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Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Ellen DeGeneres.

( cheering )

( mouths words )

I love you.

Thanks.

( mouths words )

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Ah.

Yeah, whoo.

Oh, my God.

This is a very emotional night for me.

You have no idea. Or maybe you do now.

Um...

this has been quite a journey for me

to lead to this night,

because since I made the decision to come out three years ago...

( cheering )

I-- easy for you to say, yeah, and...

My life has been very interesting the last three years

and I knew people would maybe want me to talk about it.

Some people may not want me to talk about it.

And I went back and forth trying to decide,

should I talk about it? Should I not talk about it?

And ultimately I decided,

no, I don't want to talk about it.

It's been talked about enough.

And I just felt like how can I even--

what would I say?

I don't want to talk about it.

I feel it would be best expressed

through interpretive dance.

( cheering )

( drums playing )

- ( fanfare ) - ( mouthing words )

( upbeat music playing )

( fireworks exploding )

( discordant notes play )

( music resumes )

( discordant notes play )

( music resumes )

( discordant notes play )

( music resumes )

( fireworks exploding )

( discordant notes play )

( dramatic music playing )

( dogs barking )

( horns honking )

Voices: ♪ Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah ♪

♪ Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah. ♪

( dramatic music playing )

( heart beating )

( soft music playing )

- ( music ends ) - ( cheering )

So that's what happened.

And it's interesting because being down there--

and I know a lot of people have been down there

and it doesn't matter what the reason is

and it's a very symbolic thing, it's a mental thing--

when you're down there,

there are times you do not believe you will ever, ever get up again.

And it's a scary place and it's very dark.

But I believe that's when you grow the most.

When you face your fears, that's when you grow.

And so I decided I'm going to face every fear I have.

I'm gonna challenge myself every opportunity I get.

People always try to make you feel better.

They say, "Oh, there's nothing to fear but fear itself."

Okay, great, now I'm scared of fear. Thank you very much.

Wasn't before.

I also decided to get rid of the need of approval.

That is a strong addiction, the need of approval, isn't it?

I'm on the patch right now, actually.

It releases small doses of approval

until I no longer crave it, then I'm gonna rip it off.

'Cause if I make that decision to get back onstage,

I thought, "I cannot worry about what people think about me.

There are things that need to be said, things that I will say."

I will.

I know a lot of people don't want me to say them

because people think once something has stayed a certain way

for a certain amount of time, leave it alone, don't change it.

But I think things need to change.

And I will point them out to you tonight.

I will say these things.

( cheering )

Yeah.

For instance, do we still need directions

on the back of a shampoo bottle?

Oh, yeah, I said it.

Who's shampooing for the first time? Anybody?

And if you are, you can't read anyway.

You're like a wild, crazy ape person

that's been raised in the wild by monkeys

or wolves or something nurturing that would raise you.

Reptiles won't raise you. They don't even raise their own young.

Don't expect them to raise you.

Those monitor lizards don't even look that dangerous,

but those tails will whip around, slap you in the head, and break your neck.

So if you're in the wild, try to catch the eye

of a monkey or a wolf or something like that.

Don't look them directly in the eye.

That's threatening to them, actually. Just sideways.

If you walk next to them and kind of glance.

Actually, if you're lower, that's even less threatening.

Just...

Don't smile. If you show your teeth, that's also threatening.

Just...

So say some hikers find you, you know?

That's a big find.

If they find a crazy, wild ape person,

they're gonna bring you back to civilization, certainly.

But they're not gonna just throw you in the shower

and expect you to know how to shampoo your head.

They're gonna shampoo your head for you.

And then you would mimic that.

That's how you survived so long in the wild,

by mimicking things.

So who needs the directions on the back of the shampoo bottle?

And it's not bad enough there are directions.

There's a 1-800 number on the back...

in case the directions are too vague for you.

"Rinse and repeat"? But how many times?

To me, the only thing more pathetic than calling the 1-800 number

is working at the 1-800 number.

All right, let's go through this again, shall we?

Uh-huh.

Right.

Yes.

I'm gonna stop you. Did you wet your hair first?

You're welcome.

My pleasure.

That's my job.

Thank you.

Thank you for holding.

It's about the size of a quarter in the palm of your hand.

No, can't be two dimes and a nickel.

No, it can't be three nickels and a dime.

Well, 'cause it could spread out that way, that's why.

And then you just rinse and repeat.

Yeah.

Oh, my.

How old are you?

You should repeat several more times, then.

Mm, what a fascinating story.

What did you survive on, nuts and berries or what?

Wolves? My goodness. Yeah.

Oh! And then they'd just nuzzle you?

Aw.

No, I can't help you with the conditioner.

You're gonna have to call that line on your own.

Okay.

( applause, cheering )

I'm fascinated by animals. All of nature, really.

All of nature fascinates me.

You ever watch ants?

You have that kind of time like me?

'Cause for a while there...

You know,

it's interesting, because if you watch them,

they're always in that one long single-file line.

If you notice that. They're always in that one single-file line.

They don't have to be. There are no lanes painted for them

that they're forced to stay in.

They can go anywhere on the ground that they want to go,

but they stay in that line.

Don't you think there's got to be that one ant,

that one asshole ant in the back

just filled with road rage back there?

Just, "Come on! Let's go!"

You ever notice sometimes an ant will pick up a dead ant

and walk around with that dead ant, carrying that around?

That's to get into the carpool lane to pass up that line.

I'm pretty sure.

And we kill 'em like crazy.

Just any kind of way we can kill ants, we'll kill them.

Orange soda, any kind of liquid will do.

Anything, just kill 'em.

'Cause the smaller something is, the easier it is for us to kill 'em,

'cause we don't see their little expressions

right before we're killing them going...

It's true. We'll just kill anything.

A fly gets into your house. Kill it right away.

Kill the fly.

What is the-- what's wrong with us?

What's the matter with us?

We named them. They're called houseflies.

That is their name.

They know where to be.

You don't see a horsefly trying to get in.

They're on a horse someplace. They stay on horses.

Flies are amazing. They're inside,

they're flying all over the place

until they find a mirror. Have you noticed that?

They find a bathroom mirror and they are there for about an hour.

They don't move.

I think it's 'cause they think they found another fly

and they're having a conversation with that fly.

Thank God. I thought I was alone.

You look very familiar.

I'm very attracted to you.

You're a good listener.

Okay, here's the deal. I think there's an open window.

You go tell the other flies we found the house.

I'll wait here.

Go. I'm gonna wait here.

All right, I'll go.

Hey, you wait here.

Don't come with me.

Are you mocking me?

Stay very, very still. Here comes that human.

Oh, finally, she's gonna read that Greenpeace newsletter.

Why is she rolling it up?

( applause, cheering )

I don't like to kill things. I really don't.

I will try not to kill something.

If I can avoid it, I will get it out of the house.

People like to kill things. A spider gets in, whatever.

I will take a piece of cardboard

and I will try my best to get it out the door if I can.

I will-- anything that's in the house.

Not anything. Let me qualify that.

Like, if it's a burglar or something, I'm not gonna take a piece of cardboard.

Out, out, out, sir.

Sir, out.

But a spider gets in the house, people want to kill the spider right away.

A spider doesn't know you don't want it in there.

It's not like you've posted signs all over the place--

"Keep out, spider,"

which, to me, would be very arrogant,

assuming they only speak English.

But our ego tells us

we're the only ones that have any kind of feelings.

We're the only ones with a relationship.

We're the only ones with family.

You know, I think that if you kill a spider,

there is a relationship that you're ruining.

There's a conversation going on outside with the other spiders.

Did you hear about Chris?

Killed, yeah.

Sneaker.

And now Stephanie has 900 babies to raise all alone.

She's got her legs full, I'll tell you that right now.

Chris was so kind. Wouldn't hurt a fly.

It's just been tough for them lately.

They just lost their web last week.

Those humans think they're so smart.

Let them try shooting silk out of their butt

and see what they can make.

It's true. I mean, if you look at a spiderweb,

that is magnificent to me.

Look at a spiderweb and see what they can do.

Look at a bird's nest and see what that is.

At least nature uses every single thing they've got.

We don't. We are capable of so much more

and we just don't use it.

You know that Nelson Mandela quote,

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,

our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."

Blah, blah, blah, whatever he says.

It's true. They say we use 10% of our brain.

10% of our brain.

And I think imagine what we could accomplish

if we used the other 60%.

Do you know what I'm saying?

I like to think I'm smart

and then I'm constantly reminded just left and right

that I'm just not as smart as--

every single time I drive my Toyota Land Cruiser

into an underground parking structure, I duck.

Every single time.

Don't trust it.

I'm losing my mind just slowly.

The older I get, I'm doing things that are just starting to scare me.

Like I'll be walking out of the house

and I've just had a banana, so I've got a banana peel in one hand,

I've got my car keys in the other hand.

I go to the trash, I throw my car keys away

and I walk out with my banana peel.

Constantly doing things like that.

I forget people's names all the time.

That's a really bad one for me.

People I should totally know, too.

They're coming up to me at a party and I just start panicking.

I have to do that fake-out thing.

I'm sorry, remind me again how you pronounce your name.

Cathy. Okay, Cathy.

So the emphasis is on the first syllable. Cathy. Okay.

For some reason I was thinking it was Cathy. I don't know.

Look at you.

I have a hard time staying focused for long periods of time.

That's a-- that's--

I try. I really try. I do.

Somebody's talking to me and I'm there

as long as I can possibly hold on,

and then I just drift off.

I don't know where I go, but I'm not here.

Just a mouth moving in front of me now.

I just have no clue as to what they're saying.

And then I realize I'm gone

and I don't know how long I've been gone.

So I start to come back and then I just catch the word "leotard."

I'm like, "What the fuck?" And I'm back.

And then I'm wondering if they know that I was gone

and I'm back 'cause my facial expression has changed so drastically.

So then I try to play with it like what it looked like before

so it wasn't so...

Still, I'm not listening, 'cause I'm worried about my facial expression

and what that's looking like.

And then I totally go off again.

Like, is it everybody that I talk to?

Is everybody boring or is it me?

Do I have ADD, you know?

And if so, I'm sure there's some kind of clinic or someplace

I could go get tested for that and find out for sure,

but who's got that kind of time and patience

to call them up and make an appointment

and find out where they're located

and drive down there and take a test

and sit around and find out the answer of the--

I know I have ADD 'cause I don't have the patience

to go and find out if I have ADD, you know?

( applause, cheering )

It's like people who take ginkgo biloba every day.

If you can remember to take it every day, you don't need it.

So anyway, so now I'm back

and there's that space, that silence.

They've clearly finished talking

and you have no idea what they said.

So then you have to do that fake-out thing.

Just, "Mmm."

Hmm-hmm, mmm!

Mmm.

Mmm? Hmm-hmm.

"Mmm-mmm-mmm."

That's not good enough.

They're still just kind of staring at you.

Do what I do.

If I can help you out-- I'm pleased to do it,

'cause I know it's an awkward situation for all of us--

I always say something about Gloria Estefan.

I'm telling you it works. If you commit to it,

she can work into any conversation you can possibly--

they could be like, "What's that got to do with copper plumbing?"

And you're like, "Well, Gloria Estefan"

is the copper plumbing of the music industry is all.

I mean, look at her-- she's beautiful, durable,

reliable, indestructible.

Look how she came back after that bus accident.

"Are you gonna debate me on this?"

And do that. That brings it on home if you...

I think people talk too much anyway.

Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.

Sometimes people are talking in my mind.

I'm like, "Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

Shut up. Blah, blah, blah, blah."

Right?

- People are-- all right. - ( applause, cheering )

Yeah.

Now you're with me.

People are scared of silence, aren't they?

I mean, you find silence, people always have to fill it with something.

The world is so full of noise.

It is so hard to find silence.

I believe that silence is golden.

That is the one thing I hold on to.

I believe silence is golden.

It is where all of our answers are.

It is where our truth is, our passion, our path,

our-- everything.

All of the answers are in silence if you can find it.

I was outside not too long ago and I tried to meditate.

I closed my eyes and I got to that still place

that everybody talks about.

Just for a moment, but I was there.

And the first message that I got so strongly

and so clear was we are all one.

Every living thing, we are all connected.

And the next thing I felt

was this little tiny thing in the palm of my hand.

And I opened my eye and I see that

there's this little mosquito in the palm of my hand.

This little prehistoric-looking creature, this strange bug.

And I'm thinking about what I just thought

and I look at this thing, and then I just killed it.

And then I went back to my loving state of being.

And the next thing I heard was,

"Would you like anything else or will that be all?"

I told the waiter, "I was meditating, idiot.

Thanks a lot for interrupting."

He wasn't getting a tip, I'll tell you that.

It took forever to get the veal anyway.

So...

I decided an outdoor cafe was not the place to be spiritual.

People are too rude and stupid.

So I left.

And I start walking to my car, which was, like, three blocks away

because the parking situation is crazy

because the world is overpopulated with the wrong kind of people.

So anyway...

( applause, cheering )

...and back to the loving place.

And I'm walking.

And I see my car and I see a meter maid

standing at my car writing a ticket.

And I'm like, "Oh, please, wait, stop.

Please don't write the ticket. I'm here."

And she's like, "Oh, I'm sorry,

but you're parked illegally in front of a fire hydrant."

And I'm like, "Oh, illegally in front of a fire hydrant."

You know.

And she's like, "Please stop talking to me that way."

And I'm like, "What way?" You know?

It was fun. And so...

I said, "Please be compassionate.

Don't give me the ticket. I'm here."

And she said, "Oh, I'm sorry.

I've already started writing. I can't stop."

Oh, that's how it works?

You've already started writing, so you can't stop?

Okay. Well, I would like to not hit you,

but my fist is already in the air, okay?

And back to the loving place.

And so I get in my car

and I lit up a cigarette and prayed...

to where I would be led.

And I heard, "Drive." And it was her.

I'm like, "All right." You know? And so--

so I start driving and it's so hard

to drive and be compassionate and loving,

'cause the way people drive is just enough to--

I'm telling you, I was behind somebody,

they were going so slow,

I could have gotten out of my car and walked around them going,

"Sorry to have to pass you, but you're going a little too slow."

♪ Do-do-do-do, di-dittle-di-do ♪

♪ Do-do-do-dittle-di-do. ♪ You know?

Anyway, so I went to go around him

to give him that "I hate you" look.

How else are they gonna learn?

Yeah. Yeah. Right?

- ( applause, cheering ) - Yeah.

Yep.

It's up to us. And so...

I went to go around him and it was a nun.

Can you believe that?

Yeah, I was like, "Why don't you take a vow not to drive?

Drop it like a bad habit."

You know?

And back to the loving place.

And again praying to where I would be led.

And then I see a health food store.

Just right there. Appears right before my eyes.

And I thought, well, that seems spiritual.

I've never been in a health food store before, you know?

I don't know if you've been in a health food store,

but, hey, if this is healthy, sorry, don't want to be it.

Oh, I aspire to be you. Uh-huh. Yeah.

They're so proud of themselves, too.

"Guess how old I am." I don't know.

"Guess. Guess how old." 30?

"I'm 16, but the point is I've never had dairy."

Okay, whatever.

They think they know it all.

"Let me see your tongue." What?

"Let me see your tongue." Ahh.

"Oh, you're full of toxins." I said, "You're full of toxins.

What a stupid thing to say to me."

I needed an herb for something inside of me.

Like a spleen or something that's inside

'cause something needed something

because of something that happened, and so...

they do this thing called kinesiology.

They put the herbs in your hand

and if your arm goes down, you need that,

which is so stupid.

It sounds stupid, but-- yeah.

But it's not. It works.

I'll tell you what, because last week I was in Gucci

and I had a sweater in my hand and it went right down.

- ( applause, cheering ) - Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, and a couple of minutes earlier,

I had a dress in my hand, didn't go down at all.

- Just-- - ( applause, cheering )

Thank you. Don't need it.

So anyway, so then he said--

he, she, I don't know what it was.

Name was Earth Spirit. What's that, a boy's name?

Earth Spirit's all like, "You need some wheatgrass juice."

And I was like, "Oh, wheatgrass juice.

Do I need a sprout wrap, too?" You know?

He said, "Oh, your aura's brown."

I said, "Your aura's brown. What a stupid thing to say to me."

"Oh, we're gonna have to call the security guard."

Ooh, the health food security guard.

What's his name, Whispering Pine?

Why, is my meat breath offending you?

( exhales )

So anyway, they kicked me out. I left and...

So I'm driving again, back to the loving place

and praying to where I would be led.

And then it hit me.

Okay, you're out of rum.

So...

Yeah. Yeah.

If you're quiet, it'll come.

So I went to the liquor store and--

no parking ever, you know,

so I had to park across the street in some parking lot

'cause, again, you know, wrong kind of people.

And so--

so I go in the liquor store and I get my rum

and a pack of smokes and some rolling papers.

- And... - ( applause, cheering )

Ah, right on.

So-- peace. And so--

so, anyway, I come out and I go to my car.

Parking attendant's standing right next to my car.

Wasn't there when I got out.

Parking attendant's standing right there.

"Oh, you can't park here for that establishment.

You must go in here and purchase something and get validated."

And I was like, "Oh, please be compassionate, idiot."

You know?

"No, you have to go in here."

So anyway, it looked like a spiritual type place that I was being led to.

It was called the Pleasure Chest or something like that.

- ( applause, cheering ) - Yeah.

Yep.

Yeah, some type of toy store, I would guess.

Unsafe toys, 'cause I had been playing with some of them

and I'll tell you-- I was like, you know,

"This pogo stick is going to hurt somebody.

I don't know who's gonna--

it's bad on your back and it's not sturdy."

So, um...

right, that's what I was thinking.

So, um...

anyway, so I had to get something

and it was getting late and I didn't want to deal with the traffic.

I wanted to get into the carpool lane, so I bought a blow-up doll,

which they had and...

I don't know if I didn't blow it up properly or--

anyway, it was deflating. It was losing air.

That's the-- and so I had to pull over on the side of the road.

And why they put the valve

in the crotch area, I don't know.

It's silly is what it is. It's silly.

( sighs )

So there I am on the side of the road blowing up...

Linda I named her, and...

that's when there's a knock at the window.

And it's a cop, of course, you know?

And I thought, "Okay, this does not look good at all."

You know? And it does not help matters any that I'm naked.

And I'll tell you why that is.

Well, if you're going to buy a blow-up doll,

be forewarned that they do not come with clothes.

I don't know what that's about, but there's no clothes or anything.

You can't even dress them up.

So I thought, "Well, I'm not gonna look like a crazy person

driving around with a naked passenger."

You know?

I'm not stupid.

So there I am, naked.

Well, except for the harness. I bought a harness. And--

( applause, cheering )

And a captain's hat and a paddle.

And so...

there I am on the side of the road

getting handcuffed in my harness and a captain's hat

and a paddle holding Linda.

And the cop said, "You have the right to remain silent."

I was like, "Finally. That's what I've been looking for all along."

( applause, cheering )

It's hard to find the silence, isn't it? It's just hard.

Even when it's silent, it's not silent.

Even at night when you're trying to go to sleep,

it's just quiet, your head just doesn't stop.

Your brain just goes and goes and goes.

All these non sequitur, fragmented weird thoughts

that just pop into your head.

That's when you find out how boring you actually are.

It's just you. It's just your thoughts.

You're trying to go to sleep.

All of a sudden-- I like grapes.

That was a good restaurant we went to today.

That was some good tuna salad.

Not too much mayo.

I should start making my own tuna salad.

Silly to go out and pay for something I can make at home.

I should order something I don't know how to make

like eggplant parmesan or something like that.

I've never really liked eggplant,

but the parmesan sounds interesting.

Oh, I think I left money in my pants.

If it's a one, I don't care.

But if it's a 20, I want to get that out of there.

It's fun to find money, though.

That's fun.

You're not really finding money. It's your money.

I've got to remember that. Money in the pants. Money in the pants.

( continues chanting )

What's in the pants? Money. Money in the pants.

M in the P. M in the P. M in the P.

M in the P. M in the P.

Oh, now I have to pee.

I just peed. I don't really have to pee.

I just think I have to pee.

If I don't pee now, I'm gonna get up in the middle of the night.

I'm gonna be mad I didn't pee now.

If I get up to pee, I should check for the money in the pants.

No, then I'm gonna wake up too much.

I'm just gonna keep my eyes closed

and pee with my eyes closed.

Oh.

Get back in bed.

That's when the weird images start.

That's the next phase. Just these images.

Just a giant olive. What?

Cloris Leachman's face. How come?

And that's when the song starts.

And you cannot stop the song for anything.

The more you try to stop the song,

the more the song goes over and over and over again in your head.

Just, oh, come on. Please, just...

♪ By Mennen. ♪

Stop it! Please, stop!

Stop.

♪ By Mennen. ♪

Stop it. Please, shut up.

Shut up.

And then you hear, "Shut up."

Who's talking?

And that's when you realize

that it's your inner child just playing with you.

Just talking back and forth to you.

'Cause you don't play with your inner child anymore,

so your inner child is wide awake and just wants to play.

And here you are, negotiating with your inner child at night.

Please, I have a very busy day tomorrow.

"Oh, please, I have a very busy day tomorrow."

♪ By Mennen. ♪ Stop it.

That's why people are so angry and grumpy and rageful all day long,

'cause their inner child has kept them up all night long

and they're exhausted and the inner child is just sound asleep now.

That child doesn't go anywhere.

We still have that child in us.

Each one of us has that child

that we need to play with every day and we would sleep better.

I don't know what happens, but somewhere along the way,

we just get so jaded and we lose that joy and that bliss.

When you look in a child's eyes,

they're happy with just about every single thing.

They're so simple.

Just watching them learn how to walk,

their eyes are just-- they can't believe they're walking.

They're so excited that they're walking.

And just-- that's so happy for them.

And then we get older and we're just--

I've got to walk.

No, I'll get it.

We lose that sense of play that we should all--

I don't know what-- why do we stop playing games, you know?

Just play. Just go up to a total stranger tomorrow on the street.

Just go up to him and just touch him and go, "You're it."

And just run away.

It would be so fun, you know?

Maybe they were here. They'll do it back to you.

Just try it tomorrow, you know?

Have a giant game of tag going on on the street all the time.

Everybody playing with their briefcases and backpacks walking along.

Who's it? I don't-- oh, I'm it! No, you're it. No.

You're it! You're it!

At work, just play.

When your boss comes in looking for you, just play hide-and-seek.

Just duck behind the desk. Just...

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

I was under the desk!

And you, "Whoo!"

You didn't know!

What are they gonna do, fire you?

Well, she was playing hide-and-seek.

Children are so amazing.

They just remind you of just how simple

things should be, you know?

I have a godchild that is the most beautiful thing in the world to me.

My godchild, she's an angel.

She's just a little precious just ray of light.

She's two or six. I don't know.

But she's...

Kids have fun so easily.

You're on a plane and there's a kid in front of you.

A two-year-old or a four-year-old.

Peek-a-boo, that's all they need.

They don't care about in-flight entertainment, anything.

Peek-a-boo is enough for them just to make them giggle.

All it takes for you to make a little kid just giggle is go, "Boo."

And they duck down and they're so excited.

They never get tired of that game, though.

They will play from here to Paris. They just...

Couple hours in, you're trying to end that game.

( roars )

I don't know. My imagination is-- that stops me sometimes.

When you're a kid, imagination is fun and nobody tries to stop it.

When you get older, you all of a sudden

use your imagination to keep you from doing things.

At least for me.

Like I'll want to do something

and I'll just think, "Oh, what if?"

You know that thing?

Let's say, for instance, I'm out of cheese, okay?

And then I'll think, "Oh, but what if

I go to the store and they're out of cheese?"

I'd be like, "How can you be out of cheese?"

And they'd be like, "What do you mean, how can we be out of cheese?

You're out of cheese. People run out of cheese."

Then I'd be like, "Yeah, but you're a store.

You should have cheese stocked up in the back

for people like me coming in looking for cheese."

And that's when they send the manager over

who thinks he's so cool for being the manager

'cause his picture's framed in front of the store

'cause he's the manager, you know?

And he'd be like, "What seems to be the problem, ma'am?"

Which to me is so condescending. Like little lady.

You know, and I'd be like, "The little lady's problem--"

He'd be like, "Who's the little lady?"

I'd be like, "Shut up and listen to me.

You're out of cheese and I want some."

He's like, "Well, how about some cottage cheese?"

Like he's gonna negotiate the situation.

He's a diplomat 'cause he's the manager, you know?

And I'd be like, "I don't want cottage cheese."

I want cheddar cheese. Sharp cheddar cheese is what I came in for.

Sharp cheddar cheese and cottage cheese are not the same thing.

Just 'cause something has cheese in the title

doesn't make it a cheese at all.

That'd be like going to a musical instrument store

and saying, 'I'd like to buy a trumpet,'

and they say, 'Oh, I'm sorry, we're all out of trumpets,

but would you like a shoehorn?'

"See, that's not the same thing, is it, Mr. Manager?"

Thank you for the shoehorn, you know?

And he starts getting all nervous and everything

'cause a crowd has formed and he starts feeling humiliated

'cause they're all sitting around mumbling,

"What seems to be the problem?"

"I don't know. She wants some cheese."

And so he just slaps me right across the face.

And so that's when Skip the part-time guy

who works there who hates the manager

'cause he thinks he's so cool for being the manager

and treats Skip like shit because he's just a part-time guy

and Skip's gonna quit in the fall and go back to school anyway.

He doesn't even need the money. He's from a wealthy family.

He's just doing it for the experience

'cause his family wants him to work one summer.

So anyway, so he takes the hose...

and he goes to spray the manager right in the eye, right?

But that's when he's leaning down to pick up the cottage cheese,

so he misses him and he gets this old woman

who's standing right behind him and she's there picking out an avocado

'cause the older you get, the less you eat

and all she wants is the avocado.

So she screams out, "My eye!

I've been sprayed in the eye with a produce hose!"

And so then that's when her nephew who's visiting from Austin, Texas,

is two aisles over picking out tortilla chips

'cause he thinks they're gonna have some guacamole.

Little does he know it's one avocado.

And so he starts running.

"I'll help you, Aunt So and So." Running.

And then when he's running down the aisle,

he slips on the water from the produce hose,

breaks his leg, breaks his arm,

bruises two ribs right there, gets a stitch put in his cheekbone.

Just one, but still, it's a stitch.

Chaos breaks out and it's all over "Hard Copy"

and "Entertainment Tonight," "Access Hollywood."

"Lesbian demands cheese, causes riot."

And I'm like, "I didn't even want the cheese."

( applause, cheering )

You know?

To me, the key to being fashionable...

and I've been interviewed on this hundreds of times,

is standing out, but fitting in.

That's what it is.

You don't want to wear something too wild

that somebody notices and is kind of freaky, you know?

But you also don't want to wear some outfit

that someone could have the exact same thing on when you show up at the party.

That's embarrassing. I don't know if that's happened to you,

but that's happened to me twice.

Both times it was William Shatner.

And I'll tell you something...

( applause, cheering )

I think I look better in the tube top and I'll say it.

I don't know. I dress kind of boring.

I don't care. I don't go for the trendy stuff.

I don't understand.

Sometimes I think the fashion designers

are just trying to see what they can get away with, you know?

They come up with some of these things and I'm just looking at 'em.

Like I'm talking about the sarong or the sari,

which is the same thing, I think.

And if not, I'm "sarong and sari."

But-- ( laughs )

( applause )

There was a time that there was a dressing room.

You walked into a door-- a whole door.

And you could close the door and you could try on clothes

and cry or whatever you do in the dressing room.

But you had a door. There's no door any longer.

You go to try on clothes and the door is just getting higher and higher up

and lower and lower down.

You're trying to get undressed behind a piece of 2x4 back there.

You're just...

People can see the underwear going down around your ankles.

You know? I don't know about you,

but I always take my underwear off no matter what I'm trying on.

I just...

Just a habit, really.

That's if the salesperson can get to you.

'Cause they couldn't before with the door.

They'd just be on the outside of the door, "Can I get you anything?

You need anything? Everything all right in there? How's everything?

Can I get you anything?" Now they can just poke their head in there.

"Can I get you anything? How's everything?

Need anything? Everything all right?"

Roll in upside down on that little car mechanic gurney that they get...

I said I would call you, Rachel. I don't need anything.

Scoot.

Boy, they check on you a lot, don't they?

What could be going so wrong that they need to check on you that often?

My bra's in my ass!

Rachel!

( whispering ) My bra's in my ass.

My bra's in my ass.

Ass.

Come here.

( normal voice ) I like to see how far they'll go to help you

if you tell them your bra's in your ass.

"Oh, my. It's in the ass?"

Do you need a different size or color?

I don't know what to do about the bra in the ass.

"( whispers ) I'll get the manager. I don't know."

And then they've taken the mirror out of the dressing room

so you're forced to walk out to take a look at yourself

so they can get another crack at you to tell you how you look.

'Cause you don't have opinions of your own.

Just, "That looks fabulous."

Really? "Yes.

Yeah, your ass looks fabulous."

That's how they get you. If they tell you your ass looks good,

you're buying it.

"That blouse makes your ass look fabulous."

Is that your bra?

"Well, it makes your ass look fabulous."

The ass is such an important thing now.

We check out our asses like crazy when we try on clothes.

Not only do we check out our ass,

our entire facial expression changes.

We make the ass face suddenly. It's that kind of...

That's my ass.

And that's my ass that way.

I'm gonna walk away and that's my ass.

We don't make the ass face when we're at home naked

looking at ourselves in the mirror.

Totally different face then.

( mouths words )

Mighty fine seat you got there.

( laughs )

I'm amazed by people who are just so comfortable with their nakedness.

It doesn't matter what they look like,

they're just totally comfortable being naked.

I love that. I mean, I admire that in people.

I think the people that are, like, the most comfortable being naked

are people who videotape their sex.

You got to be so confident about your body

videotaping your sex just because no matter how much your partner loves you,

in the heat of everything, stuff is moving so fast

and going on, you know?

You're watching it back on videotape,

you're risking the partner going, "I never saw that before.

"Have you seen this on yourself right there?"

I don't know. I just feel like--

the people that videotape their sex,

there's only one of two reasons that you're--

you're doing it because either you're both so egotistical

that you're looking at it together going,

"Look at us."

We are hot.

Unh, look at us. Look at us. Look at us.

Look at us. Look.

Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me.

Look at you. Look at me again. Look, look, look.

"Look at me looking at you."

Or you're looking at it together like football players

to try to improve for the next time

to get better, you know?

"All right, let's take a look right here, shall we?"

Okay, here's what I'm talking about.

You see how your elbow is up so high

and your back is arched right there?

Not the best time to do it.

I think I'd hold out on that until there.

That's when you should do it right there.

Okay. And what's going on right here?

What's that? What's happening right there?

Huh? I'll tell you. Nothing.

"Okay. Nope."

( applause, cheering )

"Nope."

A lot of energy. Lot of energy. Lot of energy.

Look at my face. Nothing going on. Nothing.

You might want to check in once in a while.

You know what I'm saying? All right.

No, I know I'm biting my lip.

It's to keep from laughing.

Where'd you come up with that little technique?

Did you make that up?

I thought so. Don't do it. Okay.

Don't cry. Come on.

This is how we learn.

Let's get back in there and try it again, come on.

"What do you mean you're not in the mood?"

( applause, cheering )

I don't know. I don't understand

a lot of the stuff that people are into,

but I do believe that everyone has the right

to do whatever they want to do with their bodies.

If it makes you feel good, do it.

It is your life. It is your body.

Two consenting adults.

I just don't understand a lot of it, you know?

Like people who are into the mile high club.

You know, wanting to have sex in a bathroom on a--

I don't understand that. I have questions.

I just...

how do you even have room to fit two people in there to have sex, you know?

I mean, I barely have room to have sex in there by myself.

Yeah, I have to leave the door open a smidge

'cause my leg has to be like that.

I got to-- that's how I like it.

I don't know. Sex-- boy, that'll separate you.

You tell somebody what you're into,

people are, "Ooh, you like that? You're weird."

That separates people like crazy when you talk about sexuality.

Very interesting. We have this huge debate going on right now

about same-sex marriage.

There are people who are against it.

There are people who are for it.

And the people who are against it--

some people say marriage is a union between a man and a woman

and it's always been that way and it should always remain that way.

If we change it and it's between two people of the same sex,

then what's next? Someone could marry an animal.

That's where they go to right away.

These people scare me and they think we're weird.

- Right? - ( cheering )

I don't want to marry a goat.

I really don't.

I can't imagine marrying a goat.

I can't even imagine dating a goat.

Getting to the point that you're that serious

to make that kind of commitment.

Sure, you'd live together for a little while

to figure it out and see if you're compatible,

but I'm just picturing the apartment with you and the goat.

Just photographs all over the place.

You and the goat on the beach running, holding hands.

You and the goat with the four-for-one photo strip.

The...

Sunday morning you're trying to read the paper,

it's trying to eat it.

Don't you eat that section. I haven't read that yet.

Don't you eat-- don't you eat-- come here.

I love you, you goat.

Come here. You little goat.

( laughing )

I would think that would be a tough day

even for the most liberal parents the day you bring the goat home.

Just, "Mom, Dad",

this is Billy.

"We are in love."

I don't know. If you don't like something,

say you don't like it, say you disapprove of it,

say it's your opinion that you don't like it or it's wrong.

Everyone's got a right to their opinion.

I fully believe that. But when people bring God into it

and say God says this, God wants this,

God believes that, I don't know how you do that.

I don't know how you speak for someone else

because until you're sitting with someone and hear it for yourself

with your own ears out of someone else's mouth,

it's hard to speak for someone else.

That's what I believe.

( applause, cheering )

I have learned in this business

to not believe anything that I read or hear

until I sit down with that person and hear it for myself.

And that's one of the perks of this business.

You get to meet a lot of interesting people

and you get to have a lot of interesting conversations.

And I've been lucky enough-- I've met the president

and Oprah and Madonna and a lot of people

and so it was a matter of time before I would meet God.

And I have.

What a day that was.

I will tell you something, this was magical for me

because I was invited over to God's house one afternoon

for fondue and Chablis.

Normally I don't like Chablis, but it was nice.

It was dry with a peppery oak aftertaste.

I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyway, so...

I get up to God's house.

As I'm pulling up, Jennifer Love Hewitt was just leaving.

She's sweet. So anyway--

so I go in and I'm sitting in God's living room

and I'm waiting

and it's bright in there, let me tell you that.

Every lamp was on. Crazy, crazy bright in there.

So I'm sitting there and I'm waiting

and I started thinking, "I wonder what he's dressed like.

I wonder if he wears that robe all the time, you know?"

Because I feel like that about the Pope.

Like once in a while, don't you think he throws on

a pair of shorts and a tank?

Chilling out, you know?

And then I started thinking,

"I wonder if I'm dressed appropriately to meet God."

I don't know how you're supposed to dress.

And then I realized God's seen me naked, so...

I just took my clothes off. And, uh...

So anyway, so I'm looking around the living room

and in front of me there's a coffee table

with two magazines on it-- "Teen People" and "Guns & Ammo."

And a poster of a kitten on the wall

that said, "Hang in there, baby."

Pictures of Jesus everywhere.

I mean, you can't even believe how many pictures of Jesus there were.

Just a picture of Jesus on a pony with a cowboy hat.

A picture of Jesus on the beach with a T-shirt

that said, "My parents created the universe and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."

Anyway, I started getting nervous.

I'm like, "I'm gonna meet God in just a minute."

I don't even know how to greet God.

Do I shake hands or do I curtsy or bow?

I mean, do we hug? I feel close enough to God to hug God.

But I know a lot of people want to hug me because TV does that,

but I don't want to hug a lot of these people.

So I was just trying to be respectful.

So anyway, a couple minutes later God walks in the room

carrying the tray of fondue and Chablis.

I would say she was about 47, 48 years old.

( applause, cheering )

Just a beautiful, beautiful black woman.

( applause, cheering )

And we just immediately hugged.

And, oh, she smelled so good.

She said it was Calvin Klein's Obsession.

And we sat down and started drinking the Chablis

and talking about the weather

and what was going to happen to it.

And I was asking just different questions.

A bunch of questions I was just curious about.

I asked, like, what's the hardest thing about being God?

And she said, "Trusting people."

You never know if people really like you

or if it's just 'cause you're God.

And people always want something from you.

"They want money and then they want more money."

That's what they ask for a lot. Nobody ever thanks her anymore.

Only people who thank her are boxers and rappers.

Yeah. Yeah.

Rappers are singing songs like, "Slap the bitch up the ass."

I'd like to thank the Lord Almighty for this award.

Praise Jesus.

Nobody cares about the miracles anymore.

The miracles just go by unnoticed.

I said, "What was the last miracle?"

She cried. She was upset that I had to ask.

It's the toilet that flushes automatically.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yep. Before that, it was the George Foreman Grill

because the fat just drips right off.

And, uh-- yeah.

So anyway, I guess it was the Chablis or something,

but I loosened up enough to say--

I said, "God, I have to admit,

I really felt alone a lot.

I felt like you didn't exist.

I didn't believe in you for a time."

And she said, "Do you remember that day you were walking on the beach?"

I said, "Yeah."

She said, "I was there."

I said, "There was just one set of footprints, though."

She said, "I was on your back."

I thought I felt heavy that day.

I thought it was water retention.

She said, "Know that when you are bloated, I am there."

That comforts me. You know, I'm not gonna bore you with everything.

We talked about a lot of stuff.

I mean, she told me the meaning of life and stuff like that.

But anyway, I was leaving--

I was walking out the door and I turned around and I said,

"God, I have to say I'm sorry."

I am so sorry that we're killing all the animals.

I'm so sorry that we're chopping down all the trees.

I'm sorry that we're filled with hate instead of love.

I'm sorry that we call each other names and judge each other.

I'm sorry that we go to war and kill each other.

"I'm sorry."

And she was silent for a few seconds

and then she looked at me and she said,

"Have you seen Gloria Estefan's hair lately?"

♪ Come on, shake your body, baby, do that conga ♪

♪ I know you can't control yourself any longer ♪

♪ Come on, shake your body, baby, do that conga ♪

♪ I know you can't control yourself any longer ♪

♪ Come on, shake your body, baby, do that conga ♪

♪ I know you can't control yourself any longer ♪

♪ Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger ♪

♪ Don't you fight it till you tried it, do that conga beat. ♪

You're in my college textbook.

- I'm in your college textbook? - Yeah.

It says that you are a role model

instead of the people on "Melrose Place."

In your college textbook, I'm a role model?

- Yeah, I have it here. - ( cheering )

Wow.

Are you giving this to me?

You're just showing me? I trust you.

You don't have to, you know. Liar!

I come from France.

I saw you--

I saw you on French TV.

You speak in French.

- I did? - Yeah.

Was I muy bueno?

First of all, I want to say I saw you in the Staller Center.

- Do you remember that? - Wait.

You saw me where?

In the Staller Center in Stony Brook years ago when you first started.

I saw you. Oh, come on. I have your picture.

Oh, yeah, there you are.

- Yeah, how have you been? - Great.

Look at you.

How do you pronounce your name again?

- Arlene. Arlene. - Arlene, yeah, yeah.

You look fantastic. Have you lost a little weight or something?

I didn't even recognize you.

It's God. No, I'm kidding.

( cheering )

I just wanted to ask you, Ellen,

if you and Anne are thinking of having a commitment ceremony,

I'd like to be invited to that.

Oh, well, just jot down your name.

We'll definitely invite you.

Absolutely.

Yes, ma'am.

I am a rabbi and I will do your wedding--

yours and Anne's wedding for you.

- You'll do our wedding? - Yes.

All right, and she'll come.

Fantastic. It's all set.

Do we have a caterer in the audience?

Super.

We would like finger sandwiches, please.

Yes, sir, right there.

- Me? - Yep.

- Ma'am. - Ma'am, sorry. I'm sorry.

See...

No, the man behind you.

( cheering )

Oh, no.

Yes, ma'am.

My princess, talk to me.

( cheering, applause )

Oh, queen of mine.

Um, I actually just had a comment.

You are a role model to me

both before and especially after you came out.

( voice breaking ) Excuse me, I'm sorry.

And I just want to thank so much you

and your wife Anne for coming out

because it took so much strength and courage

and you give me so much hope and promise for my future

that I can be normal and fulfill my dreams.

And you're one of-- I'm one of the people that you've changed my life

by coming out and I'm living proof.

- So thank you. - ( cheering, applause )

Come here.

Thanks.

You people have been so amazing.

Go home and love yourselves and love each other.

Good night. Thank you so much for coming out.

I appreciate it.