Original subtitles

["I'll Understand" by Roza]

♪ Have to go, have to go, have to go ♪

♪ Have to go, have to go, have to go ♪

♪ The end of the world

♪ At the palm of my hand

♪ When it all goes to hell

♪ Will you still be my friend? ♪

[eerie music]

[Natalie] I have to do it again.

I see no other way.

[loud buzzing]

[Natalie] If you could see what I see...

the way that I see it...

you would understand.

It's all about perception.

An entire school of thought exists claiming...

explaining that reality

is just a series of perceptions.

[Jim] Now, if that were true,

don't you think you could change it?

[Natalie] I'm going to.

You see, I believe--

I know it's all locked in space.

It's all still happening.

[record starts playing smooth jazz]

It's like a record.

When it's playing, it's happening.

It's a story that's alive.

Like it has life.

♪ The end of the world at the... ♪

[Natalie] But it's not.

It's locked.

Frozen in the wind.

From the very same time...

and it's always there,

just sitting.

Trapped.

[melancholy music]

[whooshing]

[Natalie] Reality is like a record.

[machine clicks]

[electrical humming]

[Natalie] The trick is...

getting it to play again.

[man] Miss Derkins.

He'll see you now.

[Jim] Hey, Natalie.

Glad you could make it this week.

[Natalie] I want to do it again.

I know you do.

But I know--

You know that's not real.

Not something you can do, anyway.

Listen.

Take a breath. Close your eyes.

It's only an exercise.

[faint street din]

[inhales]

[exhales]

[eerie piano music]

[Jim] Good. What do you see?

You know what I see.

It's the same every time.

The hill--

[Jim] You're holding, you know you are.

-Why? -I just want to do it again.

I know. I know.

Now, let's just get back to--

Have you ever heard of George Berkeley?

Um, yeah.

Yes, Berkeley.

-Well, he said-- -"To be is to be perceived."

Right.

Basically, it's this whole thing about

how nothing actually exists unless there's somebody

who's actively perceiving it.

But how would that work?

I mean, the rocks in the woods.

Well, Berkeley said there's a great perceiver.

-God? -[chuckles] No.

God's too passive.

I think that we--

I think that people are actively perceiving

their own reality into existence.

So there is no God.

We're all gods.

[faint street din]

I just want to do it again.

[footsteps]

[door slides]

[street din]

You shouldn't smoke.

It's cheaper than therapy.

So tell me more about this perception.

Kind of over it.

-You're afraid of what I write? -No.

Okay.

[dog barking]

What?

It bothers you.

Nothing bothers me.

Natalie, unless I'm confused, you want to be God.

Something must be bothering you.

I want to be in control of my own reality.

I want to be the perceiver.

Not God.

Right, well...

you see in Berkeley's world, in his ideology...

God is the receiver...

everything exists.

The rocks in the woods,

the plants at the bottom of the ocean,

the wind in the desert

because it's being perceived by God.

So how does that undo what happened?

You got a lot of planes here.

Airport's just over there.

[calm music]

[Natalie] You say nothing can undo what happened.

[Jim] Time flows forward.

Nothing changes that.

I was contacted by the FBI.

What are you doing?

What did they want?

You need to be careful.

Did you tell them about me?

No, no.

Our conversations are protected.

For now.

I have to make this happen.

-Natalie, what happens if you-- -I'll die.

Are you threatening to take your own life?

No.

But I'm going to die one way or another, right?

Natalie, I can't help you if I don't know your plan.

[electrical buzzing noise]

[door clicks]

[serene piano music]

[knocking on door]

[door clicks]

Natalie Derkins?

Are you Natalie Derkins?

-Yeah. -Special Agent Nuñez.

I have some questions to ask you.

May I come in?

♪

-Do you want some water? -No, thank you.

Do you know why I'm here, Miss Derkins?

Well, much of your recent buying activity

is drawing some attention.

We'll just pretend like this is enough.

It's not, but, uh, I'd really like

to see somebody pull this off.

How is that any of your concern, sir?

You see, my department is sort of a--

We watch what people buy.

Then we determine if we need to see

what they're doing with their purchases.

You know, some a--

some math major with a minor in poly sci

buys two tons of fertilizer.

Maybe I need to come see if he's doing something--

If he's building a bomb?

Doing something he shouldn't.

But your idea is interesting.

[paper rustling]

This is what I'm trying to build.

Trying to change the past through perception.

So, how are you connecting perception to reality?

Perception is reality.

Imagining is not being.

If that were true, the Cubs would have won

the World Series by now.

How are you connecting the then to the now?

Sleeping pills.

Sensory cues,

the way that his jacket felt,

the music that we listened to...

cigarette smells.

Sure, so some fake VR?

I need it to be more than that.

I need it to be real.

I'm not building a bomb.

If you were clean, you wouldn't protest so much.

I protested once.

While I'm here.

So, I think you get the point

and I think you know where I'm going with this.

What is it that you think I've bought?

It wasn't two tons of fertilizer.

What could you possibly think that I have?

It's not what I think you have.

We're not the brightest over at the FBI,

but I'll tell you what we don't do.

You don't buy into any crazy theories or throw hunches.

I know what you have.

You've recently managed to obtain these materials,

Miss Derkins.

None of these are illegal to own.

Maybe not, but rarely do people buy these combinations

in these kinds of quantities.

Otherwise, I wouldn't be here.

On top of that with your major in engineering

and your minor in philosophy.

Do I need to get my lawyer?

Do you?

Can I use the bathroom?

♪

[rustling]

You're talking about quantum immortality...

the idea that a particle can exist

in two places simultaneously.

Two different realities.

You know, like if you were to die

in one of them, well, then--

You could live in the other one.

Yeah, um...

your little doodle here might do it,

but it's kind of like

trying to get to Mars on a steam engine.

You're going to need some rocket fuel.

And a lot of people have gotten screwed up,

and a couple of people have died trying to pull

-this sort of thing off. -I don't care.

You're really going to be juicing your brain.

And Natalie, if certain people figure out

you're trying to pull this off

they're going to want to stop you.

I won't let them.

Do you have any more questions for me?

Should I?

What if I'm not satisfied with any of your answers?

Well, then I would get satisfied.

Miss Derkins, you do realize that my being here means

you're being investigated by the FBI.

I'm tired.

I guess I could just go home then.

Yeah. I guess you could.

Miss Derkins, I'm not going anywhere

until you tell me what I need to know.

What is it that you need to know?

Why did you buy these items?

I don't have to explain anything to you.

Now, unless it has become illegal

for me to legally obtain items

that are legal to use in your household...

then I don't know, yeah, maybe you can contact my lawyer.

Do you want me to call him?

Because if not, get out.

I'm sorry to bother you.

Good.

You might want to talk to that lawyer, though.

Let me know, I'll be back soon.

Also, you should know that it's a federal offense

to threaten an agent with a loaded weapon.

Good day, Miss Derkins.

[piano music]

[plane engine roars]

[Jim] So you think you can change the past by--

[Natalie] Remembering it differently.

If I can convince myself,

I mean, really convince myself then...

maybe it'll be real.

-If you perceive it to be. -Yeah.

Natalie, you know, it'll never be real.

The second you come back from new memories,

it'll be smoke.

It's like dreams.

They never rewrite what's real.

But if I can just force it...

I can convince myself.

You could really hurt yourself.

What if you had a stroke or an aneurysm?

You could OD.

I would rather die

in a memory that I can choose...

than live in a future where I can't.

♪

[heavy breathing]

-[Natalie] I need more. -[Jim] Natalie.

I'm really worried about you.

It's the only way that I sleep.

[whooshing fades]

[water gushing]

["I'll Understand" by Roza]

♪ Have to go, have to go

♪ Have to go, have to go

♪ The end of the world

♪ At the palm of my hand

♪ When it all goes to hell

♪ Will you still be my friend? ♪

♪ My face to the sea

♪ My back to the land

♪ If you can't come with me

♪ I'll understand

♪ I'll understand

♪ Can we meet in the dark?

♪ We don't have to say much

♪ And if you have to go

♪ Have to go...

[eerie violin music]

[music fades]

[calm music]

♪

♪

Cigarettes.

You should really stop smoking those.

Okay.

Yeah?

Yeah...

today's it.

Today's my last day.

[music cuts out]

[Natalie] I wish that I hadn't always pushed him on that.

I wish I hadn't made him feel like

he was doing something wrong.

[Jim] You cared about him.

You were trying to keep him from--

Dying?

I just wish that he didn't have that last memory, you know?

The last thing that ever happened to him was--

The last thing that I ever did to him was--

just do something to make him feel bad

about choices that he made.

So now you smoke.

Yeah, well, I guess every cigarette is an effigy to him.

-You bought a gun. -You would buy a gun, too,

if it happened to you.

[lighter clicks]

[pills rattle]

♪

♪

[birds chirping]

♪

♪

[Jim] You know the gun isn't the only reason

I'm worried.

[Natalie] I know.

[ominous music playing]

[Natalie] I need them.

Natalie, you have to start

making steps away from this.

Meet new people.

I'm not talking about dating,

I'm just talking about moving forward.

To what?

[Natalie] We connect with people.

We have to.

But people go.

They always go.

To me, it seems

you can either experience the same pain again

and again with different people...

or you can let one be enough.

Right, but for you, pain isn't an experience...

it's an existence.

[ominous music]

[Natalie] Please give me the pills.

Please, it's the only way that I can live.

[Jim] Live?

Oh, you're doing a lot of things, a lot.

Addiction, denial, alienation.

But living isn't one of your talents.

-You have to help me. -I have to treat you.

It is the only way that we can be together.

Just listen to yourself.

I can change things, I can change it.

He is dead.

Wesley is dead.

I'm sorry.

He's gone.

Please give me the pills.

If you're going to keep chasing a ghost...

I can't go with you any further.

[whimpering] Please give me the pills.

I will find a way.

[Natalie] I have to.

[steam whistling]

[birds chirping]

Why did you bring this?

I'm sorry.

I just wanted to cheer you up.

No, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Rebecca.

Nat, it's okay.

So, what's going on?

I wish I could do something, anything.

I fucking hate this.

I know.

[Rebecca] And I hate that fucking thing, too.

-Why? -It just doesn't seem safe.

So, what am I supposed to tell Mom?

Oh, Natalie's fine, she's just

losing her brain hole a little bit

and playing with some super dangerous electric hats?

All right, you know what?

Obviously, I am not handling this up to your standards.

What am I supposed to say?

-[Rebecca] You could talk. -I am.

So, that's not going well.

I mean, how is that going?

It's not going well.

Why isn't it going well?

He doesn't like the way that I think.

And what are you thinking?

Well, I could explain it to you

as an overly intellectual thought process

that concerns time and how it relates to death.

I can't say I like it.

Yeah, well, fuck you.

What are these thoughts on time?

-[Natalie] It's dumb. -Well, I'm here

-to listen to it. -No.

No, you're here because you're worried.

Yes, Natalie, I'm worried.

Time's not a fluid.

I mean, not-- not the way that people

would normally think that it is.

I mean, time is--

Fluids aren't even fluids.

They can be fluids...

they can be solids...

they can be...

gases.

So, why is it that time can't be the same?

Moldable.

Because it's fucking not.

I'm going to go buy you some milk.

Okay?

And some things that go with milk.

-All right? -Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Rebecca, I'm sorry.

You're a good sister.

[Rebecca] Why are you sorry?

I just am.

[delicate piano music]

[Natalie] Some particles are incapable

of existing on their own.

These are free radicals.

Electrons

separated from their partner particles.

Raging with negative energy.

They charge through the ether.

Destroying everything in their path.

They'll push through anything...

just looking for safety.

The free radical will crash its way

through the entire universe, searching.

Destined to find its place.

Or burn out trying.

When you get even closer,

you can see that it's all quantum mechanics.

It's the sort of thing that can make this possible.

I just have to make it work.

That's your explanation.

-My explanation-- -For what

-you've been buying up. -[Natalie] Yes.

You expect me to believe

that you've been building some kind of time-altering device.

It's more of a mind-altering device, but--

-Mind-altering? -Yes.

Look, I can build the machine, I just--

-I just need the code. -And some rocket fuel.

I'd love to see you try.

Have you ever heard of George Berkeley?

The philosopher.

I don't know Geo-- I know law enforcement, all right?

I'm sure you don't think I can read or write.

So, spare me your education and tell me what it is

-that you're actually building. -I am.

Miss Derkins, I feel like I've made it really clear

that you need to stop messing around with me.

[piano music]

[hissing]

[electric buzzing]

[electricity crackling]

[beeping]

Fuck!

[beeping continues]

[Agent Nuñez] I will find something.

I will get a warrant, and whatever it is

you're building, I will take it.

[eerie music]

[bottles clattering]

-Can I use your bathroom? -Yeah, yeah, sure.

It's-- It's right around the corner.

[eerie pulsing electronic music]

♪

[tap running]

[tap shuts off]

♪

♪

-Need help? -Uh, no.

Did you flush? I did-- I didn't hear you flush.

I didn't flush, I washed my hands.

-Do you need help? -No, um,

I'm just looking for this.

Found it.

[exhaling]

♪

Hey.

Yeah, that guy we talked about...

I need his number.

[somber piano music]

[sobbing]

♪

♪

[record player clicking]

[solemn piano music plays on record player]

["I'll Understand" by Roza]

♪ Have to go, have to go, have to go ♪

♪ Have to go, have to go, have to go ♪

♪ The end of the world

♪ At the palm of my hand

♪ When it all goes to hell

♪ Will you still be my friend? ♪

♪ My face to the sea

♪ And my back to the land ♪

♪ If you can't come with me ♪

♪ I'll understand

♪ I'll understand

♪ Can we meet in the dark? ♪

♪ We don't have to say much

♪ And if you have to go

♪ Have to go...

[song fades into serene piano music]

♪

[birds chirping]

[gagging]

[vomiting]

[vomiting and coughing]

[sobbing]

♪

♪

[ominous whooshing builds]

[Natalie] You don't believe me.

But that's fine.

Necessity is the mother of invention.

I don't need you to believe in me.

I just need to do it.

Miss Derkins, I'm coming back with a warrant.

♪

♪

I will find what I'm looking for and when I do,

I'm gonna take it.

I promise.

[pulsing electronic music]

[thunderous booming, music cuts out]

[machine clicking, whirring]

[loud buzzing]

[buzzing stops]

Hi.

Hi. [chuckles]

[serene piano music]

[Natalie] It's not working.

I-- I mean-- I mean, it is,

but I can't change anything.

♪

♪

Oh, okay, so, yesterday I heard this song.

And it reminded me of you, but you-- you be the judge.

-Okay. -All right. You ready?

-Uh-huh. -You're sitting down, right?

-Okay, good. -Yeah.

All right.

["I'll Understand" by Roza]

♪ Have to go, have to go

♪ The end of the world

♪ At the palm of my hand...

I like it.

♪ When it all goes to hell... ♪

-Yeah. -Kind of classy, right?

I-- I like it.

[both giggling]

♪ My face to the sea

♪ And my back to the land...

[sweeping, ethereal music]

What?

You're pretty, do you know that?

[Natalie scoffs]

Babe, come on.

It's gonna get dark.

And bring the bag.

[Natalie] I knew I could do it.

It works.

But it feels locked.

Rigid.

Almost insurmountable.

♪

Cigarettes.

Yeah.

You should really stop smoking those.

Okay.

Yeah?

Yeah.

That's it, done.

Today is my last day.

[music fades out]

[Natalie] I think different things...

but I can't say them.

[gentle music]

[Natalie] I want to do different things,

but I can't do them.

♪

Little things change.

I know what's happening.

But I can't.

I can't even tell him to run.

[Natalie] My goodness, ooh.

Ugh. Yeah, [indistinct], babe.

You're gonna be 21 forever.

[indistinct chatter]

-So, I brought... -Yeah.

... some of this.

-Some Merlot? -For you.

[making fanfare noise]

-So, I brought... some wine. -This is 2011.

Mm-hmm, nothing but the best for you.

Mm-hmm, I like that.

Yeah, yeah. Um...

I think I got the right kind, 'cause I know you drink white.

Thank you.

-[indistinct]. -The red kind.

-[laughing] -I like red.

I think that's what it says on here, red--

-The red kind. -Red-- Red kind.

-Oh, thank you, babe. -Uh-huh.

My goal up here is to get you,

like, hammered drunk.

-Okay, hammered. -Yeah. Yeah.

-All right. -Uh-huh.

'Til we can't feel feelings.

Oh, I don't-- I don't-- I don't know.

-[indistinct]. -Cheers.

Yeah, cheers.

-Hmm. -Hmm.

[both laughing]

-All right. Okay, all right. -Babe.

So, I want to take...

just a couple photos of you.

-Of me? Just me? -Mm-hmm.

Well, I'll take one of you first.

-Okay. -And then we'll take one of us

-together. -Okay.

-That sound good? -Yeah.

Okay. All right. So...

Oh, wait, are these for the-- for the fridge?

-Huh? -Are these for the fridge

-or what? -These are for--

It's for my apartment.

I wanna have lots of pictures

like your friends who have all those photos.

You want me-- You want me to be a-- a tiger in this?

What's my motivation?

Oh. Oh! Are you modeling for me?

-Yeah. -Okay.

Give you a look here--

or, I just smelled something weird.

[Natalie laughs]

-Yeah. -Okay. All right.

-[shutter clicking] -Oh. [laughs]

Oh, okay.

-Defending America. -Uh-huh.

Rawr. Um...

Come-- here. Do-- Do another one.

-Do another one. -Okay.

-You're so good at this. -Uh, high school.

-Oh, my gosh. -High school yearbook.

You look very fancy.

Oh, yes.

-Yes. Keep going. -Work it, tiger.

Work it.

Wesley, he's a stud.

[both laughing]

What did your-- What did the caption under your

senior yearbook picture say?

The caption under my senior yearbook-- uh...

I think it said,

"Are-- Are those your pants or mine?"

-They let you do that? -Yeah.

[laughing]

-[Wesley] We've got company. -[Natalie] Who is that guy?

I thought we were alone up there.

-You think he'll take a photo? -Yeah.

There's no one else up here,

so how about we do a selfie in the meantime?

[Natalie] All right. Okay.

[shutter clicking]

[indistinct].

Hey, you okay?

[loud buzzing]

[Natalie screams]

[buzzing cuts out]

Wesley, honey.

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

-[Wesley] What-- what... -[Natalie] Oh, my God.

Please, baby, baby, stay-- baby, look at me.

-[Wesley] Is it bad? Is it bad? -Baby, I love you so much.

I lo-- It's fine. It's-- Babe-- Oh, shit.

[Wesley whimpering] Oh, God.

Baby, s-- you're fine.

You're gonna be okay.

[Wesley, slurred] Oh, God, it looks bad.

Yes, I have an emergency.

I am at the top of a hill in El Sereno--

I'm-- I'm-- Baby, stop it, stop it, baby.

It's in El Sereno. Please.

There was a man, he came up,

he stabbed my boyfriend.

My boyfriend's been stabbed.

El Sereno.

Can't you trace the fucking phone?

[sobbing]

Please.

Baby, stop it, baby, baby, baby.

Please don't--

Stop. I don't know. I don't know what to do.

He's been stabbed in the stomach.

Yes, please, please.

[Wesley] Okay. I'm okay.

-[Natalie sobbing] -Okay. Okay...

They're coming. They're coming.

They're coming.

[whirring]

Baby, they're coming.

They're coming, they're coming, they're coming.

They're coming.

They're coming.

I love you so much.

[sobbing]

[panting]

[sniffles]

It's real.

It's terrible.

But the machine works.

Natalie, this has gone too far.

You don't even know what's going to happen.

[Natalie] Neither do you.

But we both know what will happen...

if I don't do this.

If I don't try.

This ends one way or another.

[ominous music]

♪

You're pretty, you know that?

-Cigarettes. -Yeah.

You should really stop smoking those.

Okay.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

[Natalie screams]

[Natalie] If I could change one thing...

[sobbing]

If I could just manage to fix one thing...

I could change it all.

What?

You're pretty, do you know that?

[Natalie scoffs]

Babe, come on.

It's gonna get dark.

And bring the bag.

-Cigarettes. -Yeah.

You should really stop smoking those.

You're pretty, do you know that?

Babe, come on.

-Cigarettes. -Yeah.

[Wesley] I'm okay...

-I'm okay. I'm okay... -[Natalie sobbing]

[car door clicks]

What?

You're pretty, you know that?

[Natalie scoffs]

Babe, come on.

Cigarettes.

Oh, my God.

Please, baby, baby, stay-- baby, look at me.

Baby, I love you so much.

I lo-- It's fine. It's fine...

[Natalie] But I can't change a thing.

Yes, I have an emergency.

♪

[music fades out]

[solemn piano music]

[Natalie sobbing]

♪

[gun clicks]

[static noise]

[gun clicks]

[gun cocks]

[Agent Nuñez] Can I use your bathroom?

[Natalie] Yeah.

[gun cocks]

[gun clanks]

You really shouldn't have a gun anyways.

My therapist said that it was okay.

I highly doubt that.

I'm really worried about you, Natalie.

I don't want you to hurt yourself.

[Natalie] I'm fine.

Hey, this is Rebecca, leave a message.

[Natalie] I...

I loved Wes.

Too much.

Way too much.

But I can't undo that.

I can't undo how I felt.

Feel.

Any more than I can change what happened.

And you were right.

I'll hurt myself to get away from this.

[loud electric buzzing]

I'd die to get away from this.

But that won't bring him back.

So... I'll keep trying.

What?

You're pretty, you know that?

Thank you.

[Natalie] Until I can't anymore,

until the air that I breathe is gone.

All I can do now is to be happy to remember.

And fight as hard as I can.

Always.

To fix it.

We can change the way we remember things.

And who's to say that's not real?

Because while you remember it one way...

[static crackling]

I'm going to remember it the way I have to.

I can't live any other way.

I loved him too much.

[loud crackling and buzzing]

And I will save him somehow.

I'm gonna be okay.

This isn't the end.

[door opening]

Time will march on,

pretending to flow, to move.

[gasping and sobbing]

[Natalie] People think I can't change my past.

I think they're wrong.

But I promise.

One thing will never change:

[knocking on door]

how much I love you.

♪

[Wesley] We're good, we're good.

We're so good.

[Natalie] Oh, God...

[breathing shakily]

You're good. You're good...

♪

[sweeping music]

♪

[Natalie] Like I said.

It's like playing a record.

When it's playing, it's happening.

It's a story that's alive.

Like it has life.

But it's not.

It's locked.

Frozen in the vinyl.

The same every time.

Trapped.

The trick is...

getting it to play again.

["I'll Understand" by Roza]

♪ Have to go, have to go, have to go ♪

♪ Have to go, have to go, have to go ♪

♪ The end of the world

♪ At the palm of my hand

♪ When it all goes to hell

♪ Will you still be my friend? ♪

♪ My face to the sea

♪ And my back to the land

♪ If you can't come with me

♪ I'll understand

♪ I'll understand

♪ Can we meet in the dark?

♪ We don't have to say much

♪ And if you have to go

♪ Have to go

♪ I'll understand

♪ If we didn't know

♪ What we know

♪ The end of the world

♪ At the palm of my hand

♪ When it all goes to hell

♪ Will you still be my friend? ♪

♪ Have to go, have to go

♪ My face to the sea

♪ And my back to the land

♪ And if you can't come with me ♪

♪ I'll understand

♪ Can we meet in the dark?

♪ We don't have to say much

♪ And if you have to go

♪ Have to go

♪ I'll understand

♪ I'll let you go, let you go ♪

♪ I'll understand

♪ I'll let you go, let you go ♪

♪ I'll understand

♪ If we didn't know what we know ♪

♪ 'Cause when you travel light ♪

♪ Some things are left

♪ Behind

♪ The end of the world

♪ At the palm of my hand

♪ When it all goes to hell

♪ Will you still be my friend? ♪

♪ My face to the sea

♪ And my back to the land

♪ If you can't come with me

♪ I'll understand

[bell tolling]