All language subtitles for Fuhgddabout.Christmas.2022.720p.WEBRip.800MB.x264-GalaxyRG

[Male singer] ♪ MTV ♪

[Sway] Hey, what's up, world?
Welcome to Sway's Universe.

And happy Thanksgiving to each
and every one of you.

And that banger I just played
is called

[Both]
Never Cared about Christmas

--by the one and only
Justina Valentine.

I got the queen
with me right here.

JV, what's poppin' with you?

Sway, what's poppin'? First of
all, thank you for having me.

And second of all,
is it hot in here,

or is that just my new record?

Oh, that's definitely
your new joint that's

heatin' up the charts, but I
gotta ask you about that title.

Never Cared About Christmas .
'Cause how the family feel?

They kick you off
that group chat yet?

They're on my phone plan,
so that wouldn't be

-a good move, Sway.
-Right? But are you gonna

see them today?

I'm running around
so much today.

I'll be lucky if somebody
saves me a damn turkey leg.

Dang, so you don't get
no days off?

Well, you can't shine
if you don't rhyme.

I gotta get that bread,
cheese and lettuce.

Make me a little money sandwich.

Ooh, you've got the
number one song.

-Cha-ching.
-You got the sold-out tour.

You got the number one
trend on TikTok.

-Viral.
-You are the hardest-working

woman in show business.

Gas me up 'cause
I ain't a Tesla.

I still wanna ask you seriously,
do you ever do anything special

around the holidays?

Well, my family's Italian,
so our big thing is a

Feast of the Seven Fishes
on Christmas Eve.

-Seven fishes?
-Picture this...

A full spread of seven fishes
prepared with love

by the olive oil-soaked hands
of Nonna.

We all get together,

and the only thing
bigger than the appetites

are our personalities,
all right? Memories of me,

fights break out, and I can
always depend on Nonno to fall

-asleep at the dinner table.
-Nonno falls asleep?

-Knocked, every time.
-Can I get an invite?

You spin my joint four more
times today, you get first crack

at the lobster tails.

If somebody cracks
a tail before you,

I'm gonna crack them. You know
what I'm talkin' about?

-Okay, bada bing.
-Bada boom.

All right.

♪ Never cared
about Christmas ♪

♪ I'd rather it was July ♪

♪ Always looked
at Kris Kringle ♪

♪ As just another creepy guy ♪

♪ Too much holiday spirit ♪

♪ Got everybody else
stumbling round ♪

Justina! We have
a whole day of interviews,

and I really need to prep you.

Sorry. I might've lied a little
when I said my family wasn't

pissed I missed Thanksgiving.

[phone ringing]
Do not answer that.

How's my favorite network doing
on this fine Thanksgiving?

Much better after
I heard your interview.

I had a brilliant idea,
and picture this--

The Feast of the Seven Fishes,
an Italian-American Christmas

story presented
by Justina Valentine.

Ha, ha, ha.

I mean, I would love to. I just
don't know about bailing on my

family for another holiday.

Bailing on them? Who said
anything about bailing on them?

We want the entire la familia.

Everyone wants to see
if Nonno can stay awake

throughout dinner.
Ha, ha, ha.

What's better than
a camera crew catching

a very Valentine Christmas?

♪ How can I fuhgeddabout
How can I fuhgeddabout ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

[Justina] Twas the night
before Christmas Eve

and all through the crib,
everything was a mess.

I had no presents to give.

♪ One scrub, two scrub,
three scrub, four ♪

♪ You looking like a janitor
that's mopping up the floor ♪

No stockings were hung.
It's not that I don't care,

but Christmas crept up on me.
I've been busy, I swear.

Y'all are not stars.

♪ I singlehandedly damage thee
with philantrophy ♪

♪ Run and tell 'em I got bars ♪

♪ Pretty boy, sissy boy,
tummy all bushy ♪

♪ How y'all a boy squad,
but still so pussy? ♪

[doorbell ringing]

Coming.
Sorry, Iz.

Girl, how long you gonna
leave me waitin' out there?

-It's freezin'.
-I can tell.

Your headlights are on. My bad.
My flight got delayed twice

last night. I just got in. I'm
trying to catch up on some Z's.

Well, you need to catch up
on this tree.

Izzy, she's my best friend
since the third grade.

I couldn't get rid
of her if I tried.

And believe me, I have.

-I got this.
-Oh, you got this, huh?

Did you hear that,
mountain of dirty clothes?

Don't worry. She's got it.

Izzy Marone,
she's a ball buster.

Iz, give it a rest, will ya?
I've been traveling all month.

Plus it's what?
Noon, December 22nd.

The camera crew's not
coming til Christmas Eve.

I got two full days to,
you know.

What, clean, decorate, cook?
Which by the way, you can't.

You didn't buy a single gift.

You know me so well,
but I've always said

my presence is the present.

Me and Izzy, it's a
love and hate relationship.

I love her,
but I hate her mouth.

Well, newsflash.
It's 5:00 PM, not noon.

-And it's December 23rd.
-December 23rd? Real nice, Iz.

You wasted a whole day
with your chattin'.

Now I'm behind schedule.

-You're behind because of me.
-Glad you can admit it.

And to make up for it,
you're gonna help me prepare

for La Festa de Pecha.

I don't got 79 hours
to get your life together.

Please, Iz?
You're pretty when you're mad.

Fine. Let's go.

-I love you.
-Now.

So I feel like now's
i a good time to mention

my family doesn't know
about the camera crew.

They're pissed about the song,

and they think I hate Christmas.

So I know you're busy,

but you're never too busy
to get busy.

[phone ringing]

-Is that him calling right now?
-How do I look?

-You look amazing.
-C-O-N-ceited,

my favorite Floridian bird.

You ready to migrate
to the tri-state?

Ho, ho, ho, ho. How is my
favorite host with the most?

Yeah, that's me.

Oh, Conceited,
you're so handsome.

I should really tell you that
more often.

But since you always tell me

I have way better bars
than you, we good.

All right, look, sweetie.
I hope you kept the receipt,

because that doll
is clearly broken.

Well, yo, I can't wait
to have my first crazy

Italian Christmas.

Well, Con, me and Iz are here
working like two little elves

gettin' ready
for your big arrival.

Elf? You said you and Izzy,

so that's more like two
nutcrackers.

Too bad you ain't got
no nuts to crack, ya bird.

I'll see ya tonight?

Are you wearin' the same
color as Rudolf's nose?

You're damn right. Ciao.

So Iz in her heels
and I in my kicks

headed straight to the mall
to snatch up some gifts.

Damn Jus, is there anywhere
in the world that isn't

-playing this song right now?
-I hope not. Girl, we lit.

Well, at least cover your hair.
I don't want you to get

-mauled in this mall.
-Okay.

Homophone. It's when two words
sound alike, but forget it.

-My mother keeps calling me.
-No, Jus. Call her back later.

All right, we don't
got time for this.

Oh no!

Justina, congratulations.

Oh my God! The kids are
gonna love that.

Let me see this. Hey, do they
have any more of these left?

Nah, they're sold out,
but I got them in the trunk.

Only you in the trunk.
What else you got in the trunk?

-I don't wanna know.
-No.

We love you, but we gotta run,
all right? This one over here

has literally done nothing yet
and is hosting Christmas Eve.

-Hosting? You?
-Yeah, hosting.

-You?
-It'll be fine, but Renee,

I need some help.
Where can I get some balls,

not those type of balls, lights,
trees, ornaments, gifts for the

family and a fish, of course,
for the Seven Fish Feast

-in the next two hours?
-Okay, let me make a phone call.

Go to Sabino. Tell him I sent
you. They got you on the fish.

-Don't forget the Baccala.
-Okay.

-Get there before 10:00.
-10:00? We gotta go, Jus.

Come on. We don't
got time for this.

-I love you.
-The picture.

-A picture?
-Keep everything in these bags.

-We gotta go.
-Okay, ready?

-Yeah, that's my bad side.
-I'll take it. I've got my

-phone right here. Come on.
-With the flash on.

Another one. Another one like
Cala said, another one.

I love ya. Buon natale.

Take the doll.
Tell your son I said hello.

-He was always here.
-Yeah, watch that.

-Is he still married?
-Watch that.

All right, I'll watch it.
Come on.

[music]

Dat Boi, what are you doing
here?

Whatcha mean,
what am I doing here?

-What?
-I'm here to support.

First of all,
Conceited looks mad ugly.

I bought it here.
I bought it for my son.

I look damn good, but I am
a little thicker than this.

-Baby, I don't know.
-Man, anyway-

You know what I've been
needing too, that feature?

I got you. Dat Boi, we are
living the American dream.

-Justina in Jersey.
-Before y'all head out,

-we can take a picture.
-Oh yeah, come on. Of course.

-Come on.
-Okay, fine. One picture.

-Izzy, come on.
-One picture.

-Make me look thick.
-You're too antsy.

I'm gettin' rid of her
after this Christmas.

And make sure you
get my good side.

She's done. Yeah, me too. Get my
good side too. Do I look thicc?

-Ooh, thicc. I don't know-
-How do I look?

-Amazing. Wow.
-All right. I love you, bro.

-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas.

I've been doing my squats
though.

Don't you think I'm a little
thicker than the doll?

-No.
-A little bit?

Mm-mm.

[music]

♪ Never cared about Christmas ♪

♪ What's Santa Claus
to Scrooge ♪

Wow. Now this is the best
store in the mall. Period.

Woo, woo, it's you!
It's really you!

-That's crazy!
-All right, all right.

Humble, is it? Listen, we got a
lot to get in a little bit of

time, all right? So first off-

Iz, I found the perfect gifts
for the entire family.

Dolls of you and Con?

What? Is it too conceited,
Humble?

[laughing]

We literally have, like, 11
minutes before Sabino's closes.

Where's your holiday spirit?

Humble, don't worry about her
because I got tees.

I got hoodies. I got elves.
I've even got hats.

Everything I need.
Bada bing bada boom, capiche ?

You are hilarious
even in real life, man.

This is nuts.

Yeah, she's a real pisser, all
right? So anything else we need?

We have everything
but the ornaments.

-How's these?
-You have good taste.

Well, I got the job, didn't I?

Uh-huh. Well, look,
I feel like

I got more done
than an elf in July.

All right, Humble, everything
on this rack, bag it, tag it.

And if a Grinch acts up,
I will drag it.

You know what? Just do this.
I got you.

The hoodies, everything.
Get it all.

If you don't cheer up
one of these days,

you're gonna get a hernia.

This mamaluke, there's my day
one right there.

-And I always got your back.
-Like a bra strap.

[Both] Yeah.

Hey Jus, who you gonna
call for a ride?

What do you mean ride?
You're leaving me?

I gotta get to Sabino's.

Sabino's closes
in three minutes.

Now what am I gonna do
about food for tomorrow?

-Yo J!
-Tonio!

-Yo, you need some help?
-Yeah, I gotta get to Sabino's

in two minutes.

Oh my God, they don't call me
two-minute man for nothin'.

Merry Christmas,
you filthy animal.

Good luck!

-You ready to go?
-Andiamo.

Yah!

♪ Gonna go to Sabino's ♪

- ♪ Better go get some-- ♪
-Ooh.

-Girl!
-DC, what the hell are you

-doin' out here?
-Dang, Justina, I came down here

to get to Sabino's 'cause I
heard they had the best fish on

the East Coast, so now I'm about
to go to Georgia and dig in it.

Wait, can you hook me up
with a recipe or something?

Listen to me. You couldn't cook
if Moses came down here and

gave you his hands, okay?

-Now part the sea. Excuse me.
-Well, let me at least try one.

Now just because she hang around
a lot of Black people,

that don't mean she know
how to cook.

Last time I invited Justina
over to a barbecue,

I said, you know what, Justina?

I feel like you can hang.
Don't you know she brought

some mayonnaise? What the hell
we gonna put on some mayonnaise

out here? This is ribs!

You can't try one of these.

You can try some from that--
Oops.

They are closed.

Look like you're
in a fishy situation.

No wonder you are so crabby.
Guess what? I heard your

-little shrimp coming to town.
-Oh Con? Yeah, he is.

Don't care.

-I'll wrestle you for it.
-Let go of my Sabino's.

No!

She got her own fish. I don't
know why she want my fish for.

Her fish always smellin'.

Girl, you know you don't want
these problems.

♪ JV, I'll win the game
I score a hat trick ♪

♪ You won't look good in person
You a catfish ♪

♪ Listen, Justina
You leave me no choice ♪

♪ I still hate your voice ♪

Thank you.
Stay wavy!

Don't be actin' like a little
fish outta water either.

-I wasn't done!
-Doesn't matter! I won!

And stay true, Justina!
Don't be a tilapia!

-Ugggghhh!
-[DC] Stay safe!

It's hard to catch a cab
when you're Black.

[banging on door]

♪ What'd you-- ♪

Justina drink coffee at night.
That's why her voice

sound like that.

You still tryin' to get my fish?
What's wrong with you, girl?

-Give me the fish!
-You get your ass on!

I'm so disappointed
in myself, T.

I really wanted to get this
right for my family,

especially with
the whole world watching.

-I hear you, sis.
-Well, let's put our heads

together and figure out how we
can get this fish by tomorrow.

Okay.

I didn't mean literally.

[phone ringing]

Shh, this is Con.

C-O-N-ceited.

Okay, there's been
a slight delay.

Don't tell me you
missed your flight.

No, my flight missed me.
Okay, it is their loss.

But Justina, even if I was
ready what, what?

You're not even home.
Where you at?

I'm just gettin' a couple of
last-minute holiday snacks.

Okay, wait, wait. I need you to
get hot sauce and, and get some

seasoning 'cause I know there's
no seasoning at your house.

And salt and pepper
does not count.

Con, I'm Italian.

You're gonna get lost
in all this sauce.

-I'll be there in the morning.
-Ciao for now.

I gotta pull this off, T.
Especially since everybody's

cannolis are in a bunch
about the new record.

Available on all
streaming platforms now.

-Never Cared About Christmas ?
-Yeah.

It doesn't have
the best message.

You too? Anyway, let's think.
Where can we get this fish

at 10:30 PM on the night
before Christmas Eve?

Who's the most powerful
Italian we know?

[music]

-Justina?
-Vin?

Are you okay? Is Joe Button
over there bothering you?

This is Tonio.
What are you doing here.

Mr. Sabino just got in
from fishing.

He puts aside the freshest of
the fresh for me and Aunt Sylvia

for tomorrow night's dinner.

-Only you, Vin.
-Merry Christmas, Justina.

How's your mother and
Uncle Tony? Everybody good?

Good, good. Everybody's good,
Aunt Syl. How you been?

Thank God. God bless.
Good, good. Everybody's good.

-That's good.
-Justina, what are you

-even doing here?
-I came to get fish

for Christmas Eve. I'm hosting
my family for the first time

tomorrow night, and they closed
before I could get in.

-You're hosting Christmas Eve?
-Yeah.

That's one invite I hope
gets lost in the mail.

Don't worry, Justina.
You and Tony come in with us,

and you pick out your fish.

-Aunt Syl, I couldn't impose.
-Impose? Aren't we supposed

to get these fishes?

-Oh, come on. It's the best
fish in the world.

He'll even deliver it
right to your house.

-If you insist.
-Hey, Vinnie.

-Sabino!
-Good thing you called.

-I was about to go home.
-You're the best.

Hey Aunt Sylvia, how are
you doin'? You good? You good?

-Good, good. Everybody's good.
-I'm good. You good?

[Both] Everybody's good.

-That's good.
-Everybody's good.

That's good, everybody's good.

-Hey Justina, how are ya?
-Mr. Sabino, much better now.

I thought I was gonna be
fishless for my feast tomorrow.

What are you talkin' about
fishless?

I own a store over here.

Hey, don't worry.
Come in, place your order.

I'll get the fish to your
house in time for dinner.

Your family's gonna
think you made it yourself.

And don't worry, I ain't gonna
tell nobody, I'm no rat.

Well, that's good, Mr. Sabino
'cause if you tell anyone,

you'll be sleepin'
with the fishes.

Hey, Luca Brasi, huh?

Hey, you hear that expression,
it fell off the back of a truck?

Well, my fish just fell
off the back of a boat.

-Hey!
-Ladies first.

Ladies first.

-Whoa, oh, oh, oh.
-Oh, my gosh.

Listen J, I gotta get going.
I got a new gig to prepare for.

-Ooh, what's the gig?
-Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

-It's a secret.
-Oh, well, listen T, you are

a lifesaver, mostly your car.
But you're cool too.

Good luck at the gig.
I appreciate you.

-You take care, sis.
-How do I get out of here?

That's the paparazzi feature.

It'll get you in and out of
the house without being seen.

-Dope.
-Is the foyer okay?

-Yeah.
-For your convenience.

Who can I call at this hour
to help me whip the house

into shape by morning?

[Perez] Pulling into
the driveway, team.

I want everybody positioned

to get more angles
than an IG model.

Miguel, make sure we're live
on every social media.

-Yes sir.
-Let's go.

-Hey Justina.
-Perez.

Don't mind us. Just here for
the exclusive on Con's arrival.

Ah yeah, so about that--

Don't tell me he got Grinch on
you when you're about to host

the big, traditional Italian
Seven Fish Feast and meet

-your family live on television.
-Damn, Perez, you are good.

I just saw you were at the fish
market with Vinny and Tonio

and Vinny's aunt,
and the photos will be up--

Oh, it's up already.

-And trending!
-You don't miss a beat.

It's what I do. So where is he?
I wanna post the exclusive

-on Christmas morning.
-He's just a little delayed.

How little delayed? I've got
Doja Cat and Bad Bunny coming

in on a private jet at JFK.
That's top secret.

Don't tell anybody.
Miguel. Miguel, NDA.

-Where did he come from?
-Just finger sign that.

It's not gonna be long til he
gets here, so in the meantime

I know what would be really fun.

-I don't do fun.
-You, Miguel come kick it.

Have some eggnog. Maybe do
a little bit of decorating.

Then you get the exclusive
from inside the house.

What's better than that?

Cut the beat. Abort mission.
Let's lead with the Bad Bunny

and Doja Cat backup story.

Perez, I really need your help.

I have to prove to everyone that
I do care about Christmas.

I'll sign right now.
No lawyers.

Only if I can post it
on Instagram and Facebook,

and Twitter, Snapchat, Tumblr,
TikTok, YouTube, Twitch, Pico,

Clubhouse, all live,
and no content approval.

Geez. Well, Miguel, get my good
side at least. All right. Deal.

Put the beat back on.
We're going in.

♪ Everybody wanna be
what they see on the TV ♪

♪ Level up like they see-see ♪

♪ Tell me, do you love me
ki-ki-ki-ki ♪

♪ The new drug is attention
me, me, me, me--ow ♪

[birds chirping]

[twinkling]

[music]

They're here.
They're here!

Miguel, Miguel!

[music]

I tossed and turned all night.
I felt so bad

for my girl, Justina.
It's her first time hosting.

Yeah, I remember my first
time hosting Christmas Eve.

I wanted everything
to be perfect.

Could you believe, Renee,
somebody disrespected

my meatball recipe?

-The meatballs?
-Yeah.

-And I almost flipped the table.
-You should've flipped

-the table.
-I was like, are you kidding me?

-Teresa?
-Hi. Buon Natale.

Buon Natale.

-Yeah, yeah.
-Renee.

You can follow me if you want.
I'm scared. Okay, to what do

I owe this honor 'cause I have
not been that good this year

to get a gift like this.

Renne said you
might need my help.

-I need a lotta help.
-All right. I'm no snitch,

but I saw you the other day
in the mall, you were a mess.

I had to do something for you.

We need to hook this place up
and light it up like

you've never seen before.

Think of us like
your guido godmothers.

Your fairy mob mother.

Thank you Jesus, Mary,
Holy Spirit, and Santa Claus.

Andiamo ,
but let's get this going.

Let's go! Bring 'em in!
Right now! You're gettin' fired!

So is your father! Let's go!

I had to call the best
for the best

and bring the
best event planners in.

As soon as Renee called me,
I'm like, we got this.

Justina's gonna have the
best Christmas Eve party ever!

Wow, it looks amazing in here!

-Do you like it?
-I love it.

-You ladies saved Christmas.
-So doll, next time you need us,

-just give us a call.
-[Justina] I will.

-Arrivederci!
-Ciao!

A guido godmother and
a fairy mob mother...

What a Christmas.

Some of them, yeah.

All of them?

They don't all like anybody!
Not even each other.

Do I think they would like me?

Do I think her family
will like me?

They need to be worried
about if I like them.

I'm the conceited one.
Everybody likes me.

They will love me.
They'll be smitten by me.

You like me.
You probably adore me.

Who doesn't like me? Are you
serious? Will they like me? Ha.

No, wait, but seriously, I just
have to know is there something

that you know that I don't know?

Well, well, well. Look what
the cat dragged in, a bird.

I don't even want to know
what that cat dragged in.

Uh, I'm lookin' at it.

Justina, it is Christmas.
Could you show me some type

-of love for once?
-Oh look, mistletoe!

Too bad it didn't
come with a step stool.

Ew, what is he doing here?

-[Both] Long story.
-Great. Don't wanna hear it.

Can I come inside, please?
Thank you.

All right. Come on.

All right, Perez,
I'd say you got way more

than you bargained for,
wouldn't you?

Is the tree-trimming scene
negotiable?

[Both] No!
[door slams shut]

You can't blame me for trying.
Team, load out.

-I told you.
-Yo, this is insane!

-It looks crazy.
-And it's gonna be my first

-time trimmin' a tree.
-Right.

♪ Since Italians play soccer ♪

♪ They gonna love to
kick it with me ♪

♪ Mm-hmm. Well,
don't be nervous, Con ♪

♪ They'll love you
We all know this ♪

♪ Plus, you're easy
to get along with ♪

♪ In small doses ♪

♪ They're gonna be a fan of my
raps and the bars that I got ♪

♪ I should be on
a Christmas tree ♪

♪ 'Cause baby,
I'm a star off the top ♪

You still got it.

I would never have thought
this in a million years.

I cannot believe
you pulled this off.

This house looks crazy, Justina.

Are you dumb? Maybe next time
you should, uh, you know,

have a little more faith in me,
C-O-N.

That's not a mistake
I'll ever make again.

The house looks beautiful.

The only thing more
beautiful is you.

[doorbell rings]

So I heard Justina was gonna
have some smackin', bustin'

delicioso food at this party.

Now you know why we're here.
Because them Italians

don't play, but I'll
tell you what, though.

It better fo sho you right on.

-Yeah, I mean--
-Merry Christmas, y'all!

- Hey!
-What are they doing here?

-I have no idea.
-Come on, Justina.

I swear.

-What up, fam? Tis the season!
-Oh, my boy! My son!

Man, how y'all doin'
on this Christmas Eve?

Good God, Justina.
Ooh, this is a nice place.

-You been gettin' to the money.
-You damn right.

How much is she gettin' paid
from Basic to Boujee ?

Oh, speaking of Basic to Boujee,
you know, we thought

we'd stop by, get a little
exclusive footage

for next season.
You know the vibe.

You know I can always eat.

Mouth open. You know, when
it hits the food, it oxidizes?

-Yeah, yeah.
-Wait, wait, so why didn't you

just call first?
At least let me go-

-Hey, hey, hey!
-[gasping]

Where's your Christmas spirit?
We're a family.

We don't need no invitation.
It's me and Tim, man.

-Boop, boop.
-Boop.

♪ Listen, I got the seven
fishes, all Italian dishes ♪

♪ It's gonna be bussin'
and delicious ♪

♪ And plus my cookin' vicious ♪

♪ Oh, stop lyin'
to your friends ♪

♪ 'Cause your cooking is
definitely not vicious ♪

Viciously--
[doorbell rings]

Who am I to Justina? More
like who is Justina to me? Ah!

What the hell's the matter
with ya, Jus?

Ya got me standin' outside
like the Statue of Liberty.

Oh my God!
Conceited?

Tim!

And is that Big Baby?

Mm-hmm.

I'll show him a for sure
you ride on.

Mm-hmm.

Gi, take it easy.
They're not goin' nowhere.

This is my cousin, Gianna.

Do you have any more
surprises for me?

Yeah. My booty's growing.

That's right! I'm Gianna. Hope I
didn't hurt yous with the door.

With all this junk
I got in my trunk.

You know what?
It's not a bad trunk either.

Now I came to help you with
the tree 'cause I know you

don't know the first thing
about decoratin', but clearly,

you must've hired professionals

'cause it looks like a
million bucks in here.

Hold on, time out.
Justina, you hired people?

-I did not hire anybody.
-Ha! If he believes that,

he's as stupid as he looks
on the television.

Okay, listen. Everyone's gonna
be here in, like, an hour.

So I need to get
this last tree done.

Mm, you need some trimmers?

-I know a guy.
-Oh wow, big daddy!

All right, C-O-N,
you wanna do the honors?

It'll be my pleasure.

[music]

I'm gonna find a room
in this palace.

I'm gonna go
get settled and powdered.

And then I'll be down
to help you with the food.

If she puts any more powder on,

Darren's gonna think she's
a donut and try to eat her.

Hey! I heard that!

She's always been jealous of
my skin, soft as a baby's tush.

She's got greasy skin
just like her mother!

And maybe I wouldn't mind
if Darren wanted to

take a little bite!

Oh God! I'm okay! Darren, I
could use some help! Oh boy!

Oh boy! He-he-help!

We all have a
cousin like Gianna.

Good luck with that,
Big Baby.

Yo, listen,
while he's worried about

whatever she's talkin' about,
I need to talk to you.

No. I don't get nervous.
I even, like, studied Italian.

You know, I was speakin' Italian
before I got here.

Just said the whole alphabet.

I wanted to give you your gift
now before everybody gets here.

-What'd you get me? A chain?
-Better.

-Some earrings?
-Better.

-A bigger booty?
-I'm not a miracle worker.

-But I have this.
-Um, your doll?

Ungrateful, but no.
It is not just my doll.

This one has a magic NFT number

connecting it to a
metaverse of Christmas.

Well, I did just buy a whole
bunch at the mall.

And I have to say,
now that you're here,

there is an uncanny resemblance.

You're both ugly,
but kinda cute.

So I'll keep him.

The magic comes alive tonight,
midnight Christmas Eve,

so I'm gonna give him to you
now before, you know, you go...

-Get a little off the eggnog.
-I'll eggnog you.

[clock chiming]

-Time to get fly.
-Let's do it.

Who's ready to get
this party started?

[cackling]
[screaming]

Darren!

You look good. Your shoulders
look so big today.

I pick you up all the time.
I've been working out

-a little bit.
-[Justina] I can tell.

They're here!

[Both] Clearly!

-Justina, here goes nothing.
-Don't embarrass me now,

-you bird.
-Don't embarrass me.

You know they call me
Flossy the Snowman, right?

More like Rudolf the
Red-Nosed Plain Deer.

I just said don't embarrass me.
Stop.

That word play was crazy,
though.

-I actually loved it.
-You like that.

I do.

Yeah so, what do you wanna know?

Tony, behave yourself.

-My Justina.
-Nonna.

Oh c'mere.

How was Nonna's lips?
You're beautiful.

-Do I need some more rouge?
-No.

Gianna, oh my God.
Pull your skirt down.

Jesus Christ. Look at you two.
Yous have always been

inseparable ever since
you was a little girl.

You make Nonna so happy.

-Joey.
-Justina, look at this place.

-You live in a freakin' castle.
-I got a room for you anytime.

Oh, you're so handsome.
Listen, not only are you

my favorite brother,
you're the most handsome.

You know, don't tell Tony
and Johnny, but next to you,

facia brute, huh?

You know me. My lips are sealed.

Oh, this is Conceited.
This is my brother, Joey.

C'mere you!
Welcome to the family.

Merry Christmas.

-He kissed me.
-So that's what we do.

Kiss on both sides of the cheek.

-With the men?
-Yeah, you're lucky he gave you

two kisses, not two schiaffs
Right, Joe?

What she said.

So what do you wanna know?

Oh yeah? Well, you know,
the tomato don't fall too far

from the vine, capiche?

Isn't he handsome?
Look at him, Conceited.

He's my most favorite grandson.
And he didn't get this big

and strong on his own.
I fed him a lot of chicken parm.

Isn't that right, Joey?

Who the hell are these people?

In the name of the Holy Spirit.
He's embarrassing me.

He's giving me heartaches, Joe.

Calm down. These are
the caterers for the food.

-Don't you wanna eat?
-Caterers on Christmas Eve?

Justina don't even know how to
boil water. I like it al dente.

Not al dente your teeth.

I brought and extra set of
dentures just in case.

You know what I mean?

What's the matter for you?
You don't like Christmas?

You don't wanna be home
with your family?

La shaloo Anthony. Leave him
alone and mind your business.

I'll la shaloo you!
You floozy!

I'm happy to work today
and make the money.

May I get you a drink?

You know something?
I like this guy.

Maybe we'll keep him around.

And who the hell are these
guys with the cameras?

What are we taping,
Wheel of Fortune ?

I'll take an F.

-Get these microphones out--
-Here we go again.

-My sciata nerve.
-Be straight. Take a breath.

-My sciata nerve.
-Take a breath.

-My sciata nerve.
-[Joey] Take a breath!

Think of the antipasta.
There you go.

Nonno. Relax.
We're gonna have a great night.

-And this is Conceited.
-Conceited?

What the hell kind of name is
that?

And what does he have to be
conceited about?

-Well, he's with me, isn't he?
-God got tired while he was

making him. Look at his legs.
Jesus Christ.

Let me get a good look at him.

-Conceited?
-Yes.

Where's the rest of you, honey?

-The rest of me?
-Well, your shoulders

are very large, they don't
match the rest of your body.

Do ya fix?

-Like stuff around the house.
-Justina sweetie,

if he doesn't fix,

fix him a plane ticket
back to where he came from.

-I can hear you.
-All right, honey.

Enjoy your night.
Anthony, put that down!

You're gonna spoil
your whole appetite.

I'm gonna need a Christmas
miracle for this one

to stop naggin' me.

I'm gonna make sure she
doesn't break a hip, okay?

Do you know any hitmen that
could whack her by the morning?

I'll give you some good
scharole .

What's your name,
Buddy the Butler?

We're gonna be good friends.

Hey, how're doin'? I'm Tony,
Justina's older, wiser-

-And I'm his wife, Angela.
-Ang, Ang, let me talk first.

-Okay, she's my sister.
-Oh please, you're boring.

-Bor-I'm boring?
-Let the people do their job.

I got a job for you.
Hey baby, I got a job for you.

It's called shut the hell up.
Okay, you're hired.

Congratulations.

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas
and a happy New Year ♪

Hey sis, how ya doin'?
Thank you so much for hosting

this year. Now the only fish I
gotta worry about is this one,

ya know?

-Hi Justina!
-You're Reggie, right?

-You're Reggie?
-Con. You can call be Conceited.

Oh, it's Con! It's right there
on the necklace. You see that?

Oh, he's a good speller.
Justina, you chose a good one.

All right. Let's go, kids.

-How does he know my name?
-He must've Googled you.

He don't watch the show.

Come on, Carmella.
Santa doesn't like slow.

Dad, just stop with
all the Santa crap.

-Hey!
-No!

Keep it up, Carmella. Santa's
not gonna bring you nothin'.

And I'm gonna laugh my head off.

-Oh, shut the hell up, Tony.
-Carmella, no!

Carmella!

You talk to your brother like
that one more time

I'm spraying you
with holy water, okay?

Really Carm, where's
your Christmas spirit?

I don't got any
Christmas spirit, Ma.

-That's enough.
-Oh, since when?

Say hello to your aunt
and Reggie. Go inside.

Oh wow, you look a lot
taller in person.

-Really?
-No.

All right. One, zero.
Carm, listen, I know

it's been forever, but I got
you a really good present.

-Bribes are definitely accepted.
-All right. Get inside.

-She's gettin' fresh.
-Hey, I've been prayin',

all right? Reggie,
do yourself a favor, okay?

-Con.
-Don't have kids.

-Hey Tony! Don't say that?
-What?

You would make beautiful battle
rap babies, I'm telling you.

-We would.
-Don't listen to him.

-He's a bitter old man.
-Old man?

-Yes.
-Hey, she didn't call me

old man last night.
You know what I mean?

-Oh, Tony!
-Ew!

I got mortadella , procutte,
and Mozzerella,

don't eat the whole tray,
you garvone .

-I gotta eat it before Reggie.
-It's Con, but--

-All right, Reggie.
-Hey, Anthony Jr.!

Are you outta your mind?
Put that--

Excuse me, doll.
What the devil are you doing?

-Let's go make a drink.
-No.

You need a drink.
It'll be all right, Con.

I could've stayed
in Miami for this.

But she's never around anyway,
so who cares?

Carmella, that is really
rude of you

to say about Aunt Justina.

-What's the matter with you?
-Nothing rude about it!

I'm just answering the
questions.

-Yes, it is!
-No, it isn't!

Yes, it is!

No, it isn't!

Yes. It. Is!

No, it isn't!

Yes it is.

All right, Bud.

When are we gonna sit down
and get to eatin'?

When is it time for the fish?

Whenever you'd like, sir.

Tony, I love this guy.
Can I take him home with me?

On Justina's dime, of course.

Anthony, don't you wanna wait
for your other grandchildren

to get here before you start
eatin', you garvone?

-Eh, the hell with them.
-Nah, hang on, Nonno.

Let me text them.

Do what you want, but the time
they gets here, all this food's

gonna be in the sewer system
already. You know what I mean?

Jesus Christ,
I can't even have a nice day--

Do you know anybody who could
take care of your grandmother

for me? You know, pft.

-Nonno, it's Christmas.
-Nonno, the Lord is listenin'.

Good, if He loves me,
He'll take her by the morning.

Oh.

Yeah, pray you'll
find a wife like her.

Let me tell you something
before I die.

You've always been
my favorite grandchild.

-Want to know why?
-Why?

-You're ugly just
like your grandfather.

Thanks Pop.

-What about me, Nonno?
-Joey, please.

if you were on Star Wars ,
your name would be Chewbaccala.

Oh God, my sciata nerve,
my nerve, my nerve.

-Nonno, you're breathing.
-One, two, three.

One, two, three.
One, two three.

And then be relaxed.

-All right.
-I'll take another.

Go, go. What are you doin'?
You're still standin' here.

-Go get another one.
-What a stunad.

A frickin' weirdo, that guy.
Weirder than you.

Come on, honey. I'm not yellin'.
You just, you walk very slow,

okay? That's all I'm sayin'.
What is this?

What is this, Dateline ?
How old are you?

How do I feel? I don't know.
I feel fine, you know,

as long as there's some good
food, good drinks,

for as rich as she is, you know?

Merry Christmas, Johnny.
And Merry Christmas, Madam.

-Who the hell are you?
-Let me take your jacket.

Where is-I didn't know my--
Where's my family?

Johnny, get in here and sit
down! I'm starvin' over here!

Sit the hell down, will ya?

I've already had the privilege
of seating them, Johnny.

-Right this way.
-Nice touch! Nice touch, sis!

Yeah, with the cameras
and everything!

It's never just about the family
with this one, never!

What are you, do you like this?
You're looking at the cameras.

It's TRL ? Get over here.

[sniffing]

I'm ready to cut into this fish.

[Buddy] Would you like me
to serve you a plate, sir?

Does a fat baby fart?

I want some brussel sprouts on
your plate.

I need you eating some greens.
You see all this?

-Thank you.
-Thank you.

I'm not gonna lie.
Justina, this food looks great.

And everybody better
clear their plate.

Oh, you wanna kick
the freestyle?

Well, let me do the honors.

♪ They account and got a penne ♪

♪ Mine's full of cheese
like lasagna ♪

♪ JV, I'll get rid
of ya rasta ♪

♪ Italiana, all these
other chicks are imposters ♪

♪ Nobody at this table
wanna spin it with me ♪

♪ Watch your mouth, Con
There's plenty other ♪

♪ Fish in the sea
'cause when I do it ♪

♪ Yeah, I do it one time
Merry Christmas to all ♪

-♪ Conceited ♪
-♪ Justina Valentine ♪

[cheers and applause]

Who is that?
What are they singing?

The Beatles?

-Rap.
-Freestyle, freestyle.

Freestyle rap.

Oh, you don't have
to pay for it?

-No, no, no.
-Free's for me.

Thank you. Thank you, Jesus.
Lord, did that stop.

Thank you so much.

-Such a hater.
-That's very nice, you two.

Is that something from the TV
show you're on with the guy

-with all the kids?
-Who's on the show? Gianna?

-Angela?
-No, not me.

-Justina?
-Yeah Nonno, remember?

I'm on TV with Nick Cannon
on Wild n' Out .

Wild and who? Wait, what?
Nick Cannon on the singing show

with the mask?
I've never seen you on there.

Which one were you?

Yeah, she's one of the judges.
Robin not so Thicke.

Robin? Robin who?
Is this a stick-up?

Go to the car, under the seat.
Go!

-Nonno!
-Can it like San Marzano.

Not for nothin' that wild show
or whatever, it's too confusing.

I can't understand half the
things you're sayin' on there.

Ya know, Johnny, maybe that
man bun's tied on a little bit

too tight these days because
it's not too hard to understand.

With the rappity rap, I gotta
know what's goin' on over there.

Rappity rap? He got leftity back
three times in the third grade.

-Three times?
-It was twice. Their fault.

It was a mix-up with the--
It was three times.

Johnny, that's not very nice to
say about your sister's show.

Show? Which show? Show me some
more vino over here.

Yes, sir.

-Ah. Give me a kiss.
-It would be an honor, sir.

Other side.

The other side of the cheek,
not the chair.

-My apologies, sir.
-Smarten up, kid.

Justina's been on that show
now for, like, eight years.

-Eight years? No kidding?
-Yeah, whatta got?

Spaghetti for brains, Nonno?
How do you not remember that?

-Watch your mouth!
-Jesus Christ!

He certainly does
have spaghetti for brains.

And it's not angel hair.
It's rigatoni 'cause Tony,

your brain is rigged
the wrong way.

Hey, women ought to be seen
and not heard!

So wait, you didn't know
Aunt Justina was rich

and famous, Nonno?

First of all,
who the hell are you?

And second of all,
I see now she's rich.

This house, this wine, this guy.
Come here, son.

Give me some more. Good boy.
Give me another kiss.

It would be an honor, sir.

Lil Tony, I don't know if
I'd say famous. It's like B,

C-list celebrity at best, right?
Wouldn't you say that?

Better than being
a D-list nobody.

That's a good one, sis.

But Joey, hey, hey. Why don't
you wipe Justina's ass off

your lips? There you go.
There's a napkin for you.

Watch your mouth, boys. It's
Christmas for Christ's sake.

And the damn kids are here.

Sorry, Nonna.

I'm gonna go to the kitchen
and get my wooden spoon.

Get a brain while you're
in there, you scarecrow!

Mind your business, Anthony!

I'll mind my business
when you get a mind.

-Ah! He didn't take his pill.
-This is the Feast of the

Seven Fishes,
and you make eight!

All right, look, jokes aside.
Everything, Justina,

we're really proud of you.
We really are, honest to God.

Speak for yourself!

How come we didn't pray?

We teacher says we're supposed
to pray before every meal

just in case you choke.

I wish your great grandmother
would choke.

Okay.

All right.
Everybody put your forks down.

We're gonna listen to my son.
We're ready.

-Jesus Christ.
-Carmella, take notes.

Jesus and God, and the Holy
Spirit, please bless our family

on Christmas and the other
364 days if you're not too busy.

And we only wanna do good,
never bad.

And even though we yell at each
other sometimes--

well, actually all the time--

we really do love each other.
And Happy Birthday, Jesus.

[Nonno] [snores]

[snores]

-Okay, Son. Let's wrap it up.
-Hold on. One more thing.

And also, God, Jesus
and the Holy Spirit,

please forgive my sister,
Carmella.

She doesn't mean to be evil.
Amen.

-Oh, shut the hell up, Anthony!
-Hey!

[indistinct arguing]

Don't talk to your little
brother like that!

How are we raising a gargoyle?

What the hell is
the matter with her?

With the fork,
Gianna with the fork?

Shut up or I'll stab ya!

All right, good food, good meat,
good gosh, let's eat!

Mangia, mangia.
Mangia, mangia.

Yeah, yeah, Jumanji!
Yeah, Jumanji, yeah! Jumanji.

Who the hell is this guy?

Con-who?

Concieted?
The little one?

I don't like him.

Oh, you smell just like my wife.

Oh, my God.
This food is amazing.

I told you.

It's okay, buddy,
you don't gotta say that.

-That's all right.
-I think it's delicious, sis.

Oh, my God.
What'd she do?

All she did was pay for it.

Oh, thank you so much, Justina.
I'm sorry.

I hope you didn't break a nail
swiping the credit card.

Oh, good. I'll take you off
the family phone plan

next month, huh?

The American Heart Association
says it's good for the ticker

to have one glass of red wine
per hour.

A classy woman leaves a sip.

This wine's delicious.

-So, where'd you get the fish?
-Sabino's, Nonno.

Sabino's? You shoulda went to
Franky Fish's.

He's got the best baccala
in town.

Sabino's a snitch,
you know that.

You gonna whack him,
Uncle Johnny?

Oh!

Whack him?
Who taught you that?

No more Godfather for you.

I'm your father.
You both need God.

That's a good idea, Tone.
I might have to.

I don't know. Maybe.

Tony, who's this kid?

[Tony] That's my son, Nonno.

He looks more like the dollar
store Pauly D down there.

He's not Joey's?

Don't give me that look.

Don't you dare
give me that look.

What's going on down there?

Justina, there's a hair
on my food. Joey, button up.

And if you don't like the fish,
Johnny,

why don't you have Christmas Eve
dinner at your house next year.

Oh, I forgot. You still live in
Mom and Dad's basement.

[indistinct arguing]

[whistle blowing]

Okay, obviously, there's a fight
getting ready to brew here.

So let me lay down a couple of
rules before we get started.

Okay, fellas, don't put your
hands on the women.

Ladies, no foul language.
There's obviously kids in here.

Okay? And remember, you guys are
a family, let's keep it clean.

It's Christmas Eve.
Johnny. You ready?

-Yeah.
-Justina, ya ready?

Damn right.

Fight!

[indistinct arguing]

That's enough!

It's Jesus's birthday
for Christ's sake.

They all talk at the same time.

You have Tony Baloney,
Johnny Salami, Joey Cannoli.

They probably have a cousin
named Tanya Lasagna.

They are so loud.

Conceited,
is the food okay, honey?

Yes. Yes, ma'am.
"No-nna"? Nonna. Yes, it is.

It is amazing. Thank you.

Good, good.
So what do you do?

Well, I'm actually on the same
show that Justina's on,

-and I actually have a couple--
-What show?

And I'm a battle rapper.

Oh, battle.
Now we're all veterans here.

Tony, Johnny, Joey, my son.
We all served.

What unit were you in, son?

He was in the G-Unit, Nonno.

Hey, keep your 50 cents
to yourself.

Phony A over here. Yeah, that's
what unit you were in.

Where's that stationed?

A wrapper? Like, you wrapped up
all these gifts?

Oh, they look beautiful, honey.

But do you fix?

Do I fix?

Unclog a toilet?
Something?

No, I don't fix toilets
and I don't fix the TV.

I am on the TV.
I am a TV star.

I fix ratings.

Oh, Go on, he's so bright.
He's blinding me.

Nonna, he--you know,
he's a performer like me,

a TV personality.

Who cares about his personality
if he can't fix?

Oh, no. I mean,
I can probably fix something.

Ha! Can you fix your height?

I mean, and
and I collect sneakers,

and I'm a NFT expert.

NFT? What does that stand for?
Not Fixing Things?

[laughter]

Sneakers huh?

I know a couple of trucks that
could sneak some off of,

make a little scharole ,
you know what I mean?

What do you say?
Me and you.

Please, Johnny,
the only money you ever had

-was when you managed a Sbarro.
-Oh.

Tony, don't be ridiculous.
It was a Domino's.

By the looks of your hair,
I thought it was Olive Garden.

Oh, really? Yeah,
it's better than Little Caesar

you got over here, right?

Little Caesar, the pizza place.

Your family's outta control.

Bing bong, from downtown.

It's good.

We're not trying to get him
pinched over here, Johnny.

Besides, you don't need
nothing from a back of a truck.

-This guy's a legend.
-Hello.

A legend?

Dinner with a legend.
You hear that kids?

That a little generous Joe.
Legend. Little generous.

Oh, my God.
I really hate this family.

What, do you guys
live on another planet?

[indistinct arguing]

More antipasti,
less anti-Christ.

I'll take a refill.

Fill'er up.

[Buddy] Absolutely, sir.

Give me another kiss.

[Buddy] It would be an honor,
sir.

He kisses better than you.

Oh,

feel free to slap me harder
after dessert, sir.

Let's put on a little Frankie.

It's never a bad time
for Frankie.

It's always a good time
for some Frankie, yeah?

I'm always ready for some
Frankie, honey, that's right.

Now, that's a real man.

I shoulda gave Frankie some
hanky panky when he wanted.

♪ Never cared about Christmas ♪

Speaking of blue eyes.

Oh, okay.
I see what you did right there.

This isn't Frankie.

Lord, I am so sorry
you had to hear this nonsense

on your birthday.
I would never do this to you.

Oh, my God.
Is someone strangling cats?

We can skip this song.

So, you mean like, cut the beat?

No, I mean skip the song.
What's a matter with you?

Nonna, you're still
mad about the song?

You don't realize
the young people,

they look up to you, honey,
especially your niece.

Now she's saying
she doesn't care

about Christmas anymore either.

God forbid.

The song's not even good.
That's the problem.

The song is not good.

[indistinct arguing]

[indistinct arguing]

I am done with you
yelling at the table!

I'm yelling at anybody
that needs to be yelled at!

[indistinct arguing]

... Son of a bitch!
[doorbell ringing]

Now, who the hell can that be
in the middle of our dinner?

Johnny, did you order
some new tart for dessert?

Save one for grandfather.

-Give me some more wine.
-Yes, Your Majesty.

-It's okay, little one.
-Give me a kiss.

Yes, sir.

-Take this with you.
-Oh!

That was the best slap yet, sir.

Hey, what's up, hello.

Fetty, what are you doing here?

I came for the Christmas party.

I heard this the spot
in Jersey tonight.

Fetty Wap?
Now, that's a good rapper.

You already know.
You see the crib.

Yeah, I see what's going on.

Yo, little man.
I got something for you, man.

-What do you say, Tony?
-Thank you, Mr. Wap.

Oh, Fetty.

Oh, hey. No, Tone money.

Tone money, I like that.

We tryna come and get lit,
you know what I'm saying,

it's where the party at.

Well, you know, I was a trap
queen before all this, Fetty.

Come on in, let's light it up.

Merry Christmas.

♪ In love with your money
I ain't ever letting go ♪

♪ And I get high with my baby ♪

♪ I just left the mall, I'm
gettin' fly with my baby, yeah ♪

♪ And I can ride with my baby ♪

Hey yo, what's good?
Let's turn this party up.

Ain't nothin' like a
Christmas party in Jersey, man.

That Fetty Wap,
he's something else.

I haven't had any WAP
since 1958.

Her WAP dried out
when JFK was president.

♪ And I get high with my baby ♪

♪ I just really wish
you would die, my baby ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, baby ♪

♪ Two spaces up
and I might just kiss him ♪

♪ Gonna ride that face ♪

♪ Queen frosty --
when I diss 'em ♪

How about that Fetty Wap,
couldn't keep his hands of me.

I said, Mr. Fetty Wap,
Fetty Stop.

♪ Come and taste
You know I'm so sweet ♪

♪ Bon appetit,
they cannot compete ♪

♪ Sugar spread
all over these sheets ♪

I bet your favorite type of
pasta is fettucine alfredo.

Molto bella!

♪ Mirror, mirror
on the wall ♪

♪ Why these hoes
stay on my balls? ♪

♪ Acting big
when they so small ♪

♪ Got it all,
I recorded at the Taj Mahal ♪

Now now, don't be so sad there,
young lady.

It's Christmas Eve, and I'm sure
Santa has something very special

planned for you tonight.

Listen, I'm 12, and I don't
believe in Santa or butlers.

Well, I believe in you.

And I got a sneak peek at
your aunt's gifts for you

and boy, oh, boy.

What is it? Is it a
Gucci or a Prada bag?

-Even better.
-[gasps]

I knew it!
Thanks for the tip.

Anytime.

All right. I need everybody to
gather 'round.

You know I had to save the best
for last, and I got presents

for my favorite niece
and my favorite nephew.

-You ready, Tone?
-Yeah.

Let's go.

You ready?

Wow. Uh, very, uh, creative.

I don't want
your stupid magic doll.

I wanted a Gucci or Prada bag!

Carmella!

Who does she get this from?

Where do you think she gets it?
She looks up to you.

You're the Godmother. Get your
stuff. We're outta here.

So rude. Don't listen to her,
she got problems.

Shut the hell up!

Oh!

Now! Out the door!
Go!

Good, I wanted to leave
this stupid party anyway.

She's outta control. I was bad,
but I was never that bad.

Just so you know,

that was the worst gift
I ever got!

Out the door!

Aight everybody, it's been a
very Valentine Chritmas Eve.

You ain't gotta go home,

but you gotta get
the hell outta here.

[Justina] Me and Conceited
was snug as some bugs.

Drank too much eggnog
and passed out on the rug.

The family was gone.
Nobody was there.

The butler picked up the elf
and placed her with care.

[clock chimes]

[music]

Wake up!
It's time.

I'm up, I'm up!
What is wrong with you?

Shh, they're right there.

-Who?
-Them.

Oh, they're huge.

Anyone is huge compared to you.

Whoa, whoa, let me stop you
right there, JV.

I am pocket-size perfection.
All right? And I'm mad at you

because I just had these Elf
Force One's magically cleaned.

Well, tighten up,
Elfish Freshly.

I need you to focus.

He's gonna be here
any minute.

[thump, whoosh]

It's time.
We got to get her in the sleigh.

Wait, just her by herself?

Are you dumb? Turn your
Santafications on, you bird.

Beat you to the sleigh.

[music]

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

And merry Christmas, Justina!

Tonio?
Santa, the new gig?

It's so great to see you again
so soon.

I wish I can say the same thing
about you, Justina.

I know your heart's in the right
place, but between

this anti-Christmas song
and your niece Carmella,

there's so much work to do
in such little time.

Plus, Santa's got
a club booking to get to.

I didn't even think of this song
as anti-Christmas.

I understand.
But the good thing is,

it's never too late
to do the right thing.

That's a fact.

So without getting all
santamental,

just tell me what I need to do
to get back on the nice lists.

-Naughty, naughty, naughty.
-Mind your business CON1,

The boss is talking.

You're not a made man,
you're man made.

Now, now,
everyone get buckled in.

I've got an appearance
to get to.

No show. No dough.

Here's the deal.
We're headed to Carmella's

since she wanted to
commit elf abuse.

I mean, I'm still a bit sore.

Does your face hurt?
'Cause it's killing me.

I just knew
I was gonna like you.

Likewise.

What the elf
have you been eatin'?

Yah!

Ho, ho, ho, ho,
ho, ho, ho, ho!

That was sick.

Ha, this elf here.

[unintelligible]

Let me handle this for you.

I'm the better elf, Santa.

What are you doin'?
Let me go!

What the bell is wrong with you?

How do you like me now, CON1?

Put me down!
Scrooge McJust!

-All right, that's enough.
-All right.

-You ready, you bird?
-Yeah, I am, you Grinch.

You see, that's exactly what
Santa be talking about.

Santa.

I cannot believe you're mad
about my song too.

You didn't say very nice things
about Santa.

Oh, yeah. Santa's got receipts.

-Petty!
-Petty? Hm!

"Always looked at Kris Kringle
as just another creepy guy."

Hey!

Hey, where are you going?

"What's Santa to a Scrooge?"
[grunts]

It hurts my corazón .

Are you sure it's not just
high blood pressure?

You have packed on some pounds.

Psst, little Tony!

Wake--wake up!

Words, especially
from someone like you,

mean so much more
than you realize.

[farts]

-Ugh...
-Santa!

-It's the wife's empanadas.
-[coughs]

I wasn't that bad this year.

Merry Christmas, Carmella.
I'm JV1, your magical elf.

What?

Santa, I feel terrible,
but I need to know

how this shorty can get off
the list that's naughty,

because I just know
you got some presents back there

with my name on 'em.

Let's start with your niece,
Carmella.

Whoa.

Aunt Justina!

What's going on?

I told you the elf was magic.

-Merry Christmas, Carmella.
-Hi.

I guess it pays to be
on the naughty list.

Yeah.

-Lessons will be learned.
-I love lessons. Yeah.

We're here for lessons.

Oh, wow, that was awesome.

-Aunt Justina!
-Tony!

-Santa!
-Hey, why does he have to come?

-That's really not fair.
-Now now, Lil' Tony,

you're actually at
the top of my nice list.

-You can stay.
-Yes!

CON1, no more surprises.

Yeah, I hate surprises.

Loathe, entirely.

Vamanos!

Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

What does this button do?

Do not touch the button!

Okay.

Touch the button!

[music]

All right. Is everyone ready?

I was born ready, Santa.

Thatta boy.

[Santa & Justina]
Anthony's first Christmas Eve.

I remember this Christmas.

I remember thinking
it was the best Christmas ever

because I finally got
a baby brother.

I don't think you've ever been
this nice to me since then.

I'm nice to you!

Sometimes.

Carmella, mi amore,

I wanted you to remember the
feeling of joy and gratitude

you had for your brother
that year.

[Justina] That was a
really great Christmas.

And it was really nice then
because you weren't famous yet,

and you still made time
to play with us.

You know, you're right, Carm.

I do need to make more time
for you guys.

And it's not that
I don't want to.

It's just time goes by so fast.

You ain't kiddin', Aunt Justina.

Just yesterday,
I was in third grade.

Then boom, fourth grade.

Well, I hate to interrupt this
merry moment,

but time is just about to
expire here in the verse

in three, two, one.

Wow, that never gets old.

You never get old,
get over here you.

[Santa] Carmella, the lessons
of Christmas past

are gratitude and balance.
Both you and your aunt Justina

need to work on these things.

You don't think I'm grateful,
Santa? That's coal.

You get it, coal?

Yeah, and that's all you're
getting this year.

Sorry, Nat Queen Coal.
Ow!

[Justina] Keep it up, CON1,

and you're gonna
need a candy cane to walk.

Don't we gotta get going to the
present now, Santa?

[All] Yah!

[music]

[screaming]

We're clear.

Welcome to the present.

♪ Never cared about Christmas ♪

♪ I'd rather it was July ♪

Hey, what's the matter with you?

Anthony, can you move?
We're filming here!

Oh man.
You beheaded my wise man.

You know this is all
a bunch of crap, right?

Disgraziato.

Carm, are you gonna
get this kid out of here

so we can catch this

Never Cared about Christmas
trend or what?

You hate Christmas and think
it's a made-up holiday,

but need me to move away
from our Christmas tree

for your video chat?

If that ain't labbats ,
I don't know what is.

-I said to move, Anthony!
-No!

I said to move!

[Tony] Hey, what are you doing?
Carmella, get your hands

off your brother.
How dare you do that.

I wasn't even doing anything.
He wouldn't move!

Okay, girls, get your things.
I'm taking you home.

-Come on.
-No, that's not fair.

You were messing up
the post anyways.

It's better you aren't in it.

Ugh!

Hey, I'm really,
really sorry, Anthony.

I was wrong to ever
treat you that way.

And, Santa, I want to be
on the nice list again.

I'm really, really sorry.

That's the thing
about the present.

It quickly becomes the past,

and the past is meant
to be left behind.

My sister likes me again.
My Aunt Justina's back.

This is the best Christmas ever.

And imagine, Anthony,
the best is yet to come.

[Both] Uno, dos, tres, yah!

[music]

Wow, I've never seen
anything like it.

What's poppin' y'all?
It's your girl JV33.

Welcome to the
Land of the Ice Castles.

Get ready to go into the future.

Aunt Justina, can I go with JV33
to check out the Ice Castles?

She seems trustworthy,

but if one hair on his head
is out of place,

I'll take the batteries
out of all your backs.

My legs could use a stretch.

He could also use a bathroom.
[farts]

Oh!

Tony! Tony!

Ho, ho, ho, ho,
ho, ho, ho, ho.

All right, ready?

Here, let me put it on.

Carmella.

Carmella, I--

I love it.

It's Saint Anthony.
Your name saint.

And look, I've got one, too.

This is amazing.

Come here.

This is the best Christmas ever.

-Sheesh.
-There you go, kiddo.

Santa's got some shmoney, huh?

Wow. This is gonna be so epic.

Handmade by the elves
themselves.

From the freshest ice
you can't find anywhere else.

♪ And we went to the castles
and saw some ice ♪

♪ All the fresh fallen snow
and it shines so bright ♪

♪ Never before did I see
such a sight ♪

♪ The sparkles, the colors
What a special Christmas night ♪

♪ Yeah, we got to wrap it up
It's been one hell of the time ♪

♪ But I never met a verse
that was realer than mine ♪

Hoo-hoo!

[Santa] And...
[All] Yah!

Ho, ho, ho...

Woo-hoo!
Woo-hoo!

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

[music]

It's Christmas!
Good morning!

Justina, wake up,
it's Christmas.

It is Christmas!

And you, magic at midnight, huh?

What a ripoff.

Con, what would you know
about magic at midnight?

And what did you think
was gonna happen?

They were gonna
come alive and bring us to

a magical metaverse?
Grow up.

Yeah, I actually did think that.

Is there anything wrong with
having Christmas spirit

to actually think that--

When did you get
in your pajamas?

When you passed out from
drinking too much eggnog, dummy.

I burped you and put you to bed.

What a crazy night, though, huh?

And a crazy family.

Let's get into some gifts,

because that's what I really
came here for anyway.

Childish.

Justina. You do know the best
thing about this Christmas

is your presents.

Damn, greedy.

No, not. Not your presents.
Your presence.

Oh, period.

Look, honestly, I don't care
what's under the tree.

It doesn't matter,
'cause the best gift

is here with me right now.

You do know this is
the first time we've been alone

since I got here.

Clearly.

[music]

What's poppin' fam?
Ha ha!

Oh, no!

Nick?

Whoo, merry Christmas, everyone.

Look what Santa brought me--
my own hologram machine.

I can go anywhere I want,
whenever I want.

So why didn't you want
to go home instead?

You can't get this one pregnant,
Nick. Not this one.

Whatever.

What's up, Nick?
I love this view.

Merry Christmas.

[canned laughter]

My man, yo.
Where is that coming from?

What you mean?

That's my studio audience.
My family.

And you know what?
It's Christmas,

so I wanted to take them

into the homes of people
I love and care about.

Oh, merry Christmas y'all,
what's popping?

What's good?

[phone ringing]
What's up, bro?

Hey! Merry Christmas, Justina.

I cannot believe
what you did to these kids.

What, are you, insane?

Ah, don't worry about it.

You woulda thought
I had Santa himself to help me.

I almost cried.
I don't cry, but I almost cried.

Aunt Justina, Aunt Justina.

Look, now I got ice
just like you.

Wow, that's so sharp, Tony.

Who's that? Is that Nick?
Nicholas!

What's poppin'?

-Hi.
-Okay.

Merry Christmas, Nick.

Ang, Ang, you're too loud
and you're too close, all right?

Nick, take 'em. Please.

Honestly, take her off my hands.
And Justina, thank you again.

Love you.

I love you, too,
Ciao.

Yo, Justina, you know what this
moment needs?

-What?
-A holiday rap up.

That's a fact.

You know what? It's Christmas,
so I'll start it off.

Slow it down.
I just gift you.

♪ I like that, coming from the
wild style queen and the king ♪

♪ We some savages ♪

♪ I'm trying to see
if good things ♪

♪ Do come in small packages ♪

♪ The present is a gift
appreciated every day ♪

♪ It's time to make it reindeer
because that came to sleigh ♪

♪ And you know what they say,
'tis the season ♪

♪ No matter what they tell me ♪

♪ Con so small
when he take pictures ♪

♪ They call it a "Elfie" ♪

♪ Nah, Nick. That's wrong.
Don't try to spit with me ♪

♪ Before I light you up
like a Christmas tree ♪

♪ We don't toy around,
so go and pack it up ♪

♪ It's time to do
what Nick never does ♪

♪ And that's wrap it up,
because when I do it, yeah ♪

♪ I do it one time ♪

♪ Conceited, Nick Cannon ♪

♪ Your girl Justina Valentine ♪

♪ Merry Christmas, everybody ♪

♪ Buon Natale ♪

There's still time,
you wanna kiss?

Wait, a time for a kiss?

I mean...

Yeah. Come here.

Ha! Did you get that?
Did you get that?

I finally got my Christmas kiss,
my Christmas wish.

Mwah, I want another one.

They got that. Send me that clip
so I could just

post that on my Instagram
and it go everywhere.

Nobody.
Please tell me you got that.

No. Why? Why you look.
No, no.

-You guys didn't get it?
-No, please tell me

you got that.
You-- So you--

You get it?
I swear I kissed her.

Nobody's gonna believe me.
We need to get that.

Give me a kiss, please.

You know what, Con?
There's always next Christmas.

No!

♪ How can I fuhgeddabout
How can I fuhgeddabout ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

[music]

[music]