All language subtitles for Austin Powers- International Man of Mystery

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to my underground lair.

I have gathered here before me

the world's deadliest assassins,

and yet...

each of you has failed to kill...

Austin Powers.

That makes me angry,

and when Dr. Evil gets angry,
Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset.

And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset...

People die!

Why must I be surrounded
by fricking idiots?

Mustafa,

Frau Farbissina,

I spared your lives because
I need you to help me rid the world

of Britain's top secret agent,

the only man who can stop me now.

We must kill Austin Powers!

Come on babies.

Work with me people, alright.

Show me love.

Great babies! Yeah!

Oh, behave.

It's Austin Powers!

It's Austin Powers!

Hello, Mrs. Kensington.

Hello, Austin.

Why don't you ever model for me,

Mrs. Kensington?

You know how Mr. Kensington
feels about that.

Oh, behave.

Yeah.

Yeah, baby!

Hello, Austin.

I am Basil exposition,

with British intelligence.

We have just received word that

Dr. Evil is planning a trap for you tonight

at the electric psychedelic
pussycat swinger's club

here in swinging London.

We will be there.

Yeah, have a look, baby!

There you go.
Come on baby, yeah.

Yeah.

Austin, it's a swinging shindig.

It's my happening baby,
and it freaks me out!

Yeah, man!

Can I get you a drink, Mr. Powers?

Sure!

Austin,

we have got to look for Dr. Evil.

Wait.

I have got an idea.

Austin! Why on earth did you hit
that woman?

Right. Let me show you baby.

That ain't no woman.

It's a man, man.

One of Dr. Evil's assassins.

Look out!
He has got a knife!

Good work, Mrs. Kensington.
It's alright.

Get up! Get up!

Right.

Where is Dr. Evil?

Where is he?

There is the bastard.

Come on. Let's go.

Coming through.

Excuse me.

I have got you now, Dr. Evil.

Not this time.

Come, Mr. Bigglesworth!

See you in the future, Mr. Powers.

My God!

He is freezing himself.

And so Dr. Evil escaped

and had himself cryogenically frozen,

to return at a time when free love
no longer reigned

and greed and corruption ruled again.

Yes?

Commander Gilmour?

Speaking.

Commander, this is ritter
in sou-west com 3.

We have a potential bogey
with erratic vectoring

and an unorthodox entry angle.

What are you saying, son?

Well, it appears to be
in the shape of a big boy.

Good God.

He is back.

Well in many ways,
the big boy never left sir.

He is always offered the same high
quality meals at competitive prices.

Shut up.

Shall I scramble tac hq for an intercept?

What's its current position?

I am presently tracking it over Nevada.

Oh, my God!

The big boy is gone.

Listen son...

I want you to forget
what you saw here today.

Phillips.

Call the president.
Sir.

Prepare the jet,

bring my overnight bag,

and...

Phillips,

feed my fish?

Not too much.

I am off to London, Eng-a-land.

Powers volunteered to have himself frozen
in case Dr. Evil should ever return.

Well, I hope your boy's up to it.

We don't wanna have to bail you
guys out again like after.

W.W.2

This is our celebrity vault.

Please.

So, who is this Austin Powers?

The ultimate gentleman spy.

Irresistible to women,

deadly to his enemies,

a legend in his own time.

Attention. Stage one:

Laser cutting begins.

Laser cutting complete.

Stage 2:

Warm liquid goo phase beginning.

Warm liquid goo phase complete.

Stage 3:

Reanimation beginning.

Reanimation complete.

Stage 4:

Cleansing beginning.

Cleansing complete.

Stage 5:

Evacuation beginning.

Evacuation comp...

Evacuation compl...

Com...

Com...

Evacuation com...

Wher...

Where am I?

You are in the ministry of defence.

It's 1997.

You have been cryogenically
frozen for 30 years.

Who are these people?

The shouting is a temporary side
effect of the unfreezing process.

Yes, I am having difficulty controlling
the volume of my voice!

This is Commander Gilmour,
U.S. strategic command,

and General Borschevsky,

Russian intelligence.

Russian intelligence?
Are you mad?

A lot has happened since you were frozen.

The Cold War is over.

Well,

finally those capitalist pigs
will pay for their crimes?

Hey comrades! Hey!

Austin.

We won.

Oh, groovy. Smashing.
Yay, capitalism.

Hello.

Hello!

Mr. Powers!

The president is quite concerned.

We have got a madman
on the loose in Nevada.

Dr. Evil.

When do I begin?

Immediately.

You will be working
with miss Kensington.

Mrs. Kensington!

Austin,

Mrs. Kensington has long since retired.

Miss Kensington is her daughter.

Here she is.

Vanessa is one of our, top agents.

My God, Vanessa has got a fabulous body.

And I bet she shags like a minx.

How do I tell them that because
of the unfreezing process,

I have no inner monologue?

I hope I didn't say that out loud just now.

Mr. Powers,

my job is to acclimatize you to the nineties.

You know, a lot has changed since 1967.

No doubt love,

but as long as people are
still having promiscuous sex

with many anonymous partners
without protection,

while at the same time experimenting
with mind-expanding drugs

in a consequence-free environment,

I will be sound as a pound.

Danger Powers personal effects.

Actually, my name is Austin Powers.

It says here name Danger Powers.

No, no, no, no, no.

Danger is my middle name.

Ok. Austin Danger Powers.

One blue crushed velvet suit...

Hey, alright.

One frilly lace cravat...

There it is.

One silver medallion with male symbol.

One pair of Italian boots.
Buongiorno boys.

One vinyl record album
Burt Bacharach plays his hits

Hey, Burt!

One Swedish-made...

Penis enlarger pump.

That's not mine.

One credit card receipt,

for Swedish-made penis enlarger,

signed by Austin Powers.

I am telling you baby, that's not mine.

One warranty card for
Swedish-made penis enlarger pump,

filled out by...

Austin Powers...

I don't even know what this is.

This sort of thing ain't my bag baby.

One book: Swedish-made
penis enlarger pumps and me.

This sort of thing is my bag baby.

By...

Austin Powers.

Just sign the form.

Ok, don't get heavy man, I will sign it,

just to get things moving, you know.

You are alright baby.

Listen Mr. Powers.

I.. I look forward to working with you but...

do me a favor and stop calling me baby.

You can address me as...

Agent Kensington.

Oh, come on.

Alright then...

Vanessa.

Was that so hard?

Now come along.
We have to leave immediately.

We preserved your private jet
just as you left it.

It's waiting at Heathrow airport.

My jumbo jet!

Smashing baby!

Sorry.

Mr. Powers?

Quickly.

Quickly. Come on lad. Let's go.

Gentlemen, welcome
to my underground lair.

It's been 30 years, but I am back.

Everything is gone perfectly to plan

except for one small flaw,

due to a technical error
by my henchman Mustafa,

complications arose
in the unfreezing process.

But my design was perfect.

Look what you did to Mr. Bigglesworth!

But Dr. Evil,

we were unable to anticipate

feline complications
to the reanimation process...

Silence!

Let this be a reminder to you all

that this organization
will not tolerate failure.

Gentlemen,

let's get down to business.

We have got a lot of work to do.

Someone help me!

I am still alive, only I am very...

badly burned.

Some of you I know,

some of you I am meeting for the first time.

Hello out there!

Anyone!

Could someone call an ambulance?

I am in quite...

A lot of pain.

Ok.

You have all been been gathered here
to form my Evil Cabinet.

Excuse me.

Yes. He is down there.

No, not dead...

Burned.

Badly.

Yes.

Right.

If somebody could open the retrieval
hatch down here, I could get out.

See, I designed this device myself,

Hi. Good.

I am glad you found me.
Listen...

I am very badly burned,

so if you could just...

You shot me!

Ok, moving along,

You shot me right in the arm!

Why did...

Right.

Let me go around the table
and introduce everyone.

Frau Farbissina.

Founder of the militant wing
of the salvation army.

Random Task.

Korean ex-wrestler,

Evil handyman extraordinaire.

Random Task,

show them what you do.

Patty O'brien.

Ex-Irish assassin.

His trademark, a superstitious man,

he leaves a tiny keepsake
from his good luck bracelet

on every victim he kills.

Scotland yard would love to get their hands

on that piece of evidence.

Yeah.

They are always after me lucky charms.

What?

Why is everyone always laugh
when I say that?

They are after me lucky charms!

What?

It's a television commercial,

with this cartoon leprechaun,

and all of these children
are trying to chase him,

Hey, leprechaun man!
Leprechaun man!

Won't you give your lucky charms?

Oh, and there is always these
little tiny bits of marshmallows

just stuck right in the cereal.

So that when the kids eat them, they think.

Oh, this is candy, I am having fun!

Finally, we come to my number-two man.

His name.

Number Two.

For 30 years, number Two
has run Virtucon,

the legitimate face, of my evil empire.

Dr. Evil,

over the last 30 years,

Virtucon has grown by leaps and bounds.

About 15 years ago,

we changed from volatile chemicals,

to the communications industry.

We own cable companies in 38 states.

We own a steel mill in Cleveland,

shipping in Texas,

oil refineries in Seattle,

and a factory in Chicago,

that makes miniature models...

of factories.

Naturally yes.

Gentlemen.

I have a plan.

It's called blackmail.

As you know, the royal family of Britain are
the wealthiest landowners in the world.

Either the royal family,

pays us an exorbitant amount of money,

or we make it seem that prince Charles,

has had an affair outside of marriage,

and therefore...

would have to divorce.

Prince Charles did have an affair,

he admitted it and they are now divorced.

Right. Ok people, you have
to tell me these things, alright?

I have been frozen for 30 years, ok?

Throw me a fricking bone here.

I am the boss.

Need the info.

Ok, no problem.

Here is my second plan.

Back in the sixties,

I developed a weather changing machine,

which was in essence a sophisticated
heat beam which we called a laser.

Using these...

lasers,

we punch a hole in the protective
layer around the world,

which we call the ozone layer.

Slowly, but surely,
ultraviolet rays would pour in,

increasing the risk of skin cancer.

That is unless...

The world pays us...

A hefty ransom.

That also...

already has happened.

Shit.

Oh hell, let's just do what we always do,

hijack some nuclear weapons
and hold the world hostage.

Good.

Gentlemen, it's come to my attention

that a break away Russian Republic,
Kreplachistan

is about to transfer a nuclear warhead

to the united nations in a few days.

Here is the plan.

We get the warhead,

and we hold the world ransom for...

1 million dollars!

Don't you think we should maybe ask

for more than a million dollars?

A million dollars isn't exactly
a lot of money these days.

Virtucon alone makes over
9 billion dollars a year.

Really?

That's a lot more.

Ok then.

We hold the world ransom for...

100 Billion dollars!

Pretty groovy jumbo jet?

When you see this jet a-rocking,

don't come a-knocking, baby! Yeah!

I am going to need you
to sign these release forms.

Release forms?

Yes. You are not officially working
for ministry of defence,

and these forms indemnify
the ministry against any...

mishaps that may occur in the line of duty.

Mishaps?

But isn't that what being an international
man of mystery is all about?

Ok. Name.

Austin...

Danger Powers.

Sex. Yes, please!

How does a hot chick like you end up

working in the ministry of defence?

Well, I went to Oxford,

where I...

excelled in several subjects,

but I ended up specializing
in foreign languages.

Now I really wanted to travel.

You know sort of...

see the world?
That's fascinating Vanessa.

Listen, why don't we go
in the back and shag?

What?

I have been frozen for 30 years.

I have got to see if my bits
and pieces are still working.

Excuse me?

My wedding tackle.

I am sorry.

My meat and 2 veg, my twig and berries.

Hello lads, you still awake lads?
Mr. Powers, Mr. Powers please.

I would appreciate it if you could...

concentrate on our mission...

and give your libido a rest.

Can I...

Can I show you something?

I won't bite...

Hard.

Alright.

Let me ask you a question,

and be honest.

Do I make you horny?

Randy?

Do I make you horny baby?
Yeah, do I?

I hope this is part of the unfreezing process.

Oh, turbulence! Oh, look at that!

Oh, turbulence!
Oh, I have gone over!

Oh, I fell over again!

Mr. Powers!

I will never have sex with you.

Ever!

If you were the last man on earth,

and I was the last woman on earth,

and the future of the human race
depended on our having sex,

simply for procreation,

I still would not have sex with you.

What's your point Vanessa?

Remember when we froze your semen?

You said if it didn't look
like you were coming back,

we should try to make you a son,

so that a part of you could live forever.

Oh, sure.

Well after a couple of years, we...

got a little impatient.

Dr. Evil,

I want you to meet your son.

My son?

Ja.

Scott!

Hello Scott.

Hi.

I am your father.

Dr. Evil.

I have not seen you my whole life,

and now you come back
and just expect a relationship?

I hate you.

What?

Could I have a hug?

No.

Give me a hug.
No way.

Come here.
I am not coming over there.

Let's go.
Forget it.

Pronto.

What are you doing?

I am with it.

I am hip.

Don't look at me like
I am fricking Frankenstein.

Give your father a hug.

You are...
Hey, don't touch me!

Hug.

Hug.
Get away from me,

you lazy-eyed psycho!

Viva Las Vegas, baby!

Yeah!

Welcome to Las Vegas sir.

So...

Which side of the bed do you want?

You are sleeping on the sofa Mr. Powers.

In fact,

I would like to take this opportunity
to remind you,

that the only reason we are sharing a room

is to keep up the context that
we are a married couple on vacation.

Right.

Should we shag now,
or shall we shag later?

How do you like to do it?

Do you like to wash up first.

You know, top and tails,

whore's bath?

Personally, before I am on the job,

I like to give my undercarriage
a bit of a how is-your-father.

I am just joking Vanessa.

I am just trying to get
a rise out of you, that's all.

For shits and giggles.

Let's unpack.

Gor blimey.

Nude alert!

How did this get in here?

Somebody is playing a prank on me.

Honestly, it's not mine.

Hey, Americans, yeah!

Enjoy that wine.

Hey, there you are.

Hi.
Do I know you?

No, but that's where you are.
You are there.

Hey, viva Las Vegas baby.

Hey.

Ok, how are you.
Austin.

Yes.
Austin,

there is a company
in Las Vegas called Virtucon,

which we think may be linked to Dr. Evil.

Plenty of the Virtucon executives
are gambling in this casino.

Smashing.
Let's go.

Look. There is one over there.

Changing 1,000.

Hello.

Excuse me.

Do you mind if I join you?

Not at all.

The game is Blackjack gentlemen.

10,000 dollars minimum bet.

King for you sir and a 3 for you.

17.

Hit me.

You have 17 sir.

I like to live dangerously.

4.

21.

5.

I will stay.

I suggest you hit sir.

I also like to live dangerously.

As you wish sir.

20 beats your 5.

I am sorry sir.

Well, I won't lie to you.

Cards are not my bag baby.

Allow myself to introduce...

Myself.

My name is Richie Cunningham,

and this is my wife Oprah.

My name is Number Two.

This is my Italian confidential secretary.

Her name is Alotta.

Alotta Fagina.

Come again?

Alotta Fagina.

I am sorry.
I am just not getting it.

It sounded like you said
your name was a lot of...

Never mind.

What exactly do you do Mr. Number Two?

That's my business.

Now if you will excuse me,

I have to go to the little boys room.

You keep your eye on the Italian bird.

We will rendezvous back at the hotel suite.

You didn't happen to see...

Anything at all.

Sorry.

Howdy.

That is one crazy get up
you got there fella.

Oh thank you.

Are you in the show?

No. Actually I am English.

I am sorry.

Right.

Hey partner?

Have a good one.

Ok.

Hey partner, come on you got to relax.
Don't force it.

Gonna blow out your o-ring, drop a log.

Who does Number Two work for?

Who does Number Two work for?

That's right buddy.
You show that turd who is boss.

Hey. Hey, just grab a hold of something,

bite your lip and give it hell.

Come on.

We are gonna get through this.

Hey, that sounds pretty nasty.

How about a courtesy flush over there?

Jesus Christ boy.

What did you eat?

Gentlemen,

the warhead is ours.

Patch me through to the united
nations security secret meeting room.

Gentlemen my name is Dr. Evil.

In a little while you will notice that the
kreplachistani warhead has gone missing.

If you want it back,

you are going to have to pay me...

1 million dollars!

Sorry.

100 billion dollars.

Gentlemen silence.

Now,

Mr. Evil,

Dr. Evil.

I didn't spend 6 years in evil medical school

to be called mister, thank you very much.

It is the policy of the united nations,

not to negotiate with terrorists.

Really?

So long.

Gentlemen,

in exactly 5 days,

we will be 100 billion dollars richer.

Hello mummy?

Oh, hello Vanessa.

And how is Austin?

He is asleep.

You didn't?

No!

I made him sleep on the sofa.

Vanessa,

I am proud of you.

Why?

Because,

you have managed
to resist Austin Powers' charms.

Oh well, God knows he tried mummy.

I actually had to end up
being rather firm with him.

What about his teeth?

It's really bizarre.

Darling, you have to understand,

in Britain in the sixties,

you could be a sex symbol
and still have bad teeth.

It didn't matter.

Did you ever?

Me?

No, of course not.

I was married to your father.

Did you ever want to?

Austin is...

very charming,

very debonair.

He is handsome, witty,

has a knowledge of fine wines.

Women want him,

and men want to be him.

Every bit an international man of mystery.

Yeah well, you didn't answer my question mummy.

I know.

Let me just say this,

Austin was the most loyal and...

Caring friend I ever had.

I will always love him.

Do you want to speak to him?

No. It's been too long.

Ok, well I am going to have to go mummy,
but I love you.

Ciao darling.

A limo is just pulled up.

Let me see.

That's Dr. Evil's cat.

How can you tell?

I never forget a pussy...

Cat.

Oh no.
He is gone away.

My God Vanessa,

you are so incredibly beautiful.

That's it.
Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Come on darling,

I am gonna take you out
for a night on the town.

Ladies and gentlemen Mr. Burt Bacharach.

Oh yeah.
Oh go on Austin, get on with it.

I am gonna do it.
I am gonna do it.

Oh, go on.

Do it a bit.
Yes!

Right hand green!

Oh, no, no...

You alright?

You alright?
Oh, you know what?

Wait a tick.
I forgot something in the lobby.

Why don't I take the stairs?

Why take the stairs when I could take...

the escalator?

Why take the escalator when
I have got a perfectly good canoe?

I know what.

I will take the elevator.

Austin!

Yes?

Come have some champagne with me.

Ok.

Oh, I tripped.

You know, I have not had
this much fun since college.

Well I am sorry.

Why?

I am sorry that bug up your ass had to die.

Always wanting to have fun Austin.
That's you in a nutshell.

No. This is me in a nutshell.

Help!
I am in a nutshell!

How did I get into this nutshell?

Look at the size of this bloody great big nutsh,

what sort of shell has a nut like this?

This is crazy.

Yes.
Look at you.

No.

You are smashed.
No, I am not.

Yes, you are.

No, I am not.
I am the sensible one.

I am always the designated driver.

Oh, kiss me.
I can't darling.

Why not?

Because you are drunk.
It's not right.

No, I am not drunk.
I am just beginning to see

what my mummy was talking
about all those years ago.

I can't.

Alright well,

tell me all about my mummy in the sixties.

I am dying to know what she was like.

She was very groovy.

Your dad loved her very much.

If there was one other cat in this world

that could have loved her
and treated her as well as your dad,

well it was me.

But unfortunately.

For yours truly.

That train has sailed.

Vanessa?

Vanessa hello?

Come on, roll over.

Sleepy time.

Ok, Austin needs his hand back.

You have got mail!

Hello Austin.

This is Basil exposition,

from British intelligence.

Now,

I want you to find out

what part Virtucon plays in
something called...

project Vulcan.

I will need you to go to Alotta
Fagina's penthouse immediately.

Hello, hello.

Yes, yes, ok, great.

Project Vulcan.

Yeah, ok.

Yeah. Yeah.

Come on baby, give it to me.

Yes, yes, yes,

No! No!

You seem surprised to see me miss Fagina.

What do you want Mr...

Cunningham was it?

Your boss...

Number Two,

I understand that cat is involved
in big underground drills.

How did you know?

I didn't baby.

You just told me.

We can talk about business later.

Let me slip into something more comfortable.

Oh behave.

Good God.

Come in...

And I will show you everything
you need to know.

May I wash you?

Oh, groovy baby.

Yes...

That feels yummy.

In Japan,

men come first and women come second.

Or sometimes not at all.

Care for some sake?

Sake it to me baby.

Yes.

Kinky.

Klinky.

How do you feel Mr. Cunningham?

I feel extreme relaxation.

How dare you break wind before me?

I am sorry baby.
I didn't know it was your turn.

Pardon me for being rude.

It was not me. It was my food.

It just popped up to say hello,

and now it's gone back down below.

That's beautiful.

Thank you.

Let's make love,

you silly,

hairy little man.

I say hello vicar.

That's. That's the spot alright.

That's the spot right there.
Look at that now. Good God.

Austin Powers is getting too close.

Any suggestions?

Jawohl Herr doctor.

I have created the ultimate
weapon to defeat Austin Powers.

Bring in the fembots!

These boots are made for walking plays

Go fembots!

These are the latest word in
android replicant technology.

Lethal,

efficient,

brutal.

No man can resist their charm.

Send in the guards!

Kill these women.

Quite impressive.

Thank you, Herr doctor.

I like to see girls of that...

caliber.

By caliber of course I mean...

both the size of their gun barrels

and the high quality of their character.

It's 2 meanings.
Caliber...

it's a homonym.

Forget it.

At ease boys.

Austin, I want to show you something.

We are going to outfit you with this.

It looks like a watch,

but in fact,

it's a geosynchronous positioning device.

Very shagadelic.

And then there is this.

Ok, let me guess.

The floss is garrote wire,

the toothpaste is plastic explosives,

and the toothbrush is the detonation device.

No actually.

Well, since you have been frozen,

there have been fabulous advances
in the field of dentistry.

What do you mean?

Nothing.

Oh look here is Basil.

Hello Exposition.
Austin.

Let me bring you up to speed.

Dr. Evil has hijacked a nuclear
warhead from Kreplachistan.

Only 2 things scare me,

and one is nuclear war.

What's the other?

Excuse me?

What's the other thing that scares you?

Carnies.

What?

Circus folk.

Nomads you know.

Smell like cabbage.

Small hands.

Indeed.

Perhaps these photographs are
the last piece of the puzzle.

I have uncovered the details
of project Vulcan.

Oh, good God.

An underground missile?

Austin, where did you find these?

Austin did some reconnaissance
work last night

at Alotta Fagina's penthouse.

Our next move is to...

infiltrate Virtucon.

Any ideas?

Oh yes.

Virtucon runs a tour of its facility every hour.

I thought perhaps we could
disguise ourselves as tourists

and do some on site reconnaissance.

Top drawer Kensington.

Oh Austin, I would like you to meet somebody.

This is my mother,

Mrs. Exposition.

How do you do?

Austin!

My God man, what have you done?

That's not your mother.
It's a man baby!

Get off! Get off!

Come on!
Why won't this wig come off!

Oh my god!

Austin!
Yeah, hold on. Hold on.

One second.
No, no. Let go of my mother!

Oh mother.

Mother are you alright?

Austin have you gone mad?
No.

You have a lot of explaining to do.

I am sorry Basil.
I thought she was a man.

Damn it man, you are talking
about my mother!

Well, you have to admit,
she is rather mannish.

Austin!

Well, no offense but...

if that is a woman, it does look like
she was beaten with an ugly stick.

What?

Really Austin.

Ok, give in to the beauty of your feelings

and say the words.

Come on.

I love you dad.

I love you too son.

Ok group, we have...

some
newcomers here today with us.

Say hello to Scott

and his father Mr...

Avil?

Evil,

actually.

Doctor...

Evil.

Hello Dr. Evil.

Hello Scott.

Hello everybody.

So Scott why don't we start with you?

What brings you here with us today?

Well, I just really met my dad
for the first time 5 days ago.

I was partially frozen his whole life.

That is beautiful,

that you can admit to that.

He comes back and-and now he wants
me to take over the family business.

But, Scott, who is going to take over
the world when I die?

Listen to the words he used,

who is going to take over
the world when I die?

It feels like that to some
of us sometimes, doesn't it?

So...

what do you want to do Scott?

I don't know, I was thinking I like...

animals.

Maybe I would be a vet.

An evil vet?

No.

Maybe like work in a petting zoo.

An evil petting zoo?

You always do that!

I just think like he hates me.

I really think he wants to kill me.

Now Scott,

we don't want to kill each other in here.

We might say that we do sometimes,

but we really don't.

Actually the boy is quite astute.

I really am trying to kill him,

but so far, unsuccessfully.

He is quite wily like his old man.

This is what I am talking about.

Ok, well...

we have heard from you Scott now...

you tell us something about yourself.

The details of my life
are quite inconsequential.

Oh no, please, please, let's...

Let's hear about your childhood.

Yeah.
Come on.

Very well.

Where do I begin?

My father was a relentlessly self-improving

boulangerie owner from Belgium

with low-grade narcolepsy
and a penchant for buggery.

My mother was a 15-year-old
French prostitute,

named Chloe with webbed feet.

My father would womanize,
he would drink.

He would make outrageous claims

like he invented the question mark.

Sometimes he would accuse
chestnuts of being lazy,

the sort of...

general malaise that only
the genius possess and the insane lament.

My childhood was typical.

Summers in Rangoon,

luge lessons.

In the spring, we'd make meat helmets.

When I was insolent,

I was placed in a burlap bag
and beaten with reeds.

Pretty standard, really.

At the age of 12, I received my first scribe.

At the age of 14,
a Zoroastrian named Vilma,

ritualistically shaved my testicles.

There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum.

It's breathtaking.
I suggest you try it.

You know, we have to stop.

Austin, can I have a word with you?

Of course you may love.

Look, I know I am being neurotic but...

I can't shake off this suspicious
feeling about that Italian secretary.

You know miss Fagina.

I-I don't want to sound paranoid but...

I have had some bad
relationships in the past and...

I have been known to be jealous.

I am sorry.

No. Don't be sorry baby.

You are right to be suspicious.

I shagged her.

What?

I shagged her rotten baby, yeah!

I don't believe you Austin.

I think she was repellent.

Saucer of milk, table 2.

But did you use protection?

Of course.

I had my 9mm automatic.

You know I meant did you
use a condom?

Only sailors use condoms baby.

Not in the nineties Austin.

Well, they should those filthy beggars.
They go from port to port.

Vanessa, don't have a thrombo.

Alotta meant nothing to me.

Well, it means something to me.

Austin, if you want us to have a relationship,

you have to get it into your
head that times have changed.

You can't just go off
shagging anybody anymore.

And if you could, I would not
because I am not like that.

Vanessa.

You are everything to me.

You just don't get it, do you?

Good night Austin.

Welcome to the nineties.

You are going to be very lonely.

Hey. Check this guy out.

Peace. Peace.

Jimi Hendrix.

Deceased.

Drugs.

Janis Joplin.

Deceased.

Alcohol.

Mama Cass.

Deceased.

Ham sandwich.

Oh gee, that's great.

Is the lighting halfway decent?

Yes, indeed.
They got the flag up now.

You can see the stars and stripes.

Beautiful.
Just beautiful.

Good morning Austin.

You know, I sometimes forget
you have missed out on the last 30 years.

Fall of the Berlin wall,

the first female British prime minister,

end of apartheid.

Yeah and I can't believe
Liberace he was gay.

I mean, women loved him.

I didn't see that one coming, no.

The tour is about to begin,

so if you will please take your seats.

Welcome to Virtucon,

company of the future.

Virtucon is a leading manufacturer

of many items you can find right
in your very own home.

Do you think she's prettier than me?

Who?

You know who.

Oh, the Italian bird.

No baby. She is rancid.

I think you are shagadelic baby.

You are switched on.
You are smashing.

We make steel, petroleum products,

and volatile chemicals.

But don't worry about the Italian bird, ok?

She is the village bicycle.

Everyone is had a ride.

On your right,

you will notice a door
leading to a restricted area.

Only authorized personnel are allowed...

I will take him.

You take her.

Ok.

Alright.

Let's go.

It's Bolton.

We have got a problem.

Intruders in the complex.
Intruders in the complex.

Watch out.

Halt. This way.

Judo chop!

They are coming!

Hang on.
I am going to floor it.

Watch out.
Move!

Move! Move!

Careful Austin.

No!

Watch out!

Watch out!

Watch out!

Let's go.
Come on, let's go.

Thank goodness we made it Austin.

Alright.
Stay very cool baby.

Ok.

Mr. Powers.

Welcome to my underground lair.

You are just in time.

Enjoy the show.

Gentlemen, I give you the Vulcan.

The world's most powerful
subterranean drill.

Does that make you horny?

Not now Austin.

So powerful it can penetrate
the earth's crust,

delivering a 50-kiloton nuclear warhead

deep into the liquid hot core
of the planet.

Upon detonation every volcano,

on earth...

will erupt.

It seems we have no choice,

but to pay your ransom.

You have my instructions.
Bye-bye.

Check it out, butt-head.

This chick has 3 boobs.

How many butts does she have?

Do you like your quasi-futuristic
clothes, Mr. Powers?

I designed them myself.

Scott!

Scott my boy, how are you?

How was your day?

Well, my friend sweet Jay

took me to that video arcade in town, right?

And they don't speak English there,

so Jay got into a fight and he is all,

hey, quit hassling me because
I don't speak French or whatever.

And then the guy says something
in Paris talk and I am like...

just back off and they are all,
get out.

And we are like, make me.

It was cool.

Fascinating.

What are your plans for this evening?

I thought I would stay in.

There is a good tittie movie on skinimax.

And that's how you would like
to live your life, is it?

Yeah.

Pretty much, right.
What?

Scott,

I want you to meet daddy's Nemesis,

Austin Powers.

Are you feeding him?

Why don't you just kill him?

No Scott.
I have an even better idea.

I am going to place him in
an easily escapable situation

involving an overly elaborate
and exotic death.

Why don't you just shoot him now?

I mean, I will go get a gun.
We will shoot him together.

It will be fun.
Bang!

Dead. Done.

One more peep out of you
and you are grounded mister,

and I am not joking.

Alright.
Let's begin.

Dr. Evil,

do you really expect them to pay?

No Mr. Powers.

I expect them to die.

Even after they pay me the money,

I am still going to melt every city
on the planet with liquid hot magma.

Release the sharks!

Mr. Powers,

you will notice that all the sharks

have laser beams attached to their heads.

I figure every creature
deserves a warm meal.

Dr. Evil,

it's about the sharks.

When you were frozen,

they were put on
the endangered species list.

We tried to get some,

but it would have taken months
to clear up the red tape.

You know, I have one simple request,

and that is to have sharks with...

fricking laser beams
attached to their heads.

Now, evidently my cycloptic colleague
informs me that that can't be done.

Can you remind me what
I pay you people for?

Honestly, throw me a bone here.

What do we have?

Sea bass.

Right.

They are mutated Sea bass.

Really?

Are they ill-tempered?

Absolutely.

That's a start, you know.
Just a start.

Alright guard, begin the unnecessarily
slow-moving dipping mechanism.

Close the tank!

Aren't you even going to watch them?

They could get away.

No, no, no.
I am going to leave them alone,

and not actually witness them dying.

I am just going to assume
it all went to plan, what?

I have a gun in my room.

You give me 5 seconds, I will get it.

I will come back down here.

Boom!
I will blow their brains out.

Scott.

You just...

don't get it, do you?

You don't.

It's no hassle.

But...

All...

All I am say in...

They are gonna get...

I...

I am...

w...

would...

Knock knock.

Who is there?

Look...

Let me tell you a little story
about a man named...

Even before you start,

that was a preemptive sssh.

Just know that I have a whole bag of...

With your name on it.

What's your plan?

First, I plan to soil myself.

Then I am going to regroup
and come up with a new plan.

Any thoughts?

Wait a minute.

I always have this with me, just in case.

Ok. I get it.

I have bad teeth.

No Austin.

The floss is to swing ourselves
onto the ledge.

Alright.
Hold on.

Got it. Ok.

Toothpaste.

Hello.

Judo chop!

Hang on!

Judo trip.

No!

Not a good time to lose one is head.

Indeed.

That's not the way to get ahead in life.

No.

It's a shame he was not more headstrong.

He will never be the head
of a major corporation.

Ok, that will do.
Ok.

Oh, no! What are we gonna do?

Oh, look. There is an emergency exit.

Go get help. I am gonna stay here
and keep an eye on Dr. Evil.

Ok.
I will hurry back.

Listen Vanessa.

Whatever happens,

I want you to know that I feel
really bad about that Italian bird.

What I am trying to say is...

That if you want me
to be a one-woman man,

well, that's just groovy baby.

Behave.

Come everyone.

Let us repair to the main chamber.

Project Vulcan is about to begin.

Scott,

don't you want to see what
daddy does for a living?

Blow me.

Excuse me?

Show me.

Ok.

Position the Vulcan.

Bring in the warhead.

Hello, hello.

Hello, Mr. Powers.

Hello, Mr. Powers.
Hello, Mr. Powers.

Care to have a little fun?

Care to have a little fun?

No actually I...

I have to save the world.

Is it cold in here?

Arm the probe.

No!

No.

No, I have got to get Dr. Evil.

I have got to get Dr. Evil.

No, no, no. I w...

Baseball

Cold showers.

Baseball. Cold showers.
Give it up Mr. Powers.

Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day.

Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day.

Right up positions.
Gentlemen.

Let's lock and load.

Right, lads.

Hurry up! hup! hup!
Move, move, move!

Don't go.

Stay with us.
Don't go.

Don't go. Please don't go.

You can't resist us, Mr. Powers.

You can't resist us, Mr. Powers.

Au contraire baby.

I think you can't resist me.

Austin?

Vanessa!

It's not what it seems.

At ease, boys.

Likewise.

Vanessa, I can explain.

She. What happened was...

I broke in trying to get to Dr. Evil.

Then all of a sudden, the fembots came by,

and smoke started to come
out of their jumblies.

So I thought I would work my mojo right?

To counter their mojo.

We got cross-mojonations,
and their heads started exploding.

But you know that thing,

and I ended up in my knickers
here and then...

Ok Austin, I believe you.

Now get dressed.

Smashing baby.

Onward boys.

Launching the subterranean probe.

Begin initial surface penetration.

Subterranean nuclear detonation
in 3 minutes and counting.

Watch out!

Right front!

Subterranean nuclear detonation
in 3 minutes and counting.

Oh, I tripped!

Open the fricking door!

Probe destruction beginning in...

Judo.

Judo.

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

No!

Abort.

Abort.

Abort.

Abort.

Now to Dr. Evil.

Din-din.

♪ I want chicken. ♪

♪ I want liver. ♪

♪ Miam mix miam mix please deliver. ♪

I have got you now Dr. Evil.

Well done Mr. Powers.

We are not so different, you and I.

However,

isn't it ironic that the very things
that you stand for,

free love,

swinging,

parties,

are all now in the nineties,

considered to be...

Evil?

No man, what we swingers

were rebelling against
is uptight squares like you,

whose bag was...

money and world domination.

We were innocent man.

If we had known the consequences

of our sexual liberation,

we would have done things differently but,

the spirit would have remained the same.

It's freedom baby.
Yeah.

Face it.

Freedom failed.

No man, freedom didn't fail.

Right now we have got freedom,

and responsibility.

It's a very groovy time.

There is nothing more pathetic
than an aging hipster.

Alright baldy.

Shut your cakehole.

Come on. Let's go.
On your bike.

Not so fast.

It seems the tables have turned,

Mr. Powers.

Go ahead Austin.

Don't worry about me.

Hey, I can take my Sega, right dad?

It seems the tables have
turned again, Dr. Devil.

Not really.
Kill the little bastard.

See what I care.

But dad, we just had
a breakthrough in group.

I had the group liquidated, you little shit.

They were insolent.

I hate you!
I hate you!

I wish I was never artificially
created in a lab.

Scott, that hurts daddy
when you say that, honestly.

Number Two.

Your timing is impeccable.

Go ahead.
Take Mr. Powers away.

No.

What?

Dr. Evil,

I have spent 30 years of my life

turning this two-bit evil empire,

into a world-class multinational.

I was going to have
a cover story in Forbes.

But you,

like an idiot,
wanted to take over the world.

And you don't realize
there is no world anymore.

It's only corporations.

Silence, Number Two!

No!

I have had enough of you pushing me around.

Mr. Powers...

I have a business proposition
you might find very interesting.

Alright. I have had enough.

Judo chop!

The complex will self-destruct.

Let's split!
Let's go!

This place is gonna blow!

The complex will self-destruct.

Come on.
Let's go.

The complex will self-destruct.

This way, Austin.

Come on baby!
It's gonna blow!

Let's go.
Move it!

Alley-oop!

I love you, Mr. Powers.

And I love you,

Mrs. Powers.

Oh, that will be Basil Exposition.

Oh, ignore it Austin.
Come back to bed.

Duty calls baby.

Hello Austin.

Oh, I...

I hope I am not interrupting
your honeymoon.

No, not at all, Basil.

Did you get that
fruit basket I sent you?

Yes, we did Basil,
but you sent too much.

I am gonna have to send
some to my mother.

Don't forget these.

Oh, thanks.

There you go.

Did you get my other gift?

We did.

Yes, Basil, nice rack.

But who in the world
gave us this drawing?

It's bizarre.

Well, as you know, Dr. Evil
has escaped in his rocket,

which has disappeared
from our tracking system.

Oh, dear, hold on.

Coffee?
Oh, yes, please.

Ok. Thank you.

Oh and Vanessa by the way,

you have been made a full agent.

Oh, that's fantastic Basil!
Thanks.

Milk?

Yes, please.

And Austin,

her majesty the queen
informs me that you...

are to be knighted.

Very shagadelic!

Well, the best of luck to both of you!

Thanks Basil.

Good-bye.

You know Vanessa,

I will never forget the first time I saw you.

You were so incredibly beautiful.

So incredibly sexy.

I knew I had to have you.

Right then and there.

Did you feel the same way?

Actually, I could not stop
staring at your teeth.

I ordered some champagne.

Come in!

Oh lovely Austin.

Right over there is fine.
Thank you.

Let's go out on the terrace.
It's a beautiful night.

We can look at the stars.

Smashing idea baby, yeah.

Look at you.

Look out!

That really hurt!

I am going to have
a lump there, you idiot.

Who throws a shoe?

Honestly.

You fight like a woman.

Austin.

Honestly, it's not mine.

No, use it.

Look how beautiful the night sky is.

Hey, isn't that the big dipper?

Yeah and that looks just like Uranus.

Austin.

Well, you know.

Hey, I have never seen that big star before.

Yeah. What is that?

Good God.

I am gonna get you Austin Powers.

It's fricking freezing in here Mr. Bigglesworth.

By LESAIGNEUR
Sync & corrections September 2022

Darling, you look fabulous.

Ok baby.

Alright.
There we go.

Look at that face.
Show me. Come on.

There.
Bit of hair, bit of hair.

Smashing.

Ok.

It's coming around now.
Coming around. Yes.

Yes. Great.

Yes. Yes.

Yes.
No! No!

No, it's not working!

Go change.
There you go.

Can you change her?
Is that ok? Is that alright?

Very good.

Very good.

And right here.

Right here.
Looking right there.

I am not even looking.

Oh, you are wicked!

You got your mojo
working overtime darling.

Yeah.

Look. I am not even shooting it.
It's insane.

Smashing.

Come on.
Can I get a smile?

Ok, come on.

Come on you boys.
Get together. Come on.

Ok, good. Loving it.

Let's make a Vanessa sandwich.

The winged horn, the winged horn.

Come on, Austin.
Give it to me. Go. Go.

Oh, behave.

Ok, you are an animal!

An animal!

Yes.

Yes! That's it. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Just the top of the hair.
That's all I want.

Born and shoot.

Again. Try it one more time.

And born and shoot.

That's it.

Let's go.
Come on. Come on.

Come on!

Ignore this.
Ignore this.

Ignore me doing this.

Fabulous darling.

Go! Go! Go!

Lord. Lord.

Ok. Show me the eye.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. No!

No! No!

Never get up.
Oh spit!

We will take you...

And we will go out on the town

and swing baby. Yeah.

By LESAIGNEUR
Sync & corrections September 2022