Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Oh, I gotta stop. I gotta stop this story.

I gotta stop the story. Stop story.

Oh, come on. Load, why are you taking so long.

Why are you so slow.

Oh, I need to stop the story.

No updates now!

Oh, come on. I gotta stop it.

He's coming. He's coming up the stairs.

He's coming up the stairs, I have to stop it now!

Come on, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Go away! Call 911.

Somebody call 911. Oh, geez! No!

Oh no!

No, no, no!

- Jasmin? - Yes?

Alexandria. Do you have a quick second to talk?

I don't feel like talking to the press right now.

I'm not the press.

I actually work with your father really closely

at Destiny Publishing.

- Okay. - Did he mention

any short stories that we was working on?

It could be his best work yet.

I have to go right now, may I?

This actually might be worth a lot of money,

seems like you might need it. It could help you out a lot.

- Excuse me? You got... - The expenses

on the house, taxes...

You've got some nerve.

- May I? - It could help you out a lot.

- How long are you in town for? - A couple of days, a week,

- what does it matter? - Here's my card.

If you happen to find anything, just give me a call.

Whatever.

Jasmin, where did you get this?

In your room, Daddy!

Why did you bring it down here?

To play with them.

But it's not a toy, it's a very expensive collectible.

It's worth a lot of money.

Do not play with this again. Ever.

Jasmin, I'm busy right now, I'm writing.

I'm writing. Just put it over there,

I'll look at it later, okay?

Jasmin, what are you doing here?

Papá, ¿por qué no me quiere?

Speak English, Jasmin!

We don't speak Spanish anymore in this house.

I lost my accent, you can lose your accent.

Listen, practice this,

"She sells seashells by the sea shore."

Can you do that?

She sells she...

Ugh, whatever!

You've been hanging around that maid too much.

You're speaking too much Spanish.

You need to go out with the Anglo boys and

- learn better English, now! - At least she cares!

Pass...

word.

Jasmin.

Frankenstein.

How pathetic.

Oh, my dear Jasmin.

As you are watching this, uh, I'm most likely dead.

Or maybe you've broken into my computer.

I'm gonna go with dead for now.

Listen, I know you think I've always been hard on you,

or ignored you, but at a certain point,

you did the same to me.

Have you ever read any of my books? Even one?

Did you ever show any interest in my work?

So, as I see it, we're even. It's tit for tat.

Jasmin, I know in death, families always want to have

a moment of resolution where they get together and say,

"I wish we'd said this to one another

while we were still alive,"

and then we'd have closure.

My point of view is, if we didn't say it back then,

we ain't gonna say it now.

Jasmin, whatever resolutions you wanted to have,

or hoped to have with me,

I guess they're not gonna happen.

Now, Jasmin, I need to talk about the will.

Um, it's gonna happen someday, you're gonna get everything.

Everything in the house is yours,

the books are the most valuable thing,

and all the movie rights and the royalties that go with it,

you get all that.

Let me tell you about my most recent project.

Aw, it's gonna be great! It's gonna be big!

So big, it's gonna be the biggest thing I've ever done.

I bought a 17th century book on black magic.

And in that book, they teach you how to cast magical spells

by writing stories about them.

And when you read these stories aloud,

they come to life.

So, this could be much bigger than anything

than you'd see in 3D, men in tights

hanging from some walls somewhere.

No, this is gonna be so much bigger.

Because when you read these stories out loud,

they come to life.

You can have a real vampire in your own kitchen.

Now, if you do this, remember you don't...

Oh my God, he's gone crazy.

Hello, everyone. Welcome to the audio book of

my famous short story collection,

Monsters in the Closet.

Based on a 17th century book of black magic.

Our first story takes place on a misty night

with the smell of mold everywhere.

Forced it shut!

Shit! Oh fuck! No!

Ah, no! No!

Oh fuck!

Fuck!

Hello?

Somebody there?

Hey. Hey, man, you need help?

Oh, shit!

It's gotta be somewhere.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Oh, my God. Twinkie.

Yes.

Mm!

Oh, these are...

...not how I remember them tasting.

Ugh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh...

Apple.

Ugh!

Oh, God.

Ugh.

Fuck.

What?

Aw.

Fuck.

Oh!

Aw!

Hey, wait for me! I'm coming with you.

Maybe we can work as a team.

Is that door locked too?

Get the fuck away from me!

- Fuck! - Maybe we can...

Oh, shit!

May... Urr.

Be... Grr.

- Fuck. - You piece of shit!

Hey, what the fuck? I'm trying to help you!

Ah!

Fuck!

All right! Bring it on, you fucking scum!

Oh, fuck! Oh God, that hurts!

Oh, fuck!

Get off!

Dude.

You okay?

What is that wonderful smell?

Is that...

Is that coming from...

Is that coming from you?

Please, please be lasagna in your pockets. Please.

Mm, mmm, mm.

Why'd I do that?

I just meant to smell it.

Hey, stop. No. Don't.

Spit it out, spit it, spit it.

Good girl.

Chris?

Chris?

Chris.

Oh, Chris. Not you too.

I'm sorry.

Oh, oh yeah. No, uh...

I'm not going to finish it. You can have the rest.

So you will not believe what I just did.

Oh wait, no. Yeah, maybe you would.

Yeah. Right.

Hey, do you mind if we stick together?

This is kind of...

I mean, are they going to eat us?

Are we going to eat them?

Is there a cure for this shit or is it like herpes?

You know, I probably should have

told you this before, but...

I used to have the hugest crush on you.

Yeah, not so much right now.

So, how long have you been a zombie?

Are there rules I should know?

You know, you really haven't changed

all that much, come to think of it.

- Ugh! - What?

Oh, baby.

It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you.

I know, I would be scared too,

but everything is gonna be all right, I pro...

Fuck, oh fuck!

Fuck, did I just do that?

I didn't mean... Chris. Shit, I didn't mean to do that.

No, no, no, I won't let you have her.

Come on, come with me.

Come on. Get away from them.

Leave her alone. Get out, get away.

I won't let you have her.

We'll hide in here. I know just the place.

Shh, be very quiet.

Be very quiet, they won't find us.

Stay right there, wait for me. I'm gonna lock the door.

Um...

They won't find us in here. I promise you. Come on.

Let's get away from the door. Come with me.

You have to be very still, be very quiet.

That's a good girl.

Shh, shh, shh.

Be a good girl.

Be a good girl.

Wait right here with me.

We will... shit.

It's all right.

We'll wait them out. They'll go away.

They'll go away. They can't get in. The door is locked.

I promise you, they can't get in.

It's going to be all right.

Just stay with me. Stay very still.

Be very quiet. Stay with me.

I've got you. I've got you, it's okay.

No, no!

Please go away. It's okay.

It's going to be okay. Don't worry, I've got you.

I won't let them hurt you. I won't let you hurt her.

It's gonna be all right. Stay right here with me.

No, no, no.

You can't have her. Please!

For God's sake, leave her alone.

Oh, no.

Ugh! Damn it.

Damn it.

These hands.

Oh, here.

Here.

Take it, take the gun. Take it.

Take it! Kill me, kill me.

Kill me. You fucker, kill me!

Kill, kill, kill me! Kill me.

Oh...

Fuck.

Ugh.

I'm so sorry.

Please don't hate me.

No!

Oh, that's pretty.

See, there's always something to smile about.

The sun is out, the air is...

well, it's pretty rank, actually. But...

Over there, quick.

eat led, zombie bitch.

Folks, wasn't that a great story?

A little bit scary.

Zombies, you gotta stay away from 'em

because they're after your brains.

But let me tell you how to make

a great egg salad sandwich.

First, you go to the grocery store

and you go to where they have all these little

plastic containers on the shelves

and you find one that says egg salad.

And then you buy a loaf of bread

and then you buy a head of lettuce

and you put them all together.

And that's how you make egg salad sandwich.

And don't try to give one to a zombie.

A zombie wants a brain salad sandwich.

Hello?

Hello?

Fuck.

Hello, is anyone downstairs?

I said hello.

Hello?

Hello.

I gotta stop smoking weed.

For this next story, we see a young woman

looking longingly at her empty backyard.

Honey, isn't this is so exciting?

Oh, it's beautiful!

I can't believe we did it.

I can't believe we actually finally bought our first house.

After all that freaking paperwork.

It was so ridiculous.

Oh my God, I swear the minute I told them

that I was South African, that was it.

They were like, "Well, now we need extra deposits

and extra guarantors," And it was just like...

Little bit of xenophobia.

Yeah, like a little bit, honestly.

But still, I'm so excited.

This is so amazing. I love you so much!

I love you too!

Can you come? I can't really reach.

Yeah!

You just made a massive hole!

That's from the door!

I'm gonna need a whole can of spackle just for that hole!

We can have a little cat!

The water's totally brown!

That is disgusting.

There's probably at least 1,500 parasites in there.

That is so nasty!

We could be puking by morning.

Babe, I really...

Oh, God. Babe... Oh, ow!

Babe...

Babe...

This is great, right?

I mean, the appraisal looks pretty good.

Yeah, uh, it's yeah, I mean, it's just that

I wasn't expecting so many wires and holes.

A lot of holes.

Yeah.

I mean, look, it's...

it's gonna be hard work, okay?

I'm not gonna lie to you,

but it's not going to be a lot of work.

Just some elbow grease, you know, painting some walls,

spackle some holes, replace the carpet,

fix the banister.

We should put some tiles in,

I think that would be... or you know.

Yeah. And you know,

we probably just have to patch the roof.

Not like, replace the whole thing. It's gonna be fine.

Kinda looks like it needs to be replaced.

But, um, you know what?

You're... you're right. Honestly,

you know what? We... we worked so hard.

We bought this house, and that's all that matters.

And as long as we have a shower

and... and some running water, that's,

you know... You checked the plumbing.

I am going to check the plumbing too.

That's... that's on the list.

So we don't know if we have a shower right now.

- We will. - We will?

- We will! - We will know.

You know how we'll know, because we hired a contractor.

We did. We did that. And that's so great

'cause you emailed the contractor

like I asked you to, right?

He's gonna fix all of this.

This is... this is fine.

What am I stressing about.

We hired the contractor, right?

Who? Who?

The contractor?

I sent you his email address

and you said that you contacted him.

And that he was gonna fix everything.

Babe, I spent all of our money on buying the house,

so there's no money left for a contractor.

We don't have a contractor?

Babe, it's fine. I took shop in high school.

You did honey, and you got an A-plus.

I got a letter with a plus sign after it every semester.

So that's a good sign.

Great. Yeah, that's... that's fine.

You are right. You know what?

Are you sure?

Look, anything that we need to find out,

we look up on the YouTube.

And that way we don't have to pay some dumb plumber

to come down and have us stare at his ass crack

while he, like, hits on you and does shoddy plumbing.

- Right. - We just do it ourselves and we

don't have to pay anybody 'cause the internet is free.

- The internet is free. Right. - You're so cute

when you realize things.

We're gonna make this house so cute.

I love you, shmoopy.

I love you more! No, that nose!

- No, that nose. - You're gonna make it greasy.

- Don't touch it. - Okay, time to work.

Okay.

You do that.

Okay, so you're saying that...

right, that after I nail that one,

after I've sanded and then...

Yeah, I know. Okay.

But what happens to the spackle?

I gotta let you go.

shmoopy, what happened.

You dropped it because you were too busy on the phone

because you're not concentrating.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

Let's just... keep going. Okay?

- Come on, shmoopy. - All right, shmoopy.

I love you, shmoopy.

- I love you. - I love you more.

No, really. I love you more.

- No, I love you more. - No, really.

It's... I love you.

Okay, honey, do you have all the slats in place?

- Yeah, the slats are in. - Perfect.

- Nails are through the hinges. - Awesome.

Yeah, I mean, I think this is pretty well hung.

I just have a question.

- Yeah? - Why is there so much space

between the top and the sides

that kind of defeats the entire purpose of having a door.

Baby, trust me, I looked at the diagnostic

blueprints for the door frame. Okay?

- You did? - Yeah,

there's supposed to be at least one inch of space.

The diagnostic blueprints of the door

told you to have space.

Minimum one inch between door frame and door

for ventilation in case of a fire.

- That's what it said. - I'm going to... All right.

I'm gonna trust you.

This is definitely at least one inch.

You're really smart.

You are. You're... No!

You're... you're a-door-able!

That's too good. I can't top that. That's a...

God, what the hell?

Yeah, I told you that was wrong,

but you just don't want to listen to me, so...

Maybe if you just listened to me sometimes,

you would get things right, but...

When did you tell me that it was wrong?

Yeah, I said, like, "You're doing the whole thing wrong."

Like, three times, but you just ignored me.

Do you have the blueprint there?

You know, I guess I'll find it.

shmoop!

What happened? I thought you were looking at the...

- shmoopy... - Okay, I was making it up.

I'm sorry. I was confused.

- You... No! - I was just playing.

You're such a playful one.

Stop it.

No, you stop!

No. Stop.

- Seriously - No, stop. Stop hitting me.

No, can you... I'm trying to... Can you stop? Stop hitting me.

If you hit me, I'm gonna hit you back.

- Stop hitting me. - As long as I get the last hit.

You're being difficult, shmoop.

Did you just call me difficult?

What? No!

If you call me difficult, I'll gorge your eyes out.

I said, you're being divine, shmoopy.

Stop being so silly.

- Honey? - Yes?

Why are you painting a Z across our brand new wall?

Well, because darling, that is

the most efficient way to paint a wall.

No, actually, according to HowToPaintYourHouse.com,

it most certainly says that you start with a W.

Well, shmoopy, when I was in shop

in high school getting pluses on all my grades

all six years, it was always with a Z shape.

Okay. Well, I really do think

that it should be a W.

I think the Z looks way better.

Really?

I think the W looks better.

What are you gonna do... what do you gonna do about it?

The man says Z!

You don't even have as much paint on me

as I have on you and you've done three passes.

Yeah, well, I'm just being nice.

I'm trying not to stuff up your...

- Z shape! - I'm just a nice person.

- And you... - You can't even get a W

on your husband's chest.

You're almost whiter than this wall!

Your hair glove is falling off!

Look, Z shapes all day,

Z shapes all day, Z shapes all day,

the man says Z.

And calls crocodile tears.

Crocodile tears, shmoops.

I am so sorry.

That was totally a mistake.

I...

I don't even know if I believe that,

- to be honest with you. - shmoopy!

You know I would never try to hurt you.

Who's my favorite shmoopy!

I love you, shmoopy.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

I love you too, shmoopy.

No, I love you more, shmoopy.

No, I love you more, shmoopy.

No, it's me, I love you more.

- Does this face look amused? - What?

Do I look amused?

You look like you're just having so much fun like me.

So, shmoopy, would you mind handing me

that bucket, please, so I can keep working up here?

- You want the bucket? - Who's my favorite shmoop?

- You want the bucket? - Yeah.

Could you hand me the bucket? Yeah, that'd be really nice.

shmoopy, I love you.

- Love you! - You're my favorite.

- You're my favorite! - Who's got the

best nose in all the land?

- Thank you, shmoopy. - Oh.

Oops.

That's okay.

I love you, still, shmoopy.

But, if next time you could just hand me the bucket

when I ask you to actually hand me the bucket,

I'd really appreciate it, then maybe it wouldn't

come crashing down on your head while I'm working.

I love you. Please keep up your good work.

Thank you, shmoop.

I love you, shmoopy.

Fuck you.

What?

Love you.

Ah!

Time to nail.

What?

Oh!

Ugh...

Does it hurt?

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, shmoopy.

We're almost done.

Just a little bit more paint and spackle.

We're almost there.

Okay.

What are you... what are you doing?

Cutting ceramic tile.

You got... You gotta to stop.

You gotta stop!

Stop!

Stop!

Stop!

Yes?

That's really dangerous.

Okay? The...

the dust from the tile could go into your lungs and...

and it's... it can kill you and there's no cure,

there is no cure.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I want a divorce.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Sweetie.

shmoop.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, God.

Oh you, bitch.

Oh, you bitch!

You know when I told you I loved your old sugar cookies?

Yeah?

I lied. That shit tastes like camel spit.

Oh, God!

Ow!

Oh fuck you, shmoopy.

Fuck you too, shmoopy.

Till death do us fucking part, bitch.

...Ow!

Ow! Fuck!

God damn it!

Ow!

Fuck you, shmoopy.

God damn it.

Gah!

Ugh!

Oh God, why?

I love you, shmoop.

I love you.

Wow. Wasn't that something

with all that blood flying around?

I'm not sure I'm gonna eat my cereal now,

but that raises the question,

is cereal soup?

You know, when you were a kid,

you made soup out of stones.

Why can't you make soup out of cereal

if you really want to? You know,

there's a cereal that kind of has

a rabbit whenever you see it on TV.

You can make soup out of rabbit.

So why can't you make soup out of cereal?

You know, why don't we put some carrots and celery in it

and have the cereal with carrots and celery?

Then it really would be soup, wouldn't it?

You know, chop in some celery, and some onions,

and some carrots, and now you've got cereal soup.

Stop. Get away from me.

Well, I don't think you'd like the cereal

with carrots and celery in it now.

I don't think so.

So, let's just come to a conclusion.

- Cereal is not soup. - Get away from me.

Get away from me!

For our next story, we join

a very rich businessman and his daughter

as they share coffee in downtown Manhattan.

This is so unfair.

Tiffany, life is unfair.

But you are being more than unfair.

Look, fair is my middle name.

Just ask my bridge partners

or even the guys on the trading floor.

You saw me talk to the chauffeur the other day,

I told him he has every right to be as rich as I am.

All he has to do is work for it.

I started my business with a couple of million dollars.

He could do the same.

But obviously he's lazy.

Otherwise, he wouldn't still be driving cars.

He's not Mexican lazy, but... still.

He gets what he deserves.

I get what I deserve.

And you get what you deserve.

And I deserve this.

It's just a camping trip with my friends.

And why haven't I ever met these friends?

I mean, what are they like?

They're nice people, Daddy.

Nice.

So you like one of them,

some cute boy, perhaps?

Maybe.

What's his name?

- Is it the Wellingworth boy... - No, Daddy,

you don't know him.

His name is... Vinnie.

Vinnie. Oh, Jesus.

Are you telling me he's Italian?

He's really sweet.

Sweet. What does his father do?

Okay, I don't know. I think he's a plumber.

Oh, my God. Oh...

Are you trying to give me a heart attack?

All right. You know what? This is just...

It's just... All right. Yeah. Hang on.

Here, wait a minute.

I'll tell you what,

why don't you go shopping this weekend instead?

Wouldn't you prefer a nice bracelet or a pretty dress?

No, I want to go camping.

I worked hard to get into the school

that you wanted me to go to.

You chose Princeton, not me.

Don't I deserve a little bit of a reward?

It's just a trip with my friends.

You don't get it, sweetie.

They're not your friends.

They hate you. They hate me.

We are what they would call one percenters.

Your friends are... not.

They're the 99 belower.

And Vinnie, he may even be a negative five.

Look, your friends have been brainwashed

into believing that you and I hate America,

but in fact, it's them who hate America.

And everything it stands for.

Now, really, if you want to go ahead and feel common,

why don't you buy yourself a little Hermes bracelet

or some little thing like that

and forget about the camping nonsense?

Okay, first of all, Daddy, it's "air-mes."

Second of all, in three months, I'm going to be in Princeton,

making my own mistakes, getting drunk,

failing midterms, eating pizza with the wrong fork.

You're not going to be there to save me.

I need to start learning from my own mistakes.

It's just a weekend.

Think of it as training wheels.

Come... come on, Daddy. I've earned this.

Fine, fine.

But you're taking your cell phone,

you're turning it on,

and most importantly...

call us if you need it.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

You are the best daddy ever.

Vinnie.

This is not going to end well.

Hey, Tiffany, look, I pissed on myself.

You must be very proud of yourself.

No, no, actually, I just... I didn't pee on myself,

I just sprayed beer all over.

Wait! Do you want to take a closer look?

So what's up, what did you want to show me?

I got this... this thing for Tiffany.

Oh yeah, I saw you put it in your pocket.

Yeah, I'm kind of nervous.

- It's a big weekend for me. - Don't be nervous.

- Let me see it. - All right.

- Yeah, definitely. - How big is it?

It's not that big.

Oh, you're probably being modest.

Come on. Just show me. Hold on. Oh, wait, here she comes.

Can we go somewhere else?

Listen, you having a good time?

Can you just give me a moment?

We can go somewhere and have a talk,

I just want to finish the conversation with Maureen.

Listen, just try to have fun.

You're much prettier when you smile.

We'll be right back.

Yeah. So, I mean, I know this is crazy, but, um...

I'm crazy about her.

- Aw! - And I know that

we've only been dating for, like, three months, but...

Think I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

What? That's amazing!

Yeah, I'm going to do it this weekend.

- Well, do you have it with you? - Yeah, I do.

I mean, I've only been carrying it around with me all day.

Let me see it, let me see it. How are you gonna do it?

Are you gonna get down on one knee?

Are you gonna just, like, spring it on her? Like...

- I... I don't know. - That's...

- That is so amazing. - Thanks.

- Oh, she's gonna love that. - You think so?

Is there something on it?

Yeah, there's an inscription I had them put on it.

That is so sweet.

Oh, yes, she is going to love that.

Perfect find. Absolutely.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate that.

I just had to tell somebody.

My God, I'm so excited for you.

Thank you.

Vinnie, Vinnie? Vinnie, are you okay?

- Oh, my God, what happened? - It was an accident.

Oh, Vinnie. Oh, my God, you shot him. You shot him!

Wait, wait! Let's think about this first.

Oh, my God! Vinnie, Vinnie?

We're going to get into so much trouble!

What are you talking about?

You're gonna get in so much trouble.

- Oh, my God. - Let's call my dad first.

He has a big time attorney.

We can get out of it.

We? Are you crazy?

- Oh, my God. - Wait!

Vinnie?

Vinnie? Oh!

Oh, my God.

You can forget about Princeton,

maybe a community college, if you're lucky.

Remember this phrase, "You want fries with that?"

You're going to be saying that for the next

50 years of your life.

You gave up your life for a reefer baked goombah?

Who would bang your best friend if you turn your back on him?

Boy, I'll say you made a mistake

when I wasn't there watching you.

I can't fix this.

Now you go and you fix it.

- Run! - What?

Wait...

Tiffany, did you just shoot Vinnie?

Nobody else has to die, Maureen.

We can tell the police that Hank and Vinnie

were in some weird love duet

and that they killed each other.

What? What are you talking about?

Hank wasn't going anywhere.

A misogynistic date rape drunk

who barely got out of high school.

Nobody is going to miss an idiot who works at Wal-Mart.

You're crazy.

I heard you got into Penn State.

Hey, it's not Princeton, but you're smart.

Not as smart as me, but...

get with the program, you know what's going on.

Maureen...

my daddy's lawyer can work miracles.

Please don't make the same mistake your friends made.

- What are you talking about? - Stay in your lane.

Oh, shit! Are you okay?

Help!

Help!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

I'm sorry.

Dad!

you were right, my...

my friends, they tried to kidnap me for ransom

and they just went crazy and started shooting each other.

I'm going to need a lawyer.

Please help me, I don't know what to do.

Please, please, please.

Please, help me!

Hey Tiff! Tiff, guess...

guess what I just go on my gender studies exam.

You're not gonna believe this.

A double D.

- A double D, get it? - I just pissed myself.

I'm kidding, it's just beer.

- What? - Ugh, whatever.

Can I call you back?

Can we go somewhere else?

You're not having fun?

No, Trevor.

Okay, in a minute.

I'll go upstairs to talk to Brenda,

and I'll be right back down.

All right. Come on. Try to have some fun.

You're much prettier when you smile.

Ooh, there was some hunting in that... oh, in that story.

Rifle work, shotgun work.

Oh, my word.

You know, rich people like to go hunting.

They like to go after animals like elephants

and bison and stuff like that.

If animals could talk, what would they say

about being shot at?

And who would be the rudest one?

Which animal would not take so well

to being shot at by voicing their opinion?

Which one do you think?

What the hell?

You know what I think?

I think the rudest animal would be a sloth.

All they want to do is hang around

and if you try to get them to do something, they'll say,

"Yeah, get the fuck away from me, pal."

That's rude. Mm. Or maybe a turtle, the same way.

The turtle, though, he can beat the rabbit.

Our newest story is about the times

when you think you're there, but you're not there.

It's almost as if you're invisible.

Alexandra, tell me something I want to hear.

The Raymond Grant book,

did you get his daughter to sign on?

Yes. Well, sir, we actually had a really good meeting.

I think we're going to get the deal.

All right. Very good.

Give me her number so I can give her a ring.

I actually didn't get her number.

Alex, you spoke to Jasmin Grant today,

and you didn't get her number? Why?

I didn't want to push it.

She's going through a lot. I'll just give her some space.

She has my card.

Push it. We're all going through a lot.

Do you have any idea how many publishers

are knocking on that decrepit door to get to that book?

This is a big deal. This book is gonna be huge.

What's it about anyway?

She doesn't even know.

Raymond had deadlines,

and he was constantly missing all the deadlines.

For all we know, it could be a collection of just Post-Its.

Right. Post-Its.

Yeah, right. We were probably gonna drop him anyway.

Last couple of films flopped at the box office.

Book sales tanked.

He kept saying, "I just need one, one more hit and...

I'm back on top."

Exactly, we all thought he just had a writer's block.

You know, his best stuff was his early work.

Towards the end...

Just like bands, win three albums,

after that they all suck.

Same thing.

You know what happens to those bands

when their front man dies?

Everybody and their mother is clawing to get

the last album because it might be worth something,

even though they haven't had a hit in two decades.

Hmm?

No, yeah, you're right.

You're right, I'll get onto it.

- When? - Now.

Perfect. That's what I want to hear.

And if I didn't tell you that your job depended on this one,

well, I'd be lying.

- So let me know. - Okay.

Well, those are the perils of being invisible.

That's why they wear those yellow vests

out on the highway, right?

Invisible man would never work on the highway. Oh my.

Anyway, the question we need to address right now is

how many chickens would it take

to kill an elephant?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Jasmin?

Hello?

Hello?

Anyone home?

!Oye! ¿Qué te pasa? ¿Qué tu haces en mi casa?

!Esperate! No soy.

Um, would it take 500 elephant-sized chickens

to kill an elephant-sized chicken?

I'm gonna... I'm gonna go with,

it's gonna take one elephant-sized chicken

to kill an elephant.

And that would be one big chicken.

When he pecks, earthquake time.

Our next story is about a conference of scientists.

It's a typical scientific meeting

where some scientists are more welcome than others.

Why the hell do we have to live in a castle?

It's just one of the many perks

of being a mad scientist, my darling.

But you're not mad.

- No. - You're not even annoyed.

You're...

Perky.

Why the hell are you so perky?

It's your birthday.

That's says 50. Do I look 50?

Uh, no, no, no.

And you do not look 50 the other eight times

we celebrated your 50th birthday either.

Seven. I am 57.

Do I look 58?

Why can't you invent something useful,

like an anti-aging formula

and not roller skates for squirrels?

Well, I will admit to a bit of a dry period lately,

but honestly, this cake is del... Oh!

Don't worry, baby.

It's just a little bit stuck.

You'll be fine.

Just stay still. Don't move.

You're not moving. You're good at not moving.

Oh!

Honey, honey, honey! Honey, you okay?

She's alive!

She's alive!

She's...

Crapola!

She's alive!

She's alive!

Motherfucker!

Mr. Frankenstein.

Dr. Frankenstein, actually.

Whatever. What is it this time?

I was wondering if I could borrow a little power,

just as scooch.

Power.

That's all you mad scientists think about,

power to rule the world.

Well, I don't think you even have enough power

to mow your lawn.

Ah, yes, the death weeds.

Well, I promise to get to them next Tuesday.

There was an experiment that went wrong.

- Sorry about the dog. - What?

Huh? What?

Look, last week it was a cup of sugar,

the week before that it was tea bags.

Now this.

What do you need my electricity for?

Just to reanimate the dead.

It's no biggie.

Very low power consumption.

- Huh. - Yeah, it's...

funny, actually. Funny story.

I accidentally killed my wife, and you know,

I would like to see her back so, if I could just...

Yeah, whatever.

Thank you.

What a bitch.

She's alive.

She's alive!

What the fuck are you doing?

Just checking to see if you're alive again.

Again?

Did you fucking kill me?

Just temporarily. You're a lot better now.

Look, you're siting up and everything.

You stabbed me?

Oh, my God, you better not have left a scar.

No, you look as lovely as ever.

Where's the mirror?

Where's that damn mirror?

Well, there's one by the kitchen, there's another one

in the bathroom... let's go this way.

This is a nice big one.

Victor, you motherfucker. I'm hideous!

Only on the outside.

I mean, beauty's only skin deep.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. What has he done?

Honey, what are you doing?

You know, it's not so bad...

With a little make up on

you'll be as beautiful as the day I met you.

Honey?

Honey boo-boo?

I don't know what happened.

You must have tripped and accidentally swallowed

all those pills, but do not worry.

Threw them all out. We'll be just fine.

Right. An accident.

I got a little surprise for you.

- What? - Upstairs,

I set up the VCR with all those tapes

of you winning the beauty contest.

I know how that cheers you up.

We'll go upstairs and watch them, yeah? Come on.

Come on.

There she is!

Oh, my God. Honey, you are so...

Oh, by the way,

I was thinking about how to deal with,

let's call them blemishes on your face,

and while you were away,

I took an art class.

I think I was able to reconstruct

your face really well.

Oh, yeah? You fixed me.

So you're telling me I'm as beautiful as I was before?

Even better, and I got a perfect score

from my art teacher.

I don't know.

It doesn't feel right.

What artist did you study?

Picasso!

What the hell is this?

I knew your affections for the cat were very strong, so.

You attached Fifi to me?

Yes! Don't you love it?

Now, you guys will never be separated.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Wait, you don't like this?

Fifi?

If that's Fifi,

who the hell is this you've attached to me?

I don't know, he was back by the dumpsters.

So cute, looks just like Fifi, doesn't it?

Uh...

Think of it as like a windshield wiper,

you grow used to it, your friends will be jealous.

Victor, stop bringing me back.

But I love you!

But I don't love living this way.

What can I do to make you happy?

You can make me beautiful again.

But you already are beautiful.

No, I'm not.

You're the most beautiful women that I know.

I'm ugly.

You're a masterpiece.

Your delicate hands...

Hand.

Your wonderful eyes. Your beautiful smile.

Your radiance knows no bounds.

You really think so?

I most certainly do, my darling.

Then kiss me.

- What? - Kiss me.

If I'm not vile to look at then make love to me.

If I'm as beautiful as ever,

then you should want to pounce on me right now.

I...

Crapola.

Are you sure you're in the mood, honey?

- Yes. - Because, you know,

we could watch television or something.

Make me feel beautiful.

Yeah. Cool. Cool, cool. Sure.

Okay, okay. Let's do this.

Is it good for you, baby?

I should have made the daddy hole a little bit bigger.

Oh, it's the balloon.

Just the balloon.

Are you okay, Victor?

Yeah, that was amazing, baby.

Just like our wedding night.

You have definitely not aged one bit.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I'll get it, baby.

I ordered dinner.

So you just stay there and bask in the glory of... my love.

I'll get the dinner.

Magic pizza!

We deliver in less than five hours or your soda is half off.

Yes. Wonderful, wonderful. Honey!

I'm just going to get some pizza,

put in the blender for your food hole.

Let's see what I got there.

How are you doing, buddy? What's your name?

Fuck off.

Fuckov? Is that Russian? Fuckov?

Say, there's something on your roof.

Huh? What?

Oh, shit.

Aw!

What are you complaining about?

It's only been a couple of weeks, you'll get used to it.

Besides, not only did you get your second hand back,

but you have a third one as a spare.

Hey! Those are my lips.

Ah, Fuckov. I'm sorry, I keep forgetting.

You're a very good kisser, though.

Nibbling on your ears is positively delicious.

Victor, this has to stop.

What? I can always get more pizza. What you think?

He's the only pizza guy in the world, baby?

I'm done. I want out.

Okay, you want to go out?

Let's see, we could go to the park

if we go out the backdoor...

I want a divorce.

What?

Look at me. Just look at me.

Can you honestly tell me I'm beautiful?

Honestly.

I'm not gonna lie, it's taking a little bit

to get used to you new features but you know,

I'm getting there. I'm getting there.

We all change physically.

It's not the physical things that are important, though.

I did not fall in love with you for your beauty alone.

I fell in love with you for your kindness and

your sense of humor and the way you cheered me up

when my experiments went wrong,

and you had to do that quite a bit.

Am I kidding? No.

The heart does not use the eyes to see.

True beauty can not be reflected in the mirror.

I love you. The real you, the deep down inside you.

Nothing could change that, ever.

You know, they call me a mad scientist.

Well, yes, I am mad.

I'm mad about you.

You know what?

I have a cousin who's a plastic surgeon.

I'm sold. Goodbye, Victor.

Have a nice life.

Wait...

wait, what? What?

What?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait.

A monster, kill it!

Oh, hey.

Oh, great, great read.

You must be, are you... are you representing Jasmin?

I will have my people talk to Jasmin.

You must be her boyfriend, right?

Okay, I really have to go.

Jasmin, darling.

Fantastic seeing you.

Thank you. Thank you.

We here at Snake Oil Publishing,

we love the book.

We just loved it.

You actually read it?

Oh, no.

But I talked to my people on the phone

and they could not stop screaming about it.

Oh, I see.

Mh-mm. I talked to the distributors

and they say the new Raymond Castle book

is going to be huge.

- Well, that's great news. - Yeah,

we're gonna have tons of copies in Wal-Mart,

in Barnes & Noble.

It's gonna be the next Goosebumps.

Oh, that's good. Good.

This book, it's gonna be killer.

Well, I hope so.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull