Original subtitles

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Top Gear!

We're back from our World Cup break.

To be honest, we've found ourselves in a little bit of a pickle.

See, the thing is, we have to record this week's episode way in advance.

So we've got no idea who's won.

Not a clue, so we're going to hedge our bets.

First, let's go with a favourite.

Congratulations, Brazil! Well done! CHEERING

You've done it again! You've done it again!

Who else?

Congratulations, Germany!

MUTED CHEERS, SOME BOOS

Oh! Too soon? Presume penalties?

And I guess, everyone, there's always a chance...

it might have happened!

England!

CHEERING

Lads, lads, lads... Lads, don't forget Wales.

What? Don't forget Wales. Let's not go mad.

Right, what we do know is

it's our last episode of the series and it's a belter.

Later on, we're going to give you some useful car-buying advice,

but we kick off with the best noise in the world.

DISTANT ENGINE REVS

ENGINE ECHOES

THROATY RUMBLE

ENGINE PITCH BUILDS

That is the sound of a Ferrari V12.

That...is the sound of Italy.

And what a sound it is.

A sound that lives at the heart...

..of the Daytona SP3.

Oh-ho, come on!

Born out of the Prancing Horse's Special Projects stable,

Maranello's latest costs £1.8 million.

And its only purpose in life

is to celebrate this glorious marque's

glorious history.

The V12 IS Ferrari.

The first-ever road car they built, some 75 years ago,

was powered by a V12,

and they've been building them ever since.

This one is the most powerful of the lot.

829 horsepower.

Don't mind if I do.

Oh, whoa...!

Oh-ho!

Listen to that!

ENGINE ROARS

As celebrations go,

that is a good start.

But where the real surprise comes

is in the way they've put this car together.

There are no turbos, batteries or e-motors here.

No four-wheel drive either,

nor even the usual flappy bits of active aero.

No - the Daytona is unusually old school.

This is Ferrari getting a little bit nostalgic,

which to be honest, isn't very Ferrari.

They're all about the future and advancement

and developing the next bit of tech.

But just this once,

they've took a little trip down memory lane.

Sure, 0-60 in less than three seconds

and a 211mph top speed -

they're all very modern numbers.

Dear me!

But the attitude of the car is much more old-fashioned.

The steering's a little bit weightier than the usual Ferrari,

and they've engineered a bit of a thump on the gear change

that gives it a real old-school feel.

And check this out for retro.

Pop-up headlights!

I mean, it's close enough, innit? Come on.

And as for the rest of the way the Daytona looks,

that all comes from Ferrari's deep dive

into the old family albums.

First, you've got that futuristic slatted tail,

borrowed from the 250 P5 concept of 1968.

The bulging wings with those side mirrors perched on top

are pure historic endurance racer.

In fact, the name, basic shape, even bits of the interior

all hark back to the legendary P330 series cars

that, back in 1967,

took a 1-2-3 finish at the 24 Hours of Daytona.

And look at that view over the bonnet.

It makes you feel like a proper racing driver from back in the day.

Pop on a crash helmet, pair of overalls,

a couple of laps of Italy,

then back home to England for tea and crumpets.

But while there's no denying the sense of occasion

the Daytona's stripped-back retro-racer vibes deliver,

in a couple of places,

they might have taken it a bit too far.

For starters, take these seats.

Now, when you buy a Daytona, Ferrari measure you up

and then glue some cushions to the chassis in the exact right position.

But what happens if your partner or your mate

doesn't have the exact same size hips as you?

It's going to be a very uncomfortable ride.

And then we've got the carbon-fibre roof.

Once that's off, it's off.

So if the weather turns and it starts to rain,

you're going to get wet.

Unless you pop this on, which...

..which isn't very Ferrari.

It's more like you're going on a camping trip.

It doesn't scream 1.8 million quid, does it?

If we're being honest, though, none of that actually matters.

The Daytona's not meant to be practical,

in the same way it's not meant to be the fastest

or the most cutting-edge supercar going.

Really, the best way to think of it

is as a £1.8 million

work of art.

It's a portal to another time.

It makes people smile.

And it certainly makes me smile.

Come on!

But like so many works of art, the real sadness

is that most people will never get to experience the Daytona.

The 600 odd that Ferrari's building

will all be locked away in climate-controlled garages,

doomed to be passed around the 0.1 percenters

as nothing more...

..than investments.

And that is an absolute travesty.

So, while I've still got the Daytona for another couple of hours,

it's time to give a little bit back.

It's time to let the people enjoy it.

Oh, yes, you can forget UberLUX.

It's time to say ciao to Pad's Cabs.

Just wait for a fare now.

Ciao, ciao.

Hello! Yes, grazie.

Oh, ey up, could be my first bit of business here!

Ciao! Ciao!

Taxi? Grazie.

In you come, there you go.

Ferrari Daytona.

Wow!

ENGINE RUMBLES

OK, ready? Ready!

Wow, wow!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Oh, a man of the cloth!

Taxi? Si, Father!

In! Grazie!

Buongiorno. Buongiorno.

Here we go!

ENGINE REVS

PADDY CHUCKLES

So that's two happy customers up and running.

Wow! I love Ferrari!

Yeah? Yeah. Ah!

The third, though...

Taxi?

..would take a bit more winning over.

It's a bit of a squeeze to get in.

Ah...wahey!

Oh-ho-ho!

Trolley? Si, si, si, si, si!

Oh, God!

That's not going to...

That's not... That's not going to work.

Oh...

All right, like all supercars,

boot space in the Daytona is an issue.

But no nonna can resist the Ferrari V12.

ENGINE RUMBLES Oh!

Exactly!

Hold on tight!

SHE SCREAMS

But then, of course, driving a cab through a town you don't know

in a country whose language you don't speak

does present a few more challenges.

Erm, dov'e...?

Er... The market.

Market, si!

Direczioni?

Piazza Duomo.

Piazza...? Duomo.

Duamo. Duomo.

Duamo. Duomo.

Duamo.

San Beradino, OK.

Sono Paddy.

Paddy? Paddy.

Sono Paddy.

Name, my name. Oh.

Father - Paddy.

My Italian's coming on a treat.

This is kind of the point, though,

because with the Daytona,

it really doesn't matter where you're going.

This car makes any journey properly special.

This car. Si?

Two million euros.

Whoo! Whoo!

Oh! Very expense.

Oh, very!

Too much for... Too much, too much.

..for common people. THEY LAUGH

0-60mph in less than three seconds.

Wow! Yeah.

Wow!

Wow!

Ah!

Oh-ho-ho! Ah!

It's so crazy!

It is quick.

It's a crazy taxi. Yeah, it is a crazy taxi, yeah.

And this crazy taxi gets a five-star rating.

To be in a Ferrari,

it's a lovely dream.

Yes, beautiful.

I love so much this car.

I fall in love with this car.

Yeah, I love this car as well.

And...here we go.

Fantastic.

Ohh! That's it, you're there!

That's the one!

Watch your head, watch your head, there we go.

Have you got everything?

Oh, er, basket, shopping.

Si, I... Two minutes.

OK. Here we go.

TYRES SQUEAL

Dos momento!

There we go.

Thank you very much. Thank you so much. Oh, lovely!

Bye-bye, bye-bye!

It's OK? Grazie, grazie. Thank you, Father, thank you.

So the good people of L'Aquila

have experienced the joy...

Momento!

..of the Daytona.

There we go.

Grazie, grazie, grazie.

Mwah, mwah. Grazie.

And now...

..there's just one job left to do.

And that's to take this work of art

back to its climate-controlled garage...

..300 miles away.

Avanti!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That... That's a lovely car. Nice, Pad.

So jealous! Love a Ferrari.

Beautiful car, beautiful car. Jealous!

Honestly, the attention it got was unbelievable.

But do you think the looks were enhanced

by the plastic taxi triangle that you slapped to the roof?

That's just the cherry on top of the cake, Chris.

Let me tell you, Pad's Cabs did a roaring trade.

You might not arrive with your luggage,

but you'll get there very, very quickly.

Paddy, 1.8 million quid.

I don't think cabbies are going to be going out ditching the Priuses.

No, no, it is bonkers money.

But listen, everything is bonkers money these days.

Look at the price of a pint in London!

He knows, he'll tell you!

You need drink after you've paid for one, mate, don't you? Correct!

But there's still one vehicle that's doing a booming trade,

and that's the humble van.

Because thanks to the flourishing business of online deliveries,

it's all happening in the world of vans right now.

You want a new one? You're spoiled for choice.

What have we got, lads?

I love this, the ID.Buzz Cargo,

the van version of the new electric VW love bus.

I'll admit it - not the cheapest, not the biggest.

But look, it's far more interesting than a boring diesel box.

Lovely looking thing, yeah. Yeah!

Crystals, what about you? Mercedes eVito.

Again, all electric, 160 miles of range.

Much, much cleverer inside than your average white van.

Yeah, and we've got, everyone, a Ford Transit Custom.

There she is! Come on, enjoy it!

CHEERING

Last year, this was the best-selling vehicle in the UK.

Not the best-selling van, the best-selling vehicle.

It outsold Fiestas, Focuses, Corsas, Golfs, the lot - amazing!

But here's the issue,

because a shiny van like this doesn't come cheap.

Apparently this one, 41 grand.

I know, I know, it is crazy,

but what if you want to get into the delivery game on a budget?

Well, to find out, the producers gave us each three grand

and told us to buy ourselves a van,

give it a proper delivery-company paint job,

and prepare for some challenges.

At the risk of making this piece of consumer testing rather brief,

getting into the delivery game on a budget is simple.

When it comes to vans, you can't beat the original, the best -

the Ford Transit.

Not only British built, but pretty much built Britain.

It's part of the fabric of our nation.

And I've got myself a minter here, just 230,000 miles.

It's barely run-in.

If you're going to deliver stuff,

I don't know why you'd deliver it in anything else.

Unless, that is, you want it delivered faster.

Yeah, I really don't know why you'd choose anything e...

A sprightly entry!

Hello!

First of all, Fred... What?!

..no notes on the name, absolutely superb, bang-on.

Smashed it, haven't I? You have, I can't complain, that's superb.

One question - the brief said, "Buy a van."

You've bought a family estate car with no windows.

This is an Astra Van.

In the cities... Yeah?

..you want to be fast, get your parcels,

you want to be nimble, you want to park it easy.

This does all that and looks great.

OK, let's talk performance. Engine?

It's a 1.9. Yeah. Diesel. Yeah, and...

I've got some new rims, I've got a spoiler on the back.

It looks the part, Chris. Scenario. Yeah.

"Hi, FredEx? I want to deliver a sofa, please."

"Yes, I will sort that out."

Then I'll put the phone down. Yep.

"Hiya, Chris, I hear you've got a Transit van down at Purple Sector?

"Could you... BOTH LAUGH

"Could you deliver a couch for me?"

As I was speaking then, I saw the name!

The Purple Sector!

Let me talk you through Purple Sector delivery, OK?

If you want fast, accurate deliveries... Yeah.

..Purple Sector is all about motorsport,

cos when you go quickest in a sector on a race track, you go purple.

So this is about speed, this is about being the quickest.

Speed? It's a Transit van! This is about speed.

I reckon, in a straight line, that would toast that. Shut up!

It would! A Transit van? It's a winner!

Come on, it's a winner.

So are you going to be the quintessential Transit van driver?

I'm an aggressive little man in a Transit van.

Wow.

Come on!

Do you want those cowboys knocking at your door?

Would you prefer a more reliable service?

Oh, my Lord.

I can't wait for this.

Come on, then.

FREDDIE LAUGHS

Good morning, gentlemen!

Good morning! How are we?

Is it Postman Pat or Postman Pad?

I'm going back to an era when the postal service was respected.

You two look like you've come off the set of CBeebies.

W-Wha...? Coming from you?!

Right, there's a lot to take in here, Pad.

First of all... You start, Chris.

..the choice of van, a VW Caddy.

Paddy and the Caddy.

Based on the old Volkswagen Golf, handles fantastically.

700 kilos in the back.

Look at it! It's a beauty.

Does it not make you smile? A bright red van like that.

You've got one thing missing, though. What?

Where's Jess? Please.

Where's Jess? Please!

He's not... I don't want to know.

He's not got a cat in the back of there!

Here she is! FREDDIE LAUGHS

OK, that's not... that's not acceptable.

There's just nothing right about that!

I've got to say, firstly...

That's just staring at me!

That's not a real cat! I can't deal with this.

Is it a real cat? She's a bit funny with strangers.

No! That was someone's pet!

It still is, it's mine.

FREDDIE AND CHRIS LAUGH

So, this day had gone weird unusually quickly.

But nevertheless, we'd been told it was time

to put our delivery vans to the test at a nearby mystery location.

The mystery location happily located somewhere beyond the end...

..of this runway.

Go on, Purple Member, start us off.

Purple Sector.

Sorry.

Three, two, one, go.

Oh, go on, the Astra Van!

Oh, look at this, I'm being taken down by the Astra!

Oh-ho-ho!

Come on, the Caddy!

And the bloody Caddy as well!

Oh...!

# Early in the morning

# As the day is dawning... #

Oh, I'm getting hammered here.

Harry said he was going to have me!

This is the future of deliveries.

# Postman Pat is a very happy chap... #

I was quietly confident that the rear-wheel drive,

very lightweight, empty Transit van would do quite well,

but I was absolutely thumped there.

Exactly!

In the world of deliveries,

most of the time it's not size that's important.

It's speed.

All these huge delivery vans tooling around town,

if you look at them, they're never full of stuff.

You know, people order socks, charging cables - small things.

This is all you need, one of these.

I wouldn't be late in this, I'd be there early.

I'm bringing a bit of sportiness to the van world.

Now, this particular generation Transit

was one of the last to be built in the UK,

and being a Ford, it actually drives a lot better than it needs to.

The steering's good, the brakes are good, the gear shift is fine.

And I'll tell you what, it is fun to drive.

And when you're spending your whole working week behind the wheel,

that is frankly much more important

than where you put your stuffed cat.

Are you curling up, my love?

You know, there's something lovely

about seeing a bright red van coming down the road.

That little nod back to happy, innocent times.

There used to be a time

when people'd look forward to seeing the postie.

"Any odd jobs you need me to do while I'm here?

"No? OK, I'll see you tomorrow morning."

Lovely!

Now it's all parcels thrown into your bushes.

I'm bringing back the personal touch

in the bright red van.

Royal Male.

But it was time to decide

who'd really solved the great second-hand delivery-van dilemma.

Pulling up to the state-of-the-art...

Ahe-he-hem!

"You will now tackle a challenging handling circuit,

"delivering packages as you go.

"Fastest to complete their round wins.

"PS - Beware of the dog."

I didn't even listen to the challenge,

I'm just looking at that cat!

For Flintoff and everyone else's benefit, then,

this thorough test of our delivery vehicles

would now see us take turns driving a course

specifically designed to include all the challenges

a busy driver might encounter on a shift.

Y'all right, Jess? "Meow!" Shut up!

Let's deliver!

And as Postman Pad would now demonstrate by going first...

Two, one, go! Oh, Harry!

..those challenges are varied.

HE CHUCKLES

With a handy sat nav directing us to the full range

of typical delivery locations...

In 50 metres, turn left.

..the course begins on tight urban streets.

CLATTERING Oh, my God!

Jesus! Deliveries are everywhere!

And, of course, for a delivery to count...

This is quite nice. He's got to do it properly, hasn't he?

..it must be left in the designated area.

Thank you!

Delivery successful.

I like that. No, he... No, I like that.

Next, the course throws up the dreaded first-floor test...

Bloody hat there!

..a sweaty dash upstairs to really get the blood pumping.

Delivery successful.

Whoo! Go on!

You all right down there, Jess?

He's keen, Pat, in't he?

As well he should be, because it's time for the...

Three addresses, just a few doors apart.

Drop three.

Each one just begging the question - do you drive between them...

Delivery successful.

..or attack them all on foot?

Drop four.

He's dropping them off pro...

He is, he's going to be tired after this.

Lovely stop!

This is like a really weird version of Challenge Anneka.

Last one!

Get on that!

Delivery successful. This is rigorous.

I think he's got them all so far.

With just two drops remaining,

the course heads out of town,

aiming to test our vans' rural capabilities.

Drop six - static caravan. Knackered!

What the BLEEP?! BLEEP!

Oh, that could have done it!

A friggin' banana!

Pulling up at the caravan, no run would be complete

without the always awkward big-screen TV.

One plasma, coming up!

That's in the box. That's neat and tidy.

And with this textbook run now drawing to a close,

all that remains is the final drop...

Come on!

..complete with every delivery driver's worst nightmare.

Drop seven.

Warning - untethered animal loose on premises.

Where's that bloody dog?

Bloody hell! The weight of it!

Here he goes, here he goes. Go on, Pat!

Hats on, hats on. Oh, he's having a go.

He's got Jess the cat with him. He's moving quite well there.

Now, it's worth mentioning

that any missed deliveries earn a 20-second time penalty.

CHRIS AND FREDDIE LAUGH Delivery successful.

But that was of no concern to Postman Pad.

Save yourself, Jess!

Oh, he's gone! He's straight down!

With a clean sweep of drops,

McGuinness had posted a very respectable time

of five minutes, 51 seconds.

Royal Male, son!

We always deliver!

A time that I would now aim to beat in the Transit.

OK, Purple Member!

Three, two, one, go!

Oh! Whoa!

Hope there's no glassware in there.

Drop number one.

Rear-wheel drive, that's where he's got the advantage, you see!

But where he didn't have the advantage...

In we go! Delivery successful.

..was when the going got tight.

Oh. That's two, three...

The Transit is a bit bigger than theirs.

There we go! Oh, he's hit the house! Four!

Feel your way really way into it, Chris.

Oh, he's hit it... Oh!

Six-point turn.

And as for the first-floor test...

Two!

..that wasn't much to look at either.

Oh! He's not got it on!

He's not throwing it... Oh, he's gone!

He's attempting it, though. Now I reckon you could place that.

You reckon? I reckon you could just give it one of them.

Delivery successful.

How's he going to get out? He's going to reverse it.

The Transit's great... going over kerbs.

No, you can't do that, that'd be a letter to t'company.

Where the old Purple Sector delivery really dropped the ball, though,

was in the multi-drop zone.

Oh, he missed, he's in next door's drive!

Delivery unsuccessful - 20-second penalty.

Oh, he's trying lobbing it.

Bollocks! Delivery unsuccessful.

A bit of a mess. He's having an absolute nightmare.

Drop five.

BLEEP! Delivery unsuccessful. Oh, he's missed another!

With the clock ticking away, Harris bounced out into the countryside...

..hoping to redeem himself with the flat-screen telly drop.

Now, you don't want this dropping on the floor by your delivery driver.

This is your plasma. You've saved up for this.

4K, the lot.

Oh, my God, look at that! Oh, no!

Delivery successful.

I'm blowing now!

To round off this delivery disaster...

..it was just a case of waiting for our canine friend...

Where's the dog? ..to put him...

Where's the dog? ..out of his misery.

Where's the dog?

Has he got his shoelaces tied together?!

He's literally running like he's pooed himself!

Don't think about the dog, Chris.

Delivery successful. Oh, oh...

Oh, he's terrified!

Come on, Chris! Come on, Harris!

Ouch!

Oh! Oh...!

Oh...!

Oh, Jesus!

Do you want a Bo...? Would you like a Bonio? Bonio?

What we've got here from Chris Harris

is a second-class delivery.

How about... How about a steak?!

OK, with three missed deliveries,

resulting in a seven minute, 26 second run,

it'd be fair to say I hadn't gone purple in every sector.

So with Paddy and his Caddy still the team to beat,

could FredEx and his sporty Astra deliver the goods?

Now, remember, that is a plasma.

The way it's ratchet-strapped to the roof, it's now three plasmas.

Are you ready?! Yeah!

FredEx - three, two, one, deliver!

Go on, Fred! FredEx! Wahey!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, now, this is it. Here we go. Is he going to give it some?

Oh, it's tight, blooming hell, look at this street!

Some dodgy parking round here!

Oh, he's hit the house! He's just driven straight into a house.

Where's my parcel?! Where's the numbers?!

One!

BUZZER Shouldn't leave his name and number?

A nervy start from the boy racer.

But let's be honest, the next drop...

I'm not going up there!

..was right up his street.

Oh, he's on the roof!

Delivery successful.

He's got it in the box, though, what a swine!

Oh, yes - at FredEx, speed is everything.

Oh! Blooming hell, there's something in the back didn't like that!

And with two drops done already...

Six.

..next up was a multi-drop masterclass.

Now he's got the arm. Oh!

Four!

Oh, he's got that in as well. Delivery!

That's in as well! Delivery successful.

Delivery!

That'll do! Delivery unsuccessful.

He hasn't got that one in as well, has he?

He hadn't.

But sprinting out of town...

Oh!

Oh. Looks like a rough ride.

I'm going to get the ratchet off.

..Flintoff was soon dispatching the big screen TV

with the now customary FredEx touch...

Oh, my God!

Delivery successful. It's in the box.

What was that?

..and pulling up to the final drop

with a couple of penalties against him...

Drop eight... One minute. Ratchet straps.

..stealing the delivery driver top spot

would need every ounce of that trademark FredEx pace.

Delivery successful.

Look at his face.

I've got this.

I've got it!

Oh, no!

Oh. All right, you win! You win!

CHRIS LAUGHS

Look, you win.

Good boy.

Good boy.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

I'm not happy about this. No, I'm not happy about this.

No, I'm not.

He's had a 'mare.

He's had a 'mare.

So...

..I know the question on everyone's lips...

Have we totally lost our minds?

Not that, no.

Who takes the delivery driver bragging rights?

Did FredEx manage to beat Postman Pad?

Well, I've got the results here, folks.

Now... Oh.

..we can forget Purple Sector. You had a nightmare,

you're out the running. We know that.

It's down to me and you, Fred. Right. I've got the times here.

I managed 5 minutes, 51 seconds with no missed drops.

Oh! AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

Fred, you managed 4 minutes, 47 seconds, but... Oh?

..two missed drops.

What does that mean? What does that mean?

Resulting in a time of also 5 minutes...

..27 seconds.

FredEx delivers!

Thank you. Thank you, Pad.

Thank you, postman.

Thank you. Sorry. Stop it. It's fine. It's fine.

This is absolutely outrageous.

Half your packages were destroyed.

Exactly. Only half.

Big delivery companies could learn

a thing or two from my care and attention.

So, what have we learned here?

If you want a cheap van to deliver very small packages and you're not

too fussed if they get there in one piece, get yourself an Astra.

And the most important lesson.

Taxidermy cats.

Utterly terrifying. Stuff of nightmares.

Whoa! Horrendous.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't you ever, ever speak about Jess like that!

Oh! That's not right.

That is not right.

She has got feelings.

Oh, I don't... Urgh.

Go on, Jess. Run free.

Oh! THEY LAUGH

Anyhow, we've got to move on to something a little less weird,

because to end this series,

we're taking on our biggest challenge to date.

We're going to give you some advice that's actually useful

in the real world. Easy, Pad. Don't scare the horses.

Chris, take it away.

Family cars. There's hundreds out there to choose from,

but if you're in the market for a new one,

how do you even start to make a choice?

Well, fear ye not, because Top Gear is here to help.

Nowadays when it comes to family cars,

the range of options out there is, frankly...

..baffling.

From your practical battery-powered spaceships like the Kia EV6...

Here we go.

..to 7-seat Dacia people carriers

that cost less than your average supermini.

All this room for 16 grand!

I mean, crikey, there are even estate cars like this Alpina B3

solely designed for families

that prefer to arrive sideways.

There she goes. Oh-ho-ho!

It just brings out your inner child.

The point is, there are now more to choose from than ever before.

So, with the producers helping to gather a 50-strong assortment

of the newest, most interesting

and best selling examples on the market...

That's a lot of family cars.

..our job is to find you...

..the best of the lot.

Suits you, sir.

Oh, look at this.

Family cars for every taste, every occasion.

I was going to say, there's a bit of a mixed bag, isn't there?

It is, isn't it? I'm going to go for a rootle. A rootle? Oh, I like that.

Right, where we going here? Where we going?

I've seen where I'm going straight away.

I've had a couple of these over the years.

Not the cheapest of things.

But I'll tell you what, loads of space,

loads of room in the back, you can throw all the kids in,

they can kick the seats, they can do what they want -

it's fine. It's a Disco.

Look at this little Peugeot thing here.

Look at that. That's a great looking car.

508 with three yellow lines, which must denote some sportiness.

This is bordering on midlife crisis.

It is. But you get your family in.

I like it. So do I. How much is it?

It's 56 grand. Stop it.

56 grand for a Peugeot?

Right, let's have a look. Where else are we going here? Here we go.

Can we just stop and say how good Kias look at the moment?

I've always been a fan of the Kia.

But these were a joke 15 years ago.

Now they look better than all the German stuff.

Now I'm just speaking for the dads now.

Every dad wants to rock up at school knowing they can absolutely blast

the back doors off anything.

That sounds wrong, but you know what I mean.

And this is what we've got the old M5 comp.

But then you get inside it,

not very practical.

Cup-holders are quite small. Side bins tiny.

Honest family carmaker - Vauxhall.

What's the family, The Borrowers?

Where are you putting a family in that?

Here we go. I mean, just look at the storage in here.

Look, at that!

Come on. This is all you need.

It's massive. It's comfortable.

It is, and I know it's a Volvo, but it does nothing for me.

Ah...

That's what you want.

We've got to do something about this. There's too many cars here.

Where do you go with it? I don't know. Pad?

There's something very reassuring about the knobs on a Volvo.

Just... Don't do that. ..a lovely action on them.

Everything's good in the world. You get in a Volvo, you get out,

you go, "Actually, we're all right."

Right, we've got too many cars here.

We need to find a way of removing some.

We need to get some perspective. OK?

All right. We need to get some height on it. Over there.

Height? Straight to the point. Chris Harris wanting height.

Chris, what are we doing up here?

We're about to do some whittling, not woodwork either.

Right, so the starting point here surely has to be anything over

40 grand has got to go because that's not an affordable family car

that can be used most of the time, is it?

But the price of cars, that's going to be a lot of cars.

Also, 40 grand is when the posh car tax, the premium car tax, comes in.

Cost of living crisis.

Got to think practical. Stand back. Yeah.

Right! Get rid of the 40 grand pluses!

Are you OK? Whoa!

BLEEP

THEY LAUGH

Oh, they're off. Oh, the Taycan's gone!

Oh, right. God, it's an exodus. GLE's gone. Land Rover.

There's the M5, Chris. Wave it goodbye, Chris.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

It's like a giant game of Guess Who? Isn't it?

It is. It is like Guess Who? Just drive off.

But in an important copyright sense, it's quite unlike Guess Who?

If you know what I mean? Yeah, of course, yeah. Yeah. Certainly.

Right, OK. Now, I've got to be honest, I do love a whittle.

You do. You're a whittler? I love a whittle.

Can I have a go at it? Yes. I'm getting into it now. Yes. All right.

Love this.

Honda Jazz. That's gone. On what... What?

What criteria are you using to get rid of the Honda Jazz?

I just hate it. You can't get rid of cars because you hate them.

It's not how it works. Hatred's not a..not a category, hatred?

No. No, it's not. Well, I'll tell you what then.

Real world running costs.

Yes. It's all about the MPG. Yep.

You're a family. Petrol prices, diesel prices,

they're through the roof. We've got to keep them down.

So, I'm looking minimum 50 miles per gallon. What about electric?

Yeah, that's a good point, but... By definition, it has to be

more efficient. Exactly. So anything over 50 MPG and electric can stay.

Yes. Electric's staying? Electric's staying. Got you.

Right, OK? Go on, then.

Anything under 50 miles to the gallon can go.

Oh, oh, oh, they're off.

Oh! The Dacia Jogger's gone! The Jogger's gone! Bye-bye, the Jogger!

Why's the Jogger gone? 50 MPG? Disco's gone...

Disco's a great family car.

Oh, oh! Another Honda gone.

That's a surprise. So, the Jazz has stayed,

but that Honda, the CRV's gone. You can't got rid of that Jazz, Pad.

Wrong...wrong Honda! Wrong...

Oh! I want that Berlingo gone.

But I think it's staying. Yeah.

The Berlingo's going to be here for the whole day.

You reckon? Yeah.

That is some very strong culling.

But now over to Fred. What is your whittle?

Now, I need space. Not just for myself. Yep.

Kids, cricket bags. I need boot space.

I'm going to say anything under 500 litres boot space is off.

That is a harsh cull.

Anything under 500 litres boot space,

hit the road, Jack.

Come on, Jazz. Yes! It's gone.

Get out of here! Where are they all going?

Wow.

Oh, dear me.

You have decimated the field there, Andrew.

When I whittle, Chris, it stays whittled.

Complete carnage. Tell you what, science has spoken, gentlemen.

We're not left with much.

What we are left with, though, are nine very tidy options.

From the ever-popular Nissan Qashqai...

..to the clue's in the title Skoda Superb.

Or even the much harder to love Citroen Berlingo.

These are all cars with a generous amount of boot space that start at

less than 40 grand and a spec that'll do north of 50 miles

to the gallon.

But we're not done yet.

Because to whittle it down some more, I've come up with a drag race

with a difference.

Why are you so much further forward than me?

Because this, Christopher, is a price handicap.

The cheapest car at the front.

The more expensive the car, the further back you start.

Did you choose the car you're in?

No. This car chose me.

HE LAUGHS

Yes. In a surprise to us all,

Flintoff had come up with a rather elegant way of testing

which of our nine remaining cars represent the best balance

of price and performance.

A half mile drag race, where the most expensive contender is tested,

the Skoda Enyaq EV, would start at the back.

The rest of the field then receiving a ten-metre head start

for every £1,000 cheaper they cost.

Last three to cross the line are eliminated.

ENGINE REVS

Three, two, one, go.

Whoa!

There we go. The car is off!

Go on the Hyundai!

Bye-bye, Superb!

I'll be screaming past.

Go, I've nothing happening!

On the Skoda.

So I'm going backwards here. This is just a day out.

Paddy's gone. There's Flintoff!

HE LAUGHS

Wowzers!

This thing flies!

Oh, the Berlingo! That is embarrassing.

I've been passed by a Berlingo and Harris,

on the outside in the Skoda!

We've done the Renault.

Go on round the line, don't let him catch you!

Don't let him catch you! Go on!

Third, we'll take third.

Not last.

I started at the front, I'm last.

A nice victory there for the Tucson.

This thing's got some heart, I'm telling you.

I've got to say, the car just doesn't go.

By the time we get lads to cricket in this,

they'd have played ten overs.

So the bang for your buck drag race had eliminated the electric

Skoda Enyaq,

the Volkswagen Tiguan Allspace,

and the Renault Arkana.

Now we needed to get six down to three, and with the pack so tightly

matched, the only way to do that was by unleashing...

Hi, lads.

..the motoring journalist.

Oh, God, he's got clipboards. He's got three of them.

Let's get down to the nitty-gritty of car testing.

This is the real stuff. Right.

OK. Clipboard each.

Thank you.

Always leave the pen under there with the nib at the bottom.

Oh, God. For better access.

Git. Right. Here we go. Legroom. Ooh. Oh.

I'd say... I need legroom. We've got the perfect dummy for this.

Yes. OK? I'd say standard legroom test should be... A dummy?

..a Flintoff sitting behind a Flintoff.

I like that. OK. I like that. OK.

The Skoda superb is known to be a leader in this field.

Ooh.

I don't like the way you're holding that.

That is too low.

I want it here and I want it here.

That's where I go. Right, now, out you come, Mr Flintoff, please.

In the back now.

OK, not every family comes from the Flintoff end of the gene pool.

Kids, six foot four, six foot three.

But we all know legroom is key to a happy backseat.

Are you comfortable? Tell you what. That's not bad, that.

That's all right, that. That is dead impressive, Andrew.

Do you know what? Even headroom's fine.

I'll give him that. Four points.

And you'd be surprised how often the posher badges trade this crucial

detail for sleeker styling.

I'm... I can't get in.

Come on, get in. I can't, look.

Let it go. Right.

How far could you travel like that?

I don't want to travel anywhere like this. Yeah, OK.

There's no headroom, no legroom.

That's not really working, is it?

No chance. Not a chance.

Next on Harris's clipboard of truth was that great leveller,

Isofix child seats.

Let's choose this little Skoda here. The Octavia.

I'm on my fourth kid with these. It's great. You're in.

I'm in. That's the easiest one I've ever put in. Is it?

Oh, let's get a five on that. Seriously, bar none.

Get a five on that.

Do you want us to pop one of them in the driving seat

for future challenges?

There's no need for that at all. Right. Next car.

With the Octavia taking the Isofix top spot,

second place went to the mercurial Audi Q3 Sportback.

I'm straight in there.

I'm already at the McDonald's drive thru buying a kids meal right now.

My children are so happy.

And rounding out the top three, our drag race winner,

the Hyundai Tucson.

Here it is. Go on, then.

There she goes.

Closing in on the big decision, Harris had one more trick

up his clipboard to get us over the line.

This is arguably the most important test of the lot, starting

with the Qashqai.

OK, you're in a car park.

You try and get your mobile phone out of your pocket and you drop

it between seat and centre console. Annoying, that.

You now have to show us how easy or difficult

it is to retrieve that phone.

This is critical to all car purchases. Ready?

Three, two, one, and go, Andy.

Show us what you can do.

Retrieved. That's incredible.

For a hand that size in a car like this,

I think that's superb.

Oh, look at this. Are you ready, Chris? Yeah, let's go.

Easy. I've got to say the Berlingo's a five.

It's a five. On the strength of that, would you buy a Berlingo? Yes.

Here we go. Ready? Are you ready? Are you ready? Yeah.

Oh! Oh! You've done me there.

I'm hurting my fingers.

Oh, my God. No!

Oh, it's a nightmare. It's a nightmare!

Oh, knuckles! It's a one. That's a one.

Zero. Zero. Mark it down. Paddy, you can keep the phone.

I can't even get my hand back... Is that in there?

Chaps, science is over. Mm.

OK, we've now got to whittle down to the final three.

Are we in agreement that the Hyundai is in the top three for all of us?

Yes. Yes. So that goes through. Done.

The Skoda Octavia is in my top three. Is it in yours?

Yes. Is it in yours?

Yes. We are agr... This is fantastic!

This is what happens... I think we're going to struggle now.

We've got a Skoda in already, so we don't need two.

Can I throw a curveball in? OK. Berlingo. Hear me out, hear me out.

It's the only car we've got that's full EV.

That's important. That's important.

The phone test, five out of five.

These are the ones where, when you're in a car with the kids,

them are the problems you have.

That is a strong argument.

I'll give you the practicality... Loads of boot space.

Yeah. ..all over it. Yeah.

Also, we've not mentioned this. Sliding door. Wonderful. Practical.

I know. OK, I'm going to go with McGuinness.

The Berlingo stays in.

It's the quirky choice. Right.

Yeah? Yeah. So we've got 'em. We've got our three.

Science.

Science.

Now, that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you use a clipboard.

Because whether it's the perfectly practical

diesel Skoda Octavia Estate,

the really rather handsome hybrid, Hyundai Tucson,

or the staggeringly spacious Citroen e-Berlingo,

pick one of these for your next family car,

and you won't be disappointed.

But we tasked ourselves with picking a winner.

And to do that, McGuinness reckoned he'd come up with the ideal test.

So the last one - real-world experience.

Life on the road with your family in the car.

That's the next test.

What's that test?

Glad you asked.

It's a classic seat-switch race. We're going to set off from here.

You've got a stopwatch. Start that.

Going to go around to the little box over there.

I'm going to stop in the box

then we're going to swap round in the car,

anti-clockwise.

Me, you, you here.

Then you set off driving all the way back round over the finish line,

stop the watch.

How often does the child come from the back and drive the car?

Every time when Pad's driving. Correct.

It's the easiest way.

You can have a beer then, can't you?

Come on, kids.

Right. Ready?

Three, two, one, go!

Whoa! Whoa!

Let's face it, the very best family journeys are the ones

that are over and done with as fast as possible.

It goes, this thing, doesn't it?!

Yes, it's all right, that.

And to keep the peace along the way, you really need as much room

for everyone as you can get.

TYRES SCREECH Paddy!

Swap! Go! I don't like this at all.

You come back here, you come back here. You're too big

and you tickle people.

Don't do that. Don't do that.

Get me foot! Get me foot!

You've got me foot! Agh!

Oh, my seat belt!

Whoa! Whoa! That's quick!

There she goes.

And that's why, when it comes to finding the ultimate family car...

She's lively. She really is the quickest of the lot.

..you want to be looking out

for that magic place where space meets pace.

Get a bit of dirt there.

Whoa!

I'm a child! I'm a child!

Stop it! Stop it!

Here we go.

Quick!

Stop! Stop!

What's the time? 1.34:16.

Oh! Tell you what, I am mighty impressed by this thing.

At just over a minute and a half to get round, the hybrid Tucson

had laid down a serious benchmark.

The only question now was, could it be beaten by the e-Berlingo...

Three, two, one...

Whoa. Oh, it's flat on.

Flat on. Look at her go.

..or the Octavia?

Go!

Quick off the line. Oh, picks up.

Oh, it's a roller, isn't it?

Oh... It's anything but a Roller!

Oh, oh. Oh! Use all the track.

Right over, get you a little nibble there.

Get her out there. Get her out there.

Right, now, can you stop in the box?

Like it. We can walk round this car.

I'm not sure about this. We're about to get intimate. Oh.

Oh, you missed it! Through the box, you idiot!

MUSIC: Flower Duet

I'm going to come back to you.

I'm going to come back to you. Look at that.

Paddy, I'll just move over.

There we go, Pad.

That is just quality.

Here we go. That is lovely. Mais oui, mais oui!

That's a demonstration of the Berlingo's real talent.

You go first, you go first.

I'll move over.

LAUGHTER

Get off! Come on, son!

LAUGHTER No, no, no! No!

Oh, me undies have gone! Oh, me feet have gone!

HORN BLARES

No, look! Look at me undies!

You don't do that to your kids.

We're off!

After a VERY revealing seat swap...

I'm not even bothered now. I've got me pants round me ankles.

Look where my pants are!

..it was now just a short sprint to the line...

Come on. Berlingo, go, go!

..to discover which of our finalists would take family car glory.

Phew. Ugh...

He is flesh on that seat.

And with a time of 1 minute 41,

and just over 2 minutes respectively,

neither the palatial but ponderous e-Berlingo

nor the speedy but snug Octavia estate had quite done enough

to knock the perfectly pitched Tucson hybrid off the top spot.

Which meant, after what can only be described as a pretty

rigorous day's testing...

Look at these! LAUGHTER

No, it's not funny.

..in the end, there could be only one conclusion...

That Hyundai is the best car.

Yeah, that's what science says.

You wouldn't have anything else for that money with those criteria.

Yeah. Is that how you did it on Autocar?

Not quite, no.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING That's a very good car.

No complaints. No complaints. I'll admit, a wrestling match

in the back of a Hyundai, it's not the most conventional way

to decide between a bunch of family cars,

but I think we all agree on this one. We actually came up

with the right answer.

The car we'd recommend is the Hyundai Tucson.

Fantastic. I tell you what,

we may be mavericks, but we get results. You're right.

It's a very good car. And it's further evidence that Hyundai are

smashing it at the moment, making proper hot hatches,

interesting electric cars, worthy family cars. They are on a roll.

Well, what a way to sign off, because that's the end of the show

and the series.

ALL: Awwww!

But we'll see you all next year.

CHEERING

Thanks so much for watching.

Goodnight and Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.