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1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:08,750
A NETFLIX SERIES
2
00:00:14,458 --> 00:00:17,791
Did you just come from the gym,
or a tornado or something?
3
00:00:17,875 --> 00:00:21,958
- I was with Staedtler in the broom closet.
- What? Give me all the steamy details!
4
00:00:22,041 --> 00:00:25,791
So get this, we're in the closet
and I'm totally naked.
5
00:00:25,875 --> 00:00:27,166
Oh, hell yeah!
6
00:00:27,250 --> 00:00:30,583
Emotionally. I'm telling him
about my parents and my childhood...
7
00:00:30,666 --> 00:00:31,958
Get to the sexy fling part.
8
00:00:32,041 --> 00:00:33,208
Yeah, I'm building to it.
9
00:00:33,291 --> 00:00:37,791
So Staedtler, he has this huge,
almost intimidatingly massive...
10
00:00:37,875 --> 00:00:40,041
Inject that shit straight into my veins!
11
00:00:40,125 --> 00:00:41,125
...heart.
12
00:00:41,166 --> 00:00:44,625
Most people say that they care
about stuff, but he really does.
13
00:00:44,708 --> 00:00:47,333
This ain't hot!
This is some monogamy shit.
14
00:00:47,416 --> 00:00:48,416
Ha, please!
15
00:00:48,500 --> 00:00:50,000
Staedtler's just a random hookup
16
00:00:50,083 --> 00:00:52,875
that makes me feel like I'm home
every time we make eye contact.
17
00:00:52,958 --> 00:00:54,458
And sure, when I smell him,
18
00:00:54,541 --> 00:00:57,583
I feel like part of me that I never
thought was missing is complete.
19
00:00:57,666 --> 00:00:58,946
That doesn't mean that I want...
20
00:00:59,416 --> 00:01:02,666
Oh God. I want Staedtler
to be my boyfriend!
21
00:01:03,375 --> 00:01:06,333
You told me you weren't
looking for anything serious!
22
00:01:06,416 --> 00:01:07,916
You're a living stem cell, Steve.
23
00:01:08,500 --> 00:01:10,291
Call me incel Steve now.
24
00:01:35,250 --> 00:01:37,958
To conclude today's HR presentation,
25
00:01:38,041 --> 00:01:41,166
groping your own clone
is still sexual harassment,
26
00:01:41,250 --> 00:01:42,750
not masturbation,
27
00:01:42,833 --> 00:01:44,916
and neither are allowed at work,
28
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:45,875
Andre!
29
00:01:45,958 --> 00:01:47,500
Can't blame a guy for trying.
30
00:01:48,166 --> 00:01:50,500
Everything reminds me of him.
31
00:01:50,583 --> 00:01:53,458
We can't have sex with clones.
We can't nuke UC Berkeley.
32
00:01:53,541 --> 00:01:55,750
You snowflakes won't let us have any fun!
33
00:01:55,833 --> 00:01:58,166
- Shut the fuck up!
- Go eat a bag of dicks.
34
00:01:58,250 --> 00:02:02,166
Luckily, I've made a new HR handbook
just for this group.
35
00:02:03,250 --> 00:02:04,958
This is Volume One.
36
00:02:05,041 --> 00:02:07,875
I think I'm gonna ask Staedtler
to be my boyfriend tonight.
37
00:02:07,958 --> 00:02:09,541
I even ironed my lab coat.
38
00:02:09,625 --> 00:02:13,333
Okay, I'm just gonna forget that last part
and just be happy for you.
39
00:02:13,416 --> 00:02:15,500
Where are you going to pop the question?
40
00:02:15,583 --> 00:02:17,916
- A place really special to us.
- Don't say broom closet.
41
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:19,625
- The broom closet!
- Are you crazy?
42
00:02:19,708 --> 00:02:22,958
If you really like this guy, you need
to get some romance up in this bitch.
43
00:02:23,041 --> 00:02:23,875
Romance?
44
00:02:23,958 --> 00:02:26,666
I just lied to you
about ironing my lab coat.
45
00:02:26,750 --> 00:02:29,666
How am I gonna find some place
romantic enough to ask him out?
46
00:02:30,416 --> 00:02:31,958
We've been fucked by the pope!
47
00:02:32,458 --> 00:02:34,458
For the love of God, context!
48
00:02:34,541 --> 00:02:36,083
- Hey!
- Buzz off, dipshit.
49
00:02:36,666 --> 00:02:39,875
He just suspended our contract
to build the Vatican a hell on Earth!
50
00:02:39,958 --> 00:02:42,000
Building a what on where?
51
00:02:42,083 --> 00:02:43,458
Why do you never know anything?
52
00:02:43,541 --> 00:02:46,625
I should work in construction
with the amount of pipe I have to lay.
53
00:02:49,875 --> 00:02:53,291
so the College of Cardinals hired us
to create a fake hell under Rome.
54
00:02:53,375 --> 00:02:56,541
The plan was to simulate an earthquake
that uncovers hell,
55
00:02:56,625 --> 00:02:59,708
then everyone would
be so terrified of God's wrath
56
00:03:08,500 --> 00:03:13,000
Wow, Disney magic can do anything.
Including send people to hell?
57
00:03:13,083 --> 00:03:16,541
Relax. It's just for show.
No one's actually "going to hell."
58
00:03:16,625 --> 00:03:19,333
Except Andre, for the weird shit
he did with his clone.
59
00:03:19,416 --> 00:03:20,291
No regrets.
60
00:03:20,375 --> 00:03:21,750
And this project.
61
00:03:21,833 --> 00:03:24,583
The new pope is apparently chill AF.
62
00:03:24,666 --> 00:03:28,416
He found out about the hell contract
and wants to shut it down.
63
00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:33,000
And Jesus said,
"I shall not bogart Salvation."
64
00:03:33,083 --> 00:03:37,291
"Heaven is deadass lit, fam."
Ocasio-Cortez 2024.
65
00:03:37,375 --> 00:03:38,958
I need one of you to go to Rome
66
00:03:39,041 --> 00:03:43,166
and brainwash the pope into a hardcore
religious conservative overnight.
67
00:03:51,333 --> 00:03:54,875
a bounty of pasta and wine
that's so toe-curlingly sensual, you'll...
68
00:03:54,958 --> 00:03:56,666
Dibs! I'll go to Rome.
69
00:04:00,791 --> 00:04:02,583
- Not fair!
- Italian men love Gigi!
70
00:04:02,666 --> 00:04:05,166
Do whatever you have to do.
We need this contract.
71
00:04:05,250 --> 00:04:06,083
Yes!
72
00:04:06,166 --> 00:04:08,041
Come on.
Did you just figure out a way
73
00:04:08,125 --> 00:04:11,458
to turn one of our bullshit missions
into a free vacation?
74
00:04:14,583 --> 00:04:16,541
Suck my per diem!
75
00:04:23,041 --> 00:04:26,875
Whoa, this hotel room is like
the Colosseum of broom closets.
76
00:04:26,958 --> 00:04:29,041
And so many less cleaning supplies.
77
00:04:29,125 --> 00:04:32,833
Look at all the natural light.
I've never seen it on your face before.
78
00:04:32,916 --> 00:04:34,208
Nice face, by the way.
79
00:04:36,291 --> 00:04:38,208
Wait until you see
the restaurant I booked.
80
00:04:38,291 --> 00:04:42,666
Yelp calls it one of the top five bistros
to have honest, emotional conversations.
81
00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:45,375
We can go right after we knock out
this whole pope business.
82
00:04:45,458 --> 00:04:46,833
Oh. Oh, right.
83
00:04:46,916 --> 00:04:49,333
I thought I might do that part myself.
84
00:04:49,416 --> 00:04:51,458
I usually don't mix
business with pleasure.
85
00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:52,875
It'll take two seconds.
86
00:04:52,958 --> 00:04:55,208
It's a quick meeting
with our contact, the cardinal,
87
00:04:55,291 --> 00:04:57,833
you scramble the pope's brains
so he green-lights hell,
88
00:04:57,916 --> 00:05:00,583
and then, boom,
we're free to go out on the town.
89
00:05:00,666 --> 00:05:03,041
You do make it sound so simple.
90
00:05:03,125 --> 00:05:06,250
So let's slam these negronis
and hit the road, huh?
91
00:05:06,333 --> 00:05:07,750
When in Rome, right?
92
00:05:07,833 --> 00:05:11,250
- I was waiting for one of us to say that.
- You gotta say it.
93
00:05:11,333 --> 00:05:13,250
It's half the reason people come here.
94
00:05:14,791 --> 00:05:19,166
Ugh. It's like a homeless family
of licorice is squatting in my mouth!
95
00:05:19,250 --> 00:05:20,250
Gross.
96
00:05:20,750 --> 00:05:23,250
It's bullshit
Reagan gets to go to Rome.
97
00:05:23,333 --> 00:05:25,166
I've always wanted to go on a Euro trip
98
00:05:25,250 --> 00:05:28,125
ever since I saw the 2004 movie EuroTrip.
99
00:05:28,208 --> 00:05:32,416
Let's expense a trip to Rome
and say it's for the hell project!
100
00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:34,208
Rome? You gotta take me with you.
101
00:05:34,291 --> 00:05:37,416
Please! I'll pay you
in insufficient funds ATM slips.
102
00:05:37,500 --> 00:05:41,583
Of course. We need a gopher to haggle
with the locals and hold our trash.
103
00:05:41,666 --> 00:05:43,306
- What are y'all talkin' about?
- Nothing.
104
00:05:44,250 --> 00:05:47,250
A trip? I'm in. I love air travel.
105
00:05:47,333 --> 00:05:49,750
When you're a military man,
people clap for you,
106
00:05:49,833 --> 00:05:51,666
offer you their seat in first class,
107
00:05:56,625 --> 00:06:00,625
Fine. But only because I know you'd
narc on us if we didn't let you go.
108
00:06:00,708 --> 00:06:03,291
Yes! Vacation time!
109
00:06:03,375 --> 00:06:05,291
Are you always wearing that?
110
00:06:05,375 --> 00:06:10,166
When you hit a certain size, it's harder
to find shirts that aren't Hawaiian.
111
00:06:13,291 --> 00:06:15,250
And the maître d' was very mean
on the phone.
112
00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:18,291
Should we practice a couple
of traditional greetings for the pope?
113
00:06:18,375 --> 00:06:19,791
No time, but don't worry.
114
00:06:19,875 --> 00:06:22,083
I've been training my robo arms
to learn Italian.
115
00:06:22,166 --> 00:06:24,833
Pronto, pronto, prego, pasta.
116
00:06:24,916 --> 00:06:27,291
Not offensive to Italians at all.
117
00:06:28,875 --> 00:06:30,125
Ah, Cognito!
118
00:06:30,208 --> 00:06:32,083
- Cardinal.
- Peace be with you.
119
00:06:32,166 --> 00:06:33,375
And also with your spirit.
120
00:06:33,458 --> 00:06:36,875
This new chill pope is more blasphemous
than we thought.
121
00:06:36,958 --> 00:06:39,291
He's presiding over a gay dog wedding.
122
00:06:41,250 --> 00:06:45,083
I now pronounce you two good boys.
123
00:06:45,166 --> 00:06:47,833
I always cry at gay dog weddings.
124
00:06:47,916 --> 00:06:49,750
I give them six months.
125
00:06:50,666 --> 00:06:52,833
Wow, what a hot crowd!
126
00:06:53,416 --> 00:06:56,875
Excuse me, Mr. Pope,
can I try on your big, weird hat?
127
00:06:58,833 --> 00:07:00,291
Son of a bishop!
128
00:07:00,375 --> 00:07:01,375
He can't hear you.
129
00:07:01,416 --> 00:07:02,875
I built this Catholicizer
130
00:07:02,958 --> 00:07:06,583
to make anyone with an ounce
of Catholic in them extra judgmental.
131
00:07:07,083 --> 00:07:09,416
I'm a lapsed Catholic myself,
but if I got zapped,
132
00:07:09,500 --> 00:07:13,333
all that guilt I've suppressed
would just explode right out of me.
133
00:07:13,416 --> 00:07:16,125
That's me in the corner,
losing my religion.
134
00:07:16,625 --> 00:07:19,708
Aw. Hey, look at you
mixing business with pleasure.
135
00:07:19,791 --> 00:07:22,750
Yeah. I'll call it Biz-Leasure,
working title.
136
00:07:22,833 --> 00:07:25,208
Actually, I feel good about it.
Let's lock it in.
137
00:07:25,291 --> 00:07:28,416
Anyway, this guy'll be Catholic enough
to raise hell in a few hours.
138
00:07:28,500 --> 00:07:30,166
You said it was gonna take two seconds.
139
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:32,500
Ah, shoot. Illuminati.
140
00:07:32,583 --> 00:07:35,958
Jay-Z just got a hundredth problem
and he's freaking the fuck out.
141
00:07:36,041 --> 00:07:39,958
We're gonna be late for this dinner,
and I have something important to ask you.
142
00:07:43,083 --> 00:07:44,583
I could just speed things up a bit.
143
00:07:50,666 --> 00:07:52,916
Right?
You don't mind, Your Holiness.
144
00:07:53,458 --> 00:07:57,875
It's good, Reagan.
Forget about it! Mamma mia! Let's go!
145
00:08:00,458 --> 00:08:03,750
Oh, man.
If God is real, I'm fucked.
146
00:08:04,541 --> 00:08:07,500
I can't believe cheap-ass Rand
made us shadow lev
147
00:08:07,583 --> 00:08:10,375
all the way out
to the freakin' Denver Airport.
148
00:08:10,458 --> 00:08:13,458
How is the access point
for all shadow world air travel
149
00:08:13,541 --> 00:08:15,791
under this horse's big blue nuts?
150
00:08:15,875 --> 00:08:17,458
No one told you to look up.
151
00:08:29,083 --> 00:08:30,875
Pat-downs will be random
152
00:08:30,958 --> 00:08:34,125
in that we will randomly
pick someone that we do not like.
153
00:08:35,416 --> 00:08:40,083
The Denver Airport Shadow Terminal also
has security? But we run the whole world.
154
00:08:40,166 --> 00:08:41,541
We are in an airport.
155
00:08:41,625 --> 00:08:43,791
Even the Deep State can't beat TSA.
156
00:08:43,875 --> 00:08:47,250
God himself would have to put his laptop
in a separate bin.
157
00:08:47,333 --> 00:08:49,791
Heh. Watch and learn, soy boys.
158
00:08:49,875 --> 00:08:51,458
What's that?
159
00:08:51,541 --> 00:08:56,083
Did your metal detector
detect all my medals?
160
00:08:56,166 --> 00:08:57,541
Please remove your shoes.
161
00:08:57,625 --> 00:08:59,250
That won't be necessary, son.
162
00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:03,833
Let that man pass. He's a veteran.
163
00:09:03,916 --> 00:09:06,541
I'm the Searchin' General,
head of the TSA.
164
00:09:07,875 --> 00:09:09,000
I apologize for that.
165
00:09:09,083 --> 00:09:13,125
I would never hold up a man who used
to kill people and follow arbitrary rules.
166
00:09:13,208 --> 00:09:17,375
Damn right. I served selflessly
and I deserve royal treatment for it.
167
00:09:17,458 --> 00:09:19,500
Anything for a fellow military man.
168
00:09:20,250 --> 00:09:22,083
The fuck did you just say?
169
00:09:22,166 --> 00:09:25,791
The TSA are the unofficial
sixth branch of the military.
170
00:09:25,875 --> 00:09:30,625
Key words being "unofficial"
and, no, you aren't!
171
00:09:32,125 --> 00:09:35,375
Hawkins, take this man
to secondary inspection.
172
00:09:35,458 --> 00:09:38,375
I think he forgot to take off his shoes.
173
00:09:38,458 --> 00:09:39,291
Guys, wait!
174
00:09:39,375 --> 00:09:41,416
I'm experiencing consequences!
175
00:09:41,500 --> 00:09:44,083
Bye, Glenn. Enjoy the royal treatment.
176
00:09:47,166 --> 00:09:51,041
Hey, I bought you an Italian ice,
which I guess is just ice here?
177
00:09:51,125 --> 00:09:52,750
Yeah, this is just a bag of ice.
178
00:09:52,833 --> 00:09:54,333
No time. We've got reservations
179
00:09:54,416 --> 00:09:57,166
and I feel like this unwoke pope
is about to call me a...
180
00:09:57,250 --> 00:09:58,375
Streetwalker!
181
00:09:58,458 --> 00:09:59,458
Right on schedule.
182
00:09:59,500 --> 00:10:01,250
That should have taken way longer.
183
00:10:01,333 --> 00:10:03,000
Did I set the device up properly?
184
00:10:03,083 --> 00:10:05,250
I think you nailed it.
Let's change and get outta here.
185
00:10:07,958 --> 00:10:10,333
Wow, you invented a fanciness gun?
186
00:10:10,416 --> 00:10:13,250
I call it a blazer gun. Like laser gun.
187
00:10:13,333 --> 00:10:15,416
Technically it uses nanoparticles,
188
00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:17,500
but let's save the sexy talk
for after dinner.
189
00:10:17,583 --> 00:10:20,208
Yes. Whisper tech specs in my ear.
190
00:10:20,291 --> 00:10:25,458
So have you finally seen the wisdom
of the hell project, Your Holiness?
191
00:10:25,541 --> 00:10:29,041
Yes, Cardinal,
but showing the people hell below
192
00:10:29,125 --> 00:10:31,541
is just the beginning of God's wrath.
193
00:10:31,625 --> 00:10:34,583
We can accelerate Rome's Revelations.
194
00:10:36,041 --> 00:10:37,500
Whoa!
195
00:10:39,958 --> 00:10:42,750
What the actual hell?
196
00:10:42,833 --> 00:10:46,458
If you heathens
have lost your fear of hell after death,
197
00:10:46,541 --> 00:10:49,541
then I shall unleash hell on Earth.
198
00:10:49,625 --> 00:10:54,250
Let's get ready to humble!
199
00:11:01,625 --> 00:11:03,916
It's prayback time!
200
00:11:04,583 --> 00:11:06,750
We now pronounce you married.
201
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:07,958
- No!
- No!
202
00:11:08,041 --> 00:11:10,875
I knew I screwed something up
with the Catholicizer.
203
00:11:10,958 --> 00:11:13,625
Chill out. These things
were built by Disney nerds.
204
00:11:13,708 --> 00:11:15,458
No one's actually going to hell.
205
00:11:18,708 --> 00:11:22,458
Fuck! These animatronics
have gotten so realistic!
206
00:11:22,541 --> 00:11:24,375
Damn you, Bob Iger!
207
00:11:24,458 --> 00:11:27,500
Damn you and your commitment
to excellence!
208
00:11:29,916 --> 00:11:34,416
An earthquake and mysterious
winged creatures have rocked Vatican City.
209
00:11:39,125 --> 00:11:41,916
Holy shit!
210
00:11:42,791 --> 00:11:44,250
This is all my fault.
211
00:11:44,333 --> 00:11:48,958
I left to get you that romantic bag of ice
when I should have been manning my post.
212
00:11:49,041 --> 00:11:51,833
I mixed business with pleasure
and look what happened.
213
00:11:51,916 --> 00:11:53,541
But what about Biz-Leasure?
214
00:11:53,625 --> 00:11:55,750
It sounds so clunky now.
215
00:11:55,833 --> 00:11:57,291
Maybe it always did.
216
00:11:57,375 --> 00:12:00,375
- This is why I don't date.
- What?!
217
00:12:00,458 --> 00:12:04,750
That label-free couple
was holding hands!
218
00:12:04,833 --> 00:12:06,333
Fire the Vati-Cannon!
219
00:12:13,791 --> 00:12:15,666
Let me make sure the coast is clear.
220
00:12:19,250 --> 00:12:21,333
- Reagan!
- Listen, I need your advice.
221
00:12:21,416 --> 00:12:23,666
Rome is burning and so is my relationship.
222
00:12:23,750 --> 00:12:26,041
Staedtler just said he doesn't date!
223
00:12:26,708 --> 00:12:29,666
My God! He really used that line?
224
00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:32,875
If he tries to con you into some
polyamorous millennial bullshit,
225
00:12:32,958 --> 00:12:36,166
I will be very mad
and very horny about it!
226
00:12:36,250 --> 00:12:38,875
Maybe I just need to ask him
what our deal is, straight up.
227
00:12:38,958 --> 00:12:40,208
No, no, no, no, no.
228
00:12:40,291 --> 00:12:43,958
Would Johnnie Cochran ask a question
if he didn't already know the answer?
229
00:12:44,041 --> 00:12:47,083
No! Which is why
we were never officially engaged.
230
00:12:47,166 --> 00:12:50,000
So, I need to find out
if he wants to date me
231
00:12:50,083 --> 00:12:52,375
before I ask him if he wants to date me?
232
00:12:52,458 --> 00:12:53,708
Exactly.
233
00:12:53,791 --> 00:12:56,625
And then save Italy
from whatever the fuck you did to it.
234
00:13:00,958 --> 00:13:04,541
You can't just keep me in here
without rhyme or reason.
235
00:13:04,625 --> 00:13:06,625
This is the TSA,
236
00:13:06,708 --> 00:13:09,333
and the rules of our domain
are arbitrary and inconvenient,
237
00:13:09,416 --> 00:13:11,583
as decreed by the covenant of our origin.
238
00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,291
The year was 1903.
239
00:13:13,375 --> 00:13:15,708
The Wright brothers were preparing
for their maiden flight.
240
00:13:23,625 --> 00:13:25,000
Unfortunately, before take-off,
241
00:13:25,083 --> 00:13:28,708
the two idiot brothers betrayed him
to keep all the glory for themselves.
242
00:13:28,791 --> 00:13:31,708
On that day, Judas founded the TSA,
243
00:13:37,833 --> 00:13:41,833
And so the TSA branch of the military
was born.
244
00:13:41,916 --> 00:13:43,750
We've never had the respect we deserved,
245
00:13:43,833 --> 00:13:46,791
but a high-ranking general like you
could change that.
246
00:13:46,875 --> 00:13:50,250
Just say we're a branch of the military
and you're free.
247
00:13:50,333 --> 00:13:52,958
And I thought the Army
had loose psych requirements.
248
00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:55,083
Where'd you get that badge? The gift shop?
249
00:13:55,166 --> 00:13:56,416
Insolent worm!
250
00:13:56,500 --> 00:13:58,541
Just say we're a branch of the military.
Say it!
251
00:13:59,916 --> 00:14:02,958
More like the branch
of has-been Paul Blarts!
252
00:14:03,041 --> 00:14:04,041
That's enough!
253
00:14:04,833 --> 00:14:07,125
We'll find a way to break you, Dolphman.
254
00:14:07,208 --> 00:14:09,291
The TSA always does.
255
00:14:09,375 --> 00:14:11,458
No! Let me have my dignity!
256
00:14:11,541 --> 00:14:13,291
I earned it by killing people!
257
00:14:14,541 --> 00:14:17,750
I don't like it,
I don't like it, I don't like it!
258
00:14:17,833 --> 00:14:19,083
This is fixable.
259
00:14:21,875 --> 00:14:23,708
so you can unbrainwash the pope.
260
00:14:23,791 --> 00:14:26,125
I'd ask why the Vatican has secret doors,
261
00:14:26,208 --> 00:14:28,583
but I think the answer
would just bum me out.
262
00:14:28,666 --> 00:14:32,166
These secret passages all have
Da Vinci ass riddles to get through.
263
00:14:32,250 --> 00:14:34,000
"The Mouth of Truth."
264
00:14:34,583 --> 00:14:35,791
You stick your hand in
265
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:40,041
and then the legend says that if you lie,
it bites down until you tell the truth.
266
00:14:40,541 --> 00:14:41,875
Legend, my ass.
267
00:14:41,958 --> 00:14:44,708
Just some Renaissance era
Catholic security system.
268
00:14:44,791 --> 00:14:47,833
Try sticking your hand in
and I'll see if I can hack it.
269
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:52,791
Only the truth
will set you free.
270
00:14:52,875 --> 00:14:54,041
Uh, Reagan?
271
00:14:54,125 --> 00:14:55,208
Working on it.
272
00:14:55,291 --> 00:14:56,666
Maybe you should answer.
273
00:15:01,416 --> 00:15:04,000
Only the truth will set you free.
274
00:15:04,500 --> 00:15:08,875
I don't know. Maybe we should just,
uh, respect the mouth's process.
275
00:15:09,375 --> 00:15:11,000
Uh, totally normal follow-up.
276
00:15:11,083 --> 00:15:12,500
Why don't you date?
277
00:15:12,583 --> 00:15:14,291
What does that have to do with...
278
00:15:14,375 --> 00:15:17,291
Let's not forget whose arm
is in whose mouth.
279
00:15:17,375 --> 00:15:18,375
Okay, fine.
280
00:15:18,458 --> 00:15:21,541
The closer I let people get to me,
the more they get hurt.
281
00:15:21,625 --> 00:15:22,833
Can you just let me in?
282
00:15:22,916 --> 00:15:25,333
I could ask you
the same question, dude.
283
00:15:25,416 --> 00:15:30,833
But have you met anyone super-fun recently
that could maybe change your mind?
284
00:15:30,916 --> 00:15:33,500
Maybe, but then because I got distracted,
285
00:15:33,583 --> 00:15:36,291
the pope was throwing
gay puppies into hell.
286
00:15:36,375 --> 00:15:40,750
But if Rome got better, you would maybe
reconsider your stance on, like,
287
00:15:40,833 --> 00:15:44,958
labels and sleepovers
and just generally making it offish?
288
00:15:45,041 --> 00:15:46,916
Reagan, any progress?
289
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:50,166
Can you check to see if it's stuck
in some kind of prying mode?
290
00:15:52,333 --> 00:15:53,333
Check the hallway.
291
00:15:53,375 --> 00:15:55,583
This passage is not dragon-accessible.
292
00:15:55,666 --> 00:15:57,166
Shit. We gotta go.
293
00:15:57,916 --> 00:16:02,875
Oh, thank God. Much like our hotel room,
there's a lot to unpack there.
294
00:16:04,958 --> 00:16:07,125
One charger and it's broken?
295
00:16:07,208 --> 00:16:10,208
If I didn't know any better,
I'd say they're trying to torture us!
296
00:16:12,333 --> 00:16:15,916
No! There's such a thing
as too moisturized!
297
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:17,250
Agh!
298
00:16:17,333 --> 00:16:19,000
That sizzles!
299
00:16:19,083 --> 00:16:21,875
How are two Advils $68?
300
00:16:24,666 --> 00:16:27,666
Glenn, you son of a bitch!
You'll hang for this!
301
00:16:28,291 --> 00:16:31,166
Have you ever noticed inconveniences?
302
00:16:31,250 --> 00:16:36,208
Oh God! They're torturing us with dated
observational comedy about airline travel!
303
00:16:36,291 --> 00:16:38,000
Where's my suicide pill?
304
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:43,333
My God, you're a monster.
305
00:16:43,416 --> 00:16:45,166
I drafted a statement for you to sign,
306
00:16:48,791 --> 00:16:50,291
What's it gonna be?
307
00:16:50,875 --> 00:16:52,916
Social mores!
308
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,250
Death, take me now!
309
00:16:56,833 --> 00:16:59,125
Just FYI, if I fuck this up again,
310
00:16:59,208 --> 00:17:03,000
we're gonna have to collect the pope's
liquefied brain into little baggies
311
00:17:03,083 --> 00:17:04,625
and we can't fly with those.
312
00:17:04,708 --> 00:17:08,416
Ron, I should tell you. The real reason
I asked you on this trip is...
313
00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:11,875
To make me evil,
but in a fun, cinematic way?
314
00:17:11,958 --> 00:17:13,541
Thanks for that, by the way.
315
00:17:13,625 --> 00:17:15,541
What's he pontificating about?
316
00:17:15,625 --> 00:17:17,500
Nothing. Shut your forgiveness hole!
317
00:17:17,583 --> 00:17:20,708
It was this woman
that tampered with your device!
318
00:17:20,791 --> 00:17:24,583
Reagan? You're the reason
my Catholicizer went full Wahlberg?
319
00:17:24,666 --> 00:17:27,833
I can explain. I was horny and impatient?
320
00:17:27,916 --> 00:17:31,750
Now I am going to fulfill God's plan to...
321
00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:36,333
You sabotaged my equipment
and let me think I burned down Rome?
322
00:17:36,416 --> 00:17:40,958
Yes, but I was just trying to read
your mixed signals about relationships.
323
00:17:41,041 --> 00:17:43,166
I mean, what the hell are we even doing?
324
00:17:43,250 --> 00:17:45,791
You never mentioned that.
I'm not a mind-reader!
325
00:17:45,875 --> 00:17:47,791
Well, you're in a related field.
326
00:17:47,875 --> 00:17:48,958
Excuse me.
327
00:17:49,041 --> 00:17:52,333
Evil pope trying to get a word
in edgewise over here.
328
00:17:53,541 --> 00:17:55,958
- In your face!
- Agh!
329
00:17:56,041 --> 00:18:00,625
- Staedtler! Are you okay?
- The nuns in Catholic school were right.
330
00:18:00,708 --> 00:18:02,333
I'm going to hell!
331
00:18:02,416 --> 00:18:05,250
What? Would that make us
long-distance or...
332
00:18:05,333 --> 00:18:07,958
Guards! Banish these sinners to hell!
333
00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:10,666
No! Staedtler!
334
00:18:10,750 --> 00:18:12,125
I deserve this, Reagan.
335
00:18:12,208 --> 00:18:17,166
I scramble the brains of innocent people,
and I still quote Borat sometimes.
336
00:18:18,666 --> 00:18:20,166
Look! A woman's ankle!
337
00:18:21,250 --> 00:18:24,250
Jesu Christo! Ankle-Improstituticus!
338
00:18:24,333 --> 00:18:26,416
I'll come back for you!
339
00:18:35,333 --> 00:18:39,625
Hell, those Flamin' Hot Cheetos
commercials really nailed it.
340
00:18:43,375 --> 00:18:45,541
Only sinners may pass.
341
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:47,958
I just hacked
into all your social media accounts.
342
00:18:48,041 --> 00:18:49,333
If you don't let me through,
343
00:18:49,416 --> 00:18:54,000
then I will tweet your entire
search history, Jesusdaddy69.
344
00:18:57,375 --> 00:18:59,625
Wow, that was just a lucky guess.
345
00:18:59,708 --> 00:19:04,833
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
346
00:19:06,666 --> 00:19:09,125
No one tortures my team but me!
347
00:19:11,833 --> 00:19:14,416
Here's where you'll be detained.
348
00:19:14,500 --> 00:19:16,583
Unless your general bends the knee.
349
00:19:18,541 --> 00:19:21,625
I can't, and I won't!
350
00:19:21,708 --> 00:19:25,583
TSA! Seize him!
Like a medium-to-large electronic device!
351
00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:29,208
- Whoa!
- Your flight's been canceled!
352
00:19:29,291 --> 00:19:31,916
Prepare for a layover!
353
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:33,708
Welcome to Hudson News!
354
00:19:39,458 --> 00:19:41,833
Oh God! Retreat!
355
00:19:49,250 --> 00:19:52,375
Level Nine, guilt-ridden kidnapees.
356
00:19:54,166 --> 00:19:56,875
Wow. It is Hieronymus up in this Bosch.
357
00:19:57,541 --> 00:19:59,458
And it's not just what I do for work.
358
00:19:59,541 --> 00:20:03,041
I used to return VHS tapes
without rewinding.
359
00:20:03,125 --> 00:20:04,541
I don't even know why.
360
00:20:04,625 --> 00:20:05,958
I'm like the Joker.
361
00:20:06,041 --> 00:20:08,625
Hey, uh, I'm supposed to tag you out?
362
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:10,375
Oh, thank fucking Satan!
363
00:20:10,458 --> 00:20:14,250
This guy was just crying
over a ladybug he killed when he was six.
364
00:20:14,333 --> 00:20:16,083
Staedtler, we have to go.
365
00:20:16,833 --> 00:20:19,083
Reagan? I deserve this.
366
00:20:19,166 --> 00:20:23,875
I stole gum when I was four.
I coveted my neighbor's Sega Genesis.
367
00:20:23,958 --> 00:20:27,041
I'm the one who told Kanye about politics.
368
00:20:27,125 --> 00:20:29,541
You don't belong here. You're a great guy.
369
00:20:29,625 --> 00:20:30,958
I'm the screw-up.
370
00:20:31,041 --> 00:20:34,583
I liked you so much
that I invited you on this insane trip
371
00:20:34,666 --> 00:20:36,958
just to ask if you would be my boyfriend.
372
00:20:37,041 --> 00:20:39,250
Why didn't you just ask me in the closet?
373
00:20:39,333 --> 00:20:43,291
I was insecure and I...
I thought you'd say no.
374
00:20:43,375 --> 00:20:46,708
I definitely understand
if you don't want to date now, but I...
375
00:20:46,791 --> 00:20:48,208
I can't let you rot down here.
376
00:20:48,291 --> 00:20:50,125
I never said I didn't want to date you.
377
00:20:50,208 --> 00:20:52,458
I just assumed
you wouldn't want to date me.
378
00:20:52,541 --> 00:20:54,500
You're a brilliant scientist
379
00:20:54,583 --> 00:20:58,666
and I'm just a guy who's too fucked up
by the things I do for work
380
00:20:58,750 --> 00:21:00,083
to sleep at night.
381
00:21:00,166 --> 00:21:01,583
That's why I like you.
382
00:21:05,916 --> 00:21:08,166
You're the only one
who really sees through it all.
383
00:21:08,250 --> 00:21:10,541
So, I don't know,
maybe after we get out of here,
384
00:21:10,625 --> 00:21:12,250
when we stop that evil pope,
385
00:21:12,333 --> 00:21:14,250
we could be fucked up together?
386
00:21:18,916 --> 00:21:21,875
But premarital sex is so sinful.
387
00:21:21,958 --> 00:21:22,791
Uh-huh.
388
00:21:22,875 --> 00:21:24,375
And so hot.
389
00:21:25,458 --> 00:21:27,458
This is my crotch to bear.
390
00:21:34,208 --> 00:21:38,375
Just another Tuesday
for a military man!
391
00:21:38,958 --> 00:21:40,916
First of all, Glenn, it's Thursday.
392
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:44,916
We only got tortured in the first place
thanks to your veteran dick-swinging.
393
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:47,416
Eat my ass, GI Jackoff!
394
00:21:47,500 --> 00:21:49,750
Why won't anyone respect me?
395
00:21:49,833 --> 00:21:51,500
Not so easy, is it, General?
396
00:21:51,583 --> 00:21:54,083
Now you know how the TSA feels.
397
00:21:54,875 --> 00:22:00,250
I do respect your patriotism
and love of pointless rules.
398
00:22:00,333 --> 00:22:03,250
I can't make you
an official branch of the military,
399
00:22:03,333 --> 00:22:04,625
but I can give you these.
400
00:22:08,708 --> 00:22:10,000
Thank you, General.
401
00:22:10,083 --> 00:22:13,416
In fact, I think there's still time
for your squad to make that flight.
402
00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:16,041
- Rome, here we come!
- Rome, baby!
403
00:22:16,125 --> 00:22:17,750
Untie us, assholes!
404
00:22:17,833 --> 00:22:20,916
Shame! Shame! Shame!
405
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:22,833
Also guilt?
406
00:22:22,916 --> 00:22:24,250
Oh, Dio mio!
407
00:22:28,291 --> 00:22:32,083
You know, I think there's
something to this Biz-Leasure thing.
408
00:22:32,166 --> 00:22:34,833
Ready to undamn Rome from hell?
409
00:22:36,958 --> 00:22:42,000
♪ It makes my heart skip a beat
When you reach for me to hold ♪
410
00:22:42,083 --> 00:22:47,000
♪ Someone come to rescue me
Have mercy on my soul ♪
411
00:22:47,083 --> 00:22:48,375
♪ 'Cause I want ya ♪
412
00:22:48,458 --> 00:22:49,708
♪ And I need ya ♪
413
00:22:49,791 --> 00:22:53,416
♪ Do anything to please ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
414
00:22:54,208 --> 00:22:55,958
♪ Can I call you baby? ♪
415
00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:59,208
The pope should chill out again
in a few hours.
416
00:23:05,958 --> 00:23:08,666
Abortions! Get your abortions here!
417
00:23:09,250 --> 00:23:11,458
Ron, this day has been amazing.
418
00:23:11,541 --> 00:23:14,500
Should we do something
impulsive and romantic?
419
00:23:14,583 --> 00:23:16,041
Really? You mean...
420
00:23:17,208 --> 00:23:20,291
By the power vested in me by me,
421
00:23:20,375 --> 00:23:23,958
I now pronounce you two very good boys.
422
00:23:24,041 --> 00:23:26,500
You may now share a plate of spaghetti,
423
00:23:26,583 --> 00:23:29,208
which is Italian dog-romance custom.
424
00:23:30,375 --> 00:23:34,458
So I'm not just a boyfriend.
I'm like a wedding date boyfriend.
425
00:23:34,541 --> 00:23:36,958
Yeah. It's always good
to have someone at a wedding to...
426
00:23:37,041 --> 00:23:39,916
Talk shit about everybody there.
427
00:23:45,625 --> 00:23:50,083
I think Jesus looks cut in his loincloth
and I can't tell if that's a sin or not!
428
00:23:53,666 --> 00:23:55,958
Keep the weird European change.
429
00:23:56,041 --> 00:23:58,791
I'm gonna Instagram myself
holding up that leaning tower.
430
00:23:58,875 --> 00:24:00,750
I bet no one's ever done that!
431
00:24:00,833 --> 00:24:03,416
I'm gonna find an organ grinder
with a monkey!
432
00:24:03,500 --> 00:24:07,333
I don't care what you do.
I'm just glad we are finally...
433
00:24:11,375 --> 00:24:13,833
We're gonna have to cover all this up,
aren't we?
434
00:24:13,916 --> 00:24:14,958
Goddamn it!
435
00:24:45,916 --> 00:24:49,583
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