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You�were�having�a�dart�with your�pals�the�other�day...
DAN:�Tanis�is�off the�darts,�eh?
-�WAYNE:�Is�she�really? -�DARY:�How'd�she�manage�that?
Said�she�was�reading�an articles�in�Canadian�Livings,
or...�or�maybe�it�was Chatelaines.
Could�have�just�as easily�been�Chatelaine.
-�Or�Flare. -�Oh,�maybe�it�was�Flares.
Could�have�just�as easily�been.
Either�way,�she was�reads-ing�an�article
that�posed�the�questions, "Whens�was�the�last�times
youse�reallys enjoyeds�a�darts?"
Well,�I�gotta�say�that�I'm enjoying�this�dart�quite�a�bit
-�right�here. -�This�is�a�great�dart.
Yeah.�I�was�just�thinking�there ain't�nothing�wrong
with�the�darts I'm�havings�right�nows.
Like,�I�know�you're not�supposed�to�like�them.
-�Who's�"you"? -�And�they�tell�you
-�that�they're�bad�for�you. -�Who's�"they"?
But�it's�just�like...
quit�telling�me�what I�shouldn't�like.
I�think�youse�just became�theys.
So�don't�go�telling me�what�I�shouldn't�like.
Who�you�fucking�talking to,�bud?
I�was�just�thinkings, I�can'ts--
I�can'ts�remembers�a darts�I�didn'ts�enjoys.
Well,�it's�like,�if�you're not�going�to�enjoy�the�dart,
then�just�don't have�the�dart.
Well,�yeah.�That's�the�power that�you�have�over�the�darts.
They�try�to�tell�you�that�that's the�power
the�darts�have�over�you.
Fuck.�They's�got a�big�mouth.
They's�starting�to piss�me�off!
Well,�just�because I�think�that,�you�know,
it's�you�running�to the�store�all�the�time
and�spending�your�hard-earned money�on�the�darts,
rather�than the�other�way�around.
(Chuckling)�Kind�of funny,�though,
the�thought�of�darts�going to�the�store�for�you.
They�don't think�so,�eh?
DAN:�What�would�you�says�is the�darts�yous�most�enjoyeds?
Oh. (Chuckling)
We've�had�a�lot�of�great darts�over�the�years.
I've�always�enjoyed that�first�dart
-�when�you�step�off�an�airplane. -�That's�a�great�dart.
No�better�pair�than a�coffee�and�a�dart.
WAYNE:�Fucking�not�even a�piss�and�a�fart.
DARY:�But�if�I�have�to�say�the dart�that�I�enjoyed�the�most--
-�DAN:�Evers? -�Yeah.
If�I�have�to�say�the�dart that�I�enjoyed�the�most�ever,
it�would�be�the�first dart�I�ever�had.
Geez,�I�don't remember�that�dart
being�such�a�good darts�for�mes.
Oh,�I�coughed so�God�damn�bad.
Well,�it�was�the�first time�I'd�ever�had�sex.
DAN,�WAYNE: Oh.
-�If�you�lay�it�out�like�that. -�Changed�my�fucking�mind.
-�That'd�be�a�damned�good�dart. -�Context.�Yeah.
Wee�bit�cliché,�though,�lighting up�a�darts�after�sex,�though,
-�don't�you�thinks? -�Well,�I�had�heard
that�you're�supposed�to lay�with�them�for�a�little�while
before�you�go�get�cleaned�up, so�I�figured�I'd�have�a�dart.
Better�not�be�darting�in�bed�if I'm�doing�up�the�linens.
It's�just�that�I'd seen�people�in�movies�smoke
so�many�times�after�sex that�I�thought
that's�what�you were�'exposed'�to�do.
DAN:�Oh,�no.
Same�thing�goes�with�the�sex beforehand.
I�just�did�what�I'd�seen�so�many times�in�porno�movies,
and�it�turns�out�that�is�not what�you're�exposed�to�do.
-�WAYNE:�No. -�I�thinks�the�best�darts
I�ever�had�was�the�series�of darts�I'd�smokes�after�school,
playing�cards�with my�Aunt�Ethels.
But�mind�you,�Ethels would�call�darts�fags,
and�I�expose�there's a�certain�amount�of�charm
to�that�language�coming outs�of�the�right�mouths.
Oh,�context.�Yeah.
What�about�you,�Wayne?
(Wayne�grunting)
You�okays, good�buddies?
(Grunting) Just�like...
getting�a�wee�bit emotional�here
with�all�this�talk of�great�darts.
DAN: Mm-hmm.�Yeah.
Been�a�lot�of�great�fucking darts�over�the�years.
WAYNE:�...think�about them�a�lot,�so...
Only�can�really�think about�them�so�much,�though.
You�think�about�who's been�there�for�you.
Yeah.�Right�there�in the�breast�pocket�there.
Fucking�great�darts.
Do�you�want�to�know�what?�You kinda�enjoy�them�all�equally,
and�if�you�didn't, you�wouldn't�smoke�them.
So�hold�your�judgement, because�at�the�end�of�the�day,
I�could�put�down darts�a�lot�faster
than�you�could�put�down the�fucking�internet.
��
How's�Jivin'�doing?
WAYNE: You're�late,�bud!
You're�late,�bud.
You're�late,�bud!
You're�late,�bud.
Bale�of�hay could�kill�a�man!
WAYNE: It's�fucking�barley!
He'll�figure�it�out.
Don't�cuts�him�too�much�slacks, good�buddies.
Bend�enough�and you'll�break.
I'd�have�never�hired him�in�the�first�place.
When�a�friend�asks�for help,�you�help�him.
-�No�friend�of�mine. -�Oh,�look�at�that.
Guy�who�got�exiled for�two�years
after�getting�written�up�in the�paper�for�mailbox�stealing
doesn't�believe in�second�chances.
Hey,�Katy?�Katy?
What�are�those?
What,�these?
See�you�got�some�new high-tops�there.
These�don't�need�an introduction.
What�are�you�trying to�fucking...
you�trying�to�fucking start�a�punk�band�or--
-�Skas�band? -�Skinhead?
Sticks�and�stones,�boys. Docs�are�timeless�fashion,
and�timeless�fashion never�goes�out�of�style.
Okay.�So,�what are�you,�a�fucking...
fucking�dairy-free ice�cream�eater�or--
-�Going�to�smoke�a�pipe�next? -�Oi!�Oi!�Oi!
Style�tips�from�Mark's�Work fucking�Warehouse.�I�love�it.
DAN:�Alright,�but�does�you really�wants�to�be...�that�guy?
Youse�guys�don't�know�what the�fuck�you're�talking�about.
What's�wrong�with�being known�for�something?
Oh,�nothings, nothings...
if'n�it's�a�good�thing.
Yeah,�there�was�a�while�there that�I�was�thinking
about�rocking�a�chain�wallet, but�didn't�want�to�be�that�guy.
Same�with�me�when I�had�my�nipples�ring.
-�I�was�that�guy. -�How'd�you�get�that�out?
-�You�was�there. -�Was�I�really?
I�mean,�it's�like�the�time�I wanted�to�get�cat-eye�glasses,
but�I�didn't�want to�be�that�guy.
Same�with�bangs.
Oh,�my�God.
Should�I�get�bangs?
GUYS:�(In�monotone) Yes.�You�should�get�bangs.
It's�not the�right�time.
-�Should�I�get�bangs? -�Dudes�don't�get�bangs.
-�Wayne�has�bangs. -�Docs�are�different,�though.
Docs�are�iconic.
-�You�doing�Kegels�over�there? -�What's�that?
Why�are�you squinting�so�much?
Future's�bright.
I've�been�noticing�you�doing that�a�lot�more�recently.
I've�noticed�you�doing�it�a�wee bits�more�than�usuals,�toos,
-�good�buddies. -�No.�I�think�you're�squinting
just�the�perfect amount�there,�good�buddy.
You're�having�trouble seeing,�aren't�you?
Got�a�bright�future.
When�was�the�last�time�you�went to�the�optom-al-myth?
Oh,�that'd�be�our�class�trip to�Dr.�McDavid's.
-�As�in�Grade�2? -�Grade�1.
-�Grade�1! -�What's�the�problem,�Katy?
-�I'm�making�you�an�appointment. -�Don't�you�got
a�fucking�Warped�Tour to�get�to�or�something?
Why�don't�you�go�play�fucking rockabilly,�fucking�steampunk?
-�Fucking�dance�of�the�skanks. -�Fucking�going�straight�edge.
WAYNE:�Get�outta�here, you�fucking�stage�diver!
Say,�where's Dr.�McDavid?
Dr.�McDavid�my�grandpa, or�Dr.�McDavid�my�dad?
-�The�doctors�McDavid. -�Golf�course.�Or�Legion.
Yeah,�'cause�I�was�just�thinking you're�kind�of�young
-�to�be�a�doctor,�eh? -�I�think�when�you�get
to�a�certain�age, everyone�seems�young.
Good�enough.
So,�do�you�want�the�good�news first�or�the�bad�news?
-�Bad. -�You're�dying.
-�I'll�get�my�affairs�in�order. -�There's�no�bad�news.
Some�people�with�your vision�get�glasses,
and�some�people�don't.
Well,�then�I'll�save�a�buck.
What�prompted�you�to get�your�eyes�checked?
I'm�told�I squint�too�much.
-�You�got�a�bright�future. -�Thank�you�for�your�help.
But�if the�sun's�bothering�you--
Well,�the�sun doesn't�bother�me.
--I�could�apply your�prescription
to�a�very�stylish pair�of�sunglasses.
Hmm...
You�playing shortstop�or�second?
-�Eh? -�Left�field?
-�Mind�your�beeswax. -�A�little�brisk�out
for�beach�volleyballs�theres, good�buddies.
Little�warm�for '80s�night�on�the�slopes.
I�could�shake�my�head in�these�all�day.
-�They�won't�come�off. -�Prove�it.
You�look�like�you're�about to�rip�a�Tour�De�France.
Look�like�Lance�Armstrong�if he�did�even�more�steroids.
You�look�like�the�guy�who's gonna�say�something�racist
into�camera�at�a live-on-location�news�broadcast.
I�thought�Jivin'�Pete�was exposed�to�bes�heres.
(Groaning)
-�What? -�Now,�I'll�shake�my�head.
-�He's�fucking�up. -�How�late�is�he�this�times?
-�Doesn't�matter. -�Late�is�late.
Yeah.�If�you're�not�10�minutes early,�you're�late.
He�smells�like�a�brewery all�morning
and�a�dispensary all�afternoon.
Smells�like�he�pissed�on�a campfire�and�stood�in�the�smoke.
Look�who's�talking.
Tried�to�show�me�a�nude�of a�gal�he�had�on�his�phone,
and�I�said,�"I,�sirs, ams�a�feminist."
-�Don't�be�that�guy. -�Yeah.
Definitely�don't be�that�guy.
Oh...�Do�you�want to�know�what?
-�I�feel�bad�for�him. -�Who�the�fuck�are�you?
Like,�I'm�not�getting�soft�or anything.�Just,�like--
You're�a�fanny�pack full�of�cotton�balls.
It's�like,�it's�likely�not easy�getting�yourself�sorted
after�you�been�off�smoking�meth for�half�a�fucking�decade.
You're�a chocolate�marshmallow�Santa.
-�Here�he�is,�doing�it. -�You're�baby�hair,�bud.
Just�can't�get�out of�his�own�way.
You�know�what? I�think�those�sunglasses
are�a�wee�bit�tight�on�your brain,�big�brother.
But�I�ams a�feminists.
Good,�Dan. Girls�love�that.
Well,�I�was�told they�don't.
WAYNE: Want�to�know�what?�Fuck�it.
I�got�to�do�something,�because he's�fucking�useless.
-�He�is�risen. -�Yeah.
He's�fucking up�lots,�good�buddy.
Yeah.�Shared�those nude�pictures�of�Gails.
-�Abandoned�his�dog. -�Now,�he's�late
every�fucking�day,�and�then you�give�him�a�second�chance.
-�And�what�does�he�do? -�Smells�like�a�brewery
all�morning�and�a dispensary�all�afternoon.
-�Time�to�cut�him�loose. -�I'll�do�something�like�that.
-�There�he�is. -�Just,�uh...
don't�like�to�kick�people when�they're�down.
But...�I�ams�a�feminists.
Never�want�to�get�your�dick sucked�again,�then,�eh,�bud?
"I�Speak�Feminist."
Yo.�This�guy likes�to�party.
You're�not�that guy,�are�you?
I�will�no�longers�bes�brow- beatens�because�of�my�beliefs.
I'm�a�feminist,�sirs, and�prouds�ofs�it.
You�know�you�can�be�one�without screaming�it
in�everybody's�face, though,�right?
Those�who�shout�the�loudest have�the�most�to�hide.
-�Same�thing�goes�for�gals,�too. -�(Yelling)�Huh?
There's�no�rights�or�wrongs ways�to�bes�a�feminists.
You�mansplaining,�bud?
Never.
Hey,�boys.
-�There's�womens�presents. -�Okay,�fine.�Hey,�guys.
-�That's�not�better. -�Fuck�off.
-�So,�it's�my�birthday�week-- -�Sorry.�What?
It's�my birthday�week,
and�I�want�to�celebrate it�with�everyone�I�care�about.
So,�I�was�wondering�if�you�all would�meet�me�here�tonight
to�celebrate�the�best birthday�week�ever.
-�You're�that�guy? -�What�guy?
The�guy�who�makes�way�too�big a�deal�out�of�his�own�birthday.
Only�13-year-old girls�can�use
the�expression�"birthday week,"�you�Sally.
-�I�got�this,�buddy. -�Thanks,�bud.
Look.�It's�just�been a�really--
It's�just�been�a�really�tough week�for�everyone,
with�the�degens fucking�with�us�again--
Degens�are�fucking with�youse,�too?
Tibadoo�got�a�job driving�the�Zamboni,
but�he�didn't show�up�for�work,
and�we�had�to�play�our�beer league�game�in�an�inch�of�snow.
-�Fuck�youse,�Tibadoos. -�And�I�just--
I�just�think�a birthday�week�party
is�what�we�all�need right�now.
-�Huh? -�And�you're�that�guy?
(Hesitantly) Yes?
The�guy�who�knows�what�we all�need�right�now?
What�next?�Anything�that that�brings�you
mild�satisfaction is�everything?
And�anyone�doing�anything remotely�relatable
is�"all�of�us"?
Gail,�the�new�hand�soap�you�got in�the�bathroom
gives�me�life.
Oh,�my�God,�Katy. That�video�you�posted
of�Gus�sleeping�beside his�bowl�is�such�a�mood.
You're�not�a�tabloid magazine's�Twitter�account.
Stop�talking like�that.
Well,�none�of�this changes�the�fact
that�I�still�want�to�make, uh,�my�birthday�week--
ALL: Don't�say�"birthday�week"!
I�wasn't�going�to!
Birthday.
But�I�do�really�want�to make�a�week�out�of�it,�so...
We'll�come�to�your birthday�party.
-�Thank�you. -�You're�early.
If�you're�not�10�minutes early,�you're�late.
Fucking�A,�ma�fille.
Anik,�it's�my�birthday week,�so�I�was--
-�Don't�be�that�guy. -�Okay.
-�Hi,�Anik. -�Bonjour,�Daryl.
(Snapping)
Did�youse�know�that�those�little top�ponies
are�still�a�thing with�dudes�in�Quebec?
REILLY: Like�a--�like�a�top�knot?
GAIL:�Kind�of, but�gnarlier.
Like�a�little nubbin�up�there.
Hmm.�You�don't�say.
DAN:�Nothing�wrong�with�a guy�shows-ing�his�feminine�side,
-�sirs,�especially-- -�No.
-�No.�Okay. -�I�was�watching
some�hockey�fights�from the�Quebec�senior�league,
and�I�picked�out�two�dozen of�those�little�nubbins
in�the�crowd.
REILLY: Nubbin.
Oh.
Now,�there's�a�way things�run�around�here,
and�your�work�ethic is�slowing�up�production.
Okay.
I�can�see�you're�trying�to�turn over�a�new�leaf�and�all�that,
and�I'm�trying to�help�you,
but�you're�not�reliable.
Okay.
Feels�to�me�like�there might�be�a�problem.
I�wonder�if�it mightn't�be�a�bad�idea
for�you�to�take�some�time and�get�that�sorted.
You�firing�me?
Did�I�say�I�was firing�you?
Okay.
Jivin's�saying�some shit�about�you.
And�we�know�it's�not�true,
but�we�want�you�to�know it's�being�said.
He�came�to us�for�some�contraband
an�hour�or�so�ago, and�he�was�indignant,
irked,�ireful, ill-tempered!
He�said�you called�us�fags.
We�know�you�wouldn't say�that,�so...
We�just�wanted�you�to know�it�was�being�said.
(Vehicle�approaching)
MCMURRAY: Wayne.
How�are�you,�now?
-�Good,�and�you? -�Not�so�bad.
Wayne,�Jivin'�come�to�the�house looking�for�a�hot�tub.
Now,�he's an�old�pal,�so,
you�know,�I�entertained the�idea,
but�then�he�had�the�audacity, the�little�rat�bastard,
to�say�that�when�he was�here�working�with�youse,
that�youse�guys�were�saying you'd�like�to�fuck�my�old�lady,
Mrs.�McMurray!
Now,�I�know you�wouldn't�say�it.
I'm�just�letting�you�know, it's�being�said.
We�know�you wouldn't�say�it.
But,�like...�if�you�did...
(Vehicle�approaching)
(Truck�doors�closing)
Jivin'�was�talking�shit�about you�in�the�MoDean's�parking�lot.
Dan�went�to�punched�him. He�ducked�out.
Dary�went�to�chase�him, but�he�couldn't�catch�him.
Well,�that's the�difference
between�a�friend and�a�pal.
A�pal�will�listen�to�someone talk�shit�about�you.
A�friend�won't�hear a�second�of�it.
Degens�are�back.
Degens�ain't welcomes.
How�we�going to�fuck�this�pig?
Hi.
Daryl!
What?
You're�that�guy?
(Both�laughing)
BOTH: Oh,�my�God!
Oh,�my�God!�Oh,�my�God!
-�I�tried�to�tell�him. -�Nothing�wrongs
with�showings�your feminine�sides,�Darys.
Take�your�hair�down, you�fucking�woman.
You�going�to�rip some�Ultimate�later?
-�You�mean�Ultimate�Frisbee? -�Guess�not.
If�you�were,�you�would�know�they just�call�it�Ultimate.
You�going�for�glamour shots�later�or�something?
Well,�okay.�You�said dudes�from�Quebec
have�tiny�little�top�knots�up there,�so�I�thought�maybe--
Daryl.
Mm.�Hello,�Anik.
Trying�something�new?
This?�Oh.�(Chuckling) You�noticed.
You�look�like all�my�cousints.
(Skids�laughing)
-�That�was�hot. -�That�was...
It's�good�to�be�known�for something,�Daryl.
And�there�is�nothing�wrong with�being...�that�guy.
For�instance, I�wear�a�bowler�hat.
(Snapping) I'm�that�guy.
Yeah,�and�I�wear�a�bandana. I'm�that�guy.
Thank�you,�skids.
Just�don't�be...
BOTH: That�guy!
(Both�laughing)
Oh,�my�God!�Oh,�my�God!
Hey,�Gails,�what guys�are�youse?
-�In�a�town�this�size? -�Yeah.
-�The�black�guy. -�The�great�David�Beckham
could�barely�pull that�off,�you�fool.
Bender�like Beckham.�(Laughing)
Hilarious�coming�from A�Clockwork�Orange.
-�What? -�KATY:�They're�right.
You're�no Jon�Snow,�bud.
Don't�you�have�a�Mighty�Mighty Bosstones�show�to�get�to?
I'm�more�of a�Rancid�gal.
What's�with the�hat,�Dan?
-�I,�sirs,�am-- -�Just�kidding.
-�I�don't�give�a�fuck. -�Why�would�you�ask�him,�then?
That�was�so�rude!
(All�talking at�once)
(Angrily�talking�over each�other)
(Spitting)
What�happens now,�Wayne?
You�start�walking�in this�direction,
or�you�start�running in�the�other�one.
Yeah?�You�going to�chase�me?
No.�You've�done what�you've�done.
And�if�you�want to�humiliate�yourself
right�here�in�front of�all�your�pals
by�not�taking�responsibility for�it�when�the�time's�come...
well,�that's enough�for�me.
And�what�if�we�just beat�the�shit�out�of�you
right�here and�right�now?
I'm�not�leaving�here�without some�sort�of�resolution.
I�came�to�work every�single�day,
and�I�poured�my�heart and�soul�into�that�job.
And�you�tell�me�I'm slowing�up�production
to�try�to�fire�me?
I�never�said I�was�firing�you.
I've�been�chore-ing 20�years!
Twenty�years,�and�no one's�ever�told�me
I�was�slowing up�production�in�my�life!
So�maybe�you�ought�to�take�a good,�hard�look�in�the�mirror,
do�some�thinking�about�which one�of�us�is�the�real�problem,
because�the�only�person�with an�issue�here...�is�you.
Youse�have�upset�a�lot of�people�in�town.
Yeah?�Well,�it's�a�good thing�I'm�from�upcountry.
But�in�spite�of all�that--
Despite.
-�Despite�what? -�Never�mind.
In�spite�of all�that,
I'm�going�to�give�you a�little�pass,
prove�to�you�I'm�not the�man�you�think�I�am!
So,�go. Go,�go,�go.
Gather�up�some�of your�pals,
and�when�youse�are�ready to�sort�this�out...
we'll�be right�here�waiting.
(Brendan�Canning�"Plugged�In")
��
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���Too�much�waiting...���
(Singing�indistinctly)
���...not�working���
���Your�way�is�to...���
���A�holiday���
���The�holidays���
���I�can�take���
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���Please�come�here���
(Singing�indistinctly)
���Words�keep�on�wanting���
���The�points�to���
���The�message���
���No�more�messages���
���I�can�take���
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���Today�is�what...���
���Is�done���
���I�love�you���
���Your�holiday���
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���I�can�take���
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