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Silence! What do you think
you're all playing at?

We are not playing, we are arguing.

l'm just five minutes late, and you are
all getting at each other's throats already.

Come on, sit down.
Su Lee watch out

Danielle, l'm surprised at you.
What are you and Max are going about?

- Well...
- Nothing, honest. l just asked
her to come for a Greek meal.

And l just thought we'll have
a little bit of this...

and a little bit of that.

lt's the little of bit of
this and that, that l don't like.

Giovanni, what were you
and Juan quarelling over?

He was making fun of Santa Maria.

Santa Maria, the Virgin Mary?

No, Luigi Santa Maria, the
ltalian footballer.

ltalian footballers animals!

- You shut your mouth, you big
Spanish onion. - Ah, sit down you!

lf you spend half as much
energy learning English...

as you do on arguing with each
other, you ought be perfect by now.

That is you have a lot to learn, and it's
just over a week to take your examinations.

And l don't think you're
quite ready at all.

Excuse please, you're
committing a mistake.

No, l'm not.

You may have mastered a few words,
but you speak English atrociously.

All we need is a little electrocution.

- Elocution.
- Hokay.

You're quite right Max. What you all need
is to practice English conversation

Now, part of your exam will consist
of how well you speak English...

as well as notes.

So before we break for tea, l'm
going to go around the class...

and l want each of you to speak
for a minute in turn...

on whatever subject l give you.

We'll start with you Danielle.

Your subject is the sea side.

The sea side?

l like to go to the beach...

take all my clothes
off and lie in the sun.

Tell me which beach,
l'll come and watch.

Don't interrupt Giovanni,
sit down. Go one Danielle.

One weekend, l went to
the isle of the Man.

- The isle of man?
- Yes, but l was very disappointed.

There were not all men.

So thank you Danielle.
That will do. Well done.

- Ali.
- Yes please?

Television.

Jolly good. l'm liking very
much the English television.

Every night l'm watching the Crosswords.

- Crossroads.
- Yes please.

l'm also liking all the advertisements.

And I'm learning lots
of useful English things.

Like graded grains making finer flower.

And little perforation.

Yes, fairly good.

- Only one thing l'm not liking.
- What's that?

Paying the money for the license.

- Not to worry. Thank you. Well done.
- Jolly good

- Su Lee, your subject, philosophy.
- Very good.

ln democratic republic of China...

philosophy is for the poll where all
property invested in community...

each member working
according to his capacity...

receiving according to his wants, as
opposed to western philosophy...

where people are exploited
by corrupt capitalism...

That is not tlue, true. Sit down.

Jamila. A minute please, on art.

- Art?
- Painting.

Okay, painting.
l like very much, painting.

Last Wed-nesday, l did painting.

You painted a picture?

No, not picture,
l painting kitchen door.

l don't mean that sort of painting.
l mean, works by the great masters.

Leonardo Da Vinci, Turner, Matisa.

Oh... Now... last weekend-ing,
l am going to Tatty gallery.

- Tate.
- Yes Tate.

And, l am not like what l see.

Painting of ladies, bare foot...

up to here.

And, showing their bosoms and all that.

And also, paintings of undressed
gentlemen, showing all their...

Yeah, don't even go on
the details. It's alright.

Anna, can you speak for a
minute on life after death.

Yes. l do not believe
in life after death.

When you are dead, that is the end.

That's not true.
When you die you go to heaven.

Well, us Catholics go to heaven.

- What about everybody else?
- Everybody else go to hell.

lf heaven is full of Catholics
like you, l'll prefer to go to hell.

l don't think we'll pursue that
subject for the moment...

if you don't mind.
Thank you, Anna.

Max, a minute please,
on British birds.

l like British birds, especially blondes.

Quite! That's not very funny, Max.

Sorry.

Everyday, in the garden of
my lodging house, l have many birds.

Blackie birds, cocky sparrows...

and sometimes, a blue breast.

Tit, a blue tit.

Okay. Yesterday,
l see a red robin tit.

That's a robin, red breast.

- Hokay, Yes. British birds much confusing.
- Yeah well...

Nevermind. Well done. Okay Giovanni,
what should we give you to speak about?

- Girls.
- l don't think so, Giovanni.

- Have you any hobbies?
- Sure.

My favorite hobby is girls.

- Don't you have any other hobbies?
- Sure, but not as good.

I'm not stopping you, but try
and speak for one minute...

without bringing girls
into your conversation.

Okay. l have two other hobbies.

- The first hobby is making wine.
- What's the second hobby?

Drinking it.

After l drink it, l do my third hobby.

But you don't let me talk about it.

My friend, Finchanso,
his hobby is pinching.

- You mean he's a thief?
- No! Not a thief.

You said his hobby was pinching.
What does he pinch?

You don't let me talk about that either.

Thank you Giovanni that will do.
Thank you.

Ranjeet. What can you tell
us about evolution.

Nothing at all.

- Why not?
- l'm not knowing what it means.

Well, it means the origin of
the species, where we all came from.

- Now l'm understanding.
- Good.

l came from Punjab, he came from ltaly.

- She came from France.
- No, you're taking me to literally

l want you to speak about how
life itself began.

Thousand apologies.

Life began with man and lady make love.

Yes, but before that, what happened?

They put the light out.

No, Darwin's theory of evolution Ranjeet,
is that life was not created...

but evolved from a pre-existing form.

The first forms of life were in the sea.

And then came creatures who got out
of the sea and crawled on their legs.

Then became four-legged mammals.

Then came creatures who
could stand on two legs.

And then came the great apes.

- Juan.
- Si senor.

Let's see your observation on the stars.

Por favor?
Ah si, stars.

- There is plenty stars.
- Yeah well, can you name some?

Sophia Loren, Michael Douglas.

- Quite!
- Sorry Mr. Brown, just a joke.

Just? lf it isn't too much trouble...

can you try being more
serious for one minute?

Si, si. Minute I speak serious.
For one minute.

Stars. ln the heaven, plenty stars.

Some big stars, some little stars.

Some not so big stars,
some not so little stars.

Some bright stars, some dull stars.

Some not so bright stars,
some not so...

- Thank you, Juan.
- Hey, I not speak for one minute.

Well, l think you've spoken
for long enough.

- Taro.
- Ah so.

A minute please on childhood.

- Not want to speak-o about childhood.
- Why not?

Very bad time for me.
No parents.

- No parents?
- Santa Maria. He's a miracle baby.

Mother, father killed when
l was a small boy.

- Childhood, very lonely.
- Yes Taro, I know what you mean.

Did you lose your parents when
you were a little boy?

l didn't exactly lose them,
l just don't know who they are.

You were an orphan?

- Yes.
- That's terrible.

One Easter Monday.
When l was about two weeks old...

l was left on the steps of an orphanage...

in Jeremy street.
And hence my name, Jeremy.

Oh deary me, l'm being
very sad for you.

Not having a mummy!

Oh cheer up Ali, what
you never have, you never miss.

Matter of fact, until I was
about two, l was convinced...

my mummy was a big
woolly teddy bear.

Well, l must say l do often
wonder sometimes...

whether l have any
brothers and sisters.

Hey! We be your brothers and sisters.

Sure, we all become one
big happy family.

And l will be your brother.

And l will be your sister.
Well, not quite sister.

Well, that's very kind of you all. I
think we'll break for tea now, alright.

- Good evening Mr. Brown.
- Good evening Ms. Courtney.

- Headache?
- No thanks, l've already got one.

- You like a couple of aspirin?
- l think l need a drink, actually.

Strong black coffee might help.

A double scotch might
help a bit more.

l need a break. A nice quiet
10 minutes away from my students...

will do me a world of good.

- Vodka and tomato juice please.
- l'm only wanting Coca-Cola please.

- Beer!
- A glass of milk please.

Look, l only got one pair of hands.

Hey, they are beautiful hands.

- Thank you.
- You are a beautiful girl.

- (speaking in Spanish)
- What do you want?

Brandy.

Oh look, I'm right out. I'll have to go
to the other bar. I won't be a minute.

- Soright - Hey, what about us?!
- You've to wait!

Hey boys look, here is Mr. Brown.

What are you all doing here?

- We likes a change.
- Canteen coffee not very good.

Can we be buying you a drinky please?

Well that's very kind of you, but
I've got a bit of a headache...

so if you don't mind, I just like
to quitely sit down over there.

- Hello Mr. Brown.
- Hello Sid.

- Yes please?
- Don't you ever get drunk?

Every night, I can't
face the wife sober.

- You got any family, Sid?
- Eh?

- Any family, any children?
- Oh... yes and no.

- What do you mean, yes and no?
- Me and little we did have a nickle once.

l was out of work, l had no
money. Got a bit desperate.

So I wrapped the baby up well, took it out,
put it on the steps of the orphanage.

- An orphanage?
- Yeah, in Jeremy street.

Jeremy street?

lt wasn't on Easter Monday, was it?

Yes, it was.

Sid, your father?
Are you sure?

- Afraid so.
- What did he say when you told him?

- l haven't told him yet.
- But you must.

Oh, I don't know.
Some things are best left alone.

l mean, after all, it was a
long time ago, nearly 30 years.

- The truth, Mr. Brown, must be told
- Do you think it's wise?

I mean, it's a bit of shock to
realise you are related to someone...

so rough and vulgar.

Nonsense! I's sure Sid will
soon get used to you.

Thank you.

You know, come to think of
it, and looking at you now...

there's quite a resemblance.

- What? Sid and me?
- Yes, especially the profile.

- Like father like son.
- Oh dear.

- What about your mother?
- Yea, what about her?

According to Sid,
she sounds like an old dragon.

Well l think, it's very romantic.

Enter.

l just brought the stock room key back.

Sorry, l'm not protruding, am I?

No Sidney, of course not,
quite the opposite.

ln fact your presence
here is most opportune.

Mr. Brown has something to say
to you. Haven't you, Mr. Brown?

- Yes.
- Well, l'll leave you two alone.

- What do you want to say, son?
- Son? You just called me son.

Don't get your nickers into twist.
I called everybody son.

Except the birds.

ln any case, l'm old enough
to be your father.

Come, sit down, Sid.

Cigarette Sid?

No, I'm sorry,
I just run out right.

- No, l'm offering you one.
- Oh, that's very kind of you.

Thanks very much.

- Listen Sid, you see...
what l wanted to ask you is a...
- Yeah?

- Well you see... how are you keeping?
- As a bamboo.

Oh good. Good.

What is it you want to say to me?

Ah yes, well you see it
could be a bit embarrassing.

lt's not about the
cape of good hope, is it?

Cape of good hope?

The soap that we use in the wash basin.

- Soap?
- l only did it once. Yeah!

lt was ludacris, but I was a bit short.

l only flocked about half a dozen.

- You stole six bars of soap?
- Cases.

I got pal of mine in the
market, he sells anything.

l wish you hadn't told me about that.

- lt wasn't about the soap?
- No, l never even heard about it.

- It's about the crockery?
- Wha...?

- Crockery in the canteen.
- You haven't been
stealing crockery, have you?

l just took about a dozen of
each. Some were old and chipped.

You'll tell me next
you've been nicking the chairs.

- Nicking the chairs.
- No, l never nicked any chairs.

- That's a relief.
- Can't make me any profit.

- I wonder if it's hereditary.
- Pardon?

Nevermind. Look Sid, tell me about
your wife. What's she like?

Pain in the neck.

You must've been fond of her once.

Nah! She's always nagging.
Nag nag nag.

- Perhaps she feels neglected.
- She deserves to be neglected.

l'd divorce her if it
wasn't for one thing.

- What's that?
- We're not married.

Not married!

No, we thought about it,
but never came around it.

- That's terrible!
- Well, it doesn't worry us.

- Yeah, but that makes me... your child...
- Alright look...

Don't say it Sid, please.

Sid you must get married. lf for
my... for your child's sake.

l mean, to give it a name.

lt's too late for that now, and in
any case, we can't afford it.

l mean, she wants a
new outfit, a proper do.

lt's not be wise to waste all that money.

- Look Sid l'll pay.
- You'll what?

- l'll pay for the wedding.
- Why, what for?

- I want to.
- Can l have a new whistle and flute?

- Yeah.
- And a car with flowers?

- Yes.
- And booze afterwards?

- Naturally.
- God blimey

l know it sounds strange,
but l have got my reasons.

Can you and your wife meet me in
Red Line pub after school tonight?

- Yeah, that will be alright.
- Right, I'll see you there then?

- Yeah. Alright
- Yeah?

See you later, son.

My own father, a thief!

Still I suppose l should
be grateful in a way.

lf he hadn't left me at the
orphanage steps...

he brought me up himself, what
would l be like today?

- Hello Dad... got your nanny nanny-o
- What?

- Your Jack Daniel.
- Oh, thanks, son.

- You bet shove that on
your skyrocket as well.
- What's this? lt must be 50 quid here.

- 53.
- Where did you get it from?

I bumped with a few geezer
outside and it fell off his pocket.

Chip off the old block, eh?

Are we going to have
a nose job afterwards?

No, I mean, if you'd allow his
foot might not going bash up his
purs support, as you know what I mean?

I find few bellies, went on
to discotheque and have some
crumpets and right on my way.

- Quite enjoying yourself? Very work, son.
- Right on. Here you go, cheers.

- Mr. Brown... Mr. Brown!
- Yeah darling, what...

Sorry Ms. Courtney, l was miles away.

Well, did you tell him?

No, l don't really
think l ought to actually.

But of course you must tell him, Mr. Brown.

- There's no other alternative.
- Oh, there is.

- What's that?
- l could shoot myself.

- Danielle, what are you doing tonight?
- Oui?

Why you ask?

There's a dance at the students club.

You want to come?

Hey l was going to ask
Danielle to come with me.

Too bad. l ask her first.

- What you say?
- Well, l like very much to dance.

Good. l'll show you how
to do the ltalian shuffle.

You stand-a like this, then
you put your arms around my neck.

l put my arms around your waist.
Then we put our cheeks together.

- What do we do next?
- Who cares?

- Go away!
- l hope l'm not interrupting anything.

l was just showing Danielle how
to dance the ltalian shuffle.

That kind of shuffle, go back to your seat.

Right now, part of your
examination next week will consist
of reading aloud. That is to say poem.

So l hope tonight, we have a
practice of reading out a poem.

Jolly good. l'm hearing
a jolly good poem last night.

There was a young lady called Nelly.

Who was tattooed all over in Delhi.

Right down her back, was the Union Jack.

And God save the Queen on her belly.

Thank you, sit down.

Right now, the poem l'm going to
read is called The Daffodils...

by William Wordsworth.

l gotta ask each of you to
read out a line in turn.

We'll start with you again, Danielle.

- l wandered lonely... as a cloth?
- Cloud.

Sorry.

That floats on high o'er
valleys and hillies.

- Vales and hills.
- Jolly good.

- Su Lee
- When all at once l saw a clout.

- Crowd.
- Jamila

- A host of golden daffodilies.
- Daffodils.

Besides zhe lakes, beneath zhe trees.

- THE... THE... THE.
- Zhe... zhe... zhe.

Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Well done.
Giovanni.

Continuous as-da stars that-a shine-a.

Continuous as the stars that shine.

Continuous as the stars that shine.

Better.
Ranjeet.

And tinkle on the milky way.

- Twinkle!
- Thousand apologies.

Anybody know what the milky way is?

Si senor. Chocolate.

The milky way is a luminous
collection of stars.

Si, si.
Sophia Loren, Michael Douglas...

No Juan.
Go on, it's your turn.

So right, so right.
They stretch in never ending light.

Good.
Taro!

Along-o the margin of the bale (bay).

Well done, I'm sure Mr. Wordsworth
would have found that...

quite an uplifting experience.

Mr. Brown, I just had a telephone
call from your fath... from Sidney.

He asked me to tell you that
when you're finished...

he'll be waiting for you at
the bar of the Red Line...

with your mothe... with his wife.

- Hello Sid.
- Hello Mr. Brown.

- Where is your wife?
- She's gone to the watered.

- She won't be a minute.
- See you got the drinks in then?

Yeah, I told Maggie you'll
pay for them when you came in.

Hey Sid! Where's that teacher?

Meet the wife. Don't laugh.

- Hello
- Pleased to meet you, Mrs...

- You might call me Ma.
- Ma.

Here, is it true what Sid says that
you are going to pay for our wedding?

Yes, Ma.

- Oh well, that's a great relief, Sid.
- Yeah, we are.

- But what l don't understand...
- l'll try and explain, you see...

Remember what you told me
about leaving your little baby...

- at an orphanage in Jeremy street?
- Yeah.

One of the reasons why l
want you two to get married is...

is that your child will be illegitimate.

Ah! What a lovely thought!
l must give you a kiss.

l'll tell you something now.
30 years ago...

tha you left that baby in
the orphanage at Jeremy street.

- Yeah, it was about that time. Yeah.
- On an Easter Monday?

- Yeah. - Well, even l was left
at an orphanage 30 years ago...

in Jeremy street on an Easter Monday.

You hear that Sid,
what a coincidence!

lf l told you l was that baby...

would you say that was a coincidence?

- No, it'll be a blooming miracle.
- Why?

Because our baby was a girl.