All language subtitles for Children.Ruin.Everything.S01E05

Please,
I'm gonna shoot you.

Please, I'm gonna shoot you!

- Hey, hey, guys, come on.

- Dad!

- I know, it's Felix's birthday,
he's gonna shoot you guys.

- Ow.
- Sorry, sorry.

- Follow me upstairs.

- That birthday cake
was so good.

- Yes, thanks again
for making it.

- It was really sweet that Felix
wanted just his family here.

He has friends at school,
doesn't he?

- Yes, Mom. It's his
friend's party this weekend.

- Another party? Well...

- Yeah, well, the poor kid lost
two birthdays to the pandemic.

So, this is special.

- Should I get another present?

- No, no, one toy gun is enough.

And the one thing I asked you
not to get.

- I'll get him
more bullets then.

- So, is Corey coming
to the party this weekend?

- He's been saving newspapers
and fruit stickers for weeks.

- That's awesome. Why?

- You know, instead of
wrapping paper and Scotch Tape,

which is choking the planet?

- Well, in that case,
shouldn't you

not be buying newspapers anymore
as well?

- And stop supporting
print media?

Right.

- Hey, we should go.

Corey's still recovering,
don't wanna push him.

- Recovering from what?
- No,

he was just a little...
just a little sick.

- What?
- It's not COVID, okay?

We're all vaccinated.

- You brought him here sick,

knowing that Felix's party
is in two days?

- It's fine, he's on a natural
immune booster.

My own brew.
It's like a face mask

for your whole body.

- Good. Bo made a potion.
My mind's at ease.

- We would've never come here
if we thought there was

any chance of getting you all--

Being sick sucks.

But before kids,
you could at least focus on

healing yourself
with your favorite remedies.

Sleep,
watch The Shield,

snack, sweat,
spend hours on the toilet.

It was glorious.

But kids don't care
if you're sick.

They need, "Mommy and Daddy."

They want lunch
and clean underwear

and to scream at you
when you forget that

they're pretending
to be a horse.

And they're usually the ones
making you sick.

They literally grab viruses
and put them in their noses.

We used to have time to get
to take care of ourselves.

Now...

I have to plan
a birthday party today.

- You're dead.

- Hon, what can I do to help?
You should take it easy today.

- Take it easy?
You want me to take it eas--

Do you have any idea
what I have to do?

I have to bake a cake,

I have to get decorations,
loot bags.

Take it easy, huh? What?

- You know,
even if you weren't sick,

it kinda sounds last minute.

Which is why it's so amazing
that you do a killer job

every year. All... Every time.

Which is why
I should do it this year.

- No, I'm fine. I just...

just feel a little weak
and pukey,

and my bones are cold.

- Ow! My cold bones.

- Viv put Play-Doh down my pants
and said it was cow plop.

So now I get to do it to her.

- No!

Viv, stop sneaking things
in people's pants.

- Yeah, I had broccoli
fall outta my pant leg at work.

That's hard to live down.

Give Viv the Play-Doh.
Viv, put it down your own pants.

There you go.
Now there's cow plop

in Viv's pants, you're even.

- That's not fair, Mom.

Mom... Mom.

- Did he just call me "Mom"?
He called me "Mom."

- Okay. Hey, guys?

Your mom... Mom's...
Mommy-wommy's not feeling well.

So, just go upstairs
and get ready for...

Let's go, let's go.
Put some clothes on. And, hey.

What're you doing?

That cow plop
stays in those pants

till you go
all the way upstairs.

- No.
- Yes.

- I have a question.
Who is "Mom"?

Because I'm Mommy. I'm Mommy.

- I know. Felix is growing up.

The other day,
he told me I was being rude.

- You were on your phone
at the dinner table.

- I know, he was right.
It was so grown up about him.

- No, I don't...
I don't want him to grow up.

- But it's kind of a disease
if he doesn't, hon.

What if doesn't want
his "Mom" to be Dr. Bad Guy

at the birthday party?

- No, no, no, no.

He absolutely wants Dr. Bad Guy.
That's tradition.

But everything else,
I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna get a cake
from Ronces Crossaintsie.

- No, no, you're not.

Remember Viv's birthday
last year?

We asked for a Peppa,
and they gave us Popeye.

And you, for some reason,
said it was "Summertime Santa."

- It's summer.
He shaves the beard,

he wears a captain's hat.

Because it's
like he's on vaca...

Okay, so I'm not gonna call
Ronces Crossaintsie.

But everything else,
I'm gonna do. I got this.

- Okay, thank you, I love you.

Mm.

I love you.

Ready for school, Felix?

- I guess so.

- This about the cow plop
incident?

Principles. Good for you.

Listen, I want to talk to you
about something.

Mommy is feeling
a little sick, so...

Wait for it...

This year, Daddy is gonna finish
getting your party ready, right?

- Okay.

- Okay, so,
here's what I'm thinking.

I'm thinkin' streamers.
Right? I'm thinkin' balloons.

- No streamers, no balloons.
That's too little-kiddy.

- Oh, you want like
a grown man's birthday party?

- Mm-hm. Oh, and can I have
a unicorn cake?

- Yeah, buddy, I can do that.

Like, a red unicorn.
Like, a big, black horn

and flames, and body armor.

- Uh, no, a rainbow one.

- Oh. Oh.

I'm so...
Yes, of course, of course

you can have
a rainbow unicorn, buddy.

Rainbow unicorns are awesome,

and anybody who thinks
they're not is an idiot.

We're dealing with an orgy of
toxic masculinity conditioning.

It's their problem,
not your problem.

- What's orgy?

- Nothin' much,
what's orgy with you?

- Huh?
- Yeah, that's it.

Come on, you're old enough
to get these jokes.

Okay, let's go to school.

Birthday boy's
gotta get to school

and talk about something else.
- Okay.

- I love blocks. I love blocks.

- Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie.

Can you please play with those
on the carpet, please?

- Who knows what I'll do.
- Cool.

- Hello!
- Oh, my God. Finally.

- Mom! What're you doing?

- Well, I'm here to take Viv,
like you asked.

- Why're you dressed
like a serial killer's mascot?

- Protecting myself.

I have tickets to see Hamilton,
and you know I'm a history buff.

So...
- I wanna stay here.

- I put plexiglass around
your whole car seat.

It's gonna be like
a sterile spaceship.

- Mom, can you just
stay here and play with Viv?

- In ground zero? No way.

I have waited so long
to see this show.

Remember when I thought
I had tickets to see

Hamilton in Chicago?

But they turned out to be
tickets to see

Chicago in Hamilton? No.

Horrible.
- I wanna stay with Mommy.

- All right, fine.
Mom, it's okay. You can just go.

- Okay. Well, yeah.
That works for me.

Have a hot bath.
- Mm-hm.

- Get a good sweat, and you'll
feel like a million bucks.

Okay, bye, bye, bye.
- Bye.

- Yes, hello. I'm still here.

You do? You have one
rainbow unicorn cake left?

And you're sure it's a unicorn
and not like, an alacorn?

Or a garbage pegasus?

There's no way.

- You are a lifesaver.
I am a cake god.

Can you hold it for me?

No, someone's asking
for it now.

- What do you mean?
No, no. What do you mean

someone's looking at it?
It's mine, it's my cake.

I'm coming right now.
Okay? Okay.

- Okay, shit show
in the boardroom.

Our avocado supplier
just went tits-up

and we need an action plan ASAP,
or we're effed.

-Uh, Marla? I just gotta pop
out for some food real quick.

- This is a grocery empire,
not a goddamn lunch club.

You eat after
we put out this fire.

James?

You can both have tea.

Hi, Snoozy.

A surprising amount
of parenting

is done with your ears.

It's your keener sense.

Especially when a cold
makes your nose stuffed up,

and your eyeballs ache.

- Every noise gives you intel.

Uh-oh. Oh, no. Mommy!

That's little bit...
I need to wipe this.

Thank you, Mommy.

And here you go.

And here you go,
Snoozy.

The only thing worse
than a crash or screaming,

is dead silence.

What was that?

Viv?

I just did jumping
jacks, and something broke.

- Oh, my God. No. No!

You're gonna die
on our son's birthday

and he's gonna grow up so weird.

- You look like a moist zombie.

We need to cancel
this birthday party.

- Yeah, you're right.
- We can't... we can't do it.

Why we can't do it?

He'll just have... he'll have
two birthdays next year.

- Make it four, we'll just...
What else can we cancel?

- Mom? Dad?

- Hey there, little guy.
- Hey, there he is,

there's my big, special fella.

- That's a bit over the top.

- I actually do want streamers
and balloons at my party.

But camouflage streamers

and balloons
that look like bombs.

- Okay, Felix,
I'm sorry, buddy, but...

I have some bad news.
We can't do your--

- We can't do them without
the camouflage streamers

and the balloon bombs.

- Yes!

My cold bones.

Does oatmeal always
look like chunky spit?

- Yeah, that's just the stomach
element of the sickness.

But don't worry, there's also
"willingness to die" element,

that really takes
the edge off.

- Okay, we have to admit
that this party is gonna suck.

We just have to survive.

- I don't like our chances.
- Okay, what do we...

Should we do something, or...
- Yes, yes...

All right.
Let's divide and conquer.

I'll start the clean up,
you get the birthday cake.

- Right... The cake thing.

It's gonna take a little longer

because I had to use
Ronces Crossaintsie.

- What?
- I...

Your place didn't have
unicorn cakes.

I, you know,
I didn't have a choice.

- That place butchers
birthday cakes

and murders kid's dreams.

It's their literal
business model.

Can I have chocolate
chip pancakes for breakfast?

- I was hoping he'd wake up sick
so we could just cancel.

- I was hoping the same thing.

That's why we make
such a good team.

Mm.

- Sorry.

- Yeah, you can't be in here
if you're sick.

- No, no. I'm not--

I'm just... I'm a smoker
and I just smoked

a whole pack of big cigarettes.

Oh.

What'd you say it would cost?

- $42.75.
- Okay.

I wonder what kind of milk,
sugar and flour you're using.

I wonder what kind of
payment you'll be using.

- Can I just see the cake
real quick?

Just to make sure
it's a unicorn, you know,

and not like an alacorn,
or a stupid pegasus.

- Sure.

- That's a goddamn wizard.

- Louis?
- What?

You messed up again.

I need a cake but I refuse
to pay for this.

Anyone in here
want a wizard cake?

- What color is it?
- No, I--

I'm gonna... It's fine.
I'm gonna take it, it's fine.

It's my cake, It's my cake.
Sorry.

Can you just... Can you fix it?

- How?

- I don't know,
you're the guy who...

Make it like... unicorn.

- Mom?
- Yeah?

- What does "orgy" mean?
- I'm... What, sweetie?

- What's "orgy" mean?
- Okay... Mm-hm, mm-hm.

It's when a... Mmm.

It's when a group of people

who are... who are
close together, physically,

just have a special
and fun time.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

I'm home.

- All right, go get ready
for your party.

I wanna... I want you
to look cute for...

for your special day.

Is that the cake?

Did we pull this off?

- Not quite.

- Oh, my God.

What happened to that unicorn?
Bath salts?

- These ding-dongs
gave us a wizard.

- This is why we don't use
Ronces Crossaintsie.

- I made 'em fix it.
But I paid... I paid extra.

- You paid extra for this?
- I promised Felix

a unicorn cake.

I didn't want him to think
anything was wrong

with asking for a unicorn cake.

And now I'm understanding
the emotional labor

that goes into planning
these birthday parties.

And thank you.

Thank you. Thank you
for doing it every time.

- That's nice.

I don't... Yeah,
this doesn't feel good.

- I feel atrocious.

Oh, you feel atrocious...

Oh, no. She's burning up.
- Okay.

Uh, take Viv upstairs, I'm gonna
wipe down every surface.

- Okay, okay.
All right, let's go. Come on.

- They're here?

- Hey, guys.
- Hi!

- Come on in,
Early bird gets the...

Oh, wrapped in newspaper.
- Oh...

- I don't know whether
to read it or throw it out.

Just joking.
This is really great.

- Ow.

- James.

- He doesn't know
what "this" means?

Okay. Sorry, Corey.

- Now, is Astrid okay?

- Yeah. Why... why do you ask?

- She requested the recipe
to Bo's immune booster.

- Oh, you know, that--

She's trying to find
the secret ingredient

to your husband's witch juice.

- The insinuation
that Bo is a witch,

simply because he accepts
health practices

from a large swathe of cultures,

is incredibly ignorant, James.

- Come on, that stuff
doesn't really work.

I mean, do you have any on you
that I could try?

Like, sarcastically?
- Are you okay?

- Yes, I'm tip-top.
- You look undead.

- Dracula was undead,

and he was the most
amazing person in the world.

- I'll be back in two hours.
Try not to hurt Corey.

- Mm, you try not to forget
that I really respect

you and your husband very much.

- Bye, Corey.
- Bye, Mom.

Remember, no soda.

- Felix. Come here.

- Yeah?

- Hey, everything okay?
You having a good time?

- Yeah, sort of.
- Mm-hm.

- Where's Mom?
Can she do Dr. Bad Guy?

- Absolutely.

Might take a few minutes,

and maybe a couple of
stimulants, but yes.

I have an announcement to make.

I've heard from
the Chief of Police

that there's trouble uh-brewing.

So everybody needs to
get their bonk bats ready,

because Dr. Bad Guy
is in the area.

- Yeah!
- I'm gonna murder something.

- Nope, nope. Nobody's gonna
murder anyone, Corey.

But... Good energy,
I appreciate you, buddy.

- Dad got Dr. Bad Guy!
- Dr. Bad Guy!

What... Is everything okay?

-Yeah, yeah. Better than okay.

Dr. Bad Guy!

- They want Dr. Bad Guy?

- No. Felix wants Dr. Bad Guy.

That's so nice.

He needs his Mommy.

- I can't move.

- Look, look, look.

You're amazing
at pushing through.

- Mm.
- Remember when we drove to BC?

And we were supposed to sleep
in the car in Saskatchewan,

and I woke up, and you had
driven all the way there.

Because you didn't like
how big the sky was.

- We don't need so much sky.

- You conquered a whole province
in a night.

You can be Dr. Bad Guy
for half an hour.

- James, let's do this.

- No, I'm gonna lie down,
actually.

Coming up the stairs
was very taxing.

And then they gave a speech
and everything...

- Dr. Bad Guy! Dr. Bad Guy!

Dr. Bad Guy! Dr. Bad Guy!

- Dr. Bad Guy!

Dr. Bad...

Are you okay?

- Dr. Bad Guy's totally
gonna kill you and your friends.

He just needs--
Just one moment. Just...

He's got it, just one moment.

I can be Dr. Bad Guy.

- What?

Oh, sweetie, no. No, no, no.

- Here, it's ginger ale.

It'll make your tummy
feel better.

I love you, Mommy.

- I love you, kiddo.

- Now, if you'll excuse me,

my friends and I
are gonna orgy together.

- Nope.

- Dr. Bad Guy! Dr. Bad Guy!

Dr. Bad...

Kids will bring
sickness into your house.

Your family will
pass the bug around.

Like a bottle of
schnapps and a bush bash.

We had very different
high school experiences.

And when it feels like your body
is shutting down,

your kids need you to
take care of them, so...

no rest for you.

As they grow,
they need you less and less.

Which is fantastic,
but also sad.

Hey! No, let's not
get ahead of ourselves.

Nobody's moving out just yet.
Still wiping butts around here.

But, yeah. Enjoy
being needed while you can.

It goes quick.

- Thank you.
- Don't worry about it, bud.

- Yeah. Corey totally
jumped the gun.

That 911 call? We had that
napkin fire under control.

We didn't need--
You're the real hero.

- Thank you so much.

- Should I go hand out
the goodie bags?

- Yeah. Do you want my help
with that, buddy?

- No, I'm okay.

Hey, guys.
Do you want a goodie bag?

- Maybe this new phase
isn't so bad after all.

- Yeah, speak of yourself.
Love you, Felix!

- What happened?

Corey, what happened?
Are you okay?

- Hey, Mom.

What did you do to my son?

Did he have soda?

So, it's called kava.

K-A-V-A.

- Kava...
- Very good.

Now, two tablespoons
of manuka honey.

- That's from the animal--
Manuka animal?

- No, no. It's a type of honey.

- From the manu...
From a manuka?

- You can go to the store,
it says "manuka."

- Okay.
- Okay,

one teaspoon of
goji berry extract.

Not the powder, the extract.

- No, I would never
with the powder.

- Extra virgin...
- Yeah, the...

- ...coconut oil.
- Okay.

- Okay?
-Yep, that's

just an oil from the coconut.

- Right? And then I would add
five peppercorns.

- Three star anise.

- I'm not sure we have the sta--
- It's a spice. It's dry.

- It's called star anise.
- Sure.

- One tablespoon of
powdered reishi mushrooms.

- Yeah, that's...

I mean, okay,
if I just take a mushroom--

- No, no. It's different,
reishi mushrooms.

- No, I can powder a mushroom.
I can just--

- Astragalus is also fine if you
can't find powdered reishi.

- I'll...
I'll figure the part out.

- Okay. Not dried mushrooms.
It has to be powdered.

- Yeah, smash it around,
I get it.