All language subtitles for Children.Ruin.Everything.S01E03

- Good morning.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- I don't wanna, um, alarm you,

but you have an eyelash.

- Mm. Can you get it?

- Hmm.

- Oh!
- Oh, my God!

- JAMES: No, God! Oh, no!
- ASTRID: Oh, my God.

- How many clams does a walrus
eat every day?

- I do not like this brush.
- Stop.

- It's horrible
- Okay.

- Come on, brush your teeth.
- 5,000 clams!

- Okay, we're almost done now.
- VIV: Yes!

- ASTRID: Having kids
means having

a never-ending to-do list.

Sometimes the list is so long
that you get wrapped up in it

like it's an old-school
phone cord.

- JAMES: Or a noose.

- ASTRID: That's why the number
of intimate moments

between you and your partner
starts to go down,

a nd I'm not just talking
about sex.

Deep conversations. Gone.

Spontaneous dates. Gone.

- JAMES: Sex.

- ASTRID: I already mentioned--
- JAMES: Gone.

Doing the crossword puzzle
together

while you look up answers
on your phone.

Gone.

- ASTRID: You saw that?
- JAMES: Come on!

- ASTRID: Anyway, the intimacy
in your relationship

can take a back seat,

as the number of repetitive,
mind-numbing tasks go up.

Okay. Viv, come on.

Will you hold still
for literally four seconds?

I'm almost done.
- What time is your meeting?

- 9:30, but I've to drop Viv off
at my sister's first.

- Ow! You're pulling my hair!
- You are pulling my patience.

What time is it?

My God. I gotta go.
I gotta get dressed. Take this.

Bye.
- JAMES: Okay.

Here it is, guys.
Come on, come on.

- VIV: Go.

- [spits]
- Oh!

- Sorry.

- ASTRID: As the tasks pile up,

the moments to connect dwindle.

- JAMES: So you have
to make them count.

- Felix, you better not be
reading a book.

- How you feelin' about today?
You excited?

- I'm nervous.

Haven't been in the office
in four years, so...

- I could do it myself.

- ASTRID: Um, apparently,
there's this big, new project

they wanna catch me up on, so--

- Hey, Felix.
Your bus is here. Let's go.

- So, like, when I go back
in the fall, I can just--

- JAMES: Your bag? You need
your bag. Come on.

- Bye!

- Just...

- Hey.

I miss you.

- Um... No. I don't--
I don't have any.

- Did you think,
I said, "tissue"?

- You do it!

- 'Kay. Bye.

[theme music playing]

[phone ringing]

Ooh. You look terrible.

- So?

You got glitter
all over your face.

- It's an unstoppable force.
What's going on with you?

- I had to end it
with Penelope last night.

- Oh, she seems smart and cool.
What happened?

- Mind games.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

She's in my head all the time.

You know, I'll just be
thinking about her non-stop,

and not even, like,
"Ha, thinking."

I'd be at the mall,

and I'd see a candle,

and I think, "Oh, Penelope
would really like that."

- All right.
I don't think that's mind game.

- This is super weird.
A couple of days ago,

I almost got hit by a car
on my way to work.

Like, two meters to the left,
that would have been...

First thing I thought to do
was call her.

It's like, "Get out of my head."

- It sounds like you're falling
in love with her.

- Well, something's going on.

Here, let me update
my dating profiles

and drown myself in women.

- Don't be afraid to fall in
love, pal. It's really great.

- Oh, yeah? Are you and Astrid
still in love?

- Yes.
- Really?

- Crusher.
- Hmm?

Is that-- That's me?
- Hell yes, it is.

You have been
crushing this expansion.

Me too. We're both Crusher.

Hey, Ennis.

- That's my regular name.
I know what that means.

- Now, James, I'm gonna need you
to take over call

with a group of potential
franchisees on the West Coast,

3:00 p.m., Pacific Time.

- So, six? 6:00 p.m. our time.

- You've something else
going on then?

- Just my family.

- [laughs] Exactly! Let me know
how it goes.

- ENNIS: Well, Crusher.

Hey, take me with you when you
climb the corporate ladder.

- Yeah, yeah. Well, if he gives
me a raise, I'll do whatever.

Maybe some summer we can send
the kids away to a camp,

and Astrid and I can finally...

finish our conversation.

- Mm. Sounds like somebody
is playing mind games with you.

- ASTRID: Hi.
- DAWN: Oh, hey!

Viv's upstairs with Corey.

He's just teaching her
some basics on the theremin.

- A theremin?
- Mm-hmm.

- Hey, what is that?
Is it like a...

like a spooky TV antenna, or--

- It's the only instrument
you can play without touching.

- Yep. That's how I sound when I
haven't been touched in a while.

Anyway, how's the, uh...

vow renewal
party planning going?

- Super.

The catering's all set,

and Bo is just putting the
finishing touches

on the commitment arch.
- Oh.

- Oh, how was the meeting?
- I don't know.

The reception area
looks like a spa.

Everybody's 25,
and the only person I recognized

besides Chuck is Bubblegum.

- That's a person?

- Yeah, she used to do
the Starbucks run.

Now she's
a chief project planner

who will not respond
to Bubblegum.

- People change and grow.

You know, I used to hate
leaving my desk,

and now my job takes me
all around the world.

- So you can fire people.

- Someone has to, Astrid.

People don't volunteer to leave
when they've performed poorly

or there's a downturn
in the market.

- Right.

Well, my job is gonna be
completely different.

They have changed all our
graph software

to this, like, crazy new--

- AloGa?

Yes, Corey mastered it
at coding camp last summer.

- Okay. Well, it just seems like
a lot to learn, and I'm just...

I'm worried my brain doesn't
work in the same way as it did.

- Oh, I think they'd be lucky
to have you.

What does James say?

- I, uh...

I haven't have chance to talk
to him about it yet.

- DAWN: It's always good
to share your feelings.

You know, sometimes Bo writes
his fears on a napkin,

and leaves it in my purse
for me to find.

- Mm. We need our napkins
for spills,

and sometimes as toilet paper.

[dramatic music playing]

- Got your text.
They only had two percent.

Hello?

- ASTRID: In here.

- Uh-oh, kids finally break you?

You drop 'em off
at the fire station?

- [sighs]

They're upstairs watching
an unboxing video.

I just needed for no one to be
talking to me,

or touching me,
or asking me for juice.

- Mm. Guess I'll get my
own juice then.

- Do you wanna swap the juice
for beer? Help me make dinner?

- Uh-huh.

How did it go with Chuck?

- [both grunt]

- The city might be hosting
some of the World Cup games,

and, so, obviously,
they're not ready.

- Oh! Leave me alone.
- [mobile rings]

Not you. I--

I've a work call.
- Right now?

- Yeah. I gotta talk
to the Vancouver people.

I gotta dominate them, or I'm in
trouble, I guess. I'm so sorry.

Hello.

- FELIX: Mom,
the algorithm is getting weird.

- Okay.

- Felix is finally asleep.

You wanna split that last beer?

- Um, you help your son snooze,
you lose.

- Ah! 'Kay. Well.

I got consolation breakfast.

I wanna hear everything
about today.

Bubblegum still say, "Chai Tea"
or she moved on to coffee?

- Yeah, as much as I wanna vent
about Bubblegum,

I... I have to learn AloGa.

- I don't know what that means.
- It's ugly and stupid.

- Okay. Sounds fun.

You know what we should do? We
should, um, take a little break

and catch up on Project Runway.

- Okay, no.
Can you stop distracting me?

You have a real pop-up ad energy
right now.

- I just...
I just wanna hang out with you.

- I know. I wanna hang out, too,
but I have to learn this

if I wanna keep up with the 20
year olds and 50 year olds.

- Okay, okay. But Saturday,
we are gonna do some "us" time.

- Oh. No. We have
Dawn and Bo's vow thing.

- [sighs]

- VIV: Daddy!
My doll's looking at me.

- All right.

Well...

See you when we retire.

- MARLA: Insubordination cannot

and will not be tolerated
in this organization.

If Mississauga branch won't
take down their Easter display,

we will take it down for 'em.

- Yeah. It is a little late
for Easter.

- Okay, did they think
we're not watching?

Keeping track, writing down
names when the time comes.

- Time comes for what exactly?
- This is a goddamn rebellion.

Crusher, crush this.

- I'm on it. I'm gonna send...
email worded so strongly,

it eviscerates
all traces of Easter.

- Those decorations won't have
a Second Coming.

- That's a really
good joke, Marla.

- It's great.

Okay, clean this up.

- Why is it that Marla doesn't
seem to notice or care

that you are on your phone
all day?

- Hey, people use their phones
for work all the time.

You ever hear of Slack?
- Are you on Slack?

- No. This is a dating thing.

High Bidder.

You bid against other users
for potential dates.

It's like an auction
for attention.

I lost a bunch of money
when they got hacked.

But they fixed it.

- Dude, that sounds horrifying.
- No, no, no.

It's exciting.
See, you gotta be strategic.

You can't just bid on every girl
or you run out of Bid-bucks.

Plus, of course, you get the
Platinum membership, and then--

Oh, oh, oh! Come on!

- I gotta bid on Zoey. Damn it!
- [phone vibrates]

Who the hell is "hogsalad98"?

[sighs] See. Life is short.

You gotta take your shot
before it's too late.

Where are you going?

- Hey, Marla.

I'm gonna tear a strip off
of this guy in person.

- Crusher, Crusher.
Don't take any egg-scuses.

Easter eggs.

- Yep, yep.

- That's good too, Marla.
- I didn't ask you.

[dogs barking in distance]

- NARRATOR: Then, in October,

Morrow, Vic left
his chilling message...

- Hello.
- ...on Debany's phone.

- PERSON: I have your finger,
but it's not there anymore.

So I'm gonna get another one
very soon...

- [screaming]

- [screaming in agony]

- God! What is wrong with you?
Why would you do that?

- I was trying to surprise you.

I wanted to... get some
alone time with you. [groans]

- VIV: What did you do to Mommy?

- Huh? Oh!
- [screams, sniffling]

- Oh, my--
What is she doing home?

I thought she was supposed to be
with your mom.

- Mom canceled, because she got
bit by a cat.

- What are you doing
with earbuds in?

I could've been a murderer.

- I got an eye on her.

- What's a murder?

- Oh! That's a tough one.
Ah... Let me start here...

- James, go upstairs
and get changed.

- Okay, yes. Okay, okay.

- Oh.
- Forgot the toilet paper.

- VIV: Got you, Daddy.

- Oh, there she is. Oh, gosh!

You bring me down,
breaking me down...

[grunts]
- [giggles]

Do it again. Do it again.

- Nah. You do me now.

- Who wants pancakes?

- I'm not hungry.

- Pancakes are gross.
I want waffles.

- Well, I wanna take a shower

without one of you
opening the bathroom door,

but here we are.

- Knock, knock.
- Nanima!

- ...buddy!

Oh, don't you look like
a pretty princess today, Viv.

- Yes. She also looks
strong, and healthy.

- And sparkly,
like a little treasure.

- Mom, to what do we owe
this drop in?

- Well, I was hoping

I could borrow the rugrats
for the afternoon.

My friend, Graham,
who helped me with my cat bite,

mentioned that his church
is having a funfair, and...

Well, I can't go alone.

- [stammers] What kinda church
are we talking about?

- They had a float
in the Pride Parade.

It's all very woke.

- Honestly, I don't care
if it's a death cult singalong.

Take them,
keep them till Dawn's thing.

We could really use
the alone time.

- Oh! Oh, okay, okay!

Gotcha. Right. Okay, kids!

Let's get you upstairs,
and get dressed up.

We are going to confession.

- [Viv cheers, giggles]

- Uh...

- Uh, kidding. You guys relax
and enjoy yourselves.

Light some candles,
have a bath.

- Mum,
we don't need instructions.

- Okay. All right, kids.
Come on. Let's go.

Oh, just wait till we're gone
before you have the "adult nap."

- ASTRID: Oh, my God.
- Okay, kids.

Can I get a "Praise Jesus"?

- ASTRID: When you have young
kids, you take time for yourself

wherever you can.

You hide out in the bathroom.

You let them watch
a little more TV.

- JAMES: Sometimes when I take
the recycling out,

I kinda just stand there
for a minute.

- ASTRID: That sounds nice.
- JAMES: Oh, the best.

- ASTRID: When you suddenly
come into hours

of unplanned free time,

it can be super stressful
deciding what to do with it.

- JAMES: Yeah. You don't wanna
waste your free time,

so you panic
and just start doing...

stuff.

Well,

this place looks a little bit
less disgusting.

- Hmm.
- What should we... do?

- Hmm.

- This is your opening moves?

Music?
- Oh, yeah, that would be nice.

- Okay, what are we
looking at here?

You want like
a Taylor Swift situation,

or like a Cardi B vibe?
[mumbles]

- Is there someone
in the middle?

- Oh. Pink? I don't know.
That feels wrong.

[stutters] That's an interesting
question. It's kind of

like a thought experiment.
- James.

- Hmm? Yes. Sorry, I just,
I want this to be perfect,

but also, who cares?
Drum and bass.

- [phone vibrates]
- [drum and bass music playing]

One more, just a quick question.

Did you happen to bring that
spoon up here? By any chance?

- Mm.

- Oh! Oh, wow! Wow, wow, wow.

That was so, so...

ooh, so good.

So good.

Oh!

- James?
- [clears throat]

Hmm. My love?

- Was that... well...

Did you?
- Have my mind blown? Yes.

[laughs] Yeah,
that was so... so good.

- Did you just fake that orgasm?

- What are you talking about?

- I can feel things, you know.

Or not, as the case might be.

- Okay, here's what
probably happened.

I've been practicing
a lot of self-love...

- Oh.
- ...recently, and that's...

[stammers]
It reduces the, um... output.

- Yes. That must be it.
When were you doing that?

When you were washing the dishes
or driving to work?

- No.

Oh, um...

Fine. I was faking it.

- Yes, I know.
- Well... [exclaims]

Your face, your face.

[stutters] You look like
you are somewhere else.

- [sighs]

I'm sorry.
Yeah, I was distracted.

I... I got that work text,

and then it got in my head.
- It's my fault. I should have

had a playlist queued up.

- No, no. Well...

Drum and bass
is very demanding

but, no. I just honestly,
I can't--

I can't stop worrying
about work.

- That's normal. It's fine.
- No.

I feel like I'm not ready.
I feel like I'm not...

Like I'm not cut out
for it anymore.

- Look, as someone who works
in an office, trust me,

nobody is cut out for it.
You are gonna be fine.

- Ah! I know I'm gonna be fine.

I'm just saying to you
that I'm intimidated to go back.

- You'll be amazing.
You could do anything.

- What is it?
What are you doing?

What are you, like,
one of Viv's T-shirts?

You're just saying that because
you don't wanna change the plan.

- [sighs] Listen.

Two incomes is a good plan.

That's all.
- Because you think that

me going back means that
we won't have another baby.

Like, I can't do both.

- [exclaims] God, we have to
talk about this now. Come on.

[sighs]

- Do we have a bottle of wine
to take to Dawn and Bo's thing?

- No.

I'm sure we'll find something.

[thud]

[indistinct chatter]

- So this is the theremin.

This controls the volume.

You can also use this
to control the volume.

- Well, I hope you two
had a productive afternoon.

- I'm gonna go annoy my kids.

- Oh, please!

Who bought
the chintzy Irish cream?

- Who knows? You look beautiful.

- Ah! Thank you. Purple.

- PERSON: Kids, be careful
with that. Okay?

- DAWN: Thank you.

Thank you for being with us,
as Bo and I celebrate

our 11th trip
around the sun together.

- BO: As we do every year,
I'd like to

recommit to the vows we pledged
11 years ago. [chuckles]

I'd also like to add
some amendments.

- DAWN: Oh!

- Hey, hey.
Easy with the creampuffs.

Here, take this.
- Yuck.

- [both chuckle]

- Okay.

In sickness and in health, yes.

But also,
in home renovation purgatory.

[laughter]

- DAWN: But what is 11

except a couple of "ones"
who decided to stick together.

- ♪ A harbor in a storm ♪

♪ A doorway in an earthquake ♪

♪ A helicopter
in a volcanic eruption... ♪

♪ A panic room... ♪
- Oh, my God!

- [Dawn laughs]

Most of you haven't
aged a day since the wedding.

Except, of course,
our ring-bearer, Charlotte.

[exclaims]

- BO: Dawn, I know that
come what may,

I can never really die,

as long as I've
your love and support,

and your paella.

- [both chuckle]

- Damn it, Bo. Why do I let
you go first every year?

You did it again.

Ah! I'm a mess.

Bo.

I love you.

And I love
our sensible sex life.

- PERSON: What? [chuckles]

- Cheers!
- Cheers!

Om mani padme hum, Nisha.

[indistinct chatter]

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

- [sniffs]

- JAMES: Hey.

Corey's about to start
his theremining.

Saw the set list.
It got a song called

"A Tear with Three Sides."

- Should've called it
"Cry-angle."

- Mm-hmm.

- I'd love to hear why you're
intimidated to go back to work.

- [clicks tongue]

What if I've been out of
the data-analyst game too long

and I suck,

and it confirms that I'm only
good at being a mom?

- Hmm.

You might suck.

You might make a pie-chart
so bad it kills thousands.

- Why would I
have egg on my face?

- But you also might regret
not giving it a shot.

You love that job.

- Yeah, I know.

And I know that I'm supposed to
want to go back,

and that's why I feel guilty
for also...

stupidly wanting this baby.

- No. It's not stupid.

It's nuts, but it's not stupid.

Trust me. Being a great mother
is not nothing.

I grew up with my mum
yelling at me over Y&R.

- No!

I can't even imagine
your mum shouting.

- You've never gotten between
her and her stories.

[theremin playing]

Oh. Is that a theremin?
- [laughs]

- Is that what a theremin
sounds like?

- Yes.

- It's like a drunk radio.
- Yeah.

Like a mosquito
trying to hypnotize you.

- The kid is so weird.

- [both laugh]

- ASTRID: Good night, Viv.
- JAMES: Good night, Felix.

- ASTRID:
It's hard to stay connected

when the focus
of your relationship goes

from one another to trying to
keep your new tiny humans alive.

But you need to keep making time
for those moments where you can.

- [laughs] Oh, my--

- Shh.

- JAMES: And that doesn't mean
just sex.

It could be
any kind of connection.

A look, a conversation.

- ASTRID: Or a pretty
freaking sweet romp-in-the-hay

that you sneak in on a party
without anyone knowing.

- JAMES: About that...

I think they may figure it out.

- [laughs]

- [exclaims in disgust]

- Ooh.

- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- Mm.

Thank you.

Don't look at me.

That's a mouthful of cheese.

- Bring 'em on.

- [both laugh]

- How'd you like that?
- Mm-hmm.

It's gonna take me a second.

- [laughs]

[theremin playing]