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♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians
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♪ Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians,
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♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights
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♪ Horrors that defy description
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♪ Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
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♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
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♪ Punishments from ancient times
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♪ Romans
Rotten, rank and ruthless
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♪ Cavemen
Savage, fierce and toothless
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♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
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♪ Mean and measly Middle Ages
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♪ Gory stories, we do that
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♪ And your host, a talking rat
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♪ The past is no longer a mystery
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♪ Welcome to...
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♪ ..Horrible Histories. ♪
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TRUMPET FANFARE
Horrible Histories presents...
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Henry VIII ruled for 38 years,
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had six wives, and three children.
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And after Edward and Mary's turn,
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Elizabeth rules for 45 years.
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But who ruled better?
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Maybe they can tell you.
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Hello, loyal subjects.
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I'm Henry VIII -
King, father and total legend.
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And I'm Queen Elizabeth I -
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beloved monarch,
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iconic beauty and, unfortunately,
his daughter.
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Oh-ho! Cheeky, right out the gate.
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00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:17,960
And we both ruled England during the
Tudor period.
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And we were both extremely good at it.
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One of us more than the other.
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So, here's our guide to ruling
a nation.
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What do you mean, "One of
us more than the other"?
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Well, if the crown fits.
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Fine. Well, why don't we let you
decide who did it best?
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00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:32,000
Massive spoiler alert - it was me!
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Remind me, who was it who defeated
the Spanish Armada?
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00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:39,120
Remind me, who was it that had
a mechanical dragon?
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A mechanical what, now?
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00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:42,320
A mechanical dragon.
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00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:46,920
Four of the last five Kings of
England have died
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in mysterious or violent circumstances.
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That trend ends with me.
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I'm Henry VIII
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and this is X-treme Survival.
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Tip One - self defence.
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00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:01,960
Britain's been at war with France
on-and-off forever.
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00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:05,200
Going to the border between English
and French controlled France
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00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,360
may not have been the smartest idea.
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00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:09,680
I may need to defend myself in
a hurry!
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00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:12,000
Look around you. What do you see?
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00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:13,240
A stout branch,
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00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:16,600
sharpened, would make an excellent spear.
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00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:20,160
Well positioned leaves can make
excellent camouflage.
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00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:22,920
But what I like to do is
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00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:25,800
contact my enemy, King Francis,
in advance,
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sign a peace treaty,
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00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:29,280
and throw a big festival to celebrate,
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00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:32,960
with tournaments, singing, dancing,
wrestling and archery.
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Le good times!
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FRENCH ACCENT:
Survival extreme!
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00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:39,760
Although technically speaking, zis
whole area should be part of France
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and I may have to attack next year.
Good luck with that.
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Tip Two - Shelter.
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You make peace, but it's not
just people that can be hostile.
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You may find yourself battling the
elements, too.
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00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:52,680
You need shelter.
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00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:55,280
Look around you - what do you see?
Trees, bushes.
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00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:57,640
A simple shelter made from branches
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00:02:57,640 --> 00:03:00,200
could keep you
alive on a cold night.
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00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:02,000
But what I like to do is,
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have my men build a field full of
massive tents
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with actual windows
and our own chapel.
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10,000 metres of
tent city, baby!
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It's so big, they call it The Field
Of Cloth Of Gold.
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Lush. But you're going to need
some food in there.
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So, what I like to do is
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00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:20,640
bring 3,500 sheep,
BAAING
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850 veal calves,
MOOING
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a bunch of pigs
SQUEALING
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and there's a fountain that squirts
actual wine.
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Obviously.
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You all right, mate?
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Bit quiet.
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Tip Three - Companionship.
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00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:39,800
Many a man has gone mad
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in the wilderness with no-one to
talk to
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but a few rocks with faces drawn
on them.
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This is Edward
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and this...
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...is Edward, too.
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00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:49,680
I've never been good with names.
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Isolation can be a deadly enemy.
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Look around you, what do you see?
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00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:57,240
Well, the countryside might provide
a solution -
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walking, hunting, fishing.
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But what like to do is travel with
over 6,000 people with me,
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00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:04,160
including my wife and
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00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:07,000
a toy, mechanical, dragon kite.
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00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:08,240
I take over 1,000
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00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:10,080
extra people
with me too.
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A duchess, 10 countesses,
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00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:15,280
12 baronesses, 20 knight's ladies,
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00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:17,680
14, you know, regular ladies,
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00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:19,280
a chaplain and some bishops.
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That's X-treme Survival.
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00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:24,320
Hardcore.
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00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:26,800
I'm Henry VIII.
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It's 1520, I'm in the Field Of Cloth
Of Gold
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and I've got a mechanical dragon.
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00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:35,600
This is X-treme Survival.
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00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:40,440
Just me, for the end one, I think.
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Doing the X. Yeah, thanks.
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As you could see from Daddy's rather
extravagant trip to France...
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Extravagant? It was just a bit
of light camping,
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00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:56,480
with wine fountains and a flat-pack
church.
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00:04:56,480 --> 00:05:00,560
Mm, being a monarch can, obviously,
bring you untold riches.
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00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:02,400
CASH REGISTER RINGS
It also give you access
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00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,280
to all the latest gadgets and inventions,
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00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:05,440
and believe me,
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that can come as quite a relief.
FARTING
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This way, Your Majesty.
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00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:15,600
Oh, Harington, I love surprise
gifts!
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Is it diamonds?
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00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:18,960
Ta-dah!
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00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,720
Have we been robbed?
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00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:22,480
No, this is it.
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00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:25,440
I designed and built you a flushing toilet.
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00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:28,360
Look, cistern here -
full of water.
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00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:30,800
And, once you've done your royal business,
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you have a lever to pull to flush
away all of the, erm...
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00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:37,160
You built me a loo?
Why don't you give it a go?
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00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:39,320
Harington! Please, Your Majesty.
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00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:41,320
It's completely odourless.
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00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:43,880
Think how sweet all of your palaces
will smell,
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00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:45,320
if they all had one.
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00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:47,000
Oh, so you're saying
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00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,320
that my crib stinks, are you?
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Er, no.
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00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:53,200
No? No. No? No!
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00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:54,840
I'm not going to the toilet.
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00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:56,720
Well, it's not good to hold it in.
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00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:58,240
I do not need a poo!
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00:05:58,240 --> 00:05:59,440
And if I did,
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00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:02,000
I would do it in a pot,
like anyone else.
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00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:03,640
Good day to you!
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00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:05,640
Cheek of the man!
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00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:08,840
Banging on about my bowels, saying
my house stinks! It's an outrage.
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00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:11,160
TUMMY RUMBLES
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00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:14,640
Ooh, that shouting's made me...
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00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:16,920
Maybe I'd better... ooh...
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00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:20,000
SQUELCHING
Harington!
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00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:23,320
I am so sorry, Your Majesty.
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00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:25,320
I know I said it was odourless,
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00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:27,440
but you might want to open a window.
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00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:31,160
POOHING AND WEEING
Yep.
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00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:34,160
Ah, a flushing toilet -
what an invention!
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00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,400
Not bad, but I've got my own way
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00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:39,480
of making my royal business
disappear, too.
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00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:41,360
He's called Tom.
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00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:43,680
Or Tony.
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00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:45,040
Or Will.
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00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:48,080
I had a lot of Grooms
Of The Stool,
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00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:49,240
unsurprising
really.
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00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:51,080
I was King
for 38 years.
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00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:53,680
Queen for 45 years, but who's
counting?
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00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:54,920
Well, you, obviously.
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00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:57,080
Of course, when you're a ruler,
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you have to make some rules.
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00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:00,240
Clue's in the name, mate!
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00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:04,000
And I was pretty good at making up rules.
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00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,280
And changing them WHENEVER he felt
like it.
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00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:15,520
Your Majesty, you are aware of
customs relating to feasting
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00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:17,320
on a Friday, are you not?
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00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:21,520
Oh, yes. Absolutely no meat on
a Friday.
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00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:22,920
Just fish.
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00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:24,480
Rules are rules.
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00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:29,160
Your Majesty!
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00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:30,400
You're eating a bird.
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00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:34,800
No, no, no, no, no, no! Um, this is
a barnacle goose.
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00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:36,360
Yes, a goose.
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00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:39,320
Yeah, but it's got the word
barnacle in the name.
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00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:42,160
And barnacles are those little
volcano things
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00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:43,440
that live in the sea,
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00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:46,000
along with - you guessed it - fish.
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00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,680
Well, you can't just eat it
188
00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:50,120
because it's got barnacle in the
name, Your Majesty.
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00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:52,320
It's clearly meat.
SHE SCOFFS
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00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:53,800
Please, back me up, Bishop.
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00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:56,320
The eating of meat on Friday
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00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:58,040
is against God's law.
193
00:07:58,040 --> 00:07:59,920
But...
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00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:03,840
...the barnacle goose has the word
"barnacle" in it. Thank you.
195
00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:06,000
So, it's clearly a fish.
196
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:07,240
Fish knows fish.
197
00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:09,320
Mm, lovely meal, Your Majesty.
198
00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:11,480
Wait, no, er,
199
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:13,920
you can't eat that, either.
200
00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:15,640
That's beaver tail.
201
00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:17,360
Well, where do
beavers live?
202
00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:19,640
Not in the sea, for a start.
203
00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:22,240
No, but they live by the water.
204
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:27,680
Sometimes their delicious little
tails... Hang down into the water.
205
00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:29,920
Therefore... BOTH: ..fish!
206
00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:32,720
Fish dish, Bish? Don't mind if I do.
207
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:35,240
That's swan! Fish. Fish.
208
00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:38,680
Your Majesty, nothing on this table
is fish.
209
00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:40,920
Seal, porpoise,
210
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:42,800
whale, puffin!
211
00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:45,080
Fishy... fish... fish... fish.
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00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:47,280
Swim, swim,
swim, swim.
213
00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:50,080
Fish!
214
00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:52,800
Meat can not be cooked and served
on a Friday.
215
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:57,080
Tell me, milady, is there a custom
against noblewomen
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00:08:57,080 --> 00:09:00,000
being cooked and served on a Friday?
217
00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:05,120
Delish... fish-fish.
218
00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:10,640
BURPING
219
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:15,040
Hello. I loved sweets and sugar
so much
220
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:18,880
that I had all sorts of things made
out of it, even the plates.
221
00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:20,760
Ow! Ow!
222
00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:22,480
Ah, normal plate.
223
00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:24,640
There's a couple of teeth I'm not
getting back.
224
00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:25,800
My question for you,
225
00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:28,840
is which of these did I also have
the cooks make for me
226
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:31,800
in order to satisfy my sugary
cravings?
227
00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:33,640
Was it...
228
00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:43,040
GROWLING
229
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:44,160
The answer was A
230
00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:45,200
and B
231
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:46,840
and C! What can I say?
232
00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:48,640
I've a very sweet tooth!
233
00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:49,880
Mm, mm.
234
00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:52,600
Still a real plate.
235
00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:57,440
Being a ruler is hard work and
you've got to stay in shape.
236
00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:59,800
Testify!
HE BURPS
237
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,560
But looking as good as me doesn't
just happen naturally, you know.
238
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,040
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
239
00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:06,800
I used to exercise in my own
very special way.
240
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:09,400
ELIZABETHAN RECORDER MUSIC
241
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:15,280
Your Majesty, the ambassador of
France is here to see you.
242
00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:19,320
Your Majesty, it is wonderful to see
you in such good health.
243
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:21,880
Why wouldn't I be in good health?
What have you heard?
244
00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:24,160
Nothing, Your Majesty. Er...
Oh, because I'm 50 now,
245
00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:27,480
you all think I'm past it. Is that
it? Well, er, no, Your Majesty,
246
00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,480
but... No? ..the thing is, none of
us are getting any younger.
247
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:32,840
Right, that's it! Music!
LUTE PLAYS
248
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:35,200
Everyone is saying our Queen has
lost it, are they? Hm?
249
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:37,560
Well, if I was past it, could I do
this?
250
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:42,280
Er... mais oui.
251
00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:44,600
Tres impressive,
Your Majesty.
252
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,320
Your turn.
253
00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:48,920
Ah, no...I...
Come on, your turn.
254
00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:51,840
OK. Ready? A-five, six, seven,
eight!
255
00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:55,080
ELIZABETHAN DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
256
00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:56,920
Heh-heh-heh-heh!
We really must discuss...
257
00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:59,600
I sometimes do six or seven
galliards in my chamber
258
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:01,800
before anything else
in the morning. Ah!
259
00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:02,960
Still got it,
haven't I?
260
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:04,040
LAUGHING: Of course.
261
00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:06,920
But we still have business to
attend to.
262
00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:09,160
I'm as fit as I was 30 years ago.
263
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:11,960
In complete control of my own
body. Of course, Your Majesty.
264
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:15,200
But, er, please, could we take
a little break?
265
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:16,800
Very well.
266
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:19,840
HE PANTS
Oh, thank you, Your Majesty.
267
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:22,800
Ooh! Be sure to tell your King
268
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:24,160
that I'm in perfect health.
269
00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:26,600
PANTING: I will, Your Majesty.
270
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:30,120
Oh! I need water.
271
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,120
Well, that showed him.
272
00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:35,040
Will someone call a doctor? I
pulled something four leaps ago.
273
00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:36,360
Ahhhh.
274
00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:40,120
Being a ruler means having to make decisions.
275
00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:42,760
It can be tough,
and I think it's fair to say,
276
00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:44,520
we both got some things wrong.
277
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:45,920
Well, I don't know about that.
278
00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:47,360
John Hawkins.
279
00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:48,640
Oh, fair enough.
280
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:52,720
Will you be pitching a new venture
to The Queen today, Captain John?
281
00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:55,480
Why, yes, Tudor servant-person.
282
00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:58,760
I've a most wonderful business
opportunity that Her Maj
283
00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:00,360
would be CRAZY to pass up on.
284
00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:03,480
D'you want to do a quick run-through
with me, before you go in?
285
00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:05,400
Um... sure!
286
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:07,720
A little practice can't hurt,
can it?
287
00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:09,440
Hup.
288
00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:13,200
So, my merchant ships will travel
between these three points
289
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,360
in a sort of triangle formation,
290
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,120
making a profit at each stop.
291
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:19,440
It a win, win, win... lose.
292
00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:21,400
Um, sorry, did you just say, "lose"?
293
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:23,800
Yes. Anyway, we'll start off taking
fun stuff,
294
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,680
like pearls, ginger and sugar from
the New World here.
295
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:30,600
Oh, that's wonderful. Her Majesty
just loves sugar. I know!
296
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:33,160
And then we'll bring them here, to Britain.
297
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:36,680
And then we take metal, gunpowder
and guns from here in Britain,
298
00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:39,000
and sell them in Africa here.
299
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,200
And on the final leg,
300
00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:41,600
from Africa to the New World,
301
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:44,160
we make a huge profit selling...
CLEARS THROAT
302
00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:46,800
Er, I was with you, but I'm a bit
lost now.
303
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,720
What exactly are you picking up in
Africa?
304
00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:50,720
Oh, wasn't I clear? Oh, I'm sorry!
305
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,160
In Africa we will be collecting...
CLEARS THROAT
306
00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:55,920
...and selling them in the New
World. You just did it again.
307
00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:57,480
What are you getting in Africa?
308
00:12:57,480 --> 00:12:59,840
Um... people.
309
00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:01,040
What?!
310
00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:02,560
So, you want to capture people,
311
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:05,840
pack them in ships, take them across
the Atlantic in horrible conditions,
312
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:07,600
then sell the ones that survive?
313
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,320
And their children. And their
children?!
314
00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:12,640
To work without pay in the New World
for the rest of their lives?!
315
00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:14,160
Um... yeah.
316
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,320
I mean, when you put it like that,
317
00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:17,600
it sounds quite horrible.
318
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:21,200
Well, you're a tankard half-full
kind of guy, aren't you?
319
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:22,880
Her Majesty will not go for this.
320
00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:26,040
She's well known for being against
the idea of forced enslavement.
321
00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:28,760
What you are suggesting is both
evil and reprehensible.
322
00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:32,040
Thank heavens our ruler is one of
sound moral compass.
323
00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:35,000
She stands to make £10,000
from each trip we make.
324
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,920
She's going to go
for it, isn't she?
325
00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:38,840
Mm, methinks yes.
326
00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:42,680
DOOR OPENS
QUEEN: Oh, John, nice to see you.
327
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:44,040
Your Majesty!
328
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:46,600
The misery people will
inflict for money.
329
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,520
Ah, the forests of England -
330
00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:53,640
one of my greatest resources.
331
00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:57,720
Vast swathes of woody wild land
teeming with animal life.
332
00:13:57,720 --> 00:13:59,480
Oh, beautiful birds.
333
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:01,240
Nice tune, dude.
334
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:04,080
Hello there, little fellow.
SQUIRREL CHATTERS
335
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:06,680
You know, it's these vast forests
and woodlands
336
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:09,200
that make England what it is today.
337
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:12,760
Because we can chop them all down
and make warships.
338
00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:14,440
2,000 oak trees per boat.
339
00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:15,800
And we can
use the rest
340
00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:17,840
for charcoal
for the ironworks.
341
00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:21,280
This is such a nice one.
Um, Your Majesty,
342
00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:24,160
there may be consequences to
stripping England's woodlands.
343
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:25,800
For a start, it wouldn't be sustainable.
344
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:28,320
What do we do the next time we need
some wood?
345
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:30,360
We can nick all the land off the monasteries.
346
00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:32,720
They've got heaps of trees.
But we've already done that.
347
00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,840
Well, we can use the warships,
348
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:38,000
made from these noble plants,
349
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,400
to conquer other countries and chop
all their trees down!
350
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,840
Good times! Yes, yes, but what
happens when their trees run out?
351
00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:46,920
I don't know. Pass a law to plant
some more, or something.
352
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:48,960
You're the advisor.
You're boring me now.
353
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,000
ARROW PINGS
ANIMAL SQUEAKS
354
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,880
Oh, cool! Want to make yourself
useful, go and fetch that squirrel.
355
00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:54,920
Cook it.
356
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:56,000
I'm hungry.
357
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:57,880
♪ Da-da, da da-dee. ♪
358
00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:02,040
Ruling a country is a difficult and
stressful job.
359
00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:04,160
So, you need to learn how to relax.
360
00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:05,280
So true.
361
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:07,840
You know how I used to relax,
when I was older?
362
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:09,480
Hunting wild animals.
363
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:10,520
How is that relaxing?
364
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:13,360
Well, I used to sort of just stay on
the same spot
365
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:14,960
and have them chased past me.
366
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:17,240
IMAGINARY ARROW SHOOTING
ANIMAL SQUEAKING
367
00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:19,080
Man, I miss dat rush.
368
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:22,960
Well, my way of relaxing
was a nice quiet bath.
369
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:25,480
Just me, all alone...
IMAGINARY ARROWS PINGING
370
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:28,080
...apart from Mr Swanny and, er,
several servants.
371
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,600
Ready to be dressed for bed,
my queen?
372
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:34,760
Five more minutes.
373
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:36,960
Another bath, Your Majesty.
374
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,720
She only had one last month.
375
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:40,800
And I'll have one next month.
376
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,280
A bath a month,
whether I need it or not.
377
00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:45,440
Isn't that right, Mr Swanny?
378
00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:47,720
Mr Swanny says, "Yes, that's right."
379
00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:50,080
And I know best
because I'm the Queen!
380
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:54,960
LAUGHING AND FARTING BUBBLING
381
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:57,520
Ohhh, Mr Swanny!
382
00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:00,680
Your Majesty mustn't take so many
baths, they're bad for you.
383
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:02,760
Well, I like them.
384
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:04,400
Yes, we know that.
385
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:06,880
We have to carry a portable one
around with us
386
00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:08,760
every time you want to travel. Mm.
387
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:10,200
That thing is
not easy
388
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:11,680
to lift on to
the cart.
389
00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:14,400
All I ask, is for a little royal
me-time
390
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:16,280
once a month, in a nice bath,
391
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,520
to take my mind off unhappy thoughts like...
392
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:22,120
...beheading ungrateful servants who
keep picking on me.
393
00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:24,480
Quite right, Your Royal Beautifulness.
394
00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:27,640
Be a treasure and wash my hair,
would you? Certainly, Ma'am.
395
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:30,080
ELIZABETH SINGS
396
00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:32,680
SHE SIGHS
I'll bring it back when it's done.
397
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:39,320
Ah.
398
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:43,400
Ooh. Oh, you've caught me doing
my facial.
399
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:44,440
What?
400
00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:46,280
People are painting me, like, all
the time,
401
00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:47,960
so I have to look my best.
402
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:51,400
But what special ingredient do I use
in my ointments and balms?
403
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,440
Is it...
404
00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:01,200
The answer is C - unicorn horn.
405
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:02,920
Only the
finest ingredients
406
00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:04,360
go on this
kingly body.
407
00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:07,320
Of course, some people say unicorns
aren't real,
408
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:11,040
and it's really the horn from a
narwhal, which is sort of a whale.
409
00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:12,640
But I say...
BLOWS RASPBERRY
410
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,240
Just because you haven't seen something,
411
00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:15,960
doesn't mean you shouldn't believe
in it.
412
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:18,360
I've not seen my perfect wife yet,
413
00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:21,480
but I still believe I might find
one, eventually.
414
00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:23,520
Speaking of which,
leave me in peace.
415
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,000
I've got to keep this on for another
ten minutes,
416
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:27,800
then I'm off on a date.
417
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:29,520
HE SIGHS
418
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:32,320
Please, let this one be my unicorn.
419
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,880
You know, you really do need to be
able to
420
00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:40,640
switch off from the terrible burden
of being an awesome King.
421
00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:42,560
Wars...
EXPLOSION
422
00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:43,920
...executions...
SCREAMING
423
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,320
...are just two ways that I like to decompress.
424
00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:49,520
One of those executions was my
mother! There you go - more stress!
425
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,200
But another way I like to
relax was to dress up
426
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:54,800
as one of my all time heroes.
427
00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:58,840
Now, I have to warn you,
Your Majesty,
428
00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:00,440
your husband, King Henry,
429
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:02,000
is planning a surprise.
430
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,280
Ooh! I love presents.
431
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:07,360
Er, yes, we all love presents,
Queen Katherine,
432
00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:09,480
but this is more likely to be...
433
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:11,440
GRUFF VOICE: Ah-hah! Stand and
deliver!
434
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:13,800
Stand and deliver. Stand and deliver.
435
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:16,880
Oh, Gertrude, Margaret we are being
ambushed!
436
00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:19,520
GRUFF GARBLED VOICE:
I am Robin Hood.
437
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:21,600
They have us surrounded.
Call the King.
438
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:24,320
It is the King, Your Majesty.
NORMAL VOICE: I'm not the King!
439
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:26,400
GRUFFLY: I'm not the
King, I'm Robin Hood.
440
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:28,880
Robin... who? No,
not... Robin HOOD.
441
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:30,440
Robin HOOT?
442
00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:31,800
What, like an owl?
HOOTING
443
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:34,320
It is your husband, Ma'am, but you
have to play along.
444
00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:37,520
Why is he pretending to be an owl?
He's not. He's pretending to be
445
00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:39,160
some mythical bloke from Nottingham
446
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:40,640
who hopped about in tights.
447
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,000
It's an English thing.
448
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:43,240
Ladies, when you're quite finished.
449
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:45,400
Yeah, sort of a whole thing going on here.
450
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:48,040
A lot of people gave up their
afternoons. So... OK.
451
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:52,040
Help! Help! Better.
452
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:55,880
Who will save us from Mr Robin...
453
00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:57,280
Wearing it on my head! ..Hat?
454
00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:58,720
HOOD! Sorry.
455
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:02,600
GRUFFLY: Ladies, we must away
back to Sherwood Forest.
456
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,120
Good times.
457
00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:05,480
Er, must you leave?
458
00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:08,000
Yeah, I really have to go.
These tights are so itchy
459
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,400
and they are riding me raw!
460
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,880
But you cannot leave
without a kiss. Ha!
461
00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:13,960
GRUFFLY: Hang on,
462
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,040
ain't you married?
463
00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:17,520
Yes, how I wish he was here now.
464
00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:19,840
A-ha! He IS here!
465
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:23,240
LADIES IN WAITING: Oh! Tis he.
Tis I, your husband,
466
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,400
Henry VIII. No, I know. We get it.
467
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:26,800
Yeah, I'm not Robin Hood.
468
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:28,680
You totes believed I was him.
469
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:31,440
Oh, no! Who are these large and
handsome...?
470
00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:32,960
No, we've done that now.
471
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:36,720
GRUFFLY: Right, ladies. We
shall meet again in the wild wood,
472
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:38,960
wherever me arrow doth fall.
473
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,120
ARROW PINGS
MAN SCREAMS
474
00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:42,240
Sorry, Simon.
475
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,520
Ladies.
476
00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:46,600
KING AND MEN CHEER
477
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:51,560
Do they do this sort of thing much?
478
00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:53,840
Way too often.
479
00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:58,960
Ho-ho-ho! Robin Hood - more like
Robin HOT.
480
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,120
Am I right?
481
00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:03,600
You know, as well as being a great
ruler, I was a great family man.
482
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:05,720
I treated my son and heir,
Edward VI,
483
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:08,520
like he was the most special
thing in the world.
484
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:09,800
Because he was.
485
00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:11,000
I'm right here!
486
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,200
What's your point?
487
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:16,160
Oh!
SHE GROANS
488
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:18,800
Daddy, you've come to see me!
489
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:23,200
Oh, yo! Big up the future Edward VI,
my little Mini Me.
490
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,400
Brought you a bunch of presents from everyone.
491
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:28,160
Great. Can I go outside today?
492
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:30,320
No chance. You might get ill... again.
493
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:32,560
Oh, but I sneezed, like, once.
494
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:34,520
I think it was just dust.
495
00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,600
Sorry, you're too precious.
496
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:39,080
I can't risk anything happening to
my one male heir.
497
00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:41,440
Why do you think all your food gets
tasted first
498
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,200
and everyone who visits gets washed?
499
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:46,000
Not me!
Everyone else.
500
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:47,160
CLEARS THROAT
501
00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:48,600
Now, stop moping.
502
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:50,320
I should be the
one who's moping.
503
00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:52,320
You've cost me three wives and
a pope.
504
00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:55,160
It's not my fault you were so
desperate for a male heir.
505
00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:58,240
Whatever! Just play with all the
friends I send you.
506
00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:01,280
Friends?! You sent me Sir William Sidney.
507
00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:03,440
He's 64 years old.
SNORING
508
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:06,280
Do you know how bad he is at
hopscotch?
509
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:08,880
Scotch?! Maybe a small one.
510
00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:11,720
He's all right for a game
of scotchie.
511
00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:12,880
Has he been washed?
512
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:16,000
Oh... er...
513
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:17,760
Pressie time! Oh, it's my favourite.
514
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:20,040
Tapestry's from me.
515
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:21,160
Got you the large.
516
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:23,240
Wow! Not as large as that one.
517
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,240
GROWLING
EDWARD SCREAMS
518
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:29,840
SCREAMING: Daddy, there was a bear
inside!
519
00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:33,160
Wow! Fighting bear. That's hardcore.
520
00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,560
Still, health and
safety nightmare.
521
00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:38,280
Can someone wash the bear before
Eddie plays with it?
522
00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:40,440
I don't want it passing on a bug.
523
00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:42,480
EDWARD SCREAMS
524
00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:44,640
Grow up. It's only a bear.
525
00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:46,600
You're lucky we didn't get you
a tiger.
526
00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:48,600
Actually, that sounds pretty rah.
527
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:50,680
Might put one on my Christmas list.
528
00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:52,400
SCREAMING: I don't like it.
529
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:54,040
OK, bored now.
530
00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:55,440
Lunch!
531
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:58,160
While we were kings and queens
and princes and princesses,
532
00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:00,040
we were also a family.
533
00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:02,480
And when I was younger,
we loved nothing more than
534
00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:05,640
spending time together,
especially at Christmas.
535
00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:08,880
Oh, I like presents the best.
536
00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:11,960
Daddy! Yeah, and I liked spending
time with you, too.
537
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:13,880
Thank you.
538
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:15,760
QUIETLY: But mostly the presents.
539
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:20,160
UPBEAT POP MUSIC
540
00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:28,280
Oh, wait. Anne of Cleves isn't here.
541
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,560
You haven't invited all the
ex-wives, have you?
542
00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:32,760
There's only one left.
All our mums are dead.
543
00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:34,560
Three different mothers, all dead.
544
00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:37,080
You'd think I'd remember.
545
00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:44,080
Cooee! Oh, joy. Anne of Cleves is here.
546
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:49,440
Sorry, I was praying again.
547
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:53,760
Right, ready.
548
00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:56,560
ALL: Happy Christmas from the Tudors.
549
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:03,600
It's Christmas and no-one's given me
a present yet.
550
00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:06,760
I wonder if Captain Christmas has
hidden them?
551
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:10,280
He loves presents so much, we all
have to buy him one,
552
00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:12,160
even the courtiers.
553
00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:14,280
Shall we do presents?!
554
00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:15,360
Presents!
555
00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:17,880
Well, no-one's got anything better
to do.
556
00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:20,640
I'll go first, because I got you guys
557
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:21,760
the best present ever.
558
00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:24,040
Is it France?
Oh, no. It's too small.
559
00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:26,640
It's not Wales, is it?
Cos I've already got one.
560
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:28,520
Oh.
561
00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:31,640
You've translated a book of
French and Latin prayers
562
00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:34,440
into English. Oh,
it's wonderful.
563
00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:35,640
I embroidered it
564
00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:37,640
with both of
your initials.
565
00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:39,840
HE LAUGHS WEAKLY
566
00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:42,040
Seriously, what did you get me?
567
00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:44,440
It's cos I know how much you
love religion, Daddy.
568
00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:46,720
I mean, you literally started your
own church.
569
00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:48,560
Only so he could divorce my mum,
570
00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:50,560
who died of a broken heart.
571
00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:52,520
Why would you bring that up at
Christmas?!
572
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:54,800
I'm quite aware that it's Christmas.
MARY IMITATES ELIZABETH
573
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:56,120
Girls!
574
00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:58,320
ALL ARGUE
Girls!
575
00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:00,000
It's present time.
576
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:01,480
Read the room.
577
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:05,600
Daddy, I've got you another present.
578
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:07,640
HE LAUGHS
579
00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:10,000
I knew you weren't
just going to give
580
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:11,440
me that silly sort of boring,
581
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:13,200
little book. Oh, it's the same one.
582
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:14,640
I made you one each.
583
00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:16,360
It's, er, very nice.
584
00:24:16,360 --> 00:24:17,640
FAKE COUGHING: Rudey gift.
585
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:19,480
Ask me what I want for Christmas?
586
00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:21,880
OK, what do you want?
587
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:24,080
Well, we all know how generous you are.
588
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:25,840
Spent a whole year's
tax revenue
589
00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:27,000
for Christmas once.
590
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:30,520
Well, I thought
a wonderful gift
591
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:34,880
might be to recognise me as heir
to the throne.
592
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:38,920
DRAMATIC MUSIC
593
00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:41,040
Ah.
594
00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:42,760
Unbelievable.
595
00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:44,800
ALL ARGUE
596
00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:46,240
She's not even a boy.
597
00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:48,920
King Elizabeth?!
Sounds rubbish.
598
00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:51,840
Honestly, I'm just happy to still be alive.
599
00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:53,040
Families, eh?
600
00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:55,080
ARGUING CONTINUES
601
00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:56,720
Can't live with them,
602
00:24:56,720 --> 00:24:58,480
but CAN execute them.
603
00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:00,680
Good times.
604
00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:02,840
AXE SLICES
605
00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:04,200
So, there you go.
606
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:05,760
That's how you rule.
607
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:08,280
Mechanical dragons, wine fountains.
608
00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:10,680
Bathing once a month, whether you
need it or not.
609
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:12,960
Dressing up as your favourite
mythical heroes.
610
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:15,440
Being ready to drop a galliard at
a moment's notice.
611
00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:18,360
And having a Groom Of The Stool
ready to clear it up!
612
00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:20,360
FARTING
It's a dance, as you well know.
613
00:25:20,360 --> 00:25:21,400
It's his favourite.
614
00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:23,480
LAUGHING: I know. We're getting on
though, aren't we?
615
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:24,880
I think it's fair to say,
616
00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:27,680
when it comes to being a monarch,
we both nailed it.
617
00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:29,560
Follow these invaluable tips and you too
618
00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:30,800
might rule one day.
619
00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:31,960
Maybe.
620
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:34,640
Perhaps, if your dad's the King. Yeah.
621
00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:37,120
Also helps if you're awesome at all
sports, too.
622
00:25:37,120 --> 00:25:40,120
BOTH: Thanks for watching. Goodbye!
623
00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:45,520
IN STYLE OF: Get Lucky
by Daft Punk
624
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:50,560
♪ You think you know so much of me
625
00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:52,680
♪ Beheadings, heirs, romance
626
00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:55,120
♪ Change wives almost as often as
627
00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:56,760
♪ I change my underpants
628
00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:59,000
♪ Apart from my great modesty
629
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:01,200
♪ There's other things you ought
630
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:03,480
♪ To know
King Henry VIII, that's me
631
00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:05,080
♪ Was brilliant at sport
632
00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:08,760
♪ I was a star
633
00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:14,000
♪ At competitive arts
634
00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:17,240
♪ Though I look more
635
00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:21,640
♪ Like a man who plays darts
636
00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:24,040
♪ I learnt how to, just for fun
637
00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:26,400
♪ And used my height against some
638
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:28,240
♪ I dressed as a knight and won
639
00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:30,760
♪ No wonder that I got sweaty
640
00:26:30,760 --> 00:26:32,400
♪ There really is nothing like
641
00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:34,600
♪ The great feeling when you strike
642
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:36,920
♪ A bloke with a 12-foot spike
643
00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:39,240
♪ One-nil, back of the netty
644
00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:45,120
♪ I really love to get sweaty
645
00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:48,440
♪ I wasn't just a jouster
646
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:50,520
♪ Threw a javelin, you know
647
00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:52,960
♪ Axe-fighting, dressage, archery
648
00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:54,760
♪ All strings to my longbow
649
00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:56,920
♪ Dad made real tennis popular
650
00:26:56,920 --> 00:26:59,120
♪ I was a proper Federer
651
00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:01,080
♪ Of course, no-one would beat the King
652
00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:03,240
♪ At tennis I was betterer
653
00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:05,160
SYNTH VOICE # I really love to get
654
00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:12,040
♪ I really love to get sweaty
655
00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:15,520
♪ My sporting lark's
656
00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:19,600
♪ Why there's so many parks
657
00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:23,680
♪ Green there and here
658
00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:28,440
♪ Cos I liked killing deer
659
00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:30,520
♪ But then I fell off my horse
660
00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:32,480
♪ It landed on me with force
661
00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:34,600
♪ And so, no more sport, of course
662
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:36,680
♪ That makes no more getting sweaty
663
00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:38,520
♪ And as the years went by
664
00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:40,800
♪ I fell in love with pie
665
00:27:40,800 --> 00:27:42,880
♪ And soon after I... ♪
666
00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:45,040
...could barely get off the settee.
667
00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:47,080
HE SIGHS
668
00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:51,720
VOCALISING ROCK VERSION
OF THEME TUNE
669
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:01,240
♪ The past is no longer a mystery
670
00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:03,080
♪ Hope you enjoyed
671
00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:06,720
♪ Horrible Histories. ♪
672
00:28:06,770 --> 00:28:11,320
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