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All language subtitles for The Goldbergs (2013) - 02x13 - Van People.LOL.English.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,132 --> 00:00:03,103 Back in the '80s, stand-up comedy exploded. 2 00:00:03,104 --> 00:00:05,705 We'd spent hours watching the greats like Sam Kinison, 3 00:00:05,706 --> 00:00:07,573 Garry Shandling, Billy Crystal, 4 00:00:07,574 --> 00:00:10,710 and, my personal favorite, the Diceman. 5 00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:12,011 I can't believe he said that! 6 00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:12,979 I know! 7 00:00:12,980 --> 00:00:14,147 They weren't just my heroes. 8 00:00:14,148 --> 00:00:16,282 They were my inspirations. 9 00:00:16,283 --> 00:00:17,950 Sure, I never stood 10 00:00:17,951 --> 00:00:20,620 in front of a red brick wall with a microphone. 11 00:00:20,621 --> 00:00:23,389 But I still fancied myself quite the comedian. 12 00:00:23,390 --> 00:00:25,191 Nothing but rim. 13 00:00:26,727 --> 00:00:29,295 Yep, I wasn't afraid to get my hands dirty to get a laugh. 14 00:00:29,296 --> 00:00:31,964 - Oh, you got a little something. - Uh, right here? 15 00:00:31,965 --> 00:00:33,733 Right here. Oh, right... Right... right here, yeah. 16 00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:35,735 And I knew one day I'd get 17 00:00:35,736 --> 00:00:37,236 the get the ultimate achievement in comedy... 18 00:00:37,237 --> 00:00:40,173 - Class clown. - Sorry I'm late. Yearbook is killing me. 19 00:00:40,174 --> 00:00:41,407 Here, let me carry that for you. 20 00:00:41,408 --> 00:00:43,009 So you can see who's getting voted class clown? 21 00:00:43,010 --> 00:00:44,043 Nice try. 22 00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,511 Please. Just let me see it. 23 00:00:45,512 --> 00:00:47,547 For your sugar bear? 24 00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:48,748 Just take it. 25 00:00:50,817 --> 00:00:53,386 Yes! I got best hair on a man. 26 00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:56,022 - Oh, yeah. - Shut up, Dave Kim. 27 00:00:56,023 --> 00:00:59,125 Read it and weep. I am... 28 00:00:59,126 --> 00:01:02,228 Unfortunately, I got the opposite of that. 29 00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:04,797 "Nicest guy"? Are you freaking kidding me? 30 00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:07,066 - What? It's a good thing. - No, it's not. 31 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,100 "Nicest guy" is code 32 00:01:08,101 --> 00:01:10,870 for "boring guy who just has okay hair." 33 00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:14,440 So, who's getting class clown? 34 00:01:14,441 --> 00:01:15,675 Better not be Mike Levy 35 00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:17,777 'cause he didn't choose for milk to come out of his nose. 36 00:01:17,778 --> 00:01:20,146 He has a deviated septum. So lucky. 37 00:01:20,147 --> 00:01:22,081 David Sirota... by a landslide. 38 00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:23,082 Are you kidding me? 39 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:25,284 People think that putz is funnier than me? 40 00:01:27,988 --> 00:01:29,688 Okay. 41 00:01:29,689 --> 00:01:31,290 Whoever's doing that, just stop it! 42 00:01:31,291 --> 00:01:32,391 Just stop right now. 43 00:01:32,392 --> 00:01:35,161 David Sirota isn't funny. He's ridiculous. 44 00:01:35,162 --> 00:01:38,097 Always dancing in the halls and talking trash at gym. 45 00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,065 And this bit with Mr. Woodburn... 46 00:01:40,066 --> 00:01:41,367 Amateur hour. 47 00:01:41,368 --> 00:01:43,569 Everyone knows making poots is cheap. 48 00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:48,541 I am an adult and an educator, 49 00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:50,476 and I command you to stop right now 50 00:01:50,477 --> 00:01:51,777 in the name of Stephen Hawking. 51 00:01:51,778 --> 00:01:52,745 Just stop it! 52 00:01:52,746 --> 00:01:54,013 Is Sirota funnier than me? 53 00:01:54,014 --> 00:01:55,781 For sure, bro. You're not funny. 54 00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:57,583 Of course I am! It's a fact. 55 00:01:57,584 --> 00:01:59,952 Like Africa's hot or the sun sets in the west. 56 00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:01,086 I don't know about that stuff, 57 00:02:01,087 --> 00:02:03,222 but I definitely know you're not funny. 58 00:02:03,223 --> 00:02:04,556 Erica, back me up here. 59 00:02:04,557 --> 00:02:06,525 I'd like to, but Barry's right. 60 00:02:06,526 --> 00:02:08,594 You use comedy as a defense mechanism, 61 00:02:08,595 --> 00:02:09,762 but that doesn't make you 62 00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:11,864 a funny person that people laugh with. 63 00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:13,799 It makes you a lame-o that people laugh at. 64 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,267 But funny's my thing. 65 00:02:15,268 --> 00:02:19,004 I mean, I'm not an athlete or a brain or a theater star. 66 00:02:19,005 --> 00:02:22,441 So, if I'm not funny, what am I? 67 00:02:22,442 --> 00:02:23,509 You're really nice. 68 00:02:23,510 --> 00:02:25,310 Stop saying that! 69 00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:26,378 I'm funny, 70 00:02:26,379 --> 00:02:28,347 and there's nothing you or anyone else can say 71 00:02:28,348 --> 00:02:29,448 that can change my mind. 72 00:02:29,449 --> 00:02:31,550 That's right, squishy. 73 00:02:31,551 --> 00:02:33,652 I think you are the funniest boy in the whole wide world. 74 00:02:33,653 --> 00:02:35,320 M-m-m-mwah! 75 00:02:35,321 --> 00:02:36,588 We rest our case. 76 00:02:36,589 --> 00:02:38,891 You're a wild and crazy guy! 77 00:02:38,892 --> 00:02:41,260 Again, we rest our case. 78 00:02:46,674 --> 00:02:49,067 The Goldbergs - 02x13 van People 79 00:02:54,607 --> 00:02:57,609 It was may 10, 1980-something, and my dad was pondering 80 00:02:57,610 --> 00:03:00,312 the number-one issue plaguing all fathers. 81 00:03:00,313 --> 00:03:01,413 Okay, I'm going to Lainey's. 82 00:03:01,414 --> 00:03:02,447 Not so fast! 83 00:03:02,448 --> 00:03:04,616 You didn't fill up the car last night. 84 00:03:04,617 --> 00:03:07,953 I want a full tank when you get home, no excuses! 85 00:03:07,954 --> 00:03:10,455 Like all dad's, mine was obsessed with the gas tank. 86 00:03:10,456 --> 00:03:13,125 I drove the car this morning. There's a ton of gas in it. 87 00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:15,460 All right, let's take a walk, shall we? 88 00:03:15,461 --> 00:03:17,429 Look at the gas gauge! Look at it! 89 00:03:17,430 --> 00:03:19,765 Yeah, so? It's half full. 90 00:03:19,766 --> 00:03:21,033 Which is as good as empty! 91 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:22,334 Ugh, not this again! 92 00:03:22,335 --> 00:03:24,836 We never break the half-a-tank threshold. 93 00:03:24,837 --> 00:03:26,805 My car, my rules! 94 00:03:26,806 --> 00:03:28,974 Fine, then I'll just walk everywhere 95 00:03:28,975 --> 00:03:30,575 for the rest of my life! 96 00:03:33,212 --> 00:03:34,880 Ho, ho! 97 00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:37,215 Yeah, go out walking in that. 98 00:03:37,216 --> 00:03:39,551 This is how it went with my dad and my sis. 99 00:03:39,552 --> 00:03:42,053 They were the two most stubborn people on the planet. 100 00:03:42,054 --> 00:03:45,457 I told you, no chewing gum with your braces! 101 00:03:45,458 --> 00:03:47,993 God, it's just a pinch! I can do what I want! 102 00:03:47,994 --> 00:03:49,394 My gum, my rules. 103 00:03:49,395 --> 00:03:51,997 Yep, the tiniest of arguments could last months. 104 00:03:51,998 --> 00:03:55,000 Both had to win, and neither would ever back down. 105 00:03:55,001 --> 00:03:56,668 Ha! I win! 106 00:03:56,669 --> 00:03:58,170 Even if it meant 107 00:03:58,171 --> 00:04:01,072 going to the hospital with a bubble-gum-related injury. 108 00:04:01,073 --> 00:04:02,574 Erica, please. 109 00:04:02,575 --> 00:04:04,543 - There might be lightning outside. - Good. 110 00:04:04,544 --> 00:04:08,380 I would rather get struck by a bolt of red-hot sky fire 111 00:04:08,381 --> 00:04:10,215 than cave to his stupid will. 112 00:04:10,216 --> 00:04:12,317 Okay, you know what? I'll fill up the tank. 113 00:04:12,318 --> 00:04:14,819 No. You got to back me up on this. 114 00:04:14,820 --> 00:04:16,488 My car, my rules. 115 00:04:16,489 --> 00:04:19,758 I support you on every stupid, little thing. 116 00:04:19,759 --> 00:04:21,259 You mean sit in your chair and blindly yell, 117 00:04:21,260 --> 00:04:22,694 "listen to your mother"? 118 00:04:22,695 --> 00:04:24,696 - Exactly. - No. 119 00:04:24,697 --> 00:04:27,966 Do not back him up on this. He is wrong, and you know it. 120 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:30,568 Just do what your father says. 121 00:04:30,569 --> 00:04:32,570 I can't deal with you people! 122 00:04:32,571 --> 00:04:34,172 It seemed round one went to Erica. 123 00:04:35,908 --> 00:04:38,410 God, I can't wait to get out of this house 124 00:04:38,411 --> 00:04:39,711 and get away from you! 125 00:04:39,712 --> 00:04:42,714 But actually, round one went to my dad. 126 00:04:42,715 --> 00:04:46,584 And that is how you parent. 127 00:04:46,585 --> 00:04:49,821 Man, Barry and Erica have really got in my head. 128 00:04:49,822 --> 00:04:51,089 Am I unfunny? 129 00:04:51,090 --> 00:04:53,324 Are people laughing at me, not with me? 130 00:04:53,325 --> 00:04:54,292 Absolutely not. 131 00:04:54,293 --> 00:04:56,561 You got your sense of humor from me, 132 00:04:56,562 --> 00:04:59,831 and I'm hilarious. 133 00:04:59,832 --> 00:05:02,433 ♪ My girlfriend had a kitty ♪ 134 00:05:02,434 --> 00:05:04,769 - ♪ she came from Kansas city ♪ - Oh, my God, stop. 135 00:05:05,938 --> 00:05:06,904 Hilarious. 136 00:05:06,905 --> 00:05:08,539 But I still need to find a way 137 00:05:08,540 --> 00:05:10,575 to beat David Sirota for class clown. 138 00:05:10,576 --> 00:05:12,210 Well, then, let me help. 139 00:05:12,211 --> 00:05:13,978 You know, when I was your age, 140 00:05:13,979 --> 00:05:16,280 I was busboying in the catskills. 141 00:05:16,281 --> 00:05:18,282 I saw all the greats. 142 00:05:18,283 --> 00:05:19,550 Really? Like who? 143 00:05:19,551 --> 00:05:23,121 Harry "Bottles" McNaughton, Stubby Kaye, 144 00:05:23,122 --> 00:05:24,589 the Kippleman Brothers. 145 00:05:24,590 --> 00:05:27,025 One would talk and then the other one would talk, 146 00:05:27,026 --> 00:05:28,626 and then the first one would talk. 147 00:05:28,627 --> 00:05:30,962 Their act was actually just okay. 148 00:05:30,963 --> 00:05:33,431 Yeah, it doesn't sound very current. 149 00:05:33,432 --> 00:05:35,533 But I've, like, memorized tons of jokes 150 00:05:35,534 --> 00:05:37,502 from all my favorite comedians. 151 00:05:37,503 --> 00:05:39,904 Maybe I can bring some of their stuff into school. 152 00:05:39,905 --> 00:05:42,573 Yes. Let others do the work for you. 153 00:05:42,574 --> 00:05:44,208 And so, I pulled out all the greats. 154 00:05:44,209 --> 00:05:45,743 Great Wall of China! 155 00:05:45,744 --> 00:05:48,012 - First, Sam Kinison. - Aah! Aah! Say it! Say it! 156 00:05:48,013 --> 00:05:49,914 Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! 157 00:05:49,915 --> 00:05:52,116 And then I sprinkled in a little Gallagher. 158 00:05:52,117 --> 00:05:54,085 And then finish them off 159 00:05:54,086 --> 00:05:56,888 with a classic poem by Andrew Dice Clay. 160 00:05:56,889 --> 00:05:58,990 Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard 161 00:05:58,991 --> 00:06:00,791 to get her dog a bone. 162 00:06:00,792 --> 00:06:03,728 When she [Bleep] rover took over 163 00:06:03,729 --> 00:06:05,529 and gave her a [Bleep] 164 00:06:05,530 --> 00:06:06,897 Oh! 165 00:06:06,898 --> 00:06:08,599 Go to your room! 166 00:06:10,235 --> 00:06:12,937 I'm sorry I yelled and punished you. 167 00:06:12,938 --> 00:06:15,439 Yeah, I hadn't seen that side of you before. 168 00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:17,408 I just don't understand how you could say 169 00:06:17,409 --> 00:06:19,844 those horrible things about old Mother Hubbard. 170 00:06:19,845 --> 00:06:22,012 That's her dog. They're friends. 171 00:06:22,013 --> 00:06:24,448 I guess Barry and Erica are right. I'm not funny. 172 00:06:24,449 --> 00:06:27,218 Pal, you're funny, but comedy is personal. 173 00:06:27,219 --> 00:06:30,554 Think of jokes from your world, stuff you know about. 174 00:06:30,555 --> 00:06:32,656 - You think? - Of course. 175 00:06:32,657 --> 00:06:34,925 Take my favorite comedian, Don Rickles. 176 00:06:34,926 --> 00:06:37,394 He tells jokes about the people in his world. 177 00:06:37,395 --> 00:06:39,330 And he keeps it personal. 178 00:06:39,331 --> 00:06:41,465 - Keep it personal. - Yeah. 179 00:06:41,466 --> 00:06:44,068 Yeah. I think that could work. 180 00:06:44,069 --> 00:06:45,302 Thanks, pops. 181 00:06:45,303 --> 00:06:47,738 Anytime. 182 00:06:47,739 --> 00:06:51,208 Old Mother Hubbard just wanted to feed her poor dog, and he... 183 00:06:51,209 --> 00:06:53,644 Got to let it go, man. Got to let it go. 184 00:06:53,645 --> 00:06:56,080 Meanwhile, Erica had a plan on how to defeat my dad, 185 00:06:56,081 --> 00:06:57,481 and it required stirring up 186 00:06:57,482 --> 00:06:59,917 the most easily stirred-up person on the planet. 187 00:06:59,918 --> 00:07:02,920 Damn it! I'm so mad at dad! 188 00:07:02,921 --> 00:07:04,221 Aren't you mad? 189 00:07:04,222 --> 00:07:06,924 No. Why? Should I be? What did he do now? 190 00:07:06,925 --> 00:07:09,093 Well, he's always saying, "my car, my rules," 191 00:07:09,094 --> 00:07:10,994 and forcing us to fill up his gas tank 192 00:07:10,995 --> 00:07:12,229 like we're his slaves. 193 00:07:12,230 --> 00:07:15,799 He is always talking about that stupid gas! 194 00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:17,701 It makes me very angry. 195 00:07:17,702 --> 00:07:19,002 Well, we can fight back. 196 00:07:19,003 --> 00:07:21,939 I say we pool our money together and buy our own ride. 197 00:07:21,940 --> 00:07:25,375 That way, dad can never say "my car, my rules" ever again. 198 00:07:25,376 --> 00:07:27,010 Yes! Let's fight! 199 00:07:27,011 --> 00:07:29,279 God, I have so much rage in my body right now. 200 00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:30,747 Well, let's do this. 201 00:07:30,748 --> 00:07:32,249 I only have 60 bucks. How much you got? 202 00:07:32,250 --> 00:07:34,051 Oh, I have to move some stuff around, 203 00:07:34,052 --> 00:07:35,686 but roughly $1,200. 204 00:07:35,687 --> 00:07:37,521 Dollars? How? 205 00:07:37,522 --> 00:07:39,790 Basically, you've inherited dad's stubbornness, 206 00:07:39,791 --> 00:07:41,925 and I inherited his cheapness. 207 00:07:41,926 --> 00:07:44,695 You see, every day for lunch, mom gives me $2. 208 00:07:44,696 --> 00:07:46,997 I spend 25 cents on chocolate milk 209 00:07:46,998 --> 00:07:48,098 and eat food scraps 210 00:07:48,099 --> 00:07:50,000 off friends' plates and random tables. 211 00:07:50,001 --> 00:07:51,368 We can get any car we want. 212 00:07:51,369 --> 00:07:53,870 See? Right here. Look at this sweet, little Cabriolet. 213 00:07:53,871 --> 00:07:55,138 No, no, no! 214 00:07:55,139 --> 00:07:58,108 It's my cash, and I know exactly what we're buying. 215 00:07:58,109 --> 00:08:00,810 - A crappy van? - Better. 216 00:08:00,811 --> 00:08:02,779 Better, indeed. Like every kid back then, 217 00:08:02,779 --> 00:08:05,014 Barry dreamed of being part of the A-Team. 218 00:08:05,016 --> 00:08:06,149 They were soldiers of fortune 219 00:08:06,150 --> 00:08:07,484 who drove the toughest, most badass, 220 00:08:07,485 --> 00:08:10,086 most red-striped ride to ever hit the road. 221 00:08:10,087 --> 00:08:12,222 Barry, we are not buying the A-Team van. 222 00:08:12,223 --> 00:08:13,723 It's not happening. 223 00:08:13,724 --> 00:08:14,958 Oh, it's happening. 224 00:08:14,959 --> 00:08:16,559 And I'll be Hannibal 'cause I'm the smart one. 225 00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:19,229 We're getting my sporty little soft-top, understand? 226 00:08:19,230 --> 00:08:21,498 End of discussion. 227 00:08:21,499 --> 00:08:23,800 And with that, Barry did exactly what he wanted. 228 00:08:23,801 --> 00:08:25,402 He bought the van. 229 00:08:28,039 --> 00:08:29,572 ♪ Duh-duh, duh ♪ 230 00:08:29,573 --> 00:08:31,641 ♪ Duh, duh-duh, duh, duh ♪ 231 00:08:31,642 --> 00:08:33,376 ♪ Duh, duh-duh-duh, duh ♪ 232 00:08:33,377 --> 00:08:35,545 Stop sign! That's a stop sign! 233 00:08:35,546 --> 00:08:36,913 Whoo! 234 00:08:36,914 --> 00:08:38,081 What's that smell? 235 00:08:38,082 --> 00:08:39,282 The smell of action. 236 00:08:45,756 --> 00:08:47,857 What the hell is this thing? 237 00:08:47,858 --> 00:08:50,526 Freedom. My van, my rules. 238 00:08:50,527 --> 00:08:51,894 Whoo! 239 00:08:51,895 --> 00:08:53,896 This is why I eat garbage. 240 00:08:56,577 --> 00:08:59,012 In the standoff of stubbornness with my dad, 241 00:08:59,013 --> 00:09:01,615 Erica had taken the upper hand. 242 00:09:01,616 --> 00:09:03,451 What's wrong with you? 243 00:09:03,518 --> 00:09:05,152 Who buys a crap van 244 00:09:05,153 --> 00:09:07,421 with bald tires, a broken headlight? 245 00:09:07,422 --> 00:09:10,123 And look... it's leaking oil on my driveway. 246 00:09:10,124 --> 00:09:13,193 It's even worse in here. No way! 247 00:09:13,194 --> 00:09:15,562 You're not driving this. It's a death trap. 248 00:09:15,563 --> 00:09:17,831 Forget about driving it. They're not keeping it. 249 00:09:17,832 --> 00:09:20,600 Oh, yes, we are. Face it. I won. 250 00:09:20,601 --> 00:09:22,335 My van, my rules. 251 00:09:22,336 --> 00:09:23,470 Oh, that's too bad 252 00:09:23,471 --> 00:09:25,906 because it's my house, my rules. 253 00:09:25,907 --> 00:09:27,974 House trumps van. 254 00:09:27,975 --> 00:09:30,410 You can't do that. You can't just change the rules. 255 00:09:30,411 --> 00:09:33,813 Well, that is a valid point, but, uh, tough crap. 256 00:09:33,814 --> 00:09:35,916 This isn't fair. We paid for it. 257 00:09:35,917 --> 00:09:37,551 - Paid for it! - With our own money. 258 00:09:37,552 --> 00:09:39,519 - Money! - And if it's your house, your rules, 259 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:41,421 then we'll just move out and live in the van. 260 00:09:41,422 --> 00:09:42,589 Live in a van! 261 00:09:42,590 --> 00:09:44,257 Wait, what? 262 00:09:44,258 --> 00:09:45,558 Don't think of it as a van. 263 00:09:45,559 --> 00:09:47,927 Think of it as a studio apartment of freedom. 264 00:09:47,928 --> 00:09:49,229 I don't think I can agree to live in a van. 265 00:09:49,230 --> 00:09:50,530 Well, I love this idea. 266 00:09:50,531 --> 00:09:51,498 Murray, no! 267 00:09:51,499 --> 00:09:53,967 Our babies can't live in a van. 268 00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:55,135 They could get snatched 269 00:09:55,136 --> 00:09:57,103 by a kidnapper who wouldn't need a creepy van 270 00:09:57,104 --> 00:09:59,439 because he's being conveniently provided with one. 271 00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:00,440 But none of that matters 272 00:10:00,441 --> 00:10:03,410 'cause you completely back me up, right? 273 00:10:03,411 --> 00:10:04,544 Eh. 274 00:10:04,545 --> 00:10:06,346 Blindly and without question? 275 00:10:06,347 --> 00:10:08,448 Fine, I'll back you up. 276 00:10:08,449 --> 00:10:11,885 Even though I did make cobbler à la mode 277 00:10:11,886 --> 00:10:13,052 for dessert tonight. 278 00:10:13,053 --> 00:10:14,120 Ohh. 279 00:10:14,121 --> 00:10:16,189 That's French talk for "pie and ice cream." 280 00:10:16,190 --> 00:10:18,458 Stay with me, and I'll let you paint a red stripe. 281 00:10:18,459 --> 00:10:20,360 How does that sound, Hannibal? 282 00:10:20,361 --> 00:10:21,494 Erica wins! 283 00:10:21,495 --> 00:10:23,630 She called me the TV character I like. 284 00:10:23,631 --> 00:10:26,799 Both Erica and my dad refused to stand down, 285 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:28,735 so I decided to lighten the mood with a little stand-up. 286 00:10:28,736 --> 00:10:30,537 Hello, there, everybody. 287 00:10:30,538 --> 00:10:32,672 Seemed like it was a good time for a little comedy. 288 00:10:32,673 --> 00:10:34,207 - No. No, thank you. - Go away. 289 00:10:34,208 --> 00:10:35,508 So, I hear 290 00:10:35,509 --> 00:10:38,311 Erica is gonna be hanging out in the back of a van. 291 00:10:38,312 --> 00:10:41,514 Or as she likes to call it, a typical Saturday night. 292 00:10:41,515 --> 00:10:43,283 - Zing! - What is this? 293 00:10:43,284 --> 00:10:45,585 And, of course, there's my mom. 294 00:10:45,586 --> 00:10:47,887 Always saying, "I have failed as a mother." 295 00:10:47,888 --> 00:10:48,855 Crazy, right? 296 00:10:48,856 --> 00:10:50,657 Although, if you think about it, 297 00:10:50,658 --> 00:10:52,625 two of her kids are living in a van, 298 00:10:52,626 --> 00:10:54,427 and the other one's gone into comedy. 299 00:10:54,428 --> 00:10:55,695 Ay-oh! 300 00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:57,296 What is this? 301 00:10:57,297 --> 00:10:59,265 And look... there's the Mur-man. 302 00:10:59,266 --> 00:11:01,567 My dad is such a slothful sack of crap, 303 00:11:01,568 --> 00:11:04,837 even his armchair's like, "really? Again?" 304 00:11:04,838 --> 00:11:07,573 - What the hell is this?! - I bombed. 305 00:11:07,574 --> 00:11:08,875 See, the problem here 306 00:11:08,876 --> 00:11:11,310 is you horribly misinterpreted my advice. 307 00:11:11,311 --> 00:11:14,280 You said, "do rickles." I did rickles! 308 00:11:14,281 --> 00:11:18,518 No, I said come up with personal material like Rickles, 309 00:11:18,519 --> 00:11:22,421 not do insult jokes about your family to your family. 310 00:11:22,422 --> 00:11:23,689 The good news is, 311 00:11:23,690 --> 00:11:25,625 you had no problem coming up with the funny. 312 00:11:25,626 --> 00:11:28,094 Now all you got to do is find the right audience. 313 00:11:28,095 --> 00:11:30,196 Really? You think if I come up with something big, 314 00:11:30,197 --> 00:11:31,864 I still have a shot at class clown? 315 00:11:31,865 --> 00:11:33,799 Absolutely. 316 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:36,736 Now, don't misinterpret my advice again. 317 00:11:36,737 --> 00:11:39,138 Don't be hurtful. Just be funny. 318 00:11:39,139 --> 00:11:40,806 I 100% got it. 319 00:11:40,807 --> 00:11:42,241 But I didn't. 320 00:11:42,242 --> 00:11:44,577 Desperate for an easy laugh, I iced a hat box 321 00:11:44,578 --> 00:11:47,346 to give to my overly sensitive science teacher. 322 00:11:47,347 --> 00:11:49,281 And it would be epic. 323 00:11:49,282 --> 00:11:53,019 What's this? It's not even my birthday. 324 00:11:53,020 --> 00:11:55,254 Trust me. You deserve this. 325 00:11:55,255 --> 00:11:57,857 So, you just... 326 00:11:57,858 --> 00:11:58,824 Wow. 327 00:11:59,993 --> 00:12:01,794 You don't know how much this means to me. 328 00:12:01,795 --> 00:12:04,230 I...I honestly thought about quitting this job. 329 00:12:04,231 --> 00:12:06,298 I thought you kids didn't care about science. 330 00:12:06,299 --> 00:12:09,068 But this cake means the world to me, 331 00:12:09,069 --> 00:12:10,369 changes everything. 332 00:12:10,370 --> 00:12:11,871 Thank you so much, Adam. 333 00:12:11,872 --> 00:12:13,706 My new life starts today! 334 00:12:13,707 --> 00:12:16,575 Who wants a piece? 335 00:12:20,547 --> 00:12:23,048 We're looking at what? A mean-spirited prank? 336 00:12:23,049 --> 00:12:24,950 Pretty much. 337 00:12:24,951 --> 00:12:26,418 Okay, then. 338 00:12:26,419 --> 00:12:28,220 Everyone read chapter six. I'll be in my office. 339 00:12:28,221 --> 00:12:29,822 I need some time to think. 340 00:12:29,823 --> 00:12:31,357 Do not knock on this door. 341 00:12:31,358 --> 00:12:33,993 Dude, that was brutal. 342 00:12:33,994 --> 00:12:36,595 Come on, guys. It was a joke. 343 00:12:36,596 --> 00:12:38,030 I-it's me, the class clown. 344 00:12:38,031 --> 00:12:40,299 It's not official, but it could be, right, guys? 345 00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:43,068 I don't know what that was, but it was mean. 346 00:12:43,069 --> 00:12:44,203 Well, at the very least, 347 00:12:44,204 --> 00:12:46,272 maybe now I won't be voted nicest guy. 348 00:12:46,273 --> 00:12:48,207 Just so you know, I was the one who nominated you. 349 00:12:48,208 --> 00:12:49,508 What? Why? 350 00:12:49,509 --> 00:12:51,877 Why not? Since when is being nice a bad thing? 351 00:12:51,878 --> 00:12:53,512 Since we're in middle school. 352 00:12:53,513 --> 00:12:56,015 It's basically the worst thing you can say about a dude. 353 00:12:56,016 --> 00:12:57,116 Not to me. 354 00:12:57,117 --> 00:12:58,751 Everyone is always trying to be funny or cool 355 00:12:58,752 --> 00:13:00,552 or someone they're not. 356 00:13:00,553 --> 00:13:03,322 The last thing I want is to be with some clown. 357 00:13:03,323 --> 00:13:04,823 I just want to be with you. 358 00:13:04,824 --> 00:13:06,458 Or at least, I did. 359 00:13:06,459 --> 00:13:09,762 I was no longer the class clown or the nicest guy in school, 360 00:13:09,763 --> 00:13:11,296 and it felt awful. 361 00:13:11,297 --> 00:13:14,399 Meanwhile, Erica and Barry were feeling even worse 362 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:15,968 in their stinky new home 363 00:13:15,969 --> 00:13:18,771 adorned with a poorly painted red stripe. 364 00:13:18,772 --> 00:13:20,873 God, come on! Would you quit moving?! 365 00:13:20,874 --> 00:13:22,674 You keep kicking me in the face! 366 00:13:22,675 --> 00:13:24,910 Hey, you're the one who wanted to sleep head-to-feet. 367 00:13:24,911 --> 00:13:27,713 Well, I am not sleeping face-to-face with you. It's super weird. 368 00:13:27,714 --> 00:13:31,617 No, what's super weird is we're living in a fricking van. 369 00:13:31,618 --> 00:13:33,952 Look at us. We're van people. 370 00:13:33,953 --> 00:13:35,754 I don't want to be van people. 371 00:13:35,755 --> 00:13:38,123 You should have just filled up his damn gas tank. 372 00:13:38,124 --> 00:13:39,758 Barry, this is not about the gas. 373 00:13:39,759 --> 00:13:41,560 It's about freedom, honor, 374 00:13:41,561 --> 00:13:43,762 and rubbing it in dad's face when I win. 375 00:13:43,763 --> 00:13:44,963 But how long is that gonna take? 376 00:13:44,964 --> 00:13:46,198 Until he cracks. 377 00:13:46,199 --> 00:13:49,234 But dad's too stubborn, and I'm too hungry. 378 00:13:49,235 --> 00:13:52,004 Can't I just sneak in and grab a giant hunk of brisket? 379 00:13:52,005 --> 00:13:53,071 No brisket! 380 00:13:53,072 --> 00:13:55,207 Our days of food and comfort are over. 381 00:13:55,208 --> 00:13:57,676 This van is our home now, 382 00:13:57,677 --> 00:13:59,978 and this canned tuna, our brisket. 383 00:13:59,979 --> 00:14:01,279 Now eat it. 384 00:14:03,883 --> 00:14:05,751 Stop! What are you doing?! 385 00:14:05,752 --> 00:14:07,719 - I can't... I'm tilting it. - You're tilting it! 386 00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:09,855 - I don't belong here, okay?! - Stop tilting it! 387 00:14:09,856 --> 00:14:11,523 - Just take it outside! - Brisket! 388 00:14:13,359 --> 00:14:14,493 Psst. 389 00:14:14,494 --> 00:14:16,495 Mama. 390 00:14:16,496 --> 00:14:18,029 It's me, lovebug. 391 00:14:18,030 --> 00:14:19,865 What are you doing out here? 392 00:14:19,866 --> 00:14:22,501 Eating tuna and getting ready to use the potty bush. 393 00:14:22,502 --> 00:14:24,202 I hate being van people. 394 00:14:24,203 --> 00:14:26,571 Shh. I brought you a home-cooked meal. 395 00:14:26,572 --> 00:14:28,106 Oh! 396 00:14:28,107 --> 00:14:29,074 Yes. 397 00:14:29,075 --> 00:14:30,175 Go to town. 398 00:14:30,176 --> 00:14:32,644 Good boy. Like a little badger. 399 00:14:33,779 --> 00:14:34,813 You. 400 00:14:34,814 --> 00:14:35,914 You. 401 00:14:35,915 --> 00:14:36,948 What is wrong with you?! 402 00:14:36,949 --> 00:14:38,550 You couldn't even last one night? 403 00:14:38,551 --> 00:14:40,352 You were supposed to back me up, Bevy, 404 00:14:40,353 --> 00:14:42,654 and that doesn't mean bringing the boy dinner. 405 00:14:42,655 --> 00:14:44,889 Dear lord, what did he do to that corn?! 406 00:14:44,890 --> 00:14:47,359 Well, I'm sick of this, Murray. Adam was right. 407 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:50,161 I have failed as a mother, literally. 408 00:14:50,162 --> 00:14:53,131 Our children are van people. 409 00:14:53,132 --> 00:14:54,499 Please end this. 410 00:14:54,500 --> 00:14:55,667 Fine. 411 00:14:55,668 --> 00:14:58,336 Barry, I will buy your portion of the van... 412 00:14:58,337 --> 00:15:00,171 Full price, in cash. 413 00:15:00,172 --> 00:15:01,840 - Deal. - Boom! 414 00:15:01,841 --> 00:15:04,576 My van, my rules! I win! 415 00:15:04,577 --> 00:15:05,777 You will never win. 416 00:15:05,778 --> 00:15:08,880 You see this face? This is the face of a winner. 417 00:15:08,881 --> 00:15:10,915 And I don't care how long it takes. 418 00:15:10,916 --> 00:15:13,251 I will crush you with the weight of a thousand suns. 419 00:15:13,252 --> 00:15:14,719 Never! 420 00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:19,127 I will douse your suns with a thousand buckets of water. 421 00:15:19,128 --> 00:15:20,929 Stop. I hate how you two always do this. 422 00:15:20,930 --> 00:15:22,464 Me? It's his fault. 423 00:15:22,465 --> 00:15:24,799 No, it's both of you. 424 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:26,134 You both think you're so different, 425 00:15:26,135 --> 00:15:27,469 but you're exactly the same. 426 00:15:27,470 --> 00:15:29,604 So, if you're not gonna end this, I will. 427 00:15:29,605 --> 00:15:32,173 I demand that you hug each other. 428 00:15:33,809 --> 00:15:36,036 Where are the damn huggies? 429 00:15:38,048 --> 00:15:40,181 Turns out my fake cake for Mr. Woodburn 430 00:15:40,183 --> 00:15:42,117 got me in a very real amount of trouble. 431 00:15:42,118 --> 00:15:43,419 Thanks for coming. 432 00:15:43,420 --> 00:15:45,220 As you know, Adam's little joke 433 00:15:45,221 --> 00:15:49,057 has sent Mr. Woodburn to a very dark and horrible place. 434 00:15:49,058 --> 00:15:53,093 I can assure you, Adam is very sorry for what he did. 435 00:15:53,095 --> 00:15:54,663 I'm really, really sorry. 436 00:15:54,664 --> 00:15:55,930 That's... that's fine. 437 00:15:55,931 --> 00:15:58,767 But we may be dealing with larger issues here. 438 00:15:58,768 --> 00:16:01,703 When a nice boy like Adam acts out, 439 00:16:01,704 --> 00:16:03,805 it's usually because... 440 00:16:03,806 --> 00:16:05,774 Something's going on at home. 441 00:16:05,775 --> 00:16:06,808 What are you saying, Earl? 442 00:16:06,809 --> 00:16:08,276 Well, I'm saying it came to my attention 443 00:16:08,277 --> 00:16:11,946 that a couple of your children are van people. 444 00:16:11,947 --> 00:16:14,682 No, no, no. None of our children are van people. 445 00:16:14,683 --> 00:16:16,618 They tried to live in a van, 446 00:16:16,619 --> 00:16:19,387 but those morons didn't even make it through the night. 447 00:16:19,388 --> 00:16:21,089 What my husband means 448 00:16:21,090 --> 00:16:23,224 is that there was a minor disagreement 449 00:16:23,225 --> 00:16:26,461 that resulted in our kids briefly moving 450 00:16:26,462 --> 00:16:28,229 into a carpeted vehicle. 451 00:16:29,164 --> 00:16:30,164 What you doing? 452 00:16:30,165 --> 00:16:32,433 Um, I'm just taking some notes. 453 00:16:32,434 --> 00:16:33,468 Looks like a "V." 454 00:16:33,469 --> 00:16:35,169 You better not be writing "van people." 455 00:16:35,170 --> 00:16:38,006 I can confirm that the "V" is for "van." 456 00:16:38,007 --> 00:16:39,640 How dare you question our parenting? 457 00:16:39,641 --> 00:16:43,411 I'll have you know that we are very loving and kind, 458 00:16:43,412 --> 00:16:45,012 and each one of our little angels 459 00:16:45,013 --> 00:16:49,317 cherishes every moment spent in our home. 460 00:16:49,318 --> 00:16:50,284 There you are! 461 00:16:50,285 --> 00:16:51,519 Erica's at the bus station. 462 00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:53,654 She told Lainey she's buying a ticket to New York 463 00:16:53,655 --> 00:16:55,656 so she never has to live in your stupid house again. 464 00:16:57,159 --> 00:16:59,060 True to her word, 465 00:16:59,061 --> 00:17:01,395 my sister went to new stubborn heights by fleeing the state. 466 00:17:01,396 --> 00:17:04,398 We're blocked in by a bus?! 467 00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:05,800 How is that even possible?! 468 00:17:05,801 --> 00:17:07,268 It's a school! 469 00:17:07,269 --> 00:17:08,970 We're never gonna make it in time. 470 00:17:08,971 --> 00:17:11,639 Oh, yes, you will. 471 00:17:14,609 --> 00:17:15,910 ♪ Duh-duh, duh, duh ♪ 472 00:17:15,911 --> 00:17:17,545 - Oh! Ohh! - ♪ Ba, ba, ba ♪ 473 00:17:17,546 --> 00:17:19,046 Stop with that song! 474 00:17:19,047 --> 00:17:21,716 Shut up! I love you, but shut up! 475 00:17:27,456 --> 00:17:29,757 No, no, no, no, no, not slower! Faster! 476 00:17:29,758 --> 00:17:32,293 Hit the gas, Barry! 477 00:17:32,294 --> 00:17:33,260 What's happening? 478 00:17:33,261 --> 00:17:34,995 Why isn't my "A-Team" van working? 479 00:17:34,996 --> 00:17:37,064 Look. You ran out of gas. 480 00:17:37,065 --> 00:17:38,933 But there was half a tank this morning. 481 00:17:38,934 --> 00:17:40,935 Morons! 482 00:17:40,936 --> 00:17:44,572 Okay, we got to mobilize and track down my little girl. 483 00:17:44,573 --> 00:17:46,206 I'll call the police and set up a roadblock. 484 00:17:46,207 --> 00:17:48,542 Murray, you call all your new York city furniture contacts. 485 00:17:48,543 --> 00:17:50,511 Honey, she's right there. 486 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:55,582 Ohh, my little munchkin. I got to go squeeze her. 487 00:17:55,583 --> 00:17:58,185 No, no, no, no. 488 00:17:58,186 --> 00:18:01,055 I think I should be the one to talk to her. 489 00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:10,397 Well, if you were trying to kill us from worry, 490 00:18:10,398 --> 00:18:12,866 you're the big winner here. 491 00:18:12,867 --> 00:18:14,034 No, you are. 492 00:18:14,035 --> 00:18:15,102 I know I always talk about 493 00:18:15,103 --> 00:18:17,571 how much I hate this house and your dumb rules. 494 00:18:19,374 --> 00:18:21,542 But when I actually got a chance to go, 495 00:18:21,543 --> 00:18:22,876 I couldn't do it. 496 00:18:22,877 --> 00:18:25,846 Yeah. This one really got away from us. 497 00:18:25,847 --> 00:18:29,283 I am so damn stubborn that I almost ran away 498 00:18:29,284 --> 00:18:31,585 because I didn't want to put gas in the car. 499 00:18:31,586 --> 00:18:32,619 All right. 500 00:18:32,620 --> 00:18:35,088 So, you and me, we don't back down. 501 00:18:35,089 --> 00:18:36,957 I don't see that as a bad thing. 502 00:18:36,958 --> 00:18:39,726 - You don't seriously believe that, do you? - Oh, yeah. 503 00:18:39,727 --> 00:18:42,696 When I was your age, I was a crappy student. 504 00:18:42,697 --> 00:18:45,632 There was this guidance counselor who told me 505 00:18:45,633 --> 00:18:47,267 that I should take up a trade 506 00:18:47,268 --> 00:18:50,303 'cause no college would ever take a guy like me. 507 00:18:50,304 --> 00:18:54,041 So out of spite, I worked my butt off. 508 00:18:54,042 --> 00:18:56,176 I got into penn state, 509 00:18:56,177 --> 00:18:57,444 and that's where I met your mother. 510 00:18:57,445 --> 00:18:58,912 So, I literally wouldn't be here 511 00:18:58,913 --> 00:19:00,847 if you weren't such a pigheaded jerk? 512 00:19:00,848 --> 00:19:02,382 That is correct. 513 00:19:02,383 --> 00:19:06,319 And mark my words, when you do finally leave this house, 514 00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:09,756 the world better watch out. 515 00:19:11,025 --> 00:19:14,294 But give me a few more years. 516 00:19:14,295 --> 00:19:18,265 I'm not ready to let you go just yet. 517 00:19:18,266 --> 00:19:22,035 As my dad and my sister finally embraced who they were, 518 00:19:22,036 --> 00:19:24,104 I realized it was time for me to do the same. 519 00:19:24,105 --> 00:19:27,007 Mr. Woodburn, I made you this. 520 00:19:28,309 --> 00:19:30,010 I don't get it. What's the joke? 521 00:19:30,011 --> 00:19:31,111 No joke. 522 00:19:31,112 --> 00:19:33,780 Just wanted to show my favorite teacher 523 00:19:33,781 --> 00:19:34,948 that I'm sorry. 524 00:19:34,949 --> 00:19:37,884 Favorite? Wow. Thank you. 525 00:19:37,885 --> 00:19:40,353 'Cause in the end, it's not about labels people give you. 526 00:19:40,354 --> 00:19:43,189 It's about being okay with who you really are. 527 00:19:43,190 --> 00:19:44,657 That was nice, Adam. 528 00:19:44,658 --> 00:19:47,060 Yeah, well, that's what I was going for. 529 00:19:47,061 --> 00:19:49,562 And I may not have been the class clown, 530 00:19:49,563 --> 00:19:50,764 but lucky for me, 531 00:19:50,765 --> 00:19:54,267 nice guys don't always finish last. 532 00:19:59,659 --> 00:20:03,589 _ 533 00:20:11,690 --> 00:20:13,690 _ 534 00:20:14,755 --> 00:20:17,123 Please welcome David Sirota! 535 00:20:26,748 --> 00:20:29,847 Okay, enough with this potty mouth in the leather trousers. 536 00:20:29,848 --> 00:20:33,003 I'm gonna show you what funny was back in my day. 537 00:20:34,691 --> 00:20:38,031 ♪ I took my new girl to the fishing hole ♪ 538 00:20:38,032 --> 00:20:41,456 ♪ I gave her my jacket 'cause she was cold ♪ 539 00:20:41,458 --> 00:20:45,210 ♪ I puckered my lips I offered my tongue ♪ 540 00:20:45,212 --> 00:20:48,594 ♪ And that's when she said, "No, thank you we're done." ♪ 541 00:20:48,596 --> 00:20:50,376 Hey! 542 00:20:51,462 --> 00:20:53,125 That was... 543 00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:54,359 Good. 544 00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:56,805 Yeah, I liked the part about the... 545 00:20:56,806 --> 00:20:58,806 What was it? The fishing place? 546 00:20:58,807 --> 00:21:00,212 Hole. 547 00:21:00,213 --> 00:21:02,213 He said "hole"! 548 00:21:02,214 --> 00:21:05,515 sync and correction by solfieri www.addic7ed.com 40235