Original subtitles

- ♪ Blow it up, blow it up ♪

♪ I jump on that ♪

♪ I go so high ♪

- Okay, so spring is officially upon us,

and I have a very important question.

Can I pull off a bucket hat?

- No. - Absolutely not.

- Yeah, you look like a sad penis.

- Okay, got my answer.

- So my ex, Alicia, texted me and asked to meet up,

but you know, things have been going really well with Tatum,

and I don't wanna mess it up, so...

what do you think I should do?

Hello? What?

- Nothing. It's just,

you never ask us for dating advice.

- We talk like this all the time.

- Right. "We" do, but you don't.

This is weird.

- Are you sick? - I'm fine.

I just--I wanted to know what you guys think.

- Someone else go first. I'm too nervous.

- I think you should bring it up with Tatum

and see how she reacts.

If you care about her,

you shouldn't see Alicia behind her back.

Was that okay? - Yeah, that's smart.

I'll do that.

- Oh, thank God.

- Whitney?

Hey.

- Hey, you good?

I thought you had class right now.

- We're going on a date tonight,

if that's cool with you.

- You walked all the way over here to tell me

we're going on a date?

- Yeah, keep up.

- [laughs] - Okay.

And where is it exactly

we'd be going on this date?

- A restaurant, somewhere with good Yelp reviews.

I don't know. I'll figure that out later.

Could you please just answer?

- Jeez. Okay. Yes, fine.

- Great.

- Wow.

Is his confidence working for anyone else?

Because it's really working for me.

- Yes. - I'm into it.

- Yeah. - His BDE was off the charts.

- You know who I've always thought has BDE?

Aladdin.

- Huh.

Whitney, does BDE really correlate to a BD,

or is the E a separate thing without the D being B?

- What? - It was an important question,

so I will ask again--

- ♪ All eyes on me in the club ♪

♪ See them all looking at me ♪

♪ Feening to touch ♪

♪ Top dollar lady ♪

[classical piano waltz]

- Ugh, we need to switch up the playlist.

The music in here is stale as hell.

- Get cultured, Lila.

Chopin was the Pitbull of his day, okay?

- Guys, I was doing a word scramble

in the school newspaper, and guess

who I saw an article about.

Canaan!

- Oh, my God.

- Dammit, they used

my high school graduation picture?

- You look good.

You look like Michael B. Jordan,

but nerdier.

- They're giving him the economic department's

Young Entrepreneur Award.

- What? You're into business?

Then why the fuck are you so bad at the cash register?

- Okay, you know what? It's not that big of a deal.

I just really don't feel the need

to advertise it to the world.

- Well, I just posted it on my 'gram,

so say that to 49 people.

- Well, I guess it's out there now.

- You're gonna be honored

at the econ department's annual banquet.

That's going to be fancy AF-- fancy and fun.

- No, girl. - Yeah.

Look, I don't even think I'm gonna go.

The last thing I need is a bunch of 90-year-olds

telling me how clean-cut I look.

- Canaan, you have to go.

This is a huge accomplishment,

and you deserve recognition.

- Okay, I'll think about it.

- Oh, my God.

I did not know he was smart like this.

- Have you ever won an award?

- No.

But I stole a Latin Grammy once.

- Oh.

[upbeat music]

- Good work, ladies.

- Lift that leg, Tatum.

Use that pelvic floor or lose it.

- What does that even mean?

- I don't know, but you should work on it.

- Okay, let's take a quick water break, guys.

- Hey, do you think it's weird that we haven't talked

about our past relationships yet?

- I mean, not really.

Weren't you closeted before me?

I don't need to hear about every single dude

named Kyle who you reluctantly kissed

to keep up appearances.

- Okay, well, I only ask

because my ex, Alicia, texted me.

- And?

- And I don't know.

I was just wondering

if you would be cool with me seeing an ex.

- Leighton, of course.

I mean, do I look like a person who gets threatened?

Also, I am tight with literally every single one of my exes,

Brandi included.

- Wait. You dated our instructor?

- I did. And honestly,

sex with her was a lot like a Pilates class:

so much counting. - Hmm.

- My point is, I am totally cool with you seeing an ex.

- Then I will.

- Cool.

- Also, in the spirit of honesty,

I did pay Brandi to go easy on me today.

- You're doing a great job today, Leighton.

Incredible core engagement.

- Oh, thank you. [laughs]

♪ ♪

- Ladies, I have a huge announcement.

- Oh. - Okay.

- "The Foxy's" getting a featured writeup

in "The Essex View."

- Shut up!

- Are you serious? Bela, that is amazing.

- I know. I know. This is gonna put us

on the same level as "The Catullan."

Every alumni and student

reads this magazine. That's like--

God, I'm bad at math,

but like a billion people at least.

- Oh, my God. What caught their attention?

Was it my frequent use of all caps?

- Y-yeah.

Anyway, they're sending a reporter to our next meeting

to take photos and stuff.

- We should all wear matching T-shirts

with our respective nicknames on them.

- We have nicknames? - Yeah.

I've just been waiting for an opportunity

to use them.

Belly Button, Joe Cool...

- No, thank you. - Spanky...

- Oh, I like that. - Marbles.

- No. No. Dear God, no.

I will be curating everything for this piece, okay?

We cannot waste this opportunity.

Everybody needs to take us seriously after this.

- Yeah. And on that note,

everybody please Slack me your T-shirt sizes

by 6:00 a.m. tomorrow. - No.

No matching shirts.

Everyone come in looking your absolute best.

- Okay, Taco Bela.

Just came up with that one. It's so good.

[electronic music]

♪ ♪

- This place has over 2,000 reviews on Yelp

and a 4 1/2-star average rating.

It's a culinary unicorn.

- Wow.

Those statistics sound delicious.

- I'll start you two off with some waters

and give you a minute to look over the menu.

- Actually, I looked online, so we're ready.

I'll have the Kobe beef medallions.

- Oh, I guess--I guess

we're just immediately ordering.

Yeah, I will do the Caesar salad.

I didn't find it yet, but I'm sure you have one.

- I'd skip the salad if I were you.

A number of reviewers called the croutons

"forgettable," so...

- I will take my chances.

- Sorry to "salad-splain." I just wanna make sure

everything about this night goes perfectly.

- Yeah. I get that.

But you know, you can relax.

- Oh, I'm totally relaxed.

- So, do you have any siblings?

- Yes, I do.

- Cool.

- Excuse me, I never do this,

but could I send this water back?

- Of course. - It had

kind of a weird smell to it.

- No problem.

- [singing in French]

♪ ♪

- Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?

- Yes, please. I need a break.

Lila's making me stack these cups to be exactly 5'11"

so that she'll know how tall men are when they come in.

- Right. Well... - Mm-hmm.

- I thought about what you said, and you're right.

So I'm gonna go to the econ banquet.

- [gasps] That's great.

Accepting an award in person is the right thing to do.

Unless it's the Oscars and you're a British actor

who can't make the trip. Then I get it.

- Okay.

Would you want to come with?

- Oh, my God.

I'd be honored to be there and support you.

I'm so touched you thought of me.

- It's not that deep.

I asked Zoe,

but she's busy, so...

- Okay, well, no matter.

I'm still really freaking pumped.

I don't own any formal gloves.

But judging from the look you're giving me,

I won't need them.

- ♪ We ferocious ♪

[heavy party music]

- The cactus looks like a penis.

I just think it sends the wrong message

for a women's center.

- One, that's exclusionary territory,

and two, succulents are inherently feminist.

They thrive in environments that are trying to kill them.

Also, I spent $20 on this, and we're not throwing it away.

- Can we just get an orchid to help balance it out?

- You know what? I'm gonna say it.

Orchids remind me of penises, too.

- I think it's interesting

that you guys can see genitals

in literally everything around you.

- Leighton! Consent to hug?

- Consent. - Oh.

- Hi. - My tarot cards told me

you'd be coming back.

- Oh.

- Hi, stranger. How's it going?

- Uh, good, good. How are you?

- I'm good. I've been really busy

you know, studying, speaking truth to power,

building a little library outside the Women's Center.

It's a squirrel toilet now.

- Oh. [laughs] So what's up?

Why'd you ask me to come here?

- Oh, no real reason.

I thought it'd be nice to catch up.

- Hmm.

- But since you're here, do you want

to help us put together care packages

for struggling trans youth?

- So you invited me here for free physical labor then?

- Yes. - Yeah.

- Yeah, but, you know, it shouldn't take too long

because we only have, like, 1,200 left, so...

- Okay. - Okay.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- I missed it here.

Also, is it just me,

or has it gotten dirtier?

- We've switched to using

environmentally-friendly cleaning products.

They don't work.

- Oh. - Oh.

- So I heard you came out

in, like, a really prolific way.

- Who told you?

- Oh, you know, just several of my friends

who you hooked up with. - Same here.

- Both my friends told me.

- Well, I'm glad that I could provide

some entertainment for you guys while I was away.

Also, I am very impressed with these care packages.

This fruit leather is expensive.

- Yeah, because these kids deserve the good stuff.

But, dude, it's not cheap.

I mean, financially, we're barely hanging in there.

- Which is why we're throwing a fundraiser tomorrow.

- It's a costume party where we are all dressing up

as queer icons.

I'm either going as Rachel Maddow

or the green M&M.

- I know you hate that stuff, but...

you should come if you want.

- Sure. I'll go.

Oh, can I bring a guest?

I've sort of been seeing someone.

- And you're going out in public with her?

You've changed, Murray.

- Well, you are making funny jokes today,

so I guess we've both changed.

[both chuckle]

- You should bring your new girl.

I'll be really excited to meet her.

- Cool.

- ♪ Going in from the trunk on that ass ♪

♪ I'll be rubbing up his inseam warm really fast ♪

- I'm so glad we're finally doing a clothing swap.

I'm so sick of all the dumb clothes

I brought to Essex.

- Anyone feel free to take the dress I wore

on my date with Andrew. Shit's cursed.

- Oh, how was it?

- Very bad and awkward.

It's like we suddenly had no chemistry at all,

which is weird because the sex is so good.

- Yeah, maybe you ruined it by going on a date.

You know, some things are just better casual.

- If you're had a bad time, he probably did too.

I'm sure he's on board to go back to the way things were.

- Right, but how do I backslide into casual sex

after we've been on a date?

- Eh, just pretend it never happened.

If he brings it up, change the subject

or just start kissing him. - So you're saying

I should straight-up gaslight his ass?

- I like that idea. [all laugh]

- This dress is perfect

for my photoshoot with "The Foxy."

It'll make my breasts look really smart.

- Oh, does anyone have something formal?

I need something to wear to an econ banquet.

Canaan is getting an award, and I'm going with him.

- Wait. Really?

- As a friend, of course.

Whitney, you don't mind, right?

- Oh, yeah, of course. Totally cool with it.

- But is Jackson okay with that?

- Oh, yeah, Hawkeyes don't get jealous like normals.

- You know, I might have something for you.

Here.

- Oh, wow, this is perfect. - Aw.

- It's cute. - Yeah.

- Oh, Leighton, do you have shoes

that also match this dress that I'm taking from you?

- You know, I am starting to suspect

that the reason that you guys wanted to do

this clothing swap was so that you could take

my objectively nicer and more expensive clothing.

- What? - No.

- We did plan that, yes.

[upbeat music]

- ♪ That's the smartest thing to do ♪

♪ ♪

- I'm actually really excited to show you this.

Over here we have "The Foxy's" temporary headquarters.

- Got it. Where are you moving to?

- Oh, well, we're... choosing between a bunch

of really beautiful and big office spaces.

But we haven't decided on one yet.

- Nice. - Yes, exactly what she said.

We have a lot of options.

Like, too many, honestly.

- Okay. So tell me...

what's it like going up against a male-dominated

institution like "The Catullan"?

- Well, I've never even heard of "The Catullan"

until I joined.

And I don't care about those limp-dick idiots.

And you can directly quote me, Lila Flores.

- Well, we don't want to define ourselves

against another school magazine.

What we'd really rather talk about

is some of the exciting work we're doing

as a groundbreaking new organization.

- I would love to hear more about that.

- Oh, I'll take that one.

A lot of people don't know this,

but most of our best writing is in T-shirt form.

- Well, I think what Carla is hinting at is well, that--

well, I think comedy has historically been

a dude's game.

People celebrate men for being ridiculous.

But when women do it, we're labeled as crazy

or shrill or unappealing.

We just want to show that we can not only be funny

in the same way as guys are, but funnier,

because unlike male comedy, we actually have

something new to say.

- Hey. That was beautiful.

- Yeah, I love that.

- Amanda Gorman here.

- How about we take a few pictures?

- Oh, finally.

Oh, my God.

- Who wants to do Charlie's Angels with me?

- You know what would be a really great pose?

You standing directly behind me.

- Oh. - Ready? 6, 7, 8.

- ♪ On the cellie, get you with my selfie ♪

- And the weird thing is, he was right.

Totally forgettable croutons.

- All croutons are forgettable.

- Threes.

- Ay oh, bio bro's got hops.

I see why you're dating him now.

- We are not dating.

- Well, he's kind of hot.

Sorry I called him a human filing cabinet.

- Whit, what's up?

- Stay with me, please. - Hell no.

He didn't say my name. - Mm...

Hey.

Wow, you in athletic shorts--

that's not something I ever thought I'd see.

- Yeah, take this in. Remember it.

So I had fun on our date last night.

We should do it again.

- Yeah, we can talk about that later,

but first, you need to witness me on this court.

Yeah.

- You know playing soccer doesn't make you

automatically good at every sport, right?

- Oh, I bet you couldn't take me one on one.

- Okay, I was voted MVP on my junior varsity team

three years in a row.

- Really? Wow.

They do MVP on JV teams?

That's adorable.

- Okay, let's do this.

Actually, you know what? Shoot it, yeah.

- Oh, just take it? - 100%.

Yeah, I don't believe in that. - Oh, okay.

- It's not--it's not going in.

- That's fair. That's fine. Yeah.

Ooh. Bet you believe in it now, huh?

[upbeat music]

Yeah.

Ah!

♪ ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪

- Oh-ho-ho!

- ♪ Pick it up, pick it up ♪

- Whoops! Oh, sorry!

- Oh, she really...

- ♪ And 19 no skill can measure ♪

♪ Oh, baby, that's precious ♪

♪ Oh, baby, that's precious ♪

♪ Cause it don't get no better ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

- Oh. [laughs]

♪ ♪

- ♪ This one ♪

♪ This one's off the charts ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

[jazz piano music]

♪ ♪

- I've never been to an econ banquet before.

Lots of vests.

♪ ♪

- Hmm. - I'm having fun though.

- Cool. I'm glad.

- Oh, before I forget.

Could I borrow $3? I have to pee,

but I've been avoiding the bathroom

because I don't have cash to tip the attendant.

- You can still go.

- Okay, everybody, get excited.

It's time we gave out some awards.

- [gasps] Ooh. [applause]

- First up is the Marin Koljan Award,

which is awarded once a year

to the student that most embodies

a moral and ethical approach to entrepreneurship.

This year's winner is an incredible student

who, in addition to finishing at the top

of three of my classes... - Wow.

- Also founded a charitable startup

that helps to offset the crippling cost

of Alzheimer's treatments,

an issue that is sadly near and dear to his family.

- Damn, Canaan, for your sake, I hope

you don't have to follow this guy.

- This year's winner is Canaan Greene.

- Wait. That was you?

[applause]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[dance music playing]

♪ ♪

- Hey. Wait, who are you dressed as?

Was Elle Woods queer?

- No, this isn't a costume.

The only time I'd ever consider dressing on theme

is for the Met Gala.

Who are you supposed to be?

- Carol.

From the movie "Carol."

No?

So you have never been here before.

- Not once.

- Okay, well, I am excited

to show you around.

Oh, Ginger, Tova, you guys look great.

- Thank you.

- This is Tatum.

- I'm not dressed up.

- Well, Tova, I am obsessed with your Mr. Peanut costume.

- I'm not dressed like a peanut.

I'm Marlene Dietrich

- That--that is my bad. The hat threw me off.

- Told you. M&M, peanut.

Food groups, people think food groups.

- Maybe try a German accent.

- Hey, Carol, hold me closer, tall blond dancers.

- Okay, Elton.

- Yeah, you know, a little known fact:

the L in Elton actually stands for lesbian.

- Ah. Well, Alicia, this is Tatum.

And, Tatum, this is Alicia.

- Oh, it is so nice to meet you.

Just so you know, I usually wear

way bigger sunglasses than this.

- Fun party.

I love all the rainbows.

So on the nose.

- Thank you.

You know, Leighton actually had this great idea

to have a silent auction to help us raise money.

So please, feel free to buy something or everything.

- Well, we will take a look.

- We're gonna announce all the winners at 10:00.

- Oh, we'll be long gone by then.

Or maybe we'll still be here.

- Let's go get a drink.

We will see you around?

- Of course.

All right, have fun, guys.

[softly] Wow.

- ♪ I will never be what you need of me ♪

- Jess is never on campus, so it's gonna to be impossible.

[knocking] Oh, hey, Bela.

Thanks for coming by on such short notice.

I just want to get your eyes on the "Foxy" profile

before we went to press,

see if you have any corrections.

- Yeah, of course. And if I see any mistakes,

should I just yell "Stop the presses" or...

- Yeah, please don't yell that.

Here it is.

- Whoa.

- Yeah, I think it's my finest work

since I ranked all the murals on campus

by how racist they are.

- No, I mean, this looks more like a profile of me

than "The Foxy" as a whole.

- Yeah, I tried to spread it around,

but your quotes were funnier and more passionate.

You were also the loudest,

which may have factored into things.

- I guess I'm just worried that the other editors

might feel a little left out.

- Well, if you want, I can use this group photo instead.

And I can add in a few more quotes from the other girls

to even it out.

- I don't know.

- Whatever you want. Just tell me.

I have to write, like, 20 alumni obituaries,

and there's not that many ways to say

"dead white businessman."

- Let's keep it as it is. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - Great, cool.

Thanks.

- ♪ Ever, ever, ever, ever ♪

[upbeat dance music]

- Hey, thanks again for coming.

- Oh, my gosh, my pleasure.

Thanks for letting me eat your dessert.

- No problem.

It was brutal watching the server tell you

the flowers on the plate weren't edible.

- [laughs]

[soft slow music]

♪ ♪

- Should we--

- Sure.

♪ ♪

- ♪ Cold breath... ♪

- Hey, so why'd you never tell me

about your mom's Alzheimer's?

- Sick parents don't usually come up

casually in conversation. - Really?

I told you about my dad's gout on the first day of work.

- I remember.

Those photos will haunt me forever.

- ♪ So high ♪

♪ So high ♪ - I don't know.

It's not much to tell, really.

She spent most of her time taking care of us,

so it's time for us to take care of her.

Oh, and her name is Paulette,

and she loves Judge Judy reruns.

Is that what you meant? - Yes.

- Okay.

- Well, if you need anything, ever, I'm here.

- I appreciate that.

- ♪ When it storms ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

[upbeat music playing]

- ♪ I'm just waiting for the... ♪

- Leighton, remember when we said a safe word

to say when we want to leave? - Mm-hmm.

- Well, I potassium need us to get

our potassiums out of here,

or I won't potassium you tonight.

- Hey, sure. I get it.

I just--I think I should bid

on something before we leave.

- It's kind of cute they thought

they could raise money by auctioning off things

that are arguably garbage.

I mean, what is this other than being fucking ugly?

- That's a pinch pot I made in pottery class.

It took me 70 hours.

- Well, I love it so much.

I will not let anyone else have it.

- $200? Wow.

Thanks, Leighton. - Yeah.

- Do you want 10 more that didn't turn out as good?

- Oh, I'll let you know.

- Okay.

- Okay. So I can tell you're mad.

I guess I'm the asshole now?

- Yeah, you are being kind of an asshole.

You don't know Ginger.

She is gonna be unpacking that in therapy

for the rest of her life.

- I am sorry, but this place

smells like a wet thrift shop.

I'm surprised you like it so much.

- Maybe you don't know me as well as you think.

Sure, these people make crafts like child mental patients,

but they are my friends, and I don't like

how judgmental you're being right now.

- This, coming from a person who once bragged

about being more judgmental than me.

- Yep. Well, maybe dating you

has made me realize

that the things we have in common are the things

that I want to change about myself.

- Y'all okay?

- Uh, yeah. I'm good.

I just want to focus on having a good time.

- Oh, you want to have a good time?

- Yep. - Well, get ready

for some karaoke, because I think

that Eleanor Roosevelt and Frida Kahlo

are about to duet on "The Boy is Mine."

- Ah.

- Come on. - Okay.

- ♪ And I'm just waiting for this house to burn down ♪

- Well, that was really fun. - Mm.

- You're welcome to stay. Sorry I only have one pillow.

- Oh, that's okay.

But what are you gonna sleep on?

- I just never would have guessed

that you and I would be together, dating.

I like it.

[softly] Come here.

- Oh, okay.

[soft music]

- Thanks for such a nice evening.

- You actually had a good time at that nerd fest?

- I had a great time.

And I saw you having a good time, too,

so you're the nerd, nerd.

- Oh, okay.

- All right, this is me.

Thanks again.

- Yeah.

- Hey? - Yeah.

- Thank you, not just for coming with me,

but for encouraging me to go.

You're a good friend.

- So are you. [laughs]

♪ ♪

- Good night. - Good night.

♪ ♪

- Hey. - Whoa.

They finally cast a Black James Bond.

- It's about damn time.

[both laugh]

- Oh, congrats, by the way.

Kimberly told me.

It was pretty awesome.

- It's no big deal.

- No, it is a big deal.

I'm proud of you.

- I appreciate you.

Where are you coming from?

- Oh, just studying at Willow's.

I should probably get home.

- Okay.

Good night.

- Yeah.

- ♪ I always talk about doom and gloom ♪

♪ But maybe there's a silver lining ♪

♪ To my jet black attitude ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ But lately I've been losing sleep ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ But if you're coming over... ♪

♪ We're staying up ♪

- Hey.

How was tonight?

- I think we should break up.

- W-what?

[GRAE's "Grenade" playing]

- ♪ Yeah, you say you've always got me ♪

♪ That you'll never go and turn your back ♪

♪ Maybe you're the silver lining ♪

♪ The cure to my heart attack ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Lately, I've been feeling like a mess ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ But if you're coming over ♪

♪ We're staying up late ♪

♪ never leaving this bed ♪

♪ You're keeping me safe, covers over my head ♪

♪ If I'm a grenade, I guess you're my pin ♪

♪ Holding me together till it all blows up ♪

♪ Till it all caves in ♪

♪ ♪

♪ If I'm a grenade, I guess you're my pin ♪

♪ Holding it together till it all blows up ♪

♪ Till it all caves in ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Till it all blows up, till it all caves in ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Till it all caves in ♪

- Go to bed.

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