Original subtitles

♪

[door opens]

You guys were right. I read the ad wrong.

It wasn't for a candy striper.

it was for a candy stripper.

What is that, a joke?!

Check it out. Snot forgot his vest.

[chuckles]

I guess we all know what that means, right?

Uh, that's a "no."

Snot secretly takes off his vest when he dumps out.

Oh, no. He hides that?

Be proud, guy!

It's cool to poo!

[water bubbling]

FRANCINE: Wuz dis?

Hey! This is about us.

It's a list of the family.

We're... ranked!

Ranked?

On what, may I ask, did Snot rank us?

Hotness.

- [all clamoring] - STEVE: Oh, my God!

KLAUS: I'm not last! I'm not last!

I, uh... forgot my vest.

Sit the hell down, Snot.

'Tis the season...

for questions.

Gulp.

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

What is this, Snot?

First off, it isn't some "weird" ranking

of who I'm personally attracted to.

It's just a super normal,

"kinda hard to even be mad about" list

of the objective hotness of my best friend's family.

Just to be clear, I'm ranked number one.

Does that mean...?

You're the hottest in the family.

Your Honor, I have no more questions for this witness,

except to ask if he wants to stay for dinner.

[chuckles] I see-- I see I'm seven on here. Heh.

I'm just-- I'm just not sure

I understand the numbering system.

Please allow me to explain my conclusions.

Mr. Smith is ranked first for his natural "talent."

The man has the perfect body--

huge, menacing torso

and legs that are mostly an afterthought.

But the showstopper is a chin

that makes you realize that nothing is impossible.

Hayley is ranked second.

She oozes potential.

A deep beauty lies within, but it's mostly hidden

because she transcends fashion

and dresses in absolute defiance of it.

Steve came in a strong third.

His silky hair and soft hands are great,

but it's dat faaaat aaaass

that put him over the top.

Francine, I worry about your drinking.

And even though it hasn't affected your looks yet,

it's just so...

tragically... sad.

[belches]

[sighs]

Klaus is a gorgeous shade of orange.

Gazing upon him is like watching a tropical sunset.

[water bubbling]

Jeff's feet are the perfect size for his body.

[ding!]

And that concludes my list.

ROGER: What about me?

You've explained everyone's rankings, but not mine.

[inhales deeply]

I just don't think it's fair to say

if it's something you can't change.

[groans]

Announcement.

I'm skipping work for the month,

and this time not just to play "Animal Crossing."

I'm going to finally start my magazine!

Stan Magazine is happening?!

Yep! For the first time ever,

there will be a magazine... for men!

Is this all because my friend thought you were attractive?

He's my friend, too, Steve.

Dad, there are already tons of men's magazines out there.

Stan Magazine will be different.

Stan Magazine will have reviews of wrist watches.

And a sex advice column from-- get this--

a woman wearing glasses!

So there's irony at play in this magazine.

Sorry I'm late for breakfast.

I didn't get too much sleep last night,

and I'm not feeling too hot.

I bet you aren't.

[stifled laughter]

I'm going to the zoo!

Dude, one of the gross hippos escaped!

Oh, no, has a hippo gotten out?

Oh, no, they're talking about me.

That's no hippo!

It's a disgusting squid trying to sneak out of the zoo

in people clothes!

My confidence is so low, I don't even look human anymore.

Whoa. The zoo got a monster.

♪

Well, I've been to every bank in the tri-city metro area,

and no one has the balls to loan me money for my magazine!

Goddamn banks! All they care about is money!

How ya doing, Barry?

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I really miss Nana.

Now all I have to remember her by

is the large inheritance she left me!

Barry, my good man! Have a seat.

Francine, we have a guest. Bring this lard-ass some ribs.

I don't know if you've heard,

but I've got a lot of heat on me right now.

Oh, I heard about Snot's rankings.

Congratulations.

I have an investment opportunity for you.

Stan Magazine. A magazine for men.

It's luxury but also rugged.

It's political, but only for office politics.

Dad, can you please not--

Francine, silence the boy!

STEVE: Aah!

Do you know anything about launching a magazine?

That's a great question. I've got some better ones.

What's Jeremy Renner's favorite cigar shop?

Where does Gerard Butler like to scuba dive?

Those are the big questions

Stan Magazine will attempt to answer.

I'll give you $600.

Great!

Barry, I'm so sorry about your grandmother,

that she won't be here to see you become

a magazine millionaire.

Who cares what Snot, the family, a couple of zoo workers,

and an entire Starbucks think of you?

The barista asked me to leave the store,

and then I could hear everyone cheer when I left.

Klaus, this is the least confident and sexy

I've ever felt.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, no! It's the Wednesday before Christmas, isn't it?

Tonight's my legendary Christmas sex party!

ALL: Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex!

What a disaster!

With your confidence so low

and my Bangtivity scene not finished yet.

I still have to glue on Joseph's mammoth hog

and arrange the Three Wise Men circle jerk.

[dance music thumping]

♪

Upstairs.

So, Rog, when are you gonna get in on the action?

Not sure.

Got my hands full with these refreshments,

and after that, I feel like it's time

I build that Lego Death Star I got six years ago.

Roger, you're being silly. You're sexy as hell.

This is your party! Get in there, Santa!

♪

Do I look good?

You're giving me a full-on Yule log, bro.

[inhales sharply, groans]

[woman moaning softly]

ROGER: Uhp. Coming through. 'Scuse me.

Hey, how's it going over here?

WOMAN: [screams] There's a hippo in here!

MAN: [grunting softly] Uh, that's clearly, uh, a squid.

ROGER: Okay, that hurts.

Heyo! How's the futon crew doing? Room for a fifth?

- TUTTLE: No! - MRS. LONSTEIN: Oh, God!

whatever you're doing, can you not do it near me?

ROGER: Sorry, sorry.

Everyone is just so obsessed with sex at this orgy!

What ever happened to a little something called conversation?

Huh? Sorry. I wasn't listening.

Tuttle is really getting into the Christmas spirit--

giving and receiving.

[hands clap twice]

[guests groan]

I thought we could take a break from all that humping

to share a nice Christmas goose.

Do we have to?

Yes. We're going to eat, chat,

and enjoy each other's sexiest body part...

- You mean the ball sac? - The taint?

Is he talking about the anus?

ROGER: The brain!

Have you read "Dune"?

I keep trying to get into it, but I don't know.

Maybe I'm just not a "Dune" guy.

[hands clap twice]

ROGER: Hey! I run the clapper around here!

[hands clap twice]

Okay. Very funny, everybody. Where'd the goose go?

I'm gonna turn off the light again,

and, whoever took the goose, just put it back.

No questions asked.

- [hands clap twice] - Thank you.

Oh, no! Did someone [bleep] this goose?!

Who [bleep] this goose?!

♪

'Sup, homies!

Dad, what are you doing here? And what happened to your face?

You think it's easy to stay on top of Snot's rankings?

I had all the fat from my feet and calves

put into my cheeks and lips.

Hi, Snot. Always good to see you.

Now, Barry, I wanted to chat

about continuing your investment in Stan Magazine.

Don't forget your grandmother's dying words--

"Support print journalism."

Her dying words were, "Find my killer."

Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Smith,

but this all seems like a giant vanity project.

You think I'm gonna take artistic advice

from my money guy?

No way. You suits are all the same.

You're the one wearing a suit!

I'm not giving you any more money.

Very well. You are dead to me.

I'm gonna go finish my lunch

with the sexy religious students.

You know, I always thought that cleaning up

after an orgy would be gross, and I was right.

Klaus, I can't live like this anymore.

Sex makes everything so much worse.

So I've decided to swear off sex from now on.

I'm giving it up forever!

I'm with you! I'm sick of sex, too!

I don't want to get railed, nailed,

Eiffel Towered, pretzel dipped, corkscrewed,

flat-ironed, wheel-barrowed, or sporked ever again.

I'm done, done, done with sex!

- Sporked? - Sex, who needs it?

Not me!

My whole downstairs is basically destroyed anyways!

[both laugh]

I like your vibe, strange woman.

Roger, professional uncle, hater of sex.

Elizabeth.

You know, if we're both

really serious about not having sex,

there's something we can do.

BOTH: We got married!

♪ Bum bum bummmm♪

♪

[ticking]

[alarm rings]

- Good morning. - Good morning to you, sir!

BOTH: Companionship!

KLAUS: Companionship!

Don't forget I'm part of this, too.

It's so nice not worrying about sex anymore.

I can focus on the important things in life,

like this flavorless oatmeal.

[muffled] And I can wear my night guard all day long!

Ugh! Mmm!

This homemade apple cider vinegar

is so much more sour than store-bought.

[birds chirping]

[birds giggling]

The birds are quite promiscuous up here in the mountains.

Woodworking. A true, lasting pleasure.

I can do this all night.

[yawns] But it's been a long day.

I think it's time to hit the hay.

Honey, it's 7:15 in the morning.

Oh.

Huh.

♪

- [footsteps approach] - Shhh. He's coming.

Why is dad dressed like a villainous emperor

from a sci-fi movie?

[snake hisses]

Thank you, Xerxes.

The venom of this little snake reactivates my calf fat.

It's what we in the magazine business call

a "compound plumpening."

I have great news!

After a brief bankruptcy,

Stan Magazine will continue to move forward

thanks to our angel investor-- Toshi.

[applause]

Don't you have friends of your own?

Not really, no.

Okay, let's get an update from my writers.

Chuck Klosterman, how's that hit piece

on that cheap-ass loser Barry?

It's a brutal takedown as requested--

All right. That's enough, chatterbox.

I pay you to type, not to talk.

[slurring] Stan, how many more tequilas

do you want me to taste test?

Um, I-I asked you to write about lacrosse.

[bottle clanks]

Finally, Malcolm Gladwell,

how are those wrist-watch reviews coming?

Stan, I-I tried to explain.

My writings deal with the unexpected implications

of human behavior in the social sciences.

Well, now you review wrist watches.

And remember, it's a men's magazine,

so the highest rating is five boners.

[snake hisses]

You heard the snake. Back to work!

[piano music playing softly]

Companionship!

Companionship.

♪

This is the life.

As little sex and as much apple cider vinegar

as we want!

♪

Was kinda hoping that would kill me.

♪

Mmm. Burnt-ass bread.

Who needs sex?

Not me and my burnt-ass bread.

We're doing great.

♪

Hi. Time Warner? Yes, I'd like to lodge a complaint.

Dr. Phil is wearing a tan suit today

and he looks like a giant fat penis!

♪

There. Done.

♪

We've been here for a while.

I learned to play the piano!

♪

[dance music thumping]

ROGER: What is that awful noise?

I don't like it!

Elizabeth! Can you hear this?

[birds giggle]

[dance music playing]

"Uncle Tuttle's Ballsackular Bang Bash"?

[gasps] Elizabeth!

My Christmas sex party has been stolen

by that pervert Al Tuttle!

Elizabeth! The party seems bigger than ever!

There's a line around the block to get in!

Oh, man, Elizabeth!

You're not gonna believe this, but-- ha ha!--

there's a woman there that's bitin' your humdrum style.

What a joke! She can't pull it off at all!

She even has your same back tattoo

that means "betrayal" in Chinese.

Elizabeth, you gotta see this!

Elizabeth?

Wait a minute!

I've been whatever is Chinese for betrayed!

- Aah! - [thunder crashes]

What is all the commotion?

[Roger screaming]

Roger! What is happening to you?!

ROGER: I don't know! I think this is what happens

when my species has been betrayed!

Or maybe this is what happens to my species

if they go a year without sex.

How do you not know?!

ROGER: I flunked out of school, Klaus.

[suspenseful chord strikes]

Whoa, Roger.

ROGER: I am not Roger anymore.

Call me The Grounch.

The Grounch Who Stole Sex-mas.

[thunder crashes]

♪ Gonna have sex, gonna have sex♪

♪ Gonna have sex today♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride♪

♪ On a random stranger's face, yay!♪

KLAUS: Now that the Grounch had been betrayed,

he couldn't stand anyone getting laid.

And every party-goer liked sex a lot.

But the Grounch...

he did not.

The Grounch hates sex

and the people who have it one and all.

Most think because his boner

was two sizes too small.

[growls]

The Grounch couldn't stand

to see all these people,

every one of them so horny.

He said to the heavens...

I must find a way to stop this orgy!

Right in that moment,

the Grounch got an idea.

A ghastly, gruesome...

Grounch-y idea.

I know exactly what all these pervs need to get off.

Tonight I will steal all their sexy things--

the Spank-A-Roos, the Bungle-Fondlers,

and the Strap-On-Dill-Dolls.

I will ruin their big party

and give everyone blue balls.

KLAUS: His mission clear,

the Grounch yelled down the hill...

[echoing] If I can't have sex, then no one will!

[engine revs]

♪ You're a green one, Monsieur Grounch♪

♪ You have no sex appeal♪

♪ You look like a furry booger♪

♪ You're charming as a dead seal♪

♪ Monsieur Grounch♪

♪ You smell like three-day-old gym shorts♪

♪ Worn by an incontinent♪

♪ Shaquille O'Neal♪

♪

♪ You're an original character, Monsieur Grounch♪

♪ That's an undeniable fact♪

♪ But if this does remind you of some other creature♪

♪ Don't overreact♪

♪ The Supreme Court ruled that a parody may claim fair use♪

♪ Under Section 107♪

♪ Of the Copyright Act♪

MAN: Where's my Pee-Pee-Pump-O-Max?!

SUZE: And I'm looking for my Hoo-Hoo-Wax!

BULLOCK: I can't possibly get down

without my Rooty-Tooty-Booty-Snacks!

TUTTLE: Hey! Where's my Dingle-Dongle?

MRS. LONSTEIN: And I can't have sex without my Vibra-Shlongle!

DR. KALGARY: Has anyone seen my Anal-Tongle?!

♪ You're a piece of shit, Monsieur Grounch♪

♪ You stink like a Muppet's fart♪

♪ You're a real bad apple♪

♪ You're worse than Paul Blart the mall cop♪

♪ You're the worst thing to happen♪

♪ To the local community♪

♪ Since Walmart!♪

[engine revs]

♪

Tuck in that shirt. This isn't fajita night at Applebee's.

This is fajita night catered by Applebee's

for Stan Magazine's launch party.

♪

All right. It's 8:00.

Time to open the doors and let the riff-raff in.

[doors creak]

Where's my riff-raff?

Dad, I tried to tell you that no one had RSVP'd,

but you just kept accusing me

of not considering fashion an art form.

Fashion is an art form, Hayley!

Wait. No one's coming?

[laughter]

Put that back on the pedestal!

[laughs] What's with the Pikachus on every page?

What? You think it's too much like

all the other men's magazines?

I'm sorry I'm not perfect like you, Steve!

[sobbing]

[wind whistling]

Noooooo!

Why must the beautiful suffer so?!

KLAUS: The Grounch was happy, his mission complete,

till he heard the sound of sucking on feet.

ROGER: I don't understand. How could this be?

They're still having the sex party?

KLAUS: And then he made a realization

that made his face flush.

The spirit of sex is too hard to crush.

The Grounch realized that a sex party

isn't about toys, lingerie, or lube with spermicide.

It's about feeling sexy inside.

But that's exactly what the Grounch didn't feel.

I guess before bed I'll have a sad bowl of oatmeal.

And that might have been the end of our pathetic tale,

if the Grounch hadn't noticed

that he was standing on a scale.

Holy shit! I've lost two pounds!

It must be all that oatmeal I've been eating.

Dang, I look skinny as hell.

Ho ho...

ho.

That was the moment that everything changed.

Suddenly the Grounch didn't feel like such a grump.

The Grounch was feeling sexy, and he wanted to hump.

ROGER: Ow!

[party music playing]

♪

I want to apologize to all of you.

I'm sorry I tried to ruin your night.

Not good enough. We're mad at you!

You know, you stole Hideki's heartburn medication.

Not cool.

Well, if words can't convince you,

maybe this will change your mind.

[grunting softly]

Mmm. Let us talk it over.

♪

We've decided we want to have sex with you.

Elizabeth.

I want you first.

Please come in.

There's snacks in the kitchen, a shower in the back,

and no finishing on my iguana.

♪

[chatter and laughter]

♪

Huh. I guess I screwed off all my green fur.

Well, I did it, Klaus. I shtupped the whole town.

Congratulations, Roger.

Glad you got your mojo back.

Yeah, me too.

I just don't understand what lesson I was supposed to learn.

JEANS: Don't you remember?

Confidence is sexy!

Oh, hi, Jeans!

So this was all about confidence.

JEANS: Obviously.

Goodbye, Roger.

I must now return to where I live, behind the moon.

Merry Christmas!

STAN: And happy New Year!

Buh-bye! See you soon!

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