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1
00:00:00,834 --> 00:00:03,804
(rock music)
2
00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:05,607
Han, what're you doing
in our bar?
3
00:00:05,639 --> 00:00:08,109
You know we can't serve kids.
4
00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:09,382
Or did you just want to see
5
00:00:09,410 --> 00:00:11,450
what a successful
business looks like?
6
00:00:11,479 --> 00:00:14,119
I know what a successful
business looks like.
7
00:00:14,148 --> 00:00:16,548
My cousin runs a Blimpie's
in Queens.
8
00:00:16,584 --> 00:00:19,494
You have a relative
that works at a Blimpie's?
9
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:22,460
(gasps) Is he single?
10
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:26,288
Hi, I'm Clint,
the new bartender.
11
00:00:26,327 --> 00:00:28,827
It's a pleasure for you
to meet me.
12
00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:31,232
I hired Clint away from that
cool bar down the street.
13
00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:32,425
He has a following.
14
00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:34,136
And his following
followed him here,
15
00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:35,138
and now we have a following.
16
00:00:35,169 --> 00:00:37,539
You following?
17
00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:39,271
Oh, a following.
18
00:00:39,307 --> 00:00:42,207
Like I had on YouTube before
they got all weird about nudity.
19
00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:45,807
(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
20
00:00:45,846 --> 00:00:47,716
(cash register bell dings)
21
00:00:47,748 --> 00:00:52,048
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
22
00:00:55,323 --> 00:00:56,523
Wow.
23
00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:59,287
Girls, this place
has more people in it
24
00:00:59,327 --> 00:01:01,357
than my first marriage.
25
00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:02,255
Hey, Earl.
26
00:01:02,296 --> 00:01:05,296
Cacao Storm for my
diabetic dreamboat?
27
00:01:05,333 --> 00:01:07,373
Well, you know
I can't say no to booze.
28
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:09,601
If I could, I'd still be
in The Temptations.
29
00:01:09,637 --> 00:01:12,407
No, no, no,
it's very little booze, okay?
30
00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:15,240
CLINT: See, you drink it
for the raw cacao.
31
00:01:15,276 --> 00:01:17,576
Yeah, it releases serotonin
and boosts your energy
32
00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:18,581
and your mood.
33
00:01:18,612 --> 00:01:21,822
I'm pretty much a genius.
34
00:01:21,849 --> 00:01:24,319
And I'm pretty much
gonna pass.
35
00:01:25,653 --> 00:01:28,723
You want to try a Cacao Storm?
Huh, buddy?
36
00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:29,856
Yeah, you do.
37
00:01:29,890 --> 00:01:31,560
They're addictive.
38
00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:34,332
Raw cacao with a little
chocolate liqueur.
39
00:01:34,362 --> 00:01:37,472
It's how I got to be
such a big deal.
40
00:01:37,498 --> 00:01:39,198
And it's how I'm gonna get
a new wardrobe
41
00:01:39,233 --> 00:01:40,573
with the way
these are selling.
42
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,901
Soon, I'll be able to
buy clothes from places
43
00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:46,306
that don't also sell gas.
44
00:01:46,340 --> 00:01:49,180
I'll try one.
I am a little stressed.
45
00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:50,440
I'm entering the post office's
46
00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:53,478
Federal Duck Stamp Contest
this year.
47
00:01:53,514 --> 00:01:55,624
They still have
post offices?
48
00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:58,689
I wonder if my "wanted"
poster's still up.
49
00:01:58,719 --> 00:02:01,889
It is.
You were a cute kid.
50
00:02:01,922 --> 00:02:03,622
And they have a contest
to design
51
00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:05,387
a new duck stamp every year.
52
00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:07,856
If I win, my mallard drawing
will be on
53
00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:10,495
official United States postage.
54
00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:12,301
How can there be a winner
of a contest
55
00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:15,243
you have to be a loser
to enter?
56
00:02:15,269 --> 00:02:17,369
You feeling the buzz yet, son?
57
00:02:17,405 --> 00:02:20,635
You should.
I only use pure Columbian cacao.
58
00:02:20,674 --> 00:02:22,914
Strongest in the city--
actually, in the state.
59
00:02:22,943 --> 00:02:24,653
I just didn't want
to brag about it.
60
00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:26,908
It's one of the greatest
things about me.
61
00:02:26,947 --> 00:02:27,917
Oh!
62
00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:29,378
Yes, yes.
63
00:02:29,417 --> 00:02:31,617
I think I feel it.
A little jolt.
64
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:35,262
Wasn't that your
American Gladiator name?
65
00:02:35,289 --> 00:02:37,359
Why you got to harsh my buzz?
66
00:02:38,526 --> 00:02:41,296
Wait till this duck flies
to stamp victory.
67
00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:42,929
Then I'll be ridicule-proof.
68
00:02:42,963 --> 00:02:45,673
You'll never be
wedgie-proof.
69
00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:49,539
I just checked our receipts.
70
00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:52,240
We already made
$1,500 tonight.
71
00:02:52,273 --> 00:02:53,473
Max, if this keeps up,
we'll be able
72
00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:56,277
to watch Hulu
without commercials.
73
00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:58,250
$1,500 in one night?
74
00:02:58,279 --> 00:02:59,579
I didn't even make that much
75
00:02:59,613 --> 00:03:02,523
when I turned in my mom
for the reward money.
76
00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:05,420
Plus, it think this is better
than you bartending, Max.
77
00:03:05,453 --> 00:03:08,823
You were great, but your "one
for them, one for me" policy
78
00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:11,226
got a little topless.
79
00:03:11,259 --> 00:03:14,329
You enjoyed the tips,
didn't you?
80
00:03:14,362 --> 00:03:15,802
I said "Tips."
81
00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:21,668
SOPHIE: Excuse me, excuse me.
82
00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:27,605
Haven't you seen a stroller
in a bar before?
83
00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:30,442
Hey, girls.
84
00:03:30,478 --> 00:03:31,978
What, you're not even
gonna say hello,
85
00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:34,422
'cause I look like garbage?
86
00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:36,378
You didn't even give us
a chance, Sophie.
87
00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:39,447
You were too busy running over
all of our customers.
88
00:03:39,487 --> 00:03:41,287
Well, I'm sorry if I'm
embarrassing you
89
00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:44,662
with the way I look,
Caroline.
90
00:03:44,692 --> 00:03:49,362
Look, I don't have time to make
me and baby Barbara look sexy.
91
00:03:49,397 --> 00:03:51,397
Max, maybe we should
get manicures?
92
00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:52,902
I haven't had one since
Gwyneth Paltrow
93
00:03:52,933 --> 00:03:55,373
was only a little annoying.
94
00:03:55,403 --> 00:03:57,613
We don't have grooming money.
95
00:03:57,638 --> 00:04:01,008
I'm still cutting my hair
with a sword like Mulan.
96
00:04:01,041 --> 00:04:02,641
Max, we're doing really well,
97
00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:05,346
so why not enjoy
our success a little?
98
00:04:05,379 --> 00:04:07,319
I mean, we don't have
"screw you" money yet,
99
00:04:07,348 --> 00:04:09,448
but we have enough to be
mildly unpleasant.
100
00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:11,623
(laughs) No kiddin'!
101
00:04:11,652 --> 00:04:12,892
*
102
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,620
Oh, come on, come on!
103
00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:16,555
I want to get our nails did.
104
00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:20,760
Why does it take so long
for a load to finish?
105
00:04:20,794 --> 00:04:23,904
Have you tried dirty talk?
106
00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:26,371
(machine buzzes)
107
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:27,770
Oh, that's my dryer.
108
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:29,041
Oh, mine now.
109
00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:31,669
You snooze, you lose.
110
00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:35,405
But I wasn't snoozing,
why am I losing?
111
00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:36,683
'Sup, Janice?
112
00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:38,710
How's things down at
the Coinstar?
113
00:04:38,746 --> 00:04:42,076
I'm ready for a change.
114
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:45,615
Max, don't engage her, she threw
my clothes on the ground.
115
00:04:45,653 --> 00:04:48,663
Buzzer go off?
You snooze, you lose.
116
00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:51,559
Ugh, now I have to wash these
again because there's...
117
00:04:51,592 --> 00:04:54,962
what I really hope is fudge
on the floor.
118
00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:56,425
Ugh!
119
00:04:56,464 --> 00:04:58,434
Where's my underwear?
120
00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:04,542
Looks like Ralph
has a job interview.
121
00:05:04,572 --> 00:05:06,072
Ralph, that's my underwear.
122
00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:07,806
Give it back.
123
00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:11,411
Ugh, I can't wait till we don't
have to come here anymore.
124
00:05:11,445 --> 00:05:13,575
But where will we
cook our chicken?
125
00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:17,547
You know what?
126
00:05:17,585 --> 00:05:18,815
We're successful now.
127
00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:22,422
We don't have to
come here anymore.
128
00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:23,886
Can I have your
attention, everyone?
129
00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:27,534
Uh, that depends,
are you a cat video?
130
00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:29,601
I'd like to make
an announcement.
131
00:05:29,630 --> 00:05:32,500
As of today, we are saying
good-bye to this place.
132
00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:34,603
So Ralph, you can
keep my panties,
133
00:05:34,635 --> 00:05:36,765
I know you have
a wedding next month.
134
00:05:36,804 --> 00:05:39,474
Max and I are successful enough
now to afford
135
00:05:39,507 --> 00:05:42,707
our own washer and dryer.
136
00:05:42,743 --> 00:05:45,583
Or more realistically,
a low-budget fluff-and-fold.
137
00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:47,483
So take one last look at us--
138
00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:50,375
But no need to take out
your penis, Marty.
139
00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:55,494
Come on, Max,
let's go get our manicures.
140
00:05:55,523 --> 00:05:58,133
Good-bye, Laundromat,
we are never coming back
141
00:05:58,158 --> 00:06:00,158
to this hell hole again.
142
00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:02,403
You just put another
load in the washer.
143
00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:05,870
We are coming back
to this hell hole again.
144
00:06:08,936 --> 00:06:11,736
Earl, we got manicures!
145
00:06:11,772 --> 00:06:15,582
Caroline wanted our nails
to project success, so...
146
00:06:17,911 --> 00:06:21,781
What says "classy lady"
like Monopoly houses?
147
00:06:23,016 --> 00:06:24,646
Wow, congratulations, Max.
148
00:06:24,685 --> 00:06:27,485
This is probably the closest
any of us will ever come
149
00:06:27,521 --> 00:06:30,491
to owning a house.
150
00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:31,964
Speak for yourself, Earl.
151
00:06:31,992 --> 00:06:33,832
Max and I are successful now.
152
00:06:33,861 --> 00:06:35,761
I said good-bye to the
Laundromat this morning,
153
00:06:35,796 --> 00:06:37,996
and this afternoon, I said
good-bye to the bodega
154
00:06:38,031 --> 00:06:39,771
where we get our flu shots.
155
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,500
You could've waited
till after I got my
156
00:06:41,535 --> 00:06:44,165
flu shot and sandwich combo.
157
00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:46,574
Hi, could you bring me
a water, please?
158
00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:48,537
Um, could you
bring someone water
159
00:06:48,576 --> 00:06:50,836
if you had houses for fingers?
160
00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:56,517
I can't wait till we say
good-bye to this place.
161
00:06:56,550 --> 00:06:58,550
I'm gonna be really mean.
162
00:06:58,586 --> 00:07:00,016
I may do it as a poem.
163
00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:02,593
What rhymes with
"rat-infested"?
164
00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:04,733
Flat-chested.
165
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,560
You better slow down.
166
00:07:08,596 --> 00:07:10,126
We've only had one good night
at the dessert bar,
167
00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:11,833
and you said we had to keep
working at the diner
168
00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:14,495
till we made enough
to be legally poor.
169
00:07:14,535 --> 00:07:15,795
Okay, fine.
170
00:07:15,836 --> 00:07:18,106
It's like those nails
are making you reasonable
171
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:19,808
and I don't like it.
172
00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:26,753
Han, your hair!
173
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:29,850
Who are you supposed to be,
Edward Scissor-hans?
174
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:35,085
I was up all night,
sketching my stamp.
175
00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:37,162
Want to see my duck?
176
00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:41,600
Praying that wasn't
an auto-correct.
177
00:07:41,629 --> 00:07:43,559
Look at all the
practice ducks I've drawn.
178
00:07:43,597 --> 00:07:45,127
The American Wood duck.
179
00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:46,965
The Harlequin duck.
180
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,840
The Spot-Billed duck.
181
00:07:48,869 --> 00:07:49,939
A mallard.
182
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,840
A mallard.
183
00:07:51,872 --> 00:07:53,712
A mallard,
a mallard--
184
00:07:53,741 --> 00:07:57,581
Caroline,
take is batteries out.
185
00:07:57,611 --> 00:08:00,151
This beauty's gonna win me
the stamp contest.
186
00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:02,580
All I have to do now
is color it.
187
00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:06,616
And then sit back
and plan my victory party.
188
00:08:06,654 --> 00:08:09,024
Guess which stamp I'll use
to send the invites?
189
00:08:09,056 --> 00:08:10,916
Gay flag?
190
00:08:10,958 --> 00:08:12,758
No, a mallard!
191
00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:16,658
Where'd you get that
cacao from?
192
00:08:16,697 --> 00:08:19,567
Clint gave me a couple grams
before he left last night.
193
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:22,640
I've been micro-dosing it
all day.
194
00:08:35,282 --> 00:08:38,152
Why are you rubbing it
on your gums?
195
00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:40,285
Are you teething?
196
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:43,790
Clint says the buzz is stronger
if I take it straight.
197
00:08:44,992 --> 00:08:47,662
Okay, I didn't believe Clint
when he said cacao
198
00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:50,655
was addictive, but I also didn't
believe in leprechauns
199
00:08:50,698 --> 00:08:54,698
until I started
working for one.
200
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:56,795
If I cut my gums...
201
00:08:58,706 --> 00:09:00,906
Will it enter my bloodstream
any faster?
202
00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:02,081
You're a junkie!
203
00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:06,879
Han, you're acting like that
time you had a whole Red Bull.
204
00:09:06,914 --> 00:09:08,654
Okay...
205
00:09:08,682 --> 00:09:10,782
you have a problem!
206
00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:13,688
I'm telling Clint
you're cut off.
207
00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:15,661
Well, I'm telling Clint
I love him.
208
00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:17,689
He loves that.
209
00:09:17,725 --> 00:09:20,825
Fine, I'll just finish
my stamp without cacao.
210
00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:23,725
Damn it!
211
00:09:26,133 --> 00:09:28,173
Hi, everybody!
212
00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:34,683
I hope they're never
expecting Barbara
213
00:09:34,708 --> 00:09:37,378
to have a
short-term memory.
214
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:40,750
Oh, look away,
look away.
215
00:09:41,882 --> 00:09:44,282
Things have gotten real bad.
216
00:09:44,317 --> 00:09:45,687
Yeah.
217
00:09:45,719 --> 00:09:49,159
I look like
all of you now.
218
00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:52,389
Sophie, why didn't you
come with us to the nail place?
219
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,795
It was so much fun.
220
00:09:54,828 --> 00:09:56,728
I couldn't make it,
I was too busy
221
00:09:56,764 --> 00:10:00,374
bedazzling
Barbara's diapers.
222
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,370
I'm just gonna
have to face it--
223
00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:07,412
I'm not gonna be pretty again
for at least 12 years.
224
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:12,210
Oh, I'll be Caroline's age
by then.
225
00:10:12,245 --> 00:10:16,375
Sophie, I keep saying,
you'll always be sexy to me.
226
00:10:16,416 --> 00:10:18,646
And I hate to sound
all lovey-dovey,
227
00:10:18,686 --> 00:10:20,786
but you're giving me a boner.
228
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:25,662
You're just saying that
'cause you have to.
229
00:10:25,693 --> 00:10:27,963
I don't want your pity boner.
230
00:10:31,098 --> 00:10:33,968
Caroline, if pity boners
are a thing,
231
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:36,171
you have got to
get back out there.
232
00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:40,708
I was thinking the same thing.
233
00:10:40,741 --> 00:10:42,981
*
234
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:44,410
Psst! Psst!
235
00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:45,914
You got the stuff, Clint?
236
00:10:45,946 --> 00:10:48,016
It's premium grade, right?
237
00:10:48,048 --> 00:10:50,418
If it isn't,
you're in for a very
238
00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:53,390
unpleasant conversation.
239
00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:57,690
My guy from Columbia
guarantees it.
240
00:10:57,725 --> 00:11:00,285
Not the country,
we went to college together.
241
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:01,457
Want a little taste?
242
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:03,264
You bet your butt I do!
243
00:11:03,296 --> 00:11:06,726
I want to make sure
it's not cut with Nestle Quik.
244
00:11:09,369 --> 00:11:11,039
Oh.
245
00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:14,071
That's the stuff
muddy donkeys are made of.
246
00:11:16,076 --> 00:11:16,706
HAN: Max!
247
00:11:16,744 --> 00:11:20,154
Uh, fancy meeting you here.
248
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:24,280
Clint and I were just
bro-ing out over sports.
249
00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:26,047
And breasts.
250
00:11:26,086 --> 00:11:29,356
And...zoos?
251
00:11:29,389 --> 00:11:31,459
What do men talk about?
252
00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:32,491
Hey, Max.
253
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,225
We killed it last night, huh?
254
00:11:34,261 --> 00:11:35,961
Me more than you.
255
00:11:35,996 --> 00:11:38,426
You gonna want this or not,
I got to go do my podcast.
256
00:11:38,465 --> 00:11:41,165
I'm interviewing myself.
257
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:44,071
I know a drug deal
when I see it!
258
00:11:44,104 --> 00:11:44,844
He's cut off.
259
00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:47,812
Like me on
$2 margarita night.
260
00:11:47,841 --> 00:11:50,981
Max, I need that cacao
to finish my duck stamp!
261
00:11:51,011 --> 00:11:54,211
One last ride
on the chocolate pony.
262
00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:56,947
Look at you--
chocolate all over your face.
263
00:11:56,984 --> 00:12:00,854
You look like Jonah Hill reading
the reviews for War Dogs.
264
00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:03,388
Clint, don't you dare
sell it to him.
265
00:12:03,423 --> 00:12:05,833
You can't tell me
what to do, okay?
266
00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:07,289
I'm serious--I will quit.
267
00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:10,827
Oh, hmm, I'll say the same thing
I said to my mother--
268
00:12:10,864 --> 00:12:13,804
resignation accepted.
269
00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:16,544
You just made
a huge mistake.
270
00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:18,269
Hmm.
271
00:12:18,305 --> 00:12:21,235
You're talking to someone who
watched the second season
272
00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:22,844
of True Detective.
273
00:12:22,876 --> 00:12:24,336
Right, Han?
274
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:30,250
That scumbag couldn't have taken
all the cacao.
275
00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:32,523
Quick, help me check
the cabinets.
276
00:12:32,552 --> 00:12:34,392
Keep away from
my drawers, Han.
277
00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:36,291
You got to be used to
hearing that.
278
00:12:38,491 --> 00:12:40,391
Max, I just gave
a good-bye speech
279
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:41,927
at the free clinic.
280
00:12:41,962 --> 00:12:43,862
Oh, also,
the lab technician
281
00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:46,967
said for you to
call her ASAP.
282
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:50,300
Ugh, Claire freaks out
about everything.
283
00:12:50,337 --> 00:12:52,537
I'll tear this place apart!
284
00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:55,042
Where the hell is the cacao?
285
00:12:55,075 --> 00:12:56,805
What's happening,
where's Clint?
286
00:12:56,844 --> 00:12:58,554
-He quit.
-He quit?
287
00:12:58,578 --> 00:13:00,278
But what about his following?
288
00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:01,483
What about our following?
289
00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:03,024
What about my good-bye tour?
290
00:13:03,050 --> 00:13:05,020
-Say good-bye to it.
-(gasps)
291
00:13:05,052 --> 00:13:07,352
(gasps) I think I found some!
292
00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:12,492
Nope, that was
straight-up dirt.
293
00:13:12,525 --> 00:13:14,255
It's for the best.
294
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:17,164
'Cause Jane Cacaoski over there
can't get enough.
295
00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:19,027
I'll just get back
behind the bar.
296
00:13:19,066 --> 00:13:22,266
Now, if you'll excuse me,
one of my hotels came loose
297
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:24,502
while I was giving someone
the finger.
298
00:13:24,537 --> 00:13:27,037
I guess I'm going to have to
call that other dealer
299
00:13:27,074 --> 00:13:28,884
I found on Craigslist.
300
00:13:28,909 --> 00:13:31,439
I'm Ice-T
and I need my Coco.
301
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,178
Han, if you can
get that cacao,
302
00:13:33,213 --> 00:13:36,083
Max can make
the Cacao Storms herself.
303
00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:39,486
I've seen her make opium out of
poppy seed bagels and a Lacroix.
304
00:13:39,519 --> 00:13:40,589
Han, call that dealer.
305
00:13:40,620 --> 00:13:42,290
Already dialing.
306
00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:45,392
I'm halfway down
the Hershey Highway.
307
00:13:45,425 --> 00:13:48,055
I meant the Fudge Factory.
308
00:13:48,095 --> 00:13:49,595
I don't want to hear about
your personal life,
309
00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:52,069
just call the dealer.
310
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:56,998
Han, where is this guy?
311
00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:58,307
I'm scared.
312
00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:00,308
Someone might think
we're a couple.
313
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,340
I hope he gets here soon.
314
00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:05,105
I just snorted a pint
of Chunky Monkey.
315
00:14:06,947 --> 00:14:09,147
That's him, now act cool.
316
00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:11,122
Yoo-hoo, Mr. Drug Dealer!
317
00:14:11,151 --> 00:14:12,921
Right here.
318
00:14:12,953 --> 00:14:14,393
You're embarrassing me!
319
00:14:14,421 --> 00:14:17,121
Oh, also,
tell him we're not a couple.
320
00:14:17,157 --> 00:14:18,487
You guys here for the cacao?
321
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:21,125
Let's cut to the chase,
where's the dope?
322
00:14:21,161 --> 00:14:22,301
Standing right
in front of me.
323
00:14:22,329 --> 00:14:24,399
-We're not together.
-Shh!
324
00:14:24,431 --> 00:14:25,631
You want the cops
to hear us?
325
00:14:25,665 --> 00:14:28,665
Would it matter?
You're selling chocolate.
326
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:31,471
I know, but it's more fun
to act like it's naughty.
327
00:14:31,504 --> 00:14:33,044
That's the only reason
I do this.
328
00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:34,243
I'm so bored.
329
00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:36,014
I'm a stay-at-home grandpa.
330
00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:37,983
Show me the skrank!
331
00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:41,151
That's the word I made up
for street cacao.
332
00:14:41,181 --> 00:14:42,381
Here it is.
333
00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:43,645
Had to kill a hooker
to get it.
334
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:44,653
(gasps)
335
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:47,394
I wish.
336
00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:49,390
My daughter-in-law
works for Nestle.
337
00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:52,132
EARL: Ah, ah, ah,
ah, ah, ah, ah.
338
00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:53,659
Earl, what're you doing
out here?
339
00:14:53,693 --> 00:14:56,163
Just to be clear,
I'm out here with Han
340
00:14:56,196 --> 00:14:58,696
for business,
nothing romantic.
341
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,131
What are you doing out here
342
00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:04,037
with my Canadian Viagra
connection?
343
00:15:04,071 --> 00:15:07,071
-Hey, Earl!
-Hey, Bill!
344
00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:09,007
Hey, man, how's your
daughter-in-law?
345
00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:12,152
Still climbing the corporate
ladder at Nestle Toronto?
346
00:15:12,179 --> 00:15:13,149
And doing CrossFit
on the weekends.
347
00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:14,480
Uh-huh.
348
00:15:14,514 --> 00:15:16,384
And Ted's finally got
his real estate license.
349
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:19,316
-Oh--
-No one cares, Grandpa!
350
00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:21,492
Tell that to the pigeons
in the park!
351
00:15:21,521 --> 00:15:25,091
I'm this close to
main-lining Tootsie Rolls.
352
00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:28,355
-Here's the money.
-Not this again!
353
00:15:28,395 --> 00:15:30,195
I come out here
to smoke a joint,
354
00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:32,430
and I walk in
on a drug deal?
355
00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:33,565
Shame!
356
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:34,700
Hey, you!
357
00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:38,574
Get out of here before I
pop a cap in your Honda Odyssey.
358
00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:41,435
I'm sorry, it was either this,
or have an affair.
359
00:15:41,474 --> 00:15:43,384
And I'm just too tired.
360
00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:47,305
Well, it looks like
I got to go tell Ruth
361
00:15:47,347 --> 00:15:50,077
it's gonna be an
"everything but" kind of night
362
00:15:50,117 --> 00:15:52,287
Jeez.
363
00:15:52,319 --> 00:15:54,689
I learned it from
watching you, Dad?
364
00:15:54,721 --> 00:15:57,691
Max, we need that cacao
for our dessert bar.
365
00:15:57,724 --> 00:15:59,594
I already told
the soup kitchen what I think
366
00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:02,726
of their tomato bisque,
so there's no turning back.
367
00:16:02,762 --> 00:16:06,172
Your addictions
are both out of control.
368
00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:09,169
Caroline, there are no
shortcuts to success
369
00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:11,272
or creating a
stamp-worthy mallard.
370
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:15,114
Life is a slow, steady climb
to just getting by.
371
00:16:15,142 --> 00:16:16,612
Snap out of it!
372
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:19,183
Me?
You're addicted too.
373
00:16:19,212 --> 00:16:20,782
To these nails.
374
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:22,223
(gasps)
375
00:16:22,249 --> 00:16:25,319
No I'm not,
I can stop any time!
376
00:16:27,087 --> 00:16:28,687
(screams)
377
00:16:28,721 --> 00:16:30,621
Then why are you crying?
378
00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:32,387
'Cause I'm on my knees
in an alley
379
00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:35,295
and nothing fun
is happening!
380
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:38,098
Home wrecker!
381
00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:39,501
You know, fine!
382
00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:42,402
Maybe I like the way
they make me feel.
383
00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:44,565
But you--you were so high
on success,
384
00:16:44,604 --> 00:16:46,674
you were willing
to let Han OD!
385
00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:49,636
Or, at least, get really,
really hyper-active.
386
00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:53,206
So what? You don't care
about me, Max, do you?
387
00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:54,576
(laughs)
388
00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:57,254
No.
389
00:16:57,284 --> 00:16:58,324
Maybe a little.
390
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:00,791
(both gasp)
391
00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:03,660
See how your addiction has
affected me, Caroline?
392
00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:06,260
I just had to admit
I care about Han!
393
00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:08,403
Now I'm flying high on that!
394
00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:11,198
I'm gonna go try to
finish my stamp.
395
00:17:11,231 --> 00:17:13,401
Perhaps some
hot cocoa would help.
396
00:17:13,433 --> 00:17:15,473
Administered rectally,
of course.
397
00:17:17,504 --> 00:17:19,614
SOPHIE: Found it!
398
00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:20,809
Sophie?
399
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:24,280
Is there anyone we know
not in this alley?
400
00:17:24,311 --> 00:17:27,151
I found Barbara's bedazzler.
401
00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:30,320
Oh, yeah,
it's all about her now.
402
00:17:30,350 --> 00:17:33,550
Oh, you can't be gorgeous
and be a good mother.
403
00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:36,156
Just look at
Neil Patrick Harris.
404
00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:39,829
Well, I think he's very charming
and I think you're being unfair.
405
00:17:39,859 --> 00:17:42,699
This might be what's left of my
nails talking, but Sophie,
406
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:44,759
if you're not decked out with
your boobs half showing,
407
00:17:44,797 --> 00:17:48,297
are you really setting
the right example for Barbara?
408
00:17:48,335 --> 00:17:51,295
Oh, from this side
of the dumpster,
409
00:17:51,338 --> 00:17:54,168
you're making a lot of
sense, girl.
410
00:17:54,207 --> 00:17:55,407
You really are.
411
00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:57,142
Are you gonna start
brushing your teeth
412
00:17:57,177 --> 00:17:58,677
and putting the seat down?
413
00:17:58,711 --> 00:17:59,651
No.
414
00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:04,249
Here's your flan-tini.
415
00:18:04,284 --> 00:18:06,154
And here's my flan-tini.
416
00:18:06,186 --> 00:18:07,816
Good to be back.
417
00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:10,564
Well, I tried,
but I can't find Clint.
418
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:13,590
I feel like every man
I've ever had sex with.
419
00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:16,526
We don't need Clint
or his stupid cacao.
420
00:18:16,563 --> 00:18:19,603
Uh, although, his podcast
was pretty interesting.
421
00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:23,542
Those girls he worked for
sounded like nightmares.
422
00:18:23,570 --> 00:18:26,370
I'm gonna have one,
two, three Sprites.
423
00:18:26,406 --> 00:18:28,276
We're getting wild tonight.
424
00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:30,138
Coming right up,
Bill the Dealer.
425
00:18:30,177 --> 00:18:31,507
Oh, it's just Bill now.
426
00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:34,154
I accidentally butt-dialed my
wife during a major
427
00:18:34,181 --> 00:18:35,881
Pepcid AC drop.
428
00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:37,445
She took the minivan.
429
00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:44,387
Hey, everybody!
430
00:18:44,424 --> 00:18:47,364
No, it's not Suzanne Somers.
431
00:18:47,394 --> 00:18:49,264
It's me, Sophie!
432
00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:51,896
Wow, Sophie got
her sexy back.
433
00:18:51,931 --> 00:18:55,241
Yeah, and front and under.
434
00:18:55,268 --> 00:18:58,238
Sophie, you deserve
a flan-tini.
435
00:18:58,271 --> 00:18:59,641
And so do I.
436
00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:02,512
Oh, you know what,
I did what you told me to do
437
00:19:02,542 --> 00:19:05,652
and I dropped baby Barbara off
at the trainer/babysitter,
438
00:19:05,678 --> 00:19:09,818
and I had a bunch of Korean
ladies go to town on me.
439
00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:11,379
Hey, where's Oleg?
440
00:19:11,418 --> 00:19:13,148
I told him to meet me here.
441
00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:17,819
Sophie?
442
00:19:17,857 --> 00:19:19,557
You look as beautiful
as the day
443
00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:22,602
we first did it
on the sink.
444
00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:25,799
Damn straight, I do!
445
00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:28,802
Yo, what's with the
white people's clothes?
446
00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:31,935
Yeah, what's going on?
I can't even see any nipple.
447
00:19:31,971 --> 00:19:34,271
But somehow, it's worse.
448
00:19:34,307 --> 00:19:37,477
Sophie, I want you to see that
we don't have to be
449
00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:39,780
the sexy couple anymore.
450
00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:40,852
Anymore?
451
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:42,750
When were you guys
the sexy couple?
452
00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:45,852
That weekend you went to
Amish Country?
453
00:19:45,885 --> 00:19:47,745
Oh, yeah.
454
00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:50,557
Do you remember when we
did it in that buggy
455
00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:52,490
in front of that family?
456
00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:56,955
Oh, I bet they wish they had
a camera for that.
457
00:19:56,996 --> 00:19:59,526
You want to go do it
in the bathroom...
458
00:19:59,566 --> 00:20:00,866
buggy-style?
459
00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:04,700
Oh, I'm gonna pretend
that Jebediah
460
00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:07,007
is turning away in shame.
461
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:09,509
I'm gonna pretend he isn't.
462
00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:15,451
I guess we're scrubbing down
our bathroom later.
463
00:20:15,482 --> 00:20:16,552
We're heading out.
464
00:20:16,583 --> 00:20:18,453
It's almost 8:00.
465
00:20:18,485 --> 00:20:20,545
Here's my last bag of cacao.
466
00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:22,317
I can't do anything with it,
467
00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:24,315
not with my cholesterol.
468
00:20:24,357 --> 00:20:26,287
A tiny baggie of cacao?
469
00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:27,856
What're we gonna do
with this?
470
00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:29,804
Same thing I do
with any powder I find:
471
00:20:29,829 --> 00:20:31,829
see what all the fuss
is about.
472
00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:36,867
Mmm.
473
00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:38,913
-Not hating it.
-Mm-mm. No.
474
00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:41,740
(gasps)
475
00:20:41,774 --> 00:20:43,584
Holding out on me?
476
00:20:43,610 --> 00:20:46,450
You skrank skanks!
477
00:20:46,479 --> 00:20:48,879
-I'm coming in!
-(both scream)
478
00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:51,475
*
479
00:20:51,518 --> 00:20:52,948
(cash register dings)
480
00:20:54,954 --> 00:20:57,924
(upbeat music)
481
00:20:57,957 --> 00:21:04,927
*
482
00:21:04,977 --> 00:21:09,527
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