All language subtitles for Married With Children

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Dad's coming. Dad's coming.

Don't giggle. You'll give it away.

He's not to know Mom commissioned
a painting of herself for $2500.

Really. Don't.

Okay, okay.
Did you leave the price tag on?

No, really, really, don't.
This could kill him, you know.

Wait. Bud, don't we have
a loyalty to the man?

That's a good one.

I think he's coming. Okay.

- Keep a straight face.
- Okay.

Hi, kids.

What?

What?

Nothing.
I guess we just love you so much.

I've had a rotten day
and I'm in a foul mood.

A fat woman came in
and said she was a size five.

I shoved her hoof into a shoe...

...my thumb got stuck
in the back of the shoe.

She panicked, reared up,
and galloped around the store...

...dragging me on the floor
behind her.

Thank God a stick of butter
popped out her purse...

...and I greased my way out of there.

You know, we can't do this to the man.
We have to warn him.

- Daddy?
- What?

Nothing.

Oh, by the way,
is your mom upstairs?

- No, Dad.
- Good.

Thank goodness
I don't have to look at her tonight.

Feet. Women. Women's feet. Women.
Painting?

I don't understand.

Now, surely you'd think
he'd be screaming by now.

Well, maybe we don't give Dad
enough credit.

I mean, maybe he realizes
that he's been neglecting Mom lately...

...and he's probably pondering that now
as he gazes fondly upon the face...

...of his one true love.

Oh, no!

Or maybe not.

How do you feel, Daddy?

Like any man who just fell two stories
and landed on his head.

Grateful not to be with your mother.

- How long was I out?
- Two hours.

Well, why didn't you call 911?

I couldn't remember the number.

Well, it doesn't matter.

Do you know what happened
when I was unconscious?

Oh, yeah. Kelly opened a Coors bottle
with your teeth.

Don't listen to him, Dad.
It was only a soda.

You had some too.

- Shut up. Right in front of Dad.
- You started it.

Oh, please.
It doesn't matter what you did.

It only matters that I actually saw...

...God.

Okay.

Kel, he may not be able
to sell shoes anymore...

...but we can get him a gig
going cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

But I really did see him.

Dad, please don't tell
anybody else about this...

...because nobody is dumb enough
to believe...

What did God look like, Dad?

I don't know.
I couldn't take my eyes off his shoes.

- You saw God's shoes?
- They were perfect, kids.

Close-fitting,
surrounding each toe individually.

- Probably a soft-worked kid leather.
- Well, what did you say to God?

I said,
"Where'd you get those shoes?"

You had one chance to talk
to the eternal creator...

...of time, space
and the infinite universe...

...and all you asked
is where he got his shoes?

Did you tell him
your football stories?

It was God, you idiot.

He knows my football stories.

Actually, I asked him
something very important.

I said, what socks did he wear?
And you know what he said?

"Don't need them. They're sewed in."

Must I be the meat
in an imbecile sandwich?

Bud, this is important.

Now, Daddy, the next time
that you talk to God...

...ask him
who's really buying Dockers.

Come on. God can't be concerned
with these trivialities.

We're talking shoes here.

Now, kids, I now know
what my mission in life is.

God chose me
to make the perfect shoes.

God's shoes.

Kids, bring me pen and paper
at once.

Thank you.
Take this down quickly.

Thou shalt have shoes
with toes stitched in.

Thou shalt have socks
attacheth to yon shoes.

And thou shalt have a lot of other stuff
that will come forthwith.

It is I, I, Al Bundy...

...who shall shod
the unwashed masses.

I shalt not rest until every foot
sings the praises of thine shoes.

Hallelujah, I say. Hallelujah!

I don't think
I've ever been prouder of him.

Well, God created both of you.
Think of the pride he's feeling.

So let us understand.

Your father has locked himself
in his room to build God's shoes.

And Peggy?

Sensing Dad's delicate condition,
she took back the painting...

...kept the money
and went to the Mardi Gras.

He's really been up there
40 days and 40 nights?

Well, actually,
40 days and 39 nights.

He took a break to watch
Planet of the D Cups.

He said God told him to.

- Think he'll be all right, Mrs. D'Arcy?
- How much worse can he be?

Behold, I hold God's shoes.

But who holds Dad's brain?

Yea, so it cameth to be
that I laboured 40 days and 40 nights.

Let the rains come.
Thou shalt have shoe.

This should do wonders
for my property value.

Are thine worthy
to gaze upon yon shoe?

Brush your teeth.

Nobody cares about your stupid shoes
and nobody believes...

Let me gaze upon the shoes, Al.

Surely you cannot be serious!

Marcie, don't you understand?

Don't you see the glory
and the majesty of what I just saw?

The perfect marketing hook.

And I'm in on the ground floor.
I can see the billboards now.

"Al knows God,
and God knows shoes."

It's a sales bonanza, Marcie.

How much money do we have?

Well, I have
several thousand dollars.

You have change for coffee.

I shall go forth unto the people
to reveal God's shoes...

...and multiply upon them.

Let me come with you, Al, and learn.

- How much we gonna charge per pair?
- I will hear nothing of price.

That's your job.
You're the marketing guy.

Hey, babe, this is Grand Master B.

I was wondering if you'd join me
in the back seat of a moving vehicle...

...for a ride so wild
you gots to be 21.

Yes, that was my father
walking the freeway in his robe.

Goodbye.

Boy, you know, they talk about
an illiterate society.

Well, it seems to me
that everyone reads the newspaper.

Well, I don't
and I still believe in Dad.

Well, not quite as much as I did
with his failure...

...to walk across Lake Michigan
to spread the shoe to Canada...

...but he is going into production
on these shoes.

Five thousand pairs.

Wonder where he got the money.

Did I leave my new Rolex over here?

God, I am just
so scatterbrained lately.

I mean, first I misplace my watch.

And then I can't seem to remember...

...this $25,000 check
made out to cash...

...that I seemed to have written
in someone else's handwriting.

By the way, has anyone seen
my soon-to-be-late husband?

Well, who wants to touch
the prototypes?

We got thousands of these babies
rolling off the assembly line now.

Jefferson...

...before I tell the baby
why its father is buried...

...in four or five separate graves...

...can you tell me
where every cent I have is?

Advertising, baby.

We contacted all the big talk shows
about having Al on.

He should be on any minute.

Just what big-time talk show
did you book him onto?

Welcome back to Scary Mary's
Real Scary Mummy Movie Matinee.

Now, before we get back
to our feature called...

...What's That in the Bathroom?

...we have a special treat
for you kids.

Our special guest is Al Bundy,
shoe salesman.

I've seen this show. It's excellent.

This is what you booked him on?

Well, every time I called Oprah
it seemed to be lunchtime.

We're on our way, baby.
We're on our way.

Kids, Al here says that he was scared
out of his bedroom window...

...by a picture of his wife.

Al says he saw God
after he hit the pavement.

Then what happened, Al?

Well, Scary Mary...

...I saw God's shoes.

Tell us all about it, Al.

Well, Mary, believe it or not...

...people mock me
for me having seen God's shoes.

They throw things, shoot pellets at me,
sic dogs at me.

And I know some of you kids out there
are the ones responsible for it.

I'll get you, I swear.

But I just persevere
with my message.

Well, there you have it,
boys and girls.

Al Bundy.

You might want to check
under your beds for him tonight.

And now, back to our movie.

Wait. I was told I could
sell my shoes on this show.

- Your producers promised me.
- Look, what do you want from me?

I'm just a hand in a crummy sock.

You'll be a sock full of bloody knuckles
if I don't get to peddle my shoes here!

I'm on a holy mission.

Stagehand! Stagehands over here.

Well, they're God's shoes
and they're real comfortable.

See, the socks are already built in.

- Kids, if you're by the phone...
- See, I wear them myself. See?

- 911. Can we get that on the screen?
- I'll kill you, Mary! I'll kill you!

Sell it, baby, sell it.
Next stop, Ted Koppel.

I bet Koppel gives him
the whole half-hour.

Well, maybe 15 minutes.

The rest will be taken up by the
"headless man found in lake" story.

- When did that happen?
- Soon, honey.

Point your staff at them, Dad.
Turn them all into snakes.

That's not a staff, Kel.

It's a branch one of
the neighbourhood kids threw at him.

Well, what's the difference?

He's still got the shoe pointed
at a camera. Way to go, buddy.

Idiot.

You sunk all of my money
into this man's vision?

Hey, trust me just a little, babe.

This is to loosen him up
in front of the camera.

I'm gonna plaster his face
all over the tube.

Welcome to People to Laugh At.

I'm Dr. Jonathan Blue.

Today's panel is made up of people
who have had head injuries...

...and claim to have seen God.

Let's start with Bob here.

Well, I was eating
in this restaurant...

...and a waitress hits my head
with a tray...

...and I saw God
in my hot and sour soup.

He told me,
"Don't order the meat loaf."

Good, Bob. Lola?

I fell off this table I was dancing on
and there he was.

I gave him change for a 5.

Thank you, Lola.

And now, not just a man
who saw God...

...but a man who's actually
gone into business with him:

Al Bundy.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...I will demonstrate the power
of the shoes.

I shall release them so you may
see them hover and fly about me.

That's great, Al.

Let's get to some callers,
shall we?

Our first caller is Jerry,
a trucker from lowa.

What would you like to ask
of those who've been touched?

I'd lik e to see the girlie dance.

We'll just go to our next caller.

Derrick from Peoria.

Derrick, do you have a question
about an out-of-body experience?

Yeah, I got this '85 Bonneville...

...and the side mouldings
just won't stay on...

Derrick, that's out-of-body experience,
not auto-body experience.

Well, can I see the girlie dance?

Doc, I think we've got another caller.

Okay, okay. Go ahead, caller.

Yeah, this is for the insane guy
with the shoes.

Yes?

My name is Bu... Bub.
Yeah, Bub.

Listen, did you ever once think what
your insanity is doing to your family?

Especially your son.

Put on your pants,
for heaven's sak e.

Go to work, you bum.

Bud? Bud, is that you?

I'm warning you, Dad.
I will not live lik e this.

Don't you understand it's hard enough
to get a date...

These people are morons.
Let's go to the next caller.

No more calls?

Okay, baby, dance.

All in all, not bad.

Come on, babe.

I still think this God angle's
gonna bring in the suckers.

Oh, please.

The only thing biblical about this
is the proportion of its failure.

If I might be so old
as to interject here.

Now, I will grant you that God's shoes
is somewhat, well, silly.

But not any sillier than the pet rock,
the mood ring...

...or, of course,
NBC's Sunday night line-up.

Now, the point here is:

Why don't we just give Dad a chance?
It might just work.

Why didn't it work?

Because it was a stupid idea, Daddy.

I mean, if we think about it...

...God probably doesn't
even need shoes.

He can afford good carpeting.

And if he ever needed anything...

...like a Big Gulp
or batteries or something...

...l'm sure the 7-Elevens up in heaven
don't have those signs that say:

"No shirt, no shoes, no service."

And even if they did...

...who's gonna yank a Slim Jim
out of God's mouth?

Or is all this
just going over your head?

No, honey. No, it's not.

It's just dancing around in there
with some of your other ponderings.

Like, "What would a chair
look like...

...if our knees were
in the back of our legs?"

I made a teacher retire with that one.

Yeah. Well, at least
there's something.

What, Daddy?

They're repossessing Marcie's car.

I didn't know
they had a hood ornament.

No, that's just
what's left of Jefferson.

Well, at least
he's out of his pain now.

You know, I sense you're getting down
on yourself, Daddy, and that's wrong.

I mean, look on the bright side.

Most men with your string of failures
would have long since have tasted...

...the cold, cruel blade
of his own Ginsu by now.

But not you, Daddy.

You keep trying and that's
what makes you Daddy, Daddy.

And as long as you don't tell
any of my friends, I love you.

Well, thank you, pumpkin.

That makes old Dad feel a lot better.

Attadaddy.

See, that's what I was talking about.

Most men wouldn't bother to
flap their arms, but you keep trying.

Daddy?

You again.

You're God?

No. I'm Sidney Rimhollow.

I was a shoe salesman
outside of Tulsa.

I got the idea for these shoes
back in 1925.

Didn't sell a one.

But luckily, I had a loving wife
and two children...

...who hired a hit man to kill me.

Why didn't you tell me
the shoes were no good?

Well, you thought I was God.
So I went along with it.

You won't get away with it.
I'm telling God.

- Where is he?
- No, no, no. He can't be disturbed.

He's watching Knots Landing.

I always wondered
why that show was never cancelled.

Well, where's my cloud,
my harp and my virgin?

Sorry, Al, you're not dead yet.

But this time we're not
sending you back empty-handed.

Listen. I got this idea...

So you see, kids, there's really
no reason to worry about me anymore.

I have divine guidance now.

Sid and I put our heads together
and came up with a new idea.

Shoehorn of Plenty.

See, kids, it's kind of a combination
shoe store and burger joint.

While you eat, you try on shoes.

By the way, did I say
the burgers coming down the shoot...

...will be shaped like a shoehorn?

No, Dad, you didn't.

Well, I can't take credit for that idea.
That was John Wayne.

But you know
what our motto's gonna be?

"If you're not shod,
the meal's on God."

I guess that'll put to rest
those rumours of my insanity.

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