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1
00:00:01,169 --> 00:00:03,199
MAX:
Previously on 2 Broke Girls...
2
00:00:03,237 --> 00:00:06,367
Oh, no, Max! My wallet!
It's gone.
3
00:00:06,407 --> 00:00:09,137
All of our cash and our
credit cards were in there.
4
00:00:09,177 --> 00:00:11,447
I need to get to Texas
to see my boyfriend.
5
00:00:11,479 --> 00:00:13,779
There has got to be a way
we can work something out.
6
00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:15,254
We'll do anything.
7
00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:21,690
Just another lonely night
here in Texas...
8
00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:23,462
with all my new best friends!
9
00:00:23,491 --> 00:00:25,161
Ha-ha!
10
00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:28,103
I'm driving to Texas
if y'all want a ride.
11
00:00:28,129 --> 00:00:29,459
(both gasp)
Shotgun! I'm sitting
12
00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:30,157
next to RuPaul.
13
00:00:30,198 --> 00:00:31,798
No. I'm sitting next to RuPaul!
14
00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:34,802
(upbeat music)
15
00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:36,665
All right.
16
00:00:36,704 --> 00:00:40,074
So, this is where Randy and the
other movie people are staying.
17
00:00:40,108 --> 00:00:43,038
(sniffs)
He's been here. I smell abs.
18
00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:46,154
Ugh, I smell us.
19
00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:48,380
When did I have a hot dog?
20
00:00:48,416 --> 00:00:51,286
I shared one with you while you
were sleeping. You're welcome.
21
00:00:51,319 --> 00:00:53,419
Let's ask that clerk
if he's seen Randy,
22
00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:56,324
and when the outdoor sprinklers
go on so we can freshen up.
23
00:00:58,826 --> 00:01:00,626
Hi. How can I help you?
24
00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:02,831
B-T-dubs, if you're going
for that tossled,
25
00:01:02,863 --> 00:01:04,173
just-crawled-out-of-a-ditch
look,
26
00:01:04,198 --> 00:01:05,598
you nailed it.
27
00:01:05,633 --> 00:01:08,273
I'm not gonna ask
what you just crawled out of,
28
00:01:08,302 --> 00:01:10,202
because I'm too tired
to be mean.
29
00:01:11,472 --> 00:01:14,342
So, Richie,
30
00:01:14,375 --> 00:01:16,105
my associate and I
would like to know
31
00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:18,184
what room Randy Walsh is
staying in.
32
00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:21,482
And I see you have a very strict
"no pets" policy.
33
00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:24,315
Yes, Randy Walsh's room.
Of course.
34
00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:26,122
Looks like he is
in room number...
35
00:01:26,154 --> 00:01:27,864
what hotel clerk in the world
would give out a guest's info
36
00:01:27,888 --> 00:01:29,588
to two dusty randos?
37
00:01:31,159 --> 00:01:33,859
Um, I'm more
than just a dusty rando.
38
00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:36,134
I'm his dusty ex-girlfriend.
39
00:01:36,164 --> 00:01:37,874
Also, well played.
40
00:01:37,898 --> 00:01:39,798
He has friend potential.
41
00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:41,203
Not helpful friend.
42
00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:43,495
Just "tell you
what not to wear" friend.
43
00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:46,267
Well, it's still early,
so hopefully Randy hasn't left--
44
00:01:46,307 --> 00:01:47,637
oh, my God, free cookies!
45
00:01:47,675 --> 00:01:50,675
(gasps) And cucumber water!
46
00:01:50,711 --> 00:01:52,311
With berries!
47
00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:54,476
My nanny used to make me water
like this
48
00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:57,345
before the town car would
take me to preschool.
49
00:01:57,385 --> 00:01:58,885
You had a town car?
50
00:01:58,919 --> 00:02:00,789
My mom was called the town car.
51
00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:02,491
She sat four comfortably.
52
00:02:03,924 --> 00:02:06,794
Can't believe I have to take
a van to set with other people.
53
00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:08,757
I was in Speed.
54
00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:10,696
You were on speed.
55
00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:12,371
And you were in rehab.
56
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:13,770
And then I rebuilt your career,
57
00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:15,741
and now you have to take a van.
58
00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:18,639
(gasps)
Max, look! It's Randy.
59
00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:21,312
And that guy from the
reverse mortgage commercials.
60
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:22,942
Ugh! Oh, God!
61
00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:24,876
He can't see me all gross
like this.
62
00:02:24,912 --> 00:02:26,382
I thought your grossness is
63
00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:27,924
one of the things
he likes about you.
64
00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:31,218
Mm, it's complicated.
He likes me to start out clean.
65
00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:37,832
(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
66
00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:39,388
(cash register bell dings)
67
00:02:39,427 --> 00:02:43,327
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
68
00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:50,838
(upbeat music)
69
00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:52,271
*
70
00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:53,636
I am getting really good
71
00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:56,214
at bathing in public restrooms.
72
00:02:56,244 --> 00:02:57,954
And I want it to end!
73
00:02:57,978 --> 00:03:00,678
Well, your hobo skills
are not complete.
74
00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:02,424
You need to practice peeing
in an alley.
75
00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:03,880
You're still splashing
on your shoes.
76
00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:06,889
Now come on.
Let's go find Randy.
77
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:08,890
Fine.
Let's go ask that concierge
78
00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:11,332
if he knows where it is.
79
00:03:11,359 --> 00:03:12,529
Hey, remember us?
80
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,230
The dust bunnies from before?
81
00:03:14,262 --> 00:03:15,702
I know who you are.
82
00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:18,769
I've been following you two
around with a wet vac.
83
00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:20,669
Bit of an attitude
from someone who's got
84
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,741
two giant horns
coming out of his head.
85
00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:27,705
You're bringing horny
to a whole new level.
86
00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:29,911
Can you please tell us
where the movie set is?
87
00:03:29,943 --> 00:03:32,313
Oh, of course. Absolutely.
No problem.
88
00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:34,716
Just go out the lobby, make
a left on Main, then a right
89
00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:37,588
on There's No Way In Hell
I'm Telling You That Street.
90
00:03:37,618 --> 00:03:38,948
Uh, was that a left or a right
91
00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:40,816
on No Way In Hell
I'm Telling You That Street?
92
00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:43,993
Look. My friend came
all the way here
93
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:45,564
to surprise her boyfriend.
94
00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:47,433
How would you feel
if someone stopped you
95
00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:49,561
from seeing your boyfriend?
96
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:54,570
Excuse me? Boyfriend?
97
00:03:54,602 --> 00:03:56,042
I'm not gay.
98
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:59,709
This is Texas,
not the Flaming Saddles Saloon
99
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:02,540
on 9th Avenue and 52nd Street
in New York City.
100
00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:07,282
Where you've definitely
never been.
101
00:04:07,315 --> 00:04:09,745
Please just leave my lobby,
all right?
102
00:04:09,783 --> 00:04:11,353
There's enough sad wannabes
around here
103
00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:12,385
with the extras casting...
104
00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:13,550
which reminds me
105
00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:16,057
I need to get to extras casting.
106
00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:18,789
We don't need him, Max.
I have a great idea.
107
00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:21,526
We'll get cast as extras
in Randy's movie.
108
00:04:21,562 --> 00:04:22,732
That way you can see him,
109
00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:25,033
and audiences everywhere
can see me.
110
00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:27,635
Ah, Caroline, that's genius!
111
00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:28,968
While we're waiting,
I'll call Han
112
00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:30,842
to check on the dessert bar's
progress.
113
00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:35,811
Wow. I have an acting career
and I own a dessert bar.
114
00:04:35,843 --> 00:04:37,883
And to think just moments ago
115
00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:41,821
I was tossing water
from a sink to my privates.
116
00:04:41,849 --> 00:04:44,949
Can you call it a whore's bath
if you never have sex?
117
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,721
Can you please tell them
to keep it down?
118
00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:51,857
(loud banging)
A simple "no" would've done.
119
00:04:51,892 --> 00:04:54,562
You don't have to insult
my sweater!
120
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:58,369
And hello, Max.
121
00:04:58,399 --> 00:05:00,999
(banging)
122
00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:02,944
There's more banging
going on in there
123
00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:05,940
than season one of
The Affair.
124
00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:09,643
It's really ruining the
fine dining ambiance in here.
125
00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:11,647
What's that, doc?
126
00:05:11,679 --> 00:05:14,679
Is it on my testicle
or just near it?
127
00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:15,815
(banging continues)
128
00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:17,519
Come on!
129
00:05:17,551 --> 00:05:19,491
(baby crying)
130
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,860
And now they woke up Barbara.
131
00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:25,089
And I don't have the DVD
of Amy Adams' last movie
132
00:05:25,125 --> 00:05:27,825
to put her back to sleep.
133
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:30,801
That's the last straw.
I'm going over there.
134
00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:34,501
I can't stand the sound
of a crying baby.
135
00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:37,665
That's why I'm waiting
a couple years to have my own.
136
00:05:37,705 --> 00:05:39,665
Hey! Oleg.
137
00:05:39,707 --> 00:05:43,477
Come on. Your daughter just got
woken up with that heavy noise.
138
00:05:43,511 --> 00:05:45,551
You should be going over there.
139
00:05:45,579 --> 00:05:47,449
Uh, I'm kind of
in the middle of taking
140
00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:51,991
a "Which Friends character
are you?" quiz.
141
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:54,459
Ross?
142
00:05:54,488 --> 00:05:58,128
Well, maybe you should be doing
some more manly things
143
00:05:58,158 --> 00:06:00,658
so that when Barbara sees
your picture,
144
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:03,034
she doesn't say "Mama."
145
00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:07,472
She calls me Mama?
146
00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:08,801
I'm going over there.
147
00:06:08,836 --> 00:06:11,766
I'm not Mama.
I'm Dadushki!
148
00:06:13,006 --> 00:06:15,076
You're being a da-douche-ski.
149
00:06:18,446 --> 00:06:20,146
James jostled Gene gently.
150
00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:21,720
James jostled Gene gently.
151
00:06:21,749 --> 00:06:23,049
James jostled Gene--
152
00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:25,993
Somebody help.
I think my robot's broken.
153
00:06:26,019 --> 00:06:28,159
It's an acting exercise, Max.
154
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:29,718
It stretches out the mouth.
155
00:06:29,757 --> 00:06:32,157
Uh, I think all those teeth
do the trick.
156
00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:36,428
I just want to be prepared.
157
00:06:36,464 --> 00:06:39,804
I mean, maybe I'm not
just on this journey for you.
158
00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:42,543
Maybe I'm supposed to be
discovered as an actress.
159
00:06:42,570 --> 00:06:45,740
Maybe something's
finally about me.
160
00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:48,583
Everything is
always about you.
161
00:06:48,609 --> 00:06:51,849
You call Christmas "The Day
Caroline Gets Presents."
162
00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:56,747
And we're only auditioning so I
can get to the set to see Randy.
163
00:06:56,784 --> 00:06:57,994
Not for your acting career.
164
00:06:58,018 --> 00:07:00,688
Also, you don't have
an acting career.
165
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:02,761
Well, shouldn't you
be practicing
166
00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:04,490
what you're gonna say to Randy?
167
00:07:04,525 --> 00:07:07,525
I mean, your original plan
to "jump dem bones"
168
00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:09,201
might not fly on a movie set.
169
00:07:09,229 --> 00:07:11,969
Hey! I got words.
170
00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:15,199
I was thinking something
along the lines of,
171
00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:18,035
"Howdy, Dude-y."
172
00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:19,771
You know, 'cause we're in Texas
173
00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:22,007
and he was kind of a doody
for blocking me.
174
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:25,680
Okay, extras, since this is
a zombie movie,
175
00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:27,553
I'm gonna need to see you act
like zombies.
176
00:07:27,581 --> 00:07:30,751
But don't touch me. My entire
body's an erogenous zone.
177
00:07:31,852 --> 00:07:34,022
Zombies?
I didn't prepare for that.
178
00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:36,824
You also didn't prepare for
being a celibate poor person,
179
00:07:36,857 --> 00:07:38,157
but you're knocking that
out of the park.
180
00:07:43,597 --> 00:07:45,797
(hammering)
181
00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:48,103
Excuse me, sir...
182
00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:50,135
if that is your real name.
183
00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:52,568
We're from the diner next door,
184
00:07:52,606 --> 00:07:54,806
and you need
to keep the noise down.
185
00:07:54,842 --> 00:07:56,082
It woke up a baby
186
00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:58,209
and the man who lives
in booth two.
187
00:07:58,245 --> 00:08:00,205
Sorry for the loud noise.
188
00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:02,747
If there's one thing
New York's known for,
189
00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:04,083
it's quiet construction.
190
00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:06,787
Listen. You may think you're
191
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,690
some sort of authority figure
192
00:08:08,722 --> 00:08:10,722
with that tank top,
193
00:08:10,758 --> 00:08:11,928
but you're not.
194
00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:14,229
What you are is fired.
195
00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:16,731
Was anyone recording that
for baby Barbara?
196
00:08:18,265 --> 00:08:20,125
Well, that escalated
rather quickly.
197
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:24,137
Take your gorgeous tank top
198
00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:26,611
and get the hell out of here.
199
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,180
Fine. I don't need this.
200
00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:30,738
My dance company got a grant
from Pfizer.
201
00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:35,083
-Knock, knock.
-Who's there?
202
00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:37,175
Not a door.
203
00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:38,817
The girls are gonna kill me
204
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:41,722
if they get back and the
dessert bar isn't finished.
205
00:08:41,755 --> 00:08:43,115
Well, Oleg will do it.
206
00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:45,226
He says he can nail anything.
207
00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:48,303
I was talking
about Jersey skanks,
208
00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:50,128
but sure, I'll give it a try.
209
00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:55,342
You're in.
210
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:56,998
Go wait next to
the corpse extras.
211
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:58,167
Next.
212
00:08:58,205 --> 00:09:00,265
Hi. My name is
Caroline Channing,
213
00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:02,307
and I will be singing "Hamilton"
214
00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:05,082
from the musical
of the same name.
215
00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:07,112
Hold off on that.
216
00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:09,217
I'm not quite ready
to kill myself.
217
00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:13,824
Are you sure you don't have
any non-zombie parts?
218
00:09:13,854 --> 00:09:15,064
Maybe a cheerleader?
219
00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:17,218
Or a socialite
who lost all her money
220
00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:19,587
but not her looks
or her will to succeed?
221
00:09:19,627 --> 00:09:21,827
But she has lost
everyone's interest.
222
00:09:21,862 --> 00:09:23,332
Uh, fine.
223
00:09:23,363 --> 00:09:26,573
Here we go with a zombie.
224
00:09:28,035 --> 00:09:29,865
(panting)
225
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:32,843
Here I come! I'm a zombie!
226
00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:36,875
God, I want to go back
to casting commercials
227
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:38,210
for Applebee's.
228
00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:40,245
You just have to be white
and a little fat.
229
00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:47,051
Or I can do...
mow mow mow mow mow!
230
00:09:48,822 --> 00:09:50,822
Not a zombie.
Not anything.
231
00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:53,992
Hey, are those sodas
up for grabs?
232
00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:54,997
Yeah.
233
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:57,258
(grunting) Oh-ho! Root beer!
234
00:09:58,999 --> 00:10:00,899
Now, that's a zombie!
235
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:03,144
Amazing walk and moan.
You're hired.
236
00:10:03,170 --> 00:10:04,300
(gasps)
237
00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:05,267
What?
238
00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:06,935
But she's not an actor.
239
00:10:06,974 --> 00:10:09,844
She can't even pretend
to laugh at my jokes.
240
00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:11,277
(laughs)
241
00:10:12,846 --> 00:10:13,846
You thought that was funny?
242
00:10:13,881 --> 00:10:15,751
No! Boo.
243
00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:18,153
Bad news, Bon Bon:
I can't be in your movie today.
244
00:10:18,185 --> 00:10:20,185
Carlos won't work my shift
at the desk.
245
00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:22,020
We broke--
246
00:10:22,055 --> 00:10:23,615
we had a fight.
247
00:10:30,197 --> 00:10:32,197
Looks like you got the part.
(both gasp)
248
00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:34,942
Congratulations
on me running out of people.
249
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:36,268
All right, everyone on the van.
250
00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:38,143
We got to get you
to set and makeup.
251
00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:39,371
Oh, wait, Bonnie.
Am I going with,
252
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:40,836
"Here I come. I'm a zombie."
253
00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:43,244
or "mow, mow, mow, mow,
mow, mow, mow, mow"?
254
00:10:45,212 --> 00:10:46,652
They're both good.
255
00:10:54,955 --> 00:10:57,155
Why do you get to be
a hot zombie?
256
00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:59,790
I look like dead David Spade.
257
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:03,334
So, David Spade?
258
00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:07,103
And I have this gross axe wound
in my neck.
259
00:11:07,134 --> 00:11:09,044
Oh, I thought that was
a second mouth.
260
00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:11,099
I was worried it was gonna
start telling stories
261
00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:13,208
about how rich it used to be.
262
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:15,840
I've been working
on my zombie's backstory.
263
00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:17,476
She's a teacher named Jill
264
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,450
with an online gambling
addiction
265
00:11:19,479 --> 00:11:22,949
and an interest in women
she's never acted on.
266
00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:28,324
So, as your lawyer,
can you please stop asking me
267
00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:30,185
for a drunk driver's license?
268
00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:32,263
It's not a real thing.
269
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:34,332
Neither is a cocaine permit.
270
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:36,931
Oh, my God, it's Randy.
Hide! Hide!
271
00:11:36,964 --> 00:11:39,134
Hide? Like Jill is doing
with her feelings
272
00:11:39,166 --> 00:11:40,696
for her neighbor Sarah?
273
00:11:41,969 --> 00:11:44,039
Will you run lines with me?
274
00:11:44,071 --> 00:11:45,371
Sure.
275
00:11:45,405 --> 00:11:47,305
You want to take it from,
"You can take my brains,
276
00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:50,140
but you can't take my freedom"?
277
00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:52,007
Max, we came all this way.
278
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:54,075
You can't just avoid him
forever.
279
00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:57,054
He's not a Hulu original.
280
00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:59,094
Just go tell him what you want.
281
00:11:59,119 --> 00:12:00,349
And what do you want?
282
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,287
Are you planning
on moving to LA?
283
00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:04,362
Because when this acting thing
takes off,
284
00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:06,331
they'll want me
to live there, too.
285
00:12:06,359 --> 00:12:07,389
Who's "they"?
286
00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:09,457
Is "they" all of New York?
287
00:12:09,496 --> 00:12:11,526
(in British accent)
Oi! Drop the brains,
288
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:13,274
you zombie scum!
289
00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:17,838
Yeah, the script says
"brightly," not "British."
290
00:12:19,339 --> 00:12:21,109
I mean, I can't move to LA.
291
00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:23,981
We've worked too hard getting
the dessert bar to where it is.
292
00:12:24,011 --> 00:12:26,251
I can be happy with
the long-distance thing.
293
00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:28,149
I mean, it's better
than nothing,
294
00:12:28,181 --> 00:12:30,421
and I don't have
to shave as much.
295
00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:33,120
Well, none of that's A-material,
296
00:12:33,153 --> 00:12:34,393
but it's how you feel,
297
00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:37,021
so just go tell him
before he goes off again.
298
00:12:38,125 --> 00:12:39,485
I'm pushing you with my stub.
299
00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:41,826
All right. All right.
I'm going.
300
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:46,103
Just to make sure
he recognizes me.
301
00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:49,473
Here you are. You two wander off
more than my stepson's left eye.
302
00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:51,102
You're late for your scene.
303
00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:54,138
Um, I just need two minutes
with that guy who just left,
304
00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:56,114
and a condom
if you have one on you.
305
00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:58,553
What do I look like?
The sound guy?
306
00:12:58,578 --> 00:13:00,878
Uh, and I'm gonna need you
to zip that dress up.
307
00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:01,954
This movie's PG.
308
00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:03,422
All right, I'll zip up.
309
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,520
Guess you guys don't want
a sequel.
310
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:15,895
There. The door,
much like the man who put it up,
311
00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:18,029
is well hung.
312
00:13:18,065 --> 00:13:19,425
Have you ever done anything
313
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:21,936
without bringing up
your penis size?
314
00:13:21,969 --> 00:13:24,499
Sure. My driver's test.
315
00:13:24,537 --> 00:13:26,167
Oh, wait. No.
316
00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:29,607
Han, hey, just a heads up.
317
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:34,952
Man, there's literally no one
working in your diner right now.
318
00:13:34,982 --> 00:13:37,482
And that's unusual how?
319
00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:41,487
Well, since I don't have to be
at work, I am going on a break,
320
00:13:41,521 --> 00:13:43,191
which means smoking a J
321
00:13:43,223 --> 00:13:45,333
and taking a nap in the trunk
of my car.
322
00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:49,064
He doesn't even have a car.
323
00:13:57,437 --> 00:13:58,867
How about that?
324
00:13:58,906 --> 00:14:00,336
Earl has superpowers.
325
00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:02,611
The only superpowers he has
326
00:14:02,642 --> 00:14:04,242
is that he's still alive.
327
00:14:04,277 --> 00:14:06,847
Hey, what's going on here?
328
00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:10,618
Fine.
The jig is up.
329
00:14:10,650 --> 00:14:12,450
I can't hang a door.
330
00:14:12,485 --> 00:14:14,615
Sophie, my daughter may think
I'm a mama,
331
00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:16,924
but I don't want her to think
I'm a liar.
332
00:14:16,957 --> 00:14:20,587
Ooh. This went from zero
to Lifetime pretty quickly.
333
00:14:20,627 --> 00:14:22,557
I'm out.
334
00:14:22,595 --> 00:14:26,095
Oh, Oleg,
335
00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:28,303
come on--
it doesn't matter
336
00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:32,135
that you can't build anything
or protect us
337
00:14:32,172 --> 00:14:34,472
or--or--or be a man.
338
00:14:36,143 --> 00:14:38,653
What's really important
339
00:14:38,678 --> 00:14:41,148
is how much you love Barbara.
340
00:14:41,181 --> 00:14:44,421
But she thinks I'm a mama.
341
00:14:44,451 --> 00:14:48,261
Well, she also thinks that
Danny Glover is the president.
342
00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:51,460
Dadushki!
343
00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:54,331
Oh, my gosh, Oleg,
did you hear that?
344
00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:56,161
Yeah. You just said it.
345
00:14:56,196 --> 00:14:58,526
No. No, no, no.
It was Barbara.
346
00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:01,365
Barbara just called you
Dadushki.
347
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:02,641
She did?
348
00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:06,341
BARBARA: Papa.
349
00:15:06,373 --> 00:15:09,643
"Papa"? What the hell is that?
350
00:15:09,676 --> 00:15:12,146
Eh, she's not very bright.
351
00:15:12,179 --> 00:15:15,719
But thank God she's pretty
like her mamas.
352
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,278
(laughs)
353
00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:25,062
Ugh, my gash is itchy.
354
00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:27,092
You should see someone
about that.
355
00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:30,097
Ugh! This is one of the
least comfortable harnesses
356
00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:31,700
I've ever hung from.
357
00:15:31,731 --> 00:15:35,001
On the upside, it's currently
rounding third base.
358
00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:36,165
Jealous!
359
00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:39,673
Oh, Richie!
How did you get here?
360
00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:41,306
I thought you had to work.
361
00:15:41,341 --> 00:15:42,711
Not that acting isn't work.
362
00:15:42,742 --> 00:15:46,112
Just ask my fellow thespian,
Natalie Portman.
363
00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:48,246
You look like a thespian
in that shirt.
364
00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:50,351
Funny story:
I actually got here
365
00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:52,753
on the None of Your Beeswax
Express.
366
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:54,385
Ha! He did it again.
367
00:15:54,421 --> 00:15:56,461
Turns out it doesn't get old.
368
00:15:57,657 --> 00:16:00,487
Okay, zombies.
Three minutes till we shoot.
369
00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:02,497
Let me see you wriggle
and moan.
370
00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:05,269
(Max and Richie moaning)
CAROLINE: Mow, mow, mow, mow.
371
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:08,638
Bonnie, am I moaning
because I am horrified
372
00:16:08,668 --> 00:16:10,338
at what I've become?
373
00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:13,240
Or because I'm in pain
from hanging on this meat hook?
374
00:16:15,542 --> 00:16:17,642
She must be going
to ask the director.
375
00:16:17,677 --> 00:16:20,207
(gasps) Here comes Randy.
How do I look?
376
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:23,578
Like a piece of meat.
377
00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:24,676
I'll take it.
378
00:16:26,353 --> 00:16:28,423
You were hilarious
in that last scene.
379
00:16:28,455 --> 00:16:31,085
I think everybody's really happy
they didn't get Eddie Murphy.
380
00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:32,634
Eddie Murphy?
381
00:16:32,659 --> 00:16:35,659
I was wondering why I had to
play my whole family at dinner.
382
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:42,403
This is a comedy?
383
00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:44,735
Well, it's a good thing
I'm so versatile.
384
00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:47,141
I think I'll make Jill clumsy.
385
00:16:47,174 --> 00:16:49,514
Ugh! Where'd they go?
(grunts)
386
00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:53,082
Yeah, meditation has
totally changed me.
387
00:16:53,113 --> 00:16:54,453
I'm not as angry.
388
00:16:54,481 --> 00:16:56,321
Hey! Don't look at me!
389
00:16:57,484 --> 00:16:59,824
Yeah, you do seem calmer.
390
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:02,362
I wonder why they demanded
your lawyer be on set.
391
00:17:02,389 --> 00:17:04,319
Dude, when we get back to LA,
392
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:05,557
there's someone I want
to set you up with.
393
00:17:05,592 --> 00:17:07,832
Oh--I need to hear this.
Push me.
394
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:11,600
She's hot.
But I'm just not dating anyone
395
00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:13,671
who drives a Prius right now.
396
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,300
I don't know.
397
00:17:15,335 --> 00:17:16,835
I'm in a weird place
right now,
398
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:18,569
and I don't just mean Texas.
399
00:17:18,605 --> 00:17:21,335
You're not still seeing
that girl in New York, are you?
400
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:24,484
(gasps) What girl in New York?
401
00:17:24,511 --> 00:17:26,311
Me!
402
00:17:26,346 --> 00:17:27,746
Did your brain
get eaten already,
403
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:29,780
or is Jill just an idiot?
404
00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:31,216
She is just overwhelmed.
405
00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:32,851
She has three kids
under the age of five
406
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,385
and car trouble.
407
00:17:35,588 --> 00:17:37,158
We broke up.
408
00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:38,390
We were Facetiming so much
409
00:17:38,425 --> 00:17:40,155
I felt like I was dating
my iPhone.
410
00:17:40,193 --> 00:17:42,533
The other night at dinner,
we split an appetizer.
411
00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:46,071
Play dead!
412
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:48,697
Yeah, Max is incredible,
413
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:51,565
but we're just
in different places right now.
414
00:17:51,604 --> 00:17:53,744
-No, you're not.
-Shh!
415
00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:58,313
I wish I could say
the long distance thing
416
00:17:58,345 --> 00:17:59,645
was gonna be enough for me,
417
00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:02,319
but it wasn't--
it wasn't ever gonna be.
418
00:18:02,349 --> 00:18:03,679
It just can't be enough.
419
00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:05,746
Like you with compliments
about your hair.
420
00:18:05,785 --> 00:18:07,185
(laughs)
421
00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:08,860
You like it, though, right?
422
00:18:08,888 --> 00:18:12,558
You know, I'm doing everything
I can to get over her.
423
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:15,402
Blocked her on my phone,
went to therapy,
424
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:18,298
watched all 13 seasons
of Grey's Anatomy,
425
00:18:18,331 --> 00:18:21,331
then realized I'd only watched
20 minutes of one episode.
426
00:18:21,368 --> 00:18:24,798
So, yes or no on my hair?
427
00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:26,607
It's great.
428
00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:29,339
But I'm not ready to meet that
girl with the Prius just yet.
429
00:18:29,376 --> 00:18:33,706
I mean, I'm all for
good gas mileage.
430
00:18:33,746 --> 00:18:34,846
Just not yet.
431
00:18:36,383 --> 00:18:38,753
I get it.
You're gay now.
432
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:40,685
RICHIE: I wish!
433
00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,710
All right,
two minutes, everybody.
434
00:18:59,739 --> 00:19:03,379
Let's do this thing quick,
'cause this movie sucks.
435
00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:06,351
Max, why didn't you
say something?
436
00:19:06,379 --> 00:19:07,749
That was your chance.
437
00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:11,420
Ugh, you heard what he said
to that fake sheriff.
438
00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:13,391
The long distance thing
isn't enough for him,
439
00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:14,650
and he needs to move on.
440
00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:16,787
It's only fair that I let him.
441
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:19,433
Call me stupid
for being a romantic
442
00:19:19,459 --> 00:19:21,329
and thinking love could
conquer all.
443
00:19:21,361 --> 00:19:22,701
Stupid!
444
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:28,339
I'm sorry, Max.
445
00:19:30,337 --> 00:19:31,567
What are you doing?
446
00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:33,544
Do you have to pee?
447
00:19:33,573 --> 00:19:35,383
Because I find if you go
in your pants a little
448
00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:36,508
and then a little
and then a little,
449
00:19:36,543 --> 00:19:37,843
it's not that noticeable.
450
00:19:37,877 --> 00:19:39,647
I was gonna give you a hug.
451
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:41,909
Mm. All right, bring it in.
452
00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:45,346
(grunting)
453
00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:50,324
Ahh.
454
00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:53,287
-You okay?
-No.
455
00:19:53,326 --> 00:19:54,726
My relationship is really over,
456
00:19:54,761 --> 00:19:57,331
and I'm starting to lose feeling
in my downstairs.
457
00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:58,734
Yeah.
458
00:19:58,765 --> 00:20:01,525
Ugh. I'm sorry I dragged you
across the country.
459
00:20:01,568 --> 00:20:05,538
You didn't drag me anywhere.
I wanted to be here with you.
460
00:20:05,572 --> 00:20:07,342
Let's go home, Max.
461
00:20:07,374 --> 00:20:08,684
I'll tell Bonnie we're quitting,
462
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:10,808
and we'll tell the press
it was exhaustion.
463
00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:12,883
No. We're not going
anywhere yet.
464
00:20:12,912 --> 00:20:14,912
We came all this way.
At least one of us should
465
00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:15,977
get what they want.
466
00:20:16,015 --> 00:20:17,715
You are gonna be in this movie.
467
00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:20,320
(gasps) Max!
468
00:20:20,353 --> 00:20:22,723
I won't forget about you
when I'm big.
469
00:20:22,755 --> 00:20:25,625
I mean, I'll definitely
see you less.
470
00:20:26,926 --> 00:20:29,296
What's that?
Get rid of the blonde zombie?
471
00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:30,259
Oh, thank God.
472
00:20:30,297 --> 00:20:32,027
What? Why?
473
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:33,974
Was it my "mow, mow, mow, mow"?
474
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:37,600
Bonnie, wait.
I--I can also write.
475
00:20:37,637 --> 00:20:38,707
Check this line out:
476
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:40,868
"freezed to meet you."
477
00:20:42,509 --> 00:20:45,279
Cut me down, Bon Bon.
You can't split us up.
478
00:20:45,312 --> 00:20:46,582
Believe me. I've tried.
479
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:52,593
(cash register bell dings)
480
00:20:54,854 --> 00:20:57,824
(upbeat music)
481
00:20:57,857 --> 00:21:01,857
* *
482
00:21:01,907 --> 00:21:06,457
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