Original subtitles

Mrs. Richline, the department store is pressing charges.

You were observed shoplifting on Monday morning,

Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

You want to make a statement?

I don't shop on weekends.

"I don't shop on weekends."

We're gonna have to book you, Mrs. Richline.

Que será, será.

Sign here.

All right, who've we got on this week?

Wilson's on vacation, Yemana's with the DA's office.

That leaves you, me, Wojciehowicz and Fish.

Uh, Fish, as soon as you're finished, eh?

Right.

Okay, now.

Here's the garage. It's 162 East Second Avenue.

I guess we ought to set up

in one of these apartment houses across the street.

What are we looking for? Heroin. Lots of it.

It's coming from North Africa through the Middle East,

into Marseilles, up through France

across to England and by boat to New York.

Wouldn't mind making a trip like that myself.

Good, I'll get my hat and go with you.

Why is it so hot in here?

The air conditioner's off.

No air conditioning? In the middle of summer?

Power conservation.

Oh, that's marvelous. Marvelous.

And I can't take a shower for a week.

Oh? Religious holiday?

My wife is re-tiling the bathroom.

Why don't you try the YMCA?

If it becomes necessary.

The air conditioner's gonna be off till 4:00 every day.

It may become necessary.

Okay, Barney, what's going on?

Narcotics stakeout.

We expect a drop to be made in the next couple of days.

Is that necessary?

Karate?

It's a very important part of modern law enforcement.

And the yelling?

Can't you learn to cripple someone quietly?

All right.

DeLucca, you check out the apartment house at 165.

Fish and I will check out 167 and 169.

I'll take 171.

There is no 171.

Oh. Well, then what do I do?

You stay here and mind the store.

How come I can't go with you guys?

Not this time.

Well, where are you going?

If you don't know, what do you want to go for?

It's just another stakeout.

Well, how come I can't go?

Hey, remember the last time?

Fish and Yemana went on that big stakeout on the West Side.

I had to sit here and answer the phones.

Somebody's got to stay in the squad room.

When do you want to leave, Barney?

As soon as I wash up.

Uh, Barney... I got a doctor's appointment.

Can't you change it?

No. It's an emergency.

What's wrong?

Don't worry about it.

If you're sick, why don't you go home?

No, thanks. That's where I got sick.

What happened?

I don't want to talk about it now.

The last time you went on that big stakeout,

I said, "Can I go?" You said, "Not this time."

So I said, "What about next time?"

And you said, "Yeah." Remember, Fish?

Of course I remember.

It was a very touching moment, as I recall.

What do you say, Barn?

Fair is fair.

I didn't think it meant that much to you.

Well, I like to be with you!

I like to be with you too.

All right, if you want to go, you can go.

Thanks, Barn.

Don't mention it.

DeLucca, reassign somebody from the second shift.

Fish, we're gonna have to draw special weapons.

Hey, let me do it. I'll go down to the armory.

Let's see, what do we need? Shotguns?

Tear gas?

Gas masks?

Nice boy.

It takes so little to make him happy!

This is a very fine apartment.

I think you'll be very happy here.

I'm sure we will.

You boys been living together long?

Since the first minute we laid eyes on each other.

Why?

No, no. No reason.

You're a nice couple.

Mr. Stavelchek, we'd appreciate it

if no one in the building knew we were here.

I knew it. I could smell a cop a mile away.

And it's only 11:30!

Is somebody here in trouble?

We got a very fine class of people in the building.

Bet it's those broads on the third floor.

No, it isn't.

The broads on the fifth floor?

We're not interested in any broads.

At the moment.

Listen, whatever you tell me is strictly confidential.

You got something on the guy in 3G?

Mr. Stavelchek, we're not interested

in anyone in this building.

The way the hall smells outside of his apartment,

he could be smoking the rugs.

Ain't it against the law to smoke that stuff?

Not if they're his rugs.

Uh, is the water on in the bathroom?

You're gonna use the water?

If it's clean.

Well, it's pretty clean.

Well, if you're gonna use the utilities, I need a deposit.

The police department will take care of that.

It's a policy with transients.

Yeah, we'll take care of that. Thank you.

More pills? What did the doctor say?

He said it was either a paranoid depression

or something I ate for breakfast.

What did you eat for breakfast?

I didn't eat breakfast.

What are you depressed about?

I don't know. Maybe my divorce.

Divorce?!

You and Bernice? I don't believe it.

Neither did she.

I told her this morning.

What did she say?

Nothing. She never pays attention.

Excuse me, am I interrupting important police business?

And who are you?

I'm Mrs. Stavelchek. You just met my husband.

A big, muscular guy who can't keep a secret?

That's him.

Unselfish. All the time giving, giving...

particularly information.

I brought you some towels and soap and a coffeepot.

Thank you.

I hope you catch him or her, as the case may be.

Hey, Barn. I got everything we need.

I got 10 gauge shotguns, 12 gauge shotguns,

telephone... and tear gas.

Did you bring a chair?

A chair?

There's no place to sit down.

Oh, sorry.

I see you brought grenades too, huh?

Just a thought.

If we don't use all this stuff,

you're not gonna feel bad, are you?

No.

Put it away, Wojciehowicz.

Wojciehowicz?

Polish?

Yeah.

What did she say?

She wants to know if it's true

they don't let Polish cops carry guns.

Tell her you got a gun.

I got a gun.

Of course, it keeps us on our toes.

Put that stuff away and hook up the phone.

Mrs. Stavelchek, it is very important

that no one knows we're here, do you understand?

Don't worry. I'm not a talker.

There's plenty I could tell if I was a talker.

Thank you.

For instance, did you know

there was a very important city official

who goes to the racetrack

and fools around with his secretary?

Well, that sort of thing isn't very unusual.

And has a 30-year-old son who sucks his thumb?

Now there you got something.

Don't worry. You won't be bothered.

I told everybody to keep away from this apartment...

Thank you.

Or they'd be arrested! Thank you.

I'd look for another apartment,

but I'm afraid they'd throw us a block party.

This place is fine.

A guy could be very happy here.

You wanna talk about it?

There's nothing to talk about.

Two people are married for 36 years,

and one morning it's all over.

What's the big deal?

What happened?

Who knows? I guess the thrill is gone.

Come on, Fish. It sounds like a temporary situation.

At my age, temporary is a big piece of what I got left.

Barney, we're hooked up. I got the precinct.

Thanks.

Hello? Yeah, DeLucca. We're in.

All right, get down here about 6:00 to relieve Fish.

Well, switch her over.

Now what?

I'll get it.

Hello. Police Department?

Come in and shut the door!

Hello, Liz? Is anything wrong?

Oh, the tile man is there. Good.

Who are you?

Tannenbaum. Of Tannenbaum Fine Liquors and Delicatessen.

Barney.

In a second.

Liz, I'll leave it up to you.

Any color you want.

Pink?

How about white?

My mother made wonderful meals in a white kitchen.

It always starts with little things.

How about blue? Does he have blue?

You've always liked blue.

Blue is nice.

Liz, whatever you want.

A man who moves around a lot in this heat

can't afford to be choosy.

And if you value our relationship,

will you get that shower turned on?

All right. Bye-bye, darling.

Now, what can I do for you?

Are you the chief?

Not yet.

Are you at least top man in the room?

I'm Captain Miller, and would you keep your voice down,

just in case there's anyone in the neighborhood

who still doesn't know we're here.

I'm just curious.

Are you here to keep an eye on me?

I don't know. Should we be?

I would appreciate it.

That your store across the street?

Exactly.

Sound familiar?

Not particularly.

I'm one of your best customers.

I've been robbed 36 times in the last 14 years.

Next to Murder Incorporated,

I probably got the biggest file in your office.

And may I ask who you are?

Fish.

Fish.

Good strong name.

Here, boys, gather around.

I got refreshments.

Now, what's perfect on a hot day?

Something cold.

That's what I call a detective!

Mr. Tannenbaum, our business here does not involve you.

I'm sorry to hear that.

You know, the first eight or nine times I was robbed,

I took it personal.

I thought it was a prejudice thing.

You know, Tannenbaum.

So I put a sign up in the window,

"Tannenbaum Means Christmas Tree."

You know, like the song.

Fellow comes in with a gun, looks at the sign and says,

"Okay, stick up your branches!

One move and I'll blow your bulbs off!"

You see what I mean?

When the temperature gets over 90,

the crazies come out of the cracks!

Believe me, I know.

Why don't you buy a gun?

I made a deal with the mayor.

I don't buy guns, and cops don't sell corned beef.

Mr. Tannenbaum, I'll call headquarters

and have a patrol car keep an extra lookout.

I got something better.

My own burglar alarm.

I got a button near the cash register in case of a hold up.

I press it, and watch what happens.

Shut it off. Shut it off.

I usually keep it at home,

but since you boys are across the street,

I hope you don't mind if I left it in here.

If it will make you feel better.

Well, I know you're busy, crime being what it is,

I won't keep you.

Well... L'chaim, boys.

L'chaim.

Remember, if you need something, we deliver.

If you want me, I'll be down at the office.

Call in every half-hour.

Okay.

And, uh, if Elizabeth calls, any color but pink.

Any color but pink.

Hey, Fish,

I sure hope they make the drop in our zone, don't you?

Actually, I could live without it.

Hey, where are you going?

To find something to sit on.

Hello.

I'm Brandy from down the hall.

I'm Fish from the Twelfth Precinct.

I heard there were cops in the building.

Anything I can do?

Got any extra chairs?

No chairs, but if you get any other idea, I'm in 3B.

Hey, Fish.

You wanna go down to 3B, I'll cover for you.

What would I do in 3B? I can't even eat fried foods.

Good morning.

Hey, captain.

Everything's moving right along.

What's happening?

Nothing.

Word is we watch for a panel truck, white or light gray,

Jersey plates.

Made a pick up in Hoboken.

You mean you think he's coming here?

For your sake, Wojo, I hope so.

He didn't want to go home.

I know. Bernice called.

It's 9:00, it's already 86 degrees out there!

You smell gorgeous.

It's Liz's perfume.

Dynamite!

I thought of that too.

That's very considerate of you.

A man does what he can.

Is there coffee?

On the stove.

Oh! Oh, oh!

Aaah! Aaah!

Ohh. Ohh.

You okay, Fish? What's the matter?

It's my back... and my neck... and my leg.

I must have slept funny.

Hey, I can snap it back in for you.

Don't touch me, Wojciehowicz!

I swear I got a gun!

I was just gonna straighten you up.

Get away! I don't want to straighten up.

I... I like it down here.

You all right, Fish?

Who's that?

It's Barney.

Hiya, Barney.

It's my back.

And his neck.

And his legs.

I'll be all right as soon as I take a pill.

Uh, Bernice called.

She said she wanted to talk to you.

She said it was important.

She's a helpless woman.

Without me, she can't even find the bathroom.

Where's the bathroom?

A chair like that could kill you.

Step up. Step up.

There you go.

I gotta take a pill.

Okay. Go ahead. Take it easy.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

Okay.

Good morning.

Can I help you, Mrs. Stavelchek?

I got a couple interested in looking at the apartment.

Could I show them around?

It would be a little inconvenient at the moment.

Hey, that's some terrific shaving lotion.

Thank you.

Could you write the name down for Mr. Stavelchek?

I'd like him to smell like that.

I'll take care of it before we leave.

I appreciate it more than I can say.

Hey, Barney, come here!

What you got?

There's a blue four-door sedan

been circling the block about 10 minutes.

I'll get it.

Did you get the license plate?

No. I'll get it next time around.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Mr. Tannenbaum, what are you doing here?

A person has to eat, crime not withstanding.

It really wasn't necessary.

It's a pleasure, colonel.

Captain.

Never mind. I have faith in you.

How about a lox and cream cheese on a bagel?

Well, as long as you're here.

Barney, phone.

Nothing's too good for our boys in blue, right?

Actually, detectives don't wear blue.

They wear plain clothes.

Plain. But in excellent taste.

Mr. Fish, good morning.

Hello. I need coffee.

Wojciehowicz, got any cream?

Nope. There ain't any.

Coffee without cream makes me nauseous.

Maybe if you lined your stomach with a prune Danish?

I'll try. Keep an open mind.

Liz, you know I can't leave here!

You'll have to wait for the tile man.

Then let Rachel take David to the dentist.

Change the appointment!

Liz, this is ridiculous.

I cannot make a choice between the prevention of a major crime

and the correction of my son's overbite.

Particularly when the overbite runs on your side of the family.

Hey, Barney! Barney, come here!

Hold on a second. What's up?

That blue four-door's coming around again.

It's parking across from the garage.

Check out the license plate.

Uh, Liz, do whatever you think best.

You're doing a wonderful job

with the kitchen and the bathroom,

why would you do any less with the children?

Goodbye, dear. Goodbye.

The license is 143BLA.

That's my car.

What about it?

It's parked across the street. Your wife is coming upstairs.

Bernice?

She wouldn't have the nerve to come here!

How did she find us?

Never underestimate a helpless woman.

Here you are, gentlemen. Eat hearty!

Mr. Tannenbaum, you shouldn't have gone to all that trouble.

No trouble. I held back part of an order

from a bar mitzvah this afternoon.

Don't you think they'll miss it?

What's the difference? He's a rotten kid.

They probably overestimated the crowd.

You should have called her, Fish.

Called her? I'm gonna arrest her!

Something wrong?

It's his wife.

Don't worry, there's plenty of food.

Get in here!

Good morning, everybody.

Hi, Bernice. Hello.

Good morning, Bernice.

I hope I'm not intruding.

Bernice, are you crazy?

I'll only stay a minute.

Why are you eating that junk?

Junk? Junk!

What are you doing here?

You forgot your pills this morning.

I didn't forget them. I didn't even go home last night.

You know, I had a feeling.

I was afraid to look, but I had a feeling.

Go home, Bernice. And thanks for the pills.

I brought cream too.

Thanks. Goodbye, Bernice.

Before I go, I want you to repeat

what you said to me the other morning at breakfast.

Bernice!

Bernice...

Uh, Mr. Tannenbaum... Shh!

Mr. Tannenbaum, would you care for a cup of coffee?

A cup of coffee.

Oh, coffee! Sure, let's go in the kitchen.

All right. All right. You know what I said?

I said the eggs tasted like rubber.

That was the good part. The other part.

I don't want to talk about it now!

Tell me when I'm facing you, not when I'm cooking.

Barney! Barney, come here!

What you got?

There's a white panel truck just parked in front of the garage!

- Light gray. - Jersey plates.

I'm waiting, Fish.

Bern...

There is a time and a place!

This is a police stakeout.

That's a poor excuse.

You know, you could be arrested.

Who would care?

Hey, we're in business!

Maybe... Maybe...

Fish. Over there. Break out the weapons.

Right. Why does it have to be you?

Bernice.

You'll excuse us. Business before pleasure.

Mr. Tannenbaum, the two of you please wait here.

There may be trouble. I don't want anybody hurt.

Who would care?

May I introduce myself?

I'm Harry Tannenbaum.

The former Bernice Fish.

It was a suggestion! I didn't say positively!

Would you like a sandwich?

No, thank you. I lost my appetite yesterday.

I lost my wife six years ago.

Fish. Get on the phone to headquarters

and call for assistance. Right!

Wojciehowicz, DeLucca, let's go!

Is it convenient now?

Mrs. Stavelchek!

Oh, let's go!

No, no, no. Everybody in the apartment.

Nobody leaves the building! Who is he?

A policeman. How do you know?

Ask anyone in the building.

Look, it's... There are two bedrooms,

a bathroom, very spacious closets.

Look around.

Who are they gonna shoot?

The people in the garage across the street.

Sixty-two cents a gallon.

I'm not surprised.

Second Avenue. Across 165 East.

And I'd appreciate it if you'd hurry it up!

Hiya, Fish.

Hello.

Fish!

Who's the girl in the negligee?

Bernice. Bernice!

Hello?

Sorry, Captain Barney Miller is otherwise occupied.

Hello, Mrs. Miller.

How's everything?

Listen, when you fix that bathroom,

it'll be lovely.

Yeah! Yeah...

Blue is nice!

You're some devil, Barney.

Wojciehowicz and DeLucca are riding back in the wagon.

Are you going?

To tell you the truth,

I'm gonna take the opportunity to take a shower.

I'll lock up.

You take the rest of the day off.

Take Bernice home.

You think so?

Bernice, take him home.

I was worried about you.

I'm okay.

Except I slept funny.

You want to go home?

I want to go where some attention will be paid.

I promise.

Good.

Fish, tell me, who's the lady in the negligee?

Bernice! Are you starting again?

I'm paying attention!

You son of a...!

Hold on, Mr. Tannenbaum, I'll be right there!