,360
This is because love is complicated.
639
00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:27,520
Yeah, that's why I long
to not be single,
640
00:34:27,600 --> 00:34:29,280
but I love being alone.
641
00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:32,360
Nesting. Get it. Kind of.
642
00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:35,920
My genes aren't my destiny.
643
00:34:36,000 --> 00:34:41,160
That's a complex mix of environment,
biology and just plain chance.
644
00:34:41,240 --> 00:34:44,280
In fact, the cutting-edge research
Anna talked about
645
00:34:44,360 --> 00:34:47,680
shows 32% of people in relationships
646
00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:51,400
carry the gene making them
more likely to be single.
647
00:34:51,480 --> 00:34:55,800
But it looks like genetics are
a powerful influence on intimacy.
648
00:34:56,640 --> 00:35:00,360
Yeah, so I learnt
that... I am not a nester.
649
00:35:01,160 --> 00:35:04,120
I'm medium empathy.
650
00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:06,640
People feel double as much as me
to other people.
651
00:35:06,720 --> 00:35:08,960
That's like a lot.
Yeah, I hate being medium.
652
00:35:09,040 --> 00:35:11,920
I never want to be middle anything.
I'd rather have none or all.
653
00:35:13,680 --> 00:35:15,120
That I get obsessive.
654
00:35:15,200 --> 00:35:18,880
So I'm not likely to have
long-term relationships genetically,
655
00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:21,800
but I don't wanna be single either.
That's cool, confusing.
656
00:35:21,880 --> 00:35:24,280
Thanks, Mum and Dad.
I definitely do want to change.
657
00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:27,040
I think I have
a very unhealthy relationship
658
00:35:27,120 --> 00:35:30,920
with attachment, with love,
still with self-love and patterns.
659
00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:33,080
And it's just...
the longer I stay single,
660
00:35:33,160 --> 00:35:35,160
I realise it takes
a long time to change.
661
00:35:42,000 --> 00:35:44,160
So, is there a way to have it all?
662
00:35:45,600 --> 00:35:48,680
The variety and thrills
that come with more than one partner
663
00:35:48,760 --> 00:35:51,800
but instead of being
deceptive and secretive about it,
664
00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:54,280
being open and honest instead.
665
00:35:55,880 --> 00:35:58,680
Funny story,
here I am frantically searching
666
00:35:58,760 --> 00:36:01,200
for a group of polyamourists.
667
00:36:01,280 --> 00:36:02,800
No luck so far.
668
00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:06,560
But I have found
a fabulous santarillion 1964.
669
00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:10,320
Here we go. Hurrah!
670
00:36:12,800 --> 00:36:15,520
So cool. Hi, guys.
671
00:36:15,600 --> 00:36:17,360
-Hi!
-Hi!
672
00:36:19,080 --> 00:36:21,960
Welcome to a polyamorous
cocktail party,
673
00:36:22,040 --> 00:36:26,200
run by the fabulously named
Sex Positive LA.
674
00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:28,480
So, I'm really excited
to meet all of you guys.
675
00:36:29,040 --> 00:36:30,800
I've always been curious
676
00:36:30,880 --> 00:36:32,680
about different ways
of relationships.
677
00:36:32,760 --> 00:36:36,120
I think a lot of people
aren't even aware of the options.
678
00:36:36,680 --> 00:36:38,320
This is an interesting time.
679
00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:41,040
It's kind of, like,
a new sexual revolution
680
00:36:41,120 --> 00:36:43,960
of people really figuring out
what's going to make them happy
681
00:36:44,040 --> 00:36:46,880
and seeing that there's
different ways to do things.
682
00:36:46,960 --> 00:36:50,320
And you don't have to sacrifice
your happiness for someone else.
683
00:36:51,760 --> 00:36:53,720
Looks like I've found an explorer
684
00:36:53,800 --> 00:36:55,600
who's been
on this relationship journey
685
00:36:55,680 --> 00:36:57,280
for longer than me.
686
00:36:57,360 --> 00:37:00,080
This one is a polyamorous
group of people
687
00:37:00,160 --> 00:37:02,320
hanging out together, casually,
688
00:37:02,400 --> 00:37:05,000
and, like, nerd out
about what it means to be poly...
689
00:37:05,080 --> 00:37:07,560
I love that nerding out about poly.
That's interesting.
690
00:37:07,640 --> 00:37:10,640
I don't now what the rules are.
Are there rules?
691
00:37:10,720 --> 00:37:12,640
There's no one way
to do any of this.
692
00:37:12,720 --> 00:37:15,040
Just like there's not one way
to do monogamy.
693
00:37:15,120 --> 00:37:17,640
So, there's different types
of polyamory.
694
00:37:17,720 --> 00:37:19,320
For example, solo poly.
695
00:37:19,400 --> 00:37:24,000
One person dating multiple people,
but kind of no ties to each person.
696
00:37:24,080 --> 00:37:25,800
There's kitchen table polyamory,
697
00:37:25,880 --> 00:37:27,480
where there's maybe multiple people
698
00:37:27,560 --> 00:37:31,120
who are with all other partners
and get along harmoniously.
699
00:37:31,200 --> 00:37:33,080
-Um...
-Cool.
700
00:37:34,120 --> 00:37:38,000
There's a V that's literally
the like letter V.
701
00:37:38,080 --> 00:37:40,520
So, there's one person
dating two people.
702
00:37:40,600 --> 00:37:43,120
There's endless
different configurations.
703
00:37:44,080 --> 00:37:47,920
To be polyamorous, do you have
to relinquish jealousy completely?
704
00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:51,720
Most polyamorous people would say
that jealousy comes up for them.
705
00:37:51,800 --> 00:37:53,280
Communication is so important.
706
00:37:53,360 --> 00:37:56,000
Like, what is the reason
why I feel jealous?
707
00:37:56,080 --> 00:37:57,720
Like, something emotional happening,
708
00:37:57,800 --> 00:38:01,320
I felt like you should have been
checking in with me as we all as...
709
00:38:01,400 --> 00:38:06,000
Sure, and that's the thing.
In a harmonious poly relationship,
710
00:38:06,080 --> 00:38:08,760
you would be figuring out
how to thwart that
711
00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:12,160
before it gets to that point
of anger or resentment.
712
00:38:12,240 --> 00:38:13,800
I love the constant communication.
713
00:38:13,880 --> 00:38:15,720
Because of the relationships
I've been in
714
00:38:15,800 --> 00:38:17,720
I was very unable to express
715
00:38:17,800 --> 00:38:20,480
when I was hurt,
when I wasn't treated well.
716
00:38:21,680 --> 00:38:23,360
I'm now desperate to learn
717
00:38:23,440 --> 00:38:26,200
about the highs and lows
of polyamory
718
00:38:26,280 --> 00:38:28,080
from people who live them.
719
00:38:28,160 --> 00:38:30,920
What drew you to polyamory?
What does it mean to you?
720
00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:33,960
-What has it brought to your life?
-It's just a way of being.
721
00:38:34,040 --> 00:38:35,960
-It's my identity.
-Yeah.
722
00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:39,480
So, it's not taking anything away
from any other person,
723
00:38:39,560 --> 00:38:41,320
and it's just adding more.
724
00:38:42,160 --> 00:38:44,200
Really gives you the opportunity
to figure out
725
00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:46,640
what works for you
and your partner, or partners.
726
00:38:46,720 --> 00:38:48,360
Just honesty.
727
00:38:48,440 --> 00:38:50,840
Which might change and develop.
728
00:38:50,920 --> 00:38:52,760
Doesn't need
to be the same for everyone.
729
00:38:52,840 --> 00:38:57,120
Unfortunately, it ruins almost
every love story in most movies.
730
00:38:58,240 --> 00:39:02,240
From our perspective, when somebody
is like, "Oh, I love them and them."
731
00:39:02,320 --> 00:39:04,160
We're always like, "Both!"
732
00:39:05,160 --> 00:39:09,240
Love them all. Yes, be transparent.
We'll be over it.
733
00:39:12,720 --> 00:39:16,120
So, I'm married,
and my discovery of polyamory
734
00:39:16,200 --> 00:39:18,480
sort of coincided
with meeting my wife.
735
00:39:18,560 --> 00:39:20,280
I'd just gotten out
of a relationship
736
00:39:20,360 --> 00:39:22,120
where we tried to be just open.
737
00:39:22,200 --> 00:39:25,040
I was in a relationship
when I was asked to open it,
738
00:39:25,120 --> 00:39:27,640
which I basically knew
was the end of the relationship
739
00:39:27,720 --> 00:39:32,080
because to me an open relationship
didn't make sense.
740
00:39:32,160 --> 00:39:34,720
But polyamory makes more sense. Why?
741
00:39:34,800 --> 00:39:38,440
I would say that polyamory
falls under the category
742
00:39:38,520 --> 00:39:40,920
of a certain type
of open relationship maybe?
743
00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:43,960
But most people when they're asking
for the open relationship,
744
00:39:44,040 --> 00:39:47,240
they're asking to be open sexually
and then to not have any feelings.
745
00:39:47,320 --> 00:39:50,200
-Which is... yes.
-Which you can't really control.
746
00:39:50,280 --> 00:39:52,720
In a lot of previous
monogamous relationships,
747
00:39:52,800 --> 00:39:55,480
I've felt... leashed,
I've felt collared,
748
00:39:55,560 --> 00:39:58,680
and that makes me want
to break out more.
749
00:39:58,760 --> 00:40:00,440
Yes, feel trapped,
2so you want to be,
750
00:40:00,520 --> 00:40:03,280
"Okay, I'm not a caged animal."
751
00:40:03,360 --> 00:40:07,640
In this short moment,
I can see how individual, how smart,
752
00:40:07,720 --> 00:40:10,160
how emotionally developed
all these things...
753
00:40:10,240 --> 00:40:12,840
I can always, like, refrain
myself sexually,
754
00:40:12,920 --> 00:40:15,240
but emotionally
I have connections with people.
755
00:40:15,320 --> 00:40:16,920
And that was never okay.
756
00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:19,960
Thank you.
Each of you dropped something.
757
00:40:20,040 --> 00:40:22,760
I was like, "Boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom, yay!"
758
00:40:29,240 --> 00:40:31,600
I cannot even explain
how much I learned
759
00:40:31,680 --> 00:40:33,560
in such a short amount of time.
760
00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:36,440
I was always intrigued
by polyamory, the idea.
761
00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:38,040
I think it gets a bad rep.
762
00:40:38,120 --> 00:40:40,120
People talk about it
who don't understand it
763
00:40:40,200 --> 00:40:41,560
in so many different ways.
764
00:40:41,640 --> 00:40:44,320
And I still don't know.
I can have solo polyamory...
765
00:40:44,400 --> 00:40:49,480
Whatever I'm experiencing right now
definitely leads more towards...
766
00:40:50,720 --> 00:40:52,880
something
that isn't conventional, for sure.
767
00:40:52,960 --> 00:40:54,360
I still don't know what it is.
768
00:40:54,440 --> 00:40:57,880
But I'm so much more excited
to continue exploring
769
00:40:57,960 --> 00:41:01,960
without feeling the unsureness
or guilt or aloneness
770
00:41:02,040 --> 00:41:03,760
that I guess I was before.
771
00:41:08,760 --> 00:41:11,440
What I have learnt
in this whole experience
772
00:41:11,520 --> 00:41:15,080
is the dynamics and the beauty
of so many different relationships.
773
00:41:15,160 --> 00:41:17,760
No one can tell you
how to live your relationship
774
00:41:17,840 --> 00:41:19,240
or what the rules are.
775
00:41:19,320 --> 00:41:21,280
I think there are no rules.
776
00:41:21,360 --> 00:41:24,160
The way that we're moving
into the future is so much more open
777
00:41:24,240 --> 00:41:27,240
and able to let people
be who they want
778
00:41:27,320 --> 00:41:30,040
and love who they want
and how they want.
779
00:41:30,760 --> 00:41:33,200
I don't know if I can be
in love with multiple people,
780
00:41:33,280 --> 00:41:35,080
but I love multiple people.
781
00:41:35,160 --> 00:41:38,400
And I feel very lucky to be able
to have that support and bond
782
00:41:38,480 --> 00:41:40,280
with so many people.
783
00:41:40,360 --> 00:41:42,920
But, in terms of love,
the most important relationship
784
00:41:43,000 --> 00:41:46,040
and the most important love
you can have is for yourself.
785
00:41:46,120 --> 00:41:47,920
There's no point
being in a relationship
786
00:41:48,000 --> 00:41:49,720
until you can fully love yourself
787
00:41:49,800 --> 00:41:52,200
because you can't truly love someone
until you do.
788
00:41:56,080 --> 00:41:59,440
So, while I spend my days
figuring all this shit out,
789
00:41:59,520 --> 00:42:02,560
there's only
one special someone for me.
790
00:42:03,920 --> 00:42:06,360
He is... yes, it is a he,
791
00:42:07,520 --> 00:42:11,320
loyal, faithful, a perfect match.
792
00:42:12,120 --> 00:42:14,360
And yes, just a little naughty.
793
00:42:16,920 --> 00:42:20,000
This is perfect puppy love.
794
00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:26,920
Subtitles: Lea Espector
plint.com
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