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TITLE MUSIC PLAYS
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HE SLURPS
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Ah.
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Oh, come on.
5
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We Larkins, we don't approve
of worry, do we?
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Same way as we don't approve
of small portions,
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or meals without ketchup.
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Well, that's a wonderful attitude.
Thank you kindly.
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For someone appearing in court
in a week.
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And who could be going to prison.
Primrose! You may be a brainbox,
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00:00:30,003 --> 00:00:33,363
but you've got a lot to learn
about keeping up family morale.
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It's my accusers, they're the ones
that should be wearing
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the brown trousers,
if you get what I mean?
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Unhappy people do unhappy things.
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The Jerebohms are gonna learn
the hard way.
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You don't try and cheat the law,
or the Law-kins.
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I miss Mariette.
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And Charley. This house
is short of... tostesterone.
19
00:00:55,683 --> 00:00:57,002
No, that's not right.
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Toblerone?
Testosterone.
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And they'd want to be here
if she knew about it.
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We won't tell 'em, will we?
Let 'em enjoy their honeymoon.
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Get the old wanderlust
out of their bones.
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Then they can return after
this outrageous court case is over.
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Not that we're fretting about it.
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I'm late for work.
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You have a good day, darling.
And here's a good tip.
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Go for good news, find the joy.
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I'm a responsible journalist,
not Pollyanna.
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I love a bit of mood.
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Aww.
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You're a vicar.
You're not supposed to love people.
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Of course we should love people.
It's the whole basis of the Church.
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Concentrate on admin,
religious instruction,
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and, er, perking up the sick.
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I admire Primrose Larkin purely as
an intelligent, caring parishioner.
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Cock and bull.
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I know she's only 18,
but she's very emotionally mature.
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More cock and bull.
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Mainly cock.
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I'm not going out with her!
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Glad to hear it.
And if you want a distraction,
43
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you can take over some of my work.
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I've already taken it all over!
45
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Sorry, that... that was, erm...
un-vicarly.
46
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HE WHISTLES
A TUNE
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Whoa! Whoa!
CLATTERING
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Oh! Argh!
49
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Ivor! Stop mucking about!
50
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HE GROANS
51
00:02:27,363 --> 00:02:29,683
My arm!
Oof.
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In fact, when Enid started here,
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women had to wear bonnets
and gloves.
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And we began every day
by singing Rule Britannia.
55
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That's crazy!
I should write a piece about it.
56
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Don't. None of it's true.
57
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First law of journalism -
don't believe anyone,
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especially other journalists.
Is that true?
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00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:52,002
No. It's the third law.
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First law is always get a receipt
for your expenses,
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00:02:54,003 --> 00:02:57,002
second is
never use the word diarrhoea.
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Why not?
It's just a horrible word.
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00:03:00,203 --> 00:03:04,002
Primrose, I hear your father's gonna
be in court, charged with burglary.
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Yes, he is. Obviously,
we'll report it sensitively,
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and very briefly.
66
00:03:08,843 --> 00:03:12,002
No. I want it reported
proudly and in full
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00:03:12,003 --> 00:03:14,002
because my Pop is honest and decent,
68
00:03:14,003 --> 00:03:17,002
and literally the best father
in Kent.
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And I'll cover it for the newspaper.
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00:03:18,843 --> 00:03:20,522
No, no, that would be unethical.
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00:03:20,523 --> 00:03:22,002
And we need you
to collate the classifieds
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and the hockey results.
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Which is more important,
hockey or my Pop's freedom?
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To the hockey fans, the hockey.
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I'm a reporter. I'll be fair.
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All right, but in order to avoid
accusations of bias,
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you'll need to use a pseudonym.
We have several on file.
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Jill Quimbyson, Trevor Mang.
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00:03:39,003 --> 00:03:42,003
Harry Streets, Tim Pigman.
Ada O'Flaherty.
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I'll make my own, thanks.
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Oh, suit yourself.
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Afternoon, Mrs Larkin.
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It's absolutely ghastly
about Mr Larkin.
84
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Thank you, Edith,
but we are strong people.
85
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Why would Pop burgle anyone when
he's already got lashings of money?
86
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Exactly.
87
00:04:06,003 --> 00:04:09,002
Though the court
may uncover other motivation -
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00:04:09,003 --> 00:04:11,002
rivalry, kleptomania.
89
00:04:11,003 --> 00:04:13,002
Or the sheer thrill of the snatch.
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00:04:13,003 --> 00:04:18,042
Miss Chand doesn't mean any harm.
She reads a lot of detective novels.
91
00:04:18,043 --> 00:04:22,002
Well, PC Harness was there,
and he saw fit to arrest Mr Larkin.
92
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That is because PC Harness is dim,
and monumentally gullible.
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Bless him.
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00:04:28,003 --> 00:04:30,002
All right, Mrs Larkin?
95
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I've had better weeks,
if I'm honest, Pauline.
96
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We were just talking about
your boyfriend.
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I've given him an earful
about how he let Pop down.
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Oh, but he's a nice fella, your lad.
Bright as a button.
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He isn't, though, is he?
I'm bored with him.
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Oh.
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It's like being followed around
by a puppy wearing a hard blue hat.
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Scum! Enemy of the people!
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Come away, Miss Pilchester.
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00:05:00,523 --> 00:05:04,002
Just to be clear,
we're all fully aware
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00:05:04,003 --> 00:05:06,002
that you put the Jerebohms
up to this.
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00:05:06,003 --> 00:05:10,002
I know you're upset,
so probably a little wobbly,
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but that is slander.
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Maybe we should sue you,
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so you can appear in the dock
with your husband.
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Oh, if anyone's gonna be joining me
in the dock,
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it'll be you
and your fellow conspirators.
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Hardly. Apart from anything,
our good friends, the Jerebohms,
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have engaged one of the country's
top lawyers.
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Mr Barlow. From London.
He never loses.
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Well, there's a first time
for everything.
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You can't buy justice.
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I hope.
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How am I meant to get it
in the paper?
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Ah. It's our celebrity vicar!
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Not bad, eh?
121
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Good day to you, Miss Larkin.
Good afternoon, Reverend Candy.
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Thank you for joining me for lunch.
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No, thank YOU.
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So formal?
He's briefing me
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on religious matters
for an article I'm keen to write.
126
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Oh, sounds like a riot
127
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So, seven o'clock,
I need it on my desk. Tonight.
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Oi.
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Oi, yourself.
130
00:06:30,003 --> 00:06:32,002
How are you getting on
with your copper?
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None of your business, Vic.
132
00:06:35,003 --> 00:06:39,002
I imagine you're still
burning a torch for Charley,
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00:06:39,003 --> 00:06:40,042
Mariette's husband.
134
00:06:40,043 --> 00:06:43,002
Do you?
I've never seen a couple
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more in love on their wedding day.
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I'm surprised you noticed,
you old drunk.
137
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Well, good for you, if you're happy
with PC Pointless.
138
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Fish paste sandwich?
Oh, thanks.
139
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Half a goose?
Thank you.
140
00:07:15,043 --> 00:07:18,002
I'm just not used to
keeping secrets.
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It's not the Larkin way.
Especially about happy things.
142
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I'm sorry, it's just simpler.
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People think vicars
are public property,
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there to serve just them.
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As long as you're not ashamed of me.
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Of course I'm not.
SHE GIGGLES
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You've got fish paste in my mouth!
I don't care.
148
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Loaves and fishes?
149
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THEY CHUCKLE
150
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I still think it's silly,
keeping it quiet.
151
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Didn't see me.
152
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No, it's fine. On your way.
153
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I still can't believe
people listen to what I say!
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I suppose they have to.
155
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Oh, the day gets better and better.
156
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Don't say that.
157
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What a waste of such pretty faces.
158
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Quick, someone,
rustle me up a smile.
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Oh!
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We're still worried about Pop.
He's still not taking it serious.
161
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Well, I am.
162
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Law books from the library.
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And Pop is taking it serious,
in his own way,
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but it's...
HAMMERING
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Order! Order!
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HE LAUGHS
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Look what I found
in the dressing-up box.
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Judge Pop!
169
00:08:56,363 --> 00:09:00,002
Oh. Ivor's broken his arm,
and everyone else is on holibobs,
170
00:09:00,003 --> 00:09:02,002
so I'm gonna do
the swimming pool myself.
171
00:09:02,003 --> 00:09:05,003
No, you're not, darling.
172
00:09:07,003 --> 00:09:11,042
The Jerebohms' lawyer is top-notch.
He's from London. Never loses.
173
00:09:11,043 --> 00:09:14,002
That's what they said about Hitler.
What?
174
00:09:14,003 --> 00:09:17,002
Come on, ease up, Ma, eh?
I'm not good at the serious.
175
00:09:17,003 --> 00:09:21,002
Oh, nor am I, but we're in a hole,
so drop everything else -
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geese, swimming pools -
and we will prepare our case
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so we're ready for anything
they throw at us.
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00:09:26,003 --> 00:09:30,002
The textbooks do advise against
representing yourself in court, Pop.
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00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:32,002
But you know what, Prim,
one thing I am good at,
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00:09:32,003 --> 00:09:35,002
talking my way out of a hole.
Oh, that's true.
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00:09:35,003 --> 00:09:37,002
He's a natural performer,
always was.
182
00:09:37,003 --> 00:09:40,002
Halfway through our first date,
he whipped out his...
183
00:09:40,003 --> 00:09:41,522
We know!
You told us.
184
00:09:41,523 --> 00:09:44,002
..mouth organ.
If you're doing without a lawyer,
185
00:09:44,003 --> 00:09:47,522
you'll need to rein in your natural
Larkin-ness. I can tone that down.
186
00:09:47,523 --> 00:09:49,002
Stress your generous nature.
187
00:09:49,003 --> 00:09:51,682
Yeah, but I don't wanna boast, Ma.
You don't have to.
188
00:09:51,683 --> 00:09:54,842
Call character witnesses who list
your good points. I'll do it!
189
00:09:54,843 --> 00:09:58,002
Oh, Victoria, you're a darling.
190
00:09:58,003 --> 00:10:00,002
But it can't be family.
191
00:10:00,003 --> 00:10:03,002
You need to memorise some paperwork
because reading isn't your forte.
192
00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:05,362
Forty?
I thought I was probably about a 12.
193
00:10:05,363 --> 00:10:08,002
THEY LAUGH
194
00:10:08,003 --> 00:10:11,002
You should use that in court, Dad.
No, he really shouldn't.
195
00:10:11,003 --> 00:10:13,002
SHE SNIFFLES
196
00:10:13,003 --> 00:10:16,002
Thank you.
Little cherub.
197
00:10:16,003 --> 00:10:18,002
We'll finish building
the swimming pool.
198
00:10:18,003 --> 00:10:20,002
Are you sure, cabbage?
199
00:10:20,003 --> 00:10:22,002
I mean, we all know you're
a technical how's-yer-father,
200
00:10:22,003 --> 00:10:23,002
but it's a big job.
201
00:10:23,003 --> 00:10:26,003
No, we will.
We wanna help.
202
00:10:27,003 --> 00:10:28,842
We've been stepping out
for six months now,
203
00:10:28,843 --> 00:10:31,002
so I must be doing something right!
Not necessarily.
204
00:10:31,003 --> 00:10:33,002
But you love my uniform.
205
00:10:33,003 --> 00:10:36,203
Nah, the novelty's worn off.
And the helmet's just irritating.
206
00:10:37,843 --> 00:10:41,002
Well, erm, OK.
Er, what else am I doing wrong?
207
00:10:41,003 --> 00:10:44,002
Well, you left it to the vicar
208
00:10:44,003 --> 00:10:47,002
to fight off that bunch of thugs
last week.
209
00:10:47,003 --> 00:10:49,042
No, not bad Vicar. Good Vicar.
210
00:10:49,043 --> 00:10:51,682
So I told him,
"Yes, I'll baptise your dog
211
00:10:51,683 --> 00:10:53,002
"if you give me
your three-piece suite."
212
00:10:53,003 --> 00:10:57,002
Your Rev looks like he needs a pint,
and a laugh.
213
00:10:57,003 --> 00:10:59,362
No, he's not really one
for pleasure.
214
00:10:59,363 --> 00:11:03,002
And you do that daft grin.
You like it, you said it was sweet.
215
00:11:03,003 --> 00:11:07,002
Now you just look like an idiot.
And you arrested Pop Larkin.
216
00:11:07,003 --> 00:11:09,682
He was carrying a bag full of cash,
standing next to an empty safe!
217
00:11:09,683 --> 00:11:12,002
I don't care!
Support the decent folk.
218
00:11:12,003 --> 00:11:14,002
Mariette's a cow,
but Pop's always been a sweetheart.
219
00:11:14,003 --> 00:11:16,002
Look, I can fix all this -
the bravery,
220
00:11:16,003 --> 00:11:19,002
my dribbling when we kiss,
crying after we have our snookies,
221
00:11:19,003 --> 00:11:21,002
and the daft grinning.
222
00:11:21,003 --> 00:11:23,003
And I'll make sure Pop gets off, OK?
I promise.
223
00:11:24,003 --> 00:11:26,002
You're the best thing
in my life, Pauline.
224
00:11:26,003 --> 00:11:29,002
And that used to be
being a policeman.
225
00:11:29,003 --> 00:11:31,002
No, you've had a good run.
226
00:11:31,003 --> 00:11:32,003
It's over.
227
00:11:57,003 --> 00:11:58,003
Quiet, please.
228
00:11:59,003 --> 00:12:02,003
Will the defendant please stand?
229
00:12:04,203 --> 00:12:08,002
Sidney Charles Larkin,
you are hereby charged
230
00:12:08,003 --> 00:12:10,682
that on the 5th of July 1959,
231
00:12:10,683 --> 00:12:15,362
at Bluff Court, Littlechurch,
you unlawfully appropriated cash
232
00:12:15,363 --> 00:12:18,002
to the value of £500
233
00:12:18,003 --> 00:12:21,002
belonging to
a Mrs Phyllis Mae Jerebohm
234
00:12:21,003 --> 00:12:25,002
and a Mr Cuthbert Raoul Jerebohm.
235
00:12:25,003 --> 00:12:28,002
Do you plead guilty, or not guilty?
236
00:12:28,003 --> 00:12:29,003
What do you think?
237
00:12:36,003 --> 00:12:38,002
Maybe we shouldn't have offered
to do this. Yeah.
238
00:12:38,003 --> 00:12:41,002
Let's just fill it with water,
add a few ducks. And call it a pond.
239
00:12:41,003 --> 00:12:42,522
Come on, we can do it.
240
00:12:42,523 --> 00:12:45,002
Yeah. The first thing Pop can do
when he's not guilty
241
00:12:45,003 --> 00:12:47,843
is come home and take a swim
in his new pool.
242
00:12:55,523 --> 00:12:57,842
The facts are that you were found
243
00:12:57,843 --> 00:13:00,842
by Mr and Mrs Jerebohm
in their home, having broken in,
244
00:13:00,843 --> 00:13:04,002
witnessed by Alec Norman
and PC Harness,
245
00:13:04,003 --> 00:13:07,002
carrying a hold-all
full of banknotes,
246
00:13:07,003 --> 00:13:11,002
while their safe lay open and empty.
247
00:13:11,003 --> 00:13:13,002
Bit of a coincidence, in't it, eh?
248
00:13:13,003 --> 00:13:15,002
Them calling a copper
even before I've arrived.
249
00:13:15,003 --> 00:13:16,003
Don't that say set-up to you?
250
00:13:18,003 --> 00:13:19,682
It's my turn to ask the questions.
251
00:13:19,683 --> 00:13:22,002
And I got a phone call
ten minutes earlier
252
00:13:22,003 --> 00:13:26,002
from a very weepy Pinkie Jerebohm,
begging me to take over some cash
253
00:13:26,003 --> 00:13:27,002
cos she needs escape funds
254
00:13:27,003 --> 00:13:30,002
as her old man is bullying her
and keeping her short, yeah?
255
00:13:30,003 --> 00:13:32,002
Unforgivable, what she did!
256
00:13:32,003 --> 00:13:34,002
No contributions
from the public, please.
257
00:13:34,003 --> 00:13:39,002
We threw a barbecue for them,
and this is the thanks we get!
258
00:13:39,003 --> 00:13:42,683
Ah, thank you, Ma. Next question.
Keep 'em coming.
259
00:13:53,003 --> 00:13:56,002
It's a scandal
they don't allow smoking in court.
260
00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:58,003
Yes, and peeing.
261
00:13:59,003 --> 00:14:02,682
All right, Brigadier?
Yes. It's, er, going well in there.
262
00:14:02,683 --> 00:14:04,003
Yeah, looking good.
263
00:14:08,843 --> 00:14:10,002
Are you all right, PC Harness?
264
00:14:10,003 --> 00:14:14,522
No. Pauline's chucked me
cos, apparently, I'm boring.
265
00:14:14,523 --> 00:14:16,002
Oh, dear.
266
00:14:16,003 --> 00:14:18,002
And irritating.
Oh, dear.
267
00:14:18,003 --> 00:14:21,002
And cos I let down Mr Larkin
by arresting him.
268
00:14:21,003 --> 00:14:22,003
Mm.
269
00:14:23,203 --> 00:14:26,002
How am I gonna get Pauline back?
270
00:14:26,003 --> 00:14:28,003
Are you sure you want her back?
271
00:14:31,003 --> 00:14:33,002
She's quite sulky.
272
00:14:33,003 --> 00:14:35,002
You're joking, aren't you?
273
00:14:35,003 --> 00:14:37,002
She's the sexiest girl
in the whole of Kent.
274
00:14:37,003 --> 00:14:39,002
Right.
275
00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:41,002
Of course, you could start
by helping get Pop off
276
00:14:41,003 --> 00:14:44,002
when you testify in court.
Yes. That's on my list.
277
00:14:44,003 --> 00:14:47,002
Now, I'm no expert in love,
278
00:14:47,003 --> 00:14:51,002
but Pauline seems the type
who wants what she can't have,
279
00:14:51,003 --> 00:14:54,002
so make her jealous.
Go out with someone else.
280
00:14:54,003 --> 00:14:55,002
That's brilliant.
281
00:14:55,003 --> 00:14:57,202
Actually,
it's quite basic psychology.
282
00:14:57,203 --> 00:14:59,002
Oh.
283
00:14:59,003 --> 00:15:01,002
OK.
284
00:15:01,003 --> 00:15:04,002
Hello, constable.
I need the ladies'.
285
00:15:04,003 --> 00:15:06,002
Speaking of which, so do I!
286
00:15:06,003 --> 00:15:07,003
HE LAUGHS
287
00:15:10,003 --> 00:15:13,042
Hey, Libby, are you free
to go out with me?
288
00:15:13,043 --> 00:15:15,042
Um...
289
00:15:15,043 --> 00:15:18,003
Oh, that's such
a difficult decision.
290
00:15:19,003 --> 00:15:20,683
No.
291
00:15:32,003 --> 00:15:35,002
Mr Norman,
292
00:15:35,003 --> 00:15:37,002
you were present
293
00:15:37,003 --> 00:15:39,522
when the accused
committed the offence.
294
00:15:39,523 --> 00:15:44,002
Yes. Mr and Mrs Jerebohm and I
were foregathering
295
00:15:44,003 --> 00:15:46,522
to discuss a charity donation
to the Mid Kent Police,
296
00:15:46,523 --> 00:15:49,002
whose work we hugely admire.
297
00:15:49,003 --> 00:15:51,682
Law and order are vital
298
00:15:51,683 --> 00:15:54,002
now that so many social structures
are broken.
299
00:15:54,003 --> 00:15:55,362
Amen to that.
300
00:15:55,363 --> 00:16:00,002
This is a con! He's never given
away a penny in his life!
301
00:16:00,003 --> 00:16:03,522
One more outpouring and I will
have you removed from this place.
302
00:16:03,523 --> 00:16:07,002
Apologies. I will control myself.
303
00:16:07,003 --> 00:16:09,522
That's where Mr Larkin
and we three differ -
304
00:16:09,523 --> 00:16:12,002
he thinks nothing
of robbing his neighbours.
305
00:16:12,003 --> 00:16:14,002
We are large-scale philanthropists.
306
00:16:14,003 --> 00:16:16,002
He is just making things up!
307
00:16:16,003 --> 00:16:18,003
That's enough! Remove that woman.
308
00:16:21,003 --> 00:16:24,003
You are asking for more than a slap.
309
00:16:25,003 --> 00:16:26,002
You see, Your Honours?
310
00:16:26,003 --> 00:16:29,002
That's the real Pop, right there.
311
00:16:29,003 --> 00:16:30,003
Terrifying.
312
00:16:40,003 --> 00:16:44,002
Did you, at any time,
ring the accused
313
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,522
and ask him to bring you money?
314
00:16:45,523 --> 00:16:50,002
No, I didn't. Mr Jerebohm
is kind and most generous.
315
00:16:50,003 --> 00:16:51,002
I lack for nothing.
316
00:16:51,003 --> 00:16:53,003
Well...
317
00:16:54,003 --> 00:16:59,002
Why do you imagine Mr Larkin
burgled your house?
318
00:16:59,003 --> 00:17:00,002
Well, I trusted him,
319
00:17:00,003 --> 00:17:03,002
so I mentioned we keep cash
in our not-very-safe safe,
320
00:17:03,003 --> 00:17:05,202
and the cars were parked
in the garage for once,
321
00:17:05,203 --> 00:17:07,002
so it looked like we were out.
322
00:17:07,003 --> 00:17:09,002
Mm.
323
00:17:09,003 --> 00:17:13,363
And did he, erm...
have any reason to hate you?
324
00:17:15,003 --> 00:17:16,363
Jealousy.
Ah.
325
00:17:18,003 --> 00:17:21,362
Tell me more about his, erm,
jealousy.
326
00:17:21,363 --> 00:17:24,002
Well, he was jealous
of our big house
327
00:17:24,003 --> 00:17:27,042
that he used to own,
but couldn't afford to maintain.
328
00:17:27,043 --> 00:17:29,002
Poor lady.
329
00:17:29,003 --> 00:17:31,003
Awful experience.
Hear, hear.
330
00:17:50,003 --> 00:17:53,002
Want a spray? It's lovely stuff.
331
00:17:53,003 --> 00:17:55,002
Covers up the stench of lies.
332
00:17:55,003 --> 00:17:56,003
No?
333
00:18:00,203 --> 00:18:02,002
How's it going?
334
00:18:02,003 --> 00:18:04,002
Oh, it's a load of old codswallop
being spoken in there,
335
00:18:04,003 --> 00:18:06,002
I'll tell you that.
Sorry - my mouth.
336
00:18:06,003 --> 00:18:08,003
You've been slung out of
worse places, Ma.
337
00:18:09,003 --> 00:18:11,002
Hello, Primrose.
Oh, hello.
338
00:18:11,003 --> 00:18:14,522
I'm testifying shortly.
Must be nerve-wracking.
339
00:18:14,523 --> 00:18:18,002
I'm used to it. The important thing
is we get your dad off.
340
00:18:18,003 --> 00:18:19,042
Yes.
341
00:18:19,043 --> 00:18:22,042
So, I hear you're footloose
and fancy free.
342
00:18:22,043 --> 00:18:23,682
Well, in fact, I'm...
343
00:18:23,683 --> 00:18:25,362
Yes. Yes, I am.
344
00:18:25,363 --> 00:18:28,002
Me, too. It feels odd.
345
00:18:28,003 --> 00:18:31,002
I guess I'm very monogamous.
346
00:18:31,003 --> 00:18:33,002
So you're more of a gibbon
or a penguin than a lion.
347
00:18:33,003 --> 00:18:35,002
So you've heard my mum talking?
348
00:18:35,003 --> 00:18:37,003
SHE CHUCKLES
349
00:18:44,003 --> 00:18:45,003
All right, mate?
Yeah.
350
00:18:46,003 --> 00:18:47,202
I wish we were there.
351
00:18:47,203 --> 00:18:50,002
Ma didn't want us to see Pop
having to be rude.
352
00:18:50,003 --> 00:18:54,002
Yeah, he has to say things like,
"The court knows you're lying."
353
00:18:54,003 --> 00:18:56,522
And, "I put it to you
that you're a bloody toe-rag."
354
00:18:56,523 --> 00:18:59,003
Yeah, I guess he's just trying
to protect us.
355
00:19:01,203 --> 00:19:03,002
Whoa!
356
00:19:03,003 --> 00:19:05,003
Stop that! Stop that!
357
00:19:07,003 --> 00:19:11,002
Stop it! Stop it! Argh!
THEY CHUCKLE
358
00:19:11,003 --> 00:19:13,842
Well, they say the law is an ass.
They do.
359
00:19:13,843 --> 00:19:15,002
But I love an ass, don't you?
360
00:19:15,003 --> 00:19:18,003
I do. I'm glad you do, too.
361
00:19:19,003 --> 00:19:20,362
Mr Delamere!
362
00:19:20,363 --> 00:19:23,002
Darlings. How sublime to see you.
363
00:19:23,003 --> 00:19:26,002
Lost in thought?
Actually, I'm researching a role.
364
00:19:26,003 --> 00:19:28,002
"Man on bench"?
Touche.
365
00:19:28,003 --> 00:19:30,002
No, in fact, for this part,
366
00:19:30,003 --> 00:19:31,522
I have to look back a lot
over my life,
367
00:19:31,523 --> 00:19:34,003
so I'm working on
my nostalgic gaze.
368
00:19:37,003 --> 00:19:39,002
Or perhaps I should add
a sprinkling of hauteur?
369
00:19:39,003 --> 00:19:42,002
No, I think you've got that covered.
Yes, I'd agree with that.
370
00:19:42,003 --> 00:19:44,842
Listen, I hear that Pop Larkin's
in a bit of a bind.
371
00:19:44,843 --> 00:19:46,002
Can this be true?
Yes.
372
00:19:46,003 --> 00:19:48,682
We're due to appear
as character witnesses tomorrow.
373
00:19:48,683 --> 00:19:50,002
We're wracked with nerves.
374
00:19:50,003 --> 00:19:53,002
I have played so many law men.
375
00:19:53,003 --> 00:19:55,002
Did you catch my Judge Bendelack
in Peterborough?
376
00:19:55,003 --> 00:19:58,002
No, I missed that, sadly.
Me, too. Damn.
377
00:19:58,003 --> 00:20:00,682
It taught me how to win over
an audience.
378
00:20:00,683 --> 00:20:03,002
For what is a court of law,
if not a theatre?
379
00:20:03,003 --> 00:20:06,003
Well, I know most people find plays
a bit of a trial.
380
00:20:09,003 --> 00:20:11,002
Pop's a good man. I'd love to help.
381
00:20:11,003 --> 00:20:14,002
Perhaps I could talk you
through the process,
382
00:20:14,003 --> 00:20:15,002
use of voice and so on.
383
00:20:15,003 --> 00:20:18,362
Thanks, but I don't think you...
No, no, no, I insist.
384
00:20:18,363 --> 00:20:22,002
For thrice is he arm'd
that hath his quarrel just.
385
00:20:22,003 --> 00:20:23,202
What does that mean?
386
00:20:23,203 --> 00:20:25,843
Oh, I never worry about the meaning.
387
00:20:40,003 --> 00:20:42,002
Hmm.
388
00:20:42,003 --> 00:20:43,842
Constable Harness,
389
00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:48,002
you immediately arrested Mr Larkin
when you caught him red-handed.
390
00:20:48,003 --> 00:20:51,002
In fact,
I regret arresting Mr Larkin
391
00:20:51,003 --> 00:20:53,002
because I consider him innocent.
392
00:20:53,003 --> 00:20:56,002
LAWYER CHUCKLES
And you say that now
393
00:20:56,003 --> 00:20:58,002
because your girlfriend,
Miss Malloy,
394
00:20:58,003 --> 00:21:01,002
is a huge admirer of Mr Larkin,
is she not?
395
00:21:01,003 --> 00:21:02,002
She's, er...
396
00:21:02,003 --> 00:21:04,002
She's not my girlfriend.
397
00:21:04,003 --> 00:21:06,003
In any case,
I have always been my own man.
398
00:21:07,363 --> 00:21:09,003
Mm.
399
00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:15,042
Did you search Mr Larkin
when you arrested him?
400
00:21:15,043 --> 00:21:19,002
Yes, I did.
And what did you find?
401
00:21:19,003 --> 00:21:23,002
Nothing incriminating.
Ah. We'll be the judge of that.
402
00:21:23,003 --> 00:21:25,002
As I recall,
it was half a tube of Rolos.
403
00:21:25,003 --> 00:21:29,002
That's a crime now, is it,
carrying confectionery?
404
00:21:29,003 --> 00:21:31,002
No.
Just checking.
405
00:21:31,003 --> 00:21:36,002
And what else did he have,
PC Harness?
406
00:21:36,003 --> 00:21:37,002
Erm, a hip flask.
407
00:21:37,003 --> 00:21:39,002
And?
A knife.
408
00:21:39,003 --> 00:21:45,002
Ah. So, Mr Larkin
was carrying a weapon.
409
00:21:45,003 --> 00:21:47,002
No, no, no, it's completely normal
round these parts.
410
00:21:47,003 --> 00:21:49,042
It's for getting stones out
from under your shoes, and... Yes.
411
00:21:49,043 --> 00:21:51,002
..that sort of thing.
412
00:21:51,003 --> 00:21:54,002
Let the bench note that we're now
dealing with armed burglary,
413
00:21:54,003 --> 00:21:58,203
which doubles the potential sentence
to... two years.
414
00:22:01,363 --> 00:22:03,002
Constable...
415
00:22:03,003 --> 00:22:06,003
I'm having a really bad week.
Please don't ask me anything.
416
00:22:19,003 --> 00:22:22,002
Despite all the bad blood shown
here today,
417
00:22:22,003 --> 00:22:23,522
there's one thing I'm not gonna do.
418
00:22:23,523 --> 00:22:27,042
Let a few snakes undermine our faith
in the beauty of the human spirit?
419
00:22:27,043 --> 00:22:29,202
I couldn't have put it better.
420
00:22:29,203 --> 00:22:32,003
Ham, chips and a gallon of beer
for tea? Yeah.
421
00:22:35,003 --> 00:22:38,002
I'm so sorry. I feel terrible.
422
00:22:38,003 --> 00:22:39,002
You did your best.
423
00:22:39,003 --> 00:22:42,003
You're so kind.
You always have been.
424
00:22:43,003 --> 00:22:48,003
This is, erm, bad timing, but do you
fancy going for a drink later?
425
00:22:49,523 --> 00:22:51,522
Thanks, Constable,
but it's a busy time.
426
00:22:51,523 --> 00:22:55,202
You know, new job, Dad might
go to prison... I understand.
427
00:22:55,203 --> 00:23:00,003
I'm relieved, in fact,
cos I'm still in love with Pauline.
428
00:23:03,003 --> 00:23:05,002
Well, she's looking over at us now,
429
00:23:05,003 --> 00:23:07,002
so maybe it'll help you
get back with her.
430
00:23:07,003 --> 00:23:12,002
Well, I'd hate for you to think
that I'm using you, but, erm...
431
00:23:12,003 --> 00:23:15,003
that sounds encouraging. Thank you.
432
00:23:25,003 --> 00:23:26,003
Mmm.
433
00:23:31,003 --> 00:23:32,362
Where's Primrose?
434
00:23:32,363 --> 00:23:35,003
She said she needed to go for
a long walk.
435
00:23:36,003 --> 00:23:38,522
Oi, don't make me start
a community sing-song.
436
00:23:38,523 --> 00:23:40,202
Come on, tomorrow's another day.
437
00:23:40,203 --> 00:23:43,002
Don't you need, like,
professional legal help, Pop?
438
00:23:43,003 --> 00:23:44,202
Even at this stage?
439
00:23:44,203 --> 00:23:48,002
It's not his fault that the couple
are so good at lying,
440
00:23:48,003 --> 00:23:51,002
cos they've clearly had
a lot of practice.
441
00:23:51,003 --> 00:23:52,002
Can we come and watch tomorrow?
442
00:23:52,003 --> 00:23:54,362
No, you don't wanna waste your time
with that nonsense.
443
00:23:54,363 --> 00:23:56,202
You still need to
take it serious, Pop.
444
00:23:56,203 --> 00:23:59,002
Ma, the thing I take serious
is my family,
445
00:23:59,003 --> 00:24:03,002
decent folk I know,
and pleasures of the flesh.
446
00:24:03,003 --> 00:24:05,042
Wahey!
HE CHUCKLES
447
00:24:05,043 --> 00:24:08,002
The rest is cobblers.
Pass the gammon.
448
00:24:08,003 --> 00:24:12,002
Monty, how's the pool going?
Good, but we need help.
449
00:24:12,003 --> 00:24:15,002
Don't worry, we'll pitch in
when the case is over.
450
00:24:15,003 --> 00:24:17,003
We know what we're doing.
451
00:24:25,003 --> 00:24:27,002
I'd love to grab your hand
452
00:24:27,003 --> 00:24:29,003
and just run through the village
shouting our names.
453
00:24:32,003 --> 00:24:34,002
And what would that achieve?
454
00:24:34,003 --> 00:24:36,002
This doesn't feel real
until we share it.
455
00:24:36,003 --> 00:24:38,002
And it's not like
you're a Catholic priest
456
00:24:38,003 --> 00:24:41,002
who's not allowed to enjoy,
you know... Yes. ..love and sex.
457
00:24:41,003 --> 00:24:42,002
Yes.
458
00:24:42,003 --> 00:24:43,843
No.
459
00:24:46,003 --> 00:24:48,042
I was asked out today
because he thought I was single,
460
00:24:48,043 --> 00:24:50,683
and I couldn't say I'm not.
It was really awkward.
461
00:24:53,003 --> 00:24:56,682
So next time, I'll say yes and see
what it's like to have a simple,
462
00:24:56,683 --> 00:24:58,682
honest relationship
like most people.
463
00:24:58,683 --> 00:25:02,043
Well, if that's what you want to do,
go ahead.
464
00:25:24,003 --> 00:25:27,362
'You're in a mess, Peggy,
an almighty mess,
465
00:25:27,363 --> 00:25:30,002
'but I'm going to see that you
get a fair trial.'
466
00:25:30,003 --> 00:25:32,002
'Thank you kindly, sir.'
467
00:25:32,003 --> 00:25:36,002
'Don't thank me. Thank God
that we're living in a country
468
00:25:36,003 --> 00:25:39,842
'where justice is within easy reach
for all.'
469
00:25:39,843 --> 00:25:41,003
DRAMATIC
VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS
470
00:25:58,003 --> 00:26:00,003
THUD
'Argh!'
471
00:26:02,003 --> 00:26:05,002
Should we discuss what we've learnt,
in terms of Mr Larkin's legal case?
472
00:26:05,003 --> 00:26:09,002
Yes. It's terribly good, but we have
been watching for a while.
473
00:26:09,003 --> 00:26:12,003
Wait, wait, wait. I'm very vivid
in this scene. Watch.
474
00:26:27,003 --> 00:26:29,002
So, if you have heard anything
regarding Valentine,
475
00:26:29,003 --> 00:26:31,003
she was last seen...
476
00:26:33,003 --> 00:26:36,002
What's your Christian name?
Hedley. Hedley Harness?
477
00:26:36,003 --> 00:26:37,002
Yeah.
478
00:26:37,003 --> 00:26:39,003
No wonder you kept that quiet.
479
00:26:45,003 --> 00:26:47,003
Thank you.
480
00:26:48,003 --> 00:26:52,002
Evening, Pauline.
I'll have a half of cider. Hedley?
481
00:26:52,003 --> 00:26:53,522
I know what he likes.
482
00:26:53,523 --> 00:26:56,003
Two and fourpence.
483
00:26:59,003 --> 00:27:01,002
I didn't know you two were mates.
484
00:27:01,003 --> 00:27:03,363
Oh, yeah, it's been bubbling up
for a while.
485
00:27:05,003 --> 00:27:06,003
I'll bring it over.
486
00:27:08,003 --> 00:27:11,003
SHE FAKE LAUGHS
Oh, dear!
487
00:27:21,003 --> 00:27:22,003
Thank you.
488
00:27:25,683 --> 00:27:28,003
Well, cheers.
Cheers.
489
00:27:30,003 --> 00:27:31,523
HE SNORTS
490
00:27:33,003 --> 00:27:36,003
Oh, that's mainly Worcester sauce
with a hint of pork.
491
00:27:43,003 --> 00:27:45,003
DOOR SLAMS
492
00:27:48,003 --> 00:27:49,522
'If the Sheriff of Nottingham
493
00:27:49,523 --> 00:27:52,002
'believes he can set foot
in this forest,
494
00:27:52,003 --> 00:27:54,002
'then he's got another
thing coming!'
495
00:27:54,003 --> 00:27:56,003
CHEERING IN FILM
496
00:27:59,003 --> 00:28:00,002
REEL CLATTERS
497
00:28:00,003 --> 00:28:01,043
Oh.
498
00:28:06,003 --> 00:28:08,683
There. Now to work.
499
00:28:12,003 --> 00:28:14,002
Did I say that I'm happy
with our strategy,
500
00:28:14,003 --> 00:28:17,002
but I'm a bit worried
that I've offended Pauline?
501
00:28:17,003 --> 00:28:18,003
Yes, you did.
502
00:28:21,003 --> 00:28:23,002
Oh, I should say
that I have a boyfriend.
503
00:28:23,003 --> 00:28:25,002
Oh.
But I can't name him.
504
00:28:25,003 --> 00:28:27,003
Why?
Exactly!
505
00:28:39,683 --> 00:28:42,002
The truth will out tomorrow,
506
00:28:42,003 --> 00:28:46,843
and I, for one, am more excited
even than before our wedding night.
507
00:28:50,003 --> 00:28:54,002
We agreed we'd make this round last,
didn't we, Norma?
508
00:28:54,003 --> 00:28:55,003
Yes.
509
00:28:59,043 --> 00:29:04,003
Except the truth is... that you
and the Jerebohms lied in court.
510
00:29:05,003 --> 00:29:07,843
So let's hope it doesn't get out.
511
00:29:13,003 --> 00:29:16,002
So, this man that you're seeing...
Yes.
512
00:29:16,003 --> 00:29:18,002
..you want him to know
that you're out with me?
513
00:29:18,003 --> 00:29:21,002
Yes. I assumed that
news of us coming in together
514
00:29:21,003 --> 00:29:22,683
would get back to him somehow.
515
00:29:27,003 --> 00:29:28,843
Mm, that might be a problem.
516
00:29:41,003 --> 00:29:43,003
Oh, I think news
will get back to him now.
517
00:29:51,003 --> 00:29:54,003
THEY SING
THE SAME NOTE
518
00:29:57,003 --> 00:29:58,002
So, that's voice projection.
519
00:29:58,003 --> 00:30:01,002
Now, the keys to being listened to
and believed
520
00:30:01,003 --> 00:30:04,002
are repeat and retard.
521
00:30:04,003 --> 00:30:05,002
Retard?
522
00:30:05,003 --> 00:30:07,002
Yes. Take Anthony in Julius Caesar.
523
00:30:07,003 --> 00:30:11,002
He says "Brutus is
an honourable man" four times.
524
00:30:11,003 --> 00:30:13,002
Right.
That's too many times.
525
00:30:13,003 --> 00:30:15,002
No, no, no, no.
No, the more you repeat it,
526
00:30:15,003 --> 00:30:18,002
the truer it becomes.
And retard your delivery.
527
00:30:18,003 --> 00:30:21,002
Edith in particular, darling,
cos you're a bit of a gabbler.
528
00:30:21,003 --> 00:30:24,002
So, Mr Larkin
529
00:30:24,003 --> 00:30:27,003
is... generous... and honest.
530
00:30:28,203 --> 00:30:31,002
And as the coup de grace, I like to
add a little break in the voice
531
00:30:31,003 --> 00:30:32,202
to convey emotion.
532
00:30:32,203 --> 00:30:36,002
As in... Mr Larkin is
533
00:30:36,003 --> 00:30:40,003
the... kindest man alive.
534
00:30:41,003 --> 00:30:43,002
It's a bit advanced,
but give it a go.
535
00:30:43,003 --> 00:30:47,202
Oh, er... Mr Larkin
is the kindest...
536
00:30:47,203 --> 00:30:49,002
I'm sorry.
537
00:30:49,003 --> 00:30:53,002
Mr Larkin is the kind...
538
00:30:53,003 --> 00:30:54,522
SHE COUGHS
No, no, no, no, darling,
539
00:30:54,523 --> 00:30:56,002
that's too much. Pull it back.
540
00:30:56,003 --> 00:30:58,002
SHE COUGHS
541
00:30:58,003 --> 00:31:01,002
Johnny, much appreciated,
542
00:31:01,003 --> 00:31:03,362
but I think
people like genuine emotion.
543
00:31:03,363 --> 00:31:07,002
Yes, and faking that genuineness
takes hard work, believe me.
544
00:31:07,003 --> 00:31:09,002
Now, costume.
545
00:31:09,003 --> 00:31:11,002
Costume?
I think he just means clothing.
546
00:31:11,003 --> 00:31:15,002
The best way to inspire trust
is to wear bright colours.
547
00:31:15,003 --> 00:31:19,002
"Let him put on gay raiment
who would truth speak,"
548
00:31:19,003 --> 00:31:22,002
as Shakespeare put it... probably.
549
00:31:22,003 --> 00:31:24,002
Oh, I thought
I'd wear my army uniform.
550
00:31:24,003 --> 00:31:26,002
No, no, no. As a character witness,
551
00:31:26,003 --> 00:31:28,002
you have to come across as warm
and friendly.
552
00:31:28,003 --> 00:31:30,002
So wear a cuddly jumper.
553
00:31:30,003 --> 00:31:34,002
And so, with that final
knitwear recommendation,
554
00:31:34,003 --> 00:31:35,362
good luck tomorrow.
555
00:31:35,363 --> 00:31:39,003
And let us try to keep Pop
out of prison!
556
00:31:45,003 --> 00:31:48,003
HE GENTLY SNORES
557
00:32:03,003 --> 00:32:06,003
Out you jump, Ma.
There you go, all right?
558
00:32:11,003 --> 00:32:12,002
You pink hussy!
559
00:32:12,003 --> 00:32:15,003
Hey, hey, hey, Ma, come on.
Ma, come on.
560
00:32:33,003 --> 00:32:36,002
God, you look awful.
No, no, not awful.
561
00:32:36,003 --> 00:32:39,002
Just less like an English rose
and more like a... tired thistle.
562
00:32:39,003 --> 00:32:41,682
I went to the pub last night.
563
00:32:41,683 --> 00:32:43,002
Doesn't sound very you.
564
00:32:43,003 --> 00:32:45,002
Don't you prefer to curl up
with a thick hardback?
565
00:32:45,003 --> 00:32:48,002
Yes, but I was on a mission,
which I'm not at liberty to discuss.
566
00:32:48,003 --> 00:32:51,002
Suit yourself.
Anyway, how's this going?
567
00:32:51,003 --> 00:32:52,002
Family-wise, I'm petrified,
568
00:32:52,003 --> 00:32:54,362
but I think I've got
all the facts together.
569
00:32:54,363 --> 00:32:57,003
Yeah, I read your notes,
which are good.
570
00:32:59,003 --> 00:33:00,002
Your dad's gonna lose.
571
00:33:00,003 --> 00:33:02,002
Don't say that.
As it stands.
572
00:33:02,003 --> 00:33:05,002
I've covered a lot of cases,
and this kind of people
573
00:33:05,003 --> 00:33:08,003
are always believed
by this kind of people.
574
00:33:09,003 --> 00:33:10,003
But you never know.
575
00:33:17,003 --> 00:33:19,362
You forced your wife to phone me up,
didn't you?
576
00:33:19,363 --> 00:33:23,002
Does she look like the kind of woman
I could force to do anything?
577
00:33:23,003 --> 00:33:24,842
Very much not.
578
00:33:24,843 --> 00:33:27,202
No, she's the big, strict,
lovely mama.
579
00:33:27,203 --> 00:33:30,002
No such phone call was made,
as you know.
580
00:33:30,003 --> 00:33:33,002
Would you really
bring hundreds of pounds round
581
00:33:33,003 --> 00:33:34,842
to help out a woman you barely knew?
582
00:33:34,843 --> 00:33:37,002
Yes, if I...
A farmer such as yourself
583
00:33:37,003 --> 00:33:40,363
must have found it very hard
to live next to us in our mansion.
584
00:34:00,003 --> 00:34:02,002
HE HUMS
585
00:34:02,003 --> 00:34:04,003
HE VOCALISES
586
00:34:07,523 --> 00:34:12,003
Mr Larkin is... very... nice.
587
00:34:13,003 --> 00:34:16,002
And... always
588
00:34:16,003 --> 00:34:19,682
most... kind.
589
00:34:19,683 --> 00:34:24,002
Stop, no, you're just saying that...
rather slowly.
590
00:34:24,003 --> 00:34:25,002
Oh, all right, I'll stop, then.
591
00:34:25,003 --> 00:34:27,003
No, no, carry on.
592
00:34:30,003 --> 00:34:31,002
Good. Erm...
593
00:34:31,003 --> 00:34:33,002
HE CLEARS
HIS THROAT
594
00:34:33,003 --> 00:34:35,042
Mr Larkin... is...
595
00:34:35,043 --> 00:34:37,003
I think we've heard enough.
596
00:34:45,003 --> 00:34:46,002
I mean, look at Mr Larkin.
597
00:34:46,003 --> 00:34:48,002
He's a dreamboat
who could have any woman.
598
00:34:48,003 --> 00:34:50,002
He has untold riches
in his personality,
599
00:34:50,003 --> 00:34:51,002
so why would he bother
to steal money?
600
00:34:51,003 --> 00:34:53,002
Just doesn't make sense.
Sorry, am I gabbling?
601
00:34:53,003 --> 00:34:55,842
I was told not to. We had lessons
on how to make people believe
602
00:34:55,843 --> 00:34:57,002
what we're saying.
And can I just say,
603
00:34:57,003 --> 00:35:00,002
if he's sent to prison,
I will see him every day.
604
00:35:00,003 --> 00:35:02,002
Is that allowed? Or can you
only go once or twice a week?
605
00:35:02,003 --> 00:35:03,523
Is there a limit?
606
00:35:25,203 --> 00:35:27,363
We're nearly finished.
607
00:35:30,523 --> 00:35:33,003
SANDER WHIRRS
608
00:35:40,003 --> 00:35:44,003
CLUCKING
609
00:35:54,003 --> 00:35:57,002
I know we got into some scrapes
when we were young and crazy,
610
00:35:57,003 --> 00:36:00,002
but this is quite a turn up.
611
00:36:00,003 --> 00:36:03,002
Ma, we'll be all right.
Be one to tell the grandkids.
612
00:36:03,003 --> 00:36:05,002
No, it won't.
613
00:36:05,003 --> 00:36:08,842
I am shocked at how angry I feel.
It isn't me.
614
00:36:08,843 --> 00:36:14,002
Look... I could try to give people
the benefit of the doubt.
615
00:36:14,003 --> 00:36:16,002
You might wanna stop that.
Nah.
616
00:36:16,003 --> 00:36:20,002
You should have been tougher
on that pink monster.
617
00:36:20,003 --> 00:36:23,002
Well, Ma, look, I'm not saying
women can't be wrong'uns,
618
00:36:23,003 --> 00:36:25,002
but I still reckon
it's all coming from him.
619
00:36:25,003 --> 00:36:30,002
Oh. It won't make much difference...
if you're sent down.
620
00:36:30,003 --> 00:36:32,003
I still can't see that happening.
621
00:36:34,003 --> 00:36:39,002
They didn't exactly
turn in a blinder, Lord love 'em.
622
00:36:39,003 --> 00:36:41,202
How do we think that went?
623
00:36:41,203 --> 00:36:43,002
Us?
624
00:36:43,003 --> 00:36:44,362
Pretty well, I'd say.
625
00:36:44,363 --> 00:36:48,002
Yes, I thought so, too.
Well, we'd had the training.
626
00:36:48,003 --> 00:36:49,003
We had.
627
00:36:57,003 --> 00:37:01,842
It's important to relax
during stressful times.
628
00:37:01,843 --> 00:37:03,002
Those Jerebohms, they're so shady.
629
00:37:03,003 --> 00:37:06,003
I wonder if they've
done this before. What?
630
00:37:10,003 --> 00:37:11,002
Hello.
631
00:37:11,003 --> 00:37:13,002
Hello. You're right,
I'm a journalist.
632
00:37:13,003 --> 00:37:16,002
Why haven't I been investigating
the Jerebohms? Yep.
633
00:37:16,003 --> 00:37:18,043
Bad time to bother you. Sorry.
634
00:37:21,003 --> 00:37:23,003
Good luck
with the rest of the trial.
635
00:37:31,003 --> 00:37:33,003
HE SIGHS
636
00:37:40,003 --> 00:37:44,002
I'm sorry we've fallen out.
I hate this.
637
00:37:44,003 --> 00:37:45,043
Me, too.
638
00:37:46,203 --> 00:37:48,202
I heard that you went on a... date.
639
00:37:48,203 --> 00:37:51,002
Why are you doing that?
640
00:37:51,003 --> 00:37:54,002
Because I assumed you did it
to make a point
641
00:37:54,003 --> 00:37:58,002
and aren't intending on getting
seriously involved with PC... Thing.
642
00:37:58,003 --> 00:38:00,003
Yes, you're quite right.
643
00:38:01,003 --> 00:38:04,002
But I'm pleased to admit that
because I love openness and honesty,
644
00:38:04,003 --> 00:38:05,002
and if you can't give me that,
645
00:38:05,003 --> 00:38:07,002
then what's the point
in us being together?
646
00:38:07,003 --> 00:38:09,042
Love isn't a performance,
it's a bond.
647
00:38:09,043 --> 00:38:12,002
And all the more intense
and romantic for being private.
648
00:38:12,003 --> 00:38:13,002
Look at Romeo and Juliet.
649
00:38:13,003 --> 00:38:15,002
You do know what happened to them,
don't you?
650
00:38:15,003 --> 00:38:18,003
They became the greatest love story
ever told.
651
00:38:19,843 --> 00:38:22,002
This isn't a story. It's my life.
652
00:38:22,003 --> 00:38:24,002
And until we both
want the same things,
653
00:38:24,003 --> 00:38:25,843
then I guess we have nothing.
654
00:38:30,003 --> 00:38:32,003
HE SIGHS
655
00:38:38,003 --> 00:38:40,002
Here is a man
656
00:38:40,003 --> 00:38:44,002
with every motivation
and opportunity
657
00:38:44,003 --> 00:38:45,842
to rob his neighbours blind.
658
00:38:45,843 --> 00:38:49,002
A well-known local ducker-and-diver
659
00:38:49,003 --> 00:38:51,362
who could crack the Jerebohms'
very basic safe
660
00:38:51,363 --> 00:38:54,002
the way most of us
would open a drawer.
661
00:38:54,003 --> 00:38:56,362
Who, as a humble junkyard-owner,
662
00:38:56,363 --> 00:39:00,002
resented his new neighbours' wealth
and status
663
00:39:00,003 --> 00:39:01,002
and so...
HE CHUCKLES
664
00:39:01,003 --> 00:39:05,002
..made up a story that he was
helping out Mrs Jerebohm,
665
00:39:05,003 --> 00:39:11,003
a woman who can clearly look after
herself very nicely, thank you.
666
00:39:12,363 --> 00:39:16,042
Moonshine, from start to finish!
Someone stuff a wig in his mouth!
667
00:39:16,043 --> 00:39:18,003
Out!
668
00:39:21,003 --> 00:39:23,002
Right, love.
See you later, Ma.
669
00:39:23,003 --> 00:39:25,203
Please don't kiss the defendant!
670
00:39:28,003 --> 00:39:30,002
Why don't you kiss me in public?
671
00:39:30,003 --> 00:39:33,002
Because... of my lifelong battle
with chapped lips.
672
00:39:33,003 --> 00:39:38,002
Mr Larkin,
whose level of self-delusion
673
00:39:38,003 --> 00:39:41,002
is summed up by his decision
to represent himself in court,
674
00:39:41,003 --> 00:39:44,002
has seven - seven - children
675
00:39:44,003 --> 00:39:50,002
and a lifestyle which is known to be
extravagant bordering on reckless.
676
00:39:50,003 --> 00:39:55,002
So is it any wonder
that he was short of a few bob
677
00:39:55,003 --> 00:39:56,002
and needed to burgle next door?
678
00:39:56,003 --> 00:39:59,002
I know for a fact that the Larkins
have two suitcases full of cash
679
00:39:59,003 --> 00:40:01,002
on their premises!
Remove her, too!
680
00:40:01,003 --> 00:40:03,682
They paid cash for Bluff Court
and nearly doubled their money
681
00:40:03,683 --> 00:40:05,002
when they sold it!
682
00:40:05,003 --> 00:40:07,002
Steady on, Edith.
Don't spill all my secrets -
683
00:40:07,003 --> 00:40:08,002
there's lawmen present.
684
00:40:08,003 --> 00:40:12,003
Ladies and gentlemen...
I could go on...
685
00:40:13,003 --> 00:40:16,003
..but I think we all know the truth
by now.
686
00:40:29,003 --> 00:40:31,683
I can't remember the last time
I couldn't speak.
687
00:40:33,003 --> 00:40:34,002
When you're asleep?
688
00:40:34,003 --> 00:40:37,002
Oh, no, that doesn't stop me.
689
00:40:37,003 --> 00:40:40,002
I once recited a recipe.
Pop's got used to it.
690
00:40:40,003 --> 00:40:42,683
It's been so maddening.
691
00:40:44,003 --> 00:40:47,002
Pop's done his best,
but he's no lawyer.
692
00:40:47,003 --> 00:40:48,002
In fact, he's the opposite
of a lawyer -
693
00:40:48,003 --> 00:40:50,002
he thinks honesty
speaks for itself.
694
00:40:50,003 --> 00:40:51,842
But I fear it doesn't.
695
00:40:51,843 --> 00:40:56,002
I wish I'd insisted on my Mariette
and Charley being told.
696
00:40:56,003 --> 00:41:00,002
This is when the family needs
to hold its head high, together.
697
00:41:00,003 --> 00:41:04,002
Sorry. You haven't got any family.
698
00:41:04,003 --> 00:41:07,003
Oh, don't worry. I'll borrow yours.
699
00:41:08,363 --> 00:41:10,003
SHE CHUCKLES
700
00:41:13,003 --> 00:41:15,002
The presence
of a new neighbour
701
00:41:15,003 --> 00:41:17,002
can often stir up jealousies
of this kind.
702
00:41:17,003 --> 00:41:19,842
And it is, to say the least,
highly questionable
703
00:41:19,843 --> 00:41:24,042
that Mr and Mrs Jerebohm, who are
patently decent members of society,
704
00:41:24,043 --> 00:41:27,002
would concoct an elaborate plan
of this nature
705
00:41:27,003 --> 00:41:30,002
to entrap the defendant.
And for those reasons,
706
00:41:30,003 --> 00:41:34,002
we magistrates are minded
to find Mr Sidney Larkin guilty
707
00:41:34,003 --> 00:41:35,002
of the offences described.
708
00:41:35,003 --> 00:41:36,002
No!
709
00:41:36,003 --> 00:41:41,002
As this is a first offence, we will
set the sentence at one year.
710
00:41:41,003 --> 00:41:42,843
Will you hell!
711
00:41:44,843 --> 00:41:47,002
Can I address the court?
No, that would be...
712
00:41:47,003 --> 00:41:52,002
I make it a rule to enjoy everything
I do, so I'm gonna enjoy this, too.
713
00:41:52,003 --> 00:41:54,522
In any case, it's a bit like
the war, innit, you know?
714
00:41:54,523 --> 00:41:56,002
Or the 1953 cup final,
715
00:41:56,003 --> 00:41:58,682
where one side
gets off to a good start
716
00:41:58,683 --> 00:42:01,523
before the plucky winners
have their day.
717
00:42:03,003 --> 00:42:04,002
I thank you for your time.
718
00:42:04,003 --> 00:42:07,002
Take him down!
HE CHUCKLES
719
00:42:07,003 --> 00:42:09,003
Someone's lost
their sense of humour.
720
00:42:14,003 --> 00:42:17,003
Chunky jewellery. My favourite.
721
00:42:24,843 --> 00:42:26,003
This is all wrong!
722
00:42:27,523 --> 00:42:32,003
Seeing as I'm innocent,
can I have a south-facing cell?
723
00:42:36,043 --> 00:42:38,002
Not bad, eh?
724
00:42:38,003 --> 00:42:41,002
Quick snifter at The Jolly
Solicitor, then back to yours?
725
00:42:41,003 --> 00:42:44,003
I think you misunderstand
the nature of our relationship.
726
00:42:47,003 --> 00:42:48,202
They'll come round to us.
727
00:42:48,203 --> 00:42:51,002
No, they won't, Alec,
728
00:42:51,003 --> 00:42:53,002
because they've used us
and discarded us,
729
00:42:53,003 --> 00:42:55,002
and had no intention
of being our friends.
730
00:42:55,003 --> 00:42:57,003
Shame on you!
731
00:43:02,003 --> 00:43:04,002
Well, of course,
the big magistrate in the sky
732
00:43:04,003 --> 00:43:08,002
will have His say in the end.
It's His verdict that matters.
733
00:43:08,003 --> 00:43:09,003
Oh, no.
734
00:43:11,003 --> 00:43:13,002
What do you think of your chances?
735
00:43:13,003 --> 00:43:17,003
Well, I'm a vicar, aren't I?
We're in the VIP section.
736
00:43:19,003 --> 00:43:22,002
We're taking contributions
to Pop's get-out-of-jail party.
737
00:43:22,003 --> 00:43:24,002
Bit early, isn't it,
if he's not out for a year? No.
738
00:43:24,003 --> 00:43:25,042
It's gonna be a big party.
739
00:43:25,043 --> 00:43:29,003
We need time to raise enough
to hire Elvis, as Pop's a fan.
740
00:43:32,003 --> 00:43:35,002
Word is, Elvis won't come cheap.
741
00:43:35,003 --> 00:43:37,003
COINS JINGLE
742
00:43:39,003 --> 00:43:40,043
BIKE BELL RINGS
743
00:43:55,363 --> 00:43:58,002
Have you, er, heard the verdict?
744
00:43:58,003 --> 00:43:59,002
Yeah.
745
00:43:59,003 --> 00:44:01,842
Sorry if I've been a bitch.
746
00:44:01,843 --> 00:44:05,002
You wouldn't know how to be.
You what?
747
00:44:05,003 --> 00:44:07,003
Yeah, that's not true.
748
00:44:12,683 --> 00:44:14,003
You wanna give it another go?
749
00:44:18,003 --> 00:44:20,003
Oh, that's not supposed to happen.
750
00:44:22,003 --> 00:44:24,522
We'd better ring
Mariette and Charley... in...
751
00:44:24,523 --> 00:44:26,002
Where are they?
752
00:44:26,003 --> 00:44:28,522
Hertogenbosch.
Mm. And tell her Pop's in prison.
753
00:44:28,523 --> 00:44:31,002
They'll be so angry
that we kept it from them.
754
00:44:31,003 --> 00:44:33,002
I couldn't let myself believe
it would happen.
755
00:44:33,003 --> 00:44:38,682
But now it has, we are gonna get Pop
out of jail pretty damn quick.
756
00:44:38,683 --> 00:44:40,002
Prison break?
Tunnel?
757
00:44:40,003 --> 00:44:46,003
Neither. We're gonna use the
judicial system. Starting tomorrow.
758
00:44:54,003 --> 00:44:55,842
MA GASPS
759
00:44:55,843 --> 00:44:58,002
What are you doing here?
760
00:44:58,003 --> 00:45:00,002
Victoria sent us a telegram
saying Pop's on trial.
761
00:45:00,003 --> 00:45:03,002
What were you thinking,
not telling us?! Is it over?
762
00:45:03,003 --> 00:45:05,002
What happened?
Guilty.
763
00:45:05,003 --> 00:45:07,002
Your Pop got a year.
764
00:45:07,003 --> 00:45:09,002
Oh, Ma! This is so awful.
765
00:45:09,003 --> 00:45:13,682
I know. Oh, sweet, gorgeous girl.
766
00:45:13,683 --> 00:45:16,362
We have to fight it.
Exactly, Charley.
767
00:45:16,363 --> 00:45:21,202
We're Larkins, and we're gonna do
what Pop would want us to do.
768
00:45:21,203 --> 00:45:23,002
We're gonna right this wrong.
769
00:45:23,003 --> 00:45:26,362
And in the meantime,
we're gonna eat, drink,
770
00:45:26,363 --> 00:45:28,003
be as merry as we can...
771
00:45:29,003 --> 00:45:31,002
..and swim in the new pool.
772
00:45:31,003 --> 00:45:32,523
A pool?
773
00:45:45,003 --> 00:45:47,003
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