All language subtitles for S06E12 - Our Parents Ourselves

Go ahead, Sophie, I'm listening.

Hi, Dr. Crane.

My husband's having
some of his friends over

to watch the game on Sunday,

and I think it'd be nice if some
of my girlfriends could come over too.

- Sounds reasonable.
- Exactly.

I mean, it's just football.

Not football, Einstein.
The Super Bowl.

That would be
your doting husband now.

Larry, this is a private conversation.
And for God's sakes, use a plate.

Sophie, why don't you put
your husband on the line?

- Pick up.
- Jeez. Hello?

Larry, I gotta tell you, I'm afraid
I side with your wife on this one.

That just proves you don't know
the first thing about football.

What I do or do not know
about football has...

Okay, how's this?
My wife's friends can come over

if you can answer
even one little football question. Like...

I don't see that's necess...

You're down by six.
You're on your own 40.

Three seconds left.
What do you do?

Well, all right. You would...

You would take your receivers

and line them up

and then throw a pass.

A long, long pass.

Yeah, and what's the name
for that?

A Hail Mary.

Sophie and Larry,
I hope you enjoy the game.

In the meanwhile, this is
Coach Crane saying, I'm listening.

I'm impressed.
You're so good at charades.

I'm impressed
you could mime a virgin.

So, Roz, are you walking out?

No, I got stuff to do.
I've got some cards to rack

and I wanna put together
some Best of Crane tapes.

- Oh, your mother's still in town?
- In town, in my apartment.

And when I left this morning,
in my refrigerator, smelling my milk.

- Oh, Lord.
- I love her,

I just wish I could get a couple of hours
to myself one night.

You know,
why don't you just ask her?

She might enjoy a little time to herself.
I know my dad does.

You are so lucky.
I wish my mother drank alone.

You know, Roz, your mom's about
the same age as my dad, isn't she?

- Yeah, I guess.
- Does she date much?

Since my father left?
Practically never. No, hang on.

No, no, hear me out, Roz.

Now, Dad hasn't dated anybody
since he and Sherry broke up.

I'm starting to worry
he's lost his nerve.

A date with your mom
could be a tremendous favour to him.

- I don't know.
- Oh, come on, I'll tell you what.

It's awkward,
but we can minimise that.

Niles and I are having dinner
with him.

We'll take him to McGinty's,
he'll feel comfortable.

You and your mom
can just happen by.

We'll see what transpires.
They'll never even know it's a fix-up.

Oh, what the hell.
I'll give it a shot, I guess.

- Okay.
- How does 5 sound?

Five? Your mother's ready
for dinner at 5?

I keep her on Wisconsin time.
That way, she's in bed by 8.

Hey, look what I got here, boys.
A Funyun Onion.

The chef sent it over
with his compliments.

I wonder what his insults are like.

- Hey, Bonnie.
- Hey, Marty.

- Oh, you must be Frasier,
- Why, yes.

- The big radio star.
- Hello.

- Your dad is so proud of you.
- Oh, Dad.

He talks about you all the time.
Who's your friend?

Now, what's wrong with you?
I told you about my other son.

Oh, of course. What am I thinking?
Nice to meet you, Eddie.

This is Niles.
How about some beers, Bonnie?

Coming right up.

- Oh, God.
- What?

The group coming in the door.
They're from the Shangri-La.

- Whoa, it's the Coyote! Hey!
- Yes, hello.

Evening, evening, Jimbo.
Check you later.

Wow, you got a nickname
down there already.

- That's great. The Coyote?
- Yes, yes.

And how did you earn
that honorific?

It was quite the merry road, yes.

It evolved from Niles to Nilesy
to Niley to Nile E. Coyote

and now, simply, the Coyote.

Well, just when I thought it couldn't
be refined any further.

Goodness, look who's here.
Roz!

What? We don't see enough
of each other during the day?

Isn't this amazing?

Hello, Joanna.

- It's nice to see you again, Frasier.
- Nice to see you again too.

Please, won't you sit down
and join us?

Oh, no, no, we don't want to intrude.

Oh, no, no, no, please, please, please,
the more the merrier.

All right. Mom, this is Frasier's dad,
Martin Crane.

- This is my mother, Joanna Doyle.
- Very nice to meet you.

- And this is my other son, Niles.
- How do you do?

- It's a pleasure.
- Likewise.

Roz, would you just look
at the two of them?

How did you two manage
to finish all that?

Oh, please, this is how
our generation ate every day.

I used to live on cigarettes, whisky
sours and bacon cheeseburgers.

Yeah, and what about breakfast?

Fried eggs, sausage patties,
hash browns.

My God. Last night,
I ate a profiterole

and lay awake till dawn,
waiting for my heart attack.

Those were simpler times,
weren't they, Marty?

Oh, yeah, we didn't worry
about dumb things like cholesterol.

We worried about putting food
on the table,

keeping the yard clean
and the car shiny.

- And the H-bomb.
- Well, yeah, right.

Say, Roz, we better get going if
we're gonna get our work done tonight.

Oh, I should be running too.

But Mom and I are going
to that jazz club on 5th.

But we promised
to finish those promos tonight.

Oh, right.

- Mom, I'm sorry. I totally forgot.
- It's okay.

Wait, I've got an idea.
Dad, since I'm kidnapping Roz,

why don't you take Joanna
to the jazz club?

Well, sure, I'd love to.

- Is that okay with you, Mom?
- If Martin's game, I'm game.

- Oh, well, perfect.
- Great.

Okay, you kids
just have some coffee.

We'll see you back
at the apartment later, okay?

All right, all right.

- It was very, very nice to meet you.
- Thank you.

Look at them. They think
we don't know this is a setup.

Well, how could we figure it out?

We're just a retired detective
and an attorney general.

You were absolutely right.
They didn't suspect a thing.

I told you, Roz,
just leave it to the master.

God, I thought
they'd be home by now.

Roz, would you please relax
and watch the pageant with us?

They're right in the middle
of the talent competition.

It's shameless the way they're sucking
up to the international panel of judges.

Miss Germany just played
"Lady of Spain" on her French horn.

At least it wasn't half as bad
as that tone-deaf performance

by the aptly named Miss Singapore.

Roz, you're gonna chew
that nail right off. Stop it.

I can't help it. I'm nervous.
Do you think it's gonna turn out okay?

- Who cares?
- Not for Miss Brazil.

Look at the tree trunks on her.
She's her own little rainforest.

I just keep worrying that
she's gonna have a lousy time

and it'll be all my fault.
Screwing up, like always.

Oh, come on, Roz, your mother
doesn't think you're a screw-up.

Yeah? In high school,
I ran my own informal shoplifting clinic.

In college, I dropped out of pre-law

because it interfered with
Bruce Springsteen's touring schedule.

And now,
I am currently an unwed mother.

- What would you call me?
- Tramp.

Daphne!

It's Miss Venezuela.

If that dress of hers was slit
any higher, you could see Caracas.

Oh, Roz, you know what?
So what if they don't get along?

I mean, my God,
so we made a mistake.

You don't understand.
My mother doesn't make mistakes.

She does everything well.
She's smart, successful, classy.

Oh, what the hell was I thinking?

About what?
Setting her up with my father?

- No, that's not what I meant.
- That is exactly what you meant.

Well, okay, Frasier.

No offence, your father
is a very nice man, but let's face it.

My mother was the attorney general
of Wisconsin.

Well, I hope he remembers
to curtsy before the Dairy Queen.

This is ridiculous.
I'm gonna watch this in my room.

Miss Finland just laid out her plan
to end world hunger and I missed it.

- Oh, Lord, okay.
- They're back.

Oh, Roz,
that is the best promo of all.

Oh, hi. How was your evening?

Oh, the jazz was first-rate,
but I'm afraid I talked Martin's ear off.

Oh, you're crazy. Your mother
tells wonderful stories, Roz.

- I could have listened to her all night.
- You are either too kind or a little tipsy.

But thank you.

- Come on, Lambie.
- Okay, let me get my coat.

I really had a lovely time.

Well, I can't remember
when I had a better time.

We're gonna have to do this again.

- Bye, Frasier.
- Good night, Joanna.

- Lambie.
- Bye.

So tell me all about it. Come on.

Well, being a gentleman,
I don't wanna go into details.

- So suffice it to say, it stunk!
- What?

That was the dullest evening
of my life.

- The way she drones on and on.
- Oh, no.

Do you know how many
metric tons of eggs

Wisconsin produces every year?

- No.
- Well, I do.

Look, Frasier,
I know you meant well.

But if you ever set me up again,
I'll kill you in your sleep. Good night.

Roz.

I told my mom to meet me downstairs.
I just had to come up and tell you.

She had the best time.

She can't wait to go out
with your father again.

Will you tell him
to call her tomorrow?

Frasier, this whole thing
worked out like a dream.

It's amazing.
Her voice is still echoing in my head.

Yes, it's like a fairy tale
over here too.

I've just got to find
some way to tell Roz.

Well, why?
It's just gonna hurt her mom's feelings.

Her feelings
are gonna be hurt anyway.

She's here till Sunday.
She's expecting him to call.

Oh, dear God.

At least this way,
Roz can let her down easy.

It looks like both of us have
difficult conversations ahead of us.

- What's yours?
- All week long,

I have been getting less coffee
and more foam in my cappuccino.

It's about time for someone
to raise a little hell.

Who's on steamer duty?

Well, it's that hulking fellow, Thad.

The one who doesn't react when
his arm touches the steamer nozzle.

Where is that suggestion box?

- Oh, hey, Frasier.
- Oh, Roz, hi.

Double espresso to go, please.

Listen, I really need
to thank you again.

My mother had the best time
last night.

And when we got home,
we started talking.

We ended up staying up
half the night.

- Oh, Roz, I'm glad for you, but...
- It was like a wall came down.

She just opened up to me.

She started telling me
about how hard it was on her

when my dad left
and how Ionely she's been.

It was like she was talking
to a girlfriend,

instead of her screw-up daughter.

So has Martin called her yet?

No. But he will, soon.

He had a really busy morning.

How does his weekend look?
Because she's leaving Sunday night.

Sunday? Oh, well, let's see.

Tonight is poker night.
That's no good.

Saturday, he's made plans
to drive Duke to Tacoma

for that all-day Tacoma fest.

Well, and Sunday we go to a matinee
and then I drive her to the airport.

Oh, darn.

Wait a minute, I can give my ticket
to Martin and they can go together.

No, no, no, Sunday's no good,
because that's...

- Oh, right. It's the Super Bowl.
- Right. The Super Bowl.

And you know how Dad is
about football. It's like a religion to him.

In fact, he's made Niles and I promise
that we'd watch it with him this year.

Oh, well, okay, let's just forget
about the tickets

and we'll come over to your place
and watch the game.

Is there any reason
why that won't work?

Not that I can come up with.

That's great.
My mom's gonna be so excited.

- Oh, thank you, Niles.
- Oh, yeah.

I'll see you Sunday
at your Super Bowl party.

I see you told Roz the news
and she went insane.

Couldn't do it.

Told her we were watching
the Super Bowl with Dad,

and she and her mother
are coming over.

This is a nightmare.

I know, I know.
I've got to find some way to tell Dad.

I have to watch the Super Bowl?

Suppose the sooner I tell him,
the better.

Oh, not necessarily.

- What do you mean?
- Well, you know Dad.

If you warn him Joanna's coming over,
he'll just bolt to McGinty's.

If I were you, I would wait
till five minutes before game time,

then spring it on him.
That way, he has no choice but to stay.

Well, I think I owe him more
than five minutes' warning.

Besides that, Dad would never
deliberately hurt Joanna

by standing her up.

He is first and foremost
a gentleman.

I saw Roz, so I hid outside

in case that old gasbag of
a mother was with her.

Well, I guess she wasn't.
Everybody's still awake.

Here we go.

Look at those guys
in the locker room.

Nervous, hearts pounding,
probably a little sick to their stomachs.

- The poor kids.
- Yes.

Until I got out of high school,

I didn't know there was any other way
to feel in a locker room.

What's the matter with you?
You keep looking at your watch.

- Was I?
- Yeah.

Is there something on your mind?

No. No, no, no.

But there's something I need to talk
to you about, but now is not the time.

- Now is the time.
- Just let me get the door.

No, Dad, that's what I have
to talk to you about.

See, that's gonna be Roz
and her mother.

- What?
- Well,

Joanna had such a good time
with you the other night,

and you did say
that you would see her again.

Rather than send her home
with her feelings hurt,

- I told her you wanted her here.
- What, like a date?

That's the beauty of it.
It's like a date, but it's not a date.

You just, you know, make small talk.
You pass the dip.

No, Frasier, you don't understand.

Look, Dad, I know that you found her
a little less than scintillating,

but please,
it'll be over before you know it.

Hey, Frasier.

- Hi, Bonnie.
- Martin.

Hey, Bonnie, glad you could make it.
Let me hold that, yes.

See, this is what I was trying
to tell you, Frasier.

- I invited Bonnie.
- Oh, how nice.

So, what do you got here?

Oh, it's my special devilled ham
in the shape of a football.

But I still need to put on
some macaroni laces.

Oh, okay. Well, the kitchen's
right down there.

Just holler if you need anything.

What did you invite her for?

I like her, I thought
I might want to ask her out

and if she came over,
that'd be a step in the right direction.

You know, I mean,
like a date, but not a date.

That's gonna be Roz
and her mother.

Should I put some coffee on
while I'm here?

You better. We're gonna need it.

Come on, would it kill you to be civil
for the length of one Super Bowl?

What is that,
an hour out of your life?

- Hi.
- Hi. Oh, sorry, come on in.

- Thank you so much for inviting us.
- It wouldn't be any fun without you.

Could you show my mom
where Alice can finish her nap?

I'm sure Dad would love to. Dad?

My pleasure, yeah.
Just come this way, Joanna.

So you're a big football fan?

No, actually,
I've never even seen a game.

I was hoping you would explain
as we go along.

Okay, who's hungry?

Oh, hi, I'm Bonnie.

Hi. From McGinty's.
Oh, I didn't know you were coming.

Yeah, Martin invited me.
He was real cute about it.

He checked with all the waitresses
to find out if I was single.

Yes, well, you know how Dad is.
He's always trying to...

Hey, hey, the Coyote.

- Find a new girl for Niles.

Niles, you remember Bonnie.
She waited on us at McGinty's.

Oh, yes, of course.
I'll have a vodka martini, very dry.

Don't be silly, Niles.
Bonnie is here as our guest.

Yeah, your dad thought
you two might hit it off.

The Super Bowl and a date.
Hot diggity.

Well, come here.
You're just in time for my specialty.

Isn't that interesting?
Something formerly ham.

- Well, I'm off to the cinema.
- You're not staying for the game?

Sorry, but American football's
not for me.

And they're showing
Wuthering Heights downtown.

I think it's the most romantic movie
ever made.

- You're going alone?
- Yes, unfortunately.

It's more fun to go with someone.

Except, of course,
it always ends the same way.

Me weeping
all over me date's shoulder,

while he does what he can
to comfort me.

Well, you should've seen me cry
putting onions in this ham loaf.

I must have gone through
a whole roll of toilet paper.

Well, enjoy your game.

Frasier, may I see you
in the kitchen?

That's amazing.
You do all that you do

and still have time to be a docent at
the cheese museum on the weekends.

Frasier, can I see you
in the kitchen?

Just a second, Dad.
I gotta take drink orders in here.

Thanks for setting me up
with that SPAM-happy tootsie.

What are you talking about?

Bonnie. Frasier told me
you invited her here for me.

I invited her here for me.
He said I invited her for you

because he didn't wanna hurt
Miss Boring's feelings.

Now, now, no private conversations.
Your dates are waiting.

- They're not our dates.
- We hate them.

Now, listen, I realise
that this is a very difficult situation,

but if we all cooperate,
we can send everybody home happy.

And, Dad, if you would like,

you can discreetly take Bonnie aside
and tell her what's going on.

- Bonnie, can I tell you something?
- I said discreetly.

I think the game is about to start.

Oh, that reminds me.
I wanna get Alice's bottle warming.

- Oh, you have a baby?
- Oh, the most adorable little girl.

Yeah, she's a real beaut.
You ought to see her, Bonnie.

- You can come when I feed her.
- No, you go ahead and get that ready.

I'll show Bonnie.
It's right through there.

Now, Dad, don't you get fresh
with Niles' girl there.

Oh, I won't if he won't.

Your father is really smitten
with that baby, isn't he?

I think he's just got a weak spot
for the Doyle women.

- Oh, now.
- Yes.

Well, he may appear
to have a crusty exterior,

but deep down inside,
Dad's just an old softy.

Well, there's the kid.

Kind of a gooney-looking thing,
isn't she?

Is that Dad?

Look, Bonnie,
I gotta tell you something.

I didn't ask you here for Niles.
I asked you here for me.

It's the baby monitor. We should...

- I wanna hear this.
- I thought you were with Joanna.

No, no, Frasier and Roz
set us up last week.

I told Frasier
I thought she was a big snooze,

especially compared to the fun
you and I have at the bar,

but he stuck me with her again.

You know, I think they know it's on.

- They're just having some fun with us.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, I better go tell him...
- Frasier, Frasier, just stay put.

Then Niles isn't my date?
Oh, there's a relief.

- I mean, no offence, Marty, but...
- Hey, you don't have to tell me.

Okay. If anybody wants me,
I'll be at the movies.

So you really like me?
You're not just pulling my leg?

- You want proof?
- I think we can turn this off now.

Joanna, I am so sorry.

- I know it sounded bad, but...
- No, no, no, not at all.

I'm sure your father meant "big
snooze" in the most flattering sense.

- Roz, maybe we should leave.
- What were you thinking?

Oh, Roz, I certainly wasn't thinking
that he had a date planned.

I'm just gonna get Alice.
Mom, I'm so sorry.

Believe me, 20 years in politics,

I've been called worse things
than boring.

Well, I hope you'll understand if
I just slip out

- without saying goodbye to Martin.
- Of course, Joanna.

The last thing we need today
is another awkward situation.

Roz, knock, will you?!

- I left my diaper bag.
- Right. Here you go.

- Can you come in for a bit?
- I really shouldn't.

Roz, I'm so sorry.

It's all right.

I mean, I'm not gonna say
that my mother wasn't hurt.

But she did start to smile a little bit
about it on the way to the airport.

You know, I've been, well, sitting here,

trying to figure out why I was so eager
to play matchmaker for Dad.

Oh, you're not alone.

I mean, I was excited
once I thought it was going well.

Well, I suspect I wasn't doing it so
much for him as it was doing it for me.

You know, I see him here all the time,
all alone.

I wonder if maybe
that's not gonna be me someday.

Oh, my God,
I think the same thing sometimes

when I see these older ladies
in my building.

They all wanna babysit Alice,
just for the company.

I mean, she's a cute baby,
but she ain't no Dorothy Parker.

Oh, well, you know,
we're both gonna be fine.

- Yeah.
- I was just thinking, though,

if we want to play it safe,
we could make one of those pacts.

Oh, you mean like, in 40 years,
if neither one of us finds anyone...?

Yeah, exactly.
We'll marry each other.

I was gonna say kill each other.

Well, six of one. Bye.