All language subtitles for 3rd Rock from the Sun S01E01

Male radio deejay: We're still
taking calls on those Ufo sightings.

I'm on the line
with Jennifer

who claims to have
actually met aliens.

Jennifer: Gary, I have been sucked
up by alien spacecraft many times,

- Gary: Uh-oh.
- and I can tell you they are among us.

Gary: Really? Now, what
do you suppose they want?

- Jennifer: Well, they want my eggs...
- Uh-huh.

...to start their own
alien race.

Gary: Whoa, thanks for
calling. Hello. You're on the air.

Man:
I saw four aliens in a car.

- I think it was a Rambler.
- Whoa, stylish.

- Everyone fully formed?
- All: uh-huh.

- Yeah.
- Everyone got 10 fingers and 11 toes?

- Check.
- Good. I guess we're in. Everyone comfortable?

I have three holes
in my face.

Can anyone get your head
to swivel to the rear?

- All: no.
- Then how are you supposed to lick your back?

Maybe you do what
they're doing?

Look. Life-forms, and
they're cleaning each other.

All: aw!

Look at us.

I can't believe
we look like them.

- Yeah.

Is anybody else sweating
under their breasts?

No. In fact,
I don't have any.

I have tiny ones.

- Quick, look.

That woman is going
to drive with her feet.

Don't you people
have a home?

Uh, no, we don't, but thank you for the idea.

See? She called
us people.

Listen.

- It's that signal they keep sending into space.
- ♪ Louie, Louie ♪

♪ Oh, no, me gotta go ♪

♪ Aye, yi-yi-yi,
I said ♪

♪ Louie, Louie. ♪

Dick: Our home for this mission
is Earth, a third-rate planet.

I got a teaching job
at a third-rate university.

Now we're looking
at a third-floor apartment.

Come in.
Come on in.

It's the attic, so it's kind
of small, but it's furnished.

- We love it.
- Yeah, it's so much bigger than a car.

Yeah.
We'll take it.

This used to be the rumpus
room back in the '60s.

This carpet has seen more
butts than Santa Claus' lap.

Ooh! What is
this stuff?

This sweater?
It's angora.

Well, it's wonderful. I've
never seen anything like it.

- Ooh!
- I like the color.

Well, it's very nice.

You're not from
around here, are you?

Well, Mrs. Dubcek, I can stand
here and chew your fat day all day,

but time has no manners.
Bye, now.

Sally, I want you
to observe her.

Find out what women
on this planet do.

- Why can't Harry do it?
- Because you're the woman.

That brings up a very good
question: why am I the woman?

Because you lost.

Dick?

I can't see
through my eyelids.

Open them.

Oh!

They're manual.

Oh, good.
You're here.

Did you copy the mainframe
in the library?

I got a little
distracted.

- Again? What happened?
- I was watching these women play volleyball,

and they were all jumping up and down,

up and down
in these little shorts.

And some can't jump as high
as the others, but it's okay.

It's more than okay.
It's really okay. I mean--

- what is wrong with you?
- I don't know.

We can't leave
without that information.

So access the mainframe,
enter the net, download,

and then go straight home
as soon as you're finished.

- Why are you talking to me like I'm a child?
- You are a child.

- I'm older than you.
- Well, now I'm bigger,

and on this planet
size matters.

- Good morning, Dr. Solomon.
- Ah, Nina.

Here's your mail. This is nothing. Nothing.

This is something, but
there's nothing you can do about it.

This is an invitation to a party at
the Dean's house. This is nothing.

And if you don't stop staring at
whatever it is you're watching,

you're gonna lose
something.

Tommy's just on his way to
the library. Aren't you, Tommy?

Uh, yeah, I am now.

I have to go look up
the word "throb."

He's older
than he looks.

- I have to file
some things for you.

What is that?

It's you!
You smell so nice.

Thanks. I try.

That had better be
your nose.

Is your wife
out of town?

Mrs. Solomon is
no longer with us.

She, uh... burned up
on reentry.

I had a boyfriend who
used to burn up on reentry.

He walks with
a limp now.

- Good morning, Dr. Albright.
- Good morning, Nina.

- Good morning, Dr. Albright.
- Nina, would you tell Dr. Solomon

he parked
in my space again?

You parked in her space--
- I know. It was empty.

Would you tell him I'm
going to have him towed?

Tell her I already have all the
toes I need. I am fully formed.

That's my parking space.

Oh, so you have a car.

Nina, go to the chem lab.
Tell them I sent you.

Get a pipe bomb, put it in Dr.
Solomon's car and blow it up.

For future reference,
I have a red Volvo.

Please, Dr. Albright!

We barely know
each other.

Dr. Solomon,
we should get along.

I'm very intelligent. You
have an impressive résumé.

I am the high commander.

I must admit,
when I first met you,

I was attracted to your
flamboyant nature and big head.

Thanks, because I almost
went with a smaller one.

Even though I am
drawn to genius,

this is a small office

and you are behaving
like a big hose monkey.

You're not so bad
yourself, woman.

Knock it off.

What is my thesis
doing out of my desk?

- I took it out.
- My desk was locked.

Which made it
very difficult to open.

You might want to make
a note of that.

- You read it?
- I memorized it.

Well, it's just
a few thoughts.

- A few brilliant thoughts.
- Really?

That's quite a compliment coming
from someone with your credentials.

- I'm glad you enjoyed it.
- Enjoyed it?

It's the funniest thing
I've ever read.

Your theory on "man
and the animal within,"

it's hilarious.

Nina said you had
no sense of humor.

She is so wrong.

The conclusions
that you draw

are laugh-out-loud funny.

I see.

Dr. Solomon, you
have crossed a line.

You have belittled
my work,

and you hurt my feelings.
I don't like you.

- I don't understand.
- Of course you don't. You're a man.

Ha!

That's where
you're wrong!

Okay, so meatloaf
is bread crumbs,

- spices and ground beef?
- That's it.

- Ground beef is essentially nothing more than a cow?
- Yeah.

Well, doesn't it scream when
they stuff it in the grinder?

Oh, no. That sucker's
been dead for hours.

I have dead cow
on my hands?

Women.

You can't live with them,
and yet, they're everywhere.

So "p" itself
is always even.

And we can write
"p" equals 2s,

where "s" is
some other integer.

Substituting "p," we find
"p" to the second power

equals 2s to the second power,
equals 4s to the second power,

equals 2q
to the second power.

And we find? Who can tell me? Anyone?

Okay, I'm getting
ahead of everyone.

- Let's simplify. How far away is Cleveland?
- 52 miles.

- Someone give me another answer.
- An hour away.

Cleveland is an hour away.
Someone give me another answer.

- A $9 bus ticket.
- Cleveland is $9 away.

A felony charge. The
federal courthouse is there.

Yes! Cleveland is
a felonious assault away.

Someone else.
Yes, Leon.

Well, come on, Leon.
Speak up.

No, never mind. I had
this idea, but it's wrong.

Leon, of course
it's wrong.

I mean, the odds against
your being right are...

staggering!

You have a great advantage.
You know the outcome.

You will be wrong.
Don't fear it.

Embrace your wrongness.

Leon, how far away
is Cleveland?

Cleveland is
an eternity away

if your heart
is there.

Leon, that is
so provocative.

Where Cleveland
equals "p"

and eternity equals "q,"

transposing the logarithm
of the heart,

where the heart
is an unknown,

we find that
we are forever

in Cleveland.

No, I'm sorry, Leon.
You're wrong.

Yes, Caryn.

I think that Leon meant

that Cleveland can feel
like an eternity away.

Oh, it's a feeling.

Yes, I know all
about feelings.

Everything's
just going fine,

and somebody has
a feeling,

and kaboom!

Suddenly they
don't like you.

I think we can all do
without feelings. Who's with me?

Your grade depends on it.

Dr. Solomon,

I hope this doesn't affect my
grade, but I have a thought.

- Yes?
- You have to have feelings.

Feelings are like the core
of the human experience.

The core of
the human experience?

Of course. I never
thought of that.

- Tomorrow, I want you all

to write a paper for me
about feelings.

Tell me how it
feels to use

only 10% of your brain.

Ooh, everyone was awake.

Nina, where is Dr. Albright?
I have to talk to her.

She's gone for the day, but
she'll be at the Dean's party tonight.

Dean Sumner's party.
Tell him I'll be there.

I'll drop everything
and do that right now.

- I'm not sure how to get there.
- I can pick you up.

That won't hurt
your back?

I'll be in a car.

Good. Come by
and blow the horn.

I love to hear
people honk.

What, are you
from mars?

Mars?

Oh, no.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- You're on the volleyball team, aren't you?
- Yeah, I am.

I watched you jump up
and down this afternoon.

- You're really good.
- Thanks. We won.

Oh... it's a game.

Um, anyway, my name's--

- can I talk to you?
- Come on, man.

May I remind you that
we are not to alter

the lives of the inhabitants
of this planet in any way?

Yeah, but some of them
are just asking for it.

Pull it together. I'm extending
our mission for one more night.

- Why?
- I have faculty obligations.

Don't do this to me. I
never sleep. I'm exhausted.

Besides, you don't have the
authority to alter the schedule.

- I'm in command.
- Yeah? Well, I'm in puberty, pal.

I don't care what you say.
It can't be that bad.

I could pop
at any minute.

Aren't you exaggerating
just a little?

- Give me your mind for just a second.
- Please.

Come on.
Just give me your mind.

- Oh! That's disgusting!
- I know.

- You think like that?
- All the time.

We've gotta get you
out of here.

- Dick, what are you doing?
- I'm unpacking.

I've changed my mind. We're
going to stay a little longer.

I'm a dead man.

Oh, d-- w-w-w--
whoa, that's mine.

Be careful.
It's, uh...

very valuable.

You know, I have
an urge to hold that.

- That's exactly what it's for.
- May I?

Please.

- I find this very satisfying.
- I know.

- I like this.
- I know.

I wonder what Dr. Albright
is doing right now.

Give that back. Let's break it up here.

I will be so glad
to get out of this body.

- What are you doing?
- I'm unpacking.

- The commander wants to stay a little while longer.
- What for?

Because we
can't leave yet.

Did you know that our bodies
can produce feelings?

I got a whole lot of them
from Dr. Albright this afternoon.

- Really?
- Yes. And I'm going to a party

to see if I can get
a little tonight.

Oh, Dick, no.

I'm telling you, it's
a crime against science

not to experiment
with ourselves.

Couldn't we just conduct
these experiments

in the privacy
of our own home?

- What can she do that I can't?
- Lieutenant.

- What?
- Permission to speak freely?

- Permission granted.
- Sir,

would you jump up
and down for us?

Oh, yeah, and put
your hands

back behind
your head like this.

- I will not.
- Please, for science, truly.

No. It's not that
I don't want to help.

It's just that I don't know
how comfortable we would feel

working together after
an experiment like that.

- It'll be fine.
- Go ahead. Do it.

- In your dreams!
- Every night.

- Look, absolutely not.
- Okay, fine.

You leave me no other choice. Now
we have to experiment at a party.

Listen to me. Women are
trouble. I should know.

- I've been one for two weeks.
- I know.

Which brings up
another point.

I command you to shave
under your arms.

Doable.

I'm sorry you find me
so offensive.

Damn it, pull yourself together, man!

- We're going out.
- Okay.

- Okay. Give me an hour.
- An hour?

Yeah. I gotta
rotate these.

It's a party.

Dr. Solomon,
how nice to see you.

- Good evening, Mrs. Sumner.
- Won't you come in?

If you'll back up.

Please forgive Sally.
She's not from Ohio.

Ooh, I love where
you've put these walls.

May I take your coat?

If I can keep my pants.

Listen, I want you to keep an
eye on this Albright experiment.

Yeah, sure.
What are these?

Crustaceans. I mean, Dick is
endangering this entire mission.

- Mm-hmm, right. And these?
- Unborn fowl.

I'm beginning to question
his ability to command.

Yeah, too bad.
And these are?

- Cocktail weenies.
- Cocktail weenies.

I've seen these before.
They should be bigger.

Nina, right?

Oh, hi, Sally.
Nice dress.

- It's just something I threw on.
- Yeah.

Well, you
almost missed.

- Uh, hello. Here I am.
- Yes, there you are.

- Dr. Albright, I've been thinking about us all day.
- I haven't.

I want to try again.

I want very much
to feel,

and I want, even more,
to be felt,

and I mean that from
the heart of my bottom.

Well, yours up.

No, I wouldn't do that.

I mean--
I'm new at this.

You see, I've been
getting a feeling,

and I'm trying
to identify it.

Rub it.
Maybe it'll go away.

I just want to make it
feel better.

Well, you could start
by saying "I'm sorry."

- Okay, I'm sorry.
- You could say it as if you meant it.

Oh, of course.

Dr. Albright,
I'm very sorry.

Thank you.

That felt great.

Let's do it again.

Dr. Albright,
I'm very sorry.

Oh!

Ooh! Ohh!

- Get away from me!
- What did I not do right?

- Go away!
- I don't understand!

What do you think? They
seem to have greater power

when they collide.
I'm not wrong, am I?

Sally, will you excuse us
for a moment?

Come on, girls.

Let's go.

- You're coming on to me.
- I have no idea what that means.

It's all right.
It's in my thesis.

It's basic
animal attraction.

We all have
the animal within.

Some are one swing
closer to the tree.

I've see you preen and
strut around the office.

I admit...

I like it.

Are you planning to do
something important

with your mouth tonight?

Because you've
painted it bright red.

This always happens.

Dr. Erdman had
a thing for me.

Dr. Wallach, Dr. Zucker,
Dr. Thomas,

the guy from Cornell who was
here for a week. That was insane.

E-excuse me.

I have a sudden urge
to clean you.

Oh!

Oh, Dr. Albright.

I was just
thinking of you.

Thanks for
the weenies.

Good night, Dr. Solomon.
Thank you so much for coming.

Good night.

Man on radio:
♪ Spinning through space ♪

♪ The smile
upon your face ♪

♪ Welcome to
the human race, yeah... ♪

what a terrific evening.

I just had a great time.
Didn't you?

Whatever.

I think this is the most
incredible place we've ever been.

The people are
so... complex.

I love them. I just think they're wonderful.

You probed her,
didn't you?

I might have scanned
her a little.

I think we've
underestimated the life on this planet.

The people have
so much courage.

Here they are, hurling
through space on a molten rock

at 67,000 miles
an hour,

and the only thing that keeps them
from flying out of their shoes is...

their misplaced faith
in gravity.

I'm so glad we're staying.

I want to find out
what else they know,

what makes them happy,
how they raise their young,

what happens
when they die,

why they call themselves
the human race.

Did they think
someone's going to win?

Ooh, look.
A shooting star.

I think this is going to
be our greatest mission.

Yeah, he probed her,
all right.

♪ Isn't that
a lovely ride? ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Sliding down
and gliding down ♪

♪ And try not
to try too hard ♪

♪ It's just
a lovely ride. ♪