Original subtitles

Hey, everybody.

Welcome to the third Funny Women of a Certain Age Special.

A lot of people have been asking,

"How come it took so long

between the second and the third special?

Was it the pandemic?" No!

It took forever to find five women in Los Angeles who would

admit to being over 50.

Carole.

You did not tell me I had to admit my age.

Suddenly you've ripped out the rug of mother identity.

Now who the fuck am I?

You really do get forced to reinvent yourself,

I think, or die.

Here's the deal, you know, you've, you, you are....

Old.

One of the things I love about getting older

is that I have really learned how to say the word, "No."

Like, do I want to do that gig for no money? No.

And they lie to us and tell us,

"Well, if you lose 12 pounds, you'll feel young."

No, you won't, you'll just be a lighter old broad.

What do you think about aging in this business?

It's better than death.

When I started stand up,

I was talking to my mom one day on the phone.

I said, "How come you never came to see?

Daddy and you never came to see me at the beginning?"

And she says, "Your father thought you were going to bomb."

We're doing number three. Yeah!

Okay, before I start, I just have to...

I'm 63 years old, I still have to use a fucking condom.

How great is this looking at all you beautiful people?

Look, we're not social distancing anymore. Yes!

Just one thing. One thing about social distancing.

This is for the ladies.

Did you notice that men never

really got the hang of social distancing?

Do you agree with me? Right?

Not before. Not during. Certainly not afterwards.

I, I think it's because they never figured out six inches.

How the hell are they figuring out six feet?

Ah, that was a dick joke, if you're keeping score.

And it's, it's, it's such a weird time

because people don't know how to act in public anymore.

Right?

'Cause I don't know about out here,

but like I'm from New York, right,

so in New York, in April, they,

this is what they said, "Lockdown's over."

And that was it. They didn't say anything else.

And nobody knew what was happening.

So it was like when Dorothy lands in the Wizard of Oz

and the Munchkins pop out.

"Can we drink now?

Can we fuck? What can we do?"

Because most of you did the same things I did, right?

You spent the most of 2020 in your underwear.

Don't fucking lie to me, people.

I decided, okay, right,

we're free now, the stores are open,

I'm going to go get some new clothes.

Ladies.

Did you see what the designers thought we wanted to wear?

You know what I'm talking about? Who said it? Right?

The Prairie dresses!

The men have no idea what we're

fucking talking about right now, okay?

That would be if they gave you, like you, sir,

like, if you wore a jockstrap with a fucking bow,

that's what that would mean.

Okay? You understand?

Look at him. I like that. Okay.

So anyway...

So for the people who don't know,

it's a potato sack

with ruffles...

and a turtleneck.

How much weight did they think

we fucking gained during the pandemic?

And just because we bake bread during it,

doesn't mean we want to look like a fucking pioneer woman.

All right?

What are they going to come up with next? Right?

Like what are they going to come up with for the next thing?

Right? Like Chanel

for the Amish in you.

I'm hoping to get a Chanel bag from this.

I'm just hoping that I mentioned it

and they will send me one.

Okay, so...

I was one of the first people to be vaccinated

because I am 63 years old, and I'm a senior citizen.

This is the only time in history

where old people were treated well.

Yeah, now we can go back

to being invisible and overqualified.

And I still don't get why they chose,

why did they make the seniors,

why did they give it to us first?

I think I figured it out.

I think somebody in charge was like...

"Well, if the vaccine doesn't work...

...they had a good run."

So I talk about my age, you know, a lot in my act,

because until like I said, I'm 63 years old.

And until you're older you don't realize

that ageism really does exist.

And the older women know what I'm talking about.

Right? Right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Because honestly, if I had to choose right now

between ageism or sexism, I would take a pat on the ass

because it meant somebody fucking noticed me.

Right?

Now when I was a young girl

and I used to walk by a construction site,

I would hate it. Don't you hate that?

It used to offend me so much.

What I would give for a fucking whistle right now.

I can walk past a construction site right now, naked.

You know what I'm going to hear?

"Uh, lady, your nipples are getting bloody

from scraping on the sidewalk."

But it's, you know,

people think ageism is a female thing and it's not it.

I mean, it's all genders, it's all industries.

Like you, young man.

My, my little bow guy. How old are you?

51 years old.

Now you will not experience ageism

until you're in your 70s.

Women, 15.

You know what the only industry that doesn't have ageism?

Porn.

I know you're all looking at me like,

"Why does the old leech know this?"

Okay, let me explain.

I have a good friend of mine.

She's a young lady. She's a porn star.

And we were having dinner one night.

And I said to her, "When do you retire?

Do you have a retirement age?"

And she says to me, "Carole, you're 63.

You could do porn. There's a kink for everyone."

Still not sure if that was a compliment or an insult, people.

I have to be honest.

But then I got excited.

I could do porn. I could do porn!

I finally have that fallback career

my parents always wanted me to have.

But then I was thinking like,

what, what, what, what, what genre would I do?

You know? 'Cause there's different genres in porn.

Did you know that? Yeah, yeah.

Like, do they have like a Marvel Universe?

They have Iron Man. I could be Iron Supplement.

So my girlfriend tells me a list

of all the different genres.

I have to be honest.

The only one that stood out and this is a real thing,

was a thing called humiliation porn.

Swear to God, this is a real thing, right?

You know what I love, I love doing this bit.

'Cause I love looking at the men and they're like,

"I don't even know what porn is."

Okay. So this is a real thing.

It's when a woman

screams at a man

for 90 minutes until he comes.

Now most of you don't know me very well,

but this is the perfect genre for me.

I get to yell at somebody.

I don't have to get naked.

And I get paid? Sign me the fuck up!

I can't wait for the first day on the set.

"Action!"

"You call that a dick?"

Wow. That was really fast.

I think we have 88 more minutes.

What are we going to do? You want to play cards?

I don't know what we're gonna do.

So then my girlfriend says to me, she says,

"Carole, maybe not do hardcore right away.

Try something else. Maybe an OnlyFans site."

You know that OnlyFans, right?

Once again, the men.

So you pay monthly, you pay monthly for private content.

And I thought this is a great way to do it from home, right?

Because I don't really want to have to compete with like

young women with their perky tits,

because these are not perky tits,

these are, these are droopy tits.

And whether or not you're wondering

if there was a market for droopy tits...

remember, there's a kink for everyone.

So this is what my OnlyFans is.

Okay.

I take these tits, right,

and I try to squeeze them into a training bra.

In slow motion.

Ready? Okay, here it is.

I got you hard right now, didn't I?

That one was free. You pay next month.

So now I have to tell my son what I'm doing.

I have a grown son.

So I call my son up and I say,

"Honey, I just want you to know,

Mom has an OnlyFans site."

And he goes, "I know, my friends told me about it.

They would like an autographed training bra."

So now I have merch.

And I think I speak for all of you

this past year and everything.

The worst part of lockdown for me was not seeing my son

and not seeing our families.

Do you agree with me on this?

Yes. Yeah.

And I didn't see my son for like three--

Those first three months in New York City,

I did not see him, okay?

So finally, after three months I call him up and I'm like,

"Honey, I have to come see you.

I'm going to rent a car

and I'm going to bring you supplies."

By the way, I live in Manhattan. He lives in Brooklyn.

It's not that fucking far, okay? 'Cause you know, all right.

I said, "The only thing is, Dave,

is that I'm going to have to use your bathroom.

I'm going to go have to pee because I'm an old woman."

I, you know, because you know, I'm an old woman, okay?

I pee all-- I'm peeing right now.

Don't fucking look! Stop looking!

My son says to me, "Mom, we're,

my roommates and I, we're in a quarantine bubble.

You will not be able to use my bathroom."

What? Exactly.

I was like, "Whoa, okay, so let me get this straight.

I, I carried you for nine months.

You peed in me.

And I can't use your...? All right."

I didn't go. I was so mad at him, right?

So over the summer restrictions were a little bit lifted.

He calls me because, "Mom, I spoke to my roommates.

Please come visit. Please bring supplies.

You can use my bathroom."

So I went and I got the car.

And when I got up to his apartment,

I peed right on his fucking kitchen floor.

And then I filmed it for my OnlyFans site.

Thank you so much. You've been great.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I never thought of myself as a female comic.

I just thought of myself as a comic.

I don't think you had to deal with a lot of the bullshit.

I think everyone just,

she came out of the fucking gate respected.

So what, why do you think that is?

My jokes?

Wow, thank you.

Somebody just hugged me so hard backstage,

I can skip my next mammogram.

They also said I was dressed like a realtor.

I don't know.

I don't have a lot of clothes,

but I have two sets of everything

because my weight fluctuates.

So like I have a little black dress with spaghetti straps

and then a larger black dress with lasagna straps.

It smells good in here. Can you smell my perfume?

It's channel five.

I got it at the dollar store.

So during the pandemic

I developed something called Amazon-nesia.

And that's when you get a box and you're like,

"What did I order?"

And then I'm like, "I don't remember ordering that."

Evidently one night I bought six coffee table books

about minimalism.

I'm already minimal, I don't even have a coffee table.

But I'm minimal because somebody gave me a book,

people give me books,

called "The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up."

My housekeeper gave it to me.

Basically it says, get rid of everything in your house

that doesn't bring you joy.

So, I immediately got rid of the book.

But then it made sense.

'Cause you know what you like.

And it was just about being honest with myself

about what I liked.

So I got rid of so much stuff, of my husband's.

Comic books, baseball cards, you know, junk.

I kept all my books though.

My mom gave me a book called,

oh, it's fiction...

"The Joy of Cooking."

I am not a good cook.

Even my dogs are like, "We'll eat out tonight."

My food has a before taste.

So um...

I didn't know how that one was gonna go.

Someone gave me a book called

"The Power of Silence."

My husband gave it to me.

My husband is the funniest human.

He sexted me recently, you know,

sent me a picture to turn me on, you know?

It was a picture of him emptying the dishwasher.

Oh, I see some of my friends!

At my age, that's what it's all about, right?

Being able to see.

No, but I've always,

growing up I had these thick Coke bottle glasses,

but they were the knockoff kinds.

They were RC Cola.

Now everything outside of my car is in my blind spot.

And even my hindsight isn't 2020.

But at this point, I can see what's important.

Cash.

No, friends. Friends and family.

And spending cash...

...time with them, I meant.

And health is important.

Health is, you know, if you have your health, right?

I have to go to my doctor soon.

'Cause I've been feeling attracted to him.

I'm married, but before I was married, I dated a doctor.

He was one of those doctors without boundaries.

Health, health, eating healthier.

I've been eating healthier.

I have to say, when I eat healthier,

I feel so much hungrier.

But we've been eating fish.

My favorite are Goldfish pretzels.

Those are...

Yeah. So my dogs keep me healthy.

Pets keep me healthy. Or keep you healthy.

They're important. We have two Jindos.

That's the breed. We rescued them.

I saw a Cockapoo in Beverly Hills

wearing Crest White Strips and skinny black jeans.

There should be a clothing store for dogs

called Forever Three.

'Cause in dog years...

Thank you. One gentleman.

When we rescued our dogs, the people told us

that they were four years old.

And then the vet said, based on their teeth,

they were at least eight.

And I'm like, wow.

In Los Angeles, they even lie about how old their dogs are.

So I am 56.

I turned 56 in February.

Thank you!

And since then, I forget everything.

Like that I'm 60.

Now when a guy is staring at my breasts, I'm like,

"Hey buddy, they're down there actually."

I am old enough to remember when you could smoke on a plane.

I mean, you can still do it now,

but they fine you $2,200, I found out.

I am 60 years old.

The only thing I mind is that,

other than that society thinks that, you know,

I'm not important and my life is over,

and I feel like I'm just starting my second act

as a librarian in Maine.

The only thing I mind is that I started getting

an old ladies clothing catalog that I didn't subscribe to.

And it upset me. That I love the tunics.

They're reversible!

But fuck it. I'm 60.

That's my new mantra.

I will buy Crepe Erase and a walk-in tub,

and the pickleball racket and compression socks,

and a case of Ensure, and one of those HurryCanes,

and a statement necklace from Chico's.

Fuck it. I'm 60.

And I'm not apologizing anymore.

I love myself now.

Well, I, I can stand myself.

35 years of therapy later.

You know what?

I still wish I didn't procrastinate as much.

Like I just did the ice bucket challenge.

And I wish I could fall asleep better.

'Cause, like once I'm asleep, I could sleep through anything.

Like I once slept through college.

But it, it's hard for me.

It takes me a long time to fall asleep.

'Cause I'm always worried.

I'm worried about like nuclear war

and did I buy too many forever stamps?

And then I wonder silly things.

Like why does my raincoat say "dry clean only."

Who builds the Ikea stores?

Why isn't there an 82 cent store for women,

since that's what we make on the dollar?

And isn't cobbler just fucked up pie?

But I can stand myself.

I can stand myself and I'll leave you with this.

I-- a couple of years ago, I was hit by a car.

I know, I was walking on my treadmill.

No, I was crossing the street.

I was hit by a car. I woke up.

I didn't know where I was.

I knew I wasn't at home because somebody was vacuuming and...

...wasn't me.

And I was in the hospital.

I had one broken leg and two broken feet

and it took me a long time to heal.

But I couldn't have done it without

my friends and family keeping me laughing.

And I realized life is so fragile

and I should switch to Geico.

The guy had a great policy.

Thank you so much for listening to me.

I feel like people aren't honest

with what getting older is about.

There is a moment where you go from the day that you walk

into Starbucks and somebody opens the door for you.

And then they might even say,

"Oh, let me buy you your coffee,"

to like the next day you are fucking invisible

and no one will ever buy you free coffee ever, ever again.

Let alone a martini.

Hi, thank you so much!

Wow!

Wow!

Boy! Thank you so much!

Well, I am so excited to be here tonight.

Part of this show, Funny Women of a Certain Age.

I figure in 10 or 15 years,

I'm really going to need their advice.

I was kind of offended at first.

You know, like when AARP started sending me stuff.

They sent a tote, like it was filled with coupons to Denny's

and LensCrafters.

Like I want to advertise my age by carrying around some

cheap canvas bag with a giant AARP logo.

I mean, it might as well say,

"Aging Arthritic Repulsive Person."

On a scale of one to varicose veins...

I think I'm doing all right for 36 plus 20.

I'm 56.

Thank you.

I don't know if you're clapping

because I can still wear heels

or because you've never seen an actress do math.

Confidence can be elusive as we age.

You know, part of us is wise enough

to just not take any more shit.

And part of us looks in the mirror while putting on makeup

and wonders, "Why bother?"

Because middle-age makeup is a full-on craft project.

Scrape, spackle, sand, patch, fill,

tape, lift, coat, smooth, spray,

yeah, and then you can put on lipstick.

I used to buy my makeup at Sephora.

Now I get it in bulk at Michael's.

No, it's basically papier-mache on my face right now.

You could feel it.

Well, you might remember me from an episode of Seinfeld

that I did that had a very famous tagline.

They're real and they're spectacular.

I mean, now they're still real.

And I would argue still spectacular,

if you're attracted to tube socks filled with sand,

hanging from a scarecrow.

But you know, hardly any of us are real anymore.

I mean, just look at Instagram.

Like we all are filled with fake boobs and fake butts.

Fake teeth.

Like we're so fake that when we do finally

end up in a casket, we probably won't even rot.

Or hundreds of years from now,

they'll be digging up little sparkling veneers

and deflated plastic sacks, wondering,

"Was this a cemetery or a Party City?"

Yeah.

Aging while female is not for the faint of heart.

I mean, wine of a certain age is considered rare,

and grapes of a certain age are considered raisins,

and women of a certain age are not considered

in Hollywood at all.

Cheers.

I have three 18-year-old cats,

one 12-year-old dog, and a car from 1978.

We're all just waiting around to see who dies first.

I was one of those folks that rescued a dog during COVID.

Yeah, mine came with poor eyesight and a collapsed anus.

Ooh.

Yeah. But so did I.

Yeah. Now I can barely read my texts anymore.

I mean, most people hear 69 and think sex.

I think font size.

And I have got to be the only actress in Hollywood

who actually had plastic surgery on my butthole,

instead of my face.

Anal fissures brought on by pregnancy.

No, don't feel sorry for me.

My asshole just made Maxim's Hot 100.

All of this to say, I've become a cliche.

An old lady with too many cats, who's also single.

Living alone, I guess it, you know,

it really hasn't been easy on me or my sex life.

Although, it's not like it took a pandemic

for my vagina to be on lockdown.

No, even my Alexa knows that I'm in a dry spell.

She's heard me so often complain

about having no sex in a long time.

That once I said, "Alexa, what's the time?"

And she said, "It has been a long time.

It was so long ago that iPhones had a charging port

and a headphone jack.

Yes, even the iPhones' holes were being

more occupied than yours."

Some would call that Alexa spying,

but I call it finally getting some goddamn attention.

Now for my birthday, she sent me chocolates

and a 10 speed dildo.

With batteries!

I will admit to you that I am indeed on a dating app.

Well and, not just one.

I'm on Raya, Elite Singles, and Bumble,

and Celebrities Who Once Fucked James Bond,

MacGyver and Superman, But Can't Find a Date

So Have Been Single for Years.com.

But I do worry that if you don't use it,

you lose it.

That's what they say.

I know that applies to my brain and my biceps.

I'm wondering if it includes my clitoris.

Has my vagina gotten old, like the rest of me?

Does it meet Botox or fillers?

It definitely needs filling.

How dry is it?

Could we hold Burning Man in there next year?

These were questions I needed answered.

I needed my gynecologist to go down on me.

So I'm in his office

and I'm lying there with my legs up in the stirrups

and he's rooting around.

And I finally get up the nerve to ask him,

"Uh, doctor, does it look like a guy

would have a good time in there?"

He peeked his head up over the sheet

that was covering my lap.

And he said, "Teri, you have a totally average vagina."

Well, does he mean average,

like 49% of women have better vaginas

and 49% of women have worse vaginas?

Or does he mean average like a C,

because I'm not a C student,

and I certainly don't intend to start with my vagina.

Like, he said he meant it like it was

just perfectly, normally, functionally fine.

And I'm, you know, I'm an honest gal.

So that is how I introduce myself now.

Hi, I'm Teri. I have a totally average vagina.

Even my mother, my 86 year old mother,

called me the other day, so excited.

"Teri, your father and I have met the most amazing man.

He's single. He used to be a pilot and he speaks Russian."

So then she said to me four words

that made me consider legally emancipating myself,

even though I'm in my 50s.

"Here, talk to him."

Ooh!

Oh yeah.

So, right, you can, you can picture,

you can picture me going, "Uh, no, no, no, no Mom, no.

What are you doing? Mom, Mom, don't hand the phone!

Please don't hand the phone to..."

"Hello, Teri. This is Pete,"

or whatever the fuck he said.

I don't remember because my head was spinning.

My heart was pounding. My palms were sweaty.

I felt like I was somewhere between a stroke

and a grizzly attack.

I squeaked out an awkward, "Hello."

"Teri Hatcher," he said, "This is so cool!

Your mom's told me all about you!"

Okay. So let's recap.

I am talking to a total stranger.

He knows exactly who I am.

Exactly what I look like.

He could have even masturbated to me

at some point in his life.

It's true. I've been around a long time.

I said, "Pete, I'm sure you can appreciate

that this has caught me a little off guard.

How exactly did you meet my mom?"

"Oh, we just bumped into each other in Costco."

Oh my God.

Is my mom just strolling down the aisles of Costco,

like telling everyone that her world famous daughter

is so pathetically in need of a date

that she'll just hand out my number to any man

without a wedding ring.

I hear my mom in the background, yelling,

"Speak Russian to her!"

I mean the only thing Russian I want right now

is a case of vodka.

I said, "Pete, could you put my mom back on the phone?"

She told me she was texting me a picture.

I got the picture.

Actually, Pete was kind of cute.

But then I looked closer.

I zoomed in on the photo

and I could see that he was wearing

a Costco name tag.

Oh, my whole career, tabloids have made me

a headline of some kind, sometimes on a red carpet,

pumping gas, but lately,

lately, now the headline is,

"Have You Seen Her Lately?"

Wow. She's really aged.

Ooh.

What happened to her?

Really?

Yeah. Well, I'll tell you.

I'll tell you what happened to me.

I got married. I got divorced.

I had a hit TV show. I did some movies.

I got married again. I grew a baby inside me.

I moved to New York. I took a toddler on the subway.

I got divorced again. I had another hit TV show.

I won some awards. I raised money for charities.

I went to cooking school.

I won Chopped and The Great British Bake-Off.

I ran two marathons. I parented a beautiful human.

I cared for aging parents. I took care of friends.

Friends took care of me.

I taught myself to play piano

and I survived celibacy for a fucking year

alone in a pandemic.

So, yeah, life.

That's what happened to me.

Thank you guys so much!

You have been way more than average!

Good night!

When you get onstage,

it doesn't matter who the hell you're following, you own it.

You own that stage.

I got to tell you, I've walked into clubs

and you know, it's, they'll still look at the guide

and go, "Are you the headliner," looking at the feature!

And I'm like, "I'm your headliner."

And then I prove it.

Whoo!

I'm loving this.

Can I share something with y'all?

I went to my doctor last week

and he said no caffeine,

no fatty foods,

no alcohol.

I said, no copay.

Not paying to hear heresy, sir.

I really just wanted to do this the easy way.

Right? I wanted to get some Botox, some liposuction.

But what's in the budget is self-acceptance.

So, you know, I, I went shopping,

just to buy a couple of things that, that fit

and I, I forgot how frustrating that is.

Right?

Like I still, I still don't understand

why women's clothes start at size zero.

You're not a size zero, if people can see you.

It doesn't help that I'm, I'm at that awkward age right now

where police officers are starting to look really young.

Y'all, I saw one little cop the other day.

He looked so young I thought he was trick or treating.

I was like, "Hey, little boy, you want some candy?"

I got arrested.

But you know, it's hard to tell how old somebody is

just by looking at them, right?

Like, like for old people,

everybody younger than them is a millennial.

For young people,

everybody older than them fought in the Civil War.

For me, any Black dude over 70 is a Tuskegee Airman.

Like whenever I see one I'm like,

"Oh my God, thank you for your service!"

You know, I'm learning that,

that we don't age all at once, right?

Different body parts age faster than others, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

Like my taste buds? Still tasting.

My colon?

Not a team player.

But different parts of the body

age faster than others, right?

Like my heart?

Still young.

My knees?

Ooh! Hoo-hoo!

Apparently my knees walked to freedom with Harriet Tubman.

Y'all, I call my knees the Middle East.

Because no matter what I do, there's no peace.

My, my doctor, my doctor told me to take Osteo Bi-Flex.

And it works, right?

Like I don't hear my knees cracking anymore, right?

But now I'm afraid that's 'cause I'm losing my hearing.

But I will, I will admit to you guys

that age is a touchy subject for me, right?

'Cause there's a, there's a TV show called Younger, right?

Where in order to find and keep a job,

a white woman in her 40s

pretends to be in her 20s.

Because white women age so well?

See, I don't understand how the star of that show

is not a Black woman.

Aging well is what we do.

I mean, c'mon. Angela Bassett is 209.

I'm 87!

Actually, you know what?

I was, I was taught that it's impolite

to ask a woman her age, right?

But it happens.

So now whenever a man asks me how old I am,

I ask him if he's good in bed.

See, that way we both know we're about to lie.

You know what, how about, how about this?

How about, because it really tells you nothing

substantive about who I am regarding age.

I just say I'm a seasoned woman.

Which basically means I'm delicious.

And I'm probably gonna raise your blood pressure.

Real talk though. Real talk.

I don't, I don't like sharing my age

because I feel like it gives people another way

to discriminate against me. Right?

Like I got the hang of racism and sexism, I got that.

Now you throw in ageism, now I'm Trinity in the Matrix.

And I just took the red pill, right?

I mean, one of my biggest fears is

that I will be brutally murdered.

It will make the news. And they will say my age.

Leighann Lord, 87.

So it's not bad enough that I'm dead.

But now the whole world knows

that I am four score and seven.

Thank you, Anderson Cooper.

That's a lot of self-esteem, right?

To think that my murder will make CNN primetime?

Shout out to my vision board.

I got to tell y'all, according to my vision board,

tomorrow me is amazing.

All right, she gonna get up early.

She gon' eat right.

She gon' exercise

and be married to Jason Momoa.

And you know what?

If, if anyone in here doesn't know who Jason Momoa is,

let, let me fill that void in your life.

Jason Momoa is the actor who played Aquaman.

Yeah, yes, even the men are moist now.

I saw the movie and I was a little confused

because somebody told me that Aquaman had a plot.

I don't remember that.

I remember Jason Momoa came on screen,

two hours and 22 minutes later, I knew how to swim.

Now I, I really wasn't into the whole superhero thing

until I saw Black Panther.

Y'all, I saw Black Panther opening weekend.

And I had not seen that many happy Black people

in one place since election day, 2008.

The line, the line to get into the theater was so long.

I got excited.

I was like, are we voting? What?

One of my, one of my favorite lines from Black Panther is,

"Be silent, colonizer."

Ooh.

That's how I be getting through these Zoom meetings.

And that's how you teach critical race theory.

But my, my favorite superhero movie is Harriet.

Yes, the movie about Harriet Tubman.

Yes.

And I'll tell you the part of the film that,

that really moved me, is when she escapes,

she's free, she goes back home

one year later to rescue her husband

and finds that he is already married to another woman.

Now to her credit, she took it well.

I did not.

Because I was like, if that had happened to Harriet Tubman,

that could happen to me.

I leave. I come back.

He's married. Talkin' 'bout,

"Baby, I didn't know where you went.

I didn't know how long you'd be gone."

Motherfucker, I went to work.

I left this morning.

I have to tell you guys,

I was incredibly thrilled

and honored to be invited to do this show.

Because women, we are, we are 52% of the population.

Right? But we only make 85 cents on the dollar.

That's why I don't feel bad about shoplifting.

Now Black women, we only make

65 cents on the dollar.

Right? Right.

So that means if I told a joke that you didn't like,

that's 'cause I only wrote 65% of it.

Now I know 65%, that doesn't sound too bad, right?

But in, in fairy tale terms,

that's Snow White and the Four and a Half Dwarfs.

That is insufficient.

I need a full set of Dwarfs.

Yes. One for each appendage.

Like Grumpy, Happy, Dopey, Doc,

Sleepy, Sneezy... Bashful.

Stop crying, Bashful. You know what it is.

But I wanna, I want to ask y'all a question before I go.

By round of applause, round of applause,

how many of you here would agree that time is money?

Applaud if you believe time is money.

So then I have a proposal.

If they're not going to pay me all my money on the dollar,

then I have to take back my time, right?

So that 12-hour shift is now eight,

nine to five is nine to two,

and my weekend starts on Wednesday.

All those in favor, say aye.

Aye!

The ayes have it. The motion carries.

And the Senator from Wakanda reclaims her time.

Thank you. Good night.

So I'm in Dyersburg, Tennessee, at a place called Checkers.

And had advertised me as XXX.

So I got a guy in the front row and he just keeps saying,

"Are you ever taking your clothes off?"

Because he thought it was like comedy strip show

'cause of the XXX.

-Oh no. -Yeah.

And I just looked at him. I said, "Dude,"

I was much heavier, I said,

"If I spin around a pole, I'll strike oil,

ya dumb bastard."

Wow, thank you! What a great response!

I only know one way to respond to that.

Thank you!

Well, first of all, I'm delighted to be here.

I'm delighted to be out

because I've been locked up for 14 months with no wiener.

I've been alone in my house for 14 months.

It's been amazing.

In fact, I'm pretty sure my hymen's grown back.

Right before a lockdown, you know what I had?

The hang and bang. The hang and bang.

Dick, Netflix and some breakfast burritos.

That was it. Right?

'Cause I was dating little dudes.

So I gotta be honest with you, that you know,

when you date much younger people as a woman,

it's not fun.

Because for women, sex is mental.

You want to get into our bed, you got to get into our head.

You got to smell nice. You got to dress good.

You got to play good music.

Little dudes don't do that.

They don't, you know what they think they do?

They get manscaped. I don't want to see that.

All shaved down there like a little baby bird.

I don't want to see that.

I want to see a man, a real man.

You're a man.

I'm not flirting, but he's age appropriate.

You know what I mean? Yeah.

But I'm a woman of a certain age.

I want, you're in man pants.

You're in pants with a fly and a button.

You're not sitting there in jeggings.

A little moose knuckle. No, you're a grown-ass man.

They can fix shit. You got tools, don't you?

You got tools. Look at him.

He's like, yeah. I'm moist as a Bundt cake.

I'm not flirting, but that's so sexy.

Sexy!

I'm looking at you, little dude, not interested.

You know what I mean?

You're cute. You're cute.

You know what's good about dating a guy like him?

You don't have to break up with him, you don't.

You just stop buying groceries. You know what I mean?

They're like giant entitled raccoons.

Who needs that?

I want a real man.

I want to-- I think I dated young, strong, virile men

because I thought that that was accomplishment, success.

That you could protect me, but it's not.

I want spiritual success.

I want real accomplishment.

Saggy balls. I want saggy balls.

That's wisdom, my man.

It's like rings on a tree, baby.

I believe in like envisioning what you want,

deciding what you want.

I've given him a name. Larry.

You know with like a little Jew fro,

maybe like a bald spot in the back he covers with hairspray.

The universe loves specificity.

The Larr Bear.

He golfs. Maybe he's got a black Tesla.

You know what I mean?

You know those guys, those little wiry fucks.

You know those little wiry, hairy guys

that looked like they were like dipped in glue

and rolled in pubes.

You know those guys. I want that guy.

I've had a lot of time to think about this.

I've been alone 14 months.

I'm like a free range chicken.

I just let everything go.

My hair grew out. Fuck it.

That's what brown magic marker's for, I don't care.

Yeah. My little waxer.

I don't miss that little bitch.

Ripping my pubes out from the roots.

Fuck her. I'm not going back.

I look like I have Colin Kaepernick

in a thigh lock.

I'm not-- I don't care!

I don't care.

No, I'll take some scissors to it soon.

You know what I mean?

And then I'm going analog. I'm going BIC razor and Nair,

and who wears short shorts, but I'm not ready yet.

It was like feng shui.

If you build it, they will come.

You know what I mean? Like I'm not ready yet.

I'm gearing up for the Larr Bear.

I'm excited about-- I believe in this stuff.

I believe in manifesting.

And I've had a lot of time to CSI my life.

Yeah, I've been married and divorced three times.

Fuck it. I don't care.

There's no shame in my game.

It's better to be divorced

than plotting someone's death in their sleep, okay?

That's true. 'Cause the little dudes,

it's different because it's not fulfilling.

Because for women, like I said before,

sex is mental and we have different types of the Big O

and it's been so long since I've had like a big, Big O.

Am I embarrassing you?

No, because you don't,

you don't even know what I'm talking about.

That's why you're not embarrassed.

No, I thought about it. I thought about it.

Like, like men have one type of the Big O.

It's just like a sneeze,

like a delicious ahh-choo, like that.

I love the way women laugh.

Like, "Tell them, Monique, tell them!

Tell them!"

Women get dicky drunk. You know, women.

We do, we get dicky drunk.

We get, we get drunk from the wiener.

When you have,

when you have one Big O, you know,

first of all, you know how you know

that it was like the one big one?

She giggles when she's done.

She goes, "hee hee," like that.

And then we get out of bed and we like wobble.

Not just 'cause our knees are weak,

but because we're under the influence

of an entire experience of you trying to make us happy.

When we run into a door that's been there for ten years.

Someone with a lump on her head

right there in the front row.

Amen. Can I get a witness?

Yeah. Yeah!

That never happened with the little dudes.

Never happened with the little dudes.

And you can't train them. It takes too long.

And I tell my nieces this.

I have little nieces, little bitches.

I love them.

No, I love them.

But I call him that sometimes because they make me feel old.

My, my nieces, they come up to me.

They go, "Auntie Monique,

tell us what it was like in the 1900s."

Like it's fuckin' Downton Abbey and me,

you know what I mean?

But I want them to learn things

because it doesn't matter if it's a career

or even just a job, or a relationship, or sex,

whatever it is, we've lost our ability

to appreciate deferred gratification.

That we can't get what we want

in the exact second that we want it.

And life was sweeter when you had to wait for things.

I tell them about layaway.

They thought it was a dating app.

But I tell them things that they need to know how fortunate

they are to live in a world of miracles, you know?

They love my mom. They call her Abuelita.

They go, "Abuelita's so sweet.

"Abuelita bought me a device.

Abuelita did this. Abuelita did that."

I go, "You want me to tell you a secret about Abuelita?"

They're like, "Yeah."

I go, "She used to beat me in grocery stores."

I just like to throw them off. Remember that?

Remember when you could hit your kids?

My nieces have never been spanked.

They have no idea what it is

to take a beat down in the produce department.

Nobody takes pictures or calls CPS.

Hell no. They don't do that.

They join in in the beat down.

They're like, "I heard what that kid said.

That's a lippy little bitch. Hit her harder."

But I digress.

They love music. We love music.

We share a love of music.

They're so adorable because I'm trying

to make like a, like a mixtape,

like what they call them, a playlist.

Now it's a playlist.

Playlist, you know?

'Cause I like putting it out there to the universe

that I'm making a Larr Bear love tape.

It's hard. It's hard, 'cause all the people

that I used to like to hump to are dead.

It's true.

I got used to Marvin Gaye of course, but you know,

everybody went down, you know, Prince, Michael Jackson,

Donna Summer, Natalie Cole, it just keeps going.

George Michael, bam, bam, Luther Vandross, bam.

And my little nieces are like,

"Well you can, you can do it to Ed Sheeran."

No, you can't, he's a little redheaded Muppet.

I can't have sex to him.

Sexy.

But we talk a lot about music. We do.

That's where we, you find the commonality.

You find the things you both love, you find touch points,

and then you can have real conversations with people.

And I find that my nieces and I,

we can always unite over music.

So I, I talked to them a lot

about how much it used to mean to me

to put together mixtapes.

And they're like, "How does that work?

We've heard of the mixtapes from the 1900s."

I said, "Well, well, little sweethearts.

We used to listen to music on a radio.

That's a box with two metal sticks sticking out."

And they know like download speeds and coverage and 5G.

I'm like, "Oh no, the radio didn't even work

in every room in the house."

You had to unplug it and move it around

and whatever room you left it there and turned it up loud.

And no matter what you were doing,

you would listen with half an ear.

And the DJ would say, "Coming up next,

Salisbury Hill by Peter Gabriel,"

and you would haul ass to your bedroom

and you would grab your Radio Shack recorder

and back it up to the speaker.

And then you would just wait,

hovering like a bird of prey with your two fingers.

Hoping the DJ would shut the fuck up.

Right now in my apartment in Hollyweird, California,

I have a box of mixtapes from '84 to '88.

And I say, Hollyweird, 'cause even though I've lived here

since 1996, I'm originally from Miami, Florida.

And by the way, I'm 100% Latina.

So if you have any stereotypes about Latinos, I know,

I know, I look like a middle-aged white woman

with good credit, but I'll shank a bitch, I don't care.

I will. If I have to.

But in my apartment in Hollywood,

I have a box of mixtapes and it's pretty amazing.

It brings back so many memories of making them.

But I have a 90-minute miracle I made in the summer of 1986.

That one really took some time.

And, and it starts with Jungle Love

by Steve Miller Band.

Yeah, that's a jam. That's a jam.

I met you on somebody's island

That's a line, "I met you on somebody's island."

That's some sexy shit!

What would the kids say now?

I swiped left and we hooked up at Pinkberry.

Like what kind of song is that?

"I met you on somebody's island.

I thought I had known you before."

That's sexy.

"I brought you a crate of papayas."

Have you ever had a papaya, little dude?

That's some delicious shit right there, delicious.

If you did that now, a girl be like, "Crate of papayas?

That's a creeper move.

You left me fruit on my front porch?

Ya freak.

Are they non-GMO papayas?

Organic?"

I hope I meet the Larr Bear

and he brings me a crate of papayas.

In his black Tesla.

I'm telling you I've got it down, I've got it down.

I can picture him. He's in a suit.

He's got on a shirt with some white chest hair sticking out.

You know what I mean? Like that.

It's true, I want a grown man in man pants

that's not manscaped.

When he drops trou, I want it to look like a buzzard

hanging out of his nest on a cliff wall.

You're picturing it right now.

But I'm going to leave you

with my three best pieces of advice.

After more than 50 years on this planet.

And I've really had a lot of time to think about it,

14 months all by myself.

And this is what it comes down to.

Number one, love hard.

Your heart is a muscle.

Even if you're loving the wrong person,

consider it cardio for your spirit.

I got news for you, you're never loving the wrong person.

You're just preparing for the righter person.

If anybody knows the Larr Bear,

you know, little Jew fro.

Number two, forgive harder, because when you forgive,

all your power comes back to you.

And one of the things about the 'Rona

was I had a lot of time to reconnect with people.

And I know some of them were thinking,

"Did she forget that we had that fight in high school?

Is she up to some ninja revenge?"

No, I forgot. Forgive harder.

All your power comes back to you.

And number three, if we've learned anything,

get as happy as you can as fast as you can.

It's nobody's job, but yours.

Thank you. Good night. Bless you.

I mean, when I started,

they structured the show with a male headliner,

a host to MC, to open the show,

and a novelty act.

Ahh.

And the novelty act was either a juggler

or an impressionist or a woman.

Wow. We were considered novelty acts.

-How adorable. -Yeah.

I don't even know if it was conscious.

I just know that it happened.

Oh, wow.

Thank you.

Well, I guess that's my show.

Thank you. Good night.

Hi, my name is Marsha Warfield.

But you can call me Your Highness.

I'm so honored to be here with all my bitches.

Got my stable with me.

I am the senior member of this crew.

Yes I am.

I am the same age as Oprah Winfrey.

Yes I am. We were born a couple of years apart.

That's not true.

We were born a couple of months apart

in the year of Brown vs. The Board of Education.

So we grew up with the civil rights movement.

And it shapes your whole perspective.

It was on TV all the time.

It was part of dinnertime conversation.

It was in school. It was in church.

It was everywhere.

I still remember the slogans from back then.

Like, free at last.

We shall overcome.

Y'all gonna get us all killed.

Them white folks gon' be mad, you know.

But Oprah has famously said

that 60 is the new 30.

Oprah's a damn liar.

60's the same fucking 60 it's always been.

It's the number after 59. You can't get from 59 to 30.

That don't even make no fucking sense.

It makes you wonder,

how much money do you have to have

to get your own math?

And it don't even make-- people need to stop

with all that, "this is the new that."

They got 90-year-old people. 90 is the new 80.

Twelve is the new four, four is the new toddler.

What the fuck?

Orange is not the new black.

If it was, Donald Trump would be head of NAACP.

But I wish I had Oprah math.

You would see me in the grocery store,

they'd be like, "That's $412."

And I'd be, "Uh-uh. Not by my math.

Way I figured you owe me $2.22.

But keep the change, I like you."

But that's power.

To be able to change the whole definition of old.

Come on, when me and Oprah were kids, 60 was old as fuck.

If somebody told you they was 60, you got sad.

You'd be like, "Aww!

But I like you."

And Oprah got 60, ain't nobody 60.

You ain't 60. Ain't nobody old.

That's amazing power.

I wish I had that kind of power.

Oprah got bread ain't got no calories.

You remember when she was talking about,

"I eat bread every day. Lost 22 pounds."

You's a damn liar. No you didn't.

I smell bread every day, gain 40.

I can gain 22 pounds looking at food.

And I was trying to lose weight

because we have this idea if we lose weight, we'll lose age.

You'll feel like a 22-year-old.

You's a damn liar! No I won't!

I'll just be a skinny-ass old person.

But when, you know, summer was coming,

you know, you get conditioned.

So if you start trying to lose weight

so you can have that summer body, you know?

And I was working real hard at it, I was.

And then one day,

when I was pulling some skin off some chicken...

...it dawned on me.

And I'm like, "Fuck."

They make bigger clothes.

So you should have seen me wrapping

that skin back around that chicken.

I got some bacon and some toothpicks.

I got some cheese. I fried that shit.

Because like every woman, I do have an inner skinny woman.

You know, we all have that inner skinny woman who nags us.

You know, I know I do because I ate her.

That bitch tried to get between me and the refrigerator...

on one of them midnight munchie runs.

I'm like, "Uh-uh, that's your ass."

But I've gotten to where I accept my weight

and I don't want to lose weight

because I'm old.

And if I'ma waste away to nothing,

I want it to take a long fucking time.

But as the senior member of this crew,

I have to tell you a couple of secrets.

One, your grandmother's a freak.

It's true. People think--

See, we're the generation that invented sex,

drugs, and rock and roll, okay?

Right?

And we are still sexing and drugging

and rocking and rolling.

It's just now we have to take drugs so we can sex

and rock and roll, but that's not the point.

People have this weird idea that old ladies,

just, just sit around, rocking,

thinking about cookie recipes for children.

Let me tell you something, your grandmother

could give a shit about your children and your cookies.

We don't care.

We taught you how to make cookies,

so you should have brought us some fucking cookies.

That's what you shoulda did.

And if I'm sitting around rocking,

I might be sitting on something.

Uh baby, don't pay no attention to that buzzing noise.

That's the refrigerator.

It does that when it's full.

'Cause granny got a Magic Wand.

You know what I'm talking about, right?

Yeah. Looks like this.

She keeps it in her nightstand up under the night gowns

on her side of the bed.

You know what I'm talking about. You've seen it.

Get you one.

See, you young women, y'all invest all this money

on all these devices and stuff

that do all this kind of stuff.

You don't need that.

Get you a old fashioned Hitachi Magic Wand.

But don't get the one with the batteries.

You don't want that. That's annoying.

It's just wimpy, it's just...

Get the one that plugs in the wall.

That's the one you need.

I will tell you another secret.

You have old people to thank for recreational marijuana.

That's right, 'cause we've been smoking reefer

since back when people was calling it smoking reefer.

And I'm gonna tell you something.

When your grandmother is sitting around rocking,

she's fucked up.

Old people still get high.

We be smoking, we like to get high and play games.

We like to go outside and get in the way.

Go around, you little shit.

I am gay. Thank you so much.

And I came out in my 60s.

Came out publicly.

You come out in stages, you know?

But I came out publicly in my 60s on Facebook.

'Cause that's what old people do, we fuck around on Facebook.

Facebook is the 21st century version

of sitting in the window, yelling at people.

Get off my page!

Take that shit on the other side of the Internet.

But growing up, I didn't know I was gay.

I just knew I was different.

That's what they told me. They said, "You're different."

Which means they fucking knew.

They didn't tell me.

Do you know how much pussy I didn't get?

They called me a tomboy,

but I wasn't a tomboy.

I was a baby dyke.

They should have let me be a baby dyke.

I would have been a lot happier.

But as I get older and now that I'm out and stuff,

I find myself new to the community.

I still don't know all the gay rules and stuff.

You know, I don't know even what to call myself.

I mean, you know, am I butch, stud,

femme, futch, butt, what the fuck?

Yes, I'm wearing a fedora.

You know, I have on sensible shoes.

But I'm wearing a bra and the panties, you know?

I am wearing a strap on, but that's not the point.

But like I said, it's hard coming out,

it's hard growing up.

And I found out just recently

that God is a Black woman.

She's tough. I've talked to her.

She told me to tell you she's pissed.

It's your fault.

But she also told me that the world needs to be mothered.

That we've been fathered long enough.

You know what fathers do.

They fuck mothers.

So we've been motherfucked for some...

But Carole's a national mom.

We need a national mom. We do.

Wherever we need somebody to just take over.

Just somebody, just walk into Congress and just stand there

and make everybody shut up and feel guilty.

Who did this?

No, don't be pointing at each other.

Ain't nobody leaving here till y'all clean this shit up.

And America, go to your room

and stay your ass in there till you learn how to vote.

Like I said, I don't know all, how to relate as a gay woman.

I don't know all of the rules

and what to call myself, you know?

I think people should call me what I am.

A lady snorkeler.

Dive, baby, dive.

Thank you so much. Take care.

People think that comedy is so easy.

Oh yeah, it's a breeze. Start today.

We were always the, like the dirty girls

or the edgy girls and there was only a few of us back then.

Exactly. We told the truth.

We weren't even dirty.

I mean, I tell people, tell the truth

and wrap it in bacon, so you'll eat it.

I want to be that person that, you know,

somebody can look at and they can go, wow.

If that's how Teri Hatcher's living, then like,

I feel pretty good about my life.

We all want to see each other succeed

because I think Hollywood has a tendency to say

that we're backbiting.

We do help each other.

And what you have created, Carole, is magnificent.