All language subtitles for Ellen.DeGeneres.The.Beginning.2000.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome
Ellen DeGeneres.

( cheering )

( mouths words )

I love you.

Thanks.

( mouths words )

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Ah.

Yeah, whoo.

Oh, my God.

This is a very
emotional night for me.

You have no idea.
Or maybe you do now.

Um...

this has been
quite a journey for me

to lead to this night,

because since I made
the decision to come out
three years ago...

( cheering )

I-- easy for you
to say, yeah, and...

My life has been
very interesting
the last three years

and I knew people
would maybe want me
to talk about it.

Some people may not
want me to talk about it.

And I went back and forth
trying to decide,

should I talk about it?
Should I not talk about it?

And ultimately
I decided,

no, I don't want
to talk about it.

It's been talked
about enough.

And I just felt like
how can I even--

what would I say?

I don't want
to talk about it.

I feel it would be
best expressed

through
interpretive dance.

( cheering )

( drums playing )

- ( fanfare )
- ( mouthing words )

( upbeat music playing )

( fireworks exploding )

( discordant notes play )

( music resumes )

( discordant notes play )

( music resumes )

( discordant notes play )

( music resumes )

( fireworks exploding )

( discordant notes play )

( dramatic music playing )

( dogs barking )

( horns honking )

Voices:
♪ Nyah, nyah,
nyah, nyah, nyah ♪

♪ Nyah, nyah, nyah,
nyah, nyah. ♪

( dramatic music playing )

( heart beating )

( soft music playing )

- ( music ends )
- ( cheering )

So that's what happened.

And it's interesting
because being down there--

and I know a lot of people
have been down there

and it doesn't matter
what the reason is

and it's a very symbolic thing,
it's a mental thing--

when you're down there,

there are times you do not
believe you will ever,
ever get up again.

And it's a scary place
and it's very dark.

But I believe that's when
you grow the most.

When you face your fears,
that's when you grow.

And so I decided
I'm going to face
every fear I have.

I'm gonna challenge myself
every opportunity I get.

People always try
to make you feel better.

They say, "Oh, there's nothing
to fear but fear itself."

Okay, great,
now I'm scared of fear.
Thank you very much.

Wasn't before.

I also decided to get rid
of the need of approval.

That is a strong addiction,
the need of approval,
isn't it?

I'm on the patch
right now, actually.

It releases
small doses of approval

until I no longer crave it,
then I'm gonna rip it off.

'Cause if I make that decision
to get back onstage,

I thought, "I cannot
worry about what people
think about me.

There are things
that need to be said,
things that I will say."

I will.

I know a lot of people
don't want me to say them

because people think
once something has stayed
a certain way

for a certain amount
of time, leave it alone,
don't change it.

But I think things
need to change.

And I will point them
out to you tonight.

I will say these things.

( cheering )

Yeah.

For instance,
do we still need directions

on the back
of a shampoo bottle?

Oh, yeah, I said it.

Who's shampooing
for the first time?
Anybody?

And if you are,
you can't read anyway.

You're like a wild,
crazy ape person

that's been raised
in the wild by monkeys

or wolves
or something nurturing
that would raise you.

Reptiles won't raise you.
They don't even raise
their own young.

Don't expect them
to raise you.

Those monitor lizards
don't even look that dangerous,

but those tails will whip
around, slap you in the head,
and break your neck.

So if you're in the wild,
try to catch the eye

of a monkey or a wolf
or something like that.

Don't look them
directly in the eye.

That's threatening
to them, actually.
Just sideways.

If you walk next to them
and kind of glance.

Actually, if you're lower,
that's even less threatening.

Just...

Don't smile.
If you show your teeth,
that's also threatening.

Just...

So say some hikers
find you, you know?

That's a big find.

If they find a crazy,
wild ape person,

they're gonna bring you back
to civilization, certainly.

But they're not gonna
just throw you in the shower

and expect you to know
how to shampoo your head.

They're gonna shampoo
your head for you.

And then you would
mimic that.

That's how you survived
so long in the wild,

by mimicking things.

So who needs
the directions on the back
of the shampoo bottle?

And it's not bad enough
there are directions.

There's a 1-800 number
on the back...

in case the directions
are too vague for you.

"Rinse and repeat"?
But how many times?

To me, the only thing
more pathetic than calling
the 1-800 number

is working at
the 1-800 number.

All right, let's go
through this again, shall we?

Uh-huh.

Right.

Yes.

I'm gonna stop you.
Did you wet your hair first?

You're welcome.

My pleasure.

That's my job.

Thank you.

Thank you for holding.

It's about the size
of a quarter in the palm
of your hand.

No, can't be two dimes
and a nickel.

No, it can't be
three nickels and a dime.

Well, 'cause it could
spread out that way,
that's why.

And then you just rinse
and repeat.

Yeah.

Oh, my.

How old are you?

You should repeat
several more times, then.

Mm, what
a fascinating story.

What did you survive on,
nuts and berries or what?

Wolves? My goodness.
Yeah.

Oh! And then they'd
just nuzzle you?

Aw.

No, I can't help you
with the conditioner.

You're gonna have to call
that line on your own.

Okay.

( applause, cheering )

I'm fascinated by animals.
All of nature, really.

All of nature
fascinates me.

You ever watch ants?

You have that kind
of time like me?

'Cause for a while there...

You know,

it's interesting,
because if you watch them,

they're always in that
one long single-file line.

If you notice that.
They're always in that
one single-file line.

They don't have to be.
There are no lanes
painted for them

that they're forced
to stay in.

They can go anywhere
on the ground that
they want to go,

but they stay in that line.

Don't you think there's
got to be that one ant,

that one asshole ant
in the back

just filled with road rage
back there?

Just, "Come on!
Let's go!"

You ever notice
sometimes an ant will
pick up a dead ant

and walk around
with that dead ant,
carrying that around?

That's to get
into the carpool lane
to pass up that line.

I'm pretty sure.

And we kill 'em
like crazy.

Just any kind of way
we can kill ants,
we'll kill them.

Orange soda,
any kind of liquid will do.

Anything,
just kill 'em.

'Cause the smaller
something is, the easier
it is for us to kill 'em,

'cause we don't see
their little expressions

right before we're killing
them going...

It's true.
We'll just kill anything.

A fly gets into your house.
Kill it right away.

Kill the fly.

What is the--
what's wrong with us?

What's the matter with us?

We named them.
They're called houseflies.

That is their name.

They know where to be.

You don't see a horsefly
trying to get in.

They're on a horse someplace.
They stay on horses.

Flies are amazing.
They're inside,

they're flying
all over the place

until they find a mirror.
Have you noticed that?

They find a bathroom
mirror and they are there
for about an hour.

They don't move.

I think it's 'cause they think
they found another fly

and they're having
a conversation with that fly.

Thank God.
I thought I was alone.

You look very familiar.

I'm very attracted to you.

You're a good listener.

Okay, here's the deal.
I think there's an open window.

You go tell the other flies
we found the house.

I'll wait here.

Go.
I'm gonna wait here.

All right, I'll go.

Hey, you wait here.

Don't come with me.

Are you mocking me?

Stay very, very still.
Here comes that human.

Oh, finally, she's gonna read
that Greenpeace newsletter.

Why is she
rolling it up?

( applause, cheering )

I don't like to kill things.
I really don't.

I will try
not to kill something.

If I can avoid it,
I will get it out
of the house.

People like to kill things.
A spider gets in, whatever.

I will take
a piece of cardboard

and I will try my best
to get it out the door
if I can.

I will-- anything
that's in the house.

Not anything.
Let me qualify that.

Like, if it's a burglar
or something, I'm not gonna
take a piece of cardboard.

Out, out, out, sir.

Sir, out.

But a spider gets
in the house, people want
to kill the spider right away.

A spider doesn't know
you don't want it in there.

It's not like you've posted
signs all over the place--

"Keep out, spider,"

which, to me,
would be very arrogant,

assuming they only
speak English.

But our ego tells us

we're the only ones that have
any kind of feelings.

We're the only ones
with a relationship.

We're the only ones
with family.

You know, I think that
if you kill a spider,

there is a relationship
that you're ruining.

There's a conversation
going on outside with
the other spiders.

Did you hear about Chris?

Killed, yeah.

Sneaker.

And now Stephanie
has 900 babies to raise
all alone.

She's got her legs full,
I'll tell you that right now.

Chris was so kind.
Wouldn't hurt a fly.

It's just been tough
for them lately.

They just lost their web
last week.

Those humans think
they're so smart.

Let them try shooting silk
out of their butt

and see what
they can make.

It's true.
I mean, if you look
at a spiderweb,

that is magnificent
to me.

Look at a spiderweb
and see what they can do.

Look at a bird's nest
and see what that is.

At least nature uses
every single thing
they've got.

We don't.
We are capable
of so much more

and we just don't use it.

You know that
Nelson Mandela quote,

"Our deepest fear is not
that we are inadequate,

our deepest fear
is that we are powerful
beyond measure.

It is our light,
not our darkness
that most frightens us."

Blah, blah, blah,
whatever he says.

It's true.
They say we use
10% of our brain.

10% of our brain.

And I think imagine
what we could accomplish

if we used the other 60%.

Do you know
what I'm saying?

I like to think
I'm smart

and then I'm constantly
reminded just left and right

that I'm just not
as smart as--

every single time I drive
my Toyota Land Cruiser

into an underground
parking structure, I duck.

Every single time.

Don't trust it.

I'm losing my mind
just slowly.

The older I get,
I'm doing things that are
just starting to scare me.

Like I'll be walking
out of the house

and I've just had a banana,
so I've got a banana peel
in one hand,

I've got my car keys
in the other hand.

I go to the trash,
I throw my car keys away

and I walk out
with my banana peel.

Constantly doing things
like that.

I forget people's names
all the time.

That's a really
bad one for me.

People I should
totally know, too.

They're coming up to me
at a party and I just
start panicking.

I have to do
that fake-out thing.

I'm sorry, remind me again
how you pronounce your name.

Cathy.
Okay, Cathy.

So the emphasis
is on the first syllable.
Cathy. Okay.

For some reason
I was thinking it was Cathy.
I don't know.

Look at you.

I have a hard time
staying focused for long
periods of time.

That's a-- that's--

I try.
I really try. I do.

Somebody's talking to me
and I'm there

as long as I can
possibly hold on,

and then I just drift off.

I don't know where I go,
but I'm not here.

Just a mouth moving
in front of me now.

I just have no clue
as to what they're saying.

And then I realize
I'm gone

and I don't know how long
I've been gone.

So I start to come back
and then I just catch
the word "leotard."

I'm like, "What the fuck?"
And I'm back.

And then I'm wondering
if they know that I was gone

and I'm back
'cause my facial expression
has changed so drastically.

So then I try to play with it
like what it looked like before

so it wasn't so...

Still, I'm not listening,
'cause I'm worried about
my facial expression

and what that's
looking like.

And then I totally
go off again.

Like, is it everybody
that I talk to?

Is everybody boring
or is it me?

Do I have ADD, you know?

And if so, I'm sure
there's some kind of clinic
or someplace

I could go get
tested for that
and find out for sure,

but who's got that kind
of time and patience

to call them up
and make an appointment

and find out
where they're located

and drive down there
and take a test

and sit around
and find out the answer
of the--

I know I have ADD
'cause I don't have
the patience

to go and find out
if I have ADD, you know?

( applause, cheering )

It's like people who take
ginkgo biloba every day.

If you can remember
to take it every day,
you don't need it.

So anyway,
so now I'm back

and there's that space,
that silence.

They've clearly
finished talking

and you have no idea
what they said.

So then you have to do
that fake-out thing.

Just, "Mmm."

Hmm-hmm, mmm!

Mmm.

Mmm?
Hmm-hmm.

"Mmm-mmm-mmm."

That's not good enough.

They're still just
kind of staring at you.

Do what I do.

If I can help you out--
I'm pleased to do it,

'cause I know
it's an awkward situation
for all of us--

I always say something
about Gloria Estefan.

I'm telling you it works.
If you commit to it,

she can work
into any conversation
you can possibly--

they could be like,
"What's that got to do
with copper plumbing?"

And you're like,
"Well, Gloria Estefan"

is the copper plumbing
of the music industry is all.

I mean, look at her--
she's beautiful, durable,

reliable, indestructible.

Look how she came back
after that bus accident.

"Are you gonna
debate me on this?"

And do that.
That brings it on home
if you...

I think people talk
too much anyway.

Talk, talk, talk,
talk, talk, talk.

Sometimes people
are talking in my mind.

I'm like, "Shut up.
Shut up. Shut up.

Shut up.
Blah, blah, blah, blah."

Right?

- People are-- all right.
- ( applause, cheering )

Yeah.

Now you're with me.

People are scared
of silence, aren't they?

I mean, you find silence,
people always have to fill it
with something.

The world
is so full of noise.

It is so hard
to find silence.

I believe that silence
is golden.

That is the one thing
I hold on to.

I believe
silence is golden.

It is where
all of our answers are.

It is where our truth is,
our passion, our path,

our-- everything.

All of the answers
are in silence if you
can find it.

I was outside
not too long ago
and I tried to meditate.

I closed my eyes
and I got to that still place

that everybody talks about.

Just for a moment,
but I was there.

And the first message
that I got so strongly

and so clear
was we are all one.

Every living thing,
we are all connected.

And the next thing I felt

was this little tiny thing
in the palm of my hand.

And I opened my eye
and I see that

there's this little mosquito
in the palm of my hand.

This little
prehistoric-looking creature,
this strange bug.

And I'm thinking about
what I just thought

and I look at this thing,
and then I just killed it.

And then I went back
to my loving state of being.

And the next thing
I heard was,

"Would you like anything else
or will that be all?"

I told the waiter,
"I was meditating, idiot.

Thanks a lot
for interrupting."

He wasn't getting a tip,
I'll tell you that.

It took forever
to get the veal anyway.

So...

I decided an outdoor cafe
was not the place
to be spiritual.

People are too rude
and stupid.

So I left.

And I start walking
to my car, which was, like,
three blocks away

because the parking
situation is crazy

because the world
is overpopulated with
the wrong kind of people.

So anyway...

( applause, cheering )

...and back
to the loving place.

And I'm walking.

And I see my car
and I see a meter maid

standing at my car
writing a ticket.

And I'm like,
"Oh, please, wait, stop.

Please don't
write the ticket.
I'm here."

And she's like,
"Oh, I'm sorry,

but you're parked illegally
in front of a fire hydrant."

And I'm like,
"Oh, illegally in front
of a fire hydrant."

You know.

And she's like,
"Please stop talking
to me that way."

And I'm like,
"What way?"
You know?

It was fun.
And so...

I said, "Please be
compassionate.

Don't give me the ticket.
I'm here."

And she said,
"Oh, I'm sorry.

I've already started writing.
I can't stop."

Oh, that's how it works?

You've already
started writing,
so you can't stop?

Okay. Well, I would like
to not hit you,

but my fist is already
in the air, okay?

And back
to the loving place.

And so I get in my car

and I lit up a cigarette
and prayed...

to where I would be led.

And I heard, "Drive."
And it was her.

I'm like, "All right."
You know? And so--

so I start driving
and it's so hard

to drive
and be compassionate
and loving,

'cause the way people drive
is just enough to--

I'm telling you,
I was behind somebody,

they were going so slow,

I could have gotten
out of my car and walked
around them going,

"Sorry to have to pass you,
but you're going a little
too slow."

♪ Do-do-do-do,
di-dittle-di-do ♪

♪ Do-do-do-dittle-di-do. ♪
You know?

Anyway, so I went
to go around him

to give him that
"I hate you" look.

How else are they
gonna learn?

Yeah. Yeah.
Right?

- ( applause, cheering )
- Yeah.

Yep.

It's up to us.
And so...

I went to go around him
and it was a nun.

Can you believe that?

Yeah, I was like,
"Why don't you take a vow
not to drive?

Drop it like
a bad habit."

You know?

And back
to the loving place.

And again praying
to where I would be led.

And then I see
a health food store.

Just right there.
Appears right before my eyes.

And I thought,
well, that seems spiritual.

I've never been in
a health food store before,
you know?

I don't know if you've been
in a health food store,

but, hey, if this is healthy,
sorry, don't want to be it.

Oh, I aspire to be you.
Uh-huh. Yeah.

They're so proud
of themselves, too.

"Guess how old I am."
I don't know.

"Guess. Guess how old."
30?

"I'm 16, but the point is
I've never had dairy."

Okay, whatever.

They think
they know it all.

"Let me see your tongue."
What?

"Let me see your tongue."
Ahh.

"Oh, you're full of toxins."
I said, "You're full of toxins.

What a stupid thing
to say to me."

I needed an herb
for something inside of me.

Like a spleen
or something that's inside

'cause something
needed something

because of something
that happened, and so...

they do this thing
called kinesiology.

They put the herbs
in your hand

and if your arm goes down,
you need that,

which is so stupid.

It sounds stupid,
but-- yeah.

But it's not.
It works.

I'll tell you what,
because last week
I was in Gucci

and I had a sweater
in my hand and it went
right down.

- ( applause, cheering )
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, and a couple
of minutes earlier,

I had a dress in my hand,
didn't go down at all.

- Just--
- ( applause, cheering )

Thank you.
Don't need it.

So anyway,
so then he said--

he, she, I don't know
what it was.

Name was Earth Spirit.
What's that, a boy's name?

Earth Spirit's
all like, "You need
some wheatgrass juice."

And I was like,
"Oh, wheatgrass juice.

Do I need
a sprout wrap, too?"
You know?

He said,
"Oh, your aura's brown."

I said, "Your aura's brown.
What a stupid thing
to say to me."

"Oh, we're gonna have
to call the security guard."

Ooh, the health food
security guard.

What's his name,
Whispering Pine?

Why, is my meat breath
offending you?

( exhales )

So anyway,
they kicked me out.
I left and...

So I'm driving again,
back to the loving place

and praying to where
I would be led.

And then it hit me.

Okay, you're out of rum.

So...

Yeah. Yeah.

If you're quiet,
it'll come.

So I went
to the liquor store and--

no parking ever,
you know,

so I had to park
across the street
in some parking lot

'cause, again, you know,
wrong kind of people.

And so--

so I go in the liquor store
and I get my rum

and a pack of smokes
and some rolling papers.

- And...
- ( applause, cheering )

Ah, right on.

So-- peace.
And so--

so, anyway, I come out
and I go to my car.

Parking attendant's standing
right next to my car.

Wasn't there
when I got out.

Parking attendant's
standing right there.

"Oh, you can't park here
for that establishment.

You must go in here
and purchase something
and get validated."

And I was like, "Oh, please
be compassionate, idiot."

You know?

"No, you have
to go in here."

So anyway, it looked
like a spiritual type place
that I was being led to.

It was called
the Pleasure Chest
or something like that.

- ( applause, cheering )
- Yeah.

Yep.

Yeah, some type of toy store,
I would guess.

Unsafe toys,
'cause I had been playing
with some of them

and I'll tell you--
I was like, you know,

"This pogo stick
is going to hurt somebody.

I don't know
who's gonna--

it's bad on your back
and it's not sturdy."

So, um...

right, that's what
I was thinking.

So, um...

anyway, so I had
to get something

and it was getting late
and I didn't want to deal
with the traffic.

I wanted to get into
the carpool lane, so I bought
a blow-up doll,

which they had and...

I don't know if I didn't
blow it up properly or--

anyway, it was deflating.
It was losing air.

That's the--
and so I had to pull over
on the side of the road.

And why they put
the valve

in the crotch area,
I don't know.

It's silly
is what it is.
It's silly.

( sighs )

So there I am
on the side of the road
blowing up...

Linda I named her,
and...

that's when there's a knock
at the window.

And it's a cop,
of course, you know?

And I thought,
"Okay, this does not
look good at all."

You know?
And it does not help
matters any that I'm naked.

And I'll tell you
why that is.

Well, if you're going
to buy a blow-up doll,

be forewarned that they
do not come with clothes.

I don't know what
that's about, but there's
no clothes or anything.

You can't even
dress them up.

So I thought,
"Well, I'm not gonna look
like a crazy person

driving around
with a naked passenger."

You know?

I'm not stupid.

So there I am, naked.

Well, except for the harness.
I bought a harness. And--

( applause, cheering )

And a captain's hat
and a paddle.

And so...

there I am
on the side of the road

getting handcuffed
in my harness and
a captain's hat

and a paddle
holding Linda.

And the cop said,
"You have the right
to remain silent."

I was like, "Finally.
That's what I've been
looking for all along."

( applause, cheering )

It's hard to find
the silence, isn't it?
It's just hard.

Even when it's silent,
it's not silent.

Even at night when you're
trying to go to sleep,

it's just quiet,
your head just doesn't stop.

Your brain just goes
and goes and goes.

All these non sequitur,
fragmented weird thoughts

that just pop
into your head.

That's when you find out
how boring you actually are.

It's just you.
It's just your thoughts.

You're trying
to go to sleep.

All of a sudden--
I like grapes.

That was a good restaurant
we went to today.

That was some
good tuna salad.

Not too much mayo.

I should start making
my own tuna salad.

Silly to go out
and pay for something
I can make at home.

I should order something
I don't know how to make

like eggplant parmesan
or something like that.

I've never really
liked eggplant,

but the parmesan
sounds interesting.

Oh, I think I left
money in my pants.

If it's a one,
I don't care.

But if it's a 20,
I want to get that
out of there.

It's fun
to find money, though.

That's fun.

You're not
really finding money.
It's your money.

I've got to remember that.
Money in the pants.
Money in the pants.

( continues chanting )

What's in the pants? Money.
Money in the pants.

M in the P.
M in the P. M in the P.

M in the P.
M in the P.

Oh, now I have to pee.

I just peed.
I don't really
have to pee.

I just think
I have to pee.

If I don't pee now,
I'm gonna get up in
the middle of the night.

I'm gonna be mad
I didn't pee now.

If I get up to pee,
I should check for the money
in the pants.

No, then I'm gonna
wake up too much.

I'm just gonna keep
my eyes closed

and pee
with my eyes closed.

Oh.

Get back in bed.

That's when
the weird images start.

That's the next phase.
Just these images.

Just a giant olive.
What?

Cloris Leachman's face.
How come?

And that's when
the song starts.

And you cannot stop
the song for anything.

The more you try
to stop the song,

the more the song goes
over and over and over
again in your head.

Just, oh, come on.
Please, just...

♪ By Mennen. ♪

Stop it!
Please, stop!

Stop.

♪ By Mennen. ♪

Stop it.
Please, shut up.

Shut up.

And then you hear,
"Shut up."

Who's talking?

And that's when
you realize

that it's your inner child
just playing with you.

Just talking back
and forth to you.

'Cause you don't play
with your inner child anymore,

so your inner child
is wide awake and just
wants to play.

And here you are,
negotiating with your
inner child at night.

Please, I have
a very busy day tomorrow.

"Oh, please, I have
a very busy day tomorrow."

♪ By Mennen. ♪
Stop it.

That's why people
are so angry and grumpy
and rageful all day long,

'cause their inner child
has kept them up
all night long

and they're exhausted
and the inner child is just
sound asleep now.

That child
doesn't go anywhere.

We still have
that child in us.

Each one of us
has that child

that we need to play with
every day and we would
sleep better.

I don't know what happens,
but somewhere along the way,

we just get so jaded
and we lose that joy
and that bliss.

When you look
in a child's eyes,

they're happy with just about
every single thing.

They're so simple.

Just watching them
learn how to walk,

their eyes are just--
they can't believe
they're walking.

They're so excited
that they're walking.

And just--
that's so happy for them.

And then we get older
and we're just--

I've got to walk.

No, I'll get it.

We lose that sense of play
that we should all--

I don't know what--
why do we stop playing
games, you know?

Just play.
Just go up to a total stranger
tomorrow on the street.

Just go up to him
and just touch him
and go, "You're it."

And just run away.

It would be so fun,
you know?

Maybe they were here.
They'll do it back to you.

Just try it tomorrow,
you know?

Have a giant game of tag
going on on the street
all the time.

Everybody playing
with their briefcases
and backpacks walking along.

Who's it?
I don't-- oh, I'm it!
No, you're it. No.

You're it!
You're it!

At work, just play.

When your boss comes in
looking for you, just play
hide-and-seek.

Just duck behind the desk.
Just...

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

I was under the desk!

And you, "Whoo!"

You didn't know!

What are they gonna do,
fire you?

Well, she was playing
hide-and-seek.

Children are so amazing.

They just remind you
of just how simple

things should be,
you know?

I have a godchild
that is the most beautiful
thing in the world to me.

My godchild,
she's an angel.

She's just a little precious
just ray of light.

She's two or six.
I don't know.

But she's...

Kids have fun so easily.

You're on a plane
and there's a kid
in front of you.

A two-year-old
or a four-year-old.

Peek-a-boo,
that's all they need.

They don't care about
in-flight entertainment,
anything.

Peek-a-boo is enough for them
just to make them giggle.

All it takes for you to make
a little kid just giggle
is go, "Boo."

And they duck down
and they're so excited.

They never get tired
of that game, though.

They will play
from here to Paris.
They just...

Couple hours in,
you're trying to end
that game.

( roars )

I don't know.
My imagination is--
that stops me sometimes.

When you're a kid,
imagination is fun
and nobody tries to stop it.

When you get older,
you all of a sudden

use your imagination
to keep you from doing things.

At least for me.

Like I'll want
to do something

and I'll just think,
"Oh, what if?"

You know that thing?

Let's say, for instance,
I'm out of cheese, okay?

And then I'll think,
"Oh, but what if

I go to the store
and they're out of cheese?"

I'd be like, "How can you
be out of cheese?"

And they'd be like,
"What do you mean, how can
we be out of cheese?

You're out of cheese.
People run out of cheese."

Then I'd be like,
"Yeah, but you're a store.

You should have cheese
stocked up in the back

for people like me coming in
looking for cheese."

And that's when they send
the manager over

who thinks he's so cool
for being the manager

'cause his picture's framed
in front of the store

'cause he's the manager,
you know?

And he'd be like,
"What seems to be
the problem, ma'am?"

Which to me
is so condescending.
Like little lady.

You know, and I'd be like,
"The little lady's problem--"

He'd be like,
"Who's the little lady?"

I'd be like, "Shut up
and listen to me.

You're out of cheese
and I want some."

He's like, "Well, how about
some cottage cheese?"

Like he's gonna negotiate
the situation.

He's a diplomat
'cause he's the manager,
you know?

And I'd be like,
"I don't want cottage cheese."

I want cheddar cheese.
Sharp cheddar cheese is what
I came in for.

Sharp cheddar cheese
and cottage cheese are not
the same thing.

Just 'cause something
has cheese in the title

doesn't make it
a cheese at all.

That'd be like going
to a musical instrument store

and saying, 'I'd like
to buy a trumpet,'

and they say, 'Oh, I'm sorry,
we're all out of trumpets,

but would you like
a shoehorn?'

"See, that's not
the same thing, is it,
Mr. Manager?"

Thank you for the shoehorn,
you know?

And he starts getting
all nervous and everything

'cause a crowd has formed
and he starts feeling
humiliated

'cause they're all
sitting around mumbling,

"What seems
to be the problem?"

"I don't know.
She wants some cheese."

And so he just slaps me
right across the face.

And so that's when Skip
the part-time guy

who works there
who hates the manager

'cause he thinks he's so cool
for being the manager

and treats Skip like shit
because he's just
a part-time guy

and Skip's gonna quit
in the fall and go back
to school anyway.

He doesn't
even need the money.
He's from a wealthy family.

He's just doing it
for the experience

'cause his family wants him
to work one summer.

So anyway,
so he takes the hose...

and he goes
to spray the manager
right in the eye, right?

But that's when
he's leaning down to pick up
the cottage cheese,

so he misses him
and he gets this old woman

who's standing
right behind him and she's
there picking out an avocado

'cause the older you get,
the less you eat

and all she wants
is the avocado.

So she screams out,
"My eye!

I've been sprayed in the eye
with a produce hose!"

And so then that's when
her nephew who's visiting
from Austin, Texas,

is two aisles over
picking out tortilla chips

'cause he thinks they're gonna
have some guacamole.

Little does he know
it's one avocado.

And so he starts running.

"I'll help you,
Aunt So and So."
Running.

And then when he's running
down the aisle,

he slips on the water
from the produce hose,

breaks his leg,
breaks his arm,

bruises two ribs right there,
gets a stitch put in
his cheekbone.

Just one, but still,
it's a stitch.

Chaos breaks out
and it's all over "Hard Copy"

and "Entertainment Tonight,"
"Access Hollywood."

"Lesbian demands cheese,
causes riot."

And I'm like,
"I didn't even want
the cheese."

( applause, cheering )

You know?

To me, the key
to being fashionable...

and I've been interviewed
on this hundreds of times,

is standing out,
but fitting in.

That's what it is.

You don't want to wear
something too wild

that somebody notices
and is kind of freaky,
you know?

But you also don't want
to wear some outfit

that someone could have
the exact same thing on
when you show up at the party.

That's embarrassing.
I don't know if that's
happened to you,

but that's happened
to me twice.

Both times it was
William Shatner.

And I'll tell you
something...

( applause, cheering )

I think I look better
in the tube top and
I'll say it.

I don't know.
I dress kind of boring.

I don't care.
I don't go for
the trendy stuff.

I don't understand.

Sometimes I think
the fashion designers

are just trying to see
what they can get away with,
you know?

They come up with
some of these things
and I'm just looking at 'em.

Like I'm talking about
the sarong or the sari,

which is the same thing,
I think.

And if not,
I'm "sarong and sari."

But--
( laughs )

( applause )

There was a time that
there was a dressing room.

You walked into a door--
a whole door.

And you could close the door
and you could try on clothes

and cry or whatever you do
in the dressing room.

But you had a door.
There's no door any longer.

You go to try on clothes
and the door is just getting
higher and higher up

and lower
and lower down.

You're trying to get
undressed behind a piece
of 2x4 back there.

You're just...

People can see
the underwear going down
around your ankles.

You know?
I don't know about you,

but I always take
my underwear off no matter
what I'm trying on.

I just...

Just a habit, really.

That's if the salesperson
can get to you.

'Cause they couldn't before
with the door.

They'd just be
on the outside of the door,
"Can I get you anything?

You need anything?
Everything all right in there?
How's everything?

Can I get you anything?"
Now they can just poke
their head in there.

"Can I get you anything?
How's everything?

Need anything?
Everything all right?"

Roll in upside down
on that little car mechanic
gurney that they get...

I said I would
call you, Rachel.
I don't need anything.

Scoot.

Boy, they check on you
a lot, don't they?

What could be going
so wrong that they need
to check on you that often?

My bra's in my ass!

Rachel!

( whispering )
My bra's in my ass.

My bra's in my ass.

Ass.

Come here.

( normal voice )
I like to see how far
they'll go to help you

if you tell them
your bra's in your ass.

"Oh, my.
It's in the ass?"

Do you need a different
size or color?

I don't know what to do
about the bra in the ass.

"( whispers )
I'll get the manager.
I don't know."

And then they've
taken the mirror out
of the dressing room

so you're forced to walk out
to take a look at yourself

so they can get
another crack at you
to tell you how you look.

'Cause you don't have
opinions of your own.

Just, "That looks fabulous."

Really?
"Yes.

Yeah, your ass
looks fabulous."

That's how they get you.
If they tell you your ass
looks good,

you're buying it.

"That blouse makes your ass
look fabulous."

Is that your bra?

"Well, it makes your ass
look fabulous."

The ass is such
an important thing now.

We check out our asses
like crazy when we try on
clothes.

Not only do we check out
our ass,

our entire facial
expression changes.

We make
the ass face suddenly.
It's that kind of...

That's my ass.

And that's my ass
that way.

I'm gonna walk away
and that's my ass.

We don't make the ass face
when we're at home naked

looking at ourselves
in the mirror.

Totally different
face then.

( mouths words )

Mighty fine seat
you got there.

( laughs )

I'm amazed by people
who are just so comfortable
with their nakedness.

It doesn't matter
what they look like,

they're just totally
comfortable being naked.

I love that.
I mean, I admire that
in people.

I think the people that are,
like, the most comfortable
being naked

are people who videotape
their sex.

You got to be so confident
about your body

videotaping your sex
just because no matter how much
your partner loves you,

in the heat of everything,
stuff is moving so fast

and going on, you know?

You're watching it back
on videotape,

you're risking
the partner going,
"I never saw that before.

"Have you seen this
on yourself right there?"

I don't know.
I just feel like--

the people that videotape
their sex,

there's only one
of two reasons that you're--

you're doing it because either
you're both so egotistical

that you're looking
at it together going,

"Look at us."

We are hot.

Unh, look at us.
Look at us. Look at us.

Look at us.
Look.

Look at me. Look at me.
Look at me. Look at me.

Look at you.
Look at me again.
Look, look, look.

"Look at me
looking at you."

Or you're looking at it
together like football players

to try to improve
for the next time

to get better,
you know?

"All right, let's take a look
right here, shall we?"

Okay, here's what
I'm talking about.

You see how your elbow
is up so high

and your back is arched
right there?

Not the best time
to do it.

I think I'd hold out
on that until there.

That's when you should
do it right there.

Okay.
And what's going on
right here?

What's that?
What's happening
right there?

Huh? I'll tell you.
Nothing.

"Okay. Nope."

( applause, cheering )

"Nope."

A lot of energy.
Lot of energy.
Lot of energy.

Look at my face.
Nothing going on.
Nothing.

You might want to check in
once in a while.

You know what I'm saying?
All right.

No, I know
I'm biting my lip.

It's to keep
from laughing.

Where'd you come up
with that little technique?

Did you make that up?

I thought so.
Don't do it. Okay.

Don't cry.
Come on.

This is how we learn.

Let's get back in there
and try it again, come on.

"What do you mean
you're not in the mood?"

( applause, cheering )

I don't know.
I don't understand

a lot of the stuff
that people are into,

but I do believe
that everyone has the right

to do whatever they want
to do with their bodies.

If it makes you
feel good, do it.

It is your life.
It is your body.

Two consenting adults.

I just don't understand
a lot of it, you know?

Like people who are into
the mile high club.

You know, wanting to have
sex in a bathroom on a--

I don't understand that.
I have questions.

I just...

how do you even have room
to fit two people in there
to have sex, you know?

I mean, I barely
have room to have sex
in there by myself.

Yeah, I have to leave
the door open a smidge

'cause my leg
has to be like that.

I got to--
that's how I like it.

I don't know. Sex--
boy, that'll separate you.

You tell somebody
what you're into,

people are,
"Ooh, you like that?
You're weird."

That separates people
like crazy when you talk
about sexuality.

Very interesting.
We have this huge debate
going on right now

about same-sex marriage.

There are people
who are against it.

There are people
who are for it.

And the people
who are against it--

some people say
marriage is a union
between a man and a woman

and it's always been
that way and it should
always remain that way.

If we change it
and it's between two people
of the same sex,

then what's next?
Someone could marry an animal.

That's where they go to
right away.

These people scare me
and they think we're weird.

- Right?
- ( cheering )

I don't want
to marry a goat.

I really don't.

I can't imagine
marrying a goat.

I can't even imagine
dating a goat.

Getting to the point
that you're that serious

to make that kind
of commitment.

Sure, you'd live together
for a little while

to figure it out and see
if you're compatible,

but I'm just picturing
the apartment with you
and the goat.

Just photographs
all over the place.

You and the goat on the beach
running, holding hands.

You and the goat with
the four-for-one photo strip.

The...

Sunday morning you're trying
to read the paper,

it's trying to eat it.

Don't you eat that section.
I haven't read that yet.

Don't you eat--
don't you eat--
come here.

I love you,
you goat.

Come here.
You little goat.

( laughing )

I would think that
would be a tough day

even for the most liberal
parents the day you bring
the goat home.

Just, "Mom, Dad",

this is Billy.

"We are in love."

I don't know.
If you don't like something,

say you don't like it,
say you disapprove of it,

say it's your opinion
that you don't like it
or it's wrong.

Everyone's got a right
to their opinion.

I fully believe that.
But when people bring
God into it

and say God says this,
God wants this,

God believes that,
I don't know how you do that.

I don't know how you speak
for someone else

because until
you're sitting with someone
and hear it for yourself

with your own ears
out of someone else's mouth,

it's hard to speak
for someone else.

That's what I believe.

( applause, cheering )

I have learned
in this business

to not believe anything
that I read or hear

until I sit down
with that person
and hear it for myself.

And that's one of the perks
of this business.

You get to meet
a lot of interesting people

and you get to have a lot
of interesting conversations.

And I've been lucky enough--
I've met the president

and Oprah and Madonna
and a lot of people

and so it was a matter of time
before I would meet God.

And I have.

What a day that was.

I will tell you something,
this was magical for me

because I was invited over
to God's house one afternoon

for fondue and Chablis.

Normally I don't like Chablis,
but it was nice.

It was dry with
a peppery oak aftertaste.

I'm getting ahead of myself.
Anyway, so...

I get up to God's house.

As I'm pulling up,
Jennifer Love Hewitt
was just leaving.

She's sweet.
So anyway--

so I go in and I'm sitting
in God's living room

and I'm waiting

and it's bright in there,
let me tell you that.

Every lamp was on.
Crazy, crazy bright in there.

So I'm sitting there
and I'm waiting

and I started
thinking, "I wonder
what he's dressed like.

I wonder if he wears
that robe all the time,
you know?"

Because I feel like that
about the Pope.

Like once in a while,
don't you think he throws on

a pair of shorts
and a tank?

Chilling out,
you know?

And then I started
thinking,

"I wonder if I'm dressed
appropriately to meet God."

I don't know how
you're supposed to dress.

And then I realized
God's seen me naked, so...

I just took my clothes off.
And, uh...

So anyway, so I'm looking
around the living room

and in front of me
there's a coffee table

with two magazines on it--
"Teen People" and
"Guns & Ammo."

And a poster of a kitten
on the wall

that said,
"Hang in there, baby."

Pictures of Jesus
everywhere.

I mean, you can't even
believe how many pictures
of Jesus there were.

Just a picture of Jesus
on a pony with a cowboy hat.

A picture of Jesus
on the beach with a T-shirt

that said, "My parents
created the universe and all
I got was this lousy T-shirt."

Anyway, I started
getting nervous.

I'm like,
"I'm gonna meet God
in just a minute."

I don't even know
how to greet God.

Do I shake hands
or do I curtsy or bow?

I mean, do we hug?
I feel close enough to God
to hug God.

But I know a lot
of people want to hug me
because TV does that,

but I don't want to hug
a lot of these people.

So I was just trying
to be respectful.

So anyway,
a couple minutes later
God walks in the room

carrying the tray
of fondue and Chablis.

I would say she was
about 47, 48 years old.

( applause, cheering )

Just a beautiful,
beautiful black woman.

( applause, cheering )

And we just
immediately hugged.

And, oh, she smelled
so good.

She said it was
Calvin Klein's Obsession.

And we sat down and started
drinking the Chablis

and talking about
the weather

and what was going
to happen to it.

And I was asking
just different questions.

A bunch of questions
I was just curious about.

I asked, like,
what's the hardest thing
about being God?

And she said,
"Trusting people."

You never know if people
really like you

or if it's just
'cause you're God.

And people always want
something from you.

"They want money
and then they want more money."

That's what they ask for a lot.
Nobody ever thanks her anymore.

Only people who thank her
are boxers and rappers.

Yeah. Yeah.

Rappers are singing songs
like, "Slap the bitch
up the ass."

I'd like to thank
the Lord Almighty
for this award.

Praise Jesus.

Nobody cares about
the miracles anymore.

The miracles
just go by unnoticed.

I said, "What was
the last miracle?"

She cried.
She was upset
that I had to ask.

It's the toilet that flushes
automatically.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yep. Before that, it was
the George Foreman Grill

because the fat
just drips right off.

And, uh-- yeah.

So anyway, I guess it was
the Chablis or something,

but I loosened up
enough to say--

I said,
"God, I have to admit,

I really felt alone a lot.

I felt like
you didn't exist.

I didn't believe in you
for a time."

And she said,
"Do you remember that day you
were walking on the beach?"

I said, "Yeah."

She said,
"I was there."

I said, "There was just
one set of footprints, though."

She said,
"I was on your back."

I thought I felt heavy
that day.

I thought it was
water retention.

She said, "Know that
when you are bloated,
I am there."

That comforts me.
You know, I'm not gonna
bore you with everything.

We talked about
a lot of stuff.

I mean, she told me
the meaning of life
and stuff like that.

But anyway,
I was leaving--

I was walking out the door
and I turned around
and I said,

"God, I have to say
I'm sorry."

I am so sorry
that we're killing
all the animals.

I'm so sorry that we're
chopping down all the trees.

I'm sorry that we're filled
with hate instead of love.

I'm sorry that
we call each other names
and judge each other.

I'm sorry that we go to war
and kill each other.

"I'm sorry."

And she was silent
for a few seconds

and then she looked at me
and she said,

"Have you seen
Gloria Estefan's hair lately?"

♪ Come on, shake your body,
baby, do that conga ♪

♪ I know you can't control
yourself any longer ♪

♪ Come on, shake your body,
baby, do that conga ♪

♪ I know you can't control
yourself any longer ♪

♪ Come on, shake your body,
baby, do that conga ♪

♪ I know you can't control
yourself any longer ♪

♪ Feel the rhythm
of the music getting stronger ♪

♪ Don't you
fight it till you tried it,
do that conga beat. ♪

You're in
my college textbook.

- I'm in your
college textbook?
- Yeah.

It says that you
are a role model

instead of the people
on "Melrose Place."

In your college textbook,
I'm a role model?

- Yeah, I have it here.
- ( cheering )

Wow.

Are you
giving this to me?

You're just showing me?
I trust you.

You don't have to,
you know. Liar!

I come from France.

I saw you--

I saw you
on French TV.

You speak in French.

- I did?
- Yeah.

Was I muy bueno?

First of all,
I want to say I saw you
in the Staller Center.

- Do you remember that?
- Wait.

You saw me where?

In the Staller Center
in Stony Brook years ago
when you first started.

I saw you.
Oh, come on.
I have your picture.

Oh, yeah,
there you are.

- Yeah, how have you been?
- Great.

Look at you.

How do you pronounce
your name again?

- Arlene. Arlene.
- Arlene, yeah, yeah.

You look fantastic.
Have you lost a little
weight or something?

I didn't even
recognize you.

It's God.
No, I'm kidding.

( cheering )

I just wanted
to ask you, Ellen,

if you and Anne
are thinking of having
a commitment ceremony,

I'd like to be
invited to that.

Oh, well, just jot
down your name.

We'll definitely
invite you.

Absolutely.

Yes, ma'am.

I am a rabbi
and I will do
your wedding--

yours and Anne's
wedding for you.

- You'll do
our wedding?
- Yes.

All right,
and she'll come.

Fantastic.
It's all set.

Do we have a caterer
in the audience?

Super.

We would like
finger sandwiches, please.

Yes, sir, right there.

- Me?
- Yep.

- Ma'am.
- Ma'am, sorry.
I'm sorry.

See...

No, the man behind you.

( cheering )

Oh, no.

Yes, ma'am.

My princess,
talk to me.

( cheering, applause )

Oh, queen of mine.

Um, I actually
just had a comment.

You are a role model to me

both before and especially
after you came out.

( voice breaking )
Excuse me, I'm sorry.

And I just want to thank
so much you

and your wife Anne
for coming out

because it took so much
strength and courage

and you give me so much hope
and promise for my future

that I can be normal
and fulfill my dreams.

And you're one of--
I'm one of the people
that you've changed my life

by coming out
and I'm living proof.

- So thank you.
- ( cheering, applause )

Come here.

Thanks.

You people have been
so amazing.

Go home and love yourselves
and love each other.

Good night.
Thank you so much
for coming out.

I appreciate it.