Original subtitles

You see this house here?

There?

The bloke that used to live in there, right,

kept hearing strange noises coming out of his attic at night.

And he'd go to the fridge

and find that food was missing from the fridge.

So he thought, "I'm just going to go up to the attic and check this out."

And he found an entire family of Peruvian panpipe buskers

just living up there.

And he thought, "I'm just going to leave them to it,

"cos they're not really doing me any harm."

And then, a few years later, he thought,

"Well, I'll just go up to the attic to check on them.

"See if they're all right."

And it turned out they'd all died of asbestos poisoning.

Yeah, he doesn't live here any more.

He lives in Stroud, cos it's closer to his work.

- Loads has happened

- since you've last been here. - You missed so much.

- You missed the duck race. - The duck race.

- Absolutely fucked it.

Fucking hell.

Kurtan's got a new girlfriend, ain't you?

Yeah, I have, actually.

Called Sophie Elizabeth Huxley.

But I call her Soph.

Yeah, and she also lets me call her Soph as well, doesn't she?

Yeah, she does.

Well, I was on Tinder for a bit.

But I wasn't getting any matches, so...

You didn't get one match.

- Yeah. - Not one match.

That's only cos no-one round here is on Tinder,

so, you know, I had to keep setting my radius further and further and further,

then the radius got to France,

and it just got silly by the end, you know?

I can't afford to be going back and forth on the Chunnel

every other weekend to take some French frog out bowling.

- No way.

So, then, one evening, I was on Facebook and it popped up,

"People you might know."

Yeah, so he messaged every girl on there, saying,

"Hey, what is your spirit animal?"

Icebreaker.

Icebreaker.

And then Soph was actually the first one to reply,

saying, "Giraffe. What about you?"

And I said, "Whatever animal has sex with a giraffe."

- And she found it a laugh. - Yeah.

A lot of girls don't find that a laugh, though,

especially if their spirit animal

- was a hamster or their dead nan. - Yeah.

I just decided to sack off college altogether in the end,

especially now I got Soph. To be honest,

didn't really want to go in the first place,

but the vicar was just trying to push me into it.

Basically, just trying to live his dream through me.

Anyway, he's latched onto Kerry now,

and he's leeching the life out of her.

She can't see how toxic he is.

So, the trick is to just get the trowel in like that.

It's been an interesting few months, actually.

I've been spending a lot more time with Kerry,

which is great.

She's come on leaps and bounds, with regard to her outlook on life.

Who been nicking after them runners?

They're absolutely fucked.

- Sorry for saying... - Kerry...

Cos I've changed massively since you've been here last.

Cos I've reformed myself.

Cos I've been hanging out with the vicar, and that,

and he's sort of taught me the way of the world.

Like, how to be kind to others

and treat people the way I always want to be treated.

- This is marvellous.

Some people will always be scared of me,

and I can't change that, no matter how nice I am.

But there's a balance to be had between being nice and being feared.

Like, Dr Barnardo, he was just too nice and not feared,

so he just got overrun by orphans, and everyone just took the piss.

Yes! Yes!

That's what I'm talking about!

- Just a bit less power now. - Well, exactly.

If I meet it in the middle, then I'll get there.

Yes.

All right?

- I was just playing a bit of golf.

Cos it's fun.

That was very good indeed.

Kurtan, it's so good to see you!

Erm, Vicar, Sophie. Sophie, Vicar.

Hi, Sophie, lovely to meet you at last.

It's lovely to meet you, too, Vicar.

Good.

Yeah, pretty good. Probably the best I've been in a long time...

- Look at that! Look at that! - That's brilliant.

I'm so happy for you both.

Kurtan's all was going on about you, Vicar.

Is he? - Yeah.

That's not...

You know, Kurtan, you can pop in any time

to see me for a cup of tea and a catch-up.

Don't really like tea.

Well, just a catch up, then.

Don't really like catching up. It's not my thing.

Well, I'm running Secret Cinema Club on Thursday,

if you two wanted to come.

We're doing Grease. It should be fun.

I love Grease.

- So do I. - That's my favourite... We'd love to.

Would you? That would be great. Well, you should definitely come.

- Yeah, we will. - Yeah, fine. Whatever.

- Great! - All right. Yeah.

- So nice to meet you. - And you, Sophie. That's great.

But if you want to pop in before then,

- Kurtan, you know where I am. - Yeah.

Sticking your nose in everyone's business...

Yeah, but he seems really nice!

Yeah, cos he's a sociopath. That's what they all want you to think.

It's all just an act.

I just watched this video

of this girl doing a random act of kindness on YouTube.

She basically paid for this old man's shopping at the till.

And this old man was, like, about 90 years old.

And he's so fucking old, like, you could see through his skin.

And he just starts bawling his eyes out.

He's like, "You're fucking joking me, this ain't fucking real life."

I just thought... I want to make someone feel like that.

Cos that's... I really... That's what I want to do.

What?

What?!

As a random act of kindness.

As a random act of kindness!

I don't know what she's talking about, cos I do wipe my arse properly.

OK?

No, listen. Right, if I turn my phone off, right, Soph,

that means I don't want to talk to anyone, not just you.

Yeah, I just want a bit of Kurtan time.

You know

Yeah, OK, fine, then.

Whatever.

Yeah. Bye.

Fucking hell.

Cannot believe that.

So I turned my phone off, right, for literally, like, two days.

She's going absolutely mental about it,

going, "I thought you were dead. I was going to call the police."

I'm not dead. Just can't be arsed to text her sometimes.

You know

Problem is, when we first started dating, I set the bar too high,

cos I was just texting her the whole time,

but that was because I wanted to reel her in.

But now the fish is in the net,

I ain't going to keep throwing worms at it.

Cos that's a waste of worms.

You know, correct me if I'm wrong,

but four texts a day is complete madness.

No-one can keep up with that.

Not even Giffgaff.

So, Slugs updated his Facebook status this morning,

saying how his PlayStation broke and how gutted he was, and that.

So I thought I'd do my very own random act of kindness for him,

because perhaps I have been quite harsh to him in the past, you know?

I mean, he's not that annoying, it's just...

He just needs to learn not to breathe out of his mouth,

cos that just winds everyone up.

Hello!

Erm...

Sorry, is Slugs in?

Michael.

Me and Michael have been going out for nearly a year.

It's going well.

Really well.

- Hello. - Hi.

- So, I heard your PlayStation broke. - Yeah.

- It's really sad. - It sucks, man.

Really sucks.

But I've got a little surprise for you,

because I know how harsh life has been to you.

Cos it has been really harsh, you know,

and you deserve happiness just as much as the next man, don't you?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Which is why, as a random act of kindness,

I am giving you my PlayStation.

Thanks.

Hello. You happy with that

- Yeah.

- Yeah, thanks.

Yeah?

Hello.

Sorry, Slugs...

Can I speak to Slugs, please?

Michael?

Is he coming?

- Yeah.

He is coming? Right. OK.

Hello?

Hello.

Is there a problem here?

With what?

Well, I've just given you a PlayStation

and it just doesn't feel like you're that grateful for it.

- I am.

- Yeah.

Because it doesn't really feel like that, that's the thing. At all.

It's a PS3.

Yeah. Because... I get...

That's way I've given you my PS3, because it was broke,

that's the whole point of this whole thing.

No...

My PS4 is broken.

My PS3 is in the garage.

I just... I'll just have it back.

Sorry, Kayleigh, can you just pass me my PlayStation back?

That would be absolutely great. Thank you very much.

- No, you can't keep the controllers,

because, you know, it was a whole thing...

- That's the whole point in...

Yeah, whatever. Fine.

Just eat your toast and breathe at the same time,

like you usually do, because that is disgusting,

and, you know, you have no manners. Fine.

The fact is, you did something nice for someone.

Am I doing something nice for someone?

Because it doesn't really feel like it,

because I'm not getting great feedback from it.

But, Kerry, look, doing kind gestures for people

is not about getting recognition.

It's about doing kind things selflessly.

- I am doing kind things selfishly. - No - self-less-ly.

What does "selflessly" mean?

Well, it means you don't need people to be grateful

for the kind things you do -

you do it anyway, because it's the right thing to do.

Right...

So, like, when you're at Tesco's and using the self-service checkouts,

and the machine gives you your change,

and it says, "Please take your change,"

and you say, "Thank you,"

and you know it can't hear you say thank you, cos it's a robot,

but you say thank you anyway, because it's the nice thing to do...

Um... Yes, well, sort of.

- Yeah. - Yep.

I get it. I get it, I get it, I get it, I get it.

Cheers, thanks for that, Vics.

- No problem. - Thank you.

Thank you, Kerry, bye.

That will be £4, please. There we go.

Talking to the vicar really helped,

so, I decided, as a random act of kindness,

I'm going to do security for him at his Grease cinema night.

OK. You're all good.

If you'd like to go on through, just up and on the right, OK?

- Checking for knives and shit.

I really don't think that's necessary.

It is, if my enemies know I'm here.

I was at midnight Mass one year, right,

someone got tipped off I was there.

As I was coming out the church,

someone tries to shoot me with a crossbow.

OK, Kerry. Right.

- Another thing.

Just to let you know,

I changed all the light bulbs in the toilet to UV,

so if we get any smack-heads tonight,

they won't be able to see their veins when they're shooting up.

Super. Right, um...

Just... Sorry about that. Just the one ticket?

All right?

Why are you not dressed up?

- I thought you were joking. - No.

That's the whole point of Grease cinema night -

you dress up as, like, the people from the film.

Well, I haven't seen the film, have I?

That's why I came here - to watch the fucking film

- like a normal human being. - All right! Just go inside, then.

Come on.

My God. Is that Slugs?

- She looks great.

She can't walk in those shoes! Fucking 'ell.

- Bambi on ice.

- Hey, guys.

Doing good.

- Yeah.

- Am I glad to see you!

Why?

This

- This whole...

It's embarrassing.

- Yeah.

Don't know what party you're at, this one's banging, mate.

Look at everyone, look at them.

- You ain't dressed up. - You ain't dressed up.

Yeah, I am. I'm security.

You look like Andy Fordham.

Who's that?

Fat darts player, basically.

Well, I don't care, cos I'm enjoying myself.

I do miss spending time with Kurtan, actually.

I suppose that's a bit selfish of me, really,

cos he's got his own life to live, but...

..you know, it's just so good to see him so happy with Sophie.

I don't even know why you're getting so upset.

I di...

I've made an effort by coming here tonight. I didn't want to come.

Do you understand that? But I still did.

You don't give a shit about me.

I make such an effort, and now you don't give a shit.

When I look at Slugs and Kayleigh, I think that's all that I want.

That is insane.

It's not. He was dancing, he was making an effort.

- Yeah, like a fucking Boohbah. - And you still haven't let me know

if you're coming to my parents' barbecue on Sunday.

I've asked you, like, three times...

Hey, hey, hey! This is Mr Belding.

What have I told you kids about loitering in the corridors?

Sorry, mate, who are you?

Ian.

Ian, right, I'm just having a very serious chat

with my girlfriend right here,

and what you've just done is really inappropriate, mate, all right?

- Sorry, mate.

Fuck!

Do you not wanna be with me?

Mr Belding, that... That's Saved By The Bell, that's not Grease.

He's got that totally wrong.

Sorry...

What did you say?

Fucking prick.

Fuck.

Mr Belding!

Pfft.

He's... He's gonna be embarrassed about that in the morning.

Sophie dumped Kurtan last night, so he's in a bit of a state.

I had to wheel him here from his house in an Asda trolley,

cos he was just too heartbroken to move.

It's a shame, cos I'd just finished writing my best man speech.

But...

"When I first saw Sophie

"I thought, 'Wow, Kurtan's really punching above his weight.

"'He'll never be able to hang on to her!'

"But he has, and I've never seen him happier."

You all right?

Kurtan?

Kurtan, mate?

Yeah, I...

I just need to sort my shit out.

And try and fix things.

Yeah, it is hard seeing Kurtan like this,

but when someone's down, there's nothing better

than a little random act of kindness,

and I know exactly how to fix things.

Sometimes you don't know what you got until you ain't got it any more.

Like Blockbuster's.

I just took 'em for granted - and then, one day, gone,

and you spend ages trying to figure out what went wrong,

and then you realise it was your fault all along.

It's all right, Kurtan.

Not Blockbuster's, that... that was online piracy,

and lack of vision upstairs, in the boardroom.

It's just... like...

..after not going to Swindon College and that...

...when I ducked out, I just thought that I'd let you down.

Of course you didn't.

Is...

Is that why you've not been coming to see me?

- Yeah. - Kurtan.

Well, that and...

...the cress that we sowed together in the village hall kitchen,

I've actually been having nightmares about it,

because I haven't watered it in so long,

and in my dreams, the cress is so thirsty,

it's dying like a starving dog, and it's just going,

"Kurtan just left me to die."

Kurtan, don't... Don't worry, it's fine.

I've been watering it.

- Yes.

- Yes.

That's...

That's amazing.

I'm sorry you've been worrying so much about it.

- I really am. - I have.

It's just so stupid.

- I just know it's so stupid... - You mustn't feel stupid.

I wish you'd come and told me all this earlier.

Yeah, just had a great chat with the vicar and, honestly,

I feel so much better now everything's sorted.

I feel bad for slagging him off, because that was bang out of order...

...and for posting a picture of him on that German porn site, but...

I can probably take that down, I think.

I feel like a prat about the cress, as well, but...

You don't need to feel silly about that.

You don't believe how much I stress...

I've been stressing about it so much.

Yes, it's great having Kurtan back, I've really missed him. Um...

...but just between you and me, his cress... did die, um,

but I don't think he's quite ready to hear that just yet.

I just think I was in denial about a lot of shit, even Soph,

and I was taking it out on the vicar, even though it weren't his fault.

Thinking about it now, me and Soph just weren't right for each other.

I'm just going round Kerry's house.

She really wants me to come over.

Yeah, probably be nice to hang out with her again, just us two.

Like the old days, really.

Hi.

What are you... doing here?

- Well, Ker called me... - I called her.

Right.

OK.

So, do you wanna talk? Cos this is just... This is so silly.

- It is so silly. - Yeah, it's just...

It is what it is, though, really.

So...

Do you wanna go outside?

- Give her a kiss!

What for?

I thought you said you wanted to fix things.

- I... don't... remember saying that. - You did.

You told me you wanted to fix things.

He did.

I did, yeah, but...

...with... with the vicar.

So, you definitely don't wanna fix things with... her?

Nah.

Sorry.

Um...

Yeah.

Probably should go now.

OK, see ya.

Sorry, can I just get round you?

Thanks.

I'm so sorry...

...but...

...is it all right if you leave my house?

It's just I only kind of know you through Kurtan.

Is that OK?

Yeah?

So sorry about that.

Ooh...

- See ya. - Bye.

I'm not quite sure what...

Cos I must have read that completely wrong there.

It's her own fault, actually,

cos she led me down this path.

You know?

I...

She was sort of doing it to me, that's the thing.

She was going to me, "Oh," you know, "you get us back together."

It is not really my fault, is it?

I think she's just living in a dream world.

She wanted it to go that way,

and it just wasn't gonna go that way.

She even got me thinking that they'd get back together...

..but that's manipula.... manipulative people... do that.

And he's better off without her.

Yeah.

- Kurtan, not bad. Bit more power. - Yeah.

Your go, Kerry.

- Rubbish. - Er, Kurtan, please.

That wasn't rubbish, that was a good effort.

See?

- That wasn't much to write home about.

- She just kicked it! - No, I didn't.

- Kerry... - I saw you kick it!

- Just a minute. Kerry... - You can't kick...!

Kerry, don't be silly, look.

- Play fair, or you can sit out. - No, honestly, cos...

- Come on. - Don't...

I'll just tell him about the cress, then, shall I?

Kerry, please.

What about the cress?

Nothing, Kurtan. It's fine.

- I'm just gonna take this shot.

It's fucking dead, isn't it?