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♪ Terrible Tudors
Gorgeous Georgians
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00:00:03,520 --> 00:00:04,840
♪ Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
3
00:00:04,840 --> 00:00:07,320
♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights
4
00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:09,920
♪ Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
5
00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,560
♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
Punishment from ancient times
6
00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:15,520
♪ Romans rotten, rank and ruthless
Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless
7
00:00:15,520 --> 00:00:18,040
♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
Mean and measly Middle Ages
8
00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:20,760
♪ Gory stories, we do that
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00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:23,280
♪ And your host, a talking rat
10
00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:26,240
♪ The past is no longer a mystery
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00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:27,520
♪ Welcome to...
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00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:31,360
♪ Horrible Histories. ♪
13
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Horrible Histories presents...
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00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:37,120
...Banging Bling!
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Ah, bling.
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Jewellery, riches and money.
17
00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:44,040
They say money
makes the world go round.
18
00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:47,240
Although we haven't always used
actual coins and notes.
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00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:51,040
To begin with, people used to just
swap or trade things with each other
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00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:52,480
as a way of paying for stuff.
21
00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:55,720
Until someone in Greece
in the 7th century BC
22
00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:58,240
came up with the idea of coins.
23
00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:00,000
Now, if you'll excuse me,
24
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I'm just off to see
what I can swap this goose for.
25
00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:03,600
Ow!
26
00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:06,760
Ooh!
27
00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:08,800
That pot costs two jars
or a box of bees,
28
00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:11,440
but don't try and palm me off
with wasps,
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00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:13,720
I've been stung like that before.
30
00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:15,920
Do you accept money?
What's money?
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00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:17,960
Here. This is money.
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It's a coin made from a mix
of gold and silver.
33
00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:22,880
What do I do with that?
You exchange it for other things.
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It's got a picture of a lion on it.
35
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Oh, I see. I exchange it
for a lion, do I? No.
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What would I want with a lion?
No, thanks, mate. Too dangerous.
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No, it's not worth a lion.
38
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That's just a decoration
that tells you where it's from.
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This is a Lydian Lion.
It's the first coin.
40
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The pot costs two furs, mate.
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00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:40,960
Feel the weight of the furs.
42
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:43,240
Now feel the weight
of the Lydian Lion.
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Suppose it does save me carrying
around heavy furs all day.
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All right. Yeah, I'll take it.
45
00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:53,320
Thanks very much.
46
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:54,760
Morning. Hiya.
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Do you accept Lydian Lions?
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I certainly do, love, yeah.
49
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Keep the change.
50
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LION ROARS
51
00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:03,080
Oh, come on!
52
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Do you remember where you were when
Julius Caesar
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00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:08,080
was stabbed to death?
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I know I do.
55
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I was stabbing him in the back.
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HE LAUGHS
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I'm Brutus.
58
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,040
{\an8}And me and my senator mates
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00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:19,360
{\an8}bravely freed Rome from the dictator
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00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:21,080
Julius Caesar by doing him in.
61
00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:24,720
You know, people often say to me,
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"Brutus, I wish I had a reminder of
the time that you murdered that guy,
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"like a special coin or something."
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Well, you're in luck.
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Oh, what is that?
66
00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:34,960
I'm glad you asked.
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00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:38,440
This cushy little number will be
a reminder of his brutal death
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00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:40,120
{\an8}every time you pay for something.
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00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:41,720
{\an8}Look, it's got daggers on it,
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00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:43,760
and a picture of me
on the other side.
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00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:46,280
Isn't putting your face on coins
the exact sort of thing
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00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:48,240
Caesar used to do?
What's your point?
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00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:51,600
Didn't we kill him because of
that sort of behaviour?
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{\an8}The Caesar murder souvenir coin from
Brutus. Terms and conditions apply.
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00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:57,960
{\an8}Brutus coins may not be valid
in the event of Brutus' death
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{\an8}at the hands of Caesar's friends
and family.
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{\an8}Excuse me? Nothing!
78
00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:10,480
Brutus really did release a coin
celebrating Caesar's assassination.
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00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:12,720
Talk about cold, hard cash.
80
00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:16,920
Of course, once you've got loads
of money, you can afford
81
00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:19,680
to really splash it about
and be generous with it.
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00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:24,000
And Mansa Musa, one of the richest
men who ever lived,
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00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:25,760
certainly did that.
84
00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:34,200
Good afternoon. I'd like to rent
some of your rooms.
85
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Sure. How many do you need?
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All of them.
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That's not going to be cheap.
88
00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:40,040
Oh, I'm sorry,
I'm not from around here.
89
00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:44,120
Will this cover it?
90
00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:47,840
Oh, where did you get all this?
91
00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:50,920
I'm Mansa Musa, the ruler of the
Mali Empire. I've got a lot
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00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:54,200
of money, so I like to spread it
around, you know, I like to...
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MUSIC: IN THE STYLE OF
I LIKE TO MOVE IT
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♪ I like to spend it, spend it
I like to spend it, spend it
95
00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:00,240
♪ Got so much I can't spend it
96
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,160
♪ Here, have some, you spend it
97
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:06,000
♪ I like to spend it, spend it
98
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:08,120
♪ Got so much, I can't spend it
99
00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:10,000
♪ Here, have some, you spend it! ♪
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00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:13,920
Half the gold in all the world
comes from my fine mines in Mali.
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So much gold, it mash up my mind.
102
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,760
Make me want to go to Mecca,
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00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:21,240
give thanks and pray.
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And along the way, I pay to build
a mosque nearly every Friday.
105
00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:27,880
♪ I like to spend it, spend it
Cash!
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00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:29,560
♪ I like to spend it, spend it
Money!
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00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:31,760
♪ If you need some, I can send it
Gold!
108
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:33,240
♪ Here, have some, you spend it
109
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,280
♪ Travelling light,
we don't need many fellas
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00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:37,200
♪ Royal guard,
teacher and storyteller
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00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:39,080
♪ Royal doctor,
me wife and her maids
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00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:41,080
♪ Couple of officials,
and can't forget slaves
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00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:42,720
♪ And 500 heralds in silk
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♪ Heralds in, heralds in,
heralds in silk
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♪ How many?
500 heralds in silk
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00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:47,400
♪ So many heralds!
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00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:49,080
♪ Heralds in, heralds in,
heralds in silk
118
00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,000
♪ I like to spend it, spend it
I love it!
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♪ I like to spend it, spend it
I'm serious!
120
00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:55,000
♪ Got so much, I can't spend it
So much money
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♪ Here, have some, you spend it. ♪
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I mean, I said to her,
"I've been stung before."
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I'm a sensitive guy.
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Argh!
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We have them, the treacherous
Saracen Barbarians.
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00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:12,600
Our army will rid the world
of these monsters, Your Majesty.
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00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:13,920
Attack!
128
00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:18,080
THEY COUGH
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00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:21,320
Our enemy, King Richard, is here,
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00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:24,040
and he is powerless before us.
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00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:27,200
I know exactly what our master,
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00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:30,080
the Sultan Saladin,
would have us do.
133
00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:33,680
Send for the doctor, poor things.
134
00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:34,960
Here, guys, let me help.
135
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,960
Are you OK? Take a seat, sit down.
136
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:40,000
Please, take a moment,
you're guests. Mm, not really.
137
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:43,760
Our army's come to kill you
and your whole savage army.
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00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,040
Death to the unbeliever...!
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00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:47,240
HE COUGHS
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00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:49,080
Yes, yes, there's plenty of time
for that.
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00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:53,920
Listen, Saladin is the richest, most
generous leader in the Holy Land,
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00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:57,200
and I know he wouldn't want
to fight you in this condition.
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00:05:57,200 --> 00:06:00,200
I'm blind... I'm blind!
144
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:01,240
Oh!
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00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:02,760
It's OK, petal.
146
00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:05,800
Oh, oh...
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00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,120
...I see again.
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00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:08,200
Sorry.
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00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:12,520
Anyway, I know Saladin,
and he's not just rich here,
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00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:14,440
he's rich here, too.
151
00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:17,080
So listen, get your strength back.
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Rest, eat well.
153
00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:20,800
We're a bit short of food, actually.
154
00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:23,320
Here, take this fruit basket, bro,
it's good.
155
00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:24,760
Loads of good fruit in there.
156
00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:26,920
{\an8}Thanks. And is there anything else
you need?
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00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,200
{\an8}You know, money, jewellery,
a horse?
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00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,160
{\an8}Ooh, actually...
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00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:32,560
{\an8}...because I do need a horse.
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00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:33,720
{\an8}Consider it done.
161
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{\an8}Saladin's generosity has no limits.
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Oh, well...
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00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:39,600
...I'll see you soon, then,
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00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:40,640
for the war!
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00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:43,000
Oh, of course,
I'll let the Sultan know,
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00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:44,320
but no rush.
167
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:46,880
Yes, you just make sure
that you're good and strong,
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00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:48,800
and we'll be here waiting.
169
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:54,320
Absolute savages, aren't they, sir?
Monsters!
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Did you know that Saladin gave
so much of his wealth away
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00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:02,400
that, when he died,
he didn't have enough cash
172
00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:04,120
to pay for his own funeral?
173
00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:05,600
Amazing.
174
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:09,600
But some people in history weren't
so generous with their bling.
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00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:11,760
They just spent it on themselves.
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00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:14,040
Take Henry VIII.
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00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:17,640
Most of us don't spend a fortune
when we go camping,
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00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:20,680
but Henry was not like us.
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00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:24,080
When he went camping in 1520,
with the King of France,
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00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:27,760
he spent so much money,
the campsite was called
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00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:30,760
the Field of Cloth of Gold.
182
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:35,640
Four of the last five kings
of England have died
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00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:38,400
in mysterious
or violent circumstances.
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00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:40,560
That trend ends with me.
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00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,120
I'm Henry VIII,
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00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:45,000
and this is X-treme Survival!
187
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:48,000
Tip one - self-defence.
188
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:50,920
Britain's been at war with France
on and off forever.
189
00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:53,880
Coming to the border between English
and French controlled France
190
00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:55,960
may not have been the smartest idea.
191
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:58,640
I may need to defend myself
in a hurry.
192
00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:00,600
Look around you. What do you see?
193
00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:02,560
A stout branch...
194
00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:05,200
...sharpened, would
make an excellent spear.
195
00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:08,560
Well-positioned leaves can make
excellent camouflage.
196
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:11,480
But what I like to do is...
197
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:14,560
...contact my enemy, King Francis,
in advance,
198
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:15,880
{\an8}sign a peace treaty,
199
00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:18,040
{\an8}and throw a big festival
to celebrate,
200
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:20,120
{\an8}with tournaments, singing, dancing,
201
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:21,640
{\an8}wrestling and archery.
202
00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:25,040
{\an8}Le good times. Survivre a l'extreme!
203
00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:27,880
Although technically speaking,
this whole area should be part
204
00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:30,040
of France, and I may have to attack
next year.
205
00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:31,520
Good luck with that.
206
00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:34,440
Tip two - shelter.
207
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:38,080
You've made peace, but it's not
just people that can be hostile.
208
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:40,120
You may find yourself battling
the elements too.
209
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:42,800
You need shelter. Look around you.
What do you see?
210
00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:44,000
Trees. Bushes.
211
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:47,720
A simple shelter made from branches
could keep you alive
212
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:49,400
on a cold night.
213
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:53,880
But what I like to do is have my men
build a field full of massive tents,
214
00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:56,480
with actual windows
and our own chapel.
215
00:08:56,480 --> 00:09:00,240
{\an8}10,000m of tent city, baby!
216
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:03,600
It's so big, they call it
the Field of Cloth of Gold.
217
00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:06,120
Lush. But you're going to need
some food in there.
218
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:09,520
So what I like to do is
bring 3,500 sheep,
219
00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:11,640
850 veal calves,
220
00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:13,360
bunch of pigs,
221
00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:16,440
{\an8}and there's a fountain
that squirts actual wine,
222
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,080
{\an8}obviously.
223
00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:21,040
You all right, mate?
224
00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:23,320
Bit quiet.
225
00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:25,800
Tip three - companionship.
226
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,440
Many a man has gone mad
in the wilderness
227
00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:33,160
with no-one to talk to but a few
rocks with faces drawn on them.
228
00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:34,640
This is Edward.
229
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:37,040
And this is Edward too.
230
00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:38,480
I've never been good with names.
231
00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:41,240
Isolation can be a deadly enemy.
232
00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:43,640
Look around you. What do you see?
233
00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:45,760
Well, the countryside might provide
the solution -
234
00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:47,360
walking, hunting, fishing.
235
00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:50,560
But what I like to do is travel
with over 6,000 people with me,
236
00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:52,280
including my wife
237
00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:55,880
AND a toy mechanical dragon kite.
238
00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:59,120
{\an8}I take over 1,000 extra people
with me too.
239
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:02,640
A duchess, 10 countesses,
12 Baronesses,
240
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:06,040
20 knight's ladies,
14 general regular ladies,
241
00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:08,480
a chaplain
and some bishops.
242
00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:09,960
That's X-treme Survival.
243
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:13,040
Hardcore.
244
00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:15,600
I'm Henry VIII.
245
00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:18,800
It's 1520,
I'm in the Field of Cloth of Gold,
246
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:21,400
and I've got a mechanical dragon.
247
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,280
This is X-treme Survival!
248
00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:30,080
Just me for the end one, I think,
doing the X.
249
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:31,360
Yeah. Thanks.
250
00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:37,760
As you can see, Empress Dowager,
251
00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:41,800
it is incredibly important we spend
the money to reinforce our navy.
252
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:44,800
We could be at war with Japan
any day now.
253
00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:47,880
Yes, I can see how serious this is.
254
00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:50,160
The money should be spent on...
255
00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:54,320
...my 60th birthday party.
256
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:58,280
But the Japanese... I'm not
inviting them! It's my party.
257
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,360
And happy birthday in advance,
258
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,640
but there'll be plenty
of money left over
259
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:06,360
after paying for the party,
so we could spend it on...
260
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:10,720
84 triumphal arches, 14 stages
261
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,240
and a ten-mile procession!
262
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:15,840
Well, even so,
there still ought to be...
263
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:20,400
A million pieces of silk and a whole
bunch of temporary dragon buildings
264
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:22,760
and a huge amount
of yellow porcelain
265
00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:26,280
covered in tree blossom
and butterflies and all sorts!
266
00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:30,240
{\an8}Your Imperial Majesty, we have no
shells for our guns, we have no...
267
00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:31,880
{\an8}Gunpowder! Exactly.
268
00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:35,480
{\an8}For my fireworks. No! Ah!
269
00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:39,160
{\an8}We are in mortal danger
of the Japanese!
270
00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:41,560
{\an8}What do you propose filling
the cannons with?
271
00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:46,480
{\an8}We could use the broken pots.
Your Imperial Majesty, we need a...
272
00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:49,120
{\an8}A boat! No! Wait, what?
273
00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:53,080
{\an8}Yes, a boat. Several, actually.
274
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,560
{\an8}Modern gunboats. Ah, at last!
275
00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:58,680
{\an8}A boat made entirely of marble!
276
00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:01,400
{\an8}Marble?! Well, what would you make
a party boat from?
277
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:04,360
{\an8}A party boat? Made of stone?
278
00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:07,000
I mean, do you think one's enough?
There'll be so many guests!
279
00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:11,000
Your Imperial Majesty, I must warn
you, you run the risk of having...
280
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,680
The best birthday party ever.
281
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,240
SHOUTING AND CANNON FIRE
282
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:19,920
Reverend Scott,
are we prepared below?
283
00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:22,080
Yes, Dr Beatty, ready
to receive casualties.
284
00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:25,080
With Admiral Nelson in charge,
the casualties should be few enough.
285
00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:26,920
I predict a fine victory.
286
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:28,400
Look - there he is now.
287
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:30,560
A master at work.
288
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:32,560
Oh, no!
289
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:35,520
He's wearing the full bling,
the coat with all the medals on.
290
00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,760
We might as well have a big arrow
pointing at him
291
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:40,280
saying, "Please shoot here."
Please tell him to take it off.
292
00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:43,280
{\an8}Not likely! The admiral's better at
giving orders than taking them.
293
00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:45,400
{\an8}We can't lose the battle
in the first five minutes
294
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:46,520
{\an8}cos Nelson gets shot!
295
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:48,640
{\an8}Napoleon's forces have snipers
in the riggings.
296
00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:50,240
{\an8}They're going to see him
immediately!
297
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,320
{\an8}Why don't you tell him?
Tell me what?
298
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:56,280
Er, Dr Beatty was discussing
how big your...
299
00:12:56,280 --> 00:13:00,360
How big my victory against the
French and Spanish navy will be?
300
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:03,480
Yeah, tell me about it.
No, no, we were, um...
301
00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:07,160
...suggesting... A location
for the victory party?
302
00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:10,200
Yeah, good point. They do book up.
DISTANT SCREAMING
303
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:11,920
It was actually about your medals.
304
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:14,480
We thought maybe
the uniform might, er... Aah!
305
00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:17,600
Look totally amazeballs?
Yeah, what can I say?
306
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:19,000
Look how shiny it is.
307
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:20,840
Admiral Nelson, over here!
MAN SCREAMS
308
00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:23,840
Oh, sounds like I'm needed.
Boom - laters.
309
00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:27,400
BULLETS RICOCHET
Ahh! He'll be fine.
310
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:30,080
The medals are so big the bullets
will bounce off them like armour.
311
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:32,400
{\an8}Victory is still guaranteed.
No doubt about it.
312
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:34,080
{\an8}Nelson's been shot!
313
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,600
{\an8}Oh!
314
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:38,520
{\an8}Bad time to say, "I told you so"?
Very bad time.
315
00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:42,800
I guess getting all blinged up
so people notice you
316
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:47,080
isn't such a good idea when you've
got French snipers looking for you.
317
00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:50,960
But there are things other
than jewellery - heh -
318
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:55,160
you can splash your cash on,
like some expensive art.
319
00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:58,400
Mind you, you don't always
get what you pay for,
320
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:01,640
even when you hire a couple
of legends like artistic rivals
321
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:04,600
Leonardo da Vinci and Michelangelo.
322
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:05,960
SHOT WHIZZES PAST
Oi!
323
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:11,560
Sorting out the beefs of the past...
Can it, Harold!
324
00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:13,640
...with the justice of today.
325
00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:16,360
Well, that arrow in your eye will be
the least of your worries.
326
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:18,320
Welcome to...
327
00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:26,120
Rival Renaissance artists
Leonardo da Vinci and Michelangelo
328
00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:29,600
have been summoned to discuss some
issues with their craftsmanship.
329
00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:32,320
Ah, so, Leonardo, help me.
330
00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:34,800
Why do you think you're
the best artist then, hm?
331
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:37,280
I mean, where do I start?
I painted the Mona Lisa,
332
00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:39,840
The Last Supper, Vitruvian Man -
333
00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:43,160
I mean, that's the greatest example
of the ideal human body.
334
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:45,600
MICHELANGELO SNORTS
Not including yours, Judge.
335
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,480
Is smooth.
336
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:50,200
MICHELANGELO SIGHS
These are the words of a child.
337
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:53,040
A very talented child genius
with a beard.
338
00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:56,600
I painted The Last Judgment,
the Sistine Chapel,
339
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,360
and I sculpted the statue of David.
340
00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:02,000
I might sculpt a fist
and chuck it at your mouth.
341
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,800
Come on, then. I'm waiting.
342
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:06,040
Come on, then! Quiet!
GAVEL BANGS
343
00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:09,240
Can you Renaissance masters
master the etiquette of court?
344
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:11,200
Si. Disgraceful.
345
00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:15,120
Mi scusi. Now, as I understand it,
you were commissioned to do murals
346
00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:18,200
at the same room
at the Palazzo della Signoria,
347
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:21,560
so I assume, given the two of you
are the greatest in the world,
348
00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:23,920
that it went quite well, no?
DA VINCI SIGHS
349
00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:26,080
It's not a great example of
something going well, no.
350
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:28,360
To be honest, it's not something
I prefer to talk about.
351
00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:30,240
Oh, for goodness' sake.
Bring the witness in.
352
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,640
I don't think we need
to do the witness.
353
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:34,440
Oh! Oh, not this guy.
354
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:36,040
Oh, he's got a face on.
355
00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:38,120
Ah. Thank you for coming
to court today, sir.
356
00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:41,160
As I understand it, you commissioned
these two artists, didn't you?
357
00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:43,080
How did it go?
Don't be a big snitch.
358
00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:44,960
Let me paint you a picture. Yes.
359
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:48,840
Michelangelo hadn't even started
his after years of waiting for him!
360
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:51,520
Yeah, but, it's still
in the design phase, so...
361
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:55,760
And Leonardo,
he tried to dry his with fire
362
00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:57,880
and nearly burned down the hall!
363
00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:00,720
It's wet paint. It needs to dry.
What do you want from me?
364
00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:03,240
I hired two of the greatest artists
of all time... Thank you.
365
00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:06,320
...and I got one burnt wall
and one with nothing on!
366
00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:09,840
Thank you so much for coming, sir,
and for your honesty.
367
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:14,120
Now, do either of you have anything
to say for yourselves?
368
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:16,680
Just that I really hope
all the best for Michelangelo,
369
00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:19,040
and I hope that he...
So sad how bad he smells.
370
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:22,040
Unbelievable! I'm old!
I'm a very old man, don't hurt me!
371
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:24,600
Order! Look, get them
out of my courtroom.
372
00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:27,080
There's only room for one
diva here, and that's me.
373
00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:29,480
THEY SHOUT
Argh! Please... Out! Out!
374
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:35,240
Spending money on art?
What a ghastly idea.
375
00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:39,240
Us Puritans were not fans of
any kind of extravagance,
376
00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:41,040
so we didn't like the monarchy,
377
00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:44,440
and you can probably guess what we
made of their biggest bit of bling,
378
00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:46,360
the Crown Jewels...
CLANG
379
00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:50,160
Good morrow and what's up?
I'm Helpless Humiliation Harris.
380
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:52,320
Welcome to my ThouTube
Puritan craft channel.
381
00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:54,200
This week, my guest
is Henry Mildmay,
382
00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:57,240
Master of the Jewel House,
which holds the crown jewels.
383
00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:59,840
What we doing today, Henry?
Today I'm going to be showing you
384
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:01,880
how to make the Crown Jewels -
terribly sorry.
385
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:04,480
I'm going to be showing you
how to UNMAKE the Crown Jewels.
386
00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:07,000
I'm going to be destroying them.
Nice!
387
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:08,840
Aren't you meant to be looking
after them?
388
00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:11,600
That is what I did for the King,
but I now work for his enemy.
389
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:14,320
Parliament are not
so hot on the royals.
390
00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:16,560
OK, so now that we don't
have kings and queens,
391
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:19,440
we don't need the Crown Jewels,
so I'm going to be breaking them up,
392
00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:22,760
melting them down and raising money
for the new government. Great.
393
00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:26,360
Let's start with the King's
state crown. Lovely bit of kit.
394
00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:28,280
About 500 years old. Stunning.
395
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:31,800
Talk us through what you're
doing there, Henry.
396
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:34,560
So, right now, I'm hitting it
with a hammer. Mm-hm.
397
00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:37,160
And can anyone, sort of, just
do this at home? Er, yeah.
398
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:40,800
If you've got crown jewels at home,
feel free to do it, yeah. Argh! OK.
399
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:43,720
What we've now got is, sort of,
piles of precious metals
400
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:45,640
and we'll melt those down,
make coins,
401
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:48,160
and they'll be worth maybe...£1,000?
402
00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:50,000
Right, and how much were
they worth before?
403
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,480
It was priceless. OK.
404
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:54,120
Next up, we got
the royal jewelled sceptre
405
00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:57,240
that belonged to Edward
the Confessor in the 11th century.
406
00:17:57,240 --> 00:17:58,280
Very nice.
407
00:17:58,280 --> 00:18:01,640
Obviously, it'll take Henry a long
time to totally unmake that sceptre,
408
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:04,520
so here's an orb that
was unmade earlier.
409
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:08,720
Full instructions are available
on my ThouTube channel
410
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:10,480
or are just on the screen right now.
411
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:13,720
Thank you so much for coming, Henry.
Yeah, thanks for having me.
412
00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:16,120
Funny thought, I hope they don't
reinstate the monarchy.
413
00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:17,560
They would not like me!
414
00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:19,960
Don't forget to check out
my sister's Un-Make-Up channel,
415
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,440
where she shows you how to,
sort of, remove all of your make-up
416
00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:25,520
because we're making a law
to ban it. Like and subscribe!
417
00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:31,440
Hoo-hoo-hoo! Those Puritans
wanted to get rid of any bling
418
00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:32,840
associated with the monarchy,
419
00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:36,000
and that can be the problem
when you have lots of nice things.
420
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:37,480
As history has shown us,
421
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:41,160
there are always people who'd
like to relieve you of your bling,
422
00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:44,040
whether that involves
stealing it from you,
423
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:47,600
tricking you,
or just setting things on fire.
424
00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:49,000
Hmm...
425
00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:52,920
Help! Fire! My building's on fire!
426
00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:56,680
Oh, dear. What jolly bad luck.
427
00:18:56,680 --> 00:19:00,520
Hey, you're Marcus Licinius Crassus,
the politician and general,
428
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:03,560
and you've got your own private
fire brigade with you. Have I?
429
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:07,160
Oh, yes, I have, yeah.
What a brilliant coincidence!
430
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:09,880
Yes. Coincidence.
431
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:12,040
That's one way to put it.
432
00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:13,760
Take a seat, fellas.
433
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:18,560
Now, then, I'd like to
buy your building.
434
00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:21,920
What? Well, OK.
It's nice and warm,
435
00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:25,520
and all the fire escapes have
been tested very recently,
436
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:28,480
but I do need to sell
really quickly.
437
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:32,960
It's worth about 10,000 sesterces.
Are they going to put the fire out?
438
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:36,000
That depends on how
this negotiation goes.
439
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,920
I'll give you 5,000.
440
00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:41,160
5,000? But I won't be able
to buy a new house for that!
441
00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:43,520
CRASH
Make that 4,000.
442
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:45,720
Please get your fire brigade
to put the fire out.
443
00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:47,720
I will... once you've
sold me the house.
444
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,680
You're one of the richest men
in Rome!
445
00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:52,880
You can afford more than
4,000 sesterces! 3,000,
446
00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:56,640
and I got that rich by buying
hot properties like your own
447
00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:58,360
for knock-down prices.
448
00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:01,640
HE LAUGHS
449
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:04,040
You get it? They're hot property,
450
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:07,360
and knocked down. It's very good.
451
00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:09,480
2,000. Oh... sold.
452
00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:13,240
Sold to the horrible man
with his own private fire brigade,
453
00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:17,080
who just happened to be passing
when my building caught fire.
454
00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:19,560
Like you said, a lucky coincidence.
455
00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:26,400
Yes, I think once the fire's out,
I might knock through.
456
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,800
CRASH
Oh. There's no need.
457
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:31,240
You're the greediest,
most horrible man I've ever met!
458
00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:34,360
I hope you choke on your gold.
Sorry, can't stop to chat.
459
00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:36,640
Need to head over to
the Aventine Hill.
460
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:39,560
I heard a little rumour
there may be a fire there
461
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:41,480
in about an hour's time.
462
00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:43,720
See you later!
463
00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:45,160
Grr!
464
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:51,520
SCREAMING
I wasn't ready!
465
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:54,240
Is your kingdom being raided
by Vikings?
466
00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:56,520
Yes - it's happening right now.
467
00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:59,400
{\an8}Then you need Danegeld
Viking Insurance.
468
00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:01,720
{\an8}For just 10,000 pounds of silver,
469
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:04,480
{\an8}we'll make sure
they never invade you again.
470
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:05,960
How will you stop them invading?
471
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,600
Oh, we just won't invade.
472
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,800
Terms and conditions apply.
Paying the Danegeld
473
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:13,160
does not affect your rights
because you don't have any.
474
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,160
Remember, the Danegeld can go up
as well as down,
475
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:16,800
and if you fall behind
on your payments
476
00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:18,000
your kingdom may be at risk.
477
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,840
Other Viking kings are available
and might invade you anyway.
478
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:23,120
What did she say?
Oh, that's the terms and conditions.
479
00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:25,880
No-one listens to them.
Sign up today!
480
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:27,520
Well... There's a free gift.
481
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:30,480
That's a finger.
But it's still free.
482
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:33,480
Sure. Why not?
What could go wrong?
483
00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:35,760
{\an8}Danegeld Viking insurance.
484
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:39,120
{\an8}For all your "not being invaded
by Vikings" needs.
485
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:45,480
SCREAMING
486
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:48,840
What are you doing? I already
paid you not to invade!
487
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:50,360
Yeah, but that was ages ago.
488
00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:53,000
16,000, now, please. But I...
489
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:55,520
It's either that
or a very long, expensive war.
490
00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:57,320
Just think of the savings.
491
00:21:57,320 --> 00:22:00,440
This is the last time, OK?
No more invading.
492
00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:02,640
Promise? Pinky promise.
493
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:04,880
SQUELCH
It's another free gift.
494
00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:07,880
Terms and conditions apply. Yeah,
I'm not going to listen to those.
495
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:15,560
SCREAMING
Come on!
496
00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:17,240
I already paid you off!
497
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:21,320
What, because you pay one Viking
off, that buys off all Vikings?
498
00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:23,400
Like we all live in
the same village?
499
00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:24,880
24,000, please.
500
00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:27,120
I can't afford that. Oh, dear.
501
00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:29,360
You know what happens?
Terms and conditions apply.
502
00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:31,320
Paying the Danegeld does
not affect your rights
503
00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:33,520
because you don't have any.
Don't worry about this.
504
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,920
The Danegeld can go up as well as
down and if you fall behind,
505
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:37,840
your kingdom may be at risk.
Important but...
506
00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:39,760
Other Viking kings are available...
That bit.
507
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:41,760
...and might invade you anyway.
You don't pay,
508
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:43,640
we take everything away.
509
00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:45,720
{\an8}Danegeld Viking insurance.
510
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:48,760
{\an8}We're making a killing
by not making a killing.
511
00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:51,440
Didn't even get a free finger.
512
00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:57,040
Hmm. Almost as bad as
people taking your money
513
00:22:57,040 --> 00:22:59,280
is people faking your money.
514
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:01,480
Take this coin I found in the sewer.
515
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:04,480
One way to tell if it's real
is to bite it.
516
00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:07,440
SNIFFING
Oh, phew.
517
00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:09,560
Might give this one
the benefit of the doubt.
518
00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:13,080
Luckily, for every faker,
there's usually an investigator
519
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:15,040
and one of these, would you believe,
520
00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:18,520
was famous scientist
Sir Isaac Newton.
521
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:21,720
He was one of the greatest
mathematical minds ever
522
00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:24,840
and was also made
Warden of the Royal Mint,
523
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:28,040
tasked with the job of
sniffing out counterfeiters
524
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:30,680
who were making fake coins.
525
00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:36,400
Ah, Isaac Newton.
Welcome to the Royal Mint.
526
00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:39,120
Your desk is just... Oh,
I won't be needing a desk.
527
00:23:39,120 --> 00:23:41,840
You know, I was put on this Earth
to do two things -
528
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:44,200
explain gravity and fight crime.
529
00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:47,400
And I've already nailed gravity.
530
00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:51,680
Yes, well, we do have some problems
with people making fake coins.
531
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:54,440
Some problems? According to
my calculations, there are...
532
00:23:58,360 --> 00:24:00,560
...over 100 counterfeiters
at work right now
533
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:02,000
and I intend to find them all.
534
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,040
That's why I've made myself
a Justice of the Peace
535
00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:06,600
in all of the home counties.
Oh, there are other people who...
536
00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:09,480
I've also hired a crack team
of spies, informers and enforcers
537
00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:11,080
to infiltrate London crime gangs.
538
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:14,760
{\an8}Now, where do you keep your weapons?
HISSING: Where do you keep them?
539
00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:17,160
Weapons? Er, Isaac,
this is the Royal Mint.
540
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:19,360
We just make the coins look nice.
541
00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:22,680
Fine. I'm off to London's seediest
pub to talk to some criminals.
542
00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:25,640
CRASH
543
00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:30,000
Attention, assorted lowlifes
and vermin of London!
544
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:33,400
I'm renowned scientist
Isaac Newton and... Who?
545
00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:34,880
Isaac Newton, look it up.
546
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:38,880
And I'm looking for someone
with a pocketful of fake coins.
547
00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:40,600
You'll never get me, Newton!
548
00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:47,520
MAN GROANS, THUD
Now that's physics.
549
00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:51,800
Isaac, you've made
over two dozen arrests,
550
00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:54,240
very impressive,
but do you think perhaps it's time
551
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:57,000
to let the proper authorities
deal with this now? No.
552
00:24:57,000 --> 00:24:59,920
I still don't know who the kingpin
is. If I can't work that out,
553
00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:02,440
you might as well take my badge
and my weapon. Ooh.
554
00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:05,920
Where'd you get those? You really
shouldn't be carrying weapons.
555
00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:08,640
You know, you've been very keen
to hamper my investigation
556
00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:10,200
from the start.
HE SIGHS
557
00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:21,720
Mr Chaloner. It appears you've been
making fake money
558
00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:24,160
under everyone's noses all along.
559
00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:26,120
I knew you'd work it out in the end.
560
00:25:26,120 --> 00:25:29,880
No-one escapes the genius
that is Isaac Newton! Yes.
561
00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:33,240
And I'll spend my reward money
on ridiculously risky investments.
562
00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:38,800
Wow.
563
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:40,680
Maybe not a total genius, then.
564
00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:44,800
So, bling has been around,
565
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:48,080
collected, stolen, faked,
and even shot at
566
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:49,920
for thousands of years.
567
00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:52,680
But has anyone in all that time
568
00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:56,080
liked bling more than
the good old pi-RATS?
569
00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:57,120
Ah-ha-ha-ha!
570
00:25:57,120 --> 00:25:58,960
They were the absolute OGs
571
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:01,560
when it came to looting
some sweet, sweet bling.
572
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,960
But I'll let them tell you
all about it.
573
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:06,680
Farewell, me hearties!
574
00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:09,120
Arr...
RATTUS COUGHS
575
00:26:09,120 --> 00:26:10,960
Oof. Oh, throaty, that.
576
00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:13,920
MUSIC: IN THE STYLE OF SHOTGUN
BY GEORGE EZRA
577
00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:15,960
♪ Pirate operator
578
00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:17,400
♪ There's none greater
579
00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:19,280
♪ Blackbeard's my name
580
00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:21,800
♪ Stealing's my game!
581
00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:26,680
♪ It's no surprise I cause a scare
I keep lit tapers in my hair
582
00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:29,040
♪ Now take me to your loot. ♪
VOICE WOBBLES
583
00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:30,480
Ahem. Excuse me.
584
00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:34,040
♪ I don't need your silver and gold
585
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:38,000
♪ Cos they're far too heavy
in my hold
586
00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:42,400
♪ Give me cumin, nutmeg
and all of your wine
587
00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:45,960
♪ Anything I can sell will do fine
588
00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:50,440
♪ Look out cos here we come
Sailing in the hot sun
589
00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:53,600
♪ Flag has got a skull on - see?
590
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:58,600
♪ Here's what my advice is
Hand over your spices
591
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:00,920
♪ Or get cut into slices... ♪
592
00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:02,440
No, I'm serious.
593
00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:05,640
♪ Anne Bonny, Mary Read
594
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:07,480
♪ Equal opportunity
595
00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:10,920
♪ Gonna take your rum
Fetch a tidy sum
596
00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:17,160
♪ Secret sales to the colonies
If you want tea, it's me you see
597
00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:19,240
♪ But don't tell the governor
598
00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:24,280
♪ We may be bad
But in case of dispute
599
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:27,640
♪ Pirate's Code means you'll get
your fair loot
600
00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:32,280
♪ And when we're caught
we'll claim pregnancy
601
00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:36,120
♪ It's what's known
as pleading the belly
602
00:27:36,120 --> 00:27:40,520
♪ Sail the Caribbean
Underneath the hot sun
603
00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:42,680
♪ Ship with 36 guns
604
00:27:44,520 --> 00:27:48,880
♪ Stealing from everyone
Then sell it back to them
605
00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:51,000
♪ Spend it on having fun... ♪
606
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:52,720
Yeah!
607
00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:57,600
♪ We're a floating shop
Sell at every stop
608
00:27:57,600 --> 00:28:01,720
♪ Be it sugar or spice
All competitively priced, so...
609
00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:05,640
♪ A pirate's life
isn't quite what it seems
610
00:28:05,640 --> 00:28:09,080
♪ Some have even robbed ships
for the Queen
611
00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:14,200
♪ We'll scare you just enough
So you give us your stuff
612
00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:18,520
♪ Cos I'd rather keep
my cutlass clean. ♪
613
00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:20,280
But we will kill you if we have to.
614
00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:22,320
♪ On the ocean we roam
615
00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:27,000
♪ Under skull and crossbones
Galleon is our home... ♪
616
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:28,640
Ah-harr!
617
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:32,800
♪ Stealing is a pleasure
We don't bury treasure
618
00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:35,040
♪ Spend it at our leisure
619
00:28:36,360 --> 00:28:41,040
♪ Oh, living life on the run
Underneath the hot sun
620
00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:45,080
♪ Easier said than done
Yeah-yeah!
621
00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:49,240
♪ Cos there'll be retribution
We'll face prosecution
622
00:28:49,240 --> 00:28:52,800
♪ And then execution
Oh, yeah. ♪
623
00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:55,120
Forgot about that. Not ideal.
624
00:28:55,170 --> 00:28:59,720
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