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00:00:08,299 --> 00:00:09,300
Hey, everybody.
2
00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:12,429
Welcome to the third Funny
Women of a Certain Age Special.
3
00:00:12,470 --> 00:00:13,763
A lot of people
have been asking,
4
00:00:13,805 --> 00:00:14,973
"How come it took so long
5
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,017
between the second
and the third special?
6
00:00:17,058 --> 00:00:19,060
Was it the pandemic?"
No!
7
00:00:19,102 --> 00:00:22,439
It took forever to find five
women in Los Angeles who would
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00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:24,607
admit to being over 50.
9
00:00:24,649 --> 00:00:25,734
Carole.
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00:00:25,775 --> 00:00:28,528
You did not tell me
I had to admit my age.
11
00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:36,953
Suddenly you've ripped out
the rug of mother identity.
12
00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:38,204
Now who the fuck am I?
13
00:00:38,246 --> 00:00:40,874
You really do get forced
to reinvent yourself,
14
00:00:40,915 --> 00:00:42,625
I think, or die.
15
00:00:42,667 --> 00:00:45,462
Here's the deal, you know,
you've, you, you are....
16
00:00:47,338 --> 00:00:48,882
Old.
17
00:00:48,923 --> 00:00:51,092
One of the things I love
about getting older
18
00:00:51,134 --> 00:00:54,179
is that I have really learned
how to say the word, "No."
19
00:00:54,220 --> 00:00:56,931
Like, do I want to do
that gig for no money? No.
20
00:00:56,973 --> 00:00:58,767
And they lie to us
and tell us,
21
00:00:58,808 --> 00:01:01,102
"Well, if you lose 12 pounds,
you'll feel young."
22
00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:04,105
No, you won't, you'll just
be a lighter old broad.
23
00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:05,940
What do you think about
aging in this business?
24
00:01:05,982 --> 00:01:08,443
It's better than death.
25
00:01:21,539 --> 00:01:22,749
When I started stand up,
26
00:01:22,791 --> 00:01:24,209
I was talking to my mom
one day on the phone.
27
00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:26,002
I said, "How come you
never came to see?
28
00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:28,004
Daddy and you never came to
see me at the beginning?"
29
00:01:28,046 --> 00:01:32,425
And she says, "Your father
thought you were going to bomb."
30
00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:48,650
We're doing number three.
Yeah!
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00:01:50,193 --> 00:01:54,072
Okay, before I start,
I just have to...
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00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,991
I'm 63 years old, I still
have to use a fucking condom.
33
00:01:59,285 --> 00:02:01,663
How great is this looking
at all you beautiful people?
34
00:02:01,704 --> 00:02:04,374
Look, we're not social
distancing anymore. Yes!
35
00:02:05,875 --> 00:02:08,545
Just one thing. One thing
about social distancing.
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00:02:08,586 --> 00:02:09,587
This is for the ladies.
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00:02:09,629 --> 00:02:10,922
Did you notice that men never
38
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,675
really got the hang
of social distancing?
39
00:02:13,716 --> 00:02:15,343
Do you agree with me?
Right?
40
00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:18,138
Not before. Not during.
Certainly not afterwards.
41
00:02:18,179 --> 00:02:21,224
I, I think it's because they
never figured out six inches.
42
00:02:21,266 --> 00:02:23,476
How the hell are they
figuring out six feet?
43
00:02:28,273 --> 00:02:31,025
Ah, that was a dick joke,
if you're keeping score.
44
00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:36,197
And it's, it's,
it's such a weird time
45
00:02:36,239 --> 00:02:38,741
because people don't know
how to act in public anymore.
46
00:02:38,783 --> 00:02:40,243
Right?
47
00:02:40,285 --> 00:02:41,870
'Cause I don't know
about out here,
48
00:02:41,911 --> 00:02:43,079
but like I'm from
New York, right,
49
00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:44,289
so in New York, in April, they,
50
00:02:44,330 --> 00:02:47,125
this is what they said,
"Lockdown's over."
51
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,294
And that was it.
They didn't say anything else.
52
00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:51,087
And nobody knew
what was happening.
53
00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:53,756
So it was like when Dorothy
lands in the Wizard of Oz
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00:02:53,798 --> 00:02:55,550
and the Munchkins pop out.
55
00:02:59,387 --> 00:03:01,514
"Can we drink now?
56
00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:03,516
Can we fuck?
What can we do?"
57
00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:08,229
Because most of you did
the same things I did, right?
58
00:03:08,271 --> 00:03:11,691
You spent the most of 2020
in your underwear.
59
00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:15,570
Don't fucking lie to me, people.
60
00:03:17,655 --> 00:03:19,282
I decided, okay, right,
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00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:21,326
we're free now,
the stores are open,
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00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:22,785
I'm going to go get
some new clothes.
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00:03:22,827 --> 00:03:24,370
Ladies.
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00:03:24,412 --> 00:03:27,165
Did you see what the designers
thought we wanted to wear?
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00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,083
You know what I'm talking about?
Who said it? Right?
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00:03:29,125 --> 00:03:31,044
The Prairie dresses!
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00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:46,809
The men have no idea
what we're
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00:03:46,851 --> 00:03:49,395
fucking talking about
right now, okay?
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00:03:49,437 --> 00:03:52,148
That would be if they
gave you, like you, sir,
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00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:54,734
like, if you wore a jockstrap
with a fucking bow,
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00:03:54,776 --> 00:03:55,693
that's what that would mean.
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00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:56,986
Okay?
You understand?
73
00:03:57,028 --> 00:03:58,655
Look at him.
I like that. Okay.
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00:03:58,696 --> 00:04:00,323
So anyway...
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00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:01,699
So for the people
who don't know,
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00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:04,702
it's a potato sack
77
00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:08,581
with ruffles...
78
00:04:08,623 --> 00:04:11,084
and a turtleneck.
79
00:04:11,125 --> 00:04:12,418
How much weight did they think
80
00:04:12,460 --> 00:04:15,588
we fucking gained
during the pandemic?
81
00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:24,264
And just because
we bake bread during it,
82
00:04:24,305 --> 00:04:27,350
doesn't mean we want to look
like a fucking pioneer woman.
83
00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:28,184
All right?
84
00:04:31,187 --> 00:04:33,147
What are they going to
come up with next? Right?
85
00:04:33,189 --> 00:04:35,233
Like what are they going to
come up with for the next thing?
86
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,652
Right?
Like Chanel
87
00:04:37,694 --> 00:04:39,570
for the Amish in you.
88
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:46,995
I'm hoping to get
a Chanel bag from this.
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00:04:47,036 --> 00:04:49,706
I'm just hoping
that I mentioned it
90
00:04:49,747 --> 00:04:51,124
and they will send me one.
91
00:04:51,165 --> 00:04:52,709
Okay, so...
92
00:04:53,876 --> 00:04:56,129
I was one of the first people
to be vaccinated
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00:04:56,170 --> 00:04:59,632
because I am 63 years old,
and I'm a senior citizen.
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00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,680
This is the only time in history
95
00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:09,517
where old people
were treated well.
96
00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:10,810
Yeah, now we can go back
97
00:05:10,852 --> 00:05:13,229
to being invisible
and overqualified.
98
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,734
And I still don't get
why they chose,
99
00:05:17,775 --> 00:05:19,235
why did they make the seniors,
100
00:05:19,277 --> 00:05:21,112
why did they give it
to us first?
101
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:22,447
I think I figured it out.
102
00:05:22,488 --> 00:05:26,868
I think somebody
in charge was like...
103
00:05:26,909 --> 00:05:30,538
"Well, if the vaccine
doesn't work...
104
00:05:41,632 --> 00:05:42,717
...they had a good run."
105
00:05:45,636 --> 00:05:48,222
So I talk about my age,
you know, a lot in my act,
106
00:05:48,264 --> 00:05:50,391
because until like I said,
I'm 63 years old.
107
00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:52,643
And until you're older
you don't realize
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00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:54,187
that ageism really does exist.
109
00:05:54,228 --> 00:05:55,772
And the older women know
what I'm talking about.
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00:05:55,813 --> 00:05:56,981
Right? Right?
111
00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:58,232
Yeah. Yeah.
112
00:05:58,274 --> 00:06:00,193
Because honestly,
if I had to choose right now
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00:06:00,234 --> 00:06:02,904
between ageism or sexism,
I would take a pat on the ass
114
00:06:02,945 --> 00:06:05,698
because it meant somebody
fucking noticed me.
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00:06:07,116 --> 00:06:08,743
Right?
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00:06:10,411 --> 00:06:11,579
Now when I was a young girl
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00:06:11,621 --> 00:06:13,456
and I used to walk by
a construction site,
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00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:16,209
I would hate it.
Don't you hate that?
119
00:06:16,250 --> 00:06:18,127
It used to offend me so much.
120
00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:20,546
What I would give
for a fucking whistle right now.
121
00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:29,806
I can walk past a construction
site right now, naked.
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00:06:32,016 --> 00:06:33,184
You know what I'm going to hear?
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00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,353
"Uh, lady, your nipples
are getting bloody
124
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:37,063
from scraping on the sidewalk."
125
00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:42,318
But it's, you know,
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00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,946
people think ageism is
a female thing and it's not it.
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00:06:44,987 --> 00:06:46,948
I mean, it's all genders,
it's all industries.
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00:06:46,989 --> 00:06:48,157
Like you, young man.
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00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:50,868
My, my little bow guy.
How old are you?
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00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:52,328
51 years old.
131
00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:53,830
Now you will not
experience ageism
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00:06:53,871 --> 00:06:55,706
until you're in your 70s.
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00:06:55,748 --> 00:06:57,708
Women, 15.
134
00:07:03,297 --> 00:07:06,634
You know what the only industry
that doesn't have ageism?
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00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:08,302
Porn.
136
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:11,848
I know you're all
looking at me like,
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00:07:11,889 --> 00:07:12,849
"Why does the old leech
know this?"
138
00:07:12,890 --> 00:07:14,684
Okay, let me explain.
139
00:07:15,810 --> 00:07:17,103
I have a good friend of mine.
140
00:07:17,145 --> 00:07:18,604
She's a young lady.
She's a porn star.
141
00:07:18,646 --> 00:07:20,231
And we were having dinner
one night.
142
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:21,899
And I said to her,
"When do you retire?
143
00:07:21,941 --> 00:07:23,276
Do you have a retirement age?"
144
00:07:23,317 --> 00:07:25,194
And she says to me,
"Carole, you're 63.
145
00:07:25,236 --> 00:07:28,781
You could do porn.
There's a kink for everyone."
146
00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:38,833
Still not sure if that was a
compliment or an insult, people.
147
00:07:38,875 --> 00:07:40,209
I have to be honest.
148
00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:42,420
But then I got excited.
149
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:46,966
I could do porn.
I could do porn!
150
00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:54,098
I finally have
that fallback career
151
00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:57,935
my parents always
wanted me to have.
152
00:07:57,977 --> 00:07:59,187
But then I was thinking like,
153
00:07:59,228 --> 00:08:01,147
what, what, what, what,
what genre would I do?
154
00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:03,566
You know? 'Cause there's
different genres in porn.
155
00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:04,984
Did you know that?
Yeah, yeah.
156
00:08:05,026 --> 00:08:07,987
Like, do they have
like a Marvel Universe?
157
00:08:10,448 --> 00:08:12,992
They have Iron Man.
I could be Iron Supplement.
158
00:08:23,002 --> 00:08:24,337
So my girlfriend tells me a list
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00:08:24,378 --> 00:08:25,880
of all the different genres.
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00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:27,507
I have to be honest.
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00:08:27,548 --> 00:08:30,134
The only one that stood out
and this is a real thing,
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00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:35,056
was a thing called
humiliation porn.
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00:08:35,097 --> 00:08:37,183
Swear to God, this is
a real thing, right?
164
00:08:37,225 --> 00:08:39,352
You know what I love,
I love doing this bit.
165
00:08:39,393 --> 00:08:40,978
'Cause I love looking at
the men and they're like,
166
00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:43,022
"I don't even know
what porn is."
167
00:08:50,071 --> 00:08:51,739
Okay.
So this is a real thing.
168
00:08:51,781 --> 00:08:54,116
It's when a woman
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00:08:54,158 --> 00:08:55,993
screams at a man
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00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:59,705
for 90 minutes
until he comes.
171
00:09:07,588 --> 00:09:09,715
Now most of you don't
know me very well,
172
00:09:09,757 --> 00:09:12,927
but this is
the perfect genre for me.
173
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:24,855
I get to yell at somebody.
174
00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:28,109
I don't have to get naked.
175
00:09:28,150 --> 00:09:31,487
And I get paid?
Sign me the fuck up!
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00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:38,953
I can't wait
for the first day on the set.
177
00:09:40,997 --> 00:09:42,123
"Action!"
178
00:09:42,164 --> 00:09:43,457
"You call that a dick?"
179
00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:55,428
Wow.
That was really fast.
180
00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:09,317
I think we have
88 more minutes.
181
00:10:09,358 --> 00:10:12,278
What are we going to do?
You want to play cards?
182
00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:13,988
I don't know what
we're gonna do.
183
00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:17,742
So then my girlfriend
says to me, she says,
184
00:10:17,783 --> 00:10:21,162
"Carole, maybe not do
hardcore right away.
185
00:10:21,203 --> 00:10:24,457
Try something else.
Maybe an OnlyFans site."
186
00:10:24,498 --> 00:10:26,876
You know that OnlyFans, right?
187
00:10:26,917 --> 00:10:28,836
Once again, the men.
188
00:10:30,546 --> 00:10:34,550
So you pay monthly, you pay
monthly for private content.
189
00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:37,511
And I thought this is a great
way to do it from home, right?
190
00:10:37,553 --> 00:10:40,348
Because I don't really want
to have to compete with like
191
00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:43,059
young women with
their perky tits,
192
00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:45,061
because these are
not perky tits,
193
00:10:45,102 --> 00:10:47,563
these are,
these are droopy tits.
194
00:10:49,273 --> 00:10:50,608
And whether or not
you're wondering
195
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:54,445
if there was a market
for droopy tits...
196
00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:58,783
remember,
there's a kink for everyone.
197
00:11:04,413 --> 00:11:06,374
So this is what
my OnlyFans is.
198
00:11:06,415 --> 00:11:08,417
Okay.
199
00:11:08,459 --> 00:11:10,544
I take these tits, right,
200
00:11:10,586 --> 00:11:14,006
and I try to squeeze them
into a training bra.
201
00:11:17,134 --> 00:11:18,177
In slow motion.
202
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,724
Ready?
Okay, here it is.
203
00:11:32,608 --> 00:11:35,027
I got you hard
right now, didn't I?
204
00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:40,866
That one was free.
You pay next month.
205
00:11:46,330 --> 00:11:48,082
So now I have to tell
my son what I'm doing.
206
00:11:48,124 --> 00:11:49,709
I have a grown son.
207
00:11:49,750 --> 00:11:51,127
So I call my son up and I say,
208
00:11:51,168 --> 00:11:53,003
"Honey, I just
want you to know,
209
00:11:53,045 --> 00:11:54,505
Mom has an OnlyFans site."
210
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:57,174
And he goes, "I know,
my friends told me about it.
211
00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:02,930
They would like
an autographed training bra."
212
00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:06,058
So now I have merch.
213
00:12:12,690 --> 00:12:15,025
And I think I speak
for all of you
214
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:16,527
this past year and everything.
215
00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:18,696
The worst part of lockdown
for me was not seeing my son
216
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:19,780
and not seeing our families.
217
00:12:19,822 --> 00:12:20,990
Do you agree with me
on this?
218
00:12:21,031 --> 00:12:22,324
Yes. Yeah.
219
00:12:22,366 --> 00:12:23,576
And I didn't see
my son for like three--
220
00:12:23,617 --> 00:12:25,119
Those first three months
in New York City,
221
00:12:25,161 --> 00:12:26,746
I did not see him, okay?
222
00:12:26,787 --> 00:12:28,330
So finally, after three months
I call him up and I'm like,
223
00:12:28,372 --> 00:12:30,166
"Honey, I have to come see you.
224
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:31,459
I'm going to rent a car
225
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:33,043
and I'm going to
bring you supplies."
226
00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:35,463
By the way, I live in Manhattan.
He lives in Brooklyn.
227
00:12:35,504 --> 00:12:38,674
It's not that fucking far, okay?
'Cause you know, all right.
228
00:12:38,716 --> 00:12:40,509
I said, "The only thing
is, Dave,
229
00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:42,428
is that I'm going to have
to use your bathroom.
230
00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:44,013
I'm going to go have to pee
because I'm an old woman."
231
00:12:44,054 --> 00:12:45,890
I, you know, because you know,
I'm an old woman, okay?
232
00:12:45,931 --> 00:12:48,100
I pee all--
I'm peeing right now.
233
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:57,109
Don't fucking look!
Stop looking!
234
00:13:06,660 --> 00:13:10,581
My son says to me,
"Mom, we're,
235
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:13,959
my roommates and I,
we're in a quarantine bubble.
236
00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:17,171
You will not be able
to use my bathroom."
237
00:13:20,007 --> 00:13:21,842
What? Exactly.
238
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:24,303
I was like, "Whoa, okay,
so let me get this straight.
239
00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:28,265
I, I carried you
for nine months.
240
00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:31,644
You peed in me.
241
00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:40,444
And I can't use your...?
All right."
242
00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:42,613
I didn't go.
I was so mad at him, right?
243
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:44,782
So over the summer restrictions
were a little bit lifted.
244
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,826
He calls me because,
"Mom, I spoke to my roommates.
245
00:13:46,867 --> 00:13:50,120
Please come visit.
Please bring supplies.
246
00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:52,414
You can use my bathroom."
247
00:13:52,456 --> 00:13:53,791
So I went and I got the car.
248
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,334
And when I got up
to his apartment,
249
00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:58,045
I peed right on his
fucking kitchen floor.
250
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:06,345
And then I filmed it
for my OnlyFans site.
251
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,306
Thank you so much.
You've been great.
252
00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:11,058
Thank you, thank you,
thank you.
253
00:14:19,066 --> 00:14:23,821
I never thought of myself
as a female comic.
254
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:26,240
I just thought
of myself as a comic.
255
00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:29,201
I don't think you had to deal
with a lot of the bullshit.
256
00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:30,411
I think everyone just,
257
00:14:30,452 --> 00:14:32,246
she came out
of the fucking gate respected.
258
00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:34,748
So what,
why do you think that is?
259
00:14:36,333 --> 00:14:38,002
My jokes?
260
00:14:45,342 --> 00:14:47,052
Wow, thank you.
261
00:14:47,094 --> 00:14:50,514
Somebody just hugged me
so hard backstage,
262
00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:53,100
I can skip my next mammogram.
263
00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:57,229
They also said I was
dressed like a realtor.
264
00:14:57,271 --> 00:14:58,439
I don't know.
265
00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:01,942
I don't have a lot of clothes,
266
00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:03,652
but I have two sets
of everything
267
00:15:03,694 --> 00:15:05,195
because my weight fluctuates.
268
00:15:05,237 --> 00:15:09,700
So like I have a little black
dress with spaghetti straps
269
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:14,288
and then a larger black dress
with lasagna straps.
270
00:15:18,792 --> 00:15:22,421
It smells good in here.
Can you smell my perfume?
271
00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:29,428
It's channel five.
272
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:35,476
I got it at the dollar store.
273
00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:39,772
So during the pandemic
274
00:15:39,813 --> 00:15:43,275
I developed something
called Amazon-nesia.
275
00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:48,781
And that's when you get
a box and you're like,
276
00:15:48,822 --> 00:15:50,824
"What did I order?"
277
00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:59,333
And then I'm like, "I don't
remember ordering that."
278
00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:05,172
Evidently one night I bought
six coffee table books
279
00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:07,257
about minimalism.
280
00:16:11,303 --> 00:16:16,308
I'm already minimal, I don't
even have a coffee table.
281
00:16:19,728 --> 00:16:24,525
But I'm minimal because
somebody gave me a book,
282
00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:25,943
people give me books,
283
00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:30,864
called "The Life Changing
Magic of Tidying Up."
284
00:16:31,615 --> 00:16:34,159
My housekeeper gave it to me.
285
00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:41,792
Basically it says, get rid
of everything in your house
286
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:43,502
that doesn't bring you joy.
287
00:16:43,544 --> 00:16:48,215
So, I immediately
got rid of the book.
288
00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:55,806
But then it made sense.
289
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,182
'Cause you know what you like.
290
00:16:57,224 --> 00:16:59,935
And it was just about
being honest with myself
291
00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:01,186
about what I liked.
292
00:17:01,228 --> 00:17:05,524
So I got rid of so much stuff,
of my husband's.
293
00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:11,530
Comic books, baseball cards,
you know, junk.
294
00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:15,075
I kept all my books though.
295
00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:18,454
My mom gave me
a book called,
296
00:17:18,495 --> 00:17:21,248
oh, it's fiction...
297
00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:22,875
"The Joy of Cooking."
298
00:17:26,462 --> 00:17:27,671
I am not a good cook.
299
00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:30,549
Even my dogs are like,
"We'll eat out tonight."
300
00:17:32,092 --> 00:17:35,137
My food has a before taste.
301
00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:36,430
So um...
302
00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:42,436
I didn't know how
that one was gonna go.
303
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:49,818
Someone gave me a book called
304
00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:53,238
"The Power of Silence."
305
00:17:58,368 --> 00:18:00,287
My husband gave it to me.
306
00:18:03,248 --> 00:18:06,210
My husband is
the funniest human.
307
00:18:06,251 --> 00:18:08,170
He sexted me recently,
you know,
308
00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:11,131
sent me a picture
to turn me on, you know?
309
00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:15,594
It was a picture of him
emptying the dishwasher.
310
00:18:24,895 --> 00:18:27,314
Oh, I see some of my friends!
311
00:18:28,690 --> 00:18:32,319
At my age, that's what
it's all about, right?
312
00:18:32,361 --> 00:18:33,946
Being able to see.
313
00:18:36,824 --> 00:18:38,242
No, but I've always,
314
00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:40,869
growing up I had these
thick Coke bottle glasses,
315
00:18:40,911 --> 00:18:42,621
but they were
the knockoff kinds.
316
00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:44,748
They were RC Cola.
317
00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:50,546
Now everything outside
of my car is in my blind spot.
318
00:18:50,587 --> 00:18:53,966
And even my hindsight
isn't 2020.
319
00:18:55,926 --> 00:19:01,306
But at this point,
I can see what's important.
320
00:19:01,348 --> 00:19:02,516
Cash.
321
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:07,688
No, friends.
Friends and family.
322
00:19:07,729 --> 00:19:09,481
And spending cash...
323
00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:13,569
...time with them, I meant.
324
00:19:13,610 --> 00:19:15,028
And health is important.
325
00:19:15,070 --> 00:19:16,655
Health is, you know, if you
have your health, right?
326
00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:18,615
I have to go to my doctor soon.
327
00:19:18,657 --> 00:19:21,493
'Cause I've been feeling
attracted to him.
328
00:19:25,581 --> 00:19:28,917
I'm married, but before I was
married, I dated a doctor.
329
00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:32,671
He was one of those doctors
without boundaries.
330
00:19:38,927 --> 00:19:40,971
Health, health,
eating healthier.
331
00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:42,306
I've been eating healthier.
332
00:19:42,347 --> 00:19:43,724
I have to say,
when I eat healthier,
333
00:19:43,765 --> 00:19:45,684
I feel so much hungrier.
334
00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:51,732
But we've been eating fish.
335
00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:56,361
My favorite are
Goldfish pretzels.
336
00:19:56,403 --> 00:19:58,572
Those are...
337
00:20:00,657 --> 00:20:03,035
Yeah.
So my dogs keep me healthy.
338
00:20:03,076 --> 00:20:06,121
Pets keep me healthy.
Or keep you healthy.
339
00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:08,957
They're important.
We have two Jindos.
340
00:20:08,999 --> 00:20:11,710
That's the breed.
We rescued them.
341
00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:15,380
I saw a Cockapoo
in Beverly Hills
342
00:20:15,422 --> 00:20:19,718
wearing Crest White Strips
and skinny black jeans.
343
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,640
There should be
a clothing store for dogs
344
00:20:24,681 --> 00:20:28,602
called Forever Three.
345
00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:31,021
'Cause in dog years...
346
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:32,773
Thank you.
One gentleman.
347
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:41,698
When we rescued our dogs,
the people told us
348
00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:43,325
that they were four years old.
349
00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:46,787
And then the vet said,
based on their teeth,
350
00:20:46,828 --> 00:20:49,706
they were at least eight.
351
00:20:49,748 --> 00:20:51,124
And I'm like, wow.
352
00:20:51,166 --> 00:20:55,837
In Los Angeles, they even lie
about how old their dogs are.
353
00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:02,511
So I am 56.
354
00:21:02,552 --> 00:21:05,013
I turned 56 in February.
355
00:21:06,014 --> 00:21:08,225
Thank you!
356
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:11,728
And since then,
I forget everything.
357
00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:14,731
Like that I'm 60.
358
00:21:21,530 --> 00:21:25,158
Now when a guy is staring
at my breasts, I'm like,
359
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:29,121
"Hey buddy, they're
down there actually."
360
00:21:36,211 --> 00:21:41,258
I am old enough to remember
when you could smoke on a plane.
361
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:42,926
I mean, you can still do it now,
362
00:21:42,968 --> 00:21:46,680
but they fine you
$2,200, I found out.
363
00:21:49,683 --> 00:21:52,728
I am 60 years old.
364
00:21:57,107 --> 00:21:59,359
The only thing I mind is that,
365
00:21:59,401 --> 00:22:02,821
other than that society
thinks that, you know,
366
00:22:02,863 --> 00:22:05,532
I'm not important
and my life is over,
367
00:22:05,574 --> 00:22:09,161
and I feel like I'm just
starting my second act
368
00:22:09,202 --> 00:22:11,705
as a librarian in Maine.
369
00:22:13,248 --> 00:22:16,501
The only thing I mind is
that I started getting
370
00:22:16,543 --> 00:22:21,882
an old ladies clothing catalog
that I didn't subscribe to.
371
00:22:21,923 --> 00:22:25,886
And it upset me.
That I love the tunics.
372
00:22:30,307 --> 00:22:31,892
They're reversible!
373
00:22:36,813 --> 00:22:38,732
But fuck it.
I'm 60.
374
00:22:39,775 --> 00:22:41,026
That's my new mantra.
375
00:22:41,068 --> 00:22:43,320
I will buy Crepe Erase
and a walk-in tub,
376
00:22:43,362 --> 00:22:47,491
and the pickleball racket
and compression socks,
377
00:22:47,532 --> 00:22:51,787
and a case of Ensure,
and one of those HurryCanes,
378
00:22:51,828 --> 00:22:55,707
and a statement necklace
from Chico's.
379
00:22:58,752 --> 00:23:00,253
Fuck it.
I'm 60.
380
00:23:02,923 --> 00:23:06,760
And I'm not apologizing anymore.
381
00:23:06,802 --> 00:23:09,888
I love myself now.
382
00:23:09,930 --> 00:23:13,809
Well, I, I can stand myself.
383
00:23:15,685 --> 00:23:17,896
35 years of therapy later.
384
00:23:17,938 --> 00:23:19,481
You know what?
385
00:23:21,191 --> 00:23:24,236
I still wish I didn't
procrastinate as much.
386
00:23:24,277 --> 00:23:27,781
Like I just did
the ice bucket challenge.
387
00:23:39,459 --> 00:23:41,253
And I wish I could
fall asleep better.
388
00:23:41,294 --> 00:23:44,464
'Cause, like once I'm asleep,
I could sleep through anything.
389
00:23:44,506 --> 00:23:48,301
Like I once slept
through college.
390
00:23:49,010 --> 00:23:50,512
But it, it's hard for me.
391
00:23:50,554 --> 00:23:52,389
It takes me a long time
to fall asleep.
392
00:23:52,431 --> 00:23:53,974
'Cause I'm always worried.
393
00:23:54,015 --> 00:23:56,143
I'm worried about
like nuclear war
394
00:23:56,184 --> 00:23:58,937
and did I buy
too many forever stamps?
395
00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:06,236
And then I wonder silly things.
396
00:24:06,278 --> 00:24:11,324
Like why does my raincoat
say "dry clean only."
397
00:24:18,331 --> 00:24:20,917
Who builds the Ikea stores?
398
00:24:23,503 --> 00:24:26,965
Why isn't there
an 82 cent store for women,
399
00:24:27,007 --> 00:24:29,843
since that's what
we make on the dollar?
400
00:24:37,017 --> 00:24:40,687
And isn't cobbler
just fucked up pie?
401
00:24:47,861 --> 00:24:49,237
But I can stand myself.
402
00:24:49,279 --> 00:24:53,033
I can stand myself
and I'll leave you with this.
403
00:24:53,074 --> 00:24:57,621
I-- a couple of years ago,
I was hit by a car.
404
00:24:57,662 --> 00:25:00,874
I know, I was walking
on my treadmill.
405
00:25:02,959 --> 00:25:04,377
No, I was crossing the street.
406
00:25:04,419 --> 00:25:06,922
I was hit by a car.
I woke up.
407
00:25:06,963 --> 00:25:08,298
I didn't know where I was.
408
00:25:08,340 --> 00:25:12,886
I knew I wasn't at home because
somebody was vacuuming and...
409
00:25:15,805 --> 00:25:16,723
...wasn't me.
410
00:25:17,849 --> 00:25:19,184
And I was in the hospital.
411
00:25:19,226 --> 00:25:21,269
I had one broken leg
and two broken feet
412
00:25:21,311 --> 00:25:23,146
and it took me
a long time to heal.
413
00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:25,065
But I couldn't have
done it without
414
00:25:25,106 --> 00:25:28,318
my friends and family
keeping me laughing.
415
00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:32,447
And I realized
life is so fragile
416
00:25:32,489 --> 00:25:35,909
and I should switch to Geico.
417
00:25:37,536 --> 00:25:39,037
The guy had a great policy.
418
00:25:39,079 --> 00:25:41,915
Thank you so much
for listening to me.
419
00:25:51,550 --> 00:25:54,469
I feel like
people aren't honest
420
00:25:54,511 --> 00:25:56,555
with what getting
older is about.
421
00:25:56,596 --> 00:26:00,642
There is a moment where you go
from the day that you walk
422
00:26:00,684 --> 00:26:03,645
into Starbucks and somebody
opens the door for you.
423
00:26:04,437 --> 00:26:05,981
And then they might even say,
424
00:26:06,022 --> 00:26:07,315
"Oh, let me buy you
your coffee,"
425
00:26:07,357 --> 00:26:09,693
to like the next day
you are fucking invisible
426
00:26:09,734 --> 00:26:14,948
and no one will ever buy you
free coffee ever, ever again.
427
00:26:14,990 --> 00:26:16,783
Let alone a martini.
428
00:26:25,834 --> 00:26:27,627
Hi, thank you so much!
429
00:26:27,669 --> 00:26:28,753
Wow!
430
00:26:29,838 --> 00:26:32,007
Wow!
431
00:26:32,048 --> 00:26:35,260
Boy!
Thank you so much!
432
00:26:35,302 --> 00:26:37,304
Well, I am so excited
to be here tonight.
433
00:26:37,345 --> 00:26:41,016
Part of this show,
Funny Women of a Certain Age.
434
00:26:41,057 --> 00:26:42,392
I figure in 10 or 15 years,
435
00:26:42,434 --> 00:26:44,102
I'm really going to
need their advice.
436
00:26:47,606 --> 00:26:49,649
I was kind of offended at first.
437
00:26:49,691 --> 00:26:53,987
You know, like when AARP
started sending me stuff.
438
00:26:57,407 --> 00:27:01,995
They sent a tote, like it was
filled with coupons to Denny's
439
00:27:02,037 --> 00:27:03,121
and LensCrafters.
440
00:27:05,540 --> 00:27:08,835
Like I want to advertise my age
by carrying around some
441
00:27:08,877 --> 00:27:13,965
cheap canvas bag with
a giant AARP logo.
442
00:27:15,008 --> 00:27:16,384
I mean, it might as well say,
443
00:27:16,426 --> 00:27:19,179
"Aging Arthritic
Repulsive Person."
444
00:27:22,307 --> 00:27:26,811
On a scale of one
to varicose veins...
445
00:27:26,853 --> 00:27:31,983
I think I'm doing all right
for 36 plus 20.
446
00:27:32,025 --> 00:27:34,027
I'm 56.
447
00:27:36,237 --> 00:27:37,656
Thank you.
448
00:27:37,697 --> 00:27:39,115
I don't know if you're clapping
449
00:27:39,157 --> 00:27:40,617
because I can still wear heels
450
00:27:40,659 --> 00:27:43,870
or because you've never seen
an actress do math.
451
00:27:46,539 --> 00:27:51,127
Confidence can be
elusive as we age.
452
00:27:51,169 --> 00:27:53,463
You know, part of us
is wise enough
453
00:27:53,505 --> 00:27:55,882
to just not take any more shit.
454
00:27:55,924 --> 00:27:59,469
And part of us looks in the
mirror while putting on makeup
455
00:27:59,511 --> 00:28:02,055
and wonders, "Why bother?"
456
00:28:04,015 --> 00:28:08,895
Because middle-age makeup
is a full-on craft project.
457
00:28:11,106 --> 00:28:15,151
Scrape, spackle,
sand, patch, fill,
458
00:28:15,193 --> 00:28:19,280
tape, lift, coat,
smooth, spray,
459
00:28:19,322 --> 00:28:21,866
yeah, and then
you can put on lipstick.
460
00:28:24,202 --> 00:28:25,829
I used to buy
my makeup at Sephora.
461
00:28:25,870 --> 00:28:28,164
Now I get it in bulk
at Michael's.
462
00:28:29,708 --> 00:28:34,212
No, it's basically papier-mache
on my face right now.
463
00:28:34,254 --> 00:28:35,588
You could feel it.
464
00:28:37,465 --> 00:28:40,760
Well, you might remember me
from an episode of Seinfeld
465
00:28:40,802 --> 00:28:43,972
that I did that had
a very famous tagline.
466
00:28:45,390 --> 00:28:48,268
They're real
and they're spectacular.
467
00:28:49,102 --> 00:28:51,646
I mean, now they're still real.
468
00:28:51,688 --> 00:28:53,982
And I would argue
still spectacular,
469
00:28:54,023 --> 00:28:57,694
if you're attracted
to tube socks filled with sand,
470
00:28:57,736 --> 00:28:59,529
hanging from a scarecrow.
471
00:29:03,575 --> 00:29:07,036
But you know, hardly any of us
are real anymore.
472
00:29:07,078 --> 00:29:08,621
I mean, just look at Instagram.
473
00:29:08,663 --> 00:29:12,208
Like we all are filled
with fake boobs and fake butts.
474
00:29:12,250 --> 00:29:13,710
Fake teeth.
475
00:29:13,752 --> 00:29:16,796
Like we're so fake
that when we do finally
476
00:29:16,838 --> 00:29:20,300
end up in a casket,
we probably won't even rot.
477
00:29:23,094 --> 00:29:24,387
Or hundreds of years from now,
478
00:29:24,429 --> 00:29:27,348
they'll be digging up
little sparkling veneers
479
00:29:27,390 --> 00:29:31,269
and deflated plastic sacks,
wondering,
480
00:29:31,311 --> 00:29:34,272
"Was this a cemetery
or a Party City?"
481
00:29:38,902 --> 00:29:39,986
Yeah.
482
00:29:40,028 --> 00:29:43,865
Aging while female is not
for the faint of heart.
483
00:29:43,907 --> 00:29:48,578
I mean, wine of a certain age
is considered rare,
484
00:29:48,620 --> 00:29:51,956
and grapes of a certain age
are considered raisins,
485
00:29:51,998 --> 00:29:56,294
and women of a certain age
are not considered
486
00:29:56,336 --> 00:29:58,880
in Hollywood at all.
487
00:29:58,922 --> 00:30:01,132
Cheers.
488
00:30:04,427 --> 00:30:08,348
I have three 18-year-old cats,
489
00:30:08,389 --> 00:30:12,936
one 12-year-old dog,
and a car from 1978.
490
00:30:12,977 --> 00:30:15,980
We're all just waiting around
to see who dies first.
491
00:30:17,816 --> 00:30:22,695
I was one of those folks
that rescued a dog during COVID.
492
00:30:22,737 --> 00:30:27,242
Yeah, mine came with poor
eyesight and a collapsed anus.
493
00:30:27,283 --> 00:30:28,618
Ooh.
494
00:30:28,660 --> 00:30:30,203
Yeah.
But so did I.
495
00:30:31,746 --> 00:30:35,458
Yeah. Now I can barely
read my texts anymore.
496
00:30:35,500 --> 00:30:39,003
I mean, most people
hear 69 and think sex.
497
00:30:39,045 --> 00:30:40,213
I think font size.
498
00:30:42,632 --> 00:30:45,552
And I have got to be the
only actress in Hollywood
499
00:30:45,593 --> 00:30:48,763
who actually had plastic
surgery on my butthole,
500
00:30:48,805 --> 00:30:50,139
instead of my face.
501
00:30:52,934 --> 00:30:56,437
Anal fissures brought
on by pregnancy.
502
00:30:57,689 --> 00:30:58,940
No, don't feel sorry for me.
503
00:30:58,982 --> 00:31:01,776
My asshole just made
Maxim's Hot 100.
504
00:31:07,073 --> 00:31:10,410
All of this to say,
I've become a cliche.
505
00:31:10,451 --> 00:31:13,955
An old lady with too many
cats, who's also single.
506
00:31:19,627 --> 00:31:21,129
Living alone, I
guess it, you know,
507
00:31:21,170 --> 00:31:25,550
it really hasn't been
easy on me or my sex life.
508
00:31:25,592 --> 00:31:28,803
Although, it's not
like it took a pandemic
509
00:31:28,845 --> 00:31:31,222
for my vagina to be on lockdown.
510
00:31:32,807 --> 00:31:37,395
No, even my Alexa knows
that I'm in a dry spell.
511
00:31:37,437 --> 00:31:39,981
She's heard me so often complain
512
00:31:40,023 --> 00:31:42,817
about having no
sex in a long time.
513
00:31:44,152 --> 00:31:45,737
That once I said,
"Alexa, what's the time?"
514
00:31:45,778 --> 00:31:48,448
And she said, "It
has been a long time.
515
00:31:50,992 --> 00:31:55,163
It was so long ago that
iPhones had a charging port
516
00:31:55,204 --> 00:31:56,456
and a headphone jack.
517
00:31:58,374 --> 00:32:00,877
Yes, even the iPhones'
holes were being
518
00:32:00,919 --> 00:32:03,254
more occupied than yours."
519
00:32:06,633 --> 00:32:09,177
Some would call
that Alexa spying,
520
00:32:10,887 --> 00:32:13,473
but I call it finally getting
some goddamn attention.
521
00:32:14,974 --> 00:32:17,310
Now for my birthday,
she sent me chocolates
522
00:32:17,352 --> 00:32:18,811
and a 10 speed dildo.
523
00:32:20,438 --> 00:32:22,440
With batteries!
524
00:32:26,110 --> 00:32:28,780
I will admit to you that I
am indeed on a dating app.
525
00:32:30,323 --> 00:32:32,116
Well and, not just one.
526
00:32:32,158 --> 00:32:36,496
I'm on Raya, Elite
Singles, and Bumble,
527
00:32:36,537 --> 00:32:39,040
and Celebrities Who
Once Fucked James Bond,
528
00:32:39,082 --> 00:32:40,875
MacGyver and Superman,
But Can't Find a Date
529
00:32:40,917 --> 00:32:43,461
So Have Been Single
for Years.com.
530
00:32:50,176 --> 00:32:55,264
But I do worry that
if you don't use it,
531
00:32:55,306 --> 00:32:56,474
you lose it.
532
00:32:56,516 --> 00:32:57,809
That's what they say.
533
00:32:57,850 --> 00:33:00,895
I know that applies to
my brain and my biceps.
534
00:33:02,063 --> 00:33:04,399
I'm wondering if it
includes my clitoris.
535
00:33:06,776 --> 00:33:09,821
Has my vagina gotten
old, like the rest of me?
536
00:33:10,863 --> 00:33:13,533
Does it meet Botox or fillers?
537
00:33:15,952 --> 00:33:18,496
It definitely needs filling.
538
00:33:23,501 --> 00:33:25,586
How dry is it?
539
00:33:26,921 --> 00:33:30,550
Could we hold Burning Man
in there next year?
540
00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:36,597
These were questions
I needed answered.
541
00:33:36,639 --> 00:33:39,350
I needed my gynecologist
to go down on me.
542
00:33:41,394 --> 00:33:42,770
So I'm in his office
543
00:33:42,812 --> 00:33:46,274
and I'm lying there with
my legs up in the stirrups
544
00:33:46,315 --> 00:33:47,608
and he's rooting around.
545
00:33:48,943 --> 00:33:51,154
And I finally get up
the nerve to ask him,
546
00:33:51,195 --> 00:33:54,449
"Uh, doctor, does
it look like a guy
547
00:33:54,490 --> 00:33:56,325
would have a good
time in there?"
548
00:34:03,082 --> 00:34:06,002
He peeked his head up
over the sheet
549
00:34:06,044 --> 00:34:07,962
that was covering my lap.
550
00:34:08,004 --> 00:34:13,301
And he said, "Teri, you have
a totally average vagina."
551
00:34:17,055 --> 00:34:19,223
Well, does he mean average,
552
00:34:19,265 --> 00:34:22,185
like 49% of women
have better vaginas
553
00:34:22,226 --> 00:34:24,812
and 49% of women
have worse vaginas?
554
00:34:24,854 --> 00:34:27,023
Or does he mean
average like a C,
555
00:34:27,065 --> 00:34:28,941
because I'm not a C student,
556
00:34:28,983 --> 00:34:31,402
and I certainly don't intend
to start with my vagina.
557
00:34:32,904 --> 00:34:34,614
Like, he said he
meant it like it was
558
00:34:34,655 --> 00:34:36,991
just perfectly, normally,
functionally fine.
559
00:34:38,242 --> 00:34:39,869
And I'm, you know,
I'm an honest gal.
560
00:34:39,911 --> 00:34:41,913
So that is how I
introduce myself now.
561
00:34:41,954 --> 00:34:44,582
Hi, I'm Teri. I have a
totally average vagina.
562
00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:51,881
Even my mother, my
86 year old mother,
563
00:34:51,923 --> 00:34:54,509
called me the other
day, so excited.
564
00:34:56,010 --> 00:35:00,264
"Teri, your father and I have
met the most amazing man.
565
00:35:01,974 --> 00:35:05,478
He's single. He used to be a
pilot and he speaks Russian."
566
00:35:07,021 --> 00:35:09,357
So then she said
to me four words
567
00:35:09,398 --> 00:35:13,402
that made me consider
legally emancipating myself,
568
00:35:13,444 --> 00:35:15,321
even though I'm in my 50s.
569
00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:19,534
"Here, talk to him."
570
00:35:19,575 --> 00:35:21,536
Ooh!
571
00:35:21,577 --> 00:35:22,912
Oh yeah.
572
00:35:22,954 --> 00:35:24,914
So, right, you can,
you can picture,
573
00:35:24,956 --> 00:35:28,167
you can picture me going,
"Uh, no, no, no, no Mom, no.
574
00:35:28,209 --> 00:35:30,545
What are you doing? Mom,
Mom, don't hand the phone!
575
00:35:30,586 --> 00:35:31,963
Please don't hand
the phone to..."
576
00:35:32,004 --> 00:35:35,925
"Hello, Teri.
This is Pete,"
577
00:35:35,967 --> 00:35:37,260
or whatever the fuck he said.
578
00:35:37,301 --> 00:35:39,971
I don't remember because
my head was spinning.
579
00:35:40,012 --> 00:35:42,056
My heart was pounding.
My palms were sweaty.
580
00:35:42,098 --> 00:35:44,517
I felt like I was
somewhere between a stroke
581
00:35:44,559 --> 00:35:46,310
and a grizzly attack.
582
00:35:47,687 --> 00:35:51,232
I squeaked out an
awkward, "Hello."
583
00:35:54,152 --> 00:35:58,156
"Teri Hatcher," he
said, "This is so cool!
584
00:35:58,197 --> 00:36:00,575
Your mom's told
me all about you!"
585
00:36:01,742 --> 00:36:03,161
Okay. So let's recap.
586
00:36:03,202 --> 00:36:06,080
I am talking to
a total stranger.
587
00:36:06,122 --> 00:36:08,624
He knows exactly who I am.
588
00:36:08,666 --> 00:36:10,918
Exactly what I look like.
589
00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:13,087
He could have even
masturbated to me
590
00:36:13,129 --> 00:36:14,547
at some point in his life.
591
00:36:15,923 --> 00:36:18,509
It's true. I've been
around a long time.
592
00:36:20,052 --> 00:36:23,014
I said, "Pete, I'm
sure you can appreciate
593
00:36:23,055 --> 00:36:25,892
that this has caught
me a little off guard.
594
00:36:25,933 --> 00:36:28,394
How exactly did
you meet my mom?"
595
00:36:29,729 --> 00:36:32,565
"Oh, we just bumped into
each other in Costco."
596
00:36:35,359 --> 00:36:36,944
Oh my God.
597
00:36:36,986 --> 00:36:40,865
Is my mom just strolling
down the aisles of Costco,
598
00:36:40,907 --> 00:36:44,660
like telling everyone that
her world famous daughter
599
00:36:44,702 --> 00:36:46,871
is so pathetically
in need of a date
600
00:36:46,913 --> 00:36:49,123
that she'll just hand
out my number to any man
601
00:36:49,165 --> 00:36:50,625
without a wedding ring.
602
00:36:51,792 --> 00:36:53,419
I hear my mom in
the background, yelling,
603
00:36:53,461 --> 00:36:55,463
"Speak Russian to her!"
604
00:36:56,380 --> 00:36:58,716
I mean the only thing
Russian I want right now
605
00:36:58,758 --> 00:37:00,551
is a case of vodka.
606
00:37:02,345 --> 00:37:04,722
I said, "Pete, could you put
my mom back on the phone?"
607
00:37:04,764 --> 00:37:07,433
She told me she was texting me
a picture.
608
00:37:07,475 --> 00:37:09,727
I got the picture.
609
00:37:09,769 --> 00:37:11,729
Actually, Pete was kind of cute.
610
00:37:13,522 --> 00:37:15,775
But then I looked closer.
611
00:37:15,816 --> 00:37:17,193
I zoomed in on the photo
612
00:37:17,235 --> 00:37:20,780
and I could see
that he was wearing
613
00:37:22,448 --> 00:37:24,408
a Costco name tag.
614
00:37:33,125 --> 00:37:36,963
Oh, my whole career,
tabloids have made me
615
00:37:37,004 --> 00:37:41,175
a headline of some kind,
sometimes on a red carpet,
616
00:37:41,217 --> 00:37:44,971
pumping gas, but lately,
617
00:37:45,012 --> 00:37:47,515
lately, now
the headline is,
618
00:37:48,724 --> 00:37:50,601
"Have You Seen Her Lately?"
619
00:37:52,311 --> 00:37:55,648
Wow.
She's really aged.
620
00:37:55,690 --> 00:37:57,191
Ooh.
621
00:37:57,233 --> 00:38:00,695
What happened to her?
622
00:38:00,736 --> 00:38:02,655
Really?
623
00:38:02,697 --> 00:38:05,199
Yeah.
Well, I'll tell you.
624
00:38:05,241 --> 00:38:07,618
I'll tell you
what happened to me.
625
00:38:10,663 --> 00:38:11,956
I got married.
I got divorced.
626
00:38:11,998 --> 00:38:14,458
I had a hit TV show.
I did some movies.
627
00:38:14,500 --> 00:38:16,585
I got married again.
I grew a baby inside me.
628
00:38:16,627 --> 00:38:19,046
I moved to New York.
I took a toddler on the subway.
629
00:38:19,088 --> 00:38:21,257
I got divorced again.
I had another hit TV show.
630
00:38:21,299 --> 00:38:23,718
I won some awards.
I raised money for charities.
631
00:38:23,759 --> 00:38:25,136
I went to cooking school.
632
00:38:25,177 --> 00:38:27,096
I won Chopped and
The Great British Bake-Off.
633
00:38:27,138 --> 00:38:30,057
I ran two marathons.
I parented a beautiful human.
634
00:38:30,099 --> 00:38:33,728
I cared for aging parents.
I took care of friends.
635
00:38:33,769 --> 00:38:35,313
Friends took care of me.
636
00:38:35,354 --> 00:38:37,106
I taught myself to play piano
637
00:38:37,148 --> 00:38:40,735
and I survived celibacy
for a fucking year
638
00:38:40,776 --> 00:38:43,237
alone in a pandemic.
639
00:38:47,116 --> 00:38:49,285
So, yeah, life.
640
00:38:49,327 --> 00:38:51,203
That's what happened to me.
641
00:38:51,245 --> 00:38:53,789
Thank you guys so much!
642
00:38:53,831 --> 00:38:57,251
You have been
way more than average!
643
00:38:58,878 --> 00:39:00,171
Good night!
644
00:39:03,883 --> 00:39:06,052
When you get onstage,
645
00:39:06,093 --> 00:39:10,723
it doesn't matter who the hell
you're following, you own it.
646
00:39:10,765 --> 00:39:12,183
You own that stage.
647
00:39:12,224 --> 00:39:14,101
I got to tell you,
I've walked into clubs
648
00:39:14,143 --> 00:39:15,603
and you know, it's,
they'll still look at the guide
649
00:39:15,644 --> 00:39:17,521
and go, "Are you the headliner,"
looking at the feature!
650
00:39:17,563 --> 00:39:20,608
And I'm like,
"I'm your headliner."
651
00:39:20,649 --> 00:39:22,485
And then I prove it.
652
00:39:39,001 --> 00:39:41,003
Whoo!
653
00:39:41,045 --> 00:39:43,339
I'm loving this.
654
00:39:43,381 --> 00:39:46,675
Can I share something
with y'all?
655
00:39:46,717 --> 00:39:48,886
I went to my doctor last week
656
00:39:48,928 --> 00:39:52,640
and he said no caffeine,
657
00:39:52,681 --> 00:39:54,725
no fatty foods,
658
00:39:54,767 --> 00:39:57,269
no alcohol.
659
00:39:57,311 --> 00:39:58,771
I said, no copay.
660
00:40:05,778 --> 00:40:07,738
Not paying to hear heresy, sir.
661
00:40:10,408 --> 00:40:12,993
I really just wanted
to do this the easy way.
662
00:40:13,035 --> 00:40:17,248
Right? I wanted to get some
Botox, some liposuction.
663
00:40:17,289 --> 00:40:20,292
But what's in the budget
is self-acceptance.
664
00:40:26,841 --> 00:40:28,259
So, you know, I,
I went shopping,
665
00:40:28,300 --> 00:40:30,302
just to buy a couple
of things that, that fit
666
00:40:30,344 --> 00:40:34,682
and I, I forgot
how frustrating that is.
667
00:40:34,723 --> 00:40:35,850
Right?
668
00:40:35,891 --> 00:40:37,268
Like I still, I still
don't understand
669
00:40:37,309 --> 00:40:41,480
why women's clothes
start at size zero.
670
00:40:42,982 --> 00:40:47,278
You're not a size zero,
if people can see you.
671
00:40:55,494 --> 00:41:00,332
It doesn't help that I'm, I'm
at that awkward age right now
672
00:41:00,374 --> 00:41:04,837
where police officers are
starting to look really young.
673
00:41:07,506 --> 00:41:11,302
Y'all, I saw one little cop
the other day.
674
00:41:13,304 --> 00:41:15,848
He looked so young I thought
he was trick or treating.
675
00:41:21,187 --> 00:41:24,815
I was like, "Hey, little boy,
you want some candy?"
676
00:41:31,363 --> 00:41:32,823
I got arrested.
677
00:41:37,328 --> 00:41:41,957
But you know, it's hard
to tell how old somebody is
678
00:41:41,999 --> 00:41:44,293
just by looking at them, right?
679
00:41:44,335 --> 00:41:46,212
Like, like for old people,
680
00:41:46,253 --> 00:41:49,381
everybody younger than them
is a millennial.
681
00:41:52,927 --> 00:41:54,386
For young people,
682
00:41:54,428 --> 00:41:56,847
everybody older than them
fought in the Civil War.
683
00:42:01,352 --> 00:42:05,856
For me, any Black dude over 70
is a Tuskegee Airman.
684
00:42:09,527 --> 00:42:11,487
Like whenever
I see one I'm like,
685
00:42:11,529 --> 00:42:13,405
"Oh my God, thank you
for your service!"
686
00:42:18,035 --> 00:42:20,454
You know, I'm learning that,
687
00:42:20,496 --> 00:42:23,457
that we don't age
all at once, right?
688
00:42:23,499 --> 00:42:27,836
Different body parts age faster
than others, right?
689
00:42:27,878 --> 00:42:28,963
Yeah. Yeah.
690
00:42:29,004 --> 00:42:31,757
Like my taste buds?
Still tasting.
691
00:42:34,176 --> 00:42:36,095
My colon?
692
00:42:45,479 --> 00:42:47,022
Not a team player.
693
00:42:53,904 --> 00:42:54,947
But different parts of the body
694
00:42:54,989 --> 00:42:57,741
age faster than
others, right?
695
00:42:57,783 --> 00:42:59,243
Like my heart?
696
00:42:59,285 --> 00:43:01,996
Still young.
697
00:43:02,037 --> 00:43:03,080
My knees?
698
00:43:03,122 --> 00:43:05,374
Ooh!
Hoo-hoo!
699
00:43:05,416 --> 00:43:08,752
Apparently my knees walked
to freedom with Harriet Tubman.
700
00:43:13,591 --> 00:43:17,136
Y'all, I call my knees
the Middle East.
701
00:43:17,177 --> 00:43:19,471
Because no matter what
I do, there's no peace.
702
00:43:23,767 --> 00:43:28,147
My, my doctor, my doctor
told me to take Osteo Bi-Flex.
703
00:43:28,188 --> 00:43:29,815
And it works, right?
704
00:43:29,857 --> 00:43:31,775
Like I don't hear my knees
cracking anymore, right?
705
00:43:31,817 --> 00:43:34,820
But now I'm afraid that's
'cause I'm losing my hearing.
706
00:43:40,117 --> 00:43:42,620
But I will, I will
admit to you guys
707
00:43:42,661 --> 00:43:46,832
that age is a touchy subject
for me, right?
708
00:43:46,874 --> 00:43:50,377
'Cause there's a, there's
a TV show called Younger, right?
709
00:43:50,419 --> 00:43:53,172
Where in order to
find and keep a job,
710
00:43:53,213 --> 00:43:55,257
a white woman in her 40s
711
00:43:55,299 --> 00:43:57,968
pretends to be in her 20s.
712
00:43:58,510 --> 00:44:02,097
Because white women age so well?
713
00:44:14,610 --> 00:44:17,988
See, I don't understand
how the star of that show
714
00:44:18,030 --> 00:44:19,907
is not a Black woman.
715
00:44:21,116 --> 00:44:24,036
Aging well is what we do.
716
00:44:30,793 --> 00:44:34,880
I mean, c'mon.
Angela Bassett is 209.
717
00:44:40,094 --> 00:44:41,553
I'm 87!
718
00:44:48,060 --> 00:44:49,269
Actually, you know what?
719
00:44:49,311 --> 00:44:51,522
I was, I was taught
that it's impolite
720
00:44:51,563 --> 00:44:53,816
to ask a woman her age, right?
721
00:44:53,857 --> 00:44:54,858
But it happens.
722
00:44:54,900 --> 00:44:58,028
So now whenever a man
asks me how old I am,
723
00:44:58,070 --> 00:45:00,531
I ask him if he's good in bed.
724
00:45:03,325 --> 00:45:06,161
See, that way we both know
we're about to lie.
725
00:45:12,751 --> 00:45:14,920
You know what,
how about, how about this?
726
00:45:14,962 --> 00:45:17,506
How about, because it
really tells you nothing
727
00:45:17,548 --> 00:45:22,469
substantive about who I am
regarding age.
728
00:45:22,511 --> 00:45:26,140
I just say
I'm a seasoned woman.
729
00:45:29,601 --> 00:45:33,105
Which basically means
I'm delicious.
730
00:45:38,068 --> 00:45:40,571
And I'm probably gonna
raise your blood pressure.
731
00:45:45,826 --> 00:45:47,327
Real talk though.
Real talk.
732
00:45:47,369 --> 00:45:49,621
I don't, I don't
like sharing my age
733
00:45:49,663 --> 00:45:52,374
because I feel like it
gives people another way
734
00:45:52,416 --> 00:45:55,377
to discriminate against me.
Right?
735
00:45:55,419 --> 00:45:58,797
Like I got the hang of racism
and sexism, I got that.
736
00:45:58,839 --> 00:46:03,051
Now you throw in ageism,
now I'm Trinity in the Matrix.
737
00:46:06,388 --> 00:46:10,267
And I just took
the red pill, right?
738
00:46:10,309 --> 00:46:12,311
I mean, one of my
biggest fears is
739
00:46:12,352 --> 00:46:14,062
that I will be
brutally murdered.
740
00:46:14,104 --> 00:46:17,816
It will make the news.
And they will say my age.
741
00:46:20,194 --> 00:46:22,112
Leighann Lord, 87.
742
00:46:24,323 --> 00:46:26,617
So it's not bad enough
that I'm dead.
743
00:46:26,658 --> 00:46:27,868
But now the whole world knows
744
00:46:27,910 --> 00:46:30,329
that I am four score
and seven.
745
00:46:32,331 --> 00:46:34,124
Thank you, Anderson Cooper.
746
00:46:39,713 --> 00:46:41,924
That's a lot of
self-esteem, right?
747
00:46:41,965 --> 00:46:46,011
To think that my murder
will make CNN primetime?
748
00:46:47,846 --> 00:46:50,182
Shout out to my vision board.
749
00:46:56,146 --> 00:46:58,732
I got to tell y'all,
according to my vision board,
750
00:46:58,774 --> 00:47:02,569
tomorrow me is amazing.
751
00:47:02,611 --> 00:47:04,363
All right,
she gonna get up early.
752
00:47:04,404 --> 00:47:06,281
She gon' eat right.
753
00:47:06,323 --> 00:47:08,784
She gon' exercise
754
00:47:08,826 --> 00:47:11,328
and be married to Jason Momoa.
755
00:47:16,333 --> 00:47:17,626
And you know what?
756
00:47:17,668 --> 00:47:21,713
If, if anyone in here doesn't
know who Jason Momoa is,
757
00:47:21,755 --> 00:47:24,758
let, let me fill
that void in your life.
758
00:47:26,009 --> 00:47:30,180
Jason Momoa is the actor
who played Aquaman.
759
00:47:31,682 --> 00:47:34,226
Yeah, yes, even the men
are moist now.
760
00:47:39,773 --> 00:47:43,610
I saw the movie and I
was a little confused
761
00:47:43,652 --> 00:47:48,407
because somebody told me
that Aquaman had a plot.
762
00:47:57,291 --> 00:47:59,084
I don't remember that.
763
00:48:02,045 --> 00:48:06,800
I remember Jason Momoa
came on screen,
764
00:48:06,842 --> 00:48:11,263
two hours and 22 minutes later,
I knew how to swim.
765
00:48:17,769 --> 00:48:22,900
Now I, I really wasn't into
the whole superhero thing
766
00:48:22,941 --> 00:48:25,485
until I saw Black Panther.
767
00:48:29,114 --> 00:48:34,077
Y'all, I saw Black Panther
opening weekend.
768
00:48:34,119 --> 00:48:38,707
And I had not seen that many
happy Black people
769
00:48:38,749 --> 00:48:43,420
in one place since
election day, 2008.
770
00:48:52,971 --> 00:48:57,225
The line, the line to get
into the theater was so long.
771
00:48:57,267 --> 00:48:58,393
I got excited.
772
00:48:58,435 --> 00:49:01,313
I was like, are we voting?
What?
773
00:49:06,026 --> 00:49:11,448
One of my, one of my favorite
lines from Black Panther is,
774
00:49:11,490 --> 00:49:15,285
"Be silent, colonizer."
775
00:49:15,327 --> 00:49:16,745
Ooh.
776
00:49:16,787 --> 00:49:20,290
That's how I be getting
through these Zoom meetings.
777
00:49:27,172 --> 00:49:30,467
And that's how you teach
critical race theory.
778
00:49:35,722 --> 00:49:40,852
But my, my favorite
superhero movie is Harriet.
779
00:49:41,645 --> 00:49:44,523
Yes, the movie about
Harriet Tubman.
780
00:49:44,564 --> 00:49:45,607
Yes.
781
00:49:47,567 --> 00:49:49,945
And I'll tell you
the part of the film that,
782
00:49:49,987 --> 00:49:53,490
that really moved me,
is when she escapes,
783
00:49:53,532 --> 00:49:56,159
she's free, she goes back home
784
00:49:56,201 --> 00:49:58,829
one year later
to rescue her husband
785
00:49:58,870 --> 00:50:03,375
and finds that he is already
married to another woman.
786
00:50:04,501 --> 00:50:08,130
Now to her credit,
she took it well.
787
00:50:08,171 --> 00:50:09,381
I did not.
788
00:50:13,927 --> 00:50:16,513
Because I was like, if that
had happened to Harriet Tubman,
789
00:50:16,555 --> 00:50:19,558
that could happen to me.
790
00:50:19,599 --> 00:50:20,892
I leave.
I come back.
791
00:50:20,934 --> 00:50:22,561
He's married.
Talkin' 'bout,
792
00:50:22,602 --> 00:50:23,979
"Baby, I didn't know
where you went.
793
00:50:24,021 --> 00:50:26,982
I didn't know
how long you'd be gone."
794
00:50:27,024 --> 00:50:29,568
Motherfucker, I went to work.
795
00:50:38,660 --> 00:50:41,413
I left this morning.
796
00:50:47,502 --> 00:50:48,962
I have to tell you guys,
797
00:50:49,004 --> 00:50:51,673
I was incredibly thrilled
798
00:50:51,715 --> 00:50:55,927
and honored to be invited
to do this show.
799
00:51:01,850 --> 00:51:06,980
Because women, we are,
we are 52% of the population.
800
00:51:08,148 --> 00:51:12,652
Right? But we only make
85 cents on the dollar.
801
00:51:12,694 --> 00:51:15,238
That's why I don't feel bad
about shoplifting.
802
00:51:21,161 --> 00:51:23,955
Now Black women,
we only make
803
00:51:23,997 --> 00:51:26,500
65 cents on the dollar.
804
00:51:26,541 --> 00:51:27,751
Right? Right.
805
00:51:27,793 --> 00:51:30,212
So that means if I told a joke
that you didn't like,
806
00:51:30,253 --> 00:51:33,423
that's 'cause I only wrote
65% of it.
807
00:51:36,259 --> 00:51:40,597
Now I know 65%, that doesn't
sound too bad, right?
808
00:51:40,639 --> 00:51:43,350
But in, in fairy tale terms,
809
00:51:43,391 --> 00:51:47,270
that's Snow White
and the Four and a Half Dwarfs.
810
00:51:49,564 --> 00:51:52,400
That is insufficient.
811
00:51:52,442 --> 00:51:55,570
I need a full set of Dwarfs.
812
00:51:55,612 --> 00:51:58,740
Yes.
One for each appendage.
813
00:51:58,782 --> 00:52:01,576
Like Grumpy, Happy,
Dopey, Doc,
814
00:52:01,618 --> 00:52:05,956
Sleepy, Sneezy...
Bashful.
815
00:52:13,004 --> 00:52:15,632
Stop crying, Bashful.
You know what it is.
816
00:52:20,220 --> 00:52:24,099
But I wanna, I want to ask
y'all a question before I go.
817
00:52:24,141 --> 00:52:26,059
By round of applause,
round of applause,
818
00:52:26,101 --> 00:52:29,771
how many of you here would agree
that time is money?
819
00:52:29,813 --> 00:52:31,690
Applaud if you believe
time is money.
820
00:52:36,611 --> 00:52:39,364
So then I have a proposal.
821
00:52:41,199 --> 00:52:45,620
If they're not going to pay me
all my money on the dollar,
822
00:52:45,662 --> 00:52:49,833
then I have to take back
my time, right?
823
00:52:49,875 --> 00:52:52,127
So that 12-hour shift
is now eight,
824
00:52:52,169 --> 00:52:53,795
nine to five is nine to two,
825
00:52:53,837 --> 00:52:57,382
and my weekend starts
on Wednesday.
826
00:53:04,723 --> 00:53:06,725
All those in favor, say aye.
827
00:53:06,766 --> 00:53:08,185
Aye!
828
00:53:08,226 --> 00:53:10,020
The ayes have it.
The motion carries.
829
00:53:10,061 --> 00:53:12,647
And the Senator from Wakanda
reclaims her time.
830
00:53:12,689 --> 00:53:16,526
Thank you.
Good night.
831
00:53:24,242 --> 00:53:27,746
So I'm in Dyersburg, Tennessee,
at a place called Checkers.
832
00:53:27,787 --> 00:53:30,373
And had advertised me
as XXX.
833
00:53:30,415 --> 00:53:33,210
So I got a guy in the front row
and he just keeps saying,
834
00:53:33,251 --> 00:53:36,296
"Are you ever taking
your clothes off?"
835
00:53:36,338 --> 00:53:39,090
Because he thought it was
like comedy strip show
836
00:53:39,132 --> 00:53:40,383
'cause of the XXX.
837
00:53:40,425 --> 00:53:41,343
-Oh no.
-Yeah.
838
00:53:41,384 --> 00:53:42,969
And I just looked at him.
I said, "Dude,"
839
00:53:43,011 --> 00:53:44,137
I was much heavier, I said,
840
00:53:44,179 --> 00:53:46,097
"If I spin around a pole,
I'll strike oil,
841
00:53:46,139 --> 00:53:47,432
ya dumb bastard."
842
00:53:55,357 --> 00:53:58,443
Wow, thank you!
What a great response!
843
00:53:59,319 --> 00:54:02,697
I only know one way
to respond to that.
844
00:54:04,491 --> 00:54:06,159
Thank you!
845
00:54:06,201 --> 00:54:08,161
Well, first of all,
I'm delighted to be here.
846
00:54:08,203 --> 00:54:09,955
I'm delighted to be out
847
00:54:09,996 --> 00:54:13,583
because I've been locked up
for 14 months with no wiener.
848
00:54:14,960 --> 00:54:17,462
I've been alone in my
house for 14 months.
849
00:54:17,504 --> 00:54:18,463
It's been amazing.
850
00:54:18,505 --> 00:54:20,757
In fact, I'm pretty sure
my hymen's grown back.
851
00:54:23,176 --> 00:54:24,844
Right before a lockdown,
you know what I had?
852
00:54:24,886 --> 00:54:26,763
The hang and bang.
The hang and bang.
853
00:54:26,805 --> 00:54:29,182
Dick, Netflix and some
breakfast burritos.
854
00:54:29,224 --> 00:54:30,725
That was it.
Right?
855
00:54:30,767 --> 00:54:32,143
'Cause I was dating
little dudes.
856
00:54:32,185 --> 00:54:36,147
So I gotta be honest
with you, that you know,
857
00:54:36,189 --> 00:54:40,443
when you date much younger
people as a woman,
858
00:54:40,485 --> 00:54:42,070
it's not fun.
859
00:54:42,112 --> 00:54:44,364
Because for women,
sex is mental.
860
00:54:44,406 --> 00:54:48,159
You want to get into our bed,
you got to get into our head.
861
00:54:48,201 --> 00:54:52,247
You got to smell nice.
You got to dress good.
862
00:54:52,289 --> 00:54:54,124
You got to play good music.
863
00:54:54,165 --> 00:54:56,167
Little dudes don't do that.
864
00:54:56,209 --> 00:54:57,836
They don't, you know
what they think they do?
865
00:54:57,877 --> 00:55:00,005
They get manscaped.
I don't want to see that.
866
00:55:00,046 --> 00:55:03,174
All shaved down there
like a little baby bird.
867
00:55:04,259 --> 00:55:06,720
I don't want to see that.
868
00:55:06,761 --> 00:55:08,596
I want to see a man,
a real man.
869
00:55:08,638 --> 00:55:10,056
You're a man.
870
00:55:10,098 --> 00:55:11,683
I'm not flirting,
but he's age appropriate.
871
00:55:11,725 --> 00:55:13,310
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
872
00:55:13,351 --> 00:55:15,270
But I'm a woman
of a certain age.
873
00:55:15,312 --> 00:55:16,855
I want, you're in man pants.
874
00:55:16,896 --> 00:55:18,398
You're in pants
with a fly and a button.
875
00:55:18,440 --> 00:55:20,108
You're not sitting there
in jeggings.
876
00:55:20,150 --> 00:55:22,402
A little moose knuckle.
No, you're a grown-ass man.
877
00:55:22,444 --> 00:55:24,696
They can fix shit.
You got tools, don't you?
878
00:55:24,738 --> 00:55:26,281
You got tools.
Look at him.
879
00:55:26,323 --> 00:55:28,825
He's like, yeah.
I'm moist as a Bundt cake.
880
00:55:28,867 --> 00:55:32,412
I'm not flirting,
but that's so sexy.
881
00:55:32,454 --> 00:55:33,580
Sexy!
882
00:55:33,621 --> 00:55:35,707
I'm looking at you,
little dude, not interested.
883
00:55:35,749 --> 00:55:37,042
You know what I mean?
884
00:55:37,083 --> 00:55:38,585
You're cute.
You're cute.
885
00:55:38,626 --> 00:55:41,546
You know what's good about
dating a guy like him?
886
00:55:41,588 --> 00:55:43,465
You don't have to break up
with him, you don't.
887
00:55:43,506 --> 00:55:46,176
You just stop buying groceries.
You know what I mean?
888
00:55:46,217 --> 00:55:48,636
They're like giant
entitled raccoons.
889
00:55:48,678 --> 00:55:49,888
Who needs that?
890
00:55:49,929 --> 00:55:51,514
I want a real man.
891
00:55:51,556 --> 00:55:54,559
I want to-- I think I dated
young, strong, virile men
892
00:55:54,601 --> 00:55:58,063
because I thought that that
was accomplishment, success.
893
00:55:58,104 --> 00:56:00,732
That you could protect me,
but it's not.
894
00:56:00,774 --> 00:56:02,817
I want spiritual success.
895
00:56:02,859 --> 00:56:04,778
I want real accomplishment.
896
00:56:04,819 --> 00:56:07,447
Saggy balls.
I want saggy balls.
897
00:56:08,615 --> 00:56:10,408
That's wisdom, my man.
898
00:56:10,450 --> 00:56:12,869
It's like rings
on a tree, baby.
899
00:56:16,331 --> 00:56:19,793
I believe in like
envisioning what you want,
900
00:56:19,834 --> 00:56:20,794
deciding what you want.
901
00:56:20,835 --> 00:56:23,296
I've given him a name.
Larry.
902
00:56:23,338 --> 00:56:25,256
You know with like
a little Jew fro,
903
00:56:25,298 --> 00:56:28,885
maybe like a bald spot in the
back he covers with hairspray.
904
00:56:28,927 --> 00:56:32,138
The universe loves specificity.
905
00:56:32,180 --> 00:56:34,182
The Larr Bear.
906
00:56:34,224 --> 00:56:36,935
He golfs.
Maybe he's got a black Tesla.
907
00:56:36,976 --> 00:56:38,395
You know what I mean?
908
00:56:38,436 --> 00:56:39,979
You know those guys,
those little wiry fucks.
909
00:56:40,021 --> 00:56:41,272
You know those
little wiry, hairy guys
910
00:56:41,314 --> 00:56:42,774
that looked like they
were like dipped in glue
911
00:56:42,816 --> 00:56:43,858
and rolled in pubes.
912
00:56:43,900 --> 00:56:46,736
You know those guys.
I want that guy.
913
00:56:49,406 --> 00:56:51,324
I've had a lot of time
to think about this.
914
00:56:51,366 --> 00:56:52,700
I've been alone 14 months.
915
00:56:52,742 --> 00:56:53,952
I'm like a free range chicken.
916
00:56:53,993 --> 00:56:55,745
I just let everything go.
917
00:56:55,787 --> 00:56:57,497
My hair grew out.
Fuck it.
918
00:56:57,539 --> 00:57:00,166
That's what brown magic
marker's for, I don't care.
919
00:57:00,208 --> 00:57:01,251
Yeah.
My little waxer.
920
00:57:01,292 --> 00:57:03,002
I don't miss that little bitch.
921
00:57:03,044 --> 00:57:04,796
Ripping my pubes out
from the roots.
922
00:57:04,838 --> 00:57:06,965
Fuck her.
I'm not going back.
923
00:57:07,006 --> 00:57:08,883
I look like I have
Colin Kaepernick
924
00:57:08,925 --> 00:57:09,884
in a thigh lock.
925
00:57:09,926 --> 00:57:12,929
I'm not--
I don't care!
926
00:57:14,973 --> 00:57:16,683
I don't care.
927
00:57:18,643 --> 00:57:21,855
No, I'll take some scissors
to it soon.
928
00:57:21,896 --> 00:57:23,481
You know what I mean?
929
00:57:23,523 --> 00:57:26,067
And then I'm going analog.
I'm going BIC razor and Nair,
930
00:57:26,109 --> 00:57:29,779
and who wears short shorts,
but I'm not ready yet.
931
00:57:29,821 --> 00:57:30,947
It was like feng shui.
932
00:57:30,989 --> 00:57:32,282
If you build it,
they will come.
933
00:57:32,323 --> 00:57:34,492
You know what I mean?
Like I'm not ready yet.
934
00:57:34,534 --> 00:57:36,786
I'm gearing up
for the Larr Bear.
935
00:57:38,329 --> 00:57:39,706
I'm excited about--
I believe in this stuff.
936
00:57:39,747 --> 00:57:41,082
I believe in manifesting.
937
00:57:41,124 --> 00:57:43,209
And I've had a lot of time
to CSI my life.
938
00:57:43,251 --> 00:57:45,336
Yeah, I've been married
and divorced three times.
939
00:57:45,378 --> 00:57:47,046
Fuck it.
I don't care.
940
00:57:47,088 --> 00:57:48,923
There's no shame in my game.
941
00:57:48,965 --> 00:57:50,425
It's better to be divorced
942
00:57:50,467 --> 00:57:53,344
than plotting someone's death
in their sleep, okay?
943
00:57:53,386 --> 00:57:55,138
That's true.
'Cause the little dudes,
944
00:57:55,180 --> 00:57:57,474
it's different
because it's not fulfilling.
945
00:57:57,515 --> 00:57:59,434
Because for women,
like I said before,
946
00:57:59,476 --> 00:58:03,354
sex is mental and we have
different types of the Big O
947
00:58:03,396 --> 00:58:06,399
and it's been so long since
I've had like a big, Big O.
948
00:58:06,441 --> 00:58:07,942
Am I embarrassing you?
949
00:58:08,943 --> 00:58:10,361
No, because you don't,
950
00:58:10,403 --> 00:58:11,696
you don't even know
what I'm talking about.
951
00:58:13,072 --> 00:58:16,159
That's why you're
not embarrassed.
952
00:58:16,201 --> 00:58:17,535
No, I thought about it.
I thought about it.
953
00:58:17,577 --> 00:58:20,038
Like, like men have
one type of the Big O.
954
00:58:20,079 --> 00:58:21,456
It's just like a sneeze,
955
00:58:21,498 --> 00:58:23,708
like a delicious
ahh-choo, like that.
956
00:58:29,881 --> 00:58:31,466
I love the way women laugh.
957
00:58:31,508 --> 00:58:34,010
Like, "Tell them, Monique,
tell them!
958
00:58:34,052 --> 00:58:35,887
Tell them!"
959
00:58:38,681 --> 00:58:41,434
Women get dicky drunk.
You know, women.
960
00:58:41,476 --> 00:58:43,061
We do, we get dicky drunk.
961
00:58:43,102 --> 00:58:45,104
We get, we get drunk
from the wiener.
962
00:58:45,146 --> 00:58:46,940
When you have,
963
00:58:46,981 --> 00:58:49,192
when you have one
Big O, you know,
964
00:58:49,234 --> 00:58:50,527
first of all,
you know how you know
965
00:58:50,568 --> 00:58:52,362
that it was like
the one big one?
966
00:58:52,403 --> 00:58:54,614
She giggles when she's done.
967
00:58:54,656 --> 00:58:56,908
She goes, "hee hee,"
like that.
968
00:58:59,118 --> 00:59:00,995
And then we get out of bed
and we like wobble.
969
00:59:01,037 --> 00:59:02,372
Not just 'cause
our knees are weak,
970
00:59:02,413 --> 00:59:04,582
but because we're
under the influence
971
00:59:04,624 --> 00:59:08,586
of an entire experience
of you trying to make us happy.
972
00:59:08,628 --> 00:59:12,006
When we run into a door
that's been there for ten years.
973
00:59:16,511 --> 00:59:18,012
Someone with
a lump on her head
974
00:59:18,054 --> 00:59:20,056
right there in the front row.
975
00:59:20,098 --> 00:59:22,392
Amen.
Can I get a witness?
976
00:59:22,433 --> 00:59:24,394
Yeah. Yeah!
977
00:59:24,435 --> 00:59:27,355
That never happened
with the little dudes.
978
00:59:27,397 --> 00:59:29,399
Never happened with
the little dudes.
979
00:59:29,440 --> 00:59:31,901
And you can't train them.
It takes too long.
980
00:59:33,027 --> 00:59:34,445
And I tell my nieces this.
981
00:59:34,487 --> 00:59:35,863
I have little nieces,
little bitches.
982
00:59:35,905 --> 00:59:37,031
I love them.
983
00:59:37,073 --> 00:59:38,324
No, I love them.
984
00:59:38,366 --> 00:59:40,660
But I call him that sometimes
because they make me feel old.
985
00:59:40,702 --> 00:59:42,120
My, my nieces,
they come up to me.
986
00:59:42,161 --> 00:59:43,496
They go, "Auntie Monique,
987
00:59:43,538 --> 00:59:45,915
tell us what it was like
in the 1900s."
988
00:59:47,417 --> 00:59:49,794
Like it's fuckin' Downton Abbey
and me,
989
00:59:49,836 --> 00:59:52,380
you know what I mean?
990
00:59:52,422 --> 00:59:53,590
But I want them to learn things
991
00:59:53,631 --> 00:59:56,801
because it doesn't matter
if it's a career
992
00:59:56,843 --> 01:00:00,221
or even just a job,
or a relationship, or sex,
993
01:00:00,263 --> 01:00:04,017
whatever it is,
we've lost our ability
994
01:00:04,058 --> 01:00:08,104
to appreciate
deferred gratification.
995
01:00:08,146 --> 01:00:10,189
That we can't get what we want
996
01:00:10,231 --> 01:00:12,859
in the exact second
that we want it.
997
01:00:12,900 --> 01:00:15,528
And life was sweeter when
you had to wait for things.
998
01:00:15,570 --> 01:00:17,071
I tell them about layaway.
999
01:00:17,113 --> 01:00:18,156
They thought
it was a dating app.
1000
01:00:25,538 --> 01:00:28,416
But I tell them things that
they need to know how fortunate
1001
01:00:28,458 --> 01:00:31,210
they are to live in a world
of miracles, you know?
1002
01:00:31,252 --> 01:00:33,129
They love my mom.
They call her Abuelita.
1003
01:00:33,171 --> 01:00:35,381
They go, "Abuelita's so sweet.
1004
01:00:35,423 --> 01:00:36,758
"Abuelita bought me a device.
1005
01:00:36,799 --> 01:00:38,801
Abuelita did this.
Abuelita did that."
1006
01:00:38,843 --> 01:00:40,386
I go, "You want me to tell
you a secret about Abuelita?"
1007
01:00:40,428 --> 01:00:41,679
They're like, "Yeah."
1008
01:00:41,721 --> 01:00:43,931
I go, "She used to beat me
in grocery stores."
1009
01:00:45,600 --> 01:00:47,435
I just like to throw them off.
Remember that?
1010
01:00:47,477 --> 01:00:49,520
Remember when you
could hit your kids?
1011
01:00:49,562 --> 01:00:51,147
My nieces have
never been spanked.
1012
01:00:51,189 --> 01:00:52,398
They have no idea what it is
1013
01:00:52,440 --> 01:00:54,150
to take a beat down
in the produce department.
1014
01:00:55,693 --> 01:00:57,987
Nobody takes pictures
or calls CPS.
1015
01:00:58,029 --> 01:01:00,114
Hell no.
They don't do that.
1016
01:01:00,156 --> 01:01:02,367
They join in in the beat down.
1017
01:01:02,408 --> 01:01:03,868
They're like,
"I heard what that kid said.
1018
01:01:03,910 --> 01:01:06,120
That's a lippy little bitch.
Hit her harder."
1019
01:01:08,164 --> 01:01:09,916
But I digress.
1020
01:01:12,168 --> 01:01:13,961
They love music.
We love music.
1021
01:01:14,003 --> 01:01:15,421
We share a love of music.
1022
01:01:15,463 --> 01:01:17,507
They're so adorable
because I'm trying
1023
01:01:17,548 --> 01:01:19,509
to make like a,
like a mixtape,
1024
01:01:19,550 --> 01:01:21,177
like what they call
them, a playlist.
1025
01:01:21,219 --> 01:01:23,888
Now it's a playlist.
1026
01:01:23,930 --> 01:01:25,390
Playlist, you know?
1027
01:01:25,431 --> 01:01:27,475
'Cause I like putting it
out there to the universe
1028
01:01:27,517 --> 01:01:31,312
that I'm making
a Larr Bear love tape.
1029
01:01:31,354 --> 01:01:33,231
It's hard.
It's hard, 'cause all the people
1030
01:01:33,272 --> 01:01:35,233
that I used to like
to hump to are dead.
1031
01:01:36,818 --> 01:01:38,236
It's true.
1032
01:01:38,277 --> 01:01:39,821
I got used to Marvin Gaye
of course, but you know,
1033
01:01:39,862 --> 01:01:41,739
everybody went down, you know,
Prince, Michael Jackson,
1034
01:01:41,781 --> 01:01:43,950
Donna Summer, Natalie Cole,
it just keeps going.
1035
01:01:43,991 --> 01:01:47,203
George Michael, bam, bam,
Luther Vandross, bam.
1036
01:01:47,245 --> 01:01:48,746
And my little nieces are like,
1037
01:01:48,788 --> 01:01:50,373
"Well you can, you can
do it to Ed Sheeran."
1038
01:01:50,415 --> 01:01:52,625
No, you can't,
he's a little redheaded Muppet.
1039
01:01:52,667 --> 01:01:54,043
I can't have sex to him.
1040
01:01:59,257 --> 01:02:01,551
Sexy.
1041
01:02:01,592 --> 01:02:03,845
But we talk a lot about music.
We do.
1042
01:02:03,886 --> 01:02:06,597
That's where we,
you find the commonality.
1043
01:02:06,639 --> 01:02:09,642
You find the things you both
love, you find touch points,
1044
01:02:09,684 --> 01:02:12,687
and then you can have
real conversations with people.
1045
01:02:12,729 --> 01:02:14,272
And I find
that my nieces and I,
1046
01:02:14,313 --> 01:02:16,232
we can always unite
over music.
1047
01:02:16,274 --> 01:02:18,359
So I, I talked to them a lot
1048
01:02:18,401 --> 01:02:20,486
about how much it
used to mean to me
1049
01:02:20,528 --> 01:02:22,697
to put together mixtapes.
1050
01:02:22,739 --> 01:02:24,365
And they're like,
"How does that work?
1051
01:02:24,407 --> 01:02:27,076
We've heard of the mixtapes
from the 1900s."
1052
01:02:29,412 --> 01:02:32,707
I said, "Well, well,
little sweethearts.
1053
01:02:32,749 --> 01:02:37,003
We used to listen
to music on a radio.
1054
01:02:37,044 --> 01:02:39,881
That's a box with two
metal sticks sticking out."
1055
01:02:39,922 --> 01:02:43,634
And they know like download
speeds and coverage and 5G.
1056
01:02:43,676 --> 01:02:46,095
I'm like, "Oh no,
the radio didn't even work
1057
01:02:46,137 --> 01:02:47,305
in every room in the house."
1058
01:02:48,806 --> 01:02:50,808
You had to unplug it
and move it around
1059
01:02:50,850 --> 01:02:54,604
and whatever room you left it
there and turned it up loud.
1060
01:02:54,645 --> 01:02:56,189
And no matter what
you were doing,
1061
01:02:56,230 --> 01:02:57,690
you would listen
with half an ear.
1062
01:02:57,732 --> 01:02:59,901
And the DJ would say,
"Coming up next,
1063
01:02:59,942 --> 01:03:02,236
Salisbury Hill
by Peter Gabriel,"
1064
01:03:02,278 --> 01:03:04,864
and you would haul ass
to your bedroom
1065
01:03:04,906 --> 01:03:09,619
and you would grab
your Radio Shack recorder
1066
01:03:09,660 --> 01:03:12,371
and back it up to the speaker.
1067
01:03:12,413 --> 01:03:13,873
And then you would just wait,
1068
01:03:13,915 --> 01:03:17,335
hovering like a bird of prey
with your two fingers.
1069
01:03:19,962 --> 01:03:23,382
Hoping the DJ would
shut the fuck up.
1070
01:03:25,134 --> 01:03:28,596
Right now in my apartment
in Hollyweird, California,
1071
01:03:28,638 --> 01:03:32,517
I have a box of mixtapes
from '84 to '88.
1072
01:03:32,558 --> 01:03:35,853
And I say, Hollyweird, 'cause
even though I've lived here
1073
01:03:35,895 --> 01:03:38,856
since 1996, I'm originally
from Miami, Florida.
1074
01:03:38,898 --> 01:03:42,026
And by the way,
I'm 100% Latina.
1075
01:03:43,486 --> 01:03:45,530
So if you have any stereotypes
about Latinos, I know,
1076
01:03:45,571 --> 01:03:47,573
I know, I look like
a middle-aged white woman
1077
01:03:47,615 --> 01:03:50,201
with good credit, but I'll
shank a bitch, I don't care.
1078
01:03:51,160 --> 01:03:52,537
I will.
If I have to.
1079
01:03:52,578 --> 01:03:54,372
But in my apartment
in Hollywood,
1080
01:03:54,413 --> 01:03:58,000
I have a box of mixtapes
and it's pretty amazing.
1081
01:03:58,042 --> 01:04:00,711
It brings back so many memories
of making them.
1082
01:04:00,753 --> 01:04:04,674
But I have a 90-minute miracle
I made in the summer of 1986.
1083
01:04:04,715 --> 01:04:06,425
That one really took some time.
1084
01:04:06,467 --> 01:04:08,386
And, and it starts
with Jungle Love
1085
01:04:08,427 --> 01:04:09,929
by Steve Miller Band.
1086
01:04:09,971 --> 01:04:12,515
Yeah, that's a jam.
That's a jam.
1087
01:04:12,557 --> 01:04:14,642
I met you on
somebody's island
1088
01:04:14,684 --> 01:04:17,395
That's a line, "I met you
on somebody's island."
1089
01:04:17,436 --> 01:04:19,230
That's some sexy shit!
1090
01:04:20,690 --> 01:04:22,358
What would the kids say now?
1091
01:04:22,400 --> 01:04:24,861
I swiped left and we
hooked up at Pinkberry.
1092
01:04:24,902 --> 01:04:27,071
Like what kind of song is that?
1093
01:04:29,532 --> 01:04:31,617
"I met you on somebody's island.
1094
01:04:31,659 --> 01:04:33,619
I thought I had
known you before."
1095
01:04:33,661 --> 01:04:34,829
That's sexy.
1096
01:04:34,871 --> 01:04:37,707
"I brought you a crate
of papayas."
1097
01:04:39,041 --> 01:04:40,209
Have you ever had a papaya,
little dude?
1098
01:04:41,961 --> 01:04:44,547
That's some delicious shit
right there, delicious.
1099
01:04:44,589 --> 01:04:48,134
If you did that now, a girl
be like, "Crate of papayas?
1100
01:04:48,175 --> 01:04:49,510
That's a creeper move.
1101
01:04:49,552 --> 01:04:52,513
You left me fruit
on my front porch?
1102
01:04:52,555 --> 01:04:55,308
Ya freak.
1103
01:04:55,349 --> 01:04:57,935
Are they non-GMO papayas?
1104
01:05:01,230 --> 01:05:02,481
Organic?"
1105
01:05:04,275 --> 01:05:05,693
I hope I meet the Larr Bear
1106
01:05:05,735 --> 01:05:08,237
and he brings me
a crate of papayas.
1107
01:05:09,280 --> 01:05:10,781
In his black Tesla.
1108
01:05:10,823 --> 01:05:13,659
I'm telling you I've got
it down, I've got it down.
1109
01:05:13,701 --> 01:05:15,828
I can picture him.
He's in a suit.
1110
01:05:15,870 --> 01:05:18,873
He's got on a shirt with some
white chest hair sticking out.
1111
01:05:18,915 --> 01:05:20,791
You know what I mean?
Like that.
1112
01:05:22,460 --> 01:05:25,421
It's true, I want
a grown man in man pants
1113
01:05:25,463 --> 01:05:27,089
that's not manscaped.
1114
01:05:27,131 --> 01:05:29,717
When he drops trou, I want it
to look like a buzzard
1115
01:05:29,759 --> 01:05:32,303
hanging out of his nest
on a cliff wall.
1116
01:05:37,558 --> 01:05:39,477
You're picturing it right now.
1117
01:05:44,273 --> 01:05:45,608
But I'm going to leave you
1118
01:05:45,650 --> 01:05:47,652
with my three best pieces
of advice.
1119
01:05:47,693 --> 01:05:49,946
After more than 50 years
on this planet.
1120
01:05:49,987 --> 01:05:52,323
And I've really had a lot
of time to think about it,
1121
01:05:52,365 --> 01:05:55,034
14 months all by myself.
1122
01:05:55,076 --> 01:05:57,286
And this is what
it comes down to.
1123
01:05:57,328 --> 01:05:59,872
Number one, love hard.
1124
01:05:59,914 --> 01:06:01,791
Your heart is a muscle.
1125
01:06:01,832 --> 01:06:03,709
Even if you're loving
the wrong person,
1126
01:06:03,751 --> 01:06:06,128
consider it cardio
for your spirit.
1127
01:06:08,214 --> 01:06:10,758
I got news for you, you're
never loving the wrong person.
1128
01:06:10,800 --> 01:06:13,844
You're just preparing
for the righter person.
1129
01:06:16,347 --> 01:06:19,684
If anybody knows
the Larr Bear,
1130
01:06:19,725 --> 01:06:21,978
you know, little Jew fro.
1131
01:06:22,019 --> 01:06:24,563
Number two, forgive harder,
because when you forgive,
1132
01:06:24,605 --> 01:06:26,732
all your power
comes back to you.
1133
01:06:26,774 --> 01:06:28,526
And one of the things
about the 'Rona
1134
01:06:28,567 --> 01:06:30,611
was I had a lot of time
to reconnect with people.
1135
01:06:30,653 --> 01:06:32,154
And I know some of them
were thinking,
1136
01:06:32,196 --> 01:06:34,699
"Did she forget that we had
that fight in high school?
1137
01:06:34,740 --> 01:06:36,367
Is she up to some
ninja revenge?"
1138
01:06:36,409 --> 01:06:37,785
No, I forgot.
Forgive harder.
1139
01:06:37,827 --> 01:06:40,037
All your power
comes back to you.
1140
01:06:40,079 --> 01:06:43,124
And number three,
if we've learned anything,
1141
01:06:43,165 --> 01:06:46,502
get as happy as you can
as fast as you can.
1142
01:06:46,544 --> 01:06:48,087
It's nobody's job, but yours.
1143
01:06:48,129 --> 01:06:50,256
Thank you. Good night.
Bless you.
1144
01:06:59,306 --> 01:07:00,516
I mean, when I started,
1145
01:07:00,558 --> 01:07:02,977
they structured the show
with a male headliner,
1146
01:07:03,019 --> 01:07:05,855
a host to MC,
to open the show,
1147
01:07:05,896 --> 01:07:07,273
and a novelty act.
1148
01:07:07,314 --> 01:07:08,691
Ahh.
1149
01:07:08,733 --> 01:07:10,443
And the novelty act
was either a juggler
1150
01:07:10,484 --> 01:07:12,987
or an impressionist
or a woman.
1151
01:07:13,029 --> 01:07:14,989
Wow.
We were considered novelty acts.
1152
01:07:15,031 --> 01:07:16,699
-How adorable.
-Yeah.
1153
01:07:16,741 --> 01:07:18,534
I don't even know
if it was conscious.
1154
01:07:18,576 --> 01:07:20,453
I just know that it happened.
1155
01:07:20,494 --> 01:07:21,620
Oh, wow.
1156
01:07:34,675 --> 01:07:36,052
Thank you.
1157
01:07:36,093 --> 01:07:37,470
Well, I guess
that's my show.
1158
01:07:37,511 --> 01:07:40,014
Thank you.
Good night.
1159
01:07:40,056 --> 01:07:43,267
Hi, my name is
Marsha Warfield.
1160
01:07:45,561 --> 01:07:48,397
But you can call me
Your Highness.
1161
01:07:49,940 --> 01:07:53,402
I'm so honored to be here
with all my bitches.
1162
01:07:56,363 --> 01:07:58,240
Got my stable with me.
1163
01:07:58,282 --> 01:08:01,494
I am the senior member
of this crew.
1164
01:08:02,745 --> 01:08:04,705
Yes I am.
1165
01:08:04,747 --> 01:08:08,626
I am the same age
as Oprah Winfrey.
1166
01:08:09,960 --> 01:08:12,630
Yes I am. We were born
a couple of years apart.
1167
01:08:16,467 --> 01:08:17,551
That's not true.
1168
01:08:17,593 --> 01:08:19,011
We were born a couple
of months apart
1169
01:08:19,053 --> 01:08:23,182
in the year of Brown vs.
The Board of Education.
1170
01:08:23,224 --> 01:08:26,852
So we grew up with
the civil rights movement.
1171
01:08:26,894 --> 01:08:28,521
And it shapes
your whole perspective.
1172
01:08:28,562 --> 01:08:29,772
It was on TV all the time.
1173
01:08:29,814 --> 01:08:31,732
It was part
of dinnertime conversation.
1174
01:08:31,774 --> 01:08:33,275
It was in school.
It was in church.
1175
01:08:33,317 --> 01:08:34,276
It was everywhere.
1176
01:08:34,318 --> 01:08:38,364
I still remember the slogans
from back then.
1177
01:08:38,405 --> 01:08:40,991
Like, free at last.
1178
01:08:41,033 --> 01:08:44,078
We shall overcome.
1179
01:08:44,120 --> 01:08:45,996
Y'all gonna get us all killed.
1180
01:08:50,709 --> 01:08:53,462
Them white folks gon'
be mad, you know.
1181
01:08:56,966 --> 01:08:59,552
But Oprah has famously said
1182
01:08:59,593 --> 01:09:03,347
that 60 is the new 30.
1183
01:09:06,559 --> 01:09:07,977
Oprah's a damn liar.
1184
01:09:10,187 --> 01:09:12,898
60's the same fucking 60
it's always been.
1185
01:09:12,940 --> 01:09:16,110
It's the number after 59.
You can't get from 59 to 30.
1186
01:09:16,152 --> 01:09:18,445
That don't even make
no fucking sense.
1187
01:09:23,576 --> 01:09:25,202
It makes you wonder,
1188
01:09:25,244 --> 01:09:28,664
how much money
do you have to have
1189
01:09:28,706 --> 01:09:30,499
to get your own math?
1190
01:09:38,257 --> 01:09:40,759
And it don't even make--
people need to stop
1191
01:09:40,801 --> 01:09:42,386
with all that,
"this is the new that."
1192
01:09:42,428 --> 01:09:45,181
They got 90-year-old people.
90 is the new 80.
1193
01:09:45,222 --> 01:09:48,350
Twelve is the new four,
four is the new toddler.
1194
01:09:48,392 --> 01:09:49,643
What the fuck?
1195
01:09:55,566 --> 01:09:59,069
Orange is not the new black.
1196
01:10:03,282 --> 01:10:06,535
If it was, Donald Trump
would be head of NAACP.
1197
01:10:17,254 --> 01:10:20,799
But I wish I had Oprah math.
1198
01:10:20,841 --> 01:10:22,509
You would see me
in the grocery store,
1199
01:10:22,551 --> 01:10:24,303
they'd be like, "That's $412."
1200
01:10:24,345 --> 01:10:28,557
And I'd be, "Uh-uh.
Not by my math.
1201
01:10:30,142 --> 01:10:32,770
Way I figured
you owe me $2.22.
1202
01:10:35,147 --> 01:10:37,066
But keep the change,
I like you."
1203
01:10:40,653 --> 01:10:42,821
But that's power.
1204
01:10:42,863 --> 01:10:47,576
To be able to change
the whole definition of old.
1205
01:10:47,618 --> 01:10:51,580
Come on, when me and Oprah
were kids, 60 was old as fuck.
1206
01:10:53,374 --> 01:10:57,628
If somebody told you
they was 60, you got sad.
1207
01:11:01,840 --> 01:11:04,843
You'd be like, "Aww!
1208
01:11:06,887 --> 01:11:08,555
But I like you."
1209
01:11:14,895 --> 01:11:18,357
And Oprah got 60,
ain't nobody 60.
1210
01:11:18,399 --> 01:11:21,652
You ain't 60.
Ain't nobody old.
1211
01:11:21,694 --> 01:11:24,029
That's amazing power.
1212
01:11:24,071 --> 01:11:27,366
I wish I had
that kind of power.
1213
01:11:27,408 --> 01:11:31,495
Oprah got bread
ain't got no calories.
1214
01:11:34,873 --> 01:11:36,250
You remember when she
was talking about,
1215
01:11:36,292 --> 01:11:38,669
"I eat bread every day.
Lost 22 pounds."
1216
01:11:43,090 --> 01:11:45,467
You's a damn liar.
No you didn't.
1217
01:11:46,802 --> 01:11:49,179
I smell bread
every day, gain 40.
1218
01:11:53,309 --> 01:11:55,853
I can gain 22 pounds
looking at food.
1219
01:11:59,732 --> 01:12:01,442
And I was trying
to lose weight
1220
01:12:01,483 --> 01:12:06,238
because we have this idea if
we lose weight, we'll lose age.
1221
01:12:07,364 --> 01:12:09,074
You'll feel like
a 22-year-old.
1222
01:12:09,116 --> 01:12:10,784
You's a damn liar!
No I won't!
1223
01:12:10,826 --> 01:12:13,662
I'll just be
a skinny-ass old person.
1224
01:12:19,835 --> 01:12:21,795
But when, you know,
summer was coming,
1225
01:12:21,837 --> 01:12:23,255
you know, you get conditioned.
1226
01:12:23,297 --> 01:12:24,840
So if you start
trying to lose weight
1227
01:12:24,882 --> 01:12:26,467
so you can have that
summer body, you know?
1228
01:12:26,508 --> 01:12:29,636
And I was working
real hard at it, I was.
1229
01:12:29,678 --> 01:12:31,305
And then one day,
1230
01:12:31,347 --> 01:12:34,725
when I was pulling some skin
off some chicken...
1231
01:12:39,646 --> 01:12:42,232
...it dawned on me.
1232
01:12:42,274 --> 01:12:44,234
And I'm like, "Fuck."
1233
01:12:47,196 --> 01:12:48,822
They make bigger clothes.
1234
01:12:57,998 --> 01:12:59,333
So you should have
seen me wrapping
1235
01:12:59,375 --> 01:13:01,210
that skin back
around that chicken.
1236
01:13:02,503 --> 01:13:04,171
I got some bacon
and some toothpicks.
1237
01:13:04,213 --> 01:13:06,256
I got some cheese.
I fried that shit.
1238
01:13:10,552 --> 01:13:14,181
Because like every woman,
I do have an inner skinny woman.
1239
01:13:14,223 --> 01:13:18,560
You know, we all have that
inner skinny woman who nags us.
1240
01:13:18,602 --> 01:13:21,605
You know, I know I do
because I ate her.
1241
01:13:27,569 --> 01:13:31,198
That bitch tried to get between
me and the refrigerator...
1242
01:13:31,240 --> 01:13:32,908
on one of them
midnight munchie runs.
1243
01:13:32,950 --> 01:13:34,868
I'm like, "Uh-uh,
that's your ass."
1244
01:13:40,624 --> 01:13:43,293
But I've gotten to where
I accept my weight
1245
01:13:43,335 --> 01:13:45,754
and I don't want
to lose weight
1246
01:13:45,796 --> 01:13:48,507
because I'm old.
1247
01:13:48,549 --> 01:13:50,259
And if I'ma waste away
to nothing,
1248
01:13:50,300 --> 01:13:53,303
I want it to take
a long fucking time.
1249
01:14:02,104 --> 01:14:05,357
But as the senior member
of this crew,
1250
01:14:05,399 --> 01:14:07,359
I have to tell you
a couple of secrets.
1251
01:14:07,401 --> 01:14:10,779
One, your grandmother's a freak.
1252
01:14:13,365 --> 01:14:15,033
It's true.
People think--
1253
01:14:15,075 --> 01:14:17,870
See, we're the generation
that invented sex,
1254
01:14:17,911 --> 01:14:20,664
drugs, and rock and roll, okay?
1255
01:14:20,706 --> 01:14:22,082
Right?
1256
01:14:22,124 --> 01:14:24,710
And we are still
sexing and drugging
1257
01:14:24,751 --> 01:14:26,587
and rocking and rolling.
1258
01:14:26,628 --> 01:14:30,382
It's just now we have
to take drugs so we can sex
1259
01:14:30,424 --> 01:14:32,926
and rock and roll,
but that's not the point.
1260
01:14:36,013 --> 01:14:38,474
People have this weird idea
that old ladies,
1261
01:14:38,515 --> 01:14:42,311
just, just sit around, rocking,
1262
01:14:42,352 --> 01:14:45,397
thinking about cookie recipes
for children.
1263
01:14:46,690 --> 01:14:48,567
Let me tell you something,
your grandmother
1264
01:14:48,609 --> 01:14:50,611
could give a shit about
your children and your cookies.
1265
01:14:50,652 --> 01:14:52,154
We don't care.
1266
01:14:52,196 --> 01:14:53,572
We taught you how
to make cookies,
1267
01:14:53,614 --> 01:14:55,782
so you should have brought us
some fucking cookies.
1268
01:14:55,824 --> 01:14:56,825
That's what you shoulda did.
1269
01:15:01,205 --> 01:15:03,624
And if I'm sitting
around rocking,
1270
01:15:03,665 --> 01:15:05,709
I might be sitting
on something.
1271
01:15:09,463 --> 01:15:14,218
Uh baby, don't pay no attention
to that buzzing noise.
1272
01:15:14,259 --> 01:15:17,346
That's the refrigerator.
1273
01:15:17,387 --> 01:15:19,890
It does that when it's full.
1274
01:15:24,520 --> 01:15:28,065
'Cause granny got a Magic Wand.
1275
01:15:28,106 --> 01:15:29,983
You know what
I'm talking about, right?
1276
01:15:30,025 --> 01:15:32,361
Yeah.
Looks like this.
1277
01:15:34,321 --> 01:15:36,949
She keeps it in her nightstand
up under the night gowns
1278
01:15:36,990 --> 01:15:38,659
on her side of the bed.
1279
01:15:38,700 --> 01:15:40,994
You know what I'm talking about.
You've seen it.
1280
01:15:41,036 --> 01:15:42,412
Get you one.
1281
01:15:43,830 --> 01:15:45,958
See, you young women,
y'all invest all this money
1282
01:15:45,999 --> 01:15:47,251
on all these devices and stuff
1283
01:15:47,292 --> 01:15:49,086
that do all
this kind of stuff.
1284
01:15:49,127 --> 01:15:50,254
You don't need that.
1285
01:15:50,295 --> 01:15:54,258
Get you a old fashioned
Hitachi Magic Wand.
1286
01:15:56,301 --> 01:15:57,678
But don't get the one
with the batteries.
1287
01:15:57,719 --> 01:15:59,304
You don't want that.
That's annoying.
1288
01:15:59,346 --> 01:16:02,099
It's just wimpy, it's just...
1289
01:16:03,684 --> 01:16:06,937
Get the one
that plugs in the wall.
1290
01:16:06,979 --> 01:16:08,522
That's the one you need.
1291
01:16:18,532 --> 01:16:20,284
I will tell you another secret.
1292
01:16:20,325 --> 01:16:25,414
You have old people to thank
for recreational marijuana.
1293
01:16:28,542 --> 01:16:31,753
That's right, 'cause we've
been smoking reefer
1294
01:16:31,795 --> 01:16:35,424
since back when people
was calling it smoking reefer.
1295
01:16:38,552 --> 01:16:40,095
And I'm gonna tell
you something.
1296
01:16:40,137 --> 01:16:41,722
When your grandmother is
sitting around rocking,
1297
01:16:41,763 --> 01:16:42,931
she's fucked up.
1298
01:16:45,183 --> 01:16:47,853
Old people still get high.
1299
01:16:47,894 --> 01:16:52,774
We be smoking, we like to
get high and play games.
1300
01:16:53,817 --> 01:16:57,446
We like to go outside
and get in the way.
1301
01:17:09,666 --> 01:17:12,002
Go around, you little shit.
1302
01:17:17,174 --> 01:17:19,801
I am gay.
Thank you so much.
1303
01:17:22,137 --> 01:17:25,140
And I came out in my 60s.
1304
01:17:27,225 --> 01:17:28,310
Came out publicly.
1305
01:17:28,352 --> 01:17:29,645
You come out in stages,
you know?
1306
01:17:29,686 --> 01:17:33,857
But I came out publicly
in my 60s on Facebook.
1307
01:17:36,818 --> 01:17:39,988
'Cause that's what old people
do, we fuck around on Facebook.
1308
01:17:43,408 --> 01:17:45,744
Facebook is
the 21st century version
1309
01:17:45,786 --> 01:17:48,205
of sitting in the window,
yelling at people.
1310
01:17:51,875 --> 01:17:53,043
Get off my page!
1311
01:17:54,544 --> 01:17:57,005
Take that shit on the other side
of the Internet.
1312
01:18:02,344 --> 01:18:04,179
But growing up,
I didn't know I was gay.
1313
01:18:04,221 --> 01:18:06,515
I just knew I was different.
1314
01:18:06,556 --> 01:18:10,143
That's what they told me.
They said, "You're different."
1315
01:18:10,185 --> 01:18:12,062
Which means they fucking knew.
1316
01:18:14,564 --> 01:18:16,900
They didn't tell me.
1317
01:18:16,942 --> 01:18:19,069
Do you know how much pussy
I didn't get?
1318
01:18:25,659 --> 01:18:28,912
They called me a tomboy,
1319
01:18:28,954 --> 01:18:31,873
but I wasn't a tomboy.
1320
01:18:31,915 --> 01:18:33,083
I was a baby dyke.
1321
01:18:40,674 --> 01:18:42,509
They should have let me
be a baby dyke.
1322
01:18:42,551 --> 01:18:45,971
I would have been
a lot happier.
1323
01:18:46,012 --> 01:18:48,640
But as I get older and now
that I'm out and stuff,
1324
01:18:48,682 --> 01:18:50,642
I find myself new
to the community.
1325
01:18:50,684 --> 01:18:54,479
I still don't know
all the gay rules and stuff.
1326
01:18:54,521 --> 01:18:59,401
You know, I don't know
even what to call myself.
1327
01:18:59,443 --> 01:19:02,362
I mean, you know,
am I butch, stud,
1328
01:19:02,404 --> 01:19:05,115
femme, futch, butt,
what the fuck?
1329
01:19:08,243 --> 01:19:10,746
Yes, I'm wearing a fedora.
1330
01:19:10,787 --> 01:19:13,665
You know, I have
on sensible shoes.
1331
01:19:13,707 --> 01:19:17,294
But I'm wearing a bra
and the panties, you know?
1332
01:19:17,335 --> 01:19:20,130
I am wearing a strap on,
but that's not the point.
1333
01:19:25,844 --> 01:19:28,305
But like I said,
it's hard coming out,
1334
01:19:28,346 --> 01:19:29,347
it's hard growing up.
1335
01:19:29,389 --> 01:19:32,726
And I found out just recently
1336
01:19:32,768 --> 01:19:35,061
that God is a Black woman.
1337
01:19:37,230 --> 01:19:40,567
She's tough.
I've talked to her.
1338
01:19:40,609 --> 01:19:42,319
She told me to tell you
she's pissed.
1339
01:19:45,280 --> 01:19:46,907
It's your fault.
1340
01:19:46,948 --> 01:19:51,536
But she also told me that
the world needs to be mothered.
1341
01:19:51,578 --> 01:19:54,122
That we've been fathered
long enough.
1342
01:19:57,250 --> 01:19:59,669
You know what fathers do.
1343
01:19:59,711 --> 01:20:01,338
They fuck mothers.
1344
01:20:03,924 --> 01:20:06,676
So we've been
motherfucked for some...
1345
01:20:12,766 --> 01:20:14,518
But Carole's a national mom.
1346
01:20:14,559 --> 01:20:17,062
We need a national mom.
We do.
1347
01:20:17,103 --> 01:20:19,815
Wherever we need somebody
to just take over.
1348
01:20:19,856 --> 01:20:23,443
Just somebody, just walk into
Congress and just stand there
1349
01:20:23,485 --> 01:20:26,696
and make everybody shut up
and feel guilty.
1350
01:20:34,454 --> 01:20:35,664
Who did this?
1351
01:20:37,541 --> 01:20:39,042
No, don't be pointing
at each other.
1352
01:20:39,084 --> 01:20:42,838
Ain't nobody leaving here
till y'all clean this shit up.
1353
01:20:42,879 --> 01:20:46,675
And America,
go to your room
1354
01:20:46,716 --> 01:20:50,178
and stay your ass in there
till you learn how to vote.
1355
01:20:57,644 --> 01:21:02,190
Like I said, I don't know all,
how to relate as a gay woman.
1356
01:21:02,232 --> 01:21:03,942
I don't know all of the rules
1357
01:21:03,984 --> 01:21:06,903
and what to call myself,
you know?
1358
01:21:06,945 --> 01:21:10,490
I think people
should call me what I am.
1359
01:21:10,532 --> 01:21:12,033
A lady snorkeler.
1360
01:21:24,421 --> 01:21:27,048
Dive, baby, dive.
1361
01:21:29,634 --> 01:21:32,095
Thank you so much.
Take care.
1362
01:21:36,349 --> 01:21:37,809
People think
that comedy is so easy.
1363
01:21:37,851 --> 01:21:41,229
Oh yeah, it's a breeze.
Start today.
1364
01:21:44,482 --> 01:21:46,735
We were always the,
like the dirty girls
1365
01:21:46,776 --> 01:21:49,362
or the edgy girls and there
was only a few of us back then.
1366
01:21:49,404 --> 01:21:51,114
Exactly.
We told the truth.
1367
01:21:51,156 --> 01:21:52,365
We weren't even dirty.
1368
01:21:52,407 --> 01:21:53,742
I mean, I tell people,
tell the truth
1369
01:21:53,783 --> 01:21:55,368
and wrap it in bacon,
so you'll eat it.
1370
01:21:55,410 --> 01:21:57,954
I want to be that person
that, you know,
1371
01:21:57,996 --> 01:22:00,123
somebody can look at
and they can go, wow.
1372
01:22:00,165 --> 01:22:02,626
If that's how Teri Hatcher's
living, then like,
1373
01:22:02,667 --> 01:22:04,669
I feel pretty good
about my life.
1374
01:22:06,755 --> 01:22:09,215
We all want to see
each other succeed
1375
01:22:09,257 --> 01:22:12,427
because I think Hollywood
has a tendency to say
1376
01:22:12,469 --> 01:22:14,512
that we're backbiting.
1377
01:22:14,554 --> 01:22:16,014
We do help each other.
1378
01:22:16,056 --> 01:22:21,353
And what you have created,
Carole, is magnificent.
104648
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