Original subtitles

- W-O-R-K.

Work.

Today we're going to share what our parents do for...

- Work!

- Work!

- My mommy is a doctor.

- My daddy is a truck driver.

- My mom's a teacher.

- And your dad?

- My dad...

He's...

A liar.

- A liar?

Oh, I'm sure you don't mean a liar.

- Well, he wears a suit and goes to court

and talks to the judge.

- Oh! Oh! I see.

You mean he's a lawyer.

- Hey, Fletcher. How'd it go in there?

- Just another victory for the wrongly accused.

- Yeah right.

- Mr. Reede, great job sir. Do you want your coat back?

- No, I'm sure you'll be needing it again and again.

- Mr. Reede, do you have a moment?

- I'm sorry, I'm very late. It's my day to be with my son.

- A couple of reporters wanna talk to you

about your big win today.

- Oh, yeah? How's my hair?

- Fabulous. You look great.

- What time is it?

- I'm sure your dad just got held up in court again.

- Dad!

- Maximilian!

Hey!

How you doing, creep?

- Good.

- Me too, except my arm has really been bothering me lately.

- Oh, no, dad!

- Oh, yeah!

It's becoming a claw!

Nothing can stop the claw!

Run, boy! Run! Save yourself!

- Do the claw to mom, dad! Do the claw to mom!

- Uh-oh! You found the claw's only weakness.

Sub-zero temperatures!

- So, did you have any trouble finding the place?

- Okay, I'm late. I'm sorry. I ran out of gas.

The gauge is broken or something.

Rough neighborhood, too.

It's a good thing I was wearing neutral gang colors.

I might've had to pull out my nine and bust a cap.

- Well, they would never hurt you, Fletcher,

you're their lawyer.

- Oh! That was below the belt. Try Keep the gloves up.

- Mom, dad's taking me to see wrestling!

- Fletcher!

- Audrey!

- Why do you have to take him to see that stuff?

It's very violent.

- The boy must grow to be a warrior.

Who better to guide him than Rick Rude

and Randy "Macho-Man" Savage in the Cage of Death?

Good!

- Jerry, how's it going?

- Hey, Gipper! Look at you.

You look like you grow by the minute!

- Fletcher, pleasure to see you.

- Hey.

- Hi, honey! - Hi.

- Wow, that was a nice image. Deleted.

- I have some more boxes for you.

- Oh! You're an angel.

- Boxes? - Yeah.

Remember? I told you a few weeks ago.

Jerry's moving to Boston on Friday.

- Oh, right! The job, the thing... What do you do again?

- Hospital administrator.

- Right! Right!

- Well, the boxes are in my car.

- Oh, those can wait.

I made this young man a promise, didn't I?

Got time to throw a few?

- Sure!

- Come on, then!

- I forgot the boyfriend was moving.

- Jerry! His name is Jerry! And yes, he's moving.

- I'm sorry, I hated him a lot less

than your other boyfriends, it wasn't serious, was it?

- Semi-serious, yes.

- You guys aren't, you know...

- I've been dating him for seven months. What do you think?

- Really? Ew!

I was hoping after being married to me

you'd have no strength left.

- Well, you have to remember that when we were married,

I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you were?

- Ouch!

And the ref takes a point away.

- Yeah. - Oh! Oh! And Out!

- Yeah! Whoo!

- Max is gonna miss him.

- I'll be here.

- Ready?

Yeah!

Play ball.

- Max, come on. We've gotta go.

- Dad, are we really going to wrestling?

- Absolutely, Max Factor.

We just have to stop by the office for a minute.

- Excuse me, sir. Any spare change?

- Oh, I'm sorry. I'm all out.

-I can'tdo it.

- Fred, it's your duty to present

the strongest case possible.

- The strongest case possible consistent with the truth.

- Will you let the judge decide what's true?

That's what he gets paid for. You get paid to win.

- If you insist that I take it to trial,

I will represent Mrs. Cole aggressively and ethically,

but, Miranda, I won't lie.

- Then we'll just have to find someone who will.

- 21st floor. Men's wear.

- Hi, Mr. Reede!

- Whoa! Hey.

Did you do something to your hair?

- It's a bit extreme, isn't it?

- No! I mean that's... That's the thing nowadays, right?

- Well, he said it would accent my facial features.

- Well, that's what it does!

It completely accents your facial features.

We're just gonna go to my office now.

- Hey, Fletcher.

- Hey, Pete. You losing a little weight?

- I don't know. Maybe.

- Looks and personality. A double-threat guy.

- Hey, Mr. Reede. - Hey, man.

- It's Randy.

- Yeah, I know.

- Taking lunch orders Mr. Reede. Anything?

- No, thanks.

I had so much for breakfast, I'm just about ready to pop.

I mean, I'm full.

- Okay.

Great.

- Max!

- Hi, Greta.

- Hey, what's new?

- Well, it's my birthday's tomorrow,

and we're having a party and everything.

- Wow! I am sure that your daddy

has got you something wonderful.

- Yeah?

- Yeah! You bet!

Listen, kiddo, why don't you go

play in my office for a minute?

Sue somebody for everything they've got.

Maybe you can send a fax to one of your girlfriends.

Hey, sorry.

Damn it! I completely forgot.

- Oh. What a surprise?

- You are a saint. I should buy you a gift.

- You did.

- I always do the classy thing. Any calls?

- Judge Rollins' clerk he needs your filing.

- Tell him it's in the mail.

- Right, you'll do it next week.

Mr. McKinley phoned to confirm your meeting tomorrow.

- Strep throat. No, some kind of virus, what's going around?

- Asian flu?

- Good one.

- And your mother called.

- I'm on vacation.

- It's your fifth week.

- Snowed in, phones are down.

- Break mother's heart. Done.

Now, that's it, except Miranda's looking for you.

- How much ass do I have to kiss

to make partner in this damn place?

Tell her I broke my leg and had to be shot.

- Why don't you tell her yourself?

- And then send out a notice of judgment on my win today!

- I'll get right on it.

- Miranda! Hey, I didn't see you. You look beautiful today.

Here! I bought you a gift.

- Oh! Thanks. I heard about your victory, congratulations.

You know, you're making quite an impression

on the partnership committee.

- Oh, that's right! You folks are meeting again soon.

I've just been keeping myself so busy,

I haven't even thought about it.

Anyway, I have a client in my office.

Better not keep him waiting.

- Actually, Fletcher,

something rather important has just come up.

You're not busy tonight, are you?

- We're not going, are we?

- Audrey, you know how there are moments in life

that you know are critical.

And choices that have to be made,

upon which all one's future happiness will depend?

Well, this is one of those moments.

- What are you trying to say?

- Will you marry me?

- You're moving. - I know.

I'm moving to Boston, but I want

you and Max to come with me.

Audrey, I've been giving this a lot of thought.

And you know I'm not prone to wild,

spontaneous flights of romantic fancy.

But the thought of you and I together

just makes too much sense to ignore.

Now, I'm ready, I think you're ready,

I love Max, you love Max, it's right, it fits.

So what do you say?

- Hey, creepy. Happy birthday.

How old are you now, 22, 23?

- I'm five, dad.

- Okay.

Return the beer keg.

Cancel the dancing girls.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I feel completely unprepared for this.

You see, I bought you a present, but last night,

I accidentally swallowed it.

- Dad, it's in your belly!

- Scalpel.

I hope it's not partially digested!

Look out!

- Cool!

- Cool!

- What is it?

- It's a surprise.

All right, it's a pony. Just open it!

I'm gonna help, ‘cause I can't stand it!

- Baseball stuff!

- Baseball stuff!

- Cool!

Can we play? I'll be Nomo.

You can be Jose Canseco. Can we play dad? Can we play?

- Absolutely.

- Yay!

- Right after your party tonight,

we'll do it, you and me.

I just have to really concentrate on this right now.

- Hi!

Hey!

Happy birthday.

- Thanks, mom.

- Happy birthday, Max!

One, two, three, four, five, and one for good luck!

- He struck the child. Did you see that?

- Look at what Dad got me!

- Whoa!

Great!

Hey, you know what, I have my glove in the car.

Maybe we can stop at the park

on the way home and play catch.

And then tonight we can rub oil in it

and wrap a big rubber band around it.

It'll be great. Hey, great gift, dad!

- Thanks, son.

I'm so glad my gift could bring those two together.

My plan to phase myself out is almost complete.

- Something's come up, and we need to talk.

- Come on, mom. I wanna go play!

- And, actually, it's kind of important,

so maybe we could talk tonight?

- Tonight?

- Yes. Max's birthday party.

- Oh! Yeah. Sure, of course.

We'll talk then. Great!

Maximus! I'm outta here.

- Bye, dad.

- Jerry, enjoy my wife.

- Well,

this is good, this is really smart.

- Thank you.

- Only, well, it's not true, I mean,

does that present a problem?

- Mrs. Cole, the only problem here

is that after you've provided years of faithful service

and loving support of raising his children...

They are his?

- Oh, yeah, yeah. One for sure.

- After all that, your husband want to denying you

a fair share of the marital assets,

based on one single act of indiscretion.

- Seven.

- Pardon me?

- Seven single acts of indiscretion.

- Seven acts of indiscretion,

only one of which he has any evidence of,

and all of which he himself is responsible for.

- He is?

- Mrs. Cole.

You're the victim here.

The wife of a cold, distant workaholic.

Starved for affection. Driven into the arms of another man!

- Seven. - Yeah. Whatever!

You're not trying to denying him what is rightfully his.

All you're insisting on is what is rightfully yours.

- Yeah - And maybe a fraction more.

I think you're bending over backwards.

- Yeah.

Well, I did offer to give him joint custody of the kids.

He is, after all, a wonderful father.

- And how does he repay you?

By dragging you through a painful litigation process!

No! No! No! No! This can't happen!

With all due respect,

this isn't about you and Mr. Cole anymore.

This is about all women.

Where would Tina Turner be right now,

if she'd rolled over and said,

"Hit me again, Ike, and put some stank on it."

Rolling on the river, that's where she'd be.

But she's beyond Thunder dome,

because she decided to send a message.

Wake up, sisters!

There's no

such thing as a weaker sex!

- Oh!

You know what? You're right, Mr. Reede.

I am tired of getting kicked around!

- Good for you!

- Thank you,

I am so grateful

to have an attorney I can trust.

- Oh, you are good.

You are very, very good.

You know, the Cole case is worth a

truckload of money to this firm.

If you win, I guarantee you'll make partner.

- Oh.

- In fact,

how would you like to make

a partner right now?

- Oh, I don't know, I mean, I should...

7 Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy *

- So, honey, have you...

Have you thought about, you know, what we talked about?

- Yeah. - Great.

- I can't go.

- What? Why not?

- Well, because of Max.

- Oh, but he'll love it there.

I'm gonna take him to Fenway Park.

There's hiking and camping and--

- Well, really, it's Fletcher.

- Fletcher? I mean, come on, honey.

He wouldn't even come over unless you reminded him.

- Well, I know, but when he does come over, Max is so happy.

I mean, it's like they have their own little world together.

- The Gipper and I have that, too!

- Well, I know, but it's different.

- How?

- Well...

He does the claw.

- The what?

- The claw.

You know, it's like this...

I don't...

Run for your life. It's the claw! The claw!

Well, I can't really do it that good.

Anyway, that's not the point.

The point is...

If they're 3,000 miles apart,

they'll never gonna see each other.

I mean, Fletcher is never gonna come to Boston.

Hello.

- Audrey?

- Fletcher! Fletcher! Where are you? We are waiting for you.

Max won't cut the cake until you get here.

- Oh, man!

Actually, something has come up.

I've got this problem on a new case!

- What happened?

- Nothing!

I stubbed my toe on the desk!

Listen, I'm really sorry, but I just can't make it.

The boss is really riding me.

- Oh, Fletcher, it's his birthday!

- I know, I know. I'll make it up to him, I promise.

I'll pick him up from school tomorrow, okay.

- You're gonna pick him up?

- Yes! Yes!

- All right, well, hold on a minute.

I'll get him, you can say, "Happy birthday".

- No! Gotta go! Good-bye.

- Hello.

- Okay, birthday boy. Make a wish.

Come on, Max. It can be anything you want.

Anything in the whole world.

Max,

your father is sorry, he had to work.

- He said he was gonna be here. He promised.

- I know, I know, but he promises

that he is gonna see you tomorrow, okay.

He's gonna pick you up from school. All right?

So, come on.

Make a wish.

- I wish that for only one day, dad couldn't tell a lie.

- That was incredible.

Was it good for you?

- I've had better.

"I've had better?"

"I've had better?"

"I've had better."

Hi. - Hi.

- New in the building?

- Yeah, I just moved in Monday.

- Oh! You like it so far?

- Everybody's been real nice.

- Well, that's because you have big jugs.

I mean, your boobs are huge.

I mean, I want to squeeze them.

Mama.

- Any change, mister?

- Absolutely.

- Could you spare some?

- Yes, I could.

- Will you? How come?

- Because I believe you will buy booze with it!

I just wanna get from my car to the office

without being confronted by the decay of Western society.

Plus, I'm cheap!

- Jerk-off!

- You look like you're having a rough morning.

- Ding, ding, ding! What do we have for her, Johnny?

- Fletcher.

- Dana.

- All right Samantha, how much will it take

to put an end to all this?

- 50% of your estate.

- 50%°?

With a prenup and proof of adultery? What's your case?

- Our case is simply this.

- I can't stand this.

- Very funny, Fletcher!

You wanna play hardball? I'm game.

- "You wanna play hardball? I'm game."

- What are you doing? What is wrong with you?

- All rise for the Honorable Judge, Marshall Stevens.

- Honorable!

- Good morning.

Call case number BD09395.

Samantha Cole versus Richard Cole.

How are we doing this morning, Counsel?

- Fine. Thank you.

- And you, Mr. Reede?

- I'm a little upset about a bad

sexual episode I had last night.

- Well, you're still young. It'll happen more and more.

In the meantime, what do you say we get down to business?

First, Mr. Reede, I see where your client--

- You Honor, I would like a continuance!

- This case has already been delayed

several times, Mr. Reede.

- I realize that, Your Honor,

but I would really, really, really, like a continuance.

- I'll have to hear a good cause, Counsel.

What's the problem?

-I can't lie!

- Commendable, Mr. Reede, but I'm waiting

to hear good cause, now, do you have one or not?

- Not.

- Motion for continuance denied.

Is there any chance of a settlement in this case?

- I don't think so, Your Honor,

My client has offered Mrs. Cole $2.4 million,

but Mr. Reede has made it

abundantly clear that he has no desire--

- Settle! Settle! Settle! Settle! Settle!

- I don't want to settle. - You should settle.

- Mr. Reede, you convinced me yesterday,

I'm the victim here, I'm starved for affection,

I'm driven into the arms of another man.

- Seven! - Yeah, whatever.

With the story you came up with, I don't think we can lose.

I want to proceed.

- Mrs. Cole, you don't understand.

- Mr. Reede. Do we have a settlement?

- No!

No, Your Honor.

- There's no settlement.

Trial to commence, 1:30 sharp.

- It was me!

- Hi, Mr. Reede! Like the new dress?

- Whatever takes the focus off your head.

- What's up, Fletcher?

- Your cholesterol, fatty! Dead man walking!

- Hey Fletcher! - Hey!

You're not important enough to remember.

- What's it gonna be, Mr. Reede?

- A pockmark, eventually!

Don't ask! For God's sakes, don't ask.

All right. You can beat this.

It's all a matter of willpower!

A test.

Something small.

Red.

Red.

All right? Now, focus.

The color of this pen is...

The color of this pen is...

The color of the pen that I hold in my hand is

royal blue!

One lie, and I can't say it!

I'll write it.

Write it! Write it, or I'll break it off!

Ah! No!

Come on!

Stop it.

- Boss? What happened?

- The pen is blue. The pen is blue.

The goddamn pen is blue!

- Mr. Reede, are you all right?

- I gotta go home.

- Home? Was the case settled?

- No! I have to be in court at 1:30!

- Then how are you going to go home?

-I don't know. I don't know!

- Okay.

Mr. Reede, Rubin and Dunn called.

They need to know where the Darvis settlement offer stands.

- I just proposed a settlement to dick with them!

- "Dick with them." Got it.

And your mother called, are you still on vacation?

- No.

- Then you're here?

- Yes.

- Thank you for clearing that up, sir.

And your ex-wife called, she wants to know

when you're coming to pick up your son.

- Oh! I'm such a shit!

- Hello.

- Audrey?

- Fletcher, hi, are you still

picking Max up from school today?

- Here's the thing. I really can't!

I had a case I certain would settle,

and it didn't, and I have to go to court this afternoon.

- Right.

- It's true! I really wanna see Max today!

How about that? I really do.

- But things just keep coming up at the last minute, right?

- Yes, but this time it's different.

- I see. And how is that?

- Now I'm telling the truth.

- And last night you weren't. - No

- Well, what were you doing?

- Having sex!

- Well, I hope that it was with someone very special.

- No! See, that's the thing.

I don't even like her, but she's a partner

and I thought I could help my career by making her squeal.

- Oh!

- What's wrong with me?

I'm getting what I deserve.

I'm reaping what I sow. I'm--

- Is dad still picking me up?

- No, Max, he's not.

I'm sorry.

But I'm gonna pick you up, okay. I'll work it out.

- I guess my wish didn't come true.

- What wish?

- I wished that for just one day dad couldn't tell a lie.

- Max?

I have something important I wanna talk to you about, okay.

- Okay. - Okay.

Hello.

- Audrey, let me explain. Something has happened to me.

- Well, something else is about to happen to you, Fletcher.

Max and I are moving to Boston.

- What?

- Jerry has asked me to marry him, and Max and I

are going with him this weekend to look at houses.

- I thought it was semi-serious!

- Yeah, well, it's just been given

a violent shove into serious.

- You can't move to Boston, I'll never see Max!

- Well, then you'll have pretty much

the same relationship you have with him now, won't you?

- Where are you?

- I'm going home.

- When you get there, just stay there.

I'm coming over. We have to talk.

- Fletcher! - I'll be right there.

- La, la, la, la, la, la!

- Fletcher! - Holy hell!

- You can run, but you can't hide.

- What's your problem, schmuck?

- I'm an inconsiderate prick!

Shit!

Shit!

- You know why I pulled you over?

- Depends on how long you were following me.

- Why don't we just take it from the top?

- Here it goes.

I sped, I followed too closely, I ran a Stop sign,

I almost hit a Chevy, I sped some more,

I failed to yield at a crosswalk.

I changed lanes at the intersection,

I changed lanes without signaling

while running a red light and speeding!

- Is that all?

- No.

I have unpaid parking tickets.

Be gentle.

Audrey! Wait!

Wait, Audrey. Oh!

Hold on. Wait! Wait!

- Wait? Wait? I just had an insight into myself, I'm crazy.

You call me up and say,

"Wait, right there. I'll be right over.”

And here's the crazy part, I actually wait.

- I can explain this though.

- I have missed a department meeting. I have...

Did you come here in a cab? - Yes!

- Where's your car?

- Thank you! I can't tell you how much this means to me.

-I can. $1,654.11.

- How do you sleep at night?

I'm taking this.

You scratched my car!

- Where?

- Right there!

- Oh, that.

That was already there.

- Why, you...

You liar!

You know what I'm gonna do about this?

- What? - Nothing!

Because if I take you to small-claims court,

it will just drain 8 hours of my life,

and you probably won't show up,

and if I finally got the judgment,

you'll just stiff me anyway,

so what I'm gonna do, is piss and moan like an impotent jerk

and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!

- You been here before, haven't you?

- Well, I can't remember when I've had more fun,

but if you'll excuse me, I have a class.

- Are you marrying this guy because you're mad at me?

- No, I divorced you because I was mad at you.

- Audrey, wait. I wanna talk about this!

- Really, what do you wanna say?

- Is this guy right for you? I mean, he is so not me!

- Yes! that's one of his best qualities.

- Yeah, but he's kind of Magoo. I'm sorry.

- You're wrong, I mean, sometimes,

maybe yes, he is a little--

- Magoo!

- Yes, but since we've been going out... Oh, my God.

I'm not having this conversation with you.

- Audrey, you can't go. This is not fair.

- Fair? Oh, okay. Let's define "fair," shall we?

Last night a 5 year old boy was crushed,

because his father lied to him

about coming to his birthday party, fair?

- Last night--

- Was none of my business. - Thank you.

- None of my business.

Two years ago, it was my business, but see,

I don't have to care about that anymore.

I don't care, that's the magic of divorce,

but it matters to Max!

Everything you do, matters to Max,

and everything you don't do.

- All right, now let me tell you something.

I'm a bad father!

I mean...

I'm a bad father.

- You're not a bad father, when you show up.

- What if I come over right after

court light-out and play ball with Max?

Then you and I can sit down and talk

before you make any rash decisions!

- No, we are leaving tonight.

- Please Audrey, give me one more chance.

I'm throwing myself on the mercy of the court.

I lost you, but please, don't make me lose Max, too.

Give me a chance to be the father I started out to be.

- You're really coming?

- This is ironclad.

This is the mother of all promises. What time?

- Okay, 6:00.

- 10 to 6:00. - All right.

All right, all right, all right,

but if I tell Max that you're coming, and you don't show up,

and I have to see that look on his face,

that heartbreaking look,

we're going to Boston.

- If I don't show up, I'll pack you myself.

I will lovingly wrap your knickknacks with bubble paper.

- I hope so.

Do you know what your son was doing at 8:15 last night?

He was making a birthday wish, that for just one day

his father couldn't tell a lie.

- Oh, my God! That's it!

- "I do not like them, Sam I Am."

"I do not like green eggs and ham.”

"Would you like them here or there?"

"I would not like them--"

- Excuse me.

Hi. I'm Max's bad father. I'm his father.

- Dad!

- Could I borrow him for just one second?

Monster Max!

- Dadzilla! You came to play catch?

- I'd like to, but I can't right now.

Max, I gotta talk to you.

Your mommy told me about that wish

you made last night, it came true, Max.

- Really, you mean you have to tell the truth?

- Yes. - No matter what?

- No matter what!

- Is wrestling real?

- In the Olympics, yes. On channel 23, no.

- Will sitting too close to the TV set make me go blind?

- Not in a million years.

- If I keep making this face, will it get stuck that way?

- In fact, some people make a good living that way.

Now listen, Max, you gotta do something for me.

I need you to take back that wish.

- So you can lie?

- Yes.

- But not to you, you see, Max,

sometimes grownups need to lie.

It's hard to explain, but if...

Look, here's a good example,

when your mommy was pregnant with you,

she gained a good 40 pounds,

there was nothing she wouldn't eat, and daddy was scared,

but when she'd ask me, "How do I look?"

I'd say, "Honey, you look great."

"You're beautiful. You're glowing."

If I had told mommy she looked like a cow,

it would have hurt her feelings, you understand.

- My teacher tells me real beauty is on the inside.

- That's just something ugly people say.

Max, no one can survive in the adult world

if they have to stick to the truth.

I could lose my case, I could lose my promotion,

I could even lose my job.

Now, I need your help, Max. Okay?

- Okay.

- Okays, now do whatever you did last night,

only this time,

make it an unwish.

- I did it.

- Excellent! Now, I just need a little test.

- Did it work?

- Not like I'd hoped. Did you unwish it?

- Only-- - What? Only what?

- Yesterday, when I wished it, I really meant it,

this time when I unwished it,

I only did it 'cause you told me to.

- All right, then, do it again,

and this time, mean it.

- But I can't!

- Why not?

- 'Cause I don't want you to lie.

- I explained this, I have to lie, everybody lies.

Mommy lies, even the wonderful Jerry lies.

- But you're the only one that makes me feel bad.

- Max, recess is over. Come on in!

- Mom says we're moving to Boston.

- That isn't for sure yet.

She promised we'd talk about it when I come over tonight.

I am coming! You believe me, don't you, Max?

I'll see you later, buddy.

- Yo Fletcher. How's it hanging?

- Short, shriveled and always to the left.

- Boss, it's Skull, he knocked over another ATM,

this time at knife-point, he needs your legal advice.

- Stop breaking the law, asshole!

- Boss, are you all right?

- My son hates me.

- Max loves you. I've seen you together, you're his hero.

- Oh, yeah?

Last night at his birthday party, he made a wish,

that I wouldn't be able to lie for one whole day.

- Kids.

- It came true.

- What? - Max's wish!

It came true.

- Boss, maybe you should just take a few days off.

- Greta, didn't it seem weird to you

that I kept telling the truth all morning?

- Well, yeah, but...

What are you saying? That you are incapable of lying?

- That's right! I am incapable of lying!

- Just for today?

- Apparently, till 8:15 tonight.

It's just one of those 24-hour curses.

- Yeah, those are going around.

- You don't believe me, do you?

- Of course not.

- How ironic!

Okay, ask me something you think I would normally lie about.

- All right.

Remember a couple of months ago, when I wanted a raise?

- Just forget it. I don't wanna do this.

- And the company wouldn't give me one,

and I asked if you would give it to me

out of your own pocket, and you said

that the company would not allow it,

because it would create jealousy

among the other secretaries.

Now, was that true, or did you just

not wanna pony up the dough?

- Greta, please!

Hello, Judge Stevens, hi!

Fletcher Reede, I'm scheduled to be

in your court in half an hour.

Judge Stevens, I badly, badly, need a continuance.

Ill. Am I ill?

That is the perfect question for you to ask.

Greta please lie to him for me!

- I remember when you bought me

this antique frame from Tiffany's, Tiffany's?

- Garage sale. $6.50 marked down from $10.

I'll give you the raise!

- Here's your raise.

- Hi, Judge Stevens!

Yes, I know I haven't given you an answer yet,

but, illness could mean so many things.

Can you hold? Hello? Mom!

Hi!

I wasn't really on vacation,

‘cause I didn't wanna talk to you!

Because you insist on talking to me

about Dad's bowel movements, size, color, frequency.

I'll call you later! Hello?

Oh! Damn it! I cut him off. I cut off the judge!

Greta! Don't leave!

I'm on my knees in a $900 suit!

- Mr. Reede, several years ago, a friend of mine

had a burglar on her roof, a burglar.

He fell through the kitchen skylight,

landed on a cutting board,

on a butcher's knife, cutting his leg.

The burglar sued my friend. He sued my friend!

And because of guys like you, he won!

My friend had to pay the burglar $6,000. Is that justice?

- No.

I'd have got him $10,000.

- Good-bye, Mr. Reede.

- No! No! No! Wait! I didn't understand the question!

Ask me again! Ask me again!

- Have a nice day in court.

- Greta!

- Hi. - God in heaven!

- It's nice to see you too Fletcher. Are you busy?

- Extremely.

- Good. Would you follow me, please?

Did you know that the partnership committee

is being headed up be Mr. Allan himself?

You used to work directly for Mr. Allan, didn't you?

- Yeah!

- Tell me,

what do you think of him?

- He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard!

A belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming

pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking.

- Really? How delightful. This way.

Pardon me for interrupting your meeting.

Mr. Allan, you remember Fletcher Reede?

- Oh, yes, yes. Nice to see you again, Fletcher.

By the way, I'll be observing you in court this afternoon.

I've been hearing some good things about you.

- Well, Fletcher has been telling me

how much he thinks of you.

Oh, why don't you tell Mr. Allan.

Well, what do you think of him?

- He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard.

A belligerent old fart, a worthless

steaming pile of cow dung.

Figuratively speaking.

- That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard!

You're a real card, Reede! I love a good roast!

Do Simmons!

- Simmons is old!

He should've been out of the game years ago,

but he can't stay home 'cause he hates his wife.

You've met her at the Christmas parties,

she's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard.

And you, Tom, you're the biggest brown nose I've ever seen!

You've got your head so far up Mr. Allan's ass,

I can't tell where you end and he begins!

- Priceless!

- You have bad breath caused by gingivitis.

You couldn't get a porn star off.

Your hairpiece looks like something

that killed crossing the highway.

I don't know whether to comb it

or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it in lime!

Loser!

Idiot!

Wimp!

Degenerate!

Slut!

- I like your style, Reede!

That's just what this stuffy company needs!

A little irreverence!

- Good! I'll see you later, dickhead!

- Dickhead! Priceless!

- Oh! Keep your eye on that boy.

Dickhead!

- Third District Court is now in session.

The Honorable Judge Marshall Stevens presiding.

- Afternoon, Counselors. Are we ready to begin?

- No, sir!

We are not ready to begin,

because my client has not arrived!

- Hurry up! Move it! Move it!

- Mr. Reede!

- Sorry, Your Honor.

- Go, go, go. and Lupe, you keep those kids quiet.

I'm not even close to kidding.

Sorry. Billy threw up in the car.

- You brought your kids to your divorce?

- Sympathy. - Well, it's working.

I feel sorry for them already.

- Miss Appleton, you may begin.

From March 6 through June 12,

I surveilled Mrs. Cole at the behest of Mr. Cole.

During that period, I noted that Mr. Cole

left each day between 7:40 and 7:50.

Thereafter Mrs. Cole would frequently have

a male visitor arrive and stay from one to four hours.

I was able to take several photographs of the male visitor.

- I see.

Do you know what Mrs. Cole and her male visitor

did during these frequent visits?

- Well, they were good about keeping the shades drawn,

but I was able to make a recording of one such session.

- Your Honor, as you are aware,

under the terms of the prenuptial agreement,

if Mrs. Cole commits adultery, she is entitled to nothing.

With your permission, we'd like to play

the following tape recording.

- Oh yeah.

- Its that good to you baby. Here comes Big Daddy!

- Oh, God!

Oh! Do it to me! Do it to me!

Harder! Harder!

- Oh! Come on!

Your Honor, how can it be proved that the male voice

on that tape is not Mr. Cole himself?

- You are such a better lover than my husband! Oh, my God!

- Your Honor, I object!

- And why is that, Mr. Reede?

- Because it's devastating to my case!

- Overruled.

- Good call!

- I gotta go. I still haven't cleaned your pool.

- Your witness.

- All right.

- Well, Mr. Reede, you may proceed.

- How?

Your Honor, would the court be willing

to grant me a short bathroom break?

- Can't it wait?

- Yes, it can.

But I've heard that if you hold it,

you can damage the prostate gland, making it very difficult

to get an erection or even become aroused!

- Is that true?

- It has to be.

- In that case, I better take a little break myself.

But you get back here immediately so we can finish this.

- How am I going to get out of this?

Think.

Think.

Think!

- What the hell are you doing?

- I'm kicking my ass!

Do you mind?

- I found him like this in the bathroom, Your Honor.

Somebody beat the hell out of him.

- Who did this?

- A madman, Your Honor!

A desperate fool at the end of his pitiful rope!

- What did he look like?

- About 6'2", 180 pounds, big teeth, kind of gangly.

- Bailiff, have the deputy search the building.

- Yes, sir.

- Order!

Order!

Under the circumstances,

I have no choice but to recess this case

until 9:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.

Unless, of course, you feel you can still proceed.

Can you?

- Yes,

I can.

- I admire your courage, Mr. Reede.

We'll take a short recess so that you can compose yourself,

and then we'll get started.

- Here you go.

- Hello?

- Dad?

- Max?

How's it going?

- Great, you know Paul and Emanuel from across the street?

- Yeah.

- Well, they never wanna play baseball with me,

but I told them I'm playing tonight with my dad.

So now they wanna play with us. Is that okay?

- Sure. The more the merrier.

- Coolest! Do you wanna be Jose Canseco?

- Oh, yeah.

Who else is gonna hit that famous Nomo slider?

- Mr. Reede.

- I gotta go now, Max.

I'll see you in a couple of hours, okay, all right, bye.

- Bye, dad.

He's really coming! He's really coming! I'm gonna go change.

- Okay, go ahead!

- Yeah!

- Mr. Reede!

- "Mr. Reede! Mr. Reede!"

- This is my lawyer, he's a little unorthodox,

you'll get used to him.

Mr. Reede, you remember Kenneth Falk, the man from the tape.

- How could I forget?

- Hey, how you doing?

- I've slipped into the seventh circle of hell, thank you.

- Shouldn't we be going over our testimony right now?

- Basically, the plan is, I walk you through the tape.

Step by step, I ask you questions--

- Right, and we give the explanation you came up with.

- Exactly.

- So all we are gonna do is lie. That sounds simple.

- Doesn't it!

Then I'll finish up with a dramatic series of questions.

Something like, Mr. Falk, isn't it true

that you and Mrs. Cole have never made...

I can'tdo it.

I can't finish the question if I know the answer is a lie.

- You may proceed, Mr. Reede.

- Respondent calls,

Kenneth Falk.

- Raise your right hand.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

-I do!

I mean...

- I do.

- Mr. Falk.

Do you know my client, Samantha Cole?

- Yes.

Isn't it true that your relationship

with my client is entirely platonic?

I object, Your Honor!

- To yourself?

- Yeah, but I would like to rephrase the question.

Mr. Falk, would I be accurate if I described

your relationship with Mrs. Cole as totally professional?

I object, and I move to strike!

- Mr. Reede, I don't know what you're on,

but you better get to the point, and quick.

- Thank you, sir.

Is your relationship with my client entirely platonic?

Not! Is not your relationship with my client...

Bad baby, bad baby!

Did you ever not make lo... Did you...

- Mr. Reede!

- You had sex with her every time you met, didn't you? Liar!

- He's badgering the witness.

- It's his witness.

- You slammed her! You dunked her donuts!

You gave her dog a Snausage!

You stuffed her like a Thanksgiving turkey!

- All right! All right, it's true! Okay!

I humped her brains out! There, now you happy?

- No further questions.

- No questions.

- You may step down.

Do I dare ask you to call your next witness?

- I have no further witnesses, Your Honor.

- What are you doing? Call me!

- You do not understand. I can't lie.

I can't do anything dishonest until 8:15 tonight!

- Listen, you bastard! I want my money!

I am not going to end up a 31 year old divorcée on welfare,

because my scumbag attorney

had a sudden attack of conscience!

- 31?

- If Mr. Reede has no further witnesses,

then I have no choice but to rule in favor of--

- Your Honor!

I call Samantha Cole to the stand.

- Order.

Order!

Order! - Knock it off!

- Sit down!

Mr. Reede, it is out of sheer morbid curiosity

I'm allowing this freak show to continue.

Mrs. Cole,

if you dare.

- Mrs. Cole,

is this a copy of your driver's license?

- Yes.

- It says here you're a blonde. Are you?

If you don't remember, perhaps Mr. Falk will.

- Brunette.

- We could play the tape again, maybe it's on there.

- I'm a brunette!

- Thank you. Now, let's see.

"Weight, 105?"

Yeah! In your bra.

- Your Honor, I object!

- You would!

- Bastard! - Hag!

- Quiet! Overruled! Weight?

- 118.

All right, fine, fine. I'm 127.

- And it says here you were born in 1964,

but that's not true either, is it?

- Is it? - No.

- Can you tell me what it says here

on your birth certificate under "Date of Birth."

- Your Honor, I object.

What does this have to do with anything?

- Overruled. Mrs. Cole, answer the question.

- "1965."

- Now let me get this straight.

That would mean that you lied about your age

to make yourself older.

But why would any woman wanna do that?

- I changed it so I could get married.

- And the truth shall set you free!

My client lied about her age!

She was only 17 when she got married,

which makes her a minor,

and in the great state of California,

no minor can enter into any legal contract,

without parental consent, including...

- Prenuptial agreements.

- Prenuptial agreements! This contract is void!

The fact that my client has been ridden

more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant.

Standard community property applies

and she is entitled half of the marital assets

or $11.395 million!

Jordan fades back. And that's the game!

Nothing further, Your Honor.

- Order.

Order.

Order!

In light of this new evidence,

the court must rule in favor of Mrs. Cole.

She is hereby awarded half the marital assets.

- The son of a bitch pulled it off!

- I didn't know she was under age!

- It doesn't matter. The contract's void.

- Order. Order.

I understand both parties have agreed

to joint custody, is that correct?

- Yes. - Yes.

- No. I'm contesting custody.

- What?

- If I get sole custody of the kids,

that's another $10,000 in child support payments.

- You just won $11 million!

- Hey, I'm the victim here, you said it yourself.

Now I'm gonna hit him where it hurts.

- But you...

You said he was a good father.

- So?

- Well, Mr. Reede,

do we have an agreement on custody or not?

- No.

- I see.

In that case, there will be

a custody hearing, on the 19th at 9:00 a.m.

Court is adjourned.

- Come on, let's go. - Daddy!

- You stop whining, or I'll give you

something to whine about!

- I wanna go with daddy!

- Oh, come here, kids, come on.

It's all right. Don't you worry.

I promise we'll be together, whatever I have to do.

It's okay. It's okay.

- Oh, for God's sake, will you give me those? They're mine!

Let go of daddy! Let go of him! Let go of daddy!

We're leaving now! Lupe, come on!

Don't you have some checks to write?

You haven't paid for them yet.

- I love children.

They give you so much leverage in a case like this.

You did an incredible job, partner.

Look at him. He's stunned, he can't believe it.

- Your Honor, may I please approach the bench?

- We're adjourned, Mr. Reede.

- Your Honor, I think we've made a big mistake.

- Mr. Reede, I am tired and very cranky.

- I know, but this is just wrong, isn't it?

I manipulated the system, just because you bought it

doesn't mean I'm right, it's a technicality!

- Young man, having my judgment mocked in my own court,

is not something I'm prepared to tolerate!

- Well, maybe you can tell that to the kids

when they're adopted by the Manson family!

- One more word out of you, Mr. Reede,

and I'll hold you in contempt!

- I hold myself in contempt!

Why should you be any different?

- Bailiff, take him away!

- This man is a good father, and children are not leverage!

Oh, no, don't do this!

I have a date to play ball with my son!

I can't be late! It's my last chance!

I'm Jose Canseco!

I'm Jose Canseco!

Phone call! Phone call!

I get a phone call! I get a phone call! I get a phone call!

- Hello?

- Audrey, it's me.

For the love of God, don't hang up!

- I can't talk to you right now.

Our flight leaves at 8:00.

- What?

- I'm taking Max someplace

where you can't do this to him anymore.

- Audrey, wait! The most amazing thing has happened to me.

I swear, I'm a changed man!

Just come to the courthouse with $1,000 and bail me out.

Hello? Hello!

- Time's up, pal.

- No, just one more call. Just one more call.

- Okay. Let's go.

You ready?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Will you get the door, please?

- Okay.

- Thank you.

- Mr. Reede,

you made bail.

- Greta!

Oh! Thank God!

- Am I too late? Have you been sexually molested yet?

Because I could circle the block.

- How did you know I was here?

- One of the other secretaries called me at home,

said you went all noble in front of Mr. Allan.

- Yeah, I think I'm fired. Isn't that great?

Maybe I'll start my own firm. Do you need a job?

- I don't think you can afford me.

- Oh man, I got to get my car.

Audrey's on her way to the airport.

I could lose Max forever.

I can't let that happen. I love him!

You know, this truth stuff is pretty cool.

I love my son!

I love my son!

I love my son!

I love my son!

Hey, need some change? Take everything!

But it's not gonna make you happy.

I love my son!

I love my son!

I love my son!

- Hey, there you are! - Hi.

- Just in time.

Oh! This is the happiest moment of my entire life.

- Oh!

Well, mine...

Well, ours also.

- Hey, Gipper. I have something for you, young man.

Oh! Watch yourself, it's the claw!

Oh! The claw's coming at you.

Oh! You're scared of the claw. You're scared of the claw.

- Jerry.

Jerry.

It's okay. You don't have to...

- Tower Air flight 1511 to Boston is now boarding.

- That's us. - Yeah.

- You ready to go?

- Yes. You ready?

Okay. - Great.

- Excuse me!

What gate is flight 1511 leaving from? It's an emergency!

- Gate number 123, but you'll never make it.

The flight's already boarding.

It takes a half hour to get through security.

If you wanna go to Boston, there's another flight

leaving tomorrow morning at 7:00.

Flight number 120...

- Lady and gentlemen, welcome aboard

flight 1511, from Los Angeles to Boston's Logan Airport.

We'll be departing shortly, if you need help...

- Honey, can I help you with those?

- I'm fine.

- Are you sure?

- Jerry, I can open the bag!

- Would you like anything to drink before takeoff?

- Yes. Anything with alcohol, please.

- Audrey.

- Now, if you'll focus on the screen

ahead of you, we will be running the safety video.

- How about that drink?

- Max!

Max!

Max!

Wait!

- That ought to do it.

Hey!

- Thanks! It's running great!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Max!

I'm coming!

Max!

Max!

Max! Where are you?

- I love you.

- Thank you.

- That wasn't exactly the answer I was looking for.

- Thank you very much.

I'm sorry. It's just--

- Too fast? It was too fast, wasn't it?

- No, it's--

- Chemistry? Whatever it is, we can work on it.

- No, no, no. It's just that--

- Oh my God, it's Fletcher!

- No, no. This has nothing to do with Fletcher

- It's Fletcher. - What?

- Dad?

- I made it! I'm late, but I made it!

- What is he doing?

- He came to see us off. Wave.

- I won't let you go!

Oh! Shit!

- Control 19, this is Tower 1511 heavy, ready for takeoff.

- Hey!

- What was that?

- Looked like a shoe.

- Pull over!

Pull this thing over!

- Control 19, some idiot has hijacked a flight of stairs.

We're gonna stopping this plane.

- 19 Control, we copy.

- Yeah!

Yeah

You people are all doing a wonderful job!

- That's far enough, folks.

- Yeah, he's my husband. He was my husband.

- All right, go ahead.

Okay.

Max, you stay here with Jerry, and I'll be right back, okay.

- Audrey! - Fletcher!

- Great news!

Both my legs are broken,

so they can't take me right to jail.

- Fletcher, what were you doing? Are you out of your mind?

- No, I'm thinking clear. I've never been this clear!

- Dad?

- Creep.

- He was getting kind of upset.

- Are you all right?

- Yeah.

I'm hurting here, though.

I'm a dope, Max.

All this time, you've been here,

and I could see you anytime I felt like it, but I didn't.

Then your mom told me you were moving to Boston,

and I started thinking.

I could be sitting around sometime and

wanna look at you and hold you and play with you,

and I won't be able to.

I don't think I'm gonna do too well with that.

I love you more than anything else in the world, Max,

and you know it's true.

I couldn't say it if it wasn't true, not today.

I love you, and I'll never hurt you again.

- He's telling the truth, mom. He's not allowed to lie.

I made a wish, and anything

dad says today has to be the truth.

- Max.

It's 8:45.

You made the wish at 8:15.

I've been able to lie for the last half-hour.

- So you weren't-- - No, it was the truth!

I just wanted to be honest with you.

I always wanna be honest with you.

- Mom,

do we have to go to Boston?

- No, Max, you don't have to go.

- I, on the other hand, do have to, a hospital to run.

That's an open-ended ticket if you ever change your mind.

- Thank you.

- Looks like he's got his father back.

- Yeah.

- Okay, Max, make a wish.

- Ah! Wait! I don't know if we should do this.

- Oh, Fletcher, come on.

What are the odds of that happening again?

- Yeah, I guess you're right.

Okay, Max, go ahead.

- Mom? Dad?

- Max!

Did you wish for your mom and I to get back together again?

- No, I wished for Roller blades.

- Do you wanna cut the cake,

dad?

- I'd love to.

But I have this horrible pain in my arm.

- Oh! No! It's the claw!

- No one can stop the claw!

No one can stop it!

Nothing can stop the claw!

If I was a boxer I would

bounce those things like Sugar Ray Leonard.

I'm sorry.

You brought your kids to your divorce?

- Sympathy. - Well, It's working!

I feel sorry for them already.

For this you will pay a terrible price.

Well, it's working! I feel sorry for them already.

Mrs. Cole.

A goose!

Including...

- Prenuptial agreements.

- Prenuptial agreements!

No! I'd have got him $10,000.

- Good-bye, Mr. Reede.

- No! Wait! I didn't understand...

Shit. I can't do it.

Now, let's see.

"Weight, 105?"

Yeah, in your bra.

- Your Honor, I object!

- You would!

- Over actor! - Jezebel!

- He put me up to it. Tom Shadyac.

- Yeah, sure he did.

- Oh, he did.

- Oh, no.

They're onto me.