Original subtitles

Speciaaal!

Aah! JEREMY: Oh God.

It's Monday morning.

It's just for him!

The owner has given me the challenge,

and it's a big one: a 240- percent

increase in traffic.

This is absolutely a survival issue.

There are roadblocks that he will have to face,

and that's convincing Peter that what he's doing is right.

Across the northeast, 16 deaths have been

blamed on Sandy.

PETER: Here comes Eila, waring a giraffe outfit.

We acted like idiots!

Have you ever had any focus groups?

A focus group would be fantastic.

EILA: U.S. and Canadian residents have been

turning to their smartphones for up-to-the-minute

hurricane reports.

I thought it was kind of cheesy, actually.

I just see it as very, like, lowbrow.

I thought it would be negative.

I didn't think it would be that negative.

ANNOUNCER: In 1999, an outrageous concept

grabbed a global audience.

Naked News went from internet novelty

to international success.

Years later, Naked News is still around,

but it doesn't have the heat it used to.

Today, a dedicated staff is fighting

to regain its past glory.

This is their story.

Hey!

MAN: Hi.

Hey, baby.

Hey.

LUCAS: Peter. PETER: phone> Yes.

How are you doing? It's Lucas.

PETER: Hi.

The focus group, they were extremely negative.

Great, another show telling me what I should look like.

It's very objectifying to women.

This show is for straight white people -

probably mostly men.

I wouldn't sit there with my mom or my sister

and learn, you know, what's going on

in the Middle East.

They just couldn't wrap their heads around the fact

that we did serious news that involved

nudity and disrobing.

It's not only niche, it's extremely niche.

I think, if we offered some levity and some

personality to how we present the news,

that might open the door a little bit and maybe

let some more people in.

Peter is definitely a control freak.

When he gets involved, you know, he gets involved

too deeply.

Peter is a very polarizing individual.

I think he's a very special man, but he's a complex man,

and difficult to know, and impossible to predict.

Peter is a very forceful, very opinionated person.

He hires a bunch of experts, and sometimes

he'll tend to make the decision rather than to

listen to what we say.

IAN: Ever since I started here, actually, Peter's dream,

like Dr. Martin Luther King, has been to see

a shot of the girls' asses

JEREMY: He has a dream!

in the studio, while they're reporting the news,

because he believes that there is

no part of a woman more sensual

than their ba-donk-a-donks.

Than the bottom.

That is his exact word: he always says,

"Show me more ba-donk-a-donk!"

Go!

Hey, Stephen. STEPHEN: Hey.

So I got the call from Peter, and he wants us to definitely

go ahead with those "ass cam" test shots.

Yeah. With the robotic cameras?

LUCAS: Yep. STEPHEN: Alright.

LUCAS: OK. Thank you.

In the back, we've got our "butt cam".

It's a robotic HD camera that was urgently purchased

to be used as the primary camera, but it doesn't work

through the teleprompter glass, so we've decided,

instead, that we can use it as our

"butt camera" for test purposes.

STEPHEN: So there's a bit of a different thing we're

trying out today: we're doing some tests.

We've set up one of the cameras in the large studio

as a "butt shot" camera.

STEPHEN: So we're just doing it as a test.

It's not going out on the show, right now.

We want to compile these all together so it can be

sort of seen in context.

Yeah, like a zoomed-in butt shot kind of thing.

Secretary General Anders Fogh Rasmussen made

the statement on Monday, after the Turkish military

struck back against a fresh onslaught of

Syrian mortar rounds.

It doesn't make me feel vulnerable or weird

'cause, luckily, I have a nice butt.

The two things that we're looking to pick up -

these are tests for what Peter is looking for -

is one would be, like

an undoing-the-bra shot from behind, and the other

would be a removing-panties from behind shot.

Removing panties from behind. That's classy.

When was this decided?

This has been sort of passed down through informal

meetings over the past week or two

as things we'd like to see.

It's difficult as it is to make it look alright,

taking your clothes off while delivering this hard news.

Why are we compounding this with more sleaziness?

Clearly, he thinks it's a beautiful thing.

To the actual person - and yes, hello, still a person

attached to the ass shot - I feel, very much, that this is

removing the last vestige of personality I get to give.

So far, all the tests have been working,

from a technical standpoint: the system works reliably.

As for whether the content is actually what we want to

have in this show will be up to other people to determine,

especially in cases like "News Off the Top":

we're talking about conflicts in Syria and problems

with U.S. military command that are

not necessarily a good motivated reason

to cut to a butt shot of an anchor.

RACHEL: Blocking is very important

when playing defense.

Nate, "Flex Appeal"?

Is this what we stand for?

DAN: Is this what Naked News is?

When I first started here, you know, one of my questions was,

"What kind of show are we trying to make?

Are we trying to make, you know, porn,

or are we trying to make news?"

And no one can really give me a straight answer.

It is the farthest thing form porn that you could

possibly get to and still have your clothes off.

I mean, it's about as sexually depraved as

the bra section of the Sears catalogue.

Information or boobs?

Like, what are we, here at Naked News?

We're both. We're a balance between the two.

But what's more important?

It's tit for tat.

Alright, so this test, you're saying,

is happening with me today.

Not the butt shot, but of the

bra-removing-from- the-back shot.

Which is great, 'cause then you get to see the

bra marks close up.

Yeah, which is nice, and then you get that little

red mark, which is always very sexy and appealing.

That will look nice in HD, I think.

Let's just be honest: Vic's ass isn't what it used to be.

Although I don't mind the bra-unclip shot, but

Yeah. I mean, it is distracting

bending over to take off your panties?

It's not the most flattering thing.

Really?

Yeah. And it's sort of a close-up.

Of course it is.

And it cuts in: like, we've got you on the

"News Off the Top" background, and then we're going to cut

to a close-up shot from a long shot of you talking.

You're still going to be talking, and we've got

a close up of, you know, a rear shot with a light

in front of you.

That's why it's always failed in the past,

so I haven't actually had to take him down to the mat

in this argument.

WOMAN: The makers of Viagra need a drug to

help their lawyers' performance.

VICTORIA: It's so ludicrous that it will die

a natural death, the way it always does.

If I bring it up and I create a big fuss, then

it might make it live longer.

If it should stick around, then, to me, that's a very

clear sign that we have no chance of succeeding,

and that we're only going to appeal to the lowest

common denominator, and that audience will get smaller,

and smaller, and smaller as we diminish ourselves.

VICTORIA: With that, it's time we took a quick break

from the headlines

Did you know about this, um...

well, the perv cam?

I knew about it.

I know Peter. Peter loves

Well, you know that: he's an ass man, right?

Yes.

And he loves it. He can't get enough of it.

Let's give it one more try and see if we have to

go do the whole thing.

California, for example, has 55 electoral votes,

while Montana has only 3.

There are 538 votes in total, so the winning

number for either candidate is 270.

Are you OK with that going up as a test?

Sure. STEPHEN: Alright.

VICTORIA: So, if this issue is forced and they are

going to go ahead with it, I simply can't do that.

I'm going to gather the last tattered shreds of

dignity that I still own and not be present for

that particular shot.

LUCAS: Pretty soon, we are going to watch the focus group

and just comment on some of the things

that everyone was saying.

I'm hoping to get out of it some sort of consensus -

like, a message to go to Peter with.

If a group of people say the same thing to him,

it may sway him.

MAN: OK. Here we go.

DAVID: Who's heard of the Naked News before?

PEOPLE: I have.

All the dudes put their hands up.

DAVID: What are your first impressions?

What does it evoke for you?

I wouldn't sit there with my mom or my sister

and learn, you know, what's going on

in the middle east.

You're missing the point completely! Holy smokes.

How many hookups have you got?

Don't lie!

Uh... 13.

She was, like, conversational, and sarcastic, and obviously

funny, and kind of outgoing, and so that

showcased her skills in a good way -

like, she was good at doing that.

You know, the girls talking about Bahrain,

you look like a moron.

If I see this chick ever, I'm going to

STEVE: "Fuck you."

You'll recognize her on the street.

Right? Thank you, Steve.

I would change the name, maybe call it

"Naked TV": "24/7, all the time.

It's not just about the news.

We are naked all the time, everywhere."

Then you can have, Friday night,

"Naked Bowling for Dollars".

MAN: That's our new producer, right? You hired that guy?

ERICA: When does he start, Ian?

Seemed like we were watching something

from the '80s - it just seemed very dated.

WOMAN: I would say even the fashion was outdated.

As a woman who likes women,

I still don't want my women to look like that.

Outdated clothing? Have we looked at her shirt?

I think that focus group was a bunch of hoo-hee!

It was nonsense.

Those people have no taste.

I want a new focus group.

This might be the very first time

anyone has held a focus group

for any form of adult content.

It's true, actually, because I can't see

It doesn't make sense.

like, Hugh Hefner sitting down and saying,

"OK, so we're thinking of doing something

called a 'centerfold'. What do you guys think of that?"

"Gather 'round."

"What do you think of these?"

"How does that make you feel?

And you? And you?"

"Good? Yeah?

We're going to have good articles

in here, too, though."

"You in the back, I can see you're looking hard."

"We're going to get Isaac Asimov to

write a bunch of crap."

VICTORIA: I think it was a pretty glaring look at how

people initially respond to naked news, which is,

at first, confusion: "What the hell are they?"

We don't have a strong enough identity, so, right off

the bat, they don't know what to expect, so they're

going to be disappointed, no matter what.

How it impacts me is that I'm driving all this

traffic to this site, and I need them to convert.

I need them to have a good experience.

I really feel, if we need to revitalize the brand,

we need to address some of these things.

I think they hammered it home: it's dated.

It's the music, it's the graphics - all these things.

What I'm looking forward to next is speaking with some

of the "superfans", the people that have been with us

for a very long time and continue to renew each year.

I want to get some consumer insights into

why they joined, what they like about the program,

what segments they like - all of this to assist with

my marketing efforts and who we go after.

Hello.

MAN: Hello.

MICHAEL: Where are you located?

What do you love most about Naked News?

Favourite anchor? And why?

One of the things we learned from the superfans

is that they really identify strongly

with the anchors.

And then we also saw, from the focus group, that the

segments they like best is where the anchors were

able to have their own personality shine.

So I think that might be a road we could take to, you know,

expand the appeal of the product by leveraging

the personalities so that we're appealing to

a broader segment of people.

Hey, guys. Rachel Simmons here,

taking a much-needed vacation at the lovely Wasaga Beach.

LUCAS: "Naked in the Streets", it's unique to

Naked News because the girls go out topless and

they interview people on the street.

Hello. Hi.

Hi.

What's going on with Andrea today?

She's coming, right?

You have two camera people coming.

You don't need Andrea.

I need Andrea. Why?

Because it's so much better with Andrea, dude.

It's so much better having a girl there that's dressed.

You have Rachel.

Doesn't matter. We're both naked.

It's so much better.

The segment, in particular, that I'll do is

"Naked in the Streets" - we call it "Nits".

They're topless and they're interviewing people

on the street about random, like, pop-culture stuff.

Check you out, doing your thing.

ERICA: Rachel and I went to Wasaga Beach this summer.

We, uh, stayed in a motel for the night, and, by the

end of the 24 hours together, we almost killed each other.

This is it. This is it.

Oh, I don't need this, because

I'm master of all questions!

You know what's up!

Erica comes from a different time in the show.

So, back in the day, it was a little bit more serious -

like, they were interviewing big people:

she was on the red carpet.

You are sweating.

I'm really hot. We've been in here for hours.

Thank you for this.

No! Get away from me!

I meant that in all the nicest way possible, Erica.

She doesn't really like being produced,

I don't think, and I think I was sort of taking a

segment producer role that day,

and she didn't really like being told what to do.

I've been buying your drinks all day.

We both have it, so let's stop it.

Let's stop it, like, right now. Honestly.

And, apparently, there was a lot of alcohol involved,

and Erica got out of control, then they both

had it out with each other.

Dealing with Rachel is definitely a situation where

you need "Dutch courage".

Take the edge off!

I'm done. I'm done with her.

ERICA: I'm leaving.

Me and Rachel are going to go back out in the street

and see what happens!

Wish me luck.

LUCAS: I'm sending Rachel and Erica out today because

they're two crazy people.

LUCAS: I'm willing to sacrifice a little of the production

for the entertainment value that it's going to generate.

Talent comes at a price.

Jesus Christ, she's taking a long time.

What is she doing, man?

ERICA: So, guys, you realize I'm getting in a car

with Rachel Simmons.

Wait. Are you going solo with Rachel?

Buckle up. Yeah. I don't know why.

You're not going to be safe.

So it was nice knowing you.

You're not going to be safe.

No, I know.

And I'm really scared.

Where is she?

Where is this mental case?

Holy shit!

Alright.

RACHEL: What are you fucking looking at me like that for?

RACHEL: Jesus Christ! Get in the car.

ERICA: Don't start like this already. I swear to God!

RACHEL: Taking so long, man!

Where are we going to go now? What's happening?

Git, git, git, git!

What are you doing on the

That's your side, not this side!

Get off the road. This is not a bike lane.

Stay on your fucking side!

Yeah, fruitcake, I'm here.

You should be over in that lane.

What are you doing?

I'm just going to call my grandmother

and tell her I love her.

Yeah, tell anyone that you care about.

Ooh, it's constant... fucking in my face, always.

Everybody bothers me.

All the streets are fucking cluttered with human litter

and fucking...

What the fuck is this?

Please, God, help me.

It's like a bat out of hell.

It's another level of wild, I tell you.

I have my moments, I know,

and I can see a little bit of me in there,

but it just is a whole other level,

and sometimes it's hard to take.

These meddling little rats, they wander around,

dart across the road like little rodents...

You know what? I hate everyone equally.

That's good then, at least.

Yeah. I'm fair.

I want to be a traffic cop,

'cause I hate people on the road,

and they do the most douche-y, stupidest things,

and none of these idiots would be able

to get away with anything with me.

And I'd walk up with my smile and be like,

"License and registration, please."

Alright.

We have arrived.

Thank God.

Hey. Excuse me.

Can we ask you a couple of questions for Naked News?

Gah!

I like "Naked in the Streets".

It's fun. It's fun to shoot.

But it depends on what you're shooting.

There are some times it's just damn impossible

to get anyone to talk to you.

Would you stop staring at them like that?

You've got to look at the camera a little bit!

RACHEL: He's just staring right at them!

ERICA: You can stare at them all you want in a minute,

but, like, just for the interview, try to look up.

I have two eyes.

ERICA: You try to tune it out, but it's crazy

out here right now.

We're getting a lot of attention.

You get little comments, and it's off-putting.

Like, right at the first second that we're out there...

Let's go "Naked in the Streets"!

Let's do it!

...you get a guy going, "Please don't",

and it makes your stomach tense up for a second.

WOMAN: This is a family beach.

A family beach.

Yeah, get me right on camera, 'cause, you know what?

I live in Collingwood, I've got my two grandkids here,

and that is fucking disgusting.

ERICA: Well, your language is a bit disgusting.

RACHEL: Yeah, that's a little reproachable.

ERICA: How are we offending?

That is fucking disgusting.

I hope you put me on the news.

Let's get these breasts talking, people!

ANDREA: I'm going to ask you to stand right next to Erica.

ERICA: Hi there. Is that your lovely girlfriend over there

that's agreed to let you talk to topless people?

Yeah, that's my girlfriend.

How nice is she?

You're aware I'm going to be topless, right?

Oh! OK.

Alright. There we go.

What is your favourite season, and why?

My favourite season is fall, 'cause my

birthday is in the fall.

To me, I think the colour scheme looks like vomit.

Do you love autumn?

I like autumn, but I'm more of a summer person.

I love fall.

Yeah? Why?

I love the clothes you can wear!

For Naked News, I'm Erica Stevens.

And I'm Rachel Simmons.

Bye-bye.

We did it!

We did it!

Oh my God!

Don't make me vomit.

Don't you dare make me vomit.

ERICA: I think that today went very well.

RACHEL: Fan-fricking-tabulous.

ERICA: And I can't believe that me and Rachel

didn't kill each other - Yeah!

and we got along, and I think it was one of

the best segments ever.

People were enthusiastic, but they weren't,

like, too aggressive - which is sometimes a real bummer.

I'm not going in the car with Rachel.

I have a witness that I was good this time!

ERICA: No way.

I was damn good this time: I didn't kill Erica today.

So we have a special treat for this Friday viewing,

and that is a peek behind the scenes, if you will.

Peter's lifelong dream,

ever since he started Naked News,

was to show more ass.

He thinks he's finally "crack"ed it...

..."butt" I think opinions will be "split".

However, I will let you guys take a look.

EILA: Secretary General Anders Fogh

Rasmussen made the statement on Monday,

after the Turkish military struck back...

MEN: Boo.

Yeah, I don't like it.

The lighting is horrible and so unflattering.

So let's hope that, if we are going to do it

in the future, that they fix it up a little bit.

Researchers project the gluten-free industry

to hit the $4.2-billion mark...

Facebook is experimenting with a new promotional

project that could turn your check-ins into free wifi.

The new service is being tested by...

No! No, no, no.

No.

Oh dear God.

I didn't know until they brought it into the studio

the other day.

I did not know that this "ass cam" was going to

be a thing until they used it on me.

KATHERINE: It just looks so gratuitous.

I don't think that it reflects what

our show is about at all.

ANDREA: It takes us entirely in the wrong direction.

Recall that conversation that we had.

VICTORIA: Since the bottom line, not the bottom, is what

we're all about, we're after growth.

What viewer are we trying to reach with this?

The viewers we already have, you give them that,

they will not be satisfied.

They will just ask for more.

Exactly! Exactly.

I don't think an "ass cam" is going to get new viewers.

If people want hardcore porn, there's lots of

places to get it.

We are not porn. We're not even softcore porn.

But my ass is the last part of me that

should be going HD.

LUCAS: It's not flattering for many.

IAN: Yeah, for a lot of people,

it's not a great angle.

It takes you out of the entire story, and all you see

is a screen full of ass, and it's too much.

KATHERINE: That, right there, made me want to cry.

JEREMY: But that's kind of not the issue.

I think the issue is that this is something that Peter wants.

IAN: Yeah. He's the one who literally

signs our cheques.

If he wants it, he's going to get it.

PETER: Hello.

LUCAS: Peter, how are you doing?

Very good, thank you.

This "ass cam" that you're trying to bring back, is there

a particular reason you're trying to bring it back now?

I'm just wondering whether the whole thing

is worth it.

Some of the girls are unhappy about it.

It's not very flattering to some of the girls.

And, when you throw that in the middle of a news story,

it really... brings us down to another level.

I just don't think it fits.

You need to see it, so we'll go over that, OK?

Bye.

PAUL: Go.

Think you've got a gaming addiction?

You've got nothing on Okan Kaya.

He actually played for hours at a time,

and then slept a bit.

Sports drinks helped him keep up his energy, ladies...

Basically, it's just, like, a butt shot,

and then split screen, so you get her shot and then

the girls over on the other set, speaking

on their part of the split.

I've got a really nice booty - it's one of my best "ass"ets -

so I'm really happy about it.

The viewers will finally get the full view.

It's what the viewers like, and that's what Peter loves,

so he's getting what he wants, and we don't have to

deal with the other "ass cam", which was,

well, disgusting.

IAN: So, good news. Check it out.

"News Off the Top" for today.

Wait for it.

Boom.

JEREMY: Alright!

And it works, 'cause it's a nice ass.

Let's just be honest here.

Viewers get their butts...

Yeah.

...anchors get their dignity...

Such as it is.

We've found a middle ground!

Perfect.

I'm pleased that there's finally a resolution to the

"butt cam" situation, and I think it's

a nice compromise.

I would not have quit over it.

I would have taken a Sharpie and graffiti-ed

my ass with "Now we're both asses!"

Something like that.

IAN: As is tradition around here, every four years,

we fuck up our election-day coverage.

ERICA: This is some serious news anchors over here!

Why do we have the table

when our fucking panties are up here?

Nobody ever listens to us!

LUCAS: It's tough finding the right girls for this program.

Hey. I'm Sarah, with...

MAN: Watch this walk-away.

So what brings you out to Naked News?

Actually, my fans.

Who are you that you have fans?

I'm Lucy, and, today, we're taking a look

at international glamour model Jordan Carver.

Yeah, very nice.

I haven't seen any of her clips, but, like, in my mind...

I know what a webcam girl is.

STEVE: To "Naked Lunch", our newest segment.

Let's not screw it up too badly.

KATHERINE: We took his mother's van, and then I lost

my virginity to "Paradise by the Dashboard Light".

This is "Naked Lunch"...

Yeah.

...and it sucks.

RENEE: Those two women are never going to sign up.

They've taken too many gender studies courses.

It's just not going to happen.

As they were exiting, one of the guys

came up to me and said, "So do we get, like,

free subscriptions?"

The initial response from most women:

"Why would anybody be interested in watching that?

You wouldn't be interested in watching that,

would you, random man?"

And, of course, his response is going to be...

EVERYONE: "No way! No, of course not!"

IAN: "That's awful! But they should have

more Asians on the show."

JEREMY: This has been awesome.

Can we do this every week?