Original subtitles

Oh, shit!

Don't you run!

Don't you fucking run!

Ah!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Now, where's my fuckin' money?

You think I'm fuckin' around?

No, no, no.

What'd you say?

No, no, yeah.

You told me you would pay me back

when you sold your film.

That's what you said, remember?

Yeah.

You sold the fuckin' thing, so fuckin' pay me.

10,000 by next week, or I'll shoot your fuckin' dog.

Wait, I don't have a dog.

- Cats. - No.

- Hamster. - No.

- Goldfish. - No.

- Your grandma, then. - No, no.

Yeah.

I'll shoot your fuckin' grandma.

Wait, it was 5,000.

Plus the interest, you little shit.

"Fuck you. Pay me."

Do you know that line? That movie?

Good stuff.

You got problems, I don't care.

Fuck you. Pay me!

10,000?

Ten fucking thousand, by next week.

Okay, got it.

And if you,

if you try to ditch me.

Pop, pop!

No more grandma cookies.

You get me?

Yes, I got you.

I got it.

You're a good kid.

Tell grandma I said hello.

- What? - Nothing, nothing.

Well, ho-ho-ho, motherfucker.

You're not gonna wish me a merry Christmas?

Merry Christmas?

Good.

Now get out my face and go get my money.

Hey.

Anything?

Shit, what happened to you?

Marco.

He gave us a card.

Ugh, it's gettin' worse, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, did you call?

Uh, I called.

Sent an email, sent a notarized fuckin' letter.

He's ghosting us.

Not cool, man.

Well, osh, call again.

Ivan, I've called a thousand fucking times.

Lust get the same voicemail over and over again.

"This is Max rampage!

Rampage media.

Largest distributor of horror films

in the entire fucking world."

Blah-blah-blah-blah-blegh.

I think we're screwed, man.

Hey, we owe everyone money.

Casting crew was on deferments.

Even Lauren's mad at me.

That's fucked.

I'm sorry, bro.

We, uh, where were we?

- Money. - Right, money.

Yeah, uh.

Good news.

If we don't start paying off our loans,

they're gonna kick us out of the dorm this month.

Merry Christmas.

Josh, what are we gonna do now, bro?

I don't know.

But I gotta go to work.

You won't have to deliver pizzas forever, bro.

You know, I've made more money delivering pizzas

than I ever did as a filmmaker?

You're a great writer, osh.

Youust need a break.

Yeah, don't we all.

My gosh.

Ugh.

So?

Hold on.

Well?

Hold on.

And?

Looks like we're making a movie.

Oh! Yeah!

Where are we gonna get the money?

School. I know a guy.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

What's his name?

Marco something-or-another.

He wants to fund our movie?

He'll loan us the money, yeah.

Gmm!

I guess we're makin' a movie, man!

Yeah!

Oh, shit!

Fuck!

Hey, Ivan. What's up?

Oh, we'reust makin' a movie.

Oh, cool.

Could we like audition?

Yeah, of course.

- Dude. - Huh?

Oh, yeah.

Uh, mmm-hmm.

- Thanks! - See ya later.

Yeah.

Yeah, you too.

Josh, let's go.

This way. Let's go.

Oh, hi!

Yeah, you can come on in.

You guys are makin' a movie?

I mean, you are, right?

I saw the signs everywhere.

- Yeah. - Yeah, that's us.

Can I help?

Are you an actress?

No.

What about crew?

No.

Maybe. I don't know.

Okay, you got any experience?

I like horror movies.

And I'll work for free.

- You're in. - Awesome.

Wait, you said you like horror movies.

Yeah.

I'must, I'm serious.

I'm asking because we don't have any horror fans

on our crew.

I mean, Ivan here is a, uh, rom-com fan.

He likes to cry himself to sleep at night.

It's true.

I'm a very lonely man.

I still cry when I masturbate.

- I, uh. - Um.

Ignore him, please.

He's, he's an idiot.

I'must asking, you know?

Fan to fan.

Okay, well.

Lately I've been really into Italian retro horror.

You know, like Freda, bavo, bulriva.

Fulci, argento, of course.

But I have to go back to, hmm.

Let's say "no one gets out alive," the 73rd version.

I saw it the first year with my dad at a horror revival

when I was like six, I think?

Yeah, we used to go all the time.

Okay, yeah.

I mean, I can dig it.

It's a little obscure, but uh, yeah.

It was pivotal to the American stalk and slash

type of movies and kind of had that bird

with the crystal plumage vibe, ust a tighter story.

So, yeah.

Yeah, I can agree with that.

Cool, yeah.

What's your name?

Oh, essica.

Well, I'mosh. I'm the writer/director.

And this is Ivan, the uh, the crying masturbator, I guess.

Hey.

Oh, no. I'm good.

Uh.

For the record, I'm ambidextrous.

I, eh.

Anyway, aren't you a little young to be

a film school student?

Aren't you a little old?

Ow.

Josh dropped out of real college to go to film school.

Yeah, and I got the student debt to prove it.

- Mmm, that sucks. - Yeah, it does.

So now what?

Mmm, you wanna help with auditions?

- Yeah, scoot over. - Cool.

No-ho-ho!

Ned, if you stay, he's gonna turn you into meat.

All right, kids.

Are you guys ready for the best hike of your lives?

We got...

This is gonna be the best hike of your life.

We're gonna find all sorts of warm, cuddly animals,

like bears and snakes, and maybe we'll even find

a honey badger.

Sorry, camp wannabe warriors.

Looks like old bungalow bill has eaten

all the hiking snacks.

Uh, line?

No.

Not you!

Don't give up!

He'll, he'll kill you if you stay.

He'll turn you into meat!

Oh, ned!

No, no, no, no, no!

Be my food!

Jarvis, this stew tastes funny,

and not like a clown with a meat cleaver

at midnight kind of funny.

More like when you're drunk aunt tries to French you

at your college graduation.

No, no!

No, no, no!

We got snakes and bears, and uh, honey badgers.

Um, maybe we'll look at some trees.

Uh.

I know!

Let me do that one more time.

Jarvis, this stew tastes funny.

Not like a clown at midnight with a meat cleaver funny,

but more like when your drunk aunt tries to French kiss you

at your college graduation.

It'sust not right, arvis.

It's not right.

Oh, no!

No, no, no.

My god, will!

Where are the kids?

Where are the kids!

Alrighty, kids.

This will be the best hike of your life.

Do you hear?

I'm telling you I know!

Oh, ned!

Is that right?

All right, kids.

We're gonna have the best times of our lives,

and, and there's gonna be hiking,

and, and we're gonna find all kinds of cuddly, uh.

We're going to find all the kinds of cuddly and,

try to find all kinds of, yeah, what?

No.

No.

No.

Ah, I know.

Do you hear what a, wait.

Um, okay, do you wanna keep rollin' or?

No!

You have to go for help.

I'll stay here and fight him off.

No, you can't. He'll kill you.

It doesn't matter if I die,

as long as you live, my love.

Now go!

Scene.

So you do a lot of theater, do ya?

Correct.

That was really good.

What? It was good.

Okay.

Thanks for comin' in today.

Evan.

You know, like even, but with an a.

Right. With an a.

Got it. Thanks.

And I'm Ivan, with an I.

So like Evan with an I.

Evan, Ivan, dude!

We're like brothers!

Sure.

So did I get the part?

I think... uh, yeah, uh, um.

We'll be in touch.

Rude.

What the heck was that for? Geez.

Oh, well, you can't do that with everyone

who walks through the door.

He's not everyone.

He's special, I'm telling you.

Yeah, with the a part.

What the hell is that part?

- Yeah, yeah. - A? Ivan?

Even with an?

I don't know if wanna be stuck with that guy.

Cool.

Wow. I gotta follow that?

Oh, hey! Hi, hi!

Uh, you made it.

Yes, I did.

Uh, hi.

My name's Lauren Moore,

and today I'm gonna audition for the role of,

uh, Alice black, the lead in the movie "slash camp,"

which great title, by the way.

Did you come up with it?

Yup.

Yeah, that was me.

It's hot.

It's not. It's...

You know what?

Cool. Let's see you audition.

Oh.

Um.

Can I ask you a question?

Of course, ned. What is it?

Well, don't be scared.

You can ask me anything.

Do you like me?

Yes or no?

Oh.

Oh, ned!

I can't answer this.

But why?

Because.

I don't have a pencil.

Cut.

Do you need me to do it again?

Is there? Anything, anything you want.

No, no, that was, that was great.

We're making a fucking movie.

This is gonna be so fucking awesome.

Hey, uh, can we get some more steam

on these entrails here?

All right, people.

Let's get some smoke on these guts!

Be my food!

Cut!

Hey, man. How's the movie comin'?

Oh, all right.

Good talk, good talk.

All right, will. Where are the kids?

Where are?

Hi, Ivan. How's it goin'?

You get the movie done yet?

Come on.

Hey, yo, Ivan.

Is the movie ready yet?

What the fuck, bro?

Come on!

We've been waitin' all damn day.

Hurry up!

Oh, wait. Hey.

How's it goin'?

Ivan.

"Queen 3" is far superior to "blood bank 2."

"Blood bank 2" is crap.

They didn't even bring back electra count,

the main vampire.

She owned that film.

Heck, she is that franchise.

Ugh, and Carmen Carlisle freaking slayed in that role.

Le-gend.

Okay, all right.

Look, I like the electra count character

just as much as anyone else, totally.

You gotta understand that they were trying

to do something new with the franchise.

They were trying to move the franchise

in a different direction.

Introduce some players and create a whole new

cinematic universe.

Yeah, all right. I can see that.

But they still needed to keep electra in it.

Even if it was a small part, they could've used her

to connect the horror universe.

And they corrected that in part three,

which is why it's superior.

Fine.

All right, part three's slightly better.

I know it is.

Lauren.

Jessica.

Lauren.

Josh.

Uh, essica.

- Osh. - Ess-

- Can you guys not?

What's up, bro?

It's done.

Whoa, are you serious?

- No fucking way. - Oh my gosh!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Listen.

You gotta be quiet.

I want quiet in here.

No talking and everybody can enjoy the video, ayit?

Oh, no.

And if you take a look around, kids,

you might be lucky enough to find some poison Ivy.

Or, oh, I know!

Everybody's favorite itchy bad guy: Poison oak!

Bungalow bill, are you eating all the hiking snacks?

Sorry. Sorry, camp wannabe warriors.

Looks like bungalow bill has eaten all of our hiking snacks.

Kids?

My god, bill!

Where are the kids?

No!

Don't be scared.

You can ask me anything.

Do you like me?

Check yes or no.

Oh, ned!

What? What is it? What's wrong?

I can't answer this.

What? Why not?

Because

I don't have a pencil.

No!

Run, bill!

Be my foods!

Oh!

Bill!

Ned, he'll kill you!

It doesn't matter if I die,

as long as you live, my love.

Now go!

Okay.

Really?

Oh!

Oh!

And the winner for the best actor is

Bob!

- Bob! - Yeah!

- Oh, way to go, Bob! - Woo!

Best actor ever!

Aw, this is crazy.

And our nominees are

"corpse love".

"Dangerous mice."

"Slash camp."

And "Gore whore 3: Gore whore on wheels."

And the winner is

"slash camp"!

Oh!

Bob! Bob!

Where are you going?

You're going to the after party, right?

Uh, yeah.

Bob's got a limo!

Well, I can have a limo.

Really, you do?

No.

Bye.

Oh, is that the one where they kill animals for young,

and the director was arrested because they really thought

he killed people?

No, you're thinking of "cannibal apocalypse."

Not the same film at all.

"Hannibal dancer" has a bit of a comedy flair to it

and stars Mary thore.

You know, follows a young cannibal dancer,

moves to Italy to pursue dance,

but she ends up being chased.

Cool.

I know you.

Dammit, Holland.

So we're being chased,

and I say, "I doesn't matter if I die,

as long as you live, my love.

Now go."

That's it.

My movie's completely original, right?

It's an '803 throwback slasher,

but with a twist.

Yeah, you actually don't do so good at parties,

but it makes all the difference when we win, yeah.

Check that out. I know, right?

It's about a group of teens who go into the woods,

but there's this giant, hulking killer in a mask.

J“ rock star”

j“ style your heart out“

j' blast off“

j“ get lost'

style your heart out

that sounds phenomenal.

Please, tell me more.

Yeah, okay.

Anyways, you'd be great in it.

I mean, there's no pay, but hey,

the exposure would be great.

I mean, uh.

Do you, do you shoot nude?

Max rampage. Rampage media.

The largest distributor of independent horror on the planet!

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I know you guys.

I have some of your DVDs in my collection at home.

Yeah, you guys got the, got like the slip cases

with the embossed logo on 'em.

You know, it's like, uh.

Hi.

This is arvid Scott, head of marketing.

Torson young, accounting.

Hey.

Max rampage. Rampage media.

The largest distributor of independent horror on the planet!

Yeah, I got it.

Uh, I don't, I don't think I caught your name, though.

Nina peros, acquisitions.

It's really nice to meet you.

Likewise.

We saw your movie.

Was lovely.

Yes, quite lovely.

Yes, well done.

Really?

Wow! Uh, yeah!

You know, we worked really hard on this movie,

and, and, and like my producer Ivan,

he got the money together from this guy

name Marco something-or-other,

and like all the actors, you know.

And Lauren is in it. She's so good.

Lauren's over there. She's really-

- please, stop talking.

Okay.

We'd like to offer you a distribution contract

for your film.

What?

A contract for your film.

Worldwide distribution DVD and vod,

exclusive to rampage media.

Holy shit.

Wow!

Um, I gotta, I gotta get Ivan.

So you guysust wait right here.

Don't go anywhere and I'll be, I'll be right back, okay?

So there's this giant spider-

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Come on, come on. Excuse us.

Why? What?

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

The deal is exclusive.

Shit.

Max rampage. Rampage media.

The largest distributor of independent horror on the planet!

See, what'd I tell ya?

What do you think?

I think yeah. What do you think?

I think hell yeah!

All right, we!!!

Hey, you should sign it first.

You got the money, you should sign it first, man.

Congratulations.

Welcome to the rampage media family.

So cool!

Can I keep this pen?

Of course.

And the contract, too. That's your copy.

So, now what?

Enjoy the party.

Go. Be with your friends.

Arvid will send you the deliverables soon.

Really? That's it?

That's it, gentlemen.

Wow.

Wow, man!

Uh, thank you, thank you so much.

Rampage media.

The largest distributor of independent horror on the planet.

Yeah, yeah, you know it.

Thank you for coming. Goodbye.

Cool, I'm gonna take these.

Youust ditched me?

Why would youust leave like that?

We got fucking distribution!

Yes!

Hey, hey, hey!

Shh.

We got distribution!

Free from sexual inhibitions

j“ falling at my doorstep“

Unreal.

What's all this?

Max rampage's mansion.

He lives in a freakin' mansion.

Big house, big cars, but he can't pay us.

I don't get it.

He can afford it, I guess.

Yeah, 'cause he's busy fucking over

any filmmakers and never paying them.

Oh, that's our money. Ours.

Who knows how many filmmaker's lives he's ruined.

I mean, look at this shit.

He has hundreds and hundreds of films on his website.

What do you wanna bet he hasn't paid any of 'em.

Yeah, it's fucked up, dude.

Exactly.

We can't let him get away with this.

People need to get paid for their work.

Marco.

He needs to get paid back or-

- what?

Or nothin', nothin'.

Weust gotta pay Marco back by next week.

Okay, what do you propose we do?

We Rob his house, get our money.

Fuck him!

Come on, man.

We're not robbing anyone.

Well, listen, listen.

He fucked us.

He owes us money, right?

Now I'm not talkin' about hurting anyone.

No, no, no.

Just go down to his house, demand that he pays us.

That's it.

That's a bad move, dude.

Oh my gosh, osh. You got a better one?

'Cause if don't pay Marco back by next week, he's gonna-

- What?

Wait, I don't have a dog.

- Cats. - No.

- Hamster. - No.

- Goldfish. - No.

- Your grandma then. - No, no.

Nothin'.

No, bullshit. What, man?

Okay, he's gonna shoot my grandma.

Yeah.

I'll shoot your fuckin' grandma.

All right, there.

If I don't pay him back, my grandma's toast.

No more grandma cookies.

You get me?

I'm sorry. What?

Okay, osh. He has a gun.

If I don't pay him back by next week, pow!

Pow! Pow!

He's gonna shoot my grandma.

No, I, I, I heard you, but what?

I like my grandma, dude.

Yeah.

She doesn't deserve any of this shit.

She makes cookies, remember?

The little macaroons.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah, I remember.

They tasted like bingo halls smells.

That doesn't mean she deserves to get shot, bro.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

I'm not saying that.

I love your grandma.

Most people's grandmas are great.

I'must saying what kind of sick mind

operates like that?

Josh, that's why we gotta do something, all right?

We'llust go down to his house,

demand that he pays us, that's it.

And if he doesn't, then we'll, we'll,

we'll steal his fucking TV.

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

Let's say we do that.

Not, not the stealing the TV part,

but the asking for our money part.

Do you have a plan?

Josh, osh, osh.

All I've got are plans.

Ugh.

Hey.

Hey.

What's up?

Wanna help us Rob a mansion?

Not exactly how I was gonna start that conversation, but.

Um, okay.

How were you gonna start it then?

Like this.

All right. Sorry.

So you're gonna Rob a mansion?

- No. - Yes.

No.

Look, first and foremost,

you deserve to get paid.

Yeah, ya think?

Movie's out, it's a big hit.

Everybody says so, but here I am back in

the game store working for minimum wage,

dealing with nerds whoust wanna stare

at my tits all day.

Yeah, I deserve to get paid.

Oh, andosh, fuck you for not calling me!

In my defense, I was really embarrassed.

Oh? Louder.

Look, I screwed up, okay?

We trusted that distributor and he hasn't paid us

a single fucking dime.

You haven't gotten paid like at all?

Nothing.

Everyone thinks you'reust ducking them

and keeping the money for yourselves.

That's great, 'cause we're not.

There's no money, I swear.

It's true. We got hosed.

Okay, okay, well, let's say that's true.

What are you even gonna do about it then?

Rob that fucker.

We're not robbing anybody.

We'reust going to go to his house.

We're gonna demand that he gives us our money, politely.

That's it.

And you're telling me because?

Come on, you know.

You're my, my girlfriend.

Or you were. I don't know.

I'm sorry. We fucked up.

We kind of fell in love with the dream.

You know, I thought that we were gonna be like famous

and living in Hollywood and now I'm sleeping alone

on a futon, delivering pizzas, and it sucks.

And I'm sorry, okay?

And if I don't start paying back my student loans-

- for what it's worth, I'm sorry, too.

Look, you were great in the movie.

Fantastic.

But we're out of options.

We got a plan.

Jessica and Bob are in. Evan, too.

We are getting the gang back together,

but Lauren, we need your help.

Robbing a mansion?

- Yes. - No.

Look.

Jessica, Bob and Evan are in?

Yeah.

Okay, fine. Whatever.

I'm in.

Really?

Yeah, I mean, what else am I supposed?

Yeah, I've got boobs.

Get over it!

Get me out of here.

Just, ust let me get changed.

Howdy, my friends.

Where are you goin'?

You're not ditching me, are ya?

We're gonna go get your money.

Hello, everyone.

I'm fuckin' Santa claus.

Hi, I'm Evan.

Like even, but with an a.

With an a?

How the fuck else would you spell it, you little twat?

Doesn't matter, does it?

We're friends now, right?

You, in back. Get out.

Fuckin' drive.

Fuckin' drive!

Stay with me.

I gotta keep an eye on my investment, you know?

I gotta piss, dude.

Oh, great. Me, too.

Lots of piss. Let's piss together.

It'll be fun, huh?

Yeah.

You want anything?

Uh, my tummy kinda hurts.

I'm gonna get some pepto.

I'm paying.

Yes.

Are you, are you sure about this, osh?

Yeah. No. I don't know.

Who's this Marco guy?

How do you guys know him?

Oh, I don't know him.

He's Ivan's friend.

He gave us some money.

I think he wants it back now.

He has a gun in hisacket.

I saw it.

I know, I know.

You know?

What do you mean youust-

- know what?

What does our friendosh know?

Nothin'.

What is it?

What does our friend Josh the filmmaker know?

I'm dying to hear.

Do I look like I know something?

I don't know. I don't know nothin'.

Here's that.

Must be somethin', no?

Hang on.

Surely a smart guy like Ivan's friendosh

knows somethin'.

Tell me!

Your card declined.

What?

Your card declined.

Yeah, uh, that makes sense.

Um, okay.

I got, I got like nine bucks, so.

I got you, man.

We're friends, right?

You can pay me back later.

Thanks.

All right.

I'm talking about story.

The way Dracula's portrayed in the original.

John comet killed it, literally.

Classic, yes, I agree,

but I think that Sean Becker in the remake isust,

I mean, oh god, he is Dracula in that movie.

He carries the entire film.

Friendosh.

Yeah?

If you do not stop talking,

do you know what I'll do?

Shoot my grandma?

And bingo was his name-o.

Maybe some music, huh?

J' he's comin' for me“

killer clown

comin' to kill me

killer clown

Ain't that's it?

Should be. Yeah, think so.

And this guy, this Maxim,

he owes you money?

Yes.

Then he owes me money, too.

What?

Well, we kind of have a plan,

and I worked really hard on it.

I have a plan, too.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

And it goes like this.

Get out of the fucking car!

See?

Better. My plan is good.

More direct.

But I worked really hard on the plan.

I made little maps and everything.

Maybe you should've tried harder.

Maybe you should've done lots of things.

Maybe you should've paid me back,

othennise we wouldn't be here.

Hey, look, man.

I don't think it's very fair to, ah-ah!

What? You don't like my plan?

Well?

What, you don't want to get shot?

Wha? Uh! Uh!

What?

Well, don't ya?

We, weust want our money.

That's good.

We're on the same team.

We, uh, what are you doing?

Texting my dad.

Phones, now.

Come on, all of ya!

Don't make me shoot your dog!

What is it with you and shootin' dogs?

I saw it in a movie once, all right?

It works.

People love their dogs more than their family.

Sometimes, I think.

So you shoot dog.

But, um, notohn wick's dog.

That's, uh, that's bad.

Anyway, doesn't matter.

All right, good, good.

We're the same team.

Good, good.

Uh, come on.

Let's go and say hello to our new friend, shall we?

Ah, ah.

Don't fuck me about.

This better be the place.

Yeah, that's what it said on the Internet.

Knock.

You, little girl who talks to much.

Knock on the door.

Well, hello, Santa.

Are these your little elves?

This is most interesting.

We weren't expecting guests,

and you brought your actress friends, too.

You have great taste.

They look yummy.

Excuse me, I'm not some floozy actress.

I'm a pa.

Um, excuse me.

Just saying.

You guys, stop!

Okay, well then. Here we are.

Santa and his bitchy elves.

What can I do for you?

Oh, we'd like our money, please.

Your money?

You owe us money from the sales of our film,

and we need it, please.

Your money? You want your money?

That's why you came here, tonight of all nights?

Did he fucking stutter?

You owe us money, our money.

$20,000.

Oh, I see.

- Good. - No.

What did you say to me?

I said quite clearly, no.

You don't get to come here making demands.

That's not how this works.

What are you doing?

Looking for your dog.

Odd.

Gonna fuckin' shoot him.

Odder still.

We don't have a dog.

You have to help us. He has a gun.

I know.

Must be very frightening, I'm sure.

He seems quite unhinged.

Perhaps you should put him in a movie.

He's quite the character.

Perhaps you should come in, please.

What is his name?

Marco something-or-another.

- Marco. - Polo.

You did not.

We don't have a dog.

Any pets?

No, I'm afraid not.

Have you got a grandma?

Well, yes, grandma's here, but.

I'm gonna fuckin' shoot her.

You can't shoot her, I'm sorry.

We're quite fond of her.

Please, do come in.

We'reust sitting down to dinner.

Really, do come in.

Let's get to the bottom of this, shall we?

Come, let's settle this.

Ho-ho-ho!

Dude, don't do the thing.

Max rampage. Rampage media.

The largest distributor of independent horror on the planet!

Yes, you did.

Yeah, yeah, we've met before.

At the hotel.

The video screen film festival?

You gave us distribution.

For yourfilm.

Yeah.

Excellent!

We are the largest distributor

of independent horror on the planet!

Right.

I'm sorry, but, um, what the fuck is going on here?

That's a very good question.

You come to our home on Christmas Eve, nonetheless,

just as we're preparing our evening meal,

with hobo Santa.

So you tell me, child.

What exactly is going on here?

Go on. We're all listening.

Well, I didn't bring. I mean...

What is going on, Victoria?

Nothing, grandma. Everything's fine.

Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho!

It's grandma time!

Goodbye, gran!

Ah! Oh my god!

Ah!

Ah! Oh my god!

Oh, geez!

Oh! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Oh, god. Oh, fuck!

She bit him!

What is this?

He shot you, grandma.

That little cocksucker shot me?

Yes, he shot you.

What do you suggest we do about it?

Let's tie 'em up

and rip their intestines

out through their assholes

and hang them like garlands around the house,

and bathe in their blood,

and dance naked to the sounds

of their screams!

Just like in the old days.

That seems completely reasonable.

Arvid, love, would you be so kind as to call the children?

Yes, my queen.

Dog whistle in the key of bauhaus.

You said you didn't have a dog.

We don't.

What?

Doesn't call dogs.

It calls the gods, dear.

Out from their shallow lairs and underground clubs,

out of their basements and away from their video games,

they come, marching to a gothic dance beat.

Pleaseust shut up!

You don't like goth music?

Nobody really likes gothic music.

Well, you're an offensive little toad, aren't you?

First you barge in here uninvited,

then you shoot grandma,

and now you have the nerve to criticize my taste in music?

Lust can't with you.

Nina?

Oof.

Yum, yum, yum!

What the fuck?

Yum, yum, yum!

Yum, yum!

Are you kidding me right now?

You're vampires?

Like actual freaking vampires?

Really?

This is so cool! On my gosh!

I have like a hundred questions!

Um, first one.

How do you guys... run!

Goths.

We've gotta get to the car.

Back door!

Let them run, get their blood pumping.

But don't let them escape.

Max.

Max rampage. Rampage media.

The largest distributor of independent horror on the planet!

Max dear, I want you to go with arvid.

Chase them, scare them.

I like my dinner served hot and messy.

Adrenaline is the spice of life, after all.

Do you understand?

We are the largest distributor of independent horror

on the planet!

Yes, I know.

So go distribute some horror.

Can you do that for me?

- I can. - Okay.

We're surrounded.

Oh, shit! There's so many of 'em.

We'll never make it!

Josh?

I never loved you.

Lust wanted to be in your movie.

And honestly, it wasn't even that good.

The movie or the sex?

Both.

Oh, ouch.

Arvid?

I'd like you to lead the hunt.

Chase them, torment them.

You can take Max with you or lose him.

I don't really care anymore.

Just keep an eye on the time.

I will rip the meat from their bones.

Lovely.

Torson, I'd like you to make sure they don't get

past the children, okay?

Nina, you're with me. Let's have some fun.

And grandma?

Oh, right, yeah. Grandma?

What?

What's going on?

We're hunting now, grandma.

Hunting who?

The interlopers.

Where are they?

They're in the house.

Do you want to hunt them?

Yes!

Now? You wanna do this now?

Like right now?

Like right now you wanna do this?

Nope, that's it. Bye.

Wait.

You have to go get help.

I'll fight 'em off.

They'll kill you, Evan.

This is not some stupid movie.

Doesn't matter if I die, as long as you live, my love.

Now go!

Whatever.

Huh?

Are you serious right now?

That was some of the worst acting I've ever seen!

Hers or mine?

- Yours. - Both.

Okay, do you need a hand?

I'm old,

you scraggly, little cock monkey!

I'm not.

I'm not, what's that word?

- Incompetent? - Irate.

- Irregular. - Irascible.

Incapable!

That's the word.

I'm not incapable.

I'm gonna rip their assholes through their mouths.

That sounds truly unpleasant.

I like it. Can I borrow it?

Borrow this!

I think that is physically impossible.

Grandma's very creative.

Well, she has been at this for more than 5,000 years.

If anyone can make it happen, she can.

Okay, well, we can discuss the possibility

of ripping someone's asshole through their mouth later.

Off you go, grandma. Have fun.

Fine. Fuck you, then.

Wait for me!

Evan!

You can'tust leave me here!

Oh!

No! osh! osh!

Stop.

Close the door! Lock it!

Where are the vampires?

Why haven't they attacked yet?

They're gone.

Where?

Keep watch.

This isn't happening.

I mean, this isn't happening.

Oh, it's happening.

And it's freaking awesome!

What is wrong with you?

Dude, so many things.

You don't even know.

Oh!

Fuck! I should've stopped her, man!

I should've fucking stopped her because I really loved her.

I, mmm!

- You good? - Yeah.

We have to get out of here.

We need a plan.

Well, I had a plan, but Marco-

- shut up!

Bob. With us?

Listen, we can't go outside because of the goths.

We can't stay inside because of the vampires.

So we have to fight.

Can we?

"Night of the blood freaks," 1984.

Oh, yeah. "Blood freaks," '84.

When family pets begin to go missing,

a group of plucky teenagers suspect

that their neighbors might be a vampire,

and they set out to destroy him before he works

his way up to human prey.

It's got the vhs box cover art with the light up green eyes.

Such a great film, man.

I don't know if I'd call it great.

You know, no "blood haunt," but.

Oh, yeah. "Blood haunt."

Three vampires in a carnival house with, uh, Marilyn carp?

It was Marilyn blanks.

You're thinking of "funhouse from hell."

But that doesn't matter.

What happens in "blood freaks"?

Uh, they fight.

And?

They, uh, they win.

- Say it again. - They win.

That's right. They win.

We have to do this.

Okay.

Now, who knows about vampires better than you?

Besides obviously me.

Uh, nobody.

I've seen every vampire film, foreign and domestic.

Exactly.

You've been preparing for this moment your entire life!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah, fuck Lauren, man!

She's dead. Gross.

But okay, fuck Lauren.

Well, I mean, I didn't literally mean fuck Lauren.

But I did. I did fuck Lauren.

I know what you mean, osh.

- Right. - Right.

Uh, guys? Grandma's coming!

Yum!

Yum!

Yum, yum, yum, yum!

We need a plan now!

Uh, uh!

Oh, quick! Run upstairs!

I'must, I'moking.

I'm not that stupid.

But we should probably split up.

Yeah.

Yummy, yummy, yum, yum.

Oh, essica!

Remember that you're a girl,

so don't like trip or fall down

or do something stupid like that, okay?

- Got it. - Yeah.

There.

I'll go find the others and deal with grandma.

You know what to do.

Ho-ho-ho!

Grandma?

Grandma?

Grandma?

Gramps?

Max rampage! Rampage media!

The largest distributor of independent horror on the planet!

Max seems to be degenerating.

Yes, well, he's never been the brightest

screw in the drawer, but he does seem to be slipping a bit.

Yes.

It happens sometimes.

Eternity breaks them.

He didn't even make a decent Santa this year.

Or the year before that.

Or the year before that.

Or the year before that.

You're right.

This has been going on too long.

Perhaps it's time to replace him.

Perhaps.

I could have legal draw up a new company.

Bankrupt rampage media.

Find fresh blood.

That's a good idea.

Men are so unreliable.

Truer words have never been spoken, my queen.

Okay.

Max goes.

Arvid and torson, too. They bore me.

A clean house is a pretty house.

And, um, grandma?

She's family.

Understood.

Bring me one of the girls, though.

I have an idea.

As you command, my queen.

Hey.

What are you doing?

She's chasing me.

All right.

Don't you think you should get up?

Duh, I knew that.

Just tripped and started crawling.

Mmmhmm.

Sorry, got caught up in a cliche there for a minute.

No, that's fine.

It happens to the best of us.

I can smell ya, ya little shit.

No, you can't!

Oh, fuck!

I can! I can!

Fuck! Fuck you, cocksucker!

Wait the fuck up!

Help me.

Queen, you've got a little something on your face there.

Mmm.

Better?

No. More here.

What about now?

Perfection, my queen.

You're so good to me, sweet Nina.

And you to me.

Arvid, find the rest and hurry.

I hunger and the night grows short.

I understand.

Come along, grandma.

No, no, I want, I want, I want the blood.

I want, I, I, I want the blood, I want the blood.

Come.

We'll find you some man meat.

Man meat? Man meat?

Oh, I love man meat!

Arvid, it's nearly dawn.

The goths will retreat.

We have to end this now.

I understand.

What shall we do with the leftovers?

They never keep.

Prop him out. He could be useful.

Oh, shit!

Uh, hide somewhere.

Oh, god.

So did see you Ivan? Did he get away or?

I don't know. I heard a scream.

Oh, shit! Shit!

I think it's worse.

I think they got Bob.

Oh, not Bob. Not Bob.

First Lauren and Evan,

Marco something-or-other,

now Ivan's missing and Bob?

We've gotta somehow vomit ourselves

out of this situation.

"Blood queen 4."

Oh.

"Blood queen 4." 1987.

The blood queen returns to Los Angeles

to hunt those who hunt her,

taking the city on a wild ride

that will soon not forget.

Yeah, it's got that scene with the vampire dogs

and that actress.

Uh, what's her name?

Quinley rod.

Right, quinley rod.

She was also in "hell basket."

She did that thing with her boobs and the lipstick.

Yeah, classic.

Oh, instant classic.

Scared the shit out of me when I was a kid.

- Kind of turned me on. - Totally dope.

What?

Nothing.

Okay.

"Blood queen 4."

I mean, how does that help us now?

Bathtub full of holy water?

Bathtub full of holy water.

Right, okay. Don't we need a priest?

- I'm ordained. - What?

- Yeah, did it online. - Took like 10 minutes.

Church of the midnight munchies.

I'm a minister.

That's, uh, that's really, uh-

- handy? - Convenient.

I know. Turn the water on.

Let's get this ritual started.

Ho-ho-ho!

Max rampage!

Rampage media!

The largest distributor of independent horror

on the planet!

Jesus Christ, hurry up!

Come on! Is that it?

- I think so. - What?

What do you mean you think so?

It's my first time. It's fine.

It's not fine!

We based our entire plan around this

and you don't even know if it's gonna work!

Oh, shit! Quick, hide!

Max rampage!

You're a really shitty distribution company!

- One down. - Five to go.

Ugh.

Plan?

What?

"Vampire holocaust."

Oh, Italian!

Directed by Mario pesulli, starring ilene cordacelli.

Well, that's brilliant.

That's, that's brilliant.

Thank you.

Ugh.

Do ya, do ya think?

Only one way to find out.

Stinks!

I think it...

Got it.

- All you. - Oh.

Oh, fuck!

"Vampire holocaust?"

"Vampire holocaust."

You got it, you got it.

How does it look?

Oh, ust great.

Oh, come on. Suck it up. Geez.

Get the other one.

I'm bored.

We have to find the interlopers.

I'm hungry!

You'll eat soon, grandma.

I'm hungry now!

What?

Perhaps you should go to bed now.

It's getting early.

Fuck that.

I wanna kill someone.

You promised me man meat.

So I did.

Stay here.

What?

Man meat.

I want man meat.

I want man meat now.

Man meat.

Yum, yum.

Have you found him?

I, I've not.

I don't understand.

Did the queen-

- turn me into a vampire?

Of course, you fool.

I am one of you now.

I can smell your blood.

You dare to question, oh shit.

Hold on, these fucking things.

They suck.

Okay, I am a vampire!

Aw!

I think I got some in my mouth.

It's gross.

Yeah, well, you aren't the one with

the rotten vampire teeth in your mouth.

Oh!

Christ, what?

Stabby, stabby.

"Vampire holocaust." It worked!

I can't believe it.

I'm very happy for you.

Wait.

Do you hear that?

What?

I don't hear anything.

Exactly. The music.

It stopped.

But why?

Dude, who cares! Let's go!

- It's almost dawn. - I'm aware.

If we can't catch them, then we've lost.

What shall we do?

We retreat.

We live to fight another day.

We are immortal.

We have all the time in the world.

This isn't the end, my love.

It's only the beginning.

My friend

on the last slay ride

Whoa.

Lauren.

Can you hear it, osh?

The beat?

The driving tempo?

Fills your veins.

It moves you.

Come, lover.

Sing this corrosion to me.

Join me in this dance of death.

Sway your body against mine.

Live forever.

Oh!

"Vampire holocaust," bitch!

Ah!

My kidneys!

God, you pushed me on the stairs.

Lauren!

Where'd she go?

Who cares? Let'sust go.

Yeah!

Way to go, Bob!

Best background actor ever!

Come on! Let's get out of here, man!

We're gonna get...

But, I.

Oh, Bob!

Isn't fair.

"The dead within," 1968.

"The dead within," 1968.

A brave explorer on safari through the darkest corners

of Africa sacrifices himself to save his friends

from the evil that threatened them all.

The first black vampire.

With Bella namoha and Jack labaron and Bob targon

as the hero.

Yeah, Bob. Bob targon, man.

Bob targon's like my favorite actor.

Do you know he got death threats for years

after he made that movie?

I read all about it in his autobiography.

And that movie is actually a lot more important

to the cinematic history of horror than one might think.

It really opened the door for blaxplotation

vampire films, you know?

Like, uh, "vampula" and "ebony Vixen."

Oh, I love "ebony Vixen."

Right, "die, vampula, die."

And the "African gods."

Right, yeah. 1981.

Although that's a little bit more of a voodoo-xplotation

film than a vampire flick.

That's true, I guess.

But it still has vampires in it.

Well, sure, but I mean,

if we're gonna go by that criteria,

then all of a sudden we have to start

counting Dr. Night as a vampire.

Of course he's a vampire!

I'll miss you, Bob.

You're the best, Bob.

You're the best.

You know, I was even gonna give you a couple

of lines in the next film!

You really, really earned it.

Bye, Bob.

Thanks for everything.

You're the best.

You were always there for us.

You're very professional.

You taught me so much.

You're a good friend.

You deserve more lines.

You, uh, you had an impeccable fashion sense.

You had a great smile.

You were mostly clean shaven.

You, uh, were a good driver?

Oh, you were tall.

Yeah, yeah. He was kind of tall.

Uh-huh.

You, uh.

You.

Shit.

Well.

He gave us the, ah, fuck it.

I got nothin'.

- Yeah, me neither. - Yeah.

- Let's go. - Okay.

I should've worn aacket.

Yeah, what's the forecast?

It's December.

Ugh.

Hey!

Hey!

Great, you made it.

Well, duh. Clearly.

Sorry for what I said about your acting.

It wasn't that bad.

It was golden. Shut up.

So what now?

"Midnight in the garden of blood."

The reboot?

The original, 1987?

Oh, yeah. With Aaron Murray, frank delito,

and Eve durden, right?

Eve Parker.

Eve durden was the "catness of black: Blood muncher," 1988?

You sure about that?

I'm sure.

All right.

"Midnight in the garden of blood."

The survivors of a brutal vampiric attack

decide to band together to snuff out

the evil that escaped their vengeance.

That's the one.

"Midnight in the garden of blood."

Pssshh!

All right, put your seatbelt on.

Where?

Where?

Where?

Where is everybody?

I can't be found

sunset all around

and the waves shine

oh, fuck!

Oh!

Sunshine

the place I go

to feel truly free

never caught or held down

no storms around

and the waves shine

and your all mine

in the wind I breathe

sunshine

I met with an old friend the other day

she said she hadn't seen me in 13 long years

I looked down on the tarmac and I said

I haven't seen you in that long either

we exchanged smiles and heartbreak and stories

by the parked vans with bumper stickers

and without word she said

my husband left me and I'm raising these kids

on a minimum three part-timeob and shit

well, I hope you're doing all right with your life

and I'm doing okay with mine, I guess

well, the last time I saw you, we were thriving

well, we were doingust fine

well, I hope you're doingust fine

I hope you're doingust fine

I hope you're doing all right

doingust fine, too

I guess I'm doing all right myself, I guess

sometimes

I haven't seen my uncle in a shit ton of years

and we know his heart stopped and he died

and my grandmother, the one on my dad's side

I have to remind her who I am every time I see her

but I hope that when his kids

have Christmas dinner each year

they remember the way that I look

and I said the things like

that fire has a good log on it

it's burning bright like grandma's eyes

and I told my mom I like the way that she cooks

I hope she likes the way that I cook, too

and we have Christmas dinner each year

and we'reust doing all right