Original subtitles

LUCAS: Peter has a few words to say to everyone

about the future.

PETER: The goal is to increase our traffic

by 240 percent.

VICTORIA: This is absolutely a survival issue.

LUCAS: You guys have downed a bottle of champagne,

and you're being silly...

PEYTON: Just like these!

LUCAS: ...you can't do your lines...

RACHELLE: Watch for our hallowind Halloween sp

Watch for our

LUCAS: Right off the bat, I'm fucking pissed off.

PEYTON: Don't be a fucking retard and be all narc-y,

like, "Oh, they were drinking in there", whatever.

VICTORIA: What I think really needs some help here

is the news portion.

MARINA: ...suicide attacks on NATO fuel convoys.

KATHERINE: "Naked News" is a name known around the world.

PETER: We've been sitting on our laurels

for way too long.

KATHERINE: But now, when I tell people I work for "Naked News",

the biggest reaction I get is "That's still going?"

And I'd like to change that.

ANNOUNCER: In 1999, an outrageous concept

grabbed a global audience.

Naked News went from internet novelty

to international success.

Years later, Naked News is still around, but it doesn't

have the heat it used to.

Today, a dedicated staff

is fighting to regain its past glory.

This is their story.

*

*

RACHEL: Something speciaaal!

Ahh!

JEREMY: It's Monday morning.

RACHEL: It's just for him!

Alrighty!

NATHAN: Rachel flashes me every day.

All I know is that she really likes showing me her boobs.

JEREMY: I'm a really lucky guy to have this job.

I think people would kill for this job.

But I have it.

It's mine.

STEVE: I used to joke, in the first year of directing,

that I was kind of like a doctor in terms of

how I admire naked women.

Now it's more of a gay doctor.

IAN: You get blind to the nudity.

It is an amazingly strange place to work.

JEREMY: It's a strange place to work.

MAN: Ow!

MAN: Oof!

WOMAN: Smell it!

WOMAN: ...or I'll stomp on your face!

LUCAS: We're a very lean operation.

Bare to the bones, here.

LUCAS: Stephen?

I need you to set up the camera so we can take a look

and see how things look through the camera.

STEPHEN: Every Halloween,

we do a special Halloween episode,

so decorations come out.

We've already shot some segments with the girls in costume.

KATHERINE: Halloween is one of my favourite times of the year.

RACHELLE: Welcome to our special, Halloween-themed

edition of "Cooking in the Raw".

RACHEL: This year, I've decided to be a sexy sea captain and

navigate the seas of Halloween!

STEPHEN: We did some of the setup last night,

and Lucas has come in this morning to put the final touches

on things to get it exactly the way he wants.

LUCAS: Ah!

STEPHEN: In terms of having an art director, we mostly

just do it ourselves.

MAN: Whoa!

STEPHEN: We're really trying to amp up the quality

of what we're producing.

We're trying to get a much better look - to not settle

for what we've been given, but to really examine,

"What can we do to make this better?"

MAN: He's going to be, like, a sideways ghost.

LUCAS: That's fine.

He's a ghost, so I don't care if we see his

MAN: We'll make sure that he turns around to face the...

LUCAS: No, I don't usually do set decorating,

but we're in crunch time, and, uh...

it kind of has to be done.

I thought it could be a little bit better, so it needs...

it needs some help.

ERICA: Hey, Lucas.

Good job.

Way to go, buddy.

Yeah, he's not done yet.

LUCAS: Everyone here wants to do things their way, OK?

And it's my job to make sure that it happens in a way.

GHOST:

LUCAS: Great, yeah.

Actually, maybe a little higher.

STEVE: And here we go...

Action.

VICTORIA: When Monday's third and final debate between

president Obama and...

LUCAS: Ever since Peter's meeting with everybody,

things have been happening.

We're renovating.

We're reinvigorating ourselves.

Peter has made a call to action to get everyone charged up

to create some new segments,

so I think everyone formed some committees, and now Steven

and Victoria are about to come talk about some of these

new ideas that they have.

STEVE: I'm feeling, maybe,

a little bit cynical.

I think, no matter what we do,

it's either going to end up with segments that either

get really watered down, or, worse, get implemented,

and then we're going to have a lot of work to do.

LUCAS: Peter? PETER: phone> Yes?

LUCAS: How are you doing? It's Lucas.

PETER: Hi.

LUCAS: I'm here with Vic and Steve.

PETER: OK.

STEVE: We are ready to pitch-slap you, sir.

We came up with, like, 15 things.

We're not going to hit you guys with all 15.

LUCAS: Fifteen? STEVE: Yes.

LUCAS: Ha ha ha! STEVE: First one:

working title, "Naked Lunch".

Two anchors sitting in the lunchroom, and it's basically

just a fun conversation with two anchors,

and we're like a fly on the wall, so to speak.

"Naked Lunch" is just a very coy way of us getting extra

food in here for free, and invoicing it to the company.

So "How are they dressed?", then, is the question.

VICTORIA & LUCAS: Naked. STEVE: Naked, I guess.

LUCAS: You can't have a "naked lunch" with them in clothes.

STEVE: Right. But is it weird that they're just

sitting there, naked? I mean, I guess not necessarily.

LUCAS: No.

STEVE: Chinese food would be great for "Naked Lunch",

absolutely, because it would be delicious,

and I like Chinese food.

LUCAS: "Naked Lunch", great idea.

VICTORIA: Alright, viewers' mail.

The anchors would like to take another look at viewers' mail.

Instead of reading something off paper, invite the viewers -

especially the really talkative ones:

bring them into the studio, and watch them

interact with us on a certain topic.

LUCAS: Did I hear you just say that you want to bring

our fans into the studio? Did I hear that right?

VICTORIA: Well, not all at once.

We have to make sure we outnumber them.

LUCAS: Peter, what do you think of that?

MAN: There it is.

EILA: And that was that.

Oh my God, I am so excited: Halloween!

I found the funniest costume online.

It's a sexy giraffe, believe it or not.

MARINA: How do you do a sexy giraffe?

EILA: It has, like, a headpiece, and, like,

a neckpiece, and it's just, like, this tube dress with,

like, giraffe print. It's so cute.

I thought that the giraffe was just

MARINA: Pop on the set with it?

EILA: I've never seen a giraffe before.

RACHEL: I'm so looking forward to

your giraffe-y costume.

You're going to be the sexiest giraffe ever!

EILA: I know!

This will be my first year actually wearing

the costume during the news.

STEVE: Next, a very fun idea.

It's called "Versus", where you take two anchors,

and they would engage in kind of head-to-head competition.

The first one I thought of, too, they've got

this place in town, it's kind of like archery,

but it's with axes.

You just throw axes at shit.

LUCAS: Peter, what do you think of that?

PETER: Yeah. LUCAS: That's it?

STEVE: Awesome. VICTORIA: Wait, wait, wait.

STEVE: Wait, wait, wait, Peter, Peter.

VICTORIA: Before we wrap this up, we haven't even

talked about the other half of the show:

the "Naked News" news portion. LUCAS: Yes.

Is it a tired format?

Do we need to change it?

VICTORIA: Thanks for joining us. I'm Victoria Sinclair.

LUCAS: Peter wants this show

to be like "ABC World News Tonight".

VICTORIA: The scandal has raised

major security concerns in Washington.

LUCAS: That may have given us longevity, but it's also

a barrier that's not allowing us to grow.

VICTORIA: General John Allen allegedly sent inappropriate

emails to another woman at the heart of the scandal.

The news really has to be shaken up; it's stale.

The biggest problem we face is that what we're going to

wear is decided before we know what the news is, so

we're completely unresponsive to the day's events.

The disrobe during the major news is possible sometimes.

MAN: Hi, Vic.

Uh, what are we doing here this morning?

VICTORIA: Oh, you're asking me?

MAN: I'm asking you, yeah.

VICTORIA: The script never tells me when to disrobe,

only that I need to be out of my suit, for example,

by the end of part one.

But, as I look at part one, I don't see a...

MAN: Part two has you starting in lingerie, so...

VICTORIA: Yes. I have this issue almost daily.

I'm talking about the exhumed body Yasser Arafat.

That's not an appropriate time to take anything off.

Talking about any dead bodies?

I don't care if you're a fan or not, that is not the time

to be adding or, putting value-added entertainment.

LUCAS: Peter...

Our news presentation, do we need to change it?

What are your thoughts?

LUCAS: Alright, thank you.

VICTORIA: Thanks, Peter. LUCAS: Bye.

STEVE: I think the best possible outcome to come

out of this is maybe, a week from now, Peter will have

forgotten we've ever had the meeting, and then it's just

back to business as usual.

MAN: That's what a goddess of love should do.

And one last set of blown kisses to the camera -

you are the goddess of love.

Come into the light, come into the light.

That is it.

PETER: Hey, Lucas. LUCAS: How are you doing, Peter?

MICHAEL: The owner has given me the challenge,

and it's a big one:

a 240 percent increase in traffic.

And I'm going to do it.

LUCAS: I'm a little hesitant about what he's going

to be doing, and if he's going to be able to do it.

This is the same guy we worked with a couple of years ago.

They brought him on to do some marketing.

He didn't do anything.

Come in.

MICHAEL: Lucas. Hi. I'm Michael Haffner.

LUCAS: Michael!

I hear you're our new "VP", quote-unquote,

of sales and marketing.

MICHAEL: Yeah. Well, I'm glad we have this chance to talk,

'cause, you know, you're creating this product,

and I'm driving all kinds of traffic to it,

so I need to make sure,

you know, the users have a great product that they're

going to subscribe to, and we can all achieve these goals.

LUCAS: Yeah.

MICHAEL: I also have a few comments, myself,

just as a viewer - and it goes back even 10 years ago.

LUCAS: Yeah.

MICHAEL: "'The Naked News'? Oh, let's check it out."

And there they are.

You know, they're in full business outfit,

and they're starting to tell the news about

some horrible international story, and, you know,

they're disrobing.

MARINA: ...says Solorio was bitten in the upper torso

before being pulled out of the water by a friend.

MICHAEL: And it's almost a bit awkward, it's distracting.

They're doing it almost in a robotic way

that they're pretending that they're

really not doing it.

LUCAS: "Naked News", as you know, is an ongoing concern.

It has been for quite some time.

We're always open to changes, but we're working within a box.

MICHAEL: Mhm.

LUCAS: And if that box can be opened, I mean,

that's only something Peter can give me authority on.

MICHAEL: Have you ever had any focus groups, where you've

actually asked users what they like about the show,

what they don't like?

LUCAS: A focus group would be fantastic.

ERICA: Do you guys want to run this?

MAN: And... here it is.

ERICA: Let's hear it, peanuts!

MAN: Oh, snap!

ERICA: I know Colbert is conservative,

but I didn't know that he's a tea-bagger!

MAN: Boo!

ERICA: Yes! Nothing but net. Swish!

MICHAEL: OK, Kirby.

Great to be able to review the site with you.

KIRBY: My name is Kirby Stasyna, and my job here

is manager of the web operations.

I originally was with "Naked News"

when I came up with the idea, and that was back in 1998.

VICTORIA: Who will assume the most powerful position

in the world - George W. Bush or Al Gore?

KIRBY: We were sitting around jamming one night,

and hit on this concept while we were watching the news.

And it was just this idea: men could concentrate on the

information more if they didn't have to

visualize the women naked.

VICTORIA: Ralph Nader received three percent of the vote,

with 2.63 million votes.

MICHAEL: As you know, I've been charged with driving a lot of

traffic to the site, so I need to make sure it all works well.

Now, this is just a mess.

It's a dog's breakfast.

This looks 10 years old.

I'll be blunt: it sucks.

I've got a lot of work to do, here.

KIRBY: Just like the other marketing people that have

come in, the first thing they do is tell you

what you're doing wrong.

MICHAEL: It's just so busy.

I know it's meant to be informative,

but it's actually overwhelming.

KIRBY: He'll learn soon enough.

There are roadblocks that he will have to face,

and that's convincing Peter that what he's doing is right.

I have no control over this page, myself.

You're going to have to get authorization from Peter

directly to change a period on this page.

MICHAEL: I will get you your approval.

STEVE: Hm. That works.

VICTORIA: A big "Happy Halloween",

and welcome, one and all.

You've reached "Naked News". I'm Victoria Sinclair.

ERICA: And I'm Erica Stevens.

We've got an extra special

Halloween program lined up for you.

VICTORIA: Our naked nerd, Katherine Curtis,

is standing by.

ERICA: As are the dynamic duo of Rachelle Wilde

and Peyton Priestly, who are

cooking something up for the occasion

in "Cooking in the Raw".

VICTORIA: But first, the news, and the toll

that Superstorm Sandy has taken on the East Coast of the U.S.

ERICA: Yes. Eila Adams is standing by in the newsroom

with the latest.

EILA: Thanks, ladies, and happy Halloween, everyone.

Over 7,000,000 people are without power along the U.S. ...

STEVE: "Giraffe Adams" makes me laugh so much.

It's kind of the best thing ever.

EILA: Across the northeast,

16 deaths have been blamed on Sandy.

With blackout warnings still in effect along

the mid-Atlantic coast...

STEVE: So it's kind of like a giraffe ripping off

its own skin here, is what we're seeing,

which is kind of disturbing.

EILA: There's the port authority

of New York & New Jersey...

STEVE: And then, by the end of it,

she's just part giraffe, part woman -

like a man had sex with a giraffe, and then they had

this hybrid giraffe baby who grew up to read news.

EILA: ...of Sandy's path.

We'll be right back.

LUCAS: Halloween tradition is that most people dress up -

I mean, whoever wants to.

MARINA: It does!

She kind of sounds like her sassy sister.

EVERYONE: Happy birthday!

MAN: Good-looking costume!

LUCAS: "Wackiest costume" always goes to Ian,

who always pretends to be someone's relative.

IAN: See? He's going to cry.

LUCAS: This year, it's Eila's brother.

And the "best costume", every year, goes to Nate.

NATHAN: Today is Halloween,

and, you know, a few people are dressed up, myself included.

I made this beard of bees.

LUCAS: He painted all the little bees himself.

It's crazy.

NATHAN: To people who are allergic to bees,

bees are very scary, so...

LEO: Yeah, Nate came in.

He spent months and months on his costume.

And we knew he was up to something.

We couldn't figure out what it was.

So he came in this morning, dressed with his beard thing,

and we were like, "OK, we can't leave this alone."

LUCAS: Those guys are just

You know, they just like to have a little fun.

ANDREA: We thought we would one-up him

and be a little bit more clever, play off of his cleverness.

NATHAN: Well, it's definitely generating a lot of buzz.

Hopefully, it's the sweetest costume here.

Um...

I'm running out of puns I can make about this costume.

LUCAS: Hello? PETER: phone> Hi, Lucas.

LUCAS: Hey, Peter. How are you doing?

LUCAS: Yes, I did.

LUCAS: No, I was watching Anderson Cooper last night.

LUCAS: Yeah?

LUCAS: Well, no, we had our Halloween show on Tuesday,

'cause you know how our show airs at 5, Eastern Time,

until the next day, 5 Eastern.

LUCAS: Yeah?

LUCAS: No, that was our previous day's show.

LUCAS: Peter is definitely in the picture a lot more,

these days - ever since that gauntlet was thrown down that

he wants to improve traffic, improve the program,

improve everything about this place.

LUCAS: Well, we had an entire show that was Halloween.

LUCAS: He likes to micromanage, you know?

And this place runs smoothly when he's not watching the show.

LUCAS: No, I don't recall that.

IAN: The cleverest thing Lucas ever did

was put the Halloween show on October the 30th.

JEREMY: Mhm.

IAN: That way, no one could ever discover it.

LUCAS: No, that's not true,

'cause I don't see your point of view.

I'm agreeing with you because this is your opinion.

He believes he knows better than anybody else.

And who are you to question that?

And, working for him, I question that all the time,

but, you know what?

At the end of the day, it's his company.

IAN: There she is: Giraffe Adams.

Very appropriate, because I think, if you're going

to report on a disaster,

why not be a little bit of a disaster yourself?

EILA: Apparently, my costume was inappropriate

for what I was reporting on.

But, then again, we had that show planned.

We don't know what's going to be on the news that day.

LUCAS: It was our Halloween show.

JEREMY: Peter runs a business where people tell the news

and get naked when they do that.

IAN: Yes.

JEREMY: If they happen to be wearing a costume,

all of a sudden we've crossed the line.

IAN:

LUCAS: We're "Naked News".

We strip. We disrobe.

We're naked in stories that involve serious issues

every single day.

In and of itself, that is ridiculous to anybody.

LUCAS: No, no. We have guidelines.

EILA: There's 18 commandments.

LUCAS: The 18 commandments are certain rules that have

been put into place over the years about things we do

and things we don't do, one of them being

"Don't disrobe through death."

EILA: So I guess I broke the commandment, and, uh

Well, actually, I didn't, because I didn't strip

during the death story.

It was the end story.

Here are some accounts to consider following:

there's the Port Authority of New York & New Jersey,

which operates the area's three major airports...

IAN: The good news is that most of the people who would have

been insulted by that - i.e., New Yorkers - wouldn't have

any electricity, anyway, so they couldn't see the show.

JEREMY: Yeah, they couldn't see it.

IAN: So, no problem.

JEREMY: They're not going to go back into our archives.

IAN: Yeah.

Besides, they would be looking on the wrong day, anyhow.

They would be looking on October 31st

for the Halloween show, and they wouldn't find it.

EILA: Well, I guess it would have been Lucas' fault,

because he was the one that okayed it.

LUCAS: OK. PETER: Take care. Bye.

LUCAS: Thank you, Peter. Bye.

DAVID: Hi, guys. MICHAEL: So this is the setup?

DAVID: Yeah, this is what we're doing tonight.

We have about six, seven people, men and women, a mix of ages -

and we're going to be showing them some content,

some different segments, you know, seeing their reaction -

what they like, what they don't like.

LUCAS: When Michael Haffner came on board, having a focus group,

it became a serious conversation, and so it's

going to be our first time really ever getting that sort

of feedback from a group of people - the kind of feedback

we've been looking for for a while now.

DAVID: A lot of nice stuff to drink and eat.

We're going to watch some television

and get your response to it,

and the folks behind this show are really eager to hear

what you guys think.

Who's heard of "The Naked News"?

WOMAN: I have. MAN: I have.

DAVID: Has anyone actually watched it before?

RICK: When it first came out,

yeah, 'cause it was such a big splash, but I was surprised

to find out today that it's actually still on,

'cause I had thought - maybe I misheard from someone -

that it was no longer on the air.

VICTORIA: Recently, oil and gas company Saudi Aramco

was subjected to one of the most devastating

cyber attacks on record.

Now, American officials are pointing the finger at Iran

as being the likely culprit.

MARINA: And, in Afghanistan,

an elite German special forces team has captured

a key member of the Taliban.

Mullah Abdul Rahman is believed to be behind

suicide attacks on NATO fuel convoys.

DAVID: What's your overall reaction?

AARON: I actually did like the girls.

I thought they were good-looking,

and I just felt like they seemed fairly comfortable

and into it, but it does seem a bit gimmicky,

and I just don't really see what the nudity adds to it,

other than a distraction, maybe.

REBECCA: As they're talking about the violence

and the girl is, like, taking off her bathing suit,

it's just like,

"Did you think about the content of the story

when you were pairing that?

Do you want to maybe talk about, you know,

how horrible the violence is there,

and you're, like, shimmying out of your bathing suit?"

It's just in such poor taste.

AARON: I think it's pretty clear that it's, like,

very objectifying to women.

I mean, I understand why they wouldn't be interested

in watching it.

RACHEL: And that's the final buzzer

on your midweek look at sports.

For "Naked News", I'm Rachel Simmons.

DAVID: Besides the nudity,

what caught your attention the most about the show?

JEFF: I thought it was kind of cheesy, actually -

even, like, the background,

and just the way it looked.

REBECCA: Every single girl was white and waxed, completely.

It makes me think that this show is for straight white people,

probably mostly men.

RACHEL: Why is Wasaga the best place to hang out?

Why is it a good place for a vacation?

WOMAN: Great beach, great sand, hot bodies...

RICK:

RACHEL: How many hook-ups you got?

MAN: Uh, three. RACHEL: Don't lie!

MAN: Uh... thirteen. horn>

AARON:

DAVID: Was there anything about that episode that people liked?

JOHNNY: The comedy was there, you know what I mean?

It definitely made us chuckle a little bit.

DAVID: Right.

AARON: Yeah. To me, that was, like, the most entertaining

part of the show I've seen.

JEFF: It was fun. It was fun to watch.

There was more humour.

REBECCA: She's, like, conversational, and sarcastic,

and obviously funny.

AARON: I mean, that sort of seems more like what this show

kind of could be.

DAVID: Final thoughts? Final recommendations?

AARON: I wouldn't be embarrassed to tell people

that I watch "The Naked News",

but I just see it as very, like, low-brow,

not-high-quality programming, so, I mean,

I don't think I would be,

you know, proud if this is where I get my news from.

MAN: Right.

AARON: Or if this is where I get my nudity from, either,

for that matter.

DAVID: OK, guys. We're done.

Thanks so much for coming and sharing your thoughts.

LUCAS: This sucks.

DAVID: Well, um...

LUCAS: That was pretty negative.

It was tough.

You know, I thought it would be negative.

I didn't think it would be that negative.

DAVID: I'd say that there was some constructive feedback.

I think it does need evolution.

MICHAEL: There's no question about that.

PETER: The focus was completely,

utterly mishandled.

This was shit in, and you got shit out.

VICTORIA: We don't have a strong enough identity,

so they're going to be disappointed, no matter what.

MAN: "Flex Appeal"? Is this what we stand for?

Is this what "Naked News" is?

WOMAN: What are you fucking looking at me like that for?

Jesus Christ ! Get in the car!

WOMAN: All the streets are fucking cluttered

with human litter and fucking ...

WOMAN: Please, God, help me.

WOMAN: Would you stop staring at them like that?

You've got to look at the camera a little bit!

WOMAN: 'Cause, you know what?

I live in Collingwood, I've got my two grandkids here,

and that is fucking disgusting.

WOMAN: How is it

Well, your language is a bit disgusting.

VICTORIA: Yeah, did you know about this, um...

well, the perv-cam?

MAN: Peter loves...

Well, you know that: he's an ass man, right?

KATHERINE: No, no, no. No. No!

If this is our jobs on the line, we're not going to have them.

EILA: A World War II-era unexploded bomb was found

by construction crews near one of the runways.

The airport served as a training school during the war,

and was a target of U.S. bombers.

Now officials are trying to decide whether they should

detonate the 550-pound American-made bomb -

which would mean a week's worth of preparations -

or move it off-site.

Fortunately, officials say there is no immediate threat

of an explosion.

From the Naked Newsroom, I'm Eila Adams.