Original subtitles

- Yeah, I do like that. I got the fancy look, see?

- Yeah. Let me get the--

- You touch it--make sure you buy it if you touch it now.

- I just want to get my candy.

- I can get you that right there.

- Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey, man. No, no.

No more Now and Laters. More like never nevers.

I told you last customer three "last customers" ago.

Sir, stop buying. - Oh, is that the Simeons?

- That's the Simeons. - Turner.

- Brothers and broth-ettes, uh...

Oh, nice. An African marketplace--I'm with that.

- I'm going on break. Watch my shit.

- I got you. - Case you need to make change.

- Chongos.

Speaking of, on theme, on theme,

this is a cultural initiative that my office is sponsoring.

Brother, why don't you read it aloud?

Tell everybody what it's about.

- I have a Samsung Galaxy II Plus.

Do you have a power cord for that?

- So, uh, 51st Ward's Kwanzaa Film Fest.

- Film fest?

- Winner gets $500.

- ♪ I was born on the South Side ♪

♪I was raised on the South Side ♪

♪ Everybody stick together like we in the line ♪

♪ 'Cause it ain't no side like the South Side ♪

♪ On the South Side ♪

♪ South Side ♪

- Wow, this is great.

You already wrote your script for the contest?

- No, I've been working on this project.

The contest just giving me an opportunity

to finally make it.

It's a reality show about having to save a cotillion.

- Ooh.

- That sounds like a voluptuous opportunity for drama.

- 'Cause it is. - Yes.

- Wait. You actually wrote a reality show?

- Yeah, they're all written. I mean, I can show you--

Not you. - Mm-mm.

- Damn. - Mm-mm.

- I could show anybody a script,

'cause, yes, they're all written.

- And it's about Kwanzaa?

- Girl... well, I'll figure that out.

- And that part... [laughter]

[sweeping music]

♪ ♪

- My name is Dr. Princess.

I'm a world-class surgeon, and these gifted hands

are Rated E for "every bitch."

- I got the gift.

I talk to the spirits of our ancestors, and they talk back.

- I believe rumors are like hot and heavy legs.

They're just itching to be spread.

- I sell crack.

- I ain't got time.

That was drama.

I'll call you back.

- It's my way or the highway.

And after my highway accident, these arms were donated.

all: "Cotillionaires: Chicago."

[bright music]

- Ooh, this is nice.

Y'all come on in. Come on in.

Ali, you so funny.

- Today we're at a cotillion,

which is like a Black debutante ball.

We do dances, and we practice etiquette.

And, you know, it's real fancy

and classy and stuff.

Calliope used to be

this really famous infomercial psychic back in the day.

- God bless you.

Ah-shay, ah-shay.

- She was going to be our host,

but we had to make some changes because she had an incident,

and we also had to uninvite all the kids

'cause of said incident.

[indistinct chatter]

- Uh, hi, Miss Calliope. My name--

- Damn!

Can a bitch eat?

Fuck!

Hold on, Selena.

No, we can talk about it.

When I was a child, I was visited

and severely beaten by a spirit of a shy boy in a cast.

So, recently, when I was accosted

by a shy boy in a cast,

it triggered something.

Can a bitch eat? Fuck!

I love kids, and I'm sorry.

What was that little boy's name?

I'm sorry, ShaJhonson.

[indistinct chatter]

- Sorry. - Shit.

- It happens sometimes. It happens.

- Now, the first step of a cotillion is etiquette class.

So I brought in Boutiqua Jones. She the best in the game, okay?

And she is fancy as shit.

- Thank you, Dr. Princess.

Now, this isn't my first roll in the hays of cotillionism.

- [laughs]

- Yes, it was funny, what I said.

I've hosted and attended many.

I also spent a semester in London.

- Ooh! - Mm!

- And one at the Sorbonne, so...

[French and British accent] Bienvenue to my class, loves.

[laughter, light applause]

[British accent] It's good banter and all of that.

Yes, we love it. Yes.

All right, let's get into the lesson.

- Okay. - This is a salad fork.

Okay, it's for leaves.

Gwen, write that down. For leaves.

- For leaves. - For leaves.

- For leaves. - And O-leaves.

- Excuse me, miss. [bangs on table]

What the fuck are you talking about?

- She's talking about olives. But you know what I loves?

Drugs.

- O-leaves--olives.

all: Olives.

Okay.

- And as you all know, the best part of a cotillion

is looking fabulous.

So I commissioned my girl Elegant Maude

to make us all cotillion dresses.

- Princess over here, she did my surgery.

So I was able to make you all some fabulous dresses

with my transplanted arms!

[cheering]

♪ ♪

- Ooh.

These bitches got me skressed.

- Ladies!

Here they are!

♪ ♪

- Dr. Princess must have bought those arms

from Ross Dress for Less,

because those dresses are irregular.

[indistinct chatter]

- Um, excuse me. Hi.

I know this isn't the reason why we're all here today,

but I can't sit up in here and be fake, okay?

Elegant Maude is trying to have us

look like a slutty-ass version of American Girl dolls.

American Ho dolls.

And I'm not with the shits, okay?

Some dolls are hos.

Slumber Party Barbie?

That's the bitch who only had one change of clothes

and a gym bag.

What the fuck was she doing in the evenings?

- Now that we've had etiquette class,

it's time for our fancy dinner.

And I, for one, board-certified neurosurgeon Dr. Princess,

cannot wait to see the Cotillionaires

in their formal wear.

- Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the Cotillionaires!

[light applause]

♪ ♪

[applause]

[indistinct chatter]

- So did none of y'all wear the dresses that I made?

[dish shatters]

- Ungrateful heifers!

Do y'all know how hard it is to sew with somebody else's arms?

- Bitch, you ain't even wear the dress yourself!

- That part. I was waiting for someone to say--

- Girl, the earrings are far too pretty to be dangling

next to tears, darling.

- That was beautiful. - Listen to her.

- Elegant Maude, I'm getting a message from the other side.

It's from the lady whose arms you have.

She said she could have made better dresses with her feet!

[laughter]

Oh, oh, oh, wait, wait.

And I'm the thickest one here.

Boo!

How about that?

- Get off of your royal horse.

Every last one of you, especially you, Calliope,

sitting over there with somebody else's man

that's not even your husband.

Okay, that's Elegant Maude's husband.

He a cheater! You a cheater, sir!

- Damn! You know she's right, though.

You could see it in his eyes.

- My husband is not a cheater.

I am. I am!

I am! I am!

- Oh, excuse me for trying to help you.

You know what?

Y'all not going to ruin this for me, okay?

I am still going to have a great cotillion,

and the night will end with my very beautiful song,

"There She Go, Queen Cotillion, There She Go, She a Star."

It's about strength.

It's about triumph. It's about me.

It's about the days. It's about the nights.

It's about the sky and the ground.

- Okay, Dr. Princess,

well, while that sounds like a song we can all learn

something from,

um, I regret to inform you that before you got here,

the judges did let us know that there would be

no music or singing allowed.

It's in the rule book. - Rule book?

I didn't get no damn rule book.

- There isn't one.

I'm just making this shit up as I go.

I am the rule book.

You calling me a liar? - Yes!

- Ooh, no, no, no, no, bitch.

[indistinct arguing] - I didn't get a rule book.

Did anybody else get a rule book?

You know what? This is all your fault!

- This why I don't like coming around y'all.

- Aah! - Oh, shit!

- Too much!

No, you not trying to throw bread at me.

- Control your arms, bitch. What are you doing?

- Oh, no. [indistinct shouting]

- Oh, my God. Oh!

[shouting continues]

- Oh, shit! - You hit Antonia!

She's a person!

- After Antonia got hit in the head,

she ain't know who the hell she was.

- Hi. I'm pro skater Tony Hawk.

And my ex played a lot of games.

- Psychologically, what she went through

was delusions of grandeur.

It happens to a lot of blunt-force-trauma patients

that I've seen in my career.

Previously on "Cotillionaires: Chicago"...

- Bienvenue to my class, loves.

- Ladies!

Here they are!

[indistinct shouting]

- Hi. I'm pro skater Tony Hawk.

[siren wailing]

all: "Cotillionaires: Chicago."

- Now, ladies, José, we cannot go forward

until we figure out this mess.

- None of you sluts wore you clothes except for José.

- Oh, don't get it twisted. I'm a slut, too.

- And you-- - Uh-uh.

- You. - Mm-hmm.

- You said you loved them.

- Oh, baby, didn't nobody say that.

I said that I loved that you made dresses.

I loved that for your healing.

It was supposed to be therapeutic.

I'm also a therapist.

[skateboard rolling]

- This isn't therapy. This, honey...

[chuckles] This is couture.

- Girl. - What?

- You got a whole-ass nother dress

attached to another dress attached to another dress...

[laughter] - Attached to another dress.

- Read her.

- Now that the air is clear, it's time for the waltz,

and I'm just so ecstatic for them.

They worked very, very hard for two straight days.

[indistinct chatter] - I love your gloves.

- I'm just going to step over here

and just rehearse for just, like, two seconds.

I'll be right back.

♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, not you ♪

♪ I, I, I, I, I, I, not we ♪

- This evening is messy but not messy enough.

And, frankly, I ain't trying to hear no damn singing.

- ♪ Me, me, me, me, me ♪

♪ Me, me, me, me, me ♪

♪ Me, me, not you ♪

Oh, it's a squirrel. Go ahead, squirrel.

♪ Run, run, run, run, run, run, little squirrel ♪

- Oh, my shoe.

I'm going to take this bitch breath away.

- Cotillionaires and escorts, please, to the floor.

- Oh.

If anybody wants my autograph,

I'll be right here-- especially kids.

♪ ♪

- [sighs] I know Calliope apologized.

But ShaJhonson was my nephew.

That's right, was.

He died...

of embarrassment.

ShaJhonson ain't handling it well.

That's his dad.

♪ ♪

That's why I'm going to kill her with a bomb

as soon as I can remember where I placed it.

I did lose it on account of the drug use.

I love drugs.

[waltz music playing]

♪ ♪

- Y'all see him trying to make me jealous?

- He dancing like he want to do something...

twice!

And Amelia Earhart watching.

You too nasty, Amelia. That's why your plane crashed.

Ask Captain Sully.

You can't fly when you horny.

Bird strike. His dick was hard.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

it's time for the climax of the evening--the grand bow.

[applause]

- Hey. Hey, Dr. Princess. - What?

- Twista just texted me right now

and say he coming up to the cotillion to propose to you.

- What? - Yes.

- [gasps] I love Twista. - I know.

- But that's so fast, even for him.

- Well, he's saying when you know, you know.

You got to go! Hurry!

- What the fuck?

Where's--where's my inhaler?

[panting] - Hey, girl.

Calliope took your inhaler and she ain't wash her hands first.

- Girl, fuck you and Calliope!

- You's a liar.

I might be a wrong bitch, but I ain't a nasty bitch.

- Oh, I don't know about that,

'cause the street said you's a nasty bitch.

- Oh, is that what they said? - That's what they said.

[indistinct shouting]

- Hey, hey. [claps hands] Hey!

Smile.

[chuckles] Okay.

Yes. [applause]

- [breathing heavily]

Man, I'm tired of this shit.

It's hard trying to show underprivileged bitches

a good time.

I just want to go home.

Oh.

- Hey, man.

People are depending on you to do kick flips and fakies.

- What?

- To jump off ramps so high

that every kid everywhere aims

to jump just as high with their dreams.

- It's time to announce our winner.

As you all know, the winner of this event

is the Cotillionaire who bravely sold

the most ads to the community.

And the winner is--

- Yes! Whoo!

Yes. Yes!

Thank you. Whoo!

Yes! All right. Fuck everybody.

That means everybody here, everybody outside.

I mean fuck everybody. Thank you so much for this.

First of all, I want to give a shout out to SJ.

We miss you. You know what I'm saying?

- [whispering] You didn't win. - What?

- It's not you. - What did you say?

- [normal voice] You didn't win.

[clears throat] - What do you mean by that?

- You did not win, honey, so I'm going to go

ahead and take that back.

And you'll have to relive this moment

for the rest of your life, okay?

Go ahead. - You want some drugs?

- No. - Percocet. Percocet.

$12. Sorry for that.

- Damn.

- Okay. And the winner is Dr. Princess!

Please come collect your crown and sash.

[applause]

- Let me go, bitch.

Damn it! Yes!

- There we go, right there.

- Thank you!

Y'all, I was not expecting this.

But I knew I sold the most ads two days ago, okay?

I want to give a big shout-out to Eastside Florist

in Hyde Park for their full-page ad.

Thank you so much.

Hey, they fix screens in the back, y'all.

Just ask for a Bri-Bri.

Now, without further ado...

[laughs] Ow.

♪ There she go, Queen Cotillion ♪

♪ There she go ♪

♪ She's a star ♪

♪ There she go, counting her millions ♪

♪ Her dreams will take her very far ♪

♪ There I go-- ♪ - That's the bomb!

[all screaming] - Don't nobody move.

- I got this, y'all. You sure it's the red one?

Here we go. - No, no, no, no, no!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Wanna be all right ♪

- All right, Minolta says 8.4. It's time to shoot.

Also, they're building an office tower right next door.

Someone should go over there and ask them

to not do that for just two hours.

We need some quiet.

All in--one, two, three... all: Gayle!

- Gayle, are you paying these kids?

- Oh, no. It's the cheapest labor of all time.

- You're terrible.

- After all this, I suggest we all go to Pepperoni's, right?

I'm the new manager over there. We got the Five Dolla Holla.

That's right. Pizza for $5. - Oh, more than one, okay.

- You take one and pass it.

- Oh, I don't know how your culture works.

Here you go. - Thank you.

- Look, okay, here.

Five Dolla Holla, but each additional topping is also $5,

which includes the cheese and the sauce.

- Wait, you're charging for the sauce?

- And the cheese.

- What about, like, Parmesan cheese

and those little pepper flakes? Is that also--

- All that's $5. - Those are toppings.

- Everything that you got to put on top of it is a topping.

- But wait, so the basic pizza package

is essentially a wheel of bread?

- Q, brother, you always make things complicated.

- You do make things complicated.

- Sorry. Sorry, Pres.

- Don't ask questions. - Sorry, Pres. Sorry, Pres.

- Simplify it, okay? Five Dolla Holla.

- You know what? Five Dolla Holla--

go in with 15 bucks, get a good pizza--not bad.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- One, two, three...

♪ ♪

♪ Changes ♪

♪ From me to you ♪

♪ Changes ♪

♪ From me to you ♪

♪ We're going down to Kwanzaa Town ♪

♪ ♪

♪ We're going down to Kwanzaa Town ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Changes ♪

♪ From me to you ♪

♪ Changes ♪

♪ From me to you ♪

♪ Changes ♪

♪ Changes ♪

♪ Changes ♪

♪ Changes ♪

♪ ♪

- Bucket, let's enter that contest.

- With what money?

You broke. I'm broke.

- Control-alt-delete, asshole.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

- There is a God.

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Having some fun in this beautiful sun in Hawaii ♪

♪ Shaking my ass ♪

♪ Just to forget the past in Hawaii ♪

♪ In Hawaii ♪

Ladies and gentlemen, Ukulele Barbados,

the owner of the bar-- who wants to see him hit it?

- All right. - Nah.

- Come on, Ukulele.

Everybody wants to see you get up and show us what you got.

- I said no!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Barbados! - Ah!

- High five. Too slow.

- Don't trigger Barbados!

- The Tahitian eyeball takedown.

Your skills are sharper than ever, Ukulele.

- Colonel Corn, what the hell do you want?

- Your country needs you for one last job.

- Ha!

You said that six last jobs to go.

His card was declined. Get a new boyfriend.

- Have you heard of Kwanzaanium?

- I have.

- It's an extraction from a fibrous plant, raffia,

found deep in the Congo rain forest.

- Mm.

- Known to be a psychoactive hypnotic.

A dangerous amount of it was stolen

from a hijacked submarine.

Your government needs you to get it back.

- Colonel Corn, haven't you heard?

I've retired, and now I own a bar in rural Hawaii.

- We don't serve any goddamn corn, God damn it.

So, if you're not buying a drink,

a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, or a toasted bagel,

get to stepping.

♪ ♪

- [chuckles]

Mm, behold...

pure, unrefined Kwanzaanium.

Carefully extracted from the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean,

they tell me somewhere around Georgia.

One drop is enough to control a Black person's mind.

Imagine telling a brother to be quiet in the movies...

And he accepts the criticism!

And he doesn't try to fight you 'cause he knows he's wrong.

Imagine you tell a Black woman what to do,

and she listens.

No more side eye.

- Hold up...side down.

Ha ha.

I got 21 questions. - What's up 50 Cent?

- What are you going to do about Ukulele Barbados?

- Mm.

I've already got that taken care of.

- What? - I said...

- [grunts] - I already got that--

I got it taken care of.

- Say good night, motherfuckers.

[all screaming]

♪ ♪

- Denzel Knives' tower. - Yeah.

- He's going to pay for trying to kill us in Hawaii.

- Mm-hmm, thanks for scooping my brains back into my head.

It's mighty thoughtful of you.

It all begins where it's going to end.

- Die!

Die!

[laughs]

- K, crank it!

- Wait. Wait. [car door opens]

No. - Yeah.

[engine turning over, revs]

- Reverse! Reverse the flow!

Yeah. Suck his brains back in.

Ah.

I guess you were exhausted.

Ha ha.

- Oh, so I was looking at some of the pipes and the--

♪ ♪

Hey, did you kill me on purpose?

- Yes.

- Now that it's just us, did you mean to kill that guy?

- Yes. I meant to do it.

- It's okay if you made a mistake.

- It wasn't a mistake! He's dead. Look.

Bull's-eye.

[scoffs] Oh, jeez Louise.

Got to be real careful.

This guy's very tricky.

Whoa, ho, ho, ho, ho.

[people moaning] [sniffs]

Oh, okay.

Smells like TBD.

- To be determined? - No.

Tits, butt, and dick. - Mm.

- Ah!

Yeah.

- Guys! Stop fucking!

No, seriously! Stop fucking!

Gil.

Gil.

Gil!

Earth to Gil.

- Huh?

- We have to defeat these guys.

Now let's work together. This is all our responsibility.

- Good thing I have proper protection.

Ah!

[all screaming]

- Ah! Stepped on my balls.

- My bad. - No, I liked it.

- K!

Grab that circular saw.

- This one? - Yes!

Turn on the saw and swing the line in a circular motion.

The blade will do the rest. - No way, Uke.

My eyes are terrible.

- Then close them!

I believe in you.

Don't let me fall to the center of the Earth.

[saw whirring]

Good job!

- This feels really dangerous.

- It is dangerous.

Ow! - I did it!

Oh, my bad.

- Good job.

You did a really good job, I tell you.

But, uh, old Barbados needs to sit down for a minute.

- Take your time.

- No.

No.

Just kill me.

- Why would I kill you, Ukulele...

When I can control you?

[laughing]

- [screaming]

[screams]

[all screaming]

- [laughs]

Now, Ukulele, I want you to kill

your beloved partner, K.

- No.

Uke, come on.

Uke, it's your friend.

Come on, Remember the sandbox as kids.

Don't do this. Come on, snap out of it.

- [growls]

- Come on, man. Come on, man.

I know you're in there somewhere.

Snap out of it.

Only you can control

your own destiny.

- Mm!

- [laughing]

- No amount of self-determination

can keep your friend from destroying you!

[laughs] - Self-determination?

That's-- [gasps]

That's Kujichagulia,

one of the seven principles of Kwanzaa,

along with Kuumba, creativity,

like the creative way I killed that guy.

Nia, purpose,

when I totally killed that other guy on purpose.

Umoja, unity, like when we serve

peanut butter and jelly sandwiches

and toasted bagels together.

Ujima, collective work and responsibility,

like when those perverts collectively worked together

to fuck, then made it their responsibility

to stop us.

Imani, faith, like when I had faith in K.

And Ujamaa, cooperative economics,

that was when, um...

[upbeat music]

- Oh, my brother.

- You see, brother, what we need to do is work together.

Yeah.

- A new kind of movie...

- That works.

K.

I finally have understanding and knowledge itself.

Kwanzaa isn't about controlling Black people.

It's about setting them free.

Kwanzaa!

Kwanzaa!

Kwanzaa!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Gazettes here.

Enjoy your news, sir.

- You there, what day of Kwanzaa is it?

- Ujima, sir.

- Oh, good. It's not too late.

- I trusted you.

♪ Right back where I started ♪

♪ So let's get it straight, get it straight ♪

♪ I've been in the kitchen with the dinner plate ♪

♪ Dinner plate ♪

♪ Jogging up and down the fucking interstate ♪

♪ Interstate ♪

♪ Trying to get a check and cop some real estate ♪

♪ Real estate ♪

♪ I'm that [...] that always stick his neck out ♪

♪ Might be clocked in at the job, but I'm checked out ♪

♪ Plotting schemes to get the things that I dreamt about ♪

♪ I've been in that gym, I can flex now ♪

♪ Flexing all them [...] to throw them foes ♪

♪ And blow that dro ♪

♪ You've been stressing, just forget it ♪

♪ Do your part and let that go ♪

♪ I go hard, I bet y'all know ♪

♪ I'm soaked in sauce, I got that dough ♪

♪ Stepping in the building, fitting to kill it ♪

♪ Give me that all, I want that dough ♪

♪ No little bit of clout, when you ask, they know ♪

♪ Just what [...] about, it's about that show ♪

♪ And about my bros, and I'm on my toes ♪

♪ And I'm about my growth, everything must go ♪

♪ Gave my all, got to give some more ♪

♪ I got clout, Got to get some more... ♪

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