Original subtitles

[static whirring]

[upbeat music]

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up

♪ Bottoms up, Bavarian style

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up

♪ Bottoms up, Bavarian style

♪ I propose a toast to our fellow men

♪ Faithful and true except now and then

♪ I propose a toast to our fellow men

♪ Faithful and true except now and then

♪ When he sees a pretty lass

♪ He's sure to pinch her ass

♪ While he's guzzling beer

♪ He's watching legs and tits and rears

♪ He likes to hear the girlies squeal

♪ Every time he cops a feel

♪ But of course he'll never cheat

♪ Unless the frauline's in heat

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up

♪ Bottoms up, Bavarian style

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up

♪ Bottoms up, Bavarian style

♪ I propose a toast to our fellow men

♪ Faithful and true except now and then

♪ I propose a toast to our fellow men

♪ Faithful and true except now and then

♪ When in flirting he indulges

♪ His leather shorts start showing bulges

♪ And he'll try for some caresses

♪ Underneath the Frauline's dresses

♪ But that's as far as he'll explore

♪ Unless the maiden asks for more

♪ Then how can he defy her

♪ He's honor bound to satisfy her

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up

♪ Bottoms up, Bavarian style.

- [Narrator] When the story starts like this,

you know you're in trouble.

♪ Bottoms up, bottoms up

♪ Bottoms up, Bavarian style

[man shouting]

- Holy shit, you stupid bastard you.

You fucking dumbkopf.

- Pardon.

- What?

- Please forgive me.

I'm sorry, fill it up with the cheap stuff please.

[tires screeching]

- Do something, make them move.

- Ha, you think I can speak cow?

- Hurry up or we'll miss the Professor.

Damn it, drive around them.

- Going far?

- Never mind, just please fill it.

- [Sally] I said pull around the cows,

not around the mountain.

You're absolutely useless, the Professor's gone by now.

- [Heiner] Shucks, this never happens to James Bond.

- [Sally] Quick Heiner, there he is.

Bring the rifle hurry up.

[suspenseful music]

- [Heiner] Don't worry I'll get him this time.

- While you're watching,

think you could pull that car back on the road?

Well don't just stand there, can you do it?

- You're not supposed to shoot at animals.

- He's not shooting at animals.

- At what then?

- At a man.

- Oh, all right then, but no animals.

Come on Hilda, back to work.

[suspenseful music]

Come on hurry Hilda, I wanna see him shoot a man.

Hey, come on, come on.

That's it, that's it.

[gun firing]

- Darn you, I missed.

- Oh, sorry.

Why don't you try again.

- [Heiner] I will.

- [Sally] Thank you my good man.

- You're welcome.

[engine revving]

- [Professor] Please hurry.

- Ah, shut up asshole.

- Huh, what did you say?

- I said I'm almost finished.

[suspenseful music]

[gun firing]

[Professor screaming]

- Hey, what's a matter, have you got hemorrhoids?

- No, I'm shot.

Please, here, here, take this.

Microfilm, a new discovery.

Gasoline, made from cow manure.

- Oh, oh, hey don't die, no, no, no.

Oy, shot in the hemorrhoids, killed like a dog.

The microfilm, no, ah, there it is.

Microfilm.

[upbeat music]

[suspenseful music]

You've got to help me, he's been shot, murdered, murdered!

Just come, come and see for yourself please.

Of course he's dead.

No mistake I'm sure.

The corpse is driving away.

Stop, stop, come back here you corpse!

Will you listen, see he's driving off.

You're full of shit, I'm not crazy.

Damn microfilm, now he's gonna jerk my hose off.

He, god, the pump, stop fooling with me Xaver.

He's pulling my hose down the road.

It's your job Xaver, get down here.

What?

For Christ sake, he hung up.

Ah, shit.

[upbeat music]

- [Narrator] I knew this could only mean trouble.

- Come in.

- Do you mean come in or push in?

- It makes no difference to me.

[speaking in foreign language]

- What a beautiful bottom I've found.

- But not now, I must milk the cows.

- Oh, that's marvelous,

and after them you can milk me.

[upbeat music]

- You see how easily we could have killed you Professor?

You're lucky it was a knock out dart.

I hope we've taught you a lesson.

Give us the formula now, okay?

- I don't have the formula.

- Well, in that case dear Professor,

you leave us no choice, we'll have to kill you.

- Well, then you have a real problem, you see,

for if I am dead, then the formula is also dead.

- You're getting me mad Professor.

[clicking tongue]

Now look, tell me where the formula is.

Where's the formula?

I'll break your head.

Where is it?

- Oh is she cute.

- Huh, concentrate man, the formula, the formula.

- How can I think of formulas

with a naked woman prancing about?

- Knock it off Professor, you're too old for that.

I want that formula.

- I haven't got it.

- Where did you hide it?

- Take care of the car, I'll handle it.

- Okay.

- [Sally] Dear Professor.

- [Professor] Yes, luscious bite.

- Herr Professor, darling.

Professor you're my type.

Intellectual men arouse me.

Would you like me to stroke your sliderule.

- Yes, go ahead.

- I will if you'll.

- Oh, for you anything.

- Uh huh, and the formula, you'll tell me where it is.

- Positively not.

- But Professor.

- No, no.

- It's just a little formula.

For me?

- But it's just not with me.

- Where is it?

- I don't have it with me now, really.

But let's not worry about a silly little formula.

- What did you do hide it at the station?

- Hide it, with that mad fool?

[chuckles]

I wouldn't do that.

I am not that silly.

The formula is hidden where you'd never, ever look for it

and I'll never tell you where.

- We'll see about that.

Lock him in the trunk.

- Right.

[Professor shouting]

- God damn it, where did he throw it?

It could be valuable.

Here microfilm, here microfilm.

Come to Sandy.

Ah, it makes synthetic petrol.

If I find it, maybe it's worth a million.

All right Sandy you must think a little.

Where in this place would you hide?

You just wait, I'll find you.

The murderers, the formula, they want the formula.

[man shouting]

They'll kill me, unless, unless,

unless I get 'em first.

My god.

- Stupid bloody ladder, shoot.

[grunting] [clanging]

- Mein Fuhrer.

- Mein who?

- You want me to wash your socks?

- I've done harm.

Xaver!

Xaver, I didn't mean it wake up.

It was a mistake, wake up.

[panicked grunting]

Here Xaver.

- I'm washing them, I'm washing them.

That's enough water. - Are you all right?

- Stop, stop it, stop it.

- I'm sorry, I thought you were the murdering spies.

- That water went past my mouth,

up my nose and everywhere.

What do you think you are doing?

- You want some whiskey for a little chaser?

- Oh I might, a little tiny taste,

but just for medicinal purposes, that's all.

- Here, here, drink this.

- Thank you.

- Huh, it's nice.

[Xaver mumbling]

- Hey give me that bottle back.

- Now come on, please don't drink the whole freaking bottle.

A man's been murdered and you finished my favorite schnapps.

- Ah yes, because I just need this bottle for my evidence.

- For Christ's sake.

- You don't suppose I drink this

just because I wanted a drink of whiskey do you?

Here, hold this while I find my pencil.

Hmm, let's see, murdered you just said.

- Okay. - Just a minute.

- But that's awful it - Wait, just

- happened over there. - a second I've just

dropped my pencil.

- Where?

- On the ground you fool. - I can't believe this,

you lose your pencil when you're supposed

to be finding clues.

Oh there's still some left.

[exclaiming]

- [Xaver] Ah, here it is, I found it.

- So did I.

- What did you find, tell me.

- The formula.

- What's with this formula?

- It's for, for, say for Pete's sake, that automatic.

Stick that heater in there before you shoot us.

- It's not loaded, I'll show you it's not loaded.

See there.

[gun firing]

[frightened gulping]

- Ah, it feel so good to be milking both of you this way.

[both groaning]

- [Kuhhirtin] Doctor, doctor.

- Oh, what's this, I think there's something

strange going on here.

I think I'll go and look.

It might be those crooks of Sandlers

and what is this?

- [Tino] I'm coming, I'm coming.

- Halt!

[speaking in foreign language]

What's this all about?

- It's a menage a trois idiot.

- Don't swear at me you foreigner.

I saw you both screwing that cow.

- So, it's a bi-sex with a bison.

We're all consenting adults.

- How about doing it inside, at home,

behind closed doors.

- We've tried, but the cow, she's too big for the door.

- Ah ha, now you admit that you're a pervert, huh?

[Tino speaking in foreign language]

We know how to deal with people like you around here.

Yeah, give me your passport.

- My passport?

It's missing.

- Ah ha, you're probably a spy.

Now who are you spying for?

- A spy, me?

I'm an American Italian.

- Yeah, yeah, that's right Mafioso.

It makes no damn difference to me you hear.

- Ah, but my friend has passport, I'll call him.

Emil, come on out.

- What's up Tino?

- Don't ask questions.

- Come here. - Come right here.

I hope he's got it, - Yeah, sure

- otherwise the prison. - I'm coming now.

[grunting]

- And what seems to be the big problem?

- I'll tell...

[dramatic music]

Nothing, nothing.

I'll, I'll, I'll see you later.

[both chuckling]

- How was the milking girl?

- Oh, I never found out.

I was interrupted as I was about to come.

I'll have to try again tomorrow.

- When's my turn Tino?

- Take it easy I'll find you one.

Leave it to me to find the one big enough for you huh?

I'll let you know when I do.

[upbeat music]

- Here's your beer Franz.

- Thanks Zenzi dear, how about a little action now.

- Will you quit that Franz, I'm working, please.

- Can't you get off work for a little fun?

Or let's see if we can do it here this way huh?

- Yeah, but you need a Zenzi special.

[gasping]

[chuckling]

[upbeat music]

- [Narrator] Sherlock Holmes said

always look through the local paper for suspects

and there's one now.

- Zenzi, hold on, wait a minute.

I want something to eat.

A blue plate and a beer.

- Okay Sandy.

- The boss, where is he?

- He's over there.

- Oh yeah, thank you.

Huber!

- Who did that?

Sandler, what are you doing?

- Shh, I'll tell you, but you must keep it a secret.

You must keep it a secret.

- Uh huh, a woman.

- Huber, we could become rich.

- Rich!

- Not so loud, someone could be listening.

Spies are everywhere around here.

You, you must promise me not to tell anyone.

- Don't I always keep our secrets?

[humming]

- Now for instance, I didn't tell

your wife about your mistress.

- Shut your mouth.

- [Customer] Frauline, another beer please.

- Okay.

[gasping]

You're so anxious, you can get your spaghetti yourself.

This is somebody's order.

There you are, now you can place your order mister.

- I would expand this hotel,

I could get some happy hookers too.

- Now, just a second, we'd better check out some things,

but I haven't got the right equipment.

So perhaps your projector would work.

- You want my still projector?

- I'm talking about a tiny little piece of microfilm.

- Fooey.

- Why do you say that?

- [Huber] I'm not getting mixed up

with any of your dirty films.

- [Sandler] I'm talking about microfilms, not beaver films.

- I know how you make your money.

- Now please, give me that soup plate.

I'm saying it's a little microfilm

containing a formula worth millions.

It'll make gas from crap.

- It what?

- I'm telling you from bullshit, it makes gasoline.

- How so?

- Huber, this product will be revolutionary.

Think of that.

- Sounds good let me see it.

- You don't expect me to show it to you here.

- Here's your dinner Sandler.

- Thank you.

- Wait a minute, that's not yours.

- Just put it down thanks.

Listen, I'm going to make you a proposal okay.

- Oh so.

- You're kid has a projector for enlargements right?

You make it available and we're in business.

- Sure, okay we can do that.

- Good, where is this formula?

- [Sandler] Leather shorts.

- Leather shorts?

- Keep it quiet, I've told you spies.

I pinned it inside.

Shh, if they try to find it, they'll have bad luck.

Wait, that's my food.

[bell dinging]

- Why are we stopping here?

- This is as nice a place as any.

Maybe we can find some women and have some fun.

- We haven't got much money left you know.

- Emil, have I ever let you down?

The girls will treat us.

There must be a piece for you and a piece for me.

- Oh, I don't believe it.

- Don't worry about it.

First, I know I can find a way

into those Bavarian bushes.

- You think you can.

- What do you think?

[grunting]

- Oh?

- Just my bag, come on, give me a coin.

- Our very last mark.

Now we got nothing left.

- Don't worry, isn't it beautiful, this lovely landscape?

- [Emil] Sure, great, but what are we

gonna do, eat the land?

- [Tino] Don't worry, if things go as I planned,

we will soon be frolicking in that bush garden

and just look at all those Bavarian bushes.

- Yeah, nice, but we can't eat those bushes.

- You'd be surprised.

Look at that, a man could find all he wants

in this wonderful country.

Hey, look what we found.

- Empty, nothing, now what do you suggest?

- Hey look, some Bavarian bush right there.

Hey, need a good bush whacker?

Uh huh, watch this.

Hey, hey, hey!

[upbeat music]

Senorina, I'd like to give your lovely

Bavarian bush a feel okay?

- Get stuffed runt.

- Oh please, I'm enthralled by your Bavarian bush.

I must have it!

[shouting]

- Sorry you flipped over me kid, but no thanks.

- Have anymore ideas Tino?

- Of course, let me think.

- Oh, now I'll show you

what's gonna make us rich.

- [Huber] Oh, in there?

[chuckling]

- Laugh go ahead, I'll bet I could show

those spies a few things.

- Is that it?

- Put it in.

[both exclaiming]

- It seems a bit complicated, do you understand it?

Do you Sandy?

- Hmm, might be chemicals.

- Could the pharmacist read it, or the doctor?

- Hmm, and our millions they will shrink

if we cut in the doctor and the pharmacist.

- Hid it in a pair of leather shorts.

- But which pair of leather shorts.

- I've been thinking you know.

- Ah, don't think too hard,

you may strain your scrotum.

- Okay baby, what's your plan.

- I think best in bed you know that.

Especially while I'm screwing.

Are you up to it super agent?

- Well, I don't mind balling,

when it's for a good purpose Sally.

[groaning]

♪ It's in the air everyone's having an affair

♪ They all lose control in Tyrol

♪ The wenches are doing some fabulous screwing

♪ In the horny old town of Tyrol

[yodeling]

♪ Yes love is so great in Tyrol

♪ It must be the town, each boy and girl go down

♪ They all lose control in Tyrol

- I'm thinking, I'm thinking, oh, I'm thinking.

♪ Everyone's giving head

♪ In the horny old town

- Hey Zenzi, what are you doing?

- Shh, they're screwing.

- Oh yeah?

- It's coming, it's coming.

- [Franz] So am I.

- Get away you pervert, stand back.

♪ Love's so great in Tyrol.

[upbeat music]

[yodeling]

- Hey, Lois!

- Oh hi Claudia.

♪ Yes, love's the game in Tyrol

- What's wrong Lois, what happened?

- Oh Claudia, your uncle said we shouldn't meet anymore.

- [Claudia] The old fart.

- You shouldn't make fun of him.

- But he is an old fart

and he has no right to keep us apart.

After all, we're practically engaged.

- I know how you feel.

There's no place for us to meet.

- Poor boy, just get the ladder

and come up to my room tonight, okay.

- And what about your uncle huh?

- We don't have to worry about him,

because his friends are taking him out tonight.

- All right, but if I'm ever found inside your bedroom,

then we're both in big trouble.

- Oh don't worry hun, I'll be waiting up for you.

[chuckling]

[whistling]

- Well, did you get any ideas?

- Uh huh.

- What for instance?

- You'll see soon enough.

- [Sandler] Claudia, hey Claudia.

- [Claudia] Yes uncle?

- [Sandler] Get my pipe tobacco.

- [Claudia] Okay.

- [Sandler] I'll be in the hotel in the bar.

- [Claudia] I'll bring it right down.

- Uh huh, just fits my plan.

Hurry up, it's time to go to work again.

- You're thinking wore me out, I think I'll take a nap.

[dog barking]

- It's miserable, not one decent shot of a nude woman.

It looks like the hairs on Huber's ass

and it means as much to me.

- What?

But Sandler is right, it really makes

about as much sense as my bottom, it's all Greek.

Would one of you men like to take a better look?

- Not at your bottom.

I think I know.

Uh huh, you were pretty close about Huber's ass.

Yeah, except it's cow shit.

- Huber?

- Yeah?

- Bring a beer.

[upbeat music]

[wood cracking]

[dog barking]

[upbeat music]

- [Claudia] Oh finally, I thought you'd never get here.

[humming]

- Look out sweetheart, here comes a man.

- [Claudia] And what a man, what a man.

- [Sally] Get ready, he's coming, now, now.

- [Claudia] I am ready come, come.

- Is this what you planned, a threesome?

- Oh my god Lois, I thought he was you.

He climbed into my bed.

- You expect me to believe that nonsense,

that you couldn't tell the difference

between this little piece of stinkin' garbage and me?

[punches landing] [grunting]

[grunting] [punches landing]

[punches landing] [grunting]

♪ Oh my darlin'

♪ Oh my darlin'

- [Man] We're trying to sleep, shut up you bastards.

♪ Oh my darlin' Clementine.

- I'll get you!

[grunting]

- So long baby, don't forget where we left off.

♪ Oh my darlin'

♪ Oh my darlin' Clementine

[shouting]

[thumping]

- Bravo, bravo! - Are you a pole vaulter?

- That's the way I used to visit Anna when I was young.

[all chuckling]

- That's an exit to be proud of.

- Bravo.

- Maybe she has time for me.

If she does, I'll show her a real man.

[shouting]

Still another one, she's got 'em all jumpin'.

- You're her uncle.

- Right.

- And as a guardian you're not worth a shit.

- I'm pleased to meet ya.

- You didn't even know they came from your niece's room.

[all chuckling]

- Down in her roomey, room, room

she goes bang, bang, bang, boomey, boom.

- Hush you stupid chump.

♪ Oh my darlin'

♪ Oh my darlin'

- Shh, you'll wake my wife up.

♪ Oh my darling Clemetine

♪ Oh my darling Clementine

♪ You are lost and gone forever.

- What's going on here, where's my Josef?

- Your husband's going up a ladder to your niece's bedroom.

[cackling]

- My husband is what?

He must be crazy drunk.

- Go get him Anna.

[exclaiming]

- Ah you're promiscuous huh?

So any man'll do.

I saw them, I saw them, yeah, uh huh

and I don't like it, your men just sneak in and out huh?

Seems you don't know where to stop.

- But they climbed in though the window.

What could I do?

- Josef, how can you do this?

The town, this'll finish us here.

[giggling]

- She thinks you and me.

[Anna shrieking]

Oh my god, Geronimo!

What's happening, the ground is moving.

Somebody stop the ground.

- He's an outright cad.

Look at that miserable dumbkopf.

Never set foot in here again!

Cover yourself Claudia.

[upbeat music]

- Yeck.

- Ah yoohoo [giggling]

Hey, how 'bout you and me huh?

- Know that man?

- Uh oh, he was dead, shot in the hemorrhoids,

so help me god, just thinking about it I pissed in my pants.

- He was at you gas station right?

- Yeah, uh huh.

- And he gave you some film.

- Yeah, but I threw it away

and he drove away without paying me,

ah but dead men don't drive.

- Where is the film?

- You want me to prove it?

I haven't got any film.

I'll show you every part of my beautiful body.

It's not there see, you know what's inside.

- Balls.

- It's thrilling, it takes the breath away.

♪ If your here there's no use in crying

♪ If she's small take dead aim at the center

♪ If you keep a pushin' and tryin'

♪ She'll spread out and allow you to enter.

- Pretty thing, come to me.

I've got what you need, see?

- Where is the formula?

- Okay, I'll tell you, I've hidden it

in a pair of leather pants, but which pair?

Or maybe I hid it in your clothes, let's see.

[clanging]

Let's show each other.

- [Rooster] Any cock'll do.

[birds tweeting]

[upbeat music]

- [Rooster] Will my cock do?

- Ciao bambina!

[chuckling]

[exclaiming]

[speaking in foreign language]

- And what have you been doing?

- Screwing like a head.

- How was it?

- Eh, not too bad.

Ah, but you know women, she got temperamental at me so.

- You never quit wasn't once enough?

- Not enough to get us this bread and bacon, come on.

[vocalizing joyfully]

- Well, I guess that's fair,

at least I'll get some food out of it.

Wow, what a loaf of bread.

[upbeat music]

- Here you are Emil. - Thanks.

- Here.

- Oh, oh, is that all?

- Well, I'm the one that did the balling.

[crickets chirping]

- Thanks for keeping our secret.

- But of course I kept it, my millions are at.

Do you think I'm the type that would tell a secret.

- Where is my formula, I need it.

- I left it at the drugstore laboratory

and maybe it's not secure.

Those nasty spies, it's possible they'll kill us.

[grunting]

- [Professor] Oh, you're very strong.

- Uh huh, yes, but listen there's muscle up here

and in my arms also huh, I'm strong everywhere.

I'll show you, let me demonstrate.

- [Professor] I'd appreciate it.

- It's okay, lean forward and I'll untie you.

Do you know where the drugstore is?

- [Professor] Yeah.

- You go there and wait for me.

I'll get my clothes and join you, and please wait.

Don't move an inch you understand?

You leave and they'll kill you.

- Oh no, they wouldn't kill me again.

- Yes, they sure would shoot you.

- Shoot, yeah.

- Remember, I have the formula, that's what they're after.

Do you think you could translate, a little bit of it.

- Uh huh, that's easy.

[Professor snorting and giggling]

- And when you do, we'll keep it for us.

[giggling]

[suspenseful music]

- Sally look out!

- [Sally] Stop him, don't let him get away.

[grunting]

[upbeat music]

- [Xaver] Halt, halt!

Stop there in the name of the law.

- Xaver am I glad to see you.

You're just in time, I'm escaping from the spies.

That makes no sense, you should be ashamed.

- No sense, the Professor will prove it.

Phone him at the drug store.

- Why at least don't you have underwear?

You're a disgrace you shouldn't be out in public.

- I'm trying to tell you, they stole my clothes.

- I'm warning you one more damn time,

if you don't get dressed quickly,

I'm gonna lock you up.

- I said my clothes were robbed.

- You're under arrest now Sandler, do I make myself clear?

- Perfectly, but you'll have to catch me first.

- Halt, halt.

- Come back here you. - I'll see you around.

- Come back. - Bye.

- You just wait'll I get you.

♪ All the girls keep running after the hot rod

♪ Around him they all like to flock

♪ To the wenches he's just like a sex god

♪ He rules all his chicks like a cock

♪ We love the hot rod

♪ He's the young fountains

♪ All the wenches fight to be drenched.

- Look at him go, look crazy hmm.

Good morning ma'am.

Oh, uh oh.

[upbeat music]

- Halt, I see you!

Stop I said, stop.

Stop, I'm coming to get you.

[grunting]

[upbeat music]

Aw, shit, stop Sandler, I'm gonna get you

if it's the last thing I ever do.

[grunting]

Ow, god damn it.

- Oh no, Sandy, where are you going?

That bastard, I'll bet he's been screwing in the bushes.

I'll fix him.

- Son of a bitch never gives up, I'll hide in the house.

Oh no, that'll be the first place he'll look.

I'll hide behind the wood.

[upbeat music]

[thumping]

[gasping]

[groaning]

- Oh Xaver, how'd you put your clothes on so fast?

- Ah ha, your husband is cuckoo

and ma'am it seems to me that you're a bit

mixed up and peculiar too.

I think I should arrest you also ma'am.

- Ah, but I made a mistake.

I thought you were that no good husband of mine.

That bastard, I'll pluck out his eyes

and bash his head in if I get my hands on him.

- Ah, he's not here then?

- [Anna] No, he's outside flaunting it.

- Excuse me, I'd better try and stop him.

- Ah ha. - Oh.

- Hi Xaver.

- Oh hi Sandler.

- Now let me tell you what has happened.

- Not now, I've gotta catch a lunatic

that's running around naked.

- Uh huh, so...

[chuckling] now it's you that's freaked out, too bad.

[gasping]

Now what was the cop doing in the house?

Can you explain that?

- This time you damn stupid fool, you've really done it.

Appearing in front of the whole town naked, how dare you?

- You won't believe this, but I was kidnapped by spies.

- Don't tell me you were kidnapped you philanderer.

I know what you're like, you were up to your old tricks

you reprobate scaring all the young girls

by taking off all your clothes.

- No, there really are two spies.

- You expect me to believe that story?

Come, come on, get inside you, get inside.

- [Sandler] Oh my ear, let me explain, come back here.

Anna, Anna, unlock the door, Anna.

Oh Anna, please don't go away,

don't leave me here, come back.

Mommy, you can't leave me here,

listen, come home, mommy, please come back.

[upbeat music]

- There's a lot of leather shorts out there.

- [Sally] Well, we'll have to go through them all

until we find the pair with the microfilm.

- Most of them are at the inn.

That should make it easier.

- Where the hell is my costume?

God damn it, I know I brought it with me.

It isn't here and I needed it to mingle with the locals.

- This would never happen to Bridget Bardot.

- Oh yeah, and Sean Connery wouldn't just stand there,

he'd put his head to work and get me a costume.

- Well, how about this little number Sally, huh?

I'm sure it fits.

[giggling]

- I'm supposed to be waiting on tables outside you fool you.

- Pretend I'm your order and eat me up.

- You'll have to catch me.

[giggling]

- Now comes the best part, the dessert

and the dessert is me.

- And here's another piece.

- That's nice, but I hope it fits.

- You can make anything fit, I should know.

- Oh, very funny.

[giggling]

[humming]

- Here.

- That's fine, now I'm ready to go.

- Oh, but you're always ready to go liebchen.

Come here.

- Oh.

[giggling]

- Get ready!

[grunting]

[upbeat music]

- Let me tell you something, you're not gonna

be dancing with anybody tonight.

- Screw you!

- I'm telling you!

[grunting]

- [Lois] Uh huh.

- [Claudia] What do you think you're doing?

Stop it.

Stop.

- [Lois] Oh come on Claudia, a bush in the hand

is worth two birds on the loose.

- [Claudia] Get away you creep.

[chuckling]

- [Lois] Just a little more.

- [Claudia] Stop it you laundry freak.

- [Lois] Fresh air's good for little beavers.

[upbeat music]

- I wonder, how do we find the formula in this crowd?

- Oh, I've got the whole thing planned, see you around.

[upbeat music]

[giggling]

[grunting]

- [Claudia] Come on Sepp, let's dance.

- Anything you say honey, I've been waiting for this chance.

[giggling and exclaiming]

[upbeat music]

- Bullshit.

[giggling and exclaiming]

- That's her Tino, that's the girl I want for me.

- There you go again, she's too hot for you.

What do you think you're doing?

I know how to stop you, you're embarrassing me, poof.

Frauline, give me that.

[exclaiming]

- Hey!

[punch landing] [grunting]

- I've heard about you faggot.

Why don't you go back to the city where you came from?

- But you're so masculine.

- I'll let you feel my arm.

[upbeat music]

[rooster crowing]

- [Claudia] What a cock a doodle oh, wow.

- And there really is a professor, it's true.

- He arrived today.

- Where did you hide him?

- In the cellar of my pharmacy.

There's nothing to worry about,

he's perfectly safe down there.

- I hope so.

- Hey doctor, hey doctor, come, I'm in an awful fix.

My old lady put me behind bars.

- I see you're under house arrest

and you make a good prisoner.

- You don't say.

Oh fuck, get me outta here, you'll see the key,

it's up over the jamb.

[upbeat music]

- If you want a girl, you gotta dance around here.

You gotta give them the sweet talk,

then you have to ram it in.

When she says no, just ram it home and she's happy.

It would have been easier to get laid at a rock festival.

- Yes, but only with the peasants.

You wait for me here.

[speaking in foreign language]

You have gorgeous legs, let me feel your Bavarian bush.

[pained screeching]

My finger, my finger, somebody take it off of me.

- Bastard, you should be ashamed of yourself.

You see, that's what you get for being

so fresh all the time.

[upbeat music]

[sneezing]

- Christ almighty.

Where's my plate, I must find it.

Oh, ah!

[crunching]

And I was so hungry too.

- You can still suck Xaver [chuckling].

You'll be more popular too with the boys.

- Don't make fun of me or I'll run you in.

In fact, I think you're the one

who's been stealing dentures.

Say ah.

- Ah.

- That's it ah.

Thank you.

[sobbing]

Say, not a bad fit for cheap teeth.

[upbeat music]

[gas passing loudly]

- [Outhouse Man] Hey, what the fuck

do you think you're doing?

Give me my pants you god damn pervert shit house thief.

When I get out of here I'm gonna kick you a new asshole.

[upbeat music]

- Huber, will you stop serving beer, you must come with us.

- You've got these two, why do you want me?

- Use your head, we're partners.

The Professor's waiting for us in the laboratory.

- The manure professor?

- Not so loud.

- He shut your mouth, just remember the formula.

- Be sure you keep it well hidden.

- And listen, don't tell anyone where it is.

- It's in my leather pants.

- Come on, let's go, get moving.

- Thank you for the pictures.

- How would you like to have some fun baby, huh?

- Taking photographs?

- No, we'll fuck.

- I'm better at it than he is.

- I've got the biggest one in town.

- Mine's much longer than his.

- Mine's a hell of a lot harder.

- Why don't you measure us all?

- Okay, but I'll only take on the largest.

- How do you propose we have this contest?

- Yeah, tell us.

- Ah well, now boys, you just move back there,

and drop your drawers and which ever one of you

has the biggest one gets me.

Pants off.

- Ouch, it's caught in my zipper.

- Get buttons next time.

- Wait until you see this one honey.

- Measure me, I'm ready.

- [Blond Boy] He's got a disease.

- Hey look at me.

- [Blond Boy] You'll faint when you get

a look at my sausage.

- [Zipper Boy] Wait for me, my pecker's

still caught in my zipper.

- [Blond Boy] Tough shit.

- [Claudia] My, you're all hung like young bulls,

I'll take you all on, but you'll have to catch me first.

[upbeat music]

- Come on let's get her.

- Let's get her.

[all shouting]

[upbeat music]

- Get the hell out of my way.

[woman screaming]

- What if Anna sees you?

- Mind your own business.

That dumb cunt wouldn't know where to find me anyway.

- Excuse me.

- Certainly, hello cutie, enjoy yourself.

[boys shouting]

Those guys'll fuck her blind.

Wait, that's the spies, after them.

- Our pants, we've been robbed.

- Okay, who's been robbed, move on, move on.

- Bugger off Xaver, go give out a parking ticket.

- Come on, she went that a way.

- Those are mine.

- Get outta the way shit kicker, you're coming with me.

- Stop that man, he's a sex fiend.

- Isn't everybody in this movie?

[grunting]

- Let me get my panties.

[grunting]

You're wasting your time, you're not my type.

- Get in the car.

- You're hurting me.

[groaning]

[chicken clucking]

- Uh huh, uh huh, now I've got you.

[Claudia squealing]

Oh shit.

- [Claudia] Oh my ankle.

- Uh huh, got you, you spy.

- Let go of me you fat pig. - Hold still,

- You won't get - Let go.

- Away this time cutie, I'm gonna turn you

over to the police. - Get away from me

you tub of lard. - They shoot spies don't they.

- Get off me fatso. - This isn't doing any good.

- [Claudia] Help rape!

Help rape, rape. - You dirty old man

you stop that get off that girl!

I'm gonna get mad and I'm coming.

- Hey Sandy, sock it to her.

- What's the matter with you?

- Hello Anna.

- Are you going crazy? - But I wasn't, listen.

- First you're running around naked

and now you're raping a girl in broad daylight.

I'll lock you up again, now.

- I'm innocent.

- You march straight back to the house.

- Uh, madam, madam, there's been a misunderstanding.

- I think you ought to shut your mouth

and mind your own business.

If you know what's good for you.

Are you out of your mind?

- Look she's getting away let go.

- Are completely mad?

[grunting]

- Stop this car you loser creep.

Wait 'til my uncle gets you. - Sit down.

[dog barking]

- Wait, where is she?

- Follow me.

- What?

- She went that a way. - Let's get her.

- [Sandler] She's headed for the barn.

- She ran that way.

- Okay, you guys over there.

- Where did the man go?

- We'll get the man later, come on.

[cow bells ringing]

[grunting]

- Well, now that we're here, we can spend our time resting,

unless you'd like some hanky panky.

- Hanky panky bullshit, haven't you balled me enough?

- And now you might be different, maybe.

- We've had enough of you gangsters here.

- I'm not a gangster, I'm an independent agent for industry.

- Oh yeah, you expect me to believe that story?

- Just promise me you won't run away,

and I won't need to tie you.

- No shit.

- But I did enjoy screwing you last night.

- You can only think of sex.

You weren't any good anyway.

[bells ringing]

This might make a good weapon.

- [Heiner] Agent 69 please come in.

Agent 69 please come in.

- Take that.

- What the hell? - Hey it's raining rice.

- Who's getting married?

- Take that too.

- Now it's apples.

- Must be an Italian marriage.

- [Sandler] I never thought our act was that bad.

- And take these too.

- Now it's raining onions.

- Italian apples.

[thumping]

- [Sandler] Oh, let's go fellas, let's get off stage.

What's happened to these young people,

no respect for their elders.

- Stop already, they didn't throw

anything at us at the Aria.

- Okay, stop it already.

The producer said we've gotta eat these props for lunch.

[men shouting]

Come on let's go, let's go.

- Super Dick, come in.

Super Dick, there are these men bugging me.

- [Heiner] Super Dick speaking.

If it's that gas station attendant,

I have his niece hostage.

- So, did you listen to what's coming down?

- Okay men, quickly, close the door.

[hinges creaking]

Okay, agreed, but don't hurt my niece.

I'll do anything, and tell that gangster

I wanna speak to my niece, to Claudia.

How horrible, how 'bout letting me speak

to her on that thing there?

Please, I've got to talk to her, let me talk to her.

- Okay, I'll get her.

Hello up there, you're uncle says

he wants to speak with you.

- Okay, I hope you got a good look at my bush.

That's the last time you'll see it.

Hurry uncle, this guys gonna eat me for lunch.

- Claudia, I'm coming with my friends, hold out.

I really am coming.

- You and your sex jokes.

- I didn't mean that, I mean

that we're coming to help Claudia, where is the place?

- At the Gamson Elms.

- Enough.

[groaning]

Okay, I'm expecting that you turn Sally loose, you hear

and the formula with her.

- Look, the microfilm belongs to us, clear?

- Let's not do anything hasty fellas.

It's worth millions.

- Remember, she's gonna be your daughter in law.

- Well, yeah, but this is more important.

- Oh, up your bladder.

Listen to me, you two go to the Professor

and keep the formula safe, we'll go get Claudia.

- Yeah, beautiful plan. - Yeah.

- Get moving men.

I've still got a trick or two up my sleeve

and they think I'm stupid.

- Maybe they're right.

- So, let's get you cute ass inside

and make a little love.

- Forget last night 'cause I'll never

fuck you again, never again.

[clattering]

- Come on Claudia, knock it off, be a sport honey.

Open the door, remember how sweet it was last night?

Open the gosh darn door.

Do you think this will stop me you crazy twit?

Open this darn door.

- Hey Lois come here.

- Hey Lois.

- Stop, stop.

Your sweet Claudia's being held prisoner.

- Yeah, she's being held at the Gamson Elms.

- Can you get there quickly? - Hurry.

- The others aren't coming, we're going back

to guard the Professor.

[both exclaiming]

- Come along, ah, this is the easiest way to get there.

- You're right.

- It's operating, she can sit on my lap.

- What's the matter with my lap.

- Look, it's my idea, so she'll sit on mine--

- See you later alligator.

- Look what's happening we gotta try and stop her.

- Ta ta, ta ta, ciao.

- Don't just stand there.

- What? Oh.

- Go after her.

- Stay there, stay there, I got you.

Come on, what are you waiting for, come on.

- Oh shit, I'm coming.

- [Sandler] Get in a chair you dumb fuck.

- Oh yes, a chair.

[grunting]

[mechanical whirring]

- Now, my little chickadee, I'm sure

to grab on to you [giggling]

- Yes, naturally.

- We'll catch up, yeah.

Faster Huber, we'll catch up with her.

[engine revving]

- Who was that?

- Evil Knievel?

[engine revving]

[upbeat music]

- Are you ready now?

I know you love me.

- Leave me alone you bastard. - Don't deny it.

- I know you're crazy about me

- You meat head. - stop pretending.

Come here Claudia, the other girl means nothing.

I'm yours alone my dearest.

Fly me to the moon.

[clattering]

Aw my sweet gentle little girl,

wait for me, we'll run away together, ouch.

I love girls who play hard to get.

[chuckling] Got you my little bird.

- Get away you damn asshole.

- I love you madly.

Come on, don't be coy.

We'll slide down the cellar door together,

just the two of us my delicate one.

- Can't you take a hint.

- Don't try to escape Frauline, it won't do you any good.

We'll catch you anyway.

- Fat chance you slob.

- We'll get you, come on Huber.

We'll get you before we get to Gamson Elms.

Come back here, hey, hey, hey, hey, it's got me.

Hey, let go, let go, help, help, no wait, help.

- Look, she's getting away Sandy.

- Huber you've gotta help me, I'm stuck, help.

- Where do you think you're going.

- Help me, help me.

[screaming]

- Wait for me I'm rushing.

Come back here Sandler.

- I can't come back there, do something idiot.

You come here.

[exclaiming]

[grunting]

Hurry, you gotta help me, I'm afraid of high places.

♪ There's a damsel running in the grass

♪ With gigantic titties and a very gorgeous ass

♪ I must light her fire

♪ I'll play with her nipples

♪ 'Til she's burning with desire

♪ I'll act cool and smart and the fun will start

♪ Tra-la-re, tra-la-la

- Oh my darling.

[grunting]

I know you didn't mean that.

Hey be careful with that, you'll hurt yourself.

Round and round we go, whoops.

That's not the gun you want

and now we are one my love.

[grunting]

♪ I'll roll her titties up and down

♪ There'll be no undressing

♪ I'll take off her gown and look into her eyes

♪ Shove my hand right between her thighs

♪ We'll be in the raw laying on the straw

♪ Oh la-re, oh la-ra

♪ Oh la-re, oh la-ra

- Come here you.

- Go. - Get on.

♪ Oh la-re, oh la-ra

- I don't ride with motorcycles

- It sure beats walking, get on.

- Okay then, get going move.

[engine revving]

- Help me, help me, I'm getting airsick.

Oh good, I'm coming in for a landing.

Thank god, terra firma.

- I'm coming Sandy, don't worry.

I'll save you, hang in there, hang in there.

- What a relief, now I can get off this thing.

Now maybe I can get some help.

Hello, Huber it's okay.

Now, to just get this loose.

Oops who turned out the lights?

If I could only find the button.

Help, is there anybody in here.

Help, help, is there anybody in there?

If there's anybody in there, shut this damn thing off.

Oh my god, shit, oh mother fucking god damn son of a bitch.

Why, why, did I ever buy these silly pants.

Piss on it, next time I'll take the fucking bus.

Hurry, Huber, hurry.

Get ready to jerk me off.

I don't wanna go up again.

- How come you didn't get off at the station?

- Because you fucking idiot, I like it here.

Now come on, stop asking me dumb questions.

Just get me down.

Oh, what have I done to deserve this?

- Hold on Sandy, I'm coming, I'm coming.

- Hurry, she's getting away, she's getting away, she's gone.

Forget it, nevermind, I've had it.

Piss on it, go on home.

I'm happy, I'm happy.

With friends like you, who needs enemies?

It's very easy for you down there,

but what about me up here?

But you don't care about me, I'm a bird,

I'm a big ass bird next I'll lay eggs, cluck, cluck.

Cock a doodle doo.

[grunting]

♪ I'll keep diddling the wench all day

♪ In the hottest most passionate lay

♪ And when my blimp goes limp

♪ I'll roll her over and say please let me get hard again

[shouting]

♪ Tra-la-re tra-la ra

- Come on grab me quick, Huber, grab hold of my legs.

- Slow down, slow down.

- Oh what the hell, forget it, I like it up here anyway.

I'll fly to Capastrano, you go on home.

Go on, up we go into the wild blue yonder flying.

[cow bells ringing]

- Aw.

- I'll show her, two can play at it.

[groaning]

- We'll show them they're not so great.

Come here.

[exclaiming]

- What are you, stop it.

What do you think you're doing?

- Come on, we'll show 'em.

- [Cow] What the hell are they doing lying down?

- Put me down you god damn mother fucking machine.

Hold it, I said put me down, god damn it.

Huber, help, get me off this damn thing.

I'll get killed.

Huber stop this god damn thing!

- Well, why didn't you push the stop button?

- What?

- The stop button.

- How the hell could I push it?

For christ sake you go push it.

Have you got shit for brains?

[Sandler screaming]

- [Doc] Sandler you're safe?

- Land, beautiful land, thank god.

- Did you break anything?

- I think I broke my ass.

- You shouldn't be doing things like that.

You're too old to learn to fly.

Grow up, you'll get a heart attack.

- Up there everything looks lovely.

- What do we do now?

- The spies, I saw the spies come on, come on.

- I'm coming. - Let's get them hurry.

- Just what the doctor ordered, take one.

- What if they have a gun?

- Well, we'll stick 'em, they'll be surprised.

We'll go get Claudia then haul ass back to the Professor.

- Let's go. - Come on.

- I'll show him who's the better peasant pumper

around this freaking place.

- Let's show him are speed, hmm, how about that?

- There they are get down.

Okay, come on.

- Ah ha!

- Ass, shh, here look, I'm gonna put this hat on the fork

and maybe they'll take a crack at it.

[suspenseful music]

[exclaiming]

- They didn't shoot.

- They're just laying each other.

- What?

Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

- We'll stick 'em in their damn asses.

You go around there, I'll go this way.

[suspenseful music]

- Stop it this instant you rapist.

- Uncle.

- You oughta be shot.

- This is shagging, we can't put up

with you acting this way.

- You oughta be ashamed of yourself.

- I'm mature enough to fend for myself.

So stop all this bullshit go fuck off.

- Now, that's enough.

You know, she's got some good points there.

[grunting]

And there's a second point, it's between your two legs

and that's the thing that starts your problems.

Just like a house cat.

- Well, you go around trying to hose strange dames

promoaning whatever you find.

- Suppose you tell me what I'm guilty of?

- You know very well what I'm saying.

- You have no respect.

[grunting]

It's time to shove off, I'll be at the bar with the boys

and you stay in your room.

- No.

- Now you obey me, stay in the house.

- No.

- Yes.

- [Claudia] No!

- Anna will you talk to her?

- When are you going to stop this?

Your problem is you will never find a husband this way.

If you don't get your head in order,

I'll stick you in a cloister.

- Don't lay that on me, they wouldn't have me.

- Well, you're in love with Lois.

- Yeah, but there's no way he'd marry me now.

- Ah, he'll forgive in a minute.

Just use a little enchantment on him.

- Yes but how?

- The same way I bagged your dear uncle.

You know, he didn't want me either at first.

- Well then, you must tell me your secret.

- Dance and fuck.

[men chuckling]

- I drink to you all [speaking in foreign language]

- Yeah. - Here's mud in your eye.

- Down the hatch.

- And after we're rich professor,

maybe we'll form a sheikdom.

- Hmm, sheikdom good idea.

- And then we'll sell all the gas to the Americans

they already buy our shit.

And by the time the Arabs find out,

we'll all be as rich as Rockefeller.

[men chuckling]

Oh boy, we'll build ourselves a harem here.

- Listen Doctor, when Huber drops in for a piece of ass

we'll grease up the goat, he'll never know the difference.

- Believe me, I'm so thankful

[speaking in foreign language]

You have saved me from the hands

of those unscrupulous people.

- Are you sure you locked up the suspects?

- You bet your sweet ass.

- We've got to get out and get the formula back

or the company will have us cleaning toilets again.

- Uh huh.

- Can't wait to blow this hick town.

- Yeah that's all right with me.

I'd like to get out of this sewer and back to Berlin.

- Yeah.

- Unbelievable.

- Think of something Super Dick.

- I've done everything I can possibly think

of to do you smarty, you got any good ideas?

Go and try 'em out.

- Ah, you poor little boy.

Watch this and see what a woman can do.

- What are you gonna do, give a little head?

- Lois, hey Lois!

I have something to give you.

If you let me out of here I'll give you a hand job.

- Be still and shut your big mouth.

- Ha ha, I guess you didn't make

a very good impression on him hot pants.

- Kiss my ass.

- You women think your bodies can get you anything, ha.

- I hope in the next war the Americans have you Italians.

- What are you talking about?

I do all of the work and you foul it up.

You haven't got me a piece of ass yet have you?

- Hey there.

Hello handsome, please help me, I'm locked up here.

- That is the one I want.

- What did I tell you?

I have solved the problem, I did it, watch me.

[speaking in foreign language]

- I'm locked in here, could you get me out?

I'd be sweet to you both.

- You bet your life I can do it

[speaking in foreign language]

Come on.

Come.

Ali-oop.

Up we go.

A little higher.

- [Sally] Do you happen to have a hacksaw with you?

- No.

- [Sally] How come, then rip the bars out.

You don't seem to be strong enough to do it.

[speaking in foreign language]

[grunting]

- Listen Emil, it's now your turn.

- Well, I've done everything I can do.

- Listen to me, get up on my shoulders, I'll lift you up.

- [Emil] Yeah, sure.

[grunting]

- [Tino] Hurry I'll get a hernia.

[upbeat music]

[grunting]

- [Sally] Oh, my hero.

- [Emil] I'm Emil, what's your name?

- Sally.

- [Emil] Easy does it, be careful Sally, there we go.

[exclaiming]

- Oh, thank you so much.

- [Emil] You're welcome Sally.

- Here's a kiss for you.

- But [speaking in foreign language]

what is this an escalator?

- Bye bye.

- Come on.

[upbeat music]

[grunting]

- She's certainly ungrateful.

- Yeah, maybe she wasn't the right girl after all.

[upbeat music]

♪ She's got the sweetest fanny in town

♪ Her bottom is sheer perfection

♪ Even the bull can't keep it down

- Hi Lois, what's doing?

- Go away and leave me alone.

♪ She goes ruck, ruck, ruck and a chuck a luck

♪ She drives them crazy grinding

- You don't love me anymore.

- I told you to let me alone, we're finished.

- Aw come on Lois, show it to me.

- Come on. - Is it still there?

- That's not very nice.

We're finished.

- Uh huh.

♪ She's got the sweetest fanny in town.

- A pity.

♪ All the Dickies and Peters start jumping

- Claudia.

- What do you want?

- What it is.

- [Claudia] Well Lois?

- You're not really leaving?

- I've only been warming up the oven for you my dear.

How 'bout it?

- That's different.

- [Claudia] Come and get it.

[chuckling]

- You weren't kidding, you're really ready.

- [Claudia] I just loves hot sausages.

- Someone told me if people don't pay

their garbage bill in Poland.

- Then they don't get any.

- And also all their dogs get flat heads

from chasing parked cars.

[chuckling]

- I feel sick [speaking in foreign language]

I'm going to throw up, excuse me.

- Yes.

- Just don't do it on me.

- I think I'll go check on the spies.

- Boy I'll be a millionaire.

- You, me.

- You, we're all in.

- Let me tell you, I got a secret.

- Don't tell me that nonsense.

I'm Polish, and I'll remember this Doc.

[groaning]

- Give it to me, harder.

[groaning]

More sausage, now you're.

- Please excuse me.

- [Claudia] Faster Lois, sock it to me.

- What's this, with Claudia?

Lois!

- Aw Xaver, we're only playing Doctor.

- Lois.

- Shame. - Don't yell at me.

- Shameless floozy.

While you're doing that the spies

could be getting out of here.

They have escaped.

While you two were fornicating the spies

have gotten out and you didn't even look.

I'm holding you responsible.

- I had 'em locked up there.

- Yeah, that instrument of the devil there,

that's the cause of the whole thing.

I'm gonna smash, now what do you think of that.

- It was yours.

- Mine, don't get fresh with the law.

Go inside, go, you too come on let's go,

move it, move it, - Take it easy.

- Move it, show some respect for the law.

Nobody has any respect for the law around here.

I might as well give the alarm.

- Hurry baby, the sausage isn't cooked yet.

I hope the oven's still warm.

Xaver's so dumb, it took him five minutes

to figure out what we were doing.

[chuckling]

- [Claudia] Honey, tell me something.

- [Lois] Anything baby.

- [Claudia] Do you always screw with your socks on?

[crowd shouting]

- [Doc] Bottoms up.

[upbeat music]

Bottoms up.

- Hey, Xaver just told me the prisoners have escaped.

- So?

Come on, let me see.

- The Professor's in danger.

- Oh my god, the formula.

- He shouldn't be alone, we gotta protect him.

- Hey, wait for me.

- Oh fellas wait the act hasn't even started yet.

- Forget about them sweetheart, let's ball.

[chuckling]

- Why not.

[giggling]

- When am I gonna get laid?

Everybody in this movie screws

everyone else except me.

- Just be patient you'll get yours too.

- I'm running out of time, we're in the eighth reel already.

- Ah, you'll get a shot at it.

There, there she is.

[poignant music]

You wait here and I'll be right back.

[upbeat music]

[pattering feet]

[speaking in foreign language]

- Oh no, no, no, I don't want to.

No, leave me alone you nasty little midget.

- [Tino] Let me feel your Bavarian bush.

- [Blond Girl] How's this.

- Oh mama mia!

[thumping]

[choking]

[Emil growling]

[poignant music]

[Emil growling]

[kissing]

[coughing]

What is all this bullshit?

It's bull shit, it really is.

[bubbling liquid]

- It needs a little something more.

Do you happen to have some pepper?

- Pepper, that's all it needs now, is pepper?

- Nein, that's only for this.

- Ow!

- Watch the noise stupid.

- What do you think they're doing out there?

- They're guarding the drug store jackass.

- Gosh, then the Professor must be in there.

- Wait, there's nobody guarding the back door.

Doc, you go around the rear, quick.

- Okay chief.

- Yes, you go, I'm in charge here, don't you forget that.

- Now we know where the Professor is hiding.

How do we get the formula?

- I don't know.

I have to think.

[upbeat music]

- [Heiner] I guess I know what that means.

I wish you could think on your feet like everybody else,

instead of on the flat of your back.

[upbeat music]

Once more into the breech.

- You said it.

[upbeat music]

- [Professor] Ah yes, I thought of how to make

gasoline out of bull shit when I worked

for the Pentagon in Washington.

[steady dripping]

- Well, I'll be a chimpanzee it works.

- Phew, it stinks in here, like a, like a refinery.

- Yeah, we're almost finished actually,

it must boil a little longer

- Ah

- And then of course we must add a few more ingredients.

- Isn't this very expensive?

- I found that the path to riches

often requires that the seeker infest a little bit of money.

- Yeah, of course, that's right.

- And what'll we call it, it has to have a name.

- Horse or shit regular, there is also horse shit-

- [Sandler] Oopa.

- Don't touch that!

Stupid.

- Oh, oh, oh, hey Professor, I promise,

I promise, I'll never do it again.

[grunting]

- I'm tired.

[groaning]

Have you got an idea yet?

- Oh, it's almost come.

[groaning]

[chickens clucking]

[exclaiming]

I've got a big idea.

- [Heiner] Thank god.

[suspenseful music]

- Halt, where do you think you're going?

- The Professor ordered some eggs.

- Eggs, now he wants eggs?

[grunting]

- Fresh eggs.

Mother, come, you can go in.

- [Sally] Thank you.

[steady dripping]

- Now that I'm a millionaire, I'm gonna buy a Cadillac.

- It smells like money.

- Oh, please, do you want to blow us all up?

- Professor, I just wasn't thinking.

- Pardon me please, here are your eggs.

- Shh, no young lady. - Go lady go.

- I can't be bothered, wait over there, over there.

- Amazing the most plentiful thing in the world is bullshit

and we make it into gas, isn't it marvelous?

Professor [speaking in foreign language]

it just takes a little of this pure glyphin, gryphon,

right, then runs it through kind of a glass.

- A refinery.

- Menagerie, bull shit then makes pure gasoline.

- [Sally] You crazy old farts, you're burning the formula.

- The, the, the formula!

- The formula you stupid bastard.

- There goes our millions.

- No need to panic [speaking in foreign language]

we're not defeated yet.

And here [speaking in foreign language]

we have the first half liter of

[speaking in foreign language]

With this sample I can reconstruct the formula

at any time I want.

- [Sandler] Bravo.

- Thank you, thank you.

- Oh, the bottle, catch her.

- [Sandler] Where the hell do you think you're going,

come back here, she's escaping.

- She's the spy - She's getting away

- Catch her. - Hold my muffler.

- Here, here take this to the cleaners.

[upbeat music]

- [Professor] Which way did she go?

- [Sandler] We've got to catch here.

- [Pharmacist] I don't know.

- The spies went that a way.

- Come on hurry.

- [Professor] This is a catastrophe,

I think she went this way.

- I'll go get Doc.

- Hey, wait a minute, that looked like the spy to me.

- Let's go. - Boy, when I catch her

I'm gonna break her god damn neck.

- There you are.

Ah good, we'll head her off at the pass vamanos.

- [Xaver] Huber, follow me.

- Wait, which cleaners did you want me to take this to?

[gasping]

- Super Dick, I'm afraid the formula's been

completely destroyed, you'll find in front

of the drug store, a bottle.

It's a sample of the gasoline,

I'll meet you at the car, 10 four.

- Ah ha, oh, you stay there or I'll shoot.

[passing gas loudly]

Oh my god what happened?

I think I shit in my pants.

How am I gonna explain this to my wife?

[giggling]

- [Claudia] Oh Lois what a sensuous mouth you have.

- [Lois] The better to eat you with my dear.

- [Claudia] Oh Lois what a big screwdriver you have.

- [Lois] The better to screw you with my dear.

- Oh excuse me is there another way out?

- Oh, thank you.

- [Claudia] Oh Lois, give me more.

[groaning]

[grunting and screeching]

- Sounds like feeding time at the zoo.

- Good morning uncle.

- Lois, knock it off.

All you two do is hump.

[suspenseful music]

[all shouting at once]

- [Doc] We'll make sure your balls are in a sling, thief.

Come back you mother grabbing formula thief.

- [Pharmacist] The cleaners was closed.

- I saw this done on television.

Stand aside, you've gotta be sure that the rope

is low to the ground, that's important.

- Oh, I see, that's very clear, and then what?

- When the spies come you pull it.

[screaming]

- [Doc] Jesus Sandler, what stinks?

[speaking in foreign language]

- [Professor] Why don't you try the Chinese laundry?

[engine rumbling]

- I've got it.

- Good, let's get to the car, make it quick.

- God damn it, here come the fuzz, we've gotta hide.

- The boat.

- We missed them, it's your fault again.

- Well, what do you propose?

- Hmm, that's too much, a boat with legs.

[grunting]

- The espionagers.

Hey you, come back here or I'll shoot.

- Come [speaking in foreign language]

I want to feel your Bavarian bush.

- But you don't need a girl anymore for your friend.

- Is not for him, it's for me.

- Oh, it's for you?

That's something else then.

Let's go [speaking in foreign language]

- I've heard you Italians are mad passionate lovers.

- This is my gas [speaking in foreign language]

- I don't know how to [speaking in foreign language]

- It's easy, I'll show you [speaking in foreign language]

Get in and take off you pants.

- [Brunette Girl] With your crood manners

you must get slapped a lot.

- [Tino] Si, but I also get

[speaking in foreign language] a lot.

[suspenseful music]

- Here, take it.

[engine revving]

- Here they come, stop 'em.

- That car's under arrest.

We've got 'em now, they're trapped.

- [Huber] Xaver you're the law, do something.

[speaking in foreign language]

- Beat it.

[all shouting at once]

- Stop, stop I said.

- There goes our millions.

The rotten bastards.

- We lost our millions.

- Maybe it's all for the good.

I've always liked the village the way it is anyway.

All that money would cause a lot of trouble here.

Who cares.

- This means I'm going to have to go out

and filter the formula again.

It's concentrated, which means that it's highly explosive.

- Shit, god damn it, and to think we came so close.

We almost had a million.

- Super Dick and Agent 69 to Mission Control.

Microfilm has been destroyed,

returning with synthetic sample of gasoline.

Our secret is safe from competing oil companies.

Returning for bonus, 10 four.

[loud explosion]

[coughing]

And what do we do next?

- Well let's see, I guess it's time

for me to do a lot of thinking.

- Gee whiz now.

- Why not, there's nothing else to do anymore.

- Leaping lizards Sally wasn't

that a big enough bang for you?

[Sally giggling]

Oh well, here we go again.

[upbeat music]