Original subtitles

my name is and i grew up under

terrible conditions because my mom was

mentally ill she often made me steal

stuff from shops because no one

suspected a little girl like me to be a

thief of course i was scared of being

caught but my mom gave me no choice

however one night she drunk too much and

fell down the stairs suddenly she

couldn't walk anymore and i had to take

care of her even though i was only 11.

we quickly ran out of food and i said

mommy the fridge is empty and i'm hungry

she responded stop complaining instead

go catch some cockroaches so he can eat

them was she serious i was petrified of

those disgusting little insects but i

still trapped one of them and showed it

to my mom she told me to cook it but we

only had a toaster so i killed it and

put it in there after i'd given it to my

mom to eat i caught many more roaches

and even ate my very first small baby

cockroach it tasted okay so i started to

catch hundreds of them and became the

provider of my family but then the

toaster broke and we had to eat them raw

of course they were extremely dirty so

we often got sick but at least we had a

full stomach i continued living like

this for weeks until people from the

government came into our apartment and

took me away from my mom even though i

screamed and wanted to stay with her i

was brought into a children's home where

people explained to me that my mom was

mentally ill but no one wanted to tell

me where she was or who was taking care

of her i felt abandoned and scared but

there was one thing that made me feel

safe and that was eating roaches so

whenever i saw one i picked it up and

put it into a toaster and ate it the

taste gave me a feeling of comfort

because it reminded me of my mom i

started eating so many of them that i

got salmonella infection and had to go

to the hospital when i told the doctor

that i was addicted to eating

cockroaches he brought me to a

psychologist who told me that there was

nothing wrong about eating roaches as

long as they were clean he convinced me

to start farming roaches and that turned

out to be much easier than i had thought

all i needed was a box of roaches and

some fruits to feed them after a few

months i had more than a thousand of

them but i made a big mistake and let

them roam around my room freely because

one baby roach crawled through my nose

and into my brain while i was asleep i

didn't know what was going on only that

my nose hurt i kept it untreated for

several days until i visited a doctor

who saw something moving way up my nose

it took several hours to pull the

cockroach out but from then i always

kept them locked in my box but i had

bigger problems i had no friends or

family and i was feeling extremely

lonely that's why i started binge eating

cockroaches i probably gained 10

kilograms in 3 months and i knew i had

to change my life or my roach addiction

would kill me i still remember my last

roach it was a small baby one maybe one

centimeters big i ate it raw and alive

then i brushed my teeth and said never

again afterward i thought i needed an

education to get ahead in life so i

taught myself writing and reading by

spending most of my days at the library

six months later i enrolled myself in

university there i moved into a dorm but

the other girls didn't like me they said

i smelled bad and lived like a pig i

guess they were right my mother had

never taught me to clean up anything and

now i had to learn to shower daily and

wash my hands when i got home but

because no one liked me i had lots of

time to study and it reflected through

my grades one rainy afternoon while at

the library i bumped into a guy he was

dressed in all black and apologized i

could tell he was different just like me

i asked what are you studying here and

he responded i'm studying philosophy we

sat down at a cafe and talked for hours

he was just like me he said his family

had raised him on a farm but mostly

neglected him he said they didn't speak

a single word with him from age 11 to

16. his only friends were books until he

ran away and found a job as a

construction worker but his love for

reading brought him to a university just

like it did for me i had a weird feeling

when i looked at him i can't describe it

but it felt good and one week later we

had our first date we were lying next to

each other on the grass when he laid his

hand on my belly of course i was nervous

i had never had a guy touch me i didn't

know what to do but then he just kissed

me it was the most intense feeling i've

ever had and i got so aroused that i bit

into his lip he said ouch and went back

on his back i apologized and saw that he

was bleeding gosh what had i done i was

so stupid i said i'm so sorry i've never

kissed a guy before

it's okay don't worry i just didn't know

you like it that way

what do you mean by that way

you like it rough that's okay

no i don't think so he went back on top

of me and gently choked me

do you like this i couldn't speak so i

just nodded i loved the way he played

with me it was the first time i felt

truly attracted to a guy afterward we

became a couple and spent all our time

together i loved sitting next to him in

the library so i could watch him read

books he always looked so handsome but

one day he was just gone he didn't

respond to my text and his dorm mate

said he had disappeared without saying

anything of course i was worried maybe

something had happened to him so i

called up all the hospitals but he

wasn't there maybe he had left because

of me maybe he didn't love me anymore i

suddenly remembered my mom for years i

had avoided thinking about her but now

it all came back especially the guilt

that i had not taken care of her i

stayed inside my bed for days crying my

heart out until i decided i had to find

her maybe she was still alive so i went

to the police and asked them to find out

where they had brought my mom 10 years

ago it took them two weeks to figure out

but the news wasn't good my mom had died

shortly after we were separated i can't

describe how hard the news hit me i was

absolutely devastated i knew i was close

to giving up and asked myself is my life

worth living the answer was no it's not

but i knew it could become worth living

if i got a nice job found a husband and

had kids someday yes that would be a

life worth living and that's what i'm

working towards right now

one morning when i went to check my

facebook feed i realized all my male

friends were missing from my friends

list including my cousins my uncles and

even my dad

i'd given my boyfriend frank my facebook

login so he could upload some photos for

me but i didn't think he would mess with

my account

when i asked him if he knew about it he

said oh you notice they are gone so you

are paying attention to other men i knew

it what the hell

franca deleted all my male friends

looking back i should have left him then

but i figured it was just a stupid joke

however his behavior only got worse i

was working at a marketing agency and i

would take breaks with my co-workers to

vape outside we talk about our various

projects and make important decisions

during those breaks

well one day i got home from work and

frank confronted me saying i saw you

hanging out with other guys at work

today

wow

he had stalked me in my workplace

watching me when he should have been

doing his own job

things were getting creepy i told him he

didn't need to be jealous because i

wasn't interested in any of my

colleagues like that but he got really

angry and punched the wall

i was afraid he would hit me next so i

told him i wouldn't do it anymore

big mistake

after that he wanted more and more

control over me like he wouldn't let me

wear certain clothes like shorts or

tight shirts and then he stopped me from

talking to any of my male friends

including steve

who is gay

every day i got back from work he would

ask to go through my phone at first i

wouldn't let him i mean

everyone deserves some privacy right and

there were text conversations with my

friends where we talked about things i

didn't want frank to know about

but if i didn't do what he wanted he'd

scream at me for hours and start

trashing our apartment it was so

emotionally draining

eventually i gave in and let him check

my phone but i started deleting my text

conversations before i came home so he

couldn't see anything

it was horrible

i guess if he could he would have locked

me in the house and not let me go

anywhere without him

it took a while but at last i realized

things couldn't go on like that and i

broke up with him

for the first few weeks he stalked me

and one day he even climbed up my

parents house to look through our

bathroom to watch me take a shower

after that i got a restraining order

from him which means he isn't allowed to

get near me or contact me in any way or

he will go to jail however that was two

years ago and frank still sends me

messages from anonymous phones

i don't want to change my number because

it would feel like i'm letting him win

but whenever i see a text from him it

stresses me out his last one was really

weird i got another girl pregnant and

it's all your fault

see how crazy he is how could that be my

fault i wish he would just leave me

alone i don't understand why he's trying

to make my life miserable

but luckily i'm dating nick now and our

relationship is much healthier he

respects my boundaries and we trust each

other

i feel secure with him sure nick can be

a bit possessive sometimes but so can i

there's nothing wrong about being a

little possessive it's only natural but

when you try to control someone's whole

life

you have some issues and maybe you

should get help

i've done some research and it's

frightening how many guys actually

killed their girlfriends because they

were jealous of them just talking to

another man it's insane

so although i'm not a professional

therapist my advice would be to stay

away from anyone who tries to completely

control your life those people are evil

and only care about what they can get

out of you they don't care about your

happiness at all please be careful