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1
00:00:31,204 --> 00:00:32,748
Is the sweetheart you married...
2
00:00:32,831 --> 00:00:34,750
the husband
you expected him to be?
3
00:00:34,792 --> 00:00:36,043
Has the war created...
4
00:00:36,126 --> 00:00:38,379
new problems for you
in your marriage?
5
00:00:38,462 --> 00:00:40,465
To answer these
and other personal problems...
6
00:00:40,548 --> 00:00:42,050
John J. Anthony...
7
00:00:42,091 --> 00:00:44,719
founder of the famed
Marital Relations lnstitute...
8
00:00:44,803 --> 00:00:47,264
in a brand-new program
of daily sessions...
9
00:00:47,305 --> 00:00:49,141
of kindly
and helpful advice.
10
00:00:49,224 --> 00:00:51,894
Mr. Anthony, are you ready
for your first case?
11
00:00:51,977 --> 00:00:53,437
Quite ready, George.
12
00:00:53,479 --> 00:00:56,107
The first case
is that of Miss C.A.
13
00:00:56,190 --> 00:00:59,735
All right. Let's go.
Your problem, please? Come in.
14
00:00:59,819 --> 00:01:03,406
Broadcasting's original
program of mediation...
15
00:01:03,490 --> 00:01:06,451
"The Court Of Human Relations."
16
00:01:06,493 --> 00:01:09,955
I wonder if we're not
losing sight of the fact...
17
00:01:09,997 --> 00:01:12,374
that the basic reality
of life...
18
00:01:12,458 --> 00:01:15,878
is not machinery
or politics or industry...
19
00:01:15,961 --> 00:01:20,028
or even rockets to the moon,
but human relationships.
20
00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:28,600
Tonight, one of the letters
I'll discuss...
21
00:01:28,642 --> 00:01:30,561
is this one
from a man who writes...
22
00:01:30,644 --> 00:01:32,563
"My second wife
is starting to resent me...
23
00:01:32,646 --> 00:01:34,857
"for all the things
I did with my first wife.
24
00:01:35,087 --> 00:01:37,485
"How can I convince her
that I love her...
25
00:01:37,568 --> 00:01:40,363
"and want us to have
many happy years together?"
26
00:01:40,509 --> 00:01:42,387
Please stay tuned.
27
00:01:43,220 --> 00:01:45,911
Possibly you see these
as feminine qualities.
28
00:01:45,994 --> 00:01:47,913
Now, we all have
feminine qualities.
29
00:01:47,996 --> 00:01:50,749
We're a part
of male and female.
30
00:01:50,833 --> 00:01:53,419
Every man has a tiny vagina...
31
00:01:53,502 --> 00:01:55,755
and every woman
has a tiny penis--
32
00:01:55,838 --> 00:01:57,757
very, very tiny,
but it's there.
33
00:01:57,840 --> 00:01:59,759
We are part of a total whole...
34
00:01:59,842 --> 00:02:02,303
and if we accept this whole
within ourselves...
35
00:02:02,345 --> 00:02:05,098
then we can become
an entire person...
36
00:02:05,181 --> 00:02:08,101
and accept ourselves
and love ourselves...
37
00:02:08,185 --> 00:02:12,398
and become lovable so others
can love us as well.
38
00:02:14,942 --> 00:02:17,361
- Yes, that's right !
39
00:02:34,192 --> 00:02:38,822
- Burns, someone escaped.
- Oh, good.
40
00:02:38,864 --> 00:02:42,159
Goddamn it! How did Lopez
get out on that ledge?
41
00:02:42,201 --> 00:02:44,495
He stole Watkins' key
and opened the window.
42
00:02:44,537 --> 00:02:47,081
Wait a minute.
How did Lopez get that key?
43
00:02:47,165 --> 00:02:48,708
Was Watkins stoned again?
44
00:02:48,791 --> 00:02:50,710
Yes, sir.
- All right.
45
00:02:50,752 --> 00:02:53,380
Let's go bring in Lopez,
and you call Chuck...
46
00:02:53,463 --> 00:02:56,049
and tell him,
"Turn off this goddamn alarm!"
47
00:02:56,133 --> 00:02:57,926
It's driving me nuts!
48
00:02:58,010 --> 00:03:00,054
Hey, where are you going?
49
00:03:00,137 --> 00:03:03,891
I can't concentrate
with alarm bells going off.
50
00:03:03,974 --> 00:03:06,102
I got a friend
out on that ledge...
51
00:03:06,185 --> 00:03:07,687
he's gonna be thrown into solitary.
52
00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:10,023
That's it. No more messing
around with the inmates.
53
00:03:10,064 --> 00:03:12,442
I'm sticking to the doctors
and the guards.
54
00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:14,528
It won't be as much fun.
55
00:03:20,805 --> 00:03:21,535
Lopez !
56
00:03:21,952 --> 00:03:24,455
I want you to come in here
this instant.
57
00:03:24,559 --> 00:03:25,289
No !
58
00:03:25,373 --> 00:03:28,501
All right. Let's talk.
I'm here for you.
59
00:03:28,585 --> 00:03:29,961
I'm--I'm here to listen.
60
00:03:30,044 --> 00:03:32,547
Up yours, man.
- All right.
61
00:03:32,631 --> 00:03:35,217
What I hear you saying
is "Up mine, man."
62
00:03:35,300 --> 00:03:39,054
Up yours. Up yours. Up yours.
63
00:03:39,138 --> 00:03:42,892
OK. What I hear you saying
is a lot of up mines...
64
00:03:42,933 --> 00:03:44,435
and that's really good--
listen--
65
00:03:44,518 --> 00:03:48,064
because you're starting
to work out some of your anger.
66
00:03:48,147 --> 00:03:50,608
Go ahead, give it to me.
I can take it. I'm your man.
67
00:03:50,650 --> 00:03:52,110
You're full of shit.
68
00:03:52,152 --> 00:03:55,489
What I hear you saying--
- Hey, I hear me saying it, too!
69
00:03:55,572 --> 00:03:57,157
Now back the fuck off!
70
00:03:59,618 --> 00:04:01,120
I hear you.
71
00:04:02,747 --> 00:04:04,540
Goddamn it,
I thought I told you...
72
00:04:04,624 --> 00:04:06,501
to beef up
his dose of thorazine.
73
00:04:06,584 --> 00:04:09,129
I think we did.
- Yeah.
74
00:04:09,212 --> 00:04:12,716
Lopez, I'm your doctor!
Now get the hell off this ledge!
75
00:04:12,841 --> 00:04:13,654
Hi, Lopez !
76
00:04:13,759 --> 00:04:15,928
Burns?
- Burns!
77
00:04:16,011 --> 00:04:17,388
Dr. Baird! What the heck...
78
00:04:17,471 --> 00:04:19,515
are you two guys
doing out here tonight?
79
00:04:19,598 --> 00:04:21,100
Get out of here, Burns.
80
00:04:21,183 --> 00:04:24,103
I get it. You're having
a private therapy session.
81
00:04:24,145 --> 00:04:28,358
Burns, get back now!
- I want to talk to Burns.
82
00:04:28,441 --> 00:04:30,318
I don't give a shit
what you want, Lopez !
83
00:04:30,402 --> 00:04:32,988
That's very sensitive of you.
84
00:04:33,071 --> 00:04:37,826
Lawrence? May I speak with you
privately, inside?
85
00:04:42,310 --> 00:04:43,749
I can handle this.
86
00:04:43,833 --> 00:04:45,335
What makes you think
you're qualified?
87
00:04:45,418 --> 00:04:46,544
This time, he's jumping.
88
00:04:46,628 --> 00:04:47,921
Next time,
he may be pushing others.
89
00:04:48,004 --> 00:04:50,966
He's a menace to society.
- Only if he falls on somebody.
90
00:04:52,050 --> 00:04:55,220
Burns, remember, I'm the doctor.
You're just an inmate.
91
00:04:55,304 --> 00:04:58,891
Yeah, Doctor. Now would you
please close the window?
92
00:05:14,283 --> 00:05:17,328
So, what's the thinking here, Lopez ?
93
00:05:17,369 --> 00:05:21,332
I'm thinking I can fly.
And if not, who gives a shit?
94
00:05:21,374 --> 00:05:25,587
And what about our dreams, man?
The dream of you and me...
95
00:05:25,670 --> 00:05:27,422
playing for the Cubs
in the World Series?
96
00:05:27,505 --> 00:05:30,383
You're pitching. I'm catching.
Bases are jammed in the ninth.
97
00:05:30,425 --> 00:05:32,052
I call for the spitter.
98
00:05:32,135 --> 00:05:34,012
You hork up
an ungodly goober...
99
00:05:34,054 --> 00:05:35,806
fire it up, the bottom
drops out of the pitch.
100
00:05:35,889 --> 00:05:37,433
Mattingly strikes out!
101
00:05:37,516 --> 00:05:40,436
And when the dust clears, man,
it's you and me...
102
00:05:40,519 --> 00:05:43,856
sitting around
at Hef's in the grotto...
103
00:05:43,898 --> 00:05:46,693
with a bunch of ladies
named Miss February.
104
00:05:46,735 --> 00:05:49,946
No way, man.
- And why not?
105
00:05:50,030 --> 00:05:51,239
'Cause even in a dream...
106
00:05:51,323 --> 00:05:53,575
the Cubs can't win
a World Series.
107
00:05:53,659 --> 00:05:58,622
To hell with it. I'm jumping.
- Wait! Wait!
108
00:05:58,706 --> 00:06:00,708
Now, here's an aspect
of your death...
109
00:06:02,794 --> 00:06:04,754
You hate Dr. Baird, don't you?
110
00:06:04,796 --> 00:06:07,090
I hate the miserable bastard.
111
00:06:07,173 --> 00:06:08,925
Just think how awful
you could make him feel...
112
00:06:09,009 --> 00:06:10,886
if I can talk you
off this ledge...
113
00:06:10,927 --> 00:06:12,763
and succeed where he failed.
114
00:06:25,568 --> 00:06:28,822
Get in here, Burns.
- Wait a minute, Dr. Baird.
115
00:06:28,905 --> 00:06:30,490
Now, all those people
down there...
116
00:06:30,574 --> 00:06:32,659
have come here
expecting someone to jump.
117
00:06:32,743 --> 00:06:35,663
And if nobody does,
they are going to leave here...
118
00:06:35,746 --> 00:06:37,206
with an empty, unsatisfied...
119
00:06:37,289 --> 00:06:39,041
what-is-the-point-of-my-job
kind of feeling.
120
00:06:39,125 --> 00:06:41,794
Do you know what I mean?
- No, and I don't care.
121
00:06:41,878 --> 00:06:44,756
Well, that's the difference
between you and me.
122
00:06:44,798 --> 00:06:49,136
I do care. And now...
123
00:06:49,219 --> 00:06:56,185
diving for the Cicero County
Correctional Mental Facility...
124
00:06:56,268 --> 00:06:59,522
John William Burns, Jr.
125
00:06:59,605 --> 00:07:06,655
Geronimo! Heads up!
126
00:07:22,839 --> 00:07:24,048
George?
127
00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:30,681
What?
128
00:07:30,722 --> 00:07:34,643
It's a beautiful day outside.
Don't you want to get up today?
129
00:07:35,248 --> 00:07:36,270
No.
130
00:07:37,021 --> 00:07:40,024
But you've been in bed
for two weeks.
131
00:07:40,108 --> 00:07:41,526
So?
132
00:07:41,609 --> 00:07:44,654
Well, you're a psychiatrist.
Don't you think that's odd?
133
00:07:44,769 --> 00:07:45,697
No.
134
00:07:46,198 --> 00:07:47,657
I brought you some lunch.
135
00:07:49,076 --> 00:07:52,579
George, I really think this is
one of your worst depressions.
136
00:07:54,790 --> 00:07:57,043
Am I alone
in this marriage, Vera?
137
00:07:57,126 --> 00:07:58,878
How many times
do I have to tell you?
138
00:07:58,961 --> 00:08:02,006
I'm not depressed.
I just need space.
139
00:08:04,092 --> 00:08:07,012
What about your radio show
and your patients?
140
00:08:07,053 --> 00:08:09,890
Patients? With their
petty penis problems...
141
00:08:09,973 --> 00:08:13,519
and their empty
vaginal concerns?
142
00:08:13,561 --> 00:08:16,564
Those vampires
are sucking the life out of me!
143
00:08:16,647 --> 00:08:19,192
All right, I'm going to do
a little shopping.
144
00:08:19,275 --> 00:08:20,568
Can I get you anything?
145
00:08:23,238 --> 00:08:24,864
I love you.
146
00:08:24,906 --> 00:08:26,908
I can't deal with that, either.
147
00:08:34,917 --> 00:08:38,880
All right, George.
Time to say good-bye.
148
00:08:51,101 --> 00:08:53,395
Tell me something. When did
you two angels of mercy...
149
00:08:53,437 --> 00:08:55,064
first feel the burning need...
150
00:08:55,106 --> 00:08:56,482
to assist
the mentally handicapped?
151
00:08:56,566 --> 00:08:58,067
When we found out
we could hit them...
152
00:08:58,109 --> 00:08:59,235
without getting caught.
153
00:08:59,319 --> 00:09:01,529
Hi, Robin. How are you?
154
00:09:03,448 --> 00:09:07,411
He's all yours.
- I've heard that before.
155
00:09:16,254 --> 00:09:18,381
So, kid, you missed my dive.
156
00:09:18,464 --> 00:09:20,717
It was a classic.
But you'll be able...
157
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:22,594
to see it
on the eleven o'clock news.
158
00:09:25,055 --> 00:09:29,143
Please, let me take you
away from all of this.
159
00:09:29,226 --> 00:09:31,103
I think my boss is planning...
160
00:09:31,145 --> 00:09:33,731
to take you away
from all of this.
161
00:09:35,316 --> 00:09:37,610
Dr. Lawrence Baird's office.
162
00:09:37,652 --> 00:09:39,946
I'm sorry,
Dr. Baird's no longer...
163
00:09:39,988 --> 00:09:41,531
connected with this institution
in any way...
164
00:09:41,614 --> 00:09:43,867
shape, fashion, or form.
165
00:09:43,950 --> 00:09:47,663
He can be reached
at the Betty Ford Clinic.
166
00:09:47,746 --> 00:09:48,956
No, as a patient.
167
00:09:50,082 --> 00:09:52,835
What am I supposed to say
when they call back?
168
00:09:52,918 --> 00:09:54,045
Tell them the truth.
169
00:09:54,128 --> 00:09:56,297
He's a hopeless case.
He's never getting out.
170
00:09:56,380 --> 00:09:58,550
You embarrassed me.
171
00:09:58,633 --> 00:10:02,554
You embarrassed
the hospital, the staff...
172
00:10:02,637 --> 00:10:05,265
and the entire state
health care system...
173
00:10:05,349 --> 00:10:07,142
all for a cheap laugh.
174
00:10:07,184 --> 00:10:08,394
It was not cheap.
175
00:10:08,477 --> 00:10:12,523
It won't happen again, 'cause
you know what I got here?
176
00:10:12,606 --> 00:10:13,816
Your record.
177
00:10:13,858 --> 00:10:16,194
Great. Put on side two.
Let's rock.
178
00:10:16,277 --> 00:10:18,321
Now, that was cheap, sir,
by way of illustrating--
179
00:10:18,363 --> 00:10:19,906
Shut up.
180
00:10:19,989 --> 00:10:24,161
Thrown out of Cornell.
Dumped by the Army.
181
00:10:24,202 --> 00:10:28,207
Sentenced to four years
in Joliet for computer fraud.
182
00:10:28,290 --> 00:10:30,000
I'm a pathetic
human being, sir...
183
00:10:30,042 --> 00:10:33,170
a pathological misfit
with delusions of grandeur.
184
00:10:33,212 --> 00:10:35,047
I think Jung said it best,
or perhaps it was from...
185
00:10:35,131 --> 00:10:36,591
"The Anatomy of
Human Destructiveness--"
186
00:10:36,674 --> 00:10:39,677
A little learning
is a dangerous thing.
187
00:10:39,719 --> 00:10:41,721
Do I at least get points
for self-knowledge?
188
00:10:41,763 --> 00:10:44,600
No. What you get, Mr. Smart Ass...
189
00:10:44,683 --> 00:10:46,894
is your transfer
back to prison.
190
00:10:50,898 --> 00:10:54,360
Doesn't take too much
to shut you up, does it?
191
00:10:54,444 --> 00:10:56,654
You're here because
you were able to convince...
192
00:10:56,738 --> 00:10:59,741
a bleeding-heart warden
that you were crazy.
193
00:10:59,824 --> 00:11:03,829
I know you're not crazy.
194
00:11:03,912 --> 00:11:07,916
You're just another asshole
looking for a way out.
195
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:12,213
Now, this order
is undated and unsigned...
196
00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:15,758
and it stays that way
if you behave.
197
00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:19,054
If not,
your ass is back in prison.
198
00:11:19,137 --> 00:11:20,597
Need I say more?
199
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:23,725
- Actually, George, I think
we can contain this problem.
200
00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:26,395
You're not broadcasting
for a couple of days.
201
00:11:26,437 --> 00:11:28,772
I'll just get the P.R. guys
to start deflecting the flack.
202
00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:30,441
I did not have
a nervous breakdown...
203
00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:32,068
and I did not try
to kill myself.
204
00:11:32,151 --> 00:11:33,903
I'm simply a man who,
under a lot of stress...
205
00:11:33,945 --> 00:11:35,363
took a few too many valium.
206
00:11:35,446 --> 00:11:38,658
lt was twenty-seven.
- Were you actually counting?
207
00:11:38,742 --> 00:11:41,453
I'm a big fan of yours,
Dr. Maitlin.
208
00:11:41,536 --> 00:11:42,746
My name is Klevin...
209
00:11:42,788 --> 00:11:45,290
and I really think
your radio show is special.
210
00:11:45,374 --> 00:11:46,542
Thank you.
211
00:11:46,625 --> 00:11:49,462
You saved my life one time.
- Really? I did?
212
00:11:49,545 --> 00:11:51,255
I was living in one of those...
213
00:11:51,339 --> 00:11:53,091
depressing apartments
in North Hollywood.
214
00:11:53,174 --> 00:11:55,134
It was one of those hot
July eighth kind of--
215
00:11:55,218 --> 00:11:56,469
You know what, Klevin?
216
00:11:56,553 --> 00:11:58,263
I really can't cope
with this right now.
217
00:11:58,346 --> 00:11:59,723
I'm under
a tremendous amount of stress.
218
00:11:59,806 --> 00:12:01,183
Get me out of here.
219
00:12:05,688 --> 00:12:06,981
- - Dr. Rosenberg...
220
00:12:07,064 --> 00:12:08,607
I've got to get out of L.A.
221
00:12:08,691 --> 00:12:11,444
I'm being constantly recognized.
I'm not getting any rest.
222
00:12:11,485 --> 00:12:13,488
You're in no shape
to go anywhere.
223
00:12:13,571 --> 00:12:15,281
Actually, George has a point.
224
00:12:15,365 --> 00:12:17,367
People find out
he's at a you-know-what...
225
00:12:17,450 --> 00:12:18,994
and tried to commit
you-know-what...
226
00:12:19,077 --> 00:12:20,454
it would be very bad
for business.
227
00:12:20,495 --> 00:12:21,955
Harvey, book me to London.
228
00:12:21,997 --> 00:12:24,374
Tell everybody that I'm off
on a six-month sabbatical...
229
00:12:24,458 --> 00:12:26,252
to do research on my next book.
230
00:12:26,335 --> 00:12:29,213
Do you think you're in any
kind of shape to write a book?
231
00:12:29,296 --> 00:12:32,341
There's no book.
It's just a business lie.
232
00:12:32,592 --> 00:12:33,551
Oh, Dr. Maitlin...
233
00:12:33,635 --> 00:12:34,802
What?
234
00:12:34,886 --> 00:12:37,931
Was there something wrong
with the service?
235
00:12:38,014 --> 00:12:40,809
Did I offend you in some way?
- What do you want?
236
00:12:40,892 --> 00:12:43,103
The gratuity was a bit scarce.
237
00:12:43,187 --> 00:12:45,940
I see. You want more money?
238
00:12:48,317 --> 00:12:51,487
Leeches! This is what you get
for saving somebody's life!
239
00:12:51,529 --> 00:12:54,365
They want more, more--more time,
more money, more love!
240
00:12:54,449 --> 00:12:55,575
We'll pay for it.
241
00:12:55,658 --> 00:12:58,662
Is everyone all right
except the waiter?
242
00:12:58,745 --> 00:13:02,040
Maybe it would be a good idea
to get George out of town.
243
00:13:02,124 --> 00:13:05,148
Thank you, Vera.
- You're welcome, George.
244
00:13:05,711 --> 00:13:07,963
I need to find a replacement--
245
00:13:08,047 --> 00:13:10,383
someone from
a mediocre medical school.
246
00:13:10,466 --> 00:13:12,510
Someone who can
take over my practice...
247
00:13:12,552 --> 00:13:14,763
without really curing anyone.
248
00:13:14,846 --> 00:13:17,599
Someone who can continue
my radio show...
249
00:13:17,682 --> 00:13:20,018
without helping anyone
and making me look bad.
250
00:13:20,102 --> 00:13:21,687
In other words, a bum.
251
00:13:21,728 --> 00:13:24,732
Right, but make sure
it's an out-of-state bum.
252
00:13:24,773 --> 00:13:25,983
Why?
253
00:13:26,066 --> 00:13:28,027
Why? Because every therapist
in this town...
254
00:13:28,069 --> 00:13:30,488
is insanely jealous of me.
255
00:13:33,324 --> 00:13:35,410
Find me some convention
in London...
256
00:13:35,493 --> 00:13:37,621
so I can write it off.
257
00:13:39,039 --> 00:13:42,126
I just want to go to sleep.
258
00:13:50,426 --> 00:13:53,346
Fastball.
- Good.
259
00:13:53,429 --> 00:13:55,056
Peace.
260
00:13:55,140 --> 00:13:57,100
If you're gonna play
in the Major Leagues...
261
00:13:57,184 --> 00:13:58,769
you've got to learn
what the signals are.
262
00:13:58,852 --> 00:14:02,231
This is important, OK?
Now...
263
00:14:02,272 --> 00:14:03,649
Spitball.
- Good.
264
00:14:03,732 --> 00:14:04,900
- Happy hour.
265
00:14:04,942 --> 00:14:06,777
Look, you're interrupting
the game, all right?
266
00:14:06,861 --> 00:14:08,905
Now get off the field.
267
00:14:08,988 --> 00:14:10,740
Open your mouth.
268
00:14:10,782 --> 00:14:12,659
You know how I enjoy
opening it for you.
269
00:14:12,742 --> 00:14:14,577
Well, I'm going to hydrotherapy.
270
00:14:14,619 --> 00:14:19,583
Watkins, I'm so sorry!
I accidentally did that.
271
00:14:19,625 --> 00:14:24,088
But now I'm dancing on them.
I'm right out of control!
272
00:14:24,171 --> 00:14:25,631
Help me.
273
00:14:25,673 --> 00:14:28,676
Sunlight comes at daytime
274
00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:32,597
And the moonlight comes
at night
275
00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:37,269
You call my name
276
00:14:37,352 --> 00:14:40,606
And I get a fever
when you hold me tight
277
00:14:40,647 --> 00:14:42,942
You give me fever
278
00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:44,860
Fever
279
00:14:49,991 --> 00:14:53,161
It's so wrong. He's my husband.
280
00:14:53,244 --> 00:14:55,080
You're his lawyer
and best friend.
281
00:14:55,163 --> 00:14:56,957
From now on,
just think of me as his lawyer.
282
00:14:58,500 --> 00:15:01,962
What if George's depression
is because he knows about us?
283
00:15:02,046 --> 00:15:03,339
Did he say anything?
- No.
284
00:15:03,422 --> 00:15:07,134
Good!
- What are you doing?
285
00:15:07,218 --> 00:15:09,804
All I can think about
is having you on my desk.
286
00:15:09,887 --> 00:15:12,974
It's so wrong.
- I'm so tired of what's right.
287
00:15:22,526 --> 00:15:26,239
Are you all right?
- No, we're not all right.
288
00:15:26,322 --> 00:15:29,075
Thank you.
You've been very helpful.
289
00:15:29,158 --> 00:15:30,493
Not at all.
290
00:15:33,872 --> 00:15:36,792
Is that a Chloe or a Montana?
291
00:15:36,875 --> 00:15:40,984
It's a Gee Kee.
- Outrageous.
292
00:15:43,215 --> 00:15:44,842
This ought to cheer you up.
293
00:15:46,052 --> 00:15:47,887
I think I found
the perfect guy.
294
00:15:47,970 --> 00:15:50,265
He's in Chicago.
- Good. Who is he?
295
00:15:50,348 --> 00:15:52,851
His name's Dr. Lawrence Baird.
He's chief psychiatrist...
296
00:15:52,893 --> 00:15:55,395
for the Cicero County
Corrections Mental Facility--
297
00:15:55,437 --> 00:15:56,980
a real dump,
which ought to satisfy...
298
00:15:57,064 --> 00:15:58,482
Maitlin's
out-of-state requirements.
299
00:15:58,565 --> 00:15:59,692
That's good.
- Secondly...
300
00:15:59,775 --> 00:16:01,610
he wrote his doctoral thesis
on Maitlin's theory...
301
00:16:01,694 --> 00:16:04,447
of psychocerebral equilibrium,
so he's in alignment...
302
00:16:04,530 --> 00:16:05,781
with Maitlin's
theoretical approach.
303
00:16:05,865 --> 00:16:08,409
Perfect. Is he too smart?
304
00:16:08,493 --> 00:16:10,912
He graduated from
Florida State University...
305
00:16:10,954 --> 00:16:12,414
with a C-plus average.
306
00:16:12,497 --> 00:16:14,040
The guy's lucky to be working.
307
00:16:18,837 --> 00:16:21,507
The sleeves on this jacket
are awfully long.
308
00:16:21,590 --> 00:16:23,968
I always like to show
a little linen at the cuff.
309
00:16:24,051 --> 00:16:25,845
You're a smart ass...
310
00:16:25,928 --> 00:16:28,181
and you'll always be
a smart ass.
311
00:16:28,264 --> 00:16:31,768
Now your smart ass
is going back to prison.
312
00:16:31,851 --> 00:16:33,395
They won't take me.
313
00:16:33,437 --> 00:16:35,772
You convinced them
you were crazy.
314
00:16:35,856 --> 00:16:39,902
You were "eating paint chips
off the windowsills...
315
00:16:39,944 --> 00:16:42,989
"and licking dust
off the tops of radiators."
316
00:16:43,072 --> 00:16:45,616
That part was easy.
Then I got really carried away.
317
00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:47,619
You know,
paper clips, plastic forks...
318
00:16:47,702 --> 00:16:50,997
Kleenex, Naugahyde.
- An epicure! Good!
319
00:16:51,081 --> 00:16:53,083
I think I can arrange
a loaf of bread...
320
00:16:53,125 --> 00:16:55,377
a jug of water,
and thou licking the floor...
321
00:16:55,460 --> 00:16:57,337
of maximum solitary.
322
00:16:57,421 --> 00:17:01,008
I'm impressed. You have
quite a way with words.
323
00:17:01,092 --> 00:17:02,927
One would think you'd be
thought of around here...
324
00:17:02,969 --> 00:17:05,096
as a poet instead of
an ignorant, puffed-up...
325
00:17:05,138 --> 00:17:06,639
smidgen of blowfish shit.
326
00:17:14,147 --> 00:17:17,526
A self-destructive need
to defy authority.
327
00:17:17,609 --> 00:17:20,154
Now that's convincing.
328
00:17:20,237 --> 00:17:23,157
Come to think of it,
Joliet isn't really...
329
00:17:23,199 --> 00:17:25,284
the right environment for you.
330
00:17:25,326 --> 00:17:29,539
You require something
more specialized.
331
00:17:29,623 --> 00:17:32,584
They've got
this endorphin research...
332
00:17:32,667 --> 00:17:35,087
going on
at Stateville Sanitarium.
333
00:17:35,170 --> 00:17:37,715
Research? That's very exciting!
334
00:17:37,798 --> 00:17:40,468
Plenty of long needles
and heavy sedation.
335
00:17:40,509 --> 00:17:41,636
Trouble is...
336
00:17:41,719 --> 00:17:45,056
they need maximum-risk
psychopathic patients.
337
00:17:45,139 --> 00:17:47,851
They'll be happy to hear
I found them one.
338
00:17:47,934 --> 00:17:50,478
Where is he?
I'd love to meet him.
339
00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:53,106
A subject
for all those experiments...
340
00:17:53,190 --> 00:17:54,983
they want to do on you...
341
00:17:55,025 --> 00:17:58,737
for the rest
of your four-year stretch.
342
00:17:59,780 --> 00:18:00,990
And with you out of my way...
343
00:18:01,032 --> 00:18:02,492
I can take my vacation
in peace.
344
00:18:09,875 --> 00:18:13,879
Lopez is screaming his head off
in solitary.
345
00:18:13,962 --> 00:18:15,381
Don't go away.
346
00:18:15,422 --> 00:18:17,424
I'm not quite finished with you.
347
00:18:58,302 --> 00:18:59,971
May I speak to Dr. Baird,
please?
348
00:19:00,054 --> 00:19:01,430
This is Dr. Baird.
349
00:19:01,514 --> 00:19:04,225
I hope you don't mind.
I'm using my speaker phone.
350
00:19:04,309 --> 00:19:05,685
Not at all.
This is Harvey Michaels.
351
00:19:05,769 --> 00:19:07,354
I'm the attorney
for the Greater Los Angeles...
352
00:19:07,437 --> 00:19:08,980
Neuro-Psychiatric Society.
353
00:19:09,064 --> 00:19:11,817
I'm calling on behalf
of Dr. George Maitlin.
354
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:13,026
Never heard of him.
355
00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:15,237
Didn't you do
your doctoral thesis...
356
00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:18,282
on Maitlin's theory
of psychocerebral equilibrium?
357
00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:22,954
Oh, that Maitlin.
How is the old fraud?
358
00:19:23,037 --> 00:19:24,873
Dr. Maitlin had to leave
suddenly for Europe...
359
00:19:24,956 --> 00:19:26,207
and he asked me to find
a replacement for him...
360
00:19:26,291 --> 00:19:27,417
while he was away.
361
00:19:27,459 --> 00:19:30,087
What kind of money
are we talking about here?
362
00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:32,256
Let's just say
that Dr. Maitlin...
363
00:19:32,339 --> 00:19:34,133
has about
the most successful practice...
364
00:19:34,216 --> 00:19:35,342
in Southern California.
365
00:19:35,426 --> 00:19:36,761
I don't like
that word "about"...
366
00:19:36,844 --> 00:19:38,596
especially when
we're talking about money.
367
00:19:38,679 --> 00:19:40,598
Could you volunteer
a few numbers?
368
00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:43,852
I'd say Dr. Maitlin
makes in the vicinity of--
369
00:19:43,935 --> 00:19:46,771
give or take a few dollars--
a million a year.
370
00:19:46,855 --> 00:19:49,691
Are you there, doctor?
371
00:19:49,775 --> 00:19:52,611
I'm here, Harvey,
but I'm coming there.
372
00:19:52,694 --> 00:19:56,157
Great! When can you start?
- ls tomorrow too late?
373
00:19:56,198 --> 00:19:58,034
I need to get released
from a few things.
374
00:19:58,117 --> 00:19:59,577
He'll be here tomorrow.
375
00:19:59,660 --> 00:20:02,330
Shouldn't we tell him
about the radio show?
376
00:20:02,413 --> 00:20:04,290
I don't want to scare him off.
He's perfect.
377
00:20:04,332 --> 00:20:07,127
Greedy and dumb--
my favorite combination.
378
00:20:07,169 --> 00:20:08,879
Are you there?
379
00:20:08,962 --> 00:20:10,797
We're all set.
We're all set, Doctor.
380
00:20:10,839 --> 00:20:12,216
I'm going to leave
a ticket for you...
381
00:20:12,299 --> 00:20:14,134
at Continental--
first class, of course.
382
00:20:14,218 --> 00:20:15,511
Only way to go!
383
00:20:15,594 --> 00:20:17,972
It'll be a great pleasure
to meet you.
384
00:20:18,014 --> 00:20:19,307
Just call me Larry.
385
00:20:19,390 --> 00:20:21,976
He wants us to call him Larry.
386
00:20:22,018 --> 00:20:23,812
What was that all about?
387
00:20:23,895 --> 00:20:27,107
My future.
Here, get me out of this.
388
00:20:27,190 --> 00:20:29,109
You must be joking.
- Just for five minutes.
389
00:20:29,192 --> 00:20:30,652
But Baird could be back
any second.
390
00:20:30,694 --> 00:20:31,862
That's why we have to hurry.
391
00:20:31,945 --> 00:20:36,367
Gentlemen, aren't you
supposed to be at your station?
392
00:20:36,409 --> 00:20:38,828
Lunch.
- Official break.
393
00:20:38,870 --> 00:20:40,204
That's a new one.
394
00:20:48,422 --> 00:20:50,841
You're stealing
my ambulance pager.
395
00:20:50,883 --> 00:20:53,928
I'm not. I'm redesigning it.
May I have a hairpin, please?
396
00:20:56,180 --> 00:20:58,266
You're such a crook.
397
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,395
Hurry, please!
398
00:21:04,189 --> 00:21:07,859
You didn't know
I was this good with my hands.
399
00:21:07,901 --> 00:21:09,278
Yes, I did.
400
00:21:10,404 --> 00:21:11,572
Hurry!
401
00:21:17,578 --> 00:21:19,372
Dr. Baird's office.
402
00:21:19,414 --> 00:21:22,208
I love you, baby.
403
00:21:26,463 --> 00:21:28,131
Are you planning to escape?
404
00:21:28,215 --> 00:21:30,634
Let's call it
unauthorized egress.
405
00:21:30,718 --> 00:21:32,303
That's where
your pager comes in.
406
00:21:32,386 --> 00:21:34,847
And my hairpin.
- Get that so he can't see it.
407
00:21:37,183 --> 00:21:39,018
Even if you made it
out of the building...
408
00:21:39,102 --> 00:21:41,146
how do you expect
to get past the guard gate?
409
00:21:41,229 --> 00:21:45,525
Well, Robin,
that's where you come in.
410
00:21:45,609 --> 00:21:47,736
I was hoping
that you could park your car...
411
00:21:47,778 --> 00:21:50,280
out front with the keys
above the sun visor?
412
00:21:50,364 --> 00:21:53,617
You're crazy.
- Not according to Dr. Baird.
413
00:22:02,127 --> 00:22:05,255
Any calls?
- It's been very quiet.
414
00:22:09,259 --> 00:22:12,847
Thanks to you
and your little tap dance...
415
00:22:12,930 --> 00:22:15,975
Lopez is now doing
his carrot impression.
416
00:22:19,521 --> 00:22:21,606
You'll be out of here tomorrow.
417
00:22:21,690 --> 00:22:23,441
I sure hope so.
418
00:22:31,575 --> 00:22:33,369
It's all set.
419
00:22:35,163 --> 00:22:36,497
You're excused.
420
00:23:02,651 --> 00:23:04,361
Jack, this is Dr. Baird.
421
00:23:04,444 --> 00:23:06,530
Would you and Phil
please come to my office?
422
00:23:06,613 --> 00:23:07,823
Yes, sir. Right away.
423
00:23:07,906 --> 00:23:09,491
I've been
much too harsh on you...
424
00:23:09,575 --> 00:23:10,701
for these minor infractions.
425
00:23:10,785 --> 00:23:13,496
Come down to my office
immediately.
426
00:23:13,579 --> 00:23:16,040
Baird's off his rocker.
427
00:23:20,128 --> 00:23:23,924
- Security.
Chuck, Jack Watkins here.
428
00:23:24,007 --> 00:23:25,801
What the hell's
going on down there?
429
00:23:25,884 --> 00:23:27,594
Baird's up with
the goddamn catatonics...
430
00:23:27,678 --> 00:23:29,638
and the alarm bells
are going off.
431
00:23:29,722 --> 00:23:31,223
- I don't get any signal
down here.
432
00:23:31,265 --> 00:23:34,268
- They're all turned off.
No, they ain't.
433
00:23:34,352 --> 00:23:35,770
They're ringing.
I can hear 'em.
434
00:23:35,853 --> 00:23:37,856
And Baird's having
a hot-dipped shit fit.
435
00:23:37,939 --> 00:23:41,193
- Nobody's flashing.
Don't tell me goddamn nothing.
436
00:23:41,234 --> 00:23:43,487
Them alarm bells are ringing.
Now get to that main terminal...
437
00:23:43,570 --> 00:23:45,948
and turn off
the main switch right now.
438
00:24:08,806 --> 00:24:10,391
He ain't there.
439
00:24:10,433 --> 00:24:12,268
He gets weirder all the time.
440
00:25:06,952 --> 00:25:08,204
Good evening.
441
00:25:08,287 --> 00:25:10,039
I believe you have
a prepaid ticket for Baird.
442
00:25:11,165 --> 00:25:13,167
B-a-i-r-d? Right?
443
00:25:15,754 --> 00:25:20,550
Dr. Baird?
- Yeah. Doctor. That's me.
444
00:25:20,634 --> 00:25:22,719
I'm that doctor.
That's my ticket.
445
00:25:22,803 --> 00:25:24,471
All set, Dr. Baird.
446
00:25:24,555 --> 00:25:26,682
Your flight will be boarding
at gate seven.
447
00:25:26,765 --> 00:25:29,268
Just what the doctor ordered--
this doctor.
448
00:25:34,065 --> 00:25:36,526
Sir?
- No handcuffs.
449
00:25:36,609 --> 00:25:37,819
Can I have your name, please?
450
00:25:37,903 --> 00:25:41,531
Uh, Baird. Lawrence Baird.
451
00:25:41,615 --> 00:25:43,659
Dr. Lawrence Baird.
452
00:25:43,701 --> 00:25:45,327
Can I offer you anything,
Dr. Baird?
453
00:25:45,369 --> 00:25:48,080
A bag of macadamia nuts,
all your available cheeses...
454
00:25:48,164 --> 00:25:49,999
a dozen raspberries
with creme fraiche...
455
00:25:50,082 --> 00:25:51,542
and a double shot
of Black Bush.
456
00:25:51,626 --> 00:25:53,670
On top of the raspberries?
- No, I'll take it neat.
457
00:25:53,753 --> 00:25:55,380
Neat?
- No ice.
458
00:25:55,463 --> 00:25:59,551
Then the filet mignon--rare--
and the duck and the fish.
459
00:25:59,634 --> 00:26:01,595
Blanket, pillow,
eye shades, a pair of...
460
00:26:05,975 --> 00:26:08,728
So, the guy turns to the lady,
and he says...
461
00:26:08,811 --> 00:26:10,521
"Lady, you look like
a very nice woman.
462
00:26:10,605 --> 00:26:12,899
"Where are you from?"
She says, "I'm from Queens."
463
00:26:12,982 --> 00:26:15,485
He says, "Queens? I'm from
natural parents myself."
464
00:26:15,568 --> 00:26:18,238
Speaking of queens,
you are two genuine queens.
465
00:26:18,321 --> 00:26:19,656
And so are you--just kidding.
466
00:26:19,740 --> 00:26:21,450
Captain, thanks for
letting me sit in your lap.
467
00:26:21,533 --> 00:26:23,494
I felt like an 8-year-old kid.
Really. All right.
468
00:26:24,912 --> 00:26:27,415
Hey! I'm Baird.
469
00:26:27,498 --> 00:26:29,959
I'm Dr. Baird. Where you going?
470
00:26:30,042 --> 00:26:32,921
Hey, you! With the sign!
471
00:26:33,004 --> 00:26:35,090
Luscious one! I'm the man...
472
00:26:35,173 --> 00:26:36,883
you've been waiting for
your whole life.
473
00:26:36,967 --> 00:26:38,927
Aren't you supposed to pick up
Dr. Lawrence Baird?
474
00:26:39,011 --> 00:26:41,513
Yes.
-That's me, Dr. Baird.
475
00:26:41,597 --> 00:26:45,100
I just saw my name
on your sign.
476
00:26:45,184 --> 00:26:47,061
Should I give you
my fingerprint chart?
477
00:26:47,103 --> 00:26:49,355
Do I have to call security?
478
00:26:49,439 --> 00:26:50,857
I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.
479
00:26:50,940 --> 00:26:52,692
I was contacted
by Harvey Michaels.
480
00:26:52,775 --> 00:26:55,737
I'm supposed to be filling in
for Dr. George Maitlin.
481
00:26:59,950 --> 00:27:02,244
You're not what
I was expecting.
482
00:27:02,328 --> 00:27:07,166
I'm just dressed a little
hipper than you thought, huh?
483
00:27:07,250 --> 00:27:08,835
What, this look
hasn't hit L.A.?
484
00:27:08,918 --> 00:27:12,505
It's the newest trend--
inner city funk.
485
00:27:12,589 --> 00:27:16,343
I'm Maitlin's associate,
Dr. Rollins.
486
00:27:16,426 --> 00:27:18,804
Did the plane crash?
Am I in heaven?
487
00:27:18,887 --> 00:27:21,598
I must be dreaming. Pinch me.
Or better yet, I'll pinch you.
488
00:27:21,682 --> 00:27:22,808
The car's outside...
489
00:27:22,892 --> 00:27:24,101
so if you'll give me
your claim checks...
490
00:27:24,143 --> 00:27:25,811
I'll have your bags picked up.
491
00:27:25,895 --> 00:27:28,439
No bags. Mugged in Chicago.
492
00:27:28,523 --> 00:27:29,941
Really?
493
00:27:30,024 --> 00:27:31,776
Right in long-term parking
at the airport.
494
00:27:31,818 --> 00:27:33,778
Three guys this big.
One had his arm around my neck.
495
00:27:33,820 --> 00:27:35,113
The other
went through my pockets.
496
00:27:35,155 --> 00:27:37,449
And what did the third do?
- He encouraged them.
497
00:27:38,617 --> 00:27:41,036
Trees suffer, too...
498
00:27:41,120 --> 00:27:44,540
palm, elm,
oleander, eucalyptus.
499
00:27:44,623 --> 00:27:48,044
You ladies care to save
the eucalypti?
500
00:27:48,127 --> 00:27:50,547
Listen to
the high-frequency sounds...
501
00:27:50,630 --> 00:27:53,258
they make
when they're being cut!
502
00:27:53,341 --> 00:27:56,553
I'd like you to meet
Oscar Hendricks.
503
00:27:56,636 --> 00:28:00,516
He's the station manager and
producer of your radio show.
504
00:28:00,599 --> 00:28:01,809
Radio show?
505
00:28:01,850 --> 00:28:04,353
Welcome to L.A., Doctor.
Where's your luggage?
506
00:28:04,437 --> 00:28:05,855
Dr. Baird has no luggage.
507
00:28:05,938 --> 00:28:08,524
We can go straight
to the Bel Air.
508
00:28:08,608 --> 00:28:09,817
Excuse us.
- Doctor?
509
00:28:09,859 --> 00:28:13,697
Sir? You hear that noise?
510
00:28:13,780 --> 00:28:15,907
Those are
ultrahigh frequency sounds...
511
00:28:15,991 --> 00:28:17,409
made by ivy weeping...
512
00:28:17,492 --> 00:28:21,997
during a cross-pollination
experimentation at U.C. Davis.
513
00:28:22,081 --> 00:28:24,166
Who speaks for horticulture?
514
00:28:24,250 --> 00:28:27,128
- Doctor, you certainly--
Look, ease up on me, pal.
515
00:28:27,211 --> 00:28:29,172
I'm just beginning
to enjoy my jet lag.
516
00:28:29,214 --> 00:28:30,965
I know you're busy.
517
00:28:31,049 --> 00:28:33,718
Only God can make a tree,
but only you can spare one.
518
00:28:33,802 --> 00:28:35,220
My friend,
I think at this juncture...
519
00:28:35,262 --> 00:28:36,680
I should explain something
to you.
520
00:28:36,722 --> 00:28:39,350
I was born in a lovely
little Midwestern town--
521
00:28:39,391 --> 00:28:41,352
Webster City, lowa.
Maybe you know it.
522
00:28:41,393 --> 00:28:44,230
Lived on a quiet street,
beautiful little white house.
523
00:28:44,313 --> 00:28:45,690
Outside my bedroom window...
524
00:28:45,731 --> 00:28:48,276
there was a spectacular,
huge, giant elm tree.
525
00:28:48,359 --> 00:28:50,153
One night,
there was a fierce hailstorm.
526
00:28:50,236 --> 00:28:52,030
That tree was hit by lightning
and fell.
527
00:28:52,072 --> 00:28:56,577
Took out half the house
and killed my puppy Dwayne.
528
00:28:56,660 --> 00:29:00,873
Ever since then, no plant
has been a friend of mine.
529
00:29:00,915 --> 00:29:03,376
Wait a second, Doctor.
Wait a second.
530
00:29:03,417 --> 00:29:06,504
Those pants look familiar.
That stripe down there--
531
00:29:06,587 --> 00:29:07,880
Of course
they look familiar to you...
532
00:29:07,922 --> 00:29:10,050
if you've got a subscription
to "Gentlemen's Quarterly."
533
00:29:10,133 --> 00:29:12,761
And incidentally, they grind up
twenty-five maples...
534
00:29:12,844 --> 00:29:14,096
for the September issue.
535
00:29:14,179 --> 00:29:15,889
Did you hear that, everybody?
536
00:29:15,931 --> 00:29:19,226
A doctor who won't help
his little green friends.
537
00:29:19,310 --> 00:29:22,396
Don't you know
that no man is so tall...
538
00:29:22,438 --> 00:29:23,981
as when he stoops
to pet a plant?
539
00:29:24,065 --> 00:29:27,819
I'm sorry.
You'll have to keep moving.
540
00:29:27,902 --> 00:29:30,405
I'm sorry.
- This is police brutality!
541
00:29:30,488 --> 00:29:33,617
How does it feel
to be uprooted?
542
00:29:33,700 --> 00:29:35,827
Put me down!
543
00:29:35,911 --> 00:29:37,663
Let go of me, will you?
544
00:29:37,746 --> 00:29:40,583
How long have you been
a policeman? Help!
545
00:29:40,624 --> 00:29:42,084
Help! Police brutality!
546
00:29:42,126 --> 00:29:43,336
Is this really necessary?
547
00:29:43,419 --> 00:29:47,757
All of a sudden, the rich
Beverly Hills doctor cares.
548
00:29:47,841 --> 00:29:48,967
Isn't that touching?
549
00:29:49,050 --> 00:29:50,468
Do you want to press charges?
550
00:29:50,552 --> 00:29:53,555
You bet I do.
This man's a menace to society.
551
00:29:53,638 --> 00:29:55,098
All right. Come on.
552
00:29:55,140 --> 00:29:56,767
What did you think
about his display...
553
00:29:56,809 --> 00:30:00,104
of negative delusionary
fixations about plant life?
554
00:30:00,187 --> 00:30:02,523
I believe in
the secret life of plants.
555
00:30:02,607 --> 00:30:04,984
In fact,
I consulted on that book.
556
00:30:05,068 --> 00:30:07,278
So where are they gonna
take him, anyway?
557
00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:10,532
If he's lucky,
L.A. County Psychiatric.
558
00:30:10,615 --> 00:30:12,617
He's not crazy.
559
00:30:12,701 --> 00:30:15,537
That's a pretty speedy
diagnosis, Doctor.
560
00:30:15,621 --> 00:30:17,873
Antisocial behavior
just happens to be...
561
00:30:17,957 --> 00:30:19,375
my professional specialty.
562
00:30:19,458 --> 00:30:23,963
You have lunch with Michaels
at the hotel at 12:00.
563
00:30:24,046 --> 00:30:26,633
That's good, because
there's nothing in here.
564
00:30:26,674 --> 00:30:28,510
Well, I didn't expect
you wanted anything...
565
00:30:28,593 --> 00:30:30,220
at nine o'clock in the morning.
566
00:30:30,303 --> 00:30:32,514
You forgot.
It's later back east.
567
00:30:35,934 --> 00:30:37,353
Well, after lunch--
568
00:30:37,436 --> 00:30:38,562
What's the number at the hotel?
569
00:30:38,646 --> 00:30:41,148
What?
- What's the number of the hotel?
570
00:30:41,232 --> 00:30:42,900
472-1 21 1!
571
00:30:42,984 --> 00:30:46,196
Turned out to be
just your old gym socks.
572
00:30:46,279 --> 00:30:48,907
Then at 3:30,
you'll be at the radio station!
573
00:30:48,990 --> 00:30:51,827
Is it like a panel show--
me with a bunch other doctors?
574
00:30:51,910 --> 00:30:53,453
It's a call-in show...
575
00:30:53,537 --> 00:30:54,746
Mondays, Wednesdays,
and Fridays.
576
00:30:54,830 --> 00:30:56,248
...vending-machine photo
of you and Sally...
577
00:30:56,332 --> 00:31:00,544
and a partially used box
of Mentor condoms.
578
00:31:00,628 --> 00:31:02,088
My favorite brand.
579
00:31:02,171 --> 00:31:04,132
It made me proud to think
that my son...
580
00:31:04,215 --> 00:31:06,593
is one of those people
who can have his cake...
581
00:31:06,676 --> 00:31:09,846
and eat it, too.
Son, I'm proud of you.
582
00:31:09,930 --> 00:31:13,350
And I'm proud
of your choice of condoms.
583
00:31:13,392 --> 00:31:14,518
Love, Dad.
584
00:31:14,601 --> 00:31:16,353
This is Dr. Baird.
585
00:31:16,437 --> 00:31:18,105
I'll be checking in shortly,
and I wondered...
586
00:31:18,189 --> 00:31:21,025
if could you send
some things to my room?
587
00:31:21,108 --> 00:31:25,238
Well, how about a case
of Millers, ice cold...
588
00:31:25,321 --> 00:31:28,617
and a pound of Beluga caviar.
589
00:31:28,700 --> 00:31:32,371
Do you think one pound of
caviar will be enough, Doctor?
590
00:31:32,412 --> 00:31:34,832
Maybe you're right. Make that
two pounds of caviar...
591
00:31:34,915 --> 00:31:36,542
and throw in some cheese puffs.
592
00:31:42,507 --> 00:31:44,259
- What are those
big white things?
593
00:31:44,342 --> 00:31:47,095
They're swans.
They belong to the hotel.
594
00:31:47,178 --> 00:31:48,597
- Are they dangerous?
Hardly.
595
00:31:48,680 --> 00:31:52,226
- That's right,
and a pair of shoes, size ten.
596
00:31:52,309 --> 00:31:55,271
10 1/2 "D" wide.
- 10 1/2 "D" wide.
597
00:31:55,312 --> 00:31:57,606
Boots.
- Make that boots.
598
00:31:57,690 --> 00:31:59,817
With corn pads.
- With corn pads.
599
00:31:59,901 --> 00:32:04,531
And arch supports.
- And arch supports. Thank you.
600
00:32:04,614 --> 00:32:06,700
You know how I like my shirts?
601
00:32:06,783 --> 00:32:08,493
Shirts should match the suits.
602
00:32:08,577 --> 00:32:10,245
You mean a la page.
603
00:32:14,959 --> 00:32:16,252
Exactly.
604
00:32:20,840 --> 00:32:22,091
Excuse me.
605
00:32:22,175 --> 00:32:24,969
Here you go. Thank you.
606
00:32:25,053 --> 00:32:26,596
Why, thank you, sir.
607
00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:28,724
Would you like some caviar?
We've got plenty.
608
00:32:28,807 --> 00:32:30,976
No, thank you.
- All right.
609
00:32:31,059 --> 00:32:33,270
I thought
they took your wallet.
610
00:32:35,564 --> 00:32:37,608
They did,
but when you live in Chicago...
611
00:32:37,692 --> 00:32:39,443
you always keep
a couple of extra bucks...
612
00:32:39,527 --> 00:32:40,778
in your hollowed-out heel.
613
00:32:40,862 --> 00:32:43,615
Well, your clothes will be
delivered before lunch.
614
00:32:43,656 --> 00:32:45,325
Thank you, Doctor.
615
00:32:45,408 --> 00:32:47,118
No trouble, Doctor.
616
00:33:13,606 --> 00:33:14,899
Thank you.
617
00:33:21,072 --> 00:33:22,740
- Lawrence.
Harvey.
618
00:33:22,824 --> 00:33:24,409
My assistant Perry Kovin.
619
00:33:24,492 --> 00:33:25,869
How do you do?
- Dr. Baird.
620
00:33:25,952 --> 00:33:27,788
And here's to
a successful practice, Lawrence.
621
00:33:27,871 --> 00:33:29,998
May I call you Larry?
- Sure.
622
00:33:35,212 --> 00:33:38,883
By the way, Harvey,
how long does this job last?
623
00:33:38,966 --> 00:33:40,927
At least six months.
624
00:33:41,010 --> 00:33:44,848
Six months. That is
a fair chunk of my time.
625
00:33:44,931 --> 00:33:46,600
It could be a little less.
626
00:33:46,683 --> 00:33:48,018
Six months
will cost you half a mil.
627
00:33:48,101 --> 00:33:49,645
I'd like 200 thou up-front.
628
00:33:51,230 --> 00:33:53,232
That's steep.
629
00:33:53,315 --> 00:33:55,276
I'll tell you what.
You go and find...
630
00:33:55,359 --> 00:33:57,069
a psychiatrist
with my qualifications...
631
00:33:57,153 --> 00:33:59,072
who's willing to give up
his practice and come here...
632
00:33:59,155 --> 00:34:01,407
with no guarantees
and no cash up-front.
633
00:34:01,491 --> 00:34:02,617
I'm sure he's out there...
634
00:34:02,701 --> 00:34:04,286
but he probably
doesn't speak English.
635
00:34:04,369 --> 00:34:07,664
Your practice, Larry,
consists of a couple of wards...
636
00:34:07,748 --> 00:34:09,541
of indigent psychotics
and jailbirds.
637
00:34:09,583 --> 00:34:11,085
You don't have
a private practice.
638
00:34:11,126 --> 00:34:12,253
You work for the county...
639
00:34:12,336 --> 00:34:14,130
and drive a Volare
without a radio.
640
00:34:14,213 --> 00:34:19,135
The best year you ever had,
you made, what, 30,000?
641
00:34:19,218 --> 00:34:22,055
We're thinking of offering you
in the neighborhood of...
642
00:34:24,558 --> 00:34:26,017
50,000.
643
00:34:26,101 --> 00:34:28,604
I'm anxious to move out
of that neighborhood.
644
00:34:28,687 --> 00:34:30,397
And frankly, if you could
have gotten somebody else...
645
00:34:30,481 --> 00:34:33,109
you would have grabbed them.
But I'm the one you wanted.
646
00:34:33,192 --> 00:34:36,904
And now you don't want me,
so, fine. I'm histoire.
647
00:34:36,946 --> 00:34:39,073
I think we all want
to make this work.
648
00:34:39,115 --> 00:34:41,076
I'll just have
to call Dr. Maitlin.
649
00:34:41,117 --> 00:34:43,078
After all, it's his money.
650
00:34:45,664 --> 00:34:47,416
You talk to him.
651
00:34:48,459 --> 00:34:50,586
No lunch?
652
00:34:50,669 --> 00:34:53,923
I have a broadcast to do...
maybe.
653
00:34:54,006 --> 00:34:56,092
And you have an important
phone call to make.
654
00:34:56,175 --> 00:34:58,136
So, ciao, now.
655
00:35:07,479 --> 00:35:08,678
Vera...
656
00:35:11,650 --> 00:35:14,570
I have something
to confess to you.
657
00:35:14,654 --> 00:35:16,572
I've done something wrong.
658
00:35:16,656 --> 00:35:19,075
I can't keep it inside anymore.
659
00:35:19,159 --> 00:35:22,037
Did you eat
all of the cucumber sandwiches?
660
00:35:25,207 --> 00:35:26,312
No, Vera.
661
00:35:28,210 --> 00:35:32,089
The reason I may or may not
have had a nervous breakdown...
662
00:35:32,173 --> 00:35:35,593
and may have subconsciously
tried to kill myself--
663
00:35:35,676 --> 00:35:38,596
not that I'm saying I did--
664
00:35:38,680 --> 00:35:42,100
is because of the incredible
guilt that I felt...
665
00:35:42,184 --> 00:35:48,065
for the absolutely despicable
act that I have committed.
666
00:35:48,148 --> 00:35:49,859
What is it?
667
00:35:49,942 --> 00:35:52,903
I had sex
with one of my patients.
668
00:35:52,987 --> 00:35:54,572
Excuse me?
669
00:35:57,909 --> 00:36:01,830
I--I had sex with a patient.
670
00:36:01,872 --> 00:36:03,832
I'm sorry?
671
00:36:05,417 --> 00:36:08,045
I had sex with a patient!
672
00:36:08,128 --> 00:36:10,506
You had sex
with one of your patients?
673
00:36:27,212 --> 00:36:28,525
- Dr. Maitlin ?
674
00:36:28,776 --> 00:36:30,611
Phone call for you, sir.
675
00:36:36,805 --> 00:36:38,953
Hello.
- Hi, George, it's Harvey.
676
00:36:39,120 --> 00:36:41,373
What do you want?
- We have to talk.
677
00:36:41,456 --> 00:36:44,418
This isn't a good time.
What is it?
678
00:36:45,502 --> 00:36:47,212
What's a Baird?
679
00:36:47,254 --> 00:36:48,839
Lawrence Baird,
the guy from Chicago...
680
00:36:48,923 --> 00:36:51,133
who's taking over for you.
He's being tough.
681
00:36:51,217 --> 00:36:52,426
He wants 200,000 up-front.
682
00:36:52,510 --> 00:36:55,388
I will not be held up
for $200,000 up-front.
683
00:36:55,430 --> 00:36:58,767
George, darling,
put on your thinking cap.
684
00:36:58,850 --> 00:37:00,602
You want me to shut down
your practice?
685
00:37:00,685 --> 00:37:03,188
You want your radio patients
tuning to another station?
686
00:37:03,272 --> 00:37:05,566
Now, come on, buddy. Be smart.
687
00:37:05,649 --> 00:37:07,735
Get a receipt.
688
00:37:07,860 --> 00:37:11,822
These are the sales offices.
Hi, Charlie.
689
00:37:11,864 --> 00:37:13,074
I'm back.
690
00:37:13,116 --> 00:37:14,701
Say, what is this guy
Maitlin, anyway--
691
00:37:14,784 --> 00:37:16,411
some kind of
a road-company Dr. Ruth?
692
00:37:16,453 --> 00:37:17,579
You'll see.
693
00:37:17,662 --> 00:37:20,665
Welcome. Nice to see you again.
694
00:37:20,749 --> 00:37:23,919
Now, had a nice lunch?
- Yeah, sure.
695
00:37:24,002 --> 00:37:25,963
Let me fill you in
with the details.
696
00:37:26,046 --> 00:37:27,798
The program runs two hours...
697
00:37:27,882 --> 00:37:29,675
and there are
twelve commercial breaks.
698
00:37:29,759 --> 00:37:31,010
Now, if you'll
sit down over here--
699
00:37:31,093 --> 00:37:33,304
Oscar, just a sec.
Excuse me for a second.
700
00:37:34,430 --> 00:37:36,433
Gentlemen, where's my money?
701
00:37:36,516 --> 00:37:37,892
It's being transferred
from Switzerland.
702
00:37:37,976 --> 00:37:39,686
It's just gonna take
a couple of days.
703
00:37:39,769 --> 00:37:41,480
Forty-eight hours, then?
- Great.
704
00:37:41,563 --> 00:37:43,774
Well, I'm going to need
some walking-around money.
705
00:37:43,816 --> 00:37:46,068
We heard about the mugging.
OK, so I'll send...
706
00:37:46,151 --> 00:37:47,611
what, a couple hundred
to the hotel ?
707
00:37:47,695 --> 00:37:51,657
I was thinking more like
a couple of thousand.
708
00:37:51,699 --> 00:37:53,493
Just to walk around?
709
00:37:53,576 --> 00:37:56,579
Gentlemen, when I feel
a lack of support...
710
00:37:56,663 --> 00:38:00,459
something very, very strange
happens to my larynx!
711
00:38:00,500 --> 00:38:02,127
And if that happens,
I will not be able to help...
712
00:38:02,169 --> 00:38:04,171
all those troubled people
out there in radioland.
713
00:38:04,213 --> 00:38:07,466
So we'd better arrange--
thank--thank you.
714
00:38:07,550 --> 00:38:09,343
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
715
00:38:09,427 --> 00:38:10,887
And now from
the Palm Garden room...
716
00:38:10,970 --> 00:38:12,847
high atop
the Knickerbocker Hotel...
717
00:38:12,930 --> 00:38:15,892
it's the sound
of the Jack Hilton Orchestra.
718
00:38:15,975 --> 00:38:19,354
The love boat, a good train,
a bad dog, a beautiful girl.
719
00:38:19,438 --> 00:38:21,023
Tonight on "MacGyver."
720
00:38:21,106 --> 00:38:22,858
Now, what does
all this stuff do?
721
00:38:22,941 --> 00:38:25,653
Now, the most important thing
is the dump button.
722
00:38:25,736 --> 00:38:27,530
You're on a seven-second delay.
723
00:38:27,613 --> 00:38:29,198
Anyone gets too vulgar
or intimate...
724
00:38:29,282 --> 00:38:31,325
you press the button,
and it cuts them off the air.
725
00:38:31,409 --> 00:38:32,535
These are neat.
726
00:38:32,619 --> 00:38:34,537
They're just
special-effects buttons.
727
00:38:34,621 --> 00:38:36,873
Now, you've got
three commercials to read...
728
00:38:36,957 --> 00:38:39,710
and they're numbered here,
and they're laid out for you.
729
00:38:39,793 --> 00:38:41,712
When she goes like this...
730
00:38:41,795 --> 00:38:43,797
that means
the commercial break...
731
00:38:43,881 --> 00:38:45,716
and that's when you read
the commercials.
732
00:38:45,799 --> 00:38:47,718
And please,
put this in your ear.
733
00:38:47,802 --> 00:38:50,513
I know you're gonna be
brilliant. I'm so excited!
734
00:38:50,596 --> 00:38:52,724
I wouldn't put it
anywhere else.
735
00:38:54,142 --> 00:38:56,144
You're beautiful, Hendricks.
Don't ever change, babe.
736
00:38:56,227 --> 00:38:58,605
Welcome to "Mind Your Mind"--
737
00:38:58,688 --> 00:39:00,357
the program that invites you...
738
00:39:00,440 --> 00:39:02,359
the radio audience,
to phone in...
739
00:39:02,443 --> 00:39:05,029
and discuss your problems
with qualified psychiatrists.
740
00:39:05,070 --> 00:39:08,074
Today, substituting
for Dr. George Maitlin...
741
00:39:08,115 --> 00:39:10,535
Dr. Lawrence Baird.
742
00:39:14,414 --> 00:39:16,291
Hi, everybody.
743
00:39:16,374 --> 00:39:19,252
Hi. This is Dr. Baird,
and you're on the air.
744
00:39:19,336 --> 00:39:23,465
We've got our first call today
from Palos Verdes--
745
00:39:23,549 --> 00:39:25,926
Scott. Hello, Scott.
You're on the air.
746
00:39:31,349 --> 00:39:33,476
I guess Scott's
not quite ready...
747
00:39:33,560 --> 00:39:35,729
to deal with his problem yet,
so we're gonna give him...
748
00:39:35,812 --> 00:39:38,231
a couple of minutes
and he'll collect his thoughts.
749
00:39:38,273 --> 00:39:41,318
Going on to our next call now
from West Covina--
750
00:39:41,402 --> 00:39:43,362
Ida. Hello, lda.
You're on the air.
751
00:39:43,445 --> 00:39:45,531
- Hello?
752
00:39:45,614 --> 00:39:47,617
Hi there, lda.
What's your problem?
753
00:39:47,700 --> 00:39:51,204
- Well, it's not really
a problem, Dr. Baird.
754
00:39:51,287 --> 00:39:53,248
Then why are you calling?
755
00:39:53,289 --> 00:39:56,084
- Recently,
I met an old school friend.
756
00:39:56,168 --> 00:39:59,379
Let me ask you something.
How old are you?
757
00:39:59,463 --> 00:40:03,592
- Fifty-nine.
Anyway, I ran into this man--
758
00:40:03,676 --> 00:40:05,970
- Just a minute.
759
00:40:06,053 --> 00:40:08,681
- Sweetie, I can't talk now.
I'm on the phone.
760
00:40:08,765 --> 00:40:11,851
What was that there?
Who were you just talking to?
761
00:40:11,935 --> 00:40:13,395
- My daughter.
OK, got it.
762
00:40:13,478 --> 00:40:15,897
- I got the door closed.
Good.
763
00:40:15,981 --> 00:40:20,402
- And when we met,
he was very happy to see me.
764
00:40:20,486 --> 00:40:23,614
- I mean, we hadn't seen
each other in forty years.
765
00:40:23,697 --> 00:40:27,952
- And he told me he thought
I was still beautiful...
766
00:40:27,994 --> 00:40:31,206
- and he wants
to have lunch with me.
767
00:40:31,289 --> 00:40:32,749
That's great. Sounds like fun.
768
00:40:32,832 --> 00:40:35,669
- I said no, naturally,
of course not.
769
00:40:35,752 --> 00:40:40,466
- But after thinking it over,
I mean, it kind of excited me.
770
00:40:40,507 --> 00:40:44,303
You married, lda?
- Very happily, and so is he.
771
00:40:44,345 --> 00:40:46,889
- It's nothing sexual, Dr. Baird.
772
00:40:46,973 --> 00:40:50,185
- Nothing like that.
It just makes me feel young...
773
00:40:50,268 --> 00:40:52,729
- and I guess a little romantic.
774
00:40:52,812 --> 00:40:54,856
Now, what really
goes through your head...
775
00:40:54,940 --> 00:40:56,566
when you think about
having lunch with this man?
776
00:40:56,650 --> 00:40:57,860
Just off the top?
777
00:40:57,943 --> 00:41:00,946
- A nice time--
maybe flowers on the table...
778
00:41:01,030 --> 00:41:02,323
- glasses of wine.
779
00:41:02,406 --> 00:41:05,034
Now, come on. What are you
really thinking about?
780
00:41:05,117 --> 00:41:08,204
- I guess it's
a lot of flattery, too.
781
00:41:08,288 --> 00:41:09,497
Come on.
782
00:41:09,539 --> 00:41:12,167
You're thinking
penis and vagina here, right?
783
00:41:12,250 --> 00:41:13,460
- What?
784
00:41:13,543 --> 00:41:15,128
Maybe he throws you on
the table, spills the wine...
785
00:41:15,212 --> 00:41:17,548
knocks over the flowers,
and you do it right there?
786
00:41:17,631 --> 00:41:20,509
- lt would ruin my marriage.
Right, but what do you care?
787
00:41:20,551 --> 00:41:22,178
Some hot sex in the afternoon.
788
00:41:22,219 --> 00:41:24,096
When was the last time
you had it? It'd be worth it.
789
00:41:24,180 --> 00:41:25,556
- Absolutely not.
I love my husband.
790
00:41:25,640 --> 00:41:28,601
- I want my marriage.
I was just talking about lunch.
791
00:41:28,685 --> 00:41:31,021
Bullshit! You were not
talking about lunch.
792
00:41:31,062 --> 00:41:32,898
You're talking about hot...
793
00:41:32,981 --> 00:41:34,941
sweaty bodies
in a steaming, humping mass.
794
00:41:35,025 --> 00:41:36,944
- Well, l--you see, l--
795
00:41:37,027 --> 00:41:39,613
Look, the point is,
it's OK to fantasize.
796
00:41:39,697 --> 00:41:41,657
But you just have to be aware
that sometimes...
797
00:41:41,740 --> 00:41:43,868
these hidden feelings can
come up out of your psyche...
798
00:41:43,951 --> 00:41:45,953
and kick you in the ass
when you least expect it, OK?
799
00:41:46,037 --> 00:41:49,207
- Yes, Doctor. Thank you.
800
00:41:49,249 --> 00:41:52,878
We're on the air
with Dr. Lawrence Baird...
801
00:41:52,919 --> 00:41:55,047
and we're going to take a break
for a commercial now.
802
00:41:55,130 --> 00:41:57,090
"A public service message
from the National...
803
00:41:57,174 --> 00:42:00,177
"Hang Gliding Club President's
Memorial Foundation.
804
00:42:00,261 --> 00:42:02,221
"Hang gliding is a fun sport...
805
00:42:02,263 --> 00:42:03,723
"but sometimes
accidents happen.
806
00:42:03,764 --> 00:42:05,099
"lf you have a loved one...
807
00:42:05,183 --> 00:42:06,976
"whose wings may have
folded up in mid-soar...
808
00:42:07,060 --> 00:42:08,478
"The National Hang Gliding
Club President's...
809
00:42:08,561 --> 00:42:11,106
"Memorial Foundation
can help with counseling...
810
00:42:11,189 --> 00:42:13,066
"and discounts
on new replacement equipment.
811
00:42:13,150 --> 00:42:17,613
"Call the N.H.G.C.P.M.F.
at 1-800-BlG-FALL."
812
00:42:21,033 --> 00:42:23,119
Everything's going swimmingly.
813
00:42:23,202 --> 00:42:24,620
Good. I'm glad you're happy.
814
00:42:24,704 --> 00:42:26,623
Teensy tadpoles of concern--
815
00:42:26,706 --> 00:42:29,876
you took an awfully long time
with your first caller...
816
00:42:29,959 --> 00:42:33,630
and I think your advice
is a bit too specific.
817
00:42:33,714 --> 00:42:35,757
The references
to penises and vaginas...
818
00:42:35,841 --> 00:42:38,135
should be toned down
just a smidge.
819
00:42:38,218 --> 00:42:40,137
So I should use
alternative terms like...
820
00:42:40,221 --> 00:42:42,181
dick, wang, purple bulb,
midget fireman's helmet...
821
00:42:42,265 --> 00:42:43,850
Iove sausage, and bearded clam?
822
00:42:43,933 --> 00:42:49,439
I mean, this is a conservative
afternoon drive-time show...
823
00:42:49,522 --> 00:42:53,276
and we try to keep things
on an even-keelish level.
824
00:42:53,318 --> 00:42:55,070
Now do you know what I mean?
825
00:42:55,154 --> 00:42:58,782
I guess so. I'm sorry.
826
00:43:01,494 --> 00:43:03,371
Go ahead. You're on the air
with Dr. Lawrence Baird.
827
00:43:03,454 --> 00:43:06,207
The phone lines are jammed.
828
00:43:06,291 --> 00:43:10,212
Oh Dear. Start writing
our apology to the F.C.C.
829
00:43:10,295 --> 00:43:13,465
- So I did it,
and I hate myself for it.
830
00:43:13,507 --> 00:43:15,551
What is this jerk's name?
831
00:43:15,634 --> 00:43:17,177
- I don't want any trouble.
832
00:43:17,261 --> 00:43:18,429
Here's what you do.
833
00:43:18,512 --> 00:43:20,348
Next time that asshole
comes on to you...
834
00:43:20,431 --> 00:43:22,642
you grab the son of a bitch
by the balls...
835
00:43:22,683 --> 00:43:24,978
and give them a good yank.
If that doesn't fix...
836
00:43:25,019 --> 00:43:27,689
his little red pig of a wagon,
you call me...
837
00:43:27,772 --> 00:43:31,234
and I'll come down there
and deal with that fuck.
838
00:43:31,318 --> 00:43:33,320
Next call,
Caroline from Topanga.
839
00:43:33,403 --> 00:43:36,657
Did Baird just say "fuck"?
- I think so.
840
00:43:36,699 --> 00:43:39,160
You can't say "fuck"
on the radio.
841
00:43:39,201 --> 00:43:40,912
Apparently Baird can.
842
00:43:40,995 --> 00:43:43,373
He said "balls," "asshole"...
843
00:43:43,456 --> 00:43:45,083
"son of a bitch,"
and finally "fuck."
844
00:43:45,166 --> 00:43:47,919
We're OK on "balls."
We're iffy on "son of a bitch."
845
00:43:48,003 --> 00:43:49,379
And even "asshole"
is somewhat...
846
00:43:49,462 --> 00:43:51,339
anatomically
potentially forgivable...
847
00:43:51,423 --> 00:43:54,092
But there's
no getting around "fuck."
848
00:43:55,344 --> 00:43:56,762
How many negative calls?
849
00:43:56,845 --> 00:43:59,724
None of them.
They all want to talk to Baird.
850
00:44:01,601 --> 00:44:03,937
Go ahead. You're on the air
with Dr. Lawrence Baird.
851
00:44:04,020 --> 00:44:05,647
We have Yuri from Encino.
Go ahead, Yuri.
852
00:44:05,730 --> 00:44:09,067
Doctor, I have a problem
satisfying my partners.
853
00:44:09,151 --> 00:44:11,737
What business are you in?
- I mean the other ones.
854
00:44:11,820 --> 00:44:13,280
You mean sexual partners.
855
00:44:13,363 --> 00:44:15,616
I mean, just the mention
of the word "sex," and l--
856
00:44:19,161 --> 00:44:21,914
It sounds to me, sitting here
several miles away...
857
00:44:21,998 --> 00:44:24,125
that you have a case
of premature ejaculation--
858
00:44:24,209 --> 00:44:26,169
and a pretty severe one at that.
The first thing I'd suggest...
859
00:44:26,252 --> 00:44:27,587
is not to feel
too bad about it.
860
00:44:27,671 --> 00:44:29,756
It happens to all men
at some point in their lives.
861
00:44:29,840 --> 00:44:31,925
- But mine's been going on
twenty-five years.
862
00:44:32,009 --> 00:44:34,511
- I can't look at a woman.
I can't even think about sex.
863
00:44:39,892 --> 00:44:41,644
- Doctor, it just happened again.
864
00:44:41,728 --> 00:44:44,647
Just calm down now and relax.
865
00:44:44,731 --> 00:44:47,692
Let's try something here.
Think about something...
866
00:44:47,776 --> 00:44:49,945
that could not possibly
arouse you.
867
00:44:50,028 --> 00:44:52,531
For instance...
868
00:44:52,614 --> 00:44:56,035
fixing the transmission
in a 1961 Dodge Shiftomatic.
869
00:44:56,118 --> 00:44:57,453
That's what always
works for me.
870
00:44:57,536 --> 00:45:00,414
I like to mentally
put on my overalls...
871
00:45:00,456 --> 00:45:02,166
take my mechanic's palette...
872
00:45:02,250 --> 00:45:05,336
slide along the floor
under the drive shaft...
873
00:45:05,420 --> 00:45:10,259
pass the universal joint,
grab the joint on the way by...
874
00:45:10,300 --> 00:45:12,594
and wiggle it back and forth,
check it for play.
875
00:45:12,678 --> 00:45:15,514
Then get to the bell housing
and take out your ratchet...
876
00:45:15,598 --> 00:45:18,100
unscrew all the bolts...
877
00:45:18,184 --> 00:45:21,437
and separate the bell housing
from the rest of the apparatus.
878
00:45:21,479 --> 00:45:23,773
And there
you can feel for splines...
879
00:45:23,815 --> 00:45:26,568
and spread the planetary gears.
880
00:45:27,861 --> 00:45:30,614
You are getting
sexually excited...
881
00:45:30,697 --> 00:45:33,951
as I sit here and talk about
transmission repair.
882
00:45:34,034 --> 00:45:36,120
I think you'd better
come down to my office.
883
00:45:36,203 --> 00:45:37,788
I couldn't afford it, Doctor.
884
00:45:37,872 --> 00:45:39,624
If you need to talk,
just come on down...
885
00:45:39,707 --> 00:45:41,042
and we'll talk.
There's no charge.
886
00:45:41,125 --> 00:45:42,585
Really? What's your address?
887
00:45:42,669 --> 00:45:44,963
I just got into town,
and I'm working...
888
00:45:45,046 --> 00:45:46,590
out of the offices
of Dr. George Maitlin...
889
00:45:46,673 --> 00:45:48,633
in Beverly Hills. Come down
and see me. We'll talk.
890
00:45:48,675 --> 00:45:51,345
No charge whatsoever.
Thank you.
891
00:45:51,428 --> 00:45:53,305
I've got everybody
in my control booth here...
892
00:45:53,389 --> 00:45:56,350
signaling me like crazy
for a commercial.
893
00:45:56,434 --> 00:45:58,311
They've got these funny...
894
00:45:58,394 --> 00:46:00,104
desperate looks
on their faces...
895
00:46:00,188 --> 00:46:01,648
Iike it'd be
the end of the world...
896
00:46:01,731 --> 00:46:04,275
if I don't stop
for some silly announcement.
897
00:46:04,359 --> 00:46:06,153
But your problems
are more important.
898
00:46:06,236 --> 00:46:08,030
And if you're like Yuri,
you cannot afford therapy...
899
00:46:08,113 --> 00:46:10,073
come on down and see me
at the offices...
900
00:46:10,157 --> 00:46:11,700
of George Maitlin
in Beverly Hills.
901
00:46:11,784 --> 00:46:13,744
Otherwise,
keep those calls coming...
902
00:46:13,828 --> 00:46:15,538
until they drag me off,
pull the plug...
903
00:46:15,621 --> 00:46:17,123
or everybody in L.A. is cured!
904
00:46:17,248 --> 00:46:19,375
- How was l?
You were fine.
905
00:46:19,459 --> 00:46:23,254
- I wasn't any better than fine?
You were better than fine.
906
00:46:23,338 --> 00:46:25,590
By the way, here's a message...
907
00:46:25,674 --> 00:46:27,884
from someone who didn't
want to talk on the air.
908
00:46:27,968 --> 00:46:29,928
He's a friend of yours
from this morning...
909
00:46:30,012 --> 00:46:31,680
and he knows
where you got your pants.
910
00:46:33,349 --> 00:46:36,811
See? I told you those pants
would be all the rage someday.
911
00:46:40,982 --> 00:46:43,985
Donald Becker. He's
your garden-variety misfit...
912
00:46:44,069 --> 00:46:46,113
in and out of here
every couple of weeks.
913
00:46:46,196 --> 00:46:48,282
He doesn't fit in anywhere--
not in prison...
914
00:46:48,365 --> 00:46:49,950
not here, not on the streets.
915
00:46:50,033 --> 00:46:51,952
So, in other words,
society rotates him.
916
00:46:52,036 --> 00:46:53,496
Dr. Smet, you ever
look around this place...
917
00:46:53,579 --> 00:46:54,705
at these patients and think...
918
00:46:54,789 --> 00:46:56,833
there but
for the grace of God, go l?
919
00:46:56,916 --> 00:46:59,460
We're supposed to study
emotions, not have them.
920
00:46:59,544 --> 00:47:01,129
Spoken like a true healer.
921
00:47:01,212 --> 00:47:04,508
Can I have the Becker
release forms, please?
922
00:47:04,591 --> 00:47:07,469
He's gonna be a little groggy.
We had to sedate him.
923
00:47:07,552 --> 00:47:09,471
Is this the kind of place
where if anything moves...
924
00:47:09,555 --> 00:47:11,724
you whack it with a thousand
mikes of chlortianazine.
925
00:47:11,807 --> 00:47:13,058
My, didn't we get out...
926
00:47:13,100 --> 00:47:15,061
on the wrong side
of the couch this morning?
927
00:47:15,102 --> 00:47:17,397
Here, sign all five copies.
928
00:47:17,480 --> 00:47:19,983
Dr. Baird
has generously given...
929
00:47:20,066 --> 00:47:22,527
his personal guarantee
for Donald Becker.
930
00:47:22,611 --> 00:47:24,196
He'll be released
with his usual...
931
00:47:24,279 --> 00:47:26,448
seven-day maintenance
prescription.
932
00:47:26,531 --> 00:47:29,034
It'll make it much easier
to handle that way.
933
00:47:41,715 --> 00:47:43,258
Thanks.
934
00:47:43,341 --> 00:47:46,261
I got you into this.
Now I'll get you out.
935
00:47:46,345 --> 00:47:50,140
Here's $50. Have a nice life.
You don't have to thank me.
936
00:47:50,224 --> 00:47:53,102
Wait a minute. Where you going?
937
00:47:53,144 --> 00:47:54,854
Mr. Becker,
out there is life's highway.
938
00:47:54,937 --> 00:47:57,440
The farthest journey begins
with a single step...
939
00:47:57,523 --> 00:48:00,026
and I want you as far away
from me as possible.
940
00:48:00,110 --> 00:48:02,279
Fifty bucks
isn't gonna buy me off.
941
00:48:02,362 --> 00:48:05,407
What I know
is worth a lot more than that.
942
00:48:05,490 --> 00:48:06,825
What do you know?
943
00:48:06,909 --> 00:48:08,994
Those pants you were wearing.
944
00:48:09,078 --> 00:48:11,831
Prison issue in Texas,
Arkansas, and lllinois.
945
00:48:11,914 --> 00:48:14,125
I had a friend
who was buried in them.
946
00:48:16,419 --> 00:48:18,254
I knew it, even though...
947
00:48:18,338 --> 00:48:19,798
the son of a bitch
who sold them to me...
948
00:48:19,881 --> 00:48:21,675
swore they were one of a kind.
949
00:48:22,884 --> 00:48:24,428
I don't know.
950
00:48:24,511 --> 00:48:28,140
There's an air about you--
a certain look.
951
00:48:29,642 --> 00:48:32,186
You don't seem like
a doctor to me.
952
00:48:32,269 --> 00:48:34,480
You look like
a malcontent misfit...
953
00:48:34,522 --> 00:48:36,941
who skirted around
society's edges...
954
00:48:37,025 --> 00:48:39,944
and never done shit.
Takes one to know one.
955
00:48:40,028 --> 00:48:42,614
So either you share
the wealth with me...
956
00:48:42,697 --> 00:48:45,200
or you share the cell with me.
957
00:48:49,663 --> 00:48:51,749
You know, I could get used
to a place like this.
958
00:48:51,832 --> 00:48:55,586
Could really,
really mellow out.
959
00:48:55,670 --> 00:48:57,088
Before you get too mellow...
960
00:48:57,171 --> 00:48:58,298
give me the rest
of those drugs.
961
00:48:58,381 --> 00:48:59,674
What are you--
962
00:48:59,716 --> 00:49:03,345
That's my--my pills,
my maintenance dose.
963
00:49:04,972 --> 00:49:06,598
Hope they got cable.
964
00:49:06,682 --> 00:49:09,685
I won't be able to watch
regular TV without drugs.
965
00:49:12,355 --> 00:49:15,024
- Yes, that's a one-way ticket
to Mexico City.
966
00:49:15,108 --> 00:49:16,818
Let me ask you something.
967
00:49:16,901 --> 00:49:20,113
Is there anything more
expensive than first class?
968
00:49:20,196 --> 00:49:22,115
Too bad.
969
00:49:22,199 --> 00:49:24,660
No, leave the departure open.
970
00:49:24,743 --> 00:49:26,912
A flight leaves every night
at 10:00?
971
00:49:26,996 --> 00:49:30,082
I'll leave payment
at the front desk. Ciao.
972
00:49:43,472 --> 00:49:45,057
What's all this stuff about?
973
00:49:45,140 --> 00:49:47,893
You ever heard
of the Klephthes?
974
00:49:47,977 --> 00:49:50,730
What?
- They were my ancestors.
975
00:49:50,813 --> 00:49:53,316
That hardy band
of Greek patriots...
976
00:49:53,399 --> 00:49:56,361
who held the hills
during the Turkish conquest.
977
00:49:56,444 --> 00:49:57,904
They were known
as the Klephthes...
978
00:49:57,988 --> 00:49:59,239
hence, kleptomaniacs.
979
00:49:59,281 --> 00:50:02,242
Their revenge was
taking everything in sight.
980
00:50:02,284 --> 00:50:04,745
You know, my ancestors
were Toro Fecundians.
981
00:50:04,787 --> 00:50:07,957
They had the ability
to smell bullshit a mile away.
982
00:50:17,884 --> 00:50:21,304
Why do I have to come with you?
I could be so happy here.
983
00:50:21,388 --> 00:50:23,432
"A," because
you're in my custody...
984
00:50:23,515 --> 00:50:25,768
"B," I don't trust you,
and "C," the maids refuse...
985
00:50:25,809 --> 00:50:27,520
to clean the room
with you in it.
986
00:50:32,275 --> 00:50:35,111
Are you sure
that this is your office?
987
00:50:36,613 --> 00:50:39,699
- ls that him?
What's going on here, Officer?
988
00:50:39,783 --> 00:50:43,203
Some shrink named Baird offered
free therapy on the radio...
989
00:50:43,287 --> 00:50:44,747
and all these people showed up.
990
00:50:44,830 --> 00:50:47,666
This is a bad dream,
and you're late for Mrs. Guber.
991
00:50:49,251 --> 00:50:50,962
I'm here because I'm
desperately in love with you.
992
00:50:51,003 --> 00:50:53,464
I have been from the moment
we met at the airport.
993
00:50:53,506 --> 00:50:55,675
I could tell I aroused
an emotion in you.
994
00:50:55,759 --> 00:50:58,303
I knew it was only disgust,
but I can build on that.
995
00:50:58,386 --> 00:50:59,846
- Becker.
Will you marry me?
996
00:50:59,930 --> 00:51:02,933
Cease and desist.
Give me five minutes.
997
00:51:03,100 --> 00:51:04,977
Mrs. Guber, I'm afraid...
998
00:51:05,019 --> 00:51:06,604
we're going to have
to reschedule today.
999
00:51:06,687 --> 00:51:08,773
Reschedule? Doctor, please.
1000
00:51:08,856 --> 00:51:10,817
This can't wait.
I need your help now!
1001
00:51:10,858 --> 00:51:13,027
I'm having a power struggle
with my maid...
1002
00:51:13,111 --> 00:51:14,237
and she's winning.
1003
00:51:14,320 --> 00:51:18,033
Any ideas, Dr. Rollins?
- You're the idea man.
1004
00:51:18,116 --> 00:51:20,243
Doctor,
forget about those freebies.
1005
00:51:20,327 --> 00:51:22,037
What about me and Maria?
1006
00:51:22,121 --> 00:51:24,039
We want Baird!
1007
00:51:24,123 --> 00:51:25,833
History teaches us,
among other things...
1008
00:51:25,875 --> 00:51:28,669
that most power struggles are
based on money and/or religion.
1009
00:51:28,711 --> 00:51:30,922
Now, did you have
any religious differences...
1010
00:51:31,005 --> 00:51:32,131
with your maid?
1011
00:51:32,215 --> 00:51:35,135
No. We ironed those out years ago.
- Anybody have a pen?
1012
00:51:36,511 --> 00:51:38,180
Thank you.
1013
00:51:38,263 --> 00:51:40,515
Your five minutes are up.
What are you going to do?
1014
00:51:40,599 --> 00:51:42,976
I know what I'd do
if I were in Chicago.
1015
00:51:43,060 --> 00:51:44,186
What's that?
1016
00:51:44,228 --> 00:51:46,147
I'd take them all
to a ball game.
1017
00:51:46,230 --> 00:51:47,356
Thank you very much,
patients...
1018
00:51:47,398 --> 00:51:49,150
for coming to
our free therapy session today.
1019
00:51:49,233 --> 00:51:51,194
As announced on the radio,
all therapy and treatment...
1020
00:51:51,277 --> 00:51:52,529
today is absolutely free.
1021
00:51:52,612 --> 00:51:54,072
The buses
have been categorized...
1022
00:51:54,155 --> 00:51:56,032
as to particular condition
and ailment.
1023
00:51:56,074 --> 00:51:57,659
All sexual malfunctions
and dysfunctions...
1024
00:51:57,743 --> 00:52:00,162
on bus number one. Penis envy?
1025
00:52:01,580 --> 00:52:03,540
Come on, now. Penis envy?
1026
00:52:03,624 --> 00:52:05,501
Girls, come on. We're
all in this together. Come on.
1027
00:52:05,584 --> 00:52:08,045
Penis envy? On board, please.
Thank you very much.
1028
00:52:08,087 --> 00:52:10,214
Premature ejaculators
and non-ejaculators.
1029
00:52:10,298 --> 00:52:13,551
Now, come on, now.
Premature and non-ejaculators.
1030
00:52:13,593 --> 00:52:14,970
Premature ejaculators,
non-ejaculators...
1031
00:52:15,053 --> 00:52:16,888
and retrograde ejaculators
on board, please.
1032
00:52:18,181 --> 00:52:21,894
Nymphomaniacs.
Don't let me out of your sight.
1033
00:52:21,935 --> 00:52:24,230
Nymphomaniacs,
please come with me.
1034
00:52:24,313 --> 00:52:25,606
Thank you very much.
Bus number five...
1035
00:52:25,690 --> 00:52:28,526
all other forms of
obsessive-compulsive behavior.
1036
00:52:28,609 --> 00:52:31,905
And bus number six,
schizophrenics.
1037
00:52:31,946 --> 00:52:33,156
Actually, schizophrenics...
1038
00:52:33,239 --> 00:52:34,908
you get to choose
between one and six...
1039
00:52:34,991 --> 00:52:36,743
and bus number six,
all others, please.
1040
00:52:36,785 --> 00:52:38,412
All right, Doctor.
We're all set.
1041
00:52:38,495 --> 00:52:40,038
We're playing New York
at one o'clock.
1042
00:52:40,122 --> 00:52:42,249
I got you
280 bleacher section seats...
1043
00:52:42,291 --> 00:52:44,043
and the buses are prepaid...
1044
00:52:44,126 --> 00:52:45,586
and here's the microphone
you asked for.
1045
00:52:45,628 --> 00:52:49,215
Great job.
Why don't you join us?
1046
00:52:49,298 --> 00:52:50,592
No, thank you.
1047
00:52:50,675 --> 00:52:53,011
Come on. I got a section
reserved here on the special...
1048
00:52:53,094 --> 00:52:55,722
just for people who have
a compulsive need to brown-nose.
1049
00:52:55,806 --> 00:52:57,933
Brown-nose!
1050
00:52:57,975 --> 00:53:00,310
Relax.
Take a load off those knees.
1051
00:53:03,439 --> 00:53:07,276
All abo-o-o-oard!
1052
00:53:07,360 --> 00:53:09,028
Guy goes to a shrink.
1053
00:53:09,112 --> 00:53:11,072
Says, "Last night,
I dreamt I was a wigwam.
1054
00:53:11,156 --> 00:53:12,699
"Night before,
I dreamt I was a tepee.
1055
00:53:12,782 --> 00:53:14,451
"What's it all mean?"
Shrink says...
1056
00:53:14,534 --> 00:53:17,287
"It's very simple.
It means you're two tents."
1057
00:53:17,329 --> 00:53:18,831
Get it? Tense!
1058
00:53:18,914 --> 00:53:21,292
You're a beautiful audience--
absolutely fantastic.
1059
00:53:21,375 --> 00:53:25,630
He's brilliant, or he's a fool.
One or the other.
1060
00:53:25,671 --> 00:53:26,964
We'll try to work through
your problems here today...
1061
00:53:27,048 --> 00:53:29,259
and see what we can do,
see if we can help each other.
1062
00:53:29,342 --> 00:53:31,469
Who's first?
1063
00:53:31,553 --> 00:53:33,430
Here's a lady. All right.
Where are you from?
1064
00:53:33,513 --> 00:53:35,974
Susan, from Hollywood.
1065
00:53:36,016 --> 00:53:38,227
From Hollywood.
What's your dream?
1066
00:53:38,310 --> 00:53:41,981
I dreamed recently that
I was crossing Afghanistan...
1067
00:53:42,022 --> 00:53:44,442
wearing nothing but high heels.
1068
00:53:44,525 --> 00:53:46,486
And you were embarrassed?
1069
00:53:46,569 --> 00:53:49,155
The Russians and tanks
went right by me...
1070
00:53:49,239 --> 00:53:51,157
and the Afghan rebels
ignored me.
1071
00:53:51,241 --> 00:53:53,577
But when I got
to the Pakistani border...
1072
00:53:53,660 --> 00:53:55,579
there was
a giant shopping mall...
1073
00:53:55,662 --> 00:53:57,247
called the Karachi Galleria.
1074
00:53:57,331 --> 00:53:59,083
But the parking lot
was empty...
1075
00:53:59,166 --> 00:54:02,378
except for millions of lizards
wearing dark glasses...
1076
00:54:02,461 --> 00:54:05,006
and one of them
looked like Barbara Walters.
1077
00:54:05,089 --> 00:54:07,675
They were eating
tiny, little Haagen-Dazs...
1078
00:54:07,759 --> 00:54:09,844
ice cream cones being served...
1079
00:54:09,928 --> 00:54:12,389
by a guy
I went to high school with.
1080
00:54:12,472 --> 00:54:15,517
I went inside the mall
to the food fair...
1081
00:54:15,600 --> 00:54:17,644
where the smell
of caramel popcorn...
1082
00:54:17,728 --> 00:54:20,189
and cleaning fluid
so overwhelmed me...
1083
00:54:20,231 --> 00:54:22,233
that I noticed my nakedness...
1084
00:54:22,316 --> 00:54:26,028
Speaking of nuts,
I'm Donald Becker.
1085
00:54:26,112 --> 00:54:29,532
I'm Dr. Laura Rollins.
1086
00:54:29,616 --> 00:54:34,371
You a shrink?
I don't care much for shrinks.
1087
00:54:34,454 --> 00:54:39,585
All that honesty and openness
and truth-telling gets so icky.
1088
00:54:41,128 --> 00:54:43,589
Sometimes the truth is icky.
1089
00:54:48,344 --> 00:54:49,554
I'm Dan Peterson,
head of promotion.
1090
00:54:49,637 --> 00:54:52,265
This is a wonderful thing
you're doing here.
1091
00:54:52,349 --> 00:54:54,351
Thanks for giving us the seats.
1092
00:54:54,393 --> 00:54:55,811
If there's anything else
I can get for you...
1093
00:54:55,894 --> 00:54:57,438
please, don't hesitate to ask.
1094
00:54:57,521 --> 00:54:59,899
There is one thing...
1095
00:54:59,940 --> 00:55:01,901
that I've always wanted
to do at a ball game...
1096
00:55:01,984 --> 00:55:04,028
but--no. Forget it.
1097
00:55:04,111 --> 00:55:06,364
Your wish is our command.
- I can't.
1098
00:55:06,406 --> 00:55:08,283
Sure you can.
- I can?
1099
00:55:08,366 --> 00:55:14,539
The bombs bursting in air
1100
00:55:14,623 --> 00:55:18,210
Gave us proof through the night
1101
00:55:18,294 --> 00:55:20,254
He's been in town
less than thirty-six hours...
1102
00:55:20,337 --> 00:55:22,924
and he's at a ball game
singing the national anthem.
1103
00:55:23,007 --> 00:55:25,593
This guy could be
a goddamn TV star.
1104
00:55:25,677 --> 00:55:28,221
What does a syndicated
shrink show mean to you...
1105
00:55:28,304 --> 00:55:31,057
executive producer Perry Kovin?
1106
00:55:31,141 --> 00:55:35,020
And the home of the brave
1107
00:55:36,980 --> 00:55:46,241
Over here, in the left-field
bleachers, are my patients.
1108
00:55:46,324 --> 00:55:52,497
Please give them
a warm L.A. welcome.
1109
00:55:57,503 --> 00:55:58,963
Thank you.
1110
00:56:04,677 --> 00:56:07,013
Hot dog?
- Thank you, Doctor.
1111
00:56:07,097 --> 00:56:09,599
Hot dog?
- I hate hot dogs.
1112
00:56:11,977 --> 00:56:15,397
Getting cured?
- Not yet, but I'm gonna get it.
1113
00:56:15,481 --> 00:56:18,067
All right. On that note,
I think I'll just continue...
1114
00:56:18,150 --> 00:56:20,319
with my therapeutic ministry.
1115
00:56:20,403 --> 00:56:23,698
Unblock your emotions!
Have a red hot!
1116
00:56:23,781 --> 00:56:25,700
Anorexics, come on.
Don't be afraid!
1117
00:56:25,783 --> 00:56:28,495
Have two or three!
It's all right!
1118
00:56:28,536 --> 00:56:31,915
How are you doing? Very good.
Enjoying the game?
1119
00:56:31,999 --> 00:56:33,625
What other sports do you like?
1120
00:56:36,503 --> 00:56:38,214
Fabulous, wasn't it?
1121
00:56:38,297 --> 00:56:40,341
Sigmund was the first
to deal with mass hysteria.
1122
00:56:40,424 --> 00:56:42,802
I am the first to deal
with mass transit.
1123
00:57:03,574 --> 00:57:07,412
You are the strangest shrink
I've ever met...
1124
00:57:07,495 --> 00:57:10,040
and this is the strangest date
I've ever been on.
1125
00:57:17,423 --> 00:57:20,384
Good afternoon. It's 4:00,
tea time in England...
1126
00:57:20,426 --> 00:57:22,470
and therapy time
here in the Southland.
1127
00:57:22,553 --> 00:57:23,846
I am Dr. Lawrence Baird...
1128
00:57:23,930 --> 00:57:25,390
When was the last time
you saw ratings...
1129
00:57:25,473 --> 00:57:27,017
go up like this in two days?
1130
00:57:27,100 --> 00:57:29,060
He's got something, doesn't he?
1131
00:57:29,102 --> 00:57:31,730
He cares. That's the secret.
It's in his voice.
1132
00:57:31,813 --> 00:57:33,732
You know what that's worth
to an advertiser?
1133
00:57:33,816 --> 00:57:35,109
Absolutely.
1134
00:57:35,192 --> 00:57:37,903
If anyone wants a doughnut
without jelly, they're ready.
1135
00:57:37,987 --> 00:57:39,530
...and recording them
in a diary...
1136
00:57:39,614 --> 00:57:42,575
to analyze
what each drill hit feels like.
1137
00:57:42,617 --> 00:57:45,036
All right. This is
a very, very abnormal problem...
1138
00:57:45,120 --> 00:57:46,746
and certainly the first
we've had on the show.
1139
00:57:46,830 --> 00:57:48,248
I think that immediately
you should seek...
1140
00:57:48,331 --> 00:57:49,583
professional help
and counseling...
1141
00:57:49,666 --> 00:57:51,251
because using an electric
drill on the human skull...
1142
00:57:51,335 --> 00:57:53,587
is something that,
well, we really shouldn't do.
1143
00:57:53,671 --> 00:57:56,340
Next call.
From Torrance, California...
1144
00:57:56,424 --> 00:57:58,134
we have Lucille on the line.
1145
00:57:58,217 --> 00:58:00,094
You're on the air
with Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1146
00:58:00,136 --> 00:58:03,014
- What can I do? My husband,
he's the worst slob.
1147
00:58:03,097 --> 00:58:04,516
- Anything I cook,
no matter what it is...
1148
00:58:04,599 --> 00:58:06,351
- the first thing he says is,
"Do we eat it...
1149
00:58:06,434 --> 00:58:07,686
"or did we eat it?"
1150
00:58:07,769 --> 00:58:10,188
Then what does he do?
- Then what what?
1151
00:58:10,272 --> 00:58:12,900
What does he do?
- He laughs.
1152
00:58:12,983 --> 00:58:15,528
He laughs?
- He learned it in the army.
1153
00:58:15,611 --> 00:58:17,113
- "Do we eat it,
or did we eat it?"
1154
00:58:17,196 --> 00:58:18,614
- I'm ready to bury an ax
in his head, Doctor...
1155
00:58:18,698 --> 00:58:20,491
- and I'm thinking
of buying a gun.
1156
00:58:20,575 --> 00:58:22,535
- I have rat poison
in the house already.
1157
00:58:22,619 --> 00:58:24,079
I know how you feel, Lucille.
1158
00:58:24,162 --> 00:58:26,164
- I can't take it anymore.
I'm not going to be happy...
1159
00:58:26,248 --> 00:58:28,125
- until I see them
taking him out in a body bag.
1160
00:58:28,166 --> 00:58:29,918
- I mean, I want the guy dead.
1161
00:58:30,002 --> 00:58:31,503
In these circumstances...
1162
00:58:31,587 --> 00:58:32,880
I think you have to start
by centering yourself.
1163
00:58:32,963 --> 00:58:34,381
- I'm not going to center myself.
1164
00:58:34,465 --> 00:58:35,883
- Why do I always have
to center myself?
1165
00:58:35,966 --> 00:58:37,927
You got to calm down.
You got any T.M. experience?
1166
00:58:38,010 --> 00:58:39,554
- Let him center himself
right in the cemetery.
1167
00:58:39,637 --> 00:58:42,557
Just start by--
close your eyes--
1168
00:58:42,640 --> 00:58:45,185
Hey, lady, zip it up!
1169
00:58:45,268 --> 00:58:46,478
Now, look at your problem
this way.
1170
00:58:46,520 --> 00:58:47,646
If you knock this guy off...
1171
00:58:47,729 --> 00:58:49,273
how long is your happiness
going to last?
1172
00:58:49,356 --> 00:58:51,608
I mean, is this no-good slob
worth going to jail for?
1173
00:58:51,650 --> 00:58:53,152
- So what should I do?
1174
00:58:53,193 --> 00:58:56,864
For openers,
I'd say stop cooking for him.
1175
00:59:00,368 --> 00:59:01,911
Does it ever stop raining
in London?
1176
00:59:01,995 --> 00:59:03,872
Rain! Rain! Rain!
It's so depressing.
1177
00:59:03,955 --> 00:59:05,749
What was her name?
- Whose name?
1178
00:59:05,832 --> 00:59:06,958
Here you are, Dr. Baird.
1179
00:59:07,042 --> 00:59:08,377
The information packet
for your convention...
1180
00:59:08,460 --> 00:59:10,963
all the events of the 3 days.
I'll show you to your room.
1181
00:59:11,046 --> 00:59:12,673
How many times
do I have to tell you...
1182
00:59:12,756 --> 00:59:14,341
she was a patient!
If I told you her name...
1183
00:59:14,425 --> 00:59:16,719
I'd be breaking the psychiatric
code of confidentiality.
1184
00:59:16,802 --> 00:59:18,304
Don't throw codes at me.
You've committed adultery...
1185
00:59:18,388 --> 00:59:20,849
and you had sex with a patient.
Now what was her goddamn name?
1186
00:59:20,890 --> 00:59:22,183
Is there no end
to this madness?
1187
00:59:22,267 --> 00:59:23,393
I can't tell you!
1188
00:59:23,476 --> 00:59:25,270
I always feel more
comfortable...
1189
00:59:25,353 --> 00:59:26,980
if I can actually
see my luggage.
1190
00:59:27,064 --> 00:59:28,774
Don't worry, sir.
Everything's taken care of.
1191
00:59:28,857 --> 00:59:30,025
I'm sure.
1192
00:59:33,612 --> 00:59:35,364
Give me her first name.
1193
00:59:36,616 --> 00:59:39,035
Then give me the first
initial of her first name.
1194
00:59:39,077 --> 00:59:40,537
This is so immature.
1195
00:59:40,620 --> 00:59:42,080
Then give me one letter
in her first name.
1196
00:59:42,163 --> 00:59:44,207
Aren't I entitled to that?
1197
00:59:44,291 --> 00:59:46,209
"E." Now drop it.
1198
00:59:46,293 --> 00:59:49,838
"E." "E" doesn't tell me
anything. I need a consonant.
1199
00:59:53,467 --> 00:59:55,052
Have you no sense of privacy?
1200
00:59:55,136 --> 00:59:56,387
Christ! You have sex
with a patient...
1201
00:59:56,471 --> 00:59:58,056
and you talk about privacy?
1202
00:59:58,139 --> 01:00:00,058
Am I supposed to tip you,
or is that--
1203
01:00:00,141 --> 01:00:02,185
That's entirely up to you, sir.
1204
01:00:02,268 --> 01:00:04,354
This is worth
how much in American?
1205
01:00:04,437 --> 01:00:06,023
That's about $1.50, sir.
1206
01:00:06,064 --> 01:00:08,734
I'll have to work this out.
1207
01:00:13,614 --> 01:00:14,865
George.
- What ?
1208
01:00:15,074 --> 01:00:17,160
-I've had an affair, too.
1209
01:00:21,039 --> 01:00:22,832
That is so sad.
1210
01:00:22,916 --> 01:00:24,751
I'm a psychiatrist.
I'm trained...
1211
01:00:24,793 --> 01:00:26,753
to see through
these ego defenses.
1212
01:00:26,837 --> 01:00:29,089
You're hurt,
and you're striking back.
1213
01:00:29,131 --> 01:00:32,259
It's all right. I understand.
1214
01:00:32,343 --> 01:00:34,720
Look at me.
1215
01:00:34,762 --> 01:00:37,890
I've had an affair
for the last year and a half.
1216
01:00:44,106 --> 01:00:46,942
Who is he?
- I can't tell you.
1217
01:00:46,984 --> 01:00:50,237
Why?
- He's a friend of yours.
1218
01:00:52,490 --> 01:00:54,450
No friend of mine
would ever sleep with you...
1219
01:00:54,492 --> 01:00:56,452
because, if he did,
I would kill him.
1220
01:00:57,912 --> 01:01:00,248
Now tell me you're lying.
1221
01:01:02,125 --> 01:01:04,127
I'm lying.
1222
01:01:04,586 --> 01:01:06,588
Maitlin? Who's Maitlin?
Forget Maitlin. Maitlin's a bum.
1223
01:01:06,630 --> 01:01:08,090
Already you're wiping him
off the ratings charts.
1224
01:01:08,132 --> 01:01:10,009
I like your loyalty.
- Maitlin's history.
1225
01:01:10,092 --> 01:01:11,927
- Histoire.
You're hot, Larry.
1226
01:01:11,969 --> 01:01:14,013
So, what do you think
of a self-help video series?
1227
01:01:14,096 --> 01:01:16,933
- A doctor diet book.
Please, shut your toilet.
1228
01:01:16,975 --> 01:01:20,687
Although he's got a point.
A shrink's diet book. Why not?
1229
01:01:20,770 --> 01:01:23,482
I got the title:
"Shrink Along With the Shrink."
1230
01:01:23,565 --> 01:01:24,983
Sensational!
1231
01:01:25,067 --> 01:01:28,904
Hardcover's very prestigious,
but the real profit's in paper.
1232
01:01:28,988 --> 01:01:30,656
You might want to--
the rose on that...
1233
01:01:30,740 --> 01:01:32,617
I don't think it's edible.
1234
01:01:32,700 --> 01:01:34,410
What did I tell you?
Has he got a mind?
1235
01:01:34,494 --> 01:01:35,703
We don't want to stop there.
1236
01:01:35,787 --> 01:01:37,956
That thing you did on the buses
was just the beginning.
1237
01:01:37,997 --> 01:01:39,290
Buses seat
eighty-four people...
1238
01:01:39,374 --> 01:01:40,625
even if you rip out
the toilets...
1239
01:01:40,709 --> 01:01:43,545
but ocean liners--
ocean liners hold thousands!
1240
01:01:43,628 --> 01:01:45,172
I figure you get the QE ll...
1241
01:01:45,255 --> 01:01:46,757
you paint a happy face
on the back...
1242
01:01:46,840 --> 01:01:49,134
950 a pop.
What could be so terrible?
1243
01:01:49,176 --> 01:01:52,638
I can see millions.
- I'll settle for my 200,000.
1244
01:01:52,722 --> 01:01:54,640
Cookie money. Cookie money!
1245
01:01:54,724 --> 01:01:56,893
So call me Famous Amos.
1246
01:01:56,976 --> 01:01:58,687
Campari and soda.
1247
01:02:02,149 --> 01:02:03,483
Now, tomorrow night...
1248
01:02:03,567 --> 01:02:04,943
Maitlin's getting
the G.L.A.N.S. award...
1249
01:02:05,027 --> 01:02:06,612
and I want you
to accept it for him.
1250
01:02:06,695 --> 01:02:08,197
Now, don't worry. Before
you step up on the dais...
1251
01:02:08,280 --> 01:02:09,740
the money's
gonna be in your hand.
1252
01:02:09,824 --> 01:02:11,033
And afterwards...
1253
01:02:11,075 --> 01:02:12,869
I'm the toughest negotiator
in the west.
1254
01:02:12,910 --> 01:02:15,872
Ask anybody. Nobody fucks
with Harvey Michaels.
1255
01:02:15,914 --> 01:02:17,957
Excuse me,
I promised the staff...
1256
01:02:18,041 --> 01:02:19,668
I'd help with the dishes
and take out the garbage.
1257
01:02:19,751 --> 01:02:21,128
Then I have to make
a phone call.
1258
01:02:26,884 --> 01:02:30,096
Do you know my friend
had shoulder pad implants?
1259
01:02:30,179 --> 01:02:33,516
ls that the ultimate?
- You're kidding?
1260
01:02:33,599 --> 01:02:35,685
Dr. Glassman
did my uppers and lowers.
1261
01:02:35,768 --> 01:02:37,687
lsn't it great?
- Wonderful!
1262
01:02:37,771 --> 01:02:39,105
- I spent the entire weekend...
1263
01:02:39,189 --> 01:02:40,899
being pounded on
by Madame Wanda.
1264
01:02:40,982 --> 01:02:42,442
- I highly recommend it.
1265
01:02:42,526 --> 01:02:44,903
I had my initials
carved into my leg.
1266
01:02:44,945 --> 01:02:46,196
Who did it?
1267
01:02:46,238 --> 01:02:49,241
I did it myself.
1268
01:02:49,325 --> 01:02:51,744
It's nice.
- Fascinating.
1269
01:02:51,786 --> 01:02:53,246
Hef, nice to see you...
1270
01:02:53,329 --> 01:02:55,456
in somebody else's jacuzzi
for a change.
1271
01:02:59,628 --> 01:03:01,630
Good. I want
to sit down with you...
1272
01:03:01,713 --> 01:03:03,715
and carve out
some long-range objectives.
1273
01:03:03,799 --> 01:03:08,429
I'd never let you work for me.
You're a sleazoid. Ask anybody.
1274
01:03:10,139 --> 01:03:11,933
And he's got integrity.
1275
01:03:12,016 --> 01:03:13,476
Why wouldn't l
just love this man?
1276
01:03:13,559 --> 01:03:15,770
You know I do. I love you.
I do. I love you.
1277
01:03:17,397 --> 01:03:18,607
I love this man!
1278
01:03:18,690 --> 01:03:22,653
He does. He does love you, Larry.
- Oh, good.
1279
01:03:22,736 --> 01:03:24,989
And I'm not embarrassed
to say it. Here.
1280
01:03:25,072 --> 01:03:26,949
Keys to the Maserati.
It's parked outside.
1281
01:03:27,032 --> 01:03:29,452
It's got a cellular phone,
everything.
1282
01:03:29,535 --> 01:03:30,953
These are the keys
to the motor sailor.
1283
01:03:31,037 --> 01:03:32,246
Now take them, use them.
They're yours.
1284
01:03:32,288 --> 01:03:33,414
You've been working too hard.
1285
01:03:33,498 --> 01:03:36,000
You know why I'm lending you
the car and the yacht?
1286
01:03:36,084 --> 01:03:38,086
Because I believe in you.
I believe in you.
1287
01:03:38,170 --> 01:03:39,921
I believe that you do!
1288
01:03:39,963 --> 01:03:42,591
Great!
Have a contract drawn up.
1289
01:03:42,674 --> 01:03:44,134
Contract?
- Now, don't worry.
1290
01:03:44,176 --> 01:03:45,469
It's only for seven years.
1291
01:03:45,511 --> 01:03:46,971
And remember,
a contract's like a marriage.
1292
01:03:47,054 --> 01:03:48,639
You're unhappy,
it's not working out...
1293
01:03:48,723 --> 01:03:50,099
What do we do?
1294
01:03:52,060 --> 01:03:54,479
You know what they say, boys.
1295
01:03:54,521 --> 01:03:57,315
It's unlucky to look upon
the bride before the wedding...
1296
01:03:57,399 --> 01:04:00,444
so I'll catch you guys
at the altar.
1297
01:04:00,485 --> 01:04:02,613
At the altar.
1298
01:04:02,696 --> 01:04:03,864
How about it, girls?
1299
01:04:03,947 --> 01:04:06,575
Want a demonstration
of Archimedes' principle?
1300
01:04:06,659 --> 01:04:08,327
What did he say?
1301
01:04:13,625 --> 01:04:16,002
You know, I had fun tonight.
1302
01:04:17,462 --> 01:04:19,423
I finally found
a place I fit in...
1303
01:04:19,506 --> 01:04:21,925
as well as I do the nut house--
1304
01:04:22,009 --> 01:04:23,677
Beverly Hills.
1305
01:04:44,950 --> 01:04:46,202
What's wrong?
1306
01:04:46,243 --> 01:04:48,830
I have this rumbling
in my gut...
1307
01:04:48,913 --> 01:04:50,873
and these terrible chest pains.
1308
01:04:50,915 --> 01:04:53,251
You ate too much.
1309
01:04:53,334 --> 01:04:55,629
It's not gas. It's trust.
1310
01:04:55,712 --> 01:04:57,672
I'm not used
to trusting anyone.
1311
01:04:57,756 --> 01:04:59,841
It doesn't feel right.
1312
01:05:02,386 --> 01:05:04,180
I had one of the hottest...
1313
01:05:04,221 --> 01:05:07,058
Church of the Gethsemane
franchises in Texas.
1314
01:05:07,141 --> 01:05:10,311
It netted about 1,100 a month
in donations...
1315
01:05:10,395 --> 01:05:12,772
pamphlets, baptisms...
1316
01:05:14,524 --> 01:05:17,527
and then she walked in.
1317
01:05:17,611 --> 01:05:19,571
You're sitting on my covers.
1318
01:05:19,613 --> 01:05:25,995
Long red hair,
short red dress, Nadine.
1319
01:05:26,078 --> 01:05:30,375
She said she played the organ,
and she sure played mine.
1320
01:05:30,416 --> 01:05:32,419
I trusted her,
did everything she told me...
1321
01:05:32,502 --> 01:05:34,004
including
burning down my church...
1322
01:05:34,087 --> 01:05:37,090
and running off with her
and the insurance money.
1323
01:05:37,174 --> 01:05:41,595
Then I woke up alone
on a vibrating bed.
1324
01:05:41,679 --> 01:05:44,598
Nadine was gone for good.
1325
01:05:44,682 --> 01:05:46,934
But she did leave me
a couple of quarters...
1326
01:05:47,018 --> 01:05:48,269
to keep the bed going.
1327
01:05:48,352 --> 01:05:50,605
That's what I got
for trusting her...
1328
01:05:50,688 --> 01:05:53,108
over my own selfish instincts.
1329
01:05:53,191 --> 01:05:54,734
Always a mistake.
1330
01:05:55,861 --> 01:05:58,822
You see,
that's what I like about you.
1331
01:05:58,906 --> 01:06:00,532
You talk straight.
1332
01:06:02,368 --> 01:06:05,121
It's hard not to trust you.
1333
01:06:05,204 --> 01:06:06,706
You'll learn.
1334
01:06:13,129 --> 01:06:15,090
And what do we do when
your refrigerator repairman...
1335
01:06:15,132 --> 01:06:17,593
suddenly cancels
an appointment?
1336
01:06:17,634 --> 01:06:19,261
And when your daughter
borrows your new clothes?
1337
01:06:21,055 --> 01:06:23,099
And when your doctor refuses
to validate for parking?
1338
01:06:25,351 --> 01:06:27,437
The snarl is good, a little bit
more protestation...
1339
01:06:27,478 --> 01:06:29,480
and we'll tack a woof on there,
so what you'd have would be...
1340
01:06:34,361 --> 01:06:36,446
Work on it.
- Thank you, Doctor.
1341
01:06:37,823 --> 01:06:40,534
And I'll be looking forward
to our next session.
1342
01:06:40,618 --> 01:06:41,827
I will, too.
1343
01:06:53,298 --> 01:06:55,133
Neo-Pavlovian
rackoff technique...
1344
01:06:55,175 --> 01:06:56,969
for immediate stress relief.
1345
01:07:06,145 --> 01:07:09,065
I'm Dr. George Maitlin
from Los Angeles.
1346
01:07:09,149 --> 01:07:10,942
Are you registered?
1347
01:07:11,026 --> 01:07:15,197
I saw your sign.
I thought I'd drop by.
1348
01:07:15,238 --> 01:07:18,075
I'll gladly pay
whatever fee is...
1349
01:07:18,158 --> 01:07:20,995
The Paleo-Jungian luncheon
is £10.
1350
01:07:21,078 --> 01:07:23,539
The entire conference
carries a fee of £500...
1351
01:07:23,623 --> 01:07:25,500
which includes
the various lectures...
1352
01:07:25,541 --> 01:07:27,543
and the concept exchange
period.
1353
01:07:30,088 --> 01:07:31,506
I'll take lunch.
1354
01:07:31,548 --> 01:07:33,008
Excuse me. Is this seat taken?
1355
01:07:39,098 --> 01:07:42,476
So, we're two Yanks abroad.
1356
01:07:44,937 --> 01:07:47,023
I saw you and your wife...
1357
01:07:47,106 --> 01:07:49,693
playing a word game
in the elevator.
1358
01:07:53,238 --> 01:07:55,199
Where's your practice?
1359
01:07:59,036 --> 01:08:00,746
L.A.
1360
01:08:07,170 --> 01:08:09,089
Mine's in Chicago.
1361
01:08:18,891 --> 01:08:21,268
You're here
just for the conference?
1362
01:08:21,352 --> 01:08:23,104
I'm here on sabbatical.
1363
01:08:23,146 --> 01:08:27,442
I'm...doing research
on a...new book.
1364
01:08:35,492 --> 01:08:36,702
I'm just here...
1365
01:08:36,785 --> 01:08:38,954
to get out of the grind
of Chicago for a while.
1366
01:08:38,996 --> 01:08:40,915
Are you familiar with Chicago?
1367
01:08:43,584 --> 01:08:45,628
I'm telling you,
Cicero County Hospital...
1368
01:08:45,712 --> 01:08:48,715
has got to be the most
depressing hospital...
1369
01:08:48,798 --> 01:08:50,050
in the history of medicine.
1370
01:08:50,133 --> 01:08:51,802
Did you say
"Cicero County Hospital"?
1371
01:08:53,136 --> 01:08:54,972
Are you familiar
with Dr. Baird?
1372
01:08:55,055 --> 01:08:58,100
That's me. Lawrence Baird.
Glad to meet you.
1373
01:08:58,142 --> 01:09:02,021
What do you mean, "That's me"?
- Dr. Baird. Cicero County.
1374
01:09:02,104 --> 01:09:03,439
You're not Dr. Baird.
1375
01:09:03,481 --> 01:09:05,483
Dr. Baird's
in my office in L.A.
1376
01:09:05,567 --> 01:09:08,612
Excuse me. I think
I ought to know who I am...
1377
01:09:08,653 --> 01:09:11,198
better than you do.
I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1378
01:09:11,281 --> 01:09:12,491
What are you doing here?
1379
01:09:12,532 --> 01:09:14,535
Just what you're doing.
Eating lunch.
1380
01:09:14,618 --> 01:09:18,539
Well, what about my $200,000?
1381
01:09:20,666 --> 01:09:22,794
Here's your parking pass
for the big dinner tonight...
1382
01:09:22,835 --> 01:09:24,587
and your tux has been
delivered to the hotel.
1383
01:09:24,671 --> 01:09:26,214
Watch the phones for me?
1384
01:09:27,716 --> 01:09:29,801
Can I interest you
in some lunch?
1385
01:09:29,843 --> 01:09:32,679
I can't have lunch.
But you can take me to dinner.
1386
01:09:32,763 --> 01:09:39,312
I'd love to, but
I've got this thing tonight.
1387
01:09:39,353 --> 01:09:42,482
Me, too. Why don't you
pick me up at 6:00?
1388
01:09:42,565 --> 01:09:45,318
Sure. I can pick you up,
but then, like, after...
1389
01:09:45,360 --> 01:09:47,028
I don't think
I'm going straight home...
1390
01:09:47,112 --> 01:09:49,489
after the evening's over, so...
1391
01:09:49,531 --> 01:09:52,201
Well, maybe I can
talk you into it.
1392
01:09:53,702 --> 01:09:56,914
1425 North Orange Grove Avenue.
6:00 ?
1393
01:09:56,997 --> 01:09:58,666
I'll see you there.
1394
01:10:12,055 --> 01:10:13,724
ls this a joke?
- Just wait.
1395
01:10:13,807 --> 01:10:15,893
They're ringing my office
in Beverly Hills.
1396
01:10:15,976 --> 01:10:19,355
If Dr. Lawrence Baird answers,
you've got a problem.
1397
01:10:21,858 --> 01:10:23,234
I'm so glad you're here.
1398
01:10:23,276 --> 01:10:26,738
Listen,
I'm tired of this charade.
1399
01:10:26,821 --> 01:10:29,491
Yes ? Hello ? Dr. Baird's office ?
1400
01:10:29,574 --> 01:10:31,243
I have to tell you who it is.
1401
01:10:31,285 --> 01:10:32,411
Is Dr. Baird in ?
1402
01:10:32,494 --> 01:10:33,954
I'm going to kill Michaels!
1403
01:10:34,038 --> 01:10:36,248
When did you find out?
1404
01:10:36,290 --> 01:10:38,292
Just now!
- Who told you?
1405
01:10:38,376 --> 01:10:40,586
Who cares?
Some doctor from Chicago.
1406
01:10:40,628 --> 01:10:41,754
He's telling everybody!
1407
01:10:41,838 --> 01:10:43,590
I thought I was
the only one who knew!
1408
01:10:43,631 --> 01:10:45,091
You knew? How?
1409
01:10:45,133 --> 01:10:49,596
I mean, I was there.
- Where?
1410
01:10:50,764 --> 01:10:53,392
Do I have to give you
all the sordid details?
1411
01:10:53,475 --> 01:10:55,770
You can tell
Dr. Lawrence Baird...
1412
01:10:55,853 --> 01:10:57,605
that Dr. Lawrence Baird called!
1413
01:10:57,688 --> 01:10:58,940
I deserve it.
1414
01:10:58,981 --> 01:11:01,609
Mostly in hotel rooms,
twice at his house...
1415
01:11:01,693 --> 01:11:04,112
and once--I can't believe
I'm telling you this--
1416
01:11:04,154 --> 01:11:05,655
on his desk.
1417
01:11:05,739 --> 01:11:08,283
What, for Christ's sakes,
are you talking about?
1418
01:11:08,367 --> 01:11:10,911
Michaels. He's the one I've
been having the affair with.
1419
01:11:17,376 --> 01:11:20,463
You've been having an affair
with Harvey Michaels?
1420
01:11:21,714 --> 01:11:24,968
Isn't that what
you were talking about?
1421
01:11:29,139 --> 01:11:32,184
They say
I'm doing my radio show.
1422
01:11:41,402 --> 01:11:45,740
Thanks for watching the phones.
Any calls?
1423
01:12:02,634 --> 01:12:04,135
This what you looking for, Doc?
1424
01:12:04,177 --> 01:12:05,679
Your one-way ticket
to Mexico City?
1425
01:12:05,762 --> 01:12:06,888
That was just--
1426
01:12:06,972 --> 01:12:08,891
What happened
to partners in crime?
1427
01:12:08,974 --> 01:12:10,684
Honor among thieves?
1428
01:12:10,726 --> 01:12:13,020
You don't want to skip
south of the border with me?
1429
01:12:13,062 --> 01:12:14,814
Maybe I don't want
to team up...
1430
01:12:14,855 --> 01:12:17,233
with an asshole
with one bad hand.
1431
01:12:48,559 --> 01:12:52,188
Do you want me to pay?
- Pay him! Pay him!
1432
01:12:52,229 --> 01:12:54,774
We can settle it.
- Give him the money!
1433
01:12:54,857 --> 01:12:56,567
Come on, come on,
we're gonna miss the plane!
1434
01:13:48,832 --> 01:13:52,128
You're not dressed yet?
We're going to be late.
1435
01:13:52,169 --> 01:13:53,754
They'll wait for you, Doctor.
1436
01:13:53,796 --> 01:13:57,425
I guess so.
I'm the prime attraction.
1437
01:13:59,552 --> 01:14:02,973
Have you seen Becker?
He disappeared on me.
1438
01:14:03,014 --> 01:14:06,685
Win a few, lose a few, Doctor.
1439
01:14:06,769 --> 01:14:09,980
What is it now
with this "Doctor"?
1440
01:14:10,064 --> 01:14:12,608
You are a real doctor,
aren't you?
1441
01:14:12,692 --> 01:14:14,152
Dr. Lawrence Baird?
1442
01:14:17,405 --> 01:14:18,698
Who told you?
1443
01:14:20,200 --> 01:14:22,786
The real Dr. Baird. He called.
1444
01:14:22,869 --> 01:14:25,205
Don't worry.
1445
01:14:25,289 --> 01:14:28,792
I didn't give you away.
I covered your ass.
1446
01:14:30,211 --> 01:14:31,671
Why?
1447
01:14:31,754 --> 01:14:35,508
Because I once thought
it was cute.
1448
01:14:37,677 --> 01:14:39,679
The customs people treated you
with such respect...
1449
01:14:39,721 --> 01:14:41,181
and they went through my bag...
1450
01:14:41,223 --> 01:14:44,393
Iike I was some kind of
a drug dealer, you know?
1451
01:14:44,476 --> 01:14:47,479
First stop, Beverly Hills.
465 North Bedford Drive...
1452
01:14:47,521 --> 01:14:49,899
then the Riviera Country Club.
1453
01:14:57,198 --> 01:14:59,034
Nice rental. Where's Harvey...
1454
01:14:59,075 --> 01:15:01,119
and my box
of green dead presidents?
1455
01:15:01,203 --> 01:15:03,163
They're waiting to be exhumed
in the game room.
1456
01:15:03,247 --> 01:15:04,456
Is he here?
1457
01:15:04,540 --> 01:15:06,417
I thought he was
at some kind of banquet.
1458
01:15:06,500 --> 01:15:09,211
Would you stop following me?
I told you to stay in the cab.
1459
01:15:09,295 --> 01:15:11,756
Driving me crazy.
Would you calm down...
1460
01:15:11,839 --> 01:15:13,508
and act like the doctor
you claim to be?
1461
01:15:13,549 --> 01:15:15,093
At least the police
could identify him--
1462
01:15:15,176 --> 01:15:17,137
I've been telling you
for fourteen hours...
1463
01:15:17,220 --> 01:15:18,972
shut the fuck up
about the cops!
1464
01:15:19,055 --> 01:15:20,557
I'm the one
who's been violated!
1465
01:15:20,640 --> 01:15:22,225
What about my reputation?
1466
01:15:22,309 --> 01:15:24,478
Your reputation
isn't worth ten cents.
1467
01:15:24,561 --> 01:15:26,772
My reputation's
a million-dollar industry!
1468
01:15:26,855 --> 01:15:29,150
It'll go right down the toilet
if the public finds out...
1469
01:15:29,233 --> 01:15:31,903
some fraud's been doing
my radio show.
1470
01:15:31,986 --> 01:15:34,238
We got to keep things quiet...
1471
01:15:34,280 --> 01:15:36,658
and I've got to get
my $200,000 back.
1472
01:15:36,741 --> 01:15:40,078
I'm calling the cops!
911--it's the same everywhere.
1473
01:15:43,332 --> 01:15:46,085
Sorry, Doctor, but I haven't
traveled five thousand miles...
1474
01:15:46,126 --> 01:15:48,421
to have you fuck up my revenge.
1475
01:16:03,687 --> 01:16:06,836
OK, Harvey, grab your balls
for the last time.
1476
01:16:11,028 --> 01:16:12,238
Help!
1477
01:16:18,203 --> 01:16:20,414
I'm in Dr. Maitlin's office!
1478
01:16:20,455 --> 01:16:23,584
Here's your money
and here's your contract.
1479
01:16:25,210 --> 01:16:27,963
Just think of it
as your blood test.
1480
01:16:28,047 --> 01:16:29,799
I never get married
on an empty stomach.
1481
01:16:29,882 --> 01:16:32,719
Let me bark down some steamed
puffed chicken rolls...
1482
01:16:32,802 --> 01:16:34,429
some boiled peas,
I'll speed-read this...
1483
01:16:34,471 --> 01:16:36,097
and get back to you
with some addendums.
1484
01:16:36,139 --> 01:16:37,933
Fair enough. By the way,
I want you to know...
1485
01:16:37,974 --> 01:16:39,977
I didn't even take out
the money I advanced you.
1486
01:16:40,018 --> 01:16:43,063
Now, you know why?
- Because it's not your money.
1487
01:16:44,440 --> 01:16:48,819
- This is a serious breach
of professional ethics!
1488
01:16:51,197 --> 01:16:55,660
- Are you there?
Are you there, you rat?
1489
01:16:55,744 --> 01:17:01,166
- Help! Anybody, help!
1490
01:17:01,250 --> 01:17:03,335
- Please help me!
1491
01:17:06,088 --> 01:17:07,632
It's about time.
1492
01:17:07,715 --> 01:17:09,967
Who are you, and what are you
doing in Dr. Baird's closet?
1493
01:17:10,009 --> 01:17:11,886
I'm Dr. Baird.
- Sure, you are.
1494
01:17:11,970 --> 01:17:14,013
That's how come
you're locked in his closet.
1495
01:17:14,097 --> 01:17:16,892
I'm calling the cops.
- Good.
1496
01:17:16,975 --> 01:17:21,355
...true paranoid is the one
in possession of all the facts.
1497
01:17:22,690 --> 01:17:25,317
But the real reason
we're here tonight...
1498
01:17:25,359 --> 01:17:27,445
is to honor
our Dr. George Maitlin...
1499
01:17:27,528 --> 01:17:28,988
and to accept the award...
1500
01:17:29,071 --> 01:17:31,532
a man who's only been with us
for four days...
1501
01:17:31,574 --> 01:17:34,160
How long do these people take?
1502
01:17:34,244 --> 01:17:36,705
How long it takes
is how long it takes.
1503
01:17:36,788 --> 01:17:41,168
Oh. How long it takes
is how long it takes.
1504
01:17:41,210 --> 01:17:42,878
That's not fast enough!
1505
01:17:44,004 --> 01:17:45,673
Freeze, scumbag.
1506
01:17:48,009 --> 01:17:51,012
Get in the closet.
Come on, get in there!
1507
01:17:51,095 --> 01:17:55,267
OK, but you're gonna have to
answer to Dr. Baird about this.
1508
01:17:55,350 --> 01:17:59,688
I am Dr. Baird!
- Sure, you are.
1509
01:17:59,730 --> 01:18:02,191
- I wasn't born yesterday.
1510
01:18:02,232 --> 01:18:04,235
- I'm a trained professional,
fella!
1511
01:18:05,236 --> 01:18:07,905
Thank you. Thank you.
1512
01:18:09,490 --> 01:18:13,954
- Thank you, Harvey.
Thank you. Thanks very much.
1513
01:18:16,748 --> 01:18:19,960
Not here. Go around back.
1514
01:18:20,043 --> 01:18:23,088
...to try to fill
the shoes of a man...
1515
01:18:23,172 --> 01:18:26,592
who has made therapy
a household name.
1516
01:18:31,723 --> 01:18:35,393
Some may say, "Why does therapy
have to take such a long time?"
1517
01:18:35,435 --> 01:18:37,396
To them I say,
there's nothing...
1518
01:18:37,437 --> 01:18:40,149
that can be done
in a short time...
1519
01:18:40,232 --> 01:18:44,904
that can't be done
just as well in a long time.
1520
01:18:49,075 --> 01:18:52,704
Thank you and--wait a minute.
1521
01:18:52,787 --> 01:18:54,623
Oh, boy. You're not
gonna believe this.
1522
01:18:54,706 --> 01:18:56,208
I left that wallet...
1523
01:18:56,291 --> 01:18:58,252
in the other taxi,
the one we took from the air--
1524
01:19:00,254 --> 01:19:03,340
If Dr. George Maitlin
could have been here tonight...
1525
01:19:03,424 --> 01:19:07,136
he would be most, most
honored with this award...
1526
01:19:07,178 --> 01:19:10,765
and he would thank you
for this honor, but...
1527
01:19:15,228 --> 01:19:16,939
You're supposed
to be in London.
1528
01:19:16,980 --> 01:19:18,982
We were gonna tour
the countryside...
1529
01:19:19,024 --> 01:19:20,818
but Vera decided
she wanted to come back...
1530
01:19:20,901 --> 01:19:22,945
to fuck you again.
1531
01:19:23,029 --> 01:19:25,531
You know,
you're not feeling well, and--
1532
01:19:25,615 --> 01:19:27,200
Let's not talk about that
right now.
1533
01:19:27,283 --> 01:19:29,035
Let's talk about money.
- Money?
1534
01:19:29,118 --> 01:19:32,122
You gave my money
to the wrong man!
1535
01:19:32,163 --> 01:19:34,499
He's the perfect choice.
The ratings have soared.
1536
01:19:34,541 --> 01:19:36,293
You shithead! That's not Baird!
1537
01:19:36,335 --> 01:19:38,087
If you go out there
in this condition...
1538
01:19:38,170 --> 01:19:41,632
everyone will know
the kind of man you really are.
1539
01:19:41,715 --> 01:19:45,178
You're right.
We don't want that.
1540
01:19:45,219 --> 01:19:50,684
- Now, some of you may say
that this is a materialistic...
1541
01:19:50,725 --> 01:19:53,687
Good evening, I'm here to--
1542
01:19:53,728 --> 01:19:56,231
I'm sorry.
This is by invitation only.
1543
01:19:56,315 --> 01:19:59,026
I'm Dr. Baird.
1544
01:19:59,068 --> 01:20:00,319
Excuse me?
1545
01:20:00,361 --> 01:20:04,323
Madame,
I am Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1546
01:20:04,365 --> 01:20:06,367
I don't think so.
1547
01:20:06,409 --> 01:20:08,870
I assure you, I am Dr. Baird.
1548
01:20:08,953 --> 01:20:10,622
I'm a legitimate
psychiatrist...
1549
01:20:10,705 --> 01:20:14,084
and this is a legitimate
psychiatrist's dinner!
1550
01:20:14,167 --> 01:20:15,627
Let's just calm down.
1551
01:20:15,711 --> 01:20:17,880
I'm perfectly calm,
I assure you.
1552
01:20:17,963 --> 01:20:21,217
Be a psychiatrist.
1553
01:20:21,300 --> 01:20:23,886
You won't have
to wash your hands as much!
1554
01:20:25,179 --> 01:20:26,973
No trouble.
No trouble whatsoever.
1555
01:20:27,056 --> 01:20:29,142
I'm perfectly calm.
Don't touch me.
1556
01:20:29,225 --> 01:20:30,852
Get your hands off me!
1557
01:20:30,936 --> 01:20:33,397
My goodness,
what do we have here?
1558
01:20:35,148 --> 01:20:37,192
Where's my money?
- Don't worry about the money.
1559
01:20:37,276 --> 01:20:38,444
As soon as the dinner's over...
1560
01:20:38,527 --> 01:20:39,904
we'll get Baird,
or whatever his name is...
1561
01:20:39,987 --> 01:20:41,572
we'll take him outside,
we'll grab the briefcase...
1562
01:20:41,656 --> 01:20:43,074
with the cash.
- Cash?!
1563
01:20:43,157 --> 01:20:44,409
You paid him cash?
1564
01:20:44,492 --> 01:20:46,244
You told me never
to pay anybody in cash!
1565
01:20:46,327 --> 01:20:47,912
It's the only way
he would take the job...
1566
01:20:47,996 --> 01:20:49,414
and so far,
he's worth every penny.
1567
01:20:49,456 --> 01:20:54,586
I'll kill him!
And when I get finished...
1568
01:20:54,670 --> 01:20:56,588
if there are
any bullets left...
1569
01:20:57,840 --> 01:21:00,384
On your desk.
1570
01:21:00,426 --> 01:21:03,137
Thank you. You have been
a beautiful audience.
1571
01:21:03,221 --> 01:21:05,890
- Quick! He's getting away!
1572
01:21:07,308 --> 01:21:09,311
Hurry!
- Crowd, clear, please!
1573
01:21:09,394 --> 01:21:10,770
Crowd, clear, please!
1574
01:21:10,812 --> 01:21:13,732
Watch your stuffed
chicken rolls, folks. Parking!
1575
01:21:13,774 --> 01:21:17,903
...be arresting the fake!
I'm Dr. Baird! Listen to me!
1576
01:21:17,987 --> 01:21:22,950
I am Dr. Baird! I am--
1577
01:21:27,288 --> 01:21:30,000
Be on back to my office
on Monday. See you later!
1578
01:21:40,803 --> 01:21:41,929
When do we board?
1579
01:21:42,013 --> 01:21:43,431
Fifteen minutes.
- Thanks.
1580
01:21:43,473 --> 01:21:44,599
...that has developed here.
1581
01:21:44,682 --> 01:21:46,643
Because of the difficulty
of the access...
1582
01:21:46,726 --> 01:21:48,270
to the Hollywood sign,
it's going to take...
1583
01:21:48,353 --> 01:21:49,938
a coordination
of Herculean effort...
1584
01:21:50,021 --> 01:21:51,606
on the part of all three
of these departments...
1585
01:21:51,648 --> 01:21:53,192
to deal with the problem.
As you can see...
1586
01:21:53,275 --> 01:21:55,402
an unidentified man has climbed
to the top of the "Y".
1587
01:21:55,486 --> 01:21:57,112
- Continental announces...
1588
01:21:57,154 --> 01:21:59,699
- the boarding of flight 45
to Mexico City.
1589
01:21:59,782 --> 01:22:01,742
You just don't have
your thinking cap on.
1590
01:22:01,826 --> 01:22:03,661
We don't want
to go public with this.
1591
01:22:03,745 --> 01:22:07,165
The pens from my office!
My jellybeans!
1592
01:22:07,207 --> 01:22:08,500
Your eye's not on the sparrow.
1593
01:22:08,542 --> 01:22:11,169
I want my $200,000!
- It's deductible.
1594
01:22:11,253 --> 01:22:13,172
It's a legitimate
business expense.
1595
01:22:13,255 --> 01:22:15,507
We're talking, what,
72.5% of that.
1596
01:22:15,549 --> 01:22:18,844
Then I want my $145,000!
My antique lighter!
1597
01:22:18,928 --> 01:22:20,513
And you say he's not a crook!
1598
01:22:20,596 --> 01:22:22,390
You made a commitment.
1599
01:22:22,473 --> 01:22:24,684
And remember, in this town,
your word's your bond.
1600
01:22:24,767 --> 01:22:26,519
Let's not forget Balzac
when he said...
1601
01:22:26,603 --> 01:22:28,647
"A man's reputation
is like a famous painting.
1602
01:22:28,730 --> 01:22:30,190
"Once its authenticity's
questioned, it's never--"
1603
01:22:30,273 --> 01:22:33,026
Shut up!
- Right.
1604
01:22:33,068 --> 01:22:35,112
We'll have to get back
to you on that...
1605
01:22:35,195 --> 01:22:36,572
if you promise
to come back to us...
1606
01:22:36,655 --> 01:22:38,449
as soon as we get
the picture and the sound.
1607
01:22:38,532 --> 01:22:40,368
As you can see from
our helicopter up in the sky...
1608
01:22:40,451 --> 01:22:41,703
we're getting
a very clear picture now.
1609
01:22:41,786 --> 01:22:43,746
The man seems to be dressed
all in black...
1610
01:22:43,830 --> 01:22:47,208
in some sort of ministerial
suit of clothing.
1611
01:22:47,292 --> 01:22:49,378
Late word has come in.
1612
01:22:49,461 --> 01:22:52,130
The man's name is Donald Becker.
One Donald Becker.
1613
01:22:52,214 --> 01:22:54,174
If there is a relative
out there...
1614
01:22:54,216 --> 01:22:55,551
who knows Donald Becker...
1615
01:22:55,634 --> 01:22:58,179
could you please make your way
to the Hollywood sign?
1616
01:22:58,220 --> 01:22:59,388
Perhaps you could, uh...
1617
01:22:59,472 --> 01:23:02,183
I'm doing this for you, Baird!
1618
01:23:02,225 --> 01:23:05,061
Please don't do this.
1619
01:23:05,145 --> 01:23:07,230
Please don't do this to me.
1620
01:23:07,314 --> 01:23:10,067
Where are you now?
1621
01:23:10,108 --> 01:23:12,069
In first class.
1622
01:23:22,664 --> 01:23:26,418
- I've never seen
such a mass of chaos in my life.
1623
01:23:26,459 --> 01:23:28,003
We'll cut to the copter
in the air...
1624
01:23:28,086 --> 01:23:29,922
to see if they can pick it up.
1625
01:23:30,005 --> 01:23:33,008
He seems to be saying "Baird."
1626
01:23:33,092 --> 01:23:35,803
Where is he?
Where is he?
1627
01:23:35,886 --> 01:23:37,513
Where's who?
1628
01:23:37,597 --> 01:23:39,557
It's only money.
It's only money.
1629
01:23:39,599 --> 01:23:41,017
You can cash in
on his momentum.
1630
01:23:41,100 --> 01:23:42,519
You don't want to blow that.
1631
01:23:42,602 --> 01:23:44,729
That looks like
Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1632
01:23:44,771 --> 01:23:45,939
You crook!
1633
01:23:46,022 --> 01:23:47,733
...recently on the radio.
Dr. Baird...
1634
01:23:47,774 --> 01:23:50,027
there's a rumor that
this man is your patient.
1635
01:23:50,110 --> 01:23:51,820
Is this true, and if so,
how does it reflect...
1636
01:23:51,904 --> 01:23:53,113
on your treatment of him?
1637
01:23:53,197 --> 01:23:55,741
Badly, but maybe he won't live
to spread the word.
1638
01:23:55,783 --> 01:23:57,326
Thank you.
That was Dr. Lawrence Baird...
1639
01:23:57,410 --> 01:24:00,246
noted radio psychiatrist.
My goodness.
1640
01:24:00,288 --> 01:24:02,248
Looks like Dr. Baird has taken
Captain Goldblatt's horse!
1641
01:24:02,290 --> 01:24:03,541
With my money!
1642
01:24:03,625 --> 01:24:06,253
lsn't anybody--
- I'll stop him!
1643
01:24:09,548 --> 01:24:11,592
Good shot.
1644
01:24:11,675 --> 01:24:13,469
Where are we going?
- Guess!
1645
01:24:17,640 --> 01:24:21,019
Are you Dr. Baird?
It's an honor to meet you.
1646
01:24:21,102 --> 01:24:22,979
Listen, I have got
to get up to the "Y."
1647
01:24:23,063 --> 01:24:24,481
My wife heard you on the air.
1648
01:24:24,564 --> 01:24:26,316
When she finds out
I met you in person--
1649
01:24:27,651 --> 01:24:30,279
Listen, Doc, actually, I got
a little problem with her.
1650
01:24:30,362 --> 01:24:31,613
For the last few months--
1651
01:24:31,655 --> 01:24:33,657
We should really
talk about this later.
1652
01:24:33,699 --> 01:24:36,160
She likes to come home Friday,
put on my uniform--
1653
01:24:36,244 --> 01:24:38,454
Is that the only way out?
Is there any other way out?
1654
01:24:38,496 --> 01:24:39,706
It's not like she's kinky,
either.
1655
01:24:39,789 --> 01:24:41,291
I think she just wants
to be me.
1656
01:24:41,374 --> 01:24:43,835
Look, I am responsible
for this guy, and--
1657
01:24:43,877 --> 01:24:45,837
She runs around
writing parking tickets.
1658
01:24:45,879 --> 01:24:47,673
She tries to pee standing up.
1659
01:24:47,756 --> 01:24:49,174
Well, I'll see what I can do.
1660
01:24:49,258 --> 01:24:51,302
I'll put my mind
to a solution to your problem...
1661
01:24:51,385 --> 01:24:53,137
and see if we can't
come up with something...
1662
01:24:53,179 --> 01:24:54,513
but I have to go.
1663
01:24:54,555 --> 01:24:56,849
Yeah, but, Doc, I really
need your advice on this--
1664
01:24:56,933 --> 01:24:59,477
Got a session down here now.
See you after.
1665
01:24:59,519 --> 01:25:01,688
Just in case
you don't make it...
1666
01:25:01,771 --> 01:25:03,064
Later. We'll talk later.
1667
01:25:03,148 --> 01:25:05,525
I really will
think about it, though.
1668
01:25:07,527 --> 01:25:09,405
It's you.
1669
01:25:09,488 --> 01:25:12,324
Decided to come back, have you?
1670
01:25:12,366 --> 01:25:15,494
Besides, I thought you were
on your way to Mexico.
1671
01:25:15,578 --> 01:25:20,208
What happened--my fatal
attraction lured you back?
1672
01:25:20,291 --> 01:25:23,545
This is a fitting setting
for our reunion.
1673
01:25:24,671 --> 01:25:27,090
Where's your unicycle
and your umbrella?
1674
01:25:27,174 --> 01:25:30,552
I've seen trained bears
do better wire acts.
1675
01:25:34,140 --> 01:25:35,516
I can't see my money.
1676
01:25:35,558 --> 01:25:37,018
Maybe he gave it
to someone to hold.
1677
01:25:37,060 --> 01:25:39,062
Cool it about the money.
There's TV here.
1678
01:25:39,103 --> 01:25:40,396
You want
the whole world to know?
1679
01:25:40,480 --> 01:25:41,731
He could fall,
and we'd never find it.
1680
01:25:41,773 --> 01:25:43,942
You're a doctor.
Act concerned.
1681
01:25:44,025 --> 01:25:46,278
You don't think I'm concerned?
1682
01:25:46,361 --> 01:25:49,823
You give away my $200,000
and sleep with my wife?
1683
01:25:49,907 --> 01:25:51,617
I'm concerned.
1684
01:25:51,700 --> 01:25:53,744
Quiet.
A man's life is at stake.
1685
01:25:53,828 --> 01:25:56,122
Guess whose.
1686
01:25:57,665 --> 01:26:00,919
As I've said, I've been at
numerous crisis situations...
1687
01:26:00,960 --> 01:26:04,423
but never one where the parking
was just so terrible.
1688
01:26:17,896 --> 01:26:19,439
Hold on. Hang on.
1689
01:26:24,194 --> 01:26:25,821
That's it.
1690
01:26:28,574 --> 01:26:30,075
Why did you come back?
1691
01:26:30,159 --> 01:26:32,244
I'm still trying
to figure that out.
1692
01:26:33,579 --> 01:26:36,290
Scared, Doctor?
- You've got the wrong man.
1693
01:26:36,332 --> 01:26:38,293
You just needed a little help.
1694
01:26:38,334 --> 01:26:39,753
How did you get up here anyway?
1695
01:26:39,794 --> 01:26:41,713
Same way you did, Doc.
1696
01:26:43,298 --> 01:26:45,801
Thanks for thinking of this.
1697
01:26:45,843 --> 01:26:47,010
What do you want?
1698
01:26:47,094 --> 01:26:49,513
What do I want?
What do you want?
1699
01:26:49,597 --> 01:26:51,015
You're the one
who was screaming...
1700
01:26:51,098 --> 01:26:52,600
all over local TV for me.
1701
01:26:52,642 --> 01:26:54,852
I just wanted you
to watch me jump.
1702
01:26:54,936 --> 01:26:56,854
Bullshit. You wanted me here.
1703
01:26:56,938 --> 01:27:00,317
Now I'm here, so let's do it.
1704
01:27:02,194 --> 01:27:05,697
Great. Let's do it.
1705
01:27:06,907 --> 01:27:10,703
Me first.
- We jump together.
1706
01:27:10,786 --> 01:27:13,122
But before we go, there's
something I gotta tell you.
1707
01:27:13,164 --> 01:27:15,792
Hurry up.
I haven't got all night.
1708
01:27:15,833 --> 01:27:18,420
I was history.
I had in my possession...
1709
01:27:18,503 --> 01:27:22,466
$200,000 in crisp, cold cash.
I was rich.
1710
01:27:24,718 --> 01:27:27,388
You take this key...
1711
01:27:27,471 --> 01:27:31,309
go to the airport,
get my 200,000...
1712
01:27:31,350 --> 01:27:33,644
and start a new life.
1713
01:27:41,862 --> 01:27:44,156
Why did you come back?
1714
01:27:44,198 --> 01:27:46,825
You were wrong
when you said I deserted you...
1715
01:27:46,867 --> 01:27:48,911
but you were right
about the pants.
1716
01:27:50,329 --> 01:27:52,498
Size thirty-eight crazy.
1717
01:27:52,540 --> 01:27:56,169
What?
- Prison issue.
1718
01:27:56,252 --> 01:27:59,214
The County Correctional
Mental Facility For Men...
1719
01:27:59,297 --> 01:28:01,383
at Cicero, lllinois.
1720
01:28:01,466 --> 01:28:05,846
John William Burns, Jr.,
inmate number 7474505-B...
1721
01:28:05,888 --> 01:28:10,226
current status--
escaped and at large.
1722
01:28:20,529 --> 01:28:22,322
They'll get us.
1723
01:28:22,406 --> 01:28:24,366
We'll live to jump again.
1724
01:28:56,776 --> 01:28:58,778
Cuff him.
- Arrest him, too.
1725
01:28:58,862 --> 01:29:00,364
Dr. Baird? He's the hero.
1726
01:29:00,447 --> 01:29:01,990
That's the nut case
we're taking in.
1727
01:29:02,074 --> 01:29:03,450
He's not Dr. Baird!
1728
01:29:03,534 --> 01:29:05,578
What's in a name?
This man's a hero.
1729
01:29:05,661 --> 01:29:08,247
George, don't be ungracious.
- He stole my money!
1730
01:29:08,331 --> 01:29:10,833
Come, come, we'll talk.
1731
01:29:10,917 --> 01:29:13,211
Here.
You better take back your key.
1732
01:29:13,294 --> 01:29:15,964
Absolutely not. My offer
still stands. You keep it.
1733
01:29:16,047 --> 01:29:18,759
They're gonna lock me up.
- Don't count on it.
1734
01:29:20,260 --> 01:29:22,471
Sorry about this.
I'm gonna have to take you in.
1735
01:29:22,554 --> 01:29:24,765
That's quite all right.
Don't worry about it. It's fine.
1736
01:29:24,807 --> 01:29:27,309
A nice guy like you?
It's a shame.
1737
01:29:27,351 --> 01:29:30,146
I quite agree.
- Cuff him, too.
1738
01:29:30,188 --> 01:29:33,983
Listen, Captain,
you don't want him.
1739
01:29:34,067 --> 01:29:35,860
He's not a criminal.
He hasn't done anything wrong.
1740
01:29:35,944 --> 01:29:37,320
I sent him up there.
1741
01:29:37,362 --> 01:29:40,699
It's not his fault.
It's my fault. Let him go.
1742
01:29:44,411 --> 01:29:47,456
You'll still be
on the 11:00 news.
1743
01:29:51,169 --> 01:29:53,046
Release the other guy.
1744
01:30:00,095 --> 01:30:02,681
I want my money!
He took my money!
1745
01:30:02,765 --> 01:30:05,059
You! You! You took my money!
1746
01:30:05,142 --> 01:30:07,395
Are you Maitlin?
- You're damn right!
1747
01:30:07,478 --> 01:30:09,647
Author of the theory
of psychocerebral equilibrium?
1748
01:30:09,689 --> 01:30:11,024
You better believe it!
1749
01:30:11,107 --> 01:30:12,650
Garbage!
- Garbage?!
1750
01:30:12,692 --> 01:30:14,319
I'll show you garbage!
1751
01:30:14,361 --> 01:30:16,863
This is no time for violence.
1752
01:30:16,905 --> 01:30:19,575
Wrong, Harvey!
- Holy shit!
1753
01:30:19,658 --> 01:30:21,535
You let my money get away.
1754
01:30:21,618 --> 01:30:23,829
But you didn't.
- I'm your friend!
1755
01:30:23,871 --> 01:30:26,707
You banged my wife
for a year and a half...
1756
01:30:26,791 --> 01:30:28,835
on your lousy desk!
1757
01:30:28,918 --> 01:30:31,337
The desk
is a signed Julian Schnabel!
1758
01:30:31,379 --> 01:30:33,089
Sign this!
1759
01:30:33,173 --> 01:30:36,843
Jesus! He's got a gun!
Grab him! Get him!
1760
01:30:36,927 --> 01:30:39,721
We have another
late-breaking development.
1761
01:30:39,763 --> 01:30:41,598
Gunshots have erupted beneath
the famed Hollywood sign...
1762
01:30:41,682 --> 01:30:43,601
which recently saw
the thrilling rescue...
1763
01:30:43,684 --> 01:30:46,896
of a deranged patient by radio
psychiatrist Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1764
01:30:46,979 --> 01:30:49,440
The alleged assailant is
allegedly Dr. George Maitlin...
1765
01:30:49,524 --> 01:30:51,150
another Los Angeles
psychiatrist.
1766
01:30:51,234 --> 01:30:52,527
Perhaps we could get
an interview with him.
1767
01:30:52,569 --> 01:30:54,696
Dr. Maitlin, is there
anything you'd like to say?
1768
01:30:54,779 --> 01:30:57,240
Fuck you !!!
- Well, that's another first.
1769
01:30:57,699 --> 01:30:59,701
Let's check on two-thirty.
1770
01:31:02,580 --> 01:31:04,415
Doctor.
1771
01:31:04,457 --> 01:31:06,959
I'm Dr. Baird.
1772
01:31:07,043 --> 01:31:08,920
I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1773
01:31:09,003 --> 01:31:10,213
I hear you.
1774
01:31:10,255 --> 01:31:13,383
I hear you saying
you're Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1775
01:31:13,425 --> 01:31:15,802
I am Dr. Baird, though.
I really am.
1776
01:31:15,886 --> 01:31:17,304
I'm Dr. Baird.
1777
01:31:17,387 --> 01:31:19,056
I hear you. I really do.
1778
01:31:19,097 --> 01:31:21,558
I hear you saying,
"l am Dr. Baird."
1779
01:31:21,600 --> 01:31:24,395
You're not really
listening to me.
1780
01:31:24,437 --> 01:31:26,022
You think you're hearing
what I'm saying...
1781
01:31:26,105 --> 01:31:27,440
but you're not
really listening.
1782
01:31:27,482 --> 01:31:29,108
I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1783
01:31:29,192 --> 01:31:32,278
I'm a qualified,
accredited psychiatrist...
1784
01:31:32,362 --> 01:31:34,573
and somebody else
has supplanted me.
1785
01:31:34,614 --> 01:31:37,951
Up his thorazine
to 500 milligrams.
1786
01:31:37,993 --> 01:31:40,996
Another evaluation for you,
Dr. Smet.
1787
01:31:41,080 --> 01:31:43,457
Amazing.
- What, sir?
1788
01:31:43,499 --> 01:31:45,793
How many psychiatrists
we're getting these days.
1789
01:31:49,298 --> 01:31:51,007
Dr. Maitlin ?
1790
01:31:52,571 --> 01:31:53,823
Dr. Maitlin ?
1791
01:31:54,010 --> 01:31:56,096
What?
- I'm Dr. Smet.
1792
01:31:59,016 --> 01:32:00,851
I'm not sick.
1793
01:32:04,480 --> 01:32:07,316
I just need space.
1794
01:32:40,060 --> 01:32:44,065
- And the moon
lights up the night
1795
01:32:44,148 --> 01:32:47,235
- My eyes light up
when you call my name
1796
01:32:47,318 --> 01:32:48,695
- I get a fever--
1797
01:32:48,778 --> 01:32:51,990
Hey, Houdini, let's go.
You're going to Lompoc.
1798
01:32:52,032 --> 01:32:54,701
You give me fever
1799
01:32:58,038 --> 01:33:00,458
See you later,
fellow timesters.
1800
01:33:00,541 --> 01:33:02,001
- Good luck.
1801
01:33:04,921 --> 01:33:07,590
You'll be glad to know
that the horror stories...
1802
01:33:07,674 --> 01:33:09,551
about Lompoc prison
aren't really true.
1803
01:33:09,634 --> 01:33:11,052
Good.
1804
01:33:11,094 --> 01:33:13,180
I mean, they got rid
of most of the rats.
1805
01:33:13,221 --> 01:33:16,058
The number of knife attacks
is way down...
1806
01:33:16,099 --> 01:33:20,771
as are the cases of ptomaine
poisoning and gang rape.
1807
01:33:20,855 --> 01:33:22,231
I'm glad to hear it.
1808
01:33:22,315 --> 01:33:24,233
I mean, they haven't had
a really nasty death...
1809
01:33:24,317 --> 01:33:27,570
there in at least a week.
1810
01:33:27,654 --> 01:33:30,240
Nice.
- Hey, ah..
1811
01:33:30,323 --> 01:33:32,909
Frank, a little trouble ahead.
1812
01:33:32,993 --> 01:33:37,790
33 David, we got a 902T
at Pacific Coast Highway...
1813
01:33:37,873 --> 01:33:39,375
and Decker Canyon. Send rescue.
1814
01:33:46,758 --> 01:33:49,386
There's a woman
trapped in there!
1815
01:34:06,070 --> 01:34:07,739
Hey, what's going on?
1816
01:34:07,781 --> 01:34:11,118
Frank, stop that van!
Stop, or I'll shoot!
1817
01:34:11,159 --> 01:34:13,453
You're under arrest! Stop!
1818
01:34:17,416 --> 01:34:20,586
You didn't say they were
gonna be shooting at us!
1819
01:34:20,670 --> 01:34:23,756
Hey, Dr. Rollins !
Welcome to life on the lam!
1820
01:34:23,840 --> 01:34:26,092
Hold still
while I get these off.
1821
01:34:26,134 --> 01:34:28,970
You really are everything
a guy could want.
1822
01:34:29,012 --> 01:34:31,473
Shit!
- What? What's wrong?
1823
01:34:31,515 --> 01:34:33,308
The Freon's not working!
1824
01:34:33,392 --> 01:34:35,144
Who planned this disaster,
anyway?
1825
01:34:35,185 --> 01:34:36,645
She did.
- He did!
1826
01:34:36,729 --> 01:34:39,440
The gods of transportation
have been kind to us.
1827
01:34:46,573 --> 01:34:48,909
Put this on.
- How?
1828
01:34:48,992 --> 01:34:50,911
Over your shoulders. Good.
1829
01:34:50,994 --> 01:34:52,204
Just call me the wild one.
1830
01:34:52,287 --> 01:34:54,456
Good luck, boys.
- You're not coming with us?
1831
01:34:54,498 --> 01:34:55,791
This is it for me.
1832
01:34:55,833 --> 01:34:57,418
But, I don't want you, Becker.
1833
01:34:57,501 --> 01:34:59,128
I want the girl.
This isn't fair.
1834
01:34:59,170 --> 01:35:00,963
Life isn't fair. Hop on.
1835
01:35:01,005 --> 01:35:03,383
But I don't want to escape
with you. I hate you.
1836
01:35:03,466 --> 01:35:04,968
I can accept that.
1837
01:35:10,766 --> 01:35:12,392
This hog can kick ass!
1838
01:35:12,476 --> 01:35:15,396
Can outrun any cop car
built since '71!
1839
01:35:15,479 --> 01:35:17,189
Where did you get
this bike, anyway?
1840
01:35:17,273 --> 01:35:19,901
I dipped into petty cash--
your briefcase!
1841
01:35:19,984 --> 01:35:21,360
I take back everything...
1842
01:35:21,444 --> 01:35:23,863
I ever said about you!
You really are crazy!
1843
01:35:23,905 --> 01:35:25,699
How far do you think
we're gonna get on this thing?
1844
01:35:25,782 --> 01:35:28,493
To Monte Carlo.
- On a motorcycle?
1845
01:35:28,535 --> 01:35:31,371
No! On Harvey's yacht!
1846
01:35:31,455 --> 01:35:34,750
Becker! There are worse things
than being crazy!
141607
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