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♪ Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
Woeful wars, ferocious fights
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00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:07,080
♪ Dingy castles, daring knights
3
00:00:07,080 --> 00:00:09,880
♪ Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
4
00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:11,280
♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
5
00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:13,960
♪ Punishment from ancient times
Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless
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00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:15,840
♪ Cavemen, savage, fearsome
toothless
7
00:00:15,840 --> 00:00:18,160
♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
Mean and measly Middle Ages
8
00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:20,720
♪ Gory stories, we do that
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00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:23,200
♪ And your host, a talking rat
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00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:26,280
♪ The past is no longer a mystery
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00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:31,200
♪ Welcome to Horrible Histories. ♪
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00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:34,560
Horrible Histories presents...
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00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:40,280
On the menu today,
Henry VIII enjoys a light snack...
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00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:41,360
BELCHING
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00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:44,360
..dessert is served
at 10,000 feet...
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00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:48,680
..and we enjoy a sumptuous sip
of Georgian tea.
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00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:55,840
But first, we're taking it
way back to the Stone Age
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00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:59,120
for mankind's earliest breakthrough
in home-grown cuisine.
19
00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:05,360
Well, after nothing but meat and
nuts and nettles for months on end,
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00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:08,320
this is a welcome change.
What do you call it?
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00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:09,920
Lentils. Mm, yeah.
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00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:12,440
And the genius thing is,
we can grow them ourselves.
23
00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:14,680
So we won't have to forage
for food any more.
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00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:17,120
{\an8}They sound perfect. Yes! Yes!
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00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:21,200
Yeah, almost. There's one issue,
it's hardly worth mentioning...
26
00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:22,520
SHE FARTS
27
00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:27,720
Yes, there's something
I can't quite put my finger on.
28
00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:28,840
SHE FARTS
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00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:31,040
I think I'm getting
to the bottom of it...
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00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:32,400
SHE FARTS
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00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:34,800
Still, a very useful source of...
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00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:36,840
SHE FARTS
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00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:38,280
..sustenance.
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00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:41,760
It could change the way we live.
Yeah, with a steady supply of food,
35
00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:43,800
we wouldn't need
to move around so much.
36
00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:45,920
We could stay in one place
and build houses!
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00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:47,080
THEY FART
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00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:49,320
Ones with lots of...windows. Yeah!
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00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:51,920
THEY FART
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00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:57,120
IN BAD FRENCH ACCENT: Bonjour, madame
et monsieur, it is I,
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00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,520
Monsieur Rattus, ready to lead you on
a culinary adventure
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00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:01,200
through all of history.
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00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:04,200
IN REGULAR SPEAKING VOICE: Hmm. I'll
be honest, I think I've bitten off
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00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:06,240
more than I can chew
with that French accent.
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But I am inviting you to dine on
a feast of snail sausages,
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00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:16,000
pan-fried crickets and
the house special, a BLTA.
47
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,600
That's a Better Leave That Alone.
48
00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:19,640
HE CHUCKLES
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00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:22,720
I think it's fair to say that
us rats don't have a reputation
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00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:25,320
for being fussy eaters,
but, you know,
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00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:30,000
some of history's biggest names
have had strange eating habits too.
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00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:34,320
Three historical strangers,
three dinner parties,
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00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:37,280
one love of food. Welcome to...
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00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:40,600
First up to host, it's
Roman Romeo, Mark Anthony.
55
00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:43,120
I'm just doing a traditional
Mark Anthony feast,
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00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:45,440
so preparing wild boar
eight different ways,
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00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:47,760
and it has been exhausting.
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00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:50,200
Not for me, obviously,
for the slaves.
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00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:51,640
I haven't done anything.
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00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:54,040
Let's have a little looky.
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00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:55,760
Let's hope he gives it top MARKS.
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00:02:57,440 --> 00:03:01,720
Mm. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Last
time I tasted something that good,
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00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:04,760
{\an8}I gave the chef a house. Oh,
really? Oh, that would be amazing.
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00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:07,680
I'm not going to do it now.
I can't keep doing that.
65
00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:09,960
Plus it needs more boar.
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00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:12,000
Of course, knew it
was missing something.
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00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:15,200
On with the feast and first guest
to arrive is iconic monarch
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00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:17,120
and lover of food, Queen Victoria!
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00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:19,080
Hi, come on in. Welcome.
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00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:22,240
And what do you do?
Fighting, mainly.
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00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:27,960
Very short skirt.
Yeah, well, it's practical.
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00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:32,680
He's terribly impressive.
Professionally-speaking, of course.
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00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:36,280
Next up, surrealist artist
and actual author a cookbook,
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00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:37,520
Salvador Dali.
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00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:39,720
Hope you don't mind me
bringing a lobster.
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00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,400
Here, have a cauliflower.
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00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:44,200
Not what I'd bring to a dinner
party, but each to their own.
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00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:46,560
With the guests seated
and the lobster having a nap,
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00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,480
it's time for the feasting to begin.
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00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:49,600
Let's eat!
81
00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:53,400
Actually, I've changed my mind,
let's not eat.
82
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,000
Or maybe not.
83
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:56,840
What is the meaning of this?
84
00:03:56,840 --> 00:04:00,200
Sorry, sometimes I change my mind
about wanting to eat.
85
00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:01,960
{\an8}And then change it back again.
86
00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,120
Let's eat!
87
00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:07,880
Remove the food! Let's not eat.
88
00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:10,720
It's present time.
89
00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:13,880
Guys, this is my wife, Cleopatra.
What have you got there?
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00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:15,920
It's Mark Anthony's birthday,
91
00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:19,040
and everyone gets presents
on his birthday.
92
00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:20,840
I love presents!
93
00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:23,520
Actually, it's kind of given me
an appetite. Let's eat!
94
00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:26,440
With mealtime over,
or possibly just beginning,
95
00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:28,160
it's time for the scores.
96
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:30,160
Yeah, I think it went pretty well.
97
00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:33,120
There wasn't very much
if you don't like wild boar,
98
00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:35,880
but I do love presents.
99
00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:38,080
So, seven out of ten.
100
00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:41,200
I mean, frankly, it was
a bit weird for me.
101
00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:43,920
I'll give it purple lemon
out of ten.
102
00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:47,000
I mean, give me the trophy now.
103
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:48,120
Ow!
104
00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:54,440
Weirdo left his pet lobster there.
105
00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:55,880
Wait for it...
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00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:57,720
Ow! There you go.
107
00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:00,200
That's going to leave
a mark... Anthony.
108
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:01,680
Let's hope Queen Victoria
fares better
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00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:03,360
when she has the boys
round for dinner
110
00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:05,960
in the next instalment
of Come Feast With Me.
111
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,480
It's so sore!
112
00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:14,200
Hello! I'm Queen Elizabeth I, and
I love sweets and sugars so much
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00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:18,960
that I had all sorts of things
made out of it, even the plates!
114
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,640
Ow! Ow! Ow!
115
00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:23,760
Normal plate. There's a couple
of teeth I'm not getting back.
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00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:25,920
My question for you is,
which of these
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00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:28,120
did I also have
the cooks make for me
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00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,960
in order to satisfy
my sugary cravings?
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00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,040
Was it...
120
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:42,920
The answer was A.
121
00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:45,000
And B. And C.
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00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:47,760
What can I say,
I've a very sweet tooth.
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00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:51,760
Still a real plate.
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00:05:57,280 --> 00:06:01,440
Your Majesty, you are aware
of customs relating to feasting
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00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:03,520
on a Friday, are you not?
126
00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:07,680
Oh, yes. Absolutely
no meat on a Friday,
127
00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:10,720
{\an8}just fish. Rules are rules.
128
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:16,440
Your Majesty, you're eating a bird.
129
00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:20,840
No, no, no, no.
This is a barnacle goose.
130
00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:25,400
Yes, a goose. Yeah, but it's got
the word barnacle in the name,
131
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:29,480
and barnacles are those little
volcano things that live in the sea,
132
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:32,640
along with, you guessed it, fish.
133
00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:34,480
You can't just eat it
because it's got
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00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:36,240
barnacle in the name, Your Majesty.
135
00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:39,920
It's clearly meat.
Please back me up, Bishop.
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00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:44,280
The eating of meat on a Friday
is against God's law.
137
00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:49,800
But the barnacle goose
has the word barnacle in it,
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00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:52,120
so it's clearly a fish.
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00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:55,960
Bish knows fish. Mm, lovely meal,
Your Majesty.
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00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,600
Wait, no, uh...
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00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:00,040
You can't eat that either.
142
00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:01,720
That's beaver tail.
143
00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:03,880
{\an8}Well, where do beavers live?
144
00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:05,720
Not in the sea, for a start.
145
00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:08,000
No, but they live by the water.
146
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:11,360
Sometimes their
delicious little tails, um...
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00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:14,920
Hang down into the water,
therefore...
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00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:16,520
BOTH: Fish.
149
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,920
Fish dish, Bish? Don't mind if I do.
150
00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:21,560
That's swan! Fish. Fish!
151
00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:24,960
Your Majesty,
nothing on this table is fish.
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00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:28,760
Seal, porpoise, whale, puffin!
153
00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:31,160
Fishy, fish, fish, fish.
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00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:33,800
{\an8}Swim, swim, swim, swim.
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00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:36,040
Fish!
156
00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:39,000
Meat cannot be cooked
and served on a Friday.
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00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:43,120
Tell, me, milady, is there
a custom against noblewomen
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00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:45,880
being cooked and served on a Friday?
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00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:50,840
Delish fish, Bish.
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00:07:56,480 --> 00:08:00,400
Beaver tails, eh? I might have
to consider them for my menu.
161
00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:03,360
Although, of course, I need to cater
for vegetarians, too,
162
00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:07,280
and I'm not sure my probably-cheese
pies are going to cut it.
163
00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:10,400
I can guarantee there
isn't any meat in those,
164
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:13,040
but I don't think there's any cheese
in them either.
165
00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:17,720
Hm. Maybe I can take inspiration
from the original veggie cook book,
166
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:21,040
dating all the way back to 1691.
167
00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:23,440
Hi, I'm Thomas Tryon,
168
00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:26,880
and I'm here to share
my delicious meat-free diet
169
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:29,640
in this first-ever
vegetarian cookbook!
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00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:33,600
A range of simple recipes
I've called Wisdoms Dictates,
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00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:36,320
Or Aphorisms And Rules,
Physical, Moral & Divine,
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00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:39,120
For Preserving The Health Of The
Body And The Peace Of The Mind,
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00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:41,760
Fit To Be Regarded In Practice By
All That Would Enjoy The Blessings
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00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:43,080
Of The Present And Future World
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00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:45,600
To Which Is Added A Bill Of Fare
Of 75 Noble Dishes
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00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:47,760
Of Excellent Food Far-Exceeding
Those Made Of Fish Or Flesh
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00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:50,480
Which I Present To The Sons
Of Wisdom Or Such Shall Decline
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00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:53,040
{\an8}That Depraved Custom
Of Eating Flesh And Blood!
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00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:56,280
{\an8}Snazzy title, huh?!
Yes, that's an incredible range
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00:08:56,280 --> 00:09:00,440
of 75 completely and utterly unique
meat-free dishes
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00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:01,880
for you to try at home.
182
00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:03,320
{\an8}There's bread and eggs!
183
00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:14,240
{\an8}Egg broken into a pint of ale.
184
00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:21,200
So many choices,
all totally different,
185
00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:23,720
but don't just take my word for it.
186
00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:27,040
Hi, I'm the American Revolution's
Benjamin Franklin,
187
00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:31,760
and I used Mr Tryon's book
to try on being a vegetarian.
188
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,560
But it didn't have
enough fish in it.
189
00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:39,480
And with all that egg and bread,
he didn't poo for several days! Ssh!
190
00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:41,800
What a glowing endorsement
if ever there was one!
191
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:44,360
Buy my book!
There's something for everyone!
192
00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:46,080
As long as they like bread and eggs.
193
00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:51,240
Welcome back to Come Feast With Me.
It's Queen Victoria's turn
194
00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:54,480
to host, and naturally Dali's
turned up in a diving suit.
195
00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:57,280
{\an8}At least he's left
his pet ocelot outside.
196
00:09:57,280 --> 00:09:59,200
{\an8}GROWLING
Let's hope it's been fed.
197
00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:04,120
Our main course has been cooked
by my personal Indian chefs,
198
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:10,800
and for entree, an anti-fart bread,
because, while delicious,
199
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:14,560
I do find the food can create
rather a build-up of gas.
200
00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:15,640
DALI'S STOMACH RUMBLES
201
00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:18,640
{\an8}Oh, good timing,
but the little door is stuck!
202
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:21,120
I can't eat the anti-farty bread!
I...
203
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:22,680
HE FARTS
204
00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:23,720
Too late.
205
00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:28,840
Oh, well. Um, let's eat.
206
00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:30,040
Yeah.
207
00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:33,960
Wait. No-one eats
until the queen eats.
208
00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:43,200
In she goes. Oh, she's got it.
209
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:44,560
Is she gon... Ah!
210
00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:46,000
Ah!
211
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:49,760
Are you going to keep doing that?
Yeah. Oh.
212
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,320
This could take a while...
213
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:53,000
Hmm, oh, ooh!
214
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,280
Honestly, she's weirder
than the guy with the ocelot.
215
00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:58,120
V out of X.
216
00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:01,120
Where is that ocelot?
217
00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:07,920
Out of ten, I give her a fish,
a bicycle,
218
00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:10,240
and a sense of foreboding.
219
00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:12,880
Clear as a bell, Salvador,
you're hosting next!
220
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:14,320
Good luck, everyone.
221
00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:19,840
There'll be no anti-fart breads
on my menu, I tell you that much.
222
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:24,280
Letting rip is all part of the fun.
It adds a sense of danger
223
00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:29,520
to a meal out, and even in history's
most genuinely dangerous situations,
224
00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:32,120
like the First and
Second World Wars,
225
00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:35,080
people's thoughts
have still turned to food.
226
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:45,560
Gentlemen, thank you for joining me
to discuss ze impending aerial raid
227
00:11:45,560 --> 00:11:47,080
on our British enemies.
228
00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:51,560
We will be unleashing
22 P Class Zeppelin airships
229
00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:55,520
on the unsuspecting Brits.
Death shall reign from above
230
00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:57,640
und victory shall be ours!
231
00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:59,080
THEY CHEER
232
00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:02,840
One small thing,
to help build ze airships,
233
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:07,320
we will have to ban ze production
und eating of sausages.
234
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:10,920
Now, targets. We shall begin by...
235
00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:12,600
Yes, Ludendorff?
236
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:15,240
Ja. Um, sorry.
237
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:19,400
Why are the sausages being banned?
Cos we require the sausage skins
238
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:23,920
to make ze hydrogen bags which
will keep ze Zeppelin airborne.
239
00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:27,320
{\an8}Now, we shall strike
Great Yarmouth first.
240
00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:28,840
Yes, Commander Strauss?
241
00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:32,000
Do you not sink zis plan
is a little extreme?
242
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:34,720
It is true, there will be
many civilian casualties,
243
00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:38,120
but we believe zat deploying zese
airships is absolutely necessary.
244
00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:40,760
I was talking about ze sausages.
245
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,160
I beg your pardon.
Banning zem entirely.
246
00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:47,840
Could we not ration them? I'm
afraid not. The guts of 250,000 cows
247
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:49,920
are required to make
a single Zeppelin.
248
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:53,720
Have we considered
an alternative approach?
249
00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:57,600
Vell, we did consider landing
ze troops on ze beaches...
250
00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:00,160
No, no, no. To ze sausages?
251
00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:03,000
Perhaps we could make ze Zeppelins
from something less delicious,
252
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:05,560
like carrots or broccoli.
253
00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:09,080
No! It must be sausages.
Zese airships are vital
254
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:12,520
for the war effort. It is
the Zeppelin that will break
255
00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:14,040
the British morale!
256
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:17,160
I think you should consider
what banning sausages will do
257
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:18,640
to the German morale.
258
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:21,640
A world without sausages
isn't a world worth fighting for.
259
00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:24,720
Right! That's it, I don't want to
hear any more about sausages.
260
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,400
Now get out, all of you!
261
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:32,200
Wait.
262
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:33,840
Hand zem over.
263
00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:42,720
Unbelievable. Auf Wiedersehen,
my delicious friend.
264
00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:47,560
Zis plan is the absolute wurst!
265
00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:58,040
Huh, who's there?!
266
00:13:58,040 --> 00:13:59,160
Don't shoot.
267
00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:03,680
What are you doing
out in no-man's land?
268
00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:05,920
I thought I could hear
the British moving towards us,
269
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:08,680
so I went to look. All I found
was this. What is it?
270
00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:11,080
A grenade? No. It's a tin can.
271
00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:13,680
It's what they keep their food in.
Curse them!
272
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:16,000
They're in our country and
they're eating better than us.
273
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:19,080
I don't know about that. I heard
it was just a mush of turnips,
274
00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:20,840
beans and animal fat.
275
00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:23,520
Wait, wouldn't waiting a lot of that
sort of thing make someone...
276
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:24,880
FARTING IN DISTANCE
What was that?!
277
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:26,160
Well, it wasn't me.
278
00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:29,360
FARTING
279
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:31,560
Did you hear that?
They heard that in Gallipoli!
280
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:33,040
And smelled it too!
281
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:37,080
Cork it, Simpson. They'll hear us!
282
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:40,360
I can't help it, Sarge,
it's these Maconochie cans of food
283
00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:42,200
we've been eating.
They're very , uh...
284
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:43,320
LOUD FART
285
00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:44,480
..dry.
286
00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:45,920
Well, keep it down!
287
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,600
It's the British, they're out there,
sneaking up on us!
288
00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:53,000
I wouldn't call it sneaking...
289
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:57,440
Sorry! For goodness' sake,
Perkins, clench!
290
00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:59,040
You're giving away our position!
291
00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:02,160
Right, OK, that was me.
I'll take that one.
292
00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:06,200
Cor, I'm glad these uniforms
are brown.
293
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,040
{\an8}There's an Ottoman outpost
just up ahead.
294
00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:11,160
Are we in position?
Sounds like they're going to attack.
295
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,000
Smells like it too.
296
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,680
On my whistle.
PEEP!
297
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:16,720
But that wasn't it!
I think we should retreat.
298
00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:20,120
Because there are too many of them?
No, I just can't stand the smell.
299
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:23,520
MULTIPLE FARTS
300
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:28,760
They've gone.
Looks like they left in a...
301
00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:30,280
LONG FART
302
00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:33,400
..hurry. I'll light a lantern
and see if they have any fresh food.
303
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:34,520
No, don't light a...!
304
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:39,320
When their nation called...
305
00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:42,160
..they answer.
306
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:48,120
Here she is, the Flying Fortress.
307
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:51,440
We'll be taking her up to
10,000 feet on a bombing raid
308
00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:53,000
over Nazi enemy lines.
309
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:54,440
You know what that means?
310
00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:56,040
Ice cream.
311
00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:57,200
Huh?
312
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:01,640
Why are we taking a cannister
of liquid cream?
313
00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:02,800
It might be liquid now,
314
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:05,360
but if we anchor it to
the rear gunner compartment
315
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:07,880
and then fly at high altitude,
what'll happen?
316
00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:09,240
It'll get shaken up.
317
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:11,360
And freeze, becoming...
318
00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:12,600
Ice cream!
319
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,320
Yes, siree bob.
320
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:20,200
I'm scared.
We got no choice, Mickey.
321
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:21,960
We're nearly out of tutti frutti.
322
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:29,280
What's our situation?
They're turning nicely,
323
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,800
but we need to go higher
so it freezes.
324
00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:35,920
Mickey! Mickey. No!
325
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:39,760
No! Don't worry, man.
326
00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:43,160
This is raspberry sauce.
327
00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:47,720
It goes a beauty on my tutti frutti.
328
00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:59,080
Emergency landing,
prepare the fire engine!
329
00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:01,080
CRASH!
330
00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:06,320
And the wafers.
331
00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:08,840
Yeah! Woo!
332
00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:10,320
Woo!
333
00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:14,880
Gentlemen,
we've got another mission.
334
00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:18,880
ALL: Rocky road flavour!
335
00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:23,600
This is...
336
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:30,040
It isn't just during wartime
that food and drink
337
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:31,520
can be dangerous.
338
00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:35,040
Of course, sometimes
even just preparing food
339
00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:37,640
can be a deathly serious business.
340
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:41,680
We monks often make food and drink,
both for ourselves
341
00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:47,000
and to sell, but sometimes the work
comes with unexpected consequences.
342
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:49,720
That's why I stick to bell ringing.
343
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:52,040
It's much safer.
344
00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:53,760
BELLS RING
Wah!
345
00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:00,840
Brethren, I have some bad news.
346
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:03,360
We have a wine order from England.
347
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:07,320
They want the stuff
from cellar number four.
348
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:12,520
The wine in cellar four has gone off
and when it goes off, it goes off!
349
00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:14,960
{\an8}Poof! That is the wine
the English want.
350
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:17,680
I don't know why,
it's gone all fizzy.
351
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,760
But the glass in our bottles
is too thin to hold it.
352
00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:25,640
One false move and we will have
a champagne supernova in the cellar.
353
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:28,320
What can I say? The English
have no taste.
354
00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:30,160
I need a volunteer.
355
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:41,720
I'll do it. Oh, I was
going to say I'd do it.
356
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:45,640
Someone has to,
and it's not like I have children.
357
00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:48,080
None of us have children, Pierre,
we're monks.
358
00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:50,480
That's what we say
if anybody asks, huh?
359
00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:55,120
I will pray for you, Pierre,
from a safe distance.
360
00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:28,520
HE MOUTHS A PRAYER
361
00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:33,680
Oh. Huh?
362
00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:35,000
Whoops... Oh!
363
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,040
GLASS SMASHES
364
00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:45,840
Forgive me. Yeah.
This is actually quite delicious.
365
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:50,720
We have a selection
of refreshing drinks available
366
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:52,080
at the Rattus Brasserie,
367
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:58,200
including champagne, sumptuous
sewer water and, of course, tea.
368
00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:01,240
Us Brits enjoy an average
of 100 million mugs
369
00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:04,040
of hot loveliness every day!
370
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:07,160
I like mine with just a dash of milk
and 25 sugar cubes,
371
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:09,600
which might explain
why I've got no teeth.
372
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:11,760
Ha-ha!
373
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:14,080
Tea wasn't always so popular,
though,
374
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:17,200
as it was originally very expensive
375
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:21,720
and, in the past, it also looked
and tasted a whole lot different.
376
00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:27,080
Hi, brew fans, it's me, Georgiana,
and we are really, really lucky
377
00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:30,000
to have with us today
Lilly from Lilly Loves Food,
378
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:33,440
which is the second most popular
Georgian food channel.
379
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:36,400
Hi, guys! What a cute little show
you've got here.
380
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,680
I can't understand
why you don't get more likes!
381
00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:41,520
Me neither, actually!
382
00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:43,440
It is so good of you to visit.
383
00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:46,040
In fact, I have made you
a lovely cup of tea.
384
00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:49,840
Gosh, I love tea. So exotic!
385
00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:53,240
We all know that tea can be
really, really expensive.
386
00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:55,880
In fact, some people
can't even afford it.
387
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:58,400
Can they, Lilly?
MEOWING
388
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:02,160
So, you know how they use, like,
ground-up bones in bread
389
00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:04,200
or clay in sweets
to make them go further?
390
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:07,120
Well, these guys have basically
done the same thing with tea.
391
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:11,320
This is Annie's Back-Alley Tea
and it's kind of a bit like, um,
392
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:13,520
a tea mashup. A mashup!
393
00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:16,040
I do this thing on my channel...
Yeah, we all know.
394
00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:18,680
We know what you do.
We know what you do.
395
00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:21,840
So, it's made from tea leaves that
have been used and then dried out
396
00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:25,640
and then used again at least three
times before just being mixed up
397
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:27,400
with whatever other random leaves
398
00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:29,320
they find lying around
on the ground.
399
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:33,520
{\an8}I actually love that gritty texture.
That will probably be the brick dust
400
00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:35,400
they use to give it the colour.
401
00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:39,400
{\an8}Plus, there is a secret ingredient.
402
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:41,920
The tea company have written it down
on this sealed scroll
403
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:44,840
and we are allowed to reveal it
to you guys today!
404
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:47,800
I don't even know what it is! OMTea!
405
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:49,680
Exclusive! I know!
406
00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:55,720
You must try some too, and why not
add some of this new divine milk?
407
00:21:55,720 --> 00:22:00,120
Oh, milk is so white! I'm
not surprised, it's got chalk in.
408
00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:03,880
Ah. I've brought some sugar. Good!
409
00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:06,920
How many would you like?
Just one is fine. Just one!
410
00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:10,520
Drink it. Mm.
411
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:14,320
And this sugar won't rot your teeth
because it's mostly sand.
412
00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:17,400
Gritty!
413
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:18,840
Great.
414
00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:23,040
Well, it has been so lovely
to have you on my show,
415
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:25,680
and thank you also
to Annie's Back-Alley Tea
416
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:26,840
for giving us both...
417
00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:29,560
..a year's supply!
418
00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:32,440
Oh, wow, thanks! I know!
419
00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:36,320
So, I guess all that remains
is for us to raise a cup
420
00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:39,760
and reveal Annie's
secret ingredient.
421
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:42,120
Cheers! Cheers.
422
00:22:42,120 --> 00:22:43,640
BAA!
423
00:22:46,120 --> 00:22:47,960
Don't forget to subscribe.
424
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:51,200
{\an8}Sardine flappers.
425
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:53,240
Dolphin bricks.
426
00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:55,480
Tuna tasties.
427
00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:58,000
Oh, hi there.
428
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:00,760
We're trying to come up with a name
for our new invention,
429
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:03,120
battered bits of fish in a stick.
430
00:23:03,120 --> 00:23:04,440
What do you think?
431
00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:07,320
Funny.
432
00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:10,440
When you hold them up like that they
almost look like fingers of fish.
433
00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:11,720
Oh!
434
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:13,680
Fish fingers! Brilliant.
435
00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:14,760
Man, I'm good.
436
00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:18,040
That's what we'll call them.
But tell me, which of these names
437
00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:19,960
did we genuinely nearly go with?
438
00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:31,040
The answer is A, Herring Savouries.
439
00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:34,920
Well, all this talk of fish
has made me hungry.
440
00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:37,000
I might have another
block o' haddock.
441
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,920
Oh, no, that's not right.
What did I say?
442
00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:42,320
What was I going to call them?
Tuna tangs?
443
00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:43,960
Pilchard nuggets?
444
00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:46,240
Pike scratchings?!
445
00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:47,920
No!
446
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:53,520
It's the final day on
Come Feast With Me
447
00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:56,080
and Victoria and Mark Anthony
have come to Salvador's house
448
00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:59,040
for dinner. I'm sure
this won't be weird at all.
449
00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:02,040
I'm a little surprised.
I mean, it's, uh, colourful.
450
00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:04,240
Looks a little odd
but it does look edible.
451
00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:07,280
Don't touch it! How can we
eat it if we don't touch it?
452
00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:10,480
You can't eat it,
it's a work of art!
453
00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:13,280
Creme brulee, bring out the pudding!
454
00:24:13,280 --> 00:24:17,720
So, for dessert, thousand-year-old
eggs, frog pasties,
455
00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:20,280
and toffee with pine cone.
456
00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:22,400
{\an8}Actually,
maybe leave it where it is.
457
00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:25,080
Look, I'm as much of
a pudding guy as the next man,
458
00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:27,120
but I wouldn't feed that
to my slaves.
459
00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:28,640
It was butus.
460
00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:31,440
Two words - nailed it.
461
00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:34,440
But has he? Time to find out
the name of the winner!
462
00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:35,520
OK.
463
00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:39,040
In last place, it is...
464
00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:43,480
..Salvador. Ah! Gherkin pennies!
465
00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:45,840
I'm actually gutted.
466
00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:47,920
In second place...
467
00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:53,880
..we've got Queen Vic
with the fart breads.
468
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:55,120
SHE FARTS
469
00:24:55,120 --> 00:24:57,320
Really should have brought some
with me. Sorry.
470
00:24:57,320 --> 00:24:59,200
And, uh...
471
00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:01,240
Yeah, the winner is me!
472
00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:05,440
Uh, forward slash my slaves,
because I didn't do any of the work.
473
00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:07,600
Still going to keep the money,
though.
474
00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:10,400
Well, it's been a fun week
on Come Feast With Me,
475
00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:13,040
and everyone promises
to stay in touch.
476
00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:15,400
Just not with each other. Bye!
477
00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:20,760
Well, there you have it,
the end of our foodie adventure,
478
00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:25,720
and now the best bit, for
dessert, the leftovers in the bin!
479
00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:27,920
Don't mind if I do!
480
00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:35,600
HE MUMBLES
481
00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:37,480
Sorry, where are my manners?!
482
00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:41,600
Well, I haven't got any, but in the
Medieval Age, they had whole books
483
00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:45,120
dedicated to manners and
the strict rules you should obey
484
00:25:45,120 --> 00:25:47,160
when eating and drinking.
485
00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:48,560
Thanks for watching.
486
00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:59,360
♪ Sitting down to my dinner,
making myself crazy
487
00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:02,760
♪ Out of my mind, out of my mind
488
00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:07,440
♪ Worried that I'll once again
sneeze into the gravy
489
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:11,240
♪ Too many times, too many times
490
00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:13,600
♪ That I...
491
00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:16,560
♪ I've got books of manners
on the shelf
492
00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:21,800
♪ So I...
493
00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:25,080
♪ I have special rules
that I can teach myself
494
00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:27,560
♪ Teach myself
495
00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:29,920
♪ One, don't pick up a bone
496
00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:32,320
♪ Unless it turns out
that you're eating alone
497
00:26:32,320 --> 00:26:36,320
♪ Two, take my advice,
try not to scratch your head lice
498
00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:38,280
♪ Three, please avoid farts
499
00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:40,640
♪ We don't want to hear blasts
from your hind parts
500
00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:42,760
♪ And if you scratch your ear
501
00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:44,840
{\an8}# You won't get invited here
502
00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:46,840
♪ I got food rules, I count 'em
503
00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:50,960
♪ Medieval rules, I count 'em
504
00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:54,960
♪ I've got the books to teach myself
505
00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:59,800
♪ Got to wash my hands each night
when I sit at the table
506
00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:02,920
♪ I never slouch, I never slouch
507
00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:07,960
♪ Got a special spoon and knife
I use whenever able
508
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:11,160
♪ Kept in a pouch, a special pouch
509
00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:16,360
♪ But I, I've got books of manners
on the shelf
510
00:27:16,360 --> 00:27:19,160
♪ So I can teach myself
511
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:21,880
♪ One, don't dip bread in wine
512
00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:23,920
♪ If you're feeling ill
just pretend that you're fine
513
00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:27,920
♪ Two, don't eat too much
or too little, aim just for enough
514
00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:30,000
♪ Three, don't pick your teeth
515
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:32,400
♪ And always say grace
just to show you believe
516
00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:34,080
♪ Sit up nice and straight
517
00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:36,520
♪ Don't stare
at your neighbour's plate
518
00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:38,400
♪ I got food rules, I count 'em
519
00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:42,520
♪ Medieval rules, I could 'em
520
00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:46,640
♪ I've got the books to teach myself
521
00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:50,760
♪ Got to read these books
so I can be so prim and proper
522
00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:55,200
♪ But each time the food comes out
I always come a cropper
523
00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:58,960
♪ One, don't be weird, make sure
not to have any food in your beard
524
00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:00,840
♪ Two, stuff you don't eat
525
00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:03,200
♪ Chuck it on the floor
Throw it right by your feet
526
00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:05,000
♪ Three, if you eat too much
527
00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:07,240
♪ Just sneak off
and undo your belt a touch
528
00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:11,800
♪ And if you have to spit
aim it away from where you sit. ♪
529
00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:15,640
{\an8}I said away! It went right
in my soup!
530
00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:24,840
Ah, c'mon,
at least secure the leeks.
531
00:28:30,360 --> 00:28:33,400
♪ The past is no longer a mystery
532
00:28:33,400 --> 00:28:38,200
♪ Hope you enjoyed
Horrible Histories. ♪
533
00:28:38,250 --> 00:28:42,800
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