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1
00:00:17,669 --> 00:00:18,669
Hello?
2
00:00:20,140 --> 00:00:21,640
Erwin?
3
00:00:24,550 --> 00:00:25,520
Oh, God.
4
00:00:25,585 --> 00:00:27,145
Uh, I can see you.
5
00:00:27,221 --> 00:00:28,561
Get out of there.
6
00:00:28,624 --> 00:00:30,294
Hey, I'm running late
for after-school pickup,
7
00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:33,400
so let's hurry this up.
- Bring me to the Antichrist.
8
00:00:33,466 --> 00:00:35,636
Honey, I gotta bring myself
to the Antichrist, all right?
9
00:00:35,705 --> 00:00:36,565
So what's your thing?
10
00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:38,340
You need her blood
for eternal life?
11
00:00:38,410 --> 00:00:39,610
Gonna use her as a vessel
12
00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:41,380
to rule your shitty realm, what?
13
00:00:41,449 --> 00:00:44,859
Burn her skin and eat
her bones for ultimate power!
14
00:00:44,923 --> 00:00:46,063
- Okay, sure.
15
00:00:48,631 --> 00:00:52,001
You shall die by my hands,
puny mortal!
16
00:00:52,071 --> 00:00:54,111
Antichrist body will be mine!
17
00:01:04,529 --> 00:01:05,999
Fuck!
18
00:01:06,065 --> 00:01:08,265
I forgot about this coupon. Ugh.
19
00:01:16,553 --> 00:01:18,523
Chrissy.
God damn it, Laura.
20
00:01:18,591 --> 00:01:20,661
Oh, mother, you are alive.
Hey.
21
00:01:20,728 --> 00:01:21,928
Wow.
- Hey, I was about
22
00:01:21,997 --> 00:01:23,227
to come get you.
23
00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:24,940
Finally got groceries.
You hungry?
24
00:01:25,003 --> 00:01:26,713
No, I ate with Amanda.
She made a salad
25
00:01:26,774 --> 00:01:28,414
with something called
an heirloom tomato.
26
00:01:28,476 --> 00:01:30,306
Who the hell is Amanda?
27
00:01:30,380 --> 00:01:31,850
She's a cool mom
who drove me home
28
00:01:31,917 --> 00:01:34,517
because my actual mom
was nowhere to be found again.
29
00:01:34,589 --> 00:01:36,389
Isn't Amanda a fucking peach?
She is.
30
00:01:36,459 --> 00:01:37,699
She knows the nutrients
you're missing
31
00:01:37,762 --> 00:01:39,202
based on the color
of your aura.
32
00:01:39,265 --> 00:01:40,495
She's, like, literally a witch.
33
00:01:40,568 --> 00:01:42,068
No, I'm literally a witch.
34
00:01:42,137 --> 00:01:43,607
Anyway, I'm in a rush.
35
00:01:43,674 --> 00:01:45,214
- For what?
- Back to School Night.
36
00:01:45,277 --> 00:01:46,607
That's for parents, right?
37
00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:48,420
Why didn't you remind me?
- Oh, is that my job,
38
00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:49,693
to remind you of things
39
00:01:49,753 --> 00:01:51,963
any moderately-invested parent
would know?
40
00:01:52,024 --> 00:01:53,334
You want me to do
your taxes too?
41
00:01:53,393 --> 00:01:54,863
Apply for a loan?
- Okay. Okay, Jesus.
42
00:01:54,930 --> 00:01:56,000
Anyway, you hate that stuff,
43
00:01:56,065 --> 00:01:57,695
parents ogling over
their kids' art projects.
44
00:01:57,769 --> 00:01:59,369
Yeah, I'd rather jam a knife
up my asshole.
45
00:01:59,438 --> 00:02:00,608
You're off the hook then.
46
00:02:00,675 --> 00:02:02,845
Plus, Amanda said
she'd cover for you.
47
00:02:03,814 --> 00:02:06,294
She did, huh?
48
00:02:06,352 --> 00:02:07,792
You know what? I'm gonna come.
49
00:02:07,856 --> 00:02:09,226
'Cause you're threatened
by Amanda?
50
00:02:09,291 --> 00:02:10,701
No, because I'm your mother,
51
00:02:10,762 --> 00:02:12,362
and I should be there
to support you.
52
00:02:15,571 --> 00:02:16,541
Fine.
53
00:02:16,607 --> 00:02:18,107
Just promise
you won't make a scene.
54
00:02:18,176 --> 00:02:19,746
Uh, hello?
- And just be chill, okay?
55
00:02:19,813 --> 00:02:21,123
I'm chill, baby.
56
00:02:21,182 --> 00:02:23,152
Chill, chill, chill, chill,
chill, chilly-chill, chill.
57
00:02:23,219 --> 00:02:24,759
You have ground beef
in your hair.
58
00:02:30,868 --> 00:02:33,308
Hiya, miss.
I'm Gossy the Gopher.
59
00:02:33,373 --> 00:02:34,883
Welcome to Back to School--
60
00:02:34,943 --> 00:02:36,353
- If you ever touch me again,
61
00:02:36,412 --> 00:02:38,152
I turn you
into a true crime doc series,
62
00:02:38,216 --> 00:02:39,516
understand?
- Mom!
63
00:02:39,586 --> 00:02:41,356
Okay, quite a grip.
64
00:02:41,422 --> 00:02:43,332
I'm gonna age ten years
tonight because of you.
65
00:02:43,393 --> 00:02:44,563
I can feel it in my bones.
- Honey, look,
66
00:02:44,629 --> 00:02:46,799
that lady's feeding her child
like a baby bird.
67
00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:49,407
That's Amanda,
and it's called nature bonding.
68
00:02:49,472 --> 00:02:51,412
If you watched anything
other than Top Deer Hunter,
69
00:02:51,476 --> 00:02:53,276
maybe you'd have heard of it.
Well, I can't wait
70
00:02:53,346 --> 00:02:55,076
to meet this headband
with a smile.
71
00:02:55,150 --> 00:02:56,690
Hey there, Chrissy babe.
72
00:02:56,754 --> 00:02:59,464
You must be Laura.
- Oh, my God, I am. Hi.
73
00:02:59,526 --> 00:03:01,596
And you must be Amanda.
Uh, yes.
74
00:03:01,663 --> 00:03:03,833
Chrissy babe won't
stop talking about you.
75
00:03:03,901 --> 00:03:05,711
It's like she has a defect.
76
00:03:08,677 --> 00:03:10,307
She is the best.
Yeah.
77
00:03:10,380 --> 00:03:11,750
All of her teachers
think so too.
78
00:03:11,817 --> 00:03:15,117
Oh, you're-you're discussing
my daughter with her teachers.
79
00:03:15,190 --> 00:03:16,530
How thoughtful of you.
80
00:03:16,593 --> 00:03:18,503
As a PTA president,
I make sure to communicate
81
00:03:18,564 --> 00:03:20,474
with the teachers and children.
82
00:03:20,535 --> 00:03:22,135
I--wh-what can I say?
I love helping.
83
00:03:22,204 --> 00:03:24,344
Oh, I'm glad you have all
the time in the world to help,
84
00:03:24,408 --> 00:03:25,748
what with me having
to work full-time.
85
00:03:25,812 --> 00:03:27,822
Oh, hon, we all work.
86
00:03:27,882 --> 00:03:29,722
But as mothers,
our real job is taking care
87
00:03:29,786 --> 00:03:31,586
of our kids, right?
88
00:03:31,657 --> 00:03:33,527
You should come
to a PTA meeting sometime.
89
00:03:33,594 --> 00:03:35,904
We've sent you multiple
messages about joining.
90
00:03:35,965 --> 00:03:37,795
I'll be there with bells on
when I'm done
91
00:03:37,869 --> 00:03:39,769
protecting my daughter
from the dark forces
92
00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:41,340
that threaten her
and all of human existence.
93
00:03:41,409 --> 00:03:42,549
Girl, it's so great
94
00:03:42,612 --> 00:03:44,252
that you feel like
you're doing a good job,
95
00:03:44,315 --> 00:03:45,475
but Chrissy here,
96
00:03:45,551 --> 00:03:47,391
and I do feel like
I have to speak for her,
97
00:03:47,454 --> 00:03:48,924
she wants some normalcy.
MOM 1: Okay?
98
00:03:48,991 --> 00:03:50,731
MOM 2: I say that all the time.
- Mom, don't.
99
00:03:50,795 --> 00:03:52,355
Look at the painting
she made.
100
00:03:52,431 --> 00:03:54,171
It's clearly a cry for help.
101
00:03:56,472 --> 00:03:58,112
Have you considered
getting Chrissy therapy?
102
00:03:58,176 --> 00:03:59,376
Oh, fuck you!
103
00:03:59,445 --> 00:04:00,845
Fuck all of you.
I'm not listening
104
00:04:00,915 --> 00:04:03,415
to a bunch of participation
trophy moms telling me
105
00:04:03,486 --> 00:04:05,556
that my kid needs therapy
because she can't paint!
106
00:04:05,625 --> 00:04:08,155
News flash:
they all suck at it!
107
00:04:08,229 --> 00:04:09,929
None of this matters.
108
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,340
Ma'am, let's chill
109
00:04:11,402 --> 00:04:12,572
in front of the students--
110
00:04:12,639 --> 00:04:14,309
MOM 3: Oh, God.
MOM 4: No, not Gossy.
111
00:04:14,375 --> 00:04:16,245
- You're unstable.
- I don't give a shit
112
00:04:16,312 --> 00:04:17,922
what you
and these other moms think.
113
00:04:17,982 --> 00:04:19,052
Suck on my clit!
114
00:04:19,118 --> 00:04:20,818
MOM 5: Language.
115
00:04:22,926 --> 00:04:24,396
Reverse ribbed condoms
116
00:04:24,462 --> 00:04:25,732
for his pleasure.
117
00:04:25,798 --> 00:04:27,698
Cologne that smells
like a wet dog.
118
00:04:28,938 --> 00:04:30,208
A cadaver so juiced
119
00:04:30,273 --> 00:04:32,243
it'd make Joe Rogan
cream his pants.
120
00:04:33,948 --> 00:04:36,918
And I'm ready for another one
of Baka's bachelor parties
121
00:04:36,987 --> 00:04:39,627
where we murder dumb humans
just for kicks.
122
00:04:40,728 --> 00:04:41,798
Don't give me that look.
123
00:04:41,864 --> 00:04:44,104
Every week it's Dad this,
Dad that.
124
00:04:44,168 --> 00:04:45,238
What about the boys?
125
00:04:45,303 --> 00:04:46,713
Baka's badass.
126
00:04:46,773 --> 00:04:48,543
This is his tenth marriage,
you know.
127
00:04:51,249 --> 00:04:53,219
These guys are
my actual friends
128
00:04:53,286 --> 00:04:54,756
who I haven't seen
in centuries,
129
00:04:54,823 --> 00:04:56,993
so don't embarrass me
with your weird snake shit.
130
00:04:58,697 --> 00:05:00,067
- Bro!
- Baka!
131
00:05:01,302 --> 00:05:03,312
Oh, yeah.
132
00:05:03,373 --> 00:05:04,813
Looking sharp, baby.
133
00:05:04,876 --> 00:05:05,806
Oh, man, I missed you.
134
00:05:05,878 --> 00:05:07,818
Yo, Mabel,
had some work done, huh?
135
00:05:07,882 --> 00:05:09,322
Peeled off
a supermodel's face.
136
00:05:09,385 --> 00:05:10,515
Now it's my mask.
137
00:05:10,588 --> 00:05:13,128
And Bogey, you're still--
138
00:05:13,193 --> 00:05:15,573
Unmedicated
and ready to mingle.
139
00:05:15,631 --> 00:05:17,201
Where'd you get
that human skin suit,
140
00:05:17,267 --> 00:05:18,967
the Micro-Penis
Men's Warehouse?
141
00:05:19,038 --> 00:05:21,078
Yeah.
I used your employee discount.
142
00:05:22,612 --> 00:05:24,452
Sitcom style banter.
♪ Micro-penis ♪
143
00:05:24,516 --> 00:05:26,316
And how about
this son of a bitch?
144
00:05:26,385 --> 00:05:27,445
Tenth time's a charm,
am I right?
145
00:05:27,522 --> 00:05:28,762
Come on.
146
00:05:28,824 --> 00:05:30,604
You know I'm gonna eat her.
147
00:05:30,661 --> 00:05:31,531
Of course
you're gonna eat her.
148
00:05:31,597 --> 00:05:32,597
I'm gonna eat my wife.
149
00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:34,165
Munching.
150
00:05:34,235 --> 00:05:35,905
Whoo, whoo!
151
00:05:35,972 --> 00:05:37,412
You finally did it.
152
00:05:37,474 --> 00:05:38,884
You birthed the Antichrist,
153
00:05:38,944 --> 00:05:40,484
you old son of a bitch.
That's right.
154
00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:42,048
Straight shooter
right here, baby.
155
00:05:42,117 --> 00:05:43,417
Strong little spermies.
156
00:05:43,486 --> 00:05:45,156
Better not get soft
on us now.
157
00:05:45,223 --> 00:05:46,633
Hell no, you dumb asshole.
158
00:05:46,693 --> 00:05:48,203
Would a softy do this?
159
00:05:49,365 --> 00:05:50,735
I hit my own driver.
160
00:05:50,801 --> 00:05:52,271
That's pretty wacky, right?
161
00:05:52,337 --> 00:05:53,767
I'm unhinged.
162
00:05:53,841 --> 00:05:56,381
Good, because when
Maximus Dawnus begins,
163
00:05:56,445 --> 00:05:58,075
you boys know
what that means, right?
164
00:05:58,149 --> 00:05:59,819
- Doing badass shit forever.
- My mom's boyfriend will see
165
00:05:59,886 --> 00:06:02,056
that I'm really not a fuck-up!
- Yeah! Back on top, baby.
166
00:06:02,124 --> 00:06:04,264
Like I was
with your moms last night.
167
00:06:04,328 --> 00:06:07,268
- You dirty dog.
168
00:06:07,334 --> 00:06:09,514
Oh, my God. Apologize?
169
00:06:09,573 --> 00:06:11,613
She accused me
of being a bad parent.
170
00:06:11,677 --> 00:06:13,107
You ever think
she might be right?
171
00:06:13,179 --> 00:06:15,619
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- You forget to pick me up.
172
00:06:15,685 --> 00:06:17,085
First time you come
to a school event,
173
00:06:17,154 --> 00:06:18,194
you beat up our mascot.
174
00:06:18,256 --> 00:06:19,526
That asshole needs to learn
175
00:06:19,593 --> 00:06:20,663
how to respect
personal boundaries.
176
00:06:20,728 --> 00:06:22,158
You're incapable
of putting my needs
177
00:06:22,231 --> 00:06:23,571
ahead of your insane ego.
178
00:06:23,634 --> 00:06:25,674
You have no idea
how much I do for you.
179
00:06:25,738 --> 00:06:27,838
Amanda does much more
in her day for her kids
180
00:06:27,909 --> 00:06:30,079
than you've ever done for me.
- What?
181
00:06:30,146 --> 00:06:31,976
And you'll never be
a normal mom if you keep...
182
00:06:32,050 --> 00:06:33,490
- Flying off the handle
183
00:06:33,554 --> 00:06:35,364
at inappropriate times.
184
00:06:35,423 --> 00:06:36,733
I'm done. I'm out.
185
00:06:36,793 --> 00:06:38,503
Fine. Fine. Be out.
186
00:06:38,564 --> 00:06:41,174
I'm gonna--I'm gonna
stop being angry
187
00:06:41,235 --> 00:06:44,235
and prove to you I can be
a more normal mom than Amanda
188
00:06:44,308 --> 00:06:45,408
or any of those assholes.
189
00:06:45,477 --> 00:06:46,547
You're off to a great start.
190
00:06:46,613 --> 00:06:48,553
Normal mom throwing
a normal glass of whiskey
191
00:06:48,617 --> 00:06:49,917
at the normal wall
after being asked
192
00:06:49,986 --> 00:06:51,786
to leave school grounds.
- Yeah. Yeah, that's me.
193
00:06:51,857 --> 00:06:54,497
Mrs. Normal.
Normal, normal--
194
00:06:54,562 --> 00:06:55,932
These are anger leeches, Darlene.
195
00:06:55,998 --> 00:06:57,968
Instead of blood,
they suck out rage.
196
00:06:58,036 --> 00:06:59,806
I'm gonna beat those mothers
at their own game
197
00:06:59,873 --> 00:07:01,113
and make Chrissy happy
I'm her mom.
198
00:07:01,175 --> 00:07:03,345
I'm not sure
if out-momming is the thing
199
00:07:03,413 --> 00:07:04,683
to win over a teenager's heart.
200
00:07:04,749 --> 00:07:06,319
I always found
listening to be--
201
00:07:06,385 --> 00:07:07,585
All right, shut up.
Tell me a story.
202
00:07:07,655 --> 00:07:09,855
Really? Okay. Gosh.
Where do I start? Okay.
203
00:07:09,926 --> 00:07:11,696
I was talking
to my friend Darlene.
204
00:07:11,763 --> 00:07:13,303
Long story.
I was at a speed dating thing,
205
00:07:13,366 --> 00:07:15,566
and I was like, "Wait,
your name is Darlene too?"
206
00:07:15,638 --> 00:07:17,438
And she was like,
"Hell yeah, bitch!"
207
00:07:17,508 --> 00:07:19,138
So keep that in mind for later.
208
00:07:19,211 --> 00:07:20,921
- Get to the fucking point!
- Oh, yeah.
209
00:07:20,982 --> 00:07:23,922
My chiropractor,
Seong-Mi Darlene--
210
00:07:23,988 --> 00:07:25,828
in Korean, it's also Darlene.
211
00:07:25,891 --> 00:07:27,861
So there we were,
three Darlenes in a bar--
212
00:07:27,929 --> 00:07:30,169
That's the start of a joke.
213
00:07:30,233 --> 00:07:32,203
Wow. That shit really works.
214
00:07:37,247 --> 00:07:39,547
So anyways, I found out
my chiropractor was
215
00:07:39,619 --> 00:07:41,189
in the Magic Mike prequel,
216
00:07:41,255 --> 00:07:43,025
Magic Michelangelo.
217
00:07:45,665 --> 00:07:47,495
And so I told her,
it's called Lexapro
218
00:07:47,568 --> 00:07:48,998
not Lexa-rookie for a reason.
219
00:07:49,071 --> 00:07:50,711
Hey, everyone.
220
00:07:50,775 --> 00:07:52,605
What's, uh--what's going on?
221
00:07:52,679 --> 00:07:53,849
Oh, hi, sweetie.
222
00:07:53,914 --> 00:07:56,654
I asked Amanda
and the other moms over
223
00:07:56,720 --> 00:08:00,360
so I could... apologize.
224
00:08:00,427 --> 00:08:04,937
My behavior last night
was inexcusable.
225
00:08:05,003 --> 00:08:05,913
Uh-huh.
226
00:08:05,971 --> 00:08:07,371
Your mom told us
you vocalized
227
00:08:07,441 --> 00:08:08,781
your need for her to be better.
228
00:08:08,844 --> 00:08:11,654
It was your strength, Chrissy,
that's shown her she can.
229
00:08:11,717 --> 00:08:13,617
My strength?
She said that?
230
00:08:13,687 --> 00:08:16,257
I understand now
that you more than anyone
231
00:08:16,325 --> 00:08:19,055
have been affected the most
by my behavior.
232
00:08:19,131 --> 00:08:21,071
I trust you to make
your own choices,
233
00:08:21,135 --> 00:08:23,865
and I hope you will trust me
to support them.
234
00:08:23,941 --> 00:08:26,481
Uh, okay.
235
00:08:26,546 --> 00:08:27,976
Will you support my decision
to buy
236
00:08:28,049 --> 00:08:29,949
those Jessica Simpson
ankle boots?
237
00:08:34,662 --> 00:08:40,112
Here you are, Chrissy.
238
00:08:41,710 --> 00:08:44,980
And I'd love to volunteer
for the PTA,
239
00:08:45,050 --> 00:08:47,620
that is, if the offer's
still on the table.
240
00:08:47,688 --> 00:08:48,888
- Of course it is.
- Sure.
241
00:08:48,957 --> 00:08:50,927
Oh, I'm here
for this moment, ladies.
242
00:08:50,995 --> 00:08:52,595
I haven't seen
this much personal growth
243
00:08:52,665 --> 00:08:53,965
since Ruby went to rehab.
244
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,474
I used to eat couch cushions.
245
00:08:58,209 --> 00:08:59,309
Hmm.
246
00:08:59,378 --> 00:09:01,778
She's pouring rosé,
volunteering her time.
247
00:09:01,850 --> 00:09:03,490
Something weird's
going on here.
248
00:09:03,554 --> 00:09:05,124
Oh, for sure.
249
00:09:05,190 --> 00:09:07,090
But it's working out for me.
250
00:09:19,284 --> 00:09:20,654
Hello?
251
00:09:20,721 --> 00:09:22,891
Harold?
252
00:09:22,959 --> 00:09:24,359
Still polishing
our blood diamonds
253
00:09:24,428 --> 00:09:25,868
at this hour?
254
00:09:25,931 --> 00:09:27,131
Ah!
255
00:09:33,781 --> 00:09:36,621
Oh, it burns so good.
256
00:09:36,686 --> 00:09:38,516
Is this
an "eat the rich" thing?
257
00:09:38,590 --> 00:09:40,290
Are you AOC?
258
00:09:42,899 --> 00:09:44,229
- Hi.
259
00:09:49,846 --> 00:09:52,176
- Check this shit out.
260
00:09:52,250 --> 00:09:54,420
Oh, dear, wine and cheese.
261
00:09:54,488 --> 00:09:55,688
Tax havens.
262
00:09:55,758 --> 00:09:57,488
Okey dokey, artichokey.
263
00:09:57,562 --> 00:09:58,932
My turn, fuckers.
264
00:09:58,997 --> 00:10:00,797
Time to get inside
of some meat sacks.
265
00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:01,998
Oh, this is
what it's all about.
266
00:10:02,070 --> 00:10:04,040
- I'm tent-poling already.
267
00:10:04,108 --> 00:10:05,508
Hey, look at me.
268
00:10:05,578 --> 00:10:06,848
I'm bad grandma.
269
00:10:06,913 --> 00:10:08,583
I have loose hips.
270
00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:10,390
I'm ready to fill up this hole.
271
00:10:12,959 --> 00:10:14,529
Now let's shake things up.
272
00:10:30,895 --> 00:10:32,155
The fuck, dude?
273
00:10:34,669 --> 00:10:36,309
An incidental death
doesn't count.
274
00:10:36,372 --> 00:10:37,882
We all know that.
- Yeah, that's true, but--
275
00:10:37,942 --> 00:10:39,182
You guys keep going.
276
00:10:39,244 --> 00:10:41,454
I'm gonna go outside
and bury it, uh, a-alive.
277
00:10:44,756 --> 00:10:46,186
What the hell
are you looking at?
278
00:10:46,258 --> 00:10:49,158
You never seen a guy stuff
a live girl in a trunk before?
279
00:10:50,734 --> 00:10:51,874
I'm saving it for later.
280
00:10:51,937 --> 00:10:53,307
Are you gonna yap my ear off
all night?
281
00:10:57,849 --> 00:10:59,419
You say anything,
I'll turn you
282
00:10:59,484 --> 00:11:01,664
into a pair of snakeskin boots.
Yeesh.
283
00:11:01,723 --> 00:11:03,833
That was fucking awesome,
Bak!
284
00:11:03,894 --> 00:11:05,104
Yeah!
On to the next stop.
285
00:11:05,163 --> 00:11:06,373
Frat house!
Yeah!
286
00:11:06,432 --> 00:11:07,772
Whoo-hoo!
Murder. Torture.
287
00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:08,935
Let's binge-butcher
some Homo sapiens.
288
00:11:09,004 --> 00:11:10,244
Butts. Delicious.
Murder. Torture.
289
00:11:10,306 --> 00:11:11,836
Hey. Yeah, right.
290
00:11:11,910 --> 00:11:14,010
Let's do this, baby!
Tight frat butts!
291
00:11:17,087 --> 00:11:19,727
Oh, don't mind if I do.
292
00:11:30,046 --> 00:11:31,776
Huh?
293
00:11:31,850 --> 00:11:32,750
Chrissy!
294
00:11:32,818 --> 00:11:34,188
Ah, sorry, Erwin.
295
00:11:34,254 --> 00:11:35,524
I didn't know
you were doing, uh...
296
00:11:35,591 --> 00:11:36,591
whatever you were doing.
297
00:11:36,660 --> 00:11:38,560
Apologizes, Chrissy Feinberg.
298
00:11:38,630 --> 00:11:40,270
I was just having
my biannual bath
299
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:41,173
when the water went out.
300
00:11:41,235 --> 00:11:42,665
Yeah. I know.
Did my mom forget
301
00:11:42,738 --> 00:11:44,108
to pay the utility bill
or something?
302
00:11:45,310 --> 00:11:47,380
Your mother's been
off the grid for years.
303
00:11:47,447 --> 00:11:48,777
She runs things her own way.
304
00:11:48,850 --> 00:11:50,390
Ah. Okay.
305
00:11:50,453 --> 00:11:52,263
So how do I get
the water back on, then?
306
00:11:55,296 --> 00:11:57,266
To replenish the water supply,
307
00:11:57,334 --> 00:11:58,904
descend into the haunted well...
308
00:11:58,971 --> 00:12:00,471
Whoo!
Place rod in dirt,
309
00:12:00,541 --> 00:12:03,081
then ingest
wet, scaled vertebrate.
310
00:12:03,145 --> 00:12:04,975
Sorry, buddy.
Don't worry.
311
00:12:05,049 --> 00:12:06,619
Frat boys do it all the time.
312
00:12:06,686 --> 00:12:09,416
Terra Lacrimae!
313
00:12:11,061 --> 00:12:12,931
It worked! Yeah, motherfucker!
314
00:12:12,999 --> 00:12:15,269
Oh!
315
00:12:28,764 --> 00:12:31,674
Excuse me.
316
00:12:32,772 --> 00:12:34,912
Whoa. That was a lot.
317
00:12:34,976 --> 00:12:36,476
At least the water's back.
318
00:12:37,848 --> 00:12:39,618
Your mother's been
distracted as of late,
319
00:12:39,686 --> 00:12:41,716
so you might have to take care
of her other chores.
320
00:12:41,790 --> 00:12:43,290
Oh. Was this in your ass?
321
00:12:43,359 --> 00:12:45,799
That list is more or less
the recurring responsibilities
322
00:12:45,864 --> 00:12:47,474
with which
I've seen her preoccupied.
323
00:12:47,535 --> 00:12:49,935
And why are you tracking
my mom like that?
324
00:12:50,006 --> 00:12:52,336
For when I escape.
325
00:12:56,586 --> 00:12:59,116
Ooh, sprinklers!
326
00:12:59,191 --> 00:13:02,031
Well, if she can do this
day in and day out, so can I.
327
00:13:02,097 --> 00:13:05,137
I'm being watered!
328
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:08,210
Oh, Amanda, you have chosen
329
00:13:08,275 --> 00:13:10,545
the exact perfect grouping
of vegetables.
330
00:13:10,614 --> 00:13:12,794
- I know.
- Holy dick! Look!
331
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:16,260
Laura, this is beyond.
332
00:13:16,325 --> 00:13:17,895
When did you ever
find the time?
333
00:13:17,962 --> 00:13:19,132
We're moms.
334
00:13:19,197 --> 00:13:21,797
When do we find time
for anything?
335
00:13:21,870 --> 00:13:22,740
Am I right?
336
00:13:22,805 --> 00:13:24,335
Yas, queen. Yas.
337
00:13:24,408 --> 00:13:25,838
I don't keep clocks
in my house.
338
00:13:25,911 --> 00:13:28,051
Come on,
us moms are passing out condoms
339
00:13:28,115 --> 00:13:30,045
at the make-out point,
or as the kids call it,
340
00:13:30,119 --> 00:13:31,389
Penelope Michael's house.
341
00:13:31,455 --> 00:13:32,955
Okay.
I'll be right behind you.
342
00:13:33,025 --> 00:13:34,555
Just gotta clean up.
343
00:13:34,629 --> 00:13:36,499
What is retrograde?
344
00:13:40,541 --> 00:13:42,481
Trimming the garden
is essential.
345
00:13:42,545 --> 00:13:44,445
You dick.
346
00:13:44,515 --> 00:13:46,385
Use hedge shears
to trim plants.
347
00:13:47,755 --> 00:13:49,925
Also use hedge shears
to stay alive.
348
00:13:52,631 --> 00:13:54,001
Once you've gripped the Raiju,
349
00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:56,467
you must act fast--
they eat flesh.
350
00:13:56,539 --> 00:13:58,539
Grab the current clamps
and place them on each nipple,
351
00:13:58,610 --> 00:13:59,710
and voilà.
352
00:13:59,779 --> 00:14:01,019
Electricity.
353
00:14:06,993 --> 00:14:08,633
Who wants to see my dick?
354
00:14:08,697 --> 00:14:11,297
All right, boys, highest
body count wins starting...
355
00:14:11,368 --> 00:14:12,708
FRAT BRO 2:
We're gonna be alive forever!
356
00:14:12,772 --> 00:14:14,942
- Now!
357
00:14:17,782 --> 00:14:19,052
I'd like to pledge...
358
00:14:19,117 --> 00:14:20,987
to kill every last one of you.
359
00:14:21,055 --> 00:14:22,925
Oh, shit, let's make 'em
chug their own blood.
360
00:14:22,992 --> 00:14:24,332
Come on, Saty, do that
361
00:14:24,394 --> 00:14:26,234
organ reorganizing trick
you used to do.
362
00:14:26,298 --> 00:14:27,468
Give 'em butthole mouths.
363
00:14:27,535 --> 00:14:28,895
Oh, right, right,
right, right.
364
00:14:28,970 --> 00:14:30,670
One ass mouth coming up.
365
00:14:30,741 --> 00:14:32,551
Run, boys, run.
366
00:14:34,114 --> 00:14:36,694
Oh, no, you don't.
367
00:14:36,753 --> 00:14:37,923
All right, here we go.
368
00:14:37,988 --> 00:14:39,018
All right, here we go.
Here we go.
369
00:14:39,091 --> 00:14:40,161
Come on. Come on. Do it.
370
00:14:40,226 --> 00:14:41,226
Do it. Do it. Do it.
371
00:14:41,295 --> 00:14:43,165
Poke it. Just poke through it.
372
00:14:43,232 --> 00:14:45,742
Poke through it.
Just poke it, motherfucker.
373
00:14:47,474 --> 00:14:49,014
I can't do it.
374
00:14:49,077 --> 00:14:50,677
I can't even kill
some soon-to-be
375
00:14:50,748 --> 00:14:52,418
LinkedIn thirst trap.
376
00:14:52,484 --> 00:14:55,024
Chug, chug, chug, chug.
- Chug! Drink that shit!
377
00:14:55,089 --> 00:14:56,019
Whoo!
Deep throat.
378
00:14:56,091 --> 00:14:57,731
Deep throat. Deep throat.
379
00:14:57,795 --> 00:14:58,855
Fucknabbit.
380
00:14:58,930 --> 00:15:01,200
Yo, is this a prank, bro?
381
00:15:03,105 --> 00:15:04,935
Didn't I tell you
to shut the fuck up?
382
00:15:06,546 --> 00:15:08,616
Look, the devil doesn't
get twisties.
383
00:15:08,683 --> 00:15:11,363
He twisties the necks
of worthless flesh bags
384
00:15:11,422 --> 00:15:13,662
with his cool,
sociopathic friends.
385
00:15:17,033 --> 00:15:19,443
Oh, we got
Snakey Fucking Freud over here.
386
00:15:20,874 --> 00:15:22,784
Oh, I should get
massively loaded.
387
00:15:22,845 --> 00:15:24,375
That'll help.
388
00:15:24,448 --> 00:15:26,048
- Whoo!
- I set a new record, dog.
389
00:15:26,118 --> 00:15:27,218
Where were you?
390
00:15:27,287 --> 00:15:29,017
Uh, I wa--I was
doing normal shit.
391
00:15:29,090 --> 00:15:31,560
Murder, et cetera, et cetera.
392
00:15:31,629 --> 00:15:33,729
Murder et cetera?
393
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:35,100
My man!
- Hey,
394
00:15:35,169 --> 00:15:36,309
there's an orphanage
up the block.
395
00:15:36,371 --> 00:15:37,811
Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!
396
00:15:37,875 --> 00:15:39,035
Yeah!
Let's fucking rip
397
00:15:39,111 --> 00:15:39,881
some kids' hearts out.
Slice 'em up!
398
00:15:39,946 --> 00:15:41,216
Here we go!
399
00:15:41,281 --> 00:15:43,021
I love a white wine
I can see through.
400
00:15:43,085 --> 00:15:43,985
Cheers to us.
401
00:15:44,054 --> 00:15:45,924
Yes, to us.
402
00:15:45,991 --> 00:15:47,291
Cheers, ladies.
403
00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:49,870
Next week, we should really
organize a protest
404
00:15:49,932 --> 00:15:52,042
for organic lunches
at the school.
405
00:15:52,103 --> 00:15:54,113
Ooh! A can drive
for can-do attitudes.
406
00:15:54,174 --> 00:15:55,984
- Yes.
- Ladies, ladies,
407
00:15:56,044 --> 00:15:57,524
I polled the kids
around school,
408
00:15:57,581 --> 00:15:59,121
and they said
what they'd want most
409
00:15:59,184 --> 00:16:00,694
is to go to school
without fear.
410
00:16:00,754 --> 00:16:03,194
So I made them
adrenal gland calming stickers.
411
00:16:03,259 --> 00:16:04,329
Laura's a goddamn genius.
412
00:16:04,394 --> 00:16:05,264
What did we do
before you?
413
00:16:05,329 --> 00:16:06,399
I just came.
414
00:16:18,155 --> 00:16:19,415
KID 1: Yeah!
KID 2: Whoo!
415
00:16:21,128 --> 00:16:24,128
Enjoy it!
Youth doesn't last forever!
416
00:16:24,836 --> 00:16:26,736
She must be going
through a lot of stuff.
417
00:16:30,547 --> 00:16:33,217
- Kill Antichrist.
418
00:16:33,285 --> 00:16:34,755
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
419
00:16:34,822 --> 00:16:36,392
Whoa!
420
00:16:37,060 --> 00:16:38,830
Huh. Checkmate.
421
00:16:38,897 --> 00:16:40,627
Fucking get--
422
00:16:40,701 --> 00:16:42,541
Ah, monster of the week.
423
00:16:42,605 --> 00:16:43,505
Check.
424
00:16:50,119 --> 00:16:51,959
Mom! Mom, help!
425
00:16:52,023 --> 00:16:54,133
Aw, my little
Chrissy Wissy Poo's
426
00:16:54,194 --> 00:16:55,904
fighting her own monster.
427
00:16:55,964 --> 00:16:59,074
I wish I could help, but I have
to prepare for the potluck.
428
00:16:59,137 --> 00:17:00,667
Tear out his heart, honey.
429
00:17:00,741 --> 00:17:02,111
Kill him and whatnot.
430
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,707
Mom, what the fuck
is going on, and where are you?
431
00:17:16,773 --> 00:17:18,683
I could have died
a million times today.
432
00:17:18,743 --> 00:17:20,053
I should be out playing.
433
00:17:20,112 --> 00:17:22,522
I'm 13, and I had to feed
toenails to a goblin
434
00:17:22,585 --> 00:17:24,285
to get the gas back--
435
00:17:26,258 --> 00:17:28,528
What is happening?
436
00:17:28,597 --> 00:17:29,567
Oops.
437
00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:31,172
Should have locked
the door, sweetie.
438
00:17:31,235 --> 00:17:33,105
It's ocupado.
What the hell is--
439
00:17:36,011 --> 00:17:37,051
You go, girl.
440
00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:40,023
GUY 1: What's happening?
Are they gonna kill us?
441
00:17:40,086 --> 00:17:41,556
GIRL 1:
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
442
00:17:41,623 --> 00:17:43,533
You gonna just
stand there and watch?
443
00:17:43,593 --> 00:17:45,233
Your whole bit is
that you got arms.
444
00:17:45,296 --> 00:17:46,466
Fucking help me.
445
00:17:53,312 --> 00:17:56,052
What's the haps, Satan?
Huh? Oh.
446
00:17:56,118 --> 00:17:57,688
Holy fuck.
Sweet air. Sweet air.
447
00:17:57,755 --> 00:18:00,425
Hey, that's the nun you said
you were about to disembowel.
448
00:18:00,493 --> 00:18:02,603
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I wa--I was, uh--
449
00:18:02,665 --> 00:18:04,165
And that's the teen
from before.
450
00:18:04,234 --> 00:18:05,674
Hi.
- You didn't bury her alive.
451
00:18:05,737 --> 00:18:08,477
Did you save her life?
452
00:18:08,543 --> 00:18:10,313
Ah, fuck it.
I don't care anymore.
453
00:18:10,379 --> 00:18:12,449
Yeah, I didn't kill her.
- Ha! I knew it.
454
00:18:12,518 --> 00:18:15,118
The rumors about
the Realm of Realms were true.
455
00:18:15,189 --> 00:18:19,499
Satan's turned
into a soft, little baby.
456
00:18:19,565 --> 00:18:21,395
- I'm not soft.
457
00:18:21,468 --> 00:18:23,138
I don't enjoy
this shit anymore.
458
00:18:23,205 --> 00:18:25,075
Destroying realms is epic.
459
00:18:25,142 --> 00:18:26,882
These murder games
are just dumb.
460
00:18:26,946 --> 00:18:28,016
And so are all of you.
461
00:18:28,082 --> 00:18:30,392
I figured that out
all by myself.
462
00:18:30,453 --> 00:18:31,793
You really called it, Baka.
463
00:18:31,856 --> 00:18:34,426
Satan is a huge wussy,
flabby pussy.
464
00:18:34,494 --> 00:18:36,734
If you guys knew I was lame,
why did you invite me out?
465
00:18:36,799 --> 00:18:39,399
Because, dumbass,
you're our meal ticket.
466
00:18:39,471 --> 00:18:40,671
You thought we'd been
hanging out with you
467
00:18:40,741 --> 00:18:42,611
all these centuries
because we like you?
468
00:18:42,678 --> 00:18:43,608
Hell no!
469
00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:45,950
But if our meal ticket
is expired...
470
00:18:46,018 --> 00:18:47,048
Then it looks
like we're gonna
471
00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:49,730
have to find
another way to eat.
472
00:18:51,194 --> 00:18:52,434
Agh!
473
00:18:52,497 --> 00:18:54,497
- Aah!
474
00:18:54,568 --> 00:18:55,638
Oh, fuck.
475
00:18:55,704 --> 00:18:58,744
To perish by the very means
I live by.
476
00:18:58,810 --> 00:19:00,250
Oh, the irony!
477
00:19:00,313 --> 00:19:02,123
A true ouroboros.
478
00:19:02,183 --> 00:19:03,753
No!
479
00:19:08,930 --> 00:19:11,200
How's that for soft, bitches?
Oh, it burns.
480
00:19:11,268 --> 00:19:12,638
Let's get the fuck
out of here.
481
00:19:12,705 --> 00:19:13,935
What a horrible way to go!
482
00:19:14,007 --> 00:19:14,977
Me drive? How come?
483
00:19:15,042 --> 00:19:16,112
I'm being digested...
484
00:19:16,178 --> 00:19:17,508
- Oh, right.
485
00:19:17,581 --> 00:19:19,251
Right, right.
By a fucking snake!
486
00:19:19,317 --> 00:19:20,447
Oh, that smells delicious.
487
00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:21,560
Guys, you need to go.
488
00:19:21,622 --> 00:19:22,992
My mom is--something is wrong.
489
00:19:23,058 --> 00:19:24,558
What exactly do you think
is wrong with her?
490
00:19:24,628 --> 00:19:25,828
And do you mind
if I record this?
491
00:19:25,897 --> 00:19:27,467
Let's get her canceled.
I mean help.
492
00:19:27,534 --> 00:19:29,004
I don't care
about the stupid potluck,
493
00:19:29,070 --> 00:19:31,410
and my mom shouldn't either,
and that's why I'm--
494
00:19:31,475 --> 00:19:32,675
Hello, ladies.
495
00:19:35,383 --> 00:19:36,553
Oh, my God.
- Jesus Christ.
496
00:19:36,619 --> 00:19:38,689
This is the grossest shit
I've ever seen.
497
00:19:38,757 --> 00:19:41,127
All of you look gorge,
per usual.
498
00:19:41,194 --> 00:19:42,364
What are those things?
499
00:19:42,430 --> 00:19:44,000
Why are they all over you?
500
00:19:44,067 --> 00:19:45,637
These are my anger leeches.
501
00:19:45,704 --> 00:19:47,244
We are all one. We love anger.
502
00:19:47,306 --> 00:19:48,936
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, anger.
503
00:19:49,010 --> 00:19:50,810
Mom, you have to take them
off of you.
504
00:19:50,881 --> 00:19:52,521
But we are here for you, child.
505
00:19:52,584 --> 00:19:54,994
Your mother has given us
the gift of her anger.
506
00:19:55,056 --> 00:19:57,456
In turn, we have given her
the gift of freedom
507
00:19:57,528 --> 00:19:59,028
from her pain, her body.
508
00:19:59,097 --> 00:20:00,427
Aww.
- Not aww!
509
00:20:00,499 --> 00:20:02,169
This shit stops right now.
510
00:20:04,074 --> 00:20:05,414
What the--
Ha!
511
00:20:05,476 --> 00:20:07,346
This is how you've been
one-upping me, huh?
512
00:20:07,413 --> 00:20:09,083
You see this, ladies?
513
00:20:09,150 --> 00:20:10,390
She's a cheater.
514
00:20:10,453 --> 00:20:11,893
You cannot hurt us, child,
515
00:20:11,956 --> 00:20:13,926
unless you wish
to hurt your mommy.
516
00:20:13,993 --> 00:20:16,163
Do you really want to hurt her
more than you already have?
517
00:20:16,231 --> 00:20:17,701
Chrissy, your mom loves you.
518
00:20:17,768 --> 00:20:20,208
Everything she does is for you,
including cheating.
519
00:20:20,272 --> 00:20:22,042
Fuck you, Amanda.
520
00:20:22,110 --> 00:20:23,910
Please, snap out of it
and be a bitch again.
521
00:20:23,980 --> 00:20:26,220
You are so much better
than all of these shitty moms.
522
00:20:26,284 --> 00:20:27,924
If by better,
you mean she has
523
00:20:27,988 --> 00:20:30,758
a mind-altering
substance abuse issue,
524
00:20:30,827 --> 00:20:32,657
then sure, she's better.
525
00:20:32,731 --> 00:20:35,471
You know what? Fuck you!
Fuck your mom!
526
00:20:35,537 --> 00:20:37,807
You have no idea how I have
to take it up the tailpipe
527
00:20:37,875 --> 00:20:39,075
day in and day out.
528
00:20:39,144 --> 00:20:41,354
I do everything for every one
of my goddamn family!
529
00:20:41,415 --> 00:20:43,185
Your mom isn't better than us.
530
00:20:43,252 --> 00:20:45,322
She's got it easy,
and I'd fucking kill
531
00:20:45,389 --> 00:20:46,959
to be in her shoes right now.
532
00:20:51,001 --> 00:20:53,541
Well, I heard your husband's
thinking about leaving you,
533
00:20:53,606 --> 00:20:55,436
so you might get your wish
soon enough,
534
00:20:55,510 --> 00:20:57,010
at least
that's what Jenny said.
535
00:20:57,079 --> 00:20:58,419
You shitting me?
536
00:20:58,482 --> 00:21:00,722
After I bought you
that rose jade quartz roller?
537
00:21:00,787 --> 00:21:02,957
- I didn't ask for it.
- You fucking needed it!
538
00:21:03,025 --> 00:21:04,955
You make your son eat
out of the palm of your hand
539
00:21:05,029 --> 00:21:06,799
because he's the only thing
you can control.
540
00:21:06,866 --> 00:21:09,266
- Oh, fuck you, Jenny!
- Oh, fuck you, Amanda!
541
00:21:16,084 --> 00:21:18,394
Chrissy, why are these cunts
in my house?
542
00:21:18,455 --> 00:21:20,025
Oh, shit.
You're coming back.
543
00:21:20,092 --> 00:21:21,132
What else pisses you off?
544
00:21:21,194 --> 00:21:22,464
Let's hear it!
545
00:21:22,531 --> 00:21:24,231
My life is not my own!
546
00:21:24,300 --> 00:21:26,370
Someone slap me
so I can feel something!
547
00:21:30,547 --> 00:21:32,347
I'm tired of having
to hide my anger
548
00:21:32,416 --> 00:21:33,886
because it puts people off!
549
00:21:33,953 --> 00:21:36,463
Just because you breastfed
your kid until he was four
550
00:21:36,526 --> 00:21:38,396
doesn't make you
a better mother than me!
551
00:21:38,462 --> 00:21:41,602
I haven't slept
more than four hours in years!
552
00:21:41,669 --> 00:21:42,939
I don't even have a kid.
553
00:21:43,005 --> 00:21:44,465
I just love groups!
554
00:21:44,542 --> 00:21:45,842
I killed the family cat.
555
00:21:45,911 --> 00:21:47,981
I look at myself
in the mirror, and I punch it!
556
00:21:48,048 --> 00:21:50,288
A pumpkin is
the most basic, lazy,
557
00:21:50,352 --> 00:21:51,422
Halloween costume for a baby.
558
00:21:51,488 --> 00:21:52,988
I want to break shit!
559
00:21:54,294 --> 00:21:55,464
Mom, help.
560
00:21:55,530 --> 00:21:56,830
There's too many.
561
00:21:56,899 --> 00:21:57,839
Chrissy?
562
00:21:57,901 --> 00:21:59,101
I feel hungry...
563
00:21:59,170 --> 00:22:00,570
for kicking some ass.
564
00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:02,440
Thank God, cause this shit
really sucks.
565
00:22:02,511 --> 00:22:04,211
Get it? Ha! Not the time.
566
00:22:06,552 --> 00:22:08,262
I'm sorry
about all of this, Chrissy.
567
00:22:08,322 --> 00:22:09,792
I bet you wish
I was still nice.
568
00:22:09,859 --> 00:22:11,629
Fuck nice.
I'd take the psycho
569
00:22:11,696 --> 00:22:13,826
real version of you
over the nice one any day.
570
00:22:13,900 --> 00:22:15,000
I need you.
571
00:22:20,647 --> 00:22:23,087
Die, mothersuckers!
572
00:22:27,628 --> 00:22:29,258
Oh, that was
really something.
573
00:22:29,330 --> 00:22:31,670
Okay, everyone, please get
the fuck out of my house.
574
00:22:31,736 --> 00:22:32,836
At least you said please.
575
00:22:37,446 --> 00:22:39,146
Can I ask you something?
576
00:22:40,486 --> 00:22:42,056
We spent all night
beating up on you,
577
00:22:42,123 --> 00:22:44,733
giving you noogies,
pissing in your hat,
578
00:22:44,795 --> 00:22:46,895
and you still saved me.
579
00:22:46,966 --> 00:22:48,036
how come?
580
00:22:50,974 --> 00:22:52,344
Shit.
581
00:22:52,410 --> 00:22:53,980
I friend.
582
00:22:59,525 --> 00:23:01,325
Are you quoting Paula?
583
00:23:01,394 --> 00:23:02,904
You tacky son of a bitch.
584
00:23:02,965 --> 00:23:05,295
You're ribbing me,
you cheesy fuck.
585
00:23:08,876 --> 00:23:10,376
Your mind's in the gutter.
586
00:23:10,446 --> 00:23:11,916
Where it should be,
if you're a snake.
39050
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