Original subtitles

Oh my god, I cannot fucking believe this, here we fucking go!

Jeez!

Pardon the interruption. We are once again in the federal clear.

Rick what the hell? Are you a Turkey Dracula now?

Morty, is that a Pooplickian GamePod?

Actually it’s the GamePod XL.

They say it’s the most realistic video game console ever.

-I never got you that. -Space Mom did.

She’s in for the holiday weekend. Remember?

Shit, in that case, let’s go,

-let’s get out of h... -I heard you smack the glass, Dad,

-if you bail, I’ll disown you! -I’d say don’t hop through a portal.

But wait, you can’t.

Look at it this way, Morty.

Life is a subscription and Thanksgiving is your family’s yearly charge.

Wow Dad, good job.

Rick, put some pants on. Today has so few rules.

Yes, Patriarch.

I’d like to make a toast. Today is a day for thanks. And for family.

And for remembering all of those that have less.

-Okay, pick a scope. -Pick a scope?

-Can we please have a normal Thanksgiving? -Well seems like all the ones I remember.

Good point.

Baby, you, it’s a toast.

-Sorry! -Sorry!

Anyway, I’m thankful for my wife. Beth. The Beth that chose me.

I’m so grateful to you, and I literally could not live without you.

I really mean that. If something were to happen to you,

or if you were to leave me, or be unfaithful, I would die.

Literally. Probably by my own hand.

-Okay. -I know how I’d do it.

Our first blender has an extra long cord

and it was manufactured before safety fuses, so I’d draw a warm bath...

And blend some stuff, good toast, honey. To thankfulness.

-To... America? -To ending the toast?

-To ending the toast. -To ending the toast.

Just to, be clear, I was saying I’d kill myself.

-God. -God, we know.

-Sorry Jerry got all husband-y. -Yeah. Do not miss that.

So I was thinking we could set you up in Jerry’s man cave?

That’s okay, I’ll sleep in my car. It’s got a Tardis thing going on,

bigger on the inside. Dad calls it hack, but my soaking tub begs to differ.

Maybe I’ll trade you... my lower back.

-I got this. -Jesus, that was great.

Well, you’re me. I find this is usually the biggest help.

I just love... the Venusian stuff.

It’s cool, I get insecure trying to pronounce this crap too

but I got just the thing for that. Here.

Okay shoot that asteroid. Now shoot that one.

Now shoot me in the face. This game’s trash.

I didn’t want to say anything but this does seem lame.

I thought it was maybe cause we’ve shot so many real asteroids

let’s look at the menu

There’s the realism setting.

Cool. Also stupid. The factory setting is 4?

What do we want, 10?

No, do 9, I’m kidding.

-Shut up, Summer. -Shut up Summer. Put ten.

-This is the same. -It’s worse. It’s...

I get it. Okay. It’s more real. The vast majority of space is empty.

What? Who cares? Then what am I doing?

Looks like you can record a video for your kid in case you die.

Not a bad idea, you’re gonna be in space for a while.

May as well.

Son. If you’re seeing this,

I starved to death while looking for an asteroid.

This is stupid. You guys are obviously just trying to convince yourselves

it’s cool because you feel lame about it.

Summer you know nothing about gamer culture.

Bro, tell your son you love the shit out of him.

I’m gonna!

Of course we both can’t sleep at the same time.

We do share a shitty back.

-Turn around. At least let me... -Yes please.

-My God. -Okay I know we’re not massage people

but you need this. See you act like this bad ass space cowboy

but I know you’re just a scared little overachiever that keeps all her OCD right.

-My God. -Yeah.

By the way you better be taking notes, I’m next.

-It’s my back you dumb bitch. -Nice.

What?

-Well I better get back to bed. -Same

So now you’re into highly realistic video games?

Maybe I decided real life was too much right now

or maybe I’m not afraid to change my mind about stuff,

maybe mental flexibility is stronger than stubbornness.

Nice manip’, Sum-Sum. Okay, I’m in the alley behind the library.

-Uptown or downtown? -Shit, there’s one uptown, too?

It’s okay, stay there, I think I’m near the red line.

-Is this Street Fighter? -Street Fighter where you start

at the beginning of each fighter’s day and have to find each other to fight.

It’s very realistic. Not even guaranteed a fight will happen.

That meter filling up is us forgetting what made us so mad.

If anyone’s interested in a higher level of realism, I’m “booting up” the O.G.

That’s Original Game, called a jigsaw puzzle, in the den.

Hey, gang! Me and my space self are gonna make a run to the Gloppy Drop System

for ice cream. Any flavor requests?

-Vanilla! -Vanilla!

Why do you guys have to go all the way to deep space just for ice cream?

Gloppy Dropulites have less taste buds than humans,

their ice cream is like a hospital bed,

it’s designed for you to do less so it does more.

Okay see ya in a bit.

I’ll get started sorting all the obvious sky pieces. Secret technique.

-Oh fuck it’s ON, bitch! -Oh shit there you are!

-I’m gonna eat your ass. -You will die in the street like a dog!

Stunning.

Thank you. This is incredible.

Just glad I had something in your size.

How far is Gloppy Drop? And why do I always think I’m wearing a watch?

I actually have a pint of Gloppy Drop on a little apartment orbiting Earth.

-So we have time. -You have your own space station?

We have our own space station. We’re the same person.

There’s differences. Like, one of us has no idea who she really is.

Wrong. But let’s make a deal.

Let’s trust ourselves enough to stop wondering who we are when we’re together.

We get to say anything to each other.

Things we’d never say to anyone else, even ourselves.

What don’t we say to ourselves?

How about my ass looks good in that space suit.

I mean it. I’m a good looking woman.

Well that’s nice of you to say.

I also... find myself... quite attractive.

We forgot the ice cream.

I want you back in my guts like I’m one of your sick little fillies.

Goddammit, Morty! You can’t just take my controller.

Yes I can! It’s mine.

-Okay, Sum-Sum, gimme. -Make your own controller,

some of us need all the control we can get.

Fuck you!

So why are you so suddenly into realistic video games?

-I already was. -But now you’re into them the way I am.

You mean like staring at them in a numb trance.

Not judging, just noticing.

You tend to notice stuff a little before I do.

But eventually you do notice.

And now we can both not notice together, yes.

My god, Beth?!

I thought you said you got ice cream?

-I. It must be in the... -The car! We left it in the car.

Okay, good, because that would have been weird!

I worry things might become more and more noticeable.

And if he kills himself we’re gonna have to get a new dad

Jesus Christ, Summer!

-Dad. What’s this? -Making a controller.

This species of bionic space whale has carbon wiring, great for smooth gameplay.

I’m not killing it, for the record.

I’m just replacing its esophagus with a better one. For free.

It should thank me. And it will, with its mind.

These things are telepathic, Beth, they talk to you in dreams.

Does your replicator thing make ice cream from the Gloppy Drop system?

Why would you want replicated Gloppy Drop ice cream, poser?

Crazy thing, I went with Space Beth to get some and we had such a great time

we forgot the ice cream. Crazy right?

-That’s a real question? -Maybe?

Come here, hold the pup down.

You’re talking about an infinite father.

I’ve met myself out there infinite times...

Infinite shit happens. Including, as you put it, forgetting the ice cream.

-You’ve... forgotten the ice cream? -Drill me for details when I’m drunker.

In the meantime, don’t worry about what’s crazy.

-I’know, as the kids say, you do you. -Thanks. Thank you so much, Dad.

One thing to keep in mind, though.

It’s not just your own ice cream you’re forgetting. It’s your family’s.

If you forget it too much, you start having to keep secrets.

-And you’re against secrets. -Against? Hell no. Secrets are great.

For instance, I’ve had a pint of vanilla Gloppy Drop in my fridge this whole time.

Take it. I’m just saying, lies pile up.

Like credit card debt. You retain an advantage by staying liquid.

Gotcha. Well. I’d call this a simple cash transaction.

Fun. And. Done.

Favorite Culkin?

-Kieran! -Kieran!

Favorite song by Britney?

-Work Bitch! -Work Bitch!

Favorite hangover cure?

-Hair of the dog -Hair of the dog

with a guilty pleasure like Humans Weekly.

I told Dad. I mean I didn’t have to. He knew.

I guess that’s one reason you didn’t have to tell him.

What’d he say?

We kind of talked in code, I think he said it’s fine

until it makes us feel indebted to our lessers.

That sounds like Dad.

Do... we... owe... the family an explanation?

Do we have to spend our time together figuring out how to please others?

I’m married. We both are but I’m in our marriage.

It’s the defining difference between us.

Well there’s no rule book that says you have to be.

What’s gonna happen? What is this? Are we in love? With ourself?

I mean, does that make us the most or the least healthy woman in the universe?

Anybody ever tell you you’re overly analytical? Which I do love?

-If that’s what you need to call it? -I don’t need to call it anything.

-I would like to know... its shelf life. -I might know a way to gather that data.

-The Holodeck! -Motel Room!

I like yours better.

Beth! My Beth! Well, not “my” Beth, but... I finished! It’s done!

Kids do you know where your moms are? Oh you’re busy with your GamePod,

don’t worry about it, I’ll find those two somewhere

No! No, dad, come play videogames with us.

Okay Dad here’s the infinite menu screen.

-I dunno. -Here, here,

I’ll have the console choose a game!

Maybe let’s skip this one?

Really? Why? Looks fun!

So we are a woman married to a man but having a sexual affair with another woman!

-Very spicy. -Very spicy, Jer. Good job.

Looks pretty single player, kids?

Seriously you two?! What the hell did you do in my holodeck?!

Holy shit, you did a full ‘San Junipero’ in here?

My god, Beth, there’s masturbating and then there’s masturbating.

-Dad stop, I’m sorry! -You’d know, old man.

Look, this isn’t my business and by all means

enjoy being sapphic horse girls together. But you suck at doing it secretly.

-We all know. -Including Jerry?!

No, Dad’s so in the dark that he’s enjoying a video game

about being in an affair right now.

If you guys are doing this, you gotta tell him.

-Okay, little man, back off. -Take it easy. They’re right.

Right about what, that we have to be twice as considerate

and twice as repressed because some dick split us in two?

This is the shit I left. This isn’t. This is me.

This is the me that doesn’t tell you all to fuck off. So allow me. Fuck off.

She’ll tell her husband what she wants when she feels like it.

And you can deal with it or you can deal with me.

But you should know I have all the Predator weapons.

-Works for me. -That’s cool.

-Fair enough. -I guess it’s time for ice cream.

Come on, kids, you’re inhaling this stuff.

Your Moms went to space, did you even thank them for doing it?

Thanks for... doing it, Moms.

Very selfless of you.

Eat your ice cream however you want. Nothing good lasts forever.

Okay, c’mon, it’s Thanksgiving, the least we can do is speak English.

Jerry, I had sex with your wife.

Or, I’m your wife and had sex with the clone you sleep with.

Your pick. We had sex. We loved it.

Beth Sanchez sure is something?

-I think I’ll ask her to prom. -Jerry. For your own sake.

Stay away from Beth Sanchez.

-Worst case, she says “no”. -No, Jerry. Worst case she says “yes”.

She’s too much woman for you. Maybe she’d find your simple naïveté endearing

but she’s intense. Sooner or later, she’d tear you apart.

I’d be lucky to be torn apart by Beth Sanchez.

-What the fuck?! -Dad’s a bug! Dad rolled into a bug!

Forgot I installed that.

-Why does Jerry have a Pill Bug Protocol? -It’s an emotional defense system.

I got drunk with Jerry one night

and he said it’s what he wanted most in the world.

Don’t blame me, I wanted tattoos

Anyway, he’s in perfect health in there and he can unroll when he chooses to

but can also stay in metabolic hibernation pretty much indefinitely.

It’s a cool power to have, like if you have to fly coach

or if Summer asks you what you thought of ‘Wonder Woman 1984

-How do we undo it? -Only he can.

That’s the point. It’s total safety. Even I can’t reverse it.

If you try to pry him out and hit a nerve, he’ll literally turn into a Shrek.

In his own sad way, he’s taken control.

This is classic Jerry. He’d rather be a bug than have a conversation.

Have you heard the way you start conversations?

You ladies discuss responsibility while I get stoned

and play video games with your kids.

-Fuck! More forest! -Look around!

Try heading North?

-Oh shit. -Wait, what the fuck.

Maybe keep heading North?

-What the hell?! -God, what happens in the shadows?

Jerry, sweetie?

-If you can hear me, please, unroll. -He doesn’t want to.

It’s a little late to worry about what he wants.

Jesus, Beth, don’t fall for this. This isn’t love, it’s a tantrum.

Yeah but his tantrum is self destructive. Yours is destructive.

Maybe that’s why I’m the one that loves him. He worries.

He wants to do right. He’s ashamed when he fails.

Aren’t those things you love about me?

You want me to be like him? You want me to propose? Threaten to kill myself?

No. I love you the way you are. And I did it forever in a video game.

But in life, things go wrong. Things stop working.

I like to fix those things, and when I can’t, I’m pretty useless.

-Like my husband. -I don’t get it.

You’re the house wife and I’m the space lady

but you’re the one that chewed me up and spit me out.

I don’t want to just forget about you.

Me neither. It’s a problem.

But we know someone that owes us a solution.

Shit, we’re out of the forest! We found a clearing!

Go check it out! Go check out the clearing!

Vampires?! Oh, come on! That’s not realistic!

Morty, it’s obviously set in a world where vampires hunt in clearings.

How did you...

I’m working with the same information you are.

No more screen time until your homework’s done, Dad.

-What did that mean? -We refuse to care

Damn. You really came of age this Thanksgiving.

How old are we? We’ve had a million Thanksgivings.

-Can I explain how irrational this is? -Asked the guy that cloned his daughter.

Will I ever live that down?

-No -No

You guys are having me Eternal Sunshine

all the Multiplicity porn scenes from your minds?

-Yep. Basically. -Sounds right.

Meanwhile, everyone around you, your father, your cuckhold husband,

your jaded children will just happily and silently bear the burden

because it’s more practical for them than the truth

and you don’t care becausei t won’t be your problem.

-Solid repipe, Dad. -It’s like he has a lifetime of experience

as a selfish ass.

When this fails and the two of you fall in love again

and you attack me for taking part in this,

I’m gonna lie and say I tried to talk you out of it for hours.

In truth, I don’t care.

-Three, two... -For God’s sake, all of you, grow up.

-Jerry! You un rolled! -What the hell?

Plot twist, Deus Ex Husbanda.

Don’t lobotomize yourselves for my comfort.

I may be a man but I’m also a baby and babies don’t take responsibility

for other people’s suffering. I should never have said I’d kill myself

if you left me. It’s not true.

All I’d do is pack my shit and cry while I look for a job on Starbuck’s wifi.

And that’s what I’m gonna do.

So the two of you can get clone lesbian married by a robot

and finger yourselves on the moon while laughing in Martian French

-about my weird little dick! -Jerry, wait.

-Jerry, don’t leave angry. -Should I float out on a lotus leaf?

I have to be twice as confident because my wife cheated on me with herself?

-It’s not even cheating. -You here to help? You suck.

You don’t even know which one is your real wife.

If it’s me, have you been cheating with a clone?

I’m not the clone but she has a point.

what a provocative conversation it would’ve been great to have before

the two of you, and I am counting two,

gave each other unfairly expert orgasms while mocking my weird little dick!

Jerry, you’re the only one who keeps saying weird and little.

Well you’ve both seen it! And you’ve both seen each other

and now you want to tell me all about it but it’s a little late.

My God. You’re not mad that it was about you. You’re mad that it wasn’t.

He wanted to permit our love.

Okay it’s not "Handmaid’s Tale" to loop in your husband.

I agree for the record, we made a mistake.

because we should’ve noticed ourselves losing control and gone to Sexmaster Jerry

and said oh pretty please, Jerry, can I make out with myself?

Yes you may.

See. Not so hot when it’s above board. Homewreckers.

-So we won’t enjoy this? -Well hold on hold on, this is weird.

Weird and permitted.

-Wait, you like this? -Who cares what he likes.

-I do. -I might like it

-and if she likes it I permit it. -You little pervert.

-You like a little pervert. -I like humiliating a little pervert.

-I approve. Carry on. -I’m freaked out by how hot this is.

-Am I permitted to do this? -Until further notice.

-I love it. -Then it’s permitted from now on.

Because you like whatever she likes. Because you’re a worm.

I will allow that assessment.

-Pass the salt? -Dammit.

-I allow this. -Well then it’s required.

I approve the requirement.

-You get over there. -Good idea

-Okay. Honey? -I’m fine if you are.

-You’re never fine, shut up. -Okay but... Okay.

-This is not how I pictured this but... -I have zero complaints so far.

-Because I know what you want. -I do not disagree with that.

-Can I make a pitch? What if we... -Are you serious?

-Is this making fun of me? -Well is that bad?

I’ll allow it.

Jesus Christ, you need to fix the portal gun, Rick.

Morty, you asking makes me wanna do it less.

Okay, Thanksgiving! Let’s talk about Thanksgiving!

Who’s thankful for what? Go, Summer, you first.

I guess I’m thankful, for like, water?

Perfect! Wonderful! Morty, what about you?

Fucking. Are you fucking kidding me? Why? Why?

Discovery Channel! Discovery Channel, why?!

Okay. Just, eat your food. Everyone eat the food.

Sorry, I'm... this...

Well, bye kids! I’ll keep an eye out for my grandkid in space.

Your what? Oh! Right. Naruto.

Thanks for visiting, Space Beth.

Well, seems like we all learned a little lesson this weekend!

-At least, I know I did! -Me too, Jerry. Me too.

Hello there, Jerry! How can I help you today?

Howdy! Just, just here to hang!

I’m sorry, sweetie. You can’t come here by yourself.

Why not? It’s just me in there!

Well, not that this is something you’d do, but sometimes we have Jerries come here

and try to touch other Jerries.

No, that’s, that’s not good. Well, see you later!

-Okay. -Thank you!