All language subtitles for Camping.US.S01E05.720p.WEB.H264-METCON

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Well, I guess Tai Chi
can fuck right off...

...along with everything else
I’ve ever planned.

Hey, could you please
rant somewhere else?

I was up ‘til 4 a.m.
working on my novel.

- You’re writing a novel?
- Yeah.

It’s for school,
it’s 724 pages so far.

Well, congrats
on your productive night.

I took a study drug and nearly died.

I believe a university in New Jersey
that I could give two shits about.

Last night, I dreamed
that I was like falling through.

It’s not uncommon.

- I think dreams go very deep.
- Hi. Hello.

Am I Casper the Friendly Ghost
or something

with my invisible ghost itinerary?

Hey, honey, where have you been?
You have like a sheen about you.

Where have I been?
I just returned from a rage walk.

Oh, that reminds me.
I need some exercise.

Like Tai Chi for example,
that was maybe on your itinerary?

That sounds fun.
Should we do that later?

Yuck, no. Let’s do that, Japanese
YouTube tutorial on ice cream dancing.

Right? You know what I’m talking about?
It’s amazing.

- I love Japanese videos.
- It’s really amazing.

- No. Ice cream?
- I mean, it's an outside...

Listen up! I don’t care
about your ice cream dancing

or about any of your exercise
regiment to be honest.

I am sorry to be hostile, NJ,
it’s not about you.

But I feel the need to say
that it’s become very clear to me

that nobody cares to follow the ideal
schedule I so carefully constructed.

Including you, which is fine,
but it makes me need to tell you

that you can fuck right off,
and find your own fun.

- Whoa, Katty.
- Excuse my French.

I am just still cranked out of my mind
from the pill that Jandice gave me.

Okay. I’m sorry about that.

But I tend to think
that any new experience is worthwhile,

no matter what it is, you know.

- That’s so true.
- So real.

So, if you are looking
at your itinerary, doubtful,

then I should let you know that
the omelet jam has been canceled.

- No.
- Yes, canceled.

Wait, there’s no jam?
I just made fresh toast.

No, there is jam, you dumb fuck.
It’s on the table in front of you.

- There is no omelet jam.
- Oh, yeah, it’s right there.

However, I should let you know
that some sort of animal

has gotten into the bulk of our food,
including the cheese,

which is full of some kind
of odd little bite marks.

So you can find your own breakfast.

Walter, Carleen, please be dressed
in seven minutes.

We need to replenish our supplies.

As for the rest of you,
you can all fuck right off.

Enjoy the scope of your morning.

- It’s in you.
- Okay, got to go.

You know, guys, I’m going to get
to the super mart, I’m going to...

- Walter!
- Yep.

Hi, hey.

You want to unwrap me,
or should I unwrap myself?

Then Jandie can taste the candy.

I can’t right now.
I’m journaling some feelings.

Are they sexy feelings?

No, they’re angry feelings.

Is this about last night?
The ring thing?

- Nope.
- ‘Cause I’m here.

- If you want to talk about it.
- I don’t need to talk about it.

Okay, well,
what would cheer my baby up?

Shall we go to town,

get some coffee,
I’ll buy you some fun little toys, huh?

- Come on!
- Okay, fine.

But you have to wear your gift.

This is brisk, huh? Nice and brisk. It’s
great to get a break from the group.

- Right?
- Are you having fun?

Right now I’m just trying to figure
out which direction we came from.

I’ve got an iPhone compass
mid-download.

On this trip?

- No.
- What do you mean no?

I mean for the same reasons
you mean no.

It’s kind of a dreadful trip,
everybody’s either in a massive crisis

or trying to knit me a fisherman’s cap
for my outsized head or both.

But we aren’t in crisis, are we?

Are you fucking kidding me?
We’re in constant crisis.

It’s been a cold war
since we started the trip,

but make no mistake,
Rome is definitely burning baby doll

and the match that lit it
is that other guy’s dick.

You want to have
this conversation now?

Hey, relationships are hard, right?

And you and I are basically,
you know, look, it’s like this hike,

there’s some nice flat stretches,
and then some fucking climbs

and at the end of the climb,
you’re still panting,

well, I’m still panting
after our emotional climb.

- And I was also bitten by a snake.
- When?

When? It’s a metaphor.

The snake being that I know
you had lunch with Braylen.

- What?
- I’m sorry.

It’s hard to break the habit
of going through your phone,

but it was four months
without me checking it

and this trip has just been
one trigger after another.

And your pass code is so easy,
6969, you little freak.

And so in I went and I saw that you were
making lunch plans with Braylen.

Are you fucking serious?

So you mean to say that you did
not make lunch plans with Braylen?

You did not make a date
to shit on my heart

over avocado toast and wedge salads?

I mean to say that his mother’s sick
and we discussed it

and I decided to do what’s best
for our relationship and not go.

Oh, what a comfort, what a comfort.

So, you decided
to not fully poison our relationship,

but instead just lightly sprinkle
arsenic all over it. Thank you so much.

How long do I have to pay
for my mistake?

I thought you paid in full,
it seemed like you did.

But now you are
on a layaway plan again for sure.

You know what?
I’m not in the mood for a WUWU.

- A what?
- A WUWU.

A W-U-W-U.
What’s up with us?

I asked you a question.
How long do I have to pay?

I don’t know.

How long did it take you to pay off
those rooms at the Ace Hotel?

George, no.

Him being a very stylish
and markedly younger man

was it important to his hipsterdom

to fuck in a hotel
that embodied his very nature?

Could he not get off
without a needlepoint of a badger,

and a vintage mirror in the room?

I’m not doing this.

- I came on this trip for you.
- And I know that.

I’m here for you.

Oh, God, so lovely of you
to be there for me.

I am so grateful for that.

And deep down inside myself,

I will treasure this gesture
‘til the day I fucking die.

But I guess it kind of sucks for me

when I’m on this trip
and I look at these other couples

and they have not fucking cheated
on each other

and they don’t even have a Braylen.

These couples?

They despise each other.
Have you not seen them?

Please can we save this
for Dr. Schildkraut?

I have things that I want to say
and I save them, I lock them up,

I don’t yell them the minute
that they come to me.

Oh, congrats, Hillary Clinton.
Nice poker face.

Got it.

Everyone probably expects me
to give you a list of items,

but honestly I don’t care.

I carefully grocery shopped,
and an animal ate those shoppings,

so nobody would’ve appreciated
my mire lemon chicken,

and couscous anyway,
so just buy whatever you like.

Didn’t you have a vision
for tonight’s dinner?

Whatever I pick is going
to be hotly contested. Let’s skip it.

I’ll just buy a bunch of ground chuck,
and make my patented jumbo sliders then.

I guess I’ll make my famous rolls.

Since when are your rolls famous,
Carleen?

I’ve never even heard you say
the word roll until just now.

If you’re going to do that though,
could you also do other carbs, as well?

Like new potatoes,
sweet potatoes, potato chips.

What is wrong with me? Why do I have
to make it so easy for everyone?

I’ll get dessert I guess.

Does anyone have a slice of paper?

Yes, I have a moleskin
in the glove compartment.

I find it a great place
to jot down idle thoughts in traffic.

Nobody needs to hear your poetry, Walt.
Mother’s day is more than enough.

You know what, Carleen,
why don’t you do dessert?

- Carbs is kind of a big job.
- I thought you liked my poems.

Whoa, you’re really going
for blood today, Katty.

Wait, so was I demoted?

You weren’t promoted,
let’s put it that way.

Come on, guys, let’s get this moving.

You think that bar
is walking distance from here?

I have an idea.

Maybe we can all do
a quick visualization exercise

in which we successfully picture
retrieving our items.

'Sup?

Okay, thanks, man.

- Did they let you go poop?
- No.

They don’t consider a tank top a shirt.

But I swiped you something.

- Sweets for my sweet.
- What is this?

It’s a ring pop.
Now you have many rings from me.

- Did you steal it?
- Yes, I did.

Do you see that guy in there?

He probably makes like $2 an hour
and you just stole on his watch.

Well, you stole these tiny pants
for me.

I only steal from businesses
that overcharge.

I only steal from assholes.

Can you just unwrap it, okay?
It’s delicious. Lick it.

It’s just how do I really know
it’s for me?

I mean you got it for me,
you gave it to me,

but you could take it back
at any moment.

Why would I lick it
if it’s not really mine?

I mean I just can’t believe you would be
that emotionally irresponsible.

You want to talk responsibility?

This morning
when you were with Orvis,

you asked him if he was down
to fucking clown. He’s like six.

Six-year-old’s love curse words.
Curse words are crack for children.

Pussy, asshole, fuck, titties.
They love it.

Look, look, we can’t do this.
All right, we got to settle.

If we go back to the camp
and we’re fighting too,

it’s going to be pandemonium.

What do you say
we just smoke some weed?

- You have weed?
- Yeah, I brought my vape.

Okay, I feel safe now.

Could I get a sample
of that lean ground sirloin?

I’m going to need to do a taste test.

Raw is fine. You know what?
Just put it right in my mouth.

Orvis, you’re not allowed to drink...
Never mind.

Excuse me, sir.

- Can you direct me to the nonpareils?
- The what?

The nonpareils.

A decorative confectionary
made of tiny sugary balls?

- Did you try the beef jerky aisle?
- That’s the first place I looked.

I like pickles and pickles like me.

- Oh, thank God. Walter.
- Hey, Carleen, fancy meeting you here.

I can’t find any nonpareils.

And I worry that my dessert choices
won’t be up to snuff.

You know what?
This is my birthday.

So I will be the judge of whether
the desserts are up to snuff.

But, Walter, it’s not your opinion
that I worry about.

- I think we both know what I mean.
- I think we both do.

You know, I am not one to get angry.

No, of course not.
You’re so even tempered.

Mom said I was like a spaniel.

Always ready for a walk,
a nap or a snack.

- Steady.
- Steady.

Oh, but right now
I don’t feel so steady.

I feel really unsteady, actually.

I have this feeling in my throat
that scares me.

Is this what rage tastes like?

- Excuse me. This isn’t social hour.
- We’ll talk later.

Let’s move it along.

Oh, I was just here for cat food.

Walt, are those all pickles?

Yeah. I wanted to make sure that George,
Miguel and I had a jar each.

Are we going to have a meal
of pickles?

- I’m not done, Kathryn.
- Well, honestly, just look in your cart

and imagine how you’d react
if you were me.

- I can’t.
- What?

I can’t imagine how I’d react.

It is beyond my imagination
what you think.

I just want pickles,
I’ll pay for the pickles.

These are my fucking pickles.

Walt. Walter!

Oh, good, we can get a drink.

Well, they probably won’t open
for like maybe another five hours.

Let’s see about that.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- What’s up with this cute place?
- We’re open at two.

Wouldn’t it be so much more fun
if you were open like right now?

What do you think
Mojo’s doing right now?

- He’s a cat, he’s probably sleeping.
- But what if he’s not?

What if he’s started a revolution
in the neighborhood,

you never know,
you really don’t, you know.

He might have gathered all the cats
and they’re rising up

to take Silver Lake back
from the oppressive human regime.

Do you want a blowjob?

A blowjob from a pretty lady
in a barn. You’re on.

But this isn’t a peace offering beej,
right? I don’t want your pity suck.

So you’re turning down a blowjob?
Even if it’s for a little while?

I don’t know
if it’s going to be a little while.

It’s probably going to
just take a minute.

Even better.

I keep forgetting
that I’m mad at you.

But I am mad at you, all right?
Very mad.

I mean fuck Braylen, and fuck you.

- Joe.
- Jesus. Carleen, what?

You startle so easily lately.

It must be a post-acute
withdrawal symptom.

- You mind not nursing me to death?
- I’m trying to nurse you to life.

But if you would rather Jandice
do the job, she can.

What are you talking about?

I know you rubbed against her
in the night. I heard all about it.

From who? All right, Kathryn?

She’s on Adderall,
you can’t trust a thing she says.

I can tolerate a whole lot, Joe.
I can take whatever is thrown at me.

But don’t make a fool out of me, okay?
Don’t make me the fool.

Yeah, I’m not doing that, all right?
I would never do that to you.

Then what were you doing with her
in the night?

We were talking.

We were kicking around business ideas.
I’m not cheating on you.

Was it a business idea
for a kissing machine?

You know what, Carleen? Can you
just back the fuck off, all right?

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know
what was going on, all right?

- I was drunk, so...
- You're always drunk.

How come every time I see you, you’re
having like some insane puke-a-thon?

You okay?

Sophia, you have to try belly dancing.

It is literally the only palatable
form of exercise.

Hey, excuse me, Jandice. Seriously,
I think we need to talk about this more.

Are you serious?
You want to go home?

Okay, just let me finish
with Jeffrey’s Long Island iced tea.

- Thank you.
- Here you go, sir. Enjoy.

We will.

You guys just make me feel
so relaxed.

But I also want to drive
in a convertible.

And just let my hair down.

This guy.
What the fuck do you want?

I’m trying to serve people.

What the fuck?

Oh, I should probably tell you
I don’t really work here.

I’m not having a great time.

Okay, what do you want
to do baby, baby?

Oh, shit.

- Are you going off me?
- A little bit.

No, no, no. Just please.
Don’t, please.

Okay. I’m sorry.

How much are you going off me?

- Like 80 percent?
- Shit.

Shit, I wasn’t mentally prepared
for you to say anything above 75.

Shit, no, I don’t...

I cannot go through this again.
Please, Jandie, I cannot do this again.

Okay, I’m sorry
but I just wanted a fun little jaunt.

This is a lot, man.

First, we get engaged,
then we don’t get engaged.

And right before that
I knocked over the kid

- and everybody was a cunt to me.
- Yeah.

You should’ve told me everyone
was going to be cunts to me.

See, they don’t even get
that I’m a girl's girl.

I know, I know. I know,
I should’ve been more honest.

I should’ve... I should’ve told, I know.
I’m so sorry. Please.

I’m not having any fun.

I think, I should go back to L.A.

No, don’t.
Please don’t go back to L.A.

- L.A. sucks.
- This trip sucks.

Okay. Okay. Fuck, can we just...?

Can we just do a little bit
of something to chill the fuck out?

‘Cause I’m just going to fuck...

Oh, my God, I have coke. Yes.

Okay. I...

- Is that good?
- Super chill.

I really, really love drugs.
I mean not in a creepy way.

- I really love you, baby.
- Oh, yeah?

I want to snort this
off your cock, okay?

Oh, Jesus.

I’m going to tip this on your cock,

and then open up my compact,
my mirror.

And crush it, like a waffle iron.

- What? Are you?
- Yeah.

Yeah, okay. Yeah.
Just don’t lead me on, baby.

- Let’s get some coke on your cock.
- Okay.

Okay, why are we doing this again?

It absorbs better up
into the dick skin,

I’ve done it with a ton of guys.
It’s kosher.

- Just please don’t stop loving me, baby.
- Yeah, okay.

- Okay, you ready?
- Yeah.

Sol?

Hey, have you seen a pissed
off teenager? No. Okay.

Solomon! Solomon Jericha! Hey!

You left your cart
in the middle of the aisle.

Do you want all of this marshmallow
or are you just being a dick?

- Later.
- Later.

Can you put that back for me?
Thanks.

Sol? What the fuck, your attitude
is shitty-shitty, bang-bang right now?

- Fuck off.
- Don’t talk to me like that.

Why? You talk to your girlfriend
like that all the time.

You talk to her like she’s garbage,
just break up with her already.

That’s great advice. What are you
about to start menstruating?

- I’ve had my period for two years.
- Well, shit.

You know, they don’t make a manual
for this shit, Sol.

- But I’m doing my best, okay?
- You are such a joke.

You think you’re cool because you were
in a band for 11 seconds in 1942.

Yeah, we were almost signed
to Matador, so...

Nobody cares. I get that you met
the Goo Goo Dolls, but nobody cares.

The Goo Goo Dolls met me, huh?
They were excited to meet me.

You’re so full of shit anyways.
Carleen drives you crazy, too.

Now you’re acting
all women’s marchy about her.

Yeah, Dad, maybe I am.

It’s the fucking female future,
so fucking get fucking used to it.

Sorry that took me so long.

- I was emotionally conflicted.
- Did we fix it yet?

Well...

The blowjob certainly helped
but we ain’t all the way there.

What can I do, seriously?
What can I do?

I want to fuck somebody else
so that we can be even.

Even?

- Is that how you think this works?
- Yeah, kind of.

That’s the dumbest thing
I’ve ever heard.

Why? Are you jealous? You don’t want me
to fuck somebody else?

I don’t get jealous.
It’s not an evolved state.

So you won’t mind if I have sex
with somebody in our tent tonight?

You’re going to have sex
with someone here?

It’s vacation
and that thing is very spacious.

- Oh, good luck.
- Thanks. Don’t need it.

Dick made of gold.

All right. Well, that took longer than
I would’ve liked, but you all did okay.

Although, Carleen, I have zero idea

what you think we’re going to do
with this vat of rainbow sprinkles?

- I like rainbow sprinkles, Aunt Carleen.
- Thank you, Orvis.

Please excuse me.

- I need to brush my teeth badly.
- Well, you know where to go.

And maybe while I am gone
brushing these teeth,

you could take a moment to consider
speaking to Walt and myself

in a more respectful tone.

Jesus. What’s gotten into her?

First of all, you told her that I was
hanging out with Jandice last night,

which was totally innocent
by the way.

- I saw a nuzzle I did not care for.
- And I didn’t nuzzle shit.

If I hear the world nuzzle one more
time, I’m going to kill myself.

She was mad at you, Kathryn.

- All right? Not me.
- Mad at me?

You’re the one
who treats her like she’s your nanny.

- If she’s mad at anyone, it’s you.
- Oh, yeah.

And years of verbal and emotional abuse
from you doesn’t add up?

Huh? She’s mad about that.

Joe, you’re working nerves
I do not presently have.

She is mad at everybody.

She’s been waiting a long time
to feel this,

and to let this out and to finally
express the pain and the humiliation.

Now she’s just mad. You can’t fix it,
Kathryn, you can’t change it.

Sometimes someone is just
so fucking mad

and they’re saving it
and they’re saving it, saving it

and they just,
they can’t save it anymore.

Can we go back to camp and have lunch,
like civilized people?

Should we do that?
Because it is my birthday today

and that is one of my wishes.

Subtitles by explosiveskull