Original subtitles

This is German TV with the Tagesschau news program.

Today in the USA, one of NASA's most ambitious space projects has begun.

The space probe, Voyager, launched from Cape Canaveral,

will explore the boundaries of our planetary system.

On board, an array of cameras, sensors and the Golden Record,

which contains Einstein's theories, music from Chuck Berry,

and greetings in 60 languages.

In addition, the disc contains selected video recordings about human history,

in case it is found by alien life.

While passing Uranus the interstellar probe Voyager II

discovered another ring around the planet.

Voyager II continues its journey on the other side of Uranus...

Voyager II sent new images of Neptune to the ground control in California.

The probe launched in 1977 and will exit our solar system in three years.

There is no evidence of alien life.

THE HISTORY OF MANKIND

(SLIGHTLY ABRIDGED)

JANUARY 27, 2050

Oh, it's started. Okay.

Steve, is it running?

Okay-

Hello. Greetings.

My name is Dr. Gerhard Friedle, and I work

for the American space agency, NASA,

on the planet Earth.

If you can see me right now, you probably have more than just an eye.

You'll very likely be a highly developed alien species

that has found our Voyager II probe.

I, Dr. Gerhard Friedle,

have the important historical task

of instructing you on the history of our home planet, Earth,

and on our species, humankind, in brief.

So, then, if we meet in a few eons,

we can shake each other's...

tentacles, hooves, flippers...

Whatever growths you have.

Without wanting to offend you, those things can be terribly unsightly.

Just kidding.

Let's start from the very beginning.

My species hasn't always been as highly intelligent

and gorgeous as the specimen speaking to you now.

No.

Life on Earth began quite primitively 3.8 billion years ago,

with single-celled organisms,

near the hot volcanic deep-sea smokers

in our oceans.

Hey, what's a sweet unicellular thing like you doing here all alone?

-Aw, please no! -What's up?

What do you say we replicate?

Thanks, but I'll manage alone.

Sure, but I heard we could become far more complex

if we combined genetic material.

You could do with that for sure.

Huh? Ah, funny.

Right.

Come on, duplicating alone is totally lame

and makes you dumb.

Look at them, after millions of years.

Hello!

-Replicate! -Replicate.

Uh... Okay.

I mean, okay, we can give it a try.

Yo, nice! Then...

let's go, baby! Yeah!

-Is this kicking, or what? -Whoa! Ew!

Fresh! Have we got it going on, or what?

What's going on?

Oh, jeez! We're mutating!

-Mu... What? -What I was just going on about, dude.

We're moving to the next level of evolution.

-Cool, right? -Cool?

What if we eventually develop into highly complex beings

who rise to the top of the food chain, oppress all other life forms

and ruthlessly exploit Earth's resources until it's more dismal than it is now?

Huh?

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, but it's like big-time unlikely

that's exactly what will occur, right?

Sadly, that's just what occurred.

Despite ice ages, meteorite impacts, and slightly higher PM levels...

40,000 BCE - LASCAUX CAVE

mammals managed to spread across the globe.

First and foremost, humans,

who conquered the planet like weeds.

In the end, two competing species remained.

Homo neanderthalensis,

the Neanderthal,

and Homo sapiens.

But only one species should prevail.

Look at those stupid flat brows.

Yeah, and how their chins barely protrude sure makes me laugh.

Greetings.

We come from the north,

seeking warmer territories where we can settle.

Why is it allowed to speak?

Men and women are equal in our tribe.

And why shouldn't they be?

Sure, right. Why shouldn't they be'?

May I make a proposal?

Why can't our two groups just live here together in peace?

And females and males being equal is a good idea too.

Um, sorry for the incident.

Us living together is out of the question.

Why?

It would be of great benefit to you if our peoples mixed.

-I don't understand. -Yes, I'd say that's exactly why.

If my eyes don't deceive me, you use extremely primitive tools.

You're not settled.

And you don't even bury your feces yet.

-What's wrong with that? -It transmits disease.

Who says?

97 percent of shamans agree that feces transmit disease.

Yeah, but we know one shaman who says that's total nonsense.

Your shamans are just screwing with us. Not with us!

Liars!

Lying shamans!

Lying shamans! Lying shamans!

Lying shamans!

Man, just listen!

In the name of reason,

let us establish a society together

that relies on prudence, reason, logic and the laws of nature.

So that we can continually evolve

and become an intelligent and peaceful species.

Yes, a society in which men and women are equal,

one without discrimination,

that lives in harmony with nature and our planet.

Well?

One tribe must die.

We'll decide that as we always do.

We'll play round stone, pointy stone, flat stone.

Just wait.

You can start. You are the alpha male.

You have lord's right.

-See! There you go. -Now then.

-This is madness, this is! -Looks like we won.

But, again, you may live here in peace with us.

No, if you lose, you lose. Grab your clubs, people.

Beat whoever's next to you to death.

You have a nice day.

That works too.

Right, we're moving on.

But burying your feces did sound like sensible advice.

And so the dumber, more aggressive link in our ancestral chain survived,

and continued its rise to the top of the food chain.

But even the stupid Homo sapiens eventually settled.

They learned how to cook food.

And they invented tools, such as the hammer,

the plough

and, of course, the wheel.

The...

Oh, that was... That was just a Halloween costume.

You can't even... Steve, there'll be consequences.

Where was I?

Oh, yes. Humans also invented many other useful things.

For example, weapons, wars and borders.

SHANDONG PROVINCE 7TH CENTURY BCE

One of the most impressive borders was built on the Asian continent.

Earth's very famous and well-loved,

Great Wall of China.

To construct this monumental structure,

they called together the most skilled artisans in the world.

Both of them.

Well, lick me sideways. That was one hell of a ride.

Lots of land here. Eh, Horst?

-Do we give them fellas a tip? -Nope, that's impolite.

I'd say so.

Ah, here's our welcoming party.

Howdy!

Konopke Builders from Berlin. This is my colleague Jürgen.

-Ni hao-llo there! -Oh and travel expenses come on top.

First, I welcome you to the Middle Kingdom.

-Apropos middle... Isn't it midday? -You said it.

-What's the plan, pal? -Well ...

the Emperor has a vision.

Must be from the old incense sticks.

Or from all the MSG in the food.

-We wish him a speedy recovery. -Yeah.

Emperor Qin Shi Huang wishes to have a wall along the border of his empire.

A wall?

Here, in the middle of China?

Well, I'm out.

Because that belongs to Mr. Ching, and that over there to Mr. Chong?

They're round the bend. Come on, let's scram.

Why do you want a wall here?

I could picture a wall in Berlin one day,

but why would anyone have any intention to build a wall here?

No getting a foundation into this dang permafrost.

Was that in his fortune cookie?

A slipped disc is just what I need.

No, we can cut this short.

This idea is bonkers. Not interested.

-Your refusal will aggrieve the Emperor. -Yep. We can live with that.

Sadly, you can't.

As you now know the Emperor's secret, I must have you buried alive.

Yeah, well...

I mean, a wall could look good out here.

Yeah, it's got something, Horst.

With all this green,

and the rock.

Plonk the beast down right here. It's a dream.

The Emperor wishes the wall to be visible from the moon.

-Sure, we'd have done that anyway. -It's standard practice.

I thank you, Master Konopke.

Can you assure me you'll finish by the Year of the Dragon?

Well...

What year is it now?

Rat, ox, tiger, rabbit... pig, I think.

That's going to be a tight pair of pants,

but Konopke Builders never let anyone down.

Good. Send a messenger to me when you finish.

-You got it. -He can bring #87 with peanut sauce too.

I'm just joking.

13 YEARS LATER IN THE YEAR OF THE DRAGON (655 BCE)

Son of a bitch, Horst! That was hard work.

You don't say.

Only those ass-chewers in Babylon were loonier, with their hanging gardens.

Customers!

Payman & Sons.

Been a while.

But I remember that face.

I bear greetings from the Emperor.

-Back at him. -The customer's king, or Emperor here.

But where... where is the wall?

Sorry, cart's blocking it. Jürgen, he wants to see the wall.

And he should.

On three. Three!

One Wall of China...

Right,

here's the beaut'.

I'd have been surprised if it had skedaddled.

-But... -Ah!

I think this architectural masterpiece has left Mr. Lee speechless.

-For good reason, Horst. -Architectural masterpiece?

I said the Emperor wants a wall that's visible from the moon!

Oh! I see.

Visible from the moon.

I guess we got our wires crossed.

We built it so you can see the moon from the wall.

And that works just dandy.

Yeah. Look.

Moon. Works like a charm.

It was supposed to be 15 meters high and at least 2,000 kilometers long!

Yet another misunderstanding.

Maybe it's the language barrier.

-You don't speak clear Berlin dialect. -Great.

That's what happens when customers are unclear.

Say hi to your emperor, but that's the last job Konopke has done for you.

Indeed.

Right, a proposal as a sign of goodwill.

We'll be glad to put another row on top as a courtesy.

-Or two! -Well, don't overdo it, Jürgen.

It has to be worth our while.

While people in China spent the next centuries

constructing walls and deconstructing human rights,

another trend took off in Europe,

philosophy-

POLIS, ATHENS 421 BCE

Greek philosophers were the rock stars of their era.

My fellow Greeks! We welcome you to Monsters of Philo!

Here, in the Old Bifteki in Athens.

Welcome the three freshest philosophers we have.

Here are Aristoteles, Plato

and Socrates!

Are you ready for rhetoric?

Ready for the lexical semantics of the most influential sophists?

-Take it off! -Ready for...

...philosophy?

You're the hottest!

Okay, friends!

Today, we have a few systems theory approaches.

Really sick ones! Are you ready?

Here we go!

The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

That's right!

Knowing oneself is the first of all sciences.

Awesome!

He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool.

-Avoid him. -I will!

Plato, I'm think you're totally great!

Let him that would move the world

first move himself.

He who wants to build high towers must dwell long on the foundation.

Socrates! Socrates!

Socrates...

Okay, that's it for today. Get home safely.

Next week we'll be in Pompeii at the Dance on the Volcano Festival!

Don't let the Romans enslave you!

Yeah! Screw the Romans!

Encore!

Encore!

-Shall we do an encore? -No way.

Encore! Encore!

That wasn't it, was it?

They weren't even on for ten minutes.

I saw them in Sparta and it was the same. Always eight minutes.

-A quarter drachma for that? -Who cares. It was awesome all the same.

Yes, super awesome!

You, you and... you.

Up for some fun backstage?

Come on.

What about me?

Oh, sorry, sweetheart.

Yes!

Even in ancient Greece, not everything was democratic,

even if they had the crazed idea to give all the power to the people.

To ensure not everyone would dream of endless power

a few especially able representatives of Homo sapiens invented something

that gave them absolute power and enslaved everyone else.

Something they could use to sell even the biggest bunkum as truth.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Commercial break.

Move, you lazy dogs!

We all know the problem.

Hello, I'm Mentuhotep ll,

and I'm a pharaoh in the 9th dynasty.

Here, in ancient Egypt.

Until now, my ancestors were buried in primitive rock-cut tombs.

I'm sure you've experienced this situation too.

I'm Rufus lronpelt from the ancient Celtic tribe,

here in beautiful Gaul.

Until now, we couldn't explain crop failures due to erratic weather.

I'm sure you're familiar with this too.

And I am Patros Papadopoulos.

I don't like to work much, but am still ravenously hungry most of the time.

I like to live the high life.

Is there something to solve all of our problems?

Yes, there is.

Because now there is religion.

NEW!

Use your made-up gods to have slaves build you a phat pyramid in the desert.

Move! Move!

Your key to immortality.

I'm already in my mid-20s.

Blame the gods for natural disasters right now

and placate them by simply sacrificing a virgin.

Of course, I'll keep the pretty ones for myself.

But religion can do so much more.

Threaten Divine retribution to get whatever you want from anyone,

without any recompense.

Just marvelous.

The perfect solution for me.

Yes, religion starts where common sense stops.

Religion, for a better life

Religion, for a better life.

Only for the elite who have no qualms about using a fictive being

to oppress, exploit, kill and get rich off others.

The invention of religion was an immediate hit.

29 CE

A young carpenter's son from Palestine welcomed this new tool as an alternative

to an apprenticeship involving nonsense like physical labor and early mornings.

Right, I'll try it again, differently.

Jesus of Nazareth, due to...

well, I'll call them "unusual" circumstances,

I find myself in the thankless situation of having

to charge you with high treason against the Roman people.

I shall again give you the reasonable and simple opportunity

to officially recant your claim to be King of the Jews,

by which you put yourself above Roman sovereignty in Palestine.

Can I now, in order to avoid greater and, above all, unnecessary hassle,

count on your insight and good judgement?

What is he asking? If he can count on my good judgement?

There's only one answer to that.

Kiss my ass!

You stupid Pig!

This is unbelievable!

I'm nearly 30 years old.

I won't bear the cross of having some illiterate tell me this hogwash.

Hands off me! I can endure this alone.

Your behavior is so inept and idiotic.

You should know that I'm quite easy to deal with.

-I tried. -When you're careful with me.

Watch as I wash my hands of...

He was annoying me.

Ow!

You're hurting me.

Delinquents, the court has found you guilty of high treason.

And so, you are to be tied with soft silk cloths

to this cross,

until your wrists get rubbed up real bad

and you repent your sins.

However, not for more than 20 minutes

as that can lead to cardiovascular issues and sunstroke.

What was that?

Did you hear that? What an asshole! Tying us!

With damnable silk cloths.

Nail me to it, I say.

Go, Judas, get the hammer and the rusty nails you were to bring.

-Are you out of your mind? -That's why you wanted these?

That's bound to hurt like hell.

Another wise guy, eh?

You've got enough to do deal with.

How is a guy supposed to become a martyr for all of Christianity,

when he's tied up with these goddamn silk cloths?

Water? Anyone thirsty? Cloths too tight? Sunblock?

No, thanks. All good here.

Go on, Judas. We don't have all day. And you...

-I'm John. -All the same to me. Go!

Make me a crown of thorns, but only use big, sharp ones.

I want the blood to really stream down my kisser.

-I can't watch. I'm out. -Scram, you idiot!

You don't have any purpose here anyway.

I want people to be scared shitless

at the sight of the mere symbol of my selfless sacrifice.

You got me?

Here. It sure rubs, doesn't it?

Definitely.

You can almost see pressure marks on my wrists.

I've definitely learned my lesson.

-Once again, thank you so much. -Oh!

What'? Pressure marks?

Clear off with your damn pressure marks, you wussy!

Judas and whoever you are, listen to me.

Wait till I'm unconscious, then drag me to that damn cave I showed you.

And tell everyone that I died on the cross for their sins.

And roll a stone in front of it, but don't make it too big, you cretins.

I'm just the Son of God, not Hercules.

-Should we really do that? -Of course!

You bunch of morons!

-He's not all there. -Really.

I heard that.

Judas.

You traitor!

You...

ass...

hole!

A slightly sugar-coated version of that was recorded and passed on to humanity.

But, all in all, his cunning plan was a success.

Conveniently enough, Christianity was born along with Jesus Christ.

It had no use for logic, reason and such baloney.

We touched on that earlier.

Over the ensuing centuries, it continued to stick a hand blender

into the toilet bowl of history,

to formulate it somewhat rudely.

A few peoples in the far north refused to be proselytized.

COAST OF SUSSEX 933 CE

Their attacks consisted of a lively mix of violence, destruction and barbarity.

Most feared was the famous Viking leader

Erik the Red.

Men.

Before we attack the village, I wanted to talk to you again.

There's been an uptick in complaints recently.

How should I put this?

Unfortunately, there is growing criticism that we are too...

violent.

Don't get me wrong, violence is part of it.

And when it comes to shoving a guy's own gonads in his mouth,

I'm not one to get on my moral high horse.

On the other hand, this isn't the 9th century anymore.

No, the 10th.

Times change.

Violence is a great thing, no doubt, but it can't be an end in itself.

But we can still gouge out those damn Scots' eyes, right?

Yes, yes. But only if you have to.

Yeah, but then with a red-hot iron rod.

Now that's a good example Uwe's given us.

Maybe using a knife will do.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, all right. But it'll eventually lose its appeal.

-It sizzles so nicely. -Yes, I know.

Can we still burn women in front of their husbands?

Tough call. Not really.

What'?

-Husbands in front of their wives? -Nah.

Burning people in front of their families,

I'd really like to cut back on that kind of thing.

Seriously?

But then we really can't do anything anymore.

On the topic of women, I'll just say this now.

We've received criticism that men are too dominant in our group.

So from now on we'll pillage with 20 percent women.

That's crazy.

-You can't be serious! -That's it.

We put up with a lot, but pillaging with women?

They aren't even capable...

Thank you, Gudrun. Now the proportion is just about right.

Question. How about quartering? Can we still do that?

Her too now. Great.

We have the same right to act like brutal imbeciles as men do.

It's a big ask, but it's often about how you package things.

For example,

after cutting off someone's ears, just ask them if they want a drink.

Or wish them a lovely day.

Small gestures often go a long way.

Sorry, but I really have to say, we often get very little in return.

A thanks for only gouging out one eye, forget about it.

The faces they make.

I'm with you. Both sides have to make concessions.

Yeah.

Okay, can we finally attack that filthy village now?

Yes, Gudrun. That's why we're here.

Valhalla!

Hey! Can you be a little quieter.

Lots of them have little sleeping kids. Now think, people.

So, Val...

halla.

Valhalla.

Great. Really good, people. Let's go.

A laudable exception, yet Europe was on its way to a sociocultural low point.

People literally lived in their own excrement.

A state that would repeat itself at Woodstock centuries later.

Prayer was often the only resort.

O Lord, we thank you.

Thank you for putting us through endless trials

that allow us to prove our faith in you.

Thank you for allowing my father to give his life for you in the Holy War,

and for keeping my husband at sea for seven years

so that I can prove that I can raise our twelve children on my own.

Thank you for having little Timmy's arm torn off in the mill,

so we were given the gift of valuing our unscathed bodies all the more.

Thank you that our oldest was charged with heresy, imprisoned and tortured

so she had the chance to return to the right path.

Thank you for taking mother's sight in order to sharpen her other senses.

Thank you that you have at least spared my husband Klaus,

who will hopefully soon return unscathed and with great riches from the sea...

Come to the harbor. They've caught Klaus Störtebeker!

And now they're going to execute him.

Of course.

HAMBURG HARBOR AUGUST 13, 1401

Klaus Störtebeker, first privateer for the Hansa, then freelance pirate.

Ah, there he is!

He eventually got into trouble and was arrested for bogus self-employment.

For that, and for a few massacres on the high seas.

Klaus, you sexy thing!

Before us...

are Klaus Störtebeker and his companions,

to finally be executed for their evil deeds.

They will finally meet their maker.

-Cool, I've always wanted to meet him. -I hope he can hold his liquor.

Look at them! They still smirk about their evil deeds.

Yes, to keep this do from getting lame. Some entertainment.

-You could pardon us for that. -He could.

You want entertainment?

Well, then. How about this?

I shall pardon every one of your men

that you can walk past after you've been beheaded.

How does that sound to the strong and amusing pirate?

After I've been beheaded? But...

Won't I be as dead as a doornail?

That's right! How stupid of me.

What can we do about that? Ah! Now I know.

If that's too difficult,

then just walk past them all before you're beheaded.

Would that be more to the genteel Mr. Störtebeker's liking?

That sure is better.

I mean, if it's no trouble.

Of course we won't do that! You'll be beheaded.

Then we'll see how far loudmouth Störtebeker gets.

-Wait, that's not what you just said. -Not at all.

Before he's beheaded he gets to walk past us, before.

-You all heard that too, right? -Yes.

-That's true. -Yes. Yes.

But that was meant ironically.

Yeah, well, that wasn't clear at all.

Of course it was. That was obviously irony.

It was stressed completely differently.

All showy and exaggerated.

I didn't pick up on that.

No, neither did i.

I don't give a damn. Executioner, perform your duty.

Sorry, I have to side with Mr. Störtebeker.

-I didn't hear any irony either. -Yes.

For God's sake! I spoke in a completely exaggerated tone:

"Oh! If it's better,

then walk past them all before you're beheaded."

-You see! He said it again. -Yes!

To show you idiots the difference!

-Well, he's got nerve! -Careful with your choice of words.

Be polite.

There's a difference if I say, "Klaus Störtebeker can walk past his men

before he's beheaded."

Or if I say, "Of course

he can walk past them before he's beheaded."

-He just said it twice! -He keeps saying it, Mom.

Am I the last person in this city with any sense?

You have to be able to hear the difference.

No, not at all.

You know what? I'll walk past my men after I've been beheaded.

I can't bear this nitpicking anymore.

-Klaus, are you nuts? -Michel.

Mr. Smartass is getting on my nerves. "Ironic, not ironic."

What do I know? I'm a pirate, not a teacher.

Besides, there are eleven of you. Know how far that is?

And with my heel spur? No, come on. Let's go.

Honestly, I don't think it's right, Mr. Störtebeker.

That's sweet. But I have to get this over with.

Just take a bit off the back.

Klaus, stop this!

Think of the crew!

Quiet! Quiet!

He's made his decision!

Headsman, now.

Was that meant seriously or was it irony again?

Strike immediately.

Or you'll be the next one lying there.

That is not meant ironically.

He's standing up!

Klaus! Come here!

This is the last chance.

Come here! Come to me! Klaus!

Klaus, I'm over here. Come this way.

A little clumsy.

Right, that clears that up.

Who's next?

Wait, I have a better idea.

You're all pardoned,

just because.

-What? -Yes!

Long live the mayor!

Long live Klaus Störtebeker!

Ah, we're back. Good work. Keep it up.

The Middle Ages lasted around 1,000 years.

It was an age when the entire world came to a bit of a standstill.

But progress cannot be kept at bay forever.

Care for an example?

This cassette can store almost 40 minutes of music.

Unbelievable. A few years ago that would've been unimaginable.

Or, take nuclear power.

Clean, safe, efficient.

A cutting-edge reactor just went online in Fukushima.

Those lucky devils.

If all goes well, we'll have them all over the place soon.

Even in human history, there was no stopping the future.

European rulers sent their explorers across the world's oceans

to conquer foreign lands.

Leading the way, the great seafarer, Christopher Columbus.

Captain's log.

ATLANTIC MARCH 31, 1492

Three months at sea and still no sign of the Indian continent.

I must deliver for Queen Isabella soon, for I'm getting the impression

that a certain lack of discipline is creeping in amongst the crew.

Still no land in sight.

Damn.

What is it?

Not again.

Very funny. Really, incredibly witty.

Clean that off!

Land!

Land ho!

Here, Capitàn

It's true! Land!

That must be India.

So I was right. Compadres, we...

A leather patch shaped like a land mass.

Very funny, really.

It's killing me. But that's enough!

Got it?

I'll keelhaul you all!

I promised Queen Isabella I'd find a westward sea route to India.

And that and nothing else is what we'll do.

-Is that clear? -Yes, Capitàn

-Give me my compass. -Here, Capitàn

The letters are loose.

You swapped North and South!

We've been sailing in the wrong direction all this time!

Who did that?

I asked who did that. I demand an answer!

That was me, mon capitàn

-It was a little joke. -A little joke?

This isn't a joke. Spending months sailing in the wrong...

Land ho, Capitàn

Yes, of course.

And dumb old Columbus falls for it a third time.

No! Really, Capitàn. Look!

-A welcoming committee. -There!

It's true.

A boat full of natives.

Good Lord.

Men, ready the ship.

-Let's welcome the Indians. -Si, Capitàn.

I knew it.

-Oh! -The Queen.

Mi reina.

Queen Isabella. What...

I'm sorry.

This was all my idea.

India!

The opportunity was just too good to pass up.

You're still just off the coast of Portugal.

We sailed around in circles the whole time.

But don't worry, Columbus. We've found the westward sea route.

And even discovered a new continent while doing so.

We're calling it America.

-America!

America.

Oh, come on Columbus. Don't be offended.

It was just a harmless little joke.

-Columbus! -It's okay, mi reina

We put out the net of rotten sardines in front of the bulwark.

Gross! You swine!

Rum for everyone!

Yes, colonialism.

It was bad for some, the exploitation, slavery, genocide and all.

But, eventually, the way was paved for ideas of enlightenment.

I don't mean dirty magazines, I mean the Renaissance.

FLORENCE 1504

So much painting was done in Florence that Renaissance flea markets popped up.

Who is the ugly old fart in that painting?

Pretty darn vain.

Look, Mario, four arms and legs.

Well, maestro, looks like you were seeing double.

What kind of a monstrosity is this'?

This, you philistine, is true sculpture.

It's worked so delicately, the marble feels exquisite and...

the realism.

You are a true master.

Michelangelo, Contessa. Grazie That's my "David."

Yes, but it's not especially realistic.

The proportions. Don't you agree?

It's a bit big.

-What's too big? -What do you mean, Mario?

-You think the statue is too big? -No.

His... Well, the... His...

That“

The...

The thing.

His penis, for crying out loud!

-His penis? -Too big?

-Why too big? -If I may, Signore

If I myself were going to find fault with this statue,

then that would be that the penis is disproportionately small.

Disproportionately small!

Silvio? Giuseppe?

Yes, now that you say so,

Michelangelo, it's true it is

a little bit small.

Proprio piccolo, signore.

I chose the size cautiously.

To ensure that certain men who perhaps aren't as well endowed

don't feel inferior.

I think it's exactly right.

Don't let my fiance make you feel insecure.

Yes! Yes, I completely agree with that.

It is a very small member.

Pitifully small, actually.

I just worry about prudish Florentine society, you know?

But if you like him, my darling...

-Oh, sorry. Can you glue it back on? -No.

This statue was carved from the single block of Carrara marble.

-It's impossible. -It was an accident. Here.

For your troubles.

Right, we're moving on. We're moving on!

I'm coming!

Damn aristocrats, huh?

I'm so sorry about your "David," Michelangelo.

Oh, whatever. I'll knock his gonads off too.

Maybe I can turn that stub into...

a teeny-tiny penis.

Yes, maybe penises will be so incredibly small in the future

that it seems totally normal.

Just joking.

Developments in art expressed newfound human self-awareness.

People suddenly wondered if it was really okay

to toil 14 hours in a stinking tannery for half a spoon of flour a day,

while the nobility bored itself with pie fights.

In France, there was no stopping revolution.

Thanks first and foremost to one man,

Joseph Guillotin.

I wasn't even in school yet

And Little Puss was my favorite pet

Snip-snap, how I severed the tail

From her

And blowing up frogs

Taking little bunnies' ears off

The mil/stone crunched up Many a cute critter

I recognized my talent at an early stage

God-given it was, and then...

My hobby became my job

And when the blade drops

For an instant the whole world stops

Butterflies soar all around

From the heavens to the ground

When necks are pierced by steel

What an unimaginable joy I feel

Both money and sex it tops

When the blade drops

Hats off! The head comes right off

It was tough But now the machine does it

Hats off! Boy, how it's kicked off

You can get appointments At the last minute

Look, a souvenir for the cabinet

Per capita pay means I'll get rich yet

Red, black or blonde, the rate is set

-Let's hear it... -. . . for my little guillotine

Here comes the King!

I am Louis X-V-l And I was chillin' on my throne

Now we've got splatter goin' on With this revolution

A device you stick body parts into How whack!

All at once six kilos lighter How awesome is that?

Playin' soccer with my own head

Would be a hoot

And this nasty acne Would be gone to boot

So if you need someone As a research object...

Good idea! Take him.

What'? I wasn't being serious.

Don't you get it, you idiots?

I'm Louis XVI!

Yes, but headless.

And when the blade drops

For an instant the whole world stops

Butterflies soar all around

From the heavens to the ground

When necks are pierced by steel

What an unimaginable joy I feel

Look here a pup tent.

When the blade drops

The blade drops

Merde.

A real earworm, isn't it?

The guillotine put an end to the monarchy,

but not to the senseless carnage in Europe.

No wonder so many people were fed up and wanted to emigrate to America.

And if you're going to get there by ship,

why not on the legendary Titanic?

Well, it did sink on its maiden journey.

300 NAUTICAL MILES OFF NEWFOUNDLAND APRIL 14, 1912

And the person responsible for that was the captain himself.

Captain on the bridge. Gentlemen.

May I introduce Jessica to you? She's starting her internship today.

-Good evening, young lady. -Jessica, I just had an excellent idea.

How about you take the helm tonight?

-Fine by me. -Great. All right then.

-You're joking, right, sir? -Of course not.

The next generation has to learn it eventually. Jessica?

Sir, the world's biggest ship? In the dark, and fully loaded?

You have to learn sometime.

But you would have to look at the sea, young lady.

Sorry, I can't. One of my nails just broke.

A nail broke off. Well, that obviously has priority.

Sir, iceberg ahead. North-northwest.

Huh? An ice bear? Like a polar bear? They're so cute.

Yes, if only it were.

No, Mr. Johnson means an iceberg, Jessica.

An iceberg.

Oh! Boring.

Indeed.

An iceberg.

It sure is a Whopper.

Well, that was to be expected around here.

-Sir, maybe you should take the... -No.

Tonight our intern is doing everything.

Right, take a look.

A good mile ahead there actually appears to be an iceberg.

-Seems we're headed right for it. -Sir!

-I suggest... -Shh! What do you suggest?

Evade it?

Or shall we push it aside?

It keeps getting bigger-

That's right. The iceberg keeps getting bigger.

Of course, that isn't actually true.

It just looks like it's getting bigger

because as we keep getting closer to it,

it covers more of our field of vision.

-Sir, I have to insist that you... -She has to learn this on her own.

-How annoying. I'm not dumb. -No.

-Just ignore him. -Sir.

Change course now or we won't be able to evade it.

Ah, evade it.

Of course.

Damn it! She was meant to figure that out herself.

And I would have.

I know that, Jessica. And I know why you did that, Miller!

You're afraid she has more talent and could replace you.

-More talent? -You're a ruthless careerist!

-You can't bear sharing the spotlight. -How do I evade it?

You'll have to explain some... Hey! The fatty touched me!

Away from the helm, Johnson!

-She has to learn! -You're crazy, Smith!

-Did I do that? -No.

The responsibility lies solely with our incompetent and envious officers.

-Man! This isn't any fun anymore. -I can understand that.

See this? You've ruined Jessica's desire to work on her first day as an intern.

She just ran the world's most expensive ship into an iceberg!

Yeah, so? Is it broken now, or what?

No. It is not, Jessica.

The Titanic is unsinkable.

Captain, water has breached sections one to four of the lower deck.

-We can't keep her afloat. -We have to evacuate now!

-So we're all going to drown? -No.

Great internship.

No, we won't drown. We still have our lifeboats.

And you worked out how many we needed just before we set sail, right?

Johnson! Miller! Where are you going?

You're supposed to practice knots with Jessica.

Down it went, the dream many aboard had to emigrate to America.

That wasn't a bad idea, considering World War I started soon after.

It was, however, so well received that a sequel followed.

But we'll get to that.

Yet the World War I was decided on what is known as the Western Front.

There, French and German soldiers faced off from the trenches

in a bitter battle for victory.

Damn it! They're just not letting up.

What are they doing there?

-They're all women. -What?

Cease fire! Cease fire!

Get back there now, or you'll be shot!

Cease fire!

Cease fire! There are civilians out there.

Hey! Go! Get out of here!

You have to go back!

They're crazy!

I'll go.

What'? The Germans will slaughter you!

Marc, we can't let those women die.

Damn!

This is madness, this is!

Those are our women, Hans. I have to try!

Oh, damn!

Gerhaaaaard!

Hey, finally!

A few dishy soldiers are coming.

Don't move!

Whoa!

He's cute.

Who are you? What are you doing here?

Get out of here! Go on, beat it!

You wish.

The party's only just kicking off!

Elke is putting on shackles today!

Hello. Bonjour

But before that happens,

we're going to party till the grenades go off!

'Right, girls? —Woo!

Elke! Elke! Elke!

Don't you get it? You're right between the frontlines!

In God's name, who are they?

They're having bachelorette party.

ELKE'S GETTING MARRIED

-Adieu de célibataire. -Moi.

What'? Here? During a battle?

Oh, you can go back to fighting soon.

But first, you have to buy a few strong ones off Elke.

Strong ones?

-Elles veux... -Elles veulent!

Elles veulent... that's right.

Que nous ayons... To drink schnapps?

Liqeur. .. Cognac!

-Ici? No! -Yes.

Are you complete idiots?

Elke? Did we promise you too much?

These two sure have got it, right?

Yes.

I'm really enjoying how handsome they are.

So...

Here you go. That's one strong one for you.

No, no.

-Oui! -Hold on a moment, boys.

First, you have to pay for the little strong ones.

I don't have any money on me. And he doesn't either.

-Aw! -No problem.

We know guys like these.

You'll have to give Elke a smacker!

Give her a smacker! Give her a smacker!

This is 18 karat gold. Will that do?

-I'll accept this. Okay. -Oh, pity.

Right, now down the hatch with the strong one!

-Non. Le travail. -Drink! Drink!

Drink or they'll never take off.

-Please drink! -Drink! Drink!

Nice!

You accursed women!

No!

-You poisoned him? -You can bet on that.

That's called modern warfare.

-We're part of FWUP. -FWUP?

-Free Women Undermining Patriarchy. -Balingen branch.

Don't waste time and get back in that trench, comrade.

Off we go, sisters. To the next usurper!

Elke! Elke! Elke!

What's going on around here?

We're going on around here!

Blasted women!

Well, there's probably no better way to illustrate the senselessness of war.

My father was more fortunate. He was also on the Western Front.

But he survived and later emigrated to New York.

Where, with his industriousness and will to survive, he very quickly

worked his way up to become a very successful pickpocket, con artist

and philanderer,

God rest his soul.

But, if we're honest,

the land of opportunity wasn't always a safe place to be.

After the market crash of 1929, there was indeed great opportunity,

either to pay 100 dollars for a bottle of bootleg hooch

or to get a bullet in your noggin out on the street.

In Chicago, mafia boss Al Capone ruled like a king.

It took years before the man with the off-kilter language

could finally be apprehended.

Ciao, Mario.

Ciao, bella!

So? How are you?

-Do we know each other? -You don't know me.

But maybe you know my boss.

I'm supposed to give you his regards, and a message.

He doesn't like being double-crossed.

Go.

Mario, Mario, Mario.

Look what you've done? So much unnecessary bloodshed.

-AI, I swear to you, i... -Ah, don't swear.

How does the saying go?

The prettiest cod blossom when the farmer husks the donkey.

What... What do you mean by that?

I meant that you'd best not dive in naked cream,

if the fur on your back is sparse.

Sparse fur, naked cream?

I don't understand.

We've always paid on time.

Oh, yes, you have, Mario.

That's just what unsettles me.

You know, in months that start with W,

the blue otter doesn't like being milked, not one bit.

Big moth, fast toe.

Who's behind it Mario? Huh?

I don't know. I swear I don't.

Experience tells me a guy who's danced samba with a pitchfork,

snores, even without teeth.

Damn it! I haven't done a thing! And I have no clue what you mean.

But I know what he means, Mario.

Eliot Ness!

What he means, Mario, is this...

even the tastiest racehorse only stays on the road

until it stinks.

-Am I right, Al? -Quiet color, hot shoe.

Quiet color, hot shoe.

You said it.

But one could express it differently.

Those who've never been bare-assed while they deloused nuns,

rarely knit big cookies.

-Say that again. -You understood me, Al.

Take him away.

You goddamn pig.

You think you've won, but remember this...

the deeper you stick the fish into your nose,

the louder the owl farts in the cake.

We'll see about that.

You've got a radish full of blackbirds!

In the end, only the albinos remain in the wooden rollercoaster!

Ness, I know where the tomatoes fly!

That was very brave of you, Mario.

Thank you.

Heavy cotton wool, round milk, Mr. Ness.

Heavy cotton wool, round milk. That's exactly right.

AI Capone was right, Mario had indeed betrayed him.

But how does the saying go?

No waltz, no honey.

Yet the violence had not yet reached its peak.

1939 arrived, and with it the outbreak of World War ll,

after the Nazis' seizure of power under their leader Adolf Hitler.

So if you possess time traveling technology,

we would be greatly indebted to you

if you would travel to Braunau am Inn in August of 1888

and give Alois and Klara Hitler a pack of condoms.

Size XS should do.

Thanks in advance.

In our timeline Hitler instigated World War II

and dragged the whole world into the abyss.

However, a small group of brave men led by Count Claus von Stauffenberg

planned to turn the tide for the better.

Gentlemen,

I'm glad so many of you made it to this secret meeting.

This is more urgent than ever after the past months' failures.

I hope you've all thought long and hard to come up with a promising plan

that will bring our fuhrer to his rightful destiny.

-Mr. von Stauffenberg, may I? -Please, Major von Freyend.

-That's why we're here. -Thank you.

I have indeed come up with something.

For my plan it is essential to distract the fuhrer

on the evening of the 20th, his birthday,

as you all know,

with an urgent cable from the front

and to get him to leave fuhrer headquarters.

I myself will have by then already made all the essential arrangements,

so that after only a few maneuvers,

I will only need to flip the light switch as soon

as the fuhrer returns.

And then...

bang!

Surprise.

All the sparklers will be burning and Himmler will pop out...

Himmler will hold the cake

and a little four-man band will start playing

the Badenweiler March.

And the cake will be poisoned?

No. Why?

That could harm our beloved fuhrer

Hold on a second.

Isn't this the meeting for the Führer's surprise birthday party on April 20th?

No.

This is the July 20th coup and assassination plot resistance group.

Oh! Then I am officially in the wrong office.

If you'll excuse me, gentlemen.

-Sure. It can happen to anyone. -But, von Freyend...

-Not a word about this. Got it? -On my honor.

But only...

if, in return, you don't say anything about the surprise party.

You have our word, everyone's.

-Heil Hitler! -Heil Hitler!

Right.

Now to the real plans to get rid of this monster.

We're all ears, Colonel.

I call it...

Operation Valkyrie.

Here's the plan.

I myself will smuggle a bomb concealed in a briefcase

into the next briefing at the Wolfsschanze.

But, Mr. Stauffenberg, doesn't that mean you'll have to sacrifice yourself?

Yes and no.

Yes and no? But how exactly...

We'll ignite only half the explosives so the bomb won't cause any real damage.

Hold on. So Hitler won't be killed?

No, due to the heavy oak tabletop, which will absorb most of the blast.

Uh-huh.

But Hitler will know there is resistance in the highest level of command.

I'll be arrested on the spot and executed.

-That's absurd! -Out of the question.

Wait, gentlemen, the real kicker is still to come.

You, my comrades-in-arms, will seize the moment,

send out an order for the military to seize control of all institutions

and "mistakenly," send it to fuhrer headquarters too.

Our planned coup will be exposed entirely.

That, in turn, will result in you all being arrested

and executed in Bendlerblock.

And then we have to...

or rather those who come after us but sympathize with us,

will simply have to sit back and wait.

Hitler's paranoia will eat him up from the inside.

He'll never be certain all the plotters have been eliminated.

His decisions will become ever more irrational and absurd.

He'll exhaust all his military resources

and maneuver himself into a hopeless situation.

The Allies will drive back our armies,

Germany will be occupied entirely and the Red Army will advance to Berlin.

Hitler will ultimately capitulate

and then, out of shame, he'll hole up in the fuhrer bunker,

and, as his final option,

he will take his own life.

Bang.

A brilliant plan, von Stauffenberg!

Bravo!

To Operation Valkyrie.

To Operation Valkyrie.

A cunning plan indeed.

With one small drawback, many ugly days of war passed before it bore fruit.

ATLANTIC OCEAN OCTOBER 27, 1944

Like those in a cramped and stuffy 80-meter-long metal tube.

Not for me, with my steel and water allergy.

Propeller noise.

270 degrees.

Approaching quickly.

Take us deeper, Fischer. Very slowly.

15 degrees dive on the bow, ten degrees rise on the stern.

Depth charge!

Any damage to report?

Flooding in the engine room!

We're sinking too fast. 160 meters and falling.

Then act! Engines full speed astern!

Engines not responding. 190 meters and falling.

200 meters.

210.

Just hold!

Over 220!

-What was that? -We hit bottom.

Here'? Impossible.

It must be an uncharted plateau, sir.

230 meters.

Right.

Take a deep breath.

We have to get this tin can back up. Blow all tanks.

Blow all tanks.

-Nothing. Everything is flooded. -Try again!

Blow tanks again. Give it all you've got!

No chance.

-Sorry. -Friedrichs!

-Sorry. -Pull yourself together!

Aw, disgusting!

I can't help it when I'm nervous.

We're all goners and your beer fart is the last thing I smell! Thanks!

Hold your breath!

Ugh! Open ass!

-Are you stupid? -What does he eat?

I'm so sorry, but when I'm put under emotional stress,

I really can't do anything about it.

I don't give a shit! Pull yourself together.

Silence!

Friedrichs.

Farting in a U-boat!

I should have you court-martialed for that!

But maybe you've just saved our lives.

What are farts composed of, First Officer?

Nitrogen, carbon dioxide and methane.

Correct. What is methane used as, Fischer?

-A propellant. -That's right.

And what do we need to blow our ballast tanks and rise?

So, Friedrichs.

You take a nice deep breath now.

-Cook! -Lieutenant?

-Cans of sauerkraut left? -20.

Excellent. And legumes?

40 cans of red lentils, 60 of baby peas

and 20 cans of fava beans in tomato sauce.

-Good. Open them. -Yes, sir. Go on.

-Come on, get up! -Lieutenant.

I have eight packages of Iranian figs. They're obviously at your disposal.

Go on, men. You know what needs doing. Grab spoons and pass them around.

Ten on the bow, five on the stern.

-Yes, sir! -We're not dying today, men.

Not today.

PEAS

Keep going! Keep going!

Faster!

Faster! Faster!

And now, secure the ventilation!

Get everything out that's not essential.

Well done. Keep it up.

Fart us off this godforsaken rock!

I've earned this.

No!

And this example clearly illustrates

why we humans have become the dominant species on this planet.

No matter how dire the situation appears,

our extremely highly developed brain always finds a creative solution.

And now that we've found nuclear power, an almost inexhaustible energy source,

nothing stands in the way of our expansion into the universe either.

That's right, muchachos brace yourselves.

We're coming.

Oops. Well, there are always losses.

And you can always visit us for a glass of eggnog and windmill cookies.

Today, if you can, because we...

And you can always visit us for a glass of eggnog and windmill cookies.

Today, if you can, because we...

are having a Christmas party today!

DECEMBER 22, 1976

This is madness, this is!

Totally crazy.

-You were good! -You too!

My dear NASA employees, I hope our little Christmas movie

was as much fun to watch as it was for us to make.

We put our blood, sweat and tears into this.

And, to be honest, a considerable share of our budget for the coming year.

Taxpayers don't necessarily need to know that.

Thanks“.

Thanks to your effort and your talent,

Voyager II is ready to go and can launch in only a few weeks.

But I'd say it's better if it does that

with the real Golden Record!

I thank every single one of you again. Let's have a terrific party.

On that note, ho ho ho!

Jessica. Jessica! Could you come here for a second?

Could you do me a big favor and take this to the Voyager hangar?

I need to see to the guests.

Why not?

Oh, and put the Christmas movie on the desk in my office.

But it's very important you don't mix the two of them up.

It's not that hard.

Yeah, well, all the better. Hey!

APRIL 25, 2050

With this speech, many years ago,

I accused the governments of this planet of stealing my generation's future,

but I'd never have thought what happened then to be possible.

Almost every nation took radical steps

to reduce CO2 emissions on Earth

and to prevent global warming.

That's why today, I can proudly announce

that 97 percent of scientists agree

that we have achieved our goal and have warded off climate change.

The future of our planet

is secured.

Damn solar module.

This alligator wrench will give me a slipped disc.

The Russians have totally stripped these screws.

They have to tell a guy he needs special tools.

I mean, I believe they did say that.

But it needs to be said right.

Oh, yeah. True.

"Build a new ISS," those guys from engineering sure are something.

We're definitely billing extra for all of this.

-This has got me steaming. -Don't scrimp.

What's the fee for zero gravity?

Well, at least...

Jürgen, pinch me.

Either I'm suffering from some major oxygen deprivation here

or the Brandenburg Gate is floating past us.

What'?

That's in Berlin.

On Earth.

Apropos Earth, where is it anyway?

Um, Jürgen, our storeroom Wilmersdorf, did you, the big propane cylinder...

did you close it tight before we left?

Of course, right and proper, counterclockwise.

What'? Counter and not clockwise?

-No, clockwise is open. -No, counter is open.

-Counter is open? -Since when did counter mean open?

Open is closed. Clockwise is counter.

What's what?

Right, I'm out.

-Earth and the life of humankind -All dead and gone

-Had only money on my mind -Maggots on bone

-Humanity from Genesis -Completely erased

-Eifel Tower, acropolis -Ashes and waste

-UN Charter, human rights -No longer a thing

-Goals, Bibles, dirty mags -Never again

-Critters, plants, beetles and bugs -Are no more

-Life since Adam and Eve -Cmd plus Z

No!

"Bye-Bye "Bye-Bye

Party's over, no lie

Party's over, no lie and tomorrow will be a sad sight

The game is over Last one turns off the light

"Bye-Bye "Bye-Bye

Party's over, no lie

Party's over, no lie And tomorrow looks a real fright

The game is over Last one turns off the light

-All us little people here -Have spoiled it all

-Himalayas and Prenz'lberg -Just a dust ball

-Where's the sweet little dodo? -Been segmented

-Is there any sense to anything? -Complicated

-The villages and cities -All been razed

-Poets, thinkers, Dieter Bohlen -Bygone days

-New York, Rio, Bielefeld? -Just a haze

-Little old Berlin? -Floatin' in space

Are you in?

Hello.

-What's too big? -His penis!

Sure is a Whopper.

-Say that again. -Valhalla!

Have you all completely lost it?

Just kidding.

That's sweet.

Kiss my ass!

No!

Gerhaaaaard!

-Bye -bye -Bye -bye

Party's over, no lie

-Bye-bye -Party's over, no lie

And tomorrow will be a sad sight

The game is over Last one turns off the light

"BY e-B ye —Bye-b ye

Party's over, no lie

Party's over, no lie and tomorrow looks a real fright

The game is over Last one turns off the light

We wanted to see the Maldives On an ocean cruise

To eat three meat dishes Each and every day

Never got enough of that nice shit Suffice to say

Kim Dotcom was a lightweight Compared to us

And we suspect humanity is going bust

That the endless growth Is a shitty farce

And that after our party Mother Earth Will be a carcass

So we take one last look From the ghost ship

-From the ghost ship -Bye-Bye

The party's over, no lie

This is a bit like Dr.BEST. Dr.BEST dental care.

Von Freyend...

Not a word about this.

Of course not.

-What? -Sure. It can happen to anyone.

Sure. It can happen to anyone. Sure. It can happen to anyone.

He'll never be certain all the plotters have been...

that all the plotters are ecstatic.

Are you ready for the lexical...

the lexical semantics of the...

the lexical semantics

of the... Of the what?

Semantics of the... God damn it!

I can't get this sentence out of my mouth.

I'm in contact with Lyudmila...

Pavlenchickadida. What's her name?

Pavlid... Pa...

It's Pavlochenko, right?

Upav... There I go again.

Lyudmila Pavlochenko...

-What? -Gentlemen...

Gentlemen, may I introduce Jessica to you?

She's starting her intra...

I'll be right back.

Look at those stupid flat brows.

And your mic cable is hanging out.

We come from the north seeking warmer territories...

I've got a cough.

We'll play pointy stone, blunt stone,

round stone, flat stone.

We'll do it like we've always...

How about bricks?

-Well, it looks like we've won. -Stop! Fire, fire.

It's burning.

People have to be scared shitless

at the sight of the mere symbol of my selfless sacri...

Again. Sorry. The hair.

40 cans of red lentils, 60 of baby beans...

No! Peas.

40 cans of red lentils, 60 of...

Ah, shit! Sorry.

I've earned this.

Well...

But before that happens,

we're going to party till the gre...

I'll get it.

We're definitely billing extra for all of this. I'm really steam...

But we can still gouge out those damn Scots' ears...

-Sorry. -If you bite someone's ears... Shit!

For example,

if you've bitten someone's ears off... Shit!

Now that's a really...

really good example from...

Now that's a really good example from... What was your name?

Uwe.

I mean that...

I mean that... i still don't know it.

Those who've never been bare-assed

while they debloused... deloused nuns.

Those who've never been bare-assed...

Those who've never been bare-assed

while they deloused nuns

rarely knit big cookies.

Those who've never been bare-assed while they deloused nuns

rarely knit big buttons.

Cookies.

Thanks, that was it for today. Get home safely.