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[Man Narrating]
The island of Manhattan...
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00:02:30,276 --> 00:02:35,239
derives its name from its earliest
inhabitants, the Manhattan Indians.
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00:02:35,323 --> 00:02:40,578
They were a peaceful tribe—
setting traps, fishing, hunting.
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00:02:40,662 --> 00:02:42,580
And there was a custom among them.
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00:02:42,664 --> 00:02:47,335
Every July, when the heat and the humidity
on the island became unbearable,
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00:02:47,418 --> 00:02:50,963
they would send their wives
and children away for the summer,
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00:02:51,047 --> 00:02:53,716
up the river to the cooler highlands,
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00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:57,970
or, if they could afford it,
to the seashore.
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00:02:58,054 --> 00:03:01,724
The husbands, of course, would remain
behind on the steaming island...
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00:03:01,808 --> 00:03:06,646
to attend to business—
setting traps, fishing and hunting.
11
00:03:13,236 --> 00:03:17,657
Actually, our story has nothing
whatsoever to do with Indians.
12
00:03:17,740 --> 00:03:21,369
It plays 500 years later.
13
00:03:21,452 --> 00:03:24,038
[Man On P.A. ]
... Portland, Rockland,
14
00:03:24,122 --> 00:03:27,041
Plymouth and Bar Harbor.
15
00:03:27,125 --> 00:03:29,001
Departing at 6:30—
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00:03:29,127 --> 00:03:30,904
[Narrator] We only brought
up the subject to show
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00:03:30,904 --> 00:03:33,363
you that in all that
time nothing has changed.
18
00:03:33,423 --> 00:03:36,926
Manhattan husbands still send
their wives and kids away for the summer,
19
00:03:37,009 --> 00:03:40,638
and they still remain behind
in the steaming city to attend to business—
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00:03:40,722 --> 00:03:44,225
setting traps, fishing and hunting.
21
00:03:44,308 --> 00:03:46,769
Now we want you to meet
a typical Manhattan husband...
22
00:03:46,853 --> 00:03:48,896
whose family is leaving for the summer.
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00:03:48,980 --> 00:03:53,317
This is Mr. Richard Sherman.
This is his wife, Helen, and his son Ricky.
24
00:03:53,401 --> 00:03:55,695
[ Toy Gun Buzzing ]
25
00:03:55,778 --> 00:03:58,072
Ricky, what are you doing?
26
00:03:58,156 --> 00:04:01,784
He’s an interplanetary spy,
and I’m blasting him into space dust.
27
00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:04,579
- [ Buzzes ]
- Now cut it out and take that thing off.
28
00:04:04,662 --> 00:04:07,039
You’re going to Maine, not to Mars.
Good-bye, Helen.
29
00:04:07,165 --> 00:04:11,002
- Oh, good-bye, Richard.
- But, Mommy, why can’t Daddy come up with us?
30
00:04:11,085 --> 00:04:13,755
Oh, poor Daddy has to stay
in the hot city and make money.
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00:04:13,838 --> 00:04:15,798
Don’t worry about me, Ricky.
I’ll be fine.
32
00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:18,827
You’ll be fine.
But how will I get my allowance?
33
00:04:18,852 --> 00:04:21,037
- I’ll mail it to ya.
- Now, remember, darling,
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00:04:21,062 --> 00:04:23,163
you promised to eat properly and not smoke.
- I know.
35
00:04:23,264 --> 00:04:25,141
- Like Dr. Murphy tells you.
- I know, dear.
36
00:04:25,266 --> 00:04:27,935
- And you promised not to drink for a while,
like Dr. Summers told you.
37
00:04:28,019 --> 00:04:29,337
- I know, dear.
- Don’t worry. I’ll call you tonight at ten
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00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:30,796
to make sure you’re all right.
39
00:04:30,897 --> 00:04:32,815
- Good-bye, Helen. Good-bye, Ricky.
- Bye, darling.
40
00:04:32,899 --> 00:04:35,067
[ Kissing ]
Mmm. Let me kiss ya.
41
00:04:36,110 --> 00:04:39,489
- Take that thing off!
- Mommy, Mommy! He’s shutting off my oxygen!
42
00:04:39,614 --> 00:04:43,868
- Come on! We’ll miss the train.
- [ Gun Buzzing ]
43
00:04:46,204 --> 00:04:49,957
Hey, Helen! Ricky!
The paddle! You forgot the paddle!
44
00:04:50,082 --> 00:04:52,001
- Ticket, mister?
- No ticket! The paddle!
45
00:04:52,084 --> 00:04:54,003
I’m not going anyplace.
My son forgot the paddle.
46
00:04:54,086 --> 00:04:58,132
Sorry, mister. Only those holding tickets
admitted through the gates.
47
00:05:12,063 --> 00:05:14,607
Oh, no. Not me. Not me.
48
00:05:15,608 --> 00:05:17,985
And I’m not gonna smoke either.
49
00:05:18,069 --> 00:05:20,154
Look at them.
Isn’t that awful?
50
00:05:20,238 --> 00:05:22,406
Train isn’t even
out of the station yet.
51
00:05:23,741 --> 00:05:25,827
[ Sighs ]
Gotta get back to the office.
52
00:05:25,910 --> 00:05:27,829
Man, is this hot.
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00:05:29,330 --> 00:05:32,542
[Narrator] Maybe you’d like to know
a few more facts about Mr. Sherman.
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00:05:32,625 --> 00:05:35,837
He works for a publishing firm,
Brady & Company.
55
00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:40,675
They’re publishing those pocket editions—
you know, two bits in any drugstore.
56
00:05:40,758 --> 00:05:42,844
Old Mr. Brady is the boss.
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00:05:42,927 --> 00:05:46,180
But to tell you the truth,
Mr. Sherman is the key man.
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00:05:46,264 --> 00:05:48,933
He keeps the whole operation together.
59
00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:51,811
In the 25-cent book business,
you can sell anything,
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00:05:51,894 --> 00:05:55,106
even the old classics,
no matter how dreary they are.
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00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:58,150
The trick is,
you’ve got to soup up the title a little...
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00:05:58,234 --> 00:06:01,487
and get yourself a cheerful
and interesting cover.
63
00:06:01,571 --> 00:06:03,865
It’s all a question of imagination.
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00:06:03,948 --> 00:06:07,535
And Mr. Sherman...
has a lot of imagination.
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00:06:09,787 --> 00:06:11,873
[ Nervous Chuckle ]
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00:06:11,956 --> 00:06:13,875
That’ll be all, Miss Morris.
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00:06:16,127 --> 00:06:20,381
[Door Closes]
Oh, no. Not me. Not me.
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00:06:23,175 --> 00:06:25,553
And I’m not gonna smoke either.
69
00:06:25,636 --> 00:06:28,723
[ Sighs ] Some husbands think that because
their wives are away for the summer,
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00:06:28,806 --> 00:06:32,685
they can just run wild,
do any terrible thing they want.
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00:06:32,768 --> 00:06:34,729
Like Charlie Lederer last summer.
72
00:06:34,812 --> 00:06:38,774
Annie hadn’t been gone two days when
Charlie went out and got himself tattooed.
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00:06:38,858 --> 00:06:42,695
Big, green dragon on his chest
a butterfly on each shoulder.
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00:06:42,820 --> 00:06:45,823
Not me. Oh, no. Work, work, work—
[ Pencil Breaks ]
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00:06:45,907 --> 00:06:49,160
[ Sighs ]
I’m gonna work here till 6:00.
76
00:06:49,243 --> 00:06:51,871
Then I’ll have dinner
at the saloon on the corner. No.
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00:06:51,954 --> 00:06:55,750
No saloon.
No drinking, like Dr. Summers said.
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00:06:55,833 --> 00:06:59,837
I know what I’ll do. I’ll try that vegetarian
restaurant on Third Avenue.
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00:06:59,921 --> 00:07:02,423
Health food. That’s the stuff.
80
00:07:02,506 --> 00:07:06,260
The human body is a very delicate machine,
a precision instrument.
81
00:07:06,344 --> 00:07:09,722
You can’t run it on martinis
and Hungarian goulash,
82
00:07:09,805 --> 00:07:11,766
especially in this hot weather.
83
00:07:13,184 --> 00:07:15,436
Miss. [ Clears Throat ]
May I have a check, please?
84
00:07:15,519 --> 00:07:19,106
Oh, yes, sir. Hmm.
Well, now, let’s see, um—
85
00:07:19,190 --> 00:07:21,108
We had the number seven special:
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00:07:21,192 --> 00:07:23,903
soya bean hamburger
with French-fried soya beans,
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00:07:23,986 --> 00:07:26,238
soya bean sherbet
and peppermint tea.
88
00:07:26,322 --> 00:07:29,367
Don’t forget.
I had a cocktail to start.
89
00:07:29,450 --> 00:07:33,120
Oh, yes. We had the sauerkraut juice
on the rocks, didn’t we?
90
00:07:33,204 --> 00:07:36,082
You will be proud to know
that your entire meal, with a cocktail,
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00:07:36,165 --> 00:07:38,250
was only 260 calories.
92
00:07:38,376 --> 00:07:43,631
- I am proud.
- That will be $1.27.
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00:07:43,756 --> 00:07:47,093
- Keep the change.
- Oh, we don’t permit tipping.
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00:07:47,176 --> 00:07:50,137
But, if you like I can put it in a fund
for our nudist camp.
95
00:07:50,262 --> 00:07:52,765
- You do that.
- Oh, thank you, sir.
96
00:07:52,848 --> 00:07:55,101
Nudism is such
a worthy cause.
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00:07:55,184 --> 00:07:57,520
We must bring the message
to the people.
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00:07:57,603 --> 00:08:00,648
We must teach them to unmask
their poor, suffocating bodies...
99
00:08:00,731 --> 00:08:02,733
and let them breathe again.
100
00:08:02,817 --> 00:08:04,735
Clothes are the enemy.
101
00:08:04,819 --> 00:08:07,488
Without clothes, there’d be no sickness,
there’d be no war.
102
00:08:07,571 --> 00:08:11,659
I ask you, sir, can you imagine
two great armies on the battlefield,
103
00:08:11,742 --> 00:08:14,286
no uniforms, completely nude?
104
00:08:14,370 --> 00:08:16,247
No way of telling
friend from foe.
105
00:08:16,372 --> 00:08:19,333
- All brothers, together.
- Good night.
106
00:08:19,417 --> 00:08:21,669
Just a moment, sir.
107
00:08:21,794 --> 00:08:25,715
- You forgot your paddle.
- Oh. Thank you.
108
00:08:40,312 --> 00:08:42,273
I like this house.
109
00:08:42,356 --> 00:08:45,526
Why does Helen keep talking about moving
into one of those big, enormous buildings...
110
00:08:45,609 --> 00:08:48,654
that look like
Riot in Cell Block 1 1?
111
00:08:48,738 --> 00:08:54,201
It’s so much nicer here. Just three
apartments: ours, the Kaufmans upstairs,
112
00:08:54,285 --> 00:08:56,620
and then those two guys
on the top floor—
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00:08:56,704 --> 00:08:58,622
interior decorators or something.
114
00:09:06,964 --> 00:09:09,091
[ Sighs ]
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00:09:11,135 --> 00:09:13,387
It’s peaceful
with everybody gone.
116
00:09:13,471 --> 00:09:15,389
Sure is peaceful.
117
00:09:15,473 --> 00:09:18,476
No Howdy Doody,
no Captain Video.
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00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:23,689
No smell of cooking, no “What happened
at the office today, darling?’’
119
00:09:23,773 --> 00:09:26,817
What happened at the office?
Well, I shot Mr. Brady in the head,
120
00:09:26,901 --> 00:09:28,903
made violent love to Miss Morris...
121
00:09:28,986 --> 00:09:32,073
and set fire to 300,000 copies
of Little Women.
122
00:09:32,156 --> 00:09:34,325
That’s what happened
at the office.
123
00:09:36,327 --> 00:09:38,245
What can happen at the office?
124
00:09:38,329 --> 00:09:40,956
It sure is peaceful.
125
00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:50,883
“Use the opener, Richard.’’
126
00:09:50,966 --> 00:09:52,885
[ Scoffs ]
127
00:09:54,386 --> 00:09:56,305
Mmm.
128
00:09:56,388 --> 00:09:58,474
[ Sighs ]
129
00:10:01,018 --> 00:10:02,937
[ Gulps ]
130
00:10:04,563 --> 00:10:07,608
“Contains carbonated water,
citric acid, corn syrup,
131
00:10:07,691 --> 00:10:09,944
“artificial raspberry flavoring,
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00:10:10,027 --> 00:10:13,531
pure vegetable colors
and preservative.’’
133
00:10:13,614 --> 00:10:17,243
I would like Dr. Summers to explain to me
why this stuff should be better for you...
134
00:10:17,326 --> 00:10:20,663
than a little scotch, plain water
and a twist of lemon.
135
00:10:20,746 --> 00:10:23,666
I’d really like to know.
136
00:10:23,749 --> 00:10:27,002
Helen’s gonna call at 10:00.
[ Sighs ]
137
00:10:27,086 --> 00:10:30,464
Well, I guess I’d better do
a little reading.
138
00:10:30,548 --> 00:10:34,301
I brought Dr. Brubaker’s
manuscript home with me and—
139
00:10:34,385 --> 00:10:36,178
[Gasps]
140
00:10:41,225 --> 00:10:43,144
Ricky!
141
00:10:43,227 --> 00:10:45,980
Okay. Where is it?
142
00:10:46,063 --> 00:10:48,482
Where is the other one?
143
00:10:48,566 --> 00:10:52,153
I know it’s lurking here
somewhere to get me.
144
00:10:52,236 --> 00:10:55,406
Where is Captain Video’s
other roller skate?
145
00:10:55,573 --> 00:10:57,616
[Doorbell Buzzes]
146
00:10:59,368 --> 00:11:01,287
Now, who’s that?
147
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:12,006
[Door Lock Buzzes]
148
00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:17,928
Yes? What is it?
149
00:11:18,053 --> 00:11:21,098
I’m terribly sorry to bother you,
but I forgot the key to my front door,
150
00:11:21,123 --> 00:11:22,332
so I had to ring your bell.
151
00:11:22,391 --> 00:11:25,936
- I feel so silly.
- It’s perfectly all right.
152
00:11:27,938 --> 00:11:29,857
Anytime.
153
00:11:29,940 --> 00:11:31,984
Anything else
I can do for you?
154
00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:34,028
Yes. Would you mind
pressing it again?
155
00:11:34,153 --> 00:11:37,406
- Press what?
- The button. My fan’s caught in the door.
156
00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:40,701
Oh. Oh!
Of course.
157
00:11:40,784 --> 00:11:42,953
[Buzzes]
Thank you.
158
00:11:43,078 --> 00:11:45,915
- Do you live in our building?
- Yes, in the Kaufmans’ apartment.
159
00:11:45,998 --> 00:11:48,209
I took it for the summer
while they’re away in Europe.
160
00:11:48,292 --> 00:11:50,878
Well, isn’t that nice?
I know you’ll be very happy here.
161
00:11:50,961 --> 00:11:55,299
It’s a very charming little building.
Very quiet— no dogs, no children.
162
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:57,509
Just two interior decorators and you.
[ Chuckling ]
163
00:11:57,593 --> 00:12:00,012
And, of course, me.
[ Neck Cracks, Gasps ]
164
00:12:00,095 --> 00:12:02,014
You all right?
165
00:12:02,097 --> 00:12:04,516
Oh, sure. Fine, fine.
166
00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:06,810
Well, good night.
167
00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:08,812
[ Neck Cracking ]
Good night.
168
00:12:17,488 --> 00:12:19,406
Well, now.
169
00:12:21,617 --> 00:12:25,287
Maybe I should have asked her in for
a drink. Just being neighborly.
170
00:12:25,371 --> 00:12:29,375
Make her feel at home.
After all, we’re all one big family here.
171
00:12:33,921 --> 00:12:35,839
Oh, no. No.
172
00:12:54,191 --> 00:12:55,359
[Key Clatters]
173
00:12:56,402 --> 00:13:00,239
[ Sighs ] I’ve got to get to work
on the Brubaker book.
174
00:13:00,322 --> 00:13:05,661
I’ve really got to. I’m going to talk to him
about it tomorrow. So I’d better.
175
00:13:05,744 --> 00:13:10,249
“Of Man and the Unconscious,
by Dr. Ludwig Brubaker.’’
176
00:13:10,332 --> 00:13:13,669
Some title.
Boy, we’ll have to soup this one up.
177
00:13:13,752 --> 00:13:15,713
That’s for sure.
178
00:13:22,761 --> 00:13:25,014
10:00.
179
00:13:25,097 --> 00:13:27,599
Helen’s not gonna call till 10:00.
180
00:13:29,018 --> 00:13:31,979
But I hope this thing
keeps me awake till 10:00.
181
00:13:32,062 --> 00:13:34,815
[Yawning ]
182
00:13:34,898 --> 00:13:37,234
“Chapter Three.
183
00:13:37,318 --> 00:13:39,820
“The Repressed Urge
in the Middle-aged Male—
184
00:13:39,903 --> 00:13:42,614
Its Roots and Its Consequences.’’
185
00:13:44,950 --> 00:13:47,995
You know, Helen has a lot of nerve
calling me at 10:00.
186
00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:51,457
It shows a very definite
lack of trust.
187
00:13:51,540 --> 00:13:55,002
What does she think I’m gonna do,
start smoking the minute she turns her back?
188
00:13:55,085 --> 00:13:58,172
Get drunk maybe?
Or tattooed?
189
00:13:58,255 --> 00:14:01,759
Charlie. Big green dragon.
Honest to—
190
00:14:01,925 --> 00:14:04,720
I’ll bet she thinks
I’m gonna have girls up here.
191
00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:07,723
You know,
that’s a terrible thing.
192
00:14:07,806 --> 00:14:10,934
Seven years we’ve been married,
and not once have I done anything like that.
193
00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:14,897
Not once. And don’t think
I couldn’t have either.
194
00:14:14,980 --> 00:14:18,692
Because I could have. Plenty.
195
00:14:18,776 --> 00:14:21,111
But plenty.
196
00:14:22,196 --> 00:14:25,074
[ Woman Laughing]
197
00:14:25,157 --> 00:14:27,076
Don’t laugh, Helen.
198
00:14:27,159 --> 00:14:30,829
For your information, I happen to be
tremendously attractive to women.
199
00:14:30,954 --> 00:14:34,291
You’re attractive to me, darling,
But then, of course, I’m used to you.
200
00:14:34,375 --> 00:14:37,836
This is not a thing that one likes to
discuss with one’s wife,
201
00:14:37,961 --> 00:14:41,965
but you might as well know that women have
been throwing themselves at me for years.
202
00:14:42,091 --> 00:14:45,386
[Helen Laughing]
That’s right, Helen.
203
00:14:45,469 --> 00:14:47,679
Beautiful ones,
plenty of ’em.
204
00:14:47,805 --> 00:14:51,475
- Acres and acres of ’em.
- Name one.
205
00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:53,769
It’s hard, I mean,
just offhand.
206
00:14:53,894 --> 00:14:56,814
There’ve been plenty of ’em though.
[Helen Laughing]
207
00:14:56,897 --> 00:15:00,692
All right, you asked for it.
Take my secretary, for instance.
208
00:15:00,776 --> 00:15:05,781
To you, she’s just nothing. A Miss Morris,
a Dictaphone, a piece of office furniture,
209
00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:08,450
10 fingers to type my letters.
[ Intercom Buzzing ]
210
00:15:08,534 --> 00:15:11,286
Well, let me tell you—
211
00:15:11,412 --> 00:15:14,748
- Miss Morris, did you type this letter?
- Yes, Mr. Sherman.
212
00:15:14,832 --> 00:15:18,168
There are six typographical errors
in the first paragraph alone.
213
00:15:18,293 --> 00:15:20,671
- What is the matter with you, Miss Morris?
- Well, I—
214
00:15:20,754 --> 00:15:24,091
Come now, Miss Morris.
What is the matter with you?
215
00:15:24,174 --> 00:15:26,093
I’ll tell you
what’s the matter with me.
216
00:15:26,176 --> 00:15:28,387
I’m in love with you!
That’s what’s the matter with me!
217
00:15:28,470 --> 00:15:30,764
I have been ever since
the first day I came here.
218
00:15:30,848 --> 00:15:34,268
Deeply, madly, desperately,
all-consumingly.
219
00:15:34,351 --> 00:15:36,270
And what am I to you?
Nothing!
220
00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:38,355
Just a piece of furniture,
a Dictaphone,
221
00:15:38,439 --> 00:15:41,108
10 fingers to type
your miserable letters with!
222
00:15:41,191 --> 00:15:43,277
Mr. Sherman,
take a look at me.
223
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:46,447
I’m a woman!
A woman, do you hear?
224
00:15:46,530 --> 00:15:49,741
With flesh and blood
and nerves and feelings!
225
00:15:49,825 --> 00:15:52,661
I’m in love with you!
I need you! I want you!
226
00:15:52,786 --> 00:15:55,622
I want you! I want—
[ Muffled Exclamations ]
227
00:16:00,961 --> 00:16:02,880
That will be all,
Miss Morris.
228
00:16:04,465 --> 00:16:06,383
Oh!
[ Gasps ]
229
00:16:06,467 --> 00:16:09,011
Oh!
[ Crying ]
230
00:16:16,059 --> 00:16:18,812
You remember that torn shirt,
don’t you, Helen?
231
00:16:18,896 --> 00:16:21,064
Well, now you know
how it happened.
232
00:16:21,148 --> 00:16:25,861
[ Chuckling ] It got torn at the Chinese
laundry. That’s how it happened.
233
00:16:25,944 --> 00:16:27,863
What an imagination.
234
00:16:27,946 --> 00:16:31,200
What you don’t realize, Helen,
is this thing about women and me.
235
00:16:31,283 --> 00:16:34,369
I walk into a room,
and they sense it instantly.
236
00:16:34,453 --> 00:16:37,831
I arouse something in them.
I bother them.
237
00:16:37,915 --> 00:16:40,792
It’s a kind of animal thing I’ve got.
238
00:16:40,876 --> 00:16:42,794
It’s really quite extraordinary.
239
00:16:42,878 --> 00:16:46,340
The only extraordinary thing about you
is your imagination.
240
00:16:46,423 --> 00:16:50,344
Helen, last winter,
when I had my appendix out,
241
00:16:50,427 --> 00:16:52,346
do you happen
to remember the nurse?
242
00:16:52,429 --> 00:16:54,348
The nurse?
243
00:16:54,431 --> 00:16:56,683
You mean that sweet little
old lady with the gray hair?
244
00:16:56,767 --> 00:16:59,228
That was the day nurse.
245
00:16:59,311 --> 00:17:02,147
But you never saw
the night nurse, did you?
246
00:17:02,231 --> 00:17:04,441
A certain Miss Finch.
247
00:17:04,525 --> 00:17:06,443
Poor Miss Finch.
248
00:17:06,527 --> 00:17:09,196
She fought it
as long as she could.
249
00:17:09,279 --> 00:17:11,281
But then one night—
250
00:17:11,406 --> 00:17:15,744
- Richard!
- Miss Finch, please, not again tonight.
251
00:17:18,497 --> 00:17:20,958
We have so little time.
252
00:17:21,041 --> 00:17:23,043
Soon they’ll be taking
out your stitches and...
253
00:17:23,126 --> 00:17:25,128
I’ll have lost you forever.
254
00:17:27,297 --> 00:17:31,552
Please, Miss Finch,
there is such a thing as ethics.
255
00:17:31,635 --> 00:17:34,763
Remember,
you are a registered nurse.
256
00:17:34,846 --> 00:17:36,765
Ethics?
257
00:17:36,848 --> 00:17:38,767
Once I had ethics.
258
00:17:38,850 --> 00:17:42,312
Once I was young.
Once I had ideals.
259
00:17:42,396 --> 00:17:45,566
Once I was registered!
And then you happened!
260
00:17:45,649 --> 00:17:50,571
Miss Finch, for five nights now,
you have been taking my pulse.
261
00:17:50,654 --> 00:17:53,240
I find it hard to believe
that you have never noticed...
262
00:17:53,365 --> 00:17:56,868
this simple band of gold.
- You bother me.
263
00:17:56,994 --> 00:18:00,539
You’ve bothered me from the moment
they wheeled you into that operating room.
264
00:18:00,622 --> 00:18:04,459
I can’t understand it.
There’s a kind of animal thing about you.
265
00:18:07,671 --> 00:18:10,215
Please, Miss Finch.
My adhesions.
266
00:18:10,299 --> 00:18:13,927
Let’s crash outta here. Let’s steal an
ambulance and make a run for the border.
267
00:18:14,011 --> 00:18:17,598
Miss Finch, you’re not fit
to wear that uniform.
268
00:18:17,681 --> 00:18:19,641
You’re rotten to the core.
269
00:18:19,725 --> 00:18:21,893
[ Loud Slaps ]
270
00:18:21,977 --> 00:18:24,021
Beat me. Hit me.
271
00:18:24,104 --> 00:18:26,023
Beat me till your arms ache.
272
00:18:26,106 --> 00:18:29,359
You know I’ll only come
crawling back for more!
273
00:18:29,443 --> 00:18:31,361
Miss Finch,
274
00:18:31,445 --> 00:18:34,823
you’re forcing me to take measures
to protect you from yourself.
275
00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:37,868
[Alarm Blares]
276
00:18:40,245 --> 00:18:43,874
No! No! No! No!
No! No!
277
00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:46,793
Put me down! Put me down!
278
00:18:46,877 --> 00:18:49,963
Put me down! No!
279
00:18:55,093 --> 00:18:57,929
The moth and the flame.
That’s what it was, Helen.
280
00:18:58,013 --> 00:18:59,931
Poor Miss Finch.
281
00:19:00,015 --> 00:19:02,934
I hope I didn’t
singe her wings too badly.
282
00:19:03,018 --> 00:19:06,938
Richard, you read too many books
and see too many movies.
283
00:19:07,022 --> 00:19:09,024
[ Scoffs ]
284
00:19:09,107 --> 00:19:11,151
Or for instance now,
you take Elaine.
285
00:19:11,234 --> 00:19:14,571
Your best friend.
Your bridesmaid.
286
00:19:14,655 --> 00:19:18,659
Let me tell you what happened with Elaine
and me that weekend in Westport last summer.
287
00:19:18,742 --> 00:19:22,621
You were playing canasta
with the Lederers, suspecting nothing.
288
00:19:22,704 --> 00:19:24,665
Elaine and I went for a walk.
289
00:19:24,748 --> 00:19:28,126
Walk? We went swimming.
290
00:19:28,210 --> 00:19:30,170
Moonlight swimming.
291
00:19:41,390 --> 00:19:44,893
What is this strange
animal thing you have?
292
00:19:44,976 --> 00:19:50,190
It bothers me. It’s bothered me since
the first time I saw you.
293
00:19:50,273 --> 00:19:53,985
And it’ll bother me always,
from here to eternity.
294
00:20:01,284 --> 00:20:04,413
You must fight it, Elaine.
You must be strong.
295
00:20:04,496 --> 00:20:06,456
You must remember
I belong to another.
296
00:20:06,581 --> 00:20:09,418
- Richard!
- This can never be.
297
00:20:09,501 --> 00:20:13,380
As you know but too well, I have a wonderful,
devoted, trusting wife at home...
298
00:20:13,463 --> 00:20:15,966
and a towheaded,
freckle-faced little space cadet.
299
00:20:16,049 --> 00:20:18,176
Richard!
300
00:20:18,260 --> 00:20:20,178
Richard!
301
00:20:37,821 --> 00:20:40,407
So, Helen, all I can say is,
302
00:20:40,490 --> 00:20:44,911
in the light of the circumstances, I resent
your calling me at 10:00 to check up on me.
303
00:20:44,995 --> 00:20:47,205
You don’t have to worry about me.
304
00:20:47,289 --> 00:20:51,585
Just remember that although
I have tremendous personal magnetism,
305
00:20:51,668 --> 00:20:54,504
I also have tremendous
strength of character.
306
00:20:54,588 --> 00:20:57,340
And tremendous imagination.
307
00:20:57,424 --> 00:21:00,719
Lately, you’ve begun
to imagine in CinemaScope...
308
00:21:00,802 --> 00:21:02,929
with stereophonic sound.
309
00:21:03,013 --> 00:21:04,931
[ Laughing ]
310
00:21:05,015 --> 00:21:07,851
Well—
311
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:10,020
Back to work.
[ Sighs ]
312
00:21:11,438 --> 00:21:14,107
“Chapter Three.
313
00:21:14,191 --> 00:21:16,860
“The Repressed Urge
in the Middle-aged Male—
314
00:21:16,943 --> 00:21:19,196
Its Roots and Its Consequences.’’
315
00:21:23,158 --> 00:21:26,661
Helen is worried.
I just know she is.
316
00:21:26,745 --> 00:21:30,665
She plays it cool. She can’t fool me.
She’s worried plenty.
317
00:21:30,749 --> 00:21:33,794
Why else would she be calling
in the middle of the night?
318
00:21:33,877 --> 00:21:36,421
She probably figures she isn’t
as young as she used to be.
319
00:21:36,505 --> 00:21:38,882
She’s 31 years old.
320
00:21:38,965 --> 00:21:41,760
One of these days, she’s gonna wake up
and find her looks are gone.
321
00:21:41,843 --> 00:21:45,430
Then where will she be?
Well, no wonder she’s worried.
322
00:21:45,514 --> 00:21:48,809
Especially since I don’t look a bit
different than I did when I was 28.
323
00:21:48,892 --> 00:21:53,146
It’s not my fault that I don’t.
It’s just a simple biological fact.
324
00:21:53,230 --> 00:21:55,941
Women age quicker than men.
325
00:21:56,024 --> 00:21:58,777
Yeah, I probably won’t look
any different when I’m 60.
326
00:21:58,860 --> 00:22:01,154
I have that kind of a face.
327
00:22:01,238 --> 00:22:04,157
Everybody will think
she’s my mother.
328
00:22:04,241 --> 00:22:07,744
[Phone Ringing]
329
00:22:13,917 --> 00:22:15,836
Hello, Mother?
330
00:22:15,919 --> 00:22:18,296
Oh— Oh, Helen!
331
00:22:18,380 --> 00:22:20,632
Well, I wasn’t expecting you
to call till 10:00.
332
00:22:20,715 --> 00:22:22,676
Is everything all right?
333
00:22:22,759 --> 00:22:25,136
Why, everything’s fine here.
334
00:22:25,220 --> 00:22:27,556
Seems pretty empty
without you though.
335
00:22:27,639 --> 00:22:32,394
Oh, nothing much.
Just sitting out on the terrace, drinking.
336
00:22:32,477 --> 00:22:34,896
Getting fractured
on raspberry soda.
337
00:22:36,273 --> 00:22:38,358
Little Ricky okay?
338
00:22:38,441 --> 00:22:41,027
Oh, he did? Well, he hasn’t done that
for a long time.
339
00:22:41,111 --> 00:22:43,655
It’s probably
just the excitement.
340
00:22:43,738 --> 00:22:46,950
[ Chuckles ]
That’s nice.
341
00:22:48,785 --> 00:22:52,038
No, I don’t. Who did you meet
on the train going up?
342
00:22:52,122 --> 00:22:55,959
Tom MacKenzie?
What’s he doing up there?
343
00:22:56,042 --> 00:23:00,630
Uh-huh. My advice to you is to avoid
Tom MacKenzie like the plague.
344
00:23:00,755 --> 00:23:02,511
I don’t care if he did
help you with Ricky’s kayak.
345
00:23:02,536 --> 00:23:04,408
I don’t want him
carrying Ricky’s kayak.
346
00:23:04,467 --> 00:23:08,013
If anybody’s gonna carry Ricky’s kayak,
it’s going to be you.
347
00:23:08,096 --> 00:23:10,557
How’s the weather? Cool?
348
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:14,019
Oh, it’s steaming here.
Yeah, like an oven.
349
00:23:15,270 --> 00:23:17,188
Yeah, I’m pretty tired myself.
350
00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:21,443
Good night.
Good night, darling.
351
00:23:21,526 --> 00:23:23,653
[ Kisses, Chuckles ]
352
00:23:25,447 --> 00:23:26,948
[ Sighs ]
353
00:23:28,116 --> 00:23:30,160
“Chapter Three.
354
00:23:30,243 --> 00:23:33,580
“The Repressed Urge
in the Middle-aged Male—
355
00:23:33,663 --> 00:23:36,249
Its Roots and Its Consequences.’’
356
00:23:38,418 --> 00:23:40,337
Maybe a twist of lemon
would help this...
357
00:23:40,420 --> 00:23:42,339
or a shot of Worcestershire.
358
00:23:59,356 --> 00:24:03,485
Hey, up there! What’s the big idea?
You want to kill somebody or something?
359
00:24:03,568 --> 00:24:05,779
- What’s the matter?
- What do you mean what’s the matter?
360
00:24:05,862 --> 00:24:08,823
This great cast-iron chamber pot of yours
practically— [ Meekly ] killed me.
361
00:24:08,907 --> 00:24:11,952
That’s what’s the—
Oh. Oh, it’s you.
362
00:24:12,035 --> 00:24:13,954
Well, hello again.
363
00:24:14,037 --> 00:24:17,749
What happened? Oh, golly!
The tomato plant fell over.
364
00:24:17,874 --> 00:24:20,085
- It sure did.
- I’m terribly sorry.
365
00:24:20,168 --> 00:24:22,253
Oh, don’t worry.
It’s nothing.
366
00:24:22,337 --> 00:24:26,216
Nothing? Look at that poor chair.
I’ll pay for it, of course.
367
00:24:26,299 --> 00:24:28,885
I just hope it’s not some
priceless antique or something.
368
00:24:28,969 --> 00:24:31,805
Forget it.
It’s just early Sears-Roebuck.
369
00:24:31,888 --> 00:24:34,057
If there’s anything at all
I could do—
370
00:24:34,140 --> 00:24:36,059
Do? Do what?
371
00:24:36,142 --> 00:24:38,061
Really. There’s nothing
to worry about.
372
00:24:38,144 --> 00:24:40,814
I’m certainly glad
you’re not mad.
373
00:24:40,897 --> 00:24:42,857
Now promise me
you won’t even touch it.
374
00:24:42,941 --> 00:24:45,735
I’ll have the janitor come down in the
morning and take care of it.
375
00:24:45,819 --> 00:24:48,738
I’ll pay him 50 cents.
Well, good night.
376
00:24:48,863 --> 00:24:51,032
- Hey, up there! Wait a minute!
- Yes?
377
00:24:51,116 --> 00:24:53,118
I’ll tell you one thing
you could do—
378
00:24:53,243 --> 00:24:55,479
That is, if you’d like to.
I— I mean, if you’re
379
00:24:55,504 --> 00:24:57,646
really not doing anything
else more important.
380
00:24:57,706 --> 00:25:00,625
How would you like to come down here
and have a drink with me... maybe?
381
00:25:00,750 --> 00:25:03,503
- Hmm?
- Why, thanks! I’d love it.
382
00:25:03,628 --> 00:25:05,547
- You would?
- Sure. It’d be fun.
383
00:25:05,630 --> 00:25:07,507
Let me just
go put something on.
384
00:25:07,632 --> 00:25:11,386
- I’ll go into the kitchen and get dressed.
- The kitchen?
385
00:25:11,469 --> 00:25:13,930
Yes. When it’s hot like this,
you know what I do?
386
00:25:14,014 --> 00:25:16,182
I keep my undies
in the icebox.
387
00:25:16,266 --> 00:25:18,268
In the icebox?
388
00:25:18,351 --> 00:25:20,395
See you in a minute.
389
00:25:21,521 --> 00:25:24,858
[ Chuckling ]
In the icebox.
390
00:25:24,941 --> 00:25:27,444
- [ Chuckling ]
- [ Neck Cracks ]
391
00:25:29,946 --> 00:25:31,906
[ Neck Cracking ]
392
00:25:32,991 --> 00:25:34,951
[ Sighs ]
393
00:26:00,852 --> 00:26:03,480
I really need it, Dr. Murphy.
Honest I do.
394
00:26:07,442 --> 00:26:10,153
Don’t worry, Dr. Murphy.
Just one. That’s all.
395
00:26:11,279 --> 00:26:12,781
[Key Clatters]
396
00:26:24,209 --> 00:26:28,421
All those lovely,
injurious tars and resins.
397
00:26:28,505 --> 00:26:31,633
And now a small concession
from you too, Dr. Summers.
398
00:26:40,809 --> 00:26:42,727
[ Sighs ]
399
00:26:44,395 --> 00:26:46,481
Now, look, Dr. Summers,
let’s be reasonable.
400
00:26:46,564 --> 00:26:49,109
Can’t fly on one wing,
ya know.
401
00:26:49,192 --> 00:26:51,402
Okay, okay.
I’ll put some soda in it.
402
00:26:58,284 --> 00:27:00,203
[ Sighs ]
403
00:27:01,496 --> 00:27:03,414
Would you like
to come down for a drink?
404
00:27:03,498 --> 00:27:05,458
Why, thanks. I’d love it.
405
00:27:05,542 --> 00:27:07,627
Just like that.
[ Clicks Tongue ]
406
00:27:07,710 --> 00:27:10,672
[ Chuckles ]
A beautiful girl too.
407
00:27:10,755 --> 00:27:14,008
Must be a model
or actress or something.
408
00:27:14,092 --> 00:27:16,052
[ Sighs ]
409
00:27:33,236 --> 00:27:35,905
Atmosphere.
Need a little atmosphere.
410
00:27:40,410 --> 00:27:43,413
Tomato plant.
[ Chuckles ]
411
00:27:43,496 --> 00:27:46,207
Fan caught in the door.
[ Chuckling ]
412
00:27:48,918 --> 00:27:50,837
What am I doing anyway?
413
00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:53,798
Oh, this is absolutely ridiculous.
The first night Helen leaves,
414
00:27:53,882 --> 00:27:56,301
and I’m bringing dames
into the apartment.
415
00:28:02,682 --> 00:28:05,268
[ Sighing ]
416
00:28:06,936 --> 00:28:09,397
Now take it easy. There’s absolutely
nothing wrong...
417
00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:11,441
with asking a neighbor
down for a drink.
418
00:28:11,524 --> 00:28:14,152
Nothing.
419
00:28:14,235 --> 00:28:17,030
Oh, I just hope she doesn’t
get the wrong idea. That’s all.
420
00:28:17,155 --> 00:28:20,283
Oh, if this dame thinks she’s coming
down here for some kind of a big time
421
00:28:20,308 --> 00:28:22,142
or something, she’s in for a big surprise.
422
00:28:22,202 --> 00:28:24,767
One drink and out! That’s all.
I’m a happily married man,
423
00:28:24,792 --> 00:28:25,646
for Pete’s sake!
424
00:28:25,788 --> 00:28:28,625
Maybe we ought to have
a little soft music.
425
00:28:30,293 --> 00:28:32,795
She’s probably
getting herself all fixed up.
426
00:28:32,879 --> 00:28:36,966
You know, she’ll probably be wearing
some kind of an ice-cold evening dress.
427
00:28:37,050 --> 00:28:38,968
Let’s see.
428
00:28:39,052 --> 00:28:44,390
Debussy. Ravel. Stravinsky.
429
00:28:44,474 --> 00:28:47,185
Stravinsky will only scare her.
430
00:28:47,268 --> 00:28:50,396
Yeah, here’s the baby.
Rachmaninoff.
431
00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:53,942
Give her the full treatment.
Come in like gangbusters.
432
00:28:56,611 --> 00:28:58,947
♪♪ [ Classical ]
433
00:29:01,824 --> 00:29:05,912
Good old Rachmaninoff.
The second piano concerto.
434
00:29:05,995 --> 00:29:07,956
Never misses.
435
00:29:15,338 --> 00:29:18,007
♪♪ [Continues]
436
00:29:38,611 --> 00:29:41,364
[ British Accent ]
You came. I’m so glad.
437
00:29:45,535 --> 00:29:47,620
Rachmaninoff!
438
00:29:47,704 --> 00:29:50,665
The second piano concerto.
439
00:29:50,790 --> 00:29:55,086
- It isn’t fair.
- Not fair? Why?
440
00:29:55,211 --> 00:29:57,589
Because every time I hear it,
I go to pieces.
441
00:29:57,614 --> 00:29:58,405
Oh?
442
00:30:02,468 --> 00:30:04,721
May I sit next to you?
443
00:30:06,431 --> 00:30:08,391
Please do.
444
00:30:12,729 --> 00:30:14,689
♪♪ [ Continues ]
445
00:30:31,581 --> 00:30:34,667
It shakes me. It quakes me.
446
00:30:34,751 --> 00:30:37,337
It makes me feel
goose-pimply all over!
447
00:30:37,420 --> 00:30:40,548
I don’t know where I am
or who I am.
448
00:30:40,631 --> 00:30:42,592
Or what I’m doing!
449
00:30:42,675 --> 00:30:45,219
Don’t stop. Don’t stop!
450
00:30:45,303 --> 00:30:47,263
Don’t ever stop!
451
00:30:49,390 --> 00:30:51,809
Why did you stop?
452
00:30:51,893 --> 00:30:53,853
You know why I stopped.
453
00:30:53,936 --> 00:30:57,106
- Why?
- Because—
454
00:30:57,190 --> 00:31:00,693
Because now I am going to take you in
my arms and kiss you...
455
00:31:00,777 --> 00:31:03,112
very quickly and very hard.
456
00:31:17,210 --> 00:31:19,587
[Doorbell Buzzes]
457
00:31:21,214 --> 00:31:24,592
[Buzzes]
458
00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:27,678
One moment, my dear.
459
00:31:30,306 --> 00:31:32,892
♪♪ [ Starts Over ]
460
00:31:32,975 --> 00:31:35,186
You came.
461
00:31:35,269 --> 00:31:38,064
Yeah. I came for the rugs.
462
00:31:38,147 --> 00:31:41,067
The rugs? What rugs?
What is it you want, Mr. Kruhulik?
463
00:31:41,150 --> 00:31:44,195
The bedroom rugs. I promised Mrs. Sherman
to take up the bedroom rugs.
464
00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:46,781
- Look, Mr. Kruhulik—
- For the summer, on account of the moths.
465
00:31:46,906 --> 00:31:49,158
- Forget the rugs, Mr. Kruhulik.
- Forget them?
466
00:31:49,283 --> 00:31:52,087
Your wife is gonna come home from
the country and find the rugs
467
00:31:52,112 --> 00:31:53,645
full of holes— big, gaping holes.
468
00:31:53,704 --> 00:31:56,249
And who’s gonna get blamed?
The janitor. Always the janitor.
469
00:31:56,374 --> 00:31:58,713
If you’re so worried, Mr. Kruhulik,
why don’t you pick ’em up
470
00:31:58,738 --> 00:32:00,360
tomorrow morning while I’m at the office?
471
00:32:00,420 --> 00:32:03,005
I can’t do it, Mr. Sherman,
not tomorrow morning.
472
00:32:03,089 --> 00:32:05,758
Tomorrow morning, I’m taking the missus
and the kids to the train.
473
00:32:05,842 --> 00:32:08,553
They’re going to the country
for the summer. Hmm-hmm!
474
00:32:08,636 --> 00:32:10,972
All right, Mr. Kruhulik.
Pick ’em up tomorrow afternoon then.
475
00:32:11,055 --> 00:32:14,434
Oh, not in the afternoon, Mr. Sherman.
I can’t do it in the afternoon.
476
00:32:14,517 --> 00:32:16,477
I’m going to the barber
in the afternoon.
477
00:32:16,561 --> 00:32:19,856
Gonna take a shave, a haircut, manicure—
the whole works,
478
00:32:19,939 --> 00:32:21,983
Maybe even a facial.
[ Laughs ]
479
00:32:22,066 --> 00:32:23,985
I couldn’t care less,
Mr. Kruhulik.
480
00:32:24,068 --> 00:32:26,779
Come tomorrow evening.
Come anytime. Just not now.
481
00:32:26,863 --> 00:32:31,826
Tomorrow evening? Do you know that maid
from 531 Park?
482
00:32:31,909 --> 00:32:35,830
Oh, you must have seen her walking down
the street with her big fat poodle.
483
00:32:35,955 --> 00:32:38,583
- Hmm?
- What are you talking about?
484
00:32:38,666 --> 00:32:41,502
Oh, come now, Mr. Sherman.
We’re both summer bachelors.
485
00:32:41,586 --> 00:32:43,504
Don’t let’s be naive.
[ Laughs ]
486
00:32:43,588 --> 00:32:45,548
Good night, Mr. Kruhulik!
487
00:32:46,716 --> 00:32:48,634
Big fat poodle!
488
00:32:48,718 --> 00:32:52,430
Why, he’s got four kids. Something happens
to people in this town in the summer.
489
00:32:52,513 --> 00:32:54,432
It’s disgraceful.
490
00:32:55,933 --> 00:32:58,603
It’s late. Where is she?
491
00:32:58,728 --> 00:33:00,771
Oh, this is ridiculous.
♪♪ [ Stops ]
492
00:33:00,855 --> 00:33:02,899
What is she doing?
She could have been down here,
493
00:33:02,982 --> 00:33:04,901
had her lousy drink
and gone home already.
494
00:33:04,984 --> 00:33:07,737
Ice, ice. We’ll need ice.
495
00:33:09,322 --> 00:33:11,908
[Doorbell Buzzes]
496
00:33:11,991 --> 00:33:14,452
Coming!
497
00:33:24,170 --> 00:33:26,088
[Doorbell Buzzes]
498
00:33:26,172 --> 00:33:28,090
Coming! Coming!
499
00:33:32,678 --> 00:33:34,639
Hi!
500
00:33:34,722 --> 00:33:36,933
It’s me.
Don’t you remember?
501
00:33:37,016 --> 00:33:39,393
The tomato from upstairs.
502
00:33:39,477 --> 00:33:42,772
Oh, of course. The tomato.
Come in, please. Come in.
503
00:33:42,855 --> 00:33:45,608
Honestly, I feel sick about it.
I don’t know how it happened.
504
00:33:45,691 --> 00:33:48,694
I was up there watering the plants—
I promised the Kaufmans I would.
505
00:33:48,778 --> 00:33:51,948
They don’t even have a hose.
So I was using the cocktail shaker.
506
00:33:52,073 --> 00:33:54,534
- That’s the only thing I could find.
- The cocktail shaker?
507
00:33:54,617 --> 00:33:56,536
Yes. A little silver one.
508
00:33:56,619 --> 00:33:59,580
Then, suddenly,
there was this terrible crash.
509
00:33:59,664 --> 00:34:01,582
You know,
you could have been killed!
510
00:34:01,666 --> 00:34:04,919
It was probably criminal negligence
or manslaughter or something.
511
00:34:05,002 --> 00:34:08,089
You could have sued somebody.
Me probably!
512
00:34:08,172 --> 00:34:10,174
Well, not you,
’cause you’d have been dead.
513
00:34:10,258 --> 00:34:12,969
But your lawyers could have.
Oh, I feel just terrible.
514
00:34:13,052 --> 00:34:16,556
Look, case dismissed. I’m still alive.
So what would you like to drink?
515
00:34:16,681 --> 00:34:19,350
- Oh, I don’t know. Anything.
- Mm-hmm.
516
00:34:19,475 --> 00:34:21,561
- You certainly have a nice place here.
- Mm-hmm.
517
00:34:21,686 --> 00:34:25,982
- You live here alone?
- Yes, I-I live here alone. All alone.
518
00:34:28,401 --> 00:34:31,153
It’s a roller skate.
Mine, you know.
519
00:34:31,279 --> 00:34:33,364
- Yours?
- It’s adjustable.
520
00:34:33,447 --> 00:34:35,575
Oh, I go roller-skating
a lot in the park.
521
00:34:35,658 --> 00:34:37,618
Now, really,
what would you like to drink?
522
00:34:37,743 --> 00:34:41,372
- You do drink, don’t you?
- Oh, sure. I drink like a fish.
523
00:34:41,497 --> 00:34:44,208
- Do you have gin?
- Of course.
524
00:34:44,333 --> 00:34:48,462
- You mean straight gin?
- No. Gin and soda, I guess.
525
00:34:49,630 --> 00:34:50,506
Gin and soda?
526
00:34:50,531 --> 00:34:53,158
That’s wrong, isn’t it?
It’s scotch and soda.
527
00:34:53,259 --> 00:34:56,106
- How do you drink gin?
- Well, there’s gin and tonic,
528
00:34:56,131 --> 00:34:57,787
except I don’t have any tonic.
529
00:34:57,847 --> 00:35:00,141
Then there’s gin and vermouth.
That’s a martini.
530
00:35:00,224 --> 00:35:03,019
That sounds cool.
I think I’ll have a glass of that.
531
00:35:03,102 --> 00:35:05,021
A big, tall one.
532
00:35:07,189 --> 00:35:09,609
Big, tall martini.
533
00:35:09,734 --> 00:35:11,694
- Mm-hmm.
- [ Chuckles ]
534
00:35:23,205 --> 00:35:26,500
This is a much nicer apartment
than the Kaufmans’.
535
00:35:26,584 --> 00:35:30,129
For instance,
the Kaufmans have no stairs.
536
00:35:30,212 --> 00:35:32,131
Hey! Where do they lead to?
537
00:35:32,214 --> 00:35:34,133
No place.
538
00:35:34,216 --> 00:35:37,136
No place.
A stairway to nowhere.
539
00:35:37,219 --> 00:35:39,138
I think that’s just elegant.
540
00:35:39,221 --> 00:35:41,140
I wouldn’t say elegant.
541
00:35:41,223 --> 00:35:44,143
You see, this used to be a duplex—
this place and the Kaufmans’.
542
00:35:44,226 --> 00:35:46,437
When the landlord made
two apartments out of it,
543
00:35:46,520 --> 00:35:49,523
he just boarded up the ceiling,
or in your case the floor.
544
00:35:49,607 --> 00:35:54,195
Oh, yes. I remember
that square patch in the floor.
545
00:35:54,278 --> 00:35:56,530
The first day, I dropped my cuticle
pusher down the crack.
546
00:35:56,614 --> 00:35:59,867
Cuticle pusher.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
547
00:35:59,950 --> 00:36:03,788
Well, here you are.
A big, tall martini.
548
00:36:03,913 --> 00:36:06,248
- Thanks.
- You’re welcome.
549
00:36:07,750 --> 00:36:10,252
[ Coughs ]
Very good.
550
00:36:10,378 --> 00:36:12,546
- Maybe it needs a little more sugar.
- Sugar?
551
00:36:12,630 --> 00:36:15,925
No, no. I would strongly advise against
putting sugar in a martini.
552
00:36:16,008 --> 00:36:17,927
You would? Why?
553
00:36:18,010 --> 00:36:21,138
Well, you just have
to take my word for it.
554
00:36:21,222 --> 00:36:23,349
No sugar
in a martini, ever.
555
00:36:23,432 --> 00:36:26,852
That’s funny. Back home they put sugar
in martinis a lot.
556
00:36:26,936 --> 00:36:28,979
Back home?
Where?
557
00:36:29,105 --> 00:36:31,440
- In Denver, Colorado.
- Oh.
558
00:36:31,524 --> 00:36:33,984
Hey! You’ve got air-conditioning.
559
00:36:35,361 --> 00:36:38,531
- How does it work? Put it on.
- Sure.
560
00:36:38,614 --> 00:36:41,367
I’ve got air-conditioning
in every room.
561
00:36:41,450 --> 00:36:43,369
Isn’t the Kaufman place
air-conditioned?
562
00:36:43,452 --> 00:36:46,122
Gee, no.
It’s just terrible up there.
563
00:36:46,205 --> 00:36:48,457
That’s why I bought
the electric fan.
564
00:36:48,541 --> 00:36:52,545
Whoo. This feels just elegant.
565
00:36:52,628 --> 00:36:55,089
I’m just not made for the heat.
566
00:36:55,172 --> 00:36:58,884
This is my first summer in New York,
and it’s practically killing me.
567
00:36:58,968 --> 00:37:00,886
You know what I tried yesterday?
568
00:37:00,970 --> 00:37:02,888
I tried to sleep in the bathtub.
569
00:37:02,972 --> 00:37:05,808
Just lying there
up to my neck in cold water.
570
00:37:05,891 --> 00:37:07,810
That sounds like a good idea.
[ Chuckles ]
571
00:37:07,893 --> 00:37:10,479
But there was something wrong with the
faucet. It kept dripping.
572
00:37:10,563 --> 00:37:13,607
It was keeping me awake.
So you know what I did?
573
00:37:13,691 --> 00:37:17,903
I pushed my big toe
up the faucet.
574
00:37:17,987 --> 00:37:20,281
I guess that’s what they
call American know-how.
575
00:37:20,364 --> 00:37:24,660
The only thing was my toe got stuck,
and I couldn’t get it back out again.
576
00:37:24,785 --> 00:37:27,102
- You couldn’t?
- No. But thank goodness there
577
00:37:27,127 --> 00:37:31,208
was a phone in the bathroom,
so I was able to call the plumber.
578
00:37:31,333 --> 00:37:34,002
- You called the plumber?
- Oh, sure. He was very nice,
579
00:37:34,027 --> 00:37:35,361
even though it was Sunday.
580
00:37:35,421 --> 00:37:38,758
I explained the situation to him,
and he rushed right over.
581
00:37:41,010 --> 00:37:42,928
Did everything
come out all right?
582
00:37:43,012 --> 00:37:45,598
Oh, sure.
But it was sort of embarrassing.
583
00:37:45,681 --> 00:37:48,058
Yeah. I can see how it might have been.
[ Chuckling ]
584
00:37:48,142 --> 00:37:50,394
Honestly, I almost died.
585
00:37:50,478 --> 00:37:53,606
There I was with
a perfectly strange plumber,
586
00:37:53,689 --> 00:37:55,608
and no polish on my toenails.
587
00:37:55,691 --> 00:37:57,651
[ Chuckles ]
588
00:37:59,820 --> 00:38:03,157
- Eh—
- [ Coughs ]
589
00:38:03,282 --> 00:38:07,661
- You got a cigarette around?
- A cigarette? Cigarette? Oh, sure.
590
00:38:07,745 --> 00:38:09,705
Coming up.
591
00:38:26,680 --> 00:38:30,351
- Here you are.
- Are you afraid of burglars or something?
592
00:38:30,434 --> 00:38:32,353
No. I’m just trying
not to smoke.
593
00:38:32,436 --> 00:38:34,063
With cigarettes,
the theory is that if you
594
00:38:34,088 --> 00:38:35,713
don’t see them,
you don’t think about them.
595
00:38:35,815 --> 00:38:38,192
And if you don’t think about them,
you don’t want them. [ Chuckles ]
596
00:38:38,275 --> 00:38:40,194
Oh.
597
00:38:40,277 --> 00:38:44,907
Of course, it’s not 100% foolproof.
It’s only a theory. There are certain flaws.
598
00:38:45,032 --> 00:38:48,369
In fact, about all it amounts to is you
spend half your life dragging ladders
599
00:38:48,394 --> 00:38:50,061
back and forth, climbing up and down.
600
00:38:50,120 --> 00:38:53,624
You could break a leg. Actually, the whole
thing is just ridiculous.
601
00:38:53,707 --> 00:38:57,378
At the club, we had this girl—
she smoked nothing but cigars.
602
00:38:57,503 --> 00:38:59,989
- Personally, I think she only
did it to make herself look older.
603
00:38:59,989 --> 00:39:01,030
- Mmm.
604
00:39:04,468 --> 00:39:07,763
- What club was that?
- This club I lived at before I moved in here.
605
00:39:07,847 --> 00:39:11,016
I hated it. You had to be in by 1:00,
or they locked the doors.
606
00:39:11,100 --> 00:39:13,936
Now I can stay out all night
if I want to.
607
00:39:14,019 --> 00:39:16,021
I was really glad
when they kicked me out.
608
00:39:16,105 --> 00:39:18,691
I mean, when they practically
asked me to leave.
609
00:39:18,774 --> 00:39:21,318
Well, why did they
practically ask you to leave?
610
00:39:21,402 --> 00:39:23,821
It was so silly.
I posed for this picture.
611
00:39:23,904 --> 00:39:27,783
And when it was published
in U.S. Camera, they got all upset.
612
00:39:27,867 --> 00:39:30,160
Well, what was the matter
with the picture?
613
00:39:30,244 --> 00:39:32,913
I was—
It was one of these...
614
00:39:32,997 --> 00:39:35,040
artistic pictures.
615
00:39:35,124 --> 00:39:37,042
Oh.
[ Chuckles ]
616
00:39:37,126 --> 00:39:39,253
It was on the beach,
with some driftwood.
617
00:39:39,378 --> 00:39:43,299
- It got honorable mention.
- Honorable mention, in U.S. Camera? Well!
618
00:39:43,382 --> 00:39:47,595
It was called Textures, because you could
see three different kinds of texture:
619
00:39:47,678 --> 00:39:50,055
the driftwood, the sand and me.
620
00:39:50,139 --> 00:39:54,643
I got $25 an hour, and it took hours and
hours. You’d be surprised.
621
00:39:54,727 --> 00:39:56,854
Sounds like
a very interesting line of work.
622
00:39:56,937 --> 00:39:59,690
It was.
But I don’t do modeling anymore.
623
00:39:59,815 --> 00:40:03,569
Now I’m on this television program every other
week— The Dazzledent Toothpaste Hour.
624
00:40:03,652 --> 00:40:05,529
Oh, you’re an actress then.
625
00:40:05,654 --> 00:40:08,574
- Sort of. I do the commercial part.
- Really?
626
00:40:08,657 --> 00:40:10,576
Honest.
It’s a very good part.
627
00:40:10,659 --> 00:40:12,703
First they put a little
gray makeup on my teeth...
628
00:40:12,786 --> 00:40:15,414
to show what happens
when you use ordinary toothpaste.
629
00:40:15,497 --> 00:40:19,126
Then they wipe it off again to show what
happens when you use Dazzledent.
630
00:40:19,209 --> 00:40:21,378
I kind of sit there like this...
631
00:40:21,462 --> 00:40:23,380
for about 14 seconds.
632
00:40:23,464 --> 00:40:25,966
And I get to speak lines too.
633
00:40:26,050 --> 00:40:29,970
I had onions at lunch.
I had garlic dressing at dinner.
634
00:40:30,054 --> 00:40:34,058
But he’ll never know,
because I stay kissing-sweet...
635
00:40:34,141 --> 00:40:36,393
the new Dazzledent way.
636
00:40:39,813 --> 00:40:42,274
- You do that beautifully.
- Thank you.
637
00:40:42,358 --> 00:40:44,318
You know,
people don’t realize,
638
00:40:44,401 --> 00:40:46,904
but every time I show
my teeth on television,
639
00:40:46,987 --> 00:40:48,906
I’m appearing
before more people...
640
00:40:48,989 --> 00:40:52,034
than Sarah Bernhardt appeared
before in her whole career.
641
00:40:52,159 --> 00:40:56,205
- It’s something to think about.
- Oh, it certainly is.
642
00:40:56,288 --> 00:40:59,458
I wish I were old enough
to have seen Sarah Bernhardt.
643
00:40:59,541 --> 00:41:01,794
Was she magnificent?
644
00:41:03,170 --> 00:41:06,048
Well, I really wouldn’t know.
You see, I’m not quite that old myself.
645
00:41:06,131 --> 00:41:08,050
I guess you’re not really,
are you?
646
00:41:08,133 --> 00:41:10,052
Oh, I’m 39—
or I will be in August.
647
00:41:10,135 --> 00:41:12,054
At the moment,
I’m still only 38.
648
00:41:12,137 --> 00:41:15,975
Thirty-eight?
I was 22 day before yesterday.
649
00:41:16,058 --> 00:41:19,645
I didn’t do anything about it though.
I didn’t even tell anyone.
650
00:41:19,728 --> 00:41:23,273
Oh, I did do one thing. I bought myself
a bottle of champagne.
651
00:41:23,357 --> 00:41:26,110
I thought I’d just sit up there
and drink it all by myself.
652
00:41:26,193 --> 00:41:28,153
That sounds absolutely sad.
653
00:41:28,237 --> 00:41:31,532
Oh, no. It would’ve been
just elegant,
654
00:41:31,615 --> 00:41:33,826
lying there in the bathtub
drinking champagne.
655
00:41:33,909 --> 00:41:35,828
But I couldn’t get
the bottle open.
656
00:41:35,911 --> 00:41:38,205
You couldn’t?
There’s nothing to it.
657
00:41:38,288 --> 00:41:40,374
It’s just a trick.
658
00:41:40,457 --> 00:41:42,710
You think you could
get it open?
659
00:41:42,793 --> 00:41:44,712
I’m pretty sure I could.
660
00:41:44,795 --> 00:41:47,089
I’ve got a wonderful idea.
661
00:41:47,214 --> 00:41:49,972
Why don’t I go upstairs and get it?
It’s just sitting in the icebox
662
00:41:49,997 --> 00:41:51,659
with the potato chips and my underwear.
663
00:41:51,760 --> 00:41:54,513
- Do you have champagne glasses?
- I think so.
664
00:41:54,596 --> 00:41:57,516
Good!
We’ll have a wonderful time.
665
00:41:57,599 --> 00:41:59,685
The man says
it’s very good champagne.
666
00:42:02,896 --> 00:42:04,815
Shall I bring
the potato chips too?
667
00:42:04,898 --> 00:42:06,984
Sure. Let’s shoot the works.
668
00:42:07,067 --> 00:42:09,028
Okay.
[Door Closes]
669
00:42:11,864 --> 00:42:14,992
Honorable mention,
U.S. Camera.
670
00:42:21,331 --> 00:42:23,292
U.S. Camera.
671
00:42:30,883 --> 00:42:33,719
“News Events.
Children and Animals.
672
00:42:33,802 --> 00:42:35,721
The Human Body.’’
673
00:42:55,032 --> 00:42:58,160
Champagne glasses.
Champagne glasses.
674
00:43:15,969 --> 00:43:18,222
[Phone Ringing]
675
00:43:18,305 --> 00:43:20,224
[ Sighs ]
676
00:43:22,643 --> 00:43:24,812
The phone. The phone.
Where’s the phone?
677
00:43:24,895 --> 00:43:27,147
[Rings]
678
00:43:29,108 --> 00:43:31,401
Hello? Who is it?
679
00:43:31,485 --> 00:43:34,905
Oh. Oh, Helen.
Well, Helen, this is a surprise.
680
00:43:34,988 --> 00:43:38,534
And a very pleasant one
if I may say so. How are you?
681
00:43:38,617 --> 00:43:42,371
Sure. Sure, I’m all right.
Why shouldn’t I be all right?
682
00:43:42,454 --> 00:43:44,498
Well, in what way
do I sound funny?
683
00:43:44,581 --> 00:43:46,667
Everything is just fine here.
Mm-hmm.
684
00:43:46,750 --> 00:43:48,669
Now what’s your problem?
685
00:43:48,752 --> 00:43:51,088
Did I know that Ricky
forgot his paddle?
686
00:43:51,171 --> 00:43:53,841
I’ve been dragging that thing
all over New York.
687
00:43:53,924 --> 00:43:55,843
Sure, I will. Absolutely.
688
00:43:55,926 --> 00:43:57,970
I’ll send it off
the first thing in the morning.
689
00:43:58,053 --> 00:43:59,972
Good night.
690
00:44:00,055 --> 00:44:03,308
Who?
Who dropped in after dinner?
691
00:44:03,392 --> 00:44:07,563
Tom MacKenzie.
Good ol’ Tom. How is he?
692
00:44:07,646 --> 00:44:10,315
Drinking?
Who, me?
693
00:44:10,399 --> 00:44:12,568
Whatever gave you that idea?
694
00:44:12,651 --> 00:44:14,611
I was just sitting here
reading a book.
695
00:44:14,695 --> 00:44:16,822
A-About driftwood.
696
00:44:16,905 --> 00:44:19,658
Uh, we may publish it.
Oh, it’s very interesting.
697
00:44:19,741 --> 00:44:21,743
Some of the formations
are absolutely—
698
00:44:21,952 --> 00:44:23,495
[Doorbell Buzzes]
699
00:44:23,579 --> 00:44:25,622
I think I’d better
hang up now, Helen.
700
00:44:25,747 --> 00:44:27,958
The bathtub is running over.
[Buzzes]
701
00:44:28,041 --> 00:44:30,961
Good night. Night.
702
00:44:31,044 --> 00:44:33,046
[Buzzing]
703
00:44:34,756 --> 00:44:37,009
Sorry. I was on the phone.
Long distance.
704
00:44:37,092 --> 00:44:39,970
A friend of mine in the country
calling about a kayak pad—
705
00:44:40,053 --> 00:44:42,973
Oh, say.
706
00:44:43,056 --> 00:44:46,101
I figured it just isn’t right to drink
champagne in matador pants.
707
00:44:46,185 --> 00:44:49,021
Would you mind fastening
my straps in the back?
708
00:44:49,104 --> 00:44:52,232
Oh, sure. Sure.
709
00:44:53,233 --> 00:44:56,195
Potato chips, champagne.
710
00:44:56,278 --> 00:44:58,780
- Do you really think you can get it open?
- Hmm?
711
00:44:58,864 --> 00:45:00,908
Oh, yeah.
712
00:45:00,991 --> 00:45:04,286
I’ve opened one or two
before in my life.
713
00:45:04,369 --> 00:45:07,539
It’s simply a matter of pressure
and counterpressure.
714
00:45:08,790 --> 00:45:12,294
- [ Straining ] There she goes.
- Boy, you sure got powerful thumbs.
715
00:45:12,377 --> 00:45:14,254
I used to play
a lot of badminton.
716
00:45:14,379 --> 00:45:16,715
- Get the glasses.
- Okay.
717
00:45:16,798 --> 00:45:19,468
[ Pops ]
Quick, quick! The glasses!
718
00:45:22,304 --> 00:45:25,015
- Pour it.
- It seems to be stuck. [ Chuckles ]
719
00:45:25,098 --> 00:45:27,643
That’s silly.
Just give it a good yank.
720
00:45:29,937 --> 00:45:32,898
This never happened before.
It must be the vacuum.
721
00:45:32,981 --> 00:45:35,442
The suction of the bubbles
creates a vacuum.
722
00:45:35,525 --> 00:45:37,653
Let me see
if I can do it.
723
00:45:40,239 --> 00:45:43,033
- I’ll try to twist it.
- [ Grunts ]
724
00:45:45,494 --> 00:45:48,914
- You’re married!
- I am? Yes, I am.
725
00:45:48,997 --> 00:45:52,501
I knew it. I could tell.
You look married.
726
00:45:54,836 --> 00:45:58,340
- Actually, my wife and I are separated.
- Oh.
727
00:45:58,465 --> 00:46:01,843
What I mean is, separated in the sense
that she went away for the summer.
728
00:46:01,969 --> 00:46:04,805
- Oh. Any children?
- No. No children. Well, just one.
729
00:46:04,888 --> 00:46:07,266
Little one. Very little.
Hardly counts.
730
00:46:07,349 --> 00:46:09,935
It’s cold in there, awfully cold.
Finger’s getting numb.
731
00:46:10,018 --> 00:46:13,105
I could call the plumber. He’s very good at
getting things out of things.
732
00:46:13,188 --> 00:46:15,983
No. Let’s just keep
the plumber out of it.
733
00:46:16,066 --> 00:46:18,026
Grab ahold of the piano.
734
00:46:19,444 --> 00:46:22,781
Careful.
I had my appendix out last year.
735
00:46:22,864 --> 00:46:25,242
[ Pops ]
736
00:46:26,410 --> 00:46:28,745
- Are you all right?
- Fine.
737
00:46:31,456 --> 00:46:33,515
Are you sure you want
to waste your champagne
738
00:46:33,540 --> 00:46:35,151
now that you know
that I’m married?
739
00:46:35,210 --> 00:46:37,713
I think it’s wonderful
that you’re married.
740
00:46:37,796 --> 00:46:40,007
I think it’s just elegant.
741
00:46:40,132 --> 00:46:42,282
- You do?
- Of course. I mean, I wouldn’t be lying
742
00:46:42,307 --> 00:46:44,160
on the floor in the middle of the night...
743
00:46:44,219 --> 00:46:47,431
in some man’s apartment
drinking champagne if he wasn’t married.
744
00:46:47,514 --> 00:46:50,309
That’s a very interesting
line of reasoning.
745
00:46:50,392 --> 00:46:53,395
Sure. With a married man,
it’s all so simple.
746
00:46:53,478 --> 00:46:56,064
I mean, it can’t possibly
ever get drastic.
747
00:47:02,487 --> 00:47:04,698
- [ Sighs ]
- Have a potato chip.
748
00:47:04,781 --> 00:47:08,702
Drastic? In what sense
can’t it possibly get drastic?
749
00:47:08,827 --> 00:47:12,111
You may not believe this, but people
keep falling desperately in love with me.
750
00:47:12,136 --> 00:47:13,230
Oh, I believe it.
751
00:47:13,332 --> 00:47:17,088
And suddenly, they get this
strange idea in their heads.
752
00:47:17,113 --> 00:47:18,694
I believe that too.
753
00:47:18,754 --> 00:47:22,382
Yes. They start asking me
to marry them. All the time.
754
00:47:22,466 --> 00:47:24,384
I don’t know why they do it.
755
00:47:24,468 --> 00:47:26,762
I think maybe
it’s a kind of nervousness.
756
00:47:26,887 --> 00:47:28,805
- Maybe.
- Mm-hmm.
757
00:47:28,889 --> 00:47:32,476
All I know is I don’t want to get married.
Not yet anyway.
758
00:47:32,559 --> 00:47:36,897
Getting married? That’d be worse
than living at the club.
759
00:47:36,980 --> 00:47:39,191
Then I’d have to start
getting in by 1:00 again.
760
00:47:39,274 --> 00:47:42,736
Very true. You probably would.
At least occasionally.
761
00:47:42,819 --> 00:47:45,864
That’s the wonderful part
about being with a married man.
762
00:47:45,947 --> 00:47:49,368
No matter what happens,
he can’t possibly ask you to marry him.
763
00:47:49,493 --> 00:47:53,080
- Because he’s married already. Right?
- Right.
764
00:47:56,666 --> 00:47:58,960
You certainly don’t have
to worry about me.
765
00:47:59,044 --> 00:48:02,339
I’m a married man.
Oh, am I ever a married man.
766
00:48:02,422 --> 00:48:04,966
I’m probably the most married man
you will ever know.
767
00:48:05,050 --> 00:48:09,012
And I give you my solemn promise,
I will never, under any circumstances,
768
00:48:09,096 --> 00:48:11,556
ask you to marry me,
come what may.
769
00:48:13,517 --> 00:48:16,561
- Well, how about some music?
- Fine.
770
00:48:16,645 --> 00:48:20,816
Let’s see.
Let’s see what we’ve got here.
771
00:48:20,899 --> 00:48:23,777
Debussy. Ravel. Stravinsky.
772
00:48:25,320 --> 00:48:27,489
Hey! How about this one?
773
00:48:27,572 --> 00:48:31,034
Rachmaninoff.
The second piano concerto.
774
00:48:31,118 --> 00:48:33,662
You look to me
like a big Rachmaninoff girl.
775
00:48:34,913 --> 00:48:38,917
I do? That’s funny, because I don’t
know anything about music.
776
00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:41,211
You don’t have to know
anything about music.
777
00:48:41,294 --> 00:48:43,505
Just listen to it.
That’s all.
778
00:48:45,424 --> 00:48:48,343
♪♪ [ Classical ]
779
00:48:53,306 --> 00:48:56,268
- This is what they call classical music, isn’t it?
- Yes.
780
00:48:56,351 --> 00:48:58,353
I could tell
because there’s no vocal.
781
00:49:00,689 --> 00:49:03,066
Shh. Don’t talk.
782
00:49:04,192 --> 00:49:06,111
Don’t fight it.
783
00:49:06,194 --> 00:49:08,113
Relax.
784
00:49:08,196 --> 00:49:10,532
Go limp.
785
00:49:10,657 --> 00:49:13,326
- Like this?
- Yes.
786
00:49:13,410 --> 00:49:15,370
Let it sweep over you.
787
00:49:26,673 --> 00:49:29,634
You know, I got the biggest thing
for Eddie Fisher.
788
00:49:34,014 --> 00:49:38,018
Very frequently, people go all to pieces
listening to this.
789
00:49:38,143 --> 00:49:40,854
- No kidding!
- Yes.
790
00:49:40,937 --> 00:49:44,399
It quakes them.
It shakes them.
791
00:49:45,692 --> 00:49:49,821
It makes them goose-pimply
all over.
792
00:49:49,905 --> 00:49:52,824
Hey! Did you ever try dunking a potato chip
in champagne?
793
00:49:52,908 --> 00:49:55,243
It’s real crazy. Here.
794
00:49:58,246 --> 00:50:02,501
- Isn’t that crazy?
- Yeah, pretty crazy.
795
00:50:02,584 --> 00:50:05,754
Maybe we better send
Rachmaninoff to the showers.
796
00:50:05,837 --> 00:50:07,797
I’m afraid this wasn’t
such a good idea.
797
00:50:07,881 --> 00:50:11,218
Don’t worry.
Everything’s fine.
798
00:50:11,301 --> 00:50:14,471
A married man,
air-conditioning—
799
00:50:14,554 --> 00:50:16,473
champagne and potato chips—
800
00:50:16,556 --> 00:50:19,351
It’s just a wonderful party.
801
00:50:19,434 --> 00:50:23,480
Hey! Look, you’ve got U.S. Camera!
802
00:50:23,563 --> 00:50:27,025
I do? How about that?
803
00:50:27,150 --> 00:50:29,194
♪♪ [ Stops ]
I’ve got U.S. Camera.
804
00:50:29,277 --> 00:50:32,864
I bet I bought a dozen copies of this,
but I don’t have a single one left.
805
00:50:32,948 --> 00:50:34,866
Boys and people
kept stealing them.
806
00:50:34,950 --> 00:50:37,661
Why would they do
a thing like that?
807
00:50:37,744 --> 00:50:40,622
That’s me,
right there on the beach.
808
00:50:41,790 --> 00:50:45,502
My hair was a little longer then.
Did you notice?
809
00:50:45,585 --> 00:50:48,046
No. Actually, I didn’t.
810
00:50:48,129 --> 00:50:50,882
Let me ask you something.
When they took this picture,
811
00:50:50,966 --> 00:50:52,884
there must’ve been some passersby.
812
00:50:52,968 --> 00:50:57,722
I mean, some other people around.
I mean, how did they keep the crowd back?
813
00:50:57,806 --> 00:50:59,849
Oh, it was taken
very early in the morning.
814
00:50:59,933 --> 00:51:01,851
Nobody was even up yet.
815
00:51:01,935 --> 00:51:03,853
Except...
816
00:51:03,937 --> 00:51:05,897
you see that shadow
right over there?
817
00:51:06,022 --> 00:51:09,609
- What is it, a seagull?
- No. It was a Coast Guard helicopter.
818
00:51:09,693 --> 00:51:11,611
He kept buzzing the beach.
819
00:51:11,695 --> 00:51:15,574
Maybe you’d like for me to autograph this
before I leave. People keep asking me to.
820
00:51:15,657 --> 00:51:18,285
Sure. Sure.
But you’re not leaving yet, are you?
821
00:51:18,410 --> 00:51:20,453
- How about some more champagne?
- Love some.
822
00:51:20,537 --> 00:51:22,497
Okay.
823
00:51:24,457 --> 00:51:26,376
Just freshen it.
824
00:51:29,170 --> 00:51:31,089
- Oh, I’m awfully sorry.
- It’s all right.
825
00:51:31,172 --> 00:51:33,091
Here.
826
00:51:36,052 --> 00:51:38,221
We should have
some music though.
827
00:51:38,346 --> 00:51:41,016
- Do you play the piano?
- Well, not really.
828
00:51:41,099 --> 00:51:44,561
Not anymore. I used to.
Just a little, as a child.
829
00:51:44,686 --> 00:51:48,273
- Go ahead. Play something.
- Well, all right.
830
00:51:52,193 --> 00:51:54,112
Let’s see if I remember this.
831
00:51:54,195 --> 00:51:56,114
It’s a little tricky.
832
00:52:02,037 --> 00:52:04,122
♪♪ [ Chopsticks ]
833
00:52:16,760 --> 00:52:20,639
Chopsticks!
I can play that too. Shove over.
834
00:52:20,722 --> 00:52:22,724
♪♪ [ Humming With Tune ]
835
00:52:43,078 --> 00:52:46,331
I don’t know about Rachmaninoff, whether it
shakes you and quakes you and stuff.
836
00:52:46,456 --> 00:52:48,375
- But this really gets me.
- It does?
837
00:52:48,500 --> 00:52:51,252
- And how!
- ♪♪ [ Humming ]
838
00:52:54,756 --> 00:52:57,258
♪♪ [ Humming ]
839
00:52:59,511 --> 00:53:02,347
- I can feel the goose pimples.
- Goose pimples?
840
00:53:02,430 --> 00:53:04,724
Uh-huh.
841
00:53:04,808 --> 00:53:07,352
♪♪ [ Humming ]
842
00:53:08,770 --> 00:53:11,106
Don’t stop.
843
00:53:11,189 --> 00:53:13,692
Don’t stop.
844
00:53:13,817 --> 00:53:16,361
- Why do you stop?
- [ British Accent ] You know why.
845
00:53:16,444 --> 00:53:19,197
- Why?
- Because—
846
00:53:19,280 --> 00:53:22,951
Because now I’m going
to take you in my arms and kiss you...
847
00:53:23,034 --> 00:53:25,995
very quickly and very hard.
848
00:53:26,121 --> 00:53:28,998
Hey, wait a minute!
[Loud Crash]
849
00:53:34,170 --> 00:53:37,048
What happened?
I kind of lost track.
850
00:53:37,132 --> 00:53:40,051
I don’t know.
This is terrible.
851
00:53:40,135 --> 00:53:45,348
There’s nothing I can say,
except that I’m terribly sorry.
852
00:53:45,432 --> 00:53:48,226
Nothing like this ever happened
to me before in all my life.
853
00:53:48,309 --> 00:53:51,980
Honest?
Happens to me all the time.
854
00:53:52,063 --> 00:53:53,982
This is unforgivable.
855
00:53:54,065 --> 00:53:58,194
The only possible excuse
is that I’m not quite myself tonight.
856
00:53:58,278 --> 00:54:01,990
So maybe it’d be better
if you would just go.
857
00:54:02,073 --> 00:54:04,284
Why? You’re being silly.
858
00:54:04,367 --> 00:54:07,537
Please go.
I must insist.
859
00:54:10,498 --> 00:54:12,625
Take your potato chips and go.
860
00:54:15,170 --> 00:54:18,173
All right,
if you really want me to.
861
00:54:22,552 --> 00:54:24,512
- Good night.
- Good night.
862
00:54:27,348 --> 00:54:29,267
I think you’re very nice.
863
00:54:35,106 --> 00:54:37,317
Nice. You’re not nice.
864
00:54:37,400 --> 00:54:39,360
You’re crazy.
That’s what you are.
865
00:54:39,444 --> 00:54:44,115
You’re running amok. Helen’s gone for one
day, and you’re running amok.
866
00:54:44,199 --> 00:54:47,619
Smoking, drinking,
picking up girls—
867
00:54:47,702 --> 00:54:49,621
playing Chopsticks.
868
00:54:51,289 --> 00:54:53,208
You’re not gonna live
through the summer.
869
00:54:53,291 --> 00:54:55,835
Not like this, you’re not.
870
00:55:01,299 --> 00:55:03,218
Look at those
bloodshot eyes.
871
00:55:03,301 --> 00:55:07,055
Look at that face—
ravaged, dissipated, evil.
872
00:55:07,138 --> 00:55:10,683
One of these mornings, you’re gonna look in
the mirror, and that’s all, brother.
873
00:55:10,767 --> 00:55:13,436
The Portrait of Dorian Gray.
874
00:55:16,898 --> 00:55:18,858
[ Gasps ]
875
00:55:36,125 --> 00:55:38,044
Good morning, Mr. Sherman.
876
00:55:38,127 --> 00:55:40,129
Uh, good morning, Miss Morris.
877
00:55:42,131 --> 00:55:45,218
- Mr. Brady get in yet?
- Oh, yes. He came in bright and early.
878
00:55:45,301 --> 00:55:47,762
I want to see him.
And put this on my desk, please.
879
00:55:47,846 --> 00:55:49,556
Oh, of course.
880
00:55:49,639 --> 00:55:51,766
Oh, Mr. Sherman,
would you like me to go down...
881
00:55:51,850 --> 00:55:53,726
and get you some coffee
and a jelly doughnut?
882
00:55:53,852 --> 00:55:56,396
- No, thank you, Miss Morris.
- I thought perhaps you hadn’t had breakfast,
883
00:55:56,479 --> 00:55:58,481
with the family away and all that.
884
00:55:58,565 --> 00:56:01,734
Miss Morris, I am perfectly capable
of fixing my own breakfast.
885
00:56:01,818 --> 00:56:05,154
As a matter of fact, I had a peanut butter
sandwich and two whiskey sours.
886
00:56:11,286 --> 00:56:14,080
- Mr. Brady?
- Oh, Sherman, come in.
887
00:56:16,457 --> 00:56:18,376
Well, what is it?
888
00:56:18,459 --> 00:56:20,216
Mr. Brady,
I’ve been with this company for many years,
889
00:56:20,241 --> 00:56:21,778
and I have never
asked for a favor.
890
00:56:21,838 --> 00:56:23,715
But I’m going
to ask for a favor now.
891
00:56:23,840 --> 00:56:27,594
- You had a raise in February.
- I’m not talking about money, Mr. Brady.
892
00:56:27,677 --> 00:56:29,596
This is much more important
than money.
893
00:56:29,679 --> 00:56:31,598
I want two weeks off.
894
00:56:31,681 --> 00:56:34,934
My wife and young son are in the country,
and I want to join them.
895
00:56:35,018 --> 00:56:36,936
Why, that’s impossible, Sherman.
896
00:56:37,020 --> 00:56:40,023
This is our busy season.
We’re preparing our fall list.
897
00:56:40,106 --> 00:56:42,066
I’m very tense, Mr. Brady, and upset.
898
00:56:42,150 --> 00:56:44,819
I’m on the verge of some kind
of a nervous breakdown or something,
899
00:56:44,903 --> 00:56:47,280
and I thought if I could
just get back with my wife—
900
00:56:47,405 --> 00:56:50,199
- How long have you been married, Sherman?
- Seven years, Mr. Brady.
901
00:56:50,283 --> 00:56:52,535
Well, wait till you’ve been
married as long as I have,
902
00:56:52,619 --> 00:56:55,038
and you’ll be delighted to get rid
of them for the summer.
903
00:56:55,163 --> 00:56:59,584
Now, take me. Shipped Mrs. Brady and
the kids to Nantucket yesterday afternoon,
904
00:56:59,667 --> 00:57:02,545
and I haven’t been to bed since.
905
00:57:02,629 --> 00:57:05,423
[ Laughing ]
906
00:57:05,506 --> 00:57:07,425
Drank bourbon, smoked cigars.
907
00:57:07,508 --> 00:57:10,470
Played poker with the boys
till quarter of 9:00 this morning.
908
00:57:10,553 --> 00:57:13,973
Came directly to the office.
Never felt better in my life.
909
00:57:14,057 --> 00:57:17,101
As a matter of fact,
I may not go to bed at all...
910
00:57:17,185 --> 00:57:19,103
till the family gets back
in September.
911
00:57:19,187 --> 00:57:20,897
[ Laughing ]
912
00:57:20,980 --> 00:57:24,025
If I stay in New York alone,
there’s a very good chance, Mr. Brady,
913
00:57:24,108 --> 00:57:26,861
that I will not live to see September.
914
00:57:26,945 --> 00:57:29,656
That’s ridiculous, Sherman.
You’re just a little lonely.
915
00:57:29,739 --> 00:57:31,658
But I can take care of you.
916
00:57:31,741 --> 00:57:34,035
Say, what about the two of us
teaming up tonight,
917
00:57:34,118 --> 00:57:36,037
seeing if we can get lucky?
918
00:57:36,120 --> 00:57:38,748
And it doesn’t have to be
just poker either.
919
00:57:38,831 --> 00:57:42,502
We’ll cut loose and have us
a real hootenanny.
920
00:57:42,585 --> 00:57:45,380
Well, it’s very kind of you, Mr. Brady,
but I don’t think—
921
00:57:45,463 --> 00:57:47,966
Well, I mean, I’m really not—
No hootenannies. No, no, no.
922
00:57:48,049 --> 00:57:51,594
Well, suit yourself, Sherman.
Oh, but one other thing, while you’re here.
923
00:57:51,678 --> 00:57:55,014
I’ve been thinking about that fall list,
and I came up with a notion.
924
00:57:55,098 --> 00:58:00,728
What would you think about a 25-cent
reprint of The Portrait of Dorian Gray?
925
00:58:00,853 --> 00:58:03,940
- The Portrait of Dorian Gray?
- It’s a natural, Sherman.
926
00:58:04,023 --> 00:58:06,484
Look what we’ll be giving
them for a quarter—
927
00:58:06,567 --> 00:58:09,028
violence, lust and corruption.
928
00:58:09,112 --> 00:58:11,781
The story of a young man,
on the surface,
929
00:58:11,864 --> 00:58:14,659
clear-eyed and healthy—
just like you, Sherman—
930
00:58:14,742 --> 00:58:17,704
But underneath— ah!
Dry rot!
931
00:58:17,787 --> 00:58:23,376
And the termites of sin and depravity
gnawing at his soul.
932
00:58:23,459 --> 00:58:25,461
Well, how’s that strike you, Sherman?
933
00:58:26,254 --> 00:58:29,590
Dull, dull, dull.
934
00:58:30,800 --> 00:58:32,510
“Chapter Six.
935
00:58:32,593 --> 00:58:36,848
“The Brubaker-Stikle Theory of the Sporadic
Infidelity Pattern in the Married Male,
936
00:58:36,931 --> 00:58:38,933
“or the Seven Year Itch.
937
00:58:39,017 --> 00:58:43,521
“A thorough study of 18,000 marriages
conducted by Dr. Stikle and myself...
938
00:58:43,604 --> 00:58:47,525
“leads us to believe that the urge curve
in the middle-aged husband...
939
00:58:47,608 --> 00:58:51,237
“rises sharply during
the seventh year of marriage.
940
00:58:51,320 --> 00:58:57,201
Dr. Stikle refers to this phenomenon
somewhat humorously as “the seven year itch.”
941
00:58:57,285 --> 00:59:01,748
Hmm. “However, far from being humorous,
this unfortunate urge...
942
00:59:01,831 --> 00:59:06,419
which strikes 84.6%
of the married male population...
943
00:59:06,502 --> 00:59:10,798
rises to an alarming 91.8
during the summer months.’’
944
00:59:21,142 --> 00:59:23,061
- Changed my mind.
- [ Chuckles ]
945
00:59:26,481 --> 00:59:28,191
[Door Closes]
946
00:59:32,695 --> 00:59:37,325
“Case History ‘A’— Gustav Maraheim,
the Mad Lover of Leipzig.
947
00:59:40,661 --> 00:59:45,208
“A rather extreme, but by no means
unusual, case of the seven year itch...
948
00:59:45,291 --> 00:59:48,711
“occurred in Leipzig, Germany,
in the year 1912.
949
00:59:48,795 --> 00:59:51,506
“Gustav Maraheim,
a middle-aged businessman,
950
00:59:51,589 --> 00:59:54,467
happily married for seven years,
suddenly’’—
951
00:59:54,550 --> 00:59:56,511
Seven years?
952
01:00:01,933 --> 01:00:03,810
Dr. Brubaker to see Mr. Sherman.
953
01:00:03,935 --> 01:00:06,688
Oh, good afternoon, Doctor.
Oh, you’re 15 minutes early.
954
01:00:06,713 --> 01:00:07,629
Yes, I know.
955
01:00:07,688 --> 01:00:10,858
My 3:00 patient jumped out of the window
in the middle of his session,
956
01:00:10,942 --> 01:00:13,361
so I have been running 1 5 minutes
ahead of schedule ever since.
957
01:00:13,486 --> 01:00:15,404
- Which is the door?
- Uh, this one.
958
01:00:19,700 --> 01:00:23,246
- Good afternoon, Mr. Sherman.
- Oh, Dr. Brubaker.
959
01:00:23,329 --> 01:00:26,624
I see you’ve been working on my little book—
Of Man and the Unconscious.
960
01:00:26,707 --> 01:00:30,128
Yes. It’s a wonderful book, Doctor.
Very important.
961
01:00:30,253 --> 01:00:32,922
- It has something in it for everyone.
- I think so.
962
01:00:33,005 --> 01:00:34,924
Now, really, Doctor,
you’ll be happy to know...
963
01:00:35,007 --> 01:00:37,510
that we’re giving it a big promotion,
the full treatment.
964
01:00:37,593 --> 01:00:41,806
Two months from today, you’ll be seeing
this cover in every drugstore in America.
965
01:00:41,889 --> 01:00:43,808
“Of Sex and Violence ’’?
966
01:00:43,891 --> 01:00:46,394
Well, we had to soup up the title a little.
[ Chuckles ]
967
01:00:46,477 --> 01:00:49,063
And what, may I ask, sir,
is this supposed to represent?
968
01:00:49,147 --> 01:00:51,357
Oh, it represents Gustav Maraheim—
you remember,
969
01:00:51,440 --> 01:00:54,819
the Mad Lover of Leipzig—
terrorizing one of his victims.
970
01:00:54,902 --> 01:00:56,946
Isn’t that just sensational?
971
01:00:57,029 --> 01:00:59,198
May I remind you, sir,
that Gustav Maraheim...
972
01:00:59,282 --> 01:01:01,826
was a very small man
with a large red beard?
973
01:01:01,951 --> 01:01:05,079
- Doctor, you’re quibbling. Nobody knows that.
- They know it in Leipzig.
974
01:01:05,163 --> 01:01:07,165
Und furthermore,
may I point out to you, sir,
975
01:01:07,248 --> 01:01:09,709
that all of Maraheim’s victims
were middle-aged women.
976
01:01:09,792 --> 01:01:13,129
Now, look, Doctor, don’t you think
it’d be much more effective...
977
01:01:13,212 --> 01:01:16,132
to show a man terrorizing
a young and beautiful girl?
978
01:01:16,257 --> 01:01:18,843
- Sales-wise, I mean.
- Mr. Sherman, I’m not a salesman.
979
01:01:18,926 --> 01:01:21,971
I’m a scientist, a doctor.
I heal sick minds.
980
01:01:22,054 --> 01:01:25,224
I try in my small way to root out
the insecurities,
981
01:01:25,308 --> 01:01:28,060
neuroses, inner tensions—
982
01:01:28,144 --> 01:01:30,479
What is it, Doctor?
What are you looking at?
983
01:01:30,563 --> 01:01:32,481
Nothing, nothing.
984
01:01:34,734 --> 01:01:37,612
- Does that mean something, Doctor?
- No. Nothing serious.
985
01:01:37,695 --> 01:01:39,614
A storm warning perhaps.
986
01:01:39,697 --> 01:01:42,575
[ Chuckles ] Dark clouds gathering
on the psychic horizon.
987
01:01:42,658 --> 01:01:44,702
That’s preposterous.
988
01:01:44,785 --> 01:01:48,414
A twitch in the thumb—
a nerve or a muscle probably—
989
01:01:48,497 --> 01:01:51,167
and you psychiatrists start
making a federal case out of it.
990
01:01:51,250 --> 01:01:53,836
Of all the ridiculous—
991
01:01:53,961 --> 01:01:56,672
- Tell me, Doctor. Are you very expensive?
- Very.
992
01:01:56,797 --> 01:01:59,717
- I’m sure you occasionally make exceptions.
- Never.
993
01:01:59,800 --> 01:02:02,887
I mean, once in a while, a case must come
along that really interests you.
994
01:02:02,970 --> 01:02:05,973
At $50 an hour,
all my cases interest me.
995
01:02:06,057 --> 01:02:08,476
I mean, if you should run into
something really spectacular—
996
01:02:08,559 --> 01:02:10,478
for instance,
another Gustav Maraheim.
997
01:02:10,561 --> 01:02:13,481
Doctor, you wouldn’t believe this,
998
01:02:13,564 --> 01:02:17,526
but last night, I found myself...
999
01:02:17,610 --> 01:02:19,987
terrorizing a young lady.
1000
01:02:20,071 --> 01:02:23,074
That could, of course,
account for the thumb.
1001
01:02:23,157 --> 01:02:25,952
Well, actually, it wasn’t that bad.
I’m exaggerating.
1002
01:02:26,035 --> 01:02:27,954
I just made a little boo-boo.
1003
01:02:28,037 --> 01:02:31,457
Psychoanalysis does not recognize
the boo-boo as such.
1004
01:02:31,540 --> 01:02:34,252
Everything we do
has its roots in the unconscious.
1005
01:02:34,335 --> 01:02:36,254
Believe me, Doctor,
I was completely conscious.
1006
01:02:36,337 --> 01:02:40,174
I told her to go. I told her
to take her potato chips and go.
1007
01:02:40,258 --> 01:02:42,426
Potato chips? If you please.
1008
01:02:42,510 --> 01:02:44,470
All right, Doctor.
1009
01:02:47,848 --> 01:02:50,643
Doctor, I’m in serious trouble.
I’m married.
1010
01:02:50,726 --> 01:02:55,022
“Serious trouble.’’ “Married.’’
So far, absolutely normal.
1011
01:02:55,106 --> 01:02:58,150
I’ve been married for seven years,
and I’m afraid I’m coming down...
1012
01:02:58,234 --> 01:03:01,487
with what you and Dr. Stikle
call the seven year itch.
1013
01:03:01,570 --> 01:03:03,489
What am I going to do?
1014
01:03:03,572 --> 01:03:06,617
If something itches, my dear sir,
the natural tendency is to scratch.
1015
01:03:06,701 --> 01:03:09,328
I scratched last night.
You see, there was this young lady—
1016
01:03:09,412 --> 01:03:12,665
Then suddenly everything went black.
Then I terrorized her.
1017
01:03:12,748 --> 01:03:14,750
That is, I attempted
to terrorize her.
1018
01:03:14,834 --> 01:03:17,545
From the way you phrase it,
I assume the attempt was unsuccessful.
1019
01:03:17,628 --> 01:03:21,632
Oh, definitely. All I did was
knock us both off the piano bench.
1020
01:03:22,883 --> 01:03:24,802
Let me understand this.
1021
01:03:24,885 --> 01:03:28,848
You attempted to terrorize
a young lady on a piano bench?
1022
01:03:30,725 --> 01:03:32,685
Yes.
1023
01:03:32,768 --> 01:03:36,397
And on whose person was this obviously
maladroit attempt committed?
1024
01:03:37,440 --> 01:03:40,985
Here, Doctor.
I brought this with me.
1025
01:03:41,068 --> 01:03:43,446
I didn’t want to leave it
lying around the house.
1026
01:03:45,239 --> 01:03:47,158
That’s her.
1027
01:03:47,241 --> 01:03:49,243
Her hair
was a little longer then.
1028
01:03:54,290 --> 01:03:57,918
It’s called Textures because
you can see the three different textures—
1029
01:03:58,002 --> 01:04:00,129
the driftwood, the sand and her.
1030
01:04:00,254 --> 01:04:03,382
- It got honorable mention.
- Splendid.
1031
01:04:03,466 --> 01:04:06,010
I congratulate you on your good taste.
1032
01:04:06,093 --> 01:04:09,013
Interesting driftwood formation too.
1033
01:04:09,096 --> 01:04:11,682
However, you ask for my advice.
I give it to you.
1034
01:04:11,766 --> 01:04:13,726
Do not attempt it again.
1035
01:04:13,809 --> 01:04:17,396
If you should, however,
give yourself plenty of room to work in.
1036
01:04:17,480 --> 01:04:21,400
In any case, do not attempt it
precariously balanced on a piano bench.
1037
01:04:21,484 --> 01:04:23,361
Such an attempt
is doomed from the start.
1038
01:04:23,486 --> 01:04:25,696
- Look, Doctor, I love my wife.
- Don’t we all?
1039
01:04:25,780 --> 01:04:28,991
Your time is up. If you should find
yourself in need of further analysis—
1040
01:04:29,116 --> 01:04:31,035
- Doctor, I’m desperate.
- you can call my office.
1041
01:04:31,118 --> 01:04:33,120
The nurse will arrange
for an appointment.
1042
01:04:33,204 --> 01:04:37,375
As for my book, we will resume discussion
at such time as your... has subsided.
1043
01:04:37,458 --> 01:04:39,418
Suppose this girl
tells somebody about this.
1044
01:04:39,502 --> 01:04:41,504
Oh, if she tells anybody
about this, I’ll kill her.
1045
01:04:41,629 --> 01:04:44,965
- I’ll kill her with my bare hands.
- A possible solution.
1046
01:04:45,049 --> 01:04:48,208
I submit, however, that murder is
the most difficult of all crimes
1047
01:04:48,233 --> 01:04:49,411
to commit successfully.
1048
01:04:49,470 --> 01:04:52,640
Therefore, until you are able
to commit a simple act of terror,
1049
01:04:52,723 --> 01:04:57,144
I strongly advise you to avoid anything
as complex as murder.
1050
01:04:57,228 --> 01:04:59,438
One must learn to walk
before one can run.
1051
01:04:59,522 --> 01:05:02,108
Thank you and good-bye.
1052
01:05:03,192 --> 01:05:05,152
[Door Closes]
1053
01:05:09,281 --> 01:05:11,200
I’m in big trouble.
1054
01:05:12,243 --> 01:05:15,538
I know girls like this. They just can’t keep
their big mouths shut.
1055
01:05:15,621 --> 01:05:18,332
This is gonna be all over New York.
1056
01:05:18,416 --> 01:05:21,752
I bet right this minute
she’s telling somebody about it.
1057
01:05:21,836 --> 01:05:23,754
Yaddita, yaddita, yaddita—
1058
01:05:23,838 --> 01:05:26,340
So he lured me down
in his apartment.
1059
01:05:26,424 --> 01:05:28,634
He made me sit on his piano bench.
1060
01:05:28,717 --> 01:05:30,886
Then he made me play Chopsticks.
1061
01:05:30,970 --> 01:05:34,348
Then suddenly he turned on me,
his eyes bulging.
1062
01:05:34,432 --> 01:05:36,350
He was frothing at the mouth,
1063
01:05:36,434 --> 01:05:39,019
just like the creature from
the black lagoon.
1064
01:05:41,605 --> 01:05:43,607
I knew it. I knew it.
1065
01:05:43,691 --> 01:05:46,110
That’s how these stories get started.
1066
01:05:46,193 --> 01:05:48,779
Big blabbermouth.
1067
01:05:48,863 --> 01:05:51,740
Then he lured her
down into his apartment.
1068
01:05:51,824 --> 01:05:54,118
Pretended he wasn’t married.
1069
01:05:54,201 --> 01:05:56,787
Then he forced her
to sit on the piano bench.
1070
01:05:56,871 --> 01:06:01,792
I know him very well. He was in here for
dinner only last night— 260 calories.
1071
01:06:01,876 --> 01:06:05,296
Well, as I was saying, he forced her
to sit on the piano bench.
1072
01:06:05,379 --> 01:06:07,298
And then do you know what he did?
1073
01:06:07,381 --> 01:06:09,341
He made her play Chopsticks.
1074
01:06:10,801 --> 01:06:13,387
The word is spreading.
It’s spreading.
1075
01:06:13,471 --> 01:06:15,473
It’s like jungle drums.
1076
01:06:16,557 --> 01:06:20,436
Everybody knows about it.
Everybody’s talking about it.
1077
01:06:20,519 --> 01:06:23,481
[ Gasps ]
Television.
1078
01:06:23,564 --> 01:06:25,483
I forgot she’s on television.
1079
01:06:25,566 --> 01:06:28,277
Fifty million television sets in America.
1080
01:06:28,360 --> 01:06:30,529
And now with the coaxial cable—
1081
01:06:32,281 --> 01:06:34,533
I had onions at lunch.
1082
01:06:34,617 --> 01:06:37,119
I had garlic dressing at dinner.
1083
01:06:37,203 --> 01:06:41,957
But he’ll never know
because I stay kissing-sweet...
1084
01:06:42,041 --> 01:06:44,710
the new Dazzledent way.
1085
01:06:48,339 --> 01:06:50,382
And now that I have
your attention,
1086
01:06:50,466 --> 01:06:53,219
I want to warn all you girls
and women of New York...
1087
01:06:53,302 --> 01:06:57,139
about an evil, dangerous,
perfectly dreadful married man...
1088
01:06:57,223 --> 01:06:59,183
who lives downstairs in my building.
1089
01:06:59,266 --> 01:07:02,520
His name is Sherman—
Richard Sherman.
1090
01:07:02,603 --> 01:07:06,607
S-H-E-R-M-A-N.
1091
01:07:06,690 --> 01:07:09,485
While his lovely wife and son
are in Maine for the summer,
1092
01:07:09,568 --> 01:07:12,321
this monstrous man
is terrorizing young girls—
1093
01:07:12,404 --> 01:07:14,573
Mommy, Mommy! Come quick!
1094
01:07:14,657 --> 01:07:17,493
They’re talking about Daddy
on television!
1095
01:07:17,576 --> 01:07:19,828
Then he makes them sit
on the piano bench.
1096
01:07:19,912 --> 01:07:23,541
Then he makes them
play Chopsticks.
1097
01:07:23,624 --> 01:07:28,379
Then suddenly he turns on them,
his eyes bulging, his mouth frothing—
1098
01:07:28,462 --> 01:07:30,548
just like the creature
from the black lagoon.
1099
01:07:30,631 --> 01:07:32,591
[Yelps ]
1100
01:07:33,884 --> 01:07:36,595
Well, I might as well face it.
1101
01:07:36,679 --> 01:07:40,558
She knows everything.
She knows, she knows, she knows.
1102
01:07:42,142 --> 01:07:44,061
Then again, maybe she doesn’t.
1103
01:07:44,144 --> 01:07:46,897
Maybe there isn’t even any television
way up there in Maine.
1104
01:07:46,981 --> 01:07:50,025
Oh, I can’t go on
torturing myself like this.
1105
01:07:50,109 --> 01:07:52,444
Why don’t I just call Helen?
If I just call her—
1106
01:07:52,528 --> 01:07:56,365
Why, the minute I heard her voice,
I could tell if she knew anything.
1107
01:07:56,448 --> 01:07:58,450
All right, call her.
1108
01:08:02,997 --> 01:08:05,916
Hello, long distance?
I want to talk to Ogunquit, Maine.
1109
01:08:06,917 --> 01:08:09,837
Uh, Ogunquit-42831-J.
1110
01:08:09,920 --> 01:08:12,506
Yeah. Thanks.
1111
01:08:12,590 --> 01:08:15,342
I don’t know what’s taking so long.
Maybe the line’s busy.
1112
01:08:15,426 --> 01:08:18,220
Maybe she’s talking
to the lawyers already.
1113
01:08:18,304 --> 01:08:20,306
[ Loudly ]
Hello? Hello?
1114
01:08:20,389 --> 01:08:23,559
Helen? Bad connection.
1115
01:08:23,642 --> 01:08:27,104
Who? Who is this?
1116
01:08:27,187 --> 01:08:29,982
I want to talk
to Mrs. Richard Sherman.
1117
01:08:30,065 --> 01:08:32,359
Well, who is this anyway?
1118
01:08:32,443 --> 01:08:35,112
Oh, the babysitter.
1119
01:08:35,195 --> 01:08:38,532
Well, look, this is Mr. Sherman.
Where is Mrs. Sherman?
1120
01:08:39,783 --> 01:08:42,870
What do you mean
she’s on a hayride?
1121
01:08:42,953 --> 01:08:45,122
With whom is she on a hayride?
1122
01:08:46,707 --> 01:08:48,959
Mr. MacKenzie and some people?
1123
01:08:50,461 --> 01:08:52,379
What people?
1124
01:08:53,797 --> 01:08:57,885
She did leave a message for me?
What was the message?
1125
01:08:59,094 --> 01:09:01,472
Oh, Ricky’s paddle.
1126
01:09:01,555 --> 01:09:04,808
No, no, I-I forgot.
Something came up.
1127
01:09:04,892 --> 01:09:07,311
But tell her I’ll send it
the first thing in the morning.
1128
01:09:07,394 --> 01:09:09,271
Good-bye.
[Laughing]
1129
01:09:09,396 --> 01:09:11,523
- Oh, Mr. Sherman?
- Yes, Miss Morris.
1130
01:09:11,649 --> 01:09:14,360
- What is it, Miss Morris?
- Well, it’s five minutes after 6:00.
1131
01:09:14,485 --> 01:09:16,303
I just wondered if you’d
need me anymore tonight.
1132
01:09:16,303 --> 01:09:18,221
No, Miss Morris. No.
1133
01:09:18,280 --> 01:09:20,449
We’ve come to the end
of a perfect day.
1134
01:09:20,532 --> 01:09:23,535
Let us go home now and enjoy
the simple things in life,
1135
01:09:23,619 --> 01:09:26,330
the good things, the real things—
1136
01:09:26,413 --> 01:09:29,291
the laughter of a child,
a distant church bell,
1137
01:09:29,375 --> 01:09:33,504
a flight of swallows winging
their way back to Capistrano.
1138
01:09:33,587 --> 01:09:36,298
Life can be beautiful, Miss Morris.
1139
01:09:36,382 --> 01:09:38,884
♪♪ [ Whistling ]
1140
01:09:52,606 --> 01:09:54,316
Hey!
1141
01:09:54,400 --> 01:09:56,068
Good evening.
1142
01:09:56,151 --> 01:09:59,113
I just washed my hair.
1143
01:09:59,196 --> 01:10:03,492
That’s nice. Good-bye.
1144
01:10:08,330 --> 01:10:12,543
Oh, no. Not tonight.
This girl’s a pistol.
1145
01:10:12,626 --> 01:10:15,129
I got away with it once.
Why press my luck?
1146
01:10:18,257 --> 01:10:20,634
[ Sighs ]
1147
01:10:20,718 --> 01:10:23,262
It’s gonna be quietsville
around here tonight,
1148
01:10:23,345 --> 01:10:25,472
I promise you that.
1149
01:10:25,556 --> 01:10:28,142
Take a shower, poach an egg,
1150
01:10:28,225 --> 01:10:31,186
rinse out a shirt,
hit the sack and—
1151
01:10:31,270 --> 01:10:33,188
That’s all.
1152
01:10:33,272 --> 01:10:35,774
♪♪ [ Whistling ]
1153
01:10:54,501 --> 01:10:57,921
If she was washing her hair for me,
is she kidding?
1154
01:10:58,005 --> 01:11:00,007
[ Laughing ]
1155
01:11:01,675 --> 01:11:05,345
Oh, Helen, what a wife.
How lucky can you get?
1156
01:11:05,429 --> 01:11:08,056
I’m so glad she’s having
a good time up there.
1157
01:11:08,140 --> 01:11:11,685
People to go out with,
take her on hayrides. Gee.
1158
01:11:14,521 --> 01:11:16,440
One thing I can’t figure out though.
1159
01:11:16,523 --> 01:11:19,610
What is she doing on a hayride
with Tom MacKenzie?
1160
01:11:19,693 --> 01:11:22,112
I wish she wouldn’t hang around
with people like that.
1161
01:11:22,196 --> 01:11:25,449
A man like Tom MacKenzie’s
perfectly capable of making a pass at her.
1162
01:11:25,532 --> 01:11:27,785
And she’ll probably like it.
She’s getting older.
1163
01:11:27,868 --> 01:11:31,497
She’s used to me.
In many ways, I’m probably very dull.
1164
01:11:31,580 --> 01:11:33,624
And Tom MacKenzie’s a writer.
1165
01:11:33,707 --> 01:11:35,918
Well, he happens to be
a lousy writer.
1166
01:11:36,001 --> 01:11:38,170
That last book of his.
1167
01:11:38,253 --> 01:11:41,548
All that “inwardly, downwardly, pulsating,
1168
01:11:41,632 --> 01:11:44,760
and afterwards her hair spilled
across the pillow’’ malarkey.
1169
01:11:44,843 --> 01:11:47,763
No woman is safe around a guy
who writes stuff like that,
1170
01:11:47,846 --> 01:11:49,848
especially not on a hayride.
1171
01:12:05,155 --> 01:12:08,867
No, Tom. Please.
The other people.
1172
01:12:08,951 --> 01:12:11,662
I have a confession to make.
Look around.
1173
01:12:15,749 --> 01:12:18,585
- There are no other people.
- Don’t be angry.
1174
01:12:18,669 --> 01:12:21,129
Oh. I should be.
1175
01:12:22,256 --> 01:12:24,967
No, Tom.
What about the driver?
1176
01:12:25,050 --> 01:12:26,969
There is no driver.
1177
01:12:28,053 --> 01:12:29,972
[Helen]
No driver?
1178
01:12:30,055 --> 01:12:34,142
I thought of everything.
Even the horses are wearing blinkers.
1179
01:12:34,226 --> 01:12:36,645
Tom, I’m afraid.
1180
01:12:36,728 --> 01:12:39,022
Afraid? Of me?
1181
01:12:39,106 --> 01:12:41,525
No. Of me.
1182
01:12:42,943 --> 01:12:44,862
Oh, darling.
1183
01:12:44,945 --> 01:12:47,406
Inwardly, downwardly,
pulsating, striving,
1184
01:12:47,489 --> 01:12:50,534
now, together,
ending and unending—
1185
01:12:50,617 --> 01:12:54,454
Now! Now! Now!
1186
01:12:55,455 --> 01:12:57,833
What a cornball.
1187
01:12:57,916 --> 01:12:59,835
Okay, good luck.
1188
01:12:59,918 --> 01:13:03,171
If that’s the way you want to play it,
I can play it that way too.
1189
01:13:03,255 --> 01:13:05,173
No holds barred.
1190
01:13:15,851 --> 01:13:17,853
Kaufman. Kaufman. Kaufman.
1191
01:13:32,159 --> 01:13:33,911
Hi.
1192
01:13:33,994 --> 01:13:36,830
Did you know you left your tomato plant
down here last night?
1193
01:13:36,914 --> 01:13:39,833
[ Chuckling ]
1194
01:13:39,917 --> 01:13:41,919
I’d be glad to bring it up.
1195
01:13:43,837 --> 01:13:46,214
Or maybe if you’d like
to have dinner, hmm?
1196
01:13:48,967 --> 01:13:52,346
And then maybe we could go
to an air-conditioned movie, hmm?
1197
01:13:52,429 --> 01:13:54,932
[ Laughing ]
1198
01:13:56,642 --> 01:13:58,352
Mmm.
1199
01:14:08,904 --> 01:14:12,157
Didn’t you just love
the picture? I did.
1200
01:14:12,240 --> 01:14:15,869
But I just felt so sorry
for the creature, at the end.
1201
01:14:16,870 --> 01:14:19,206
Sorry for the creature?
1202
01:14:19,289 --> 01:14:21,208
What did you want, him
to marry the girl?
1203
01:14:21,291 --> 01:14:25,921
He was kind of scary-looking,
but he wasn’t really all bad.
1204
01:14:26,004 --> 01:14:28,215
I think he just craved
a little affection.
1205
01:14:28,298 --> 01:14:33,011
You know, a sense of being
loved and needed and wanted.
1206
01:14:33,095 --> 01:14:34,972
That’s a very interesting
point of view.
1207
01:14:35,097 --> 01:14:38,475
[Subway Train Approaching]
Oh, do you feel the breeze from the subway?
1208
01:14:38,558 --> 01:14:40,519
Isn’t it delicious?
1209
01:14:43,188 --> 01:14:45,691
[Subway Train Receding]
1210
01:14:46,858 --> 01:14:49,444
Sort of cools the ankles,
doesn’t it?
1211
01:14:49,528 --> 01:14:51,655
Well, what do you think
would be fun to do now?
1212
01:14:51,780 --> 01:14:54,992
- I don’t know. It’s getting pretty late.
- It’s not that late.
1213
01:14:55,075 --> 01:14:58,704
The thing is, I have this big day tomorrow.
I really have to get to sleep.
1214
01:14:58,829 --> 01:15:01,790
- What’s the big day tomorrow?
- Tomorrow I’m on television.
1215
01:15:01,873 --> 01:15:05,544
You remember. I told you about it.
The Dazzledent Hour.
1216
01:15:05,627 --> 01:15:08,338
Ooh! Here comes another one.
1217
01:15:08,422 --> 01:15:10,424
[Subway Train Rushing]
1218
01:15:13,760 --> 01:15:15,762
Tell me,
Dazzledent toothpaste—
1219
01:15:15,846 --> 01:15:18,015
It’s funny. You know,
I don’t think I ever tried it.
1220
01:15:18,098 --> 01:15:20,350
You should.
It’s excellent toothpaste.
1221
01:15:20,434 --> 01:15:22,728
- Is it?
- Oh, yes. I use it myself.
1222
01:15:22,811 --> 01:15:25,856
Oh, then you do recommend it.
I mean, off the record, between friends.
1223
01:15:25,939 --> 01:15:29,609
Definitely. It costs only a few pennies
more than ordinary toothpaste,
1224
01:15:29,693 --> 01:15:32,654
but a recent survey shows
that eight out of 10 oral hygienists—
1225
01:15:32,738 --> 01:15:36,616
Now you sound like a commercial again.
If I believed every commercial I heard—
1226
01:15:36,700 --> 01:15:38,827
You can believe this one,
every word of it.
1227
01:15:38,910 --> 01:15:40,829
What’s that you say on the program?
1228
01:15:40,912 --> 01:15:43,707
He’ll never know
because I stay kissing-sweet—
1229
01:15:43,790 --> 01:15:45,792
the new Dazzledent way?
1230
01:15:45,876 --> 01:15:48,712
- Now, really.
- It’s true.
1231
01:15:48,795 --> 01:15:50,839
I’ll prove it to you.
1232
01:15:54,301 --> 01:15:55,969
Well?
1233
01:15:56,094 --> 01:15:59,285
My faith in the integrity of American
advertising is somewhat restored.
1234
01:15:59,310 --> 01:16:00,372
You see?
1235
01:16:00,432 --> 01:16:02,642
However, before I go to all the trouble
of switching brands,
1236
01:16:02,726 --> 01:16:04,895
I want to make absolutely certain.
1237
01:16:10,942 --> 01:16:13,361
I just cannot understand people
like the Kaufmans.
1238
01:16:13,445 --> 01:16:16,698
A successful businessman,
probably makes 15,000 a year.
1239
01:16:16,782 --> 01:16:19,076
Spends a fortune
collecting African sculpture,
1240
01:16:19,159 --> 01:16:22,037
but he will not put in
air-conditioning.
1241
01:16:22,120 --> 01:16:25,540
I’ll bet it was 95 in the bedroom
last night— like an oven.
1242
01:16:25,624 --> 01:16:27,626
Poor kid. It’s awful.
1243
01:16:30,003 --> 01:16:31,713
Good night.
1244
01:16:31,797 --> 01:16:34,591
Of course, if you wanted
to drop by my place for a few minutes...
1245
01:16:34,674 --> 01:16:38,178
just to cool off before you face
that Turkish bath up there.
1246
01:16:38,303 --> 01:16:41,389
- Well.
- I left the air-conditioning on full blast.
1247
01:16:41,473 --> 01:16:43,767
It’s cool in there.
Probably too cold.
1248
01:16:43,892 --> 01:16:45,597
Oh,
maybe just for a few minutes.
1249
01:16:45,622 --> 01:16:48,379
Sure. To bring the body
temperature down a little.
1250
01:16:49,856 --> 01:16:53,110
The way I feel about air-conditioning is,
no matter how much it costs—
1251
01:16:53,193 --> 01:16:56,780
if there’s no bread in the house,
if you’ve got to sell the kids’ bonds—
1252
01:16:56,863 --> 01:16:59,616
I always say in the summertime,
in New York City,
1253
01:16:59,699 --> 01:17:02,035
you’ve got to have air-conditioning.
1254
01:17:03,370 --> 01:17:05,288
[ Sighs ]
Just feel that.
1255
01:17:05,372 --> 01:17:07,332
[ Gasps ]
1256
01:17:11,628 --> 01:17:14,631
I don’t know if I told you, but I have
air-conditioning in every room.
1257
01:17:14,714 --> 01:17:16,675
Not just the living room,
but the kitchen,
1258
01:17:16,758 --> 01:17:18,844
the bathroom, the bedroom.
1259
01:17:18,969 --> 01:17:22,472
- It’s heaven!
- You just relax.
1260
01:17:22,556 --> 01:17:26,893
I’ll fix us two Tom Collinses,
and we’ll have a nice, quiet, serious talk.
1261
01:17:37,696 --> 01:17:41,616
[ Sighs ]
This is really the most.
1262
01:17:43,702 --> 01:17:46,204
Well, what shall we talk about, hmm?
1263
01:17:46,288 --> 01:17:49,624
How about... psychoanalysis?
1264
01:17:49,708 --> 01:17:52,002
I don’t know how much you know
about psychoanalysis,
1265
01:17:52,085 --> 01:17:55,046
but it’s sort of a hobby of mine.
1266
01:17:55,130 --> 01:17:59,342
I like to wander through
the labyrinth of the human mind.
1267
01:17:59,426 --> 01:18:04,097
What gets me is spending
3.95 for that miserable fan.
1268
01:18:04,181 --> 01:18:06,099
It’s absolutely useless.
1269
01:18:06,183 --> 01:18:08,185
I’m going to take it back
to the drugstore tomorrow...
1270
01:18:08,268 --> 01:18:10,187
and tell them
to give me my money back.
1271
01:18:10,270 --> 01:18:12,898
I just hope I didn’t lose
the sales slip.
1272
01:18:14,441 --> 01:18:16,943
Forty-eight hours ago,
we were strangers,
1273
01:18:17,027 --> 01:18:20,739
and now you’re here
alone with me in my apartment.
1274
01:18:20,822 --> 01:18:23,617
How did it happen?
Why did we meet?
1275
01:18:23,700 --> 01:18:26,912
Why? The answer, of course,
lies in the unconscious.
1276
01:18:26,995 --> 01:18:29,873
If they won’t take back the fan,
1277
01:18:29,956 --> 01:18:32,918
I’ll just pay another three dollars
and get the larger size.
1278
01:18:33,001 --> 01:18:35,420
But that’s tomorrow.
What about tonight?
1279
01:18:35,503 --> 01:18:38,256
I’ve just got to get some sleep.
1280
01:18:38,340 --> 01:18:41,218
Do you actually think that tomato plant
fell down by itself?
1281
01:18:41,301 --> 01:18:43,762
[ Chuckles ]
There are no accidents.
1282
01:18:43,845 --> 01:18:47,015
Nothing happens by itself.
We make it happen.
1283
01:18:47,098 --> 01:18:49,392
You didn’t accidentally
brush against the tomato plant.
1284
01:18:49,476 --> 01:18:51,394
You pushed it.
1285
01:18:51,478 --> 01:18:56,733
Maybe if I took the little fan,
put it in the icebox...
1286
01:18:56,816 --> 01:18:59,152
and left the icebox door open,
1287
01:18:59,236 --> 01:19:01,780
then left the bedroom door open...
1288
01:19:01,863 --> 01:19:04,950
and soak the sheets
and pillowcase in ice water—
1289
01:19:05,033 --> 01:19:07,869
No. That’s too icky.
1290
01:19:07,953 --> 01:19:10,622
The pattern of your behavior
is completely obvious.
1291
01:19:10,705 --> 01:19:13,750
You pushed the plant down
because you wanted to kill me.
1292
01:19:13,833 --> 01:19:16,628
And why do you suppose
you wanted to kill me?
1293
01:19:16,711 --> 01:19:21,174
Could it be— could it possibly be
because you... love me?
1294
01:19:22,467 --> 01:19:24,177
Hmm?
1295
01:19:24,261 --> 01:19:28,139
Of course, I could just
simply ask him if—
1296
01:19:28,223 --> 01:19:31,685
I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.
1297
01:19:31,768 --> 01:19:34,354
He’s such a nice man.
1298
01:19:34,437 --> 01:19:36,439
There’s nothing to be ashamed of.
1299
01:19:36,523 --> 01:19:39,609
Under this thin veneer of civilization,
we’re all savages.
1300
01:19:39,693 --> 01:19:43,238
Man, woman— hopelessly enmeshed.
1301
01:19:43,321 --> 01:19:46,491
We’re on a great toboggan.
We can’t stop it. We can’t steer it.
1302
01:19:46,574 --> 01:19:49,577
It’s too late to run.
The beguine has begun!
1303
01:19:51,121 --> 01:19:53,123
What are we going to do?
1304
01:19:55,208 --> 01:19:59,379
I’ve been thinking about it,
and I— I—
1305
01:19:59,462 --> 01:20:01,423
Yes?
1306
01:20:01,506 --> 01:20:03,800
I’d like to stay here
with you tonight.
1307
01:20:03,925 --> 01:20:06,886
- Hmm?
- I’d like to sleep here.
1308
01:20:11,891 --> 01:20:14,602
- Are you sure?
- That is, if you don’t mind.
1309
01:20:16,354 --> 01:20:18,315
It’s not a question of minding,
my dear girl.
1310
01:20:18,398 --> 01:20:21,026
It’s just that we don’t want
to rush blindly into something.
1311
01:20:21,109 --> 01:20:24,195
Look, when I said that we were savages—
Well, there are savages and savages.
1312
01:20:24,279 --> 01:20:26,197
And this may be a little too savage.
1313
01:20:26,281 --> 01:20:28,533
Now, if you wanted to spend
an hour or so here, why—
1314
01:20:28,616 --> 01:20:32,245
Please don’t make me go back up
to that hot apartment.
1315
01:20:32,329 --> 01:20:35,332
I haven’t slept in three nights.
1316
01:20:35,415 --> 01:20:37,667
I’d like to look good
for my show tomorrow.
1317
01:20:37,751 --> 01:20:39,836
I could sleep right here
in this chair.
1318
01:20:39,919 --> 01:20:43,298
I won’t even need a pillow.
I’ll be as quiet as a mouse.
1319
01:20:43,381 --> 01:20:46,092
You won’t even know
I’m around. Please?
1320
01:20:46,176 --> 01:20:50,096
Oh, well, that’s different.
1321
01:20:51,431 --> 01:20:53,808
Of course you can sleep here.
Why not?
1322
01:20:53,892 --> 01:20:56,895
After all, we’re not savages.
We’re civilized people.
1323
01:20:56,978 --> 01:20:58,855
Oh, thank you.
1324
01:20:58,980 --> 01:21:01,566
- What time you get up in the morning?
- About 8:00, I guess.
1325
01:21:01,649 --> 01:21:03,568
I’ll fix your breakfast
before I leave.
1326
01:21:03,651 --> 01:21:06,529
Fix my breakfast before you—
Now, wait a minute.
1327
01:21:06,613 --> 01:21:09,824
Suppose someone sees you leaving the
apartment at 8:00 in the morning?
1328
01:21:09,949 --> 01:21:11,434
There are a lot of
people in this building.
1329
01:21:11,434 --> 01:21:13,894
Just one person has to see
you, and we’re dead.
1330
01:21:13,953 --> 01:21:15,872
All right then.
1331
01:21:15,955 --> 01:21:19,209
I could get up at 6:00
and sneak upstairs.
1332
01:21:19,292 --> 01:21:22,837
Get up at 6:00 and sneak upsta—
Sneak! That’s even worse.
1333
01:21:22,921 --> 01:21:26,216
Suppose someone sees you sneaking out of
here at 6:00 in the morning?
1334
01:21:26,341 --> 01:21:28,885
- But we’re not doing anything wrong.
- Certainly not.
1335
01:21:28,968 --> 01:21:31,429
But there’s such a thing as society,
you know— laws, rules.
1336
01:21:31,513 --> 01:21:33,681
I don’t mean
I necessarily believe in them,
1337
01:21:33,765 --> 01:21:36,142
but after all, no man’s an island.
1338
01:21:36,226 --> 01:21:38,728
[Doorbell Buzzing]
1339
01:21:43,650 --> 01:21:47,445
- Who is it?
- It’s me. Mr. Kruhulik.
1340
01:22:02,502 --> 01:22:05,088
- What is it, Mr. Kruhulik?
- I was just coming home.
1341
01:22:05,171 --> 01:22:07,173
Been out with the lady
I told you about.
1342
01:22:07,257 --> 01:22:09,926
You know, the one with the big, fat poodle.
[ Chortles ]
1343
01:22:10,009 --> 01:22:14,013
I saw your light, so I thought maybe it
might be a good time to pick up the rugs.
1344
01:22:15,348 --> 01:22:18,476
At 1:30 in the morning? Are you out of
your mind, Mr. Kruhulik?
1345
01:22:18,560 --> 01:22:20,770
I promised your wife, Mr. Sherman.
1346
01:22:20,854 --> 01:22:23,148
Those moths are probably
in there right now,
1347
01:22:23,231 --> 01:22:25,775
chewing away big, gaping holes.
1348
01:22:25,859 --> 01:22:27,735
Stop worrying, Mr. Kruhulik.
1349
01:22:27,861 --> 01:22:29,696
I give you my solemn
word of honor that the
1350
01:22:29,721 --> 01:22:31,638
moths are not eating anything.
They’re asleep.
1351
01:22:31,698 --> 01:22:35,201
Why don’t you come back tomorrow,
early, before they have their breakfast?
1352
01:22:35,285 --> 01:22:39,080
Uh-uh. You can’t trust a moth,
Mr. Sherman.
1353
01:22:39,164 --> 01:22:41,416
Sometimes they get hungry
in the middle of the night,
1354
01:22:41,499 --> 01:22:44,544
so they start looking around
for a little snack, and then—
1355
01:22:51,634 --> 01:22:53,803
Oh, I wish I was dead.
1356
01:22:53,928 --> 01:22:57,182
- What is the matter, Mr. Kruhulik?
- I’m sorry, Mr. Sherman.
1357
01:22:57,265 --> 01:22:59,642
I didn’t quite understand
the situation.
1358
01:22:59,726 --> 01:23:03,480
In a situation like this,
who cares about moths?
1359
01:23:03,563 --> 01:23:06,316
Situation, Mr. Kruhulik?
What situation?
1360
01:23:07,358 --> 01:23:09,068
[Yelps ]
1361
01:23:11,196 --> 01:23:14,157
Moths? Let them eat—
Let them eat the rugs.
1362
01:23:14,240 --> 01:23:16,534
Let them eat the curtains.
Who cares?
1363
01:23:17,535 --> 01:23:19,746
Go, man, go.
1364
01:23:21,581 --> 01:23:24,125
Just a minute, Mr. Kruhulik.
I would like to explain this.
1365
01:23:24,209 --> 01:23:27,795
This may seem unusual to you, but, actually,
it’s the most natural thing in the world.
1366
01:23:27,879 --> 01:23:29,797
I’ll say.
1367
01:23:29,881 --> 01:23:32,467
[ Whispering ]
Summertime, and the livin’ is easy.
1368
01:23:32,550 --> 01:23:35,011
Fish are jumpin’,
and the cotton is high.
1369
01:23:35,094 --> 01:23:36,971
That will be enough, Mr. Kruhulik.
1370
01:23:37,096 --> 01:23:39,024
The plain fact is that the
young lady lives in this
1371
01:23:39,049 --> 01:23:40,791
building, and there’s
been a terrible accident.
1372
01:23:40,850 --> 01:23:42,894
Hi!
1373
01:23:42,977 --> 01:23:46,105
Well, hello!
1374
01:23:47,982 --> 01:23:51,528
Isn’t she a living doll?
1375
01:23:51,611 --> 01:23:54,697
Mr. Kruhulik, this young lady’s
tomato plant fell down.
1376
01:23:54,781 --> 01:23:58,326
I’m sorry to disappoint your moth-ridden
mind, but that’s all there is to it.
1377
01:23:58,409 --> 01:24:01,663
As a matter of fact, I’m glad you
dropped in. [ Giggles ]
1378
01:24:01,788 --> 01:24:04,005
You can help her take the
tomato plant right back
1379
01:24:04,030 --> 01:24:06,024
upstairs.
It’s right out here on the terrace.
1380
01:24:06,084 --> 01:24:08,795
I was out there watering the garden
with the cocktail shaker—
1381
01:24:08,878 --> 01:24:11,005
That’s right.
A little silver cocktail shaker.
1382
01:24:11,089 --> 01:24:14,384
So, you can see how preposterous
your insinuations were.
1383
01:24:14,467 --> 01:24:17,762
A natural mistake, Mr. Sherman.
1384
01:24:17,845 --> 01:24:20,473
And my apologies to you, dear lady.
1385
01:24:21,474 --> 01:24:24,435
- What a doll!
- Right out here, Mr. Kruhulik.
1386
01:24:25,603 --> 01:24:27,005
What a shambles!
1387
01:24:27,005 --> 01:24:28,630
Oh, it’s all right.
We’re completely covered.
1388
01:24:28,731 --> 01:24:30,733
- [ Kruhulik Straining ]
- I have a floater policy.
1389
01:24:33,778 --> 01:24:36,072
Thank you, Mr. Kruhulik,
and good night.
1390
01:24:36,155 --> 01:24:40,493
Good night, Miss, uh,
whatever your name is.
1391
01:24:40,577 --> 01:24:43,496
Be careful. It’s heavy.
Don’t strain anything.
1392
01:24:43,580 --> 01:24:47,917
I’m strained already from carrying
that big, fat poodle around all night.
1393
01:24:48,001 --> 01:24:49,961
Oh, I wish I was dead.
1394
01:24:52,380 --> 01:24:54,382
Well, good night.
1395
01:24:54,465 --> 01:24:57,051
Good night.
1396
01:24:57,135 --> 01:25:00,722
I’m sorry,
but you can see how it is. I—
1397
01:25:00,805 --> 01:25:04,183
I understand.
No man’s an island.
1398
01:25:11,190 --> 01:25:12,900
[ Kisses ]
1399
01:25:13,901 --> 01:25:15,862
Normal.
1400
01:25:17,739 --> 01:25:20,366
Everything is absolutely normal.
1401
01:25:20,450 --> 01:25:23,036
Sleep. Go to sleep.
1402
01:25:23,119 --> 01:25:25,246
How can I possibly sleep?
1403
01:25:26,456 --> 01:25:28,499
What’ll I do?
1404
01:25:29,709 --> 01:25:32,253
Helen. Write a letter to Helen.
1405
01:25:32,337 --> 01:25:34,255
Write a long letter to Helen.
1406
01:25:36,215 --> 01:25:39,969
The paddle. That’s it.
Got to send the paddle.
1407
01:25:40,053 --> 01:25:43,640
Little Ricky up there in the middle
of the lake without a paddle.
1408
01:25:44,641 --> 01:25:47,226
Wrap the paddle and send it off
the first thing in the morning.
1409
01:25:47,310 --> 01:25:49,312
Little Ricky needs the paddle.
1410
01:25:49,395 --> 01:25:51,856
Got to have his paddle.
Going to get his paddle!
1411
01:25:52,899 --> 01:25:55,234
How do you wrap a paddle anyway?
1412
01:25:55,318 --> 01:25:57,362
Paper and string. What else?
1413
01:25:58,946 --> 01:26:02,408
Now, where can I get a piece of paper
the shape of a paddle?
1414
01:26:12,418 --> 01:26:14,379
All right, nothing.
1415
01:26:16,422 --> 01:26:20,593
Hey. There’s some gauze
in the bathroom.
1416
01:26:20,677 --> 01:26:23,930
I could bandage the whole thing,
put some adhesive tape on it and—
1417
01:26:24,931 --> 01:26:27,433
And what—
send it up in an ambulance?
1418
01:26:29,102 --> 01:26:31,229
Let’s see.
1419
01:26:31,312 --> 01:26:33,523
Oh, this is ridiculous.
1420
01:26:33,606 --> 01:26:37,694
People send paddles every day.
The mails are full of paddles.
1421
01:26:37,777 --> 01:26:39,946
How do they do it?
1422
01:26:42,573 --> 01:26:46,035
That’s it— old newspapers.
1423
01:26:46,119 --> 01:26:48,621
Big deal. Old newspapers.
1424
01:26:48,705 --> 01:26:51,749
Get a lot of string,
slap it together—
1425
01:27:10,977 --> 01:27:12,937
Hi!
1426
01:27:15,064 --> 01:27:18,568
Forgot about the stairs.
Isn’t that silly?
1427
01:27:18,651 --> 01:27:21,320
It was so easy.
I just pulled out the nails.
1428
01:27:23,406 --> 01:27:26,451
You know what?
We can do this all summer.
1429
01:27:27,702 --> 01:27:29,662
Hmm?
1430
01:27:32,707 --> 01:27:35,293
[ Moans ]
1431
01:27:38,087 --> 01:27:40,590
[Moans]
1432
01:27:42,508 --> 01:27:46,012
[ Moaning Continues ]
1433
01:28:18,628 --> 01:28:20,880
Miss? Young lady?
1434
01:28:20,963 --> 01:28:23,508
I got to take a shower.
1435
01:28:23,591 --> 01:28:25,676
Got to get to the office.
1436
01:28:25,760 --> 01:28:27,678
Please, lady, get up.
1437
01:28:27,762 --> 01:28:31,140
Go home
so I can get to the office.
1438
01:28:31,224 --> 01:28:35,186
Please, lady. No?
1439
01:28:35,269 --> 01:28:38,147
[ Moans ]
1440
01:29:27,113 --> 01:29:30,825
Poor kid, working in New York in this heat.
1441
01:29:30,908 --> 01:29:34,996
And on television,
standing there under those hot lights.
1442
01:29:39,292 --> 01:29:41,919
She must need money real bad.
1443
01:29:42,003 --> 01:29:45,089
Lives in a big, expensive apartment,
dresses nicely.
1444
01:29:45,172 --> 01:29:47,383
I know what clothes cost.
1445
01:29:47,466 --> 01:29:49,635
Buys imported champagne.
1446
01:29:50,803 --> 01:29:53,431
How can she possibly afford—
1447
01:29:53,514 --> 01:29:56,976
She must have
other sources of income.
1448
01:29:57,059 --> 01:30:02,064
Plenty of ways a pretty girl could get her
hands on money if she’s unscrupulous enough.
1449
01:30:02,148 --> 01:30:07,486
A girl like this could get hold
of some foolish, well-to-do married man,
1450
01:30:07,570 --> 01:30:10,531
trap him into some kind
of a situation,
1451
01:30:10,615 --> 01:30:14,410
bleed him till he’s white,
squeeze him till he’s dry.
1452
01:30:16,913 --> 01:30:19,081
They have a word for this.
1453
01:30:19,165 --> 01:30:21,667
They call it... blackmail.
1454
01:30:22,835 --> 01:30:24,879
[ Moans ]
1455
01:30:24,962 --> 01:30:27,465
[Shower Running]
1456
01:30:33,095 --> 01:30:36,223
Where is she?
She’s with Kruhulik!
1457
01:30:36,307 --> 01:30:39,101
They’re down at the bank
going through my safe-deposit box.
1458
01:30:47,193 --> 01:30:50,071
Hello? Hello?
Are you in there?
1459
01:30:50,154 --> 01:30:52,073
Hi! Good morning!
1460
01:30:52,156 --> 01:30:54,951
Just taking a shower.
Be out in a minute.
1461
01:30:56,369 --> 01:30:58,913
[ Sighs ]
1462
01:30:58,996 --> 01:31:00,915
[ Chuckling ]
1463
01:31:00,998 --> 01:31:04,919
Just taking a shower. She’ll be out in a
minute. That’s all.
1464
01:31:05,002 --> 01:31:08,506
Maybe I should get one of those big new
towels and take it in to her.
1465
01:31:09,882 --> 01:31:11,801
Uh-uh. Boo-boo.
1466
01:31:11,884 --> 01:31:15,554
That would very definitely
be another boo-boo.
1467
01:31:17,723 --> 01:31:19,850
Boy, if anybody were
to walk in here right now,
1468
01:31:19,934 --> 01:31:22,311
would they ever get the wrong idea.
1469
01:31:22,395 --> 01:31:25,731
Cinnamon toast for two,
strange blonde in the shower.
1470
01:31:25,815 --> 01:31:27,733
You go explain that to someone.
1471
01:31:27,817 --> 01:31:30,987
Go tell ’em you spent the whole night
wrapping a paddle.
1472
01:31:35,741 --> 01:31:39,078
Anybody walk in here—
Who’s gonna walk in here?
1473
01:31:39,161 --> 01:31:42,707
J. Edgar Hoover?
Arthur Godfrey and his friends?
1474
01:31:42,790 --> 01:31:45,292
Helen maybe?
[ Laughing ]
1475
01:31:48,671 --> 01:31:52,341
Helen. She’s in Maine.
1476
01:31:52,425 --> 01:31:54,468
How could she get here?
1477
01:31:56,637 --> 01:31:58,723
On the train. That’s how.
1478
01:31:58,806 --> 01:32:01,100
On the early-morning train.
1479
01:32:02,184 --> 01:32:04,687
Now, why would she be
coming to New York?
1480
01:32:04,770 --> 01:32:07,023
Why? Because she knows something.
1481
01:32:07,106 --> 01:32:09,483
Because someone tipped her off.
1482
01:32:09,567 --> 01:32:12,945
Now, who could’ve tipped her off?
Kruhulik— that’s who!
1483
01:32:13,029 --> 01:32:15,573
He saw the girl here last night,
called Helen long distance—
1484
01:32:15,656 --> 01:32:18,743
reversed the charges, of course—
and told her everything.
1485
01:32:18,826 --> 01:32:22,204
She’s on the train. I know it.
1486
01:32:22,288 --> 01:32:24,373
Early-morning train’s in already.
1487
01:32:24,457 --> 01:32:27,668
She’s in a cab.
She’s on her way here in a cab.
1488
01:32:27,752 --> 01:32:29,920
She’ll be here any second!
1489
01:32:30,004 --> 01:32:32,214
[ Moans ]
1490
01:32:32,298 --> 01:32:34,467
[Gunshots]
1491
01:32:37,928 --> 01:32:41,557
There’s a woman in this apartment.
I just know there is.
1492
01:32:41,640 --> 01:32:43,559
No, no, Helen.
It’s not true.
1493
01:32:43,642 --> 01:32:46,479
Don’t lie to me, Richard.
Don’t lie to me.
1494
01:32:46,562 --> 01:32:49,023
Who told you?
How did you know?
1495
01:32:49,148 --> 01:32:51,734
- Was it Kruhulik?
- That’s right.
1496
01:32:51,817 --> 01:32:53,819
I’ve had him watching you
for months.
1497
01:32:53,944 --> 01:32:57,281
- Kruhulik. [ Scoffs ]
- His name is not Kruhulik.
1498
01:32:57,364 --> 01:33:00,868
He happens to be a private eye
named Johnny Dollar.
1499
01:33:00,993 --> 01:33:04,330
- What are you going to do?
- I’m going to shoot you dead.
1500
01:33:04,413 --> 01:33:08,501
Helen, I can explain everything—
the cinnamon toast, the shower, everything.
1501
01:33:08,626 --> 01:33:10,628
- You see, this girl’s from Denver.
- Save your breath.
1502
01:33:10,711 --> 01:33:12,630
The Kaufmans
have no air-conditioning.
1503
01:33:12,713 --> 01:33:15,800
Spent a fortune on African sculpture,
but they didn’t put in air-conditioning.
1504
01:33:15,883 --> 01:33:18,205
Not only that,
but the drugstore wouldn’t take back
1505
01:33:18,230 --> 01:33:20,328
the little fan because
she lost the sales slip.
1506
01:33:20,387 --> 01:33:23,224
So I let her sleep in our bed
because it’s too hot up there.
1507
01:33:23,307 --> 01:33:25,851
[ Sobbing ] Honest, Helen!
I was just wrapping the paddle!
1508
01:33:26,936 --> 01:33:29,480
Richard, at least have the decency...
1509
01:33:29,563 --> 01:33:33,234
to keep the paddle of an innocent child
out of this sordid mess.
1510
01:33:33,317 --> 01:33:36,112
[ Sobs ]
Helen, you’re mad.
1511
01:33:36,195 --> 01:33:38,197
You’ll never get away with this.
1512
01:33:38,280 --> 01:33:42,118
Oh, yes, I will. There’s such a thing
as the unwritten law.
1513
01:33:42,201 --> 01:33:44,203
Good-bye, Richard.
1514
01:33:45,204 --> 01:33:47,289
[Gunshots]
[ Groans ]
1515
01:33:47,373 --> 01:33:50,167
[ Whimpering ]
They’ll give you the chair.
1516
01:33:50,251 --> 01:33:52,294
They’ll give me a medal!
1517
01:33:52,378 --> 01:33:54,505
The wives of America
will give me a medal.
1518
01:33:54,588 --> 01:33:57,299
[Gunshots]
1519
01:33:59,051 --> 01:34:01,554
[ Tumbling Down Stairs]
1520
01:34:04,765 --> 01:34:08,144
[ Groans, Sobs ]
1521
01:34:08,227 --> 01:34:12,481
Helen, I’m going fast.
Give me a cigarette.
1522
01:34:12,565 --> 01:34:14,483
A cigarette?
1523
01:34:14,567 --> 01:34:17,820
You know what Dr. Murphy
told you about smoking.
1524
01:34:22,074 --> 01:34:23,993
A cigarette.
1525
01:34:26,620 --> 01:34:29,248
Just one more cigarette, Dr. Murphy.
1526
01:34:30,291 --> 01:34:34,587
One more for the road—
for the long, long road.
1527
01:34:37,173 --> 01:34:41,135
Hi! What are you doing?
1528
01:34:41,218 --> 01:34:44,096
A cigarette.
I need a cigarette.
1529
01:34:44,180 --> 01:34:46,348
They’re right there on the table.
1530
01:34:46,473 --> 01:34:49,560
- [ Groans ]
- What’s the matter with you?
1531
01:34:49,643 --> 01:34:52,229
Shot! I’m all shot!
1532
01:34:52,313 --> 01:34:56,025
Oh, it’s because I took your bed
and you had to sleep on the couch.
1533
01:34:56,108 --> 01:34:59,570
I knew I should’ve taken the couch.
I just feel terrible.
1534
01:34:59,653 --> 01:35:02,198
It’s not the couch.
It’s my wife.
1535
01:35:02,281 --> 01:35:04,408
She found out about us,
and she shot me.
1536
01:35:04,491 --> 01:35:06,410
She what?
1537
01:35:06,493 --> 01:35:09,205
Five times in the back
and twice in the belly.
1538
01:35:10,289 --> 01:35:12,458
You’re just having a bad dream.
1539
01:35:14,001 --> 01:35:16,587
Yeah. I guess so.
1540
01:35:18,172 --> 01:35:21,383
Come on now.
Everything’s fine.
1541
01:35:21,467 --> 01:35:23,385
It’s just my imagination.
1542
01:35:23,469 --> 01:35:26,805
Some people have flat feet.
Some people have dandruff.
1543
01:35:26,889 --> 01:35:28,807
I have this appalling imagination.
1544
01:35:28,891 --> 01:35:32,186
I think it’s just elegant
to have an imagination.
1545
01:35:32,269 --> 01:35:34,605
I just have no imagination at all.
1546
01:35:34,688 --> 01:35:37,483
I have lots of other things,
but I have no imagination.
1547
01:35:37,650 --> 01:35:40,236
I was just standing there
in the kitchen, fixing breakfast.
1548
01:35:40,319 --> 01:35:42,863
Then suddenly it occurred to me,
that if my wife came walking in,
1549
01:35:42,947 --> 01:35:44,949
with you in the shower
and me making cinnamon toast,
1550
01:35:45,032 --> 01:35:46,951
she’d probably shoot me.
1551
01:35:47,034 --> 01:35:49,078
Of course she would.
1552
01:35:49,161 --> 01:35:52,581
I know if I was married and I came in on my
husband making cinnamon toast...
1553
01:35:52,665 --> 01:35:54,541
with some blonde in the shower,
1554
01:35:54,667 --> 01:35:56,710
- I’d shoot him.
- You would?
1555
01:35:56,835 --> 01:35:58,754
- Bang! Bang! Bang!
- [ Groaning ]
1556
01:35:58,837 --> 01:36:00,839
Right in the head.
1557
01:36:00,923 --> 01:36:03,968
[ Laughs ]
Come on now. Relax.
1558
01:36:04,093 --> 01:36:08,097
- You’re just making this all up.
- That’s right.
1559
01:36:08,180 --> 01:36:10,599
You know, actually, I don’t suppose
that if she had come in,
1560
01:36:10,683 --> 01:36:12,601
that she’d go as far as to shoot me.
1561
01:36:12,685 --> 01:36:15,938
Oh, she’d be mad and cry and maybe
throw an ashtray or something—
1562
01:36:16,021 --> 01:36:18,023
Just throw an ashtray?
1563
01:36:18,107 --> 01:36:20,067
You know, she probably
wouldn’t even do that.
1564
01:36:20,192 --> 01:36:23,946
If Helen came in here and found you in the
shower, you know what she’d probably think?
1565
01:36:24,029 --> 01:36:25,990
She’d probably think
you were the plumber.
1566
01:36:26,073 --> 01:36:28,325
A blonde plumber?
1567
01:36:28,409 --> 01:36:31,120
Absolutely.
She trusts me implicitly.
1568
01:36:31,203 --> 01:36:33,247
What’s the matter with her?
Doesn’t she love you?
1569
01:36:33,330 --> 01:36:36,709
Oh, she loves me.
You know, she worries about me.
1570
01:36:36,792 --> 01:36:40,879
I had an awful cigarette cough,
and she made me stop smoking. [ Coughs ]
1571
01:36:41,005 --> 01:36:44,008
- Oh, she loves me, all right.
- Isn’t she jealous?
1572
01:36:44,091 --> 01:36:47,303
Not really. Why should Helen
be jealous of me?
1573
01:36:47,386 --> 01:36:50,389
How can anybody be jealous
of somebody with a briefcase,
1574
01:36:50,472 --> 01:36:53,350
who’s getting a little pot,
who gets so sleepy by 9:30...
1575
01:36:53,434 --> 01:36:55,519
he can’t keep his eyes open?
1576
01:36:55,602 --> 01:36:59,023
She trusts me. It would never even
occur to her that I—
1577
01:36:59,106 --> 01:37:01,692
Like last Christmas.
I came home from the office party.
1578
01:37:01,775 --> 01:37:04,653
I had lipstick on my collar.
You know what Helen said?
1579
01:37:04,737 --> 01:37:08,240
She said, “Darling, what’s that
on your collar— cranberry sauce?’’
1580
01:37:08,365 --> 01:37:11,368
- [Chuckles]
- That’s bad.
1581
01:37:11,452 --> 01:37:14,788
You know who kissed me?
Old Mrs. Brady.
1582
01:37:14,872 --> 01:37:17,583
Let’s face it. No pretty girl
in her right mind wants me.
1583
01:37:17,708 --> 01:37:20,210
- She wants Gregory Peck.
- Is that so?
1584
01:37:20,336 --> 01:37:23,088
- Well, isn’t it?
- How do you know what a pretty girl wants?
1585
01:37:23,172 --> 01:37:25,883
I don’t really know,
but I imagine a pretty girl—
1586
01:37:25,966 --> 01:37:29,595
You and your imagination.
You think every girl’s a dope.
1587
01:37:29,678 --> 01:37:32,181
You think a girl goes to a party,
and there’s some guy—
1588
01:37:32,264 --> 01:37:35,684
a great big lunk
in a fancy striped vest—
1589
01:37:35,768 --> 01:37:37,978
strutting around like a tiger,
1590
01:37:38,062 --> 01:37:42,691
giving you that “I’m so handsome
you can’t resist me’’ look.
1591
01:37:42,775 --> 01:37:46,362
And from this, she’s supposed
to fall flat on her face.
1592
01:37:46,445 --> 01:37:49,281
Well, she doesn’t fall on her face.
1593
01:37:50,616 --> 01:37:55,037
But there’s another guy in the room,
way over in the corner.
1594
01:37:55,120 --> 01:37:59,083
Maybe he’s kind of nervous and shy
and perspiring a little.
1595
01:37:59,166 --> 01:38:01,251
First, you look past him,
1596
01:38:01,335 --> 01:38:06,215
but then you sort of sense
he’s gentle and kind and worried...
1597
01:38:06,298 --> 01:38:10,636
and he’ll be tender with you,
nice and sweet.
1598
01:38:11,637 --> 01:38:14,139
That’s what’s really exciting.
1599
01:38:17,810 --> 01:38:21,313
If I were your wife,
I’d be very jealous of you.
1600
01:38:22,523 --> 01:38:25,192
I’d be very, very jealous.
1601
01:38:31,740 --> 01:38:33,867
I think you’re just elegant.
1602
01:38:36,495 --> 01:38:39,373
Thank you.
[Doorbell Buzzes]
1603
01:38:39,498 --> 01:38:42,418
- Aren’t you going to answer?
- Answer what?
1604
01:38:42,543 --> 01:38:45,379
The doorbell.
[Buzzes]
1605
01:38:45,462 --> 01:38:48,298
Go ahead.
I’ll put the cinnamon on the toast.
1606
01:38:50,926 --> 01:38:53,011
[Buzzing Continues]
1607
01:38:59,059 --> 01:39:02,104
[Door Lock Buzzes]
1608
01:39:02,187 --> 01:39:04,731
Tom MacKenzie?
1609
01:39:04,815 --> 01:39:06,984
Morning, Dickie boy!
Morning, morning, morning!
1610
01:39:07,067 --> 01:39:09,278
What are you doing here?
And don’t call me Dickie boy.
1611
01:39:09,361 --> 01:39:11,905
I just drove in from the country.
Got a date with my agent.
1612
01:39:12,030 --> 01:39:14,450
- [ Sniffs ] Is that coffee I smell?
- No.
1613
01:39:14,533 --> 01:39:16,743
I’m glad I caught you
before you went to the office.
1614
01:39:16,827 --> 01:39:19,997
I’ve got some important family
business to discuss with you.
1615
01:39:20,122 --> 01:39:22,207
- Are you sure that’s not coffee?
- I am positive.
1616
01:39:22,332 --> 01:39:25,169
- What family business? My family?
- Sure, your family.
1617
01:39:25,252 --> 01:39:28,046
I was driving down, so Helen asked me
to stop by and ask you—
1618
01:39:28,130 --> 01:39:30,340
Oh, Helen. Oh, she did, huh?
1619
01:39:30,424 --> 01:39:34,803
Well, I’m glad she did,
because I want to talk to you.
1620
01:39:34,887 --> 01:39:38,015
What’s the matter, Dickie boy?
You’re acting mighty peculiar.
1621
01:39:38,098 --> 01:39:42,936
You think you’re pretty fancy,
with the blinkers on the horses.
1622
01:39:43,020 --> 01:39:45,689
What are you talking about?
What blinkers? What horses?
1623
01:39:45,772 --> 01:39:49,109
And no driver and no other people.
1624
01:39:49,234 --> 01:39:52,488
- Are you drunk or something?
- No, I’m not drunk.
1625
01:39:52,571 --> 01:39:55,574
You took Helen on a hayride
last night, didn’t you?
1626
01:39:55,657 --> 01:39:58,519
No. As a matter of fact, I didn’t.
She went with the other people—
1627
01:39:58,519 --> 01:40:00,646
about 64 of them.
And there were no horses.
1628
01:40:00,646 --> 01:40:02,664
- It was more like a bus.
- That’s your story.
1629
01:40:02,748 --> 01:40:05,083
I was afraid to go
because I have this terrible hay fever.
1630
01:40:05,209 --> 01:40:06,012
Oh, yeah?
1631
01:40:06,037 --> 01:40:08,444
Yeah. It’s sort of a sinus thing really.
Had it ever since the army.
1632
01:40:08,504 --> 01:40:11,996
This doctor, a second lieutenant,
took a big wad of cotton,
1633
01:40:12,021 --> 01:40:13,533
and he went in and down—
1634
01:40:13,592 --> 01:40:15,552
In and down, uh-huh.
1635
01:40:15,636 --> 01:40:18,013
Inwardly, downwardly,
pulsating, striving,
1636
01:40:18,096 --> 01:40:20,015
now, together,
ending and unending.
1637
01:40:20,098 --> 01:40:23,727
Now, now, now!
I know all about it.
1638
01:40:23,852 --> 01:40:25,771
- You are drunk.
- You get out of here!
1639
01:40:25,854 --> 01:40:28,190
And you tell Helen,
if she sent you to get a divorce—
1640
01:40:28,315 --> 01:40:31,443
- A divorce?
- I absolutely refuse!
1641
01:40:31,527 --> 01:40:34,446
Helen didn’t send me for a divorce.
She sent me for Ricky’s paddle.
1642
01:40:34,530 --> 01:40:36,448
I’ll fight it in every court
in the country!
1643
01:40:36,532 --> 01:40:39,343
Because I can explain everything—
the stairs, the cinnamon toast,
1644
01:40:39,368 --> 01:40:40,560
the blonde in the kitchen.
1645
01:40:40,619 --> 01:40:42,621
Wait a minute, Dickie boy.
Let’s just take it easy.
1646
01:40:42,746 --> 01:40:45,874
- What blonde in the kitchen?
- Wouldn’t you like to know?
1647
01:40:45,958 --> 01:40:47,960
Maybe it’s Marilyn Monroe!
1648
01:40:49,002 --> 01:40:52,589
Drunk. Blind, stinking drunk
at 8:30 in the morning!
1649
01:40:52,673 --> 01:40:55,133
I’ll get six lawyers!
I’ll bribe judges!
1650
01:40:55,217 --> 01:40:57,344
I’ll do anything,
but no divorce!
1651
01:40:57,427 --> 01:41:01,431
Listen to me. Listen.
Helen does not want a divorce!
1652
01:41:01,515 --> 01:41:05,561
All she wants is Ricky’s paddle!
1653
01:41:05,644 --> 01:41:07,563
Ricky’s paddle?
1654
01:41:07,646 --> 01:41:10,399
All the other kids are out on the lake,
paddling around in their kayaks,
1655
01:41:10,482 --> 01:41:13,235
but poor Ricky has to stay on the dock
because he’s got a kayak,
1656
01:41:13,318 --> 01:41:15,487
but you wouldn’t
send him his paddle!
1657
01:41:15,571 --> 01:41:17,573
Oh, so she wants you
to bring his paddle back!
1658
01:41:17,656 --> 01:41:20,617
Well, get this. If anybody’s gonna
take Ricky’s paddle back,
1659
01:41:20,701 --> 01:41:22,619
I’m gonna take his paddle back.
1660
01:41:22,703 --> 01:41:25,747
And what’s more, I’ve got a good mind
to punch you right in the nose.
1661
01:41:25,872 --> 01:41:29,293
- Why?
- Why? Because you’re a big lunk. That’s why.
1662
01:41:29,376 --> 01:41:31,378
Strutting around
in your fancy vest...
1663
01:41:31,461 --> 01:41:34,256
with that “I’m so handsome
you can’t resist me’’ look!
1664
01:41:34,339 --> 01:41:36,258
Well, let me tell you something.
1665
01:41:36,383 --> 01:41:38,719
- Helen loves me.
- Sure, she loves you!
1666
01:41:38,802 --> 01:41:40,721
And you know why
she loves me?
1667
01:41:40,804 --> 01:41:43,015
She loves me because
I’m sweet and gentle...
1668
01:41:43,098 --> 01:41:46,101
and worried and nervous
and shy and tender!
1669
01:41:48,562 --> 01:41:51,064
♪♪ [ Phonograph: Classical ]
1670
01:41:56,069 --> 01:41:57,738
♪♪ [ Stops ]
Breakfast is ready.
1671
01:42:00,115 --> 01:42:00,918
Anybody you know?
1672
01:42:00,943 --> 01:42:03,351
Oh, meet Tom MacKenzie,
a very good friend of mine.
1673
01:42:03,452 --> 01:42:04,577
How do you do, Tom MacKenzie?
1674
01:42:04,602 --> 01:42:06,812
He came for Ricky’s paddle.
Ricky needs his paddle.
1675
01:42:06,872 --> 01:42:08,957
I’m taking his paddle back to him.
1676
01:42:09,041 --> 01:42:11,710
Would this be a good time
to pick up the ru—
1677
01:42:11,835 --> 01:42:15,672
- Oh, I wish I was dead.
- Wait a minute, Kruhulik. Come back here.
1678
01:42:15,756 --> 01:42:17,674
If you wanna pick up something,
pick up this.
1679
01:42:17,758 --> 01:42:20,636
This? Okay, Mr. Sherman.
1680
01:42:20,719 --> 01:42:22,596
[ Grunts ] What do you
want me to do with him?
1681
01:42:22,721 --> 01:42:25,515
I don’t care what you do with him.
Put him in mothballs. Do anything you like.
1682
01:42:25,599 --> 01:42:27,517
Just get him out of here.
1683
01:42:27,601 --> 01:42:31,313
Boy, I’m telling you—
Lug the big, fat poodle,
1684
01:42:31,396 --> 01:42:34,483
lug the tomato plant,
now lug this.
1685
01:42:34,566 --> 01:42:38,362
I’ll almost be glad when everybody’s wife
gets home and things settle down.
1686
01:42:40,614 --> 01:42:44,368
The 8:47! I can still make the 8:47.
1687
01:42:44,451 --> 01:42:46,953
I don’t think I can stay for breakfast.
I’m sorry.
1688
01:42:47,037 --> 01:42:49,164
Don’t ever be sorry.
1689
01:42:49,247 --> 01:42:52,209
Look, do me one favor.
Call Brady & Company. It’s in the book.
1690
01:42:52,292 --> 01:42:55,545
And tell Mr. Brady I’m taking two weeks off
whether he likes it or not.
1691
01:42:55,629 --> 01:42:57,673
Tell him I’m going off
on a hootenanny.
1692
01:42:59,424 --> 01:43:01,927
And why don’t you stay right here?
It’s all yours.
1693
01:43:02,010 --> 01:43:04,805
You’ve got your own duplex,
big, tall martinis, air-conditioning.
1694
01:43:04,930 --> 01:43:08,058
- Anything you want.
- Thank you.
1695
01:43:08,141 --> 01:43:11,269
Well, I guess that’s all.
1696
01:43:11,395 --> 01:43:13,689
- Just one more thing.
- What?
1697
01:43:13,772 --> 01:43:15,857
I have a message for your wife.
1698
01:43:24,950 --> 01:43:26,868
Don’t wipe it off.
1699
01:43:26,952 --> 01:43:31,790
If she thinks it’s cranberry sauce,
tell her she’s got cherry pits in her head.
1700
01:43:34,876 --> 01:43:36,795
Wait!
1701
01:43:42,968 --> 01:43:45,011
Hey!
1702
01:43:54,354 --> 01:43:56,398
[ Neck Cracks ]
1703
01:43:56,481 --> 01:43:58,817
[ Cracking ]
1704
01:43:58,900 --> 01:44:00,819
[ Cracking Stops ]
141607
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