All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.S10E12.WEBRip.x264-ION10

[Adult Adam] Back in the '80s,

the Oscars crowned the best
dramatic films of the time.

Nothing could beat
a heart-wrenching story,

masterful direction,
or a powerful performance.

My family, however,
didn't think so.

Places in the Heart.

Who cares about
a lady saving a farm?

Sally Field needs to stick
to being the Bandit's
main squeeze.

The Bandit was clearly
a criminal.

Smokey's the star,
in my book.

And that's why
he's the fun husband.

Splashshould've
swept everything.

It taught the important lesson
that fish can talk and love!

What I want to know is,

where are all the great
mother-son movies?

And mother-daughter
movies.

No need to include me
in whatever cuckoo bananas
you're about to share.

A mom and her Schmoo
rescue an ark from the Nazis.

She and her squish
go top-gunning.

A mama and her three poopies
hunt down a killer shark.

These movies write themselves.

Because no one else
is going to.

Oh! They're announcing
Best Picture!

And the winner is...

-Amadeus!
-[both booing]

Oh, that's a shame.

Amadeus--
it's not even a real word.

Amadeus is Wolfgang Mozart's
middle name.

The movie's about
his musical genius

and his rival Salieri's
murderous jealousy.

Before he composed anything,

his mother composed him
in her lady tuba.

Lady tuba?

Well, then there needs
to be a prequel

that focuses only on her--

Mom-adeus.

I will
never see that.

We haven't been to the movies
since we had our baby,

so how do you know
what "Amadeus" is about?

Uh.

Hey, Schmoo, when are you gonna
be up there thanking me

and hilariously forgetting
to thank your wife?

Probably never because
the Academy doesn't appreciate

how hard a comedy is to write.

I toiled over
my most recent script,

a spoof of
A Passage to India

called A Passage to Lydia.

[laughs] Lydia!
That's a lady's name!

Have you seen
the original movie?

Why would I watch something
I'm just gonna make fun of?

It's about racial prejudice
during the British
colonial era.

Oh, is it?

[stammers]
According to the poster.

Exactly how many movies
have you seen
without me, Geoff?

You know, uh,
close to none.

Drama.

I'm on the edge
of my floor!

Shh!
This is the best part.

How...many?

The normal amount.

Give me the number,
husband.

She's so powerful
in this.

The tension is too much.

It's like watching the sequel
to Who Ate My Cream Cheese?

All of them, okay?
I've seen all the movies!

Sometimes twice!

-Yes!
-Predictable, but satisfying.

They're flawed characters,
but you root for 'em!

♪♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪♪

♪♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪♪

♪♪ I don't know the future ♪♪

♪♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪♪

[Adult Adam]
It was January 18th,
1980-something,

and my newly single mom
wasn't good at picking up

on attention
from the opposite sex.

Hey, Beverly,
let me help you with that.

Especially when it came from
her charming co-worker,
Mr. Perott.

Wow.

Whatever's in there
smells great.

Or is that you?

It's the seven lasagnas.
[chuckles]

My fridge at home
just doesn't have the space.

-Oh.
-Helen, I love that blouse.

It's the same one
I wore yesterday.

I woke up in the park.

But the less you know,
the less likely you'll be
called in to testify.

Speaking of nice outfits,
that's a great sweater,
Beverly.

Thank you, Joe.
I don't love
that shirt on you.

It draws all the color
out of your face,

and you're already very pale
to begin with.

[Adult Adam] Yep,
she really wasn't
used to attention.

[sighs] Terrible news.

Ms. Kramer was home gardening,
and she hoe'd off
her pinky toe.

-Oh, no.
-How horrible!

Been there.

Worse yet, she's the only
faculty member

that I could bamboozle into
running the yearbook committee.

I'd be happy to take over.

Thank you, Beverly,
but be prepared

to waste hours
of your life on this.

I can help out.

We can waste hours
of our lives together.

-Wait, what's happening?
-Thank you, Joe.

I-It's really just
a one-person job.

I'd love to get started.

-What's your afternoon
looking like?-I'm totally free.

Don't you have appointments
with the students?

Honestly,
they mostly just listen

to what their friends say.

-Should we head to my office?
-Yearbook team. So exciting!

[chuckles]

I think old James Dean
likes blondie.

Obviously, Helen.
Thanks for coming to.

You're welcome.

[Adult Adam] As Mr. Perott
was looking for some
quality time with my mom,

Dave Kim was home from college
looking for my expertise.

So, I have a huge favor to ask.

Will you read my script?

You...wrote a script?

I took a screenwriting
elective on a lark.

You want me to take time out
of my day to read your script?

Am I saying it weird?

I'll read this
on one condition.

No matter
how harsh my criticism is,
you can't be mad at me.

I'd never be mad at you.

It's gonna feel like an anvil
crushing your heart,

your head, and your groin
all at once.

I've been kicked down there
many a time.

Dave Kim's lower half
is made of stronger stuff
than you'd think.

Amadoofus?

It's a comedic spoof
of Amadeus.

Hey, have you seen
Muriel's binkie? Wh--

Amadoofus?

That's hilarious, Adam.

It's Dave Kim's script.

Oh, that tracks.
Noice, DK.

[Adult Adam]
So I headed upstairs,
took out my red pen,

and got ready to mark up
my friend's script.

But to my surprise,
and slowly my horror,

ink never touched the page.

No! No, no!

The puns, sublime.

The gags, hysterical.

It was a spoof for the ages.

There was only one way
to describe what I read.

Balls!
Balls, balls, balls, balls!

[orchestral music plays]

Balls.

[Adult Adam]
Yep, it blew my mind.

And as Dave Kim's best friend,

I had no choice
but to give him his due.

It's good, not great.

Now back to the bio lab,

you mildly creative
doctor-to-be.

NYU's gonna give him
$3,000 to shoot it!

Shoot [bleep] what now?

I won a screenwriting
contest at school.

I kept it secret
'cause I didn't want
your opinion colored

by my overnight success.

That's grea--
[gasps, laughs]

That's so great!

He re-named Salieri
"Silly Larry."

-I mean,
how genius is that?
-No, I read it.

Dave, is there any way
I could just, like,
watch you write sometime?

-No. That's weird.
-Totally get that.

But come to
the table read later.

Brea will be there, Walls,
lots of familiar faces.

Wow, those folks have been
in quite a few movies of mine.

And now they're in mine.

I'll be playing Amadoofus,

but I do have one part
yet to cast.

-Could I do it?
-Absolutely not.

You're right.
I'd just mess it up.

Adam, may I cast you
in the role of Silly Larry?

Amadoofus's jealous rival?

You're the only
person I know

who could bring
the character to life.

[piano music plays]

But of course.

Whoa.
Things just got weirdly tense.

You creative types
are such a mystery to me.

[Adult Adam]
While Dave Kim put me down
for the role of his rival,

my mom still couldn't
pick up on Mr. Perott's
increasing attention.

Okay, so, this is
for student superlatives.

-Mm-hmm.
-Best Personality,
Best Dresser,

Most Likely To Get A Job
That Requires Coveralls.

Maybe we should add
some teacher superlatives, huh?

-Oh.
-Like Best Eyes.

You know
who I think would win?

-Nick Mellor.
-No.

-Ms. Cinoman?
-No.

-Mr. Crosby?
-I can just tell you.

-Nurse Steve!
-No.

Now, technically,
he could only win for Best Eye,

but the one he does have is
[clicks tongue] very pleasant.

You!
I was gonna say you.

[Adult Adam]
My mom still wasn't getting it!

I'm Quaker Warden.
I'm not a teacher.

I wouldn't qualify,
you silly goof. [scoffs]

Anyway, I hope this doesn't
seem weird, Bev,

but I made you a mixtape.

[gasps softly]

This will be perfect
for my grandbaby.

Get this--
when she gets backed up,

-music helps her poop.
-Mm.

[Adult Adam]
But, finally, Mr. Perott
had an opening.

It's getting late.
I should call Adam
to pick me up.

Or I could just...

give you a ride home.

Joe, you are a lifesaver.
[chuckles]

-Where's your car parked?
-I don't have a car.

No!
Motorcycles are not safe.

A little danger
can be a thrill, Bev.

How can I be sure
not to fall off?

Just wrap your arms
around me.

And hold on tight.

-Frisky business.
-[motorcycle engine revs]

What is happening?

She is really pressed
against him.

I see that, Helen!

[Adult Adam]
As surprised as
Mr. Glascott was,

a few others were even
more in shock.

Is that Mr. Perott?

With another hottie
wrapped around his waist.

Why is he stopping here?

Yeah, look at that
sexy denim jacket.

She's a ho-- Oh, no!

[choral music plays]

-Hey, Schmoos!
-[quivering]

Hey, Bev,
I was thinking, uh...

you want to go
to dinner sometime?

Joe, I would love that.

Oh, wow. Okay.

It's so smart
to take brainstorming

for the yearbook
outside the school.

-Uh, sure.
-Maybe we can go to O'Grady's.

-They have
bottomless lemonade.
-Uh...

I'll be making many trips
to the girl potty,

but it'll be
totally worth it.

-Uh...
-See you tomorrow.

[Adult Adam]
She may not have known it,

but my mom just agreed
to her first date.

Meanwhile, it was time for
Dave Kim's first table read.

Amadoofus's wife enters
the hospital room

to find Silly Larry
on his death bed.

My crime is jealousy.

-[mouthing line]
-Amadoofus was
the genius I wish I was.

But wait!
Something stirs within me.

Just then,
Silly Larry lets out

an impossibly long
and melodic fart,

then keels over and dies.

He finally composed a song
worthy of admiration.

With his butt.

And...scene.

Maestro.

That was sublime.

And I'm not completely sure
what sublime means.

Fun collab, gang!

I'll be in my trailer,
which is your room.

No disturbances
as I rest my big brain.

Ah, man,
that guy is too much.

Oh, totally.
Dave Kim is too much.

Not the positive too much.

The negative too much.

Sure, he's a bit full of
himself, but can you blame him?

He just won that big contest.

But silly comedic spoofs
are mything.

You should watch
the real Amadeus.

-I think it'll give you
some perspective.
-Why would I do that?

Because you'd sound less
like Dave Kim's friend Adam,

and more like Salieri,
Mozart's vengeful mentor.

Maybe it is time to figure out
what this is really all about.

[Adult Adam]
So, I watchedAmadeus.

How can a movie without lasers
or Muppets be so good?

And I discovered Salieri
gets his revenge...

and so would I.

You'll rue the day you messed
with Silly Larry, Amadoofus!

[laughs maniacally]

-[doorbell rings]
-So, Mr. Perott
asked out my mom.

Even though she was clueless,
Barry was not happy.

And he was not alone.

Your mom was on
the back of a hog!

He asked her to dinner!

The meal where
connections are made!

We have to stop this!

-Thank goodness
you feel the same!
-Come here.

-You know,
that's our first hug.
-Eh, let's not linger on it.

I always thought
I'd hug Adam first,
then Erica, and you last.

I knew you weren't gonna
be able to hug me normally.

You two will stop at nothing.

Is that a giant Pixy Stix?

Mr. Glascott, I'm sorry
to tell you this,

but [sighs] your jealousy
is a waste of time.

My mom doesn't think
of you that way.

How dare you!
My heart belongs to my ex.

She sent me a letter
through her lawyer

demanding more
spousal support.

[chuckles]
She's such a flirt.

So why are you
all worked up?

Because I have my cousin Gerald
in my back pocket for your mom

when she's ready
for romance.

He has his own bait shop,

so she'll never want for
small fish
to catch bigger fish.

Okay, can we focus
on Perott, please?

The good news is,
Mom thinks the date
is a yearbook meeting.

And once we tell her
what's really going on,

I'm sure she'll panic
and cancel.

Which is why you're going to
keep your face hole shut.

She's not ready for this.

I think she is,
and I just want her
to be happy.

Doesn't matter,
'cause you can't stop me
from talking to her!

Ow! Ow! No fair!
I wasn't
in my defensive stance!

Swear you won't talk to Mom,
or I will crack you in half!

Do what she says.
Her eyes are dead.

Fine!
I won't say a thing to Mom!

I could have broken out of that
if I wanted to,

but I would've had decapitated
you, so you're welcome.

But I didn't say anything
about talking to Mr. Perott.

Aha! Trickery's afoot.

Should we hug again
to celebrate?

Another time it is.

[Adult Adam]
And so, Barry went to
confront my mom's suitor.

We need to talk,
scoundrel!

Yeah, your sister
was just telling me.

Hey, pal.

Why are you showing up
everywhere

with giant novelty foods?

That's mything!

Listen, Bar,
take a seat.

I understand you're feeling
a little bit conflicted

about me and your mom.

So let's, uh--
let's talk like bros.

-With puppets.
-What?

I like your mom, dude.

[Adult Adam] While Erica
had foiled Barry's plan,

my plan to drive
Dave Kim to madness

was about to come alive.

His rear
is not of this world.

Um, what is
his workout regimen?

Hm. Oh, he never works out,
Your Majesty.

He was born this way.

How can a just God
give that fool such a rump

while mine
is so pedestrian?

I curse the heavens!

And cut.

[Adult Adam] It was time
for Silly Larry
to do his thing.

It's hard for me to say,
Dave Kim,

but this is the best movie
I've ever been a part of.

It means a lot
to hear that.

Especially the part where you
admit it's hard for you to say.

If I have one criticism--

I would love to hear it--
super busy.

I just wish it was longer.

Okay.

Everything you think of
is so good.

Why stop writing?

More jokes, more story,
more pages, more--

Dave Kim.

Exactly.

To my room trailer!

-I need to create.
-Go!

Do what only you can do!

[Adult Adam]
Just like that, I used
the ultimate weapon to destroy

Dave Kim--

Dave Kim.

Hilarious!

If I weren't too busy typing,
I'd be laughing.

I just hope there's more.

-[keyboard clacking]
-Yes, more!
Much more!

All the precious words!

I'm envisioning
a comedic nightmare

where Silly Larry's butt grows
to the size of a beach ball.

You'll need a special
pair of pants.

I'll go get my mom's
sewing machine.

[sewing machine whirrs]

Ugh. Dave Kim.

This is a terrible dream.

Shh!
Let the genius work.

Perfect!

I'm perfect!

[Adult Adam]
With my trap set,
the rest was easy.

-Ahh!
-Relax, buddy. It's me.

Did you sleep at all?

-Not really.
-You should rest.

I'll fill in while
you gather your strength.

-But my movie--
-It'll be fine.

I have your shot list,
your mediocre script--

-Mediocre?
-I said meteoric.

You're hearing things,
you poor fellow.

Silly Larry will
take it from here.

[orchestra swells]

[Adult Adam]
My plan worked flawlessly.

Barry, on the other hand,
was running out of moves.

They're worms and minnows,
Gerald.

They can survive for
one night without you.

[dial tone]

-Cousin Gerald's out.
-Oh, damn it!

We're running out of time!

You know, now that my kin
is out of the picture,

I'm rethinking this.

Then there's no other choice.

-You must seduce my mother
away from him.
-No, thank you!

Take off that sweater vest and
let me comb out your mustache.

We gotta raise
your appeal, man.

No! Get off of me!

And why am I conspiring
with my friend's son?

Because we both want
the same thing--

for my mother
to grow old alone.

No!
And Mr. Perott's a good guy.

He keeps his cubby clean
in the lounge at school,

and he's the only person
I've ever met

that actually likes
your mom's sweaters.

Well, if it's her sweaters
he likes,

it's her sweaters
he'll never see.

Exactly. [chuckles]

Wait. What nonsense!

She can't go on a date
if she has nothing to wear.

This relationship will be over
before it's even started.

[Adult Adam] So, with one last
desperate attempt,

Barry hid my mom's sweaters,

then packed her pants,

ditched her dresses,
and stashed her shoes.

Just when he thought he'd won,

Erica had once again
beat him to the punch.

Aw, man!

Are you sure
this is okay?

I feel silly
in your dress.

It's so plain.

Faculty advisors
always dress up

for outside-the-school
meetings.

It's in the school charter.

Quakers-- they're
so peaceful and weird.

Barry, Erica told me you took
all my clothes to the cleaners.

Ah, such a good boy.

Yeah, such a good boy.
[chuckles]

[softly]
But I'm the better boy.

[doorbell rings]

Wow.

Beverly, you look great.

Well, by-laws are by-laws.

-Here's the yearbook stuff.
-Okay.

[Adult Adam]
As my mom still couldn't see
where the night was headed,

I had steered Dave Kim's
production in a new direction.

Okay, people.
Time to roll film.

This is so exciting.

I'm a professional actor!

Also, I lost my script.

I don't get these new pages.

I made a few tweaks.

Amadoofus admits
he's a fraud

and then declares Silly Larry
the real genius?

Then he poops himself
and dies?

A death poop.

Hilarious, right?

Why do I keep agreeing
to do these things?

Cut!

He's ruining
my masterpiece!

Balls!
He's awake!

I know what you're up to.

I found your new pages
on the back of the toilet!

Oh, there's my script.

You just couldn't stand that
Dave Kim's the funny one now.

That Dave Kim's the one
everyone wants to be!

-Don't get carried away.
-For starters, your hair...

-Your clothes...
-Sometimes your personality...

Okay,
Dave Kim is flawed!

You're more than flawed.
You're petty and mean!

Oh, you're one to talk!

Casting me as
your jealous rival?

Refusing to admit
I can write, too?

Making Brea your "wife"?

I know what that's about!

Don't be ridiculous!

Unless, of course,
some long-repressed
feelings are emerging.

I really have to stop
coming back home.

What scene is this?

Now I know I definitely
don't want to live
with you next year.

Live together?

I don't even want to be
your friend!

Fine by me!

Could I borrow
that script?

[orchestral flourish]

[Adult Adam]
The big date was underway,
and despite my mom's confusion,

or rather because of it,
things were going pretty well.

So, what do you think
of the background

for this dedication page?

A collage of your kids?

They really do represent

all the children of the world,
don't you think?

I do.

More wine?

I love how creatively
in sync we are.

You know,
I always thought we, uh,

had our own
sort of connection.

You know, I didn't think
this place was gonna work

with the small table,
the poor lighting,

and the roaming violinist,

but we are getting
so much work done.

We make a good team.
[chuckles]

One could even say,
we make a good couple.

[chuckles]

Well, that's a funny place
to rest your hand.

Were you reaching for
the rolls and got tired?

No.

No, I wasn't.

[Adult Adam]
In that moment, my mom finally
put the pieces together.

My tummy just got hot.

[Adult Adam]
The romantic bistro.

The tender music.

The flirty banter.

We'll have
the "lovers' special."

[echoing] Lovers' special.
Lovers' special.

Beverly, you are gorgeous.

[gasps softly] Oh, no!

I am gorgeous!

Beverly, are you okay?

Joe, are we...

on a date?

You didn't know?

-Unhand her!
-No, hand her!

I told you,
she's not ready for this!

I don't want to
see her get hurt!

And I don't want
to see her alone!

She's not alone.
She has us.

-She needs way more than us.
-Enough!

Stop fighting about your
mother's romantic inclinations!

Oh, no!
Don't say it that way. Gross.

Kids, sit down.

[both sigh]

The fact is, I am not ready
to start dating.

-In fact, until this moment,
I hadn't even thought about it.
-Good.

But now that we are
talking about it,

I guess I will
be ready someday.

Okay?

Okay.

And when I am,
everything's gonna be fine

because I have the most
wonderful Schmoos

looking after me.

You got that right.

We really are
pretty great.

You can leave now.

-Barry.
-You've been rejected.

Barry!

Joe, I'm so flattered
and so sorry.

Ah, don't be.

I get it.

Maybe some other time.

I'm just gonna make sure
he actually leaves.

[scoffs]

He called me gorgeous!

-[squeals]
-[giggles]

[Adult Adam] My mom took
a big step that day.

And with Geoff's help,
I was ready to do the same.

Adam has something
he'd like to say.

So does Dave Kim,
actually.

-I'm so sorry!
-No, I'm sorry!

-Your script is amazing!
-Your script is amazing!

I've been a terrible friend!
I've been a terrible human.

Okay, they both
know they suck.

Yeah, we can let them
take it from here.

It was just...

hard seeing you thrive
at something

I always thought
was my thing.

It is your thing.

You're the funniest
writer I know.

Well, you're pretty good,
too, Dave Kim.

And you know what?

Maybe next year,
when we're both at NYU,

we can work
on something together.

That would be amazing.

Great.

But before all that,
let's finish your Amadoofus?

I would really love that.

["Rock Me Amadeus"
by Falco playing]

[Adult Adam]
Relationships go through
many changes.

Your best friend can turn
into your enemy

then back to your best friend.

[glasses clink]

Or the people you take care of
can, overnight,

be the ones who are
taking care of you.

♪♪ Come and rock me, Amadeus ♪♪

♪♪ Amadeus, Amadeus ♪♪

[Adult Adam] Yeah,
we may not always catch
the hints right away,

but once we do, we realize
they were there all along...

♪♪ Amadeus, Amadeus ♪♪

...thanks to those we love
being there when we need them

and, of course,
sharing laughter along the way.

[echoing]
♪♪ Amadeus ♪♪

Erica, thanks for
being open to me

getting back out there.

Please, we're not just mother
and daughter, we're friends.

You can always talk to me
about this stuff.

-Like how dreamy
Tom Berenger is?
-I guess.

I like how his hair is
so ruggedly curly.

Sure, nice lettuce.

You can tell he's a bad boy
who does bad things.

Bad... [chuckles]
That's how
I'm starting to feel.

Major League?
More like major yum.
Am I right?

Okay, that's it!
I'm out.

You know what?
I'm gonna keep this magazine,
if that's okay.

Oh, totally fine.
Friendship over.