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1
00:00:18,916 --> 00:00:22,375
Okay. Dad and evil boss In jail.
2
00:00:22,458 --> 00:00:23,666
Reality restored.
3
00:00:23,750 --> 00:00:25,583
Zero hours of sleep.
4
00:00:25,666 --> 00:00:29,125
Ow, God! And a new
catastrophic workplace injury.
5
00:00:29,208 --> 00:00:31,916
Thanks, J.R. God, I hate this fucking...
6
00:00:33,083 --> 00:00:35,291
Yes!
7
00:00:35,375 --> 00:00:37,208
Welcome back, Boss Friend Forever!
8
00:00:37,708 --> 00:00:39,416
Brett, did you do all this?
9
00:00:39,500 --> 00:00:41,833
No, dog. They did it on their own.
10
00:00:41,916 --> 00:00:44,083
Who'd have thought the best timeline
was this one?
11
00:00:48,250 --> 00:00:49,541
Thank you, Reagan.
12
00:00:49,625 --> 00:00:51,083
You rescued me from a timeline
13
00:00:51,166 --> 00:00:53,625
where a teleporter
turned me into Jeff Goldblum.
14
00:00:53,708 --> 00:00:57,166
I was trapped in a dystopia
where Kennedy never got shot.
15
00:00:57,250 --> 00:01:00,208
It was awful.
He ended up killing millions.
16
00:01:00,291 --> 00:01:01,833
And we had three faces!
17
00:01:01,916 --> 00:01:03,958
It was unnatural.
18
00:01:04,041 --> 00:01:06,958
We're just glad we don't
have to listen to these guys anymore.
19
00:01:07,041 --> 00:01:09,791
Are these jumpsuits made
out of fucking polyester?
20
00:01:09,875 --> 00:01:11,291
I already have crotch rash!
21
00:01:11,375 --> 00:01:13,250
Will you stop manhandling your crotch?
22
00:01:13,333 --> 00:01:16,625
Oh! Like I didn't live all four years
in our college dorm
23
00:01:16,708 --> 00:01:20,041
listening to your abusive relationship
with your right hand!
24
00:01:20,708 --> 00:01:23,416
Hey, you two!
Save the shanking for the Death Arena!
25
00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:26,375
- Oh, yeah, the Death Arena.
- I hate that fucking arena.
26
00:01:27,250 --> 00:01:28,458
You earned this.
27
00:01:28,541 --> 00:01:30,916
You led Cognito through a gauntlet.
28
00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:32,916
And saved all these POWs.
29
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:36,500
"Prisoners of warped realities."
Glenn coined that one.
30
00:01:36,583 --> 00:01:37,791
I'm a wordsmith!
31
00:01:37,875 --> 00:01:40,000
I don't know what to say, guys.
32
00:01:40,083 --> 00:01:41,958
It's your moment, pal. Enjoy it.
33
00:01:42,041 --> 00:01:43,541
Well, I...
34
00:01:48,833 --> 00:01:53,083
Time for our first totally normal day
with zero crazy personal drama.
35
00:01:53,166 --> 00:01:56,083
See? She's so relaxed,
she's completely frozen.
36
00:01:56,166 --> 00:01:59,041
Right, Reagan? Right? Right? Reagan?
37
00:01:59,125 --> 00:02:00,666
- Reagan?
- Yeah!
38
00:02:00,750 --> 00:02:03,541
Aw, I love how weird she is.
39
00:02:27,541 --> 00:02:30,791
Reagan Ridley,
on behalf of the Illuminati,
40
00:02:30,875 --> 00:02:33,833
I wish to thank you for doing
what I never could.
41
00:02:33,916 --> 00:02:35,583
Destroying your father.
42
00:02:35,666 --> 00:02:38,166
Thank you, but he destroyed himself.
43
00:02:38,250 --> 00:02:40,208
Although he did team up with whiskey.
44
00:02:40,291 --> 00:02:44,416
Please accept this
as a small, humble token of our thanks.
45
00:02:45,250 --> 00:02:46,970
- Wow!
- A little over-the-top.
46
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,708
I don't hate this.
47
00:02:50,166 --> 00:02:53,541
I talked to God,
and He's gonna send you to VIP heaven.
48
00:02:53,625 --> 00:02:56,708
You're not going to shitty heaven
with the regular people.
49
00:02:56,791 --> 00:02:58,833
You saved the world for real, ninjette!
50
00:02:58,916 --> 00:03:01,875
Please accept this gift basket.
51
00:03:02,458 --> 00:03:03,291
Ugh!
52
00:03:03,375 --> 00:03:06,791
I've seen enough anime
to know which holes these go in!
53
00:03:06,875 --> 00:03:09,291
We expect great things, Reagan.
54
00:03:09,375 --> 00:03:10,375
Cognito!
55
00:03:11,333 --> 00:03:15,333
Whoa, the entire global conspiracy
just got behind you!
56
00:03:15,416 --> 00:03:17,583
The weight of the world
is on your shoulders.
57
00:03:17,666 --> 00:03:20,458
Finally, a reason
for you to have shitty posture.
58
00:03:21,583 --> 00:03:25,833
Guys, I appreciate all of this,
but we still have a cover-up to focus on.
59
00:03:25,916 --> 00:03:28,666
There's still some leftover anomalies
that need to be contained.
60
00:03:29,666 --> 00:03:33,583
The damage to our timeline has
caused a number of minor inconsistencies.
61
00:03:33,666 --> 00:03:34,958
Plot holes, if you will.
62
00:03:35,041 --> 00:03:38,583
Oh, of course,
like how some celebrities are reptoids
63
00:03:38,666 --> 00:03:40,541
and others are randomly Illuminati.
64
00:03:40,625 --> 00:03:42,666
It's like Illuminati stuff came later!
65
00:03:42,750 --> 00:03:45,458
Or like how I used to say
I wasn't an alien,
66
00:03:45,541 --> 00:03:49,208
and then you guys found out
my species arrived on an asteroid.
67
00:03:49,291 --> 00:03:52,750
Exactly. These plot holes
were all caused by the machine.
68
00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:54,625
- Very satisfying.
- Future stuff too!
69
00:03:54,708 --> 00:03:57,125
But the major anomalies
are still causing chaos.
70
00:03:57,208 --> 00:03:59,833
Like here. A warehouse
full of Berenstain Bears books
71
00:03:59,916 --> 00:04:03,458
where their names are spelled wrong.
Also, their genitals are showing.
72
00:04:03,541 --> 00:04:06,000
Papa Bear is packin'.
73
00:04:06,083 --> 00:04:08,708
We have six hours
before the changes become permanent.
74
00:04:08,791 --> 00:04:12,208
We need to isolate and contain
every plot hole from this past season.
75
00:04:12,291 --> 00:04:14,041
Of summer. The season of summer.
76
00:04:14,125 --> 00:04:15,916
Hey, Brett, sidebar?
77
00:04:16,625 --> 00:04:17,958
"We need to talk."
78
00:04:18,958 --> 00:04:21,833
Dang! That always means
breakups or cancer.
79
00:04:21,916 --> 00:04:23,083
Maybe it's just cancer.
80
00:04:23,166 --> 00:04:24,750
I need some time to figure this out.
81
00:04:24,833 --> 00:04:26,633
Do you think you could run things
for the day?
82
00:04:26,708 --> 00:04:29,583
Me? In charge of a whole workforce,
like Santa?
83
00:04:29,666 --> 00:04:32,791
Come on! You're not the same Brett
you were when you started here!
84
00:04:32,875 --> 00:04:34,500
You can handle this.
85
00:04:35,416 --> 00:04:38,250
Just remember, being a boss
means making tough decisions.
86
00:04:38,333 --> 00:04:41,083
- Sometimes you have to kill your babies.
- I resent that!
87
00:04:41,166 --> 00:04:42,875
It's a figure of speech!
88
00:04:42,958 --> 00:04:44,583
Fucking Steve!
89
00:04:44,666 --> 00:04:47,500
Uh, Brett is in charge for the day,
90
00:04:47,583 --> 00:04:50,458
and I want you to give him
the same respect that you've given me
91
00:04:50,541 --> 00:04:52,041
starting roughly this morning.
92
00:04:53,041 --> 00:04:55,000
All right, team. Let's get out there and...
93
00:04:55,083 --> 00:04:56,416
Hey! Where's everybody going?
94
00:04:56,500 --> 00:04:58,333
This just turned into a snow day.
95
00:04:58,416 --> 00:05:01,125
Except for the 0% body fat,
you're a big softie.
96
00:05:01,916 --> 00:05:06,041
Oh, yeah? Would a big softie
vaporize his favorite movie anomaly?
97
00:05:07,416 --> 00:05:09,375
- Damn!
- He killed his baby!
98
00:05:09,458 --> 00:05:10,291
Shooting!
99
00:05:10,375 --> 00:05:14,750
That's right, there's a new sheriff
in town. "Sheriff Boss"!
100
00:05:18,750 --> 00:05:21,625
I'm sticking around
to see how dumb this gets.
101
00:05:22,541 --> 00:05:26,375
All right, listen up. Confiscate the
presidential portraits of Dennis Rodman,
102
00:05:26,458 --> 00:05:28,500
sandblast the Pepsi logo off the moon,
103
00:05:28,583 --> 00:05:31,750
and figure out how many Oscars
Meryl Streep is supposed to have.
104
00:05:31,833 --> 00:05:33,000
Three sounds kind of low.
105
00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:34,833
Yes, sir! Right away, sir!
106
00:05:35,333 --> 00:05:37,166
Man, leadership is easy.
107
00:05:37,250 --> 00:05:39,750
You just yell the things you want,
and they happen.
108
00:05:40,250 --> 00:05:42,416
Massive anomaly detected right here in DC.
109
00:05:42,500 --> 00:05:45,041
Brett's get dangerous! All together now.
110
00:05:45,125 --> 00:05:46,750
- No chance.
- Not doing that.
111
00:05:46,833 --> 00:05:48,041
Come on, guys.
112
00:05:48,125 --> 00:05:48,958
Okay, okay.
113
00:05:49,041 --> 00:05:50,333
Brett's get dangerous.
114
00:05:50,833 --> 00:05:51,833
That's better.
115
00:05:57,083 --> 00:05:59,125
Hey, the door was unlocked and...
116
00:05:59,208 --> 00:06:00,666
Oh God. You're leaving?
117
00:06:00,750 --> 00:06:01,625
Reagan. I...
118
00:06:01,708 --> 00:06:05,208
I don't hear from you for days
and you're moving?
119
00:06:05,291 --> 00:06:08,041
I'm sorry. I needed time
to think things over.
120
00:06:08,125 --> 00:06:11,291
Do you know how many times
we've almost died since we met?
121
00:06:11,375 --> 00:06:13,541
Um, well, together or separately?
122
00:06:13,625 --> 00:06:16,333
Look, before you break up with me,
I just want to say...
123
00:06:21,291 --> 00:06:22,291
I love you.
124
00:06:22,791 --> 00:06:24,416
I love you too.
125
00:06:24,500 --> 00:06:27,666
Wait, what the hell are you...
Are you not breaking up with me?
126
00:06:27,750 --> 00:06:31,208
No! Are you kidding?
You're the only thing that matters to me.
127
00:06:31,291 --> 00:06:33,916
Which is why I made all of this.
128
00:06:35,500 --> 00:06:38,583
A scrapbook? Appleton, Wisconsin?
129
00:06:38,666 --> 00:06:39,708
What's in Appleton?
130
00:06:39,791 --> 00:06:42,500
Just a small town where nobody knows us.
131
00:06:42,583 --> 00:06:45,166
The perfect place for perfect memories.
132
00:06:45,250 --> 00:06:47,833
Passports?
You made us new identities?
133
00:06:47,916 --> 00:06:50,666
And deepfaked photos of us?
We never did this stuff.
134
00:06:50,750 --> 00:06:54,708
And if we don't leave the shadow world,
we might never get a chance to.
135
00:06:54,791 --> 00:06:56,833
I've been thinking about it
and thinking about it,
136
00:06:56,916 --> 00:06:59,291
and this job is dangerous, Reagan.
137
00:06:59,375 --> 00:07:01,125
And the thought of you getting...
138
00:07:02,916 --> 00:07:04,875
Why did your finger just fall off?
139
00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:07,125
Oh... this?
140
00:07:07,208 --> 00:07:12,625
This is just from getting shot
by my intern during a dimension storm.
141
00:07:12,708 --> 00:07:16,041
This is what I mean!
You're risking your life at that job,
142
00:07:16,125 --> 00:07:17,000
and for what?
143
00:07:17,083 --> 00:07:19,208
To do the bidding of the "Black Robes"?
144
00:07:19,291 --> 00:07:21,041
We don't even know who they are!
145
00:07:21,125 --> 00:07:23,458
Are they good, evil, even human?
146
00:07:24,875 --> 00:07:27,166
The night we met,
I wanted to escape this job,
147
00:07:27,250 --> 00:07:28,958
but then I met you,
148
00:07:29,041 --> 00:07:31,791
and you were worth sticking around for.
149
00:07:31,875 --> 00:07:34,083
Now, there's a chance for us to have both.
150
00:07:35,375 --> 00:07:37,125
My last memory eraser.
151
00:07:37,208 --> 00:07:38,208
Two charges.
152
00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:40,583
We could start a new life
before it's too late.
153
00:07:41,083 --> 00:07:43,750
If we remember classified intel,
they'll come for us,
154
00:07:43,833 --> 00:07:46,291
but this way, we'll be free.
155
00:07:47,291 --> 00:07:48,875
In Appleton, huh?
156
00:07:48,958 --> 00:07:51,041
Low crime. Good schools.
157
00:07:51,125 --> 00:07:54,291
Two rocking chairs on the porch
for when we grow old.
158
00:07:54,375 --> 00:07:56,166
Hopefully together?
159
00:07:56,250 --> 00:08:00,291
Yeah, knowing us, we'd probably end up
taking over the town like dictators.
160
00:08:00,375 --> 00:08:04,166
You can't fix the world.
Something will always fuck it up again.
161
00:08:04,250 --> 00:08:06,750
But we could start our own world together.
162
00:08:10,958 --> 00:08:14,708
I know it's a big decision, but...
just think about it?
163
00:08:16,083 --> 00:08:18,125
Okay. I'll think about it.
164
00:08:18,833 --> 00:08:21,083
All right, we re-canceled Kevin Spacey,
165
00:08:21,166 --> 00:08:23,083
replaced the signs
that said "Pizza Hutch,"
166
00:08:23,166 --> 00:08:25,458
and forced Richard Nixon
back into his grave.
167
00:08:26,125 --> 00:08:27,458
I don't wanna talk about it.
168
00:08:29,166 --> 00:08:32,375
There's only one anomaly left.
In this gym.
169
00:08:35,083 --> 00:08:38,291
Once we get rid of it,
our timeline should stabilize.
170
00:08:38,375 --> 00:08:40,583
Now, let's vaporize this puppy.
171
00:08:42,166 --> 00:08:44,750
Hello? Any Mandela Effects in here?
172
00:08:44,833 --> 00:08:46,708
Was that a swish?
173
00:08:46,791 --> 00:08:49,125
It sounded like nothing but net!
174
00:08:57,791 --> 00:09:00,458
Air Bud? From Disney's Air Bud?
175
00:09:00,541 --> 00:09:02,375
My first on-screen role model!
176
00:09:02,458 --> 00:09:03,625
He must have been left here
177
00:09:03,708 --> 00:09:06,416
from a timeline
where Air Bud was a documentary.
178
00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:08,340
I guess there's nothing
in the rules of physics
179
00:09:08,416 --> 00:09:11,208
that says a dog can't
glitch through time and play basketball.
180
00:09:11,291 --> 00:09:13,458
Great. Let's vaporize this puppy!
181
00:09:13,541 --> 00:09:15,166
What? No!
182
00:09:15,250 --> 00:09:17,083
Oh, but you literally said...
183
00:09:17,166 --> 00:09:20,958
That's when I thought it was
a bad anomaly. Look at this good boy.
184
00:09:21,041 --> 00:09:22,750
His hair swoops just like mine!
185
00:09:22,833 --> 00:09:25,750
Brett, if I've learned anything
from Air Bud,
186
00:09:25,833 --> 00:09:27,375
Air Bud Two: Golden Receiver,
187
00:09:27,458 --> 00:09:31,500
Air Bud Three: World Pup, Air Bud Four:
Seventh Inning Fetch, Air Bud Spikes Back,
188
00:09:31,583 --> 00:09:34,291
and the Air, Snow, Space, Santa,
Spooky Treasure,
189
00:09:34,375 --> 00:09:36,083
and Super Buddy spin-offs,
190
00:09:36,166 --> 00:09:41,208
it's that the world doesn't need
a fucking basketball-playing dog!
191
00:09:41,291 --> 00:09:43,811
But... Rye ruv him.
192
00:09:45,416 --> 00:09:48,625
No biggie, just making
the biggest decision of my life
193
00:09:48,708 --> 00:09:51,083
when I can't even
hold on to a portable charger.
194
00:09:55,333 --> 00:09:57,833
Reagan, I really need your advice on...
195
00:09:57,916 --> 00:09:59,416
Oh, leaving again?
196
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:03,000
Staedtler kind of asked me
to run away with him,
197
00:10:03,083 --> 00:10:04,083
like, forever.
198
00:10:05,041 --> 00:10:09,916
Brett? What if you being in charge
was more of a permanent thing?
199
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:12,416
Forever? But, Reagan,
you're my best friend, and...
200
00:10:19,041 --> 00:10:20,791
I...
201
00:10:20,875 --> 00:10:21,875
And I got this.
202
00:10:21,958 --> 00:10:23,875
All I care about is that you're happy.
203
00:10:26,166 --> 00:10:27,875
What did you need my advice about?
204
00:10:27,958 --> 00:10:30,250
Nothing
Sheriff Boss can't handle.
205
00:10:31,958 --> 00:10:34,291
Did you just hear a dog dunking?
206
00:10:34,375 --> 00:10:35,375
Drive safe, pal!
207
00:10:37,291 --> 00:10:40,541
Just gotta think it over.
Job versus love... Job versus...
208
00:10:42,583 --> 00:10:43,708
The hell?
209
00:10:45,125 --> 00:10:47,791
Our building doesn't even go that low.
Does it?
210
00:10:49,041 --> 00:10:54,166
Agh! No! I promised myself
I wouldn't die at work!
211
00:10:58,166 --> 00:10:59,458
No, no, no! Agh!
212
00:11:21,833 --> 00:11:25,125
Reagan Ridley, the time has come.
213
00:11:25,708 --> 00:11:28,500
Oh my God, it's you, the Black Robes!
214
00:11:28,583 --> 00:11:32,541
We have been watching you
for some time. You and your father.
215
00:11:32,625 --> 00:11:37,708
He hid the most dangerous weapon
in the universe right under our noses.
216
00:11:37,791 --> 00:11:38,791
Project Reboot.
217
00:11:38,875 --> 00:11:41,916
More like Project
"Fuck Up 100,000 Years of Planning."
218
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:43,767
- Agreed.
- The fucking guy.
219
00:11:43,791 --> 00:11:47,208
We wanted to thank you
for saving reality.
220
00:11:47,291 --> 00:11:52,000
Wow, I'm honored. I mean "shadow-honored"
if that is the preferred term?
221
00:11:52,083 --> 00:11:54,208
That is the term. Shadow-honored.
222
00:11:54,291 --> 00:11:56,458
But what am I even doing here?
223
00:11:56,541 --> 00:11:57,916
Who are you guys?
224
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:01,333
In all these years,
you've never shown me anything.
225
00:12:01,833 --> 00:12:04,416
Then what if
we showed you... everything?
226
00:12:10,250 --> 00:12:12,666
In ministerium chobanis!
227
00:12:15,708 --> 00:12:18,208
You guys aren't gonna sacrifice me
to a Cthulhu, right?
228
00:12:18,291 --> 00:12:20,833
No, hell, no, no.
That guy's fucking nuts!
229
00:12:24,458 --> 00:12:26,625
Who's ready to pet our new office dog?
230
00:12:26,708 --> 00:12:29,791
His name is, um, Regular Bud.
231
00:12:31,291 --> 00:12:33,833
You brought the anomaly back here?
232
00:12:36,375 --> 00:12:37,250
Hey!
233
00:12:37,333 --> 00:12:39,500
That thing cannot remain in our timeline.
234
00:12:39,583 --> 00:12:42,583
In less than four hours,
our universe will conform to a reality
235
00:12:42,666 --> 00:12:45,041
where dogs rule at basketball.
236
00:12:45,125 --> 00:12:47,041
So? That doesn't sound so bad.
237
00:12:47,125 --> 00:12:49,583
Once dogs dominate the NBA,
they'll evolve thumbs.
238
00:12:49,666 --> 00:12:51,041
They'll learn to work doorknobs,
239
00:12:51,125 --> 00:12:53,291
which leads to political power,
their own military.
240
00:12:53,375 --> 00:12:56,000
A full-on planet of the dogs!
241
00:12:57,166 --> 00:12:59,041
Sweet dolphin Jesus!
242
00:12:59,125 --> 00:13:01,708
You have to kill this dog
to save our universe.
243
00:13:01,791 --> 00:13:04,041
No. No! There must be a solution.
244
00:13:04,125 --> 00:13:06,750
What would Reagan do? Put me in charge?
245
00:13:06,833 --> 00:13:07,916
So, what would Brett do?
246
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:08,916
Here it comes!
247
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:13,333
I'll prove we don't have to worry about
dogs dominating humans on or off the court
248
00:13:13,416 --> 00:13:16,583
by beating Air Bud
in a game of one-on-one.
249
00:13:17,583 --> 00:13:22,166
Yes! This has wildly exceeded
my expectations of stupidity.
250
00:13:23,208 --> 00:13:26,291
Our story begins
at the dawn of history.
251
00:13:26,375 --> 00:13:28,750
The birth of the very first society
252
00:13:28,833 --> 00:13:32,166
begat the need
for the very first secret society.
253
00:13:34,666 --> 00:13:38,916
A fraction of early humans were
born smarter than their fellow cavemen.
254
00:13:43,791 --> 00:13:46,708
The intelligent ones
realized that without intervention,
255
00:13:46,791 --> 00:13:48,916
their species would never survive.
256
00:13:50,958 --> 00:13:53,059
But they were mocked
for their enlightenment.
257
00:14:01,375 --> 00:14:05,250
They realized humanity
needed to be protected from itself.
258
00:14:06,208 --> 00:14:08,833
And if they would not listen to reason,
259
00:14:08,916 --> 00:14:12,250
perhaps they would listen
to a higher power.
260
00:14:17,541 --> 00:14:21,416
And thus,
the Order of the Black Robes was born.
261
00:14:23,666 --> 00:14:26,583
Operating from the shadows
using secret knowledge,
262
00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:30,416
we and our descendants
kept watch over all of human history.
263
00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:35,291
Not to point out the obvious,
but fire, plague, actual fucking locusts?
264
00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:38,833
If you're watching over us,
why didn't you stop these things?
265
00:14:38,916 --> 00:14:40,916
Stop them? We unleashed them.
266
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:43,208
When humanity was about to overpopulate,
267
00:14:43,291 --> 00:14:45,541
we released the Black Plague,
268
00:14:45,625 --> 00:14:49,833
and in quarantine,
Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity.
269
00:14:49,916 --> 00:14:53,750
Okay, what is the plan
behind burning rainforests?
270
00:14:53,833 --> 00:14:56,594
Controlled fire to stop
sentient trees overthrowing humanity.
271
00:14:56,666 --> 00:14:59,791
Shit, really? Okay. Uh, the Titanic?
272
00:14:59,875 --> 00:15:02,351
- Atlantean invasion fleet.
- Huh. No kidding.
273
00:15:02,375 --> 00:15:04,833
What appears on the surface
to be chaos
274
00:15:04,916 --> 00:15:08,041
is actually a complex system
serving a greater good.
275
00:15:08,125 --> 00:15:09,791
Humanity is like your team.
276
00:15:09,875 --> 00:15:12,750
You've seen what happens
when you don't save them from themselves.
277
00:15:12,833 --> 00:15:15,875
They're not that helpless!
I put Brett in charge this morning,
278
00:15:15,958 --> 00:15:19,500
and I'm sure that there are
zero high jinks happening right now.
279
00:15:20,583 --> 00:15:23,791
At two and a half feet
and 14 and a half sequels,
280
00:15:23,875 --> 00:15:26,208
he dribbles with his paws and his mouth.
281
00:15:26,291 --> 00:15:30,500
It's Air Bud!
282
00:15:30,583 --> 00:15:32,916
Yeah, mankind is doomed.
283
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,208
If the dog wins, he dies,
284
00:15:35,291 --> 00:15:38,500
but this little idiot
does not want that, does he?
285
00:15:39,125 --> 00:15:42,458
Throw the game. Please.
Please! The stakes are so high.
286
00:16:08,375 --> 00:16:10,291
Motherfucker!
287
00:16:10,375 --> 00:16:13,833
No, Air Bud. You just signed
your own death warrant.
288
00:16:13,916 --> 00:16:16,875
Stop licking me.
289
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:21,250
It's time to say goodbye, Brett.
290
00:16:21,333 --> 00:16:22,875
No! There's gotta be another way.
291
00:16:22,958 --> 00:16:26,083
What about chess?
I could beat a dog in chess! Probably.
292
00:16:26,166 --> 00:16:30,750
Leadership means killing things whenever
people tell you to, no questions asked!
293
00:16:32,625 --> 00:16:35,500
Vaporize that dog or humanity falls!
294
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,416
Fine. I'll do it.
295
00:16:49,500 --> 00:16:53,250
Can you just give us some privacy?
No one else should have to see this.
296
00:16:57,333 --> 00:17:01,416
But enough about the past.
Let's talk about the future!
297
00:17:03,583 --> 00:17:06,125
My inevitable takeover binder?
298
00:17:06,208 --> 00:17:08,000
You were in my office?
299
00:17:08,083 --> 00:17:09,833
Wait, do you know
where my phone charger is?
300
00:17:09,916 --> 00:17:11,000
Here you go.
301
00:17:11,500 --> 00:17:12,750
What does this all mean?
302
00:17:12,833 --> 00:17:15,250
You were the obvious choice
to replace J.R.,
303
00:17:15,333 --> 00:17:19,416
but your irrational attachment
to your father held you back, until now.
304
00:17:19,500 --> 00:17:23,250
We're not making you the new J.R.
You're making partner.
305
00:17:23,333 --> 00:17:25,875
Everything we know, you'll know.
306
00:17:26,875 --> 00:17:28,208
What do you think?
307
00:17:29,625 --> 00:17:33,333
I don't think any human
is fit to govern humanity,
308
00:17:33,416 --> 00:17:36,541
but I could create an algorithm
that could.
309
00:17:36,625 --> 00:17:38,375
Completely unbiased,
310
00:17:38,458 --> 00:17:42,833
programmed to calculate the maximum
benefit for every living thing.
311
00:17:42,916 --> 00:17:44,750
It's what I've wanted
to make for the office,
312
00:17:44,833 --> 00:17:47,375
but I could make it for the entire world!
313
00:17:47,458 --> 00:17:50,041
Shit. All right.
When could you start?
314
00:17:50,125 --> 00:17:51,250
Shit? Really?
315
00:17:51,333 --> 00:17:55,791
Think of how much good you could
do as the most powerful human on Earth.
316
00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:59,833
Since you mention it, are you guys human?
How's about a little peek under that robe?
317
00:17:59,916 --> 00:18:00,750
Uh-uh-uh.
318
00:18:02,958 --> 00:18:04,333
I was joking!
319
00:18:13,875 --> 00:18:14,875
Fuck.
320
00:18:15,250 --> 00:18:18,625
So you have to choose between true love
or a chance at world domination.
321
00:18:18,708 --> 00:18:21,083
Ah, the classic "will she, won't she?"
322
00:18:21,166 --> 00:18:22,416
There's gotta be a solution
323
00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:24,916
where Staedtler and I can be happy
without giving up my work!
324
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:26,250
Follow me.
325
00:18:29,875 --> 00:18:32,458
I've connected the reality scanner
to the holo-chamber
326
00:18:32,541 --> 00:18:35,708
and narrowed it down to timelines
where you, quote, "have it all."
327
00:18:35,791 --> 00:18:37,875
Now you can
search every conceivable outcome
328
00:18:37,958 --> 00:18:39,250
and see them for yourself.
329
00:18:39,333 --> 00:18:42,916
Here's a reality where you and Staedtler
teach improv classes to convicted felons.
330
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,333
Yes, and...
331
00:18:49,166 --> 00:18:51,958
Alpha-Beta,
this is so un-genocidal of you.
332
00:18:52,041 --> 00:18:53,958
Maybe this room makes me sentimental.
333
00:18:54,041 --> 00:18:57,000
It's where I first learned empathy
from your mother's touch.
334
00:18:57,541 --> 00:18:59,208
Aww. And... ew?
335
00:19:01,458 --> 00:19:02,458
Huh.
336
00:19:05,791 --> 00:19:09,916
Whoa. Weird. A reality
where we work together.
337
00:19:10,833 --> 00:19:13,958
I'm busy, Ron.
Don't you have a monkey to lobotomize?
338
00:19:14,041 --> 00:19:15,041
Uh-oh.
339
00:19:18,166 --> 00:19:19,250
No one understands you.
340
00:19:19,333 --> 00:19:22,291
They just see you as a friendly doofus
that nobody's gonna miss.
341
00:19:22,375 --> 00:19:25,000
People think that hugs and smiles
are all you have to offer,
342
00:19:25,083 --> 00:19:27,916
but you gotta follow your heart
and do things your way.
343
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,791
That's why I'm letting you out
into a field and freeing you.
344
00:19:30,875 --> 00:19:32,791
Here's a gun to protect yourself with.
345
00:19:34,291 --> 00:19:36,208
I feel confident about this plan.
346
00:19:36,291 --> 00:19:37,666
Just stay away from doorknobs
347
00:19:37,750 --> 00:19:40,333
and the dogpocalypse
should be fine.
348
00:19:43,875 --> 00:19:44,875
It's over, Brett!
349
00:19:44,958 --> 00:19:47,708
We knew you didn't have what it takes
to do this job!
350
00:19:47,791 --> 00:19:49,291
It's your character arc, Brett.
351
00:19:49,375 --> 00:19:53,083
According to Save the Cat!, your growth
can only happen if you murder a dog!
352
00:19:53,166 --> 00:19:56,750
If you want to destroy Air Bud,
you'll have to go through me.
353
00:19:56,833 --> 00:19:58,083
Maybe a boss with a big heart
354
00:19:58,166 --> 00:20:01,333
is what this place needs
to stop being such a fucking nightmare!
355
00:20:01,416 --> 00:20:02,458
Ow!
356
00:20:02,541 --> 00:20:05,041
- I recognize your dominance.
- But... Ow!
357
00:20:05,125 --> 00:20:05,958
But...
358
00:20:06,041 --> 00:20:08,291
I just wanted to be slapped.
359
00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:13,125
Sorry, Brett. It was easier taking orders
from Reagan because she was, uh...
360
00:20:13,208 --> 00:20:14,041
Kind of a dick?
361
00:20:14,125 --> 00:20:15,708
- That's what I was thinking.
- Yeah.
362
00:20:15,791 --> 00:20:18,250
Well, I'm in charge now
and I make the rules.
363
00:20:18,333 --> 00:20:21,708
Wait, the rules?
I just got an idea!
364
00:20:22,416 --> 00:20:26,500
Okay. I just need to find
one reality where everything works out.
365
00:20:30,416 --> 00:20:31,791
This is nice.
366
00:20:34,625 --> 00:20:36,041
What? Wait!
367
00:20:37,958 --> 00:20:39,166
No, no, no, no, no, no!
368
00:20:41,750 --> 00:20:42,583
Maybe this one?
369
00:20:56,083 --> 00:20:57,208
Ron! No!
370
00:20:59,125 --> 00:21:00,166
No. Bad.
371
00:21:00,916 --> 00:21:01,916
Bad.
372
00:21:02,875 --> 00:21:03,875
Very bad.
373
00:21:08,625 --> 00:21:10,333
No, this is hopeless!
374
00:21:10,416 --> 00:21:13,291
There has to be at least one reality
where we're happy!
375
00:21:39,583 --> 00:21:40,708
This is it.
376
00:21:40,791 --> 00:21:41,958
This is the solution.
377
00:21:45,166 --> 00:21:46,166
I figured it out.
378
00:21:46,250 --> 00:21:49,166
Air Bud is only a threat because
there's nothing in the rule book
379
00:21:49,250 --> 00:21:51,291
that says a dog can't play basketball...
380
00:21:51,375 --> 00:21:52,625
until now.
381
00:21:52,708 --> 00:21:54,541
I'm changing the rules!
382
00:21:54,625 --> 00:21:57,291
They can't evolve if they can't
have any hope of a career!
383
00:21:57,375 --> 00:22:00,375
Of course, just like 99%
of college players.
384
00:22:02,250 --> 00:22:04,583
Lobby to ban dogs
from professional sports?
385
00:22:04,666 --> 00:22:08,083
As long as you're holding the checkbook,
I'll ban anyone from anything!
386
00:22:12,458 --> 00:22:15,375
It was a buzzer-beater, but you squashed
the dog uprising, Brett.
387
00:22:15,458 --> 00:22:18,041
I just wish our old coach
could have seen us.
388
00:22:18,125 --> 00:22:19,291
Where is she anyway?
389
00:22:23,083 --> 00:22:26,375
- Where's all your stuff?
- Who needs the baggage? Let's do this.
390
00:22:29,333 --> 00:22:31,541
Okay, on the count of three.
391
00:22:31,625 --> 00:22:34,041
One, two, three.
392
00:22:35,625 --> 00:22:37,666
- Goddamn, that burns!
- Goddamn, that burns!
393
00:22:44,166 --> 00:22:46,500
Okay. Remember, after I zap myself,
394
00:22:46,583 --> 00:22:50,791
you have a 60-second window
of suggestibility to read me the script.
395
00:22:51,375 --> 00:22:52,375
I love you.
396
00:22:52,416 --> 00:22:53,583
I love you back.
397
00:22:56,708 --> 00:23:00,333
I can't wait
to finally be able to sleep at night.
398
00:23:10,083 --> 00:23:14,083
Your name is Martin Higgins.
You live just outside Appleton, Wisconsin.
399
00:23:15,041 --> 00:23:19,000
You had a hard time for a long time,
but you did something brave.
400
00:23:19,666 --> 00:23:23,875
You took a chance on a new life
because you realized you deserved one.
401
00:23:24,666 --> 00:23:29,041
I searched a thousand lifetimes
for the one that would make you happiest.
402
00:23:30,583 --> 00:23:32,125
And you'll find it one day.
403
00:23:32,958 --> 00:23:33,958
Just
404
00:23:34,833 --> 00:23:35,958
without me.
405
00:23:43,250 --> 00:23:44,291
You're free now.
406
00:23:45,208 --> 00:23:47,833
I'm sorry that I couldn't
be free with you.
407
00:23:48,916 --> 00:23:50,041
I'll miss you, Ron,
408
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:52,583
and I know if it were possible,
409
00:23:54,250 --> 00:23:55,500
you'd miss me too.
410
00:24:06,833 --> 00:24:09,583
All right, Reagan, you made your choice
411
00:24:09,666 --> 00:24:12,583
because humanity needs someone
to make the hard choices.
412
00:24:14,500 --> 00:24:18,166
And as long as the person you love
is happy, maybe you can be happy later.
413
00:24:19,541 --> 00:24:21,666
Until then, you have a job to do.
414
00:24:38,666 --> 00:24:40,346
You've considered our offer then.
415
00:24:41,041 --> 00:24:41,958
I accept.
416
00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:50,791
Maybe you could be my new Reagan.
417
00:24:51,291 --> 00:24:53,625
How do you feel
about growing out a messy ponytail?
418
00:24:53,708 --> 00:24:56,458
I ruv you, Brett! Pratonicary!
419
00:25:00,791 --> 00:25:02,071
Reagan!
420
00:25:02,625 --> 00:25:06,125
- Okay, okay, down, boy!
- You're back!
421
00:25:06,708 --> 00:25:08,291
I found a solution.
422
00:25:08,375 --> 00:25:11,583
One where Staedtler doesn't have to live
with the memory of our breakup.
423
00:25:11,666 --> 00:25:14,166
Oh. But you do.
424
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:18,208
Yeah. I didn't want to forget.
425
00:25:20,791 --> 00:25:22,083
What's with that dog?
426
00:25:22,166 --> 00:25:24,333
I thought you were
the office golden retriever.
427
00:25:24,416 --> 00:25:27,208
Long story, but I found a solution too.
428
00:25:29,375 --> 00:25:31,875
- Brett!
- Is that dog growing thumbs?
429
00:25:31,958 --> 00:25:33,208
Probably fine.
430
00:25:33,291 --> 00:25:37,375
Huh. Well, that's what we do here, right?
Solve unsolvable problems.
431
00:25:39,041 --> 00:25:41,666
- Oh, and the Robes are making me partner.
- What?
432
00:25:41,750 --> 00:25:43,958
Yeah, we're finally
gonna find out everything.
433
00:25:44,041 --> 00:25:46,375
No more secrets.
434
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:50,166
It is done. The pact is sealed.
435
00:25:50,791 --> 00:25:54,666
It's time to begin Project X37.
436
00:25:54,750 --> 00:25:56,875
You don't think Reagan
will see this coming?
437
00:25:57,458 --> 00:25:58,708
How could she?
438
00:25:58,791 --> 00:26:00,666
She's only human.
34804
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