All language subtitles for Monsters.in.the.Closet.2022.720p.WEBRip.800MB.x264-GalaxyRG

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:05,001 Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull 2 00:00:26,761 --> 00:00:29,764 Oh, I gotta stop. I gotta stop this story. 3 00:00:29,797 --> 00:00:32,634 I gotta stop the story. Stop story. 4 00:00:32,667 --> 00:00:35,737 Oh, come on. Load, why are you taking so long. 5 00:00:35,770 --> 00:00:37,705 Why are you so slow. 6 00:00:37,739 --> 00:00:40,374 Oh, I need to stop the story. 7 00:00:40,407 --> 00:00:42,175 No updates now! 8 00:00:43,578 --> 00:00:46,514 Oh, come on. I gotta stop it. 9 00:00:46,548 --> 00:00:48,716 He's coming. He's coming up the stairs. 10 00:00:48,750 --> 00:00:51,653 He's coming up the stairs, I have to stop it now! 11 00:00:51,686 --> 00:00:55,255 Come on, stop, stop, stop, stop. 12 00:00:55,289 --> 00:00:57,291 Go away! Call 911. 13 00:00:57,324 --> 00:01:00,795 Somebody call 911. Oh, geez! No! 14 00:01:00,828 --> 00:01:02,095 Oh no! 15 00:01:02,564 --> 00:01:04,566 No, no, no! 16 00:02:33,387 --> 00:02:35,523 - Jasmin? - Yes? 17 00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:38,660 Alexandria. Do you have a quick second to talk? 18 00:02:38,693 --> 00:02:40,427 I don't feel like talking to the press right now. 19 00:02:40,460 --> 00:02:42,195 I'm not the press. 20 00:02:42,229 --> 00:02:43,564 I actually work with your father really closely 21 00:02:43,598 --> 00:02:44,799 at Destiny Publishing. 22 00:02:44,832 --> 00:02:46,466 - Okay. - Did he mention 23 00:02:46,501 --> 00:02:47,835 any short stories that we was working on? 24 00:02:47,869 --> 00:02:49,704 It could be his best work yet. 25 00:02:49,737 --> 00:02:51,539 I have to go right now, may I? 26 00:02:51,572 --> 00:02:53,508 This actually might be worth a lot of money, 27 00:02:53,541 --> 00:02:55,910 seems like you might need it. It could help you out a lot. 28 00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:57,477 - Excuse me? You got... - The expenses 29 00:02:57,512 --> 00:02:58,646 on the house, taxes... 30 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:00,313 You've got some nerve. 31 00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:02,784 - May I? - It could help you out a lot. 32 00:03:02,817 --> 00:03:04,919 - How long are you in town for? - A couple of days, a week, 33 00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:06,854 - what does it matter? - Here's my card. 34 00:03:06,888 --> 00:03:09,891 If you happen to find anything, just give me a call. 35 00:03:09,924 --> 00:03:11,358 Whatever. 36 00:04:39,346 --> 00:04:40,480 Jasmin, where did you get this? 37 00:04:40,515 --> 00:04:41,682 In your room, Daddy! 38 00:04:41,716 --> 00:04:42,950 Why did you bring it down here? 39 00:04:42,984 --> 00:04:44,852 To play with them. 40 00:04:44,886 --> 00:04:47,320 But it's not a toy, it's a very expensive collectible. 41 00:04:47,354 --> 00:04:48,823 It's worth a lot of money. 42 00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:50,925 Do not play with this again. Ever. 43 00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:53,460 Jasmin, I'm busy right now, I'm writing. 44 00:04:53,493 --> 00:04:55,029 I'm writing. Just put it over there, 45 00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:57,098 I'll look at it later, okay? 46 00:04:57,131 --> 00:04:58,900 Jasmin, what are you doing here? 47 00:04:58,933 --> 00:05:00,701 Papá, ¿por qué no me quiere? 48 00:05:00,735 --> 00:05:02,503 Speak English, Jasmin! 49 00:05:02,537 --> 00:05:04,672 We don't speak Spanish anymore in this house. 50 00:05:04,705 --> 00:05:07,575 I lost my accent, you can lose your accent. 51 00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:09,010 Listen, practice this, 52 00:05:09,043 --> 00:05:12,547 "She sells seashells by the sea shore." 53 00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:13,714 Can you do that? 54 00:05:13,748 --> 00:05:15,616 She sells she... 55 00:05:15,650 --> 00:05:17,384 Ugh, whatever! 56 00:05:17,417 --> 00:05:19,486 You've been hanging around that maid too much. 57 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:20,988 You're speaking too much Spanish. 58 00:05:21,022 --> 00:05:22,957 You need to go out with the Anglo boys and 59 00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:25,026 - learn better English, now! - At least she cares! 60 00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:37,038 Pass... 61 00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:38,806 word. 62 00:05:46,581 --> 00:05:49,083 Jasmin. 63 00:06:03,898 --> 00:06:05,933 Frankenstein. 64 00:06:12,607 --> 00:06:14,374 How pathetic. 65 00:06:20,982 --> 00:06:23,017 Oh, my dear Jasmin. 66 00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:26,821 As you are watching this, uh, I'm most likely dead. 67 00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:28,823 Or maybe you've broken into my computer. 68 00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:32,459 I'm gonna go with dead for now. 69 00:06:32,492 --> 00:06:35,196 Listen, I know you think I've always been hard on you, 70 00:06:35,229 --> 00:06:38,799 or ignored you, but at a certain point, 71 00:06:38,833 --> 00:06:40,668 you did the same to me. 72 00:06:40,701 --> 00:06:42,970 Have you ever read any of my books? Even one? 73 00:06:43,004 --> 00:06:45,039 Did you ever show any interest in my work? 74 00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:47,942 So, as I see it, we're even. It's tit for tat. 75 00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:50,745 Jasmin, I know in death, families always want to have 76 00:06:50,778 --> 00:06:53,581 a moment of resolution where they get together and say, 77 00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:55,182 "I wish we'd said this to one another 78 00:06:55,216 --> 00:06:56,717 while we were still alive," 79 00:06:56,751 --> 00:06:58,886 and then we'd have closure. 80 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:01,656 My point of view is, if we didn't say it back then, 81 00:07:01,689 --> 00:07:03,591 we ain't gonna say it now. 82 00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:06,994 Jasmin, whatever resolutions you wanted to have, 83 00:07:07,028 --> 00:07:09,030 or hoped to have with me, 84 00:07:09,063 --> 00:07:11,132 I guess they're not gonna happen. 85 00:07:11,165 --> 00:07:13,734 Now, Jasmin, I need to talk about the will. 86 00:07:13,768 --> 00:07:17,238 Um, it's gonna happen someday, you're gonna get everything. 87 00:07:17,271 --> 00:07:19,073 Everything in the house is yours, 88 00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:21,509 the books are the most valuable thing, 89 00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:24,245 and all the movie rights and the royalties that go with it, 90 00:07:24,278 --> 00:07:26,080 you get all that. 91 00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:29,083 Let me tell you about my most recent project. 92 00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:31,686 Aw, it's gonna be great! It's gonna be big! 93 00:07:31,719 --> 00:07:33,955 So big, it's gonna be the biggest thing I've ever done. 94 00:07:33,988 --> 00:07:37,658 I bought a 17th century book on black magic. 95 00:07:37,692 --> 00:07:41,796 And in that book, they teach you how to cast magical spells 96 00:07:41,829 --> 00:07:43,597 by writing stories about them. 97 00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:45,766 And when you read these stories aloud, 98 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:47,702 they come to life. 99 00:07:47,735 --> 00:07:49,637 So, this could be much bigger than anything 100 00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:52,239 than you'd see in 3D, men in tights 101 00:07:52,273 --> 00:07:54,008 hanging from some walls somewhere. 102 00:07:54,041 --> 00:07:55,876 No, this is gonna be so much bigger. 103 00:07:55,910 --> 00:07:58,746 Because when you read these stories out loud, 104 00:07:58,779 --> 00:08:00,681 they come to life. 105 00:08:00,715 --> 00:08:03,150 You can have a real vampire in your own kitchen. 106 00:08:03,184 --> 00:08:05,720 Now, if you do this, remember you don't... 107 00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:10,024 Oh my God, he's gone crazy. 108 00:08:19,734 --> 00:08:23,204 Hello, everyone. Welcome to the audio book of 109 00:08:23,237 --> 00:08:25,706 my famous short story collection, 110 00:08:25,740 --> 00:08:27,308 Monsters in the Closet. 111 00:08:27,341 --> 00:08:31,212 Based on a 17th century book of black magic. 112 00:08:31,245 --> 00:08:34,015 Our first story takes place on a misty night 113 00:08:34,048 --> 00:08:36,751 with the smell of mold everywhere. 114 00:09:34,742 --> 00:09:36,343 Forced it shut! 115 00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:45,219 Shit! Oh fuck! No! 116 00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:48,956 Ah, no! No! 117 00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:50,724 Oh fuck! 118 00:10:33,267 --> 00:10:34,368 Fuck! 119 00:10:41,208 --> 00:10:42,276 Hello? 120 00:10:44,178 --> 00:10:46,213 Somebody there? 121 00:10:49,150 --> 00:10:51,785 Hey. Hey, man, you need help? 122 00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:36,030 Oh, shit! 123 00:11:37,298 --> 00:11:38,933 It's gotta be somewhere. 124 00:11:38,966 --> 00:11:40,067 Fuck. 125 00:11:43,103 --> 00:11:44,305 Fuck. 126 00:12:27,181 --> 00:12:29,183 Oh, my God. Twinkie. 127 00:12:30,918 --> 00:12:33,053 Yes. 128 00:12:33,087 --> 00:12:34,855 Mm! 129 00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:37,124 Oh, these are... 130 00:12:39,460 --> 00:12:42,463 ...not how I remember them tasting. 131 00:12:42,496 --> 00:12:44,064 Ugh. 132 00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:46,967 Oh. 133 00:12:48,102 --> 00:12:49,169 Oh. 134 00:12:50,371 --> 00:12:52,039 Oh. 135 00:12:52,574 --> 00:12:54,041 Oh... 136 00:12:55,109 --> 00:12:56,410 Apple. 137 00:13:09,890 --> 00:13:11,992 Ugh! 138 00:13:12,026 --> 00:13:14,194 Oh, God. 139 00:13:14,228 --> 00:13:15,296 Ugh. 140 00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:23,070 Fuck. 141 00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:47,261 What? 142 00:13:52,333 --> 00:13:54,034 Aw. 143 00:14:33,641 --> 00:14:35,275 Fuck. 144 00:14:43,518 --> 00:14:46,387 Oh! 145 00:14:46,420 --> 00:14:49,323 Aw! 146 00:14:49,356 --> 00:14:52,326 Hey, wait for me! I'm coming with you. 147 00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:55,195 Maybe we can work as a team. 148 00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:14,481 Is that door locked too? 149 00:15:14,516 --> 00:15:16,450 Get the fuck away from me! 150 00:15:17,251 --> 00:15:19,353 - Fuck! - Maybe we can... 151 00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:20,522 Oh, shit! 152 00:15:20,555 --> 00:15:22,089 May... Urr. 153 00:15:22,122 --> 00:15:24,559 Be... Grr. 154 00:15:24,592 --> 00:15:27,060 - Fuck. - You piece of shit! 155 00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:29,229 Hey, what the fuck? I'm trying to help you! 156 00:15:29,263 --> 00:15:31,566 Ah! 157 00:15:31,599 --> 00:15:32,667 Fuck! 158 00:15:39,507 --> 00:15:44,077 All right! Bring it on, you fucking scum! 159 00:15:45,446 --> 00:15:48,182 Oh, fuck! Oh God, that hurts! 160 00:15:48,215 --> 00:15:49,684 Oh, fuck! 161 00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:54,354 Get off! 162 00:16:29,089 --> 00:16:31,225 Dude. 163 00:16:31,258 --> 00:16:34,094 You okay? 164 00:16:34,127 --> 00:16:36,531 What is that wonderful smell? 165 00:16:36,564 --> 00:16:38,533 Is that... 166 00:16:38,566 --> 00:16:40,133 Is that coming from... 167 00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:41,235 Is that coming from you? 168 00:16:42,269 --> 00:16:45,405 Please, please be lasagna in your pockets. Please. 169 00:16:51,646 --> 00:16:54,181 Mm, mmm, mm. 170 00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:56,250 Why'd I do that? 171 00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:58,185 I just meant to smell it. 172 00:16:58,218 --> 00:17:01,288 Hey, stop. No. Don't. 173 00:17:01,321 --> 00:17:04,491 Spit it out, spit it, spit it. 174 00:17:04,526 --> 00:17:05,693 Good girl. 175 00:17:08,295 --> 00:17:10,197 Chris? 176 00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:11,431 Chris? 177 00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:13,801 Chris. 178 00:17:13,835 --> 00:17:16,704 Oh, Chris. Not you too. 179 00:17:16,738 --> 00:17:19,841 I'm sorry. 180 00:17:19,874 --> 00:17:22,777 Oh, oh yeah. No, uh... 181 00:17:22,810 --> 00:17:27,180 I'm not going to finish it. You can have the rest. 182 00:17:27,214 --> 00:17:30,417 So you will not believe what I just did. 183 00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:33,320 Oh wait, no. Yeah, maybe you would. 184 00:17:33,353 --> 00:17:36,056 Yeah. Right. 185 00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:39,092 Hey, do you mind if we stick together? 186 00:17:39,126 --> 00:17:41,295 This is kind of... 187 00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:43,363 I mean, are they going to eat us? 188 00:17:43,397 --> 00:17:46,099 Are we going to eat them? 189 00:17:46,133 --> 00:17:48,603 Is there a cure for this shit or is it like herpes? 190 00:17:50,705 --> 00:17:53,307 You know, I probably should have 191 00:17:53,340 --> 00:17:55,843 told you this before, but... 192 00:17:57,277 --> 00:18:00,347 I used to have the hugest crush on you. 193 00:18:02,750 --> 00:18:05,720 Yeah, not so much right now. 194 00:18:05,753 --> 00:18:09,423 So, how long have you been a zombie? 195 00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:11,458 Are there rules I should know? 196 00:18:12,527 --> 00:18:13,861 You know, you really haven't changed 197 00:18:13,895 --> 00:18:15,362 all that much, come to think of it. 198 00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:16,598 - Ugh! - What? 199 00:18:23,838 --> 00:18:26,173 Oh, baby. 200 00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:27,842 It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you. 201 00:18:27,875 --> 00:18:29,644 I know, I would be scared too, 202 00:18:29,677 --> 00:18:31,646 but everything is gonna be all right, I pro... 203 00:18:32,847 --> 00:18:36,316 Fuck, oh fuck! 204 00:18:36,350 --> 00:18:38,418 Fuck, did I just do that? 205 00:18:38,452 --> 00:18:41,254 I didn't mean... Chris. Shit, I didn't mean to do that. 206 00:18:41,923 --> 00:18:46,360 No, no, no, I won't let you have her. 207 00:18:46,393 --> 00:18:48,362 Come on, come with me. 208 00:18:48,395 --> 00:18:50,263 Come on. Get away from them. 209 00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:51,766 Leave her alone. Get out, get away. 210 00:18:51,799 --> 00:18:53,601 I won't let you have her. 211 00:18:53,635 --> 00:18:56,470 We'll hide in here. I know just the place. 212 00:18:56,504 --> 00:18:58,806 Shh, be very quiet. 213 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:00,775 Be very quiet, they won't find us. 214 00:19:04,211 --> 00:19:06,581 Stay right there, wait for me. I'm gonna lock the door. 215 00:19:06,614 --> 00:19:07,715 Um... 216 00:19:10,818 --> 00:19:13,286 They won't find us in here. I promise you. Come on. 217 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:14,922 Let's get away from the door. Come with me. 218 00:19:16,456 --> 00:19:18,960 You have to be very still, be very quiet. 219 00:19:18,993 --> 00:19:21,896 That's a good girl. 220 00:19:21,929 --> 00:19:24,264 Shh, shh, shh. 221 00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:25,399 Be a good girl. 222 00:19:25,432 --> 00:19:26,901 Be a good girl. 223 00:19:28,435 --> 00:19:30,705 Wait right here with me. 224 00:19:30,738 --> 00:19:32,640 We will... shit. 225 00:19:33,775 --> 00:19:35,308 It's all right. 226 00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:38,713 We'll wait them out. They'll go away. 227 00:19:38,746 --> 00:19:41,683 They'll go away. They can't get in. The door is locked. 228 00:19:41,716 --> 00:19:43,518 I promise you, they can't get in. 229 00:19:43,551 --> 00:19:44,819 It's going to be all right. 230 00:19:44,852 --> 00:19:46,521 Just stay with me. Stay very still. 231 00:19:46,554 --> 00:19:48,488 Be very quiet. Stay with me. 232 00:19:48,523 --> 00:19:50,591 I've got you. I've got you, it's okay. 233 00:19:50,625 --> 00:19:52,927 No, no! 234 00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:55,362 Please go away. It's okay. 235 00:19:55,395 --> 00:19:57,364 It's going to be okay. Don't worry, I've got you. 236 00:19:57,397 --> 00:20:00,768 I won't let them hurt you. I won't let you hurt her. 237 00:20:00,802 --> 00:20:03,403 It's gonna be all right. Stay right here with me. 238 00:20:03,938 --> 00:20:05,673 No, no, no. 239 00:20:05,707 --> 00:20:07,441 You can't have her. Please! 240 00:20:07,474 --> 00:20:09,644 For God's sake, leave her alone. 241 00:20:21,923 --> 00:20:23,758 Oh, no. 242 00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:55,322 Ugh! Damn it. 243 00:21:06,601 --> 00:21:07,969 Damn it. 244 00:21:08,703 --> 00:21:10,437 These hands. 245 00:21:11,506 --> 00:21:13,674 Oh, here. 246 00:21:14,609 --> 00:21:15,777 Here. 247 00:21:15,810 --> 00:21:18,045 Take it, take the gun. Take it. 248 00:21:18,079 --> 00:21:20,681 Take it! Kill me, kill me. 249 00:21:20,715 --> 00:21:22,917 Kill me. You fucker, kill me! 250 00:21:22,950 --> 00:21:26,888 Kill, kill, kill me! Kill me. 251 00:21:26,921 --> 00:21:29,389 Oh... 252 00:21:29,422 --> 00:21:30,691 Fuck. 253 00:21:31,926 --> 00:21:33,694 Ugh. 254 00:21:34,896 --> 00:21:36,564 I'm so sorry. 255 00:21:38,099 --> 00:21:39,534 Please don't hate me. 256 00:21:39,567 --> 00:21:43,037 No! 257 00:21:43,070 --> 00:21:44,772 Oh, that's pretty. 258 00:21:45,940 --> 00:21:51,411 See, there's always something to smile about. 259 00:21:51,444 --> 00:21:55,382 The sun is out, the air is... 260 00:21:55,415 --> 00:21:58,085 well, it's pretty rank, actually. But... 261 00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:00,521 Over there, quick. 262 00:22:00,555 --> 00:22:03,356 eat led, zombie bitch. 263 00:22:05,726 --> 00:22:07,562 Folks, wasn't that a great story? 264 00:22:07,595 --> 00:22:09,096 A little bit scary. 265 00:22:09,130 --> 00:22:10,731 Zombies, you gotta stay away from 'em 266 00:22:10,765 --> 00:22:12,700 because they're after your brains. 267 00:22:12,733 --> 00:22:14,467 But let me tell you how to make 268 00:22:14,502 --> 00:22:15,937 a great egg salad sandwich. 269 00:22:15,970 --> 00:22:17,972 First, you go to the grocery store 270 00:22:18,005 --> 00:22:19,707 and you go to where they have all these little 271 00:22:19,740 --> 00:22:21,374 plastic containers on the shelves 272 00:22:21,408 --> 00:22:23,010 and you find one that says egg salad. 273 00:22:23,044 --> 00:22:24,645 And then you buy a loaf of bread 274 00:22:24,679 --> 00:22:26,147 and then you buy a head of lettuce 275 00:22:26,180 --> 00:22:27,949 and you put them all together. 276 00:22:27,982 --> 00:22:30,017 And that's how you make egg salad sandwich. 277 00:22:30,051 --> 00:22:31,853 And don't try to give one to a zombie. 278 00:22:31,886 --> 00:22:33,888 A zombie wants a brain salad sandwich. 279 00:22:47,768 --> 00:22:48,970 Hello? 280 00:22:53,674 --> 00:22:54,976 Hello? 281 00:22:57,578 --> 00:22:58,980 Fuck. 282 00:23:00,081 --> 00:23:02,717 Hello, is anyone downstairs? 283 00:23:10,625 --> 00:23:11,926 I said hello. 284 00:23:24,639 --> 00:23:25,740 Hello? 285 00:23:31,812 --> 00:23:32,880 Hello. 286 00:23:39,553 --> 00:23:41,454 I gotta stop smoking weed. 287 00:25:01,268 --> 00:25:03,904 For this next story, we see a young woman 288 00:25:03,938 --> 00:25:06,674 looking longingly at her empty backyard. 289 00:25:27,928 --> 00:25:29,797 Honey, isn't this is so exciting? 290 00:25:29,830 --> 00:25:31,832 Oh, it's beautiful! 291 00:25:31,866 --> 00:25:33,834 I can't believe we did it. 292 00:25:33,868 --> 00:25:35,836 I can't believe we actually finally bought our first house. 293 00:25:35,870 --> 00:25:38,205 After all that freaking paperwork. 294 00:25:38,239 --> 00:25:40,341 It was so ridiculous. 295 00:25:40,374 --> 00:25:42,843 Oh my God, I swear the minute I told them 296 00:25:42,877 --> 00:25:44,979 that I was South African, that was it. 297 00:25:45,012 --> 00:25:47,048 They were like, "Well, now we need extra deposits 298 00:25:47,081 --> 00:25:50,618 and extra guarantors," And it was just like... 299 00:25:50,651 --> 00:25:52,686 Little bit of xenophobia. 300 00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:54,989 Yeah, like a little bit, honestly. 301 00:25:55,022 --> 00:25:56,657 But still, I'm so excited. 302 00:25:56,690 --> 00:25:58,092 This is so amazing. I love you so much! 303 00:25:58,125 --> 00:25:59,693 I love you too! 304 00:25:59,727 --> 00:26:01,228 Can you come? I can't really reach. 305 00:26:01,262 --> 00:26:03,164 Yeah! 306 00:26:19,380 --> 00:26:21,949 You just made a massive hole! 307 00:26:23,217 --> 00:26:25,352 That's from the door! 308 00:26:25,386 --> 00:26:29,190 I'm gonna need a whole can of spackle just for that hole! 309 00:26:29,223 --> 00:26:30,357 We can have a little cat! 310 00:27:05,893 --> 00:27:07,862 The water's totally brown! 311 00:27:07,895 --> 00:27:09,396 That is disgusting. 312 00:27:09,430 --> 00:27:13,167 There's probably at least 1,500 parasites in there. 313 00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:16,103 That is so nasty! 314 00:27:16,137 --> 00:27:19,206 We could be puking by morning. 315 00:27:26,981 --> 00:27:29,150 Babe, I really... 316 00:27:29,183 --> 00:27:30,951 Oh, God. Babe... Oh, ow! 317 00:27:30,985 --> 00:27:32,086 Babe... 318 00:27:32,119 --> 00:27:34,355 Babe... 319 00:27:34,388 --> 00:27:36,724 This is great, right? 320 00:27:36,757 --> 00:27:38,425 I mean, the appraisal looks pretty good. 321 00:27:38,459 --> 00:27:42,696 Yeah, uh, it's yeah, I mean, it's just that 322 00:27:42,730 --> 00:27:47,835 I wasn't expecting so many wires and holes. 323 00:27:47,868 --> 00:27:50,070 A lot of holes. 324 00:27:50,104 --> 00:27:51,372 Yeah. 325 00:27:51,405 --> 00:27:53,340 I mean, look, it's... 326 00:27:53,374 --> 00:27:56,076 it's gonna be hard work, okay? 327 00:27:56,110 --> 00:27:57,711 I'm not gonna lie to you, 328 00:27:57,745 --> 00:27:59,413 but it's not going to be a lot of work. 329 00:27:59,446 --> 00:28:03,350 Just some elbow grease, you know, painting some walls, 330 00:28:03,384 --> 00:28:06,487 spackle some holes, replace the carpet, 331 00:28:06,521 --> 00:28:07,855 fix the banister. 332 00:28:07,888 --> 00:28:09,957 We should put some tiles in, 333 00:28:09,990 --> 00:28:12,459 I think that would be... or you know. 334 00:28:12,493 --> 00:28:14,161 Yeah. And you know, 335 00:28:14,195 --> 00:28:16,063 we probably just have to patch the roof. 336 00:28:16,096 --> 00:28:17,798 Not like, replace the whole thing. It's gonna be fine. 337 00:28:17,831 --> 00:28:19,500 Kinda looks like it needs to be replaced. 338 00:28:19,534 --> 00:28:21,001 But, um, you know what? 339 00:28:21,035 --> 00:28:22,937 You're... you're right. Honestly, 340 00:28:22,970 --> 00:28:24,772 you know what? We... we worked so hard. 341 00:28:24,805 --> 00:28:26,373 We bought this house, and that's all that matters. 342 00:28:26,407 --> 00:28:28,275 And as long as we have a shower 343 00:28:28,309 --> 00:28:30,844 and... and some running water, that's, 344 00:28:30,878 --> 00:28:33,314 you know... You checked the plumbing. 345 00:28:33,347 --> 00:28:36,050 I am going to check the plumbing too. 346 00:28:36,083 --> 00:28:37,851 That's... that's on the list. 347 00:28:37,885 --> 00:28:43,057 So we don't know if we have a shower right now. 348 00:28:43,090 --> 00:28:44,959 - We will. - We will? 349 00:28:44,992 --> 00:28:46,794 - We will! - We will know. 350 00:28:46,827 --> 00:28:51,031 You know how we'll know, because we hired a contractor. 351 00:28:51,065 --> 00:28:52,967 We did. We did that. And that's so great 352 00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:54,101 'cause you emailed the contractor 353 00:28:54,134 --> 00:28:55,936 like I asked you to, right? 354 00:28:55,970 --> 00:28:58,072 He's gonna fix all of this. 355 00:28:58,105 --> 00:29:00,074 This is... this is fine. 356 00:29:00,107 --> 00:29:01,375 What am I stressing about. 357 00:29:01,408 --> 00:29:03,477 We hired the contractor, right? 358 00:29:03,511 --> 00:29:05,946 Who? Who? 359 00:29:07,348 --> 00:29:08,916 The contractor? 360 00:29:08,949 --> 00:29:10,317 I sent you his email address 361 00:29:10,351 --> 00:29:12,853 and you said that you contacted him. 362 00:29:14,021 --> 00:29:16,457 And that he was gonna fix everything. 363 00:29:17,124 --> 00:29:22,296 Babe, I spent all of our money on buying the house, 364 00:29:22,329 --> 00:29:26,066 so there's no money left for a contractor. 365 00:29:26,100 --> 00:29:28,002 We don't have a contractor? 366 00:29:28,035 --> 00:29:31,872 Babe, it's fine. I took shop in high school. 367 00:29:31,905 --> 00:29:33,974 You did honey, and you got an A-plus. 368 00:29:35,209 --> 00:29:41,148 I got a letter with a plus sign after it every semester. 369 00:29:41,181 --> 00:29:43,951 So that's a good sign. 370 00:29:43,984 --> 00:29:47,288 Great. Yeah, that's... that's fine. 371 00:29:47,321 --> 00:29:49,156 You are right. You know what? 372 00:29:49,189 --> 00:29:51,025 Are you sure? 373 00:29:51,058 --> 00:29:53,494 Look, anything that we need to find out, 374 00:29:53,528 --> 00:29:55,597 we look up on the YouTube. 375 00:29:55,630 --> 00:29:59,366 And that way we don't have to pay some dumb plumber 376 00:29:59,400 --> 00:30:02,136 to come down and have us stare at his ass crack 377 00:30:02,169 --> 00:30:05,239 while he, like, hits on you and does shoddy plumbing. 378 00:30:05,272 --> 00:30:07,074 - Right. - We just do it ourselves and we 379 00:30:07,107 --> 00:30:09,511 don't have to pay anybody 'cause the internet is free. 380 00:30:09,544 --> 00:30:13,047 - The internet is free. Right. - You're so cute 381 00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:14,415 when you realize things. 382 00:30:14,448 --> 00:30:16,850 We're gonna make this house so cute. 383 00:30:16,884 --> 00:30:18,485 I love you, shmoopy. 384 00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:21,623 I love you more! No, that nose! 385 00:30:21,656 --> 00:30:23,824 - No, that nose. - You're gonna make it greasy. 386 00:30:24,358 --> 00:30:26,960 - Don't touch it. - Okay, time to work. 387 00:30:26,994 --> 00:30:28,329 Okay. 388 00:30:29,463 --> 00:30:30,931 You do that. 389 00:30:40,107 --> 00:30:41,909 Okay, so you're saying that... 390 00:30:41,942 --> 00:30:43,377 right, that after I nail that one, 391 00:30:43,410 --> 00:30:45,412 after I've sanded and then... 392 00:30:45,446 --> 00:30:47,147 Yeah, I know. Okay. 393 00:30:47,181 --> 00:30:48,583 But what happens to the spackle? 394 00:30:50,117 --> 00:30:51,251 I gotta let you go. 395 00:30:51,285 --> 00:30:53,120 shmoopy, what happened. 396 00:30:53,153 --> 00:30:55,222 You dropped it because you were too busy on the phone 397 00:30:55,255 --> 00:30:56,457 because you're not concentrating. 398 00:30:56,490 --> 00:30:58,258 You're right. 399 00:30:58,292 --> 00:30:59,893 I'm sorry. 400 00:30:59,927 --> 00:31:03,397 Let's just... keep going. Okay? 401 00:31:03,430 --> 00:31:05,899 - Come on, shmoopy. - All right, shmoopy. 402 00:31:05,933 --> 00:31:07,468 I love you, shmoopy. 403 00:31:07,501 --> 00:31:09,236 - I love you. - I love you more. 404 00:31:09,269 --> 00:31:10,971 No, really. I love you more. 405 00:31:11,004 --> 00:31:13,374 - No, I love you more. - No, really. 406 00:31:13,407 --> 00:31:14,475 It's... I love you. 407 00:31:24,017 --> 00:31:27,589 Okay, honey, do you have all the slats in place? 408 00:31:27,622 --> 00:31:29,657 - Yeah, the slats are in. - Perfect. 409 00:31:29,691 --> 00:31:32,359 - Nails are through the hinges. - Awesome. 410 00:31:32,393 --> 00:31:35,996 Yeah, I mean, I think this is pretty well hung. 411 00:31:36,029 --> 00:31:38,365 I just have a question. 412 00:31:38,399 --> 00:31:40,100 - Yeah? - Why is there so much space 413 00:31:40,134 --> 00:31:42,002 between the top and the sides 414 00:31:42,035 --> 00:31:45,139 that kind of defeats the entire purpose of having a door. 415 00:31:45,172 --> 00:31:47,675 Baby, trust me, I looked at the diagnostic 416 00:31:47,709 --> 00:31:49,577 blueprints for the door frame. Okay? 417 00:31:49,611 --> 00:31:51,412 - You did? - Yeah, 418 00:31:51,445 --> 00:31:54,047 there's supposed to be at least one inch of space. 419 00:31:54,081 --> 00:31:56,250 The diagnostic blueprints of the door 420 00:31:56,283 --> 00:31:58,085 told you to have space. 421 00:31:58,118 --> 00:32:03,658 Minimum one inch between door frame and door 422 00:32:03,691 --> 00:32:07,060 for ventilation in case of a fire. 423 00:32:07,094 --> 00:32:09,229 - That's what it said. - I'm going to... All right. 424 00:32:09,263 --> 00:32:10,998 I'm gonna trust you. 425 00:32:11,031 --> 00:32:13,133 This is definitely at least one inch. 426 00:32:13,167 --> 00:32:14,401 You're really smart. 427 00:32:14,435 --> 00:32:16,003 You are. You're... No! 428 00:32:16,036 --> 00:32:18,706 You're... you're a-door-able! 429 00:32:19,473 --> 00:32:22,142 That's too good. I can't top that. That's a... 430 00:32:22,176 --> 00:32:26,246 God, what the hell? 431 00:32:26,280 --> 00:32:28,015 Yeah, I told you that was wrong, 432 00:32:28,048 --> 00:32:30,017 but you just don't want to listen to me, so... 433 00:32:30,050 --> 00:32:31,686 Maybe if you just listened to me sometimes, 434 00:32:31,719 --> 00:32:33,320 you would get things right, but... 435 00:32:33,353 --> 00:32:35,289 When did you tell me that it was wrong? 436 00:32:35,322 --> 00:32:37,191 Yeah, I said, like, "You're doing the whole thing wrong." 437 00:32:37,224 --> 00:32:40,194 Like, three times, but you just ignored me. 438 00:32:40,628 --> 00:32:42,996 Do you have the blueprint there? 439 00:32:44,064 --> 00:32:45,466 You know, I guess I'll find it. 440 00:32:45,499 --> 00:32:47,301 shmoop! 441 00:32:47,334 --> 00:32:50,672 What happened? I thought you were looking at the... 442 00:32:50,705 --> 00:32:53,373 - shmoopy... - Okay, I was making it up. 443 00:32:53,407 --> 00:32:55,342 I'm sorry. I was confused. 444 00:32:55,375 --> 00:32:58,345 - You... No! - I was just playing. 445 00:32:58,378 --> 00:33:00,447 You're such a playful one. 446 00:33:00,481 --> 00:33:02,115 Stop it. 447 00:33:02,149 --> 00:33:03,383 No, you stop! 448 00:33:03,417 --> 00:33:05,285 No. Stop. 449 00:33:05,319 --> 00:33:07,287 - Seriously - No, stop. Stop hitting me. 450 00:33:07,321 --> 00:33:09,289 No, can you... I'm trying to... Can you stop? Stop hitting me. 451 00:33:09,323 --> 00:33:11,058 If you hit me, I'm gonna hit you back. 452 00:33:11,091 --> 00:33:13,561 - Stop hitting me. - As long as I get the last hit. 453 00:33:13,595 --> 00:33:14,762 You're being difficult, shmoop. 454 00:33:14,796 --> 00:33:16,063 Did you just call me difficult? 455 00:33:16,096 --> 00:33:17,599 What? No! 456 00:33:17,632 --> 00:33:19,333 If you call me difficult, I'll gorge your eyes out. 457 00:33:19,366 --> 00:33:22,504 I said, you're being divine, shmoopy. 458 00:33:22,537 --> 00:33:24,639 Stop being so silly. 459 00:33:32,379 --> 00:33:34,348 - Honey? - Yes? 460 00:33:34,381 --> 00:33:38,318 Why are you painting a Z across our brand new wall? 461 00:33:38,352 --> 00:33:40,655 Well, because darling, that is 462 00:33:40,688 --> 00:33:43,056 the most efficient way to paint a wall. 463 00:33:43,090 --> 00:33:46,561 No, actually, according to HowToPaintYourHouse.com, 464 00:33:46,594 --> 00:33:50,765 it most certainly says that you start with a W. 465 00:33:50,798 --> 00:33:53,066 Well, shmoopy, when I was in shop 466 00:33:53,100 --> 00:33:56,203 in high school getting pluses on all my grades 467 00:33:56,236 --> 00:33:59,674 all six years, it was always with a Z shape. 468 00:34:01,241 --> 00:34:04,177 Okay. Well, I really do think 469 00:34:04,211 --> 00:34:07,615 that it should be a W. 470 00:34:10,450 --> 00:34:14,187 I think the Z looks way better. 471 00:34:15,557 --> 00:34:17,257 Really? 472 00:34:17,291 --> 00:34:19,159 I think the W looks better. 473 00:34:19,192 --> 00:34:21,161 What are you gonna do... what do you gonna do about it? 474 00:34:21,194 --> 00:34:22,597 The man says Z! 475 00:34:25,633 --> 00:34:27,467 You don't even have as much paint on me 476 00:34:27,501 --> 00:34:29,604 as I have on you and you've done three passes. 477 00:34:29,637 --> 00:34:31,338 Yeah, well, I'm just being nice. 478 00:34:31,371 --> 00:34:33,173 I'm trying not to stuff up your... 479 00:34:33,206 --> 00:34:36,209 - Z shape! - I'm just a nice person. 480 00:34:36,243 --> 00:34:38,680 - And you... - You can't even get a W 481 00:34:38,713 --> 00:34:40,247 on your husband's chest. 482 00:34:43,551 --> 00:34:45,520 You're almost whiter than this wall! 483 00:34:45,553 --> 00:34:47,522 Your hair glove is falling off! 484 00:34:50,324 --> 00:34:53,160 Look, Z shapes all day, 485 00:34:53,193 --> 00:34:56,263 Z shapes all day, Z shapes all day, 486 00:34:56,296 --> 00:34:57,732 the man says Z. 487 00:34:59,366 --> 00:35:01,301 And calls crocodile tears. 488 00:35:04,706 --> 00:35:06,373 Crocodile tears, shmoops. 489 00:35:57,825 --> 00:36:00,862 I am so sorry. 490 00:36:01,796 --> 00:36:04,398 That was totally a mistake. 491 00:36:04,431 --> 00:36:05,933 I... 492 00:36:05,967 --> 00:36:07,669 I don't even know if I believe that, 493 00:36:07,702 --> 00:36:09,671 - to be honest with you. - shmoopy! 494 00:36:09,704 --> 00:36:11,706 You know I would never try to hurt you. 495 00:36:12,807 --> 00:36:15,576 Who's my favorite shmoopy! 496 00:36:15,610 --> 00:36:17,612 I love you, shmoopy. 497 00:36:17,645 --> 00:36:19,279 Yeah, yeah, whatever. 498 00:36:19,312 --> 00:36:20,848 I love you too, shmoopy. 499 00:36:20,882 --> 00:36:22,884 No, I love you more, shmoopy. 500 00:36:22,917 --> 00:36:24,652 No, I love you more, shmoopy. 501 00:36:24,686 --> 00:36:26,353 No, it's me, I love you more. 502 00:36:26,386 --> 00:36:27,555 - Does this face look amused? - What? 503 00:36:27,588 --> 00:36:29,456 Do I look amused? 504 00:36:29,489 --> 00:36:32,492 You look like you're just having so much fun like me. 505 00:36:32,527 --> 00:36:34,595 So, shmoopy, would you mind handing me 506 00:36:34,629 --> 00:36:38,800 that bucket, please, so I can keep working up here? 507 00:36:38,833 --> 00:36:40,935 - You want the bucket? - Who's my favorite shmoop? 508 00:36:40,968 --> 00:36:42,904 - You want the bucket? - Yeah. 509 00:36:42,937 --> 00:36:44,772 Could you hand me the bucket? Yeah, that'd be really nice. 510 00:36:44,806 --> 00:36:46,674 shmoopy, I love you. 511 00:36:46,708 --> 00:36:48,341 - Love you! - You're my favorite. 512 00:36:48,375 --> 00:36:49,744 - You're my favorite! - Who's got the 513 00:36:49,777 --> 00:36:51,546 best nose in all the land? 514 00:36:51,579 --> 00:36:53,781 - Thank you, shmoopy. - Oh. 515 00:36:53,815 --> 00:36:55,215 Oops. 516 00:36:56,050 --> 00:36:57,719 That's okay. 517 00:36:57,752 --> 00:37:00,487 I love you, still, shmoopy. 518 00:37:00,521 --> 00:37:03,024 But, if next time you could just hand me the bucket 519 00:37:03,057 --> 00:37:05,459 when I ask you to actually hand me the bucket, 520 00:37:05,492 --> 00:37:07,829 I'd really appreciate it, then maybe it wouldn't 521 00:37:07,862 --> 00:37:11,465 come crashing down on your head while I'm working. 522 00:37:11,498 --> 00:37:13,601 I love you. Please keep up your good work. 523 00:37:13,634 --> 00:37:15,368 Thank you, shmoop. 524 00:38:09,924 --> 00:38:12,425 I love you, shmoopy. 525 00:38:13,027 --> 00:38:14,929 Fuck you. 526 00:38:14,962 --> 00:38:16,597 What? 527 00:38:17,464 --> 00:38:19,066 Love you. 528 00:38:19,100 --> 00:38:20,467 Ah! 529 00:38:22,804 --> 00:38:24,437 Time to nail. 530 00:38:30,511 --> 00:38:32,680 What? 531 00:38:36,617 --> 00:38:37,952 Oh! 532 00:38:39,620 --> 00:38:40,922 Ugh... 533 00:38:42,690 --> 00:38:43,925 Does it hurt? 534 00:38:48,162 --> 00:38:52,667 It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, shmoopy. 535 00:38:52,700 --> 00:38:53,935 We're almost done. 536 00:38:55,503 --> 00:38:57,404 Just a little bit more paint and spackle. 537 00:38:57,437 --> 00:38:58,940 We're almost there. 538 00:39:00,708 --> 00:39:02,043 Okay. 539 00:40:04,739 --> 00:40:06,807 What are you... what are you doing? 540 00:40:08,075 --> 00:40:10,211 Cutting ceramic tile. 541 00:40:17,718 --> 00:40:19,787 You got... You gotta to stop. 542 00:40:19,820 --> 00:40:21,622 You gotta stop! 543 00:40:21,656 --> 00:40:22,924 Stop! 544 00:40:24,625 --> 00:40:25,927 Stop! 545 00:40:28,729 --> 00:40:29,897 Stop! 546 00:40:29,931 --> 00:40:31,065 Yes? 547 00:40:31,098 --> 00:40:33,634 That's really dangerous. 548 00:40:33,668 --> 00:40:35,503 Okay? The... 549 00:40:35,536 --> 00:40:39,607 the dust from the tile could go into your lungs and... 550 00:40:39,640 --> 00:40:43,476 and it's... it can kill you and there's no cure, 551 00:40:44,211 --> 00:40:47,014 there is no cure. 552 00:40:47,048 --> 00:40:48,683 Yeah? 553 00:40:48,716 --> 00:40:49,784 Yeah. 554 00:41:08,135 --> 00:41:12,206 I want a divorce. 555 00:41:21,248 --> 00:41:25,853 Oh, honey, I'm sorry. 556 00:41:31,058 --> 00:41:32,159 Sweetie. 557 00:41:33,160 --> 00:41:35,196 shmoop. 558 00:41:35,229 --> 00:41:37,798 Oh! 559 00:41:37,832 --> 00:41:39,033 Oh! 560 00:41:39,066 --> 00:41:40,735 Oh, God. 561 00:41:40,768 --> 00:41:42,570 Oh you, bitch. 562 00:41:44,271 --> 00:41:46,273 Oh, you bitch! 563 00:41:46,307 --> 00:41:48,943 You know when I told you I loved your old sugar cookies? 564 00:41:48,976 --> 00:41:50,544 Yeah? 565 00:41:50,578 --> 00:41:52,747 I lied. That shit tastes like camel spit. 566 00:41:57,051 --> 00:41:59,020 Oh, God! 567 00:42:02,757 --> 00:42:05,092 Ow! 568 00:42:14,935 --> 00:42:17,138 Oh fuck you, shmoopy. 569 00:42:17,838 --> 00:42:19,206 Fuck you too, shmoopy. 570 00:42:20,808 --> 00:42:22,910 Till death do us fucking part, bitch. 571 00:42:22,943 --> 00:42:25,212 ...Ow! 572 00:42:25,846 --> 00:42:28,182 Ow! Fuck! 573 00:42:29,050 --> 00:42:31,218 God damn it! 574 00:42:31,919 --> 00:42:34,955 Ow! 575 00:42:34,989 --> 00:42:37,124 Fuck you, shmoopy. 576 00:42:37,158 --> 00:42:38,993 God damn it. 577 00:42:39,026 --> 00:42:40,161 Gah! 578 00:42:48,302 --> 00:42:50,137 Ugh! 579 00:43:08,756 --> 00:43:11,325 Oh God, why? 580 00:43:19,867 --> 00:43:24,004 I love you, shmoop. 581 00:43:24,038 --> 00:43:26,774 I love you. 582 00:45:05,206 --> 00:45:07,107 Wow. Wasn't that something 583 00:45:07,141 --> 00:45:08,976 with all that blood flying around? 584 00:45:09,009 --> 00:45:11,212 I'm not sure I'm gonna eat my cereal now, 585 00:45:11,245 --> 00:45:13,314 but that raises the question, 586 00:45:13,347 --> 00:45:14,748 is cereal soup? 587 00:45:14,782 --> 00:45:15,950 You know, when you were a kid, 588 00:45:15,983 --> 00:45:17,484 you made soup out of stones. 589 00:45:17,519 --> 00:45:19,887 Why can't you make soup out of cereal 590 00:45:19,920 --> 00:45:21,789 if you really want to? You know, 591 00:45:21,822 --> 00:45:23,224 there's a cereal that kind of has 592 00:45:23,257 --> 00:45:25,025 a rabbit whenever you see it on TV. 593 00:45:25,059 --> 00:45:27,194 You can make soup out of rabbit. 594 00:45:27,228 --> 00:45:29,263 So why can't you make soup out of cereal? 595 00:45:29,296 --> 00:45:32,766 You know, why don't we put some carrots and celery in it 596 00:45:32,800 --> 00:45:34,401 and have the cereal with carrots and celery? 597 00:45:34,435 --> 00:45:35,903 Then it really would be soup, wouldn't it? 598 00:45:38,105 --> 00:45:40,542 You know, chop in some celery, and some onions, 599 00:45:40,575 --> 00:45:43,444 and some carrots, and now you've got cereal soup. 600 00:45:43,477 --> 00:45:46,080 Stop. Get away from me. 601 00:45:52,953 --> 00:45:55,389 Well, I don't think you'd like the cereal 602 00:45:55,422 --> 00:45:57,358 with carrots and celery in it now. 603 00:45:57,391 --> 00:45:59,093 I don't think so. 604 00:45:59,126 --> 00:46:00,861 So, let's just come to a conclusion. 605 00:46:00,894 --> 00:46:02,830 - Cereal is not soup. - Get away from me. 606 00:46:02,863 --> 00:46:04,798 Get away from me! 607 00:46:33,927 --> 00:46:35,896 For our next story, we join 608 00:46:35,929 --> 00:46:38,399 a very rich businessman and his daughter 609 00:46:38,432 --> 00:46:41,502 as they share coffee in downtown Manhattan. 610 00:46:55,115 --> 00:46:57,184 This is so unfair. 611 00:46:58,252 --> 00:46:59,853 Tiffany, life is unfair. 612 00:46:59,887 --> 00:47:02,256 But you are being more than unfair. 613 00:47:02,289 --> 00:47:04,391 Look, fair is my middle name. 614 00:47:04,425 --> 00:47:06,260 Just ask my bridge partners 615 00:47:06,293 --> 00:47:08,395 or even the guys on the trading floor. 616 00:47:08,429 --> 00:47:11,865 You saw me talk to the chauffeur the other day, 617 00:47:11,899 --> 00:47:15,269 I told him he has every right to be as rich as I am. 618 00:47:15,302 --> 00:47:17,004 All he has to do is work for it. 619 00:47:18,573 --> 00:47:22,343 I started my business with a couple of million dollars. 620 00:47:22,376 --> 00:47:24,244 He could do the same. 621 00:47:24,278 --> 00:47:26,080 But obviously he's lazy. 622 00:47:26,914 --> 00:47:29,016 Otherwise, he wouldn't still be driving cars. 623 00:47:30,451 --> 00:47:33,854 He's not Mexican lazy, but... still. 624 00:47:35,489 --> 00:47:37,224 He gets what he deserves. 625 00:47:37,257 --> 00:47:39,360 I get what I deserve. 626 00:47:39,393 --> 00:47:40,928 And you get what you deserve. 627 00:47:40,961 --> 00:47:42,229 And I deserve this. 628 00:47:44,064 --> 00:47:46,534 It's just a camping trip with my friends. 629 00:47:48,936 --> 00:47:51,038 And why haven't I ever met these friends? 630 00:47:51,071 --> 00:47:52,574 I mean, what are they like? 631 00:47:52,607 --> 00:47:54,576 They're nice people, Daddy. 632 00:47:54,609 --> 00:47:56,009 Nice. 633 00:47:56,678 --> 00:47:59,413 So you like one of them, 634 00:47:59,446 --> 00:48:01,215 some cute boy, perhaps? 635 00:48:01,248 --> 00:48:02,950 Maybe. 636 00:48:04,385 --> 00:48:06,153 What's his name? 637 00:48:06,186 --> 00:48:07,955 - Is it the Wellingworth boy... - No, Daddy, 638 00:48:07,988 --> 00:48:09,223 you don't know him. 639 00:48:09,256 --> 00:48:12,459 His name is... Vinnie. 640 00:48:15,530 --> 00:48:17,965 Vinnie. Oh, Jesus. 641 00:48:17,998 --> 00:48:19,500 Are you telling me he's Italian? 642 00:48:20,200 --> 00:48:22,236 He's really sweet. 643 00:48:22,269 --> 00:48:24,706 Sweet. What does his father do? 644 00:48:24,739 --> 00:48:27,474 Okay, I don't know. I think he's a plumber. 645 00:48:27,509 --> 00:48:29,644 Oh, my God. Oh... 646 00:48:29,677 --> 00:48:32,079 Are you trying to give me a heart attack? 647 00:48:32,112 --> 00:48:34,616 All right. You know what? This is just... 648 00:48:34,649 --> 00:48:38,252 It's just... All right. Yeah. Hang on. 649 00:48:38,285 --> 00:48:40,354 Here, wait a minute. 650 00:48:40,387 --> 00:48:42,089 I'll tell you what, 651 00:48:42,122 --> 00:48:43,558 why don't you go shopping this weekend instead? 652 00:48:44,692 --> 00:48:48,462 Wouldn't you prefer a nice bracelet or a pretty dress? 653 00:48:48,495 --> 00:48:52,032 No, I want to go camping. 654 00:48:52,065 --> 00:48:53,635 I worked hard to get into the school 655 00:48:53,668 --> 00:48:55,235 that you wanted me to go to. 656 00:48:55,269 --> 00:48:58,506 You chose Princeton, not me. 657 00:48:58,540 --> 00:49:00,708 Don't I deserve a little bit of a reward? 658 00:49:02,276 --> 00:49:04,712 It's just a trip with my friends. 659 00:49:08,015 --> 00:49:10,083 You don't get it, sweetie. 660 00:49:10,117 --> 00:49:11,318 They're not your friends. 661 00:49:11,351 --> 00:49:13,521 They hate you. They hate me. 662 00:49:15,422 --> 00:49:19,126 We are what they would call one percenters. 663 00:49:19,159 --> 00:49:23,531 Your friends are... not. 664 00:49:23,565 --> 00:49:25,567 They're the 99 belower. 665 00:49:25,600 --> 00:49:28,570 And Vinnie, he may even be a negative five. 666 00:49:30,103 --> 00:49:32,306 Look, your friends have been brainwashed 667 00:49:32,339 --> 00:49:34,576 into believing that you and I hate America, 668 00:49:35,677 --> 00:49:37,512 but in fact, it's them who hate America. 669 00:49:38,412 --> 00:49:39,980 And everything it stands for. 670 00:49:40,648 --> 00:49:44,418 Now, really, if you want to go ahead and feel common, 671 00:49:44,451 --> 00:49:46,621 why don't you buy yourself a little Hermes bracelet 672 00:49:46,654 --> 00:49:48,690 or some little thing like that 673 00:49:48,723 --> 00:49:50,625 and forget about the camping nonsense? 674 00:49:50,658 --> 00:49:53,460 Okay, first of all, Daddy, it's "air-mes." 675 00:49:53,494 --> 00:49:58,265 Second of all, in three months, I'm going to be in Princeton, 676 00:49:58,298 --> 00:50:00,501 making my own mistakes, getting drunk, 677 00:50:00,535 --> 00:50:04,572 failing midterms, eating pizza with the wrong fork. 678 00:50:04,606 --> 00:50:07,107 You're not going to be there to save me. 679 00:50:07,140 --> 00:50:09,677 I need to start learning from my own mistakes. 680 00:50:12,346 --> 00:50:14,381 It's just a weekend. 681 00:50:14,414 --> 00:50:16,818 Think of it as training wheels. 682 00:50:16,851 --> 00:50:20,522 Come... come on, Daddy. I've earned this. 683 00:50:20,555 --> 00:50:23,090 Fine, fine. 684 00:50:23,123 --> 00:50:25,425 But you're taking your cell phone, 685 00:50:25,459 --> 00:50:27,194 you're turning it on, 686 00:50:27,227 --> 00:50:29,697 and most importantly... 687 00:50:29,731 --> 00:50:31,498 call us if you need it. 688 00:50:31,533 --> 00:50:33,066 Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. 689 00:50:33,100 --> 00:50:35,369 You are the best daddy ever. 690 00:50:37,271 --> 00:50:39,406 Vinnie. 691 00:50:40,608 --> 00:50:42,442 This is not going to end well. 692 00:51:11,338 --> 00:51:14,341 Hey, Tiffany, look, I pissed on myself. 693 00:51:15,543 --> 00:51:17,645 You must be very proud of yourself. 694 00:51:17,679 --> 00:51:19,514 No, no, actually, I just... I didn't pee on myself, 695 00:51:19,547 --> 00:51:21,348 I just sprayed beer all over. 696 00:51:22,684 --> 00:51:25,452 Wait! Do you want to take a closer look? 697 00:51:29,524 --> 00:51:31,291 So what's up, what did you want to show me? 698 00:51:31,325 --> 00:51:34,161 I got this... this thing for Tiffany. 699 00:51:34,194 --> 00:51:35,697 Oh yeah, I saw you put it in your pocket. 700 00:51:35,730 --> 00:51:37,464 Yeah, I'm kind of nervous. 701 00:51:37,497 --> 00:51:38,900 - It's a big weekend for me. - Don't be nervous. 702 00:51:38,933 --> 00:51:40,668 - Let me see it. - All right. 703 00:51:40,702 --> 00:51:42,737 - Yeah, definitely. - How big is it? 704 00:51:42,770 --> 00:51:44,304 It's not that big. 705 00:51:44,338 --> 00:51:46,206 Oh, you're probably being modest. 706 00:51:46,239 --> 00:51:48,342 Come on. Just show me. Hold on. Oh, wait, here she comes. 707 00:51:48,375 --> 00:51:50,243 Can we go somewhere else? 708 00:51:50,277 --> 00:51:52,479 Listen, you having a good time? 709 00:51:55,516 --> 00:51:57,150 Can you just give me a moment? 710 00:51:57,184 --> 00:51:58,820 We can go somewhere and have a talk, 711 00:51:58,853 --> 00:52:00,555 I just want to finish the conversation with Maureen. 712 00:52:02,389 --> 00:52:04,726 Listen, just try to have fun. 713 00:52:05,860 --> 00:52:07,494 You're much prettier when you smile. 714 00:52:08,930 --> 00:52:10,598 We'll be right back. 715 00:52:49,937 --> 00:52:53,574 Yeah. So, I mean, I know this is crazy, but, um... 716 00:52:54,441 --> 00:52:55,576 I'm crazy about her. 717 00:52:55,610 --> 00:52:57,612 - Aw! - And I know that 718 00:52:57,645 --> 00:53:00,280 we've only been dating for, like, three months, but... 719 00:53:01,649 --> 00:53:03,283 Think I'm gonna ask her to marry me. 720 00:53:03,316 --> 00:53:04,652 What? That's amazing! 721 00:53:04,686 --> 00:53:06,253 Yeah, I'm going to do it this weekend. 722 00:53:15,697 --> 00:53:18,398 - Well, do you have it with you? - Yeah, I do. 723 00:53:18,432 --> 00:53:20,601 I mean, I've only been carrying it around with me all day. 724 00:53:20,635 --> 00:53:22,970 Let me see it, let me see it. How are you gonna do it? 725 00:53:23,004 --> 00:53:24,672 Are you gonna get down on one knee? 726 00:53:24,706 --> 00:53:26,440 Are you gonna just, like, spring it on her? Like... 727 00:53:26,473 --> 00:53:27,809 - I... I don't know. - That's... 728 00:53:34,381 --> 00:53:36,884 - That is so amazing. - Thanks. 729 00:53:42,056 --> 00:53:44,491 - Oh, she's gonna love that. - You think so? 730 00:53:44,525 --> 00:53:46,326 Is there something on it? 731 00:53:46,359 --> 00:53:48,428 Yeah, there's an inscription I had them put on it. 732 00:53:56,436 --> 00:53:58,506 That is so sweet. 733 00:53:58,539 --> 00:54:00,842 Oh, yes, she is going to love that. 734 00:54:00,875 --> 00:54:02,877 Perfect find. Absolutely. 735 00:54:02,910 --> 00:54:04,679 Thank you so much. I really appreciate that. 736 00:54:04,712 --> 00:54:05,980 I just had to tell somebody. 737 00:54:06,013 --> 00:54:07,782 My God, I'm so excited for you. 738 00:54:07,815 --> 00:54:09,684 Thank you. 739 00:54:21,328 --> 00:54:23,664 Vinnie, Vinnie? Vinnie, are you okay? 740 00:54:23,698 --> 00:54:26,534 - Oh, my God, what happened? - It was an accident. 741 00:54:26,567 --> 00:54:29,971 Oh, Vinnie. Oh, my God, you shot him. You shot him! 742 00:54:30,004 --> 00:54:32,339 Wait, wait! Let's think about this first. 743 00:54:32,372 --> 00:54:33,808 Oh, my God! Vinnie, Vinnie? 744 00:54:33,841 --> 00:54:35,308 We're going to get into so much trouble! 745 00:54:35,342 --> 00:54:36,644 What are you talking about? 746 00:54:36,677 --> 00:54:38,012 You're gonna get in so much trouble. 747 00:54:38,045 --> 00:54:39,580 - Oh, my God. - Let's call my dad first. 748 00:54:39,614 --> 00:54:40,848 He has a big time attorney. 749 00:54:40,882 --> 00:54:42,083 We can get out of it. 750 00:54:42,116 --> 00:54:44,018 We? Are you crazy? 751 00:54:44,051 --> 00:54:46,821 - Oh, my God. - Wait! 752 00:54:46,854 --> 00:54:48,556 Vinnie? 753 00:54:48,589 --> 00:54:49,991 Vinnie? Oh! 754 00:54:51,458 --> 00:54:52,593 Oh, my God. 755 00:55:03,704 --> 00:55:05,706 You can forget about Princeton, 756 00:55:05,740 --> 00:55:08,910 maybe a community college, if you're lucky. 757 00:55:09,944 --> 00:55:13,514 Remember this phrase, "You want fries with that?" 758 00:55:13,948 --> 00:55:15,716 You're going to be saying that for the next 759 00:55:15,750 --> 00:55:16,751 50 years of your life. 760 00:55:20,655 --> 00:55:24,892 You gave up your life for a reefer baked goombah? 761 00:55:25,526 --> 00:55:29,063 Who would bang your best friend if you turn your back on him? 762 00:55:33,100 --> 00:55:34,669 Boy, I'll say you made a mistake 763 00:55:34,702 --> 00:55:36,671 when I wasn't there watching you. 764 00:55:36,704 --> 00:55:38,039 I can't fix this. 765 00:55:38,072 --> 00:55:40,808 Now you go and you fix it. 766 00:56:28,488 --> 00:56:30,524 - Run! - What? 767 00:56:38,966 --> 00:56:40,868 Wait... 768 00:56:40,902 --> 00:56:42,937 Tiffany, did you just shoot Vinnie? 769 00:57:22,076 --> 00:57:23,811 Nobody else has to die, Maureen. 770 00:57:25,246 --> 00:57:27,181 We can tell the police that Hank and Vinnie 771 00:57:27,214 --> 00:57:28,749 were in some weird love duet 772 00:57:28,783 --> 00:57:29,917 and that they killed each other. 773 00:57:30,618 --> 00:57:32,954 What? What are you talking about? 774 00:57:34,221 --> 00:57:36,257 Hank wasn't going anywhere. 775 00:57:36,290 --> 00:57:38,159 A misogynistic date rape drunk 776 00:57:38,192 --> 00:57:40,094 who barely got out of high school. 777 00:57:40,127 --> 00:57:43,030 Nobody is going to miss an idiot who works at Wal-Mart. 778 00:57:43,064 --> 00:57:44,665 You're crazy. 779 00:57:44,699 --> 00:57:46,499 I heard you got into Penn State. 780 00:57:47,868 --> 00:57:49,804 Hey, it's not Princeton, but you're smart. 781 00:57:51,772 --> 00:57:53,274 Not as smart as me, but... 782 00:57:53,307 --> 00:57:55,776 get with the program, you know what's going on. 783 00:57:58,612 --> 00:58:00,581 Maureen... 784 00:58:00,614 --> 00:58:02,883 my daddy's lawyer can work miracles. 785 00:58:02,917 --> 00:58:05,219 Please don't make the same mistake your friends made. 786 00:58:05,252 --> 00:58:08,222 - What are you talking about? - Stay in your lane. 787 00:58:23,604 --> 00:58:25,806 Oh, shit! Are you okay? 788 00:58:34,015 --> 00:58:35,282 Help! 789 00:58:36,250 --> 00:58:37,752 Help! 790 00:58:40,721 --> 00:58:42,690 Oh, God! Oh, God! 791 00:58:51,866 --> 00:58:53,701 I'm sorry. 792 01:00:16,951 --> 01:00:19,220 Dad! 793 01:00:19,253 --> 01:00:20,988 you were right, my... 794 01:00:21,021 --> 01:00:23,224 my friends, they tried to kidnap me for ransom 795 01:00:23,257 --> 01:00:27,094 and they just went crazy and started shooting each other. 796 01:00:29,430 --> 01:00:31,165 I'm going to need a lawyer. 797 01:00:33,300 --> 01:00:35,936 Please help me, I don't know what to do. 798 01:00:35,970 --> 01:00:37,972 Please, please, please. 799 01:00:39,173 --> 01:00:42,076 Please, help me! 800 01:01:09,170 --> 01:01:10,938 Hey Tiff! Tiff, guess... 801 01:01:10,971 --> 01:01:13,240 guess what I just go on my gender studies exam. 802 01:01:13,274 --> 01:01:14,742 You're not gonna believe this. 803 01:01:14,775 --> 01:01:17,144 A double D. 804 01:01:17,178 --> 01:01:20,714 - A double D, get it? - I just pissed myself. 805 01:01:20,748 --> 01:01:23,450 I'm kidding, it's just beer. 806 01:01:25,186 --> 01:01:27,254 - What? - Ugh, whatever. 807 01:01:32,960 --> 01:01:34,695 Can I call you back? 808 01:01:37,464 --> 01:01:40,201 Can we go somewhere else? 809 01:01:40,234 --> 01:01:41,468 You're not having fun? 810 01:01:42,770 --> 01:01:44,271 No, Trevor. 811 01:01:44,972 --> 01:01:46,240 Okay, in a minute. 812 01:01:46,273 --> 01:01:47,474 I'll go upstairs to talk to Brenda, 813 01:01:47,509 --> 01:01:48,943 and I'll be right back down. 814 01:01:51,412 --> 01:01:54,114 All right. Come on. Try to have some fun. 815 01:01:54,148 --> 01:01:55,382 You're much prettier when you smile. 816 01:02:46,000 --> 01:02:49,370 Ooh, there was some hunting in that... oh, in that story. 817 01:02:49,403 --> 01:02:51,338 Rifle work, shotgun work. 818 01:02:51,372 --> 01:02:53,173 Oh, my word. 819 01:02:53,207 --> 01:02:55,075 You know, rich people like to go hunting. 820 01:02:55,109 --> 01:02:57,411 They like to go after animals like elephants 821 01:02:57,444 --> 01:02:59,947 and bison and stuff like that. 822 01:02:59,980 --> 01:03:01,348 If animals could talk, what would they say 823 01:03:01,382 --> 01:03:02,983 about being shot at? 824 01:03:03,017 --> 01:03:04,451 And who would be the rudest one? 825 01:03:04,485 --> 01:03:06,820 Which animal would not take so well 826 01:03:06,854 --> 01:03:09,356 to being shot at by voicing their opinion? 827 01:03:09,390 --> 01:03:11,125 Which one do you think? 828 01:03:22,169 --> 01:03:23,605 What the hell? 829 01:03:49,531 --> 01:03:51,432 You know what I think? 830 01:03:51,465 --> 01:03:53,334 I think the rudest animal would be a sloth. 831 01:03:53,367 --> 01:03:55,469 All they want to do is hang around 832 01:03:55,502 --> 01:03:57,471 and if you try to get them to do something, they'll say, 833 01:03:58,439 --> 01:04:01,942 "Yeah, get the fuck away from me, pal." 834 01:04:01,975 --> 01:04:05,647 That's rude. Mm. Or maybe a turtle, the same way. 835 01:04:05,680 --> 01:04:08,115 The turtle, though, he can beat the rabbit. 836 01:04:45,319 --> 01:04:47,321 Our newest story is about the times 837 01:04:47,354 --> 01:04:50,491 when you think you're there, but you're not there. 838 01:04:50,525 --> 01:04:53,360 It's almost as if you're invisible. 839 01:05:18,520 --> 01:05:21,255 Alexandra, tell me something I want to hear. 840 01:05:21,288 --> 01:05:22,590 The Raymond Grant book, 841 01:05:22,624 --> 01:05:24,491 did you get his daughter to sign on? 842 01:05:24,526 --> 01:05:27,027 Yes. Well, sir, we actually had a really good meeting. 843 01:05:27,060 --> 01:05:28,429 I think we're going to get the deal. 844 01:05:28,462 --> 01:05:30,097 All right. Very good. 845 01:05:30,130 --> 01:05:31,965 Give me her number so I can give her a ring. 846 01:05:31,999 --> 01:05:33,635 I actually didn't get her number. 847 01:05:35,235 --> 01:05:38,071 Alex, you spoke to Jasmin Grant today, 848 01:05:38,105 --> 01:05:40,508 and you didn't get her number? Why? 849 01:05:40,542 --> 01:05:42,443 I didn't want to push it. 850 01:05:42,476 --> 01:05:44,445 She's going through a lot. I'll just give her some space. 851 01:05:44,478 --> 01:05:46,180 She has my card. 852 01:05:46,213 --> 01:05:48,248 Push it. We're all going through a lot. 853 01:05:48,282 --> 01:05:50,484 Do you have any idea how many publishers 854 01:05:50,518 --> 01:05:53,020 are knocking on that decrepit door to get to that book? 855 01:05:53,053 --> 01:05:55,355 This is a big deal. This book is gonna be huge. 856 01:05:56,156 --> 01:05:57,559 What's it about anyway? 857 01:05:57,592 --> 01:05:59,326 She doesn't even know. 858 01:06:00,294 --> 01:06:02,095 Raymond had deadlines, 859 01:06:02,129 --> 01:06:04,331 and he was constantly missing all the deadlines. 860 01:06:04,364 --> 01:06:07,134 For all we know, it could be a collection of just Post-Its. 861 01:06:08,235 --> 01:06:09,537 Right. Post-Its. 862 01:06:11,071 --> 01:06:14,441 Yeah, right. We were probably gonna drop him anyway. 863 01:06:14,475 --> 01:06:17,144 Last couple of films flopped at the box office. 864 01:06:17,177 --> 01:06:19,046 Book sales tanked. 865 01:06:19,079 --> 01:06:21,114 He kept saying, "I just need one, one more hit and... 866 01:06:21,148 --> 01:06:22,282 I'm back on top." 867 01:06:24,051 --> 01:06:26,654 Exactly, we all thought he just had a writer's block. 868 01:06:26,688 --> 01:06:29,223 You know, his best stuff was his early work. 869 01:06:29,256 --> 01:06:31,325 Towards the end... 870 01:06:31,358 --> 01:06:33,528 Just like bands, win three albums, 871 01:06:33,561 --> 01:06:35,362 after that they all suck. 872 01:06:35,395 --> 01:06:37,264 Same thing. 873 01:06:37,297 --> 01:06:38,465 You know what happens to those bands 874 01:06:38,499 --> 01:06:39,366 when their front man dies? 875 01:06:40,768 --> 01:06:42,770 Everybody and their mother is clawing to get 876 01:06:42,804 --> 01:06:44,639 the last album because it might be worth something, 877 01:06:44,672 --> 01:06:46,406 even though they haven't had a hit in two decades. 878 01:06:47,642 --> 01:06:49,176 Hmm? 879 01:06:49,209 --> 01:06:50,377 No, yeah, you're right. 880 01:06:52,145 --> 01:06:53,213 You're right, I'll get onto it. 881 01:06:53,247 --> 01:06:54,682 - When? - Now. 882 01:06:54,716 --> 01:06:57,184 Perfect. That's what I want to hear. 883 01:06:57,819 --> 01:07:00,454 And if I didn't tell you that your job depended on this one, 884 01:07:00,487 --> 01:07:02,289 well, I'd be lying. 885 01:07:02,322 --> 01:07:04,626 - So let me know. - Okay. 886 01:07:19,707 --> 01:07:22,476 Well, those are the perils of being invisible. 887 01:07:22,510 --> 01:07:24,478 That's why they wear those yellow vests 888 01:07:24,512 --> 01:07:26,514 out on the highway, right? 889 01:07:26,548 --> 01:07:28,516 Invisible man would never work on the highway. Oh my. 890 01:07:28,550 --> 01:07:32,319 Anyway, the question we need to address right now is 891 01:07:32,352 --> 01:07:34,254 how many chickens would it take 892 01:07:34,288 --> 01:07:35,455 to kill an elephant? 893 01:07:43,565 --> 01:07:44,632 Hello? 894 01:07:47,569 --> 01:07:49,604 Hello? 895 01:07:59,279 --> 01:08:00,414 Hello? 896 01:08:04,418 --> 01:08:06,219 Jasmin? 897 01:08:11,491 --> 01:08:13,160 Hello? 898 01:08:14,829 --> 01:08:16,363 Hello? 899 01:08:18,198 --> 01:08:19,634 Anyone home? 900 01:08:22,737 --> 01:08:27,609 !Oye! ¿Qué te pasa? ¿Qué tu haces en mi casa? 901 01:08:29,343 --> 01:08:31,813 !Esperate! No soy. 902 01:08:47,762 --> 01:08:51,532 Um, would it take 500 elephant-sized chickens 903 01:08:51,566 --> 01:08:53,735 to kill an elephant-sized chicken? 904 01:09:03,978 --> 01:09:06,246 I'm gonna... I'm gonna go with, 905 01:09:06,279 --> 01:09:08,716 it's gonna take one elephant-sized chicken 906 01:09:08,750 --> 01:09:10,350 to kill an elephant. 907 01:09:10,384 --> 01:09:11,853 And that would be one big chicken. 908 01:09:11,886 --> 01:09:15,790 When he pecks, earthquake time. 909 01:09:15,823 --> 01:09:18,860 Our next story is about a conference of scientists. 910 01:09:18,893 --> 01:09:21,361 It's a typical scientific meeting 911 01:09:21,395 --> 01:09:24,699 where some scientists are more welcome than others. 912 01:10:00,034 --> 01:10:03,437 Why the hell do we have to live in a castle? 913 01:10:03,470 --> 01:10:04,806 It's just one of the many perks 914 01:10:04,839 --> 01:10:06,574 of being a mad scientist, my darling. 915 01:10:06,607 --> 01:10:08,308 But you're not mad. 916 01:10:08,341 --> 01:10:10,477 - No. - You're not even annoyed. 917 01:10:10,511 --> 01:10:12,446 You're... 918 01:10:12,479 --> 01:10:13,648 Perky. 919 01:10:13,681 --> 01:10:15,817 Why the hell are you so perky? 920 01:10:17,417 --> 01:10:19,554 It's your birthday. 921 01:10:19,587 --> 01:10:22,289 That's says 50. Do I look 50? 922 01:10:22,322 --> 01:10:23,825 Uh, no, no, no. 923 01:10:23,858 --> 01:10:25,760 And you do not look 50 the other eight times 924 01:10:25,793 --> 01:10:27,528 we celebrated your 50th birthday either. 925 01:10:27,562 --> 01:10:30,598 Seven. I am 57. 926 01:10:30,631 --> 01:10:33,333 Do I look 58? 927 01:10:33,768 --> 01:10:36,303 Why can't you invent something useful, 928 01:10:36,336 --> 01:10:37,739 like an anti-aging formula 929 01:10:37,772 --> 01:10:39,774 and not roller skates for squirrels? 930 01:10:40,808 --> 01:10:43,678 Well, I will admit to a bit of a dry period lately, 931 01:10:43,711 --> 01:10:46,313 but honestly, this cake is del... Oh! 932 01:11:00,494 --> 01:11:01,629 Don't worry, baby. 933 01:11:01,662 --> 01:11:03,698 It's just a little bit stuck. 934 01:11:03,731 --> 01:11:05,900 You'll be fine. 935 01:11:05,933 --> 01:11:07,635 Just stay still. Don't move. 936 01:11:07,668 --> 01:11:10,037 You're not moving. You're good at not moving. 937 01:11:10,071 --> 01:11:11,572 Oh! 938 01:11:11,606 --> 01:11:15,843 Honey, honey, honey! Honey, you okay? 939 01:11:51,846 --> 01:11:53,848 She's alive! 940 01:11:53,881 --> 01:11:55,082 She's alive! 941 01:11:55,116 --> 01:11:56,717 She's... 942 01:11:57,484 --> 01:11:58,753 Crapola! 943 01:12:20,007 --> 01:12:21,809 She's alive! 944 01:12:21,843 --> 01:12:23,476 She's alive! 945 01:12:23,511 --> 01:12:24,846 Motherfucker! 946 01:12:39,560 --> 01:12:41,729 Mr. Frankenstein. 947 01:12:41,762 --> 01:12:43,898 Dr. Frankenstein, actually. 948 01:12:43,931 --> 01:12:45,867 Whatever. What is it this time? 949 01:12:45,900 --> 01:12:48,636 I was wondering if I could borrow a little power, 950 01:12:48,669 --> 01:12:49,937 just as scooch. 951 01:12:49,971 --> 01:12:51,639 Power. 952 01:12:51,672 --> 01:12:52,940 That's all you mad scientists think about, 953 01:12:52,974 --> 01:12:55,843 power to rule the world. 954 01:12:55,877 --> 01:12:57,477 Well, I don't think you even have enough power 955 01:12:57,511 --> 01:12:58,913 to mow your lawn. 956 01:12:58,946 --> 01:13:00,915 Ah, yes, the death weeds. 957 01:13:00,948 --> 01:13:02,984 Well, I promise to get to them next Tuesday. 958 01:13:03,017 --> 01:13:06,554 There was an experiment that went wrong. 959 01:13:06,587 --> 01:13:08,890 - Sorry about the dog. - What? 960 01:13:08,923 --> 01:13:10,925 Huh? What? 961 01:13:10,958 --> 01:13:14,028 Look, last week it was a cup of sugar, 962 01:13:14,061 --> 01:13:16,463 the week before that it was tea bags. 963 01:13:16,496 --> 01:13:18,599 Now this. 964 01:13:18,633 --> 01:13:20,735 What do you need my electricity for? 965 01:13:22,203 --> 01:13:24,572 Just to reanimate the dead. 966 01:13:24,605 --> 01:13:25,740 It's no biggie. 967 01:13:25,773 --> 01:13:26,974 Very low power consumption. 968 01:13:28,609 --> 01:13:30,678 - Huh. - Yeah, it's... 969 01:13:30,711 --> 01:13:32,680 funny, actually. Funny story. 970 01:13:32,713 --> 01:13:34,849 I accidentally killed my wife, and you know, 971 01:13:34,882 --> 01:13:37,752 I would like to see her back so, if I could just... 972 01:13:37,785 --> 01:13:39,921 Yeah, whatever. 973 01:13:39,954 --> 01:13:41,454 Thank you. 974 01:13:41,488 --> 01:13:43,157 What a bitch. 975 01:14:05,546 --> 01:14:06,948 She's alive. 976 01:14:06,981 --> 01:14:08,649 She's alive! 977 01:14:50,257 --> 01:14:53,027 What the fuck are you doing? 978 01:14:53,060 --> 01:14:55,930 Just checking to see if you're alive again. 979 01:14:55,963 --> 01:14:57,798 Again? 980 01:14:57,832 --> 01:15:00,634 Did you fucking kill me? 981 01:15:00,668 --> 01:15:02,803 Just temporarily. You're a lot better now. 982 01:15:02,837 --> 01:15:04,205 Look, you're siting up and everything. 983 01:15:04,972 --> 01:15:07,008 You stabbed me? 984 01:15:07,041 --> 01:15:10,578 Oh, my God, you better not have left a scar. 985 01:15:10,611 --> 01:15:14,181 No, you look as lovely as ever. 986 01:15:14,215 --> 01:15:15,716 Where's the mirror? 987 01:15:16,884 --> 01:15:19,720 Where's that damn mirror? 988 01:15:19,754 --> 01:15:21,155 Well, there's one by the kitchen, there's another one 989 01:15:21,188 --> 01:15:22,790 in the bathroom... let's go this way. 990 01:15:22,823 --> 01:15:24,291 This is a nice big one. 991 01:15:24,325 --> 01:15:27,795 Victor, you motherfucker. I'm hideous! 992 01:15:28,796 --> 01:15:30,264 Only on the outside. 993 01:15:30,297 --> 01:15:32,533 I mean, beauty's only skin deep. 994 01:15:33,034 --> 01:15:34,235 Oh, God. 995 01:15:34,268 --> 01:15:35,970 Oh, God. What has he done? 996 01:15:38,339 --> 01:15:41,876 Honey, what are you doing? 997 01:15:45,079 --> 01:15:47,314 You know, it's not so bad... 998 01:15:47,348 --> 01:15:49,316 With a little make up on 999 01:15:49,350 --> 01:15:51,752 you'll be as beautiful as the day I met you. 1000 01:15:55,222 --> 01:15:56,791 Honey? 1001 01:15:56,824 --> 01:15:58,726 Honey boo-boo? 1002 01:16:11,172 --> 01:16:13,641 I don't know what happened. 1003 01:16:13,674 --> 01:16:16,043 You must have tripped and accidentally swallowed 1004 01:16:16,077 --> 01:16:18,179 all those pills, but do not worry. 1005 01:16:18,212 --> 01:16:20,047 Threw them all out. We'll be just fine. 1006 01:16:20,081 --> 01:16:22,616 Right. An accident. 1007 01:16:22,650 --> 01:16:25,352 I got a little surprise for you. 1008 01:16:25,386 --> 01:16:27,354 - What? - Upstairs, 1009 01:16:27,388 --> 01:16:29,123 I set up the VCR with all those tapes 1010 01:16:29,156 --> 01:16:30,758 of you winning the beauty contest. 1011 01:16:30,791 --> 01:16:33,027 I know how that cheers you up. 1012 01:16:33,060 --> 01:16:35,129 We'll go upstairs and watch them, yeah? Come on. 1013 01:16:35,162 --> 01:16:36,297 Come on. 1014 01:16:51,946 --> 01:16:53,681 There she is! 1015 01:16:53,714 --> 01:16:55,783 Oh, my God. Honey, you are so... 1016 01:16:55,816 --> 01:16:58,152 Oh, by the way, 1017 01:16:58,185 --> 01:17:00,855 I was thinking about how to deal with, 1018 01:17:00,888 --> 01:17:02,957 let's call them blemishes on your face, 1019 01:17:02,990 --> 01:17:06,160 and while you were away, 1020 01:17:06,193 --> 01:17:07,995 I took an art class. 1021 01:17:08,028 --> 01:17:09,830 I think I was able to reconstruct 1022 01:17:09,864 --> 01:17:11,265 your face really well. 1023 01:17:11,298 --> 01:17:13,767 Oh, yeah? You fixed me. 1024 01:17:15,136 --> 01:17:17,972 So you're telling me I'm as beautiful as I was before? 1025 01:17:18,005 --> 01:17:20,441 Even better, and I got a perfect score 1026 01:17:20,474 --> 01:17:22,176 from my art teacher. 1027 01:17:22,209 --> 01:17:23,978 I don't know. 1028 01:17:24,011 --> 01:17:26,914 It doesn't feel right. 1029 01:17:26,947 --> 01:17:29,016 What artist did you study? 1030 01:17:29,049 --> 01:17:30,351 Picasso! 1031 01:17:39,960 --> 01:17:42,029 What the hell is this? 1032 01:17:42,062 --> 01:17:45,332 I knew your affections for the cat were very strong, so. 1033 01:17:46,133 --> 01:17:50,337 You attached Fifi to me? 1034 01:17:50,371 --> 01:17:52,806 Yes! Don't you love it? 1035 01:17:52,840 --> 01:17:54,875 Now, you guys will never be separated. 1036 01:17:54,909 --> 01:17:58,279 What the fuck is wrong with you? 1037 01:17:58,312 --> 01:17:59,980 Wait, you don't like this? 1038 01:18:02,517 --> 01:18:04,084 Fifi? 1039 01:18:04,118 --> 01:18:05,886 If that's Fifi, 1040 01:18:05,920 --> 01:18:08,455 who the hell is this you've attached to me? 1041 01:18:09,290 --> 01:18:12,993 I don't know, he was back by the dumpsters. 1042 01:18:13,027 --> 01:18:15,763 So cute, looks just like Fifi, doesn't it? 1043 01:18:18,232 --> 01:18:19,900 Uh... 1044 01:18:19,934 --> 01:18:22,203 Think of it as like a windshield wiper, 1045 01:18:22,236 --> 01:18:25,806 you grow used to it, your friends will be jealous. 1046 01:18:38,886 --> 01:18:43,224 Victor, stop bringing me back. 1047 01:18:43,257 --> 01:18:45,025 But I love you! 1048 01:18:45,059 --> 01:18:48,162 But I don't love living this way. 1049 01:18:48,195 --> 01:18:50,898 What can I do to make you happy? 1050 01:18:50,931 --> 01:18:53,100 You can make me beautiful again. 1051 01:18:53,133 --> 01:18:55,836 But you already are beautiful. 1052 01:18:55,869 --> 01:18:57,471 No, I'm not. 1053 01:18:57,504 --> 01:18:59,907 You're the most beautiful women that I know. 1054 01:18:59,940 --> 01:19:01,976 I'm ugly. 1055 01:19:02,009 --> 01:19:03,511 You're a masterpiece. 1056 01:19:03,545 --> 01:19:05,112 Your delicate hands... 1057 01:19:05,145 --> 01:19:06,847 Hand. 1058 01:19:06,880 --> 01:19:09,383 Your wonderful eyes. Your beautiful smile. 1059 01:19:09,416 --> 01:19:12,554 Your radiance knows no bounds. 1060 01:19:12,587 --> 01:19:14,556 You really think so? 1061 01:19:14,589 --> 01:19:16,790 I most certainly do, my darling. 1062 01:19:16,824 --> 01:19:18,192 Then kiss me. 1063 01:19:19,893 --> 01:19:21,996 - What? - Kiss me. 1064 01:19:22,029 --> 01:19:25,199 If I'm not vile to look at then make love to me. 1065 01:19:28,202 --> 01:19:30,237 If I'm as beautiful as ever, 1066 01:19:30,271 --> 01:19:34,808 then you should want to pounce on me right now. 1067 01:19:35,376 --> 01:19:36,810 I... 1068 01:19:39,480 --> 01:19:41,115 Crapola. 1069 01:19:43,618 --> 01:19:45,953 Are you sure you're in the mood, honey? 1070 01:19:45,986 --> 01:19:47,921 - Yes. - Because, you know, 1071 01:19:47,955 --> 01:19:49,256 we could watch television or something. 1072 01:19:49,290 --> 01:19:52,359 Make me feel beautiful. 1073 01:19:52,393 --> 01:19:54,061 Yeah. Cool. Cool, cool. Sure. 1074 01:20:05,039 --> 01:20:07,875 Okay, okay. Let's do this. 1075 01:20:24,291 --> 01:20:26,293 Is it good for you, baby? 1076 01:20:26,327 --> 01:20:29,531 I should have made the daddy hole a little bit bigger. 1077 01:20:32,567 --> 01:20:35,102 Oh, it's the balloon. 1078 01:20:35,135 --> 01:20:36,538 Just the balloon. 1079 01:21:25,152 --> 01:21:28,055 Are you okay, Victor? 1080 01:21:28,088 --> 01:21:32,092 Yeah, that was amazing, baby. 1081 01:21:34,161 --> 01:21:36,130 Just like our wedding night. 1082 01:21:38,165 --> 01:21:41,536 You have definitely not aged one bit. 1083 01:21:41,569 --> 01:21:44,338 Oh, my God. 1084 01:21:44,371 --> 01:21:46,907 Oh, I'll get it, baby. 1085 01:21:49,276 --> 01:21:51,245 I ordered dinner. 1086 01:21:51,278 --> 01:21:55,282 So you just stay there and bask in the glory of... my love. 1087 01:21:55,315 --> 01:21:57,017 I'll get the dinner. 1088 01:21:58,520 --> 01:22:00,487 Magic pizza! 1089 01:22:00,522 --> 01:22:05,392 We deliver in less than five hours or your soda is half off. 1090 01:22:05,426 --> 01:22:08,162 Yes. Wonderful, wonderful. Honey! 1091 01:22:08,195 --> 01:22:09,664 I'm just going to get some pizza, 1092 01:22:09,697 --> 01:22:11,666 put in the blender for your food hole. 1093 01:22:11,699 --> 01:22:13,568 Let's see what I got there. 1094 01:22:13,601 --> 01:22:15,502 How are you doing, buddy? What's your name? 1095 01:22:15,537 --> 01:22:16,970 Fuck off. 1096 01:22:17,004 --> 01:22:19,541 Fuckov? Is that Russian? Fuckov? 1097 01:22:19,574 --> 01:22:22,109 Say, there's something on your roof. 1098 01:22:22,142 --> 01:22:24,077 Huh? What? 1099 01:22:33,086 --> 01:22:34,656 Oh, shit. 1100 01:22:38,025 --> 01:22:39,594 Aw! 1101 01:22:45,265 --> 01:22:47,067 What are you complaining about? 1102 01:22:48,603 --> 01:22:51,773 It's only been a couple of weeks, you'll get used to it. 1103 01:22:51,806 --> 01:22:55,543 Besides, not only did you get your second hand back, 1104 01:22:55,577 --> 01:22:58,278 but you have a third one as a spare. 1105 01:23:01,181 --> 01:23:03,751 Hey! Those are my lips. 1106 01:23:03,785 --> 01:23:06,053 Ah, Fuckov. I'm sorry, I keep forgetting. 1107 01:23:06,086 --> 01:23:08,489 You're a very good kisser, though. 1108 01:23:15,229 --> 01:23:18,165 Nibbling on your ears is positively delicious. 1109 01:23:18,198 --> 01:23:21,301 Victor, this has to stop. 1110 01:23:21,335 --> 01:23:23,470 What? I can always get more pizza. What you think? 1111 01:23:23,504 --> 01:23:25,205 He's the only pizza guy in the world, baby? 1112 01:23:25,239 --> 01:23:27,809 I'm done. I want out. 1113 01:23:27,842 --> 01:23:29,744 Okay, you want to go out? 1114 01:23:29,777 --> 01:23:31,245 Let's see, we could go to the park 1115 01:23:31,278 --> 01:23:33,180 if we go out the backdoor... 1116 01:23:33,213 --> 01:23:35,750 I want a divorce. 1117 01:23:37,084 --> 01:23:38,352 What? 1118 01:23:38,385 --> 01:23:40,655 Look at me. Just look at me. 1119 01:23:41,823 --> 01:23:45,125 Can you honestly tell me I'm beautiful? 1120 01:23:46,326 --> 01:23:47,227 Honestly. 1121 01:23:48,262 --> 01:23:50,364 I'm not gonna lie, it's taking a little bit 1122 01:23:50,397 --> 01:23:52,099 to get used to you new features but you know, 1123 01:23:52,132 --> 01:23:53,635 I'm getting there. I'm getting there. 1124 01:23:53,668 --> 01:23:55,637 We all change physically. 1125 01:23:57,672 --> 01:24:00,140 It's not the physical things that are important, though. 1126 01:24:00,173 --> 01:24:02,644 I did not fall in love with you for your beauty alone. 1127 01:24:02,677 --> 01:24:04,812 I fell in love with you for your kindness and 1128 01:24:04,846 --> 01:24:07,147 your sense of humor and the way you cheered me up 1129 01:24:07,180 --> 01:24:08,415 when my experiments went wrong, 1130 01:24:08,448 --> 01:24:09,851 and you had to do that quite a bit. 1131 01:24:09,884 --> 01:24:11,753 Am I kidding? No. 1132 01:24:13,688 --> 01:24:16,624 The heart does not use the eyes to see. 1133 01:24:16,658 --> 01:24:21,161 True beauty can not be reflected in the mirror. 1134 01:24:21,194 --> 01:24:25,399 I love you. The real you, the deep down inside you. 1135 01:24:25,432 --> 01:24:28,803 Nothing could change that, ever. 1136 01:24:28,836 --> 01:24:30,437 You know, they call me a mad scientist. 1137 01:24:30,470 --> 01:24:32,172 Well, yes, I am mad. 1138 01:24:33,173 --> 01:24:34,776 I'm mad about you. 1139 01:24:35,843 --> 01:24:37,411 You know what? 1140 01:24:37,444 --> 01:24:39,714 I have a cousin who's a plastic surgeon. 1141 01:24:39,747 --> 01:24:42,149 I'm sold. Goodbye, Victor. 1142 01:24:42,182 --> 01:24:43,450 Have a nice life. 1143 01:24:43,483 --> 01:24:45,485 Wait... 1144 01:24:45,520 --> 01:24:48,121 wait, what? What? 1145 01:24:48,155 --> 01:24:49,591 What? 1146 01:24:50,223 --> 01:24:55,663 Wait, wait, wait, wait. 1147 01:24:55,697 --> 01:24:58,733 Wait, wait. 1148 01:25:07,675 --> 01:25:10,277 A monster, kill it! 1149 01:25:53,220 --> 01:25:54,656 Oh, hey. 1150 01:25:54,689 --> 01:25:56,490 Oh, great, great read. 1151 01:25:56,524 --> 01:25:59,661 You must be, are you... are you representing Jasmin? 1152 01:25:59,694 --> 01:26:02,697 I will have my people talk to Jasmin. 1153 01:26:02,730 --> 01:26:04,766 You must be her boyfriend, right? 1154 01:26:04,799 --> 01:26:06,834 Okay, I really have to go. 1155 01:27:02,657 --> 01:27:04,391 Jasmin, darling. 1156 01:27:04,424 --> 01:27:06,694 Fantastic seeing you. 1157 01:27:06,728 --> 01:27:08,029 Thank you. Thank you. 1158 01:27:08,062 --> 01:27:09,864 We here at Snake Oil Publishing, 1159 01:27:09,897 --> 01:27:11,566 we love the book. 1160 01:27:11,599 --> 01:27:13,433 We just loved it. 1161 01:27:13,467 --> 01:27:14,602 You actually read it? 1162 01:27:14,635 --> 01:27:16,604 Oh, no. 1163 01:27:16,637 --> 01:27:18,706 But I talked to my people on the phone 1164 01:27:18,740 --> 01:27:21,876 and they could not stop screaming about it. 1165 01:27:21,909 --> 01:27:23,978 Oh, I see. 1166 01:27:24,011 --> 01:27:25,913 Mh-mm. I talked to the distributors 1167 01:27:25,947 --> 01:27:29,349 and they say the new Raymond Castle book 1168 01:27:29,382 --> 01:27:30,885 is going to be huge. 1169 01:27:30,918 --> 01:27:32,587 - Well, that's great news. - Yeah, 1170 01:27:32,620 --> 01:27:34,522 we're gonna have tons of copies in Wal-Mart, 1171 01:27:34,555 --> 01:27:36,958 in Barnes & Noble. 1172 01:27:36,991 --> 01:27:39,459 It's gonna be the next Goosebumps. 1173 01:27:39,493 --> 01:27:41,863 Oh, that's good. Good. 1174 01:27:41,896 --> 01:27:44,832 This book, it's gonna be killer. 1175 01:27:50,403 --> 01:27:52,372 Well, I hope so. 1176 01:27:59,597 --> 01:28:04,597 Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull 77807

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