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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:12,500 --> 00:00:14,666 Bulimia. 2 00:00:14,750 --> 00:00:16,041 So brave. 3 00:00:16,125 --> 00:00:17,833 Let's take a silent moment and... 4 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,125 Goddamn it, they're at it again. 5 00:00:23,208 --> 00:00:25,541 Great. Now I'm going to have nightmares. 6 00:00:28,125 --> 00:00:30,875 Yeah, I think therapy is definitely working. 7 00:00:30,958 --> 00:00:33,333 You know what? I think I need some more therapy. 8 00:00:33,958 --> 00:00:36,000 Anything you'd like to share with the group? 9 00:00:36,083 --> 00:00:39,833 Oh, yeah. I... I was just looking for my Tic Tacs, which I... 10 00:00:39,916 --> 00:00:41,416 Which she left in my mouth. 11 00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:43,416 We left Tic Tacs in each other's mouths. 12 00:00:43,500 --> 00:00:44,580 - Good save. - Gotta commit. 13 00:00:44,625 --> 00:00:47,416 Reagan, this is what we call a coping mechanism. 14 00:00:47,500 --> 00:00:50,083 If you're not careful, it can become an addiction. 15 00:00:50,166 --> 00:00:52,041 Ron isn't an addiction. 16 00:00:52,125 --> 00:00:53,916 He's a healthy distraction. 17 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:55,833 We all have groping mechanisms. 18 00:00:55,916 --> 00:00:59,416 I mean, uh, coping. We were definitely coping in there. 19 00:00:59,500 --> 00:01:02,708 Groping mechanisms. You dork. 20 00:01:02,791 --> 00:01:06,458 Look, if you don't rejoin the group, I'm going to... One second. 21 00:01:07,333 --> 00:01:08,416 Class dismissed. 22 00:01:10,875 --> 00:01:12,666 Do you validate parking? 23 00:01:13,875 --> 00:01:16,875 Damn it, Myc. I said rose quartz. 24 00:01:16,958 --> 00:01:19,291 Glenn, feng shui that lamp. 25 00:01:19,375 --> 00:01:20,500 Feng-ier, goddamn it. 26 00:01:21,875 --> 00:01:22,875 What's going on? 27 00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:25,583 Why is there potpourri in the document shredder? 28 00:01:25,666 --> 00:01:28,541 Tamiko said she was coming by today with some big news. 29 00:01:31,583 --> 00:01:32,708 One means divorce. 30 00:01:32,791 --> 00:01:34,000 Two means she's driving. 31 00:01:34,083 --> 00:01:35,916 Three, a hook-up is imminent. 32 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:38,250 I lost your mother when I lost my job. 33 00:01:38,333 --> 00:01:42,166 Now that I'm on top again, she's remembered that I'm the one. 34 00:01:43,583 --> 00:01:46,791 Your mother is about to walk through that door and say... 35 00:01:46,875 --> 00:01:49,666 Who wants to meet my new boyfriend? 36 00:01:50,541 --> 00:01:53,208 ♪ Standing on a fault line ♪ 37 00:01:59,291 --> 00:02:00,750 Keanu Reeves! 38 00:02:00,833 --> 00:02:03,333 The star of John Wick 2 and 3? 39 00:02:03,416 --> 00:02:04,875 And John Wick 4. 40 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:07,958 Sorry we're late. We got stuck in traffic making love. 41 00:02:08,041 --> 00:02:10,666 Oh, don't be vulgar. We were boning. 42 00:02:13,166 --> 00:02:15,833 Well, you were right about her finding "the one." 43 00:02:16,375 --> 00:02:20,833 - You know, like from The Matrix, The One. - Mother... 44 00:02:43,625 --> 00:02:45,333 ...fucker. 45 00:02:45,416 --> 00:02:48,750 Well, he is fucking Reagan's mother. So yes, motherfucker. 46 00:02:48,833 --> 00:02:53,333 Holy shit. Your mom is having a sexcellent adventure with Bill and Ted? 47 00:02:53,416 --> 00:02:56,791 Mom. You just got married to yourself and now you're dating a celebrity? 48 00:02:56,875 --> 00:02:59,083 How did he even get past security? 49 00:02:59,708 --> 00:03:02,875 Oh, great bunch of guys. They asked me to sign their machine guns. 50 00:03:02,958 --> 00:03:03,875 Yeah! 51 00:03:03,958 --> 00:03:07,750 Nunu and I met when he signed on to star in the movie of my book. 52 00:03:07,833 --> 00:03:10,833 We've been an A-list power couple ever since. 53 00:03:10,916 --> 00:03:14,666 I just wanted to come by and tell you that the premiere is this weekend. 54 00:03:14,750 --> 00:03:15,833 And we're all invited? 55 00:03:15,916 --> 00:03:17,333 What? No, I'm just telling you. 56 00:03:17,416 --> 00:03:18,791 - You must be Rand. - Huh? 57 00:03:18,875 --> 00:03:20,791 I've heard so much about your journey. 58 00:03:20,875 --> 00:03:23,458 Sh, sh, sh. Let the anger go. 59 00:03:24,041 --> 00:03:25,208 Here. Have a lotus. 60 00:03:25,291 --> 00:03:28,458 I don't put these in my pockets. They just grow there spontaneously. 61 00:03:29,833 --> 00:03:32,083 This will never last. Tell her, Reagan. 62 00:03:32,166 --> 00:03:33,541 Why should I listen to Reagan? 63 00:03:33,625 --> 00:03:36,083 She's never been supportive about my relationships. 64 00:03:36,166 --> 00:03:38,833 What? I have always... Uh... 65 00:03:38,916 --> 00:03:42,083 Mom, you can't date the pool boy. You're just gonna get hurt. 66 00:03:42,166 --> 00:03:45,583 Mom, you can't date Richard Branson. You're just gonna get hurt. 67 00:03:45,666 --> 00:03:49,458 Mom, you can't date the entire cast of Cirque du Soleil. 68 00:03:49,541 --> 00:03:52,250 Someone's going to get hurt. That guy is juggling fire. 69 00:03:52,958 --> 00:03:56,791 Actually, Mom, I've been opening myself up to new relationships lately, 70 00:03:56,875 --> 00:03:59,958 and I think that it's beautiful that you are too. 71 00:04:00,041 --> 00:04:03,000 Oh, Reagan. That is so unlike you. In a good way. 72 00:04:03,083 --> 00:04:07,125 And I want you to know that I would never dream of trying to replace your father. 73 00:04:07,208 --> 00:04:09,583 It's not totally off the table, right? 74 00:04:10,958 --> 00:04:12,833 Koko, do you mind if we head back to LA? 75 00:04:12,916 --> 00:04:16,166 I'm feeling drained from squinting meaningfully into the distance. 76 00:04:16,250 --> 00:04:19,500 Of course. He's on a Hollywood all-liquid diet. 77 00:04:19,583 --> 00:04:22,458 I feel blessed to have met you and I hope you don't mind, 78 00:04:22,541 --> 00:04:25,583 but I took the liberty of replacing all the cars in the parking lot 79 00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:27,000 with new Teslas. 80 00:04:27,583 --> 00:04:28,916 - Wow! - Seriously? 81 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:30,625 I love Keanu Reeves. 82 00:04:33,375 --> 00:04:34,208 New mission. 83 00:04:34,291 --> 00:04:38,541 Reagan, as your boss and father, I order you to destroy that relationship. 84 00:04:38,625 --> 00:04:39,875 What? Fuck no. 85 00:04:39,958 --> 00:04:41,291 It's for her own good. 86 00:04:41,375 --> 00:04:44,041 Trust me. Everyone in Hollywood is a monstrous creep 87 00:04:44,125 --> 00:04:45,416 with a dark-ass secret. 88 00:04:45,500 --> 00:04:48,250 Did you see how he hypnotized me? He might not even be human. 89 00:04:48,333 --> 00:04:50,333 Face it. Mom just wants young blood. 90 00:04:50,416 --> 00:04:52,083 My blood's plenty young. 91 00:04:52,166 --> 00:04:57,541 Last week, the doctor said your blood was 4% cigarette ash, and 9% STDs. 92 00:04:57,625 --> 00:05:01,750 I am not sabotaging Mom's happiness because you got replaced by a hotter guy. 93 00:05:01,833 --> 00:05:04,750 - Where are you going? - I have a coping mechanism. 94 00:05:05,916 --> 00:05:08,041 Yes, girl! Go get it, honey! 95 00:05:08,541 --> 00:05:10,166 She's finally getting laid, right? 96 00:05:10,250 --> 00:05:11,267 - Yeah. - Definitely. 97 00:05:11,291 --> 00:05:12,750 - Thank God. - Good for all of us. 98 00:05:15,125 --> 00:05:17,041 I'm gonna make a fucking movie too. 99 00:05:17,125 --> 00:05:20,000 I'm gonna show Tamiko that I'm a badass leading man. 100 00:05:20,083 --> 00:05:21,083 Leading man? 101 00:05:21,166 --> 00:05:24,208 No offense, but you look like Willem Dafoe fucked a meth needle. 102 00:05:24,291 --> 00:05:27,583 True. My years of living awesomely have taken their toll. 103 00:05:27,666 --> 00:05:30,083 Andre. You've got an hour to whip up a youth serum. 104 00:05:30,166 --> 00:05:32,583 I want my face so young you could eat off of it. 105 00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:35,791 Myc, write a badass action script to highlight my sexiness. 106 00:05:35,875 --> 00:05:40,416 I've already got the title. The Chronicles of Rand-dick. 107 00:05:40,500 --> 00:05:42,333 Sounded better in my head. 108 00:05:42,416 --> 00:05:44,583 Glenn, teach me fight choreography. 109 00:05:44,666 --> 00:05:46,666 Call me Dolphin Lundgren. 110 00:05:46,750 --> 00:05:50,166 Rand, it takes more than looks and nunchucks to make a movie. 111 00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:51,250 You need names. 112 00:05:51,291 --> 00:05:53,333 You're right. I need cred. 113 00:05:53,416 --> 00:05:56,375 Someone whose name means Oscar gold. Someone like... 114 00:05:56,458 --> 00:05:59,083 Leonardo DiCaprio. He's an inspiration. 115 00:05:59,166 --> 00:06:02,708 He taught me that recycling is also for guys with abs. 116 00:06:02,791 --> 00:06:06,291 Sold! Brett, use your natural douche instincts to track down Leo 117 00:06:06,375 --> 00:06:07,666 and get him on board. 118 00:06:07,750 --> 00:06:11,750 Okay, people, like I said to Tonya Harding when she asked me for career advice, 119 00:06:11,833 --> 00:06:13,166 let's break some legs! 120 00:06:15,416 --> 00:06:16,583 Let me get that. 121 00:06:16,666 --> 00:06:20,875 Your arms should only be used for realistic gunplay and hugging my mom. 122 00:06:20,958 --> 00:06:23,958 Reagan. This visit was such a nice idea. 123 00:06:24,041 --> 00:06:26,916 You've never wanted to hang out with any of my boyfriends. 124 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:28,625 Well, none of them were Keanu. 125 00:06:28,708 --> 00:06:32,333 I've been a fan ever since I made my own Matrix when I was eight. 126 00:06:32,416 --> 00:06:34,416 We might all still be in it. 127 00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:36,833 Oh, shoot. I forgot the rice crackers. 128 00:06:36,916 --> 00:06:38,583 Be right back, Koko. 129 00:06:39,791 --> 00:06:43,916 Tasteful minimalism, a courtyard full of motorcycles. 130 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,000 His own private Idaho-shaped pool. 131 00:06:46,083 --> 00:06:48,541 After dating so many billionaires, 132 00:06:48,625 --> 00:06:51,125 his millionaire lifestyle keeps me grounded. 133 00:06:51,208 --> 00:06:52,625 Well, I'm proud of you, Mom. 134 00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:58,416 Uh, what is this? We about to kill a spider together? 135 00:06:58,500 --> 00:07:02,375 I want you to come to the premiere with us as my guest of honor. 136 00:07:02,458 --> 00:07:03,583 Wait, really? 137 00:07:03,666 --> 00:07:06,416 You always find some kind of fault with my boyfriends, 138 00:07:06,500 --> 00:07:08,625 but for once, you're supporting me. 139 00:07:08,708 --> 00:07:10,166 And I want to support you. 140 00:07:10,250 --> 00:07:12,083 I don't know what to say. 141 00:07:12,166 --> 00:07:15,291 Say you'll get me another quinoa mimosa. 142 00:07:15,375 --> 00:07:16,291 On it. 143 00:07:17,541 --> 00:07:19,250 Rand was so wrong. 144 00:07:19,333 --> 00:07:22,750 Hollywood people aren't creeps. At the end of the day, they're just... 145 00:07:24,250 --> 00:07:25,416 Keanu? 146 00:07:37,583 --> 00:07:39,250 What was that? 147 00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:41,416 Is Keanu Reeves some kind of a vampire? 148 00:07:41,500 --> 00:07:42,791 Are vampires real? 149 00:07:42,875 --> 00:07:45,333 Am I spiraling? Is all of this out loud? 150 00:07:45,416 --> 00:07:47,416 Reagan, is everything all right? 151 00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:50,750 You look like you've seen a ghost, or an adjacent undead creature. 152 00:07:50,833 --> 00:07:54,750 Excuse me. I was just drinking a box of Juicy Juice. 153 00:07:54,833 --> 00:07:57,875 Keanu, I just invited Reagan to be our guest at the premiere. 154 00:07:57,958 --> 00:07:59,750 She's so excited, she's sweating. 155 00:07:59,833 --> 00:08:01,958 Uh, yeah, this is not gonna suck. 156 00:08:02,041 --> 00:08:04,625 I mean, bite. I mean, let's do it! 157 00:08:04,708 --> 00:08:08,708 When you see the movie, Reagan, you will just die. 158 00:08:11,583 --> 00:08:13,208 Oops! Down, Keanu. 159 00:08:13,291 --> 00:08:18,291 I named my cat Keanu after the movie Keanu about a cat named after me, Keanu. 160 00:08:18,375 --> 00:08:20,375 Quiet on the set. 161 00:08:20,458 --> 00:08:21,708 That includes thinking. 162 00:08:21,791 --> 00:08:24,041 I'm psychic, you idiots. 163 00:08:24,125 --> 00:08:25,500 Gigi, random question, 164 00:08:25,583 --> 00:08:29,666 but is it normal for celebrities to get blood transfusions in, um, coffins? 165 00:08:29,750 --> 00:08:31,000 I got a better question. 166 00:08:31,083 --> 00:08:34,333 Are you getting laid? 'Cause, girl, you are glowing. 167 00:08:34,416 --> 00:08:37,041 I got some outfits that'll match that horny glow. 168 00:08:37,125 --> 00:08:40,125 What? No. Why are you always trying to make me over? 169 00:08:40,208 --> 00:08:42,833 Why does Banksy want to make art out of boring walls? 170 00:08:42,916 --> 00:08:44,375 The challenge. 171 00:08:44,458 --> 00:08:46,125 Listen, my mom is in big trouble. 172 00:08:46,208 --> 00:08:48,541 Can you help me dig up any dirt on Keanu Reeves? 173 00:08:48,625 --> 00:08:52,708 I could try, but dark Hollywood shit is the Illuminati's turf 174 00:08:52,791 --> 00:08:55,500 and those assholes won't let me near their headquarters. 175 00:08:55,583 --> 00:08:57,166 The Illuminati, huh? 176 00:08:59,791 --> 00:09:01,458 ♪ VIP entry ♪ 177 00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:03,541 ♪ 'Cause you know what I'm into... ♪ 178 00:09:04,250 --> 00:09:05,916 Okay, Brett. Remember the plan. 179 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:07,375 Track down Leo DiCaprio, 180 00:09:07,458 --> 00:09:10,791 lure him into Rand's movie, and become his best friend. 181 00:09:11,375 --> 00:09:13,750 Who's ready to party like Ed Hardy? 182 00:09:15,208 --> 00:09:16,708 Ooh. 183 00:09:16,791 --> 00:09:21,208 Excuse me, broseppi, does my boy Leo D still hang out here? 184 00:09:21,291 --> 00:09:25,083 Yeah, not since he won his Oscar. But he left a bunch of garbage behind. 185 00:09:25,166 --> 00:09:26,333 Those guys? 186 00:09:26,416 --> 00:09:30,083 Tobey Maguire, David Blaine, Lukas Haas, and Q-Tip, 187 00:09:30,166 --> 00:09:33,333 his old crew, aka the Pussy Posse. 188 00:09:33,416 --> 00:09:36,500 The legendary pickup artists from the early aughts? 189 00:09:36,583 --> 00:09:38,500 I thought my older brother made them up. 190 00:09:38,583 --> 00:09:40,041 Where are you going? 191 00:09:40,125 --> 00:09:42,625 Don't make me hold my breath till you come back. 192 00:09:42,708 --> 00:09:45,000 I've done dumber things for much longer! 193 00:09:45,083 --> 00:09:46,708 Wazzup, home dogs. 194 00:09:46,791 --> 00:09:49,666 Looks like you're one white dude short of a full posse. 195 00:09:49,750 --> 00:09:52,791 David disappeared Connolly in a magic accident. 196 00:09:52,875 --> 00:09:54,041 R-I-P. 197 00:09:54,125 --> 00:09:55,666 Yo, don't step to me, Tobey. 198 00:09:55,750 --> 00:09:57,458 I'll turn you back into an owl. 199 00:09:57,541 --> 00:10:00,833 Well, I've been known to have a few tricks up my sleeve too. 200 00:10:00,916 --> 00:10:02,541 Check this out. 201 00:10:03,041 --> 00:10:05,666 This is the life, huh? 202 00:10:05,750 --> 00:10:06,750 Agh! 203 00:10:06,791 --> 00:10:08,250 Hmm. 204 00:10:08,750 --> 00:10:11,458 Just guys being dudes. 205 00:10:11,541 --> 00:10:13,916 I admire your shamelessness. 206 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,583 What did you say your name was? 207 00:10:15,666 --> 00:10:20,000 It's Blaive... Brett... ford... stein. 208 00:10:20,083 --> 00:10:21,416 Blaive Brettfordstein. 209 00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:23,833 Hm. We've been burned before, Blaive. 210 00:10:23,916 --> 00:10:27,083 Some people think they can use us to get to Leo. 211 00:10:27,166 --> 00:10:29,333 What? I would never. 212 00:10:29,416 --> 00:10:31,625 But if we hang out, I will meet him, right? 213 00:10:31,708 --> 00:10:34,416 First you got to prove you're posse material. 214 00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:37,208 Pussy Posse party protocol. 215 00:10:41,791 --> 00:10:43,958 His muscles, huge. 216 00:10:44,541 --> 00:10:46,958 His alcoholism, charming. 217 00:10:47,541 --> 00:10:49,708 He's ready to get back together. 218 00:10:49,791 --> 00:10:51,875 If you can handle it. 219 00:10:58,333 --> 00:11:00,791 Yippee-ki-yay, mother of my child. 220 00:11:00,875 --> 00:11:01,916 Cut. 221 00:11:02,791 --> 00:11:05,791 He's jiggling in the wind. Can we turn the fans down? 222 00:11:05,875 --> 00:11:09,791 Goddamn it! This company managed to cover up Mr. Rogers' Vietnam sniper count. 223 00:11:09,875 --> 00:11:12,083 Can't we cover up my fucking man boobs? 224 00:11:12,166 --> 00:11:13,916 Andre! I need that youth serum. 225 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:15,375 Are you sure? 226 00:11:15,458 --> 00:11:17,618 I didn't check the expiration date on these stem cells. 227 00:11:17,666 --> 00:11:20,458 I'm not getting any younger, and neither is my scrotum. 228 00:11:22,583 --> 00:11:24,333 If he dies, I get the Army. 229 00:11:24,416 --> 00:11:26,000 No fair. I want the Army! 230 00:11:31,833 --> 00:11:35,791 Holy shit! I look 25 to 30, and check out that ass. 231 00:11:35,875 --> 00:11:37,833 I don't want to, but I can't stop staring. 232 00:11:37,916 --> 00:11:41,166 Writers. I want 20... No, 30 more sex scenes. 233 00:11:41,250 --> 00:11:44,125 Already so many. Goddamn it. 234 00:11:46,750 --> 00:11:49,416 You know a man on the inside of the Illuminati? 235 00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:51,250 This is some Deep Throat shit. 236 00:11:51,333 --> 00:11:53,250 We don't know each other very well. 237 00:11:54,125 --> 00:11:56,666 - Reagan. - Gigi, this is my source, Staedtler. 238 00:11:57,291 --> 00:12:00,083 Oh, you two are banging, aren't you? 239 00:12:00,166 --> 00:12:01,375 - What? - What? No. 240 00:12:01,458 --> 00:12:03,791 - No, we are not. - I'm sorry. Gross. 241 00:12:03,875 --> 00:12:05,555 - No offense. - Does anybody else say that? 242 00:12:05,583 --> 00:12:06,833 Why would you think that? 243 00:12:06,916 --> 00:12:10,875 This really is some Deep Throat shit. I love it, honey. 244 00:12:10,958 --> 00:12:14,833 Gigi. He's from a rival company. You can't tell anyone. 245 00:12:14,916 --> 00:12:15,791 About the banging? 246 00:12:15,875 --> 00:12:17,583 Definitely not about the banging. 247 00:12:17,666 --> 00:12:19,541 Can everyone stop saying the word "banging"? 248 00:12:19,625 --> 00:12:20,916 Shh! 249 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,750 I grabbed every Keanu file in the Illuminati archive. 250 00:12:25,541 --> 00:12:27,125 Okay, that's Keanu now, 251 00:12:27,208 --> 00:12:30,958 and here he is in Bram Stoker's Dracula in 1992. 252 00:12:31,041 --> 00:12:32,541 He's barely aged a day. 253 00:12:34,125 --> 00:12:35,791 How old are these photos? 254 00:12:35,875 --> 00:12:37,375 And who are all these women? 255 00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:39,333 Hollywood Immortals? 256 00:12:39,416 --> 00:12:42,125 The Illuminati has spread their message using the charisma of actors 257 00:12:42,208 --> 00:12:43,833 for centuries, but get this. 258 00:12:43,916 --> 00:12:47,916 They found a way to keep them alive so their star power never dies. 259 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,125 Hollywood's leading men are making themselves immortal 260 00:12:51,208 --> 00:12:53,083 using the blood of young women! 261 00:12:53,166 --> 00:12:54,875 They're all hundreds of years old. 262 00:12:54,958 --> 00:12:57,000 Every ageless leading man is one of them. 263 00:12:57,083 --> 00:12:59,875 Nicolas Cage, Brad Pitt, Larry David, 264 00:12:59,958 --> 00:13:02,333 and the most bloodthirsty of them all, 265 00:13:02,416 --> 00:13:04,333 Leonardo DiCaprio. 266 00:13:04,416 --> 00:13:06,833 That's why they all date 19-year-old models 267 00:13:06,916 --> 00:13:08,208 who we never see again. 268 00:13:08,291 --> 00:13:09,375 For their blood! 269 00:13:09,458 --> 00:13:11,583 Shit. I have to go to my next cleanup job. 270 00:13:11,666 --> 00:13:14,666 Someone on the Internet found out Margot Robbie is CGI. 271 00:13:14,750 --> 00:13:15,750 Call me later? 272 00:13:16,250 --> 00:13:18,916 Reagan, you've gotta tell Tamiko the truth about Keanu Reeves 273 00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:21,000 before he drinks her through a crazy straw. 274 00:13:21,083 --> 00:13:21,958 I can't. 275 00:13:22,041 --> 00:13:25,916 If I tell her, she's just gonna assume I'm being old unsupportive Reagan. 276 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,291 It'll just drive them closer together. 277 00:13:28,375 --> 00:13:31,208 Mom is gonna have to find out from somebody that she trusts. 278 00:13:31,291 --> 00:13:34,916 Goddamn it, Rad Ridley. You punched the president to death. 279 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:38,375 You better not be having hot sex right now. 280 00:13:40,041 --> 00:13:43,375 The flag's not the only thing at half-mast. 281 00:13:44,375 --> 00:13:46,541 Huh? Wait, what the hell is going on? 282 00:13:52,500 --> 00:13:54,333 Shit. Fucking fuck. Fuck! 283 00:13:54,833 --> 00:13:57,000 Okay, that's a cut. 284 00:13:57,083 --> 00:13:58,416 Shit! Andre! 285 00:13:58,500 --> 00:14:00,625 You only gave me an hour to make the serum. 286 00:14:00,708 --> 00:14:02,625 Well, our continuity is fucked. 287 00:14:02,708 --> 00:14:05,250 You seem like the kind of guy who cares about continuity. 288 00:14:05,333 --> 00:14:06,892 It's the only thing that matters. 289 00:14:06,916 --> 00:14:08,583 Before you Benjamin Buttoned me, 290 00:14:08,666 --> 00:14:12,291 I was well on my way to smashing box office records and my wife. 291 00:14:12,375 --> 00:14:16,458 Now, I just have a powerful urge to smash brightly-colored blocks together. 292 00:14:16,541 --> 00:14:18,416 I want an Oscar! 293 00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:21,541 How? At this rate, we're filming goddamn Boss Baby. 294 00:14:21,625 --> 00:14:24,333 Well, this baby is still your boss, 295 00:14:24,416 --> 00:14:27,875 and I'll kick your dick through your head unless we finish this movie. 296 00:14:27,958 --> 00:14:30,083 Don't forget I have the nuclear codes. 297 00:14:30,166 --> 00:14:31,000 Furthermore... 298 00:14:31,083 --> 00:14:31,958 Wah! 299 00:14:32,041 --> 00:14:34,541 Where the fuck is Brett with DiCaprio? 300 00:14:34,625 --> 00:14:37,541 All right, Blaive, to prove you're Leo material, 301 00:14:37,625 --> 00:14:40,666 go run game on those 9.7s at the bar. 302 00:14:40,750 --> 00:14:43,500 Hey, I'm Blaive. 303 00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:44,625 I like your Birkin. 304 00:14:44,708 --> 00:14:46,583 My mom had one like it for her pills. 305 00:14:46,666 --> 00:14:48,041 Oh my gosh. 306 00:14:48,125 --> 00:14:50,541 You're so sweet and hot, 307 00:14:50,625 --> 00:14:53,041 but, like, non-threatening, like a cousin, 308 00:14:53,125 --> 00:14:54,583 but still kind of hot. 309 00:14:54,666 --> 00:14:58,208 Whoa. What's that thing he's doing while he's waiting to talk? 310 00:14:58,291 --> 00:15:01,166 I think he's listening. 311 00:15:01,250 --> 00:15:02,166 Sorcery! 312 00:15:02,250 --> 00:15:04,916 Blaive, what's your secret? 313 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:08,875 Well, first off, one helpful tip is to think of a woman as a person. 314 00:15:08,958 --> 00:15:10,791 - Did he just say that? - My mind is blown. 315 00:15:10,875 --> 00:15:13,166 Everything I know is wrong! 316 00:15:13,250 --> 00:15:15,625 Womanizing is our entire identity. 317 00:15:15,708 --> 00:15:18,583 Could we even still call ourselves the Pussy Posse? 318 00:15:18,666 --> 00:15:21,291 You sure can, with one of these. 319 00:15:23,833 --> 00:15:25,125 I'm getting on Etsy. 320 00:15:25,208 --> 00:15:28,250 How about we go show off our newfound wisdom to Leo, huh? 321 00:15:28,875 --> 00:15:33,375 Sorry, Blaive. Truth is, Leo kicked us to the curb when he won that Oscar. 322 00:15:33,458 --> 00:15:35,541 "Never let go" my ass. 323 00:15:35,625 --> 00:15:37,375 He's got a new posse now. 324 00:15:37,458 --> 00:15:40,416 Oh, okay. Well, do you know where they hang out? 325 00:15:42,333 --> 00:15:44,791 Hell yeah, is this "Baby Shark"? 326 00:15:44,875 --> 00:15:48,375 Did you know the guy who wrote "Baby Shark" killed his wife in 1998? 327 00:15:48,458 --> 00:15:51,416 Oh, this song is horseshit. Play it again, though. 328 00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:53,208 We got coordinates on Leo. 329 00:15:53,291 --> 00:15:55,375 Then let's go shoot that fight scene. 330 00:15:55,458 --> 00:15:58,250 Okay, but I think we should bring boostie. 331 00:15:58,333 --> 00:16:00,000 No boostie! 332 00:16:02,583 --> 00:16:04,791 Keanu's on the move. Go break up with your mom. 333 00:16:08,541 --> 00:16:09,375 How do I look? 334 00:16:09,458 --> 00:16:12,375 Vaguely Asian, but not in the way that threatens Middle America. 335 00:16:12,458 --> 00:16:15,833 Perfect. Whoa. Whoa. Wow. 336 00:16:15,916 --> 00:16:17,458 No, that's Owen Wilson. 337 00:16:17,541 --> 00:16:20,083 Whoa. Okay. I've got it. 338 00:16:21,541 --> 00:16:25,791 Nunu? You just left. And why are you ringing your own doorbell? 339 00:16:25,875 --> 00:16:29,250 Uh, because I need this to be official. 340 00:16:29,333 --> 00:16:31,625 Tamiko, I'm breaking up with you. 341 00:16:31,708 --> 00:16:35,458 What? But we just made passionate love in the Idaho pool. 342 00:16:35,541 --> 00:16:36,916 Look, fine. 343 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:40,958 You need to leave because I'm actually a 400-year-old Immortal 344 00:16:41,041 --> 00:16:42,583 and I want to suck your blood. 345 00:16:42,666 --> 00:16:45,041 Oh my God, I understand. 346 00:16:45,833 --> 00:16:48,833 This is sexy role-play. 347 00:16:48,916 --> 00:16:51,791 Suck me dry, you immortal fuck demon! 348 00:16:51,875 --> 00:16:53,250 Agh, Mom. Stop it! 349 00:16:53,333 --> 00:16:55,250 Oh, shit. 350 00:16:55,333 --> 00:16:56,750 Wait. Mom? 351 00:16:59,666 --> 00:17:01,250 Reagan! I should have known. 352 00:17:01,333 --> 00:17:04,333 You've been judging me this entire time, again. 353 00:17:04,416 --> 00:17:05,666 No, this is different. 354 00:17:05,750 --> 00:17:08,875 Keanu is some kind of science vampire. I can prove it. 355 00:17:08,958 --> 00:17:11,916 How could you do this? I finally found a keeper. 356 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,666 Yeah, a Crypt Keeper. 357 00:17:13,750 --> 00:17:15,291 You're just like your father. 358 00:17:15,375 --> 00:17:17,000 You won't work on our relationship, 359 00:17:17,083 --> 00:17:20,458 but there's no amount of work you won't do to make sure I'm not happy. 360 00:17:20,541 --> 00:17:21,833 - That is not what... - Just go. 361 00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:24,375 And do not show your face at tonight's premiere. 362 00:17:25,458 --> 00:17:27,000 Or Keanu's face. 363 00:17:27,666 --> 00:17:28,500 The premiere! 364 00:17:28,583 --> 00:17:32,000 She's going to walk right into a den of A-list vampires. 365 00:17:32,958 --> 00:17:34,000 I'm all out of options. 366 00:17:34,083 --> 00:17:37,500 If I want to save my mom, I have to do what The Lake House couldn't. 367 00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:39,916 Kill Keanu Reeves. 368 00:17:41,875 --> 00:17:45,208 We need to infiltrate that premiere and get to Keanu before it's too late. 369 00:17:45,291 --> 00:17:46,125 But how? 370 00:17:46,208 --> 00:17:48,541 The only way in is to walk the red carpet, 371 00:17:48,625 --> 00:17:50,458 and when they see someone as hot as me, 372 00:17:50,541 --> 00:17:52,916 all those camera flashes will attract attention. 373 00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,666 I don't have frumpy privilege like you, Reagan. 374 00:18:00,458 --> 00:18:03,708 men will look at you the way they look at me. Briefly. 375 00:18:08,416 --> 00:18:09,666 And done. 376 00:18:10,208 --> 00:18:11,958 Wow, I hate it. 377 00:18:12,041 --> 00:18:15,791 I want to cyberbully myself. Do you really think this'll work? 378 00:18:15,875 --> 00:18:18,750 Oh, yeah. In Hollywood, being a rumpled woman over 30 379 00:18:18,833 --> 00:18:20,791 is basically an invisibility cloak. 380 00:18:20,875 --> 00:18:22,476 - Emma Stone! - Over here! 381 00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:24,541 Tell me about La La Land. 382 00:18:26,458 --> 00:18:28,666 Do you see anyone? 383 00:18:28,750 --> 00:18:31,083 My eyes can't really focus. 384 00:18:31,166 --> 00:18:35,375 - Does this look like anything? - Just an empty red carpet. Weird. 385 00:18:35,458 --> 00:18:38,750 Damn, I could get used to being unremarkable. 386 00:18:38,833 --> 00:18:40,666 Yeah. I'm so lucky. 387 00:18:40,750 --> 00:18:42,750 Look! 388 00:18:42,833 --> 00:18:45,208 I need a private moment to unflex my abs. 389 00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:46,458 Be right back, Koko. 390 00:18:47,083 --> 00:18:48,750 Keanu's headed towards the restroom. 391 00:18:48,833 --> 00:18:51,000 Keep watch. I'm going after Keanu. 392 00:18:51,083 --> 00:18:53,625 Bull. Gigi never gets to kill anybody. 393 00:18:53,708 --> 00:18:57,541 ♪ Happy Birthday, Keanu. Happy... ♪ 394 00:18:57,625 --> 00:19:00,166 Catch you at a bad time, Keanu? 395 00:19:00,250 --> 00:19:03,500 To quote myself, whoa, what are you doing here? 396 00:19:03,583 --> 00:19:04,750 Saving my mom! 397 00:19:08,625 --> 00:19:12,541 You know my secret, but I'm warning you. I know kung fu. 398 00:19:12,625 --> 00:19:13,791 Yeah, I know. 399 00:19:13,875 --> 00:19:16,000 It's one of two things people know about you. 400 00:19:16,083 --> 00:19:18,750 They also know I do my own stunts. 401 00:19:33,416 --> 00:19:37,500 That doesn't scare me. I'm a pan-denominational Buddhist. 402 00:19:37,583 --> 00:19:40,250 Buddhists still bleed! 403 00:19:44,583 --> 00:19:48,208 Exactly. There were times when I felt like the book was writing me. 404 00:19:48,791 --> 00:19:52,750 Holy follow-up question. Would you consider yourself a genius? 405 00:19:52,833 --> 00:19:54,083 No, no. 406 00:19:54,166 --> 00:19:55,166 But yes. 407 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,875 - Keanu? Reagan? - Shit! 408 00:19:58,958 --> 00:20:00,625 I told her not to come. 409 00:20:04,375 --> 00:20:06,583 Fake rain? This just seems expensive. 410 00:20:06,666 --> 00:20:09,166 And in the desert. So wasteful. 411 00:20:09,666 --> 00:20:11,875 Have some garlic, Keanu. 412 00:20:11,958 --> 00:20:13,875 No! Where did you get that? 413 00:20:13,958 --> 00:20:17,333 Olive Garden. "When you're here, you're family." 414 00:20:26,250 --> 00:20:29,000 All right, Keanu, time to eat your stake. 415 00:20:30,250 --> 00:20:33,333 White oak. You did your homework. 416 00:20:33,416 --> 00:20:36,041 I fucking love homework. And my mom. 417 00:20:36,125 --> 00:20:37,708 I love her too, Reagan. 418 00:20:38,375 --> 00:20:40,125 Reagan. What are you doing? 419 00:20:40,208 --> 00:20:43,000 It's all right, Tamiko, she's just protecting you. 420 00:20:43,083 --> 00:20:45,291 Everything Reagan said is true. 421 00:20:45,375 --> 00:20:48,750 For hundreds of years, I've been a blood-sucking Immortal, 422 00:20:48,833 --> 00:20:49,958 until now. 423 00:20:51,166 --> 00:20:53,666 You're not gonna try to suck out my mom's blood? 424 00:20:53,750 --> 00:20:58,166 I lied about being a vampire, but not about loving Tamiko. 425 00:20:58,250 --> 00:20:59,750 I'm done with immortality. 426 00:20:59,833 --> 00:21:02,916 I finally found the woman I want to grow old with. 427 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,500 Oh, Nunu. 428 00:21:06,166 --> 00:21:07,583 We've heard enough! 429 00:21:12,916 --> 00:21:15,208 Leonardo DiCaprio! 430 00:21:15,291 --> 00:21:16,291 Nicolas Cage, 431 00:21:16,375 --> 00:21:17,250 Bradley Cooper, 432 00:21:17,333 --> 00:21:18,250 Johnny Depp! 433 00:21:18,333 --> 00:21:20,583 Oh God, we've stumbled right into their lair. 434 00:21:20,666 --> 00:21:22,708 I knew you were getting soft, Keanu. 435 00:21:22,791 --> 00:21:25,625 You've been dating age-appropriate women for years. 436 00:21:25,708 --> 00:21:28,500 That's as disgusting as only wearing one scarf. 437 00:21:28,583 --> 00:21:31,375 If audiences see you getting older, 438 00:21:31,458 --> 00:21:34,208 they'll get suspicious about the rest of us. 439 00:21:34,291 --> 00:21:35,375 Except Tom Cruise. 440 00:21:35,458 --> 00:21:37,666 Yeah, that guy is fucking bulletproof. 441 00:21:37,750 --> 00:21:39,833 You guys are so bogus. 442 00:21:39,916 --> 00:21:41,791 Tamiko is a national treasure. 443 00:21:41,875 --> 00:21:45,583 Good thing I know how to steal those. 444 00:21:45,666 --> 00:21:46,833 Mom! 445 00:21:47,833 --> 00:21:49,250 Before we kill Keanu, 446 00:21:49,333 --> 00:21:53,416 one last ceremonial bloodletting with his 40-something girlfriend. 447 00:21:55,833 --> 00:21:57,250 And oh! 448 00:21:57,958 --> 00:22:00,500 Prepare to be Leonardo decapitated. 449 00:22:00,583 --> 00:22:03,916 Hey, Romeo, hands off my wife! 450 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:08,208 Well, if it isn't my old crew and some hideous baby man. 451 00:22:08,291 --> 00:22:09,125 Dad? 452 00:22:09,208 --> 00:22:11,833 He's turned himself into a literal man-child. 453 00:22:11,916 --> 00:22:14,125 Way to turn subtext to text, Rand. 454 00:22:14,208 --> 00:22:15,958 My therapist would love this. 455 00:22:16,041 --> 00:22:17,708 I did it to impress you. 456 00:22:17,791 --> 00:22:21,500 To show you that I was younger, hotter, and had more Oscars than Keanu. 457 00:22:23,250 --> 00:22:25,791 Looks like the D-listers crashed the party. 458 00:22:25,875 --> 00:22:27,125 We've evolved, Leo. 459 00:22:27,208 --> 00:22:31,125 You can't bully us, or this single father and his disfigured baby. 460 00:22:31,208 --> 00:22:32,625 Andre, downzies. 461 00:22:32,708 --> 00:22:34,375 Myc, grab the camera. 462 00:22:34,458 --> 00:22:35,291 Rolling! 463 00:22:35,375 --> 00:22:38,250 I'm kicking your ass. Get ready for a bloodbath! 464 00:22:38,333 --> 00:22:39,833 That's it. 465 00:22:39,916 --> 00:22:40,916 Blood. 466 00:22:43,541 --> 00:22:44,750 Reagan, what are you doing? 467 00:22:44,833 --> 00:22:47,000 Something I've had recurring dreams about. 468 00:22:47,083 --> 00:22:48,666 Finally stabbing my father! 469 00:22:48,750 --> 00:22:50,000 Ouchies! 470 00:22:50,708 --> 00:22:52,125 You fools. 471 00:22:52,208 --> 00:22:54,833 Baby blood is only gonna make me stronger. 472 00:22:54,916 --> 00:22:56,166 Not this baby. 473 00:22:56,250 --> 00:23:00,666 You just mainlined enough bad choices to age you a thousand years. 474 00:23:00,750 --> 00:23:03,666 - My blood type is O Shit. - What?! 475 00:23:11,541 --> 00:23:15,875 Drink up, pretty boy. That shit is hundred proof Ridley. 476 00:23:17,166 --> 00:23:18,791 You can't do this to me! 477 00:23:18,875 --> 00:23:20,791 I'm the king of the world! 478 00:23:22,500 --> 00:23:25,000 At least he died doing what he loved. Composting. 479 00:23:25,083 --> 00:23:26,833 I got it in the can! 480 00:23:26,916 --> 00:23:30,625 I give this movie three stars. Very confusing. 481 00:23:30,708 --> 00:23:34,000 Sorry I lied, Tamiko. But I meant everything I said. 482 00:23:34,083 --> 00:23:36,291 I'm ready to give up immortality for you. 483 00:23:36,375 --> 00:23:38,000 Oh, that's... 484 00:23:38,083 --> 00:23:39,333 You're sweet, but... 485 00:23:40,125 --> 00:23:41,375 Bye! 486 00:23:42,250 --> 00:23:45,000 Hey. Sorry for all the... 487 00:23:45,500 --> 00:23:47,250 Um... Ah, fuck it. 488 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:51,375 Well, guess I better start dressing my age. 489 00:23:51,458 --> 00:23:52,958 You and me both, brother. 490 00:23:53,500 --> 00:23:55,958 I can't believe the whole A list is gone. 491 00:23:56,041 --> 00:23:58,250 I'm proud that the last thing Leo saw 492 00:23:58,333 --> 00:24:01,041 was his posse growing into mature, decent men. 493 00:24:01,125 --> 00:24:03,583 It's okay. We have a new leader. 494 00:24:03,666 --> 00:24:07,958 Sorry, guys. My name's actually Brett, and I already have a posse. 495 00:24:08,041 --> 00:24:08,958 The deep state. 496 00:24:09,041 --> 00:24:10,041 Impossible! 497 00:24:10,125 --> 00:24:11,583 A masterful illusion. 498 00:24:11,666 --> 00:24:15,333 Damn, dude, this whole time, you were running game, on us. 499 00:24:15,416 --> 00:24:18,125 Then you've learned my final lesson, bros. 500 00:24:18,208 --> 00:24:20,416 Please, Brett, don't forget us. 501 00:24:20,500 --> 00:24:21,875 Call me Blaive. 502 00:24:30,875 --> 00:24:35,500 Hey. Sorry I ruined your premiere and tried to murder your boyfriend. 503 00:24:35,583 --> 00:24:39,000 I guess Keanu was a good guy after all. 504 00:24:39,083 --> 00:24:40,791 No, I'm sorry. 505 00:24:40,875 --> 00:24:42,958 Seeing my only daughter risk her life like that, 506 00:24:43,041 --> 00:24:48,375 I-I realized you have been supporting me this whole time by trying to protect me. 507 00:24:48,458 --> 00:24:51,666 Exactly. It's not that I don't want you to be happy. 508 00:24:51,750 --> 00:24:54,750 It's just you have horrible taste in men. 509 00:24:54,833 --> 00:24:58,000 Dad, Buzz Aldrin, actual monsters. 510 00:24:58,083 --> 00:24:59,291 I get it now. 511 00:24:59,375 --> 00:25:03,708 You murdered every leading man in Hollywood because you love me. 512 00:25:03,791 --> 00:25:05,000 And I always will. 513 00:25:06,208 --> 00:25:08,916 Wait, did you break up with Keanu because he was a vampire, 514 00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:12,416 or because you discovered he was way older than you thought he was? 515 00:25:12,500 --> 00:25:15,041 Reagan. Can't it be both? 516 00:25:16,625 --> 00:25:18,916 He's better than you remember. 517 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,875 He'll have you saying Kean-who? 518 00:25:21,958 --> 00:25:24,041 Tell the president I'm on my way. 519 00:25:33,666 --> 00:25:36,166 I am not putting my name on this. I quit! 520 00:25:57,166 --> 00:26:02,166 Subtitle translation by: 40059

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