Original subtitles

Oh Mr. Brown! Is this the jumble for our school fete?

Yes, just a few things my students brought in.

What are these?

Sikh underwear from Ranjit.

We can always ask the needlework class to stitch up the flys...

take a bit off the legs and put them up as a pair of peddlepushers

Stories of Chairman Mao

No need to ask where that came from.

- Danielle? - Max.

I beg your pardon!

He says he found it in his pocket and has no idea how it got there.

Unlikely story.

Well, you better bring this along to my office later.

We'll lock it up with the rest of the stuff until Saturday.

Very well.

- By the way, we've got one. - One what?

Don't you ever read the notice board?

Obviously not.

There has been a notice on the board for the past two weeks...

to the effect that we are hoping to get a celebrity...

to open our school fete.

Yes, I remember now. Who have we got?

Robert Dogul.

Remember, he used to read the news?

I've got the art class making stickers with his name on...

to put across the posters.

Good evening, Mr. Sevantis. How's your English?

Your English?

You're English, I'm Spanish.

Sorry I asked.

- Where are the others? - Everybody is coming, pronto.

I come first to talk, how you say? Ambre to ambre...

- Man to man. - So right.

I meet a beautiful senorita.

I have met a beautiful girl.

Just like me. What's her name?

I haven't met anyone. I was merely correcting your English.

- Spanish. - What!

Sorry!

Well, I want to take Rita, that's her name...

for a weekend holiday. But she lives with her mother...

and she says maybe her mother will not let her come away with me.

- What can I do? - Why don't you ask her mother?

I don't want to go away with her mother.

Ask Rita's mother if you can go away with her on holiday.

You think she will say yes?

I have no idea. What are your intentions?

About what?

I'll be blunt. Are you hoping to get Rita into your room?

- No. - Good.

Not my room, her room. I'll book one room.

In that case, I can't help you.

You'll just have to make your own decision.

Excuse please.

- I'm buying you a cup of tea. - Thank you, Ali.

I'm buying you a chocolate biscuit.

Thank you, Ranjit.

Unfortunately, while I'm coming from the canteen, I'm eating it.

Never mind, it's the thought that counts.

- This is funny. - What is it?

This tea tastes like coffee.

Excuse please.

The tea is tasting like coffee.

Oh blimy! That is explaining it.

Explaining what?

All the time I'm in the canteen...

I'm thinking my coffee is teasing like tea.

I don't think I'll bother. Sit down everybody.

We've still got a lot to do tonight.

Max... would you put that cigar out, please?

Sorry boss.

Before we go any further, I want to talk to you about the school fete.

We're looking forward to it.

Have we got someone famous to open it?

- Yes. Robert Dogul. - Never heard of him.

I have see him on television, Masterji.

Dogul, Florence, and Gemini.

No Jamila, that's a doggy sort of Dogul.

This is Robert Dogul who used to be a news reader.

- He's retired now. - That's no good.

It's better we get someone who's in the news now.

Like Angela Ripoff.

- Ripon. - Excuse me.

I am liking the other one better, Annie Mini.

- Annie Mini? - She reads news on ITV.

- Anna Ford? - Royal car.

Ms. Courtney should have asked me.

What for? You're not famous.

No, but I'm a friend of a big man on television.

Another one of your fairy's tales.

It's true. He's a big star of Celebrity Square Eyes.

- He's not Pub Monkey? - No.

- Willy Rushington? - No.

The Cockney man.

- Arthur Mala. - Yeah, that's him.

- You know him well? - Like a brother.

He'd have been very happy to come and open the fete.

Well, it's too late now, we've already got Mr. Dogul.

What I would really like to know is what each one of you are doing...

to help the fete to raise money...

as you know that whatever we take goes to charity...

so we obviously want to make as much money as we can.

What we have thought of will make a fortune.

Good. Tell me what you are doing, Anna.

Jamila and me, we'll bring some bathroom scales...

and will charge 2p for one weigh.

Excellent idea. Ali, what are you doing?

Ranjit and I are having a very good game.

We are putting empty tins on a piece of wood.

And only for 5p, you can throw three balls to know them down.

- Are there any prizes? - Oh yes please.

If you are knocking three tins down...

you are winning one pound.

You could lose money on that.

No, you are being mistaken.

Nobody is knocking down even one tin.

Why not?

We are nailing the tins to the piece of wood.

Very ingenuous.

What are you doing?

- I make plenty money with Danielle. - Doing what?

- Selling kisses. - Also, we have plenty fun.

How much are you selling your kisses for?

5p, 10p, 15p.

- What's the difference? - I'll show you.

For 5p, you kiss on one cheek.

For 10p you kiss on both cheeks.

And for 15p...

I buy one of those 15p kisses.

I won't kiss you.

Not you, Danielle; you stupid Spanish pile.

You no speak to me like that, you macaroni face.

Don't fight you two. Sit down and behave.

That means you too.

Max, what have you in mind for Saturday?

I'll tell you.

- Boss asked me to tell him. - We'll both tell him.

Okay.

- We got a great idea. - We got a great idea.

- Jam jars. - Jam jars.

Jam jars?

- That's right. - That's right.

You're beginning to sound like an echo, Max.

Do you have to repeat everything Givani says?

Sorry boss.

- First, we get the jam jars. - First, we get the jam jars.

- Don't you start! - Excuse me.

We'll put the jam jars on the floor.

And people will try to throw 10p into ourjar.

If they miss, we keep the 10p.

And if they get one in, they win 5p.

- We can't lose. - Brain wave!

I don't think you'll get many takers.

- Are you doing anything? - Yes.

Mr. Brown, Ms. Courtney asked me to remind you to take the jumble in.

Thank you, Sid. I'll be here straight away.

I won't be a minute. In the meantime turn to page 130...

and study the chapter on close analysis.

- Max, would you clean the board? - Okay boss.

Oh no! How awful!

Are you sure? Oh dear!

Yes well, thank you very much for telling me. Bye.

- Bad news? - Extremely.

Mr. Dogul has flu, he is confined to bed.

Great! There goes our celebrity.

Now what are we going to do? We've got no one to open the fete.

- Just a minute. Max! - Max? The Greek?

But he's not a celebrity.

No, he reportedly knows Arthur Mala, the TV chappie.

Oh yes, I think I know the one you mean. Speaks a bit like Sydney.

That's him.

I suppose beggars can't be choosers.

You think Mr. Papandreos can get this Mr. Malad?

- Mala. - Mala, yes.

Max, I want a word with you.

I was telling Ms. Courtney you now Arthur Mala.

Do you, or don't you?

Come on, speak up!

Max, how many times do I have to tell you smoking is...

Never mind about that now, Mr. Brown.

You know Mr. Mala really well, do you?

We are just like that. He'll do anything for me.

And you say he'll be happy to open our fete?

Sure.

- I think he's far too busy. - For me, he'll drop anything.

Good.

Then you can ask him to open our fete on Saturday.

Okay, I'll ask him to... what?

Tell him to be there by 12 O'clock.

We'll pay his expenses ofcourse.

Oh thank you, Mr. Papandreos, you have saved the day.

Now come along Mr. Brown...

Hey, what's the matter with you? You no look very happy.

I'm not very happy.

Oh blimy! I think he's dropping clinker.

Fairy's tales, Max?

I did meet him... once.

- When? - Two years ago.

I sat next to him on a bus.

Have you got the news? They've got Arthur Mala.

Why, what's he done?

To the fete. He's going to open the fete.

- Oh yeah? - I think he's lovely.

He's going to be down the weekend pushing down a pile of pennies.

Do you think I can get his autograph?

If you think you can speak a bit badder.

What's the matter with the way he speaks? He speaks just like you.

He speaks nothing like me. He's common.

- What are you going to do, Max? - What about?

About your great celebrity man that you do not know.

- Nothing. - You've got to do something, Max.

Don't worry, I've fixed everything.

After the class, I go to the pub and telephone Ms. Courtney.

I'll tell her I just spoke to my good friend, Arthur...

and he'll be delighted to come and open the fete.

Unfortunately, he's already engaged.

Why don't you tell the truth?

I don't think he knows what truth means.

You've all been studying close analysis?

Good. Books away, please.

Ali, what is an adverbial clause?

Oh blimy!

Anybody?

Then I suggest for your homework...

you all write down the chapter on close analysis.

It's time to go now. See you all at the fete on Saturday.

Max, when will you know Arthur Mala?

I go to call him from pub now.

Max, use Ms. Courtney's phone, I'm sure she won't mind.

Sorry boss much better I call him from pub.

Will you let Ms. Courtney know as soon as you've spoken to him?

- We'll be here for a while. - Okay.

- Fits well? - It's very nice, Sid.

- Joining for modeling, Sid? - No, just trying the jacket.

Ms. Courtney said everything on the row is for $5.

- Very reasonable. - Can I pay you now...

cause I won't be at the fete. That day is chill out at the pub.

Why not? You can have the first choice.

Well, here's my fiver.

I'll see Ms. Courtney gets it later.

Are you going to be at the fete, Gladys?

Oh, I wouldn't miss a Mala for anything.

Steady now! We don't want to knock it down before Sunday.

You won't let me do it.

- Are you ready for another pint? - Yes.

I'll be back in a minute, I'm going to the wash room.

- What will you have? - Half a pint.

Two half pints, Miss.

And I'll have one pint.

I thought you couldn't hear very well.

What?

He hears when he wants to.

Two halves, and a pint.

Hey, you better go and phone Ms. Courtney.

Okay. Sid, you have Ms. Courtney's number?

Yes. What do you want it for?

I've got to phone her about Arthur Mala.

Oh him! Do I speak like the way he does?

Yeah... hey wait a minute! I've got an idea!

Yes! Come over here.

- Bring the drinks, Givani. - Okay buddies.

Will you make me a favor, Shit?

What sort of...

What sort of favour?

It's worth a quid.

- Who do you want knocked off? - Nothing like that.

I want you to call up Ms. Courtney and tell her you are Arthur Mala...

and that you won't be able to come to open the fete.

I thought you were supposed to have fixed all that.

He's not fixed nothing. He doesn't even know Arthur Mala.

You spoke too much?

Will you do it?

For a quid, I'll do anything.

Hello? Ms. Courtney? Max Papandroes here.

I've got Mr. Mala to speak with you.

Good evening Mr. Mala.

It's kind of you to open our fete on Saturday.

Yes, that's what I was phoning you about.

We can't pay you a fee, but we will pay your expenses ofcourse.

Say fifty pounds?

- Fifty quid! - Cash.

Oh, that's lovely. What time do you want me to be there?

- 2:30. - 2:30?

Alright, I'll see you there on Saturday at 2:30. Chill out, love.

- What are you doing! - Are you crazy?

She offered me fifty quid in cash.

Wrong. She's offered that to Arthur Mala.

Everyone thinks I speak like him.

All I need is to appear in disguise.

And a big pair of stilts.

It's not going to work. You are a nobody.

Atleast I tried. Cheers.

I got to get back.

I'm up the creek without a paddle.

You are up the creek without even a boat.

- Santa Maria! - What's the matter?

Without turning around, who does the man at the bar remind you of?

How can I see without turning around?

Just have a quick look.

No idea.

- Arthur Mala. - Nothing like him.

Sure it is. I bet he fool a lot of people.

Specially Ms. Courtney.

Hey, you might be right.

Come on.

- Excuse me. - Yes?

Has anyone ever told you, you look like Arthur Mala?

- Arthur who? - Arthur Mala. He's on television.

I'm never good at television.

Never mind.

What are you doing Saturday afternoon?

Why?

We want you to impersonate Arthur Mala.

- What for? - It's just to open a fete.

- It's for a very good cause. - Whatever!

- It's only for half a hour. - And you'll be paid.

- How much? - Two pounds fifty.

- Two pounds fifty? - Not bad, eh?

Two pounds fifty for only half an hour's work.

Very generous.

Is that the sort of money this Arthur Mala gets?

Maybe he gets a bit more. Three pounds maybe.

But you're just impersonating him.

- You think I could do it? - Sure. You look a bit like him.

- Just speak a bit rougher. - Rougher?

- This Arthur Mala is very rough. - Is he?

- He speaks just like a slob. - A slob!

That's because he's thick.

- What! I'll tell you something? - What's that?

I am Arthur Mala!

That's good!

He's getting into the part.

- Leo. - Yes Arthur?

Tell these two blokes who I am.

Arthur Mala.

Holy Ravioli!

He really is Arthur Mala.

- Slob you call me? - sHe didn't mean it.

Now I'll show you what I mean.

You idiot, ignorant, spaghetti eating twit!

It's only my good nature that's stopping me from punching you.

- Mr. Mala. - What?

Does that mean you won't be coming to open our fete?

You must be joking.

Now look what you've done. You and your big mouth!

My big mouth? What about your big mouth?

- You started it. - I'll tell you something?

Arthur is right. You are a ignorant spaghetti eating twit.

Listen Shorty. You get up off your knees and say that.

- Don't you speak to me like that. - Don't you push me like that.

Push off!

Is it raining in the office Mr. Brown?

No.

I'm just checking it. I'm thinking of buying this.

You know that it is unlucky to put up an umbrella indoors.

It's good I'm not superstitious.

- How's that? - Oh! Very nice.

You can take it and hand them out.

I think it's time we were all going home.

- Well that's funny. - What is?

I don't seem to be able to find my coat.

I'll have a look. What sort is it?

It's a tweed with fur on the cuffs.

- And fur on the collar. - Yes.

- Oh dear! - What's the matter?

I thought everything on this row was for the jumble sale.

What have you done with my coat?

I sold it to Gladys for five pounds.

- You've done what! - Don't worry, I'll get it back.

- Sid, where's Gladys? - She's gone.

- Oh great! Where does she live? - 29, Kulmoor Terrace.

Wait a minute. She'll be in the boozer.

Finished.

Good. Now you be more careful next time.

- Here are your drinks. - Cheers.

I should have to go.

Tata Leo! See you. Tata boys.

Hello Gladys... Oh Gladys!

- Mr. Brown? - Where is it?

- Where's what? - The coat you bought.

I need it back. It's Ms. Courtney's.

The coat? Oh well, I've sold it.

- Sold it? To whom? - Leo, behind the bar.

Excuse me.

- Yes sir, what you want? - A ladies coat.

This may come as a shock to you, sir...

but this is a pub, not a boutique.

No, I mean the coat Gladys sold you. I must have it back.

Bit kinky are you?

Pardon?

I've heard of fellas like you dressing in women's clothes.

I don't wear it. It's our school principal's.

I sold it to Gladys by mistake.

Oh... alright, I'll go and get it.

- Hello boss. - What are you doing here?

It's a long story.

Here you are.

Thank you. And here's your five pounds.

- Ten. - Pardon?

I bought it for ten.

- You want a drink, professor? - sNo thanks, no time.

Got to get back this coat to Ms. Courtney.

Hit the tin and win a pound.

Kiss a beautiful girl for 5p, one kiss.

10p, two kiss.

15p...

Taking the jumble stand?

Jolly good.

Be quick. You might sell a few before the official opening.

- Hello boss. - Max! Where's Arthur Mala?

Well, it's like this. I... maybe he's had an accident.

Tell him, Max.

Down in the basement, we have a gymnasium.

Very nice.

Mr. Brown! This is Mr. Brown, our English teacher.

How do you do?

- And you know Max, ofcourse. - Yes.

Very good of you to come.

Well, it was for a good cause.

And I could not have let Max down, could I?

I told you he was a friend of mine.

Well come along now, it's time we opened the fete.

Mr. Papandreos, if you could be awfully kind...

to get my coat. I think it's hanging on the rail in the office.

Oh no!

Now what's the matter?

It doesn't matter. See you at the fete.