Original subtitles

Fresh ink makes me sneeze.

This stuff is the kine, man.

You could pay off the FBI with this, and they'd never know.

We just sell it by weight. It takes too long to count it.

Who cares?

The plates are excellent, but the paper...

Unbelievable composition.

- Spectroscopy, my friend. - "Spec" what?

Molecular analysation of matter through laser light.

Read a book sometime.

I can't believe you're letting Darlene move in so fast.

I'm not letting Darlene do anything. Watch it here!

I'm not letting her do anything. I want her to.

Sure. Like the fish wants to be hooked by the fisherman?

You know, I was hoping in my heart that this wouldn't affect our friendship...

but I can see you're not big enough to get over the fact that she dumped you.

Dumped me? Is that what she told you?

There's the signal.

Hit them!

- You okay, old man? - Yeah! Let's go!

We got heat!

Miami Vice! The building is surrounded!

What's going on? You said this place was safe.

What the hell? Gasoline!

Artie!

Don't, man. Don't do it, man.

They're cops!

Carlos!

You got nothing on me, sucker! You got ashes!

Hold this, Stan.

Larry, you can't go in there!

Ashes, huh? Ashes!

Larry, are you all right?

- I just burned my fingertips. - Man!

- The money? - Leave it for somebody else. Come on!

- What do you got there? - A souvenir.

One of Artie's masterpieces. I'm going to frame it for a memento.

I wouldn't. Bogus bill's bad luck. Don't you know that?

Stan, I believe things are either in whack or out of whack.

Right now my life's in whack.

You moved in with Darlene. Your life's about to get out of whack.

- What's that? - It's a fire. Wow.

One of my neighbours, I guess.

- What's up, Chief? - Gas main exploded.

Do you know a Mr. Lawrence Zito?

My house!

Look, Mr. Zito, I'm sorry.

My house! My motorcycle.

Harry!

Gas fire, the worst.

I'm sorry, but this is all we were able to save.

What's this? Mailbox.

- What is it? - It's your gas bill.

Looks like Darlene can't find room for all her stuff.

This isn't Darlene's stuff. It's my stuff.

- Darlene! - In the bedroom!

He's going to love this!

- Stan, don't touch the hair. - Sorry.

Stan, honey bunch, I made a few minor decorating decisions.

I hope you don't mind.

And we're going to have to hang your clothes in the garage.

What garage?

- Larry. - Darlene.

I wasn't expecting guests for dinner.

Larry's house blew up. Gas-main leak.

- He lost everything, Darlene. - Harry, too.

That stupid fish?

I told Larry he could stay with us for a couple of days.

Larry, could you give us a couple of minutes?

- He can't stay. - Why? He's my friend!

I don't know why you brought him.

This is my first night, I'm not even unpacked!

What do you want me to do with him?

He's got nowhere else to go but here! He's my friend!

Don't you even care about me?

I guess I'll park myself on Mr. Sofa.

Don't you even love me?

- What about me? - And me?

Here. One of the meatheads left this in the men's room.

- You shouldn't have. - We didn't.

It's for Zito.

If it's a house, he's going to be a little cramped.

You can use some of my clothes.

I'll go to a thrift shop at lunch.

- Here. - What's this?

We chipped in 'cause we love you.

- What is it? - Open it.

Go. It's an inflatable house. Come on.

How was your warehouse sting?

Nada.

We've been hearing that John C. Costelada's back in town.

Everybody's afraid to bite the hook.

I vaguely remember. Fill me in.

Up until a couple of years ago, Costelada was the master fence...

of stolen goods in South Florida.

I'm talking by the shipload.

I heard he ran into some trouble in Mexico.

- He bought his way out. - He's as slick as they come.

He works strictly as a broker, so he doesn't get dirty.

We have to catch him literally taking possession of goods he knows are stolen.

It's not going to be an easy job.

The only way to do that is to flip one of his retailers.

Switek and I worked him a year ago and got zip.

- Why don't you get back on him? - Okay.

- That's really nice. - You like it?

- It's like a new start or something. - It's a girl.

Harriet.

After the job we did on that counterfeiting ring...

we had a couple of slack days coming.

That was until somebody opened his stupid mouth.

"Me and Switek, we got plenty on Costelada!"

What's the big deal?

Let me try to explain it in terms you might understand.

A new girlfriend is like a new goldfish.

You got to spend time with them so they get accustomed to the bowl.

- You know? - I know fish move around in the dark.

You see? That's what I don't understand. These constant attacks.

Why don't you just face it? She wasn't into you.

That stings, Stan.

Miss Hair Spray 1985 was the one that got away.

I think Darlene's hair looks great!

It ought to. People spend less time raising their children.

For one week, and one week only, at all Bonzo Barry stores...

Right here, right now, the right equipment at the right price...

because Bonzo Barry has harpooned the high cost of quality stereo.

Sorry.

I've scoured the audio and video arctic and brought these bargains...

at prices frozen so low you'll have to buy them, because Bonzo Barry always...

Seals the deal!

Why should he be clapping? Because I'll beat any deal in the Miami area.

So come to any one of our five, that's right, count them...

five Bonzo Barry high-tech stores.

For your stereo needs, for your video needs, for your stereo-video needs, come on down.

Didn't we bust her for soliciting a year ago? Don't look.

- I don't know. No. - That's her, isn't it?

- No. - You sure?

Right here, right now, the right equipment.

Definitely no.

You're positive?

I'd stake my life on it.

Remember, all Bonzo Barry components and equipment...

are fully backed by our very own seal of approval!

Okay. That's enough. We'll splice it together. Whatever.

Excuse me. We talked on the phone.

- We're the... - Discount suppliers.

Yeah, like I told you, I got my own discount suppliers.

Yeah, but not like us.

We can really pull our weight. Top of the line.

Sony, Nakamichi, Luxman, Macintosh.

State of the art, all factory sealed. Eighty percent discount.

All right, let's go back to my office, and you can convince me.

Barry?

- Not now, honey. I'm talking some business. - Police business?

What do you mean, police business?

Well, when you're talking with two cops...

you're usually talking police business.

I took a bust from these two guys!

Get out of here.

It was her.

Damn! It would have worked out perfectly if she wasn't there. It's just...

Your bad luck? Which is beginning to get contagious.

Our best lead on Costelada blown in 15 seconds!

What do I tell Castillo?

"We blew it, Lieutenant, because I'm teamed up with an albatross."

There's got to be a better way.

Anybody that's into hot properties is going to know about Costelada.

And who do we know who's into hot property?

Come on, baby! Crash and burn for the Noogman!

Come on, baby!

Damn! Five-O!

The Noogman, fearless, faster, flying fool! Bailing out, Jack.

Welcome to the Noogman's last night of single-tude, Jack!

What'd he say?

The Noogman is getting married on the morrow, Jack!

Flying the friendly skies! Flying united.

- Who's the unlucky lady? - Ample Annie, the mean machine.

What's up, Mama?

Hardworking gal. I like that.

No wonder I'm not married. All the good women are spoken for.

So, Noog, how's the fencing business?

You got the wrong brother, Jackson.

The Noogman is one rehabilitated dude, you understand?

Strictly legit. R-E-S-P-C-P.

If and ever you spell it, that's what I want.

Good. Then you won't mind us taking a trip back to your place...

and check out the serial numbers on your shower gifts.

Yeah, I've heard this rap before, fellas.

Just run it down and let the Noogie boogie, please?

A mover named Costelada.

John Costelada? Man, that's one heavy dude!

- Find him. - How will I find him?

That's impossible. What is you, drunk?

Find him.

- Hello! - Shut up!

- Who's there? - Shut up!

Hi, 1z.

Switek. Zito. ;Qué pasa?

Typical establishment neglect.

I offered to help these winged refugees with their foreign-language requirements.

You know, so they can get their migration card.

And management...

blind to the needs of the working bird educator...

forget to leave me a key.

We already gave him his English lesson, Iz, in legalese.

You have the right to remain silent!

You belong in a cage. Not me, man. I'm no criminal.

I mean, I never been convicted. I have a few indictments, man, but...

I'm a man of no convictions.

So what do you want me to do?

We want you to set up Costelada.

I got 4,000 Pirelli P225s coming out of Canada tomorrow.

I can have them to you by Friday. Fifty, 45, and 40.

Get back to me.

Benny, what's happening with those power tools?

Johnny, you'll laugh when you hear where I got them.

I don't want to hear where you got them, or see them, or touch them.

All I want to do is move them.

A guy in Pittsburgh's calling me about them.

- Zoom. - I'll get back to you.

- What? - I have Mr. Rudman on line two.

Here's his file.

Jesus.

Rudman, this is Costelada.

Mr. C., I couldn't accept the merchandise.

They cancelled the convention at the last minute.

I hope you understand it wasn't my fault.

What I understand is, you made a deal for 150 compact disc players...

that haven't been paid for yet.

I know. But I can't pay you unless my customers pay me.

What I was thinking, when they reschedule the convention...

Let me tell you what I'm thinking.

You got a house on 19 Parkwood Lane with a standard alarm system.

I think your wife drives a black touring Eldorado, licence DJC 521.

Your son's in the third grade at Houston Central Elementary School.

Now, I want my money! You got 48 hours!

Now you know what I'm thinking, think about it.

I think I'm going to sit in the sun for a while.

I cannot relax with him coming in and out of here.

He's going to sleep now. Trust me.

- Remember, don't touch the hair. - Right.

Listen to me, Stanley.

You have a great future ahead of you.

Immediate future, I hope.

No, I'm dead serious. Zito's holding you back.

He's holding you back from more important things.

I mean, there's no reason you couldn't be Lieutenant Switek...

or Captain Switek...

or Chief of Police Switek.

- You really think so? - Absolutely.

I saw it the first moment I laid eyes on you.

You mean, when you were at the car wash with Larry?

And you know what happens to police chiefs, don't you?

Don't you, Mayor Switek?

Larry, what are you doing?

TV.

The King.

Turn this up.

Come on, baby. Turn it up.

Mama.

How do you do that?

Mr. Mayor!

My voters call.

Good night, Larry! Good night, King.

This session of the city council will now come to order.

Little bitty, tiny fingers!

I'm just going to be a second!

Honey? Please?

All right. As mayor, I order you.

You ain't the mayor yet.

Almost ready, pumpkin.

Here you go.

Soft, just the way you like them.

I just lost my appetite.

Stan, you got any café cubano?

- Don't tell me you're fine! - What the hell are you guys doing here?

This morning I am doing my official duty as a lawman.

I get to this loco harebrain, and he tells me he's in charge of my case.

Your case? The Noogman does not work in the shadow.

Who's the Captain Kirk of this Enterprise? The Noogman flies alone, you dig?

Especially not with this no-good jive Cubano echo brain!

I got a rep. You dissing me, man!

Am I working for him or is he working for me?

You got to have organisation in a business this big.

You got your Ronald Reagan, you got your Lee lacocca...

you got your Geraldo Rivera, that's how you stay on top.

That's how you get the job done, organisation.

Is your hair always this pretty early in the morning?

- Don't you sleep on it at night, baby... - Don't touch my hair!

- Excuse me, baby. I was only... - Thanks a lot, Stanley!

It's time for the Beaver, man.

Do you watch this? This Eddie Haskell is really...

Turn it down!

No! Wait. I seen this one before.

This is where Ward comes down hard on the Beaver.

We have a sizable amount of loot.

- What's up on Costelada? - I had to get on the Noog-line...

I almost got killed. You know?

In other words, you guys got squat!

Costelada's main man is this funny little dude named Bonzo Barry...

he's got this very short show on TV.

- But everybody know about that, home! - Well, we tried him.

He didn't like our approach.

Maybe you come on too strong. What you need is a new concept.

Yes. A solid marketing approach.

Comfort, style, luxury...

and at prices you can afford.

No CODs.

Wally, we can keep it in the bathtub.

Let's send for it. But an eight-foot alligator...

You guys think this is enough stuff to trade up to Costelada?

Frankly, no, but we can lie a lot.

Every one of these babies represents 2,000 back at the old warehouse, right?

I used to work these location operations. You guys need backup?

No!

- I sure hope this works. - Think positive!

Yo, man, this is supposed to be a police operation not a sequel to Roots.

I feel like we're doing a remake of The Defiant Ones.

Sorry about this, but it's a real pain...

nailing all that surveillance equipment to the floor.

All right. Now, we'll follow you.

Yo, how many VCRs we got in there, Jackson?

Don't worry about that. Just stick to the plan.

Try not to sweat too much. We put $100 deposit on those clothes.

How am I supposed to come off as a businessman...

when you're cramping my style with this low racket bracket jacket, Jackson?

Don't you ever watch the Wall Street Weekly?

I feel totally confident.

An order like this, 30 pieces, is a waste of time for me.

Since you brought it, I'm going to do you a favour.

Who you think you talking to, Jack?

With the numbers I'm getting, this is just a door prize!

You tell him, Noogman. Listen, we're very upwardly nubile.

We was going to turn you on to a deal for 2,000 proton monitors.

Right, but now I think we'll just leave this here with you...

as a reminder of what you might have had.

Let's book. We don't have to deal with this.

Hold it.

Let's talk.

Two thousand monitors?

Infinity proton monitors.

Comfort, style, luxury, and at prices you can afford.

All right, for that kind of weight, I'll have to go to my distributor...

- and I can't do that without references. - References.

I got to know that you can deliver and your stuff's not defective.

We're no defectives. We get none of our stuff from Communists.

I'll tell you what, our warehouse is on southeast 35th.

We got half of Tokyo in there.

All you got to do is come over and check it out. Ain't no problem.

- I'll do that. - All right.

You gentlemen check back with me tomorrow.

I think Mr. Costelada's going to like you two.

All right. Take care, man.

Larry, do you think you could sleep somewhere else tonight?

I want to mellow out the little woman.

No problem.

- Do you ever think about the future, Lar? - No.

- Career advancement, that sort of thing. - No.

I've been thinking about it a lot lately...

You mean Darlene's been thinking a lot about it lately?

"Get another partner. He's holding you back. You could be governor."

She told you you could be governor?

She only told me I could be mayor.

They're really freaky-looking guys...

but I figured, somebody wants to move 2,000 pieces you ought to hear about it.

- Can they deliver? - I don't know.

I mean, they talk like big business. Big. I mean big business.

They even gave me the address of their warehouse.

Plus, they left me 30 VCRs as a gift.

Which, of course, I'll return if you want.

Make that deal for those monitors. What about the warehouse?

- I already checked it out. It's floor-to-ceiling. - Okay.

I guess your life gets out of whack sometimes.

Crazy things do happen.

Like my house blowing up.

I'm glad I got you.

Pepe, you hitting my bourbon bottle again?

Am I interrupting something?

Harriet and I are just having something to eat.

We're going to let Stan and Darlene have some time alone tonight.

How is Stan and Darlene getting along, anyway?

Okay, I guess.

The guy's too good. That's his problem.

I mean, here's someone who can crush your head in his bare hands...

and he cares that your eggs are done just right.

- You know what I mean? - Yeah.

I'm just worried about him.

He's such a soft touch.

I just don't want him to get shafted.

I don't know. I'm not a soft touch, and I get shafted all the time.

Why don't you hang out with me tonight?

You can stay at my place, pal.

We could introduce Harriet to Elvis.

- Or maybe not. - Yeah, maybe not.

No, that's okay, Sonny. No, go ahead.

- You sure? - Yeah.

All right, pal. If you change your mind, you know my number.

Yeah. Thank you.

Well, good-looking...

tonight, it's just you and me.

Oh, Stanley.

Oh, Stanley.

- What's wrong, Stanley? - Too much beer.

You didn't drink any beer.

I feel guilty about Larry, out there all alone in the cold.

Larry? Always Larry!

It was a 1,000-to-1 shot, so we took a chance...

after our cover was blown with Bonzo Barry...

we figured our only option was either those guys or we fold.

That's basically it, Lieutenant.

At least Izzy and Noogie did get us enough on Gold...

to roll him over and force an introduction to Costelada.

We use informants for their knowledge of the street...

not as reinforcements.

You should have asked me first.

Get them off the case.

Keep on Costelada.

Agent said we can get the full Disney World package for under $200.

We're talking about our honeymoon not Space Mountain, come on.

God!

The One-Stop Motel at Opa-Locka ain't my idea of a honeymoon.

Baby, didn't you read in the brochure? They got mirrors, cable television.

They got water beds and Magic Fingers. They got free soap and towels.

I want to see Mickey!

She wants to see Mickey Mouse. You want to be Deputy Dawg.

Where am I, third grade?

The lieutenant's right.

Maybe something was going to get out of whack, anyway.

I just don't like firing guys.

Excuse me, |z.

The principals.

Bad news, guys. You're off the case.

Come on, man! We got to continue to battle against the forces of evil.

We can't go outside the department anymore for help on this one.

Besides, it's too dangerous for you guys.

Damn right. We out there Lone Rangering amongst the bad guys.

What do we get for laying our lives on the line for the Uncle-Sam man?

We Hispanics don't know the meaning of danger...

but we're very familiar with the word "compensation.”

Maybe next time, guys.

$50. At least you can buy me a wedding present.

And that's just the tip of the ice cube.

Remember, we got a very important meeting with Bonzo Barry.

But the supplier just left with the supplies.

- What are we gonna sell him? - I got a very big score, man.

Something I been looking to take down for a long time.

All right! Get down.

You know it. Let's discuss it, Jack.

Tell you, Noogman...

this is the biggest takedown in the annals of crime.

Word.

Mr. Costelada's very interested in the monitors...

but he'd like to know a few particulars.

The most particular thing is, we sold them.

Yeah, like they say, man, "He who hesitates...

- "don't get any monitors." - All right. Whoa.

Now, maybe you're not familiar with Mr. Costelada's style.

"Whoa" yourself, Jack!

Maybe you're not familiar with Mr. Noogman's style.

You understand?

We got something bigger.

- Something bigger? - Yep.

Brand-new, 18-foot, Mark 3, air-cooled cement truck...

with 3-ton capacity.

- It's all yellow. - And a half a tank of gas.

All right, look, I'm going to have to get back to you on this.

Do that, we've got a lot of interested buyers.

Hurry up, Jack, or else it end up the same way as the monitors and us...

disappearing off into the Noogasphere.

- Yeah? - Mr. Costelada.

I met with those guys about the monitors. I think they're full of it.

What makes you say that?

Told me they moved the monitors, now they're trying to sell me...

something about a cement truck.

Who the hell would steal or fence a cement truck?

Trucks? A cement truck?

Maybe they can get me one of those 75-foot French fire engines.

They can name their price.

You know how bad I always wanted one of those fire engines?

No. I guess... No.

Ever since I was a little boy...

all the other little kids used to play with those beautiful Corgi trucks.

My parents could only afford those wooden trucks.

I hate those stupid wooden trucks. Man, I spit on those wooden trucks.

Now, I want to see that cement truck, and I want to see those two guys today.

I'll arrange it.

Damn! A cement truck.

You better hurry up. Coffee break's almost over. Let's get out of here!

Man, this isn't exactly made by Mattel, huh?

You can't just drop in a couple of batteries and push the button.

Come on, man! Let's go.

One small step for man, one giant cement truck for mankind.

Man, you're going backwards! Hit the brake!

- Put it in first! Do something! - All right!

- Come on, man! - All right. Here we go.

Yo, man, you're dumping the cement!

My car!

Come on. Let's get out of here.

No, man.

- You said you knew how to drive! - I said I ain't got no parking tickets.

Come on, man. Let's get out of here. I'm scared! Come on. Let's go!

- Man, this is like an abolition derby here. - I'm scared! Come on. Let's go!

I'm trying to, man. All these things keep getting in my way!

You did it!

It's just like the Industrial Revolution. Man is destined to conquer machine.

And sell it as soon as possible!

The Noogman is the man!

Mr. Gold, can we have a word with you, please?

One second.

I don't know. We got to...

That's a custom lacquer finish.

It'll need a new coat by the time you see daylight again.

- What are you talking about? - Buying and selling stolen goods!

You know those guys that dropped off the VCRs to you yesterday?

Those guys are cops?

Now, the way I see it, Barry, you got two choices.

Column A: You set up Costelada to make a buy from us.

Or Column B: Three to five for receiving stolen property.

Listen, fellas. I'm basically a good guy. I got a wife. I got a house.

You got five seconds.

One. Two. Three.

- I'm just trying to run a business. - Four.

All right!

He's calling me tomorrow. I'll set up the meet.

All right, bubeleh.

You got your forwards. You got your backwards.

You got your turn signals. You got everything.

And it's sturdy, too.

Eduardo, pay them.

Where the hell's Billy boy? I want to take a picture.

Don't you worry, Mr. Costelada.

We'll get back to you real soon about that fire truck.

Disney World, here I come.

M-O-N, and you know that. N-E-Y.

Listen, also I heard about this DC-9 that's just there for the taking.

Mr. Costelada, it's Barry Gold.

These two are cops.

Of course I miss you. Of course I'd like to see you.

Stanley and I? We're just friends.

Stanley, what are you doing home so early?

Stanley! You're messing my hair! What are you doing?

Stanley, this is so tawdry! I'll do it for you, but I won't enjoy it.

Fine. I'll make it quick.

- Is the front door locked? - Bolted.

Where's Larry?

He's dead. Now, look, Darlene. Not another peep.

Yes, Stanley.

Stan, Barry Gold called. We got to go.

Izzy and Noogie are in trouble, Costelada's got them.

- Where? - South Beach Marina.

- All right. Let's go. - But, Stanley!

This is my job.

There are other jobs.

If you leave here now with him, I won't be here when you get back!

I give you only name, rank, and naturalisation number.

Nugart Neville Lamont, alias the Noogman, alias the Cone of Silence.

That's right! We're mens of a thousand faces, but we tell you zero.

We're very professional, homeboy.

You're talking to a man who has withstood the finest interrogation techniques:

electrical, mechanical, psychological...

philosophical, European, domestic, commercial.

Which is why there's no need for us to prove our valour...

by refusing to talk to you now.

I'm hip. You want me to talk, I'll talk!

I'll talk about anything!

The Noogman is known for talking about anything or nothing at all.

You guys got nothing to say that I want to hear. You're history.

Ray, cast off.

Mr. Costelada, you can't do this. They're cops.

That's right. You're under arrest.

You, too, Barry. On the floor.

- What did I do? - You introduced me to these two guys.

Now I got some serious-type questions about you!

- We got to call backup. - No time. We'll have to jump.

- Come on, man! - Your life isn't out of whack anymore.

Come on. Let's do it, buddy.

Because when you mess with the dudes that got organisation...

you got no window of venerability to attack.

Like I always said, you got Ronald Reagan, you got your Lee lacocca...

you got your Geraldo Rivera, and that's all you need.

CQué pasa, eh?

Where is Izzy? What time you got, man?

He told me he'd show. I know. I got faith in him.

That's my man. He's got to show.

Come on, Izzy! Come on! Where is he?

You got it?

Man, you didn't tell me that pawnshop had an alarm system.

I almost got busted.

All right! Izzy came through, and you know that...

'cause my main man always comes through.

It's got about 14 carats, at least.

If we're lucky, maybe one of us will catch the bouquet.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...

to witness the joining together...

Boy, am I lucky. That could've been me.

Thanks, buddy.